BOB Presents: As A Result Of Burnout, Vol. 2!
This isn't our show....Well, it is NOW!
[A graphic appears on the screen. It looks exactly like those two sentences up there. Confused? You're supposed to be. After all, you're drunk. And this is just a very bad dream. Plus, it beats a Best Of show. Too much editing and research for that. So, BOB proudly presents a federation that could just as easily be BOB's second cousin three times removed. Independent Spirit Wrestling. Enjoy.]
[We return now to the soon to be famous bar of a thousand champions
Castillos Bar & Grill. The front double oak doors swing open and the seven of the eight college guys from last week begin to pile into the bar. As they come through the doors, they step into the foyer/coat check area. They hand their coats to a young lady standing behind a small coat room counter.]
"Moe", Castillos resident bouncer, checks each of the college guys IDs and lets them through.]
Moe: Welcome back, guys.
All 7 Guys: Thanks Moe!
[The seven college guys, Steve, Toasty, Jack, Johnny, Brian, Mikey and Zach all trounce up the stairs into the main bar area.
Once again, in the middle of the dance floor is the rickety old wrestling ring. On one end of the table seats two semi-familiar people: Jon Rose and Eric "The Eric" Eric. The two of them are looking over some notes, and seem to be getting ready for the show. Far in the back area of the bar are the four drunken old guys, looking like theyre all ready polishing off their third pitcher of Keiths.]
Jack: Where the hells Eddie tonight, anyway?
Johnny: He said he had a thing.
Brian: A thing?
Johnny: Dunno. Swhat he told me.
["Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski suddenly enters Castillo's wearing a greasy mechanic's uniform. Apparently, he's been working on someone's car.]
Mitch: Yo, Arthur! You really need to get that transmission fluid leak checked... That's about the last Cadillac Cimarron on the road anywhere, be a shame to sell it for scrap.
[Arthur looks up from a bourbon and Coke.]
Arthur: It's Bruno's car. He's the double D this week, poor guy...
Mitch: Always remember to use a designated driver, especially here at Castillo's, where the only water you can get is by jamming your lips under that little tiny sink in the restroom... I don't recommend that...
Arthur: Easier than sucking a keg dry, though. Say, you're that crazy wrestling guy, the one with the tennis ball, aren't you?
Mitch: Was until I almost got deported. I love Canada! Free health care, better beer, and snow, what's not to love? And, since we don't have many employees here at ISW yet, I saved Jon Rose money. Not only will he not have to pay my bail again, I auctioned a match with myself off on eBay.
Arthur: Someone is paying to beat you up?
Mitch: Yes. Think it was one of those college guys...
[In comes Eddie, college kid number 5, dressed in a black tuxedo, top hat, and glued-on handlebar mustache.]
Eddie: I am the Clichéd Villain! And I'm tired of you being nice, fixing people's cars, advertising for the salon, and doing... good! Unfortunately, I couldn't find any railroad tracks, or you would be seeing a cool video I came up with involving that one stylist... That and Castillo won't get a VCR for "Monty Python Night".
Mitch: We have a Monty Python Night Here?
Eddie: No. He won't get a VCR... All you get in here is the Score. Don't even think about changing the channel!
Mitch: Clichéd Villain, I shall vanquish you for the forces of good!
"Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski VS. The Clichéd Villain (Eddie)
Match Written by: Keith McNally
Referee: Tony Castillo
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, children of... uh, people of all ages. The following good vs. evil match is scheduled for one fall! In this corner, "Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski!
[Mitch enters the ring, smiling excitedly, to the cheers of the old guys in the back.]
EEE: And his opponent, hailing from the empty seat over there... the Clichéd Villain!
[Six of the seven remaining college guys cheer, all except for Steve.]
Steve: Holy lord. Is that Eddie?
[Ding Ding Ding!]
[Mitch holds a hand out to the Cliched Villain, who merely laughs and twirls his mustache. Unexpectedly, the CV strikes Mitch with a stiff judo jab to the stomach, then swings him around for a reverse chin lock. Mitch, grunting in pain, reaches his hand around, still waiting for a handshake.]
Steve: So, wait, what's the story here? What's wrong with that devil guy?
Mikey: Nothing's wrong with him. He's reformed!
Jack: But he didn't used to look like that.
Zach: Yeah, well see, it turns out that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police thought his old persona constituted "hate speech." The bastards.
[Mitch flips CV over his shoulder, then takes CV's hand for a quick handshake before backing off and crouching in a defensive position.]
Steve: Persona? You mean he was faking being evil? No way! I'll bet money that guy was really crazy!
Mikey: Well, yeah, he was. But he's been redirected! Now he's crazy about Canada.
Zach: Exactly. He changed his ways.
[CV gets to his feet, picking up his hat and putting it back on. Mitch kicks him in the gut and puts him in an improvised headlock, knocking the hat back off.]
Mitch: You will do good! You hear me, villain? GOOD!
Jack: So how do you guys know all this stuff about him?
Zach: You just gotta keep your ear to the ground, man. Become one with wrestling, and suddenly you'll find yourself knowing all kinds of weird stuff.
Mikey: Though in this case, it's because he came to us. We helped repackage him.
[CV reverses the chinlock, and then puts Mitch in a sleeper. Mitch's arms flail about; trying to free himself, but Eddie has it locked in solid.]
Steve: "Repackage" him?
Zach: Into a more crowd-friendly direction. Here, watch this. Mitch! MITCH!
Mitch (struggling for air): What?
Zach: My chair feels a little wobbly. You think you could find me something to prop under one of the legs?
Mitch: No problem, just gimme a minute! I'm a little busy right now...
[Mitch brings an elbow back into CV's gut. CV doubles over, releasing the hold. Mitch quickly hops onto the first turnbuckle and comes down with a fist on the back of CV's neck, and CV falls to the mat.]
Zach (turning to the others): See? He's helpful now! When he's not busy wrestling.
Steve: We'll see. Hey Mitch! Get me some peanuts!
[CV scrambles between Mitch's legs, and as Mitch turns CV slaps him hard in the face. In his dazed state, Mitch is easily tossed from the ring, landing near the college guys. The Cliched Villain stands with
his hands on his hips, laughing theatrically.]
Mitch (crawling over to the college guys table): Hey Zach, I found this big woodchip on the floor. Try it under you chair leg.
Zach: Thanks, Mitch!
[Mitch gets slowly to his feet and stumbles a little as he makes his way to another table, where a waitress is picking up dishes.]
Mitch: Hey, let me get those for you. You just take it easy.
[Mitch starts loading his arms with dishes, but Eddie comes up suddenly behind him, leaping off his own vacant chair to smash Mitch with a double axehandle. Mitch drops all the dishes, which smash against the floor, then falls backward across the table. CV continues assaulting him with hammering blows, laughing loudly. Finally the table tips backward, sending the two crashing to the floor.]
Tony: Hey, guys, come on! You're wrecking up the place!
Mitch (with Eddie still piled on top of him): Don't worry, Tony, I'll pay for the damages!
[Mitch rolls CV off him and stands, then pulls CV to his feet.]
Mitch: You see what you've done, you cad? You're wrecking Tony's bar!
[Mitch begins marching CV back to the ring, then tosses him back in.]
Steve: So I understand what happened to the devil guy, but what's up with Eddie? What's he doing wrestling?
Mikey: He used to be a wrestler in high school.
Steve: I know that, but he's wearing a suit! And a fake mustache!
Zach: We're just giving Mitch a boost. If he's gonna be a good guy, he needed a villain to face.
Mikey: Exactly. It'll give him his first real taste of justice!
Jack: You guys are retarded.
Zach (snickering): Not as retarded as Eddie. I can't believe he went for this...
Mikey: I know he's not a professional, but he seems to be working pretty stiff. Maybe he just doesn't like Scott Bell.
Zach: Well, sure. Nobody liked Scott Bell. Not even his momma.
Jack: Who's Scott Bell?
Zach: That guy! The guy in the overalls! The helpful guy!
Jack (looking confused): Waitress! I'm gonna need another beer over here!
[Mitch manhandles CV in the ring, stepping on CV's hat in the process.]
CV: Hey, watch it! I paid a deposit on that!
Mitch: You wouldn't need a hat if you got your hair done at Shear Bliss, Halifax's premier low-cost unisex hair salon!
Jack (looking even more confused): What? Dammit, where's my beer?
Steve: Hey, Bell! Where's my peanuts!
Mitch (lifting CV into a fireman's carry): I'm Brzezinski, not Bell! And I forgot! Sorry!
Steve: You better be!
Arthur (getting to his feet at the back of the bar): Get 'im, Mitch! Show him who's boss!
[Mitch samoan drops CV straight onto his already crumbled top hat. A chorus of cheers and glass clinking comes from the old guys at the back.]
Steve: The old guys actually like him? What kind of miracle caused that?
Mikey: Well, he's been helping them out all week. I heard he even installed a new toilet at Riley's house, all by himself.
Jack: He knows how to install toilets?
Mikey: Well, I never said he did it right. But those old guys, they respect that kinda moxie. Doesn't matter if you do it right, as long as you try.
Zach: Which would explain why theyre so accepting of Mitchs wrestling style...?
[In the ring Mitch is attacking CV with awkward clubbing blows. Eddie starts getting back to his feet, but looks shaky.]
Old guys: FINISH HIM!
[Mitch gives them a boy scout salute and leaps into the air for a modified Shining Wizard, modified in the sense that it's actually just a leaping, flailing kick to the back of Eddie's head. CV goes down, falling to his knees, and then tipping forward to fall on the bottom rope. He pants as he leans on the rope, his arms dangling out over the side of the ring.]
Riley: You've got him, son!
Zach: Finish him, Mitch! He's done like dinner!
Steve: Yeah! Cream that guy!
Eddie (groggy): C'mon guys, I'm your friend...
Mikey: Wreck him, Mitch! Get the win!
[Mitch slides to the outside of the ring and searches underneath the apron, pulling out a stop sign.]
Bruno: That'll stop him!
[The other old guys cringe and look down at their beer, pretending that Bruno didn't just say that.]
[Mitch holds the sign high in the air as the crowd cheers, then smacks it across Eddie's head hard enough to send Eddie sailing backward, landing on his back in the middle of the ring.]
Zach: That did it, Mitch! Get in there and pin!
[Mitch holds up a hand as if to say 'Hold on', then climbs to the top turnbuckle. He stands for a moment with his arms outstretched, his eyes closed, his face calm and upturned.]
Mikey: Yes! The Escalator to Heaven!
Jack: The what?
[Mitch dives from the turnbuckle, his eyes still closed. He comes down with a flying headbutt, which connects with Eddie's skull, and the impact causes them both to bounce as they simultaneously reach up
to hold their aching heads. Mitch shakes it off first, going for the pin as CV continues to hold his head, and Tony slides into the ring.]
Tony (to Mitch): Was this match under hardkore rules? Shouldn't you be disqualified?
Zach (yelling from crowd): Who cares!? Just count it!
[Tony shrugs and begins the count!
DING! DING DING!]
Triple E: The winnnnner... and neeeeewwww... winnnnner... "Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski!!
[Mitch raises his hands in the air, soaking up the adoration of his public. He rolls from the ring and starts walking back toward the kitchen.]
Mitch: I'll never enter from that bathroom again! I'm good, and it feels great! Now, I'm gonna go get some peanuts for that kid!
[Eddie pulls himself from the ring and stumbles over to his chair. He sits down heavily and takes a huge swig of beer. Castillo disappears behind the bar, opening one of the small refrigerators.]
Eddie: What the heck happened, guys? You were supposed to be on my side!
Mikey: Yeah, sorry about that. We just got swept up in the match.
Zach: No hard feelings, huh?
Steve: The hell with that! Did you see when that guy smacked you in the head with that road sign? That was awesome!
[Eddie shoots Steve a look.]
Steve: Uh... Hey, I'll get you a beer, okay? And we'll all pitch in to pay for that top hat.
Jack (slapping Eddie on the back): And don't forget, you made Mitch pay for all those broken dishes. You're the real winner here!
Eddie (smiling): You know, that's true. Even when I lose I win! For I am...The Cliched Villain! MWUHAHAHAHA!
Jack (looking a little worried): You sure he's not concussed?
[Tony Castillo pops back from behind the bar with an ice pack. He steps over to Eddie and tosses it to him.]
TC: Good going there, bro.
Eddie: Thanks Tony.
[Eddie slaps the ice pack on his skull and leans back.]
Jack: Oh hey, theyre starting again!
Keg & Cones Match!
Sherrick vs. Little Blue Super Jew
Referee: Cadwell Warner
Writer: Nick Piers
[Eric Eric is back in the ring again with the microphone. Cadwell Warner runs out from the kitchen decked out in his official referee uniform, sans Captain Wonder colors. He stands with his hands on his hips beside "The Eric" as the announcing begins.]
EEE: Lads and gents
ladies and gentlemen!
Arthur: The only ladies are in the front row, there!
Toasty: Yeah, but we aint cheap!
[The eight college guys have a hearty laugh. Eddie gives a heavy groan, the laughter only making his headache a little worse.]
EEE: The following contest
is the KEG AND CONES MATCH!!!!!
[Tony Castillo rolls out the first two kegs on a gurney. Atop the two kegs are two traffic cones along two small lengths of plastic tubing.]
Jack: Attaboy, Tony! Well have a pint or two if they cant finish it off!
TC: At ease, guys!
[Tony rolls the gurney to just outside the ring beside the announcers table where Jon Rose sits. Tony then jogs back to the bar as Riley is up there with a twenty dollar bill.]
EEE: The rules are simple. The two competitors will wrestle for five minutes. After that, they must each empty the keg by drinking as much as humanly possible through the traffic cones. Also, for every time that the referee
has to go for a pin count, he must exit the ring for a moment and take a shot.
[As if on cue again, after serving Riley another two pitchers, Tony Castillo runs back out with a tray filled with glass shots of what could be rum. Knowing Castillo, though, they could be extremely watered down paint.]
EEE: First, coming from the kitchen!!
["Creeping Death" by Metallica starts up!]
Little Blue Super Jew emerges from the swinging doors of the kitchen, jumping back and forth in place and working himself up in preparation for the match.]
Mikey: Woot! Go El-Bee-Ess-Jay!
Mikey: His initials, dude!!
Johnny: You need help.
[Super Jew directs a fierce smile towards the ring and dives towards it, rolling in, leaping up atop a turnbuckle.]
LBSJ: Its Jewish Pride or nothing else, friends!
Jack: Uh. Yeah.
[LBSJ hops down off the turnbuckle and assumes a stance leaning against the ring ropes in preparation for his opponent.]
EEE: From Tel Aviv, Israel! Weighing in at two hundred and thirty six pounds! THE LITTLE BLUE
Mikey: Right on!
Toasty: Boys? I think we need the chant
[All 8 Guys get to their feet in unison.]
All 8: You-Cant-Eat-Ham! *Clap, clap! Clap-clap-clap!*
LBSJ: I dont need ham to defeat the likes of
[Suddenly theres a shouting from the bathrooms.
S: Defeat?! Oh, I demand more respect that than, damnit!
[Sherrick doesnt even wait for his entrance or music to start or anything. With no mic in hand, Sherrick steps out and begins yelling, despite the small amount of crowd noise and everything else in the background.]
Sherrick: Last week, I was disrespected in possibly the worst possible way in the history of the world. Not only did I lose a match that I had won, but I was banned from the building until this afternoon. That's not to mention the dumbest thing that Jon Rose could have ever done, making that fat idiot over there
[Sherrick gestures at Warner standing in his corner.]
the referee for all my matches until kingdom come. Does he realize what he's done? That gives me EVERY OPPORTUNITY POSSIBLE to beat his ass until Rose realizes what he's done!!
[Sherrick finally rips the microphone from Eric Eric's hand.]
EEE: Hey! Not again!
Bruno (Drunk #1): Ya fuckin bully!
Sherrick: I'm not done yet, kid!
[Eric sulks and quickly exits the ring before anything more can be done to him. Jon Rose is watching the whole situation with his arms folded.]
S: Tonight, it seems that someone who shall remain nameless came up with the match in which I've been forced to compete.
Johnny: Youre getting free beer! Get over it!
S: Although I must admit to being a big fan of drinking, I like to keep that outside of the ring. But, if I'm being forced to do this, it only will give me more fuel to add to what I already have. The only reason I'm not quitting right now, is that my personal referee has to match us with shots. I'm going to see to it that he ends up so drunk that he wont be able to end my match with the Little Blue Super Jew. Man, these stupid fuckin' superheroes...I hope these two don't have some kind of super plan to get at me.
[Sherrick chuckles at his own lame joke. The crowd completely ignores it, though, not getting it or not caring.]
S: And then, not to mention, I have to compete again later, in a battle royal! Its like people around here are TRYING to get themselves killed. Oh, well...no matter to me, I'm just here to have some fun, and if I have to come out twice to kick two times the ass, it works for me! Now
bring on the goddamn beer!!!
[Sherrick tosses the mic down, which is quickly scooped up by Eric Eric on the outside. Warner steps between Super Jew and Sherrick, who are in opposite corners.]
[gives a nervous look to Sherrick] I want a fair fight here. You still have to adhere to regular match rules. You can still win by pin fall
[Sherrick suddenly charges towards the Super Jew! Expecting something dastardly from Sherrick, the Blue Bomber saw it coming and drops forward, holding onto Sherrick with a front face lock!]
Mikey: Booyah! Did you see that, guys?! He caught Sherrick in mid-spear!
Johnny: Dude, just ask him to marry you. Geez.
[Sherrick, not panicking, slows down for a minute and tries to push out of the front face lock. Blue, with all his weight on Sherricks head, wont let him.]
Mikey: Lets go, El-Bee! You can do it! Wrench his neck!!!!
Arthur: Sit down before you hurt yerself, boy.
Mikey: Shut up!
[Sherrick starts to roll over, pulling Super Jew with him. Sherrick, now on top, goes into a bridge, pinning Super Jews shoulders down
Warner drops down the for the pin
[Not even a one as Super Jew kicks out!]
Johnny: Get to the drinkin, man!
[Warner shrugs and steps over to the ropes where Eric is all ready with a single shot. Warner downs it like nothing and turns back to the ring where both men are back up to their feet.]
S: Get used to it, fatty! Theres lots more pins where that came from!
[Super Jew and Sherrick finally lock up in the first ever collar/elbow hook up of the fed!]
Steve: They trying to hug each other?
Eddie: Its a collar/elbow lock up.
Steve: Say what? You still loopy?
[As the rest of the college guys, minus Steve, give a collective sigh, Super Jew locks Sherrick into a headlock. He grinds the headlock a few times before Sherrick backs LBSJ against the ropes and frees himself by whipping Super Jew off the opposite ropes.
The rings chains rattle as Super Jew bounces off the ropes, only to be met with a dropkick from Sherrick! Not even missing a beat, Sherrick covers Super Jew with a pin attempt!]
[Another quick kick out!
Sherrick quickly follows up with a few stomps to keep Super Jew down, then capitalizes by grabbing Blues right leg and locking in a single leg Boston crab!]
S: Take another one, damnit! I told you, youre not done yet!
All 8 Guys: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!
[Warner shrugs and is handed another shot. He downs it, wipes his lips with the back of his hand and passes the shot glass back to The Eric.
Sherrick wrenches back the half-crab some more.]
Zach: Submissions dont get him to drink more, idiot!
S: I still have to win the match, numb nuts!
[Super Jew does a small push up and manages to free some of the stress of the half-crab. With a quick movement, he rolls over to his back, sending Sherrick flying onto his own back! Like lightning, the Blue Bomber does some quick motions and locks Sherricks legs, rolling over again and wrenching back into an Indian Deathlock!]
Mikey: Now THATS impressive!
Jack: Actually, it was! Go Super Jew!
Arthur: He still looks like an idiot in all that blue!
Mikey: Ah, what YOU know?!
[Warner drops down on his large stomach and right in Sherricks face.]
CW: Do you give?!
S: Fuck you!
CW: I said
do you give!?
S: And I said
[Super Jew wrenches back some more! Sherrick growls in pain, but wont give up just yet. He pushes up and tries to get closer towards the ropes. After the dropkick earlier, the two competitors are quite close to the ropes. Warner shuffles to the side and is now side to side with Sherrick.]
Riley: Kick him, ref! Beat em to hell!
CW: Are you kidding? This is great, look at him!
[Wonder rolls over on his side, plants an elbow into the canvas and supports his head in his hand.]
[The other seven college guys look at Steve.]
Steve: What? Terri likes him!
[Sherrick finally reaches the ropes and grabs onto the bottom rope for dear life. Wonder stumbles to his feet and taps Super Jew on the shoulder to let go.]
LBSJ: I at least follow the rules, good Warner!
[Super Jew releases his Indian deathlock and takes a few steps away. Sherrick rolls out of the ring and begins limping around the outside.]
CW: Get back in the ring, Sherrick! Come on
[Begins counting Sherrick out
] One! Two!
[Sherrick limps over to the time keepers table, giving Jon Rose the evil eye.]
S: You want your referees to keep being THIS professional, Rose?! Huh?!
JR: Who ever said I claimed they were professional?
[Small crowd pop from the audience on hand!]
CW: Three! Four!!!
S: Shut up!
CW: Five! Six!
[Sherrick shakes his legs to loosen them up and hops up onto the ring apron
Only to be met by the Super Jew, who hooks Sherrick under the arms and lifts him clear over the top rope! Sherrick flies over Blue and lands hard on his back in an overhead belly-to-belly suplex!!!! The rings chains rattle violently and still clink here and there! Super Jew goes for the pin!]
[Kick out by Sherrick! Warner quickly steps over to the ropes again, downing another shot. He seems to be completely unaffected by the alcohol thus far.
Super Jew picks up the sprawled Sherrick and whips him into the ropes. Blue leaps up, wraps his legs around Sherricks head and sends him back down with a hurricanrana!!!! He hooks Sherricks legs as he goes for another pin attempt!]
Mikey: Woo! The Hanukkahnrana!!!
Zach: Oh right, like a hurricanrana wasnt hard enough to say as it was!
Eddie: And I thought _I_ was the one with the concussion.
[Wonder again steps over to the ropes and downs a shot. Super Jew goes to pick up Sherrick, but is met with a knife edge chop to the throat!]
S: There! Hows that, huh!?! You like that, you goddamn freak?! Superheroes bloody well all around me!!!
All 8 Guys: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!!
[Sherrick leaps back to his feet, but continues in the air and nails Super Jew with an enziguri kick to the back of the head! Blue collapses to the mat as Sherrick goes for another pin!]
[Blue gets a shoulder up! Warner takes yet another shot and passes the glass back to Triple E.]
Mikey: You can do it, El-Bee!
Johnny: Yeah! Nail him with a
I dont know
that David and Goliath thing from last week!
[Sherrick picks Blue back up, then wraps his arms around him into a somewhat bearhug
but picks him up and sits him on the top rope. Not on a turnbuckle, but on the ropes themselves. Sherrick then hooks Blues legs to the middle rope.
[Sherrick slaps Blue across the face for good measure, then bounces off the opposite ropes and comes back with a spinning leg kick! Blue reels back, but whips hard back over the top rope. With his legs hooked, he head smashes
right against the top of one of the wooden kegs!!!!]
Crowd: HO-LEE SHIT! HO-LEE SHIT!!!
[Super Jews eyes roll into the back of his head as he seems to be completely knocked out from the blow to the back of the head.
Suddenly, Eric Eric rings the bell several times. He grabs the mic to make an announcement.]
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the first five minutes have expired. Both men now must drink from the keg
S: ALLOW ME!!!
[Sherrick rolls out of the ring and towards the kegs. Blue is still hanging upside down from the ropes. Warner goes outside to officiate the drinking portion, but Sherrick shoves the tube in Blues mouth and uses the pump to force the alcohol down Super Jews throat!!!!]
Zach: Jesus Christ, come on man! Not like that!
[The alcohol froths inside Blues mouth as he quickly becomes completely soaked in beer!]
S: Huh!? HUH?! You like that, you blue freak!?!
CW: Come on, Sherrick! Youre gonna choke him! Hes out!
[Sherrick turns to face Warner with an evil grin. He reaches with his free hand for one of the traffic cones
and nails Warner right in the face with it! Cadwell drops like a load of bricks and sprawls over top the two kegs, his arms drooping over the other side.]
S: Whats your poison, freak job!?
Crowd: ASS-HOLE!!!! ASS-HOLE!!!!!
[Sherrick takes the second tube and forces it into Cadwells mouth. He starts working the keg pump as the beer begins to froth in Warners mouth as well.
Jon Rose leans over to Eric and whispers something in his ear. Suddenly, Eric Eric rips off his dress shirt, revealing a referee shirt underneath. He dives under the ropes and begins to count out Sherrick!]
EEE: One!!! Two!!!
S: What the HELL are you doing!?
EE: Three! Four!!
Toasty: ER-IC! ER-IC!
[Sherrick keeps forcing the alcohol down Cadwells throat, who suddenly bolts to his feet!!!! Sherrick is completely taken back as he didnt expect that!!!]
EEE: Five! Six!!!
S: What the hell!?!?! Youre supposed to be
CW: Oh, you forgot something, oh Evil One
my super power is
[The crowd suddenly erupts at Cadwell standing up to Sherrick! Warner puts his hands on his hips in the most heroic manner a 500 plus pound man can muster!]
IMPERVIOUSNESS TO ALCOHOL!!!
EEE: Seven! Eight!!
*Ding, ding, ding!!!*
[Via Jon Rose at the small stereo beside him, "Creeping Death" by Metallica starts up!]
EEE: [Microphone in hand the whole time.] Ladies and gentlemen, due to that his feet were still in the ring the whole time, the winner of this match
AS A RESULT OF A COUNT OUT!!!
[The bar erupts as glasses clink together in celebration! Sherrick, fuming at all of this, storms down the stairs and through the double doors to outside! Warner, with the help of Castillo, untangles Little Blue Super Jew and helps him back into the kitchen.]
Fat Suit Match!
Abordar VS. Brother Superior
Written By: Nick Piers
Referee: Cadwell Warner
[Eric Eric remains in the ring after the Keg & Cones match. Jon Rose drapes Erics dress shirt over the top rope, which Triple E hustles to put back on while announcing.]
EEE: Ladies and
the next contest is THE FATE SUIT MATCH!!!
Jack: Fate Suit?
EEE: [Looks down at the cards.] Whoops. Uh
A FAT SUIT MATCH! First, the challenger
["You're the Best Around" by Peter Cetera starts up.
[Brother Superior waddles down the aisle in his cumbersome fat suit. He gets in the ring with no help but some unsurprising difficulty. He walks back and crosses across in the squared circle like a tiger; a morbidly obese tiger. He grabs the mike, and then breathes deeply before he speaks.]
Toasty: Damn dude! You look like you could bleed chocolate!
[A burst of laughter from the audience, but the Superior One ignores it completely. In the midst of the promo, Cadwell Warner runs back from the kitchen. He seems to be completely energized by the shots and pints of alcohol just minutes ago. He rolls under the bottom rope, huffing and puffing, and tries not to let anyone notice he just appeared.]
BS: It's been a long wait. I've been looking for a league in which I truly belong; which is truly the place for me. But so far, I have seen none of this in this league. Don't get me wrong folks!
[He spreads his arms in a loving and inviting manner.]
BS: I love the fans! I love those involved with Independent Wrestling spirit! I love this referee!
Zach: Man, are you sure your last name isnt Rhodes?
[Superior gives Cadwell a big quasi hug. You know where you wrap your arm around a guys shoulder and draw him in tight; in a non-romantic and "he's my buddy" sort of way. Warner, only all too happy, returns the "buddy" embracing. Brother Superior lets go and continues his speech.]
BS: But so far, these fighters leave a lot to be desired. Look at my opponent tonight! Hes fat, easily exhaustible. Not using proper fighting strategy; speaking a dead language! But friends...I know that my influence may draw them higher. If not, independent spirit is doomed, because I will be the only true fighter in it
much better than this fat, stupid, pathetic monstrosity with his confused sense of honor.
[Theres a sudden cry from the entrance!]
A: "¡En la esquina técnica, Abordar!"
[Abordar dashes up the stairs and leaps up onto the apron! Tonight, hes wearing a huge and fancy mask with horns, something like Psycosis used to wear. The horns themselves on this Luchador mask are heavily feathered and move and sway with the 300 pounders movements. Overdramatically, Abordar swings an arm outwards and points a massive finger in Superiors direction.]
Jake: Just for the record guys? He said "In the face corner, Abordar!"
All 8 Guys: Thanks!
[Abordar leaps up onto the top rope and flies with a grace only a 300 pound man can do! Brother Superior attempts to move out of the way, but cant with his newfound massive girth! Abordar collides with the Superior One with a flying spin kick!
Abordar leaps back to his feet
A: ARIBA LA RASSA!
[The other seven guys look over at him.]
Zach: What? So I used to watch that southern stuff.
[Abordar quickly goes for the pin!
Arthur: Now whos goddamn superior!?
[Brother Superior suddenly comes to life with a flurry of fists to Abordars face! Abordar, still on his knees and trying to get up to continue the onslaught, didnt see it coming at all. He grabs the 300 pounder by the left arm and locks it into an armbar!]
Zach: Move number three hundred and twenty seven
Mikey: [Elbows Zach.] Okay, thats enough references to southern wrestling now.
Not used to technical wrestling, Abordar flounders around on the mat, unsure of how to counter. Finally, he does a kip-up, breaking the hold and landing on his feet. Abordar runs towards the ropes and leaps to the second rope, flying backwards in a moonsault!]
[Still not quickly enough to move, Brother Superior is flattened by the Luchador extraordinaire! Abordar goes for the pin again!
Bruno: DIRECT HIT!!
[The four old drunks share a hearty laugh and clink their glasses together.
Abordar huffs and puffs as he gets back to his feet again
but Superior drops him back down again with a drop toe hold! He locks Abordars leg in an anklelock, hoping for a submission!]
.do you give up?!
Arthur: Thats Russian, you idiot!
A: Aw crap
NO, I dont give up!
Arthur: Thats tellin him!
[Abordar reaches for the ropes, but Superior drags him back to the center of the ring!]
[Superior drops on his back and wraps his own legs around Abordar into a more intense leglock! Abordar tries as best he can to fight out of it.]
Zach: Roll onto your stomach!
Abordar: SI SENOR!!!
[Abordar fights and rolls both himself and Superior onto their stomachs. With the fat suit hindering the right impacts, Superior is forced to break the hold!]
[Abordar fights to get to his feet, though stumbling and limping. Superior rolls underneath the bottom rope and flops to his feet on the outside.]
Toasty: Oh, I think its time, boys
[Abordar starts to climb the turnbuckle
All 8 Guys: YOU BLEED CHOCLATE! *Clap, clap! Clap-clap-clap!*
BS: Shut up!!!
[Superior waddles around the ring like a pregnant penguin. Abordar continues to slowly
.Hes huffing and puffing.]
Jack: Man, this is like watching grease congealing on the wings!
[Superior looks up at the ring and sees Abordar finishing his climb. The 300 pounder marks his spot, leaps through the air, the sweat flinging off of him, hoping to land another Torillo and
He misses completely. Brother Superior dives under the ropes and back into the ring. Abordar crashes back first onto the boarded floors of Castillos. The boards creak, but dont give and theres a hard "thud!" as Abordar hits them.]
Crowd: HO-LEE SHIT! HO-LEE SHIT!
[Superior flounders back out of the ring and bends down (with the knees, the only bendable part of the suit), picking up whats left of Abordar. He wheezes and tries his hardest to shove the Luchador wannabe back in the ring and eventually does.]
Arthur: Just pin him! Theres nothing left of him!
[Sure enough, Superior rolls back into the ring and goes for the pin!]
[BIG FREAKING KICK OUT!!!!!!!!]
Zach: YOUVE GOTTA BE KIDDING!?!?!!?
Mikey: No way!!!
[Abordar and Superior both slowly get to their feet, but Superior kicks the "Luchador" in the gut, picks him upside down and
.piledriver!!! With the amount of fake fat softening the drop to the canvas, the effect wasnt as perfect as it could have been
but it did the job.]
EEE: The winner of this match as a result of a pinfall
["You're the Best Around" by Peter Cetera starts up again as Superior violently fights to remove the fat suit as quickly as he can
but Jon Rose is on the mic.]
JR: Ah ah ah, Superior. You still have to still wrestle in the fat suit again
in the Battle Royal!!!
[The crowd goes nuts! The eight college guys begin chanting, "JON ROSE! JON ROSE!"
Superior angrily drops on his back, rolls under the bottom rope and waddles back down the aisle and into the bathrooms, cussing and swearing the entire time.]
Battle Royal for $100
Referees: Eric Eric and Tony Castillo
Written by Joseph Thompson
[We see Mitch Brzezinski sitting at a table at Castillo's with two guys in suits. These two gentlemen are cable executives, representing Fox Sports Net Montana, and are scouting ISW for a possible TV deal in the Treasure State.]
MB: Next up, we have a battle royal for a whole hundred dollars Canadian. In America, that'll buy you three jumbo orders of Castillo's legendary wings.
Executive 1: These are good, much better than that place with the amply endowed waitresses. Say, why doesn't this place have any of those?
Executive 2: They can't afford them. Inflation.
Executive 1: Well, that's the point. Inflated . . .
[Out comes Eric "The Eric" Eric in a rather large cowboy hat to impress the Montana contingent.]
EEE: And now ladies and gentlemen, its time for the MAIN EVENT!
[The crowd starts to perk up and clinks their glasses together.]
EEE: And this contest is the ten-man Battle Royale with Cheese!
Toasty and the college guys: PULP FIC-TION! PULP FIC-TION!
EEE: Make that Lettuce and Tomato, for the grand sum of one hundred dollars!!! Your referee, the man who has to pony up the brightly colored bill, is Tony Castillo.
["Shoot to Thrill" by AC/DC plays."]
EEE: Your first competitor, from Portland, Oregon, weighing in at 6 pounds, three ounces, and standing 221 feet tall, here is MR. SATURDAY NIGHT!!!
Crowd: BUT IT'S SUN-DAY!! BUT IT'S SUN-DAY!!!
[Mr. Saturday Night comes out in yesterday's blue-and-white singlet, kicking and punching the smoke and grease-filled air, and you can actually see the contact vaguely. That's a blow against pollution. The chant continues, and MSN attempts to kick Triple E . . .
MSN: I'm from Maine! Maine is hardcore, Oregon is not.
Executive 1: He's right, you know. In Oregon, a chairshot is a felony punishable by prison time.
Mitch: But, in Nova Scotia, it's just a friendly handshake.
["Bad Guy Motif" from the Warner Bros. sound archives plays.]
EEE: And entering second, from Evilville, Northwest Territories, Canada, and weighing in at 179 pounds of puppy-kicking badness, THE CLICHED VILLAIN!
College guys: EDDIE! EDDIE!
[Out comes the Clichéd Villain, better known as Eddie the regular, in his tuxedo and handlebar mustache. He pauses to mess up a game of darts between two of the barflies, giving one of them three triple 20s and the other the "o" in the Molson sign, before entering the ring.]
Bruno: I win.
Jake: I won a beer . . . Three beers!
[As Eddie thumbs his nose at the cable executives in clichéd-villainous fashion, Mr. Saturday Night attempts a flying karate kick, which the Villain ducks. Even though he is technically the heel, the Clichéd Villain is getting all the crowd support, of course, he's from here and all. . .]
MB: I saw that one coming. The Villain's a quick one, I barely beat him tonight. And he paid for the privilege of losing to me. Five dollars
American. So, why did Fox Sports Montana agree to send guys to Canada?
Executive 1: I just like offshore fishing. This is a coastal province.
Executive 2: And there are no sports in Montana. It's all rodeos, high school basketball, and uh, rodeos again. . . They won't let us show dogfights. . .
[The Clichéd Villain catches the off-balance Mr. Saturday Night with a nice clothesline, and MSN is out over the top rope. . .]
Toasty: YOU STINK ON SUNDAY! YOU STINK ON SUNDAY!
[The chant picks up and Triple E grabs the mic again. ]
Eric: Your first elimination, at about 29 seconds, Mr. Saturday Night, and now, your next competitor . . .
['Misirlou' by Dick Dale and his Del-Tones hits the bar loudspeakers as the crowd begin their usual jeering. The bathroom hallway begins to crowd as Steven Stone opens the room door and beings pacing towards the ring. Outfitted in his black attire and matching aviator sunglasses he plays to the crowd as if he were a movie star. He blows a kiss to a waitress and smirks like the devil. Dodging crowd hands, he finally makes it to ringside. Pacing around the ring he finally hops up onto the ring and wipes his feet. After making his way through the ropes he raises his fists high into the air to more jeers as his music dies.]
Eric: From Hollywood, California, and someone who can probably recite every line of dialogue ever uttered by the legendary Corey Haim, weighing in at 231 pounds, here is STEVE STONE!
MB: I love his song. Liked the movie it was in, too.
Exec 1: "Pulp Fiction"?
MB: No, "Bikini Beach Party". Frankie and Annette, Dick Dale as himself, and Stevie Wonder as this like twelve-year old little out of place blind black kid . . .
[As Stone hypes the crowd, the Villain gives him a wedgie, which he counters with a blatant chokehold. Of course, no move is illegal for one hundred dollars. Stone drops the Villain, and hits a leg drop on him. He heads up the turnbuckle for The Silver Screen . . . He's off the middle rope with the elbow, but the Villain is up!]
Brian: Eddie's like, good and stuff, too bad Castillo won't hire him.
Johnny: He doesn't want regular customers in traction. We all consume a lot of deep-fried food and beer here.
Brian: Well, of course, all O'Connell's serves is egg and chips. I like eggs, but I love wrestling. And, where else could Eddie and Movie Guy go at it for money?
Johnny: You bet on this one?
Brian: Yeah, it'll be the Jewish guy . . .
Johnny: No, way, it'll be the fake Mexican guy . . . ABORDAR!!!
[The Villain hits Stone with a series of chops, which he shrugs off, responding with a leg sweep and a volley of punches to the head. Now, it's time for introduction #4.]
EEE: Your fourth competitor . . .
[Little Blue Super Jew emerges from behind the curtain, jumping back and forth in place and working himself up in preparation for the match. He directs a fierce smile towards the ring and dives towards it, rolling in, leaping up atop a turnbuckle, and jovially jawing with the fans. He assumes a stance leaning against the ring ropes, waiting for his foe to make the first move. But after consuming a few cones of lager, he's not quite able to do so. He falls out of the ring, but not above the top rope, so he is not out. ]
Mikey: Mazel tov!
Jack: What does that mean, anyway?
Mikey: Either "good luck" or "you go, girl", I'm not sure which.
Jack: Aaah, then.
[LBSJ climbs back into the ring, at first going after the Clichéd Villain and locking in the Arm Bar Mitzvah rather sloppily.]
Mitch: This is a battle royale! Submission moves won't work.
Executive 1: Why not? The last time I watched wrestling, it was 1982, and "Mick Morton's Fun Time WrestleToons" was tops on CBS . . .
Executive 2: NBC.
Executive 1: Not in Missoula. I like this little Jewish guy, he reminds me of the boss. Well, without the hair.
Mitch: He's really going after Eddie here.
[Stone grabs LBSJ and attempts a less-complex armbar of his own. The hobbling Villain pulls out a roll of duct tape from his tights.]
MB: He's wrapping his fists! That's wrong!
Executive 1: Why, I think I'd need some padding if I was going to clock one of these guys . . .
["Eminence Front" by the Who plays. Out comes Sherrick, sober after his Keg and Cones match victory, calmly entering the ring before Eric even notices him and backdrops the Clichéd Villain over the top rope.]
Eric: The Clichéd Villain has been eliminated at 8:11 by . . . SHERRICK? He's out here already?
[Sherrick goes after the stumbling LBSJ, spearing the Hebrew legend, as Stone kicks Sherrick in the back of the head, something he hardly notices. Sherrick hits LBSJ with a nice released German suplex, sending him into the feet of Steve Stone. Both men are down, and LBSJ goes for the Samaritan Strangle!]
Executive 1: Do these two want to win? It looks like they just want to kill each other.
[Sherrick lands a top-rope leg drop on, well, both LBSJ and Stone, but right at LBSJ's shoulder, which causes him to release the hold, and Stone, either in convulsions or rage, repeatedly knees LBSJ in the groin as Sherrick puts a Cobra Clutch on him.]
MB: This has been a fine example of ISW's quality technical wrestling from two of it's best technical moves. They know more moves than I've forgotten. Like the one where you pick up the guy over your head and toss him on the ground.
Executive 1: The Bodyslam?
MB: Yeah, I think that's what it's called. Oh, yeah, my charity event . . . "Bodyslamming the Feral Cat Problem", for the local RSPCA, at the Candlelight Ballroom, featuring the music of Kansas . . . Coming next Sunday, because I had nothing better to do . . .
Executive 1: The Kansas? "Dust in the Wind", "Carry On, Wayward Son"?
MB: No, the Topeka Philharmonic and this guy from Dodge City who plays the mad spoons. . .
["Regla el Mundo" by Los Muchachos de la Batalla plays, as Abordar comes out, slapping hands with the crowd and stopping at Belinda and Thomas-John's table for a big forkful (he apparently bought a big fork) of Castillo's super-greasy poutine . . . ]
EEE: And introducing, uh . . .
[Eric is counting on his fingers as Abordar is chowing down.]
EEE: ...seventh, from Mexico City, Canada, here he is, ABORDAR!!!
Abordar: Saltaré sobre usted tengo gusto de la nube poderosa!
[Abordar goes for a corkscrew something on Steve Stone. Either way, Stone just ate 290 pounds of Canadian lucha goodness, and he's out . . . very out . . . LBSJ drags him to the ropes as Sherrick goes for a Figure Four on Abordar. ]
Zach: Viva la raza!
Toasty: Dude, both of you are from Quebec, say it in French!
Toasty: Just do it.
Zach: Désirent ardemment de phase la course!
Toasty: Don't think that's right.
Zach: Well, I don't speak French as well as I can speak Spanish, I went to first grade here, remember, with you? I can still remember why they call you Toasty!
Toasty: Shut up and watch Mexi-Man make hash of these fools.
[LBSJ puts Steve Stone out over the top rope. Meanwhile, Sherrick goes for a top rope legdrop of his own, showing Abordar how it's done, and Abordar goes for some open hand slaps, a ground-bound move, but a staple of lucha.]
EEE: At 10:13, Steve Stone has been eliminated by Little Blue Super Jew . . . And now, competitor number six
["South of Heaven" by Slayer plays and out walks Dane Black, he throws off his trench coat as soon as Slayer begins the lyrics. He jumps up and down, as the crowd boos their asses off. He then gives dagger eyes off to everyone as he slowly walks to the ring and slides in. He walks to one corner, and jumps up to the top turnbuckle and looks out to the crowd with that psycho no blink eyes. He then gets down from the turnbuckle, leaping off into the Abordar/Sherrick pile
MB: Black's a real hardcorist, but does he know who he's dealing with here? That's Abordar, the man who doesn't know that he's not a tiny Mexican, and Sherrick . . . THE Sherrick, the man who doesn't know the meaning of sane. I almost feel sorry for him, especially after the Mounties go after him.
[A small midget dressed in a suit, complete with top hat, rolls a 27 inch color television onto the entrance ramp, a VCR sits on top. The midget hits play, and then scampers away. The image of a wolf's head comes onto the TV. In its mouth is a pentagram.]
MB: Hey, he looks like Mini Clichéd Villain, but what the heck is this?
[The TV fades to black. Mitch pulls out a screwdriver and heads toward it.]
MB: I'll fix it . . .
[Meanwhile, Abordar is back up top, going for a 540 splash, which looks more like a 178 splash, but it's effective at nailing LBSJ. But LBSJ goes for some sort of neck submission out of this. Meanwhile, Sherrick and Black are in a tie-up, which Sherrick parlays into a suplex.]
EEE: Introducing first, standing over there, hailing from Cleveland, Ohio... He stands at six feet seven inches and weighs in at two hundred and fifty pounds. He is evil personified! He is "The Wolf"! He is The Wolf, LARK FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZ!!!!
[The beginnings of "Massacre" by The Berzerker pounds over the piss-poor PA system. The few fans immediately turn their attention towards the entrance way, waiting for the one and only Lark Fenriz to show his face. And show his face he does, right into a heavy onslaught of complete boo's. Clad in a trench coat, and his wrestling pants, Fenriz stops at the top of the bathroom entrance, squinting in the bright light. He smiles, looking at all of the wonderful people that despise him, and continues on to the ring. He climbs to the top rope, and leaps onto Dane Black.]
Meanwhile, Mitch and Jack come out and remove the TV. Fenriz is distracted and Dane Black whacks him with a hidden roll of change.]
MB: Canadian money hits harder. Fenriz felt that one.
Executive 1: We've been scouting wrestling promotions for months now. You know how much we've seen of this guy?
MB: A lot?
Executive 2: Yeah. He is good, but can you picture this guy on some licensed merchandise?
MB: It's about the workrate, dude. Granted, I don't have any, but I know that. And, I think Monty Python Night is coming soon to Castillo's Bar and Grill . . . Nice TV, a Hitronics, those are a whole 30 bucks at the dollar store
[Dane Black, Lark Fenriz, Sherrick, and Abordar all climb to a turnbuckle. LBSJ would, too, and he tries
but, there isn't one there
.and everybody leaps at the same time
CRACK!!! Only LBSJ is moving, and he's going after Fenriz first
Up, over, and out
Nice bodyslam by the blue-haired Semitic guy!]
Eric: Lark Fenriz has been eliminated by Little Blue Super Jew, just now.
[Fenriz is angry at both losing and having his TV stolen, and he goes after Mitch Brzezinski . . . The babyface repairman gets superkicked right out of his chair and into the bar . . . Meanwhile, LBSJ is locking in the Tel Aviv Cloverleaf on Dane Black as Sherrick and Abordar are still out of it. I see movement from Abordar!]
Jack: Abordar's getting up! Here it comes, another bombastic top-rope move.
Zach: You know how Toasty got his name, right?
Zach: Well, it was a cold December day in first grade . . .
[Abordar with a plancha on Sherrick! This wakes up the madman, and he goes for a horizontal base tie-up on Abordar. Meanwhile, LBSJ is chopping away at Dane Black . . .]
Mitch [with a nosebleed]: Dane Black's getting homicidified out there. The kid ain't got it . . .
[Dane Black hears Mitch, and jumps up on the turnbuckle. His rage is such that he does not know what he does, and one little nudge from LBSJ ends his night. Meanwhile, Sherrick finds the one empty chair in the place . . . conveniently shoved in the ring by one of the drunks . . . And creams Abordar with it!]
Mitch: That's a Nova Scotia handshake right there. Abordar has to be gone after all the action he's had tonight.
[Dane Black shows up at Mitch's table, and clocks Executive 1 with a loaded fist, and then kicking Mitch really, really hard in the face
again . . .]
EEE: Dane Black was eliminated by Little Blue Super Jew, a while back. And our penultimate competitor, 400 pounds of heroism, and one of our arbiters of rules, Captain Wonder!
[The Captain takes the by-now obligatory leaping entrance into the ring, directly onto Sherrick, and his chair . . . The Captain is out of it . . . Sherrick, not wanting to repeat his earlier mistakes, hoists the Captain up, and he can't do it . . . I mean, the Captain's even heavier than Abordar, and Sherrick has taken two beatings tonight. Meanwhile, the remaining conscious executive gets a new plate of wings . . . Abordar, transfixed by grease, slips barely under the bottom rope for some chow.]
Executive 2: Hands off the food.
Abordar: Estas alas son calientes enojado!
[Abordar eats a wing, and throws the rest right in Sherrick's face! He just tasted the Super Hot Zebra Sauce, which nobody but Americans orders! He is angry and they're brawling outside the ring. Sherrick DDTs Abordar into the table . . . Meanwhile, LBSJ, who has been doing this all night, with his squat physique, finds the Captain easier to plant over the top.]
EEE: Captain Wonder has been eliminated by Little Blue Super Jew at 20:30. And now, for our final competitor
["You're the Best Around" by Peter Cetera plays as Brother Superior comes to the ring. This is, of course, essentially a handicap match, and so, he doesn't need the fatsuit anymore, but he does seem to have his thumbs tied together with a Chinese finger trap. He gets quickly in the middle of the ring, and grapples to the extent his handicap allows with Little Blue Super Jew. Actually, it seems to work very well with a German suplex. He sends LBSJ into the corner, where he makes contact with the turnbuckle really hard. I think that even scared the Brother.]
EEE: BROTHER SUPERIOR!!!
Johnny: Isn't he that guy who used to wear the pointy space helmet on TV?
Brian: Yeah. A group of people claiming to be aliens protested, and the Space Racist gimmick was dropped in 1996 after a trial run. Then he became "Stinky" P. U. Odor. That didn't make sense on TV, you couldn't smell him . . .
Zach: You could live, though. I went to the tapings when they were in Bangor, Maine. They sprayed something awful on him.
[Meanwhile, Abordar and Sherrick are brawling into the bathroom, where we can't see them, but we hear the sound of things being crashed into porcelain . . . CRASH!!! That sounded like a bathroom stall wall falling apart!
In the ring, Brother Superior, struggling with the Chinese finger trap, realizes that a piledriver is possible. He picks up LBSJ . . . little piledriver, little piledriver, NO!!! That just seemed to shake the alcohol out of the blue-haired guy, and he goes for a Hanukkahrana! He has Brother Superior down
Zach: And it's important to note that Toasty was wearing a plastic Star Trek raincoat, because it had been snowing.
Johnny: That part's funny enough right there! A Star Trek raincoat!
[Sherrick and Abordar come out of the bathroom, both soaking wet. They brawl to the ring, a tired Abordar ahead of Sherrick. Abordar climbs to the top . . . And planchas off onto Sherrick! Oops.]
EEE: Abordar has been eliminated by himself at 25:39.
[Sherrick climbs back into the ring, and tosses LBSJ off of Brother Superior, going for a triangle choke. LBSJ leaps on Sherrick's back, and applies a face-claw! Sherrick is feeling it as he counters it, into a roll-up, and he has LBSJ in the corner where he wants him
big powerslam by Sherrick in a rare show of strength, and Little Blue Super Jew is done.]
EEE: Little Blue Super Jew has been eliminated by Sherrick at 28:20.
Brian: Whoa, he took out like everybody, except for Mr. Yesterday and Abordar.
Johnny: It's called Canadian Courage. He was full of Molson. I don't even think it's like, what do you call it, kosher.
Brian: I don't think there's any pork in beer. Except in yours, the pork rinds go in the sauce, dude.
[Now we're down to the final confrontation between Sherrick and Brother Superior. They grapple in the center of the ring, neither man gaining advantage
And Sherrick grabs something out of his tights
We've seen chairs, wings, and change, but not
A TURNBUCKLE PAD! He's wrapping it around his fist! Punches to Brother Superior
Two . . .
Brother Superior seems really dazed here, like it was steel under there instead of just Sherrick's hand
Nine . . . And Brother Superior's Chinese finger trap breaks! He's not handicapped anymore, and it's one on one! He gets a single-leg takedown on Sherrick and gains control of the pad
He's trying to make a blindfold out of it?]
Toasty: NUT-JOB!!! NUT-JOB!!!
[The chant catches on, but I don't think the crowd does . . . Not only does this seem to be serving as a new handicap . . . He has a plan . . . Brother Superior headbutts Sherrick
But not five, as Sherrick dodges, and he finds the chair that still has a huge Abordar-cranium dent in it . . . He whacks Brother Superior hard and the temporarily handicapped one is out . . . Sherrick is ready to end it . . . He's taking him to the ropes . . . It's over!!!]
EEE: Your winner of
..DOLLARS, at 37:10, SHERRICK!!!!
[The crowd boos as Sherrick celebrates with the crisp Canadian C-note. A chant starts somewhere
from under the table that formerly housed Mitch Brzezinski and the TV executives. . . ]
Crowd: BUY A ROUND!!! BUY A ROUND!!!
[Sherrick gets out of the bar rather quickly, finances intact.
Meanwhile, Jon Rose steps into the ring once everyone has calmed down for a few minutes. Theres still a chorus of boos from the audience for Sherrick ducking out on them so quickly
twice in one night.]
JR: Folks, thats the end of the show, come back again in two weeks. In the meantime
All 8 College Guys: FREE BEER AND PIZZA!!!
JR: Damn right. So without further ado
[A small group of young college guys climb into the ring and start setting up some band equipment. Two of them drape a cloth banner over the top rope. It reads: "Free Beer & Pizza: The Band".]
Brian: Oh, what the hell???!
[Finally, Eddie comes back from the bathroom after being eliminated. Still decked out in his Clichéd Villain outfit, he climbs up onto the apron and twists his handlebar mustache in the most maniacal way he can
Eddie: Muaha! Once again, the simple folks of Castillos are tricked by
THE CLICHED VILLAIN!!!!
[A chorus of boos resonate through Castillos as Eddie and his band start to play some cover songs from AC/DC.
End of Show #2! Woo!]
©2004 BOB Wrestling. If not completely confused, spin around three times and click your knuckles together.