BOB Presents: As A Result Of Burnout, Vol. 7!
This isn't our show....Well, it is NOW!
[A graphic appears on the screen. It looks exactly like those two sentences up there. Confused? You're supposed to be you. After all, you're drunk. And this is just a very bad dream. Plus, it beats a Best Of show. Too much editing and research for that. So, BOB proudly presents a federation that could just as easily be BOB's second cousin three times removed. Independent Spirit Wrestling. Enjoy.]
[Even though it's not the official start of the show, we here at Independent Spirit Wrestling value you, the reader, especially the new readers. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with the ISW environment, shame on you. But hold that shame back because we're going to give you a top to bottom description of what it looks like inside and out of Castillo's Bar & Grill, the wrestling environment for champions.
We start our tour outside of Castillo's on the streets of Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. On a small street built on a hill, Sackville St. to be exact, there's a series of stores and bars near the bottom of the hill. On this street, there's an old wooden sign that has the name "Castillo's Bar & Grill" painted on it. Below the sign is a double oak doors, complete with wooden handles, which is the entrance to our illustrious bar. And I use the word "illustrious" lightly.
Oh, dear reader, as you enter those doors, you step into a small coat checkarea that doubles as a lobby. To your right, we have the official coat check girl, Mindy, who usually doubles as Mitch Brzezinski's manager. She'll take your coat and give you a plastic number so you can retrieve your coat later in the night. In front of you is a small stairway leading directly up into the main area of Castillo's.
Now for the main area: First, you have in the dead center of the bar, the wrestling ring. It's much smaller than the size of rings you're used to seeing on television. In fact, ISW could only afford to have one set of turnbuckles which are situated on the top turnbuckle area. The other turnbuckles are heavily taped, but would still hurt like a bitch in comparison. The ring is shabby and looks like everything would shake and rattle with every major wrestling maneuver. There are no steps around the ring for the wrestlers to climb; ISW couldn't afford them. On the left side of the ring, behind the security ropes, is the timekeeper's table where the ring announcer and others will sit, taking notes.
Surrounding the ring are some posts with cheap rope joining each of them. Yes, this is the only security measure that ISW can afford. Behind these "security ropes" is the fan section with rows and rows of wooden folding chairs. Near the back of these rows are a couple of bar tables still set up for people that still come for the food or a place to put pitchers of beer.
To your direct right, dear reader, are the bathrooms. This is where the heels of ISW exit. To the right of them is a staircase which takes you to the upstairs area of Castillo's Bar & Grill. We'll get there in a moment.
Directly across on the opposite side of the bar are the doors for the kitchen. These are cheap plastic double swinging doors with a small porthole/window on each door so you can see into the kitchen. This, dear reader, is where ISW's faces exit from.
On the right side of Castillo's is the bar itself. Tony Castillo and his assistant bar tender, Norv, tend the drinks to everyone. There's a large refrigerator where many bottles are kept and there's plenty of different beers on the tap. Underneath the bar is a VCR and other audio and video equipment for the brand new television network that Tony has set up. Speaking of which, you'll notice that in each corner of the bar is a 17-19" television sets propped up on a corner shelf.
Let's have a quick look upstairs. Before you go upstairs, I'll point out that directly above the ring is an opening in the ceiling just barely larger in size than the ring. People on the second floor can look at the action from below, but fortunately, there's a wall and a railing so they won't fall, naturally. As we head up the stairs, the first thing you'll notice on the second floor is the room is filled with about half a dozen pool tables.
This area is incredibly smoky as there's a no smoking rule downstairs during the wrestling. There's also a couple of gambling machines. Naturally, there's another pair of men's and women's washrooms up here as well.
So that completes our tour of Castillo's Bar & Grill, home to Independent Spirit Wrestling. Please consider visiting the merchandise gift shop, which is located at the bar. Technically, the stuff is in a cardboard box underneath the cash register and labeled in black marker "Sell this Stuff", but it counts, right?
Yeah, on with the show! We join our intrepid non-televised event as our intrepid eight regular collage people composed of Steve & Terri, Jack, Johnny, Toasty, Mikey, Zach, and Brian. Normally, they would be called the eight college guys, but Eddie seems to be missing for some odd reason.]
The college guys file into Castillo's and notice that Norv is checking ID tonight.]
Steve: Hey, where's Moe?
Norv: He had to do... stuff.
[They continue inside and see a couch and extremely comfy looking chair sitting in the ring.]
Toasty: What the..?
Zach: Who's that in the ring? Is that the professor?
[The Prof stands in the ring, pacing and looking nervous. He takes a deep pull from his pipe, his eyes scanning the growing crowd.]
Steve: What the hell is this? Wrestling psychotherapy?
Mikey: Check it out. He's got a set of those little clicky balls.
Steve: "Clicky balls?"
Mikey: Yeah, you know, those little balls that go back and forth?
Steve: Mikey, I don't want to hear about your uncontrollable clicky balls.
[Mikey almost says something, but decides not to dignify Steve with a response.]
Prof: Ladies and gentlemen!
[The mic feeds back somewhat, and the Professor pauses for a moment before continuing.]
Prof: Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the caustic carnival of delights known as Independent Spirit Wrestling!
Prof: Tonight we have something new in store for you all. A little segment I like to call... The Couch.
Mikey: The Couch... of Crushing?
Zach: The Concussion Couch?
Prof: No. Just "The Couch".
[Mikey and Zach exchange a doubtful glance.]
Prof: What is weird, my friends, is the psyche of the professional wrestler! Who can fathom the kind of mind that would lead a man to such a barbaric life! That is the mind that we will journey into tonight, through the conduit of the brave, corpulent Abordar! For tonight, the rotund grappler will not be facing a superiority-complex infused muscle man! He will not be facing a deadly and unpredictable jewish midget! He will be facing only himself! He will face his own mind, tonight, on The Couch!
[An elevator-music rendition of Abordar's theme plays, and he walks to the ring, looking somewhat unsure of himself. The audience is similarly lost, giving him a quick pop, but then falling into silence, unsure of what to
Prof: Hello, Abordar! Please, come into the ring! Lie down, and we can begin right away! I know all you fans are anxious for the psycho-analysis to begin!
[Abordar climbs into the ring and lays down on the couch as his music fades, while the Prof takes a seat in his comfy chair and loads his pipe.]
Prof: Now, let us begin. Abordar, tell us... What was your childhood like?
[Abordar doesn't answer. The silence hangs heavily in the room.]
A: Excuse me, senor Professor, but I am not understanding in what way this relates to wrestling.
[The Prof puffs his pipe somewhat haughtily.]
Prof: Well, alright, then. Tell me, what do you think of your current place in professional wrestling?
A: Well, honestly, I've been thinking... perhaps I have not been taking it seriously enough. Perhaps it is time for the laughs to come to a cease. But I love to laugh. I love it like I love eating. I love to laugh and eat, which is quite difficult, and took me many years to master.
Prof (not paying a lot of attention): Mmyes... Tell me more about that...
[Abordar smiles and begins to look more enthusiastic, moving his arms about animatedly as he explains.]
A: At this point I can eat a chicken, a steak, a cadre of potatoes and six different varieties of tequila at the same time. I do not kid you sir! It is a delicate process of balancing and air-flow-management which I have invented, and which I call Intra-Suction-Food-Matter-Flow-A-Nomics! I am authoring a book. It shall be wondrous.
Prof: I'd like to hear more about this. Now tell me, how exactly is it that you-
Brother Superior: Hold it!
[Brother Superior stalks to the ring and climbs in, shaking his head in disgust.]
BS: You call this psychoanalysis? Your methods are highly dubious! In addition, I submit that your credentials are suspect!
[The Prof gets to his feet, looking Superior straight in the eye.]
Prof: You have a problem with my methods?
BS: Methods? What methods? All you're doing is talking about food! I was top of my class at the Harvard, North Dakota Adult Annex Psychological College, and I've never seen a worse therapist!
A: Doctors, if I may... This talk of food intake has brought back memories, memories I have been trying to repress. Perhaps I should remove them from my bosom. Lately, it seems I have been dreaming almost exclusively of... crabs.
[Superior and the Prof both stop arguing and look at Abordar.]
A: Even my more amorous nocturnal adventures tend lately to focus on -- and this is not easy to say -- some hideous variety of almost... ladylike crab creatures. Upon recent consideration, I strongly fear that I may be traveling toward insanity.
BS: Oh my god! That is sick! You are a sick man!
Prof: Now see here! That is no way to speak to a man on the couch! This man is baring his soul! And judging by that last sentence, he is very much in need of my help! Now please leave!
BS: You know what, Professor? If that is your real name? Sometimes, no amount of psychoanalysis will help a man. Sometimes someone is so gravely misguided, such as yourself, that the only treatment of any consequence is a savage beating!
[Superior lifts the Prof's big, comfy chair into the air. The Prof cowers in fear!]
BS: Everything else is a placebo!
[Superior swings, but Abordar leaps from the couch and shields The Prof, taking the cushions of the comfy chair directly to the face! He goes down, and the Prof scurries from the ring as Superior tosses the chair aside.]
BS: Let this be a lesson to all of you! Leave the psych to the professionals! Not those who profess to be proficient, such as the Professor!
[Superior glares around the room menacingly, and the crowd stares back, quiet. He nods to himself, satisfied with a job well done, and then leaves the ring.]
Zach: Man, that was strange. I think Superior's lost it.
Mikey: That title match must have him really on edge.
Brian: Either that or he just hates psychologists.
Steve: Or couches.
[Abordar comes to and rolls from the ring as Tony and Norv begin removing the couch and chair from the ring.]
Zach: Hey Abordar! What gives? You got hit by the softest, most padded part of the chair! Why'd you go down?
[Abordar approaches the college guys and speaks in a quiet tone, not wanting anyone else to hear.]
Abordar: To be honest in full, I did not like the things el professor brought out in me. It is an aspect of myself which I fear, and which must be kept under maximum control.
Mikey: What, you mean the crab thing?
Abordar (wide eyed): SHHHH!!
[Abordar stares scarily at the college guys for a long moment, then walks to the bar and orders a crab beer. And now.it's time for our esteemed ring announcer and temporary ISW owner, Eric "The Eric" Eric to climb into the ring and finally do some announcing duties!]
Crowd: ER-IC! ER-IC! ER-IC!
EEE: Aw man, you guys rule, you know that?
Toasty: No, you do!
EEE: Thanks man!
Toasty: You're welcome!
EEE: Thanks for saying you're welcome!
Toasty: You're welcome for saying thanks to my welcome.
The Whole F'N Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!
EEE: Oh, right.
Rookie Debut Match
David Randall vs. Ziddy Rob-Rob
Referee: Eric "The Eric" Eric (kinda)
Match Writer: Nick Piers
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a Rookie Debut Match!
Toasty: Cannon fodder time!
EEE: [Not missing a beat for a change] First.
["American Jesus" by Bad Religion starts up. David Randall, with two bountiful ladies on each arm, exits from the bathroom in about as much glory that can be possible.]
EEE: From Elizabeth, New Jersey.weighing 246 pounds....being accompanied to the ring by Stacey Elizabeth and Myst ....here is....God's gift to Earth in his own mind ....DAVID RANDALL!!!!
[Suddenly, without waiting for his own introduction, a 6 foot 10 monster bolts out of the bathroom with a steel chair wrapped in barbed wire! The big guy clocks Randall in the back of the head, sending both Myst and Stacey running for their lives.]
Brian: It's okay, girls! Don't panic! There's plenty of The Brian to go around!
EEE: Uh.and his opponent.
[Eric's lost control all ready as Randall heaves forward and falls on his face on the wooden floorboards. The monster, who is accompanied by a stout man in a badly colored leisure suit, comes from out of the bathroom and yell incoherently at Randall, who is checking the back of his head for cuts.]
Leisure Suit Wearing Guy: Ma name is Stabby McGee, this here's Ziddy Rob-Rob. And you wanna know why we did what we did?
ZRR: Because it's MIDNIGHT!
Toasty: [Checks his watch] It is? It looks more like quarter past nine.
[Eric Eric climbs out of the ring, his smile no longer there because the first introductions were ruined! Ruined, he tells you!
Ziddy picks up the bleeding Randall by the back of the head and whips him into the ring. Rob-Rob rolls under the bottom rope and is quickly back to his feet.]
SMG: Boy, Itellya! You been in a whole worlda hurt after this match.
Jack: What the hell is he saying?
Johnny: Ya got me. He's worse than Boomhauer from King of the Hill.
[Randall starts to get back to his feet, but Ziddy Rob-Rob hooks him under the arms and throws him hard into the turnbuckle. David Randall stumbles back out of the corner, only to be met by a boot to the gut. Ziddy picks up Randal high in the air for a powerbomb.]
Toasty: Down he goes!
[.and delivers the powerbomb down on top of the turnbuckle. Randal flops down to the mat as Ziddy goes down for the pin attempt all ready. Eric "The Eric" Eric, who hasn't left even had the chance to leave the ring, shrugs and decides to use his commissionary position to count the pinfall.
EEE: Holy crap, all ready!? Um. Your winner, folks.Ziddy Rob-Rob!
SMG: And do you wanna know why it was that easy!?
ZRR: Because it's MIDNIGHT!
Toasty: Dude, I'm telling you, it's only sixteen minutes after nine!
[Ziddy climbs out of the ring via stepping over the top rope. He stalks towards Toasty with a mean look in his eye. When suddenly.the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars begins to play. Out comes Dwayne Casey Malone, the Clichéd Villain's official lackey, fully adorned in a The Cheat costume. He holds up a rather ornate, silent movie-style cue card:
IT IS 2004, AND THERE IS TIME FOR.]
Johnny: Something completely different!
Jack: Dude, Monty Python night isn't up yet.
[Dwayne squeaks and gibbers and holds up another card:
THE CLICHED VILLAIN!!!]
Toasty: Oh no, no him!
Zach: Eddie's back!
Jack: Shouldn't we be booing him?
Mikey: Oh yeah!
All 8 College People: BOOOO!!
[Out comes the Villain, resplendent in his traditional tuxedo and top hat, and hypnotically twirling his handlebar mustache. He opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. Dwayne holds up another card, which reads:
Villain: I SAY, NICE WORK ON THIS RANDALL CHAP. YOUR LOT CAN SURE DESTROY THE FORCES OF GOOD, BUT DO YOU HAVE UNIMAGINABLE WEALTH AND POWER?]
Toasty: If he did, he wouldn't be in ISW!
[Dwayne gibbers and squeaks some more, the Villain flaps his gums soundlessly again, and another card is shown:
Villain: .AND BOMBS? I HAVE LOTS OF BOMBS!]
Mikey: Confetti bombs? Lame! Tie Mindy to the railroad tracks or something!
Jack: Do we have railroad tracks?
Zach: Sure, down at the shipping yard.
[The Villain walks around the ring and begins smiling and grimacing at the eight college people in the front row. Toasty reaches up and grabs the Villain's mustache, thinking it's fake. But it isn't, and the Villain grimaces in pain. Dwayne holds up another card.]
THAT 'STACHE BE REAL, NEPHEW!]
Johnny: Quick! Someone tell Abordar! He'll rip it off for real this time!
Toasty: Or tell Moe, the bouncer!
Jack: Hush! We're not supposed to know.
[After recovering a bit, The Villain mouths some more, and Dwayne holds up the final card:
Villain: CONSIDER MAKING ME PART OF YOUR STABLE. YOUR LOVED ONES AND HOUSEHOLD PETS WILL THANK YOU.
[With that, Dwayne and CV leave. Ziddy and Stabby, completely dumbfounded, head back to the bathroom as well, but not before dragging the comatose David Randall with them.]
Steve: Well, that was.
Mikey: Is Randall supposed to be a jobber?
Zach: No.no.I don't think so.
[Eric "The Eric" Eric, who actually never left the ring for such a short match, stays in the ring for the next match. It seems he just can't catch a break doing announcing tonight because.]
"Smooth Criminal" Genshun Osakawa vs. "Babyface" Mitch Brzezinski
Referee: Tony Castillo
Match Writer: Keith McNally
["Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm hits and Triple E dives from the ring, getting himself as far away from Genshun as possible. Genshun moonwalks his way to the ring and rolls inside, taking the ring mic. His music fades and he's about to speak when the sound of a breaking bottle turns all heads toward the bar.
Mitch stands by the bar, surveying the room coldly, holding the remains of a broken beer bottle in his hand. He drops the bottle and walks to the ring, dragging his feet, carrying a blank expression and not meeting anyone's eye. He happens to glance over at a member of Smiles Lost Anonymous and unexpectedly rips the nametag from the guy's shirt.]
(Hi! My Name Is) Jeriah: Hey! What the hell are you doing?
[Mitch pulls a marker from his pocket and leans over a stray table, scribbling out the "Jeriah" and writing "Mitch". He tosses the marker and tries to stick the sticker to his chest. It falls off, so he tries again. The second time it also falls off, so he crumples it up angrily and throws it at Jeriah's head. Jeriah ducks as Mitch's expression returns to a state of glumliness.
He climbs lethargically into the ring and takes the mic. Genshun steps aside with an eyebrow raised.]
Mitch: Folks. (He pauses.) It's done.
Bruno: My verandah? That's great! Did you use a double-coat of sealant like I told you to?
Mitch: No, you lazy old bastard! I never finished your verandah, and I'm never gonna! Maybe if you'd fought in the war instead of running off to Paraguay, you'd know how to build things yourself!
Bruno (shocked): Mitch! What's gotten into you? Are you Scott Bell again? (In a lower tone:) And ixnay on the Araguay-Pay!
Mitch: No, I'm not Scott Bell. I'm still handyman Mitch Brzezinski, and I'm sick of it! All you people ever do is take advantage of me! Mitch, drive me to the hospital! Mitch, supervise my Amateur Kiln-Firers field-trip! Mitch, scrub this vomit-filled urinal with an old tube sock and a bar of complimentary hotel soap!
Tony: I only did that once! It was a busy night, and Norv was tied up trying to book that Swedish Bikini polka band.
Steve: Really? Awesome! What day is that?
Tony: Next Tuesday.
Steve: I'm there!
Mitch: Well you can have those bikini girls dance on your vomity graves, because I'm finished! I'm out! I can't take this anymore! All you people do is take advantage of me, and no good has ever come of it!
Zach: Mitch, come on! That's crazy talk! If we've been a little hard on you we're sorry, but we can change!
Mitch: No, it's too late for that. Mindy's gone. Her hair salon burned down while I was trying to fire-proof it with shoddy materials and improper know-how, and now she won't speak to me. A couple of those coal-miners are in critical condition after being in a car accident that I caused, by trying to operate a garbage truck that I failed to have a proper license to drive. And Riley's cancer, despite my home-brew chemotherapy, has finally spread to his lungs.
[Riley shrugs and picks up a mug.]
Riley: A little beer'll put out that fire!
[He swigs it down, and then starts coughing profusely.]
Mitch (looking softly at Riley): Poor, sweet Riley. I'll miss you most of all. (His face turns hard again.) But that's all I'll miss! This was a crappy town with crappy wings, and I'm tired of your crappy urinals! That's not what urinals are for, you savages!
Genshun: So is that it? You're just gonna moonwalk right out of here?
Mitch: No, I have a match scheduled for tonight and I intend to uphold that agreement. Also, I need the cash to buy a bus ticket out of this jerkwater burg. But I will uphold my verbal contract with Jon Rose in body only! In spirit, I'm already gone.
[Mitch holds his arms out to his sides.]
Mitch: So Genshun -- I'm yours. Do whatever you want to me.
[Genshun surveys Mitch skeptically.]
Genshun: Does anyone have a sailor outfit I could borrow? Preferably a few sizes too small. And maybe a giant lollipop?
Mitch: WRESTLING, Genshun. This is WRESTLING. Focus! Lay it on me. Hit me with everything you've got. I won't raise a hand. Give me some bruises to remind me never to come back to this City!
Steve (to Mikey): Mitch isn't gonna fight back, huh? So how's that different from his usual style of wrestling?
Mikey: Hey, shut up! Don't you get it? Mitch is leaving! This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!
Steve: What about when your grandma died in that freak snowblower accident?
Mikey: Oh yeah... I forgot about that. That was pretty rough, all that red snow... But no! This is definitely much worse!
Zach: Don't do this, Mitch! There's so much to live for! There's...rebuilding Mindy's salon, for instance!
[Mitch's eyes go cold.]
Mitch (to Genshun): Do the deed.
Mitch vs. Genshun
[The bell rings and Genshun goes about the task of dismantling Mitch Brzezinksi with a military-like precision. What follows is a veritable clinic of Genshun's signature spots, including:
Zach: Why, Mitch, why? Fight back!
[The Octopus Hold!]
Mikey: Please, Mitch! You taught me that Santa really is real, and that the spirit of Christmas was inside me all along!
Mitch (grunting, in excruciating pain): I lied. It was all a lie!
Mikey (tears in his eyes): No! I refuse to believe that! Santa *is* real, and you and he are friends!
[The Moonwalk Elbow into the corner!]
Steve: Haha! He moonwalked and then elbowed Mitch right in the face! That's classic!
Mikey & Zach: SHUT UP!
[The Crotch Grab followed by elbow drop!]
Steve: Ahahaha! This is the best match I ever saw!
[The Dreaded Hop Splash!]
Zach (almost crying): Stop! Stop! He's already dead!
[Genshun executes the Power of the Punch w/ Studded White Glove, but at this point Mitch is no longer moving. His limp body lays on the canvas, drool and a little blood running from his mouth.]
Genshun: It's almost over, boys and girls, particularly boys! Just one more move to go...
Zach: OH GOD!!!
Mikey: NO!!! DON'T DO IT!!
[Genshun picks up Mitch's limp body. There's a tiny glint in Mitch's eye, just enough to make it obvious that he's still conscious and still able to feel pain. Genshun climbs to the top rope, dragging Mitch with him. Placing Mitch in front of him and facing out to the crowd, Genshun pulls a white handkerchief from his tights. Realization begins to dawn on the crowd, followed by a wave of boos and pleading.]
Brian: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!!
Johnny: YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!
[Genshun gently places the hanky over Mitch's head, then hooks Mitch's arms in a reverse double chicken wing and hoists him into the air...]
Mikey: I can't look...
ZACH: TOP ROPE BABY DROP!!! AAAAAAAAHH!!!!
[Genshun drops Mitch, and the image of Mitch's face colliding with the floor below seems like slow motion, the moment lasting an eternity in the hearts and minds of the addled crowd, Mitch's head bouncing sickeningly off the wooden floor.]
Zach & Brian (in Joey Styles Stereo): **OH MY GOD!!!!**
[Genshun waves to the crowd as he exits the ring, not even feeling the need to finish the match with a pin. It's clear to everyone present that Mitch is done for, and Genshun continues to smile and blow kisses to his fans as he walks to the kitchen. The college guys spring into action, rushing to Mitch's side. Zach slaps Mitch lightly on the face.]
Zach: Wake up, Mitch! Wake up! Why, god, why? WHY?
Steve (rolling his eyes): Jesus, you guys need to relax. I'm gonna go take a crap in the sink. I mean, toilet. Toilet.
[Steve strolls toward the bathroom whistling as the college guys continue to check on Mitch.]
Mikey: I don't think he can hear us. He's out cold.
Zach: Well, what can we do?
Mitch: [Starts to stir.] Take me...to the bus station. [He then passes out again.]
Zach (lip quivering): I guess that's all we can do. We have to hoour his final wish.
[Brian comes from the kitchen, carrying a make-shift stretcher that Tony had left over from the horrifying Halifax Bum Wars of the summer of '97.]
Brian: Guys, help me get him onto this.
[The college guys lift Mitch onto the stretcher while the entire bar watches, everyone on their feet. The room is deathly silent as Zach, Mikey, Brian and Toasty each hold a corner of the stretcher on their shoulder.
Toasty starts to hum the Optimus Prime death-scene score from Transformers: The Movie. Slowly it catches on, until the entire bar is humming along, the college guys slowly carrying Mitch toward the door. Some fight back the tears. Others aren't so lucky.]
Thorin (watching from the kitchen, tears streaming down his face): Ach, 'tis like a Viking funeral! I was nay this moved when me own father was run over by a herd of wild boars! GOD BLESS YE, MITCHELL BRZEZINKSI! AH'LL BE SEEING YA IN VALHALLA!
[Tony hands a roll of bills to Johnny, the college kid.]
Tony: Here, this is for Mitch. Make sure he gets to the bus station okay, and get him a ticket. Then just put the rest in his pocket.
Johnny (crying openly): Okay, Tony. Okay.
[Johnny walks to the door with the other college guys, where a cab Norv had called has just pulled up.]
Johnny: Get him into the cab and I'll take him the rest of the way. You guys stay here and watch the rest of the matches. It's what Mitch would have wanted.
[The college guys get Mitch into the cab as Bruno stands at attention, saluting Brzezinski.]
Bruno: There goes a hell of a man. Twice the man I ever was. And three times the man Riley was. Riley (with his hand over his heart): That's true. By god, is that true.
[Riley pauses for a moment.]
Riley: Boy, I really hope that cancer thing was a joke.
[The college guys wait until the cab drives off, then go back to their table. They all order another round, and stare glumly into their beer as the rest of the bar slowly returns to normal.
Steve comes back from the bathroom, buttoning his pants, and takes his seat. He takes a big swig of his beer and looks around the bar.]
Steve: So! What'd I miss?
Zach (muttering): I hate you, Steve.
[Tony leans against the bar, a hand on his forehead.]
Tony: What am I gonna do without Mitch? I'm afraid to even go near that bathroom. Norv?
[Norv looks nervously at Tony.]
Tony: You know those extra long rubber gloves we've got? The ones that go up past the elbow?
Tony: Go get 'em. You're gonna need them.
Norv: Oh god...
[Norv disappears into the bathroom as "Push" by Moist suddenly starts up! Oh yeah, it's time.]
Chase Hunter vs. Mark Sherrick
Grudge Match #1 of 5
Referee: Cadwell Warner
Match Writer: Nick Piers
["Push" by Moist continues to play as Chase Hunter pushes his way out of the kitchen doors with a grin on his face. He adjusts the blue leather jacket he's wearing and steps down the aisle. Eric Eric pops back into the ring, microphone in hand. From somewhere upstairs, Cadwell Warner runs down the stairs and dives under the ring, making his first appearance tonight in the black and white striped shirt.]
EEE: The following contest is the first in a series of five grudge matches. The match is for one fall and is under standard Independent Spirit Wrestling rules.
EEE: It's a clean fight.
[Chase slaps the hands of the college guys along the way. He looks way to the back and sees the four old guys and their grandchildren at one table.]
CH: Hey Tony! Or Norv! Get these guys another pitcher of Pepsi, will ya?!
TC: Will do, Chase!
The Old Guys & Grandchildren: All right!
[Chase climbs onto the apron and into the ring. He leans against The Eric, propping himself up via Eric's shoulder. Eric, wearing a big grin on his face, finally gets to do some introductions tonight. Chase whispers into his ear while Eric does the intros.]
EEE: First, now hailing from the greater Halifax metropolitan area.
[Chase whispers some more.]
EEE: Weighing in at two hundred and ten pounds...give or take. [Whisper, whisper.] The greatest prankster of all time. [Whisper.] The most versatile guy of all time. [Whisper.] Kids love him and not in the Genshun Osakawa way! [Whisper] The Great and all powerful and never ending Chase Hunter!!!
[Hunter gives Eric a thumbs-up as he removes his jacket to reveal his wrestling gear: a black and red singlet with leg length tights and matching elbow pads & knee pads. He starts doing some stretches by pulling on the ropes and such. In the meantime...
."Eminence Front" by the Who begins to play in the shoddy Castillo's speakers. The crowd doesn't even give Mark Sherrick the chance to exit the bathrooms.]
The Whole F'N Crowd: ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE! ASS-HOLE!
[Sherrick, though, is completely stone serious. He doesn't flinch when the fans reach for and touch him. He doesn't react to the fans chanting. He looks straight towards the ring, not blinking. His face is pure and utter focus as he climbs up onto the apron and stares at Chase, who's in the ring. Sherrick climbs through the ropes and leans into his corner.]
EEE: [More whispering from Chase Hunter.] And the Versatile One's opponent: From some happy go-lucky subdivision in Hartford, Connecticut; weighing in at a freakishly thin two hundred and fifteen pounds. He's the biggest jackass on the independent wrestling circuit. The big poopyhead himself. "Marky" Mark Sherrick!
[The crowd is roaring with laughter as both Chase and Eric have an incredibly goofy grin on their respective faces the entire time. Sherrick, though, has not moved or reacted to a single bit of it. Eric bows gracefully to the crowd and climbs out of the ring, taking his place at the ring announcer's table. It's the first time ever that he didn't have to fling himself out of the way. And finally.finally.
*Ding, ding, ding.*
The bell has rung and the match is officially under way.]
Steve: Tear him a new one!
Terri: Rip him in half!
EEE: Break one of his hands!
[Sherrick pushes himself out of the corner and to the center of the ring to meet Chase Hunter face to face. He glares at the Versatile One with a deep seeded hatred.]
S: [Gritting his teeth.] You won't make it to the second match.
CH: That right?
S: Oh yeah.
[The two of them circle inside the squared circle a few times. Finally, they meet back in the middle of the ring with a collar/elbow lock up. The fight violently for control, but neither can get the advantage. Sherrick pushes Chase up against the ropes, but neither one of them have broken the lock up. Cadwell Warner, the referee, tries valiantly to break them apart.]
CW: Come on, you two! You're in the ropes, break it up!
Zach: No! Just let him break Sherrick!
Mikey: Kill him!
[Sherrick surprisingly breaks the lock up and takes a few steps away. Chase leans against the ropes for a moment.]
CH: Geez Sherry, I didn't know you wanted to end things so soon.
S: [Completely monotone with no feeling whatsoever.] Shut up.
[Chase meets Sherrick in the middle of the ring again and they lock up for a second collar/elbow lock up. Sherrick drops to one knee, attempting to push into some control. He hops back up, forcing Chase down to one knee. Again, they fight violently, neither of them getting grounds. Sherrick is backed into the corner and this time, it's Chase who backs away.]
Mikey: Man, both of these guys won't give the other an opening.
Zach: Do you blame them? Think of what's at stake.
Jack: What IS at stake, anyway?
Zach: A long, outstanding grudge against one and other.
Jack: Good enough for me!
[Another clean break as neither man takes an opening shot. They meet a third time in the center of the ring with at collar/elbow lock up. Finally, Chase grabs Sherrick's right arm and twists it behind him into a hammerlock. He breaks it suddenly and lets go with a slap to the back of Sherrick's head! The loud slap is heard throughout the entire bar!]
CH: Maybe that'll knock some sense into ya, Sherry!
Toasty: [Like "Dar-yl"] Sherrrrrrrrr-ie! Sherrrrrrrr-ie! Sherrrrr-ie!
S: [Looks to the crowd. Same emotionless voice.] Shut up. All of you.
[The crowd boos in response to this demand as Chase and Sherrick lock up into a collar/elbow lock up yet again.]
Toasty: Get on with it!
Zach: Dude, this is just the build up!
Mikey: Yeah, just go with it!
[Sherrick gets the upper hand this time with a headlock submission. He wrenches it once.twice.three times. Chase tries to fight out of it, but Sherrick holds the lock tight. Hunter backs into the ropes and whips Sherrick into the opposite ropes. Chase drops onto his stomach, which would normally allow Sherrick to hop over him. But Sherrick drops an elbow on the back of Chase's head instead. He follows it up by locking the headlock back on again.]
Mikey: Damn. Sherrick's all business tonight.
Zach: He's always been all business. We've just been heckling him.
[Sherrick wrenches the headlock while Chase stomps his feet in protest. Cadwell drops to his flabby stomach to check for a submission.]
S: No, Warner, he won't submit yet! Piss off!
CW: Far enough, citizen!
[Chase rolls onto his back, taking Sherrick with him and bridging into a pin attempt! Warner is right there. .One! Kickout! Sherrick quickly forces Hunter back onto his stomach and keeps hold of the headlock.]
CW: Chase, do you give?
CH: He told you no!
[Hunter forces a roll over again, but this time, rolls over a second time until he reaches the ropes. He holds onto them while Cadwell begins counting.]
CW: Come on, Sherrick, break it! One! Two! Three!
[Mark Sherrick does indeed break the hold and quickly gets to his feet. He keeps Chase down on the mat with a stomp to his back. He picks Chase up by the long brown hair and whips him into the ropes. Pushing himself off of the opposite ropes, he comes back with a massive spear to Hunter's gut! With the wind knocked out of Hunter, Sherrick goes for the pin!
Mikey: Not even a two count!
Zach: That's more like one and a half.
Johnny: What are you guys? The commentators?
[Mikey and Zach shrug as Sherrick picks Chase up again by the hair and raises a knee into his face. He whips Chase violently into one of the turnbuckles and follows it up by another shoulder tackle into Hunter's gut, taking the wind out of him again.]
Mikey: He's keeping him off balance.
Zach: Yep. Energetic guy like Chase? You have to keep him grounded.
[Sherrick wraps an arm around Hunter's head, runs forward with him and comes down with a big headlock bulldog! Again, he goes for the pin! One! Kickout!]
S: Rrr! Stay down!
[Sherrick finally shows some anger as he grabs Chase by the hair and begins slamming Hunter's head repeatedly into the mat. Every time he does, he screams "stay" and "down" for each impact!]
S: Stay! Down! Stay! Down! Stay! Down!
[Sherrick, again, goes for a pin attempt. One! Two-- Kick out!]
S: [Starting to lose it.] Shut up!
[Sherrick attempts to grab Chase by the hair again, but is met by a right hand! And another! Hunter lets the punches fly wildly, meeting with the skull of Sherrick. Hunter rolls onto his knees, nailing Sherrick with another punch to the gut. Sherrick attempts again to grab Chase by the hair, but is met with a massive European uppercut that takes him completely off his feet! The slapping sound rings through the entire bar.]
[Mark Sherrick tumbles over on his head and is right back on his feet as Chase gets to his, as well. The two of them meet in yet another collar/elbow lock up, which seems to be more violent than the last. Chase back Sherrick into the corner.]
CW: Come on, guys! Break it up! [Counts.] One! Two!
[Hunter backs away some, but only follows that up with a LOUD knife edge chop to the chest of Sherrick!]
[Chase grabs Sherrick by the arm and whips him into the opposite turnbuckle. Hunter, feeling the momentum rising, charges forward, only to be met with a big knee to the jaw. He flops onto his back as Sherrick hooks the leg for a pin.and puts his feet on the ropes for leverage!]
Toasty: Come on, Warner! He's got the ropes!
[One! Two! Kick out!]
Toasty: Never mind!
[Both men climb to their feet again. Sherrick with a right hand! Chase with a left! A right! Left! The two men trade punches that violently shake the ring! The crowd roars, hoping for one man to gain the advantage in this even battle! Sherrick suddenly grabs Chase by the hair and brings a knee hard into Hunter's gut. He backs into the corner behind him, still holding onto the skull of Hunter. He wraps an arm around Hunter's head as he climbs up to the second rope. He pushes off, spinning around and delivering a massive spinning DDT! He goes for the pin! One! Two!! Thr - Kickout!]
[Sherrick slams his hands onto the mat, enraged. He covers Chase again for another pin attempt! One!
Two!! Thr - kick out!]
[Sherrick grabs Chase by the right leg and turns him over onto his stomach. He wrenches the leg back into a single leg Boston crab.]
S: Kick out of this, you bastard! Kick out of this!
CW: Hunter! Do you submit?
CH: Hell no!
[Sherrick wrenches the Boston crab back further as Hunter grimaces in anguish. He slowly pulls himself towards the ropes.but Sherrick drags him back to the center of the ring!]
[Chase suddenly comes alive and whirls around onto his back, breaking the hold! He quickly gets an arm between Sherrick's legs and brings him down with a school boy pin!
One! Tw - kick out!]
[Sherrick rolls backwards and manages to climb to his feet with his back to the ropes. In the kick out, Chase was pushed against the opposite ropes, but he bounces off of them and delivers a big clothesline to Sherrick that takes Mark sailing over the top rope and to the floor! He lands on his feet but.]
Mikey: Incoming! INCOMING!
[Chase comes charging towards Sherrick, leaps over the top rope and squashes Sherrick with the lower half of his body!]
Zach: Tope con hilo!
Johnny: Toe-pay con hee-low?
[Mr. Versatile immediately grabs Sherrick by the hair and rolls him back into the ring. He hops up to the top rope and without missing a beat, flies off with a moonsault! The ring shakes and the chains rattle vigorously from the impact onto Sherrick as Chase goes for a pin attempt! One! Two! Kick out!]
The Whole F'N Crowd: TWO!!!!
[Hunter scoops Sherrick up again to his feet. He hooks Sherrick into a full nelson and is about to deliver his patented dragon legsweep when.]
[Sherrick lifts a leg between Chase's legs and delivers a big low blow! He quickly retaliates by spinning around, leaping in the air and hitting an enziguri kick to the back of Hunter's head. There's a loud snap as foot meets skull and Chase crumbles to the mat. Sherrick goes for another pin attempt. One! Two!! Thr - Shoulder up!]
Crowd: [Getting more excited by the minute.] TWO!!!
Toasty: Man, this shit is awesome!
Zach & Mikey: Told ya.
[Mark Sherrick looks to the crowd and looks down at the prone Hunter. He stalks over to the corner and climbs to the second turnbuckle. He sits there like an eagle perched and ready for flight while Hunter slowly climbs back to his feet.Sherrick takes flight with a flying clothesline. But is caught by Chase Hunter! Hunter catches Sherrick by the arm, whirls around behind him into a full nelson He hoists him up high in the air.And brings him back down with a full nelson suplex rather than the dragon legsweep! Chase goes right into a bridge for a pin attempt! One! TWO! Thr -KICK OUT!]
Mikey: Don't lose it, Chase! You've almost got him!
EEE: Come on, Chase!
[Chase scoops Sherrick back up to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Chase bounces off of the opposite ropes for extra speed. Sherrick leapfrogs over Hunter! Chase bounces off the ropes Sherrick was just thrown into. Sherrick bounces off the opposite ropes this time and meets Chase with a spinning kick! The two of them fall to the canvas, but Sherrick goes for another pin attempt. One!! Two!! Thr - Shoulder up!]
Toasty: Always with the goddamn two's!
[Sherrick picks up Chase off of the mat and returns the favor by whipping Hunter into the ropes. Sherrick, though, makes the mistake of ducking in the hopes of a back body drop. Hunter hooks his arms around the top rope, stopping his forced momentum. He quickly runs over the Sherrick, hooks his arm, and swings a leg over the back of Sherrick's neck. He heaves a bit, about to drop a rocker dropper, otherwise known as the Versatile Drop but.]
[Sherrick grabs both of Hunter's legs and takes him down onto the mat. Still on his feet, Sherrick wraps one of Chase's right leg behind his left knee, rolls him over onto his stomach and into a Texas cloverleaf!! He thrusts a knee into the back of Chase's neck, making it a modification of the Liontamer!]
Mikey: His finisher! Oh shit, this could be it, guys!
Johnny: What's the name of the finisher?
Zach: He doesn't have one.
Toasty: How about the Appendage Breaker? Or the Limb Breaker?
Johnny: Or even the Hunter Breaker?
[Sherrick wrenches the hold back as far as he can. Cadwell is right in Hunter's face.]
CW: Chase! I know what this move feels like! If you tap, I'll understand!
CH: I'm not giving!
S: The hell you aren't!
[Sherrick grabs onto the top rope for leverage! With the aged and blind Cadwell not able to see five feet in front of him, Warner can't see it happening.]
Zach: Come on, ref! He's got the ropes!
[And suddenly, Chase Hunter taps! He can't take the pressure on his legs
*Ding, ding, ding!*]
EEE: The winner of this match as a result of a submission.the breaker of all our hearts.MARK SHERRICK!
["Eminence Front" by the Who starts up again as Sherrick surprisingly breaks the hold. Chase rolls on the mat, grasping his legs and wincing in pain. Sherrick climbs out of the ring, grabbing the microphone on his way out the doors.]
S: I beat you, Hunter. I beat you fair and square. And you know what? I'm gonna make sure I have you for all five matches. I could beat you in three matches in a row.but I won't. I'll make sure I beat the living shit out of you every time.
[Sherrick throws the microphone down on the wooden planked floors.]
S: Chow, people.
[He disappears out the front doors and into the streets of Halifax to celebrate. Chase sits up in the middle of the ring to look at the crowd. His lip curls as his fury rises.]
CH: [Emotionless tone.] All right, Mark, all right. The kid gloves are off. See you in two weeks.
[Chase rolls out of the ring and stalks back to the kitchen.]
Mikey: Man, that was.just awesome.
Zach: Got another four of those to go, too.
Steve: Well, what if one of them wins three in a row?
Mikey: They won't book at that way, I guarantee. That never happens.
Thorin Stonehand vs. Wayne Fenris
Referee: Cadwell Warner
Match Writer: Christian Colde
Match Finish written by: Nick Piers
[Eric "The Eric" Eric returns to us for announcing duties and boy are we glad to have him because, guess what? There's another match coming yonder! No really! I ain't joshin' ya! Don't believe me? Just ask him.]
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for one fall! Coming to the ring, hailing from-
[But he is rudely interrupted as the kitchen doors slam open to a redounding THUD, as nothing less then the "Greased Zebra" himself, Tony Castillo, owner of the Castillo bar & grill, runs to the ring and circles it a few times, slapping the hands of a his fans as he passes by. Sliding under the bottom rope and quickly getting up to his feet, he grabs the nearest ring rope and shakes it violently, as if he had electricity running through his veins.]
EEE: Damn it Tony, quit thinking you're a wrestler alrea-.
Fans: TONY! TONY! TONY! TONY! TONY!
TC: I am..THE UUUUUUUUUULTIMATE..um..Bar Owner?
EEE: Yeah, keep working on that one, pal.
["You ain't nothin' but a Hound Dog" plays through the sound system as this most hated of American dogs walks to the ring.]
EEE: I seem to be interrupted quite frequently around here. Hailing from the Heartbreak Hotel over Blueberry Hill underneath the Blue Kentucky Moon, standing in at 6 foot 1 inch and weighing a hefty 312 pounds, he is the Honky Tonk Werewolf and most certainly NOT anyone else's rip-off, WAYYYYYYNE FENRIS!!!!
[Out comes the Honky Tonk Werewolf himself, wearing his blasphemous American cheap werewolf's mask and the American rhinestone covered jet suit that really accentuates his beer gut. Brandishing one of his American "hare-loom geetars" high in the air, he taunts the very Canadian crowd as he passes them by.]
WF: You evil Soviet Canadians better learn to shut up and respect a true American hero that fought in the war and I killed Vietnam and moon Nazis and all you ever fought was the local checkers club and they kicked your ass because all Canadians are a bunch of horrible pansies that got rejected from the French army! If you liberty-sucking hosers think Canada is so great then tell me why you haven't fought terrorism or won the Superbowl, HUH???
Steve: Because we won bigger things like the world hockey championship. We do better things like doing peace KEEPING, not peace "making".
WF: [Ignoring.] I got my facts straight and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot and a scumbag and sitting on a chair that I may or may not have booby-trapped earlier today!
Crowd: U-ASS-HOLE! U-ASS-HOLE! U-ASS-HOLE!
Brian: Your mother was a stank-ass HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
EEE: And now hailing from Middle Earth, Parts Geeky and standing in at a stout five foot four inches for 195 pounds; don't give him any short talk or "axe" him about what he does, cuz what he does is get the Oscars around here: THORIN STOOOOONEHEAD!
College Guys: ELEV-EN OS-CARS! *Clap, Clap, Clap-clap-clap*
[And out comes the Scottish hymns as Rowdy Roddy Piper gets a conniption and Thorin Stonehead makes his way with about as much body hair on his body as Wayne Fenris has fur on his face. Sorry if your eating while reading this, by the way. Thorin scowls and snorts at the crowd, but you can tell he's the clear crowd favourite around here. Sliding underneath the bottom rope too, he quickly chases Wayne Fenris from the ring and showcases his huge battleaxe in the air. Some of the college students, who are thankfully near the back, stand on their chairs and wave to the audience with their kilts. Yes friends, there seems to be a small section of fans in the crowd devoted to Thorin.]
TS: Har har! Dem kilts be stout, methinks... but enough o' da't... aye, dere be dis lad aboot ter come ter dis ring claimin' ter be some sort o' werewolf... ah donnae aboot all da't but ah do know wan ting... an' da't be ah'll be showin' everywan o' ye hardworkin' lads da't dis "werewulf" be nuffin' but a pussycat!
[Wayne Fenris still has the microphone at this point and complains.]
WF: Woaaaaah momma! Now you just wait one doggone damn dang there minute there! You can't let this little skirt wearing failure of a pasty faced hippy get in the ring like that! I'm an American! I mean, this unwholesome abomination from Uglyland Russia is probably filled with a whole bunch of foreign non-American objects like. like. like that helmet he's wearing! Yeah, he's wearing a helmet!
TC: Oh fer the love of beer, you've been winning all your matches by smashing whomever over the head with your "hare-loom geetars". You even used one on Lark Fenriz. I mean seriously, who needs to use a guitar shot to get a win over LARK FENRIZ?
Crowd: NOT THIS LO-SER! NOT THIS LO-SER!
Tony: My point exactly. So just this once, I'm making this a hardcore match and you two can use just about whatever you want to settle this thing. Just no crying. Anyone who cries gets disqualified pronto.
[Naturally, Wayne Fenris disagrees with this whole affair and steps into the ring to yell about it with the owner of the bar, beer gut to beer gut. And gets blindsided by a battering ram headbutt from Thorin. Correction: helmet assisted battering ram headbutt. Match officially starts as far as everyone else is concerned.]
Jack: Yay Thorin! That's using your head!
Mickey: I do not know you anymore.
[Thorin attempts to capitalize by picking up Wayne Fenris into a bodyslam, but it is obvious that the great bulk of the Honky Tonk Werewolf is making things difficult for the Oscar winning dwarf. Specifically, Thorin gets overwhelmed by Wayne's massive body fat and crumples from the pressure. This qualifies as a pinfall for Wayne Fenris.]
TS: I have fought massive orcs, cruel giants and those big mammoth thingies with the barb wire tusks but I have never, EVER fought such a fatass before
WF: I'm not fat, just big boned.
TS: Bones do not smoosh or blubber around.
[As this continues, Wayne picks up the squished midget while hitting him with some very fancy Asiatic thrusts that could possibly be compared to karate moves if the viewer was living in 1984 and if he were as blind as a bat. Thorin tries to fight back as best he can, but all of his punches reach Wayne's gut and gets absorbed into the rolls of fat around the belly.]
Jim: Ric Flair is made of rubber. Wayne Fenris here is made out of some weird mix of Jell-O and silly-putty.
Mickey: Remember that one Simpson episode when Smithers punched Homer and Smithers's fist-
Jim: Dude, I don't want to even think about it.
[Wayne mocks Thorin as the dwarf desperately tries to free his hand from the Honky Tonk Man impersonator's gut. Bell clap from Wayne stuns the dwarf but fails to free him. So he goes the other route and applies a bear hug on the tiny fellow. Predictable results follow.]
TS: 'elp! 'eeeeeeelp! Ah'm getting' absorbed! Ah don't want to die like this! I wanna to die fightin' orcs and goblins! Not by getting absorbed into the fat of a werewolf Elvis impersonator. 'EEEEEEEELP!
TC: Okay, there is like, NO WAY, that I'm reaching my hand in there to see if Thorin is still conscious, so I'm just going to count to fifteen and if I don't hear anything, I'll just assume that the little bugger got eaten by the blob. That's fine with everyone?
Fred: You just do that.
[But desperation breeds miracles, and just as visions of unearthly doom overcomes Thorin, he finds the will to fight with all of his dwarven might and headbutts Wayne Fenris. This momentarily stops the absorption process, so Thorin gives it another go. Fans cheer on as Thorin affixes the helmet over his head before snapping a third headbutt, followed by a fourth. By the fifth, the dwarven hero is free, the werewolf is shaken (not stirred) and Thorin runs to the ropes and comes back with a big shoulderblock! Then he gets bounced around like a pinball over the girth of Wayne Fenris. Wayne applies a seated chinlock.]
Zach: Oh come on already! You barely moved in the entire match and you're going for a RESTHOLD again?
Wayne: I'm an American, I don't have to work! Viva Bush!
[Thorin waves his arms, looking for support from the fans. They chant back as Thorin gets up to one knee, trying to elbow his way out of this predicament until he remembers what happened last time he tried to hit
Thorin in the stomach. Instead, he forces to get enough breathing space so as to reverse into an arm wringer and pulls Wayne in for a running bulldog. The impact shakes the ring to its very foundation as Thorin covers.]
Mickey: Come on Thorin, feel the power of Peter Jackson flowing through you!
Zack: You have to win this. FOR PETE'S SAKES!
[Thorin gets up and picks his opponent from the canvas, but Wayne shows some actual quickness and grabs Thorin for a series of short arm shoulder thrusts before applying a headlock in which he takes a lot of pride for.]
WF: You see this, you bunch of worthless camel humping losers? This is real AMERICAN wrestling, not any of your commie nonsense with the flying and the running around and the moving and the wrestling; I'm talking REAL wrestling here! The way it was meant to be!
TC: Actually, this is a hardcore match, so really, if you could start using.something, hell anything, we'd all be mighty happier here.
[Wayne raspberries the referee, which you have to admit is a cute way to rebuke someone.]
Terri: Okay, that was just.
Toasty: You guys finishing each other's sentences or something?
Steve: We're not.
[Thorin suddenly executes a miracle. A true, honest to God miracle. He actually belly to back suplexes Wayne Fenris. For real. Bigger miracle: the ring does not collapse under his own weight. Both men are down, but Thorin gets up at the five count.and slips outside to grab a two-by-four, swinging it around in the air in some bizarre ironic statement of cultural appropriation. He returns to the ring.but Wayne Fenris has disappeared from the ring!]
Eddie: He's just outside, opposite of where you found the two-by-four.
Thorin: Oh, okay, thanks.
Wayne: DAMNIT, DON'T TELL HIM WHERE I'M HIDDING! I'M AN AMERICAN!
[Thorin walks over to the other side of the ring, but Wayne Fenris surprises him with a shot from one of his heirloom guitars!]
Steve: What do you know; Wayne Fenris found some weapons of mass destruction.
Johnny: And appropriately enough, they were hidden in his own territory the whole time.
Billy: How politically ironic!
Mickey: We're the freakin' New Englander magazine over here!
[Thorin stumbles around the ring. The helmet seems to have blunted the force of the guitar shot. Meanwhile, Wayne seems to have overestimated the force of his own blow and swaggers back inside to finish off Thorin with the Shake, Rattle and Roll-over and play dead. Wayne of course misjudges the health of his opponent as the stealthy dwarf goes around the big man and hits an inverted DDT! He's climbing to the top turnbuckle, two-by-four in hand!]
Bruno: Dear lord no! The force of the top rope flying headbutt.added to that of the helmet.added to that of a two-by-four. WILL CAUSE A NUKULAR EXPLOSION OF CATACLISMIC OVERKILL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Arthur: It's pronounced "nuclear". As in New-Clear, with "clear" being spread out in two syllables-
[Thorin jumps. Wayne rolls away, probably searching for some pills he left outside the ring. The results are pathetically tragic. Wayne returns to find his opponent knocked out.]
WF: Dangnabbit, I've never worked with anyone as goddamn lazy as to take a full blown NAP in the middle of the ring. That's just disgusting professional discourtesy. Might as well finish stuff.
Jack: Don't forget to do it in the ring!
[Wayne adds injury to insult by dropping a knee on the fallen warrior. Judging that the time is right, Wayne tugs at the helmet while planting his feet on Thorin's shoulder blades, which seems to hurt as heck, and probably does.]
Toasty: Oh my god! He pulled Thorin's head right off!!!
Steve: He did? Funny, it looks like only the helmet came off.
Toasty: Well, whadya know. You're right.
[Fenris dives to the edge of the ring and hoists up the ring apron, beginning to pull out a second heirloom guitar. Suddenly, much to the delight of the crowd, Thorin rolls over to the opposite side of the ring and lifts up his own apron.er.not his kilt.]
Steve: Shouldn't they see each other from under the ring?
Toasty: Shh, don't spoil the ending!
WS: Now yer about ta feel the REAL pain of a gee-tar!
[The Waynester whips around and swings the guitar without even looking. SMASH!]
WF: The hell!?
TS: Ach! That be the second helmet yer ruined today, boyo!
[The guitar shatters all over the ring, leaving bits of wood all over the place. Fenris is in shock of having to ruin TWO precious, but cheap, guitars. Thorin managed to throw his new helmet onto his skull before Fenris
Toasty: He was playing possum!
WF: Shut up! Ah don't wanna know dat!
Crowd: [w/Toasty] Pawwwwww-sum! Pawwww-sum! Pawwww-sum!
[Fenris, distracted by the crowd for the first time in this match, is suddenly bitten in the knees! Thorin opens his gaping maw and allows the entrance of ligament cartilage.]
Jack: Sir! We've got a biter!
[Thorin, with a revived sense of fury, hooks both of Fenris' arms in a familiar maneuver for those familiar with a guy who used to carry a mannequin head around. What follows? Headbutt after headbutt after headbutt! Wham, wham, wham! There's a small "pang!" noise made as the helmet crunches Fenris' hard skull. Finally, Thorin releases Fenris, who flops down onto the mat in a mess of facial blood and gastric blubber. Thorin with the pin! One!! Two!! THREE!! *Ding, ding, ding!*]
EEE: The winner of this match and our new werewolf slaying ogre.
Jack: He's a dwarf!
EEE: [Fixing it without missing a beat].dwarf! THORIN STONEHAND!
[The crowd breaks out into a menagerie of cheers for a match that has been ridiculously silly, but fun all the same. Thorin raises both arms in the air, allowing his massive tufts of armpit hair to roam free. The crowd applauds and clinks their glasses together. Meanwhile, Fenris is still in the ring and trying to get to his feet. He rolls over and sees all the wood particles sprinkled around the ring.]
WF: Mah gee-tar! Mah precious gee-tar! You'll pay for this one, dwarf!
[Fenris gathers up as much wood bits as he can and sobs his way back to the bathroom.]
Mikey: Man, I thought for sure they'd be going for a different ending there.
Zach: Yeah, but come on. That match was all Fenris. What the hell kind of ending were you expecting?
Mikey: I don't know. That Thorin turns out to be some idiot named Fistandilus?
Zach: Man, thank God ISW has editors to weed out for crap like that.
Mikey: No kidding. Can we move on?
[Indeed we can! As Eric "The Eric" Eric has stepped into the ring for more ring announcing goodness! And there was much rejoicing. Much rejoices indeed because now, it's time.]
Mikey: What's left for the card?
Zach: Man, I don't know. There's been some good stuff going on. So let's see, we've had the Couch...
Mikey: .Rookie Debut match, Mitch leaving.
Jack: Dwarf versus werewolf.
Johnny: Chase/Sherrick, round one.
Mikey: That leaves.oh my.
[Mikey starts to break out into a cold, excited sweat.]
Zach: Mike? You okay, dude?
Mikey: The-the-the.the Iron Man Match.
Jon Rose Invitational Tournament Final
The Iron Man Match
Little Blue Super Jew vs. Brother Superior
Referee: Surprise Guest
Match Writer: Nick Piers
[Eric "The Eric" Eric stands poised and ready in the center of the ring. For the moment, despite wearing a t-shirt and jeans, he even has a clip-on bowtie hooked onto the collar of his shirt.]
Crowd: ER-IC! ER-IC! ER-IC!
EEE: Come on, guys, this ain't about me.
The Whole F'N Crowd: ER-IC! ER-IC!
EEE: [Smiling from ear to ear.] Ladies and gentlemen! It is now time.for the MAAAAAIN EVENT!
[The entire bar erupts into cheers and the sounds of glasses clinking together.]
EEE: The rules are as follows: The match has a half hour time limit. The match is based on a point basis. Either opponent can gain a point by any means that fall under standard professional wrestling rules. A pin fall and submission will. If your opponent is disqualified or counted out, you gain a fall. The man with the most falls after half an hour will be declared the winner.and the first.champion over Independent Spirit Wrestling!
[The crowd gives another round of cheers and glass clinking.]
Crowd: EYE-RON MAN! EYE-RON MAN!
EEE: But first.
[The crowd quiets down.]
EEE: .first, I would like to personally invite our special guest referee for this match.
Mikey: So we're not getting either Tony or Cadwell?! That's a first!
Zach: Do we have time to put down bets?
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, please WELCOME BACK.the owner formally known as the Two Hundred Percent Man.
[The crowd gets to their feet about to applaud!]
EEE: Your guest referee for this evening.JON ROSE!!!
[Without any music, Jon Rose steps through the double plastic doors of Castillo's kitchen. He gives a little two finger salute and climbs into the ring. Being the special guest referee, Rose has chosen the usual referee
attire of the black pants and black & white striped t-shirt. Eric is about to embrace Rose in a hug, but suddenly bolts back and sticks a right hand out for a hand shake. Rose, naturally, returns the favor and stands in the corner of the ring.]
EEE: And now, for the competitors. First, from Winnipeg, Manitoba! Weighing in at a superior two hundred and thirty two pounds! BROTHERRRRRRRR! SUPEEEEEEEERIOR!
["You're the Best Around" by Peter Cetera plays. Brother Superior walks out in his bulletproof vest and, before entering the ring takes it off, throwing it to a fan, for the first time ever fighting with no real weaknesses. He grabs the microphone from Eric Eric.]
Zach: Wahoo! I've got a free bulletproof vest!
BS: This is a one time deal, Little Blue Super Jew! You may never get a chance to fight me like this again. You've seen that since this tournament has begun, I've defeated all of my foes while I was handicapped. And now there's no one left. This is the chance that few wrestlers from this or any other federation will get. Take it! Sink your teeth into me, if you can! I'M KOSHER!
[As if on cue, "Creeping Death" by Metallica starts up in the bar. And out of the door, the Little Blue Super Jew pushes the doors open. He is calm, collected.and wiping some hot sauce off of his lips with a napkin.]
Mikey: MY HERO!
[Super Jew tosses the napkin aside and climbs into the ring without giving it a second thought. He steps into his own corner and waits for the bell to ring. Neither he nor Superior have unlocked the focused glare from each other.]
EEE: His opponent! From Tel Aviv, Israel. Weighing in at two hundred and thirty six pounds! The LITTLE! BLUE! SUPER JEW!
[The Blue Bomber turns around and raises an arm in the air to the fans.and suddenly, Brother Superior pounces on him with his back turned! Eric Eric dives out of the ring and to the timekeeper's table. *Ding, ding, ding!*]
Mikey: And this match is officially underway! Come on, David!
[Superior crashes into Super Jew with a big splash into the corner! The Superior One turns Blue around and fires a big forearm into Blue's face!]
JR: Come on, get out of the corner! You've now got half an hour to beat him!
[Superior grabs Blue by the arm and whips him hard into the opposite corner! Blue stumbles out of the corner, but is taken down onto his back with a clothesline from Brother Superior! The Superior One with the pin, all ready! One!! Tw - Kick out!]
Mikey: Come on, Blue! Pull it together!
[Superior, not missing a single beat in a surprisingly fast paced assault, charges towards the ropes, leaps off of the second rope and comes back with a flying back elbow to Super Jew!]
Jack: Goddamn, he's fast.
Johnny: Those weights really WERE holding him down.
[Brother Superior, quick as a hiccup, climbs to the top rope and waits on his perch for Super Jew to get to his feet.]
Mikey: Get up, Blue! And look out!
[Blue turns around as Superior leaps into the air for a crossbody.but is caught in mid-air! Super Jew holds him in a bodyslam position for a moment, then tips him on his side and drives Superior's head down hard into the mat!]
Mikey: The Kabbalah Krush!
Toasty: Dude, do you have a name for ALL of his moves?
Mikey: Hey, Captain Wonder has the Wonder something for all of his moves, right?
[Rather than go for a pin attempt, though, the Blue Bomber wraps his legs around Superior's waist in a body leglock. Superior tries to break free, but Super Jew gives a couple of right hands to a most superior skull indeed.]
BS: Grash.gruh! .damnit, I demand you release me!
LBSJ: Heh, not likely.
[Super Jew fires away at Superior's skull. Finally, Superior rolls to his side and grabs the ropes.]
JR: Okay, Blue, let 'em go.
[Super Jew does indeed release the hold. Superior quickly bolts to his feet, runs up the turnbuckle and moonsaults off the top rope and onto Super Jew! He suddenly goes for the pin! One! Two!! Thr - Kick out! The Little Blue Super Jew not only kicks out, but he sends Superior flying over the middle ropes and onto the floor.]
Mikey: Woot! Now that's a kick out with authority!
Toasty: Respect his author-ah-tay!
[Superior, still without missing a beat, leaps up onto the apron.but the Super Jew is back on his feet as well. He hooks Superior under the arms and lifts him HIGH into the air, over his head and sends him crashing down into the center of the ring!]
Brian: Isn't that the Exodus Plex?
Mikey: No no. That's a belly to BACK suplex, not an overhead belly-to-belly.
Brian: [Sarcastically] Oh, well gee. My mistake.
[The Jewish One quickly takes advantage of the prone Superior, grabs the right leg, drops onto his back himself and locks both legs around Superior's right. With a simple leg lock, he holds Superior in that submission position.]
JR: Superior, do you quit?
Mikey: Are you sure? It only gets worse from here!
[Superior fights as much as he can to break the hold! He rolls over to his stomach, forcing Super Jew to do the same, but the Blue Bomber gets to his feet with Superior's leg still in hand. He then wrenches back with a half crab!]
JR: Do you give?
BS: No, buzz off, Rose!
[Again, he fights to free himself of the submission but to no avail. Superior reaches back and grabs one of Blue's legs and takes him off his feet by hauling on it. The Superior One grabs both of Blue's legs and sits back into a Boston crab!]
Zach: Ooh, nice reversal.
Mikey: Yeah, we still got another twenty five minutes before this match is over.
Johnny: Has it been five minutes all ready?
Mikey: Submissions help to eat up time.
[Super Jew tries to push himself out of the Boston crab, but is still trapped in it. He then tries again, but this time, starts to crawl and arch himself between Superior's legs.he not only breaks the hold, but uses his leg strength to throw Superior down onto the mat into a twisted sunset flip pin! One! Two! Thr - kickout!]
Mikey: Damn! So close.
[Both men bolt to their feet, but Superior is just a hairline quicker as he levels Super Jew with a forearm to the head. He grabs Blue by the arm and whips him hard into the turnbuckle. The ring shakes and rattles, but fortunately, it does not roll. Ba-dum-bum ching.]
Mikey: Heads up, Blue!
[Superior charges in the hopes of a tackle similar to what Sherrick did to Chase Hunter earlier in the night. But Blue moves out of the way, sending Superior shoulder first into the ring post! Blue pulls Superior out of the corner by the tights, whirls him around. He hooks an arm over his head and delivers a big Northern Lights Suplex and into a bridge!]
Mikey: The Menorah Lights Suplex!
[Everyone in the bar groans at this name, but regardless, there's a pin count! One!!! Two!!! THREE!!!!]
Crowd: HO-LEE SHIT! HO-LEE SHIT!
EEE: The winner of the first fall in this match at eight minutes and twenty seconds.THE LITTLE BLUE SUPER JEW!
[The Super Jew, not missing a beat, breaks out of the bridge and immediately locks Superior's arm into an armbar. For extra measure, Blue plants both of his feet into the neck and under the arm of Superior.]
BS: Damnit, Rose, don't tell me I lost a fall.
JR: Yep. You're down one nothing.
BS: [Whispers to himself.] Shit.
[Blue wrenches Superior's arm back further. He suddenly breaks the hold, but holds the arm down on the mat. He leaps up into a handstand and right back down into a knee drop into the shoulder! The Super Jew wrenches back on the arm and goes right back into the same armbar hold.]
Toasty: Soo-Per Jew! Soo-Per Jew!
Crowd: SOO-PER JEW! SOO-PER JEW!
[Superior clambers to his feet, his arm still in the grip of the Super Jew. He suddenly puts all of his weight down onto Blue's legs, forcing them open.and delivers an elbow directly to the crotch of the Little Blue Super Jew!]
JR: Where'd he hit!?
LBSJ: [Groans incoherently.]
BS: S'okay Rose, it was just the gut.
Crowd: Bull-SHIT! Bull-SHIT!
[Brother Superior grabs the Super Jew by both of the legs, falls back and sends Blue flying into the turnbuckle behind Superior! The force ends up stumbling Blue backwards and right into a roll-up pin by Brother Superior! The pin! One!!! TWO!! THREE!!!]
EEE: The winner of the second fall at ten minutes and forty two seconds..BRUH-THER SOO-PER-IOR! The score is now even: one to one.
Zach: I'm getting pretty impressed by Superior, guys.
Mikey: You would! First you cheer Abordar, now Superior! You'd be all real happy if they were a tag team or something, wouldn't you!?
[Superior quickly stands back up, scooping LBSJ up at the same time. He fits Blue's head between his legs, scoops him upside down and. BAM! He drives Blue down with a massive piledriver into the mat that shakes the ring. Again, he goes for the pin. One! Two! KICK OUT! The whole bar goes nuts!]
Mikey: Woo! GO EL-BEE-ES-JAY!
Zach: Geez, calm down before you hurt yourself or someone else.
[Superior picks Super Jew up to his feet again and whips him into the ropes. He scoops LBSJ into a tilt-a-whirl..NO! The Blue Bomber continues to spin until he rests his feet on the mat. In the same motion, Superior's feet leave the mat to the point that he's upside down! The Super Jew drives Superior's head down into the mat with a tombstone piledriver! And the pin! One!! Two!! THREE!!!]
EEE: The winner of the third fall at twelve minutes and twelve seconds.The
Little Blue Super Jew!
Johnny: What's the score now?
Jack: Blue's winning two to one.
[The Super Jew pulls Brother Superior to his feet and whips him into the ropes himself, this time. The Super Jew ducks down, Superior leaps over him, bouncing off of the opposite ropes. Brother Superior, though, charges forward with a flying clothesline that takes the LBSJ down to the mat. Superior with the pin. One! Two!! Thr - Shoulder Up!]
BS: Stay down!
Toasty: Whoa, déjà vu.
[Superior, with LBSJ down for the moment, begins climbing to the top rope.]
JR: Come on, Superior, get down! [Counts.] One! Two!
BS: Oh very good, Rose! You can count past one!
[He leaps off the top rope and comes barreling down onto Super Jew's chest with a double fist strike!]
Zach: The Superior Finisher!
[And the Superior One goes for the pin! One!! Two!!! THREE!]
EEE: The winner of the fourth fall, leaving us tied at two-two at fifteen minutes and fifty seven seconds..BRUH-THER SUPERIOR!
[The Little Blue Super Jew, clutching his chest, slowly climbs to his feet as Brother Superior waits to pounce from behind. Blue makes it to his feet, but Superior is on him like spam on e-mail and locks him into a Royal Octopus submission hold! The Super Jew screams in agony as Superior wrenches the hold.]
Mikey: Don't lose it, Blue!
Brian: [Waterboy Impression.] YOU CAN DO IT!
[Jon Rose closes in on Blue while the submission hold is wrenched further.]
JR: Blue, do you give?
LBSJ: Never! Not for all the dreidles in the world!
[The Royal Octopus is wrenched even further andSuper Jew taps on Rose's shoulder!]
EEE: The winner of the fifth fall via a submission at sixteen minutes and twenty three seconds.BRU-THER SUPERIOR!
Zach: Damn man, he's just dominating Blue.
Mikey: [Face in his hands.] I know, I know.
Johnny: And that makes it?
Jack: Superior in the lead at three to two.
[But Superior doesn't release the hold! In fact, he grabs onto the ropes behind him for extra leverage! Mikey tries screaming to Rose, but the boos of the crowd are too loud for Rose to hear! And unfortunately because of that.Super Jew taps a second time on Jon Rose's shoulder!]
EEE: The winner of the sixth fall via another submission at seventeen minutes.Brother Superior! The score is now four to two in Superior's favor.
Mikey: He had the damn ropes!!!!!
[Sure enough, Rose turns his head and looks past Superior to see the hand indeed on the top rope. He runs over and kicks Superior's hand off of the top rope! The sudden kick leaves Brother Superior without any balance and he topples not only off of his feet, but under the top rope and onto the floor!]
Zach: Come on, Brother! Get up! I'm a follower, now!
Mikey: Get after 'em, Blue! You have to catch up!
JR: [Counting BS out.] One! Two! Three! Four!
[Indeed, the Super Jew does climb out of the ring and grab onto Superior by his blonde curly hair. He hoists him up into a powerslam position...and runs Superior back first into the ring post! Following that? He keeps Superior in the same position.and drives him down onto the floorboards with a powerslam with a thunk!]
Crowd: Ho-Lee Shit! Ho-Lee Shit!
JR: Five! Six! Seven!
[Super Jew dusts off his hands and rolls back under the middle rope just as.]
JR: Eight! Nine! TEN!
EEE: The winner of the seventh fall, bringing the score up to four to three at twenty minutes and fifty five seconds.the Little Blue Super Jew!!!
Mikey: RIGHT ON!!
[Superior slowly climbs to his feet once hearing that. The announcement of another loss seems to have fueled some strength in him. He slowly clambers up onto the apron.just as the Super Jew also climbs out of the ring and onto the apron. The Blue Bomber grabs Superior by the head and scurries up the ring post via the side of the turnbuckles!]
Mikey: Incoming! The David and Goliath! W.
[But Mikey's cut off as right in front of him, Brother Superior frees himself of the face lock and sends the airborne Super Jew crashing back first onto the floorboards!! Superior climbs back into the ring just as.]
JR: Seven! Eight! Nine.
EEE: The winner of the eighth fall at twenty one minutes and three seconds, leaving the score at five to three.Brother Superior!!!!
[Superior, beginning to get winded, climbs out of the ring, scoops the Super Jew up and rolls him back into the ring. He pulls Blue up by the hair.and locks a bearhug on him!]
Mikey: A bearhug!? At this point in the match!?
Zach: Why not? He's in the lead by two falls!
[Superior's not happy with just a simple bearhug, though! Oh no siree! He begins delivering a series of headbutts to the Super Jew's skull! One! Two! Three! Four headbutts and more!]
Mikey: Damnit, no!
[Superior wrenches on the bearhug, focusing on the submission aspect of it now. Blue begins to flop into an unconscious slumber. Jon Rose lifts Super Jew's arm once..it falls. Lifts it a second time..falls.Lifts it a third time?..falls.]
EEE: The winner of the ninth fall at twenty four minutes and fifty seconds, leaving the score at six to three.Brother Super.
[The Little Blue Super Jew suddenly comes alive! He delivers a massive uppercut that breaks the hold! Superior stumbles backwards only to be met by a martial arts kick to the head.then another! Then a third kick right to the gut! And another uppercut! Superior is reeling big time! Blue keeps the pressure going with an Asiatic thrust to the throat!]
Mikey: Woo! Look at 'em go!
[And a roundhouse kick that nearly takes Superior's head off, but the Superior one is still standing! A huge thrust kick to the head that sends Superior reeling back into the ropes. Super Jew isn't letting up as he locks Superior into a headlock which is followed by a punch to the forehead while in that headlock! Superior reels back against the ropes again!]
Mikey: Don't waste time; we're at twenty seven minutes!
[Super Jew winds up his right arm as if he were a baseball pitcher and delivers.a HEART PUNCH! Superior flops to the canvas with a thunk and a rattle as Blue goes for the pin! One!!! TWO!! THREE!!!!!]
LBSJ: I call that little display the Ten Commandments.
Mikey: And WHAT a display!
Zach: Come on, Brother! Get up! You're still in the lead!
EEE: The winner of the tenth fall, as a result of a pinfall at twenty eight minutes and fifteen seconds. The score is now six to four in favor of Brother Superior.
[Blue, trying to capitalize, pulls Superior to his feet and whips him into the ropes.but Superior reverses, barely having any energy left in the tank. Brother Superior, exhausted, puts his head down as the Super Jew leaps over him..but Super Jew stops dead in his tracks, turns around..and locks Superior's arms into a Wakigitame armbar!!]
Mikey: Oh man! Here it comes! A minute and a half to go!
[Super Jew falls on his back, taking Brother Superior with him! He holds the lock in place with one arm while simultaneously locking the other arm with his legs. He then wrenches back on both arms, creating a double Wakigitame Arm-lock on the Superior One!!!!]
Mikey: The Arm Bah Mitzvah!
Zach: Don't tap now, Superior!!!
[But it's too late! After the shoulder injury from earlier and the grueling match, Brother Superior taps like a madman!]
EEE: The winner of the eleventh fall at twenty nine minutes and thirty seconds, giving him one win short.the Little Blue Super Jew!!!
[And much like the Octopus Hold that was put on him, The Super Jew doesn't let go!!!! But Superior's not submitting a second time!!]
Mikey: Tap! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP!
Zach: Don't quit on me now, Superior!
[But he does! Superior taps a second time!]
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the time limit has expired!
[The crowd dies down into a low murmur. Super Jew collapses with both arms outstretched. Superior has not moved an inch either and is actually still laying on top of his opponent.]
EEE: I'd like to inform you all that the last submission...COUNTS!
[Every single customer at Castillo's Bar and Grill go into an orgasmic cheers and applause!]
It came in at twenty nine minutes and fifty eight seconds! This match will continue into SUDDEN DEATH!
[The Little Blue Super Jew suddenly comes alive and locks the Arm Bah Mitzvah back on Brother Superior!]
BS: AW CRAP!!!
Mikey: Yes! Tap, you so-called superior bastard! TAP!!!!!
[Brother Superior is now screaming in pain, refusing to tap now while the pressure is on!]
Zach: Come on, man! You've proven me a believer!
Mikey: Tap, you goddamn egotistical bastard!
[And yes friends, in all my life, I have never seen anything like this happen in my entire life..for in this Ironman Match, after everything is said and done, this one moment will be remembered in the history of Independent Spirit Wrestling. For Brother Superior tapped.]
Mikey: YEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!! YES YES YES YES!!
Zach: Damn fine match. All the other college guys: Damn right.
[The Super Jew collapses again in the center of the ring as Jon Rose rolls Brother Superior out of the ring and into the hands of Moe, the bouncer. Moe throws Superior over his shoulder and back into the kitchen for probably some medical assistance.
The entire crowd here at Castillo's Bar & Grill is on their feet and clapping their hands loudly. Eric "The Eric" Eric grabs a black carrying bag and climbs into the ring. He hands the bag over to Jon Rose, who unties the bag and pulls out the eagle shaped belt that has no designs on it for the moment.]
EEE: Ladies and gentlemen, your first ever champion of Independent Spirit Wrestling..THE LITTLE BLUE SUPER JEW!!!
[The applause grows louder as Eric Eric helps Blue to his feet. Rose shakes Super Jew's hand and throws the championship belt over Super Jew's shoulder. Eric hands the Little Blue Super Jew the microphone and joins Jon Rose as they both climb out of the ring and join in the applause.]
LBSJ: [Belt in hand, gleaming with sweat as he addresses the Castillo's crowd.] There is little I can say at this moment, friends; save for that for all my talk of leaning towards retirement, for all the times I've said that this was going to be my final run, this - THIS - [indicating belt] makes me feel that same passion I've felt these past fifteen years in wrestling all at once! If - and I mean IF - this really is my final run, I promise everyone here, that with my new title, the best title I've ever earned, my.Supreme Championship.I'm going to take you, and you, and you, and you, and we're going to go on a ride that we're never going to forget!! In the words of Aerosmith, I am Back in the Saddle again!
(Little Blue Super Jew holds his title aloft; a smile on his face as he basks in the warmth of victory. The title in one hand. A beer taken from a passing waitress's tray in the other.)
LBSJ: TO ISW!
Crowd: TO EYE-ESS-DUBYA!!!
LBSJ: BOTTOMS UP!!
[And thus the newly-crowned Supreme Champion begins the first of many long toasts to his fledgling title reign.]
©2004 BOB Wrestling. If not completely confused, spin around three times and click your knuckles together.