ED IS DE 7-11-99
**Screen slowly fades in as we see a short yellow school bus hauling ass down a highway, special kids are bouncing around inside, causing havoc, the side of the bus reads "Special Ed Wrestling". Crappy event promo begins**
**15 Red Assed Baboons are dancing erratically while stupid elevator music plays throughout. The words "Ed is De" float around in the background. The baboons do a Rockettes "high kick" number in sync with the music...after a minute of that nonsense, a hunchback appears, yells "ED IS DE" in his weird slurrish voice, he then flexes his hump muscle, fade to black**
**We are taken to the inside of the SEW Arena in beautiful Lame Deer, Montana. Everything is actually set up quite decently. A ring 21' x 21' is off to the right, while a huge space to the left is clearly visible. The Special-Tron looms above "THE RAMP".**
**The camera pans around the Arena, where many screaming and recently paid off fans sit cheering for no reason whatsoever. Signs include: "Where am I?", "Cheez Stinkz", "TABLE~! is my dad", and "I like horsies", to name a few**
**Right before we see our announcers, "No Chance in Heck" booms across the PA system, and out walks The SEW's BIG CHEEZ himself right out onto THE RAMP, followed by his whole entourage, 15 Baboons, a Hawaiian guy named The Exception, a little kid, and an antlered smiley face masked man named Big Beefy the Kindred DeerHunter.**
**Chants of "pissant" rain down from the fans**
Big Cheez: Aww yes, I do so love your appreciation for me....GET EM!!!! **The 15 Baboons jump into the crowd and start biting people in the naughtybits and the like, The Baboon Leader annihilates Pauly Shore, who was in Row A Seat 3**
Cheez: Much much better. I hate that guy and his damned "Weezing the Juice" bit...many nightmares, anyway, Beefy, bring out the box.
**Big Beefy pulls out a huge box out of nowhere (the master of the hidden foreign object)**
Cheez: See those titles over there **points to current SEW titles** THEY BLOW GOAT!!! We cant have goat blowing here. Due to that, I got new stuff for the champs. **The Exception pushes the old titles of the RAMP which happens to be about 50 feet high** Good...I hafta pee **crowd silence** Awww, not anymore...alrighty, let's get down to it. **opens box** Ok, The New HARDCORE title is no longer a DungBucket, no way in heck, hell, sam hell, or hell, michigan, nope, we now have this **pulls out 2 grapefruit sized balls connected by a string** The BullScrot! NOW THATS HARDCORE, DARNIT!!! ok, next up, That piece of glass called the Special-Vision titles, phooey, now we have the GNLM championship **pulls out GNLM revealing a Golden Naked Lady Mudflap with 2 leather straps**, hahahaha, I knew you'd like that one **crowd silence** Tee Hee. The Tag Team Titles are 2 slightly smaller version of the Big title, so I dont have them with me today, but the BIG TITLE is now gone.... **Cheez pulls out a huge red handball with leather straps and has SEW spraypainted on it** now we have THE BALL! Who'll be the first to gain it? Who knows **the ball slips and Cheez accidentally "drops the ball", eerie**
**Crowd is in awe, possibly due to being drunk**
**The Baboon Leader takes the ball, and the other titles and all the Baboons wear them for safe keeping, just then The Bell Keeper holds up a pen, and Cheez falls down**
Cheez: Ok, good, the timing is right on the money..heehee. Ok, last thing....dont screw with me **trying to get massive heel heat** JUST DONT!!! I SWEAR!!! UH...PURE EVIL!!! **points to the boy** Best damn recognize. BWAHAHAHAHA! **Cheez vanishes in thin air, while the rest of the "security force" leave in multiple directions.
3 minutes of commercials for various products including: JuiceBastard, FireBar 2020, The Poop Vacuum, and DAOAS (dead animals on a stick) Inc.
**ED IS DE comes back on, and we see a werid Egyptian fellow kickin it old skool, playing lame ass music**
Music Guy: Dis is D.J. Imhotep, all up in your pyramid, make some noizzzze! **raises the tomb** Yo yo yo yo yo biatch, we be kickin it smoove.....**just then Disgruntled Postman runs by and delivers a vicious clothesline on Imhotep out of nowhere** EEEAAARGH! **Imhotep slumps to the floor, as Postman bashes him with a mailbag in an uncouth manner**
Postman: YO MAMA! **raises the roof in an erratic motion, and gets a huge pop from the crowd**
**While Postman gets cheered for horrendously, the camera FINALLY gets to the Announcers, bout damn time**
Night Train Jones: Diz be Night Train, to my leff is dizz honkay, Dan Nizzwizzwizz who gives a shizz, and to my rie', we'z got HAMSA (large hamster btw), and da guy who be da backup, and sum times guinea pig announca' be Loafa Bred (loaf of bread). **Claims westside up in this**
Dan: **speaking in monotone voice, that of a boring wrestling announcer COUGH ZBYSZKO COUGH** The Laotian Soldiers of the 1500's practice martial arts and wrestling (waving hands around), I studied under them and from what this schedule shows, I see no real wrestlers from the Laotian tribe. Therefore, I proclaim, that no one has the spirit to win, and I am the real Special Legend!
Night Train: Shu'up yo hole, bizznitch. **bitchslaps dan** I am yo daddy. You shu'up an' collec dem dam chex dey give ya, ya dig.
Dan: YOU DONT KNOW ME, YOUR NOT LAOTIAN! YOU DONT KNOW ME! **cries**
Hamster: Psssh, whatever, i guess i will be the announcer considering no one else can be on the level i am, ahem, ok, this first match looks to be extraordinary and possibly highly entertaining....4 Jobbers in a 4 Corners JobberFest! WOOHOO! Let's get it going! **hordes mic into cheek pouches**
Chet Smiley (ring announcer guy): Ladies and gentleman boys and girls of all ages....gyeeech! **chet falls over after a relentless bashing of beer bottles thrown from the audience**
**The Loaf of Bread is thrown into the ring by Night Train, the loaf will announcer the competitors**
Loaf of Bread: ......
**One of the Baboons runs down to the ring, with CHAIR, and throws CHAIR in**
Loaf of Bread: ......
**Out comes "Triple W" Wiggety Wiggety Whack to the ring**
NT: Now dat be one fugged up cracka', hahaha.
Loaf of Bread: ......
**Out comes UNORTHODOXO, a masked weirdo, that oversells his entrance**
Loaf of Bread: ......
**Out comes Mike Skillz**
Skillz: YO YO WUSSUP MY BROTHA'Z AND SISTA'Z! **waves hands in air as if he dont care** WHEN I SAY MIKE YOU SAY SKILLZ....MIKE...**silence**.....up yours.
**The 4 Corners Jobber match starts off with Mike Skillz getting ruthlessly smashed upon by his strangely similar opponent, Triple W, while UNORTHODOXO goes to work on CHAIR, by kicking him in the groin, where-ever that may actually be. UNORTHODOXO gets his head stuck in the chair, apparently a submission hold by CHAIR, and UNORTHODOXO oversells in a big way, by flailing around screaming "MOMMY, SAVE ME"**.
Night Train: Oh my god, now dis right hea', now dat is juss, i dunno, but it aint rie', it juss compleet loodicriss.
Dan: Now that Chair doesnt have the right grip, what he needs to do is move his seat up a few inches, and grasp onto Unorthodoxo's head more.
NT: Shu'up cracka', dam foo its a chair. get wit it. **Dan begins to sob again**
**Triple W on the ropes, and missile dropkicks Mike Skillz. Triple W legdrops Mike, Mike sells it perfectly, Mike sneaks a peek at the bell keeper, he holds a thumb down, and Triple W goes for the pin!**
1.......2...........3! MIKE SKILLZ HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Hamster: Now that my friend, is a seriously good dropkick ***makes some weird noise resembling "tu tu tu tu tu", then then starts to scratch at the announce table**
Night Train: You got dat rie' Hamsa. Triple Dubba be deffinly repsentin where-eva he be from.
**Triple W runs over to UNORTHODOXO, but literally gets a CHAIR SHOT!**
**triple w falls to the ground, and unorthodoxo quickly removes the chair**
UNORTHODOXO: Fooled yoooou! Noonie Noonie Noo Noo! **struts** boom shalock lock boom! **Unorthodoxo looks down at Triple, and applies a groin claw**
**Triple W is KO'ed, and UNORTHODOXO refuses to let go of the groin claw, after 3 minutes, the baboons run him, 2 take him down, while 4 more drag triple w out of the ring, after that melee is done, the baboons run away, leaving only Unorthodoxo and CHAIR**
Night Train: Now dat massed man be one crazay son-va-gun, dizzamn.
Dan: **waving hands around** The stranger they are, the harder they look.
Night Train: What da.....man, dat so lame...it make me sick. Dat made abs-lootly no sense, whatso-eva'.
HAMSTER: Quit your yammering, and look in the ring dammit, Mr. Doxo looks to be wrapping this sucka' up.
**UNORTHODOXO sets Chair up in the corner, and executes his version of the Bronco Buster, The I Hump Your Face Repeatedly Maneuever!**
HAMSTER: That move is banned from 37 different countries.
**Unorthodoxo climbs to the top rope, and proceeds to do THE UNORTHODOXER, a 450 hurrican-plancha, shooting star corkscrew legdrop moonsault clothesline from the top rope, and goes for the pin attempt!**
1......2..........3! ITS ALL OVER! UNORTHODOXO WINS THE FIRST EVER SEW MATCH at 7 minutes even!
Night Train: Dat be some funky shizz. Mad props to da U-Mayng.
Dan: We will be right back after these words from our un-Laotian sponsors
**3 and a half minutes of commercials, brought to you by: Wesuck Alot Enterprises, Y2K Jelly, a Movie called "King Dong", and a promo for the tv show after ED IS DE, which is called "Unhealthy Devil Music Hour", with special host SATAN, and special guest stars Yahoo Serious, the fat one from Wilson Phillips, Macauley Culkin, Dolph Lundgren, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and more**
**We return to the announcers booth, for some more rambling**
Night Train: Now diss necks match be da bigun fo da nite, knowum-sayin', cuz dis be Divide an' Conka **camera pans over to the Divide and Conquer area, where 2 ladders have been set up, with the GNLM, and BullScrot titles hang above them**. Da roolz fo dis match is, dey aint nun. Once 2 foo'z grabum dem titlez, da match be ova', konwum-sayin'....so lets git down to ring.
**Hamster hordes the loaf of bread in his cheek pouches, then climbs into the ring, and announces the next match**
Hamster: This next match is for the HAAAAAARDCOOOOOORE BUUULLSCROT AND THE GOOOOOLDEN NAAAAKEED LAAAAADY MUUUUDFLAAAAP CHAAAAMPIONSHIIIIIPS OF THE WOOOOORLD! **huge pop from crowd** I dont have any info on these guys, the music isnt cued up from what i gather, so these intros are short and sweet! here we go!
TAAAAAAAABLE~! **table~! is thrown into the D&C area by 2 baboons. Decent Pop**
HAAANDY DAAANDY ROCKET RAAANDY AAAARMSTROOONG! **HDR runs around in circles around table~!. Decent Pop**
FAAAAAT BIIIIITCH! **fat b. waddles HER way into the D&C area, as the fans oooh, and aaah, at her sheer girth**
MIIIISTER BOOOOOOTS! **Mr. Boots slowly walks into the D&C area, and licks his paw. One Guy cheers loudly**
THE RAAAAABIIIIIT! **The Rabbit bounces into the D&C area and proceeds to start fighting with Mr. Boots. Crowd pops big time**
BOBO THE HUUUUMAAAAN GAAARBAAAAGE DIIIISPOSAAAAL! **BOBO lumbers his gargantuan frame into the area, and just stands there. The people cheer cuz he's fat**
ORAAAAACLE! **the sound of a plate smashing is heard, as ORACLE, runs into the area, middle fingers standing high, while shaking his head left and right rapidly. The fans cheer insanely**
THE DIIIISGRUUUUNTLED POSTMAAAAAN! **Postman walks down to the area twitching violently with an evil grin on his face. The Fans pop, probly cuz of the Imhotep incident**
MIIIISTER $ELLOUT CHRIIIIS WEEEEST! **Fake dollar bills rain down from above, as the $ellout walks around, watching his opponents. The fans pop loudly, then realize the money is fake, and boo even louder**
and finally.....THE VAAAAGAAAABOND DIIIINKY MAAAACLED! **Dinky runs into the area, and the match begins**
Night Train: Awww yea', we are underway! hahaha.
Dan: Look for a high paced match, with some un-Laotian moves.
**Mr. Boots and The Rabbit are fighting like mad, while The Vagabond and Rocket Randy are in a good old fashioned staredown, from behind BOBO runs over, and squashes the animals. Both of the wrestlers have been flattened into the concrete floor, leaving imprints**
**The Postman jumps onto the guardrail and moonsaults onto BOBO, but in a strange occurrence, gets absorbed by one of his rolls.**
Night Train: Inna sense, posman knows his roll! BWAHAHAHA, dat so funnie!
**Mr. $ellout hammers Vagabond from behind, with a kick to the back of the skull, Vagabond whimpers and falls in a heap....Rocket Randy tries to shake $ellouts's hand, but $ellout scoffs Randy, and instead clotheslines him**
**ORACLE is running around like a damned idiot yelling "DTA DTA DTA" and in the process gets floored by Fat Bitch. She starts riding him like its nobody's business, and if he could afford a black "censor" box, we would be using it right now.**
Night Train: Now dat be one sick bizzniatch.
**BOBO bends over to pick up TABLE, and Postman shoots out of his back, covered in lint and sweat. Postman gets PO'ed, and tries to spear BOBO but winds up right back in BOBO's rolls.**
**Fat B. is still riding Oracle**
**TABLE~! is being bench pressed by BOBO...but Randy comes from behind, and gets on all 4's, Randy rolls to the left, and in mid-bench press, BOBO falls backwards like a tree, Randy gets squashed, BOBO finally hits the ground, and Postman shoots upward into the air, and starts freaking out, looking as if he is doing a rapid succession of LeapFrog Splash-esque waving of the arms and legs. Postman connects with The Leapfrog, and quickly gets up, then he starts shaking imaginary ropes, and pointing at the fans**
Hamster: Now that is one damn good high spot I must say, Postman got at least 15 feet on that.
**The Vagabond, somehow, got to the GNLM ladder, and is climbing it slowly, but ORACLE spears the ladder, and vagabond falls to the floor. Oracle gets up, wobbles his skull around, flips vagabond off, then does his variation of the stunner**
Dan: Vagabond is out cold, not a bad showing for the little guy, but he still is not Laotian.
Night Train: **gives a "i am gonna smack you" look at Dan, then looks back at the camera** Lookz as if dey be only sicks wrestlers remainin', all dem udda'z be nocked the heezay out! Some good stuff so far.
Hamster: Why yes, BOBO isnt fairing so well either, but he has mauled the animal contingent here in this match, he is by far.....a small animal harmer.
Night Train: I heard dat, hamsa, he is phat, and fat. Bobo be my predikshun to win sumpin'
**We have no idea how, but TABLE~! is halfway up the ladder to the GNLM title, and Postman climbs up the other side, Postman actually makes it to the top, refuses to go after the title, but instead grabs TABLE~!, does a few twitches, and proceeds to do a most heinous maneuver on TABLE~!, it resembles a finisher already known to the wrestling world**
Dan: Um, uh, train?
Night Train: Um, shi-ite foo I dunno...uh dat be...no uh...
**Hamster removes Bread out of his cheek pouch, and in another odd moment, Bread somehow speaks**
Bread: BOCK ROTTOM! BOCK ROTTOM! THE TABLE HAS FALLEN! OH DOO DAH DAY!
**Hamster gets annoyed and puts Bread in a JUICEBASTARD (that they had at ringside to show off, damn sponsors), and turns bread into liquid, and pours him on the ground**
**The other announcers are shocked**
Hamster: Thats what he gets for not staying in. **announcers slowly look back to the D&C area, as they move their chairs a few feet away from Hamster**
**Fat B. quickly runs over to Postman and she starts riding him like a.....uh, dog to a leg. Postman is tapping out!**
Night: Silly honkey, no tappin out in dis match, it be winna take all...hahaha...posman is see-is-ly gettin mizzangled.
**Postman is knocked out by Fat Bitches riding power, and sheer girth, The Postman couldnt take it, but falls prey to the bitch**
Night: Anuuda one bite da dust. haha
**Mr. $ellout (after deciding to play it cool away from the action) runs in and $ellout Splashes TABLE~!, not once, nor twice, but thrice! TABLE~! is in shards, after the Bock Rottom, and now the $ellout splashes....Table~! is wood chips**
Dan: It was only a matter of time....TABLE~! had no chance **waves arms around**....laotian!
Night: Shu'up wit dat Laotian crapola, honkey foo.
**Hamster hordes Dan into his cheek pouches**
Night: Tanks mayng, i owe ya one.
Hamster: No problem **night turns back to the D&C area, but Hamster hordes him as well into his cheek pouches, hamster gets out of his seat, and quickly scampers away, you can see Night train trying to punch out, as he yells obscenities**
**BOBO finally awakens and starts lumbering over to the BullScrot ladder where the less amount of action is going on.**
**BOBO is climbing the ladder, and the steps creek loudly, as if they were screaming in pain. Fat Bitch sees this, and she starts truckin' down to the ladder**
**BOBO is at the top reaching for the title, but Bitch kicks out the ladder from underneath him, BOBO sails down slow motion-esque to the floor, and KABOOM!, he hits with the force of a 4.0 earthquake. He lays there motionless while Fat Bitch's manager, Ross, runs over to the ladder, and quickly tapes it up, trying to get it into some decent shape so it can hold some weight**
**ORACLE and $ellout have been going at it for a while now, and ORACLE gets the upper hand...he yells "DTA", kick $ellout, but $ellout no $ells, laughs at Oracle, and CHA-CHING!, ORACLE IS OUT!**
**Mr. $ellout (to a loud chorus of boos) slowly climbs to the top of the ladder, reaches out, and grabs the GOLDEN NAKED LADY MUDFLAP TITLE....he straps it on, slowly gets down to the groundfloor, and is declared the GNLM Champion of the World**
$ellout: CHA-CHING! Nuff said! **$ellout walks off, but not before CHA-CHINGING oracle one more time**
**Chet Smiley wakes up in time, and announces the new champ**: THE NEW GNLM CHAAAAMPIOOOON OF THE WOOOOORLD.....MIIIISTER $ELLOUT CHRIIIIIS WEEEEST!
**Chet Smiley walks over to the D&C area, and makes sure he stays awake long enough to announce the Scrot Champ**
**The BullScrot ladder has been taped up, but it wont hold Bitch's weight, so Ross quickly climbs up the rickety ladder, and grabs the BULLSCROT, and throws his down to his mom**
Chet: HERE SHE IS, THE NEW BUUUUUULLSCROT CHAAAAMPION OF THE WOOOOORLD, FAAAA BIIIIIITCH!!!! **Fat Bitch gets a mixed reaction from the crowd**
Commercial Time: Fake Boobies 'R' Us, another JUICEBASTARD promo, and a promo for BURNING SENSATION '99, on Monday July 19th, 1999
**All the matches are over, and the crowd is slowly leaving until "No Chance in Heck" once again plays over the PA system, the whole crew quickly line up on THE RAMP, as the remaining fans gather around the ramp**
Cheez: Dont come up here...I am warning you **the drunk fans start climbing up the ramp before Cheez can make his announcement**
**125 Drunk Redneck Fans start a mass riot against the whole "security force"**
**The Baboons are quickly stuffed in a bag, with remaining titles and all, and the rednecks run away**
Cheez: Aw you dirty bastard! YOU WILL ALL PAY! PURE EVIL!
**The little boy starts to yodel, and suddenly, 90% of the remaining crowd falls over in pain**
Cheez: For each week when no baboons are by my side, I will unleash PURE EVIL on you all! You can thank the man who stole my precious monkeys....jerks! **Cheez begins to cry on Exception's shoulder, camera fades out**
**ED IS DE IS OVER**
© 2004 BOB!
1999 Special Ed Wrestling