BOB Presents: As A Result Of Burnout, Vol. 1!

This isn't our show....Well, it is NOW!

[A graphic appears on the screen. It looks exactly like those two sentences up there. Confused? You're supposed to be. After all, you're drunk. And this is just a very bad dream. Plus, it beats a Best Of show. Too much editing and research for that. So, BOB proudly presents a federation that could just as easily be BOB's second cousin three times removed. Independent Spirit Wrestling. Enjoy.]

Opening

[The sound of laughter breaks us into the scene. A group of eight college guys stumble down the streets of Halifax. Though not drunk, they’re high on euphoria and inebriated on expectations for their evening. As they walk down one of the steep streets, we see the outside of what looks like a tavern sized bar. Across the street from it is a Holiday Inn, though it looks to be in dire need of renovations, much like this bar.

A painted sign hangs above the tavern’s doors. From its metal holdings, it reads "Castillo’s Bar & Grill", in a fancy Algerian-style font. The door itself is thick oak, along with a door handle made of the same material. One of the eight college friends pulls on the handle and leads his friends inside.]

Steve (College Guy #1): I’m telling ya, guys, Caution: Wet Floor is gonna be the next big thing in the music industry!

Jack: (College Guy #3): You say that only ‘cause you have the hots for the lead singer, man.

Steve: Hey, Terri is where the action is, bud. She’s got the talent!

[They step through the doors and are met by a nearly 300 pound man and 6’2. He’s wearing a black t-shirt that tightens around his flab, but forces the nametag reading "Moe" to stick out prominently. He uncrosses one arm and sticks a thumb over to the coat girl to their right. The eight guys throw off their jackets and take their turns checking out the girl while she checks out their coats. They flash their driver’s licenses as they saunter past "Moe" and up the small set of stairs into the main area of the bar.]

Eddie (College Guy #5): What the hell!?!?

[Set up in the middle of the bar is an old, rickety looking wrestling ring. Its canvas is white, though stained from dirt and God knows what else. The ropes are blue and there’s a heavily padded lighter blue turnbuckle on just the top turnbuckles on each corner. Various tables in the bar have been pushed back to give room to the massive monstrosity in the middle of the main floor. With a metal post placed at various spots a few feet away from the ring, a single thin yellow rope is holding back the "ravenous" fans. Then again, the "fans" are just regular bar and tavern goers eating what looks to be plates of hot wings. The rope barriers make a small line to the two opposite ends of the bar: one to the men’s bathroom, the other directly to the double swinging doors of the kitchen.]

Mikey & Zach (Wrestling Guys #7&8): WRESTLING!!!!

Brian (College Guy #6): Wrestling?!

Zach: Wrestling, man! They’re doing wrestling here!

[Jack, or college guy #3, picks up one of the printed out advertisements off a table next to him.]

Jack: (Reading) "Independent Spirit Wrestling makes its glorious debut here at Castillo’s Bar & Grill. A one hour card showcasing three singles matches will take place as a warm up before tonight’s featured band, ‘Caution: Wet Floor’"

Mikey: This is great! Do you have any idea how often we see wrestling live?

Zach: (Not waiting for someone else to answer) Never!

Steve: Yeah, but what about Terri? Er, I mean…what about Caution: Wet Floor?

Johnny (College Guy #4): They’re still playing, dude. Might as well watch the wrestling while it’s here, right?

[The eight guys share looks of excitement, disappointment or confusion, depending on who it is. Finally, they shrug in unison and try to find their seats. Not finding one large enough for the lot of them, they push together two tables right at ringside and have a seat.]

Zach: Wrestling! Man! I wonder if there’s anyone here we might know.

Mikey: In a small time gig like this? Not likely. I just can’t believe it escaped our radar.

[The boys continue to look around. They look up and see an opening that seems to be a second floor. Though not exactly a balcony, the upstairs has a wide opening in the center of the building which gives you a birds-eye view of the entire dance floor; or in this case, the wrestling ring and some of outside area. From above, there’s the crack of cue balls being struck.]

Eddie: Cool, pool tables. Up for some?

Johnny: Yeah, what the hell.

[Johnny and Eddie get up and head towards the stairs by the bathrooms. Zach and Mikey continue to look at the ring in awe. Finally, they turn their heads to look around some more and spot across from them on the other side of the ring…the time-keepers table. There’s a cheap stereo with wires trailing off the table and somewhere behind the bar. A time-keepers bell, of course, as well as a single microphone laying in a small stand, also sits on the table. Zach and Mikey’s eyes widen as they see who’s sitting at the table, though.]

Zach: That’s Eric Eric!!! Holy crap!

Toasty: Eric….Eric?

Mikey: First name’s same as the last! He used to ring announce in NLWP and SCRA.

Steve: Um, okay, if you say so.

Zach: HEY ERIC!

["EE" looks up from the clipboard he seems to be studying with extreme attention. Eric Eric might be sixteen at the most, but he carries a five o’clock shadow, aka: scruff, and unkempt blonde hair. He calmly waves and goes back to his work.

From out of the kitchen steps out another man whom Zach and Mikey are extremely familiar with.]

Mikey: HOLY SHIT, THAT’S JON ROSE!!!

JR: Hey guys, hope you enjoy the show.

[Jon Rose, fitted into a casual pair of dockers and a red muscle shirt, calmly steps over to the time-keepers table and takes a seat beside Eric Eric. They seem to be going over the show’s schedule from the clipboard and whispering to each other in a friendly, but professional way.]

Zach: Man! I thought he was dead!

Mikey: Nope, neck injury. He worked in NLWP for a short time, too.

Steve: (Finally speaking up.) Do you guys even have a life?

Zach: Quick! What’s Terri’s birthday and what she got from her boyfriend for it last year?

Steve: (Automatically) December seventeenth and she got a gold charm bracelet.

Zach: Callin’ a kettle black, ain’t ya?

[From behind the bar steps out an average but muscular looking man. Wearing a referee t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and black pants, he has heavy five o’clock shadow of coarse black facial hair. He has a black mullet glistens with the oil that slicks it back. He steps up to the table the remaining sixth college guys sit at.]

Tony Castillo: Hey, welcome to Castillo’s, guys. Here for the wrestling or the band?

Steve: The band.

Mikey & Zach: Wrestling, now!

Jack, Toasty & Brian: Tag-along.

TC: Cool, cool. Anything to drink?

Voice in the back: Damnit Tony! Yer bringing yer father’s place to shame with this rasslin’ crap!

[The college guys turn around and see way in the back of the bar, four men in their senior years. Each of them carry a tough look to them, possibly from serving in the military.]

TC: Look guys, I told you, it’s a work in progress. They need to start somewhere cheap; I need the extra money for renovations.

Riley (Drunk #2): I been comin’ to this bar for twenty years and your daddy’s probably rollin’ in his grave.

TC: Whatever, guys. I’m tryin’, okay?

[The boys order two pitchers of Keith’s to share amongst them all. They sit around, taking in the atmosphere and waiting for the show to start. Eddie and Johnny soon return from their game of pool and join in drinking some beer…

Finally, after some waiting…]

Zach: Hey, they’re starting!

Mikey: Woot woot!

[Jon Rose brushes himself off, takes the clipboard off the table and steps into the ring. Eric Eric joins beside him with his hands behind his back.

Rose takes a deep breath and looks around at the audience. Including the eight college guys, the four drunks, there’s only an audience of about fifty…maybe.]

JR: Ladies and gentlemen!

[Jon grimaces as there’s an exorbitant amount of feedback out of the sound system. Castillo rushes behind the bar and plays with a few of the knobs on the said system. He pops back up in a second and gives a thumbs-up back to Jon.]

JR: *Ahem* Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on our first showing of…

INDEPENDENT SPIRIT WRESTLING!

[Zach and Mikey stand up and applaud. All the other guys, minus Steve, join them with hooting and hollering.]

JR: Thanks guys.

Zach: No problem, Mister Rose!

JR: Tonight, we’re gonna have only three matches. Not a full card by any means, but we’re still in the middle of building our roster.

Arthur (Drunk #3): Get that piece of shit out of here! We just want to drink!

JR: Tell ya what, guys. As long as you behave for the next hour, I’ll buy you the next round of drinks.

All Four Drunks: GOOD ENOUGH!

JR: As for tonight? We have our very first HARDKORE MATCH!

Mikey: Woo!

JR: The rules are just like you’d think. It’s a falls count anywhere, no disqualification and no count-out. Basically, anything goes! That’s our first match of the night, between two newcomers in "Mad Dog" Mike Harrison and "Sheer Hell" Scott Bell! As a matter of fact, we’ve just tonight added another participant: A fan of luchador-style wrestling…Abordar!

[Rose looks down at the clipboard.]

JR: Then we have a good old fashioned one-on-one match between Steven Stone and the Little Blue Super Jew!

Steve: (Confused) Little…Blue…

JR: Super Jew, yes, you heard right.

Steve: Um. All right then. [Stays sitting back with his arms folded.]

JR: And of course, our Main Event tonight…a Grudge Match between two rivals: Captain Wonder and Sherrick!

Mikey & Zach: Who?

[The other six college guys look at their co-conspirators in shock.]

Zach: Sherrick sounds a little familiar.

Mikey: No clue whatsoever what a "Captain Wonder" is.

JR: Well, without further ado, I’ll hand the mic over to our ring announcer…

ERIC "THE ERIC" ERIC!

Mikey & Zach: ERIC! WOO WOO! ERIC! WOO WOO!

[Triple E takes Rose’s place in the middle of the ring. Rose himself steps out of the ring and back to the time-keeper’s table. Eric has a surprisingly solemn face on him, which is not the norm for him.]

Zach: I thought this guy used to be pretty upbeat.

Mikey: He was. He hung around with guys like Chase Hunter and Richard "Moxy" Blue.

EEE: Th-Thanks for coming, everyone. It’s…um…good to be back, I guess.

[Eric continues to look over his shoulder at Jon Rose for that moral boost. Rose keeps his arms folded but nods for Eric to continue.]

First Ever Hardkore Match
"Mad Dog" Mike Harrison VS. "Sheer Hell" Scott Bell VS. Abordar
Match Written by: Nick Piers

[Ding, ding, ding!]

EEE: The following HARDKORE match is for ONE fall! There is no disqualification, no count-out and everything goes!

Jake (Drunk #4): That’s the way your mother was last night, too!

EEE: (Trying to ignore him, but obviously put off.) Um, so…first, coming from [He points] the men’s washroom!

[Jon Rose hits play on the stereo. Suddenly, Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana" is heard, but it’s being played backwards and at double the speed. The audience begins muttering in confusion as they hear some of the "secret lyrics".

And out of the bathroom steps an extremely scrawny, not to mention scraggly man. Brandishing a stick that has a tennis ball attached to one end of it, he staggers out of the bathroom and looks around at the audience with a crazed look in his eyes. He whispers to the tennis ball as if it’s his life mate.

He raises his stick like a pygmy and is about to bellow something when from behind…

THWACK!!!

He’s nailed from behind with a toilet seat, courtesy of Mike Harrison! Bell stumbles forward and into the group of eight college guys. Without saying another word, they easily shove him away. Bell clumsily trips over the yellow guard rope and falls on his face outside the ring.]

EEE: (Trying to continue introductions) Um… Weighing in at 185 pounds! From Pleasant Valley, Alabama! "SHEER HELL" SCOTT BELL! His first opponent, making his way down the aisle…

[Jon Rose doesn’t even bother playing the music, as the match has all ready started by the looks of it. "Mad Dog" runs up the small aisle from the bathroom to the ring and…is met with a shot in the ribs with Bell’s stick with a tennis ball on the end of it! Harrison reels forward and makes a sound like he’s going to hurl.]

Eddie: Dude, don’t throw up on me! I came for the band!

Mikey: He’s not barfing, he’s selling.

Eddie: Say what?

Mikey: Selling the move.

MDMH: (Whispers.) Do you mind?! I’m workin’ here!

[Bell follows the first wallop with a SMACK! The stick breaks in half as he brings it down across the lower back of Harrison.]

Crowd: Ooooooh!!

Toasty: Dude! That musta stung!

Riley (Drunk #2): Ah, all this shit is fake, anyway!

All 8 College Guys (Minus Steve): SHUT UP!

[Bell looks down at the prone Harrison with glee. He raises the broken half of the stick high in the air.]

SB: I do this in the name of the Dark Lord!! I pray to thee, Satan! Give me strength!

Jack: Um.

Johnny: Yeah.

Bruno (Drunk #1): WEIRDO!!

SB: You DARE mock me!? You DARE mock the one who brings the truth?! Fine! I damn you all to Heav…UGH!

EEE: The second of the three competitors in this match…uh… "Mad Dog" Mike Harrison!

["Mad Dog" suddenly gets to his knees and delivers a low blow to Bell’s scrotum! He grabs Bell by the hair and the back of his jeans and whips him under the bottom rope and into the ring.

Nearly at the same time, two men appear from different locations out of the bar.

From behind the bar, wearing a referee shirt and black pants runs out the bar owner himself, Tony Castillo! He jumps over the yellow rope and dives under the ropes and into the ring to ref the match.

From the entrance runs a large, nearly 300 pound man wearing a semi-fancy Mexican Luchador mask. He leaps onto the apron, followed by leaping up onto the top rope…]

EEE: (From the time-keeper’s table.) The final competitor in this match…uh…ABORDAR!

Toasty: A border?

Brian: Ab-ra-dor?

Toasty: No, dude, it’s A Border!

Abordar: "¡Mi velocidad cegará sus ojos americanos!

[Abordar bounces off the top rope and nails Harrison with a springboard body press!]

Zach: Lucha Libre, baby!!

Eddie: So you know what he’s saying?

Zach: Not a clue!

Jake (Drunk #4): He said "My speed will blind your American eyes", you buffoon.

All 8 College Guys (Except Steve): Oh.

[Abordar does a quick kip-up to his feet and looks around at the wreckage. He doesn’t have that chance for long, though, as an arm flailing Scott Bell leaps in his face, attempting to kick and scratch at him like a hyperactive four year old.]

SB: Damn you to Heaven, heathen! I shall rip out your eyelids and gorge on your toenail clippings!

[With a squeal of "Ewww," one female gets up and starts to leave. She was one half of a couple that have been smooching with each other and ignoring the whole show. The woman has apparently been completely turned off.]

Man: (Following after her.) Aw, come on, baby! It’s just a show! What, you wanna go back to your husband or something?

[Bell stops his vicious attack and turns to the couple and leans on the top rope.]

SB: (Sniffs the air.) Ohhh, the sweet smell of carnal acts taking place in this aroma filled bar of sin!

Man: Christ man, piss off!

[The couple disappears through the exit and we hear the door slamming shut.

But Bell was distracted for too long as Abordar comes from behind him with a school boy roll up!

Castillo drops to the canvas for the count!]

One!!

[Kick out! Bell flails again like a child, being caught completely off guard from the pin attempt! He climbs to the outside and begins running laps around the ring. He grabs the other half of the broken stick; the one with the tennis ball still stuck on it, and begins scrubbing random parts of his body with it…]

SB: A pox on your fair play! Oh, masked heathen!

[Abordar, confused by this odd behavior, is caught off guard once again as Harrison comes behind and plants him into the mat with a reverse DDT!]

Crowd: Ohhhh!

[Harrison quickly goes for the pin!

One!

Two!

Kick out!]

7 of the 8 College Guys: TWO!!

Steve: Is it over yet?

Mikey: Come on, dude, just enjoy the show!

[Harrison picks up the still fresh Abordar and whips him into the buckle. "Sheer Hell" is still making laps around the ring, scratching at his arms with the tennis ball on a broken stick. He stops suddenly, looks like there’s a metaphorical light bulb going off above his head, and darts out the exit doors.]

Arthur (Drunk #3): Quick! SOMEONE LOCK THE DOOR!

[The crowd bursts into a fit of laughter as the match continues. "Mad Dog" darts towards the turn buckle, ducks his head and attempts for a shoulder tackle. Abordar leaps over Harrison and rolls him up in a sunset flip pin!

One!!

Two!!

Kickout!!]

7 out of 8: TWO!!!

[Suddenly, there’s a yelp heard from outside. The front door swings open and up the stairs is flung a scuffed up Scott Bell. Tight in his hands holds a broken off window wiper from a car.

Following him up the stairs is three fairly muscular guys and behind them is a "filled out in all the right ways" woman who carries a guitar case with her.]

Steve: HOLY SHIT! That’s Terri of Caution: Wet Floor!

Johnny: Dude, calm down.

[Abordar, getting tired of regular wrestling, grabs Harrison by the hair and flings him over the top rope and to the wood flooring.]

Terri: Castillo! You better fucking pay me back for the damage done to my car, asshole!

Steve: (Whispers to one of the guys.) Isn’t she great?

[Terri looks around at the scene and decides to take a seat near the front. Steve immediately leaps over to a seat beside her and begins fawning over her.]

Steve: So, uh, hi. I’m Steve.

Terri: I know bloody well who you are. You’re a fan.

Steve: The biggest.

[Scott Bell gets back up to his feet. He holds the wiper high in the air and lets out an African-style battle cry. He charges forward with as much speed as he can and nearly takes Harrison’s head off with a clothesline with the wiper!]

Terri: WOO! Did I miss much!?!

Steve: You’re a WRESTLING FAN!?

Terri: Hell yeah, sucka! Come on, man, get up! He barely nicked you!

[Steve, completely dumbfounded, watches all of her reactions.

Using the wiper, Bell pounds away on Harrison like a rag doll. He flails at him, never focusing on one spot or another. Abordar climbs to the second turnbuckle and watches the action take place. He seems to be getting a little winded all ready.]

SB: The power of the wiper shall guide me to victory!!

Terri: You couldn’t win a dinky car race, you nut job!

[Bell looks up at Terri.]

SB: Who are you, wench!?

Steve: She’s the lead singer to Caution: Wet Floor, thank you very much!

[Abordar slowly climbs up to the top rope. Sweating profusely, he’s taking his sweet time.]

SB: I want to hear some Christian rock songs, then! Play for me!

Terri: Like fuck I’m gonna play that!

SB: Come on . . . You know "Without Condition", I know you do! Bust out that falsetto and give us your best Ginny Owens, and stop that Bon Jovi crap!

Three Band Members Behind Terri: Say WHAT?!

SB: Yeah! Bon Jovi are just a bunch of rich Jersey hicks…!

Terri: Oh, you shouldn’t have said that.

[The three larger band members reach for Bell as he moves closer to Terri and grab him by the collar in unison. The three of them body press him over their heads and fling him back first into the ring post!]

All 8 Guys: (Yes, including Steve): HO-LEE SHIT! HO-LEE SHIT!

[Bell immediately stands right back up on his feet and raises the wiper straight out in front of him, pointing it at Caution: Wet Floor.

At the same time, Abordar leaps off the top turnbuckle! He does a series of fancy twists and turns, landing straight on top of Scott Bell! They fall backwards and land directly on top of the still prone "Mad Dog"!]

Zach: A Tornillo!! A three hundred pound man can do a tornillo!!

Abordar: (Looking up at Zach from the floor.) SI SENOR!!!

[Abordar throws an arm over both Bell and Harrison at the same time, which is easy since the Tornillo has turned the match into a human car wreck…or at least a pile-on.

Castillo slides underneath the bottom rope and slams his hand on the hardwood flooring…

ONE!!!

TWO!!!

THREE!!!!

Ding-Ding Ding!!]

EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match….AND NEWWWWWWWWW….

[Jon Rose suddenly elbows him in the side. Eric pauses and listens to the owner whisper something to him.]

EEE: Uh. Sorry everyone. We don’t have any titles yet. This was just a regular match. But the winner of it is….A-BOR-DAR!!!!!

Terri: WAHOO! Go Abordar!

Steve: Uh…yeah, go Abordar!!!

"Regla el Mundo" by Los Muchachos de la Batalla suddenly plays on the speakers. Abordar raises both arms high in the air and points a pair of thumbs at himself.]

JR: (On the mic and talking to the three band members.) Guys, could you do me a favor and drag those guys to the…er…backstage?

[Sure enough, the three other members of Caution: Wet Floor, get out of their seats and carry Mike Harrison and Scott Bell into the kitchen area.

Abordar continues to celebrate as he makes his way back into the kitchen area.

Terri suddenly swings around to face Steve with a giant smile on her face.]

Terri: So, did I miss much?

Steve: Um. Not really.

Terri: So who’s your fave?

[Steve thinks for a minute.]

Steve: Um…Captain…Wonder?

Terri: Mine too! I just kinda love how he doesn’t take this whole thing so seriously, y’know?

Steve: Uh. Yeah. Oh hey, they’re starting again.

Terri: Cool!

Steven Stone VS. Little Blue Super Jew
Match Written by: Nick Piers
Referee: Cadwell Warner

[Eric "The Eric" Eric is back in the ring again. He pulls up the sleeves on his turtleneck and gets ready for another announcing duty.

Standing proudly beside him is a hefty looking man decked out in a black and white striped referee shirt and black pants. He’s completely bald, whether it’s from shaving or natural hair loss is a totally different question.]

EEE: Thank again for sticking around, folks…

Mikey: (Whispers to Zach.) He hasn’t smiled once since we’ve seen him.

Zach: (Whispering.) Yeah, he used to be a really upbeat kinda guy. Let’s cheer ‘em up guys.

[All 8 College guys, plus Terri and the rest of Caution: Wet Floor, leap to their feet.]

Crowd Mentioned Above: ER-IC! ER-IC! ER-IC! ER-IC!

EEE: Guys, come on, let me just…

C.M.A.: ER-IC! ER-IC! ER-IC! ER-IC!

EEE: Thanks, really, but…

Zach: YOU RULE, TRIPLE E!

[Eric can’t help but crack a small grin at that name.]

Mikey: SCORE!

EEE: (Unable to take away the grin.) Our next contest tonight is scheduled for one fall!

['Misirlou' by Dick Dale and his Del-Tones starts up through the poor quality speakers. A stunned crowd looks around to both kitchen area and bathroom entrances. A reaction from the bathroom side as a man, no bigger than six-foot-three, shoulder length dark hair and outfitted in a pair of black slacks, a bright red polo shirt, and a navy blue blazer over it. Wearing a pair of aviator shades to keep the smoke from his eyes, he removes a hand from his pocket and slicks his hair back with it.]

EEE First, from Hollywood, California, weighing in at two hundred and thirty one pounds…he is…

STEVEN STONE!!!

[Stone begins walking to the ring to the music, casually looking side to side at the crowd around them.]

Jack (College Guy #3): Let’s have a Steve versus Steve match!
Steve (College Guy #1): Oh no! No way!

[Stone walks right over to Steve and gets right in his face.]

SS: You want a piece of me, little man?

Steve: Nah.

SS: Oh, I’m too GOOD for you, is that it?

Brian: Take ‘em out, Steve!

SS: I ain’t talking with you, now, am I?

[Stone shrugs it off with a smirk and climbs into the ring. He tugs on the top rope and does a few light stretches as he waits for his opponent.]

EEE: And his opponent…

["Misirlou" is replaced quickly by "Creeping Death" by Metallica.]

Heads begin to turn, and slowly everyone shifts their attention towards the back of the bar, where a blue-haired man is gnawing hungrily on a side of chicken like he hasn't eaten all week. When silence overtakes the restaurant, he slowly looks up, not removing his teeth from the wing, becoming aware of the eyes on him, waiting for him to do something. Casually, he lowers the chicken wing from his gaping maw, stands up, and heads towards the ring.]

Eddie (College Guy #5): Come on Blue Jew, get in the ring!

Toasty (College Guy #2): This guy SUCKS!

EEE: From Tel Aviv, Israel! Weighing in at two hundred and thirty six pounds…THE LITTLE BLUE SUPER JEW!!

[Eric Eric, now that he’s done with the introductions for the match, steps out the ring. As Little Blue Super Jew walks towards the ring, many in the crowd take notice of the man’s size…or lack there of. At only about 5’7", the LBSJ is compact but seems to be quite built, especially in the arms and upper torso areas. His dark blue hair is tied back in a ponytail and he holds his head high, forcing his larger than average nose to stick out.]

Jake (Drunk #4): Ah kem f'r some fightin', now get up 'n th're!!

Mikey (College Guy #7: Hey, this is Little Blue Super Jew here!! Have some respect!

Another Drunk: Shut up!! Stupid fucking college wrestling MARK!

Mikey: I am NOT a mark!! He's an icon!!

LBSJ: Hey…kid. Come on, now. Settle down.

[Little Blue Super Jew, who is now on the ring apron, calls the attention of the crowd towards him.]

LBSJ: Anything I have to say in response…I'll say in this ring.

Eddie: Yeah, whatever.

Toasty: LOSER!

[Finally, Super Jew steps through the ropes and shrugs his shoulders, looking at Stone in the opposite corner from him. Cadwell Warner stands in the middle of the ring and calls the two men to go towards him. Not taking an intense eye off of each other, the two men take the exact same steps towards the center of the squared circle.]

CW: Now remember, gentlemen, this is going to be a clean bout. I don’t want any punching, biting, or scratching. The ways you can win are...

[Cadwell is interrupted when Steven Stone lets loose with a hard slap in the face to Super Jew!]

Crowd: OHHHHH!!!

[The Super Jew is caught off guard and makes a few steps back. He regains his composure quickly enough, steps up to Stone and looks him dead in the eye…

…And grabs him around the waist…heaving him up and planting him back down onto the mat with a belly-to-belly suplex!]

Zach: Woo! That’s gonna leave a mark!

[The Blue Bomber quickly capitalizes, grabbing at Stone’s legs and attempting to put some kind of a leglock on him!]

Mikey: Break his legs, Little Blue!

Terri: Tear him apart!!!

[Stone kicks the Super Jew off of him. Little Blue falls onto his back from the kick, and Stone takes the moment climb to his feet. Super Jew is back on his feet just as quick and they face off against each other.]

Toasty: Hey, he’s Jewish, ain’t he?

Brian: Duh, yeah, why?

Toasty: I just thought of a chant…

[Toasty whispers to a couple of his friends and passing the word on to a few others in the crowd.

Meanwhile, Super Jew and Stone lock up in a collar/elbow hook-up. They push each other back in forth in a tug of war before Stone gets the upper hand with a headlock!]

Toasty: Damn, he ain’t in control. (Turns around to the crowd.) Just wait, everyone!

[Stone wrenches the headlock, grimacing and making sure to hold it on tight. The Super Jew backs up against the ropes and whips Stone into the opposite side of the ring. Stone comes back with shoulder block but neither of them budges.

Frustrated, Stone bounces off the ropes to his right and steps right into another belly-to-belly! He’s slammed back onto the mat with a big force.]

Toasty: Okay, now!

Crowd: YOU-CAN’T-EAT-HAM! *Clap! Clap! Clap-Clap-Clap!*

[Super Jew, with the somewhat rallying of the crowd behind him, charges towards Stone. In response to the continued attack, Stone starts to back off…]

SS: Have mercy, please, Megatron!!

Jack (College Guy #3): Dude, he just quoted Transformers!

[Stone begs off into the corner. Super Jew charges to continue the attack, but Stone dives under the bottom rope. He puts his hands on his hips and starts casually walking around the outside area.]

Jack: Hey, get back in there and quote more Transformers!

SS: Oh please, I did that out of desperation!

Jack: So you’re not a fan?

SS: (Quoting) "A world of no!" Sarah Michelle Geller, two thousand and one.

[Super Jew paces around the ring. Captain Wonder starts counting Stone out…

1!!!

2!!!

SS: Hey come on! This is my first match!

Toasty: Rook-Ee! Rook-Ee!!

SS: Shut up, will ya?

[The rest of the crowd starts chanting along with Toasty.]

Crowd: ROOK-EE! ROOKE-EE!!

SS: SHUT UP!!

3!!

4!!

[Little Blue Super Jew climbs through the ropes and to the outside, himself! He keeps low and stalks after Stone…]

Johnny: Behind you, Stone!

5!!

6!!

[Steven Stone whips around and manages to clothesline a charging Super Jew down onto the floor!]

SS: Hands off the merchandise, Lady!!!

7!!

8!!

[Stone stomps on Super Jew a few times, and then picks him up by the long blue hair. Stone slams Little Blue’s head into the ring apron. He rolls the Super Jew back into the ring and follows suit right behind him.]

CW: Stay in the ring, Stone!

SS: Up yours, Warner!

Crowd: Ohhhh!

[Stone picks the Super Jew up from the canvas and whips him into the turnbuckle. Taking his time, he saunters over to the corner. He grabs onto the top rope and uses it as leverage as he delivers a single knee shot into Blue’s ribs.]

SS: Huh?! How do ya like that, ya little blue freak?!

[He grabs Blue by the arm again and whips him into the opposite turnbuckle. Super Jew, feeling the force of the impact, reels out of the corner, taking a few steps forward. Stone puts his head down for a brief moment, hoping for a back body drop…but instead…

…Super Jew grabs Stone by the head, leaps off the second turnbuckle, and nails him with a version of the Stunner or Diamond Cutter, otherwise known as an…]

Zach: ACID DROP!!!!

Mikey: Booyah!!!

[Super Jew rolls over onto Stone for a pin attempt! As he does, he shouts over to Zach and Mikey.]

LBSJ: I call it the "David and Goliath!"

[1!!

2!!

Stone gets a shoulder up!]

All 8 College Guys plus Caution Wet Floor: TWO!!!!

[Super Jew picks Stone up by the hair and whips him against the ropes. He leaps up and wraps his legs around Stone’s head, dropping him back down with a hurricanrana! He hooks the legs for the pin attempt!

1!!

2!!

Kick out!]

Crowd: TWO!

[Both men leap to their feet, but Stone is up just a little quicker as he brings Super Jew down quickly with a swinging neckbreaker! Now he goes for the pin!

1!!

2!!

Shoulder up!]

Crowd: TWO!!!

[Stone kicks Blue while he’s down for safe keeping, then bounces against the ropes and drops down on Super Jew’s head with a knee drop!

But Super Jew takes the hit, grabs onto Stone’s leg, spins around on his back…and kicks Stone onto his back!]

Zach: What the hell is he doing?!

Mikey: I’ve got no clue!!

[Stone, desperately trying to fight, but is losing the battle quickly. Super Jew, with the two combatants on their back, rolls himself over to his stomach, forcing the leg locked Stone to follow suit. He climbs to his knees, then arches back all the way until he grabs onto Stone’s chin!!!!]

SS: AAAAARGH!!!!

Zach: A BCL!!!! A FRIGGIN’ BCL!!!

[Warner gets down in Stone’s face…]

CW: Stone, do you give up!?

SS: No! Piss off!!!

[Super Jew arches back until the top of his head is planted on the mat and helping his balance. He wrenches Stone’s neck further back.]

CW: STONE! Do…you give up!?!!?

SS: AAAARGH!

[Stone slams his hand down on the mat several times in anguish!

TAP OUT!!!

Cadwell Warner leaps to his feet and calls for the bell!

Ding-Ding-Ding!!!]

EEE: The winner of this match! LITTLE BLUE SUPER JEW!!!!

[The whole bar explodes in a series of cheers and applause for the Super Jew. Blue releases the BCL hold and climbs to the second turnbuckle, raising his hands in the air! "Creeping Death" fills the speakers once again as the applause continues and some pictures are taken.]

Stone, in the meantime, crawls out of the ring and starts walking back towards the bathroom.]

SS: MAKE-UP! MEDIC!! SOMETHING!!!

[Little Blue Super Jew climbs out of the ring and makes his way back to the kitchen. Cadwell Warner raises Blue’s arm just before the two of them exit through the kitchen’s swinging doors.]

Steve: Man, that was awesome! Wonder how often they’re doing a show?

Terri: Every two weeks, from what I hear.

Steve: Cool. So, uh, are you gonna be coming to them?

Terri: Oh, most of the time.

[Terri looks at her watch.]

Terri: (Speaking to the rest of the band.) Okay guys, we should go get ready. Castillo told me there’s a place to get ready upstairs. They’re doing one more match and then we’re up!

[Terri and Caution: Wet Floor start to get up.]

Steve: Well, I was wondering…uh…would you, want to maybe…

Terri: Heh, yeah, maybe. Here.

[Terri pulls a business card out of her purse. She writes down her home number on the back.]

Terri: Call me sometime?

Steve: You bet.

[Terri and Caution: Wet Floor walk off and head upstairs.]

Toasty: Guys! GUYS! Eric Eric is back in the ring!

Zach: Okay guys, let’s really do it, this time!

Captain Wonder VS. Sherrick
Grudge Match
Referee: Tony Castillo
Match Written by: Nick Piers

[Eric "The Eric" Eric climbs into the ring, microphone in hand. The microphone itself isn’t a wireless one, as there’s a long black cord streaming from it and to the time keeper’s table. At the table is, of course, Jon Rose, the owner of Independent Spirit Wrestling. Just as the rest of the night, whenever Eric speaks, the sound system is so poor that everything sounds like it’s underwater; very bad sound system quality all around.]

The eight college guys, who have been energetic and rowdy the whole night, leap to their feet.]

All 8 College Guys: TRIP-LE E! TRIP-LE E! TRIP-LE E!

EEE: [Grinning from ear to ear.] Thank you, guys! Really!

Toasty (College Guy #2): YOU RULE, ERIC!

EEE: [Finally getting focused.] Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the MAAAAAAAIN EVENT!!!!

[The crowd perks up and cheers loudly. The college guys stay on their feet and give a round of applause. "Fanfare" or the Masterpiece Theatre theme starts up throughout the bar. The music is of a rough quality, considering the quality of a sound system that Castillo’s could afford. Eric’s micro-phoned voice is still loud enough to be heard, though.]

EEE: Ahem. The following contest is scheduled for ONE fall. First, coming to the ring from [points] the kitchen!

[The double swinging doors fling open and there stands…Captain Wonder. Yes friends, OUR resident superhero and senior referee, Cadwell Warner, now decked out in his Captain Wonder outfit. The outfit is a bright neon green body suit, along with dark purple elbow/knee pads, purple boots and a purple Zorro mask. He holds his chin high and with the amount of grace you could find in a four hundred pound man.]

CW: CITIZENS! Fear not! I have returned and tonight I shall TRIUMPH!

[The crowd, in a laughing fit to kill themselves, cheer nonetheless. Warner, despite his aging body, is clearly having fun as he sweeps his long red cape behind him and strides to the ring. He raises an arm and gives a warm wave to them. The four older men in the back, clearly inebriated, begin cussing amongst themselves and yelling at Warner…er…Wonder.]

Jake (Drunk #4): WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP, TONY!?

Riley (Drunk #2): YEAH! I THOUGH YOU ONLY HAD QUALITY GUYS LIKE EARLIER!

CW: Ah, tsk tsk, gentlemen! The Wondrous One shall GIVE you quality! I shall give you quality of a WONDROUS proportion!

Bruno (Drunk #1): FREAK JOB!

[Captain Wonder, ignoring the last comment, plants a knee on the ring apron and helps himself up by the ropes. He climbs through and stands defiantly while "Triple E" finishes up his introductions.]

EEE: He is…*snicker* He hails from the…

[Eric leans over to Warner, standing beside him and whispers in his ear. He seems to mouth the words "Is that right?" and pointing at the cue cards. Wonder proudly nods and keeps his hands on his…ahem…"wondrous" hips.]

EEE: Hailing from the Trailer Park of JUSTICE!

[Burst of laughter from the audience.]

EEE: In Moosejaw, Saskatchewan!

[More laughter!]

EEE: He is the man, the myth…*hushed voice for dramatic purposes* The Legend. He is….CAPTAIN WONDERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

[The small crowd of fifty erupts in a round of applause as the Captain blows a kiss to the college boys. Half of them play along and pretend to swoon, only to be caught by the other half of the group.]

EEE: And his opponent… [He points] exiting out of the bathrooms…

["Eminence Front" by The Who replaces "Fanfare". It plays for a few short moments until the opening synthesizer riff ends. Mark Sherrick, arms outstretched, saunters through the doors of the men’s bathroom.]

Sherrick: Damn right! Damn right I’m back!

Arthur (Drunk #3): HOO’RE YOO S’PPOSED TO BE?!

[Sherrick climbs over the guard…um…rope…and over to the drunks’ table. They stay sitting and keep sipping their mugs of beer.]

S: Sherrick, you got that, geezer? SHER-RICK!

Bruno (Drunk #1): MORE LIKE SHE-RA TO ME!

[The bar bursts into laughter once again.]

S: Yeah?! Maybe once I’m done with this sack of baggage, I’ll knock out what’s left of your false teeth!

Crowd: OOOOOOOOH!!!!

[Sherrick continues walking to the ring and rolls underneath the bottom rope. With a glare in his eye to Captain Wonder, he swats the mic out of Eric Eric’s hand.

EEE: But I wasn’t done!

S: Get out of here, kid, before I hit you out of puberty!

Crowd: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!

S: Shut up!!!

[He pauses for a moment as if to think, and then begins to speak. The crowd quiets down, allowing him to speak. When he does, it echoes just as badly as when Cadwell was speaking.]

S: Well, well, well. Captain Wonder. We meet again. Truthfully, I don't recall meeting you the first time, but there's plenty of video evidence that we have met before, thanks to that idiot Chase Hunter.

[The group of eight college boys gives a whoop and a holler at the mention of Chase Hunter. Everyone else in the bar looks at them like they’re some kind of lepers. Captain Wonder looks over at them and gives a big ‘ol thumbs up.]

S: Only a fool like him would choose to take advantage of somebody who'd just sustained a massive concussion. People tell me that, for several months, he convinced me that I was you.

Jack (College Guy #3): [Stands up, puts his hands on his hips in a heroic fashion.] He was a SUPERHERO!

[The crowd bursts out in laughter at this, but Sherrick keeps on a’truckin’.]

S: He had me running around like a jackass, kissing babies, and saving cats from trees.

Crowd: You kissed bay-bees! [Clap! Clap! Clap-clap-clap!] You kissed bay-bees! [Clap! Clap! Clap-clap-clap!]

[Sherrick winces at the chant, but keeps going.]

S: Thankfully, I don't remember any of this, due to the concussion, but I do remember not being able to get any revenge, because the UWF got rid of me before I could kick the ever loving shit out of him. This brings me to you. Something drew me to this place here, and then, salvation...I have been given a chance to finally get revenge on Chase, through kicking your ass.

[Sherrick gets right up in Wonder's face. The Captain stands there with a defiant grin on his face, looking Sherrick right back in the eyes.]

S: Now listen up, you worthless old fart...

Crowd: Boooooo!!

S: …you may be a referee in this fed, but for tonight? You're nothing but my bitch!

Crowd: Oooooooh!!!

S: For years, I've been waiting for a chance to come back, and a chance to destroy the image that was made for me by my last appearances in the ring. As I used to say, those many years ago, the dark side has taken over, and you will see the errors of your ways, Captain Wonder. As a ref, you know how it is on your side of the match...but do you know how it feels to be locked in those very submission moves that you know so well from the outside? Will you scream in pain, wanting your mommy, when I come within inches of breaking your back? The time has come, Captain…the time has come for the end....for you. This is my new beginning. How fitting it shall start with your destruction.

[Sherrick mockingly acts concerned for a moment.]

S: Now...I'll grant you a momentary stay of execution....have you anything to say for yourself, you worthless pile of flesh?

[He hands the microphone over to Captain Wonder. The Wondrous One stands there for a moment, the crowd chanting "Cad-Well! Cad-Well!"]

CW: [Looks among the small crowd] Hmmm…

Crowd: Cad-Well! Cad-Well!!!

CW: Let _JUSTICE_ be served, evil doer!

[Wonder hauls back with the microphone and nails Sherrick upside the head! There’s a heavy "Pfft!" noise at the point of impact, followed by some feedback. The small crowd of fifty erupts into a frenzy as Sherrick stumbles back, shaking his head.

Tony Castillo swipes the mic out of Cadwell’s hands and tosses it to Eric Eric, who’s waiting outside. Eric rushes back to the time keeper’s table with Jon Rose and rings the bell.]

Crowd: Let’s go Cadwell! Fuck ‘em up!! [Clap! Clap!]

[The crowd, mostly with the backing of the rowdy college guys, continues to chant as Wonder unloads with a series of right hands! Wonder Punch after Wonder Punch, Sherrick stays on his feet from the barrage! Castillo finally grabs Captain’s forearm, stopping the attack.]

TC: Watch the fist, watch the fist!

CW: Evil must be punished, citizen!

Bruno (Drunk in the Back #1): LET ‘EM DO WHAT HE WANTS, TONY!

[Finally no longer "distracted" by the "barrage", Sherrick shakes the cobwebs and charges at Wonder with a spear! Captain flails back, reaching at Castillo for help and getting none.]

Eddie (College Guy #5): Hey, c’mon ref! He didn’t even see that coming!

TC: Who’s reffin’ this match, me or you?

Eddie: Well, you know…

TC: Shut up!

[Sherrick gets to his feet and looks down at the Captain, who isn’t even moving.]

S: Oh come on! You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Toasty (College Guy #2): Oh my god, he killed Cadwell!

All 8 College Guys: YOU BASTARD!!!

[The rest of the bar breaks out into laughter again at the reference. Sherrick taps Wonder a few times with his foot, unsure of what to do. Finally, he shrugs and grabs Wonder by the legs.]

Brian (College Guy #6): Come on, man, just pin the poor guy!

S: Nuh-uh! No way is he getting off this easy!

[Sherrick wraps Wonder’s legs and flips him over into a Texas Cloverleaf. What’s worse is that the way he does it is like the classic Lion Tamer style, forcing Wonder’s back and neck to be arched as Sherrick plants a knee into the Captain’s back.

Wonder’s response is…nothing. He’s still out cold from the spear.]

Riley (Drunk in the Back #2): THAT SUPERHERO IS A GODDAMN PUSSY!
All Four Drunks: YEAH!!!

[Sherrick pulls back on the Cloverleaf even further, wrenching Wonder’s back and neck even further…and still no response. Tony Castillo is on his stomach, looking directly in Wonder’s face for any kind of response at all.]

S: Tap! TAP, DAMN YOU!!

Johnny (College Guy #4): Just ring the bell, ref!

TC: Yeah, yer right.

[Tony looks over at "The Eric" and Jon rose and makes a chopping motion with his arm.

Ding! Ding Ding!]

EE: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee, Tony Castillo, has deemed the match to end due to Captain Wonder’s…uh…inability to continue!!

Arthur (Drunk #3): YEAH, BUT WHO WON!?

EE: Um. [He looks over at Rose, who nods approvingly.] Therefore, the winner of this match…SHERRICK!

Crowd: Boooooo!!

All 8 College Guys: You suck, Sherrick!

S: I suck, do I?

[Sherrick still hasn’t released the hold on Wonder.]

S: At least I’ll be able to walk again! This bastard’s gimmick is the reason I’m not in UWF anymore! That goddamn costume killed my heat!

[Sherrick continues to wrench into the move, refusing to let go. Tony gets in his face and trying to pull his hands out of grasp.]

TC: Let ‘em go, Mark, or I swear to god, I’ll…

S: What!? YOU’LL WHAT!?

Crowd: LET’S GO TONY, FUCK ‘EM UP! [Clap! Clap!]

S: I’ll break him! You’ll need a new ref, Rose!

[Jon Rose, with his arms folded the whole time, leans over and whispers to The Eric. Eric looks back at him with a raised eyebrow and a smile.]

EEE: Um. Ladies and gentlemen, speaking on behalf of the owner of Independent Spirit Wrestling, Jon Rose, the match has been reversed!

S: Say WHAT!?

[There are some small cheers from the college guys! Sherrick finally releases the hold and climbs to the second turnbuckle to get a good look right in Jon Rose’s eyes.]

EEE: The new winner of this match….

Crowd: CAPTAIN WONDER!!!

Zach (College Guy #8): He won his first match! Rejoice!

[Sherrick furrows his brow but says nothing as he stares at Rose, attempting to intimidate him. Rose nudges Eric and takes the microphone from him.]

JR: Oh, it gets better, Sherrick! Guys like you are a dime a dozen and I’ve seen them all backstage at one point or another.

All 8 College Guys: YOU’RE A DIME! YOU’RE A DIME!

JR: You need to learn a little humility. So with that in mind? For every match you have until I say so, Cadwell Warner is going to be YOUR referee!

Crowd: YEAH!!!

JR: Oh, and you’re banned from Castillo’s until the next card, too. Tony, would you be so kind as to…

[With his back turned, Sherrick doesn’t expect a violent hammerlock from behind! Tony "escorts" Sherrick down the aisle and towards the front doors.]

JR: Folks, Tony wanted me to tell you to stick around and listen to the band, Caution: Wet Floor. If you don’t, thanks for coming and drive safely!

Crowd: JON ROSE! WOO WOO! JON ROSE! WOO WOO!

[End of Show.]


©2004 BOB Wrestling. If not completely confused, spin around three times and click your knuckles together.

Brawlers On a Budget is an online fantasy parody wrestling sports entertainment federation (or e-fed) designed to be somewhat funny.

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