DETH AND TEXAS.. THE ONLY SURE THINGS IN LIFE... (plus the occassional hangover)...
(Cheap pyro erupts as we pan the interior of The Big Barn, just outside of Deth, Texas. Fans are hanging from the rafters.. literally.. seats cost extra in this arena. Signs-a-gogo.. including a dorky kid wayyy at the back reading "I wish I brought some binoculars!")
MM: WELCOME EVERYONE! To A NEAR DETH EXPERIENCE!!
SW: Wow, Mike, how did you do that?
MM: What? The Deep, scary voice? Easy!
SW: Like this?
MM: Not even close, Scotty.. Well, as I was saying.. welcome to the outskirts of Deth, Texas for BOB's greatest Pay-Per-View EVER! I'm Mike "El Monotone" Monroe, along with Scotty "I Have My Own Show Now" Whatbody, and "Mr IQ" GBH!
GBH: Duh.. yurrrr.. duh.. I'm not wearing. Underpants. Hur hur...
MM: Thanks for that.. This promises to be a real barn-burner..
SW: I'd watch those metaphors in THIS arena...
MM: ... culminating in the Justin Voss/Bobo Fiendish cage match! But first off, it's the Curtain Jerkers.. sorry, I meant the up-and-coming talent of BOB!!
SW: Way to make the talent feel appreciated, Mike..
MA: Ladies and gentlemen!! The following is our opening match.. and it will be contested under "Pants-Your-Opponent-To-Win" rules! The winner will be that man who can.. well, work it out, people! Introducing first, currently residing in Hollywood, California.. the self-proclaimed "Heavyweight Champion" of BOB.. DAVIDDDD HASSLEHOFF!
(Eddie B. makes a small faux pas as he accidently cues up the "Beverly Hills 90210 Theme".. he misread the track listings on his "Cheesy T.V Themes" CD... David heads to ring, along with his "people". He looks slightly aggrieved to be wrestling someone who's NOT in the JWO.)
David: This IS a non-titled match, right?
MA: Whatever, Hallucination Boy. And his opponent.. from Alabama.. BILLY BOB!
("Achy-Breaky Heart" plays to a pretty good reception.. we are in Texas after all.. Billy Bob saunters down to ringside.)
MM: Here we go, folks! The first match of the evening.. the bell rings.. and David launches a spinning heel kick out of nowhere! It would have been more effective if Billy Bob had actually got into the ring first, but you have to give him points for effort..
SW: Minus several million for good thinking, though...
GBH: Duh. WHOO! Duh. Little guy hitting Bobo. Hit hit hit...
MM: Oh, for heveans sake, get him on the right page of the script, Scotty.. he'll give away the ending! Billy Bob is in the ring at last.. David was waiting for him.. SPEAR! On the ringpost! Where do we find these guys?
SW: That'll teach us to advertise on the internet.. all sorts of weirdos turn up..
(Shot of The Amazing Inbreds sitting at ringside.)
Uncle Junior: Paw! Ya reck'n Billy Bob's keeyn?
Cousin Pa: Hard ta tayell.. him's from Alabaama..
(Back to the ring)
MM: Billy has taken the advantage of David's incompetence! Headbutt! Elbowshot right between the eyes!
David: Not the face! Not the face!
SW: Big pump-handle slam! Drops a tree-trunk-like leg onto Germany's favourite recording star!
MM: Is that really true?
SW: Sure.. after Kraftwerk.. and Falco.. and Christine Aguilera...
MM: Fair enough.. David fires back with a weak punch to the abdominals.. He's gotten hold of Billy Bob's pants! Can he do it? Can he down-trou the big man?
SW: Uh.. I think he'll have trouble... Billy Bob is wearing overalls..
MM: Nice spotting, Scotty. Billy siezes David in a vice-like grip and hauls him up for a huge powerbomb! David's in big trouble! He's crawling to the outside. Double B gives him a boot to the pants for good measure!
SW: David's gone nuts! He talking into his watch.. He must be punchdrunk... I didn't see him get hit that hard in the head! Billy Bob follows him out into the aisle!
MM: Wait a minute! There's a car driving down the ramp! There's no-one inside it! Billy Bob's right in the way!
MM: Billy had no place to go! He's down and it looks like he's out! David crawls over.. it's a simple task for him to drag Billy's overalls down to his ankles! This one is over!
MA: Here is your winner.. and somehow, still undefeated.. DAVID HASSLEHOFF!
DH: Thanks, KITT..
Car: You're welcome, Michael..
DH: It's David! David! I'm a star! A great big.. (passes out)
MM: Well, that was bizarre.. but you haven't seen anything yet! Next up is our Scaffold Match..
(The Flunky appears in shot.)
Flunky: Hey, guys we finally got our monitors out of hock.. here you go!
SW: You're kidding! This really IS the greatest Pay-per-View EVER!
GBH: Duh.. Billy hitted David. Hitty, hitty, hitty!
FANS! It's the "YET TO BE NAMED GREATEST TOUR OF THE STATES EVER!" Well, kinda. Coast to coast, all the grudges, every match a main event! Gimmick matches, gadget matches, book matches (in case of power failure), matches you'll see only in BOB, and maybe some slightly variated ripoffs! Because...nobody else would dare risk the ratings failure! And best of all...IT'S FREE! The tour will be shown live at MMM's and NAGAM's! Hopefully, gate receipts alone will keep us going. AND IT'S ALL FOR OUR FANS! FREE!
MM: Whew, that should be awesome. Maybe we'll even get a sellout somewhere.
SW: Speaking of a sellout, why is that scaffold only placed on the turnbuckles and diagonal across the ring? I thought these guys were supposed to be like 25 feet ABOVE the ring or something? You could get on that scaffold from the apron!
GBH: Hee. High risk danger. Heart stopping excitment. Duh. Scaffold. Bug. (points at beetle chewing on a hay straw at ringside)
MM: Well, the card DID state a scaffold match, but it never specified the height. We're covered from any liability.
GBH: Duh duh...duh duh...duh duh duh duh duh duh...(lower voiced) duh duh...duh duh...duh duh duh duh duh duh....Michael Knight, a man that does not exist. KNIGHT RIDER! Duh duh...duh duh...
MM: Lovely. Stupid Hasselhoff, we'll be listening to GBH doing the Knight Rider theme for the next 5 weeks now. Just great...
SW: Right, Mike...try to make these people believe you didn't like Knight Rider...I saw that Michael Knight action figure and the Kitt model over at your place the other day...
MM: YOU DID NOT!
SW: Hey, does the little red light work on the car?
MM: Yeah, but I have to get a new battery. I played with it so much it burned....uhhhhh.
MM: You're a bastard, you know that? A rotten bastard...
MA: Ladies and gentlemen!! The next contest for A Near Deth Experience is "The They Just Don't Have 'Em No More" Scaffold Match! Introducing first, representing the jWo and with Xenonan...DJ Mash and MC Hall-a...THE HOODSIDERS!
MM: Looks like Rawkus and Carjack have picked up on the jWo reference to member's of the more successful group. "Hall-a" could actually even fit for a rapper name. You know, Scotty...like 'holla'.
SW: Why do you feel the need to explain everything to me? I got it, Mike. Besides, ANY name fits a rapper...ever heard of MC Hammer? Like that makes sense...
MM: Who was that?
(Eddie B. plays "Can't Touch This" by the aforementioned MC Hammer, if only for Mike's sake. DJ and MC come down the aisle pushing their arms up in that stupid "raise the roof" thing. Xenonan follows wearing a flannel shirt with only the top two buttons fastened and baggy black pants.)
SW: Hear that, Mike? THAT is MC Hammer...
MM: Oooooh, I thought Vanilla Ice did that song.
SW: No. Vanilla Ice ripped off Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure". MC Hammer ripped off Rick James' "Super Freak."
GBH: She's a very kin-ky giiiiiiiiiirl. Tha kind you won't take home to MUDDAH! Yur.
MA: Their opponents, from Red Cross, North Carolina...with "Bloody" Mary. This is "Cap" Al Larrie and Art Teery...THE UNIVERSAL DONORS!
Xenonan: YO YO YO! LEMME SPEAK ON DISS!
Xenonan: Ay-ight. *sigh*
("Spill the Blood" by Slayer plays as the duo comes to the ring. Mary has her Vodka and Tomato Juice, Al has a sponge, and Art carries the cooler.)
MM: Okay! Here we go! The Donors are just now getting to the ring. Look at Teery size up that scaffold.
SW: Yeah, he is kinda short. That scaffold might even look high to him.
MM: To win it's simple, throw your opponents off the scaffold, even though the impact would be no worse than taking a superplex.
SW: Way to hype it, Mike. Rawkus is up on the scaffold, or should I call him Mash? Do I really have to? MC crawling up the corner post, he's on the scaffold now. Larrie is up on the other side and Art is right behind him. HERE WE GO!
MM: There are two scaffolds, side by side, placed on the top turnbuckles. But, it still looks high up there, doesn't it Scotty? The scaffolds stretch diagonally across the ring. That was for the ones at home that are listening on "BOB92.5" The FM Wrestling station that might have tuned in late and missed the intro.
SW: And if you are listening on the radio station...too bad! I'm having a really good hair day.
MM: DJ is trying to keep his balance, he walks slowly right past Al and goes up to Teery. Larrie meets Hall-a now on the other side. Art just threw some "Authenic BOB White Powder"(tm) into DJ's eyes! Larrie and MC now trading punches!
SW: Nice input there, GBH. Right hand by MC puts Larrie flat on his back! Art grinding DJ's head into the metal scaffolding! Xenonan watching closely from the floor, Mary doing the same...biting her black fingernails off.
MM: Piledriver by Rawkus/Mash on "Cap" Al Larrie! It took some guts to try that one! Art quickly over and clotheslines DJ. Larrie trying to recover. Carjack is busted open! That metal grating did a number on that forehead! Art with a rear chin-lock now on DJ who is down on his knees. "Cap" over there punching away on the double team.
SW: WHOA! Larrie almost lost his balance! DJ quickly gets on his stomach and hugs the scaffold. Art trying to pry him free and throw him off! Larrie now moving over to MC Hall-a/Carjack. Carjack nailed him! Another punch! Larrie falls and grabs the scaffold, MC loses his footing and falls on Larrie! He's off the side! Hall-a is going...wait! He has Larrie's leg..he's holding on!
MM: Art is back up moving in on Rawkus...backdrop by DJ! OHHHHHH! Teery hit hard right on that metal scaffold! Rawkus/Mash going to the other side, helps his partner up and stomps Larrie! This is the third meeting between these two teams with two prior double DQ's...they're going to settle this one tonight!
SW: MC holding Al up by the arms...DJ has something in his right hand....WHAM! Al just crumpled to the scaffold like a sack of taters! The Hoodsiders now focusing on Art...thy're moving in on him.
MM: Larrie has been lacerated with whatever DJ hit him with. LOOK! Mary is in the ring! She has MC by the ankle! Xenonan in, he's going after her....there's something about Mary. OOOOOOH! Mary kay-oed Xenonan! They're going to floor, Mary is beating the hell out of him! Lowblow by Art on MC! DJ hammers Art with a forearm! A bloody Larrie over and he just whacked DJ!
SW: Mary just rammed Xenonan into the Flimsy Guard Rail(tm). Generic Ref over to calm the situation at ringside. WAIT! From the stands...that's ALEX SMITH!
MM: He's in the ring....OH MY GOD! He just cracked that guitar over Larrie's knee! Al falls off the scaffold and clotheslines himself on the top rope! Double spike powerbomb on Art Terry by The Hoodsiders...ON THE SCAFFOLD! Art rolls off and onto the canvas...Generic missed it all as Smith retreats into the seats! He's calling for the bell!
MA: The winners of the match...THE HOOOODSIIIIDERS!
SW: I can't believe this, the jobbers won?
MM: Well, technically...so are The Donors. But a different kind of jobber. You know, like gas...93 octane, 87 octane...stuff like that.
SW: Whatever, Mike...but I still don't think we've heard the end of this one between these two teams...
GBH: Ice Ice Baby...Can't Touch This...heee.
MM: We'll, you might be right, Scotty. I don't think we've heard the last of these four men...especially with our tour coming up. More on that later, but now...on to our next match. Let's go to The Masked Announcer...
MA: Our next contest is scheduled for one fall.. and it will be contested in a ring surrounded by Religious Figures!! Lumberjacks, COME ON DOWN!
MM: And here they come! Bobo Fiendish leads the way, loaded sock in hand. He's dressed in a sinister-looking 1930's suit and cravat.. what's with that? He was supposed to be the Archangel Gabriel?
SW: Yeah, but the BigBOSS though that dressing him like 1930 Satanist and all-around bad guy Aleister Crowley was funnier....
MM: Fair enough.. behind him is The Domino who's a dead ringer for Pope Gregory the Nineteenth, Justin "The Baptist" Voss, three assorted jWo members as minor disciples, Psremzlwvk as Judas, Tuna Vachon as Mary Magdalene, Blackjack Hooligan as Saint Patrick and Andrew Spink as a very small rabbi..
SW: So in one match, we've managed to offend pretty much every major religion..
GBH: Duh. Lotsa arms guy. Hee.
SW: Oh, super, even the Hare Krishnas will be after us with this one.. THANKS A BUNCH, BIRDBOY!
MM: It's a very good Krishna costume, you have to admit!
MA: Introducing first, from The Mountains of Austria.. SHUTT VON TRAPP!
("The Hills are Alive, With The Sound of Music (And Scratching)" is cued by Eddie B. Shutt dances to the ring, surrounded by half a dozen overly-cute children singing something about Dough, Ray and Me... go figure...)
MA: And her opponent.. BARBIE "THE BRIDE" BANNER!
("The Wedding March" (Trance Remix) is played as Barbie makes her way to the ring. She pauses to throw her bouquet into the crowd. Somehow, The Flunky, who was selling T-shirts, ends up with it..)
SW: All right! we might have a spring wedding! Way to go, Flunky! WHOA! Did you see that? Bobo just nailed Barbie on the apron with his sock full of nickels!! What th' Hell??!!
Bobo: It slipped, honest. Heh.
MM: Shutt sees her oppotunity as Barbie is dazed! Suplexes her over the ropes and into the ring! This ones cutting loose early! SVT bounces off the ropes for an Asahi moonsault! Heavy impact there!
MM: Well, you know how popular that RVD guy is.. Barbie kicks out of an attempted pin.. Shutt whips her to the ropes.. moneyflip out of the corner! The nun is on fire!! Drags the bride back to the ropes.. looks like a series of turnbuckles for Barbie!
GBH: Duh. ONE! ANUDDER ONE! LOTS! ANUDDER LOTS! LOTS LOTS! MANY! HEAPS! MANY HEAPS! NINE! DONE! Yurrr...
SW: You've heard of an idiot savant? GBH is half-way there... Barbie's in trouble after taking the equivalent of ten shots in a pillow fight... Shutt moves in to set her up for a piledriver!
MM: Can she get Barbie up? NO! Barbie straightens up and backdrops von Trapp over the ropes! SVT's in no-womans land now! The jWo disciples descend upon her and are beating her with loaves and fishes!
SW: The jWo diciple? COOL! It's Brutus!! I love that guy!
MM: Give me strength.. Birdboy-Krishna gets in a half-dozens slaps with those extra arms before Von Trapp is able to roll back in.. the fans are loving this!
(Cut to ringside)
UJ: That Barbie shore is purty, aint she Cousin Pa?
CP: Ayuh.. purty then a li'l red wagon goin' up a hill...
UJ: Wassat mean, Cousin Pa?
CP: Jess somethin' them city folk expect us ta say...
(Back to the match)
MM: Barbie has taken control of this one! Double underhook suplex! A cover.. Shutt kicks out at two! Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Barbie to keep the momentum going! Barbie to the top rope.. big Tennessee Jam! That might do it! 1..2..NO! I thought she had her there!
SW: That's because you're a mark, Mike. Barbie hasn't gone over the top yet.. the match can't end until that happens!
MM: Are you sure?
SW: Trust me...
GBH: Duh.. yur. Scotty smart. Yur.
MM: And there she goes! Superkick out of nowhere sends Barbie over the top! The lumberjacks descend upon her! Great use of a set of rosary beads by Tuna! Andrew gets a few shots in with his yarmulke! Bobo and Voss have been eyeballing each other since this match started.. the tension is unbearable! Barbie rolls back in, narrowly escaping a final shot from The Domino! Shutt moves in for the kill!
SW: Here we go!
MM: Belly-to-belly suplex coming up.. NO! Barbie holds on and turns it into a devastating DDT! The ref is in.. 1..2..3!!
MA: Here is your winner.. BARBIE "THE BRIDE" BANNER!!
MM: What a hard-fought victory that was... Barbie slides out as SVT tries to figure out what just happened! Wait a minute.. Bobo's on the apron with his sock full of nickles! WHAM! He just K.O'ed Shutt! What's going on??
Bobo: Hey, Andrew... she's all yours.. You're welcome.
MM: Andrew can't believe his luck! He's carrying off the unconcious nun! And listen to the crowd cheering for Bobo! His ever-growing popularity has skyrocketed right there!
Justin Voss: HEY! I'm the face around here! Cheer ME! ME! ME! ME!
MM: Justin's snapped! He just grabbed Alex "St. Matthew with a Guitar" Smiths' guitar! BOOM! He blasts Bobo right over the head! Bobo is out! And the fans are stunned! They don't know whether to cheer or boo! Our main event just keeps hotting up!
SW: Two guitar shots in one night? Give me a break!
MM: You aint seen nothing yet, Scotty.. the "Nitro" record is three I think... I'm sure we can do better than that!
SW: Be still my beating heart.. Is it time for an intermission yet?
GBH: Duh. Yur. Hungry.
MM: You got it! We'll be right back with more action right after this!
MM: WOW! What a break that was! Hey, Scotty..did you see Hooligan in the back in the Saint Patrick's get-up drinking all that green beer? He must think it's even St. Patrick's Day...
SW: Like HE needs an excuse to drink alcohol. He's a lush. But he's a heel lush, so he's cool.
MM: You just won't give up that heel commentator stance, will ya?
SW: Something WRONG with that? At least I don't play with Michael Knight action figures.
MM: Ummmm...Let's go to our next match!
SW: That's what I thought...
GBH: Yur. *hic* Scotty still smart. *hic*
MM: What? GBH, you smell like a brewery! You were hanging around Blackjack during the break, weren't you?
GBH: Duh. *hic* Sorta.
SW: Oh great. GBH with a buzz. Like a regular GBH wasn't bad enough...
MM: Get him some coffee, Scotty.
SW: What the hell do look like...Jeeves? Mr. Belvedere? I'm not getting him anything!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, our next contest is a "You Gotta Get The Ref To Sit On Your Opponent and Suffocate Him, While Wearing Sumo Suits" Match.
MM: Come on, Scotty...please?
GBH: Scotty has an excelerated IQ. *hic* His intellectual compacity far exceeds the average homo sapien.
SW: WHAT?! Maybe the alcohol drunkeness cancels out his chair shot punch drunkeness! Say something else, GBH!
GBH: *hic* I think me poopie my pants. Yur. *hic*
MM: I knew it! He's just drunk. He'd have to be drunk to say that about you, Scotty.
SW: Oh, you're just jealous.
MM: Am not!
(Eddie B. strikes up "Short People" (Dwarf Mix) by Randy Newman. The song accompanies both participants to the ring...they both get pelted with waded cups as the crowd sings along...)
crowd: "Short people got...no reason. Short people got...no REA-son. Short people got....no reason TO LIIIIIVE! The got, little eyes and got...little feet. They got little bitty cars that go "beep beep beep"! Don't..want..no..shoooooort people. I don't want no shoooooort people. DON'T WANT NO SHOOOOOOORT PEOPLE...'ROUND HERE!"
MM: Well, you know what they say...everthing is BIG in Texas! And well, they also say Don't Mess With Texas.. but that doesn't really apply in this situation. These fans don't like the little guys, even though Spink is part of the tag-team Copious Amounts Of Cheers.
SW: And check out those Sumo Suits! Poor planning by Spink, they don't make midget sizes and I hope he really did think we were going to spend any extra money on getting some small ones with our budget.
MM: Good insight, Scotty. Let's go back to Masked Announcer.
GBH: Scotty smart. *burp*
MM: Shut up, GBH.
MA: Introducing first...from Hoi Phong, Vietnam...at 5' 4" and 98 pounds. The leader of The Unethical Ethnic Alliance..."CHARLIE"!
("Charlie" raises his arms. Boos start and "Charlie" gets agitated...he proceeds to run around the inside of the ring making threats and swinging his riding crop. Generic Ref calms the short guy and helps him into his suit. "Charlie" is only tall enough to reach the suit's mid torso, the rest flops over his head ...basically giving the appearnce of a fat sumo guy picking something off the floor.)
MA: His opponent...from Justin Voss' shirt pocket...heee. At 4' 2" and 76 pounds...THE LITTLE BIG MAN ANDREW SPINK!
(Andrew throws up a quick geture to the fans that give him a modest clap. Generic Ref helps Spink into his suit. Andrew fits in one leg, the rest of the suit falls backward onto the mat.
MA: To win, the ref must sit on one guy's face and make him submit or suffocate...LET's GET IT ON!
Generic Ref: I have to do WHAT? Whose stupid idea was THIS?!
"Charlie": SPEENK'S! DISS EES BOOLSHEET!
MM: There's the bell, and this gimmick disaster is under way. "Charlie" with a distinct height and weight advantage, and it's not too often a guy 5'4" and 98 pounds can say that.
SW: Can they even SEE each other? Fans, it'll get better...I promise!
MM: They already paid anyway, Scotty...they wouldn't dare leave the arena or turn the channel now! They'd just be wasting money!
SW: Looking at this.. I'd throw away 10 bucks just to turn the channel.
GBH: Hee. Funny. Sumo look flat.
MM: Okay, it's hard to tell who is who. I'm guessing "Charlie" is the sumo folded foward, Spink is the one-legged sumo that lay on it's back.
SW: LOOK AT THIS! The "Charlie" sumo has Generic Ref by the leg...he thinks it's Andrew! The other sumo is just hopping around looking for action. This sucks.
(Cut to back. BigBOSS and his little clone Li'lBOSS are watching in horror...)
BB: This is terrible, I KNEW I shouldn't have asked Andy to pick his own stips. This thing is going to eat up all our time.
LB: Why can't we just send Viet Kong out there or Justin Voss to interfere on their guy's part and move on? This match could take all night.
BB: I think I basically said the same thing about time constraints. Damn Underling. Get out there and put an end to this...
LB: Right away, BOSS!
(Li'lBOSS runs as fast as his little legs will carry him down to ringside. "Charlie" is tangled in the ropes, Spink is outside the ring trapped in a large mass of sumo suit. Li'lBOSS grabs a mic...)
LB: Okay! Change of plans! Take off the ridiculous suits and fight like...well, little short men!
Generic Ref: Do I STILL have to sit on one of their faces?
LB: OF COURSE! What do you think BigBOSS is paying you for?
MM: WOW! "Charlie" quickly scrambles out of his suit and grabs his Singapore cane that he also brought to ringside! He's whacking Spink who is still in that suit outside the ring!
SW: I thought those were Kendo sticks.
MM: Singapore cane. Kendo stick. Wooden thingee that easily cracks and breaks when you hit somebody with it...it's all the same.
GBH: They back in ring. Duh.
MM: Nice to have you back, GBH. At least his hiccups are gone. Spink fighting back now... piledriver! "Charlie" no sells it and DDT's The Little Big Man.
SW: Well, it is kinda hard to sell a piledriver from a guy with legs a foot and a half long. "Charlie" with a bodyslam on Spink. Elbow drop. He's going to the top!
MM: Andrew is up! He's sweeps "Charlie's" foot off the turnbuckle! "Charlie" gets racked! SUPER MIDGET PLEX!
SW: OOOOOOOOOH! That was cool! I never seen a midget do a superplex. I think he might have knocked himself out with that one!
MM: No. Duh. Littler guy get up.
MM: You're right, GBH! And almost coherent! Andrew is telling the Generic Ref to sit on "Charlie's" face. Ref won't do it!
SW: AWWWWWWW! Uppercut lowblow by the halfpint! Andrew on the outside again...climbs up the turnbuckle...look at that little monkey go!
MM: Watch it, Scotty...remember what happened to Howard Cosell?
SW: MiniatureMissle Dropkick on the Generic Ref! More like a BottleRocket Dropkick...but the Ref is out!
MM: Andrew sits the Generic Ref on "Charlie's" face...Andrew is counting the three even though pinfalls weren't a factor! The fans love it, the midget really earned their respect with his antics here tonight!
SW: Dude, they're like laughing their @sses off. Everybody laughs at the midget matches.
MM: No, these fans are really liking the tiny man, Scotty! Spink body surfs out through the crowd! The Generic Ref is up and not looking too happy, he's waving this one off...
MA: Ladies and gentlemen...this match has been declared a NO CONTEST!
SW: Good one, GBH...that summed this one up. What's next, Mike?
MM: You have the format, look for yourself. Better yet..let's be lazy and wait on The Masked Announcer...
SW: Works for me...
MA: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a "Typical Bloody Streetfight". Introducing first, at a total combined weight of.. (Pauses to tap on a calculator briefly).. 665 pounds.. BLACKJACK HOOLIGAN and VIET KONG.. THE UNETHICAL ETHNIC ALLIANCE!
(Eddie's special "St. Patricks' Day Celtic Mix" of The Charlie's Angels theme plays as the two big men head to the ring. Trash is flung from all corners of the arena... well, all parts the Flunky reached when he handed the trash out to the fans... They meet up with "Charlie", who's having a quick smoke at ringside, and enter the ring.)
MA: And their opponents.. at a combined weight of *cough* *mumble, mumble, mumble* pounds.. ALL NATURAL BOY and THE PHOBIC!
(Eddie B. grabs a CD at random as the rather incompatable combination enters. The strains of The Carpenters singing "I'm On The Top Of The World" fills the arena, severly damaging Eddie's street cred... The Flunky pushes a dumpster full of assorted weapons to the ring and quickly flees the scene)
MM: All Natural Boy and The Phobic make it to ringside! Both men have been very quiet in the promo-cutting department recently...
Dennis: I tried, chaps, honest I did. But The Phobic had a temporary fear of cameras and interviews, and that All Natural Boy is such a recluse. And who wants to hear an interview which uses the word "WHOOOOO" no less than 65 times?
SW: What the heck? Dennis, I thought you were doing backstage reports?
Dennis: Well, yes.. but that Bobo Fiendish scares you-know-what out of me.. He did try to post me back to Blighty by second-class post, remember? Never fear, lads, I asked GBH to cover for me..
MM: You WHAT?
(Cut to the back. GBH is in Bobo's locker room. Bobo has a icebag on his head.)
GBH: Duh. Bobo. Voss hitty you. Duh. You like cheesecake? Duh. Yur...
(Back to the ring)
MM: Well, the bell has gone, just seconds AFTER Blackjack Hooligan jump-started the match with a gigantic clothesline from the apron. All Natural Boy climbs out of the second row of seats and is looking for revenge! Viet Kong scoops The Phobic up for a slam! Hooligans ready to spike it!
The Phobic: NO! Put me down! I hate heights! Vertigo! Vertigo!
SW; VK's happy to comply! Whammo! I love it when this guy goes to work! (Scotty puts on an "Unethical Ethnics" T-shirt.. $12.95..)
MM: Good input, Dennis.. All Natural Boy leaps.. well, clambers onto the Flimsy Guard rail.. Clothesline to the back of Hooligans noggin! Kong drags The Phobic to the steps! Drives him in head first!
Dennis: Hands first.
MM: Try to maintain the illusion, Dennis.
SW: YEAH! Use the weapons, Kong! Woohoo! (Puts on an "UEA" Cap... $7.95)
MM: Kong is indeed going for the dumpster! He destroys a pre-cut broom over The Phobics skull. Tosses a lava lamp to Blackjack! All Natural Boy gets a taste of that piece of the 70's! Hey, Scotty, what exactly is the definition of a Streetfight? I mean, how does it differ from a regular hardcore match?
SW: Umm, let's see.. juicing is compulsary..
MM: Right. Is that it?
Dennis: Jolly good! That Irish chappie is certainly doing a number on All Natural Boy! I've never seen anyone make such efficent use of a blender in my life!
SW: Yeah! Liquidise him, Blackjack! (Throws a roll of Charlie's "Kong make yoo dookie" brand toilet paper into the ring.. $2.25)
MM: Will you quit it with the merchandising! The Unethicals are in complete control here.. Kong and Blackjack are setting up tables now.. quite a few of them actually.. this could take some tme, folks.. let's take you backstage for a second..
(Cut back to GBH again. He's with Mr Claven.)
GBH: Duh. You got mail. Hee...
MC: Pardon? Was that a joke?
GBH: Duh. Dunno. Duh. You got mail... Hee.
(Cut back to the match.)
Dennis: Sorry about that.. my fault, lads.. I'll pop back there and sort that out, shall I?
MM: Please do.. Well, VK and Blackjack have finally set up no less than TEN tables in a nice pyramid formation! Blackjack has dragged The Phobic up a lighting gantry!
SW: Who does he think he is, Kamikazie Ken? This is insane!!! (Covers eyes with a copy of "Charlies" autobiography "Helro Yoo Stoopid People!"... $11.95 at all good booksellers)
SW: OOOH! What a powerbomb! And it would have been so much more impressive if he'd actually hit the tables, and not the concrete floor!
MM: Well, that's the juicing requirement sorted out at least! Both The Phobic and Blackjack are busted open! They're both out of this one for a while, I'd say.. thus giving us a chance to concentrate on Kong and All Natural Boy!
SW: Where are they, by the way?
MM: Good question!
GBH: Duh. In der back. Yur...
MM: Oh, GBH is back with us, I see.. and he's right! There on the BOB-tron we can see Kong and ANB are backstage! They're fighting for control of the Blunt Barbed Wire 2x4!($29.95 at Hardcore Gimmicks'R Us!) All Natural Boy has it and he has no hesitation in using it! Right to the thigh of Kong! He'll be bleeding as soon as he gets a chance to blade himself! Clive slips over, and that should be a great opportunity for just that!
SW: Yeah! More blood! This is GREAT! There's only one thing that could make this the perfect pay-per-view!
(Cut to Dennis who's standing outside the women's locker room.. a shower can be heard running inside.)
Dennis: Way ahead of you, Scotty.. I'm just about to get an exclusive interview with Barbie Banner and Nurse Heidi..
(He opens the door. The screen goes to static. Cut to Miss Behave, who's standing over a control pannel in the Outside Broadcast truck. Back to ringside.)
SW: NOOOOOOOO!! Damn it!!
MM: Back to the action at hand! Kong and All Natural Boy are exchanging roller door shots out in the loading dock! Blackjack has recovered enough to join in.. They're dragging him outside the arena! All Natural Boy is fighting for his life! He's dragged some brass knuckles out of his tights! Clocks Blackjack with them! And Kong gets the same! Double noggin knocker! Can ANB do the impossible and beat both these men?
SW: You mean all THREE of these men! Who's the guy in the black mask?
MM: I have no idea! He came out of nowhere and he's doing a number on ANB! Kong grabs one arm.. Blackjack grabs the other! The Mystery Man has a crowbar! LOOK OUT!
(Crowd shot.. everyone in shot winces simultaneously.)
MM: All Natural Boy is out! Kong covers.. forget about it.. this one is history!
MA: Here are your winners.. THE UNETHICAL ETHNIC ALLIANCE!
MM: The masked man is taking off his mask.. it's.. it's.. its DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS! I don't believe it!
SW: Believe it, believe it! He's joined the alliance! Check out the high fives all round! And "Charlie" is estatic!
MM: What a shocker!
GBH: Duh. Dat was der booby doc. Yur.
SW: Perceptive as ever, GBH..
(Cut to the Ahmazin' Inbreds at ringside)
UJ: That was a reel fahne match, huh Coussin Paw? CP: Ayup.. That Chineese fella even sent us a gift.. mighty nice fellas aint they?
(We zoom in on the "present".. the outside of the box reads "One (1) Genuine VK Anti-Personell Mine. Not Sutible for children under 12." Cousin Pa opens it. Loud comedy explosion ensues. When the smoke clears, Paw and Junior sit smouldering gently.)
CP: Unc'e Junior?
UJ: Yes Paw?
CP: Remahnd me ta kick that Chineese fellas butt sometame..
UJ: Okay, Paw..
(The "Raiders of The Lost Ark" theme begins to play... must be time for the "Post Office Of Doom" match..)
MM: Let's go to Chad, the kid we hired earlier today to hold the portable camera for this match!
SW: Another hire? That's going to cut into my bonus. CRAP!
MM: What bonus? We don't get a bonus. Besides, The BigBOss told this kid earlier he'll only pay him if he does a good job. Don't worry, he probably be back flipping burgers by tomorrow.
SW: Frys with that? Heh.
(Cut to BOB-tron and the image of a teenage kid with the typical bad teenage goatee(patent pending) is seen. You get a good look at one of his pimples before he realizes he's taping and turns to the action on location at The Near Deth, Texas Post Office right outside the city limits. The Raider's Theme continues and Kamikazie Ken emerges from a tunnel with a brown fedora on his head and a whip on his side. He's being followed by a large, papier mache boulder. He runs into the Post Office as the boulder quickly dwindles to the size of a marble.
MA: This next contest is a "Post Office of Doom" match. Introducing first, from Bonzai Falls, Georgia...THE HARDCORE LUCHADORE....KAMAKAZIEEEEEEEEEEE KEN!
(Ken settles down inside the Post Office and awaits his opponent next to the out-of-town mail slot.)
MA: His opponent...from Boston, Massachusettes. THE DISGRUNTED POSTAL WORKER....MR. CLAAAAAAAAAVEN!
(The "Disgrunted Postal Worker" tag sends whatever employees were in the office fleeing. Claven enters from the other side of the building in a metal coal car placed on a rail track. He smacks a couple of Arab guys wearing red turbans on the way to the office, stops a second to watch a voodoo preist pull a man's heart out of his chest, signs his autograph on the Holy Grail, and runs inside the building.)
MM: What an entrance by Claven...and what a match this should be! This is Claven's element.. Kamakazie Ken is going to have his hands full with this one.
SW: Are you kidding? Like Kamakazie Ken cares..this guy makes that Foley guy's bumps look like stubbed toes. Ken will adapt.
GBH: Him not all there, dat Ken. Duh.
MM: Oh yeah, THAT'S the pot calling the kettle black...HERE WE GO! Claven entered the front door and just got caught by Ken's corkscrew plancha off the counter! Both men sent reeling into a large bundle of overnight mail!
SW: Good thing it wasn't the junk mail pile...no give in that one. Look at that stack!
MM: You're right, Scotty..that may have caused some serious injury. Claven recovers, and has a Publisher's ClearedHouse Envelope! He's raking it across Ken's arm! Paper cut! Kamakazie opened up early in this one!
SW: Ken finds a letter opener! He gashes Claven's forehead! What a PAY-PER-VIEW! I LOVE BLOOD!
MM: You better not say that around "Bloody" Mary.. or she'll start following you all over the place.
SW: So? She is kinda cute...for one of those goth/vampire/black fingernail/black dyed hair/black dress/weirdo makeup/Marilyn Manson/Type O Negative listening chicks.
MM: Well yeah, if you put it that way. Ken charges Claven and gets backdropped over the counter and into the bulk mail scale! That's GOTTA hurt!
GBH: THA BOOTIFAL PEOPLE, THA BOOTIFAL PEOPLE...DA DA DUH! THA BOOTIFAL PEOPLE, THE BOOTIFAL PEOPLE....DA DA DUH! THA BOOTIFAL PEOPLE...AHHHHHHHHHHH! DA DA DUH!
MM: GBH...WOULD YOU SHUT UP?! Claven off the counter with a double axe handle on Ken's back. Suplex into the air mail buggy! Elbow drop misses by Claven. Ken fires back with a loaded fist full of postage stamps!
SW: I'm sure that really hardened that right hand smash...*sigh* Ken with a hiptoss into a non sufficent postage, leftover Christmas present! Look at the size of THAT box. Somewhere..there's a kid wondering where the hell his bike is..
MM: Ken tries a cover..one, two...Mr. Claven puts his foot on the display case with those new "50 States" quarters in it. Off-The-Street-Homeless-Guy-Stand-In-Ref calls for the break. I guess the case was out of bounds..
SW: Ya think? Ken picks up Claven and trys to whip him across the office..reversal by Claven! Ken flips hard into the stack of credit card apps, business reply mail envelopes! Mail is everywhere! Claven's a bloody mess! Ken's left arm looks like taco meat...THIS IS GREAT!
GBH: Hee. Special Delivery. Sign here, please. Yur.
MM: GBH, remind me why you're here? Second thought...nevermind. Claven attempting a piledriver, Ken backdrops out of it! This thing is back and forth! Bodyslam by Ken. He's up on the wrong address shelf now...could be...might be...IT IS! HOLY COW! (I really miss Harry Carry) SUICIDAL, HOMICIDAL, GENOCIDAL...
MM:...SHOOTING STAR...what did you say, Scotty? KAMAKAZIE PRESS! HE MISSED IT!
(Quick shot of crowd back at The Big Barn turning their heads...another quicker shot of Eddie B. grunting for a second...then sniffs his hand as he brings it to his nose from behind his back...)
MM: Ken just took out the entire row of mail fraud letters and bogus work injury claims! This post office might get a legit work injury claim by Ken after that one! Claven off the floor and stumbles to his feet..he grabs a handful of Ken's mask...they're heading to the back!
SW: This can't go much further...both men look exhausted! They're on the back loading dock! Claven just tried to ram Ken's head into the Mail Truck. Ken puts his foot on the truck and blocks it, quick shot to Claven's ample midsection...rams The Disgrunted One into the side of the truck!
MM: Right hand by Ken staggers Claven...Claven fires back with his own punch. Spinning heel kick attempt by Ken...Claven catches his foot...KICK TO THE BEAN BAG! That was un-called for!
SW: Hey...IT'S ANYTHING GOES, BABY! Ken doubled over in agony..Claven charges...jumps...
MM: KEN CAUGHT HIM! BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX INTO THAT BIG, WOODEN CRATE POSTMARKED ZIMBABWE! The lid fell and closed them inside! LOOK AT THAT!
SW: It's one of those brown, package delivery trucks! *ahem* It's one of those brown, package delivery trucks! I SAID...IT'S ONE OF THOSE BROWN, PACKAGE DELIVERY TRUCKS!
GBH: You tell 'em, Scotty.
MM: Do you mean a truck that delivers brown packages? Or a brown truck that delivers packages?
SW: You're a laugh-riot, Mike.
(Chad pans over to the brown delivery truck, one man in a brown uniform is violently shaking another man in a similar brown uniform. The second man quickly rubs his eyes, starts the truck and drives over to the crate. The two men load it in the back of the van and drive off.)
MM: I think this one is going to be...a countout? What's the ruling on something like this?
SW: I don't know, Mike...but I bet some Shaka Zulu tribe is going to be really pissed off when they get that package...expecting like, spear heads or those big @ss nose bones and find Mr. Claven and Kamakazie Ken in there!
MM: WOW! Let's take a break and see if we can sort this one out...we'll have a ruling after a brief intermission...
GBH: Good. I gotta pee. Yur.
MM: THAT'S a little bit more information than I need, GBH.
SW: Yeah GBH, ya pig. Hurry up, Mike...I gotta sh(bleep)t.
SW: Dude, I thought we like.. went to break already...
BOB will soon be seen COAST-TO-COAST! The First ever BOB U.S Tour! Get your tickets NOW! Or else you'll just have to stay home and watch it for free! Wait a minute, let me rephrase that!
(We return to a shot of the empty announce position. Thirty seconds passs before The Big BOSS and The Li'l BOSS arrive and sit down.)
BB: Welcome back, BOB Fans! We'll be taking you through the last match of the night, seeing as how the regular announce team is *ahem* otherwise occupied..
(Cut to a shot of Mike, Scotty at the head of an enormous line in front of the bathrooms.)
MM: I can't belive we let GBH take a book in there! you know how slow he reads!!
(Back to the BOSS'es)
LB: That's right, Big BOSS! And this should be a fantastic match!
BB: I couldn't agree more.. let's go to the Masked Announcer!
MM: Ladies and gentlemen.. this is our Main Event of the evening.. and it is for the Pan-Galactic Championship! Introducing first.. we don't know his real name, we don't know where he comes from.. we're not even sure if 335 pounds is his real weight.. the "AYOOYFM" Champion.. BOBO FIENDISH!
(Extremely mixed reaction as Bobo is wheeled to the ring in a "Silencer of The Lambs" brand strait-jacket and mask combo. The Flunky deposits him in the roofed-caged ring, loosens the straps and runs away like all the demons of Hell are after him.)
MA: Anmd his opponent.. the man, the myth, the mmmmm-Swiss Army Champion.. The STEREOTYPED FACE.. JUSTINNN VOSS!
(Two cheerleaders run out, waving pom-poms and turning somersaults. They begin a chant of "Oh, Justin you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, HEY JUSTIN!" They keep up this phrase until Justin appears at the head of the ramp. "If You're Happy and You Know It" cuts in, along with Eddie B's "Main Event Big Beat Tubbyboy Slender Scratch Mix". Big pop from the Justin marks, a few boo's from the Heel-lover fans. One kid even dares to bounce a paper cup off Justins head.. he's quickly ejected by BOB security.)
LB: Our two main-eventers are in the ring.. and it's time to.. GET IT ON!
***Bell rings.. thanks to our minor celebrity timekeeper, ummm.. whats-his-name.. y'know.. he was in that commercial for Toyota.. or was it a Nike ad? No wait.. hang on, it'll come to me..
BB: And this one is ON! Bobo pulls free of the last of those straps as Justin enters the "No Escape For You" roofed, padlocked, steel and chickenwire cage! A hideous, demonic structure that ate up half of our remaining "Full Court Press" profits! This better be worth it!
LB: I'm sure it will.. Both men circling each other cautiously.. tie-up.. NOT! Forearm smash sends Justin reeling back.. kick to the guts doubles him over.. pickup into a powerbomb position.. Justin fires back with a flurry of piston-like right hands! Bobo crashes backwards, more out of surprise than anything! Justin straddles him and continues to pound away!
BB: Voss has got to have a lot of guts to even step into this type of match! Bobo tosses him off and regains a vertical base!
LB: Voss ricochets off the ropes.. big spinning heel kick! Bobo is knocked for a loop! He's up quickly and gets an inverted bulldog! Voss is on fire! He's going to the top.. Top-rope Legdrop! A cover!
Generic Ref: One.. two..
BB: Dwayne, aren't you supposed to be IN the ring?
Generic Ref: With those two? Forget it! And I told you not to call me "Dwayne" anymore..
LB: Justin goes up again.. his fans are really getting behind him! Bobo rises.. and catches Voss in mid-air for a bone-crushing powerbomb! Devastating! He pins.. The Generic Ref runs around to the other side of the cage to get a better angle.. Voss kicks out at two!
BB: Oh, this is ridiculous.. I'm getting him in the ring..
LB: You're leaving the broadcast position, BOSS?
BB: Of course I am! Since when am I the color announcer? I have seniority here! I should have been the play-by-play man!
LB: The BOSS is forcing the Generic Ref to open the cage and get inside.. did I just see The BOSS pocket the key? Something's brewing here... Inside the cage, Bobo has delivered an impressive one-handed gorilla press to Voss.. Voss is absorbing a huge amount of punishment! How much can he take? OOH! Face-first into the steel! Bobo moves in for the kill.. Voss spins.. leg sweep! Bobo gets two for the price of one as he's hotshotted on the top rope and smashes his head on the cage! And I believe... YES! He's been cut open above his left eye! Voss takes control as he targets that cut with blatant closed fist! Lowblow! The fans are surprised at Voss's tactics here! Voss chops Bobo hard... drives him back to the corner... He backs up and gets ready for a big dropkick.. BOBO CATCHES HIM!
LB: THE HUMAN RUGBEATER! I never thought I'd see it! Too bad for Dwayne.. he was the nearest solid object! The Ref is out! This one is suddenly wide open! Bobo slings the now-bloody Justin Voss to the cage with authority! What's the BOSS doing? He's unlocked the cage.. he's getting in! Is he nuts?! Bobo and Justing trade uppercuts.. both men are battered and bloody! Justin lowblows the Hardcore champ! VOSS-FACTOR! He stunned Bobo with that one.. drags him to a corner..he's setting him up for the "Happy and You Know it"! The crowd begin to sing the song.. listen to them! The cheerleaders, Bunny and Sky encourage them! Here comes Justin for his unique version of the Bronco Buster... WHAT??? The BOSS yanked Bobo out of the way! Justin straddles the turnbuckle with ball-buckling velocity!
SW: YEAH! All right BOSS!
MM: What did we miss?
LB: GOOD GRIEF! Bobo drags Justin off and sets him up for a piledriver.. right onto the BOSS's fabled TRIPLE-PADLOCKED-TITANIUM-MONEY-BELT!! A cover! The BOSS Counts 1-2-3!!!!! We have a new champion! And what a swerve! Even I never heard about this one!
MM: And I thought that Voss was going to do a heel turn!
SW: So did I! And I think, so did Voss! He can't believe it either!
LB: Not after that little piece of corporate screwing! The fans are livid! But Bobo Fiendish is officially..
BB: That's MY line.. the NEWWWWWWW "PAN-GALACTIC" CHAMPION.. BOBO FIENNNNDISH!
MM: What a night.. for The BOSSes, GBH and Scotty Whatbody, I'm Mike Monroe saying..thanks for ordering "A Near Deth Experience".. and we'll see you at BOB "Coast To Coast!!"
©2000 BOB Wrestling!