[As the show begins, we have still shots from what looks like a really crappy cell phone camera, of MAYhem In MAYday, BOB’s "lost" On-Demand event.]
Death: Hello future corpses, this is Death, the man who stole the show at MAYhem In Mayday. I can't believe the tape is lost forever. Anyhow, let's hit the high points. HA, who am I kidding? This is BOB. There are no high points! Anyway. Here as you can plainly see is Xamfir and Kevin the Pyromaniac going through a burning wheelbarrow. That had to hurt. Since I was feeling a tad sadistic that night, I decided to let them both live. I doubt we'll be seeing Xamfir anytime soon, with all the budget cuts. But I heard he got a great job in a local office in Cloudydale. His eye socket makes a great pencil holder.
Death: Let's see, what's this next batch of photos from. Oh, right, Pete Trable versus Dr. Thrilla. Quite the match. Thrilla Life reemerged and finally got his revenge on the Xfactor. Sadly, Trable wasn't sliced up and embarrassed...well, anymore than usual. Have you heard him rap? I have no idea why these guys even had a match, to be honest. I guess I'm more surprised that somebody wasted cell phone battery usage and pictures on this match.
Death: What else was there...Ah yes, the Babes Behind Bars match. Team Queen Mylisiv (featuring Queen Mylisiv, Kay Fabe, Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" and Katie Vicks) vs. Team Anne O'Rexic (Anne O'Rexic, Michelle, Nikki Mantle and Misty Waters). Quite a brutal affair. Lots of towel related offense in this one. It was nice that all the girls got hosed down before they were allowed inside the cage. Lice are nasty and totally ruin softcore jail pornos. The big shocker was when Misty Waters entered. Instead of attacking her opponents, she started attacking her own teammates, Anne O'Rexic, Michelle and Nikki Mantle. Queen Mylisiv made Michelle submit, thus robbing somebody of getting an XX Division Title shot. Misty then cut a promo, blasting Dubya and telling everyone they can kiss her ass. Scotty ran up to the cage, trying to be first in line. Kay and Scotty then got into a fight about who could kiss her ass first.
Death: Oh yes, in the not at all anticipated match of the night, the Skull & Bones squashed EFOW. *Ahem* Moving on...
Death: It was then time for the eight man grudge match. Team STWF vs. Team BOB. Team BOB, featuring Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who I could beat, Massive Man Rendition First, who I could beat, Kamikazie Ken, who I could beat, and Coma, who I could beat, were absolutely kicking STWF ass. Then, in a shocking moment, the STWF members were unmasked...only to find out it was a swerve. *Sigh* Skeeter, Leary, Dustbuster Boy and Alan Qaida were Team STWF. But then the REAL STWF team ran in the ring and obliterated Team BOB with waffle makers. Team STWF picked up the win, pinning Kamikazie Ken, since he hasn't cut a promo in years.
Death: It was almost time for the March Mayhem Finale. But before that, Axl Van Halen couldn't help but insult a bloody SMP. SMP threatened to shove Axl's faggy guitar and his own Italian loafters up a naughty place, but then remembered Axl would probably like it.
Death: Onto the match. Jim vs. douja vs. Axl Van Halen vs. Mr. Paradox in a four-way elimination match. Jim was eliminated first after Kurt Angel and Rob Van Spam tried to run in. Jim easily fought them off, but then had some Chronic Neck Pain that he couldn't overcome. Mr. Paradox was next to go after a fluke pin involving a bag of marbles Axl had been using to stuff his pants exploded after a low blow, ironically by Mr. Paradox. Tons of drama. Tons of blood. Tons of chronic smoke. Axl and douja traded several near falls, but then SMP made a shocking return to the ring, attacking Axl and trying to suffocate him with an oversized douja-sized condom. douja and SMP teamed up to spike piledrive Axl through a table. The winner of the match as a result of a DQ, and NEW number one contender...Axl Van Halen.
Death: SMP wasn't done. He told everyone that he was sick and tired of the crap going on in BOB. Well, who isn't? He asked Axl how he was going to stop the STWF with a broken neck. SMP also said HE should be the next OWTTM. BWAHAHAHA. Sorry, pal, that's ME. He challenges the winner of Zeno/Pigeon, and says he's the next ONLY WORLD CHAMP THAT MATTERS. Get it? Got it? Please....
Death: Main event time. Another great match between Sir Zeno and Pigeon, this time with the special guest referee of the Undietaker. After a brutal bloody mess, in which Undietaker threatened to kick Zeno's ass on several occasions, Undietaker shocked the crowd by knocking out Pigeon with a chair. The crowd booed as Sir Zeno retained his title, and apparently has bought the contract of the Undietaker. Good thing, I doubt BigBOSS could afford him anymore.
Death: So there was MAYhem In MAYday. Zeno's still your ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Axl Van Halen is the number one contender by winning the Mayhem tournament...even if the final was decided by a frigging DQ. The STWF has dismantled BOB's team and apparently accomplished there goal of getting BOB off the air. So, with that in mind, let's get the show on the road....
[The camera pans across a picture perfect community in Fayetteville Georgia, crossing right up Green Meadow Lane all the way to 129 Green Meadow Lane where we see not one but two familiar faces.]
MMR1: Dude I can’t believe BOB is so cheap they wouldn’t even pay for a bus ticket to Comeback's A Bitch.
Jim: No kidding, I thought for sure we would at least get a cab ride. I mean who the hell do those guys think we are?
MMR1: Yeah, I mean I am a former OWTTM Champion and you, well you were there too.
Jim: Dude you need to watch your step.
MMR1: I know man you won some belts too.
Jim: No man, I mean you really need to watch your…
[Squish. Massive man steps in a massive pile of dog crap.)
MMR1: Oh come on!
Jim: (laughing) Dude that sucks.
MMR1: Shut up, man.
Jim: Alright, buddy. I gotta take a leak, I’m gonna see if there is anyone home over here.
MMR1: Over where?
Jim: Over here where I physically am.
[Massive Man looks at the home's address.]
MMR1: So would you say that "My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayetteville Georgia. 30215''.
Jim: Sure, if I was writing some kind of creepy text message.
[Jim knocks on the front door and it swings open.]
Jim: Hello?…Hello? Anyone home? I just gotta take a pee.
[Massive Man pushes past him into the house.]
MMR1: No one’s home lets just make ourselves at home, you pee I’ll look around and then we’ll go.
Jim: Sounds cool.
[Jim runs upstairs to find a bathroom as Massive Man starts looking around.]
MMR1: (yelling) Man, do you smell that? Smells like someone died in here.
Jim: (yelling) Sorry dude that’s me I kinda felt like dropping a deuce.
MMR1: For crying out loud. (yelling) how about a courtesy flush? Hey! This guy has a portable weight machine. (stops yelling) Weird all the cords are stretched out.
Jim: When these people get home there are gonna have a big surprise when they get home. I would wouldn’t be surprised if they all suffocate.
MMR1: Dude check this out all the cords are screwed up on this machine. This dude probably has a kid who messed around with his shit.
Jim: Boy is that kid gonna be sorry.
MMR1: No kidding, if it were my kid I’d probably wrap my arms around his neck until he stopped moving.
Jim: Hey man I’m getting kinda thirsty, you think these people would mind if I got something to drink?
MMR1: Who cares if they’d mind its not like they’re gonna come home in some kind of blind rage and kill us.
[Jim walks over to a picture on the wall.]
Jim: Dude, check out this signed picture.
MMR1: Wow, Hugh Jackman?!?
Jim: Yeah, he’s great in X-Men. But what’s that in his mouth?
MMR1: Could be a "Got Milk?" ad. Or he has rabies?
Jim: I didn’t think Wolverine could get rabies. Weird.
[Massive Man and Jim move to the kitchen. Jim opens the fridge.]
Jim: Wow! That is a lot of juice.
MMR1: Well these do seem like the people who like to do their juice.
[Jim pours himself a glass and drinks it.]
Jim: I am totally juiced up, I feel so strong and alive.
MMR1: (yelling from the other room) Jim check this out.
MMR1: Dude I know you’re into religion and I respect that about you, but can you tell me for what reason there would be two bibles just lying on the floor in here?
Jim: Well I’m not really sure but we can always think about that while we continue our walk to…where is Comeback's A Bitch again?
MMR1: Dude I thought you knew, I mean I was following you.
Jim: Oh we are so lost.
MMR1: No way man we are fine…the disembodied narrator would never let us get lost.
[Sorry guys, I was following you both, I never thought to see where Comeback's A Bitch was actually gonna be. However I did see that you are both without matches.]
MMR1: What! This is the worst tragedy I have ever heard of, I bet when Nancy Grace hears about this most saddening event she will spend days…nah…weeks talking about it, bring in our family, friends and co-workers to talk about this grave booking error.
[Jim picks up a letter from a table while Massive Man is going on with his self-indulgent rant.]
Jim: Uh, dude check out this letter.
MMR1: What about it?
Jim: The name read the name.
Jim: Sorry let me move my thumb.
MMR1: oit…Benoit…oh my god….
[Massive Man and Jim look up from the letter and look towards each other.]
MMR1 and Jim: CANADIANS!!!
[Like Shaggy and Scooby from a haunted mansion Massive Man and Jim book it out of that house and back to hunting for the elusive match at Comeback's A Bitch...]
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Nurse Heidi are situated behind a make-shift "judge’s table", located in a generic audition room…]
NH: Okay, are you ready?
SMP: Sure. How bad could it be?
NH: You DO remember the 1600 Club auditioning new members, right?
SMP: Oh yeah, all the ex-presidents? Man, that was great stuff!
NH: You really think so? What about that one time when BigBoss was searching for new…. * cough * talent?
SMP Oh man, that was hilarious!
NH: Are you feeling okay? Those was some our lowest moments in company history!
SMP: Nah, that was great stuff. I guess you’re forgetting about Neige… and the original sWo.
NH: Good point….
ATTENTION! All here to audition for the new sWo, the… ummmmm…. "something World’s older" please come in one at a time. ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE!
[A guy walks in dressed as a cigarette lighter. His hair is glowing courtesy of a deluxe "Year Without A Santa Claus ""Heat Miser"" special, limited edition wig.]
SMP: And you are?
Guy: I’m Bic® Flare. WHOOOOO! [He struts across the floor]
[A barrel chested man waddles in with a very hairy back and a Bob Ross afro. He appears to be Italian, although I’m not sure.]
SMP: Okay. Name please…
Guy: WhoKnow Thatguygino.
SMP: Come again…
Guy: WhoKnow Thatguygino.
[Nurse Heidi leans towards the Doc…]
NH: [in an audible whisper] I’m guessing if you say it really fast it’s supposed to sound like Bruno Sammartino.
SMP: Gotcha. I don’t know that guy Gino and I don’t really want to. Thanksforstoppingby…NEXT!
[A Polynesian man with wild hair walks in]
Guy: [In a sorta thick Polynesian accent, which sorta sounds like Spanglish.] I’m Superfly Flemmy Booga.
[The man hocks up a loogie and splatters the nearby wall with it]
NH: THAT’S GROSS!
SMP: It really flew though, didn’t it? Super. NEXT!
[A custodian pushes in a giant cracker and drops a note off on the desk]
SMP: [reading the note] Superstar Teddy Graham. You gotta be kidding me…
[A fat guy with a god awful looking birthmark on his girth runs in, eats the cracker, and starts wiggling his big ass and cocking his elbow]
NH: Let me guess, Dussy Whodes?
Guy: Nah, sugah…I tha American Dweem, RUSSY COMMODES!
SMP: Yep, all American’s dream about taking a dump on a rusty shitter. NEXT!
[Another barrel chested man walks in, this one appears to be Polish. But who knows for sure?]
NH: Your name?
Guy: Ican Butski.
SMP: You can? Cool. Does it feel like you’re getting a 60 mph enema? You know what? Never mind… NEXT!
[A guy walks in to pomp and circumstance, in full regalia…]
NH: This ought to be good…
SMP: Nice crown. You are?
Guy: The KING! Terry Bawler.
SMP Well, that sucks. It’s not even that original.
NH: [reading a 3x5 index card] It says to hit him.
[SMP gets up, walks over to the guy and socks him on the shoulder. Sure enough, the man wells up, his lower lip quivers, and he begins to cry like a baby]
SMP: What a puss!
NH: I know, right… NEXT!
[An All-American type redhead walks in smoking a cigarette like it’s the cure for, ummm, cancer.]
SMP: Slob Blacklung. At least I’ve heard of this guy… NEXT!
[A Scottish guy walk in wearing a kilt and reeking of feces]
NH: Good Lord! He stinks!
SMP: [pinching his nose] Your name?
Guy: I’m… ROWDY…..SODDY… DIAPER!
[He lifts his kilt to reveal an obviously soiled adult diaper]
SMP and NH: NEXT!
Guy: Was that an answer? JUST WHEN YOU THINK…. YOU HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS…..I…..CHANGE…..THE QUESTIONS!
SMP: GET OUT, DUDE!
[A really ugly guy comes in, sporting some tattoos and an even "Rossier" Bob Ross afro.]
Guy: Hello. I’m Gnarly Face.
NH: No kidding…
SMP: Good grief. Hey, do you do that top rope headbutt?
Guy: DUH! How’d you think I got this ugly?
SMP: [shrugs] I dunno, just figured you had, you know…. ugly parents or something.
SMP: What? I liked him…
[A fat, pale skin guy with a rubber band hanging on his cheek lumbers in with a not-so-deluxe, extended edition "Blue Meanie" wig]
NH: You are?
Guy: Captain Blue Albino.
SMP: Kinda contradictory, don’cha think?
NH: I think… NEXT!
[A hooker walks in wearing hot pants and a halter, sporting a 10th degree J-Lo booty, the street equivalent in "big ol round ass" to a 10th degree black belt in karate.]
SMP: HEY NOW! I like this one… your name, honey?
Girl: I’m Cassie’s Readie Assie. I’m a manager.
SMP: Pffft. What do you manage? A stable of Johns? BWWAAAA HAAA HAAAA!
NH: Come on, this is the WORST one. That name is SO fake.
SMP: Huh? That’s the most believable name yet.
NH: She’s African American, Doc. Cassie cannot be her real name…
SMP. Sure it can. What’s your real name, ho….. ney?
Girl: Ummm. Sheniqua.
NH: I TOLD YOU! NEXT!
[No one else enters…]
SMP: That’s it? Well, so much for the old school sWo, huh? Still better than that other one. Say, have you seen Hork Horgan lately?
NH: Oh shut up….
[Axl Van Halen, with Tifa Bon Jovi, rode into a parking lot on a motorcycle.]
TBJ: OH MY GOD!
[Axl ducks, and almost loses control of the motorcycle.]
AVH: What? Is it Death? Kevin the Pyromaniac? That mystery masked man whose been stalking me? What?!
Tifa: No, there's a penny on the ground. (She hops off the motorcycle and snatches is.) It's heads up, too! Good luck for me.
AVH: I'd really appreciate it if you would save screams of horror for IMPORTANT things, okay?
Tifa: Sure, sorry. *Teehee* LOOK OUT!
[Axl dives off the bike. He looks around, then notices his pants are ripped and his leg's got a bit of blood on it.]
AVH: (Annoyed) Ohhh! Tifa! My pants! They're all ripped and bloody and dirty. What was it this time!?
Tifa: Sorry. There was a...spilled coffee there next to the bike. I didn't want you to step in it and ruin your boots.
AVH: (Annoyed) Great. Yeah, my boots are just fine. *Grumble*
[Axl stands up and brushes himself off.]
AVH: I don't need this tonight, Tifa.
Tifa: Axl! Behind you!
Homeless Man: Got any spare change for a veteran?
[Axl begins hitting the homeless man with his Swiss Army Parodyox Guitar Belt. He takes off running.]
Homeless Man: God bless you!
AVH: I'll see you at the Metalocalypse! (He walks back to Tifa.) This night's not going well for us so far. What else is gonna happen...
[Axl and Tifa head into the casino. Once they are inside, a masked figure holding a baseball bat comes into view, staring after Axl and Tifa.]
[We cut to the BOB Ballroom in Sin City, which is filled to capacity. Granted, that capacity is about 200, but still…]
Mike Monroe: Hello everyone, and welcome to Comeback’s A Bitch! I am Mike Monroe, along with Scotty Whatbody.
Scotty Whatbody: Sucks to be with you again, Mike!
MM: The feeling is mutual, Scotty. What a show we’ve got for you all tonight. It will be well worth your $6.95 if you’re buying this streaming video on our Web site, or for $14.99 if you have it on DVD.
SW: Yep, it’s another straight to the budget bins episode. We really need to attract a richer audience. Why don’t we start having rich characters having hundred dollar bill fights or something? That’ll appeal to Bill Gates and his cronies.
MM: Where are we supposed to get piles of money?
SW: It’s really simple. I’ve got a ski mask. All I need you to do is drive…
MM: No thanks, Scotty.
SW: You’re so boring. As if jail would be any worse than this job.
["Smooth Operator" plays, and the Sinister Surgeon walks out to a mix of boos and cheers.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
[Once in the ring, SMP grabs the microphone from Heidi and paces around the ring, waiting until his music is off to speak.]
SMP: You degenerate gamblers are looking at the man who should be the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. And let’s get this right out of the way. You are the reason why people like us do steroids.
MM: Oh no, cut his microphone.
SMP: And speaking of Sir Steroids, the only reason that guy is the champion is because I was so distracted by that no-talent over-the-hill has-been douja, that I lost focus. I’ll be doing him a favor anyway. The sooner he loses that title, the far less it will depress him and make him do something really nasty to that blue-skinned freak he calls his girlfriend. So if you won’t put that title on the line against me, Zero, than please allow me to write you a different kind of prescription: for some testicles.
MM: Fans, BOB does not condone the views of SMP, and ESPECIALLY BigBOSS. Also, nobody can afford steroids in BOB. Thank you.
SW: Wow, the fans are really pissed at SMP after those words. And if you would like to complain, BOB’s physical address is…
MM: Scotty! What is wrong with you!
["X Gonna Give It To Ya" by DMX plays. "Xfactor" Pete Trable jumps out and starts bouncing around and raising the roof, trying to get any kind of positive reaction from the crowd. But energy doesn't equal over, and he is booed relentlessly.]
SW: Pete Trable? Oh come on. We’re not that desperate for main event contenders, are we?
SW: This guy was a frigging prop for half of his career. Remember, "D-Van, get the Trable"?
MM: I know. I know.
PT: Yo. Hey everyone, it’s Dr. Silaconne M. Poontang!
SMP: Not funny. Not even close. You used to be funnier when you rapped.
SMP: Yeah. Why don’t you rap.
PT: Aight. Yo, I’m out here to speak the truth about why I should be champ!
SMP: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. See. Now THAT’s funny!
PT: What you talkin’ ‘bout, Doc?
SMP: Forget rapping, just say that you deserve to be champion once a show. That’s the funniest damn thing I’ve heard in months.
PT: Yo homey, it ain’t the roids that made Zeno the champ
I think it was when he gave Michelle his mushroom stamp
Comeback’s A Bitch, and so is she
Ain’t nothin’ worse than a VD from Dimension Z
But this ain’t about Zeno, this is all about me
And how I’ll knock him out for the one, two, three
I got a killer move and it’s called the CD
So get outta my way you old fart, SMP
["How High" by Method Man plays.]
SW: Now what?
[douja stumbles out in a cloud of smoke to a "legend" pop and wanders toward the ring. He starts talking for a few seconds before SMP offers him a microphone so everyone can hear what he's saying.]
douja: yo da 2 of ya mothafuckas can kiss my stoned black ass. i am da man who will beat dat cracka ass cracka, sir zeno.
[SMP grabs the mic back.]
SMP: Oh, c'mon! I crap better promos than that.
["Young, Dumb and Rich, Bitch" hits. The crowd boos Axl loudly.]
AVH: In case you people forgot, you are looking at the March Mayhem 2007 winner, presented by Parodyox. And in case you people forgot, that means that I just happen to be the number one contender. Seriously, I’m not trying to sound like a prick, it’s just been three months since the last show, and that’s a lot of drinks ago for everybody involved. Now, you three idiots can get out of the ring and walk up that aisle…slowly, if possible. Or you can bow down on your knees to my greatness. I have come here tonight, to declare that I am the greatest Swiss Army Belt champion ever. The warm, hard fact is that nobody on the roster deserves a title match more than me. And none of you look nearly as good in leather as I do, and there’s NO denying that one.
["Narayan" by Progidy then started playing. Sir Zeno stepped out to a giant pop despite him being the biggest heel in BOB (this IS Sin City after all) and he is accompanied down the aisle by Mr. Paradox, Queen Mylisiv, Dr. Thrilla, and Zeno’s latest acquisition, the Undietaker.]
SZ: You all are talking about facts and what you deserve. What you all deserve is to have your heads split open with Mr. Paradox’s sword and be left in the desert for the coyotes. None of you have a polar ice cap's chance in the Arctic of taking this title from me. None of you deserve a title shot. Nobody in this third-rate promotion does.
["Bow Down" by Westside Connection plays.]
Mr. Leary: Hello, Sin City. I have a very important message to deliver to everyone out here. Since the bus Dubya was riding in blew up…all they had to do was keep the speed above fifty…such a shame…Anyway. BOB needs a new figurehead, so that figurehead is me! And my second-in-command is Skeeter. Brilliant! And my third-in-command is Dustbuster Boy. Now, as for you people. Tonight, we are going to find out who gets the next shot at Sir Zeno’s championship. You four will compete in "The Faster And More Furious, The Better" matches. What that means is, you’ll all be in matches, and whoever can dispose of his opponent the fastest by the end of the night, will be deemed the next challenger for Sir Zeno’s championship. By the end of tonight, we will have a number one contender, as well as a contract signing. Oh, and Axl. You’re match begins………….NOW.
["Firestarter" by Prodigy plays.]
Nurse Heidi: This opening contest is a "The Faster And More Furious, The Better" Match. Introducing first, already in the ring, Axl Van Halen.
SW: Woo! Axl got the jobber intro! He’s going down. Not that that’s any different from every other night of his life.
NH: And his opponent, Kevin the Pyromaniac!
MM: And this one is already underway as Axl catches him with a flying kick. Quick cover, but Kevin kicks out. Rollup by Axl, but Kevin once again kicks out at two. Axl charges, but Kevin sidesteps him and falls to the floor. And here comes the lighter fluid.
MM: Flaming plancha to the floor.
SW: With all the hair spray, Kevin could do some serious damage to Axl.
MM: And the Flunky thankfully sprays both of them with a fire extinguisher.
SW: I’m sure that won’t be the last time Axl gets sprayed in the face tonight. Oh!
MM: Back inside, Kevin goes for a cover, but Axl kicks out. Kevin charges, but Axl with a clothesline.
SW: Oh no, it's the dreaded Axl Van Halen spooning submission. Oh man, he's got Kevin all wrapped up.
KTP: Get this QUEER away from me! ARRRRGH!
MM: And Kevin doesn't like it one bit. Oh my. He's dousing himself with more lighter fluid.
SW: Hell, I'd be dousing myself too if I was getting spooned by that flamer.
MM: Which flamer?
SW: Oh, right. I meant Axl...I think. This is uncomfortable to watch.
MM: Not only that, but Axl needs to get the best match time in order to move in.
SW: Yeah, right now he's only getting a major hard on. Speaking of which, Mike, you're not calling it.
MM: I will not call that.
SW: Call the dry humping! It's your job!
MM: It most certainly is not! Kevin's got a lighter. But...
SW: EWWWWW! You HAVE to call that.
MM: *Sigh* Axl just sucked the lighter out of his hands, and is now sucking on Kevin's finger.
SW: And I know where that finger has been. No wonder why Axl's sucking so hard on it. It smells like ass.
MM: This is the most disturbing match in BOB history.
SW: So far.
AVH: Hey, Ref, how long has the match been going on for?
GR: All I know, kid, is that you've had that hold on WAAAAY too long. One! Two! Three! Four!
MM: Oh, and Axl is forced to break the hold.
KtP: I need a shower. And shock therapy.
MM: Oh no! Kevin is locked in a headscissor variation. Oh dear. Now Axl is driving the back of Kevin's head repeatedly into the mat.
SW: This is the closest thing to oral rape I've ever seen. I seriously hope Axl's pants don't rip or we've got a serious lawsuit here. Oh shit, why is Axl doing the "O" face?
MM: Can somebody please stop this match already? Kevin's had enough!
SW: So have I. This is some seriously fucked up shit here.
MM: Axl with a pin, but Kevin shoves Axl away. He doesn't want to get pinned by Axl. Hold on a moment. Look at this. Somebody is on his way down the aisle. Who is that, Scotty?
SW: He better not be in bondage gear, or I'm going to come down with a sudden case of blind patriotism, join the Army, hop on a plane and go to Iraq.
MM: That's the masked man that has been following around Axl for a while now.
SW: He has a gay stalker? Why am I not surprised.
MM: Kevin's got his green hair lit. Oh, what a chinbreaker on Axl. Kevin quickly heads up top and sets his, rear end on fire?
MM: Oh, it misses. Kevin charges, but Axl catches him and connects with a powerbomb.
MM: But Kevin with a fart sends a fireball right towards Axl's face!
SW: How much did you miss BOB, Mike?
MM: The real question is how much did our FANS miss BOB.
SW: Do I even have to dignify that with an answer.
MM: I think Axl evaded most of that flaming fart...I can't believe I just said that. New lows every show...Kevin slams Axl and heads up top. It may be time for the burning elbow. Boy, he's sure putting on a lot of lighter fluid.
SW: Burn, motherfucker, burn.
MM: Van Halen's up. Hurricanrana from the top. One. Two. Thre-no. Kevin just barely escaped that one. And Axl just got distracted by the man in black. He's got a baseball bat.
SW: Bash his head in! Be my hero!
MM: Axl's telling the masked man to bring it on. Hold on, Kevin from behind with a crucifix. One. Two. Three?
SW: YES! BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh YEAH BABY! Kevin just scored the upset of his LIFE!
NH: Here is the winner, with a time of...
NH: Hmmm....7:06? Kevin the Pyromaniac!
MM: But this isn't over yet.
[The masked man has just entered the ring with the bat. He raises it high into the air.
SW: (Singing) Don't stop, believin'. Hold on to that FEEYEEYLING....
MM: Why are you singing that song?
SW: Don't stop!
[A black screen. After several seconds of a silence and darkness....]
MM: The lights have just gone off. No, this is not the end of "The Sopranos," Scotty.
SW: Well, I hope Axl got shot and killed.
MM: I haven't heard any gun shots.
MM: But I did just hear a thud.
SW: Really? The *THUD* wasn't hint enough? I'll take him being in a coma. C'mon! This "Sopranos" joke is so OLD by now anyway.
[Cut backstage, where Michelle, Steve Leary, John "Skeeter" Skeet and Dustbuster Boy are playing cards at a table.]
SL: Well, it wasn't when I originally wrote it!
[Back to the ring, where the lights are now back on. HUGE pop. Sir Zeno is in the middle of the ring, and both Axl Van Halen and the masked man are laying flat on the mat.]
MM: It's Sir Zeno. And look at the bat, it's been broken in half.
SW: Now that's a champion I can be proud of.
MM: Will anyone be able to beat Kevin's time of 7:06?
[Backstage, Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" and Misty Waters are "stretching" in preparation for their next match.]
SW: Woohoo! Gratuitous ass shots!
[The girls stand up and then head toward the camera.]
SW: Woohoo! Gratuitous tit shots!
MM: Well fans, up next, it's going to be a three-way tag team XX Division Match. Let's see how this one came together.
SW: Three way? Come together? Woohoo!
[A black screen.]
Caption: A few days ago.
[Fade in on Michelle, Steve Leary, John "Skeeter" Skeet and Dustbuster Boy playing cards at a table.]
Michelle: How about a three-way match between the chicks?
SL: Sounds like a winner to me, SHEBoss.
Michelle: No, that's SheBOSS. Pay attention, Leary, or you'll never accomplish anything in this sport other than getting me coffee. I knew I should have hired some professional writers.
SL: You tried, remember? They wanted a regular paycheck.
Michelle: I know. Primadonnas.
SL: Hey, you know what would be really funny. If instead of doing intros for that match, if we did a flashback to right now.
SL: That'd be trippy.
Michelle: YOU'RE FIRED!
Michelle: Just kidding.
Michelle: Works for me. Less music licenses I need for the show. Brilliant!
SL: Michelle, Skeeter fell asleep again.
[Meanwhile, also a few days ago....somewhere in a car, Kamikazie Ken, Coma, Hallucination Boy and Alan Qaida were driving down a highway in the middle of Nevada...which sometimes can be confused with nowhere. Hallucination Boy was driving.]
Coma: Warp speed. Nee--
[Hallucination Boy vanished. Ken and Qaida looked at each other.]
KK: Oh, that can't be--
[Kamikazie Ken vanished. Alan Qaida was now all alone in the back of the car, nobody at the wheel.]
AQ: Holy shiite!
[Meanwhile, still a few days ago, at the card table...]
DB: Skeeter, wake up!
JS: Huuh? Whuh?
[Meanwhile, still a few days ago, out in the Nevada desert, Coma, Hallucination Boy and Kamikazie Ken were gathered around the destroyed car.]
KK: Way to go Hallucination Boy.
Coma: I am the lizard king, ride the rutabaga! Neep!
[A few hours later, a few days ago...]
FOX Announcer: Terror in the desert! A Muslim extremist wrestler conducts terror in a roid rage crash-suicide, killing a 7-year-old Toyota, and himself! Apparently, he left a copy of the Qu'ran next to the mangled body of the car, and police are calling the scene bizarre. Because a man dressed up like a superhero, a guy wearing a tutu, and a man who repeatedly yells "TRAIN!" and dives as if in a state of schizophrenia were all found alive, wandering near the incident. In a strange coincidence, the car was registered to one Ken Kamikazie of Banzai Falls, Georgia.
KK: Yeah...uh...he must have stolen my car. It's weird. Last thing I remember, Hallucination Boy was driving...then it all went black. I don't know if God saved us, or whatever...it's a miracle I tell you. A miracle.
[Back to the ring, where the stars of BOB's T&A XX-Division were all in the ring, waiting to be introduced.]
Nurse Heidi: The following XX-Division Match is for the XX Division Title. Whoever gets the pinfall in this match will become the NEW XX Division Champion.
[Queen Mylisiv grabs Heidi by the throat.]
NH: But of course that won't happen, because Queen Mylisiv will retain!
[Mylisiv shoves Heidi back a few steps and smiles, getting a small round of applause from the crowd.]
NH: *Ahem* Introducing first. The reigning, and defending, BOB XX Division Champion, Queen Mylisiv. And her tag team partner, Kay Fabe! Their opponents. Anne O'Rexic and Niiki Mantle. And team number three. Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" and Misty Waters.
SW: Time for the low-cut, low-riding action of the XX Division. My favorite matches.
MM: You enjoy the wrestling that much?
SW: They wrestle?
MM: And this one is underway, with everybody zeroing in on Queen Mylisiv and Kay Fabe. Anne O'Rexic from the top rope. Oh, what a clothesline on Queen Mylisiv.
QM: Crap. Did I just get bit by a bug?
MM: Oh, but she didn't even feel it.
SW: What do you expect? She only weighs about three pounds when she's gotta take a shit.
MM: Kay Fabe is taking care of everybody with big bitchslaps. Oh, Kay just got taken down by Nikki Mantle.
SW: I heard Nikki's a switch hitter.
MM: Oh yeah? She bats from both the left and right side of the plate?
SW: Yeah, right, I'm talking about her softball career. How many years have you known me now? Let me make it obvious, she likes third base just as much as she likes getting balls thrown at her.
MM: Well, of course, she's one of the greatest high school third-base softball players of all-time.
SW: Uh-huh. OK. Try this one. She enjoys getting a little "chin music" just as much as being in the batter's box.
MM: Oh yeah, she had a tremendous on-base percentage. A record for her school. Very patient at the plate, and rarely got flustered.
SW: *Sigh* How can I put this in a way you can understand it. She likes having penis in her mouth just as much as she enjoys poontang on her face.
MM: Please, Scotty. No need to vulgar. Misty Waters dives from the top rope onto Kay Fabe. Misty is one angry young woman.
SW: You would be too if you were her. Her best softcore porno years are behind her. I mean, how many times are you gonna pay to see a chick get naked before you find a hotter, younger chick to pay for to see get naked?
MM: O'Rexic and Misty now going at it, with Misty easily taking charge of this one. Misty off the ropes, but O'Rexic ducks out of the way and Misty crashes and burns. Oh, but Eliza with a spinning kick takes Anne down. And here comes Nikki Mantle. She's got Eliza all wrapped up for her finisher, The Pitch. But Misty to the recuse, pulls Eliza free. Mylisiv is back in and runs over Eliza with a wicked clothesline.
Half fans: Anne O'Rexic
Other half of fans: SUCKS!
Half fans: Nikkie Mantle!
Other half of fans: SUCKS!
Half fans: Jobber Slayer!
Other half of fans: SUCKS!
Half fans: Misty Waters!
Other half of fans: SUCKS!
Half fans: Kay Fabe!
Other half of fans: SUCKS!
Half fans: Queen Mylisiv!
Other half of fans: DOESN'T!
[Big applause as the marks mark out for themselves.]
SW: Christ, these guys are worse than TNA's retarded fanbase.
MM: Mylisiv and Kay Fabe with a double Kay's Bottom on Mantle. What a move. Kay with a cover on Mantle, but somehow Mantle kicks out. Mylisiv heading to the top rope and dives. But Anne O'Rexic is out of the way in time. She's quickly up top. It looks like she's trying to take her down with a hurricanrana, but she doesn't have enough weight to move her an inch.
SW: At least she can never be accused of being on steroids. Take that, Congress.
MM: Eliza and Misty team up with a nice high-low move on Mylisiv. Cover, but Mylisiv kicks out at two. This is absolute chaos out here.
SW: I love it. All the girls are beating the crap out of each other. Nothing makes me hotter than seeing sexy sluts abuse themselves for my entertainment. And I don't even have to pay them for it.
MM: Like usual?
MM: This is actually starting to look like a tag match now.
MM: Mylisiv is in some trouble here, as Mantle and O'Rexic are doing a number on her.
SW: Here comes the Spank Attack. I love this move.
MM: Mantle's got Mylisiv in the bear hug. O'Rexic bounces off the ropes and...
MM: Lands a slap to Mylisiv's blue behind.
SW: That's got to be it. How can Mylisiv recover from such a nasty spanking?
MM: She kicked out. But Anne O'Rexic almost finally achieved her girlhood dream of becoming the BOB XX Division Champion.
SW: How could she dream of being XX Division when she was a girl? The belt didn't even exist before this year. Crap, BOB didn't even exist when she was a girl!
SW: (Annoyed) Yes, Kay?
KF: It was her GIRLHOOD DREAM!
SW: You kicked my ass on the last show. You think I'm scared of you?
[Kay hops off the ring.]
SW: Hide me, Mikey!
MM: Would you take your seat and do your job?
SW: Kay started it.
MM: O'Rexic's up top and connects with a splash from the top rope.
SW: Oh, please, it'd probably hurt Queen Mylisiv more if they dropped a bag full of leaves on her. She ain't got nothing. I heard Mylisiv got ready for this match by wrestling with a pillow.
MM: Now Eliza and Misty are taking turns beating on Mylisiv. Mylisiv with a chop to Eliza.
MM: Another chop.
MM: But Eliza puts a stop to Mylisiv's comeback attempt with a hard punch to the jaw.
SW: No sell alert.
MM: Mylisiv is back up and takes down Eliza with a full nelson atomic drop.
SW: Hmm...don't think I've seen that one before. Hope I never see it again. Thanks for coming.
MM: Mylisiv is crawling toward her corner. But I think she can't remember who her partner is.
SW: What's Kay doing with that rope? Hey, she can't do that.
MM: She just tossed the rope to Mylisiv. And Kay's pulling Mylisiv toward the corner. Will they be able to make the tag.....yes.
SW: Is that legal?
GR: I'll allow it.
MM: Kay Fabe is in and is throwing punches at anything that moves in the ring.
SW: Good thing Generic Ref got his degree in statutory.
MM: I don't want to know what you're hinting at there, Scotty.
SW: Being a statue. Mind in the gutter much?
MM: Kay throws Misty through the ropes to the floor. Eliza with a slam on Kay Fabe and a pin attempt. Mantle breaks up the cover. Mylisiv takes down O'Rexic and Kay Fabe's heading up top.
SW: Muff dive!
MM: What a headbutt to the crotch. And Kay isn't done yet. Why is her head still in Anne's crotch?
SW: This ALMOST makes up for that last match.
MM: And now Kay and Mylisiv are being swarmed by all three other women. They've got Eliza set up on Mylisiv's shoulders. Dumbday Device connects from the top. Cover, but Eliza somehow kicked out.
SW: She's got a lot of energy. And a lot of tattoos. I'm sure she had a tattoo of a heart with the letters SW in the middle.
MM: Keep dreaming, Scotty Whatbody. If your letters are in any tattoo on her body, I'm sure it's on a much smellier body part. Look out for Misty. Springboard dropkick takes down Mylisiv and Kay Fabe.
SW: I wish it had taken down her top. What a rack! Woohoo!
MM: Oh no, it looks like Anne is trying to hit the Regurgitator.
SW: Heidi remembers this one. And so do I.
MM: But Misty drops her. Here comes a tombstone piledriver.
SW: Holy crap, did you see what these girls are doing to each other? Ripping, scratching, clawing? I love it.
MM: Eliza's got O'Rexic set up on the top rope.
MM: Frankenscreamer. And now it's the Misty Mountain Stomp. This has got to be it. One. Two. No. But Nikki pulls off Misty. That should have been it, Scotty.
SW: Where's the nudity? This is direct to DVD. We should be more risqué now.
MM: Mantle with a windup and oh, she just cracked Eliza in the jaw with that underhanded punch. She's got Waters hooked. It's The Pitch.
SW: Holy crap, what the hell was that? Misty just got all wrapped up like it was some sort of really tight powerbomb, and then thrown into the turnbuckles.
MM: I have never seen such a vicious finisher in my life. O'Rexic's got the cover on Waters. One. Two, but Eliza just started making out with Generic Ref to stop the count.
SW: Is she making out with him or trying to rip his lips off with her teeth? Damn, she's hot!
MM: Whatever she's trying to do, she's succeeded at stopping his three count.
SW: Sadly, she could have just wiggled her keys in front of his face, then she wouldn't be forced to taste a combo three-day old whiskey and whore.
MM: How do you know what Generic Ref tastes like?
SW: Look! My keys!
MM: That doesn't work on me, Scotty. All the girls are out fighting on the floor in front of us. What is Nikki doing? Oh no.
SW: I told you she wanted me. Right here baby!
MM: Nikki just dove over the top rope and took out everybody with that plancha.
SW: Now Mylisiv is going up top.
MM: And Mylisiv takes down everybody with a flying splash onto everyone on the floor.
SW: Everywhere I go, women are falling at my feet, Mike.
MM: Look out, Eliza's heading up top now. But Kay Fabe's got her.
SW: Oh, these two have some history, involving a certain former cruiserweight whom shall not be named. Kay trying for a powerbomb...or maybe she's just sniffing Eliza's crotch...who knows?
MM: Eliza counters with a Frankenscreamer. But look out from behind. Mylisiv hits the Royal Outchie on Eliza. One. Two. Three. Wow, what a match, hey Scotty?
SW: In honor of my good buddy Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy, I give that match three and a half boobs.
[Fade to black.
[Clips of XXXtreme Machine getting JJ DROPPED from SMC 43 are shown.]
XXXtreme Machine: it fellt lik sh!t wen i gat jj dropt. I had no idee who b@d the injaree wuz.
[Clip of XXXtreme Machine with blood pouring out of his mouth as he walks up the aisle.]
XM: mi tung wuz tourn n haff!!! They sed id nvr tok agan!!!
[Clips of some really bloody surgery, with blood spurting all over the doctors. Clip of a doctor wildly swinging a hammer in front of XXXtreme's face. Then cut to XXXtreme Machine in all his retarded glory.]
XM: tay hda teh cheepist doktrz tat i coOd afoord pot mi tung bak n plase!!! N wen i cum bak, i dont wan 2 jus cu, bak n resle!! i cunt red teh fu5ure, butt bbo onle worl camp tat materz sonz god 2 me fukerz!!!!
Caption: Triple X Treme Iz Cumin Bak!!!!!
[Somewhere in the Riviera Hotel, BigBOSS is walking with Snapmare Kid.]
BigB: Hey, Michelle. Snapmare, let me introduce you to my daughter, Michelle.
[Michelle walks onscreen, a puzzled look on her face.]
Michelle: Yeah, we've met before. Everybody knows Snapmare Kid, DadBOSS.
BigB: But wait, no you haven't. SMK is a changed man. He's found....God.
Michelle: Oh yeah?
SMK: That's right, Michelle. Now, the Snapmare Kid can also be called...The Christian Kid. No longer will I honk the one eyed-trouser trout all over the desk in your office, Michelle, just to get a spot on the card.
Michelle: Hey! There's a camera right there!
SMK Never again, on a dare, will I snapmare a cat and accidentally break it's neck.
BigB: You killed that kitty cat?
SMK: Never again will I jerk off under a glass table while watching a hooker take a shit on that table.
BigB + Michelle: Ewww.
SMK: Never again will I get caught in a hotel room with a 14-year-old ring rat, Mikey Styles and a bowl of fruit.
Michelle: Oh my god.
SMK: And never again, will I invite three hot girls to my motel room, tell them all to get naked and get on their knees, then whip out SMK Jr. and pee down their throats.
BigB: Alright, SMK. We get the point.
Michelle: Wrestling is such a scuzzy business. Why do I work here again?
BigB: You can thank *BLEEP* for that one.
Michelle: I'm gonna bleep that name out later.
BigB: Fair enough.
SMK: I have found my own personal lord and savior. And he is--
[Michelle screams and runs away with BigBOSS as four people attack Snapmare Kid, kicking and stomping and punching him. They are all dressed in black and have the letters STWF on their shirts.]
Masked Man: Where's your savior now?
[Back to ringside, and a shocked Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody.]
SW: Oh man, I thought with the budget cuts, and Dubya leaving, that the STWF was done.
MM: Well, we found out at MAYhem In MAYday that one of their goals was accomplished when they got Brawlers On a Budget off television. But apparently they won't to destroy BOB altogether.
SW: Yeah...but wait. Why did they attack SMK then? That's not like the STWF of late. They were attacking REAL stars, not jobbers like Snapmare.
MM: That's true. I don't know what it means, Scotty. Well...moving on. Axl Van Halen is set to defend his Swiss Army Belt against Scotty. Let's take a look at how Axl won that title and a special video look at Axl.
SW: A special look video? YES! Axl must be about to lose the belt. They only show these videos if he's about to drop the belt!
Caption: Living In Sin, Vol. 1.
MM: He sure did. And now, of all times, he makes a shocking return. Xamfir blasts Mr. Paradox with his stuffed parrot! Axl rolls him up. One. Two. Three.
SW: Shit! Axl won? And he won with a rollup? Double shit!
DA: Your here is winner and Swiss NEW champion Army, Van Axl Halen!
[End flashback. In a hallway, Axl Van Halen was talking to himself as he walked, only to bump into Styles.]
AVH: (Slurring his words badly) Styles? Is that you man? I'm so drunk right now I can't even tell man.
Styles: Um, yes, Axl. It's me.
AVH: (Slurring his words badly) How's it going man. I love you man!
Styles: You're drunk?
AVH: You'd be drunk too if you lost to Kevin the Pyromaniac man, got whacked over the head with a bat man and still had to face Death in just a few seconds, man.
Styles: I've got to tell you, Axl, I'm a bit concerned about you putting the Swiss Army Belt on the line against Death.
AVH: You think it was my damn idea man?
Styles: Well, I did hear you telling Leary that you wanted action tonight.
AVH: Not THIS kind of action, man. He gives BOB a bad name man.
[Axl takes a slug from a bottle of what appears to be wine, and then throws the bottle against the wall with a thud.]
AVH: Death, I knew right from the beginning that you'd end up winning man. So I'm going ouuuuuuuut in a blaaaaaaze of glory...man!
[Axl grabs Styles and locks on a Lip Lock. Styles tries to wiggle free and starts hitting Axl on the head with his microphone, trying to break the kiss. Eventually, Axl tosses Styles aside. Back to the ring we go.
["Zero Tolerance" by Death (the band, not the wrestler) is blaring.]
NH: The following is for the Swiss Army Belt. Introducing first, coming to the ring. He hails from the Netherworld. This is Death!
[Death walks down the aisle with his trusty scythe and then steps over the top rope and soaks in the overwhelming apathy of the Sin City crowd.]
SW: I had no idea that Axl and Styles were an item.
MM: Trust me, Scotty, they're not.
SW: They sure looked friendly backstage. Are they boyfriend and boyfriend or what?
MM: Just trust me, Scotty. They're not.
SW: He's not still seeing Heidi, is he?
MM: He never saw Heidi.
SW: I remember he used to talk about those ripe melons of Heidi's. And he is right. Look at those beauties. Show us them tits, baby!
MM: Oh, he may have been talking about Heidi's melons...never mind.
SW: What am I missing?
["Young, Dumb and Rich, Bitch" by GwarTellica played next. Axl Van Halen stumbled his way down the aisle and into the ring.]
SW: Well, this should be a squash for Death.
MM: Why, because Axl's drunk.
SW: He's drunk?
MM: Anyway...this one is about ready to get underway. Axl going for a waist lock, but Death shoves him away with ease.
Fans: Make a corpse, Death, make a corpse *clap clap*. Make a corpse, Death, make a corpse *clap clap*.
MM: Axl charges with a kick, but Death grabs him and tossed him to the mat.
SW: He's got quite a determined look on his skull tonight. He wants the Swiss Army Belt.
MM: Death with a knee lift, and once again sends Axl down to the mat. Big elbow drop by Death misses. Axl with a dropkick, and Death falls to the floor. And lookout, as Axl goes flying over the top and crash lands on the floor. Death's got Axl and rams his face into the steel post. What are you doing, Scotty?
SW: Sudoku. It's far more entertaining than this match.
MM: And both BOBsters are back in the ring. Death has Axl cornered for some elbows. Axl gets free and hits a sprinboard dropkick, but Death doesn't even flinch. Side slam connects. And now it's time for the Netherworld Powerbomb. And here comes the Touch of Death.
SW: This is why you've got to love Death. Even though Axl's the number one contender, Death is squashing him like a bug. What a dick! Death rules!
MM: Touch of Death connects. And there's the cover. One. Two. Three.
NH: Here is your winner, and NEW Swiss Army Belt champion, DEATH!
MM: But hold on, we're not done yet. It's the masked man again. But this time he's got an aluminum baseball bat.
SW: Dumbass. If Zeno gets hold of that bat, then he'll just be able to bash the hell out of him until his arms get tired.
MM: Death is staring at the masked man. The masked man seems to be telling Death that he wants to get some batting practice in on Axl Van Halen's corpse.
[Death steps aside and gestures for the masked man to go ahead. The man stands over Axl, staring down at him and raises the bat. Suddenly, the masked man spins around and swings at Death, and the bat rebounds right into the masked man's face, knocking him out. Death shakes his head in annoyance.]
SW: What the hell was he thinking? Death sell a bat shot? Please. As if he would ever be that lame...
MM: Axl Van Halen just kipped up. He's got the Swiss Army Parodyox Guitar Belt...um...thing. He spins Death around.
SW: What the FUCK! A BASEBALL BAT won't topple him, but Death goes down from a weaker than Jeff Jarrett weak ass plastic guitar shot?
MM: Axl Van Halen has laid out the new champion. And this crowd doesn't like it.
SW: Well, at least that faggy belt is shattered into tiny pieces.
["Narayan" by Prodigy hit. The crowd erupted, hoping to see Zeno obliterate Axl Van Halen.]
MM: The ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS is HERE. Oh, I wouldn't want to be Axl right now.
SW: I wouldn't want to be him EVER. Zeno's hit the ring. The Masked Man is getting in Zeno's face Jerry Springer style. Oh, not a smart move.
MM: Zeno grabs his mask and is tearing it right off his head. Who is that?
[The lights go out. Again.]
SW: Ohhh! Now what?
["Back In Black" by AC/DC begins playing.]
SW: Oh, crap. Chris Candido is back from the grave, and he's working for BOB!
MM: I don't think so, Scotty.
SW: Do I care what you think, Mike? Sheesh. Why don't you tell me what it is, genius?
[A record scratching noise stopped "Back In Black" and suddenly a song known as "Returning To Off-White" started playing. Yeah, I have no idea what it is either. Then the lights returned, and the ring was filled with...the STWF!]
SW: What the fuck?
MM: The STWF is back. Who have they come to injure?
[The men in black all point at the letters on their shirts. Then, suddenly, they begin ripping off the shirts to reveal three different letters. Well, two different letters, if you want to be picky. Those three letters: XCW. All of the men also rip off their masks to reveal a group of nondescript jobbers]
SW: The XCW is the STWF? And who is that idiot with the bat. He looks vaguely familiar.
MM: We're being invaded by another indy-efed?
SW: Yeah, but it's an even crappier efed than the STWF was.
MM: We've been duped. We thought the STWF was trying to end BOB. But it wasn't the STWF at all. It was Axl Van Halen and the XCW!
SW: Mike? You're so mad. I haven't seen you use an exclamation point in years.
MM: I'm darn pissed, Scotty. He's betrayed BOB.
SW: Aww, boohoo. Like BOB and BigBOSS haven't betrayed you on a weekly basis for seven years.
MM: Eight, but WHO'S COUNTING!
SW: You, apparently.
Formerly Masked Man: That's right, Zeno. Take one step forward and my boys will rip you a new poop chute. And since all you people know who I am, I won't bother to introduce myself.
Fans: Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you?
Formerly Masked Man: You seriously don't know who I am? Don't you pieces of shit out here in Sin City know anything? I am Tim Russo! The owner of XCW, the smallest, baddest, edgiest, controversialist, most swervingest hardcore company in Nowhere, Oklahoma, babee!
SW: Oh great, another Russo in the wrestling business. As if ONE Russo fucking up a professional wrestling company wasn't enough. Not that we're professional.
AVH: That's right, Timmy-Ru. When I decided I was going to re-enter the world of parody sports entertainment... it wouldn't be with BOB. These guys are younger, hipper, groovier, and waaay cooler. The XCW has got guys like Mr. USA! And the Door Salesmen! And...some guy...who likes to cut himself and hang around in graveyards! Yeah, this group is waaay better... aw, who'm I kiddin'. XCW is worse than if not... well, yeah, worse than BOB.
TR: And Axl. Because you are so loyal to me and only me, Axl, on behalf of the XCW roster, I'd like to award you the XCW World Heavyweight Title. And I know a lot of you people on the Internet will say that it's because Axl is just about the only guy with any kind of wrestling ability on the roster. And trust me. Saying much? That isn't!
[Zeno checks his imaginary watch.]
[Zeno leaves the ring and starts heading up the aisle, keeping an eye on the XCW's leaders, Axl Van Halen and Tim Russo.]
MM: War has been declared on BOB.
SW: Please. This is like a flea declaring war on a dog. It's like a fly declaring war on a horse's ass. It's like a crab declaring war on Nurse Heidi's cooter. This is nothing.
MM: Was Axl behind the injuries of Steve Studnuts, Seth Harker and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"? Is the XCW the reason BOB was kicked off television? If so, Scotty, than Axl and his group might prove to see you working in a sweat shop.
SW: Yeah, but at least there'll be plenty of young Spanish chicks to hook up with.
[Backstage Dr. Silaconne M. Plants was speaking with a young lady.]
SMP: That's right...A Girl's Breast Friend. Come in for a free consultation. I've got to go kick somebody's ass quicker than a botched augmentation.
Woman: What's an augmentation?
SMP: ... Gotta love blondes. See you, honey.
[Back to the ring.]
MM: Hmm. So...I guess...
SW: Yep. Right.
[The Flunky runs out and hands them some papers.]
SW: It's about time. We were dying out here without these.
MM: Up next, it's a clash of the surgeons. Dr. Thrilla takes on Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, as both men try to do better than Kevin the Pyromaniac's time in the "The Faster and More Furious, The Better" challenge to determine the next challenger for Sir Zeno's title.
SW: How about Death winning the Swiss Army Belt? He's gotta be pissed about having that overshadowed by the friggin' XCW.
["Smooth Operator" by Sade plays. The Sinister Surgeon, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants walked down to the ring, soaking up the jeers of the crowd.]
NH: The following is a "The Faster And More Furious, The Better" match. Introducing first, from Naples, Italy, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. And his opponent...
["Under the Knife" by AC/DC plays.]
NH: From Tijuana, Mexico, this is Dr. Thrilla.
MM: And this one is ready to begin. Oh, SMP lands a nasty sidekick to Thrilla's face that knocks him down. One. Two. But Thrilla kicks out. SMP almost made short work of Thrilla as the winner of this one will set the pace.
SW: Wouldn't it be interesting to see Dr. Thrilla facing Sir Zeno for the title?
MM: It sure could be. But Thrilla must get past SMP. SMP's got a headlock on, but Thrilla simply bites SMP's arm with those bear trap teeth to break the hold.
SW: Hey, wanna hear my impersonation of Dr. Thrilla?
MM: Not really.
*SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP*
MM: Hey, stop shooting staples at me. That's not funny.
SW: Until I put somebody's eye out. Then it'll be hilarious.
MM: Dr. Thrilla pounding away on SMP now, but the Sinister Surgeon drives an elbow into Thrilla's nose. Oh, but Thrilla responds with a stiff clothesline. Thrilla off the ropes and connects with a kick right to SMP's midsection.
SW: It may be time for some torso surgery. Where's his rusty scalpel?
MM: Now Thrilla is just trying to shove both of his thumbs in SMP's eyes. But SMP is holding it off.
SW: NIPPLE CUTTER! What a reversal out of nowhere.
MM: Cover. SMP got him.
NH: Here is your winner at...
GR: Oh crap! I forgot to set my watch again.
NH: *Sigh* At 4:30, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
MM: That's good enough to beat Kevin the Pyromaniac's time. The question is will douja or Pete Trable be able to beat 4:30.
SW: I bet douja gets 4:20.
[In a hallway, Pete Trable found Insano Mano.]
PT: Yo, dawg. I ain't gonna go into some racist illegal immigrant rant, since I think you're here legally. But I do know you're Mexican, and all good Mexicans like bribes. You know...bribos?
IM: Puta del hombre!
PT: Right...it looks like SMP's got the time to beat now at 4:30. So all I need for you to do is lay down at any time between one second and four minutes and twenty-nine seconds, homey. Yo, I needs to beat you so I can get my match with Sir Zeno at whatever our next show is called. Yo, you know you gonna lose anyway, dawg. So make yourself look good, whatever. Just do the j-o-b, d-o-g. And if you do...
[Trable reaches into his pocket and pulls out some change and jingles it around in his hand.]
PT: I'm talkin' 50 cents, yo! You could buy a candy bar with that much money. Maybe even a can of generic soda. Think about, homey. There could be two gumballs in your future if you take a dive.
[Insano Mano smiles.]
IM: Loco insano o insano loco, cuando digo el hussein usted dice Trable!
PT: Whoa, dawg, I didn't know you could rap. Word.
[They bang knuckles.]
PT: Yow...hey! No barbed wire on the knuckles. That's not cool.
IM: Escupo en la cara de la gente que no desea estar fresca.
PT: Whatever. Just lay down, bitch.
[Trable walks away.]
SW: It looks like Trable's made a deal with Insano Mano.
MM: I can't believe he's resorted to bribery.
SW: It's the American way, Monroe. Get with the times. Everything in this country gets done either by intimidation or bribery. Now shut up, or I'll kick your ass.
MM: Bring it on, bitch.
SW: I'll give you a dollar not to kick my ass.
MM: Show me the dollar.
["Mexican Hat Dance" by the Arriba Brothers plays.]
NH: The following is a "The Faster And More Furious, The Better" match. Now coming to the ring, from Suicida, Mexico, Insano Mano.
MM: Well fans, while we have a second, let me update you on the lost episodes of Sunday Morning Chloroform. On SMC 45, the show opened with Michelle in chains.
SW: Ah yes, one of the hottest moments in BOB history.
MM: Sir Zeno taunted Pigeon and Michelle. The Undietaker broke into the room and chased off Zeno, then freed Michelle. In March Mayhem tournament action, The Domino pinned Pete Trables. Meanwhile, waffles were delivered to Axl Van Halen's room. Axl Van Halen pinned Premslvwk. SMP and douja got involved with Axl after the match, and then Nurse Heidi and Kritch were involved in a...um...sheep fight? Cat fight? In March Mayhem, Sir Hungalot pinned Massive Man Rendition First in a huge upset, with an STWF distraction. In a showdown with Michelle, Undietaker, Pigeon and Sir Zeno, the title match was set up for MAYhem In MAYday. Billy Polar defeated Kevin the Pyromaniac in a squash. Coma defeated Lord Lestat Von Sexbat. Pigeon pinned Kurt Angel in a Mayhem match. After the match, Sir Zeno and Queen Mylisiv attacked Pigeon and Michelle. Kay Fabe got involved, then Anne O'Rexic and Nikki Mantle to make the save for Michelle. In another Mayhem match, Death killed Sir Ronald Killalot, again. A Skull & Bones interview followed, interrupted by Little Good, who said he was looking to die. He was severely beaten, but not killed. In the main event, Kamikazie Ken defeated Hardcore JJ by count out in a Mayhem match. A STWF then took over BOB's airwaves to let everyone know they were the old breed, they are the past.
["X Gonna Give It To Ya" by DMX plays.]
NH: And his opponent. From Fresno, California. "Xfactor" Pete Trable!
MM: On SMC 47 opened with Dubya meeting with SMP and Kamikazie Ken about the upcoming Team STWF vs. Team BOB match. In a Mayhem match, Death, with his new valet Katie Vicks, killed Billy Polar, also again, after braining him with his Beer In The Belly case. Post-match, Death and Katie made out in the middle of the ring.
SW: OH, right. I remember that. If he had a tongue and she had a pulse, she'd be gagging.
MM: Pigeon pinned Violent Pacifist in another Mayhem match. The STWF cut a promo. In a Mayhem match, Mr. Paradox pinned Dr. Thrilla. douja pinned The Domino in another Mayhem match. Axl Van Halen beat Sgt. Genocide via count out in a Mayhem match. Anne O'Rexic, Michelle and Nikki attempted to recruit Eliza to join their team, but Eliza was already taken. She then screamed and laughed at them. In a Mayhem match, Jim defeated Undietaker by pin after Sir Zeno interfered. Zeno and Pigeon then got into a huge pull apart brawl, with Pigeon stapling several security guards in the face. In a Mayhem match, Coma pinned Sir Hungalot. And in the main event, SMP pinned Kamikazie Ken, which meant Ken would be on Team BOB. After, Axl Van Halen attacked SMP, then douja attacked Axl. Death came out to watch. Fade to black.
SW: Uh, Mike? Match started.
MM: SMC 47 opened with--
NH: Here is your winner, in 39 seconds, Insano Mano!
MM: What the? I didn't even finish recapping SMC.
SW: He's a Mexican! Luchadores can't get over in wrestling.
MM: Well, with a time of 39 seconds, Mano is the Mano to beat.
SW: Oh, don't try and be cute.
MM: Do we have that replay yet? No? Great. Eight years, still no progress.
SW: Same crap, different toilet.
MM: Mano with the fluke win becomes the leader in the "Faster And More Furious, The Better" series.
SW: I’m sure it upset Michelle and the booking committee. That had to be a fuck up.
MM: douja is the last man who can qualify to face Zeno.
SW: Otherwise…*sigh* it will be Zeno vs. Insano Mano as the main event of our next show.
MM: I guess I can quickly recap the rest of SMC 47. The show opened with Dubya talking about the STWF and promising to continue his War On Error. douja defeated Pigeon via countout in a Mayhem match, after Pigeon ranted about getting his title at MAYhem In MAYday. Thrilla and Trable then competed in a rapoff. The crowd picked Thrilla as the winner, so sore loser Trable attacked him. Up next, it was a tag team elimination match with the winners to go for the tag titles at MAYhem In MAYday. EFOW won the match. Nikki Mantle took on Kay Fabe in a preview of Babes Behind Bars. It ended in a no contest when all eight women in the match got into a brawl. Mr. Paradox defeated Death in a Mayhem match. Xamfir found a new enemy in Kevin the Pyromaniac, after Kevin torched his stuffed parrot. Paradox then attacked both men for fun. In a Mayhem match, Axl Van Halen defeated Coma, as SMP cost Coma the match. SMP was so confident that he would get to destroy Axl at MAYhem In MAYday, he wanted to make sure Axl got to the finals. However, when SMP went into his match against Jim for the final spot in the MAYhem tournament, Axl ran in and cost SMP the match by attacking Jim, getting SMP disqualified, and eliminating SMP from the Mayhem tournament. This set up the final four-way match of Axl Van Halen vs. Mr. Paradox vs. Jim vs. douja at MAYhem In MAYday. The show closed with a recap of Pigeon and Sir Zeno's bloody war.
SW: And why did we have to go through all that useless info?
MM: Leary demanded that his outlined show get published and not go to waste.
SW: Insecure little prick. You're not getting paid either way. Dumbass. It's OK to lose some of that genius, genius.
MM: This just in. Next month, Scotty will be taking on Logonoa in a loser leaves BOB match.
SW: WHAT? FUCK THAT! Leary! I'll kill you!
[In a hallway of the hotel, Insano Mano ran into Little Good.]
IM: Poco bueno mi promesa del friendI usted conseguirá todo el asno mexicano barato que usted puede manejar si usted puede hacer su fósforo con el último del douja más largo de 39 segundos y que me deja encenderme hacer frente a Sir Zeno. También, prometo que le daré el primer fósforo del título una vez que bata Zeno.
LG: Bloody hell. You got yourself a deal, mate. They legal?
LG: I guess not. Right then.
[Little Good walked away.]
LG: Ready to kill me yet?
Death: Bugger off.
[BigBOSS is with Styles.]
Styles: I am standing here with BigBOSS.
BigB: Why do I even pay for a narrator?
Styles: Excuse me?
BigB: Styles, I've got something to say to the XCW. That's right. I'm challenging any one of you people to meet me in the ring at the next BOB show. So I can randomly pick your opponent face to face with the Medium-Sized Bucket!
[BigBOSS storms off.]
Styles: The Medium-Sized Bucket? A random opponent for the XCW? That's some serious talk from BigBOSS! Back to you guys.
[Somewhere else backstage, Alex Smith and his bullhorn was talking to Randall Mooby.]
AS: Randall! I can't believe I am being forced by the corrupt powers that be to face Kamikazie Ken in a match. They fear my message. They fear the truth. So they're trying to silence me forever. I've got far more important information to spread. The TRUTH! You maggots won't get away with that.
RM: Yeah, that's some fucked up shit, man. Speaking of fucked up shit, I was watching this porno where this amputee is doing it with a transvestite. Must see grossness. You don't even want to know what the stump was used for.
AS: I sure don't, Randall. When are you going to stop watching porno and start fighting the military industrial complex? David Rockefeller and his goons will not get away with their plan to destroy America. I will not be a bootlicker to this regime of eeeeevil. You want to see some truly disturbing video? Become a member of steelcageplanet.tv, and you can see my latest videos about police brutality, the coming scientific dictatorship and the plan to depopulate the planet through a complex neocon scheme involving chemtrails, Google spying, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the Federal Reserve, the North American Union, microchips, and fluoride in the water.
RM: Right. Like I can afford that shit.
AS: It works out to like five cents a day.
RM: Hey, I have a porn addiction. I'm on a very tight budget. Flipping burgers and indy-wrestling doesn't exactly afford for luxuries like clean clothes or conspiracy Web site memberships.
[Jim and Massive Man walk up to them.]
MMR1: You think you got problems? We’re only getting paid for this cameo tonight.
Jim: Dude, it sucks.
MMR1: Can we have your match if you don’t want it?
AS: You want to face Kamikazie Ken?
Jim: You know, on second thought…
MMR1: Good luck with that, dude.
[Coma enters the shot, pauses, looking around at Alex, Randall, Massive Man and Jim for several seconds.]
[The crowd pops like crazy.]
[Back to the ring. Kamikazie Ken is riding a motorcycle while in a strait jacket and steering it with his teeth.]
NH: The following match is scheduled for one horribly painful fall. Introducing first, from Banzai Falls, Georgia, Kamikazie Ken.
MM: Oh no. Ken's got a new entrance routine. It looks like he's going to drive around the entire ring. Easy. Easy. Uh oh. He's losing it. Look out.
SW: Is it hailing in here?
MM: Oh no, those are his teeth.
SW: Eww. One landed on my face.
MM: Scotty, don't throw that away.
SW: Throw it away? What do you think I am? I'm gonna use it. One of my teeth has been a bit dull lately. I need this for a replacement. Where's my phone, I've got to call my dentist.
["What Would You Do?" by Paris plays next.]
NH: And his opponent. From Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico. Alex Smith.
AS: (Bullhorning) 9/11 was an inside job! 9/11 was an inside job! 9/11 was an inside job!
MM: Wow, he got out of the strait jacket.
SW: Who, Alex Smith? I know he's a nut, but still...
MM: No, Ken. Remember? He just crashed out here.
SW: Oh, right. My tooth donor.
MM: He didn't give you that tooth.
SW: At worst, maybe I can get a buck from the Tooth Fairy.
MM: Your mom? Forget it. Ken has escaped from the strait jacket. And he's ready to wrestle Alex Smith.
SW: It's great how Ken always concusses himself before every match.
[Ken digs out an orange bottle from his outfit, and tosses away a white cap into the crowd.]
SW: Oh, and now he's guzzling a bottle of painkillers. There is no entrance in the industry like Kamikazie Ken.
MM: There's only one Kamikazie Ken. And this one is ready to get underway. Collar and elbow tie up, and Smith starts slugging away on Ken. But that shot takes Smith down. But Smith has him in a headlock. He's calling for his bullhorn?
AS: The truth hurts way worse than any wrestling hold. Right now, the elite are planning more ways to enslave you. They condition you. Every five seconds on TV it's terror, terror, terror, terror. Scuuum...they make me SICK! It's like you've got a serial killer living next door, and no one will believe you! Your so-called Christian elected official worship an owl and conduct mock human sacrifices at Bohemian Grove. Wake up America!
MM: Ken just ripped the bullhorn from Smith's hands. He tosses it back to Smith. And he dropkicks the bullhorn right into Smith's face.
SW: Sweet move.
MM: Generic Ref is ending the match?
SW: Boooo! I want blood! I want blood!
NH: The winners, as a result of a disqualification, Alex Smith.
SW: Whew, Smith is getting silenced out of the building.
MM: Yep, the fans sure are indifferent to this whole match.
AS: Government operative!
[Backstage, douja was smoking a blunt as he headed toward the ring.]
SW: In just a few moments, we'll see if douja can beat Little Good in less than 39 seconds.
["How High" by Method Man played as the camera returned to the ring.]
NH: The following is the final "The Faster And More Furious, The Better" match. Introducing first, from parts forgotten, douja!
SW: What do you think, Mike. Kick, wham, Chronic Neck Pain?
MM: I'd imagine so.
NH: And his opponent...
["Too Drunk To Fuck" by Dead Kennedys blasted.]
NH: From Cloudydale, Connecticut, this is Little Good.
MM: Well this has the potential to be one violent, brutal match, but we've only got 39 seconds to work with.
SW: So it has the potential to piss off all the fans royally. Sweet. We need a riot.
LG: Hey mate, wanna smoke?
douja: yo, gimme.
[Little Good drops the cigarette.]
[douja bends over to pick up the cigarette. Little Good winds up for a big swing.]
MM: Little Good's gonna sucker punch douja.
[Little Good gets within a few inches of douja's head before he grabs his head and falls to his knees.]
SW: Is that the chip in his head?
MM: I guess so. It only lets him commit violence against other jobbers. Apparently, douja doesn't qualify as a jobber.
douja: yo cracka got a lite?
LG: (Breathless) Yeah.
[Little Good digs into his trenchcoat and pulls out a lighter. He lights up douja's cigarette.]
douja: ya alrite for a cracka ass cracka.
[Little Good lights up one of his own.]
douja: howd we get out here?
LG: Um...we walked out to music.
douja: yeh? coo.
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, douja has failed to beat Insano Mano's time. This match has been declared a no contest.
SW: Seriously? It's going to be Sir Zeno vs. Insano Mano next month?
MM: I guess so. Well, all those years of insane bumps have finally paid off as Mano gets his first ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS shot.
[In the hallways backstage, Insano Mano has blindfolded himself and is running around whacking people with a stick.]
Guy: Ow! Hey, watch it.
Girl: Whoa! Hey, only my boyfriend can do that to me!
SW: Look! Mano's piñataing his way to the ring.
MM: He sure is.
[Meanwhile, somewhere else in the hotel, Sir Zeno and his crew were walking.]
MM: We're about to have a contract signing.
SW: Seriously? That's gonna be our main event? A contract signing? How lame is that?
[Cut to video of XXXtreme Machine standing in an empty ring, posing, trying to look all bad ass. Some loud, shitty music is blasting.]
XM: (Voiceover) tym 3 gte xxtreeme! tiiiiiim 2 git xxxxtreeeemmmmeeee!
Caption: Triple X Treme Iz Cumin Bak!!!!!
[Back in the BOB Ballroom, "Bow Down" by Westside Connection is playing. Mr. Leary is in the ring with a piece of paper in his hand. "Mexican Hat Dance" plays, and Insano Mano runs out to boos, still blindfolded and smacking a few fans along the way in the head with his piñata stick. He eventually runs into the ring and takes his blindfold off.]
Mr. Leary: Please welcome the new number one contender, Insano Mano!
Mr. Leary: And now let's give it up for the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.....
["Narayan" by Prodigy hits. The crowd cheers.]
Mr. Leary: Sir Zeno!
MM: Sir Zeno is coming out alone. But I bet his crew is watching closely to make sure nothing goes down.
SW: Zeno's had a busy night. He's also going to have to deal with Axl Van Halen and Death, who each have earned title shots at him. Plus, SMP and douja no doubt want to get their shots at him.
[Cut backstage to Massive Man Rendition First.]
MMR1: You know...I used to BE the OWCTM! And some day...I might be again.
SW: Don't remind us.
[Back to ringside.]
MM: Everybody's focused on that title.
Mr. Leary: Well...in about a month, BOB will present...Mano-a-Zeno. Live on BOB-On-Demand and eventually straight to DVD!
SZ: Everybody knows that I'm going to beat this joke of a wrestlers. So, no Americans wanted to face me, so an immigrant gets it. Amazing. But I don't blame Plants, douja and Van Halen for throwing their matches. If I were them, I wouldn't want to face me either. Mano, this match is going to suck for you. It will be painful. And it will probably be your last match ever in BOB.
[Zeno signs the paper on Leary's back, and then stabs Leary with the pen.]
Mr. Leary: Eeep. Mano. Could you please pull the pen out of my back and sign on the line?
IM: Usted es un poopooheado.
[Mano signs the paper. He holds the pen as if he might stab Zeno.]
SMP: Hold on. Stop this sham NOW.
MM: Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is back. And so is douja.
SMP: Everybody knows that one of us should be facing Zeno next. And one of us would be if the bookers weren't complete retards.
IM: ¡Yo vete a la mierda de la voluntad encima de peor que el sistema pasado de tits que usted trabajó encendido!
SMP: What did he just say?
[douja and SMP look down as the translation appears at the bottom of the screen.]
Caption: I veto to the excrement of the will upon worse than the system passed of tits that you worked ignition!
[douja and SMP look confused.]
SMP: You're one dead Mano...whatever you just said.
[Zeno leaves the ring and douja and SMP charge in and start beating the crap out of Mano. Zeno laughs as he watches his next challenger being brutalized.]
MM: Axl just jumped the guardrail and he's going after Zeno with a baseball bat. It's the XCW! They're attacking Zeno at ringside. But hold on? What is this? Douja, SMP and Insano Mano are coming to Zeno's rescue? And now here comes the Undietaker, Mr. Paradox, Dr. Thrilla and Queen Mylisiv. All these enemies are uniting to fight off the XCW.
SW: Undietaker's got Axl. Wedgie-aided chokeslam on the floor!
MM: Pigeon's out and he's chasing around Tim Russo with a staple gun. What is going on here? Now Thrilla and Paradox are brawling with SMP and douja. Everybody is fighting everybody. It's chaos, fans, and we're out of time from Sin City. Good night everybody.
[Scene fades as everybody is still brawling.]
© 2007 BOB Wrestling. Saturday Night's Mano Event!