[The camera pans around… a field, with a wrestling ring in the middle of it. The announce team is sat at a paper thin table with their scripts at the ready.]
The Commentator: Hello and welcome to the second edition of BOB is Boobs! Want jobbers? We got ‘em all scooped together in one place for you this afternoon. I am The Commentator and I am joined here at the announcer’s desk by Veronica Valley.
Veronica Valley: Heyyy!
TC: And GBH will be contributing his insightful and knowledgeable opinions here for you.
GBH: Yur. Field funny.
TC: Oh yes, we are LIVE here in a field somewhere at the heart of Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky. The ring has been built beside a herd of grazing cattle but that wont stop us from having a barn burning bonanza!
[‘Misirlou’ by Dick Dale and his Del-Tones (the Pulp Fiction theme if you didn’t know) plays over a speaker. A Latin man with a big moustache and a cheap suit walks out towards the ring. He has a microphone in hand and a grin on his face.]
Carlos Limo: Hello Monkey’s Eyebrow!
[There is little reaction from the three men and a dog watching this stereotype with a thick accent.]
CL: I am here to talk to joo about serious matters this afternoon. Last week, after losing his job at the hands of XXXtreme Machine, The Wig Show sadly Showscalped Dennis from the roof of a house. Do not be fooled by his appearances on other Brawlers on a Budget broadcasts, this man is in hospital and is in a seriously dangerous condition.
[The tinytron plays a clip of the ending of the first episode of BOB is Boobs, all the peering and squinting in the world wouldn’t help you to see it but that’s what it is… I promise.]
CL: Now Dennis had already been set for a promotion to become the General Manager of BOB is Boobs weeks before the show first aired… but due to this terrible incident this will not happen and he will not receive the pay rise he so sorely wanted.
[Cut to Dennis laying in a fake hospital bed.]
Dennis: D’oh!
[Cut back to the ring.]
CL: After hearing this news from the BigBOSS as he looked through my used car lot I couldn’t help myself, I volunteered my assistance. Who am I to make such a gesture joo ask? I am Carlos Limo, dammit! And after bribin… errr… I mean persuading the head honchos I will take BOB is Boobs to new heights as your new General Manager!
[The crowd doesn’t really react much, the programs they purchased before the show had already informed them that this was the new GM and the shock value had been taken away.]
TC: What have we just seen here?!
[‘XXXtreme.’ No F’n pop.]
TC: Good golly miss molly, the most hated jobber in all of BOB is out here during our new General Manager’s mic time! Through HELLFIRE AND KEYSTONE it’s XXXtreme Machine!
VV: He is just a total dickwad.
[Machine climbs into the ring and snatches the microphone right out of Limo’s hand.]
XTM: finellie teh mowst elektrufryun sprots enturt4inah n al ov brorlas on s bujet is bak n munkez aybrau!!1
CL: Who the crap are joo, cara estúpida?
XTM: li57en vp cralos snatana dis iz bOBB i5 b0O8s en dere aynt n0 wey aym ginnah lte j00 cum n hrer n sai htat yur sum kaynda jenarul manajur cuz u aynt…
CL: Please, slow down señor. Tell me who joo are first.
XTM: wTF?!?!1 ay em Xzx7Reame mAcHeene n ay um harrdk0rre damnut! ay em teh tpo soopastah on b0B si bubeZ n it iz mai duetie 2 ptu u n ur plaise~1 uf U smmellllololololololo1ololololol0lololow~! Wut teh xXX+reem meCheen i5 cuken
CL: …
XTM: yea |)Am rite yur spiechluSs u juts gut PWNED~!!!1 bi teh xxxxTreM3 MachEeNie n htats the botum layn cuz bgi zeXXXy sed so.
CL: Just shut up joo… joo… stupid, stupid man!
XTM: j00 din;t jus7 sae htat……. T3LL mE u d1D N0T jist sai tha+!!~1`
[As Machine goes to clothesline Limo three figures jump into the ring and attack Triple X Treme. One is wearing a body suit with a skeleton design over it, except for the mask, which resembles a pig head. The second is the biggest of the trio and wears sunglasses, a bandana and a flannel shirt. The last is recognizable as Super Gluey from the 2 on 20 handicap match the Drudley Brothers won on SMC 13.]
TC: What is happening here?!
VV: Oh God, that Super Gluey guy is totally gross.
GBH: Hehehehe sticky.
[After the trio of Mexicans beat XXXtreme to a satisfactory pulp Carlos Limo pulls him up.]
CL: Don’t mess with me XXXtreme, or joo’ll have the biggest set of B-Show parody goons this side of the border to deal with.
[Limo turns to the fans, ready to introduce his lackeys.]
CL: First, he is a monster of a Mexican man with bright red hair, to my right in the sunglasses… Konun O’Brero! And in the skeleton thing with the pig’s head mask… La Porko!
[La Porko does some sort of dance, some could describe it as a shimmy… but I won’t]
CL: And the stickiest Luchadore in history… Super Gluey! Welcome to the Limo administration Machine.
[Konun does a forward roll and a really weak looking clothesline on the juicing XXXtreme Machine.]
TC: Goodness gracious me, our new General Manager has made a huge statement this afternoon and XXXtreme Machine is the first victim of his three Lucha Lackeys.
VV: So, are they face then? They attacked Machine so I suppose I should cheer for them.
Konun O’Brero: Orale! Ariba la raza! You fans suck.
VV: That didn’t sound very face like to me, I don’t understand all this heel and face stuff since all the rules just get broken over and over again. Ugh, my head hurts.
TC: Maybe you’ve been using it too much, just tell guys ‘no.’
GBH: Ora… uhhh…… le.
TC: Anyway, as Limo and the Lucha Lackeys clear out and some guys carry XXXtreme off the Masked Announcer is getting ready for our opening match.
VV: Good.
MA: The following contest is scheduled for one pin. Introducing first, already in the ring, from Motown, Drudleyville… Small Tyke Drudley!
[‘Middle in You With Stuck the’ by Stealers Wheel (the song from Reservoir Dogs, seeing a pattern form yet?) plays and one of the most confusing individuals in BOB history walks out.]
MA: And his opponent, from… err… Prats Nunkwon… The Dyslexic Avenger!
VV: This is going to be… stupid. Really, really stupid.
TC: Only BOB is Boobs starts it’s shows with such quality barn burners as upper tier stars The Dyslexic Avenger and Tyke Drudley fighting it out in the ring this afternoon!
VV: Those guys are losers.
TC: Veronica, those men are some of the greatest stars this industry has ever seen.
[Tyke, not really knowing how to bump properly, cracks his back as Avenger body slams him.]
TC: Ok, maybe not, but you should at least try to sell it. Take a page out of GBH’s book, he seems perfectly entertained by the action.
VV: GBH tends to stare at his own feet for a few hours before he remembers to put shoes on, he isn’t the greatest judge.
GBH: Hehehehehehe.
TC: Resthold by Dyslexic Avenger early on in this match. He turns this over into a pin attempt. One, two, kickout. Still a little too early, even if it is Tyke he’s pinning. He stands back up, raises his arm, Lebwo Prod!
VV: What the…?
TC: Just follow the script, they wanted us to call as many moves as we can like that.
VV: Ugh, ok. Avenger lifts Tyke and drives him down with a DTD and follows up with a locefack.
TC: Tyke gets his foot up on the ropes in time. Avenger pulls him up and dockbrap suplexes him. One, two, kickout!
GBH: Cuphny cuphny cuphny cuphny cuphny cuphny.
TC: Avenger lifts Tyke up and goes for some sort of suplex, but Tyke drives his knee into his gut to free himself. He grabs him by the neck and runs for the corner ANPHETAMINE DROP…
VV: No, Avenger just pushes him out over the top. I have never even seen him actually complete that move.
TC: Oh, it’s a tricky move alright… but when he actually gets it, and the crowd is cheering his name, it can be devastating.
GBH: Devamastating!
TC: Avenger goes out and rolls Tyke Drudley back in and hits The Dyslexic Drop. One, two, three.
VV: That was, well, short.
TC: I think the better man won and that is what matters most. These two warriors have fought to their last ounce of strength and truly there is just one winner and he is supreme.
VV: Erm… well, at least the curtain has been jerked.
{We open to the sight of a dude in a tie-dye t-shirt watching Knightrider on his television set whilst he eats his way through a pizza.]
Voice-Over: Ever get that feeling where you just can’t eat enough?
[The dude nods his head slowly, a small smile forming on his face weakly.]
Voice-Over: Been banned from the observatory?
[He nods again, stuffing a handful of cereal into his mouth.]
Voice-Over: Then come to Matt’s Munchie Hut for all your dining needs! From half empty boxes of cereal and cookies to pepperoni pizzas and marshmallows, we’ll serve you up anything. Just stumble along and take a seat.
We have the right to refuse service to narks.
[We cut… well, not backstage; it’s just a part of the field that’s under a tree. Anyway, under this tree is newly appointed General manager of BOB is Boobs Carlos Limo sat behind a cardboard box with the word ‘Office’ written across the front in black marker. We see a robot walk up to him with a championship title around his waist.]
CL: Ahhh, Señor Atomo, so glad joo could make it here this afternoon.
Atomo: UNIT: ATOMO-IS-DISPLEASED-AT-FORCEFUL-DEFENSE-OF-UNIT: Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title ON-A-B-SHOW.
CL: Well, joo have to do what joo get paid to do. That is, if joo get paid. I hear a lot of guys are getting day old sandwiches instead of money these days.
Atomo: QUERY: IS-UNIT: ATOMO-BEING-HELD-DOWN-SO-THAT-UNIT-5-CAN-BE-PUSHED-MORE?
CL: I book jobbers I don’t make em, I don’t know anything about your deal. The main thing is that joo’ll be defending that title of yours and that must mean ratings, and higher ratings means a better salary.
Atomo: MORE-DAY-OLD-SANDWICHES-FOR-UNIT: CARLOS-LIMO.
CL: Huh?
Atomo: UNIT: ATOMO-MADE-JOKE. LOADING-LAUGHTER-AUDIO-FILE.
CL: Oh stop it! This is serious.
Atomo: ABORTING. QUERY: WHAT-IS-IDENTIFICATION-OF-ATOMO’S-OPPONENT?
CL: I have a special opponent for joo this afternoon. Just to show joo what this show is all about joo will face… Pigeon!!!
Atomo: UNIT: PIGEON-IS-CLASS-C-JOBBER.
CL: Pigeon is hardcore! He can take everything joo’ve got and still hit his Unevenflow DDT out of nowhere and get the 1, 2, 3 and walk out with that title.
Atomo: CALCULATING-POSSIBILITY-OF-DEFEAT: … 3%
CL: Hey! It’s a hell of a lot more possible than that.
Atomo: POSSIBILITY-OF-DEFEAT < PIGS-TAKING-FLIGHT.
CL: What?
Atomo: UNIT: ATOMO-MADE-ANOTHER-JOKE.
CL: Yeah? Well this afternoon, Pigeon is going to make a joke out of you! Get out of my office!
Atomo: VACATING-PERIMETER-OF-CARDBOARD-BOX.
[As Atomo trudges away from the, errr, box another figure approaches. He sits on the edge of the box and shines, with his ultra-baggy t-shirt, part of the box and lights a cigarette with a match from a box. Geez, I’m starting to sound like Albert DeSalvo here.]
CL: What do <i>joo</i> want?
Sleazy-C: Yo yo yo, Sleazy motherphucking C is up in this shiznit. Word life.
CL: I… I beg your pardon.
S-C: Yo yo, check it out, I be representin Jobton got Jobifornia Love flowin thru my veins. Any fly honeyz come my way I latch on the reigns and stick it to em insane. If you wanna…
CL: Stop! Stop! I can’t take much more of that. Just, what do you want?
S-C: Yo, Trey sent me, you know what ahm sayin. He written it all down on this phuckin piece of paper.
[Sleazy hands a scrap of paper over to Limo. He notices that the handwriting is very sloppy and that there are beer stains all over it.]
Trey Vincent’s Letter: I sent Sleazy-C down because I say he should be in some sort of CRAZY insane match… like an EXPLODING penguin french maid gorilla costume backlot brawl of some sort. And I’m the fucking Vice President In Charge Of Everything and outrank you hundreds of times over. And don’t you forget it!!!
S-C: What’s it say, homeslice?
CL: You’ve been booked in an Exploding Gorilla Costume Backlot Brawl.
S-C: What da phuck? Who against?
CL: Doesn’t say, I guess I can just pick someone.
S-C-: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo, don’t be pickin some roided up dude on crack. I gots to win me a match.
CL: How about a local jobber with a name that’s pretty much just been stolen.?
S-C: Works for me yo.
CL: Then go get ready, I’ve got work to do!
[As Sleazy walks away Carlos begins to shuffle about some pieces of paper that aren’t really there, pretending to read from one of them.]
TC: Both Atomo the Living Robot AND Sleazy-C are here on BOB is Boobs!
GBH: Sleazy…. uhhhhh… hehehe… mother… phuckin… uhh… C.
[‘XXXtreme.’ No F’n pop.]
VV: Not again, haven’t we seen enough of this loser already?
TC: XXXtreme Machine is out here and he looks hurt after the beating he suffered at the hands of the Lucha Lackeys.
[Machine gets into the ring and shakes the top rope wildly, roaring out as he does so. He then pulls a microphone out of somewhere, I really do not want to know where that is.]
XTM: spek 2 mie wArryaaaa4aaAhhhH|-|hhhhhzzzzsz~!!!!1!
[No reaction beyond yawns and scratching.]
XTM: cral0s li/\/\O iz 4 dirrty rotttun 57UpiD fayse hu nedz tu b beTdowne bi teh xXx7RemEe mA(hiN3 alung wiv htem lUsha lakiez ov hiz1"
[Silence.]
XTM: yu dunt fiNk aie em str0nG enuff?!1`
[More silence. Machine raises a steel chair up into the air.]
XTM: bi da poWur ov graiyesculL……. <b>AIE HAV TEH POWAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHAaAAAAA4A~!!!11¬!!!21!</b>
[A skeletal figure appears…]
XTM: sKeleT0r~!`1
[The figure also has a pig’s head… it’s La Porko, followed by Super Gluey and Konun. They charge down to the ring, XXXtreme tries to fight them off with his chair but they knock him on his ass and start the stompin’.]
XTM: 0uCh htat herts ys know!
TC: XXXtreme Machine is being whooped like a scalded dog!
VV: Good!
GBH: Yeah.
Voice Over: Can you shovel it, BLOWAAAAA?!
TC: Hooker T is here! Hooker T is here! He gets in the ring and joins in the stomping of XXXtreme Machine!
VV: It’s a 4 on 1 assault!
GBH: Yur.
Voice Over: Ivavay Alay Azaray!
[Igpay Atinolay Eathay runs out to ‘Lowrider’ and slides into the ring. The Lucha Lackeys and Hooker T make a space for him as the stomping continues.]
TC: XXXtreme Machine is like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!
[The Snapmare Kid runs out from behind a tree and gets into the ring.]
TC: SNAPMARE ON XXXTREME MACHINE! All hell has broken loose! Big SeXXXy is being whipped like a government mule!
[A random guy gets into the ring and joins in with the stomping as his friend takes some photos. After about five minutes they all disband and leave XXXtreme Machine a bloody mess to be carried off again.]
VV: That was all really unnecessary.
TC: Get ready to repeat that because we are heading to a backlot somewhere as our next match is set to begin.
[We cut to the aforementioned backlot.]
MA: The following contest is an Exploding Gorilla Costume Backlot Brawl, the only way to win is to light the fuse on your opponent’s costume so that it explodes. Got it? Good. Introducing first… Nic Flare.
[‘Woo Hoo’ by The 5, 6, 7, 8s (that song from Kill Bill, Quentin sure has been the inspiration for a lot of the entrance themes in this show) plays over the speaker as a man with bleached blond hair walks into the backlot where this match will take place. The referee helps him into his gorilla costume as ‘Straight Outta Jobton’ plays.]
MA: And his opponent, from the mean streets of Jobton… Sleazy-C!
TC: This match was LIVE yesterday, I’ve already seen it so I might not be as excited as usual.
VV: Is the match any good?
TC: You expect me to tell you that? I suppose you want to know who wins too!
VV: Not really, I don’t care that much.
TC: I will never tell you, and Nic will never hurt Sleazy with those weak as all get out punches. Sleazy refuses to sell them and knocks Nic down on his ass.
VV: Ha ha!
TC: Well that’s not very nice. Sure, Nic Flare may be a local jobber with absolutely no wins whatsoever in his 30 year long career, but at least he has his dignity.
VV: How is fighting Sleazy-C in a gorilla costume that has explosives tied to it dignified?
TC: Ummm… Sleazy with a vicious kick to the nuts! He goes to light Nic’s fuse but he recovers in time and desperately whips the Jobton native into a car nearby.
VV: I heard that Sleazy-C always jobs, does that mean this local jobber who hasn’t even got his real teeth is going to win this match?
TC: I wouldn’t be surprised.
VV: Well, nothing even phases you.
TC: DROP TOE HOLD!!! C tastes the vile, vile floor below. Nic goes for the FIGURE THREE LEGLOCK, a devastating hold but it cannot win this match, submissions do not count.
VV: It’s the worst looking hold anyway.
TC: It may not be pretty, but it gets the job done.
GBH: Punchy punchy puncy.
TC: Indeed, punchy punchy punchy on Nic Flare allows Sleazy-C to break free. He begins laying in some stomps before waffling Nic with an oversized foam hand! He grabs a half eaten hamburger and rubs it into Nic’s pristine hair, dying it the colors of ketchup, mustard and gherkins.
VV: Gross, just… totally gross.
GBH: Icky.
TC: Sleazy lifts Nic up and pokes him in the eye, Nic oversells it an flops down face-first. C lights a match but Nic kicks it out of his hand and tackles him to the concrete. This ones perfect for you GBH.
GBH: Punchy punchy punchy punchy punchy punchy punchy!
TC: Nic lights a match and goes for Sleazy’s fuse, what he doesn’t know is that Sleazy is doing the same to him. They both stand back and laugh as the flames move closer their gorilla costumes.
[We cut to some stock footage of an explosions.]
VV: Who won?
TC: I have no idea, I suppose it’s up to the Generic Ref to decide.
[The Generic Ref whispers his decision into the Masked Announcer’s mask covered ear.]
MA: Ladies and gentlemen the Referee has made his decision and this is a draw due to simultaneous explosions and extreme stupidity.
TC: Nobody wins and nobody loses, it’s just a happy medium that will keep everybody pleased. That is, except for Nic Flare and Sleazy-C who’ll have to be peeled out of those costumes.
VV: What a filler match.
TC: Hey! Every match means a lot here on BOB is Boobs. Anyway, there’s a tag match on next after a word from our merchandising department.
Voice-Over: Ever wanted a toy that could pW|\| the crap out of every other toy on the block?!
[A kid hyped up on sugar nods excitedly.]
VO: An action figure beyond your wildest dreams, with a sloppy kung fu grip and poorly made accessories.
[The kid continues to smile and nod.]
VO: And 10 different phrases that will leave you more incoherent than a rambling hobo on crack.
[The kid faints in excitement.]
VO: Then you need this son of a bitch! Brawlers on a Budget presents the XXXtreme Machine action figure! It may break easily and have sharp edges, but all your friends will envy your 1337ness as you r0x0r their measly toys.
[A poorly painted plastic action figure which vaguely resembles Big SeXXXy spins onto the screen.]
VO: The XXXtreme Machine action figure available at BOB Crap Zone! Out now!
MA: The following tag match is scheduled for one fall.
‘Glue Man’ by Fugazi plays and two Luchadore guys walk out. One of them sticks to the ropes as he tries to get into the ring and the one in the pig mask has to help pull him off.
MA: Introducing first, from Los Trabajadores, Mexico. The team of Super Gluey and La Porko… The Lucha Lackeys!
VV: What a pair of losers.
TC: Hey! Don’t say that, they’re your new boss’ lackeys. You should show some respect.
VV: But they suck.
TC: That… is beside the point.
‘Lobster and Shrimp’ by Timbaland & Jay-Z plays over the single speaker as two familiar faces walk through the field towards the ring.
MA: And their opponents, from Jobton… Super Mollusc and Bivalve!!!
GBH: Hehehe.
VV: Who the hell are these guys?
TC: Don’t you know anything about your employer’s history? That is one of the greatest tag teams in Brawlers on a Budget history!
VV: They just look like jobbers to me.
TC: They are a fantastic duo, dammit, and this match is sure to be a barnburner.
Super Gluey: ¡Molusco Estupendos y Bivalvo! Usted está en muy en el cual usted resolverá su sino. ¡Prepárese para morir y para estar en perdedores del dolor!
La Porko: *shimmy*
TC: Hooooo boy, not <i>more</i> stolen jokes.
VV: A guy in a skeleton suit with a pig’s head mask and a totally gross dude with glue all over him… seriously, what the hell?
TC: All four men tie up and struggle for power. Bivalve drives his shoulder into Porko’s abdomen and takes him to the ground. Super Mollusc hits a double axe handle, but his hands stick to the top of Super Gluey’s head.
VV: Gross!
GBH: Hehehehehehe.
TC: Mollusc tries to pull his hands off, but the stickiness is too great. Super Gluey kicks Mollusc’s thigh… and their legs are stuck together now. Meanwhile Bivalve counters out of Porko’s resthold and stands up, DDTing the skeleton pig as he gets to his feet.
VV: What is wrong with this show? Do people really want to see freaks of nature getting glued to each other?
TC: The ratings would suggest no, but I think it’s just a problem of appealing to the right demographic.
VV: The right demographic is demented perverts who get drunk enough for washing machines winning matches to be funny.
GBH: Unit 5! Unit 5! Unit 5!
TC: I think 99% of our viewers are as you described them, except for that old lady from the mental institute who thinks she is Bev the immortal Goddess of the galaxy.
Super Mollusc: Get off me you sticky freak!
Super Gluey: ¿Usted piensa que tengo control sobre mi estado pegajoso del pegamento de ser? ¡Tengo tanto control como un hombre oculto con un chainsaw!
TC: Super Mollusc reaches his free leg, the one that doesn’t have a Super Gluey limb stuck to it, and kicks his oppressor in the belly. He then pushes his shoulders forward under his chin and drops down to his knees for a jawbreaker type manoeuvre!
VV: And Bivalve is taking a beating in the corner from that skeleton pig guy.
TC: He turns him round and climbs onto the second rope, Bivalve tries to break free but La Porko is already swinging his legs around many, many times and driving his head into the mat for a Swinging Corkscrew DDT de la Bacon. One, two, kickout!
[After using leverage from the ropes and pulling as hard as he could, Super Mollusc breaks free of Super Gluey’s super sticky grip.]
VV: Super Mollusc sends that pig guy down to the outside. He and Bivalve both follow after him and start stomping him.
TC: All hell is breaking loose!
VV: I woudn’t go that far.
TC: ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE!!!
GBH: Huh?
TC: ALL HEL…
VV: Stop it!
TC: Sorry, I just got caught in the moment. And Super Gluey is stamping his foot, Mollusc and Bivalve continue stomping without seeing the sticky one setting up for a moment when I wish Shill was here.
VV: He wouldn’t agree to come on the show, so you’ll have to do it.
TC: But I have a sore throat, I’ve tried lozenges and I’ve put lemon in tea but it won’t work. Screaming like a genocidal maniac on crack isn’t going to help that problem out, is it?
VV: Just do as you’re told.
TC: Ugh… FRONT FLIP SPRINGBOARD CORKSCREW PLANCHA SUICIDA WITH A SPLASH OF RED WINE! Aghhhhh, my throat!!
VV: Well done. And Super Gluey is stuck to everybody, totally gross. Every man is struggling to break out of the stickiness.
TC: I hope nothing else exciting happens, I don’t think my poor oesophagus can handle it.
VV: Your WHAT?!
TC: My throat! Anyway, Bivalve just manages to break free… and he tears Super Mollusc away.
[‘Misirlou’ plays and the General Manager of BOB is Boobs, Carlos Limo, struts out with a baseball bat. He walks down to the ring.]
TC: Limo pulls his tag team apart before rolling into the ring. Baseball bat to Bivalve! Baseball bat to Super Mollusc! La Porko and Super Gluey follow in and prepare to make the cover. Nothing can go wrong now, they have the match won.
[‘XXXtreme.’ No F’n pop.]
VV: Oh shit.
TC: XXXtreme Machine is on his way to the ring and he has a steel chair! Chairshot to La Porko! Chairshot to Super Gluey! Chairshot to Carlos Limo!
[Realizing that the fans are never going to react to anything, some stock audio of thousands of fans cheering plays over the speaker.]
TC: The fans are going wild! Super Mollusc and Bivalve are up on their feet, staring at XXXtreme Machine in disbelief. XXXtreme Machine begins staring at them… he reaches out his hand to be shaken. Goodness gracious me, could we have a Jobbers Inc. reunion on our hands here?
[After Bivalve and Mollusc reach out to shake his hand XXXtreme Machine clotheslines them both. He then sets them up on the top rope and hits a double XXXtreme Stunner. Thousands of fans booing the house down plays over the speaker.]
TC: I guess not, XXXtreme Machine drags his former stablemates’ bodies over La Porko and Super Gluey. One, two, three. What a screwjob!
VV: XXXtreme Machine is a dick.
TC: No arguments there, but he is the biggest dick on BOB is Boobs.
VV: That’s not what I heard.
TC: Let’s move on, we have our main event match coming up soon and I can’t wait.
VV: I heard he had a tiny little peni…
Is your car run-down? Has it seen better days? Using a screwdriver just to open the door? Is it just a rusted piece of crap you can’t bring yourself to drive anymore?
If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then head n down to Carlos Limo’s used parking lot! We have got a great range of used automobiles for you to purchase, and if there’s something you want that we don’t have… we can acquire it for you!
Just head on down and make your dream of owning a quality used car a reality at Carlos Limo’s Used Car Lot.
[‘Come Out and Play’ by The Offspring plays over the speaker. The first contestant walks out in ripped jeans and a Send Us Money t-shirt.]
MA: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title. Introducing first, the challenger, from Parts Unknown… Pigeon!
TC: Pigeon has had a long history of jobbing that spans back even beyond BOB’s beginning… which is why I don’t know much about him.
[‘Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto’ by Styx plays as some shredded up newspaper is used to vaguely resemble pyro.]
MA: And his opponent, the current Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Champion… Atomo The Living Robot!!!
VV: Atomo is easily the biggest star we’ve had on BOB is Boobs so far.
TC: That’s because the biggest star we’d had before he came along was the Snapmare Kid.
VV: Snapmare Kid is cool!
GBH: Yur.
TC: Whatever, the bell has just been rung and both competitors are squaring off in the ring. This is sure to be one hellacious barn burner here this afternoon as the PUACMC Title is on the line. Side headlock by Pigeon, Atomo powers out and floors him with a thumb to the eye. One, two, kickout. Atomo calculates the best move to coincide with his match strategy and hits an elbow drop. One, two, kickout!
GBH: Punchy punchy punchy.
TC: Undoubtedly, and Atomo locks in a side headlock. Will Pigeon tap? No, he gets his arm out to the rope and the Generic Ref makes the champ break up the hold. Atomo body slams the challenger, picks him back up and does it again. One, two, thrKICKOUT! Pigeon kicks out after that hellacious double body slam.
VV: That was pathetic.
TC: Well, Atomo goes up top, maybe for the Atomic Bomb… but Pigeon shakes the ropes and Atomo lands down grapefruits first. He loads his agony face and clutches himself. Pigeon follows up top and lifts Atomo up and brings him back down for a superplex.
Generic Ref: One.
VV: And the Generic Ref is remembering to enforce some rules, a rare occurrence here in BOB.
GR: Two.
TC: Know what comes next GBH?
GR: Three.
GBH: Ummmmmmmm.
GR: Four.
TC: Well?
GR: Five.
GBH: Ermmmmm.
GR: Six.
GBH: Three?
TC: You’ve been studying hard recently.
VV: Pigeon is back up and does one of those elbow drop things. One, two, Atomo gets his shoulder up.
TC: Atomo gets up quickly and kicks Pigeon down. He goes up top, will he hit the Atomo Bomb? Pigeon makes sure that he doesn’t as he elbows him in the jaw.
Pigeon: Unevenflow!
TC: Good grief, Pigeon is signalling for an Unevenflow DDT from the top rope! Atomo pokes him in the eye, and he falls down to the ground below as Atomo hangs tight. Atomic Bomb! That’s his move! One, two, three.
MA: Here is your winner and STILL Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Champion… ATOMO THE LIVING ROBOT!
TC: Thank you for joining us here today on BOB is Boobs. Make sure to check out our other programming and to visit Carlos Limo’s Used Car Lot for all your stolen used car needs. Good afternoon.
© 2004 BOB Wrestling. It took a month to write so I figured it’d take a month to read.
