Skeeter: Okay, here we go again with another BOB DVD commentary. I'm Steve "Skeeter" Skeet... and the man sitting 15,000 km to my right is...
Leary: John "Leary" Leary. Hmm...guess I need a cool nickname. Sounds kind of repetitive...damn this writer's block! Maybe John "King Lear" Leary?
Skeeter: Too cerebral. None of our fans would get the reference, I think.
Skeeter: So here we have my first... and as it turned out, ONLY Whatever Wrestling Federation pay-per-view card.
Leary: Was this your title or where did it come from?
Skeeter: Ahh, this was one of Marty's titles. He came up with several great names for his pay-Per-Views. The first I remember was "WWF: On Time", which is a great rip on e-wrestling in general.
Skeeter: The last was going to be "Insert Title Here", but the fed imploded before we got to that one.
GARTH BROOKS NOT INCLUDED.
Leary: Because when you think Barnyard, you think Garth Brooks.
Skeeter: I have ZERO interest in country music... so he was about the only guy I could think of. And Waylon Jennings would have been too old-school for the joke to work. *laugh*
[We open with a long, sweeping helicopter shot of "The Barnyard", Nebraska. (A subsidiary of "The Dome, Ltd.")
Skeeter: A little call-back to the usual WWF venue. I tend to choose the states at random for shows, unless there's a theme. Nebraska always makes me think of cornfields, thanks to Kevin Costner movies.
Leary: Seems about right. Though I don't remember any Children of the Corn in this show, thankfully.
Skeeter: *laugh* That would have helped the buy-rate...
Wrestling rings have been erected in a pasture, a cornfield and inside a barn. There is also tiered seating surrounding a henhouse.
Skeeter: Once again, I was following Marty's match stipulations, which he left up to me to flesh out.
Leary: It is a pretty easy thing to picture. This is a nice concept pay-per-view. Something I wish I was creative enough to do in BOB sometime.
Skeeter: I think the helicopter shot would have busted BOB right off the bat.
A cheesy rock band, on loan from the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation is mangling "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" on a raised stage near the barn.
Skeeter: Now there's an inside joke.. the band is "The Insane Claude Posse", one I created for my STWF wrestler Claude "Lightning Fingers" Leroux. I basically used them to make up silly song titles to flesh out my roleplays. "How About a Glass of Shut The Hell Up?", and 'The Bookerman is a Dirty Bastard", things like that. "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" IS my favorite country song, though.
Leary: I was just trying to think if I like any country songs. Aside from that hot blonde chick who did the song "Breathe," I have a pretty low tolerance. Even Shania, as hot as she is, I just despise her music.
Skeeter: Country and/or Western is pretty minor in New Zealand. There was one station, but the youth-orientated station that took over the frequency happily promoted themselves as the "Station That Killed Country".
The shot ends as we sweep over the annouce table. We cut to Sammy "Sellout" Smith and Scotty Whatbody, who are franticlly trying to retrieve their papers, which were blown off the desk by the helicopters downdraft.]
Leary: Uh oh, don't let Scotty improvise...
Skeeter: This was probably the most expensive show I wrote. Take into account the helicopter rental, the construction costs of the barnyard... they'd need to sell a bunch of T-shirts to break even.
SSS: Hello everyone and WELCOME! To BARNYARD BLITKRIEG!
Skeeter: That's a definite Schiavonne intro... he always emphasized the "WELCOME!" line.
Leary: And the random emphasis throughout his speech. Which is what made him the BEST announcer in WRESTLING history. To goof on, I mean...
SW: Well, shucky darn and slop the chickens, Sammy, we're gonna have a hoe-down tonight!
Skeeter: Scotty getting into the spirit of things... I stole the 'shucky darn" from an old Garfield strip, though.
Leary: Scotty's a team player when he has to be.
SSS: I have no idea what you just said, Scotty.. but that's not unusual.
Skeeter: Sammy was always a fairly generic announcer, but as shown here, he could get sarcastic when he wanted to.
First off, let's introduce our guest commentator, Hall-of-Famer, Boogie Woogie!
Skeeter: Oh, boy.. Boogie Woogie. This was me deciding I needed a three-person announce team for the shows. I did it again later with Drunken Mick.
Leary: Who is Boogie Woogie. One of your characters?
Skeeter: Actually, he was a picture Marty created for the WWF homepage. A composite, with Hogans bandanna, Macho Mans' glasses, and some other wrestler bits in there too. And the tag-line 'Boogie Woogies says "Oooooh, momma!". I liked the concept and threw him in as a surprise.
Leary: Sounds like a winner to me.
BW: Ooooooow, YEAH! Shake it and Bake it, but dontcha dare Fake it, brother!
Skeeter: I tried to keep his dialogue as an amalgamation of time-honoured wrestling cliches, too.
SSS: No, didn't understand that, either.. But anyway, welcome to the show, Boogie!
SW: So he DOES exist.. and I thought he was just a cheesy composite of aging wrestlers...
Skeeter: I always like to explain the joke at times. Beat you over the head with the punchline, yeah?
Leary: So I've noticed. But we can just chalk that up to trying to ease in the newbies or something.
Skeeter: These days were much more likely to add a line only three people in the world are likely to laugh at, and leave it at that.
Skeeter: *laugh* Perfect example.
SSS: Well, tonight should be a spectacular night! We've got The Domino versus SMP in a Cow Pasture Hoe-down for the "NQGETBWC" title!
Skeeter: That's a great acronym. The nYquil Get Back title? Nope, the "Not Quite Good Enough to be World Champion" championship.
Leary: That is a great belt. It's what they feared calling the United States and Intercontinental Titles in WCW and the WWF at the time, respectively. The real WWF, I mean.
Skeeter: The Not-Big-Enough-For-Vince-To-Push title?
The team of Mike "The Hammer" Collins and "Cold Stone" Steve Roberts defend against the Fumbuckers!
Skeeter: "Cold Stone" Steve Roberts... That must have taken weeks of thought.
Leary: It is high-concept comedy right there.
Birdboy versus Kamikazie Ken... Title for Title!
Skeeter: This show did leave me in the uncomfortable position of having to write a Main Event with my own character in it. I know it's only comedy, but there's always someone who accuses you of self-glorification. Usually Neige.
Leary: But of course, now you can do it since you've seen me and J do it for a couple years without any hint of guilt. *Laugh*
Skeeter: *laugh* Yes, indeed.
And of course.. NURSE HEIDI gets NAKED!!!
Skeeter: Three exclamation marks. I was being conservative, I think.
Leary: Heidi is still hot and still getting naked to this day. Usually just on pay-per-view.
Skeeter: Her contract has a "No Freebie T&A" clause, I guess.
SW: If she loses to J.C Brawley that is..
SSS: *ahem* oh, yes.. of course..
Skeeter: Scotty oddly being the voice of rationality, for a change. These days he'd talk about nothing but that match for the rest of the show.
Leary: But at least he would vary up his dialogue instead of shouting about puppies.
BW: OWWWWWWWW MOMMA! That's what I'm here for!
Skeeter: Boogie Woogie and Jerry Lawler are cut from the same cloth, obviously.
Leary: I just flashed over to Dude Love for a minute. Trippy...
Skeeter: *laugh* Call my lawyer!
SSS: But first of all, we have a BONUS match! So let's go to our ring announcer, Bubba!
Leary: Who is not a Love Sponge or a radio D.J. in America.
Skeeter: That's the sign of an early card. There's no way I'd decide a card was too short and toss in a bonus match these days!
Leary: Yep. Now you and me both find ways to eliminate matches, usually in somewhat creative fashion.
Skeeter: Squash, squash, double DQ, two-minute screwjob main event. Or was that the last few Monday Nitros?
Bubba: Introducing first.. weighing 140 pounds... EL JABORONIE LOCO!
Skeeter: Ole! The forerunner to Insano Mano is in the adobe!
Leary: Just the other day I was thinking about lame wrestling names. And sadly, this one comes closest to the lamest ECW name ever. El Puerto Ricano. Gotta love the names that take all of three seconds to come up with, eh?
Skeeter: *laugh* And he was probably born in Florida, y'know?
[A speed metal version of The Mexican Hat Dance is played as Loco sprints down to the ring. Pretty good pop for Loco.]
Skeeter: That's one of the biggest cliches in wrestling. The guys a luchadore? Cue the mariachi band!
Leary: And make sure he wears the colors of Mexico too. Just to beat us over the head with the fact he's from Mexico.
Bubba: And his opponent.. weighing in at 414 pounds.. THE MIME!
Skeeter: The Mime was one of Martys jobbers... but I just liked the concept. A 400-pound man imitating everything you do? He's hired!
Leary: Hmm...he hasn't been working for a couple years. He might be 500 pounds now. Our people should call his people.
Skeeter: He'll need people to haul his fat ass into the ring, I think.
[The crowd is treated to the awesome sight of the Mime attempting to sprint to the ring. More hilarity than pop.]
Skeeter: Can you even imagine what that would look like? King Kong Bundy in a footrace?
Leary: Pure hilarity, I'd imagine.
BW: WHHOA, BABY! This aint fair! That little guys outweighed by a couple of hunnert pounds!
SW: 271 to be exact, Boogie! The Mime sure is a .. *ahem*.. 'Giant' all right.
Skeeter: Now this was a short-lived angle in WCW, but I was riffing on the Rey Mysterio Jr. 'Giant Killer" phase, where they gave him wins over Kevin Nash, and that tall guy from the Flock. What the hell was his name?
Leary: You got me. I can picture him. But his name just escapes me.
Skeeter: Yep, he really made a lasting impression on us, as you can tell.
SSS: El Jaboronie really does have a mountain to climb.. metaphorically AND literally!
SW: Ha ha ha.. what?
Skeeter: Scottys gotten smarter over the years, but the big words were still fooling him at this stage.
Leary: Yep. The big words, and a few small ones.
SSS: Never mind. Bell's gone, this one is under way! Loco cartwheels across the ring and runs straight into the Mimes outstretched boot!
Skeeter: That's pretty good offense from a fat dude. Sure, he didn't have to lift his leg THAT high, but it's better than the Big Show at times.
OH! A 400 pound elbow! And another! Loco's in trouble already!
Leary: Very Nash-like offense there.
Skeeter: That's a cliche you hear with Show, and it doesn't really make sennse. It's not like his elbow weighs 400 pounds by itself...
Leary: It doesn't? Steve! My world is crumbling. *Laugh*
Skeeter: Sorry, dude. *laugh*
A whip to the ropes! The Mime drops his head.. and pays for it! Great double arm DDT by Loco.
Skeeter: My matches were still pretty technically solid here... short, but solid.
Leary: Now if this were in a real federation, Loco would have dropped his head for the backdrop. That move still cracks me up when it happens, though it's not as common nowadays.
SW: Loco's going to have to use his quickness here!
BW: No shit Sherlock..
Skeeter: That looks like a mis-placed Scotty line. Kind of out-of-character for Boogie Woogie. I always see the inconsistancies all these years down the track.
Leary: All part of fleshing out the characters. Who knows what we'll think of the 2004 dialogue in 2008.
Skeeter: Well still be doing this in 2008? Oh, boy, i figured I'd have a life by then. *laugh*
SSS: Loco bounces off the ropes for a split-legged moonsault! Covers.. and a powerful kickout from the Mime!
Leary: So, does that mean the Mime now has to do a split-legged moonsault?
Skeeter: He probably should have, but I saved it for a few seconds.
He drags Loco to the corner..
Skeeter: Mainly because it gave me time to establish a running gag. At this stage, "whooo" was about all I knew about Flairs' routine.
SSS: ..for a series of..
Skeeter: And since Boogie was all the old wrestlers in one, I had to give him Flair-isms.
Leary: Chops and "Whoo". That's actually, sadly, not far from all Flair does these days.
Skeeter: Time makes jobbers of us all, sadly.
Are you going to..
SSS: ... do that every time someone does a chop, Boogie?
Skeeter: Lucky this match was written in '99, or he'd be going 'WHAT? WHAT?" instead. I hate that bit.
Leary: We are all just trained dogs. It took fans three years to stop chanting E-C-Dub after table spots. ECW is dead, people! Hate to break it to you.
BW: Yup. I invented it!
SSS: Super. Whip to the opposite corner by the Mime. Loco leaps onto the buckle and .. MOONSAULT!
Skeeter: So here's where the Mimes schtick comes out. In my head, he's Bam Bam Bigelow, only with less talent and worse judgement.
Just missed, though! And.. OH LORD! The Mime is going up.. he's attempting the Moonsault, too!
Skeeter: I would pay good money to see the Big Show try this...
Leary: Bam Bam, I believe, could hit a moonsault. I may be confusing him with someone else. But it's always quite a sight to see a fat guy do a moonsault.
Skeeter: Yep, Bam Bams moonsault was pretty impressive... So was Brocks Shooting Star Press, but for entirely different reasons.
SW: Pankcakes anyone?
Skeeter: *laugh* That line still works for me. It's just so casual.
SSS: Loco looks to take control after that thunderous miss by the Mime! Drop-kick! Spinning heel kick! Ch..
Skeeter: Sammy, ever the professional refuses to be cut off mid-call.
Leary: I'm just waiting for the fat guy to beat the little guy.
Loco to the top! Leaping head-scissors takedown! But the Mime is too bottom heavy to use that move on! Loco ends up dangling around his neck like a piece of cheap jewelery!
Leary: Now there's a great visual.
Skeeter: Just what I was about to say. It's one of those moves that should never work, and for once, it didn't.
Leary: And if they did try to make it work, Loco would probably have his neck snapped under all that weight.
Skeeter: I still remember cringing everytime Mabel had to sell for a smaller guy... just scary at times.
And the Mime starts a giant swing!
Skeeter: One of my more over-used old-school manuevers. Along with the shoulderbreaker, you just never see it any more.
Around and around he goes! Loco getting hurled outwards by the centrifugal force...
SW: EVERBODY DOWN!
Leary: Making himself mighty dizzy in the process as well, no doubt.
Skeeter: Yep. If you don't sell it yourself, you're ripping off the fans in my opinion. I still have Homicidal Hank use the Giant Swing on occasions.
BW: WHOOOO! That boy nearly took yo head off, Sammy!
SSS: I got of lightly compared to the people in the front row, Boogie!
Skeeter: The WWF fans were a pretty tolerant bunch. I was forever having wrestlers end up in the crowd. Lawsuit city, huh?
Leary: The only fed that encouraged mosh pitters with open arms.
Loco struggles out of the rubble! What a competitor! He doesn't know when he's beaten! He doesn't know when he's winning either! He has no working sensory apparatus whatsoever!
Skeeter: Y'know, if I'm going to rip off Monthy Python, I'm going to make it REAL obvious that I'm ripping off Monty Python. I loved that show.
BW: Say Whut?
Skeeter: Obviously, Boogie wasn't a fan of the show, though.
Leary: Yep. He was probably still in the "Mr. Ed" era of television.
Skeeter: A talking horse? Now THAT's funny! Ooooh, yeah!
SSS: The Mime drags Loco back into the ring.. Scoop.. and a thunderous sidewalk slam!
Skeeter: I must have watched a Nash match right before writing this. It's the only explanation.
Leary: Yep. Of course, if Tony were calling this match, didn't he call every slam a "sidewalk slam"?
Skeeter: Pretty much. Of course, he was co-calling it with Eric 'Round sweep back leg kick" Bischoff at times.
Can Loco kick out??? 1..2.. 3!
SW: No.. no he can't.
SSS: Well so much for that angle then..
Skeeter: Rey Mysterio Jrs gimmick is in safe hands.
Leary: Way to keep those lightweights jobbing!
Skeeter: I like cruiserweight matches. But man, they do get a rough deal in the big leagues.
Bubba: Here is your winner.. THE MIME!
Skeeter: And nobody cares. But it was an adequte curtain jerker match, so it served its purpose.
SSS: Well, what a spectacularly pointless opening match that was! But without further ado, lets go straight back to Bubba for our next match!
Skeeter: Honesty in commentary, once more.
Leary: And not from Scotty, again. That's what surprises me. Of course, we can just say that our commentary has more depth that way, right?
Skeeter: Yeah, that works for me.
Bubba: What? I was expecting a commercial or something.. ummm.. oh, look, there's the Pissed teens.. and here comes D.D.U and D.D.S.. must be a tag match or something..
Skeeter: Bubbas confusion was an echo of mine. I still didn't really know what the Double D's gimmick was. I still don't, really.
Leary: So now everybody is lost in cyberspace.
SSS: Thanks for that, Bubba.. Well, the DD's making their first appearance in the WWF here at Barnyard Blitkrieg. How will they fare against the former tag Champs, the Pissed teens.
Skeeter: I'll give away the end... I decided about here that the DD's matches would end in DQ's until I figured out what to do with them. But the handler quit before I did, so they faded out to being Battle Royale filler pretty quick.
Leary: I wonder if even the handler, truly knew, what their gimmick was.
Skeeter: I'll never be sure. Anyway, they helped fill out the card, so they served a purpose too!
Mike: Uhhhh.. like, where's Nurse Heidi. Isn't she gonna get, like.. naked and stuff?
Tim: Yeah! Yeah! Where is she? Huh? Huh?
Skeeter: Some of the easiest dialogue to write... right up there with Coma monalogues.
Leary: *Laugh* I know you despised Beavis and Butthead, but, buddy, that's good stuff right there. Maybe you have to be from the U.S. to enjoy it since you know so many brain dead idiots as them.
Skeeter: *laugh* Hey, I work in tourism, I've met a few myself.
SSS: That's later you idiots! OH! D.D.S and D.D.U attack the Teens from behind! A big haymaker sends Mike down to the mat!
SW: Well, if there's anyplace to use a haymaker..
Skeeter: A fairly subtle joke from Scotty, without any sexual content. Wonders never cease.
Leary: How life would be different today in wrestling if they had decided to use the other, less popular, "pitchforker" to describe a big punch.
Skeeter: Now THERE'S a cliche Scotty could twist! "Holy forker!
BW: It's right here at Barnyard Blitkrieg, Bay-beee! WHOOO!
SSS: That's really getting annoying, Boogie..
Leary: Hello, Mongo, bay-bee!
Skeeter: I channeled Steve McMicheal? Shame on me! *laugh* Oh, and I've never been to a live wrestling event. But I could see myself punching someone for over-using "WHOO!" or "WHAT?"
Tim is tossed over the top rope by D.D.S! Some double teaming now! Spiked Powerbomb! A couple of leg-drops! Mikes in a world of hurt!
Skeeter: The spiked powerbomb is a bit pointless. You're slamming a guy on his back, does it really help if I push him down a bit, too?
Leary: I do remember a rather nasty spike powerbomb from the WCW days. I remember Raven and Kanyon hit the move, and it looked like it hurt the guy, too.
Skeeter: Wait a second... Reece! That was the Flock guy, wasn't it?
Leary: Ding ding ding. You win the trip to lovely downtown of your hometown, courtesy of your wallet.
Skeeter: Yay! Big props to ya Reece, wherever you may be!
Tims getting back up again.. he's on the apron! But a baseball slide from D.D.U knocks him back down. D.D.U follows Tim out to the floor. D.D.S is working over Mike in the ring..
Leary: He's giving him the business.
Skeeter: This team was tricky to keep track of... Lucky they didn't have a manager called "D.D.T", or I'd have gone nuts.
SW: Look out! D.D.U has a chair! WHAM! He just waffled Tim with it! SupeRef never saw that!
Leary: Did you ever allow DDS or DDU to hit a DDT during a match?
Skeeter: I think so, at least once. I should have had DDP do a run-in.
Leary: And somebody rate the match as a D.U.D.
Skeeter: That would have worked. Where were you four years ago, man> *laugh*
And again! Tim is down! D.D.U places the chair over Tims face..he's going up to the top!
SSS: I can't look!
Skeeter: Or do play-by-play... lucky Scotty took over, and did an okay job of it, too.
Leary: Scotty does love the violence.
SW: OH!! Leg-drop from the top! Right onto the steel chair! Tims own mother won't recognise him after that!
Skeeter: If he LOOKED like Beavis, that could only be an improvement.
Leary: I don't think his mother would recognize much in her perpetual drunken haze.
BW: Awwwww, yeah! That's takin' it to them! Hardcore, Baby!
Skeeter: I have no idea who Boogie was being at that stage. I had him as the love-child of Hogan and Savage most of the card.
Leary: Mongo, bay-bay!
SSS: Mike fighting valiantly in the ring.. but he's taking on two men.. SupeRef trying to get one of the D's out of the ring.. Double neckbreaker! Double back body drop!
SW: Double Jepoardy for Mike!
Skeeter: That's a weak fucking line. Scotty should be as ashamed of it as I am.
Leary: *Laugh* Blame it on the year.
Skeeter: Yep. I've had funnier days.
SSS: Supes has had enough! He's calling for the bell!
SW: The DD's just Ddont care! The ddoing a number on Mike! Ddirty, rotten cheaters, ddudde!
Skeeter: Okay, Scotty redeems himself with that line. That's the beauty of web-based comedy. You can do things that would NEVER fly on TV or even radio.
Leary: Sometimes you hit pop-ups. Sometimes you hit homeruns.
Skeeter: Sometimes both in the space of one innings.
Leary: Thus ends our Baseball E-Wrestling Philosophy 101 for the day. Thanks for coming. Pop quiz next week.
SSS: Do you have to do that, Scotty?
SW: Do what?
Skeeter: Either completely oblivious or just messing with Sammy. Maybe we added echo effects in post-production?
SSS: Mike is still getting pummelled in the ring. Tim hasn't moved since that leg-drop! Security is finally on it's way to break up this mugging. A DQ win for the Teens, but they paid for it, big-time!
Leary: Uhhh...huhhuhhuh. Fartknocker.
Skeeter: *laugh* Yep, repeat that line forty times. Congrats, you just wrote a Beavis and Butthead script.
BW: OWWW! Have mercy!
SSS: Sure, Boogie, whatever..
Leary: Yep. Combine Dude Love and Mongo McMichael, and that's who you're channeling here.
Skeeter: Yep, although I don't think it's an intentional parody, just a coincidence. I was aiming more for the vocal stylings of Johhny B. Badd at times.
Leary: Good golly, Miss Molly.
Skeeter: I mean, how can you not like a guy who used the line 'I'm so pretty, i ought to have been born a little girl!' in a promo?
Well.. let's head back to Bubba for the most-eagerly anticipated non-title match of the year!
Voiceover: It's TIME! It's TIME! It's PUPPY TIME!
Skeeter: A pretty obvious reference in the voice-over, of course.
Leary: Jerry Lawler? *Laugh*
Skeeter: *laugh* Yep, that's 50% of it, so I'll give you a C+.
[The massed fans go absolutly nuts. The "J.C" chants starts up.]
Bubba: Ladies and Gentlemen! This is the LOSER STRIPS Match!
Leary: Is this the WWF or XPW?
Skeeter: I thought this was a pretty low-brow concept, but when you see what Vince Russo booked in the years afterwards, I was pretty tame in comparison. And once I did a Schmucks review of a "Hot Tub" match, I was well back in the Smuttyness Stakes.
Introducing first, weighing a svelte 119 pounds, from Phoenix, Arizona.. representing Club Med, NURSE HEIDI!
Leary: Every male fan hoping she's gonna lose, of course.
Skeeter: I assume 119 pounds is "svelte", right? I'm a metric-using SOB, after all.
Leary: Me, and I bet Scotty, are confused by the usage of this term 'svelte'.
Skeeter: I always liked my matches to be smutty, yet educational.
Leary: A dictionary in one hand, and a dick in the other?
Skeeter: Yeah, if you like. *laugh*
["Centerfold" by the j. geils band plays as heidi walks down the aisle. she stops by the steps and sheds her robe, revealling a studded leather bikini. the crowd reaction can be heard three counties away. ]
Skeeter: Oh, my God in heaven. Now HERE is a mkatch that works better on TV.
Leary: This match does need some visual evidence.
BW: Whooo! I'd job to her, anyday!
Skeeter: Good pickup line for smarkrs, that one.
Leary: This is the only match stipulation where that pickup line wouldn't work though. For the fans, anyhow.
Skeeter: Nope. J. C Brawley was face-by-default for this one... first time in his career, i think.
Bubba: And her opponent... the manager of the Barbados Skanks.. J.C Braaaaawly!
[The pop increases as J.C. runs down to the ring to the sound of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones "The Impression That I Get". (which isn't J.C or the Skanks music, but I happen to think it's a pretty cool song. Sue me.)
Skeeter: That was a cool song. Still is, in fact. This was one of the few times the disembodied narrator of the WWF had a Disembodied Narrator (BOB-style) moment.
Leary: I remember that tune. Probably their most popular song. I was never a big fan of their style, but hey. I don't have a lawyer on retainer, so you're safe.
Skeeter: We respect your musical opinions here, Leary. Since you like Tadpole, and all.
SSS: Well, the crowd is right behind Brawley in this one! And with the stakes this high, who can blame them!
[The director gives us a sweeping pan of the rabid fans. three muscular women with flattops in the front row are leading the "J.C" chant.]
Skeeter: You see, we cater to all types in e-wrestling. Accuse us of shallow, sexist behaviour no more!
Leary: Yeah. We love butch lesbos. Really...
SW: And here we go!
Skeeter: You can accuse Scotty and Boogie of being shallow and sexist, I guess.
Leary: I'm sure they'd admit as much. Of course, we've got stacks of evidence against them at this point. Well...Scotty anyway.
SSS: Settle, guys, settle! They lock up.. hammerlock from Brawley.. reversal from Heidi!
Skeeter: Technical wrestling! Even in my low-brow smutfest, I still got in more moves than a A-train match!
Reversed again by J.C! Heidi does that little hands-free-head-flipping escape that Owen Hart was so great at!
Skeeter: Fuck, I wish i knew what to call that move. I was such a Blue Blazer mark as a teenager.
Leary: Just call it the Blazer Escape. There. I just named it for you.
Skeeter: I thank you.
She scoops brawley up! Slams him to the mat!
BW: That little ladies gots the moves!
Skeeter: Well, it's a bodyslam. But if Boogie is based on Hogan, he's got the right to be impressed. "She's using MY move! Whoo!"
Leary: Heidi always did have an impressive offense when given the chance to show it off.
Skeeter: I think I based her offense off early Sable matches. She could go... beats the hell out of the hair-pulling slapfest that pass for womens matches nowadays.
SSS: Standing splash! Covers.. But just a one count! Brawley grabs a handful..
SSS: ...of hair.
Leary: *Laugh* Another one I thought was Scotty's. Maybe they mixed up scripts.
Skeeter: Double entendres always help in matches like this. I watched a lot of "Carry On" films as a kid. That probably influenced me badly.
A snapmare by the hair! That's gotta smart!
SW: C'mon J.C.! Take control of this!
Skeeter: Scotty would root for Ghandi if he turned heel, I think.
Leary: A heel til he dies.
SSS: Heidi rises.. Brawley with a snap suplex! Nice move! Slingshot to the buckle!
Skeeter: First-year matches from me were a little light on the transitions, but I did try to make them logical at least. The worst thing you can do in e-wrestling is to become a human Zeus simulator. "Shooting Star Press!' By the Undertaker? Uh-huh...
Leary: I wouldn't expect much chain wrestling in parody wrestling. But of course, anybody who's read a match I've written for BOB knows that already.
Skeeter: This IS ten times better than anything I've written in months, though. Outside a Seth Harker match for BSCW. Even that took me four weeks to complete.
Heidi's playing with the big boys now!
BW: Aw, he aint that big.. now me, I go about eleven and a half..
Skeeter: That's one of my least-subtle sexual inuenndos.
SSS: Whoa! Sorry to interupt, but did you see that move by Heidi?
Skeeter: That's a Schiavonne line... "Did you see that!" No, we're watching another match entirely, Tony.
Leary: Yep. We saw it. But Tony would never know how to call it. His only skill was talking up over-the-hill main eventers.
SW: Me either.
SSS: Damn. I wonder what is was?
Skeeter: There's a little spin on the cliche. Everyone WAS watching something else. Although what took Scottys' attention away from a sweaty Nurse Heidi is anybodys guess.
Leary: He must have his ADD more under control these days.
Anyway, Heidi has J.C. in a body scissors! Look at the pressure she's exerting with those thighs!
SW: I'm looking, I'm looking!
Skeeter: *laugh* That's my boy.
SSS: Brawley makes it to the ropes. Heidi drags him back off the middle rope! J.C's head bounced off the canvas with a resounding thud! stomp to the midsection! Oooh! A south-of-the-border kneedrop!
Skeeter: That's a kneedrop that hits you right in the Tijuanas...
Leary: Ay chihuhua.
Skeeter: I think every guy remembers the first time he was hit in the 'nads. I was trying to pole-vault as a kid. With a tent pole. I never realized what my nuts were for until that exact moment.
Leary: Hmm...I must have blocked that from my memory. Though I do remember vividly once in a gym class being bent over and eventually collapsing after doing something. Maybe it was climbing those stupid ropes.
Skeeter: Friction burns? Ouch.
the male fans cringe at that sight of that one! And Heidi's going to the top! What will she do here? 450 Heidi-splash! 1..2..no!
Skeeter: Now that should have given away the screwjob finish.
Leary: Man, Heidi can go. It's a shame she retired to the announce booth.
Skeeter: Sables' career really mirrors Heidis... and I don't even think that was intentional.
Brawley gets the shoulder up! Do you believe the intensity here?
SW: C'mon J.C! Let's go! Yeah!
Leary: We'll have to get Heidi into a low-budget parody porn magazine next...
Skeeter: Well, J did that at one stage. "Hardcore magazine" did a layout... so we found and "censored" a picture of a nice young lady in a nurses costume. Well, half a nurses costume, anyway. *laugh*
Leary: Well, Sable did a second shoot. It'd fit...
Skeeter: Yep. I just wish I still had that picture.
SSS: Great move by Brawley, hotshotting Heidi on the top rope! Asashi moonsault! Covers.. but Heidi kicks out at 2! Brawley to the ropes.. famouser! This should be it!
Leary: Asashi? *Laugh*
Skeeter: Man, I invented two new moves there. The Fa-mouser? Squeak!
Leary: You are a true innovator. Of what, I have no idea.
Skeeter: Spellcheckers are for pussies.
SW: Hold the phone! Here comes the cavalry, baby!
SSS: It's the Ambulance Jockeys! They're on their way to the ring..
Skeeter: Cue the run-in! Just like in real life, tease the nudity, then screw the fans out of it.
Leary: You'd think the fans would catch on and stop watching. It only took me...uh...10 years or so.
Skeeter: Well, you kind of had to keep watching, in case Russo went 'Ahh, the hell with it! Naked Jell-O Match!".
but who are they coming out to help? You know both these boys want to see Heidi strip! Will their stable loyalty win out over their raging hormones?
Skeeter: I assume this was still "Club Med", at this stage.
Leary: I was about to ask. If they're heels, then the answer is quite obvious. But if they're faces, all bets are off.
Skeeter: I'd pick them as the faces-by-default... the Jocks were normally somewhere in the tweener-zone. They went heel, but The Head trauma Boys joined the stable and dragged them back to face with randomness and silly noises.
SupeRef breaks the count and heads over to stop them interfering! Brawley is still covering heidi! I've already counted to eight! This one should be over!
Skeeter: And screwjob in three... two.. one...
BW: Hey, whos dat comin' outta the stands?
SSS: It's the fumbuckers! They're in the ring!
Skeeter: How we got away with the Fumbuckers, I'll never know. The ISP had a clause that could kick you off for profanity and sexual content.
Leary: You played the system. Nothing at all wrong with a Fumbucker as far an ISP is concerned.
Skeeter: Yep. Rear Admiral Dick Groper was another we got away with.
And the ref is tied up with the Jocks! What's going on? Leon and Diontray are attacking Brawley!! They set him up.. Spiked piledriver!
Skeeter: I loved the spiked piledriver, especially in my mark-out days. Watching Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard steal matches with the "illeagal" move was great.
Leary: Indeed. Ah, the good old days. Ignorance was such bliss before we figured out everything was "staged" as they say.
Skeeter: If my phine rings and it's Kay Fabe, I'm not answering...
Leon draps heidi over Brawley! Superef turns around as the Fumbuckers slide out! 1..2..3! Heidi wins!
Skeeter: That's only missing slow-mo to make it perfect.
Leary: Maybe next pay-per-view we'll have some nudity. But, doubtful. Buy it to find out, order now!
Skeeter: Free kittens for every tenth caller!
SSS: The fans are going to kill us! Heidi will not have to strip!
SW: But, uh.. Brawley will..
SSS: And the Fumbuckers are in the ring, letting him know about it! Leon's even got a Polaroid camera!
Skeeter: In my own defense, it's a screw-job, but it's a LOGICAL screwjob.
Brawley's enraged! He's waving at someone down the aisle.. and here come the skanks! They're in the ring.. and a huge brawl is erupting!
Leary: I'm guessing to welch on the stripping clause.
Skeeter: Yep. Equality id fine in theory, but who wants to see a guy stripping? Apart from The Fumbuckers and Heidi, that is? This isn't a Pier Six Brawl, incidentally. I'm still not even sure where Pier Six is...
Leary: I think it's when six people fight. That's best I could ever guess. Then maybe it jumps to a Pier Eighter when two more people got involved.
The Skanks, the Jocks and the Fumbuckers.. and wait...
SW: Can I do this one..
SSS: Well... just this once..
SW: And here come the champs!
Skeeter: Well, this is about a Pier Ten-er, then.That's a crowded pier.
Leary: I see our next project. Pier 6 Wrestling. The first fed to ever have a number in its acronym.
Skeeter: *ahem* 360WE? That's NOT a good pedigree to follow.
Leary: Oh. Damn. That's right.
BW: Nicely done, brother!
SSS: "Cold Stone" Steve Roberts and Mike "The Hammer" Collins are in the ring!
Skeeter: And that's the best intro I could give them. The curse of BOB... ie. people stopping roleplaying the moment they won a belt... started here, i think.
Leary: It's the jobber intro. Never a good sign.
Eight men are slugging it out now! This is mayhem! Wait a minute! Superef is calling for the bell.. you know what this means?
SW: We've got a four-way dance for the titles?
Skeeter: And Steve writes himself into a confusing-as-hell slobberknocker. As usual.
Leary: And it's not even a battle royal.
SSS: We've got a.. oh, you did know what it means.
Skeeter: Scotty still not grasping the concept of a rhetorical question.
Leary: Rhetorical he can spell. But don't make him spell asai. *Laugh*
Skeeter: Kiss my asai.. *laugh*
All eight men are pummelling each other mercilessly! What are the rules here? Will one pin finish the match? Is it elimination style? Anyone know?
Leary: I'd ask Scotty. He seems to grasp what's going on.
Skeeter: Yeah, I think he cheats and reads ahead during chinlocks and bearhugs.
BW: Don't ask me, brother, I just work here.. Wh..
SSS: Chop by Leon.
Skeeter: Did I mention how much I love a running gag? You have to keep coming up with twists on it, though.
Leary: Yep. BOB is 90 percent recycling and running gags. Trippy.
Skeeter: The other 10 percent is in-jokes and self-glorification. Welly.
SSS: Supes finally gets roberts and diontray out of the ring.. Barry gets drop-kicked out by Leon.. and Carl X and Loomis are out on the apron, hitting each other. Brawley better get them focused again..
Leary: Carl X isn't Mr. X, right?
Skeeter: Nope. Carl was a huge tribal guy who liked hitting people. Mr X was a government agent turned goodfella who likes whacking people. It's tricky to tell them apart at times, I'll admit. *laugh*
Leary: Didn't know if this was another one of our repackaging deals. Like Unorthodoxo and Insano Mano.
Skeeter: I think most of our repackaging was unconsciously done. Except StreetMime. He's too good a character to ditch.
meanwhile Garry and Collins lock it up! Arm-drag take down from Garry! Collins regains his vertical base and and gets a knee lift from leon!
Skeeter: You can usually tell when I was writing flat out but the missed capital letters. When I get Bookers Block, the spelling improves as I re-write over and over.
Leary: When stream of consciousness stops flowing, grammar improves. Makes sense.
SW: The ref can't control this! Check out the action outside the ring! Diontray found the box of hardcore props(tm) under the ring!
Skeeter: The Box o' Hardcore Props was a concept borrowed from DK over at the STWF. It must have been a big-ass box with some of the crap that came out of it. Brooms, rakes, movie scripts, exercise machines....
Leary: That's one spacious spot under the ring then.
He smashes that pre-cut broom over Barrys cranium!
SSS: A broom? This is Barnyard Blitzkrieg! Get creative guys! Oh, that's better... a pre-cut rake!
Leary: I'm waiting for a pre-cut pitchfork.
Skeeter: I think OSH would have crucified us for that....
Leon destroys it over Loomis the viles' back! Barry has an aluminum milking pail!
Skeeter: Or, "alumnm", if you pronounce it American-style.
Leary: I resemble that remark.
Skeeter: There's a stand-up comedian here who thinks Americans decided there was too many vowels in that word. So they drop an "I' and added it to Iowa. Or Mississippi, if you like.
Leary: It's to avoid confusion with our favorite word, Illuminate. Since we are such a high class of people over here. *Laughs*
Skeeter: Take your word for it, buddy. *laugh*
He looks for a target.. and Roberts will fit the bill quite nicely! Look at that aluminum warp as he drops Roberts with it!
Leary: You know what else saves on the aluminum dealie? Saying a silver bat. Or black bat. Since those are aluminum. Except for the fake rubber black bats, of course.
Skeeter: Rubber bats? The ones on strings in cheap vampire movies?
Leary: No. The one Sting used to use in WCW.
Skeeter: Ahh, gotcha. The BigBOSS would still be too cheap to spring for those. He'd proably sooner go through the dumpster outside a ballpark looking for salvagable broken bats.
BW: Heads up! Garry just got backdropped ova tha top rope inta his own partna!
Skeeter: Now he's really turning into Kevin whats-his-face, right?
Leary: Just a little bit, yep.
Skeeter: Unintentional, but funny. My apolgies, Mr. Sullivan. Your royalty check is in the post.
SSS: The more i hear you talk, boogie, the less I understand.. There's too much action to call here! Roberts bulldogs leon into the steps!
Skeeter: That would really fucking hurt if you blew the spot...
Leary: I always did like that spot. It is a bit dangerous to use though.
Garry powerslams Leon! Carl and Loomis are still shoving each other around.. Brawley just can't get them focused! In the ring, Diontray has Collins in the corner...
Skeeter: Prepare to have the last ounce of humour squeezed out of this running gag...
SSS: Oh, great.. Just tell us when he stops chopping him, Boogie...
BW: Whoooo!... whoooo!... whoooo!... whoooo!... whoooo!... whoooo!... ... ...
SSS: Is it ov..
Skeeter: And I think that's it. Maybe one more "Whoo" line later on, but I got my moneys worth on the gag.
Good! Brawley is in the aisle.. who's he waving to? Oh, good lord! The two Spanish girls with acoustic guitars(tm)!!
Skeeter: The Skanks appealed to my surrealist side. The fact that they could be whipped into action by Spanish chicks playing guitars was a winner of a gimmick.
Leary: You can't beat that. It's like a Spanish version of Popeye.
They're coming down the aisle! J.C Brawley is getting out the heavy artillery!
1st sgwag: Kum-by-ya, my lord.. kum-by-ya...
2nd SGWAG: OLE!
Skeeter: Folk songs irritate me... I figured they'd do the same for the skanks. You're just lucky I'd never heard of "John Jacob Jingelheimerschmidt" at this point.
Leary: There could always be a Skanks reunion.
Skeeter: *laugh* Yeah, I'll book the roof of Capitol Records and hire Paul McCartney to play bass.
SSS: AND THE SKANKS HAVE SNAPPED! Look at them go to work! Powerbombs and pump-handle slams!
Skeeter: Moveset by Test and A-train.
Bodyslams and backdrops! Leon gets piledriven into a chair!
Leary: All heck has broken loose.
Garry is clotheslined out of his shoes!
Skeeter: And I would hope that's literal. Nothing left but a pair of boot in the ring.
The Skanks are cleaning house.. and they've got Roberts! They drag him into the ring! Huge double headbutt! Carl covers.. 1..2....3!!!
Skeeter: And the champs do indeed job. Non-roleplay at your peril.
Leary: It's like playing Russian roulette. You may job or you may not. It all depends what mood the booker is in.
Skeeter: Yep. Angles, schmangles. When you join a fed that books matches via a deck of cards or a basketball tournament, good luck, you're going to need it!
*** Bell Rings
Bubba: Here is your winners.. and NEWWWWWWWW Tag Team Champions.. THE BARBADOS SKANKS!
Skeeter: Notice how every announcer uses Howard Finkels speech patterns?
Leary: It's a winning formula. His voice used to give me chills on those big title changes.
Skeeter: Which is why the "Guest Ring Announcer" was always a bad idea. Drunken Burt Reynolds, come on down Except Bob Eucher... he was pretty cool.
SSS: The Skanks are the new champs! Unbelievable! Especially since Brawley said they were quitting the WWF right after the Pay-per-view!
Skeeter: And thus, mny desperate attempt to keep them in the fed. Didn't work, of course, just gave us more non-roleplaying champs.
Leary: Or...looking at the half-full...a plot twist! OK, so I'm stretching...
What will happen now? Will the Skanks forfeit the belts? Will he reconsider? Will they just leave and take the belts with them?
BW: So, like, why are you askin' us, brother?
SSS: Force of habit.
Leary: It's rhetorical, baby.
Skeeter: What does that mean.. wait, don't answer that.
Anyway, the brawl is still in progress, so let's head over to the Cow Pasture for our next match! It's the Cow Pasture Hoe-down for the NQGETBWC Title! Sillicone M. Plants, vs the Domino!
Leary: Ah, one of my favorite matches of all time.
Skeeter: You were a mark for the domino, weren't you? What was it, the Domino Rally gimmick or the blatant Rock rip-offs?
Leary: This one really was more for the style of the match than the Domino. Though, I did like his blatant Rock ripoff, no doubt.
SW: Now, what exactly is a Cow pasture hoe-down anyway?
SSS: Beats me. But let's go to our Special Guest Ring Announcer and Square dance Caller, JIM DANDY!
Skeeter: *laugh* Hoo-boy. Jim Dandy, huh? I was in the zone. Yee-ha.
[We cut to a Cow pasture. A wrestling ring has been set up inside it. A small stage nearby has a country and western band on it, along with a group of line dancers.
Skeeter: Line dancing was still pretty huge at this stage, I think. Bill Ray Cyrus, where's that comeback tour we're all dying for?
Leary: Line dancing was huge? What are you folks on in New Zealand. *Laugh*
Skeeter: Hey, that was a worldwide phenomonem. I think. Personally, I've never been. But sadly, my wife, mother and mother-in-law all tried it at some stage. You're telling me you never scooted your boots in Massachusetts?
The band begins to play a hoe-down, sung by a balding man in a sequinned shirt.]
Skeeter: The hoe-down definitely came from "Who's Line is it Anyway?"... the British version.
"Welll, howdy everbody, now listen up to me,
Theres a guy coming down the aisle and his name is SMP.
Skeeter: Now for full effect, sing the hoe-down in a tragically nasal voice. Loudly. In a public place.
Leary: Yeehaw. So, your original idea for this match came from "Who's Line Is It Anyway"?
Skeeter: Yep. I was watching it religiously... So when the words "Cow Pasture Hoe-Down" appeared in the upcoming cards list, I knew exactly what I was goimng to do. And that's a first.
And comin' right behind him, there is the Domino,
So somebody should ring the bell, and we'll start the show!"
Leary: Did this take a long time to get the rhymes to work for you?
Skeeter: Not that i remember. It's a fairly simple formula, the hoe-down. I'd already done a lengthy one in a Homicidal hank roleplay for the STWF. Although, as you'll see, I went sailing into left field as the rhymes dried up.
Skeeter: Always with the asterisks on the "Bell Rings" line. Another e-cliche.
"Now Plants is gonna start it with a right cross to the jaw,
But the Domino he takes it and he comes right back for more.
Leary: That almost rhymed. Points for effort.
Skeeter: Close enough for jazz. Or country, at least.
Plants is giving lefts and rights, he just can't be stopped,
Until he went and missed one and he got atomic dropped!"
Skeeter: That's actually a fairly classic wrestling sequence from the 80's. Miss the roundhouse, spin 180 and get atomic dropped.
Leary: Yep. A Michael P.S. Hayes staple, I'm not mistaken.
"Now Domino is stompin', on Mr SMP,
And that standin' side kick, she looked purty good to me.
Leary: Ah, so wrestling moves are ladies like cars, eh?
Skeeter: Well, with a hoe-down caller, "purty" was the word i had to use. I think the secret to a hoe-down is easily-rhymed words. Small words like "me" are good.
He's going for a suplex, that's gotta take some guts,
But SMP reversed it and he kicked him in the nuts!"
Skeeter: And anytime you can kick a guy in the 'nads and make it rhyme is a good day.
Leary: You just don't get quality entertainment like that every day.
"Plants is going strong now, he gives a chop or two,
And that guy down at the table, well he keeps on yellin' WHOO!
Skeeter: Lucky this wasn't a decade later, or he'd be yelling "WHAT?". And then I'd have to hurt myself.
Leary: Gee, Skeeter, this commentating is fun.
How much longer 'til we're done?
Leary: I can rhyme too. I just choose not to, for the benefit of our poor readers.
Skeeter: I bet they appreciate that. *laughs*
And there's a nice neckbreaker, Plants is def-nit-ly on top,
And now he isn't chopping, well I wish that guy would stop!"
Skeeter: And that pretty much did it for the WHOO running gag. i got plenty of mileage out of it, though.
Leary: Yep. It's the BOB "running on fumes" philosophy. Because fumes make you goofy.
[The band changes from a hoe-down to square dance music. The dancers are doing a wild boot-scooting boogie by now.]
Skeeter: My square-dancers always scoot their boots. Mainly because it's the only line-dancing move I know. Did I mention I hate country? I'm sure I did.
"Well, take that doctor, do-si-do
Slap his face and stomp his toe!
Tilt-a-whirl backbreak, round and round,
Slam his carcass to the groud!"
Skeeter: Now this was inspired by an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. One where he gets two feuding hillbillies to beat each other up via a square-dance. Classic stuff.
"Alamen left, alamen right!
All in the middle for a big fistfight!"
Skeeter: And that was a direct steal from that cartoon. But if it was over fifty years old, it's probably public domain by now. So fuck 'em.
Leary: *Laughs* Stealing from Bugs Bunny. He has no morals at all.
Skeeter: I'm a rebel, baby.
[The band goes into a manic version of "Turkey in the Straw". The line dancers continue to scoot their boots. The match? Well, lots of things are happening in the ring.. use your imagination! Do I have to do everything here?
Leary: I know. Stupid readers, demanding stuff to read. Make up your own damn entertainment!
Skeeter: The Disembodied Narrator as a character was pretty much a certainty from the get-go, huh?
Leary: Yep. I got the idea to use him more, but it was all based on lines like these that you and J would throw in in the narration fields. He was just a pup here, gaining strength. Ready to raise hell upon BOB...even though BOB didn't exist yet. But he knew. Oh yes...he knew...
Anyway, the music suddenly takes a sharp left-turn into a country-tinged rap.]
Skeeter: Okay, try to spot the moment I ran out of hoe-down lines. Anyone?
Leary: The only other genre we need is opera, for that pesky fat lady.
"Now Plants takes over in this see-saw thing,
As they go at it hard in the 'rassling ring.
Leg-drops, big chops, Punchin' hard!
Now can Plants play his trump card?"
Leary: Not many people would even dare to rhyme trump card.
Skeeter: I had balls the size of canteloupes back then, I guess. Now I'd take one look at the stupid stipulations and write a backstage brawl to blow off the match.
Line Dancers: Everbody Scream!
Everybody scream for SMP!
Skeeter: That does not fucking rhyme. What the hell was I thinking?
Leary: Scream...SMP...scream...SMP...nope, sorry buddy. That doesn't rhyme. I can't try and cover for you on that one.
Skeeter: I only just realized that, too. Four years of blissful ignorance goes down the gurgler.
"But D-mans back, and he's rallyin' fast,
How long is this sucker going to last?
This match here, just aint too funny,
Lastin' longer than that damn Bunny!"
Leary: Bugs? Or the Energizer Bunny?
Skeeter: A little of both, I think. And I like that I'm able to complain about the match being too long. That'd never happen again. Not until Comavision, anyway.
Line Dancers: Now say YO!
Now say Yo!
Now say Yo for the Dom-in-no!
Skeeter: Now that DOES rhyme... and it's still one of my favorite lines in the rap.
"Plants in charge, he's a real live wi-ya!
Goin' for big death valley Driva!
Looked pretty good from here to me,
Ref goes to count... and he counts to THREE!"
Skeeter: Jim Dandys' getting all South-Central on us by the last verse.
Leary: Changing word pronunciations even though they already rhyme. Now that's commitment.
Line Dancers: One, two , three!
One, two, three!
One two three for SMP!
Skeeter: Okay, I made up for the scream-SMP fiasco, I think.
Leary: Yes you did.
You did good dude...Er...kid.
[We cut back to The announce table.]
Skeeter: *laughs* Nicely underplayed by Sammy.
Let's go to Bubba for the official word.
Bubba: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWWWWWWWW "NQGETBWC" champion.. S.M.P!!!
Skeeter: Now, I wonder... did he have to say each letter individually, or did he just try to pronounce that word. Nick-get-bwic"?
Leary: I always figured they tried to pronounce it like a word. Our announcers never could do that grammar thing very well.
Skeeter: So our fans get to hear The Masked Announce describe the Ottwim title then? Interesting.
Leary: And the Ayoofim belt.
SSS: You heard it folks.. The Ego from Beyond the Stars is our new Not Quite Good Enough to be World Champ Champion! What consequences will this have on the WWF?
SW: We'll probably have to build lots of extra-wide doors to accomodate his head...
Leary: Winning titles gives SMP a raging stiffy.
Skeeter: J was on such a roll at that stage. Writing amazing promos for his guys, picking up titles in every fed he joined. We even "invaded" a serious fed a while afterwards, won all the titles and then quit.
SSS: Well, that's as maybe, but there's things to do and people to be, so let's pop the top off another one and get jiggy with it down in the barnyard!
Leary: That's a scary statement. Nobody should get jiggy with anything in a barnyard.
Skeeter: *laughs* Ow, I snorted Coke out my nose. Asshole.
SW: What the hell are you talking about, Sammy?
SSS: To tell the truth, I have no idea. Let's get up to Bubba!
Leary: Oh, and Steve, you're supposed to snort coke INTO your nose. *Laughs*
Skeeter: Point taken. You know, I always pictured Sammy as the kind of announcer who just reads the script, no matter what you put on it.
Bubba: The Following contest is scheduled for one fall. Yeeha. In the ring at ths time.. "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS!
Skeeter: "Handsome" Hank. It's kind of sad that a lame 'I'm gay" gimmick would become a major WWF storyline not one, but twice in the years after this.
Leary: Handsome Hank of course later became Homicidal Hank. Right, Steve?
Skeeter: Uhhh... no. Not remotely. In fact, I was slightly insulted about this Hank. We never got around to the cross-over match between the Hanks, though.
[The crowd boos.. and in some cases, moos.]
Bubba: And his opponent.. with his manager, "I Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean".. OINGO BOINGO!
Skeeter: Which I'm still sure was a band in the 80's. Can't think of what songs they sung, though.
SSS: Well, here comes the three-armed Oingo Boingo to the ring.. wait a minute! Someone just jumped out of the crowd! It's ROY D. RAGE! The crowd is going crazy!
Skeeter: Rage was the WWF's Hogan. Old, nearly washed-up, didn't wrestle much. But still got a pop every time.
Leary: They did the song "Weird Science."
Skeeter: Hogan sang "Weird Science"? Who knew...
Leary: Oingo Boingo.
Skeeter: Oingo Boingo knew, huh? Cool. *laughs*
Rage: Hey, Oingo. Now you and I both know you're here to do the big Job to Hawkins. Well, Hawkins! I challenge you right now, with the winner getting that title shot you earned at the Battle Royal! You accept, punk?
Skeeter: Look, there's me frantically backpedalling after buggering up Marty's booking plans.
Leary: It's barely even noticeable. Really.
Hank: Hey, I beat your cute @ss once.. and I'll be happy to beat it again! Get in here, loverboy!
Oingo: Fine by me. If anyone wants me, I'll be at the bar.
Skeeter: The typical reaction from anyone connected to a WWF or BOB show. We must run up huge bar tabs.
Leary: We're worse than beer ads for promoting alcoholism. Well, second behind Budweiser anyway.
Skeeter: SSS: Rage Leaps into the ring! Here we go!!
SW: Leaps? I thought he was in a wheel-chair after overdosing on his "training formula"?
Leary: It's a miracle?
Skeeter: No, just re-writing our own history. That's because the dude who handled Rage wrote a promo two days before the show was fihished, putting him in a wheelchair. No fucking way was I going back to re-write things.
SSS: Actually, that angle was supposed to begin AFTER this pay-per-view.. But anyway, Rage is in the ring, and he is hammering away on a rather suprised looking Hawkins!
SW: Does Hank realise the "Roy D. Rage" he beat a few weeks ago was actually Derelict Dan in a mask?
Skeeter: Now, i always considered this a bit of a cheat. The guy who handled Roy wrote a promo to "explain" his loss. It wasn't him, you see. Nuh-uh, no way. Very Hulk Hogan of him.
SSS: I think he does now! Big Spear! A Facebuster from Rage! Reverse DDT! Release German suplex! The fans are going nuts!
Skeeter: Admittedly, he was our major face, and as you can see, had a bigger moveset than Hogan. But you still wouldn't get away with it in BOB.
Leary: It is quite an odd excuse. I would've gone with an "I was really drunk and half-asleep during the match" defense. It's much easier.
Skeeter: And more likely.
Rage slaps on a Full Nelson! He sweeps the legs out from under Hank and faceplants him!
Skeeter: Now, whose move is that I either stole or invented? I'm thinking Edge...
Leary: That was Jeff Jarrett's finisher. I think he called it The Stroke in WCW, something else before that.
Skeeter: Ahh, yep that's the one. So, yeah, it's a steal. I feel bad about that. Annnnnd... I'm over it.
Rage is giving Hank a beating! He sends him to the ropes... drops his head.. Sunset Flip! But Rage just drops a fist to Hanks face! Hanks in real trouble now!
BW: Hey, I finally got dis mike workin' again..YEAHHHH, BAYYY-BY
Leary: Or, hey, the writer remembered me!
Skeeter: You noticed, huh? Boogie Woogie is warping into the demented offspring of Steven McMicheal and GBH by this point.
SSS: Damn. Rage still taking the fight to Hank! Huge Lariat! And another! A third! Hank is reeling! And Rage is going for the Clean and Jerk!!
SW: No way would I want to do EITHER of those things to Hank!
Skeeter: A nice coincidence that. Leading to the easiest joke of then night.
Leary: And Scotty delivers it with ease.
Skeeter: He's a pro.
SSS: Hank goes up.. WAyyyy up! And down again! Rage to the ropes and a HUGE Splash! I think it's over! 1..2..3!!! What a victory for the resurgent former Champion!
Bubba: Here is your winner of this squash.. ROY D. RAGGGGGE!!!
Skeeter: Setting him up for a massive push that went absolutely nowhere. As usual.
Leary: Yep. That's why we learned the Vince McMahon rule. Push yourself, because you know you'll never leave your own company.
Skeeter: It's been the story of BOB for years. If you get great guys in that are funny as hell to read, they'll quit the moment you make them world champ. Billy Polar, come back, all is forgiven! And bring Lord Sexbat with you!
SSS: Well, what an incredible return to the squared circle for Rage! And he will indeed be getting a title shot at the next Tornado Tursday Night! And who exactly he'll be facing will be determined right now!
Skeeter: That title shot did lead to the Half-Heavyweight Title, after the belt was accidently sawn in two. Which in the fullness of time, ended up in BOB.
Leary: Yep, for a brief, sad run. I don't think it was defended more than once.
Skeeter: Like most of the 14,326 belts we imported.
Yes! It's time for our Main Event! The Hen-House Rumble! Kamikazie Ken versus Birdboy, who has been keeping out of the spotlight in the last week. Almost an eerie silence from him.
SW: Yeah, I wonder what that was about? A psych-out or what?
Skeeter: Or: Roleplay, You Asshole!
Skeeter: I should be grateful, actually. Every time someone DID roleplay for a PPV, they always bollixed my plans in some way. Angle-based feds must be a lot easier to book.
Leary: Or the way I book, which is just whatever the hell I want and everybody else can deal with it.
Skeeter: I noticed. *laughs*
Leary: Call me the booking Nazi.
Skeeter: Mein Comedy Fuerher.
[We cut to a shot that is captioned "Last Week". The Pissed Teens, The Domino and Birdboy are standing around a computer, which is belching smoke. A banner behind them reads "TheOtherWWF.com"]
Skeeter: I think wwf.com had only just gone online around '99, right? Or they'd just started plugging it a lot more, anyway.
Leary: I'm not sure. I think it had to be around before that, maybe 1998, because I know Vinnie Ru loved the Internet.
Skeeter: He didn't invent it with Bob Dole, did he?
Leary: It's possible. He did revolutionize sports entertainment as we knew it.
Skeeter: Word to the wise Bob... Pornography invented the Internet. End of story.
Birdboy: What did you idiots do the computer? I have a web-cast to do!
Tim: Mike spilled a Dr Pepper on it.. huh huh huh...
Mike: Shut up, buttmonkey! You went and put those nachoes in the disk drive!
Skeeter: That "nachos" line annoys me these days. Really weak stuff. I do still like the term 'buttmonkey', though.
Leary: That was Beavis & Butt-head though. You were kinda stuck for material. Like a Hogan moveset.
Skeeter: I'd only watched two episodes. And they both sucked. So, yeah, it was tough.
Domino: That's it, I'm going to play golf. Call me when it's fixed!
Skeeter: The Domino in my mind was kind of a professional character outside the ring. Like a doctor. Hence the golf.
Leary: It was just at the free courses. I doubt he could join a country club on what he made.
[We cut back to the live feed. The ring is set up in extra-large henhouse, with tiered seats around it. A farmer and his wife are standing next to the ring.]
Farmer: I told ya.. if I build it, they will come!
Wife: Okay, okay.. but the baseball field has got to go..
Skeeter: Anyone who doesn't get the reference has to leave the clubhouse. I mean it. great film.
Leary: Just don't use it anymore. For '99 it was cool...now it'd be way dated. Damn these youth of today!
Skeeter: Yeah, we've been owned. Or gotten served. or something.
Bubba: Ladies and Gentlemen!! This is our Main Event of the Evening! Title-for-Title.. Introducing first, the WWF "YGBCIADT" Champion.. KAMIKAZIEEEE KEN!!
Leary: We spell Cidding with a C because we're kool?
Skeeter: Oops. *laughs* Sorry, I just cracked myself up by looking at that line in a new way. Imagine Bubbas voive rising in pitch on the intro. KamikazEEEEEEEE!
Skeeter: But you're right, five years down the track and I discover I had the acronym wrong. What a kock.
[From outside the henhouse comes the sound of a motorcycle revving up. Seconds later Ken races down the aisle on a souped-up Honda. He drives up a ramp, attempting to jump into the ring.
Leary: Ah, funny, as we do this commentary, I was just planning on reusing this motorbike entrance.
Skeeter: Wacky coincidences abound, huh? It's Kens' classic entrance, from his very first bio. Banned in like, nine states. Probably more now. But they're mainly those boring Bible Belt states, so fuck 'em.
He misses by nearly ten feet, landing in the ninth row. Fortunatly, no-one is in this area, as the fans saw Ken's practise jumps earlier and got to a safe distance.]
Skeeter: If it was a Ken/Insano match, there IS no safe distance.
Leary: He's not professional enough to be a stuntman.
Skeeter: No, but most stuntman aren't idiotic enough to be Ken.
Bubba: And his opponent.. the WWF Heavyweight Champion... BIRRRDBOY!!!
[Birdboy makes a much more sedate entrance, shaking hands and signing autographs on the way down the aisle. He even stops to move a few chickens out of harms way before entering the ring.]
Skeeter: Spot the face.
Skeeter: Oddly yes. Why Marty booked a dual-face Main Event, I'll never know.
Leary: I did always find the autographs thing cheesy. I laughed my ass off when I recently watched an old WCW video from 1999 or 2000 and Goldberg was doing that during his already overblown entrance.
Skeeter: Yikes. Was there time for any OTHER matches on the card?
SSS: Well, Birdboy is in the ring now.. Ken still struggling to get out of the tangle of chairs at ringside. Birdboys going out to help. He hops over the barricade and drags Ken out of the rubble.. and slams him into the barrier! What the Hell?
BW: YEAH BABY! Neva let an advantage slip away, thass whut I say!
Skeeter: Jesus, i just turned Boogie Woogie into D-Von Dudley.
Leary: Who's the man!
SSS: Birdboy folds up a steel chair.. and blasts Ken with it! Ken tumbles over the barricade and into the ringside area! Birdboy leaps onto the barrier and launches himself! Head-scissors takedown! Birdboy very agressive today! He introduces Ken into the ringpost!
Skeeter: I have to admit, I wouldn't mind watching some of these early matches for real. They flow pretty well, unlike my "jokes-first" policy of the last two years.
Leary: Yep. There was some good action. But of course, BOB always tries to do the opposite of the pros. In theory.
Skeeter: It's a sound theory. Always give them what they least suspect.
SW: Birdboys pulling out all the stops! Looks like a big clothesline coming up.. NO! Ken ducks and backdrops Birdboy onto the steps! He telegraphed that one!
Leary: The telegraph must have read SOS.
SSS: Ken is going under the ring apron.. and he's got a 50 pound bag of chicken feed!
Ken: Have a snack, Birdboy!
BW: WHOA! Thass feedin' the birdies, brother!
Leary: I dunno. I'm feeling more Dusty Rhodes from Boogie Woogie. If ya wheeeel.
Skeeter: I'd rather not.
SSS: Birdboy looks dazed! He staggers away from Ken, chicken feed spilling everywhere! Ken leaps onto the apron! Running Bulldog off the apron, right onto the dirt floor!
Skeeter: Well, we pay them chicken feed, we may as well hit them with it, too.
Leary: It's better than chicken shit, I suppose.
He drags Birdboy to his feet. Big hurricanrana on the floor! Ken heads into the ring, for the first time in the match! Birdboy follows him...
SSS: ...and I guess this match is officially underway!
Skeeter: That's aWWF bit. All those Triple H main events that would brawl around the ring for five minutes before actually "starting".
Leary: That was actually an ECW bit first.
Skeeter: Vince stole stuff? My illusions of him are shattered.
Leary: I know!
Ken meets Birdboy on the way in.. whip to the ropes... Double High Cross Body Blocks! Both men go down hard!
Skeeter: It's the Flying Milli Vanillis!
Birdoy landed over Ken..1..2.. NO! Just got the shoulder up. Birdboy plants Ken with a side suplex! Off the ropes.. kneedrop! He's making the sign for the Fly Away!
Skeeter: Fucked if I can remember what the Fly Away was. i think it was a running hurricanrana, but don't quote me.
Leary: I wonder if that sign looks anything like the 'Dirty Bird' they do in American football these days after a touchdown.
Skeeter: So long as it's nothing like a Dirty Sanchez.
Can he do it? Here it comes! OH! Ken kips up, catches him in mid-air and turns it into a powerbomb! Cover by Ken.. 1..2..Kickout by the Champ! What a match!
Skeeter: I don't remember Ken using a kip-up since then. Maybe he's slowing down in his old age.
Leary: It's bound to happen. Especially with his injury plagued career.
SSS: Don't you start, Scotty. Ken hefts Birdboy up for a double-round-the-world-backbreaker! With a twist!
Skeeter: And a slice of lime and two olives.
Leary: And a little umbrella with a cherry on top.
Ken to the ropes.. split-legged moonsault! Another cover.. and another kickout! And Ken goes to the top. What will the Hard-Core Luchador(TM) do here? Oh, my! he's putting on his blindfold!! Could it be the Suicide Squadron?
Skeeter: The suicide Squadron. Ken hasn't used this in so fucking long.
Leary: Yeah, that one has been long forgotten. Though his 780 Ken-ton Bomb still shows up.
Skeeter: Maybe he lost the blindfold?
If he hits this, forget about it! WAIT A MINUTE! A chicken just flew out of nowhere and is pecking Ken!
SW: A flying chicken? Since when?
Skeeter: I have discovered since then that chickens CAN fly. But only for 13 seconds, tops. Thank you, Discovery Channel.
Leary: But penguins can't fly, right?
Skeeter: Nope. But if you look at them swimming, it LOOKS like they're flying. Underwater. I love penguins. Second-favourite animal, after sea lions. How did we get onto this fucking topic? *laughs*
SSS: You're right.. wait a minute! That's not a chicken!!! It's Mr Pecker, Birdboys' Blue Jay manager, disguised as a chicken! Ken loses his balance... OH! He straddles the rope! That had to hurt!
Leary: A bird in disguise. Only in Skeeter's warped mind.
Skeeter: And disguised as another bird, too. Very Zen. or something.
SW: Birdboy is up.. and he's dragging Ken back into the ring.. whip to the ropes... Ken ricochets back.. BIG DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! They're both down!
Leary: Double clothesline will never die.
Skeeter: Normally a rest-inducing maneuver. Today, it's a finishing manuever. I must have run out of ideas.
SSS: SupeRef drops down for the count! Both men have an arm over each other! !..2..3!!! It's over! I think!
Leary: Ah, the dreaded double pin.
Skeeter: There will now be a brief moment of suspense while we get the decision.
SSS: It is over.. but who won? Both Ken and Birdboy had the cover.. we need a descion here..
Skeeter: Drum roll, please.
Bubba: *ahem*... Here is the official descion.. Ladies and gentlemen.. your NEWWWWW Heavyweight Champion.... KAMIKAZIEEEEEE KEN!!!.. and.. Your NEWWWWWW "YGBCIADT" Champion... BIRRRRDBOYYYYYY!!!!
Leary: You gotta be cidding! What a swerve!
Skeeter: *laughs* I'm never gonna live that one down, right?
SW: They won each others belts? Sheesh, what a screwjob ending! Why don't they just shake hands and hug so we can all go home with a bad case of the warm fuzzies?
Leary: Nice line.
Skeeter: Scotty, cyinical as always. I couldn't help it, though... I had to write a match with my own guy in it, two belts and NOT make it look like I was glorifying my own character? What else could I do?
SSS: And thats exactly what they're doing! And listen to the fans Mark Out... Well, It's been a spectacular night.. so for Hall-of-Famer Boogie Woogie and Scotty Whatbody, I'm Sammy "Sellout" Smith, saying thanks for ordering "Barnyard Blitzkrieg"! So long, everybody!
Skeeter: And we're done. I would just like to point out that a character named "mark out" should debut in BOB soon. "He hits a clothesline!" MO: WOW! I hit a clothesline! YEAH!
Leary: Nice idea. Run with it, buddy. And don't look back.
Skeeter: I never do. Goodnight folks!
© 1999/2005 BOB Wrestling!