BOB Presents: BaseBrawl
The Seventh Inning Itch
[A baseball slowly comes toward the screen and breaks it.]
[We cut to Cloudydale College in Cloudydale, Connecticut. The 5,000-seat capacity stadium is filled to the brim with people who did pay for tickets, families and friends of the wrestlers (got in free) and the rest are video-game like filler. How can we afford that, you ask? Well, because I said so! Alright then. Let's go to the press box.]
Mike "The Monotone" Monroe: Hello everyone and welcome to BaseBrawl. I sense a pattern, guys. First there was BasketBrawl. Then FootBrawl.
Scotty Whatbody: Say what? FootBrawl never happened, remember?
MM: Oh yeah. Well, fans, you should have no worries. It's a great day out here, mostly-cloudy at the moment, but I'm sure these clouds are gonna roll on by and we'll have ourselves a nice game.
Mark Shill: IT'S GOING TO BE THE GREATEST BASEBRAWL IN BOB HISTORY!
SW: You know, I couldn't help but notice when I came in here, that there is no ring. I found that a bit odd. Of course, then I remembered that I'm in BOB and things are stupid here.
MM: Yes, apparently the ring got delivered to Sunnyvale, California. I guess the moving company is a bit hard of hearing these days.
MM: I was under the impression we would have a couple curtain-jerkers, but now, I don't know.
SW: Man, you're so out of the loop.
MM: Am I?
MM: Yes, Detached Narrator?
[I think it's time I head to the field and explain what the hell is going to happen here this morning.]
SW: Fine with us, do whatever you want except turning us into a platypus with two heads and three asses.
[That's fine. I'm in such a good mood tonight, going to win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS AND ALL. Er, I mean and all. Stupid caps lock, it's dark here at the moment. Be right there.]
MM: The Narrator, the Mega Heel With Cheese is about to morph. Which could be dangerous for him. He has a lot of enemies.
MS: LOOK! It's the BLACKEST thing a HEEL has EVER done in the HISTORY of BASEBALL STADIUMS!
[They all look. Oh, hi, I'm Shane, I'll be taking over for my pops from now on. Gotta love that, word, that makes fathers give their kids jobs. Narcolepsy?]
MM: That would be nepotism, Shane.
SW: What the hell? Detached Narrator has appeared at home base, and he's draped himself in an American flag! He opens the flag! HAHAHAH. He has a dog and two small children taped to him. And he looks like the evil Bill Gates! He was a jobber in the STWF, wasn't he?
MS: This is the blackest day of sports entertainment on the GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!
Detached Narrator: Hello fans, friends, family and fake people who look like the former three. Today, Detached Narrator and BOB present BaseBrawl.
[Some light applause.]
DN: Anyhow, everyone who is here and received a red tag in your locker should come out right now.
Masked Public Announcer: First...first..Dude Whose A Dead Ringer for Clinton....Clinton, the Undefendable Champion, Champion.
SW: Ah, friggin baseball announcing echo.
MM: Better get used to it. There's a bunch more wrestlers coming out.
MPA: The Intercontinental, nental, Cruiserweight, weight This is Not a Championship Belt But It's Close, Close Coma, Coma!
MM: Big pop for Coma. As always.
SW: Fans identify with people they relate to or wish they would be. So, I'm not really sure why he gets a pop.
[To save time and echo, here's who else came out, and the order:
The Commentator, the Calorifically Challenged Champion and Loserweight Champion; Insano Mano, Whose Your Daddy Champion; Violent Pacifist, Western European Talc In the Shorts Adam Corolla Champion; Massive Man Rendition First: Up Yo Ass Sucka Champion; Stone Hot Steve Dawson, United States Toaster Champion; Xamfir, Two Times The Square Root of Twenty-Seven Quantity Squared Divided By Two Champion;
Bohemoth, Tough Guy (Chick) Champion; Nurse Heidi, Three Cubed Light Chicken Gravy Champion, Astute Warrior Champion, Hirohito, Where Am I? This is Not Tokyo Champion; The Man Who Looks a Bit Like Nixon, Rockford Files Champion; Styles, Que Lastima Champion; Hooker T, Pin Pull champion; Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", North American Frozen Tundra Champion; StreetMime II, Non Gender Specific Very Non Threatening Plaid Champion, Central Canadian Moose Hunt Champion;
Khan, Camel Toe Champion, Big Chrome Champion; Brandon "Bitch Smacker", Latin America Montezuma's Revenge Champion; The Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt, Inordinate Champion, AYOOFYM Champion; Mully, Incongruent Champion; The Next Big Thingee Dustbuster Boy, Foot Foot Champion, Global Champion; Steve Studnuts, Eastern Slavic Mongolian Goulash Champion;
Spaceduck, D'oh Champion; Kay Fabe, Chimichanga Champion; Stinkbutt Nastyass, Push Impaired Champion; Death, You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That Champion; douja, Biakkabatuka Champion; BVD, Pipas© Special Champion; 10 Peso Version Champion; Pope John Paul II, Alliance Hero Champion; Kamikazie Ken, Fascist Strongman Champion; Mr. X, Other Half-Heavyweight Champion; Little Good, Half-Heavyweight Champion, Not Quite Good Enough To Be World Champion Champion.]
SW: Hey, DN changed costumes.
MM: You're right, Scotty. He now appears to be Bobo Q. Fiendish.
DN: This pleases me. Alright now. This BaseBrawl game will crown a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Now, here's the key. If you want to be involved in this match, you must give up your belt. You have to put it into this box right beside me here on the ground. That's right, get in a line and drop 'em off. Because I am going to combine them into one gigantic new belt which will be decided sometime this year. Title to be named later. Come on, my intended, start filing up.
MM: And here they go. The Commentator approaching first.
TC: This is heinous. Absolutely despicable. You should burn in hell for this.
DN: Drop the belts and move on barbecue boy. Hey, Death. Did you cut in line?
Death: Who was going to stop me? Anyway...
MM: Death is walking away!
DN: If you don't want to play BaseBrawl, that's fine. But I need your help. I need you to threaten everybody else who won't turn in their titles.
Death: What do I get out of it?
DN: A shot at unifying the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That and the Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind titles. Thus making, the YGBKIADTAYOOYFMT.
Death: I like it. Consider it a deal.
SW: Wow, our first deal of the morning.
Insano Mano: Usted es el poopooheado más grande que he visto siempre, narrador separado.
DN: Did you just call Death a poopoohead?
IM: No, no, no.
DN: Move along masked luchadore.
VP: I'll get you for this, Detached Narrator.
DN: Nah, you really won't. When you all beat me up in the gymnasium, well, you all earned this. Good luck, jackass. Massive Man, nice to see you here. *Wink*
MM: Looks like a deal was just made there! What do you suppose that could mean?
SW: That Detached Narrator is a MFer? And I'm not saying he's a Massiveman Follower. He's just a flat out Mother--
Stone Hot Steve Dawson: Who? Where? When? Why? How?
DN: Umm? You're MUCH better than Hardcore JJ! This pleases me.
SW: Oh, he is evil.
Xamfir: You know, big scary evil, I laugh at evil. Then I hide behind Sarah while she fights it.
Xamfir: Ha! I made Detached Narrator speechless!
DN: No. I'm just wondering which of the many ways to punish you. (He pulls out a book called "How To Screw With Xamfir and the Shaggies.) Ah, I have it.
[Nothing appears to happen.]
DN: Enjoy. This should be fun.
[Xamfir looks down at himself. Normal. He grabs his groin. Feels normal. Looks behind him. No tail.]
DN: Oh, I didn't do anything to you this time. Just wait here a moment. Ah, Bohemoth. How goes it.
Bo: Fine. It's time to win back that title again.
DN: Oh, please. You should enter a hot dog eating contest if you want to contend for something. Nurse Heidi. *Tips his hat with a bunny rabbit on top.*
NH: Nice to see you, in the flesh, and not quite so Detached, Narrator.
DN: Meeeow. Thank you.
Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon: I am not a champion.
DN: Whoa, you can't walk away from this. I know you'll never win another title, but you are going to be in this match.
MWLABLN: I can too. I'm am a tricky Dick.
Death: Care to reconsider, living boy?
MWLABLN: You are a crook (to Death). You are a crook (to Detached Narrator).
MM: This whole show is about hurting everybody who attacked Detached Narrator on the Sunday Morning Chloroform? This may be the longest show ever.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Detached Narrator, this match is going to be EXTREME!
DN: Welcome back from, hey, shouldn't you still be in New England?
Styles: Connecticut is IN New England, actually.
DN: ...You motherfucking Shaggies.
Xamfir: Way to go, Styles.
[DN takes off Styles' glasses and crushes them on the field.]
Xamfir: Yeah, hey! Jeannie?
[Jeannie poofs in.]
Jeannie: Yes, master?
Xamfir: I wish Styles had new glasses.
Styles: Um, with the right prescription would be nice?
Xamfir: Good point. With the right prescription.
[Poof. Styles has new glasses.]
Styles: Ah, excellent. Thank you Jeannie.
Jeannie: Glad to make you less blind. *Disappears*
Hooker T: The ONE TIME, ONE TIME, ONE TIME, ONE TIME, ONE TIME, ONE TIME, Pin Pull Champion, BLOOOOWWAAAA!
DN: Yes, yes, you'll soon be gone from here and we'll all be happier.
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer": Well lookee here. Detached Narrator, all bulked up with flesh.
DN: Ugh, another one.
Sarah: I don't know what you're doing, but I'm gonna find out and stop it.
Xamfir: He did something to us, look at his book!
DN: If you'd like to hang out here, you're more than welcome to as well, to see my little trick.
StreetMime II: ...
DN: Hello, my intended.
Khan: MRGGGH. I want cheese.
DN: Check between Xamfir's toes.
Sarah: Try it, and you'll be singing baritone.
Xamfir: Isn't it soprano?
Sarah: Not after what I do.
Brandon "Bitch Smacker": What's up, Sarah?
Brandon: How is it going, fine lady?
Sarah: Fantastic, yourself.
[DN kicks Brandon about 20 feet down the field.]
Brandon: Dude! I was trying to score!
DN: Oh, she's not 14.
Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt: ...
DN: No, you don't have to put in your hardcore title. That one is staying. Just the other one.
Mully: That was out of this world. The Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt just moved by itself. If Sculder had seen that, he'd be off on a long rant about now.
[Cut to Sculder somewhere, watching a TV. There is porn on it. So he didn't see it. Back to the stadium.]
The Next Big Thingee Dustbuster Boy: Hey. *Walks away.*
DN: That boy needs some interview techniques. And what a dumb gimmick, a Dustbuster Boy. Oh, hey, Studs...
Steve Studnuts: Shut up, jerkweed. I know you want to be just like me, but you ain't even in the same area code. (As walking away) Jerkweed.
DN: Spaceduck. How are you?
=<>: I HATE EVERYONE HERE. THEY'RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE A SHORT, RAPE-FILLED DEATH.
DN: Ah, here comes the fun, Sarah and Xamfir. Hello, Kay.
Kay: Hey, Detached Narrator.
Sarah: What are you talking about, Kay isn't there.
[A title falls into the box, though Sarah and Xamfir don't notice.]
Xamfir: Yeah, where's Kay?
DN: Say hello to them, Kay.
Kay: To who? Xamfir and Sarah are here? Oh, I've missed them so much since I've been in New England. (She shrugs and moves along, as do Sarah and Xamfir.)
DN: Don't come closer. Stay down wind from me, Stinkbutt.
douja: this is summa tha dummest sh*t ive ever seen, dawg.
DN: This from a man who's had more hallucinations than Jim Morrison ever did.
BVD: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DOOOD!
BVD: I'm gonna win that title today, dood, HOOOOOOOOO! And you can't stop me. Not even tons of sake or Scorpion bowls will deter me.
DN: I will screw you yet again, if it's one of the many things I do tonight.
Pope John Paul II: (In his usual Count Dracula like voice) Where are the hos at? And the malt liquor? The Pope says he's in the mood to screw some naked drunk chicks. And the Pope says, join the Catholic church. Rules? What rules.
DN: Ah, and here comes Kamikazie Ken. Look up, buddy. No roof to jump down from.
KK: So, it appears.
DN: Oh? What does that mean?
KK: Let's just say, something.
DN: Ah, I now see why you destroy your body to get pops. You have nothing interesting to say.
Mr. X: I ain't turning nuthin' in to nobody.
Death: I'll kill you.
Mr. X: Ay, yo, yo hey, you ain't gonna do nothin' to me.
Death: Oh yes, I will.
Mr. X: I'll have you whacked out.
Death: Oh, no, I think you have that backwards. You ready to die?
Mr. X: I ain't ready to do nothin'. I don't know why you're wasting your time interrogating me.
[DN grabs Mr. X's belt and tosses it in the box.]
Death: Now get onto the field.
Mr. X: What's a field?
Little Good: Bloody hell. This 'as got to be the dumbest thing I've seen in a week. Here's your sodding title.
DN: Why don't you go join your friends over there?
DN: I am the booker, you know. Do it or I'll fire you.
LG: Fine. But this isn't over. And I want a title out of this.
DN: Maybe next March Mayhem you can. With the new rules next year, well, you actually might have the tiniest bit more chance?
LG: Hold on. What do you mean?
DN: Well, since March Mayhem has sucked for the last two years, next year, and every year after that until it gets changed, March Mayhem will replace the January battle royal thingee. For from now on, March Mayhem will be a battle royal. Four rings. 16 men in each ring. Until we have 4 people left standing. And then we'll have ourselves a four-way elimination match. In the biggest frigging cage of all all-time. It's gonna beat War Games, Hell in a Cell and that Mayhem cage. It's gonna be as big as a damn house. So fans, get ready. March Mayhem 2004, only eight months away!
MM: What big news there, Scotty.
SW: Like that'll be an easier. When do you suppose we'll see that pay-per-view? In May?
MS: It's gonna be THE GREATEST MARCH MAYHEM IN THE HISTORY OF MARCH MAYHEMS!
SW: And no doubt somebody will get screwed out of a title in February or March to set that silly thing up again.
Detached Narrator: OK. That's everyone then. Death. Where are you going?
Death: I don't have to stay here. I'm gonna go prepare for my shot at the Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title.
DN: But, but....
Death: Got things to do. See you soon.
DN: Fine. I guess I never did say you'd have to stay. OK, everybody other than Death. Return to your locker room. Since we're running long, we have to sit through a bunch of commercials and then some segments. So, see you all in just a little while, hopefully about 20 minutes. Until then, drink some fluids. We don't want anyone getting cramps out here naturally. I want to give them if there are gonna be any.
DN: Fifteen people will be eliminated in the Battle Royal. The survivors will compete on two teams, captained by the number one and number two contenders for the title. Right now, that is Billy Polar and Massive Man Rendition First. If they get eliminated in the battle royal portion, we will replace them with the next highest-ranked champion, even if that title is in my box. If you're not sure in which order titles are ranked in, check the BOB HALL OF SHAME page.
DN: From there, the rules are simple. The game continues until there is nobody left on your opponent's team. To score runs, and win the game, you must eliminate members of the opposing side. There are no DQs or countouts. People have to be pinned. For as far you get on base, you get to hit a move on an opponent of yours. For example, say you get a triple. That means, you get to hit three moves on one member of the opposing team, OR, you can hit one move on three different players. If you get a run, you get to choose who you eliminate from your opposing team, as a run counts for an elimination.
DN: Other than that, we're going to be making up rules as we go along. For strikes, foul balls, balls and other stuff.
Studnuts: Are corked bats legal?
Studnuts: Can we hit opponents with the corked bats?
DN: Only if you get on base and choose to hit someone with it. or make an out on them. You have to run with the bat.
Studnuts: Not a problem, jerkweed.
DN: Now, there is no way this will go into extra innings. Trust me. Now, as for the battle royal, to eliminate people, you must throw them over the perimeter of the baseball field into the stands. If you notice, there is the cage behind home plate, so you can't get an out on there, unless, well, you cut open the cage or do a really stupid move on there, I guess.
[Everyone looks at Kamikazie Ken.]
KK: What? (He looks up at the pressbox over the cage.) Oh... Look at that.
DN: That should explain everything. So, now, we'll be back in a while, fans, stay tuned.
Wife getting on your nerves? Children getting your crazy? Beer just not doing it for you anymore? When it gets so bad you want to kill them all and drive across country to avoid prosecution, just wait and remember, it's almost football season.
Monday Night Football returns in just a few weeks! Now put that knife away!
This morning's show is brought to you in part by
Only ??? Days Left Until Send Us Money: We Need A Title, Stat! It's going to be the greatest BOB pay-per-view ever and it's only going to be available live as it happens live on pay-per-view. Sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, nudity, naughty words and so much more. Entertainment for the entire family. Don't waste that money on porn. Waste in on BOB! Send Us Money: Expected Sometime Later This Year.
Backstage, Kay Fabe is strolling around, just minding her own business. Then she notices the camera is on and puts on her scared face. Worried where Sarah and Xamfir are and why she couldn't see them.
"I wonder where Sarah and Xamfir--"
[We've already established that, lezzy.]
"Oh, so you did. OK."
She headed into the Shaggy Gang's locker room, which was one of the class rooms. It was 9:29.
"Sarah? Xamfir? Michelle?"
She sat down on a couch that was conveniently there. She didn't understand why she didn't see them out on the field. Where could they be? She laid down and closed her eyes.
Sarah and Xamfir returned to their locker room. They went inside, hoping they'd see Kay. Instead, all they saw was an empty couch. It was 9:29 a.m. They both sat down, yes on top of Kay. Even though she had the weight of two people on her, she didn't notice. And they didn't notice they were sitting on her. What, we have a low budget? You expected tricky camera shots? Pfft. One-second of static.
[Caption: 9:31 a.m.]
Sarah and Xamfir are gone. Kay sat up. Yawned. Looked around.
"Wow, they're not back yet? That's kinda, out of the usual."
So she went for a walk. After a brief static shot, she was back in the hallways. She pushed open the cafeteria doors and headed inside. There, she saw a corpse laying on a table, a plastic knife and fork still on its skinless body.
Then she noticed something on the ground just a few feet away. She picked up the compact disc and looked at the cover.
"Oh! A clue! Cannibal Corpse. Oh! I know this one. They're a death metal band. And that's a corpse. So, a cannibal must have eaten him."
She looks around excited, then realizes she's alone.
"Must have more insights when others are around. OK. So I need to find a cannibal. That should be easy. The killer left me this clue, there must be another. Maybe Little Good will know."
The clock said it was 10:23.
Sarah and Xamfir heard the cafeteria doors open. They looked behind themselves but didn't see anybody there.
"Odd much," Sarah asked. "This is disgusting. I think somebody has taken their gimmick a bit too far."
"You think a jobber did this?"
"Who do you think did this?" Sarah said with a sigh.
"Why are you asking me? You're the Slayer. And it sure as hell wasn't Kay."
"Why couldn't it be? We've seen her kill a man before."
Xamfir paused. "You know, I really think we're taking this whole 'she killed somebody' thing on faith. Did you actually see her do it?"
"Well, no," Sarah said.
"It's weird, kind of like how you have a sister and you can't remember your mom giving birth or being pregnant."
"She was illegitimate. She was from my father's wife."
"No, my stepmom."
"Oh. I see. Well, why are we wasting time here looking at this corpse then? Let's go find us a cannibal. And by the way, isn't that SO cool?"
"50 Cent is cool. Britney Spears is cool. This is puke-factor right here."
"Find me in da club, bottle full of Bud..."
The two continued singing that song as they walked away from the mutilated corpse.
SW: You'll never guess what happened. It's raining.
MS: This is the rainiest day in the HISTORY OF RAINY DAYS in BOB!
MM: I believe this is the first time a BOB event has been delayed due to rain. Well fans, it looks like this may last a while. We've consulted the Weather Channel and Connecticut is really rainy right now. So, stay tuned. In the meantime, let's go to this match that was destined for the next Classix, but we desperately need now.
SW: Let's go south of the border with Sarah! Woo-hoo!
MM: This is South America. Rio De Janeiro to be specific. Every BOB booker of past took part, hoping to land the opportunity to book Send Us Money: Poink! Or, whatever the name of the pay-per-view is...*gulp*
SW: Nice one, Cole. Alright, let's go to the match. And you're so fired. Welcome to the rain delayed BaseBrawl.
[E NOW, living creature of Rio De Janeiro, are the first control detached of booking of the narrator for a match of the pag-for-sight. Starring, BigBOSS, LilBOSS, the bucket of average size, Trey Vincent, Sarah Slayer Of The Intermediary, Polar Billy, Jim, Massive Brandon, Rendition Of The Man First, Mr. Hungalot, Violent Pacifist and Bannister of Jean. E now, we go to direct for low to the ring starting underway this match. Brought you for fish of Babel!]
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: Boa vinda a este Brawlers em uma mostra do orçamento.
Miguel: Hello everyone. This is the first ever wrestling event to come to our city, and we couldn't be happier. A crowd of 100,000 has come to see some great wrestling tonight, Silvio.
Silvio: That's right, Miguel. We're gonna score a big goal tonight, just like the many men who will score in our crowd tonight.
Silvio: And we understand this match is going to be simulcast here and in the United States.
[Cut to BigBOSS, weeks later, in his office.]
BigB: If by simulcast, you guys mean about four weeks later, then yes. That's right.
[Back to Rio.]
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: A seguinte competição é programada para um agarrar do coupon do controle do booking no PRUMO seguinte emite-nos o dinheiro: Você nomeia nosso PPV, e registra-o demasiado! Não haverá nenhuma pinfalls ou submissão. Você somente tem que agarrar a parte de papel que é 30 pés sobre o anel nesta GAIOLA que GIGANTE NÓS NOS RASGAMOS FORA "DE SAIR de WCW NOVO" DA VENDA do NEGÓCIO!
Miguel: And listen to that crowd roar and cheer.
Silvio: Oh look. BOOBS!
Miguel: SILVIO! What a massive cage that is. 30 feet in the air, three levels, and at the top is the booking coupon for the next BOB PPV, which we will never see since we do not have American pay-per-view.
Silvio: What was the "New WCW"?
Miguel: I don't know. But I'm sure it sucked.
Silvio: More BOOBS!
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: ntroduzir primeiramente. O homem que registrou o PRUMO desde 1999. Vive onde quer que o FBI não . É o BigBOSS!
Miguel: And the crowd goes monkey!
["Orange Pants In Hell" plays for the BigBOSS. He walks out, as fans chant "underling" at him.]
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: Participant número dois. Graniza da aposentadoria. O criador de tão bom quanto a noite de segunda-feira quinta-feira, é LilBOSS!
["Short Shorts" plays for the LilBOSS, who was forced out of BOB thanks to Trey Vincent. Well, tonight he gets a shot at revenge. I guess. Especially if he wins.]
LilB: Hey BigB.
LilB: How's it going?
BigB: Lost control of my own company. You?
LilB: Making more money than I ever was in BOB.
Miguel: And the crowd gets a laugh out of that one.
Silvio: It was a funny one. Zing!
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: Introduzir em seguida. Vindo ao anel com a cubeta Meio-Feita sob medida, este é o ícone do entertainment dos esportes, Trey Vincent!
["Territory (Sounds Of Papers And Plastic Balls Containing Papers Being Turned In A Medium-Sized Bucket In The Background (Remix)" by Sepultura, plays, getting a huge pop from the crowd. Sepultura was from there, right?]
TV: Well, well, well, if it isn't the guy I beat for booking control and the guy I beat for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
BigB: What are you doing with my bucket?
TV: Nothing. Nothing at all. It just needed somebody to bring it down the aisle.
LilB: Sure it did, a likely story. I know your game, Vincent.
TV: Naked Twister?
Miguel: I sense shenanigans afoot. Trey and the Bucket coming out together. That can't be good news. It looks like we have a two-some looking out for each other here.
Silvio: LilBOSS and BigBOSS?
Miguel: No, Trey and the Medium-Sized Bucket.
Silvio: You are a complete moron.
Miguel: Shut up you.
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: Sair em seguida. De Cloudydale, EUA. É Sarah "o slayer do intermediário."
["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays, and out walks Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."]
Crowd: Mostre seus melharucos! Mostre seus melharucos!
Sarah: Uh, thank you?
Sarah: Medium-Sized Bucket.
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: E em seguida. Comissário anterior de PRUMO Billy Polar!
["Money" by Pink Floyd hits. Polar gets a pop from the crowd.]
Billy: It's great to be in Rio De Janeiro. It's no Harvard, but it's damn near close. And who do we have here today. BigBOSS! Long time no see. What have you been doing besides bouncing checks. Ahh, and LilBOSS. Nice to see you again. I guess. Trey Vincent. It's an honor to meet, me I'm sure. The iAd has nothing on the hArvArd. And Sarah.
Sarah: Billy. I look forward to kicking your ass all over a new continent.
Billy: Still as sweet as ever. Say, now that Heidi is insane, how'd you like to play Baba Wawa with me?
Sarah: In your dreams.
Billy: No, I was thinking in my bed, actually.
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: Para fora de em seguida. Nós temos Jim e Brandon do estado Krew de Kent
["Four-Play, Baby (One More Time)" hit, and yet more cheers. The hell? Isn't anybody not liked here? They must not get the TV shows. That explains it.]
Brandon: Hey look, it's Trey Vincent, the guy we beat for these titles.
Jim: You just don't have it anymore, do you Vincent.
TV: Oh, I have it. You just, tricked me.
Jim: Yeah, that was a real hard one to pull over on you. Do sweaters stump you?
TV: That's about enough out of you.
Billy: Hey look, it's those Ohio guys. I didn't know you guys were still around. And still, in the same spot as when I got frozen last year. That's mighty impressive there fellas.
Jim: Keep talking Billy.
Billy: Oh, believe me I will.
BigB: Just a reminder, if I don't win, I'll fire you all.
LilB: After a flogging match.
BigB: Right, underling.
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: E seguinte, é maciço e é um homem, ele é Josh. Rendition Primeiramente!
["Powertrip" by Monster Magnet played, and out came Massive Man Rendition First. I believe this will be the first match he fights his former Totally Face mates. Lord knows. If so, it could be quite interesting.]
MMR1: Jim and Brandon. Finally, I get to show you two CSuckers a thing or two about Massiveness.
Jim: Everyone knows I was the massive one of the group.
Brandon: No way, dude.
Jim: Afraid so, Brandon.
MMR1: That's it, now it's personal.
Jim: NOW, it's personal? It's been personal for us for, well, about six months. The BigBOSS wouldn't book us to fight. Maybe the Detached Narrator will let us finally settle things.
BigB: Screw all of you!
LilB: Yeah. Respect his authoritah!
MMR1: Fine. Sometime soon. Well do it. Massive Man and JC Long vs. you two guys. Once I'm not in the main event anymore.
BP: Oh, shut up. You'll never beat me you CLicker.
MMR1: CLicker? That coming from a ALicker.
Miguel: It's getting vaguely insulting out there, isn't it.
Sarah: You know none of you guys are going to win anyway.
TV: Damnit Sarah, you have no right to have an ego. You can beat any jobber you want, but I can't recall you beating me.
Sarah: Well, you have much more fun beating yourself if you know what I mean.
MMR1: Hey, Sarah.
MMR1: This is getting crazy, isn't it.
Sarah: I guess.
MMR1: Say, did I ever tell you what my middle name is?
Sarah: Uh, no?
MMR1: It's Angel.
Sarah: It is?
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: E finalmente. Senhor Hungalot e bannister de Jean. Dor & Prazer!
VP: No, that isn't finally!
["Closer" by Nine Inch Nails hits. In the audience, several women rip their tops off as VP walks out. He looks at the wrestling ring set up on the stage before the 100,000 fans. And the hundreds of topless ladies. He dives into the crowd.]
Silvio: That guy has his priorities straight. I wonder if he's a Passive Nymphomaniac. Like, he's sorry that he's horny so he tries not to act interested, but is like an animal and needs it all day long.
Miguel: I sure as hell don't want to think about this stuff.
[Then, Rock N Roll Part II hits the speakers. The "Love Rollercoaster." Back and forth several times as Pain & Pleasure make their entrance.]
Miguel: VP is out of the crowd. Uh oh. He's going after Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese. He has Mr. Baseball Bat.
VP: I'm sorry. But you deserved that. (He stage dives into the women in the crowd again.
JB: Looks like he won't be a big help.
SH: I'm the only big help you'll need tonight. I more than make up for Violent Pacifist.
JB: I'm keeping Mr. Hockey Stick. And you're weapon will be?
SH: We're allowed to have weapons?
JB: I think so…
TV: Are we? You don't say.
Referee Genérico: I'll allow it.
Billy, MMR1, Jim, Brandon, Sir Hungalot and LilB: D'oh!
LilB: Hey, BigB, why didn't you say, D'oh?
BigB: I have a weapon.
LilB: I don't see one.
BigB: You don't? *Holds up a mirror*
LilB: Ahh, nice one, BOSS.
BigB: Oh, no, I think you misunderstand.
Jim: FKnocker, you're mine!
MMR1: Bring it on BMunch (he says, leaning against the ropes).
COMING SUMMER 2010, A MOVIE SO BAD, IT CAN ONLY BE…
BOB: MAGIC & MAYHEM!
A MAN AND HIS WIFE WERE DOWN ON THEIR LUCK
Magic Man: Hey honey, do you want to go to BOB?
Bunny: Sure, I could use a couple bucks.
IT ALL STARTED WITH A DREAM
Operator: Collect call from BigBOSS of Brawlers On a Budget.
Magic Man: I accept!
AND THEN IT ALL WENT SO TERRIBLY WRONG
BigBOSS: Hello underlings. Welcome to Brawlers On a Budget.
THEN, IT BECAME A NIGHTMARE
BigBOSS; You'll get $10 a week! Mwahahahaha!
Magic Man + Bunny: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES!
-WKRP in Cincinnati
BigBOSS: Tonight you'll be facing Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden in a Chemical Weapons Death Match!
-Bobo Q. Fiendish
Starring The Rock as BigBOSS
Jim Carrey as Billy Polar
Britney Spears as Nurse Heidi
Sarah Michelle Gellar as Sarah The Jobber Slayer
and David Arquette as Neige 13
A STORY OF DEATH, WEIRD SEX POSITIONS, HORROR AND SURVIVAL
SUMMER 2010, maybe…
In the basement of Cloudydale University, Kay Fabe was looking around for Little Good. Suddenly he popped out at her.
"If you're looking for a box to munch on, you might want to go upstairs to the girls' dorm," Little Good greeted. "All that's down here are wet cardboard boxes and some rug. But you don't want to put the tongue on that stuff."
"Hey, wow, you seem even more psychotic than usual," Kay Fabe said, sounding quite the freaked. "I needed to see you. There's been a murder."
"You went away."
"Yeah. Styles wanted to teach me how to not murder people with magic."
"Get my violins." He turned to Kay. "Was there blood?"
"Yeah. The victim was kind of skinned and eaten. Do you know what could do that?"
"You could do it. If you were still a lesbian, that is."
"Well, it was a dead guy. I think. That's not the point though."
"Look at you," Little Good said, talking to one of the voices in his head no doubt. "Your nose is running. You've got a cold? And what's the deal with colds? If you've got a cold, you're not cold. Why don't they call it a tired?"
"Are you the new Jerry Seinfeld-"
"I have to go. I have to read the script for the next line..."
"Wait!" Kay pleaded.
Little Good was bent over as the sound of flipping pages was heard. "Everyone's talking to me. Nobody is talking to each other. Old Maid, Old Maid, who's got the old maid. My bet's on the lesbian!" he said, staring directly at Kay.
That's when Sarah and Xamfir came in. Except it was about a minute earlier and they heard Little Good mentioning the girls' dorm rooms.
No response. Sarah repeated. He looked up at her. "You went away."
"It was just...your puppy," Sarah said.
"Get my violins." He looked away from Sarah. "Was there blood?"
"He knows," Sarah assumed.
"He did it!" Xamfir concluded.
"You could do it. If you were still a lesbian, that is."
Xamfir's mouth dropped. "You were a lesbian?"
"It was only once," Sarah said sound remorseful and embarrassed.
"Look at you," Little Good said, walking over to Sarah. "You're nose is running. You've got a cold? And what's the deal with colds? If you've got a cold, you're not cold. Why don't they call it a tired?"
"What do you think, I could put some pads up on this room, we stuff him in a strait-jacket, it'll be fun," Xamfir said, as they were ready to leave.
Little Good was bent over as the sound of flipping pages was heard. "Everyone's talking to me. Nobody is talking to each other. Old Maid, Old Maid, who's got the old maid. My bet's on the lesbian!" he said, staring directly at nothing over there down the hall.
Sarah and Xamfir stopped.
"You've seen Kay," Sarah asked.
"They think you did it. The Slayer and her monkey."
"Her monkey? I'm her MONKEY?"
Little Good was suddenly face to face with Xamfir. "Ook." He then walked away, deeper into the insanity that was the basement.
[Cut back to the announcer's booth.]
Mike: Well, as you can see, it's still raining out here in Cloudydale.
Scotty: Rain in Cloudydale, what are the odds.
Shill: It's the CLOUDIEST DAY IN THE HISTORY OF CLOUDYDALE!
Mike: Well, let's get back to Rio De Janeiro for the conclusion of the winner names and books the next pay-per-view. And I honestly don't know how that Coma rumor got started. He's not even in the match. Silly people.
Silvo: And here we go. Oh my, BigBOSS just picked up LilBOSS. He knocks down a charging Billy Polar.
Miguel: Down goes Hungalot.
Silvio: And that's a long ride for Hungalot. Zing!
Miguel: Vincent has the Medium-Sized Bucket. Ouch. He hits Jean Bannister in the face, but Bannister slashes Vincent in the leg on his way down. Vincent loses the Bucket.
Silvio: Jim charges at Massive Man. Sarah gets in the way. Just like a woman.
Miguel: She's helping him? But why?
MMR1: It's Angel.
Sarah: It is?
Silvio: Ahhh, now we know.
Miguel: Sarah with a sidekick, puts Brandon on the mat. The fans are going wild for Sarah. And look at Massive Man, just leaning on the ropes, getting a sun tan.
Silvio: There is no sun tanning in wrestling!
TV: Who said that?
Silvio: Uh oh. Uh, he did.
Miguel: Uh oh, he's coming our way, and he doesn't look happy with you.
Silvio: You think?
TV: Listen, I'll give you a break this once. But for the future, this is sports entertainment, get it?
Silvio: Yes. Yes I do.
TV: Good. Now call the ma--
Miguel: Oh my, BigBOSS just hit Vincent in the back with LilBOSS.
LilB: I think I'm gonna puke!
BigB: Shut up. We're gonna get back at Vincent.
LilB: Couldn't I not be swung though?
BigB: That wouldn't make sense, would it?
LilB: I guess not.
Miguel: And BigBOSS hits LilBOSS into TV's face. Oh my! Vincent is laid out on the empty American Announce Table™. BigBOSS pulls Vincent up on the table. Pulls. Keeps pulling…
Silvio: Meanwhile, in the ring, Sarah takes Brandon down with a whoreaconrana. ZING!
Sarah: Who said that?
Silvio: Ah, crap! Now SHE is coming my way. What did I do?
Miguel: Pulling some more…
Sarah: I am not a whore.
Silvio: Please don't kill me.
Silvio: Phew. Brandon and Jim are double-teaming Massive Man. Sir Hungalot has the Medium-Sized Bucket.
Miguel: Pulling. Trey Vincent comes to. Oh, he trips BigBOSS and gets up on the table.
Silvio: Sarah kicks Jim away. And now Brandon. She charges at them. One foot kicks each man.
Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHH! RDJ! RDJ! RDJ!
[Their life is like ECW, I guess?]
Silvio: The big Sir just hit the Massive Man in the head with the bucket. Sarah charges at him! Hungalot throws the bucket at her. She catches it! Uh oh, he has Mr. Hocket Stick!
Silvio: Sarah goes down like the U.S. whore she is. He IKE TURNERS the CRAP out of her.
Crowd: RDJ! RDJ!
Silvio: The chant from the crowd just sends chills down your spine. You gotta love it here. Hungalot tosses Sarah out of the cage. Well, there she goes, she rolls the rest of the way out.
Miguel: CHOKESLAM FROM THE U.S.! The poorly-made American table is destroyed.
[CROWD POPS HUGE! They usually only see this sort of violence on the streets.]
Silvio: Where did Billy Polar go?
Miguel: There he is! He's up on the alien space craft!
Billy: (yells but can't be heard)
Silvio: Is he insane? He DIVES!
Miguel: Leg drop on the fallen Slayer!
Silvio: it's a good thing the ship was only about 10 feet above the ring.
Billy: Thanks, guys!
[The spaceship beeps and flies away]
Miguel: And Trey Vincent is heading back to the ring. BigBOSS and LilBOSS are both down. LilBOSS is vomiting. Oh no, a fan just grabbed a handful of vomit!
Silvio: That'll be on eBay by the end of the night.
Miguel: Massive Man spears Jim out of the ring. He continues the assault on the floor, kicking away on him.
Silvio: Vincent is back in the ring. He grabs the Medium-Sized Bucket and goes toward Massive Man.
Miguel: I guess they're not locking the cage door shut?
Silvio: Obviously. Uh-oh, Vincent takes the Medium-Sized Bucket and waits just beside the door.
Miguel: Sarah walks in. Oh! Cheap hit by Vincent there!
Silvio: it IS a chain-link fence. It's not like he was hiding behind a wall.
Miguel: True. Polar heads up to the top rope. And look at him play monkey bars. He monkeys over to Jean Bannister and double kicks him in the face. Bannister is dazed and turns around.
Silvio: A Spinal Tap! We haven't seen Billy do that move since March Mayhem 2001, I'm told.
Silvio: Vincent throws the Bucket at Polar and knocks him off the cage all the way to the mat.
Miguel: Hey look! Violent Pacifist is going into the cage. And he's got a second weapon. He gets in behind Trey Vincent! Bra choke! Bra choke! Bra choke!
Silvio: I'm sure Vincent has felt that plenty of times from his dates.
Miguel: And Sarah is back up again. She slides in and gets the Medium-Sized Bucket!
*THUD*, Vincent goes down, *THUD*, Polar goes down, *THUD* VP goes down, *THUD*, Jim goes down, *THUD*, Brandon goes down, *THUD*, Hungalot goes down, *THUD*, Bannister is down.
Miguel: Sarah lifts up the Bucket! OH! She just through the Bucket into the cage! What a throw!
Silvio: I think the Bucket is pretty much out of this one. That was quite a bump.
Miguel: Sarah grabs a ladder from the floor and sets it up. She's heading up to the second level.
Silvio: Don't you mean the first level?
Miguel: Hmm, I don't know honestly.
Silvio: How about, the second floor of the cage?
Miguel: isn't that what I just said?
Silvio: No, you said the first level. The first floor of the cage is what Sarah is going up to.
Miguel: What?! Never mind. BigBOSS is getting up. Oh good God, LilBOSS just vomited on BigBOSS!
BigB: Ack! Ack! Ack! Patew! Yicky, yuck yuck yuck!. How dare you vomit on me.
LilB: It's your fault.
BigB: How so? That you have a weak stomach?
LilB: Look! Sarah is on the second level of the cage.
BigB: Crap. And Silvio, it's the second level, do you see another floor of cage.
Miguel: Haha. ZING to you.
Silvio: Oh, shove it.
Miguel: Trey Vincent is back up. He sees BigBOSS and LilBOSS getting in the cage and is going to stop them if he can.
TV: Damn it, why is there no door to slam on their heads!
Miguel: Polar just climbed up the ladder. She's looking for a way out of the second level.
Silvio: This one could get bloody. I wonder if Sarah has ever bled in a match. Other than between her legs. ZING!
Miguel: That's tasteless.
Silvio: But ZING.
Miguel: LilBOSS just climbed under Vincent's legs. Oh, and BigBOSS pushes Vincent over!
Silvio: Old school wrestling right there.
TV: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Silvio: Oh, thank goodness, BigBOSS kicks Vincent in the jaw. And now he's pounding away on Vincent's face. And now BigBOSS' hand is really hurting him.
Miguel: Sarah backdrops Billy on the cage! Now what is she doing?
Silvio: I think she's feeling for where the cage was supposed to give out.
Silvio: What? I wanted a Foley-esque bump. But I think Polar outsmarted her! He did. Look!
Miguel: Polar punches Sarah in the stomach! OH NO! NO!
[CAGE GIVES OUT, HUGE THUMP AS SARAH HITS]
Crowd: Merda holy! Merda holy! Merda holy! Merda holy!
MMR1: Sarah! Help!
Miguel: Oh my! Flapjack by Jim on Massive Man. Brandon heads to the top rope! Bitch Smacking Frog Splash!
Silvio: Sarah is down, she will not be helping anybody.
Miguel: Violent Pacifist is up onto the second level. Billy Polar got the door to the third layer open. Once they get to the third level, they will have to move out to the wide open top of the cage and risk falling to the depths of 30 feet below.
Silvio: Where are Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano when you need them? They'd be hopping off there for fun, so I am told.
Miguel: VP charges at Polar! Clothesline with the bra! No doubt, Polar would like to have another HardxCore Polarvision. A show that was, oddly enough, taken by Totally Face last summer. A lot of history in this match.
Silvio: Vincent picks up LilBOSS by the feet! OH! Retribution by Vincent, smacking BigBOSS to the floor.
TV: Holy hell, what did you eat for lunch?
Silvio: Vincent launches LilBOSS into the cage headfirst! Hey, he ripped that off from Monday Nitro when Nash did that to Rey Mysterio.
TV: Tell me you didn't say that, scrub.
Silvio: Uh oh.
Miguel: VP is punching Polar to the hole in the cage where Sarah fell down and still hasn't moved from. Think somebody should check on her?
Silvio: Nah, she's just a good seller.
Silvio: That was a ZING for you.
Miguel: Oh my! VP just punched Polar over the edge of the cliff of the cage! And grabs him! He just saved Sarah from more damage. What a thoughtful save there.
Silvio: Or was it his violent pacifism? Makes you wonder?
Miguel: VP whips him to the opposite side of the cage. Misses a clothesline. Polar whips VP into the cage, Polar hits a dropkick.
MMR1: Sarah, you stupid bitch. You were supposed to help me. Now I have to beat these guys up myself. You are just useless. And you know what, my middle name really isn't Angel. Hehehe.
Miguel: Sarah just came to life! She grabs Massive Man by the throat!
Sarah: You DSwallower!
Miguel: Sarah just through Massive Man over the top rope and so far that he hit the cage!
Silvio: Woman power in its fullest there.
Miguel: Sarah is going after Massive Man. She picks him up. Oh, brutal whip into the cage! The cage gives again! Massive Man tumbles to the floor. Sarah has the bucket. Oh no. She's going after Massive Man with it. Three of the competitors are out of the cage again.
Silvio: We really should have gotten a door, huh?
Miguel: Sarah is chasing Massive Man into the crowd with the bucket. Oh man, it's breaking loose!
Silvio: Trey Vincent just got to the second level. He grabs Violent Pacifist. Atomic drop. Polar kicks Vincent in the nuts and pulls him to the cage. Oh, he rams Vincent's face into the cage.
Miguel: Look at this! LilBOSS just punched Jean Bannister from behind. He thinks Brandon did it! And now he punches Jim from behind. He thinks Sir Hungalot did it.
Silvio: LilBOSS comes through with a plan there.
Miguel: Totally Face could splinter even more here.
Silvio: And what is this? LilBOSS and BigBOSS get to the second level. It's getting mighty cramped in there.
Miguel: They've come to a standstill. Nobody can move!
Silvio: Hope a fire doesn't break out. ZING! They're a fire hazard, you get it?
Miguel: I get it. It sucks, but I get it.
Silvio: There's only one door to escape from there. And VP is closest to it. But he can't open it wide enough because there's not enough room.
VP: Hey BigBOSS, go back down a level!
BB: Do you know how dumb that would look?
VP: ... Do you SEE what we look like at the moment.
Miguel: Can we get those microphones turned down.
Silvio: Wait, look what we got here. Pain & Pleasure versus the Kent State Krew. An impromptu tag team match in the middle of another match.
Miguel: This is exciting. God bless BOB's stupidity!
BOB IS THE MOST TRUSTED NAME IN PARODY SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. ISN'T THAT SAD? Watch our shows and buy our stuff. We're hardkor.
Back in present day Cloudydale, Kay Fabe stood outside a door.
"Kay, let me in or I'll beat you up for that pathetic knock-knock joke."
Jeannie opened the door of her locker room. "Hey, I thought you were in New England getting help with your, you know, trying to get less bitchy."
"It was witchy. I need your help."
She pushed her way in.
"Sure, I don't have anything embarrassing laying out."
Kay looked around to see a bunch of magazines laying on the ground with studly men on the cover. And a car battery. With clamps. And a hypodermic needle. But otherwise, clean as a whistle.
"I need to wish something."
"Oh, fine. Since Xamfir said I could grant you a wish, I guess that's fine."
"I wish you could poof me to where Xamfir and are."
"Why are you still here?" Jeannie wondered. "That wish should have teleported you there through the magic of literature."
"I'm scared, Jeannie. I think something happened to them."
"Really? You think so? Well, why don't we go to that scary cave. Maybe they're trapped there!"
They both run out of the locker room.
MS: Hello fans, and WELCOME back to the most RAINED OUT EDITION in BOB HISTORY!
MM: We're waiting for a break in the weather to get that battle royal and BaseBrawl game underway. Meanwhile, I hope you're enjoying the exciting trip to Rio De Janeiro.
SW: Rio is to BOB what France is to Jerry Lewis.
MM: Couldn't have said it better myself. Maybe we should move it there.
SW: Nah, I think once every four years would be good. If they saw our day-to-day product, they'd be like most of America. Very uninterested.
MS: But we remain the NUMBER ONE SHOW in parody e-wrestling today.
SW: That's right, Tony, it really helps that nobody is on against us.
MS: That's right, Scotty. I haven't seen it rain this hard since I was a boy.
MM: Well, let's take another commercial break. I think our time-slot will be gone before this rain clears out. It may be postponed. But stay tuned anyway fans, it still might come back. And besides, you're seeing the most extreme match in BOB history.
MS: The MOST EXTREME.
SW: Aside from Kamikazie Ken/Insano Mano matches.
MM: We'll be right back.
SW: What's up with the broken English by these announcers?
MM: It's dubbed in. I think. It's like Godzilla movies, but make less sense.
SW: That just sums up BOB right there. Like "Godzilla" movies, but dumber.
MM: We'll be back fans. Pray for sun.
SW: (Mouthing) NO!!
Coming to newstands this TUESDAY: The brand-spanking new BOB newspaper, the BOB Times! Featuring short articles, small pictures and tons of ads. As soon as sales go up, we'll be able to afford more. This month, look for a small layout featuring Nurse Heidi doing a strip-tease in front of a mirror. Also, get the latest from BOSSTalk. All four paragraphs of it. And a one page feature on BOBsters thoughts on that blonde chick from that big fed posing in that nudie magazine. Only $5. Available Tuesday!
The BOB Times: The Only "News" We Could Scrape Together Or Make Up Fit To Print
Outside, Little Good is walking through the woods.
"I can't believe I'm a bleeding dog now. On the trail of blood. Why couldn't they train me to find drugs or Christina Aguilera or Jennifer Lopez. Then that'd be something to go looking for. But nooooooo. Let's teach our boy to smell blood from great distances. THANKS MOM! Now I look like Eminem and am stuck with these wankers.
"Do you think this is a good plan?" Michelle asked.
"You got anything else?" Sarah asked back.
"We should have strapped ourselves to him," Xamfir said.
"Yeah, strap ourselves to a crazy jobber," Sarah said. "A world of no."
"I was looking up stuff on jobbers and I saw that the sort of jobber might do this is named Viscera. He's big and fat, I'm sure he could eat a person like that if he wanted," Michelle said.
"She knows who Viscera is. Great," Sarah said.
Little Good stopped. Xamfir ran into him, then Sarah and then Michelle. It's the Cloudydale Caves.
"End of the bloody line. No more blood. Get off the hooooooootrain. Wooowoooo!"
"OK, that was beyond scary," Xamfir said. "Oh, wait, I get it. It's a cannibalistic cave that eats them as they walk inside? It's either that or Viscera got fatter and rockier."
Little Good looked at him bizarrely. "Inside the cave. I'm insane, what's his excuse?"
Xamfir shoved Little Good away, who walked deeper into the woods of confusion.
"Let's end this. In the next segment," Sarah commanded as they walked toward the caves.
Kay Fabe was already inside.
A guttural voice spoke to her. "She's all alone, ready to DIIIEEEE, going to bleed, starting at her THIGHS!!!!"
That's when somebody hit her in the head with a Shatter-Easy™ Human Skull. She fell to the floor, hurt, but not quite unconscious. She saw the blurry image of...of....
A pale, skinny kid with long brown hair, wearing blue jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt. He was headbanging maniacally.
"Who are you?" Kay asked.
"I am the CANNIBALLLLLLLL, DIE! I've got a knife! To take you life! You're gonna smell and you're going to hell! Roooooooooar!" He pulled out a plastic knife. "I'm gonna skin you like a potato!"
And now, back to South America!
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: As senhoras e os gentlemen, a seguinte competição são um distract as audiências assim que nós podemos figurar para fora de que o inferno a fazer sobre o mess grande na gaiola. VAMOS COMEÇÁ-la SOBRE!
[Crowd laughs. He leaves the ring.]
Miguel: This is about pride, not titles.
Silvio: This should be an OK match. There is a ladder in play in the cage, so let's see what happens.
Miguel: Here we go. Hungalot and Jim hookup while Brandon and Bannister tangle. Bannister and Jim are whipped into the ropes. They see each other, hold on and begin fighting.
Silvio: It looks like Brandon and Bannister aren't too pleased with that. Think they had something else in mind. You know, something more entertaining?
Miguel: Could be. They charge. All four men topple over the top rope. Bannister grabs Mr. Hockey stick. But Jim has Mr. Baseball Bat. Bannister rolls into the ring. Jim follows.
Silvio: Bannister tries to trip Jim, but he, nope, he gets tripped.
Miguel: Bannister comes looking for a cross-check, but Jim blocks it. Jim spits in Bannister's eye. Jim is up on his feet. He goes for the long-ball! Bannister just curves out of the way.
Silvio: It's like war of the stupid American sports!
Miguel: Oh, Bannister spears Jim. But Jim responds with a bunt to Bannister's chest.
Silvio: Out on the floor, Brandon grabs the ladder, puts it on his shoulder and charges at the Sir Hungalot. HA-HA! Hungalot takes two steps to the side and Brandon runs into the cage. Which breaks over there too.
Miguel: Hungalot gets behind Brandon.
Silvio: Ah, that brings back memories of his great movie "The Greek Job," except in that one, there was a girl.
Miguel: Hmm, I thought it reminded me of "Sextrix: Reloaded."
Silvio: No, in that one, the girl was bent over backwards.
Miguel: Oh yeah, that's right. And I hear his next movie will be "The Incredible Bulk."
Silvio: Didn't he already do that movie?
Miguel: Well, maybe it's the sequel.
Silvio: What was that?
Miguel: What was what?
Silvio: It looked like J.C. Long climbing the cage with bolt cutters?
Miguel: Oh? I must have missed that. Oh my, Jim just hit Bannister in the behind with the baseball bat. Bannister drops the hockey stick. And one more shot to Bannister's butt with the batt, er, bat. Krew Kutter! Bannister is down!
Silvio: Look! Kamikazie Ken just wheeled out a big pool filled with spaghetti.
Miguel: Stop talking crazy. Cover by Jim!
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THRE-OHHHhhhh.
Silvio: Ken has a boomerang.
Miguel: Save by Hungalot. Just in the nick of time.
Silvio: G-spot! G-spot! Jim is in the G-spot!
Referee Genérico: Do you want to quit?
SH: NO! NEVER!
Referee Genérico: I was talking to Jim.
SH: Oh. Carry on.
Miguel: And we go from the G-Spot to a Kent State Plunge with a ladder to Jean Bannister, who was just getting back up.
Silvio: How is that possible? He just wrapped the ladder around his arm and clothesline Bannister with it?
Miguel: ...Yes. Oh, and he hits Hungalot in the head.
Silvio: That was one of the weakest ladder shots I've ever seen. If Hogan could lift a ladder, that would be what he would do.
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: Os vencedores do fósforo, o estado KREWWWWWW de Kent.
Miguel: All four men are exhausted. They're all laying on the--wait a minute! Look at the third level of the cage.
Silvio: Gee, what is it? J.C. Long?
Miguel: It is! He has bolt cutters! And all of the men fall out stacked styles, just like on those shows when people are listening at the door and get caught!
Silvio: Describe them falling enough?
Miguel: I think that was adequate. WHOA! The Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Title Belt just whacked J.C. Long in the head. He's rumbling, stumbling, FUMBLING!
*Cartoon falling sound.*
*PLETTT* (I think that's what it would sound like.)
Miguel: Oh no, tomato sauce is flying in every direction!
Silvio: Ken is now climbing the cage! He's up where J.C. Long just fell from.
Miguel: All the competitors are getting up. Violent Pacifist. Billy Polar. Trey Vincent. BigBOSS and LilBOSS. It's down to these men. Sarah, Massive Man Rendition First and the Medium-Sized Bucket went fighting into the crowd and haven't been seen since.
Silvio: Not that we were looking very hard.
Miguel: Uh-oh. Ken sees them. He knocks VP down. There goes Polar. Vincent is knocked down. Ken grabs LilBOSS and whacks him into BigBOSS
Jim (from below): Dude, sick!
Silvio: What the HELL is Ken doing?
Miguel: He's gonna use him like a chair! He dives!
[Huge cheers from the crowd for the spot, even if it was into spaghetti.]
This Christmas, why get your family member or friend the same old boring gift. This year, surprise them with BOB: The Complete 1999 Season DVD Set! It comes complete with optional commentary by some people we're trying to get right now! It features all the matches, all the segments, all the silly commentary, and a topless Nurse Heidi! It comes on four discs and will be sold at the low-low budget price of $40! How can you say no to BOB? You can't! Buy it! It's just $40 you'll waste on food or gas.
"Oh, there you are. I lost track of Kay," Jeannie told the Shaggy Gang as they crawled inside the cave. "She could be anywhere in this huge cave." That's when they heard the guttural singing of some death-metal wannabe.
"Satannnnnn! You will rot forever with my master!!!!!!"
"Isn't that--" Xamfir started.
"The Cannibal. I'd heard he was coming to Cloudydale. This one's gonna be messy."
She ran into the next cave over and saw Cannibal leaning down and eating something. He looks up and grrrrred at her. He charged and stabbed at her, hitting her sweater. It didn't rip, oddly.
"Close, but not close enough. You're SO dead."
Meanwhile, Xamfir was quite concerned, not being able to see Kay. "Where is she?"
"She right here. You can't see her?"
"Get him in the eye," Jeannie yelled to Sarah.
"Eye, eye, I can do that."
More thrown punches. The Cannibal dove through Sarah's legs and grabbed her by the throat. She pulled out her banana and began stuffing it in his left eye! He roared out. And then died. The banana pierced his brain and killed him. And yes, you just read that.
"Kay?" Sarah asked, shaking off some eye goo from her fingers.
"We'll go get help," Jeannie said, dragging Michelle with her.
"I want to see Kay too," Michelle protested with no success.
"Kay, if you're there, we missed you and we love you. And we don't care how many people you ki--"
Suddenly they could see her.
"Oh my God," Xamfir said, seeing something happened to her, but the camera wasn't showing it. No, not for taste, simply because the special-effects make-up is surprisingly costly. Theatre of the mind, people.
"You're gonna be OK," Sarah assured her.
"Awww," a voice moaned behind them.
Everyone turned around.
"So close. Ah well. See you guys later." He climbed out of the hole.
"Don't leave me."
"We're right here."
"Oh my God, she's BLIND!"
Sarah slapped Xamfir. All is well again.
"What the hell was that?"
"I don't know. It was kind of funny though."
Kay gets up. Nothing is wrong with her. "We clear?"
A voice off-screen says "no."
Kay falls back to the floor as we cut away.
MM: Well fans, BaseBrawl has been postponed due to rain. We understand it's been rescheduled for whenever it isn't raining here. Which will likely be sometime this week. We'll bring you all the taped footage next weekend.
Caption on screen: Mike's promises subject to change.
MM: Until next week,
Caption on screen: Mike's promises subject to change.
MM: This is Mike Monroe for Scotty Whatbody and Mark Shill saying good morning!
[The camera stays on him.]
MM: What? Ohh, right, we still have that match. Go watch that.
Silvio: Now that's what you call protecting your wrestlers.
Miguel: What the? It's COMA! Why is Coma on his way to the ring?
Miguel: Good call. Oh, he's come to help push the spaghetti thing backstage. Very good hand. Whoops, look like he just tripped. What's he looking at there? *BBBGZT*
Silvio: Damn, man, what are you doing.
Miguel: It was a mosquito.
Silvio: Oh, OK, then.
Miguel: BigBOSS trips Vincent, and his face hits the cage floor. He jumps on Polar's back and, good GOD, did he just break his neck?
Silvio: No, I think Billy just moved his head in revulsion at the vomit smell.
Miguel: Ah, that would make sense, yes. Polar passes out from the vomit-smell. VP is climbing up to the Booking Coupon! BigBOSS grabs his foot.
Silvio: What is Coma doing to LilBOSS? Good lord man, NO! Not on television.
Miguel: How can you look at Coma, VP is at the top of the cage!
Miguel: VP has DONE it! He's gotten booking control of the next PPV? The former Commish is back in charge!
Silvio And what a stupid choice that is. Wait a minute, VP doesn't have anything in his hands. He's looking around confused.
Miguel: I smell a screw job.
Silvio: And not of the Sir Hungalot variety.
Miguel: Definitely not. Let's go to Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese.
Anunciador Mascarado Portuguese: O vencedor do fósforo, COMA!
Silvio + Miguel and every BOBster in the ring or on the cage (and no, this does not include BigBOSS: WHAT?
TV: Damnit. Throw a mic up here!
[Somebody obliges, and I help it along to save time.]
TV: BigBOSS, what the HELL just happened here?
BigB: So close. So damn close.
[A closeup of Coma with the tomato sauce-stained Booking Coupon.]
Coma + Crowd: POINK! (Coma jumps in surprise at the huge poink!)
BigB: Me and LilBOSS, before the show and after the Coupon was put up here, we snuck up and took it. We didn't expect the AYOOYFM Belt to attack J.C. Long or Kamkazie Ken to jump off the cage with LilBOSS. It was gonna be more confusing than the Hummer, I tell you!
TV: You SON OF A BITCH!
[Trey throws him down into the crowd. He starts bodysurfing. One last shot off all the dejected wrestlers before we fade to black.]
MM: Well fans, BaseBrawl has been postponed due to rain. We understand it's been rescheduled for whenever it isn't raining here. Which will likely be sometime this week. We'll bring you all the taped footage next weekend.
Caption on screen: Mike's promises subject to change.
MM: So, let's go back to the Rio De Janeiro match and see who will book our next pay-per-view.
[The camera stays on him.]
MM: Oh, this is the closing segment. Ah, we can edit that out later? Good. OK then. This is Mike Monroe for Scotty Whatbody and Mark Shill saying good morning!
© 2003 BOB Wrestling. Reigning kings of the anti-climax