BOB Presents: As A Result Of Burnout, Vol. 5!

This isn't our show....Well, it is NOW!

[A graphic appears on the screen. It looks exactly like those two sentences up there. Confused? You're supposed to be. After all, you're drunk. And this is just a very bad dream. Plus, it beats a Best Of show. Too much editing and research for that. So, BOB proudly presents a federation that could just as easily be BOB's second cousin three times removed. Independent Spirit Wrestling. Enjoy.]

[The band of the night, Caution: Wet Floor, belts out their new number one hit, "Ring Rust", in the middle of the ring in Castillo’s Bar & Grill. The crowd in attendance, a whopping three hundred plus, swing their heads up and down just like any other punk band appreciative.]

Toasty: Man! Who would’ve thought the band would be coming before the wrestling?

Zach: It’s WRESTLING, man! That’s why!

Mikey: Yeah!

[Finally, "Ring Rust" comes to and end. The three members of Caution: We Floor take a bow together to their audience. Brody and Simon begin taking down the equipment with the help of some of Castillo’s customers. Terri stays on the mic, though.]

Terri: Ladies and gents!

Steve: WOO! Go Ter-Bear!

[Terri giggles, but manages to keep her composure. Brody hands her a handkerchief, which she uses to wipe her slightly sweaty brow.]

T: Thank you, all of you! And now, the thing you came for…WRESTLING!

[The entire bar erupts in the largest cheers the place has heard since Free Wings Night.]

T: And the man responsible for that? None other than…JON ROSE!

[Another eruption of cheers as the former two hundred percent man gets up from the time keepers table and into the ring. He and Terri shake hands as she helps her band members with putting away the rest of the equipment.]

JR: Thanks Terri, great tune!

Steve: She rules!

Johnny: Man, sit down before you hurt yourself.

Mikey: What is that, your catch phrase?

Johnny: Maybe.

JR: Folks, we’re not wasting any time at all tonight with getting right to the action. We’ve got three great tournament matches plus two exhibition matches!

EEE: Wait for me!

[Yes friends, Eric "The Eric" Eric, grinning from ear to ear, rushes from the kitchen, throwing an argyle sweater over his head in mid-dash. He dives under the bottom rope and pops to his feet and swipes the microphone away from his boss.]

EEE: I’ll take it from here, boss!

[Rose shrugs, pats his ring announcer on the back and climbs out of the ring.]

Toasty: ER-IC! ER-IC!

The Whole F’N Crowd: ER-IC! ER-IC!

EEE: Right! Let’s get this show started, shall we!?

Crowd: YEAH!!!!

[Mitch Brzezinski comes out to the ring area, where a rather annoyed Bruno is standing there.]

Bruno: You're going to keep that Japanese whatever-he-is away from my kid, right?

Mitch: Don't worry; he'll be completely deficient in Pac-Man Fever when I get done with him. But first, I have to take care of Captain Wonder. And I feel bad about this one. Captain Wonder is a superhero, a defender of Justice, Truth, and the Civilized Canadian Way of Life. I certainly can't match his technical ability or his superpowers...

[Bruno looks at him funny.]

Mitch: Hey, his comic book is full of examples of his might now that me and Mindy drew it for him and sent it off to Todd Macfarlane for publishing. Soon, the whole world will know the greatness of Captain Wonder! Especially since I can't beat him.

[Mindy walks up to Mitch carrying what appears to be a "Daddy's Little Princess" T-shirt, a "Who Farted?" hat and a tennis ball on a stick.]

Mindy: I talked to the Mounties. They're cool with it.

Mitch: What?

[Mitch notices the gear he wore as Scott Bell in Mindy's hands.]

Mitch: Ohhh. But are you cool with it? Because, I will get a little wild and crazy, you know. It might be best that you leave.

Mindy: Oh, that's okay; I have to pull funeral duty tonight anyway. Mind you, the guy's bald as an eight-ball, but he still needs his scalp done.

[Mindy leaves the bar and Mitch heads to the bathroom with his gear, only to emerge as Scott Bell.]

Scott: Nema! I, the true right-hand man of Satan, shall vanquish that doer of good, Captain Wonderbra. I shall make his man-boobs even saggier in defeat! Hey, you?

[Mitch, er, Scott points at Brian.]

Brian: Eh?

Scott: You told me Captain Wonder's secret weakness was tennis-ball fuzz, right?

Brian: Uh, no, it's Atkins diet bars, Scott.

Scott: I knew you would talk, because you're a tard. And Petty Seaman Wonder is the High Pubah of the rich-pervo-lard-tards, and he is going down, and the toilets stay broken tonight!

Tournament Round Two
Captain Wonder VS "Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski
Referee: Tony Castillo
Written by: Keith McNally

[As Scott Bell walks to the ring, pumping his tennis ball stick in the air, Bruno watches him with a shocked expression.]

Bruno: That...that's Mitch? What happened?

Riley: Sure, that's how he was the first time they had this damn wrestling here. Remember?

Bruno: Of course I don't remember! I was drunk! Oh lord... I can't believe I let that man baptize my niece...

[The other guys stare at Bruno is disbelief.]

Arthur: You let him what!?

Bruno: Well, the priest got called away by an emergency, and Mitch had his own robes...

[Riley shakes his head sadly.]

Arthur: You know, your niece is gonna grow up to be a wrestler now.

Riley: A religious wrestler. Like Jake the Snake.

Bruno: He wasn't a religious wrestler. He was a snake wrestler.

Arthur: Yeah, I saw that. 1985, Alabama, he wrestled a giant anaconda to a twenty minute draw. Best match I ever saw.

Riley: I saw a baboon wrestle a snake once. That was the best match I ever saw.

Bruno: You ever been to a monkey knife fight? Now those are some good times! These kids today, they don't know what a real fight's like. What with their Ultiman Warrior and Hulk Holgan...

[Bruno trails off as he and the other old guys notice an eerie calm in the bar. They look around and see that all eyes are glued to the ring, the entire crowd watching Captain Wonder's entrance.

Wonder climbs onto the apron, his jiggling body almost hypnotic; his fat rippling in such a way that he appears to be moving almost in slow motion. He enters the ring, and there is a low but audible collective gasp at the way his flab slides almost gracefully between the ropes.

Bell stands in the ring, eyes locked on Wonder, gnawing at his tennis ball on a stick.]

Wonder: Citizen Brzezinski! What has happened to you? Do you no longer serve the sweet lady of liberty?

Bell: Nope.

Wonder: Pray tell me, what vile fiend has gotten to you, to convert you onto so tragic a path on the road of your righteous life?

Bell: I'm gonna beat you up.

Wonder: Hm.

[Wonder springs suddenly into action, running toward Bell.]

Wonder: I knew your countenance of helpfulness was a mere charade, you cad!

[Wonder catches Bell with a clothesline, but his excessive arm flab does not cushion the blow. It instead flings forward to slap Bell with an extra stinging crack before knocking him to the ground. The crowd erupts into a clatter of cheers.]

Steve: Dammit, I don't get it. Mitch is a good guy! Why is he carrying around that tennis ball on a stick?

Zach: It's wrestling, man. Gotta have a heel and face.

Steve: Heel in face? What, like kicking a guy on the mouth?

Zach: Nah, man; a good guy and a bad guy. Wonder's the good guy, so Mitch reverted to being the villain.

Mikey: Makes it more dramatic. Nobody wants to see two good guys fighting.

Jack: Still man, this is so wrong. How can people turn on Mitch so easily? [He shakes his head sadly.] They're like sheep...

[In the ring, Captain Wonder has Bell in a half Boston crab, and Bell seems completely unable to fight against the fact that Wonder knows some legitimate wrestling holds.

At the table next to the college guys a dapper professor clears his throat. The college guys look over as the Prof. taps his pipe.]

Prof: I couldn't help but overhear, gentlemen, your disdain at the ease with which the crowd has turned their back on Mitchell Brzezinski...

Jack (whispering to Zach): He talks kinda like Captain Wonder.

Prof: If I may, I would like to submit that the man we see in the ring is not Mitch Brzezinski.

[In the ring Bell has managed to squirm out of Wonder's grasp. He stands shakily and puts up his dukes.]

Bell: I'll boil you in the used deep-fryer grease of the darkest kitchen of the hellfire pit, you fatty fat fatty!

Steve (to Prof): What are you talking about, gramps? That's clearly Mitch. He's just dressed like a weirdo.

Prof: No, no! See, I believe that when Mr. Brzezinski takes on the persona of Scott Bell, he actually *becomes* Scott Bell. There is no Brzezinski remaining! What we are seeing is a different man!

Steve: Pft. What are you even doing here, old man? What's a fancy-pants like you doing watching wrestling?

Prof: I heard about this federation on the Mike Bullard show.

Jack: Ha ha, that was great. Bullard got his ass kicked.

Prof: Since then, I've watched all the tapes. I find these events to be quite inspirational.

Zach: Tapes? There are tapes?

Prof: Certainly. There is a fellow over on the other side of the ring that brings a camcorder.

Zach (peering across the ring): Huh. Look at that.

Prof: I must say, attending a live event is far superior to viewing shaky bootlegs.

Mikey: Damn straight! I-S-DUB! I-S-DUB!

College kids: I-S-DUB! I-S-DUB!

[Wonder has maneuvered Bell into an armbar, but waves to the crowd at the sound of the chant. Bell uses the opportunity to punch Wonder, his hand sinking into Wonder's chest flab. It's enough to get Wonder to release the hold, and Bell stumbles to the ropes, breathing heavily.]

Prof: Watching a display of manly combat, it fills me with feelings of... manliness! Ah, I want to write a poem!

Steve (scoffing): Please. It's all fake, you know.

[The other college guys turn toward Steve.]

College guys: WRESTLING IS NOT FAKE!!!

Wonder (turning toward the college guys): Thank you for your support, citizens!

Steve (raising his hands): Okay, okay, wrestling's not fake. Geez. Don't get all David Arquette on me.

Mikey: He was WCW champ once, you know.

Steve (laughing): Yeah, sure. And Jay Leno was a tag champ, right?

Mikey: Yeah.

Steve: Heh! You guys crack me up.

[Mikey and Zach exchange glances, but don't reply.

In the ring, Bell charges toward Wonder. Wonder takes a swing, which Bell ducks, but a roll of flab travels up Wonder's arm and slaps Bell in the side of the head.

Bell stops to hold a hand against his cheek, losing his momentum.]

Bell: Ow! That stings! Quite doing that! You shouldn't be able to attack me with errant flab!

Wonder: My super powers are versatile and unexpected! For instance... this!

[Wonder moves forward and drops for a leg sweep, but is unable to stop his own momentum. He loses his balance and rolls into Bell, easily covering and crushing the smaller man with his immense weight.

Tony drops for the count, but can't tell if Bell's shoulders are pinned, since Bell's head and shoulders are completely obscured by Wonder's gigantic body. After a few moments of neither man moving, he decides to start the count.

1!

2!

Just as Tony's hand is coming down for the three, Wonder's flab is pushed up as Bell uses all his strength to push him away. Slowly Bell manages to roll Wonder off of him, then sits, gasping for breath as Wonder slowly gets to his feet.]

Bell (muttering to himself): I can't beat this guy, it's ridiculous. He's too fat. He's not good. He's huge, he's slothful, and sloth is a sin...Captain Wonder is a sinner. That's why Scott Bell can' beat him, it's evil vs. evil...I need good...Must do something good...

[Bell rolls from the ring, throwing his tennis ball stick to the ground.]

Bell (pointing at Captain Wonder): You are sick! Sick! You think you're good? You're not! You're not fun, you're fat! Very, very fat!

Wonder: I swell with the sweet milk of justice!

Bell: Bah! You say crazier crap that I do! There's only one way to beat you! (He looks around the bar) Who needs help? Any kind of help, anything at all! Somebody!

[The guy with the camcorder on the far side of the ring raises a hand.]

Camcorder Guy: I could use another beer.

Bell: There! Beer! That'll do!

[Bell runs to the bar and orders a beer. He counts out his change to pay for it, and then leaves a generous tip. He then runs the beer to the camcorder guy, being careful not to spill any.]

Camcorder Guy (accepting the beer): Hey, thanks!

Bell: No problem! That's what I do! I help people! Because I am...MITCH BRZEZINSKI!

Mindy: Oh, Mitch! I knew you'd come back! This is the real you, not that horrible Scott Bell!

[At that moment a guy dressed as a Mountie walks through the front door of the bar.]

Mountie: Is there a Scott Bell here? I have a warrant for his arrest!

[Mindy runs over to the Mountie.]

Mindy: It's okay, Gary. Mitch came out of it on his own.

[The college guys give Mindy some weird looks, so she turns to address them.]

Mindy: I just brought him in as backup, you know, in case Mitch couldn't snap out of Scott Bell mode after the match was over.

Steve (grinning): So he's still scared of those Mounties, huh?

Zach: There was a Mountie wrestler, you know.

Steve: Okay Zach, I've had enough of you pulling my leg. There was no Mountie wrestler, there was no hockey player wrestler, and there was no repo-man wrestler! How gullible do you think I am? Stop lying to me!

[Zach tries to keep a straight face.]

Mikey: Hey, check it out. That professor guy is writing something on a napkin.

[They look over to see the Prof switching between looking at the ring and scribbling something on one of his napkins.

Mitch climbs back into the ring, possessing a new confidence.]

Mitch: You're done now, Wonder! I figured it out! Only my power of helpfulness can stop your power of sloth!

Wonder: Citizen, you are mistaken. I am big boned.

Mitch: You're boned, all right! And you're about to get Mitch-slapped!

[Mitch charges at Wonder, who uses all his strength to shift out of the way.]

Mikey: Lotta charging in this match.

Zach: Mm.

[Mitch leaps feet first toward the ropes. The middle rope catches him and springs him back, and he aims himself at Wonder for a rope-powered flying headbutt! Wonder is too winded to move again, and Mitch's head connects directly with his belly, the velocity of the blow being so great that Mitch torpedoes deep into Wonder's flab. Mitch's entire head and most of his shoulders disappear into Wonder's ample belly.

Wonder's eyes go wide as Mitch is ejected back out onto the mat, and Wonder stumbles backward before falling down in the corner, his back against the post.]

Jack: Holy crap! Just like King Hippo!

[Mitch attempts to pull Wonder forward so he can pin him, but it doesn't work. The Captain is intractable.

Mitch looks around, and then scurries from the ring to grab his tennis ball on a stick. He then climbs to the top turnbuckle opposite Wonder and raises the stick in the air.]

Zach: Now what is this? The Scott Bellinator?

Mikey: Maybe the Escalator to Heaven?

[Mitch leaps across the ring, holding the tennis ball against the top of his head. The ball collides with the head of Captain Wonder and the crowd goes wild!]

Mikey: Combo move!

Zach: The Mitch Brzezinskinator!

Mikey: The Fun Slide to Hades!

[The force of the blow causes Wonder to shake his head groggily, and then fall forward. Mitch painstakingly rolls him over and covers him for the pin, and Tony starts the count!

1!

2!

3!!!!

The crowd goes even wilder, and many high-fives and beer-glass-clinks are exchanged!]

Jack: First they hate Mitch, and now they love Mitch. Sheep, man... All sheep...

Prof: Oh goodness, this is so exciting! I feel I must verbalize this poem I was inspired to write during the match! (He stands and clears his throat.)

Oh Mr. Bell
You are sheer hell
But Mr. Mitch
Is quite the switch
And when you fly
Into the sky-

Steve: Okay, that's enough of that. (Steve grabs the napkin tears it in three pieces, throwing it across the room.) We'll let you sit next to us, but no poetry! Understand?

Prof (eyes down turned): Yes sir.

Steve: This is a wrestling show, not some fruity English class!

Zach (to Mikey): I think I understand why Steve's grades are so bad...

[Steve continues to give Prof the evil eye as Mitch helps Tony roll the semi-conscious Captain Wonder from the ring.]

Triple E: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Match and moving on to the semi-finals... Scott Brzezinski! I mean, Mitch Bell! I mean... that guy!

[Triple E points to Mitch, who raises a hand to the crowd triumphantly.]

Riley: Well, that was no snake wrestling a baboon, but it was still pretty good! Little skinny guy wrestling a big fat lardo -- kinda reminded me of Arthur and his wife.

Arthur: Hey, shut up!

Riley: You don't tell me to shut up, you whipper snapper! Respect your elders!

Arthur: You're only one year older than me!

Riley: And I spent that year watching baboons wrestle, which you didn't. So don't test me.

Arthur (shrugging): Fair enough.

[Mindy and Mitch walk together away from the ring.]

Mitch: So what do you wanna do after the show? Maybe watch some tennis?

[Mindy raises an eyebrow and gives him a suspicious look.]

Exhibition Handicap Match
Brother Superior VS Thorin Stonehand and MASH
Referee: Tony Castillo
Written by: Nick Piers

[Eric Eric climbs back into the ring for the ring introductions, as usual! The crowd cheers accordingly because who wouldn’t love that little guy?]

Crowd: ER-IC! ER-IC!

EEE: Ladies and gentlemen! I’ve been informed by Owner Jon Rose has listened to Brother Superior’s demand for a match this week!

Toasty: He’s finally getting that sex change operation?

EEE: Um…*snicker* no. He’s given Superior and HANDICAP match!

Zach: Whoa!

Mikey: Cool!

EEE: So without further…um…a dew?

Jake: Adieu.

EEE: Right…here are your competitors. First, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Weighing in at one hundred and ninety five pounds! THORIN STONEHAND!

[The curtains part as "Amazing Grace" on Scottish bagpipes begins to play and Thorin Stonehand stalks down the aisle, looking disgruntled. He is muttering to himself in what almost appears to be a drunken stupor while a few of the members of the crowd openly point and laugh at the short, bearded man.]

TS: Bah! Ah nae be tappin'! Da't lad be cheatin'. Usin' dem tactics... nae!

Brian: Um.

Steve: What?

[The whole bar looks over at Jake.]

Jake: Don’t look at me. I’m pretty sure it’s English…maybe.

[The color in Thorin's face rises as he becomes louder and louder.]

TS: Da't be a load o' horse crap! Ah'm Thorin Stonehand! BAH!

[He finally slides into the ring and begins pounding his chest savagely while "the Theme from MASH" by Manic Street Preachers starts up. Ducking under the frame of the men’s bathroom stalks out the seven foot tall cross dresser.]

EEE: Next, from the Four Oh Seven-Seven in Korea, M*A*S*H!!!

Jack: How’d you do that?

EEE: Do what?

Jack: Speak in stars?

EEE: Um. It’s a gift?

[MASH has dressed himself in a tartan sash over his largely…and a knee-high kilt…]

Brian: Not again! [He falls out of his chair and immediately passes out.]

Johnny: Shave your legs!

Toasty: Hm. SHAVE YOUR LEGS!

The Whole F’N Crowd: SHAVE YOUR LEGS! SHAVE YOUR LEGS!

[MASH does a little curtsey in his kilt and military boots. He climbs up to the apron and hoists a leg over the top rope…]

Crowd: EWWWW!

[The other leg goes over and MASH stands beside his dwarven tag partner.]

Jack: PLEASE tell me I didn’t see what I think I saw.

Toasty: Well, he might be an actual Scotsman.

Brian: …

[Thorin and MASH size each other up and seem to be comparing tailors.]

Thorin: Ye’d make a fine dwarf, ladie, but ya’ain’t hairy enough.

MASH: The hell I’m not! I’m Lebanese!

Toasty: Looks hairy enough to be a man to me.

[Steve whispers in Toasty’s ear, telling him MASH said Lebanese, not what he thought.]

Toasty: Heh, whoops. My bad.

EEE: And finally! From Winnipeg, Manitoba! Weighing in at two hundred and thirty two pounds…BROTHER SUPERIOR!

["You're the Best Around" by Peter Cetera plays and Brother Superior enters... wearing nothing other than his usual wrestling shorts. The crowd may be in awe or at least having a moment of awkward silence.)

BS: Ladies, gentlemen, people of the press. Many of you expect me to come out wearing some crazy hindrance. But tonight my handicap is not a fat suit, rollerskates nor a speech impediment. For the first time, with the permission of the higher ups, is to leave the level of handicap in the hands of a
transvestite

MASH: …cross dresser, thank you! I’m still a man!

Toasty: You are?

BS: …and a midget.

TS: HEY!

BS: You see…anything they do to me in the ring for the duration of the match is completely fair. They may both attack me once this bell ring. They needn't have even to wait till the end of this monologue.

[Both MASH and Thorin take a few steps forward, but stop because…

BS: …This one. The one I'm saying right now. This...OK, they haven't attacked yet, but they both had the misfortune of not leaving the fed with dignity, so I'm going to make sure they work hard so that they have a chance to prove themselves. So I decided to give them the greatest hurtle to prove themselves... ME!

[Superior launches himself in top gear at both MASH and Thorin! With a cross body block at full speed, the Superior One is unable to topple both monsters at once. In fact…they caught him.]

Steve: Oh crap.

[MASH and Thorin look at each other with a grin on their faces. They hoist Superior up as high as the lopsided (in size) team can and SLAM him down hard with a joint powerslam! Thorin gets up to his feet and starts moving towards the corner. MASH, in the meantime, goes for the pin!

1!!

Kick out!!]

TS: Ya daft git! Hook da leg!

MASH: Back off, tiny!

[Thorin fumes, but remains steady while he sits on the top turnbuckle, his feet resting on the second rope. MASH picks up Superior by the hair and holds him up as such beside him.]

MASH: One missile dropkick coming up!

Zach: Oh, nice way of calling your moves, jackass!

Mikey: Just ‘cause you’re from the army doesn’t mean you have to be so green!

[Stonehand leaps off the second rope and leans back for a dropkick off the second rope…

Suddenly, Superior grabs onto MASH’s arm and drops to his knees! The seven footer lurches forward and is met in the face by a dropkick, courtesy of the Dwarven One! MASH tumbles backwards and lands harshly on his back. Stonehand lands on his back, but before he can get back to his feet, Brother Superior grabs hold of the legs and leans forward for a pin attempt!]

1!!

Kick out!]

TS: Ah told ya, ladie! We shoulda done that later!

MASH: Ugh. What the hell did you put in your boots?

[Stonehand crawls to his feet; Superior does a kippup to his feet, as well! He’s caught completely off guard, though, as Thorin takes him right back down with a spear!]

Zach: GORE! GORE!

Toasty: But he’s a dwarf.

Mikey: [Sounds like he’s choking, or trying an accent.] Ach! Gore, ya skeeving bastard!

[Superior must’ve been ready for it, though, as he locks Thorin into a front face lock. At the same time, he locks his legs around Thorin’s thick waist!]

Mikey: Man, I had no idea Superior was so…

Zach: Superior?

Mikey: Technical!

[MASH slowly gets back to his feet, still trying to shake the cobwebs. Meanwhile, Thorin Stonehand is trying to break free of the hold he’s been locked into. Tony Castillo drops onto his stomach and checks to make sure Stonehand hasn’t submitted…]

TS: Ach! Piss off, ya Greased Zebra! Ah’ll have ye for breakfast!

TC: No need to cuss…

TS: BAH! Piss off!

[Thorin climbs onto his knees, trying to pick Superior up by sheer force alone. Superior unlocks his legs around Thorin’s waist and goes into a standing front face lock.

There’s a suddenly sound of charging from behind Superior, though! MASH surges forward, lifting a boot high in the air…]

Brian: (Wakes up long enough to see under the kilt…) Oh god…NO! (Faints.)

[Superior dives to the side, dodging the boot. Thorin, though, is still keeled over from the front face lock position. MASH ends up stepping clear over Thorin. The seven foot cross dresser bounces chest first onto the top rope, though. He bounces back and crashes back-to-back with Stonehand! The dwarf lunges forward and bounces off the opposite ropes…]

TS: Ach! Ah’m ne’er gonna get th’image outta ma mind o’ yer birds nest!

MASH: A Lebanese NEVER shaves!

TS: Ye dis-goost me!

[Superior bounces off the ropes to the left of both MASH and Thorin. With MASH remaining stationary, again trying to shake the cobwebs, Superior and Thorin both run back towards the cross dressing one. Superior leaps high in the air and…

Delivers a massive double flying clothesline to both men! MASH flails back and tumbles right over the top rope to the outside! Thorin drops like a pile o’ bricks onto the mat! Superior with the cover!!

1!!!

2!!!

KICK OUT!]

TS: BAH!

Toasty: BAH!

TS: (Rolls over and faces Toasty.) Shut up, ya knave bastich!

[Superior suddenly drops a quick elbow on Stonehand and goes for the pin again!

1!!

Kick out!!]

TS: BAH! Get offa me!

[Stonehand manages to kick out so violently that he sends Superior right over the middle rope, to the outside…and into the arms of MASH!]

Toasty: Bah-bah! Black-Sheep! *Clap, clap! Clap-clap-clap-clap!*

The Whole F’N Crowd: BAH-BAH! BLACK-SHEEP! *Clap, clap! Clap-clap-clap-clap!*

TS: (Breaks character for a microsecond.) SHUT UP!!

[MASH holds Superior up in a powerslam-like cradle…and makes a run towards the ring post!]

MASH: Take this, you egotistical piece of…

[CLANG! Superior came to life at the last second and broke free of MASH’s hold. Unfortunately, it was too late for the cross dresser as he runs himself head first into the ring post! MASH stands there for a moment in a daze, and then salutes to absolutely nobody before crashing back first onto the wood planks that make up the floor of the bar.

Superior rolls back into the ring, only to be met with a boot to the gut by Thorin Stonehand! The dwarf scoops Superior up and whips him hard into the turnbuckle, rattling the loose chains. Thorin charges into the corner, delivering a massive knee to Superior’s softened gut!]

TS: Ye nae gonna turn me into an example!

Crowd: (With Toasty’s help.) Bah-Bah, Black-sheep! *Clap, clap! Clap-clap-clap!*

TS: SHUT UP!

[Distracted, Thorin turns away from Brother Superior too long…as he gets a boot to his dwarven gut in return…]

TS: ACH!

[Superior scoops Stonehand up for what looks to be a bodyslam, but them hangs him completely upside down into a tombstone piledriver position! He brings the dwarf’s head down hard into the mat with a thud and a rattle!

But doesn’t stop there! Still holding onto the dwarf in the same position, he climbs to one knee, then back onto his feet…and delivers another one!]

Toasty: Geez!

Zach: Yer gonna kill ‘em!

[Superior won’t listen, though! He climbs to his feet again and….THUD! RATTLE! Another tombstone piledriver! Finally, he releases the unconscious dwarf and goes for the pin. In fact, he lays across Thorin’s chest in a nonchalant way, spreading his arms and looking high up into the lights!

1!!!

2!!!

3!!!

*Ding, ding, ding!*

EEE: Your winner and still bearer of the silver medal in ISW Bastard Award….BROTHER SUPERIOR!!!

["You’re the Best" starts up again as Brother Superior, who has remained silent for the entire match, remains so as he climbs out of the ring. Unable to wipe the cocky grin off of his face, the Superior One struts around the ring, giving the still unconscious MASH a light tap with his boot for good measure. He nods to Jon Rose with an equally cocky grin and a half assed salute as he disappears into the men’s bathroom.]

Tournament Round Two
Abordar VS Little Blue Super Jew

Referee: Tony Castillo
Written by: Nick Piers

[Among the many college guys and girls, there are two constants you can always guarantee comments from.]

Mikey: Okay, so what’s next?

Zach: Lemme check.

[Zach pulls out a computer print out of the card’s announcement. Mikey reads over Zach’s shoulder to be sure his buddy doesn’t make a mistake.]

Zach: I’m think they’re gonna save Sherrick ‘till the end, being their money maker and all.

Mikey: The bastard.

Zach: Yeah. Anyway, it’s either the Fenris/Fenris match.

Mikey: Jobber match.

Zach: Or… [Pauses, begins shaking.]

Mikey: Is it…?

Zach: Could be…

[At that moment, Eric "The Eric" Eric climbs into the ring, microphone in hand.]

EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, and especially for the two guys in the front row…

Mikey & Zach: That’s us! GO ERIC!

EEE: Ahem! The next contest is a quarterfinals contest in the Jon Rose Invitational Tournament!

["Creeping Death" by Metallica starts up on the shoddy speakers.]

Mikey: Here he comes! DA MAN!

Zach: The hell he is!

EEE: From Tel Aviv, Israel! Weighing in at two hundred and thirty six pounds!

Mikey: The Little Blue Super Jew!

EEE: Uh, yeah.

[As the music continues to play, no one actually comes through the doors of the kitchen. The audience murmurs in confusion.]

EEE: Maybe I have to do it. Ladies and gents…THE LITTLE BLUE SUPER JEW!

[Nope, nothing.]

Mikey: Where’d he go?

Zach: He fears the Accosted One.

Mikey: Get bent, he does not! The El-Bee-Ess-Jay fears nothing!

Zach: Except a diet.

Mikey: Oh, like you’re one to talk.

[Suddenly, the Little Blue Super Jew emerges from the kitchen, whipping down a pint of Guinness. The door frame of the kitchen manages to hold him upright as he wipes his mouth of beer froth.]

LBSJ: S’okay…ah’m here…

Mikey: No! What did you do to yourself?!

LBSJ: 'M not drunk, 'm jus' takin' th' edge offfth…

[Super Jew stumbles forward, somehow manages to stay on his feet. He drunkenly scurries towards ringside and collapses on the ring apron with his arms outstretched under the bottom rope.]

Zach: Ha! He’s drunken himself in a stupid…er…stupor!

Mikey: Shut up! It’s all a part of his game plan!

Steve: Hey, this guy’s drunk!

Toasty: Sudden realizations by the Stevemeister.

Johnny: I thought Jews only drank Manichevitz?

Mindy: (Doing some waitressing now that Mitch’s match is done.) That guy drinks whatever isn't on fire. Except on "Flaming Castillo's" night, then he drinks those, too.

[LBSJ swings himself into the ring, steadying in the turnbuckles, and waits for Abordar, taking every extra moment to regain his skewed balance.]

EEE: Um…and now…

["Regla el Mundo" ("Rule the Earth") by the Battle Boys kicks the audience up another notch as Abordar darts out from the coat check room, tying his mask in the process. Speaking of his mask, it’s a glittering masterpiece and one of his greatest masked achievements yet. With long black mock hair and devil horns, Abordar’s mask looks something similar to what Psychosis used to wear in WCW.]

A: ¡Mi hermano de lucha! ¡Qué le tienen hecho a se! ¡Usted es en un estupor borracho que solamente la violencia mexicana verdadera puede romperle de!

[As Abordar climbs into the ring in a hasty fashion, the rest of the bar looks over at Jake for the usual translation.]

Jake: I think it was something like: My wrestling brother! What have you done to yourself! You're in a drunken stupor that only true Mexican violence can break you of!

A: Si, senor!

LBSJ: Yeah? Your mother is a camel!

[Eric Eric dives out of the ring for safety as the bell sounds off and the match officially begins!]

Zach: Rip him apart, Abordar! Accost him!

Mikey: Pull it together, El-Bee! You can do it!

[Abordar, from the opposite corner of LBSJ, runs at full overweight speed and spreads his arms wide for a huge avalanche!!!

But he misses! The Little Blue Super Jew collapses to the side in a drunken stupor, causing Abordar to crash chest first into the turnbuckles. Super Jew turns around and grabs hold of Abordar’s leg with all his might. The impact and loss of the use of one leg causes Abordar to come crashing down onto the mat, shaking the whole ring.]

Zach: Damnit!

Mikey: Drunk or not, he still kicks ass!

[The Blue Bomber, still holding onto Abordar’s leg, uses it to push himself up to his feet...and suddenly locks in an Indian deathlock! Abordar howls in agony as his legs are twisted in ways they shouldn’t. Tony Castillo gets right in Abordar’s face.]

TC: Abordar...do you quit?

A: NO!

LBSJ: Tap, ya schtupid nincom...poop!

[Super Jew wrenches on the indian deathlock, Abordar sounding out a massive howl.]

LBSJ: Give me a tap so I may drink from it!

Zach: I don’t get it.

Mikey: [Hangs his head.] Ugh. He’s so drunk, he can’t figure out the difference in taps.

[Abordar suddenly lets loose with a series of punches! Some of them connect, some of them don’t. The Super Jew, though, is still so inhibriated that he topples to the side, releasing the hold. Abordar grasps at his legs, tapping at the sides of them to get the circulation going again.]

A: ¡Debo volar!

Jake: He said he must fly!

Zach: YEAH! Go for it!

[Abordar runs forward and leaps up to the second rope. He bounces off with a vengence as Super Jew slowly stumbles to his feet. Abordar flies in the air and nails the Blue Bomber with a flying back elbow! Abordar quickly goes for the pin!

1!!

2!!

Shoulder Up!]

LBSJ: Ah’m not yer type...ah jusht need a few more beersh in me!

[The Super Jew climbs to his feet as Abordar does the same. But Super Jew trips and falls right across the middle rope! As he drools and attempts to be sober, Abordar bounces off the opposite ropes and comes back with...]

Zach: The NINE-OH-TWO!!!

[Yes! Abordar ducks between the top and middle rope, swinging his feet around and clocking Super Jew right in his gaping maw! The Blue One reels back and lands hard on his back in the center of the ring!]

Zach: Finish him off, Abordar!

Mikey: Shake it off, damnit, Blue!

[Abordar raises a finger high in the air and shouts out a battle cry that is more or less just a loud scream. The crowd responds in full by shouting and "whoo!"ing back in return. Abordar darts over to the turnbuckle and climbs it faster than he ever has before. The Super Jew is starting to climb back to his feet, still drooling and frothing from his mouth.]

Zach: INCOMING!

Mikey: Move it, Super Jew!

[Abordar aims and is about to fly but....WHAM! Super Jew collapses on the ropes again, the top rope this time. The ropes shake furiously as Abordar is sent eagle spread down onto the top turnbuckle!]

Mikey: Ooooh! Right on the little Luchadors!

Zach: NOO!!

[Super Jew hiccups, shakes the cobwebs and stumbles over to the turnbuckle. He slowly climbs to the second turnbuckle. Abordar fires away at some right hands in an attempt to fight off the Blue Bomber, but....]

Mikey: The Hanukkahnrana!!!

Zach: No, damnit!

[The crowd in Castillo’s surges in cheers as the drunken Super Jew leaps up and brings Abordar back to the center of the ring with a hurricanrana! Super Jew doesn’t follow it up, though! He climbs to his feet and looks around at the audience…]

LBSJ: I had ALL your mothers!

Toasty: That’s what Lark said earlier!

LBSJ: Oh….*hiccup!* yeah. Right…

[The Blue One collapses backwards…and right on top of the sprawled Abordar! Castillo is counting it as a pin attempt!!

1!!!!


2!!!!


KICK OUT!!!]

Zach: Yeah!!!

A: [Groggily] ¡Un no-Mexicano me no colocaré!

Jake: He said he won’t be put down by a non-Mexican.

Zach: That’s telling him!

[Little Blue Super Jew and Abordar both slowly crawl to their feet. They both attempt to shake the cobwebs but are having a hard time doing so in the smoky bar and the long match. They suddenly bump into each other, back to back and whirl around to face each other...

Abordar with a right hand!

Super Jew with a left!

Abordar with a right!

Super Jew with a left!

The two combatants trade punches left and right, neither man wanting to fall.]

Mikey: Do something, Super Jew!

Zach: Hit ‘em with something bit, Abordar!

[While the punches are traded, Norv, the assistant bartender, goes around collecting empty glasses and topping people off with beer. He picks up the large mug that Super Jew dropped on the outside before climbing into the ring.]

Norv: What a freakin’ mess these guys are.

LBSJ: Ah’m having YOUR mother tonight, Norv!

[Distracted for a microsecond, Super Jew doesn’t see the big knee of Abordar slam into his stomach! Bits of saliva and beer spew from his mouth as he loses his wind suddenly. Abordar, beginning to huff and puff, clenches his hands together and drives a massive double axehandle down into the back of the Blue Bomber. And another! Super Jew drops down to one knee. A third axehandle takes Super Jew face first into the mat.]

Zach: Damn, man! That’s the way to do it!

Mikey: How many times do I have to tell you to shake it off, Blue!?

[Abordar slowly backs up against the ropes and bounces off. Super Jew remains on his stomach, long enough for Abordar to come down hard with a big leg drop! Abordar with the pin attempt!

1!!!

2!!!

Shoulder Up!]

LBSJ: ‘ey! Ish it time for last call yet!?

Mikey: Forget about beer, will ya!

[The entire bar goes into an utter silence and stares at Mikey for daring to say such a blasphemous thing in Castillo’s Bar & Grill. He gives a nervous smile and waves. The bar goes back to its business of watching a good ‘ol fashioned wrestling match.

Abordar picks up Super Jew and whips him hard into the turnbuckle.]

Norv: I swear, if it wasn’t for me and Tony, this place would crash and burn. [He starts walking towards the bar with a load of dishes.]

[Abordar runs towards the drunken Super Jew and…WHAM! He successfully squashes him with an avalanche into the corner!]

Mikey: Aw damn!

Zach: WOO!

[Abordar cocks his head to the sound of the "woo"…pulls his arm back…and SLAP! He delivers a hard chop across Super Jew’s chest!]

Crowd: WOO!

[Slap! Meanwhile, Norv starts unloading the bus of dishes.]

Crowd: WOO!!

[Slap! Meanwhile, Norv inspects the glass LBSJ had, which is covered in floor crud.]

Crowd: WOO!!!

[Abordar grabs the Blue Bomber by the head, pulls him out of the corner and backs up into the corner himself. He climbs up to the second rope and wraps his arm around Blue’s head.]

Zach: This is the end, folks! The big spinning DDT that destroyed the Clichéd Villain!

Norv: [Sniffs the glass of LBSJ.] Hey, wait a second! This doesn't smell like Guinness…

Mikey & Zach: What?

Norv: This smells like…LIGHT BEER!

Abordar: WHAT?!!? But that means…

[Super Jew suddenly comes alive in the front face lock and whips Abordar off the second turnbuckle and over Blue’s head with a northern lights suplex!]

Zach: HOLY CRAP!

Mikey: WOO!!!

[The crowd erupts as they realize that Super Jew was playing possum (or drunk) the whole time! Rather than go for the pin attempt involved in the Northern Lights Suplex, Blue keeps hold of Abordar’s arm and spins around…]

Mikey: Oh boy! Here it comes!

Zach: Come on, Abordar! Snap out of it!

[Working like lightning, the Super Jew wraps his legs around Abordar’s massive waist, locking in both arms into a Wakigitame and locking the move in tightly with the grace and intensity that a sober Super Jew is famous for!]

Mikey: The Arm Bar Mitzvah! Tap, Abordar, TAP!

Zach: Hold it together, big guy! You can do it!!

TC: Abordar, do you give?!

A: NO!

LBSJ: Oh yes you do!

[The Little Blue Super Jew wrenches the move in tighter, refusing to give Abordar any leeway.]

TC: Do you give?!

LBSJ: Tap, damn you!

A: NO!!

[Wrench!!!!]

A: ARGH!!!

[Abordar taps! He taps! Tony Castillo calls for the bell as the Little Blue Super Jew releases the hold!]

EEE: Here is your winner, and not the drunk we thought he was!!! THE LITTLE BLUE SUPER JEW!!!!

Mikey: YEAH!!!

Zach: Damnit!

[Castillo raises Super Jew’s arm in victory as Abordar rolls out of the ring, holding his arm. Super Jew soon climbs out of the ring himself and stops to sign the forehead of Mikey before disappearing into the kitchen for some much deserved winners wings.]

Mikey: Man! That was awesome!

Zach: The bastard cheated! He should’ve been accosted!

Mikey: Hell of a match, though, huh?

Zach: Indeed!

Exhibition Match
"The Wolf" Lark Fenriz VS Wayne Fenris
Referee: Cadwell Warner
Match Writer: Joseph Thompson

[The crowd, pumped after seeing an awesome match between Little Blue Super Jew and Abordar, watches as Triple E comes to the ring…and he's smiling! The Smiles Lost Anonymous people in the crowd, hooked on the quality ISW action, begin to chant.

SLA’s in crowd: E-RIC! E-RIC!

Triple E: Well, it is now time for the next match here tonight. And Mr. Castillo has given me permission to declare this the "Dime Beer Match". Yes, all domestic longnecks are only 10 cents for the duration of this match, but you can only order one at a time.

[Immediately, many hands shoot up.]

Triple E: This match is scheduled for one play dead, and is for absolutely nothing but dignity. Remember, kids, dignity is precious; otherwise, you end up wearing a sequined cape and attempting to fight crime. And your referee tonight is Cadwell Warner.

[CW just scowls at Eric.]

Triple E: Introducing first…from Cleveland, Ohio…

Crowd: NOT THIS LOO-SER!!! NOT THIS LOO-SER!!!

Triple E: Yes, him, and weighing in at…well, more than me, and probably less than Cadwell over here, he is also currently wrestling for like ninety zillion other promotions, six of which he is involved in a match for right this second, and former owner of a 27-inch Hitronics TV currently called the CastilloVision. He is "THE WOLF" LARK FENRIZ!!

[Out comes an extremely tired-looking Lark Fenriz, who seems to be blasted drunk from time spent at some other bar. With him is the midget, who is carrying a suitcase gaily bedecked with decals from various exotic locations like Melbourne, Australia, Disneyland, and Baltimore-Washington International Airport.]

LF: Bad flight. You lose twenty-three times in one day, and it'd make even the baddest of the hardcore tired. I AM HARDCORE! I'VE DONE TIME! I'VE HAD ALL YOUR MOTHERS!

[Fenriz throws up.]

Triple E: And his opponent,

[The Elvis classic "Hound Dog" begins to play.]

Triple E: From Memphis, Tennessee, and weighing in at 312 pounds, he is not only the original Werewolf of Memphis, he is the original Elvis Werewolf, and here he is, the King of Rock and Roll-Over, WAYNE FENRIS!

[Wayne Fenris comes out singing along and shaking his pelvis, especially in the direction of the ladies, well, both of them, as the two college girls from last week came back.]

Random Girl #1: I like hairy old men.

Random Girl #2: EEEEEWWWWWW! Oh, my, God, that is so disgusting! Now, that Little Blue Super Jew could hide his kosher salami in me anytime!

Random Guy #2: Hey!

[Fenris enters the ring, carrying his amazing heirloom guitar. He is dressed in a werewolf Halloween mask of the sort sold at your local 33-cent store and an elaborate white jumpsuit studded with multi-coloured rhinestones that spell "Wayne Fenris" on the back, and a blue scarf around his neck, which he throws to Random Girl #1.]

Random Girl #1: It has his phone number on it! Oh, wait, that's the RSPCA, this is his rabies tag. Oh, well, I'm sure the animal shelter will hook me up!

[Random Girl #1 swoons out of giddiness as Wayne Fenris holds the guitar over his head.]

Norv: Whoa! Is that thing gold-plated?

[It is in fact gold-plated, because would wood be good enough for the original Werewolf Elvis, I think not? And it saves a lot on replacement costs. All those copycats have to find new guitars of extreme sentimental value to smash, but not the real thing Wayne Fenris, oh, no.]

WF: AAAAOOOOOOO! Thank you, thank you very much. The Honky Tonk Werewolf's gonna chase this copycat up a tree. You're not even a good phoney, boy, I don't listen to that new fangled death metal, it makes your hair fall out! And this fur is 100% Wayne! AAAOOOOOO!

Crowd: AAAAAAOOOOOO!

WF: Come again? I couldn't hear you punks!

Crowd: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

WF: Better. Now ring that bell so the King can karate this chump.

[The bell rings as Lark Fenriz goes for the devastating maneuver once perfected by Darrin Drozdov known as "puke on your opponent's shoes."]

Norv: Oh man, you can't get vomit out of suede!
Toasy: Spew shoes!!!!

[And, yes, Wayne Fenris isn't particularly happy by this turn of events, as he throws Lark into the ropes, and lands a kick on Lark, that if it had been within three feet of him, could have been fatal to someone this far gone.]

Lark: MY MOM WOULDN'T DATE YOU!

Crowd: HE'S GOT ISSUES! [Clap-clap-clap!]

[Wayne Fenris dances in that swivel-hipped motion copied by that dork from Tupelo, Mississippi, who couldn't even outlive Wayne Fenris, much less copy him, and then howls at the moon.]

WF: AAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOO!

Crowd: AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOO!

[An amber puddle appears on the ring under Lark Fenriz as he attempts to get back up, but falls once again in his own filth. Wayne comes off the top rope with a massive axehandle! Lark has a brief moment of clarity and consciousness.]

LF: One Coors Light, please! Just throw it in the ring really hard.

[Of course, Norv is behind the bar, and he throws much more like a girl than most actual girls, and it dribbles slowly into the ring, where Wayne picks it up.]

WF: Cute, boy, really cute. You think that's the first time someone's tried that on the Honky Tonk Werewolf? That joke's older than the hills!

[He opens the can of Coors Light and pours it on top of Lark Fenriz, and then busts out the guitar as Cadwell Warner is busy reading his new comic book that Mitch and Mindy wrote for him.

CRASH!!!]

[Wayne Fenris just added music to injury as the opening chords of Van Morrison's classic "Gloria" played when the heirloom guitar impacted Lark Fenriz's skull. Lark wasn't that out of it anyway, but he is definitely out now as Random Girl #1 comes to.]

Random Girl #1: WAYNE! I WANT YOUR PUPPIES, WAYNE!

Random Guy #2: Oh, brother, she's worse than Brad.

[Wayne Fenris places Lark's head between his legs, begins swivelling that Elvis-pelvis, jumps in the air, and lands on his knees, driving Lark's head under the mat! Then he covers. Cadwell is sufficiently moved to pay attention to this turn of events. One, two, three, it's done!]

Triple E: Your winner, as of 49 picoseconds, WAYNE FENRIS!!! And, this time, really fired, banned from this bar, and cut off from all future drive-through alcohol sales, "THE WOLF" LARK FENRIZ!!!

[Random Girl #1 rushes the ring and begins kissing Wayne's blue suede shoes, even though they're dappled with Lark's vomit. Meanwhile, the ambulance crew from the provincial psychiatric ward is hauling a drooling Lark off on a stretcher for some much needed rest and relaxation.]

Tournament Round Two
"Smooth Criminal" Genshun Osakawa VS Sherrick Wonder
Referee: Cadwell Warner
Written by: Nick Piers

[The extremely excited crowd continues to sit on pins and cushions, waiting for the main event. Tony Castillo and Norv are serving customers left and right. Jon Rose sits at the time keepers table as usual, taking notes on his clipboard, which for all we know could be variants of happy faces.

Speaking of happy faces, though, Eric "The Eric" Eric climbs back into the ring as the patrons in Castillo’s shout, hoot and holler. Cadwell Warner has all ready made his way into the ring and stands with his arms folded beside Triple E.]

EEE: Laaaaaadies and gentlemen!

[The patrons of Castillo’s give a large cheer and clink their glasses together in anticipation.]

EEE: Before we get on to the match announcement, Tony Castillo would like to inform everyone that the bar is closing in about half an hour. That means…

All 30 Plus College Guys: LAST CALL!

EEE: Yep!

[Hundreds of hands shoot up, demanding their last chance for beer before going home.]

EEE: Also, both Tony and Jon Rose would like to proudly announce that you people have broken the indoor attendance record for Castillo’s Bar & Grill!!!

[Another surge of cheers and glass clinking from the patrons!]

EEE: We’ve reached new records of attendance at a whopping one hundred and fifty one people!!

[The crowd pauses for a minute at the small number, but then realize that yes, it’s not exactly a huge bar…so with that in mind? They give another huge maddening cheers and glass clinking!]

EEE: Now that we’ve got all that done with, it’s time for the MAIN EVENT!!!

["Eminence Front" by the Who starts up in the shoddy speaks of Castillo’s Bar & Grill. Without even batting an eyelash or giving the song a chance to full start up…]

The Whole F’N Crowd: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!!!

[And through the doors of the men’s bathroom steps…a man in a purple business suit and purple Luchador mask that covers his whole face!]

EEE: First, from Hartford, Connecticut! Being accompanied to the ring by his manager, The Incredible Falling Down Purple Guy, weighing in at two hundred and fifteen pounds!!! SHERRICK!!!

["Eminence Front" continues to play as TIFDPG stands to the side of the door with his hands on his hips. The crowd continues to boo and make cat calls towards the bathroom area. And yet, there’s still no sign of Sherrick.]

Steve: …the hell?

Terri: Maybe he chickened out. Smooth Criminal is undefeated, after all.

Jack: Coward! Come out here!

[The Incredible Falling Down Purple Guy raises a finger in front of him, silently telling the audience to hold on a minute. He disappears into the washroom, but is quickly shoved back out and falls hard onto the wooden planked flooring.]

Johnny: Uh oh.

Toasty: Sherrick’s a chicken shit!

[TIFDPG brushes himself off, gets to his feet and climbs into the ring, whispering to Eric Eric.]

Crowd: CHICK-EN SHIT! CHICK-EN SHIT!

EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been informed by the Purple Guy that Sherrick refuses to wrestle any longer in the Captain Wonder outfit!

Crowd: BOOOOO!!!!

JR: It’s okay, I’ll handle this…

EEE: What?!

[Jon Rose himself stands up from the time keepers table and walks towards the bathroom. Suddenly, Sherrick kicks the door open with an unheard of force! Rose didn’t see it coming and is hit smack in the face with the door!]

EEE: BOSS!!!

Tony Castillo: JON!

[Sherrick charges out of the bathroom towards the ISW Owner, folded steel chair in hand! He swings with all his might and blasts Rose over the head with the chair! It should be noted, as well, that Sherrick is no longer wearing the Captain Wonder uniform, and is back in his black and dark red singlet.

The whole audience gasps as Jon Rose collapses in a heap onto the floor.]

S: See!?!?! I told you I wasn’t going to put up with this crap anymore!

Crowd: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!!!

S: Yeah?! I might be an asshole, but I won’t wear this superhero shit anymore! I won’t put up with the freaks anymore! I want a challenge again!

[Suddenly, with a loud shrieking "BOW!" Genshun Osakawa appears at the bottom of the stairs at Sherrick’s left! The "bow" was the start of "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm, which stops playing as…

Genshun suddenly flies forward; wrapping his legs around Sherrick and taking him back down with a carousel head scissors! Every patron in Castillo’s goes absolutely bonkers as Sherrick pops back to his feet and backs away from the Michael Jackson impersonator!]

TC: Norv, go get Moe and get him to help you with Rose!

Norv: Right.

[Norv disappears down the other stairs on the opposite side of the bar into the coat check room.]

Toasty: Rip him a new a-hole, Genshun!!!!

Sherrick: SHUT UP! Don’t encourage him!

[Genshun, wearing his pure white dress pants and shiny black wrestling boots, rears back and slaps a knife edge chop across Sherrick’s chest!]

Crowd: Woo!!!

Sherrick: [Reeling.] SHUT UP, I said!!

[Sherrick fires back with his own knife chop!]

Crowd: ….

Sherrick: Oh, what, I get nothing!?

[Genshun returns the favour, chopping Sherrick hard enough to reel against the apron of the ring itself!]

Crowd: WOOO!!!!

Sherrick: The hell with this!

[Sherrick quickly rolls into the ring and pops up to his feet, waiting for Genshun.

Meanwhile, Norv returns from the coat check room with the bald Moe. Together, they lift Jon Rose up and quickly carry him into the kitchen. Meanwhile (again), the Incredible Falling Down Purple Guy rolls out of the ring and assumes Rose’s position at the time keeper’s table. Triple E has joined him and giving some instructions on how to be a time keeper.

*Ding, ding, ding!*]

Mikey: And this match is officially underway!

Toasty: Come on, Genshun! Make Sherrick a eunuch person!

Sherrick: HEY!

[Distracted for that one second, Sherrick doesn’t see Genshun leap to the top rope and fly like no one’s business with a moonsault…

…AND CONNECTS! Sherrick is flattened by the hundred and seventy eight pound Japanese frame. Osakawa quickly goes for the pin as Warner drops on his massive stomach!

OneTwoThr---

Kickout!!]

CW: Damn.

Sherrick: What the hell are you doing!?!?!?!

Toasty: Not counting fast enough, obviously!!!

[Genshun keeps the momentum going with a microsecond of a crotch grab, followed by a big elbow drop to the back of the head of Sherrick! Again, he goes for the pin!

OneTwo…

KICK OUT!]

Sherrick: Piss off!!

CW: Stop kicking out!

[Genshun picks Sherrick up by the hair, but Sherrick comes to life, bats both of Osakawa’s arms away and fires away with some right hands…]

CW: Watch the fists, or you’re disqualified!

Sherrick: FINE!

[He delivers a big knife edge chop to the bare chest of the Smooth Criminal!]

Sherrick: WOOO!

[He grabs Genshun by the arm and whips him hard into the turnbuckle which causes the rickety chains to rattle violently. Sherrick rushes forward like a steam engine, but Genshun leaps right over him! Sherrick whirls around quickly, but not fast enough as he’s met with a big dropkick from the Smooth Criminal!]

Terri: [Impersonates Michael Jackson] HEE-HEE!

[All of the college guys grab their ears in agony as Terri hits notes that are not meant to be heard by the human species. Genshun takes a few steps back, sticks a finger high in the air and…]

SCGO: HOOOOOOOO!!!

Terri: Hey! Who you calling a hoe!?

Steve: No, he’s…

Terri: I know, I know.

[Smooth Criminal spins on one foot and begins to moonwalk back towards Sherrick. Unfortunately, Sherrick has shaken the cobwebs of the dropkick, wraps his arms around Genshun….

…and performs a German Suplex that causes Osakawa to ram his head hard onto the top turnbuckle!]

Crowd: OHHHH!!

Sherrick doesn’t let go, though, as he turns around and releases Smooth Criminal over his head in a release German Suplex! Sherrick quickly hooks a leg and goes for the pin…

One!!!!

Two!!!

Shoulder Up!]

Sherrick: [Bolts to his feet and gets in Cadwell Warner’s face.] What the hell are you doing!?

CW: Counting slowly enough?

Sherrick: God DAMNIT!!

[He whirls around and kicks Osakawa right in the face with a savate kick! He then turns back to Warner.]

S: You goddamn freak! You’ve had it in for me since day one!

Steve: You brought it on yourself, asshole!

S: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!

[Genshun suddenly comes to life and rolls Sherrick up into a school boy pin! Warner drops down for a pin!

OneTwoThr---

KICKOUT!]

Sherrick: Piss off, you child molester!!!!

Crowd: OHHHH!

[Sherrick kippups to his feet quickly and grabs Genshun by the legs. He twists Osakawa over onto his stomach and into a perfect Boston Crab!]

Sherrick: Fast count that, freak! Fast count it, now!!!

[Sherrick leans back further with the Boston Crab, causing Genshun’s back to stretch even further!! And Cadwell isn’t even looking to see if he’s tapping…]

CW: Hmm. This --_could_ be a submission hold. I’ll have to check the handbook.

S: WHAT?!!?

[Cadwell leans over the top rope towards the college guys.]

CW: Does that look like a submission hold to you guys? I can’t tell.

SCGO: I hurt very badly!!!

Toasty: Nope, I don’t think it…

SCGO: Please!

CW: Hey, I’m talking here!

S: Oh, the hell with this!

[Sherrick lets go of the Boston Crab, puts a hand on Cadwell’s arm, whipping him around to face him man to ref. He shoves Warner against the ropes and sticks a finger in his face.]

S: You’re all freak jobs, you hear me!? When am I gonna be free of all of you and get some serious competition, huh1?

[Genshun, still unable to stand and lying on the mat, dips his hand into the front of his white pants. While Sherrick continues to yell obscenities at Cadwell Warner, Osakawa pulls out the dreaded and studded white glove! He slowly climbs to his feet, slipping on the glove.]

TIFDPG: Look out, boss!!!

Steve: He can speak?

[Sherrick whirls around and leaps in the same movement, clocking Osakawa in the back of the head with an Enziguri kick! Smooth Criminal crumbles to the mat as Sherrick sees the foreign object in question. He bends down, slips the glove off of Genshun’s hand and turns back to Cadwell.]

S: And I suppose this would be perfectly legal, freak!?

CW: In the hands of the pure…

S: He’s a bad guy, too!!!!

[The whole crowd bursts into laughter at this. Meanwhile, The Incredible Falling Down Purple Guy leaves his time keeper’s post, pulling something out of his tights, as well! Genshun begins to get back to his feet while Sherrick is still yelling incoherently at Warner.]

S: That’s all I ask! A freaking challenge! Serious competition! No more of these stupid comedy-fests or joke matches!

[TIFDPG pulls a second studded glove out of HIS tights! He throws it over to Osakawa, who slips it on as quickly and quietly as possible…]

Mikey: INCOMING!!

Sherrick: What?!

[BONG! Osakawa goes low with the studded white glove and delivers a fist up into Sherrick’s nether regions! Sherrick keels forward, his eyes tearing up from the loaded low blow. The crowd in Castillo’s is going absolutely nuts as they feel the end of the match is upon them!

Sherrick, who is still keeled over and holding the family jewels with both hands, waddles around to face Genshun. He catches a glimpse of TIFDPG, who waves at Sherrick by wiggling his fingers in a girly manner.]

S: Eh tu, Purple?

[Osakawa deftly rolls Sherrick up into a small package! Warner goes down for the pin!]

Crowd: ONE!!!!

TWO!!!!!

THREEEEEEEE!!!!

*Ding, ding, ding!!!*

EEE: Here is your winner and going into the quarterfinals of the Jon Rose Invitational….SMOOTH CRIMINAL GENSHUN OSAKAWA!!!

[The entire bar erupts in applause, cheers, hoots and hollers, and clinking of glasses. Osakawa quickly disappears into the men’s bathroom, not wanting to face Sherrick’s wrath. Cadwell Warner also dives out of the ring from Sherrick, who is quickly on his feet. He’s looking directly at The Incredible Falling Down Purple Guy…]

S: YOU! I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again…never trust a freak in a mask!

[Sherrick suddenly bounces off the opposite ropes, running back and dives over the top rope in a huge plancha that flattens TIFDPG!]

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

[Sherrick grabs TIFDPG by the head and the back of the tights and violently rolls him into the ring. He climbs back in, himself, one hand still holding onto the family jewels.]

S: Whenever Rose gets out of intensive care, I want him to know I’m done with you freaks. I’m fucking sick and tired of these jokes messing up my career! The assholes in UWF took advantage of my concussion and put me in a goddamn Captain Wonder outfit!

[Sherrick stalks closer towards TIFDPG. The Purple Guy crawls backwards into the one of the corners, holding a hand up and silently begging for mercy.

S: And YOU! Rose had this planned all along, didn’t he? He wanted to see how far I’d get, didn’t he!? Well screw him! I’m running roughshod over everyone and anyone I feel like…

[Purple Guy suddenly delivers a massive kick to Sherrick’s family jewels!]

S: [Keels forward.] Aw, not again!

[Purple Guy leaps to his feet, plants a leg over Sherrick’s neck…and brings him down hard with at Rocker Dropper!!! The whole crowd goes nuts as they see Sherrick getting his just deserts!

TIFDPG: [Begins to untie the strings in the back of his mask.] You want a challenge, Sherrick?! You want some serious feuding?!

[The Purple Guy rips the mask off of his head and rubs a hand through his hair. The person underneath the mask? None other…

…..than Chase Hunter.]

Crowd: HO-LEE SHIT!!!! HO-LEE SHIT!!!!!

Mikey: Chase Hunter?! As in Simply Canadian Rasslin’ Association Chase Hunter?!

CH: Sherrick. Be careful of what you wish for.

[End of show as the crowd continues to chant "Ho-Lee Shit".]


©2004 BOB Wrestling. If not completely confused, spin around three times and click your knuckles together.

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