BOB Presents: As A Result Of Burnout, Vol. 3!
This isn't our show....Well, it is NOW!
[A graphic appears on the screen. It looks exactly like those two sentences up there. Confused? You're supposed to be. After all, you're drunk. And this is just a very bad dream. Plus, it beats a Best Of show. Too much editing and research for that. So, BOB proudly presents a federation that could just as easily be BOB's second cousin three times removed. Independent Spirit Wrestling. Enjoy.]
[A black van pulls into a snowy parking space just outside of Castillos Bar & Grill. Spray painted on the side of the truck is a stick figure losing its balance and the words "Caution: Wet Floor" beside it. Brody and Logan hop out of the back of the truck with some miscellaneous band equipment. Out of the drivers side of the van is CWFs lead singer, Terri.]
Terri: Bring all that stuff right in, guys. We dont want icicles flicking off the guitar strings.
Brody: Storage room upstairs?
[Terri grabs a large cardboard box in her arms and steps through the large door to the inside. "Moe" holds the door open for her as she makes her way further inside Castillos.]
Moe: Welcome back, Ter. The other guys are all ready here.
T: Oh good. They drunk yet?
Moe: Getting there.
[Terri giggles and enters the main area. The wrestling ring is set up; Tony Castillo is running around trying to deliver drinks to what looks like a slightly larger crowd on hand. Along with the eight college guys in the front row, they seemed to be joined by another twenty of their friends. Theyre chatting away and having some drinks.
Terri hands the box in her hands to Brody, who disappears upstairs. She makes her way towards the front row where Steve has a seat reserved for her. He bolts to his feet and embraces her in a hug in front of all the guys.]
Steve: Hey Ter-Bear.
Terri: Hey Steve-O.
[The college guys give a giant "awwww!" but are elbowed by some of their own respective girlfriends.]
Steve: Ready for some rasslin?
Terri: Hell yeah, sucka!
[As if on cue, Eric "The Eric" Eric steps away from the timekeepers table. Jon Rose remains sitting at the table, reading over some notes. Triple E climbs into the ring, the microphone in one hand, a clipboard in the other.]
EEE: Ladies and
Crowd: ERIC! ERIC! ERIC! ERIC!!!!
EEE: <Ahem> Ladies and
Crowd: ERIC! ERIC! ERIC! ERIC!!!!!
EEE: Come on, guys!
[Triple E, smiling from ear to ear, finally gets to the announcing. The college guys are still hooting and hollering, but not enough that Eric cant do his job.]
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome BACK to Independent Spirit Wrestling!
Brian: FINALLY! Its been almost three weeks!
EEE: Its that flu going around. Honest!
[Eric finally gets into the game as the first match kicks off.]
"Smooth Criminal" Genshun Osakawa VS. Mr. Saturday Night
Match Written by: Nick Piers
Referee: Tony Castillo
EEE: The first match of the night is scheduled for one fall and is for the
Toasty: You dont have titles yet!
EEE: Whoops. And its for
Toasty: Better, dude!
["Shoot to Thrill" by AC/DC starts up in the bar as Tony Castillo runs from behind the bar and dives under the ropes into the ring.]
Zach: Tony has ring music?!
Tony: No, you guys
[Sure enough, out of the kitchen area is none other than Mr. Saturday Night. Wearing a blue and white singlet that has "Its Saturday Night" in lettering on the front and back, he does some savate kicks in the air to wow the crowd.]
Mikey: Hes ONE OF A KIND!
Zach: Really? I thought he seems a lot like
KIND, I said.
[Mr. Saturday Night ignores the comment and continues shuffling to the ring, shadow boxing. He leaps up onto the apron as the rings chains rattle vigorously. MSN leaps over the top rope and sits on the top turnbuckle.]
EEE: From Portland, Maine! Weighing in at two hundred and twenty one pounds
.MISTER SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!
Mikey: ONE OF A KIND!
Zach: Come on, cut that out.
Brian: Yeah, its obviously pissing him off.
Toasty: Really? <Begins thinking to himself.>
["Shoot to Thrill" cuts off as its quickly replaced by "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm blares through the speakers.]
Shout From the Bathroom: WOO!!
[A Japanese man decked out in white dress pants and a bright red leather jacket pops out of the bathroom. He stands straight up, pointing a finger straight in the air. One of the four drunks in the back runs up and slips an onion ring on the finger and ducks away. The Japanese Michael Jackson impersonator doesnt even notice it and begins to gyrate his hips as he gets closer to the ring. He leaps over the top rope and sticks his finger high in the air again. He lifts his head to as if to feel the air or to get his nose over the smoke and notices the onion ring
EEE: From The Neverland Ranch! Weighing in at a hundred and seventy eight pounds
.he is "Smooth Criminal" Genshun Osakawa!
[Disgusted by the onion ring, Genshun flings it off with a mighty force. The ring hits MSN directly in the face with a spatter of grease
MSN: Ah, my eyes!!!!!
Toasty: ONE-OF-A-KIND! *Clap-clap! Clap-clap-clap!*
The Whole FN Crowd: ONE-OF-A-KIND! *Clap-clap! Clap-clap-clap!!*
MSN: SHUT UP!!!
[Genshun darts over to Saturday Nights corner, stops on his glittery shoed heels, turns around and moonwalks the rest of the way towards MSN!]
Brian: Wait a second! Hes impersonating Michael Jackson!
Toasty: Yer just figuring that out NOW!?!?!
[Genshun finishes the moonwalk with an elbow to MSNs face in the corner. MSN reels from it, still trying to wipe off the grease but to no avail. Genshun moonwalks backwards, facing MSN this time. He stretches his arms straight out with his palms facing upwards
SCGO: HEE HEE!!!
Eddie: Damn man! Dogs can hear that!
[Osakawa runs back towards MSN, leaps up and sends Saturday Night flying back down in a blindingly fast Carousel headscissors!! He quickly goes for the pin!
[Genshun leaps to his feet, his arms spread way back and his chest sticking as far out as a man whos not even two hundred pounds can stick out.]
[Genshun grabs his crotch!]
Arthur: Thats just
[SCGO drops an elbow down on MSN and goes for the cover again.
Genshun pops back up again, grabs his crotch and sticks his finger high in the air again.]
[Smooth Criminal darts over MSN and runs right up the turnbuckles to the top rope. He begins moving and shaking his body in the same vein as Thriller!]
Toasty: Hes gonna FLY!!!
[Indeed! Genshun leaps off the top rope, sending the whole ring into a rattling spaz attack. He comes down hard onto MSNs chest with an elbow! He goes for the pin!
The crowd goes nuts!!! Genshun leaps to his feet and does the arm stretch, chest sticking out pose again.]
SCGO: WHOS BAD!?!
["Smooth Criminal" begins playing again as he gyrates in the middle of the ring in celebration. Mr. Saturday Night rolls out of the ring, still trying to rub the grease off of his face.]
Zach: You still suck on Sundays!
MSN: Oh, piss off!!
[Genshun flips over the top rope and down to the wood flooring. He continues gyrating down the aisle and back into the bathroom.]
Terri: I think Ive found a new favorite.
Steve: Me too, that guys hilarious.
Terri: Whats his name again?
Steve: Smooth Criminal Gumshoe Something or other. Zach will know!
[Steve twirls around in his seat to face Zach sitting behind him.]
Zach: I dont have a clue, man. I handle Mexican wrestling, not Japanese.
Steve: You suck.
Terri: <Tugs on Steves shirt.> Hey, theyre starting again!
Brother Superior VS. Steven Stone
Match Written by: Joseph Thompson
Referee: Cadwell Warner
[Cut to table 13 where Mindy, Mitch's valet/grooming consultant, is ordering a Cosmopolitan from assistant bartender Norv Hingle. When Tony's got his stripes on, he can't be expected to mix any frou-frou drinks, you see. Amazingly, Castillo's has cranberry juice
Mindy: It's my first time at a wrestling show. Are these next two guys any good?
Norv: [Blowing a thick layer of dust off a martini glass]: They're freaks. That Stone loon quotes movies like a human DVD player. People that obsessed with movies ought to just go buy themselves a movie theater.
Mindy: Nah, didn't have to buy one. You know the dollar theater over by Zellers? The one that shows "Ice Pirates" every Tuesday night? My cousin owns it.
Norv: And that other loon thinks he's so much better than everybody, he has to do something to even the score. He challenged me to a drink-mixing contest once, decided to prove he could mix a better drink in his mouth than I could with a shaker. Best damn G&T I ever had.
["Misirlou" by Dick Dale and the Del-Tones plays as Steve Stone comes to the ring. The crowd starts a chant.]
Jack: I'M VOTING FOR DUKAKIS!!! I'M VOTING FOR DUKAKIS!!! Oh, wait, that's not catchy.
Norv: Did you get that?
Mindy: Of course I got it. It's from the only good movie made in the past two years without any digital animation in it.
Triple E: Introducing first, from Bollywood, India, and weighing in at 136 Oscars, here is STEVE STONE!!!!
Norv: Funny, he doesn't look Indian. Oh, wait, Triple E said that. Never mind. Does he ever get one right?
[The crowd, expecting to hear "You're The Best Around", instead hears the Trammps' disco era classic "Disco Inferno"
And out comes Brother Superior
ON ROLLERSKATES? In a yellow helmet from the failed Canadian Alliance of Roller Derby's Fredericton Flamethrowers, which at least matches his shorts. He begins a lap around the ring
Eddie: BOOM BOOM HUCK JAM!!!
[The crowd quickly picks up the chant as Superior hits a perfect grind on the second ring step, then enters the ring under the bottom rope.]
Superior: Listen up boy and listen up good! There aren't a lot of truly good wrestlers here. However, you, with training, could be almost as good as me. So here's the deal: when I win the fight, you'll be mine...in a strictly platonic sense. You'll work for me and only me. You'll be my protégé and only fight with whom I agree to. If you somehow win, then I'll agree to whatever terms you have for me. Deal?
Stone: There can be only one deal. I win. That's the deal, take it or leave it.
Superior: Well, this one time, at band camp
Stone: What does this look like, Dead Jobber Storage? Get your decrepit butt out of this nice clean ring. It's going to smell like jobber in here.
Superior: I know, let's put on a show. That'll save the orphanage. Scratch that. Sounded too much like Brs -- Brk -- that fix-it puke. Whatever, let's get out of here. Or in here
[Triple E looks up.]
Triple E: And his opponent, from Winnipeg, Manitoba, and currently sponsored by Rollertech Skating Accessories, weighing in at 232 pounds that are better than your 231, here he is, BROTHER SUPERIOR!!!
[The crowd responds with a chorus of boos and just a little bit of cheers as backup.]
Triple E: And President Rose has asked me to relay this message to Mr. Superior. If the roller-skates are used as an offensive weapon in any way during this match, Stone will win and you will be disqualified. He also sends a message to Mr. Stone thanking him for the bootleg DVD of "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" that Stone procured for him and says the quality of the bonus features is way beyond that found in most pirate films.
Norv: There are pirates in "Lord of the Rings?"
Mindy: No. Slick brown-nosing on the part of Stone. As we all know from watching insider wrestling documentaries on the Biography Channel, sometimes it isn't who knows the most moves, who can hit the hardest, or even who can make the crowd stand up and cheer, it's who can kiss the most booty.
Norv: And Superior doesn't do that.
Mindy: Why should he? He's better than everyone else. Except the demigod of your choice; and Jon Rose, of course. He's the 200 Percent Man, and Superior only gives a buck ninety nine.
[This quickly gets picked up by the college guys.]
Crowd: BUCK NINETY-NINE!!! BUCK NINETY-NINE!!!
[Superior doesn't look too pleased with this, and locks up with Stone, who immediately gets a single leg takedown on Superior, but he doesn't go down
Johnny: Whoa. A one-legger limbo backslide! That's extreme!
[Superior recovers at the ropes and bounces off, appearing to go for a clothesline
but just before reaching Stone, he does a one eighty and nails a DDT variant on him. He just slammed Stone's head into the mat!]
Norv: Pretty, but everybody and their dog does that move. I give him a 1.6 on creative originality.
Mindy: Shouldn't that be 1.99?
[Stone shakes it off and gets up, deciding to bulldog Superior and throw off his center of gravity
That worked rather well, considering that Superior's headed straight for
A 360 back flip. Then, you see a perfect figure-eight etched in the dust on the bar floor. Stone, meanwhile, is posing
I believe that would be Clint Eastwood he's imitating. Superior's on the top rope! ]
Mindy: Is this wise?
[No, its not. Superior falls off the turnbuckle before he can attempt any moves. That looked rather painful. Superior is out cold. Steve Stone is going for the big elbow drop he calls "The Silver Screen"!
He's off the top! Superior lifts a knee!
OW!!! Stone just got a big heaping crotch full of roller-skate
Mindy: Well, that's the old DQ right there. Maybe Dairy Queen could throw in free sundae coupons every time we have a weird finish like this.
Norv: Eh, it's not Haagen-Dazs.
[Stone is staggering around like
well, like someone who just rammed his groinal region into a steel-toed rollerskate. Brother Superior is up
Crowd: WE'VE SEEN THAT ONE!!! WE'VE SEEN THAT ONE!!!
[Stone felt that one. Superior picks him up, and gets ready for a piledriver. But that was not an impressive piledriver at all, but I don't think it needed to be
And he does it again!!! This one has to be over right here.
[The bell rings. Superior does another 360 back flip for the crowd, and then begins to taunt them.]
Superior: You people can't even do that on a videogame, can you? Well, guess what, I can, and I don't need any stinking cheat codes. And I play every game with a Coleco paddle controller, too!
Triple E: Your winner, after the Oregon exit polls, BROTHER SUPERIOR!!!
Superior: And I do it blindfolded with Nancy Sinatra blasting out both my eardrums. That's right, I play by sense of smell. The smell of burning CDs, screeching pixels, and superiority. Sign the Face-Off petition on your way out. Of course, this place is so tiny, that'll happen anyway. I'll have to beat everybody eventually. I could run a larger promotion
In my front yard! And I live in a duplex
[Superior is heard ranting on and on as he exits the ring and disappears into the male bathroom.]
"Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski VS. "The Wolf" Lark Fenriz
Match Written by: Keith McNally
Referee: Tony Castillo
[A chef's head pokes out the kitchen, where flames are visible.]
Chef: Uh, little help?
[Triple E hightails it for the kitchen, stopping on his way to grab a fire extinguisher. This leaves the match without an announcer. Tony, glancing somewhat nervously toward the kitchen, gives the signal for things to go ahead. An attractive, thick-bodied redhead comes to the ring wheeling in the television set that formerly belonged to Lark Fenriz. She presses "Play" on the VCR...
And we see a cute little Border Collie puppy holding a sign in his mouth. The sign reads "Support your Greater Halifax Merchants' Association".
Voice-over from Mitch: I love this town! I shop here. And I advise you to do the same.
[Cut to Mitch pinning Eddie the Clichéd Villain at a charity event. The banner above them reads "Headbutting Intolerance in Our Schools, featuring Mitch Brzezinski.]
Voice-over from Mitch: If I can do anything, I will fix intolerance in our schools. In fact, I can fix everything!
[Montage of Mitch fixing some little kid's Radio Flyer wagon, installing a digital satellite dish on Bruno's roof, testing the wing sauce at Castillo's, and removing graffiti from a statue of Hal Foster. Eighties style text graphics appear on screen saying:
"All-Star" by Smash Mouth plays, and out comes Mitch Brzezinski in a yellow hardhat and overalls, and holding something that resembles a set of title belts. He gives the hat to Johnny the college guy and enters the ring.]
Mitch: There are some things that need to be fixed around here!
[Slight pop from the crowd.]
Mitch: Never ask Triple E to relay messages for you. I wanted Dane Black in this ring tonight. But, Eric just told Mr. Rose that I wanted "that scary, dark, hardcore guy." So, who do I get? The OTHER scary dark hardcore guy, Lark Fenriz!
Lark... What kind of name is that, anyway? No wonder you like to be Mr. Bad with that name. I'm sure it's hard being a boy named Lark. Well, anyway, Mr. Fenriz, before they deport you, I guess I get to fix your cranium with the Escalator to Heaven!
[Fenriz heads to the ring, bald, tattooed, and pissed. No music plays, and he points to the tv Mitch has had wheeled out.]
Fenriz: You think that's funny? You think you can just mock my entrance? You think you can play with a man who has spent time in prison, you think you can make light of the things I've seen? You don't know the world I know! You don't know the hate, you don't know the pain!
Johnny (wearing Mitch's hardhat): Ah, quit your bellyachin', baby!
[One of Fenriz's eyes ticks, but he pretends he didn't hear that.]
Mitch: Well that's all well and good, Lark, but you seem to be broken. Broken family, broken home, broken record. But don't worry! I can fix you! Though due to time constraints, we only have four matches tonight, and I'm sure the crowd wants to see... Little Blue Super Jew!
[Big pop at the mention of LBSJ. The college guys pound their tables and chant "SU-PER JEW! SU-PER JEW!"]
Mitch: And they might want to see Dane Black, too...
[Boos begin to echo through Castillo's.]
Bruno: I thought that bald guy *was* Dane Black!
Eddie [Shouting back toward Bruno]: No, that's Fenriz! He's the *other* evil guy!
Steve: Where did all these evil guys come from, anyway?
Zach: [Imitating Fenriz as a child talking to his father]: I learned it from watching you!
[The guys crack up, and Lark finally snaps, turning toward them.]
Fenriz: You think that's funny? I never even had a dad! He left before I was even born!
Bruno: Probably because you're so ugly!
[The college guys crack up again, and the old guys all clink their glasses in triumph.]
Mitch [Trying not to laugh]: So while I'm all about pleasing the fans, I'll have to displease them this time, because Dane Black will indeed be joining this match, along with Little Blue Super Jew...
Mikey: Yeah! Jew!
Mitch: ...because there are two things that ISW has never had, that it will have tonight. Number one, a tag match, and the winner gets the other thing we don't have yet...
[Mitch holds up a pair of title belts. They're a copy of the EMWC tag belts, except that the buckle is dominated by a large green frog.]
Mitch: Titles! The Taiwan FROGGO Tag Titles, unlicensed, unsanctioned, and highly gray-market. And what does that mean? Anything goes!
[Out comes LBSJ to the strains of "Creeping Death" by Metallica.]
Tony [From behind the bar, to Norv]: Did Mitch discuss those title with us, or did he just bring them from home? [Norv shrugs.]
Fenriz: Now why does he get music and I didn't?
Brian: Because Mitch stole your entrance! Loser!
[Fenriz's eye ticks again.]
[LBSJ slides into the ring and stands next to Mitch. He merely nods to show that he accepts participation in this match.]
[Before LBSJ's entrance theme stops Dane Black rushes the ring and climbs in. He grabs a mic, and listens... as feedback from hell emerges. Once it subsides Dane Black walks right up into the face of
Dane: Mitch, I got a bone to pick with you.
[Dane Black gives Mitch dagger eyes.]
Dane: You really pissed me off last week bubba. Thought you could actually throw down with the purist of harcore himself... I... Dane Black! You got another thing coming bubba. So bubba, do you really want all these pathetic losers [Points to the small crowd] to see those [Dane holds up 3 fingers] THREE things they've never had before!?
[The small crowd keeps quiet, and Mitch looks puzzled with the "three" being said.]
Dane: Well, do ya?!
[Mitch still had a puzzled look, and finally nods in a "yes".]
Dane: Well you got it bubba... One, tag match, two titles, and three... [Pokes himself in the chest.] THE DAMNEDIST AND PURIST HARDCORIST EVER!
Mitch: ...Who's bubba?
Dane: That's it. Fenriz! Let's show him what we think of his belts.
[Before Mitch or LBSJ can react, Dane and Fenriz dart forward and grab the tag belts. Mitch watches in horror as they swing the belts toward each other. They collide and smash into broken shards, and
Dane and Fenriz laugh, tossing the remains of the belts out of the ring onto the floor.]
[Mitch grabs his head, eyes wide in horror.]
Mitch: The belts... NOOOOOO!!!! Do you know what those cost? $34.95! Oh, you two will pay! Don't think you won't pay!
Dane: Let's see you fix that, Mr. Fix-it-guy!
[Fenriz gives Dane a questioning look.]
Dane: I mean... ! Meet Hardcore! Meet Me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Steve: That's it, I'm going to the bathroom.
"Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski & Little Blue Super Jew VS. Dane Black & Lark Fenriz
Match Written by: Keith McNally
Referee: Tony Castillo
[Tony goes to the ring and slides in, and signals for the bell to be rung to start the match. Steve stops by the kitchen before going to the bathroom.]
Steve: You guys okay in there?
Triple E [from the kitchen]: Yeah, just a little grease fire! Nothing serious!
Steve: Good enough.
[Steve makes his way to the bathroom as Dane and Mitch square off, sizing each other up.]
Dane: How does it feel Mitch? How does it feel, feeling the damnedist and purest man of hardcore?!
Mitch: Pretty good, I guess.
Dane: Are you frightened? Do you know what you're in store for?
Mitch: Well, I guess we're gonna wrestle some.
Jack [Elbowing Eddie]: Geez, are these guys just gonna talk all night or what?
[Steve pokes his head out from the bathroom]
[Mitch turns to answer at the exact moment that Dane takes a swing. Mitch has time to call "What?" before WHAM! Dane nails him and he goes instantly down! He doesn't move at all, seemingly knocked out. All are shocked, even Dane, who didn't expect to hit Mitch so hard.]
A patron loitering near the bathroom [to Steve]: Damn! That was the worst timing ever! What were you gonna ask him about?
Steve: One of the toilets is plugged, I thought maybe he could fix it. Man, I hope he's okay...
Tony: A toilet? I guess I better get somebody to fix it...[He looks down at Mitch, who's starting to come to.] But if I wait until after the match, Mitch'll fix it for free...
[LBSJ taps Mitch's head with his foot to tag in, and then climbs into the ring.]
Tony [To college kids]: Guys! Help Mitch out, will you?
[The college guys help drag Mitch from the ring and seat him in one of their chairs, then get him a drink and an ice pack.]
Jack: Just rest for a minute, Mitch. You'll be alright.
Mitch [Slurred]: Okay, mailman. I'll just sit here with you.
[The college guys exchange worried looks.]
[Dane, still a little shocked at how easily he dispatched Mitch, shakes his head and decides to tag in Fenriz. Fenriz and LBSB immediately lock up, but neither can seem to gain the advantage.]
Fenriz: Hey! The Star of David and the Pentagram are the same thing, you blue bastard!
LBSJ: No... they're... not!
Fenriz: The only reason you people can't eat pork is because it went bad in the desert sun! It was just to stop you from getting trichinosis!
LSBJ: That's... not... the point!
Fenriz: Yamakas look stupid!
LBSJ: NO... THEY... DON'T!!
[With a sudden burst of power LBSJ knocks Fenriz to the ground, flipping him over and maneuvering him into an Israelite Deathlock!]
Fenriz (struggling, in obvious pain): Oh, god! Ah! The pain!
Mikey: Shouldn't he say "Oh, Satan?"
Zach: Well, Satan *is* his god.
Mikey: Good point.
Eddie: I don't think he's really satanic. More like... really depressed.
Brian: Yeah, and he dresses funny.
Fenriz [Still struggling not to tap]: I... hate you college guys... so much...
Dane (leaning into the ring): Don't tap, Lark! If you tap, I'm going to disembowel you and strangle you with your own entrails!
[Fenriz, sweating profusely, fights his way over to Dane and gets the tag to an ovation of boos.]
[LBSJ releases the hold, and Dane enters the ring.]
Mikey (slapping Mitch on the shoulder): What do you say, soldier? You ready to go yet?
Mitch (still groggy): Yeah, I'm good... Help me up. Blue! [Mitch stumbles to the ring and climbs onto the turnbuckle.] Tag me in!
[LBSJ scrutinizes Mitch with a look of some concern, since Mitch is wobbling on his feet, but then nods and tags him.]
Mitch: Alright, evil doing, I mean evil doer. You got lucky last time. Prepare to meet your-
[BAM!! Dane takes him down again with another single punch. He then grabs Mitch by the collar and tosses him into the heel corner, where Dane stomps a mudhole in him while Fenriz holds him in place by the hair.]
Tony: Hey, Fenriz, let go of the hair!
[Fenriz does, but it doesn't help Mitch any. Dane continues to decimate him, and Mitch offers no resistance.]
[Steve saunters out of the women's bathroom, hoping that no one noticed him emerge. He goes back to his seat.]
Steve: So, what did I miss?
Zach: Well, Mitch hasn't managed to use any offense yet.
Steve: None? Not even an eye poke or something?
[Dane picks up Mitch for a brutal backbreaker, and the crowd OOOHHHH's sympathetically.]
[Shaking his head, LBSJ jumps off the apron and walks over to the college guys.]
LBSJ: I never shoulda tagged him in. We're dead.
Mikey: You wanna drink?
LBSJ: Yes, please.
[Mikey hands LBSJ a mug. Just then Dane hits Mitch with a clothesline that sends Mitch falling near his home corner.]
Zach: Hey Blue! Mitch might be close enough for you to tag in!
[LBSJ sees this and hurries for the ring, still holding the mug of beer. He's climbing onto the apron just as Dane runs across the ring, bouncing off the far ropes, then rushes toward Mitch and leaps forward for a flying headbutt.]
Toasty: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT!?
[Using every ounce of strength he can muster, Mitch pulls himself out of the way just in time for Dane's flying headbutt to miss him, and instead Dane's head connects full force with LBSJ's beer mug. The mug
shatters, sending glass and beer exploding across the room, covering the college guys in a cascade of beer and glass shards. They all raise their arms defensively while the old guys in the back cheer loudly. LBSJ freezes, still kneeling on the apron and holding what's left of the mug's handle. He, Fenriz and Tony all stare in shock at the crumpled body of Dane Black, laying face down next to Mitch, his head bleeding.]
LBSJ: What... the good god... was that? [He shakes off his shock.] Mitch! Tag me in! We've got him!
Mitch: No... I can do it grandma...
[Mitch pulls himself awkwardly to his feet, then pulls up the barely-conscious Dane Black and hooks his head for a DDT.]
Mitch: Watch this... it's gonna be awesome, like the birthday cake you used to make. Rich and delicious...
[Mitch hops onto the second rope and uses the spring to propel him into a super powered DDT! Except he kinda cocks it up and falls awkwardly, smacking his own head with considerable force as he drives Dane's cranium into the mat. Both men appear to be practically dead, but Mitch drapes his arm over Dane and Tony hits the mat for the count.
Fenriz starts to climb into the ring!
Tony calls for the bell as Fenriz starts attacking Mitch's limp body, but when he sees that Mitch isn't reacting he gives up.]
Fenriz: This is ridiculous! That was a beer mug! That's not legal!
Zach: I thought you were hardcore, Fenriz! Suck it up!
[Triple E runs in from the kitchen, face slightly sooty, and grabs the house mike.]
Triple E: The winner of this match, and not tag team champions, since the belts got junked and weren't real belts to begin with, but maybe Mitch can fix them, though I dunno because they looks pretty wrecked,
and they were kinda cheap to begin with...
[All eyes are on Eric, waiting for him to stop rambling.]
Triple E (clearing his throat): MIIITCH AND SUUUUUPERRRRR JEEEWWWW!!!
[Fenriz rolls Mitch from Dane and tries to resuscitate him.]
Fenriz: Come on, wake up, man! I'm gonna go get some smelling salts for Mitch so we can beat the crap out of him! He's gotta pay!
[LBSJ enters the ring and stands with his arms crossed, staring at Fenriz. Fenriz narrows his eyes and helps the now slightly-conscious Dane to his feet, and they reluctantly leave the ring.]
Fenriz: You'll get yours, you short little shit! We won't forget this!
Toasty: Dane will! HE HAS MEMO-RY LOSS! [Clap, clap, clapclapclap!]
All college guys: HE HAS MEMO-RY LOSS! [Clap, clap, clapclapclap!]
[The old guys in the back join in!] HE HAS MEMO-RY LOSS! [Clap, clap, clapclapclap!]
[In the ring, Tony slaps Mitch gently on the face.]
Tony: Mitch... Mitch! Are you okay, son?
Mitch (groggy): I think I'm okay, yeah... Oh, my head...
Tony: There's a problem in the men's bathroom, Mitch. Think you can take a look at it?
Mitch: Can I have free chicken wings?
Tony (smiling): You bet. If you clean you clean up that glass on the floor.
Mitch (leaving the ring): I'm on it.
Sherrick VS. Abordar
Match Written by: Nick Piers
Referee: Cadwell Warner
[Triple E is back in the ring again! And you know what that means!]
EEE: Ladies and gents, it is now time
All Twenty College Guys and Girls: THE MAIN EVENT!!!!
EEE: Right! Um
[Eric stands there with a dumbfounded look on his face. He shuffles his feet and flips through the cue cards in his hand a few times.]
Steve: [Whispers to Terri.] Whats he doing?
Terri: [Whispers.] I think we ruined his introduction. He doesnt know what to do.
[The audience goes completely silent while Eric continues to say "Um. Err."]
Brian: Oh, just go on and say it, Triple E.
EEE: THE MAAAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT!!!!!!
[The crowd opens up to a round of cheers and applause as Eric grins from ear to ear.]
EEE: First! Coming from the kitchen!
["Regla el Mundo" by Los Muchachos de la Batalla starts up as the crowd looks towards the kitchen doors. With a spicy flair, the doors fling open and Abordar, the three hundred pound Luchador, stands defiantly with his hands on his hips! Tonight, hes wearing a fabulously extravagant blue and purple mask with long flowing silver dreadlocks.]
A: Ha llegado a estar claro que Sherrick se está convirtiendo en la fuerza principal del rudo en el Independent Spirit Wrestling!
[The audience blinks, dumbfounded. Finally, one of the four old drunks in the back speaks up.]
Jake: He said "It has become clear that Sherrick is becoming the leading rudo force in Independent Spirit Wrestling".
[The audience nods as Abordar continues. He yells to the crowd with his arms high in the air, but seems to be eyeing the tables for some chicken wings or something.]
A: He creído siempre que un héroe es solamente tan bueno como su bandido, así que anticipo grandemente el machacamiento de Sherrick en una crepe, que yo entonces comeré!
[The audience looks to Jake again.]
Jake: Um. I think he said a hero is only as good as his bandit.
Toasty: That doesnt make any sense! You speaka the English!!!
A: Nada puede pararme, porque soy un hombre hambriento! ¡Hambriento para la victoria, y hambriento para las crepes! ¡Tony, haga que el personal de la cocina me haga algunas crepes! ¡Crepes de la victoria!"
[Abordar climbs up onto the apron and ducks underneath the top rope and into the ring. The crowd still doesnt have a clue what hes saying. Again, they look to Jake.]
Jake: I think he said "Pancakes for victory!"
Tony: [Shouts from behind the bar.] I think he said my name at one point!
A: You men must understand my lack of the English language!!
Toasty: Now THAT we understood!
[Abordar nods to his fellow superhero, the referee Cadwell Warner, who is not wearing his Captain Wonder outfit at the moment.
"Eminence Front" by The Who replaces "Regala el Mundo" as the audience stirs, awaiting the arrival of Sherrick. The music starts soft at first, the crowd unsure of what to do. The opening synthesizer ends and the guitar riff begins as Sherrick steps out of the mens washroom.]
S: So sorry to have skipped out on you folks last week...as if you actually expected me to stick around?
Jake [Drunk #4]: We needed time to sterilize the bar after you left!
[The crowd bursts into laughter but it dies down as Sherrick continues towards the ring. He takes the time to give ISW Owner Jon Rose the finger and continues on his way.]
S: I'm not even completely sure why I still come around here...Canada sucks. I ought to do what a few friends of mine did, the last time they were in Toronto. I'll spare you the details, but I'll just say that theyre not welcome here in Canada anymore.
Toasty: And the men you banged are STILL walking funny!
[Another round of laughter as Sherrick keeps his head high, refusing to let any of it faze him.]
S: But then again, I wouldnt get to torment you folks. Last week, despite that ridiculous alcohol infused fiasco, I still beat the shit out of everyone and won the battle royal.
Eddie: Mans got a point.
Jack: What are you talking about? Youre the Clichéd Villain!
Eddie: Its all a part of my plan. Muahaha!
[Sherrick rolls underneath the bottom rope and props himself up on his knees.]
S: You see...even with the odds stacked against me by Jon Rose; I still come out on top.
Johnny: That including Toronto!?
S: SHUT UP!!
[Sherrick climbs to his feet and leans against the turnbuckle.]
S: There's nothing anybody can do about it, either. Whether any of you admit it or not, I'm the real reason you all are here tonight. Well I promise you this...tonight, you will see things you never thought you would see done in a wrestling ring.
Toasty: Youre gonna finally pull off a win!?
[Sherrick walks to the middle of the ring and looks down at Eric Eric. He suddenly grabs Eric by the hand and squeezes. Triple E drops to one knee in agony as Sherrick continues, now speaking into the microphone in Erics crushed hand. Jon Rose rises from his seat with a worried look on his face but still does nothing. Abordar wants to charge, but Cadwell is holding him back for some reason.]
S: This week, the sacrificial fat ass is Abordar, who seems to think he's a high flier. Well, lets see how high he can fly when I snap his kneecap in half! Lets see how much flying he can do with his head busted wide open!
Crowd: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!
[Abordar is pushed back into his corner by Cadwell. The three hundred pound Luchador fights with every fiber of his being not to get involved. Sherrick continues, though
S: For the benefit of those here tonight who are new, both crowd, and wrestlers, heed my words, as I am the only one who truly knows what he is talking about around here. I am the one true talent in this entire place, and its a shame that Jon Rose and his cronies aren't totally letting you see that!
[Tears are streaming from Erics eyes as Sherrick tightens his grip on the young announcers hand. Abordar climbs up to the second turnbuckle, his fists clenched.]
S: The levels of what I can do are unfathomable to the mere Canadian minds you all possess, and its definitely incomprehensible to all the freaks who parade around here and hope to compete with the likes of me
[Jon Rose, sitting at the timekeepers table, rings the bell to start the match as
Abordar suddenly leaps over Cadwells and nails Sherrick right in the face with a flying forearm! The whole bar erupts as the large Luchador quickly goes for a pin! Cadwell drops to the mat!
Arthur: Take him out, Abordar!
Toasty: Yeah, he hurt Triple E!!!
[Speaking of the devil. Eric, now no longer held hostage, quickly rolls out of the ring, clipboard and microphone in hand. He dashes like an ant over to behind the bar where Castillo and Norv are serving drinks to the larger crowd in attendance.
Sherrick fights his way off of Abordar and rolls out of the ring to shake the cobwebs
S: You see?!! YOU SEE?!!?! Rose has to regale himself with dirty tactics like a blind attack from a fat man and a dangling Jew to
[A plastic cup filled with beer suddenly hits him directly in the face! Brody, one of the members of Caution: Wet Floor stands defiantly in Sherricks face!]
Brody: Im Jewish, you son of a bitch!
S: Aw for Gods sake!
[Sherrick grabs Brody by the shirt, but Sherrick is suddenly grabbed by the hair from behind!]
Zach: Abordar is about to accost someone!!
[Indeed! Abordar grabs Sherrick by the hair and whips him back into the ring! Abordar leaps up onto the apron, and then leaps onto the top rope to fly off and
[Sherrick dodges out of the way of a flying bodypress from the top rope. Abordar crashes into the mat with a hard thud and shaking many of the rings chains. Sherrick immediately takes advantage of it and slaps a camel clutch on the masked man! Cadwell puts himself face to mask with Abordar.]
CW: Abordar, do you quit?
A: No, senor!
[Sherrick takes one arm away to slap Cadwell in the face! He locks the camel clutch back in place.]
S: No one cares what you have to say, fatso! Stop looking out for your fellow swine!
[As Sherrick pulls back further on Abordars chin, Jon Rose suddenly gets on the microphone from the timekeepers table!]
JR: Sherrick! Youre not to put a hand on the ref during a match!
S: BITE ME, ROSE!!!
[Sherrick stands straight up, breaking the camel clutch and slaps Cadwell in the back of the head!]
S: Huh!?! You like that, you goddamn freak!?!
CW: Im warning you, Sherrick! Ill disqualify you!
Eddie: DO IT! DQ THAT BASTARD!!
[Abordar suddenly rolls onto his back, kicks his legs up underneath Sherricks arms and rolls him down into a sunset flip pinning position! Cadwell drops down!
Sherrick bolts to his feet and kicks Abordar in the face/mask as hard as he can. Abordar flops back down to the mat.]
S: Dont do that again, jackass!
[The crowd is booing incessantly and shouting words that should just not be written. Sherrick gets directly in Warners face.]
S: And what the FUCK was up with that fast count, freak!?
CW: You cant touch me DURING a match
Crowd: LETS GO WARNER, FUCK EM UP! *Clap-Clap!*
[Abordar does a front roll to his feet! He uses the momentum, bounces off the ropes in front of him, races completely past Sherrick and Warner, off the opposite ropes and comes back with a flying lariat to Sherrick!]
Mikey: Hes just protecting his fellow superhero!
[Sherrick is taken completely off his feet, not expecting the masked man to move as fast as he did. Abordar rushes to his feet, bounces off the ropes again and nails the prone Sherrick with a senton splash! The larger Luchador remains on his back and hooks Sherricks leg for the pin!
[Abordar picks Sherrick up by the hair, then grabs Sherricks arm and whips him into the turnbuckle with so much force that Abordar falls onto his stomach! The ring shakes violently and the chains rattle. Sherrick hits the turnbuckle so hard that his legs kick up in the air, but he manages to land back on his feet.]
Zach: Do it again, Abordar!
Eric: [From behind the bar.] Get him one for me!
[Abordar adjusts his mask and flips the silver dreadlocks back as he stalks over to Sherrick. He pulls his arm back and comes back with a
CHOP! To Sherricks bare chest! The slapping sound resonates throughout the entire bar.]
[Abordar climbs up to the second rope, facing Sherrick. He looks to the crowd with a closed fist. The whole bar erupts in applause and clinks their glasses together. Abordar begins punching Sherrick in the head, allowing the crowd to count along with him
Crowd: ¡Uno! ¡Dos! ¡Tres! ¡Cuatro! ¡Cinco! ¡Seises! ¡Siete! ¡Ocho! ¡Nueve! ¡Diez!
A: [Confused.] What the hell!?
Toasty: Weve all been practicing, dude! We knew this moment would come!
A: I LIKE IT, SENOR!!!!
[Abordar is distracted for just too long as Sherrick wraps his arms around the massive underbody of the masked one. Sherrick, with the three hundred pound man in his arm, takes a few steps out of the turnbuckle...and then falls backwards!]
[Abordars face connects with the top turnbuckle from the hotshot. His head snaps back and he bounces back, falling flat on his back about a foot away from Sherrick.]
Crowd: HO-LEE SHIT! HO-LEE SHIT!
[Sherrick crawls forward and hooks Abordars leg for a pin attempt! Cadwell reluctantly drops down...
The whole Castillos crowd goes nuts! Jon Rose is back on his feet and now applauding Abordar!]
Zach: Thats how you defend your fellow hero!
Mikey: AND Little Blue Super Jew!
Brian: AND Triple E!
[Sherrick slaps his hands down on the mat in frustration. He runs his hands through his hair as he climbs to his feet. He looks out to the crowd.]
S: WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO PROVE TO YOU PEOPLE THAT IM THE BEST?!
Arthur: Stop acting like a goddamn ass!
S: Yeah!? Not gonna happen you fuc...KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
[Sherrick barrels forward as Abordars forearm raises up between Sherricks legs! Sherrick stumbles forward slightly, but remains on his feet.]
Jake: ¡Soplo bajo!
[The crowd looks at Jake in confusion for a moment.]
Jake: LOW BLOW!!!
[Abordar bounces off the opposite ropes and comes back with a dropkick to the back of Sherrick. Sherrick flails forward and collapses on top of the middle rope. Abordar climbs back to his feet a little slower than before. He stops, leaning forward and placing his hands on his knees to catch his breath.]
Zach: Come on, man! Hes right there!
Mikey: NAIL THAT BASTARD!!!
[Abordar rushes forward with a sudden burst of adrenalin. He ducks under the top rope, but hooks his arms, which uses his momentum to swing his around and naisl Sherrick directly in the face!]
Mikey: A NINE-OH-TWO!!!!!
Mikey: Hey, theres a Six-One-Nine, but were in Nova Scotias area code...sooo....
ZACH: A NINE-OH-TWO!!!!!
[Sherrick reeels backwards, lands on his back and does a complete flip on his head for added effort! Abordar, getting exhausted from the match, hangs over the top rope with both arms hanging into the ring.]
Brian: Get him, Abordar! Accost him!
Toasty: KILL SHER-RICK! KILL SHER-RICK!
[The crowd quicly rallies behind the chant.]
Whole FN Crowd: KILL SHER-RICK! KILL SHER-RICK!
A: Just...*huff* give me a minute...
S: TOO LATE, FREAK JOB!
[Sherrick is back on his feet and actually runs up the three turnbuckles to the right of Abordar. Sherrick leaps to his left and delivers a devastating leg drop across back of the neck of the prone Abordar!!!!
Abordar flips forward over the top rope from the attack and lands flat on his back in the middle of the ring!]
Crowd: HO-LEE SHIT! HO-LEE SHIT!
S: Damn right, WHO SUCKS NOW!!?
Crowd: YOU DO!!!
S: God DAMNIT! I hate you all...so much.
[Sherrick dashes over to Abordar for the pin!
KICK OUT!!! The whole crowd goes nuts again!!]
S: Jesus CHRIST, what the hell does it take to put you down!?
[Sherrick begins frothing at the mouth in utter frustration. He rolls out of the ring and shoves Eddie out of his chair!]
S: I need this...
[Sherrick folds the metal chair and slides back under the bottom rope. He steps over to Abordar with one leg on either side of Abordars massive body structure. Sherrick raises the steel chair high in the air with every intention of bringing it down on the large Luchadors skull....
BUT CADWELL WHIPS THE CHAIR OUT OF SHERRICKS HANDS!]
Crowd: LETS GO WONDER! FUCK EM UP! *Clap-clap!*
CW: The villainy will stop!
S: Like hell!
[Sherrick suddenly leaps to his feet and cracks Cadwell in the back of the head with an enziguri kick! Cadwell stands there for a moment, dumbfounded. Sherrick takes the moment to take the stolen steel chair back.]
Crowd: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!
[Cadwell falls forward, his five hundred pound body crashing on top of Abordars, crushing the masked man.
JR: [On the microphone outside the ring.] Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match...as a result of a disqualification....!
[Sherrick, frothing like a foamy Castillos beer, completely loses it. Despite the unused chair in hand, he stomps away at both Cadwell and Abordar! Teeth bared like an animal, Sherrick stomps relentlessly at the two of them, taking turns from one and the other.]
[Sherrick actually stops his attack and looks at the ISW Owner. The whole crowd dies down, waiting for Roses next words.]
JR: If you touch either one of those men one more time?
S: YEAH??! What are ya gonna do?!
JR: ...you will be BANNED...
S: From Castillos?! Big goddamn whoop. The beer sucks, anyway...
JR: No no. You will be banned from INDEPENDENT SPIRIT WRESTLING!
[The crowd in Castillos goes completely nuts!]
Crowd: JON-ROSE! JON-ROSE!
[Sherrick stands there for a moment with a blank, unemotional look on his face. Cadwell begins to stir and get back up to his feet.]
CW: I told you that justice would be ser....
Sherrick lays Cadwell out with a massive chair shot to the head! The chair is left with a dent literally the size of Warners skull!]
JR: Thats it, Sherrick! I warned you!
Crowd: YOURE FIRED!!!!
[The crowd begins applauding, cheering, hooting and hollaring as loudly as they can.]
S: Ah, but thats the kicker, Rose!
[The crowd dies down. Sherrick starts to climb out of the ring and down the aisle towards the front exit.]
S: I didnt touch him!
[Sherrick tosses the bent metal chair in front of him and backs further away.]
S: The chair did.
The Whole FN Crowd: ASS-HOLE!!!!! ASS-HOLE!!
[Sherrick gets the hell out of dodges as its now Jon Roses turn to froth at the mouth.
End of Show.]
©2004 BOB Wrestling. If not completely confused, spin around three times and click your knuckles together.