HOT ASIAN SLUTS! a.k.a Super Whack Dope Royal Rumble and Shit. Word.
Welcome to Gluttons For Punishment.
(Live when it happened)
[The camera scans a modest crowd that has gathered at "The Non-Functioning Retractable Dome" in downtown Lardville, Mass. Some signs can be seen including, "Free Moustache Rides" held by a kid with a peach fuzzed, marker-darkened growth that would have most adults asking him if he had dirt on his lip. "Who Farted?" by a fat guy wearing a stained T-shirt and bib overalls. One sign has, "Luke Warm drank my Yoo-Hoo". A couple of "We "Heart Shape" Kent State Krew" by several girls yet to develop breasts and a "Sassy Bitch is NOT gay" by a lady who looks like she hasn't been laid in 54 years, but would like to prove Sassy still 'does' women. Ah yes, BOB fans… witty and intelligent. Cut to the announcer's table with Mike 'the Monotone' Monroe, Scotty Whatbody, and Nurse Heidi.]
Mike Monroe: WELCOME FANS TO THE RETURN OF BOB! It's Gluttons for Punishment, a brand new era here in Brawler's on a Budget and a brand new year!
Scotty Whatbody: Yep, and same old shitty wrestling.
Nurse Heidi: Scotty, that wasn't very nice.
SW: Hey, we're on PPV so I can say shit like 'shitty'. And shit like 'shit'. And the shit doesn't get censored. WHOO HOO!
NH: I see some things never change. You should make a new year's resolution not to swear so much on PPV just because you can.
SW: I have a resolution, but it has nothing to do with BOB shows. It involves you, your loofah, some Cool Whip™, a bathtub, a couple of Korean massage therapists, a block of Colby Jack cheese….
NH: That's quite enough, perv. And let me add that's it's not that much an honor to be working with you again.
MM: (interrupting) Fans! Tonight we'll find out who's going to be crowned the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! 100 combatants of men, women, inanimate objects, freaks, nerds, enigmas, animals, Plants, and everything in between as they battle it out in a TOTALLY * ahem * ORIGINAL rumble of grandiose proportions! They will enter two at a time and will even be allowed weapons! It's going to be a BOB Classik®! And let me say it's great to be back! Scotty, Heidi, great to be working with you guys again, especially for this awesome return to PPV here in BOB.
SW: Yeah, yeah, 'sup Mike? And way to hype the show, Monroe…but why don't you just be honest and tell 'em how bad it's gonna suck and that we hope they still watch after this?
MM: Oh no, this is the NEW BOB! Where our events are actually good and entertaining for a change!
NH: BWAAAA HAAA HAA! Oh, sorry. I thought that was a joke. You were being serious?
MM: Moving right along, I'm sure all you fans are wondering how we got the BOB back from the evil clutches of "Rolindo" McMahon, that bratty kid of Vince that uses his child support money for no goodedness.
SW: Oh yeah, nice word, Mike….
MM: I'm ignoring you, Scotty. So, let's find out how we did it! Fans, here he is, the Head Honcho, The Man, The Owner of Brawler's on a Budget…THE BIG BOSS!
[Everybody looks to the ramp, nothing.]
MM: I said…THE BIG BOSS!
[They look to the ramp again. Sade's "Smooth Operator" begins to play as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants emerges wearing a black leather physician's overcoat with "Suck My Scalpel " embroidered on the back…igniting a chorus of boos. He struts to the ring and grabs a microphone from The Masked Announcer, then shoves him aside as discussed earlier in the pre-event meeting.]
SMP: (as the boos get louder) SHUT UP!
SW: Oh man! The "Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today" is in rare form tonight!
SMP: First of all, the Big Boss isn't coming out here to announce how we got the fed back from Vinny Mac's 'accident' because HE ain't the Boss anymore. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
SMP: Anyway, as I was saying….it seems that all that little McMahon kid wanted was a girl to show up at his birthday party as he stepped from snotty nosed kid to snotty nosed teenager. At Hardcore Polarvizion, he said he was 13 years old… however, he wasn't QUITE 13 yet. And I, being the man that can sniff a dirty plan a mile away… I gave the kid an offer he couldn't refuse. I found out he was still 12, and mentioned to him how great it would be if he could have a fine piece of ass like Nurse Heidi at his birthday party to impress all his stupid little friends. He, of course, jumped at the opportunity…but he had to sign BOB over to ME! That's right, I'm the NEW OWNER OF BOB!
[Crowds boos even louder]
SW: WHAT?! SMP'S BOSS! WHOO HOO!
MM: Heidi, how could you?
NH: You think I liked it?! I'd only do that for Sil, but if I knew what those nasty young pre-pubes had planned for me, I'd never have went. They wanted me to STRIP! Can you believe that, strip! And they were all 12 and 13, what's wrong with the kids in this country?!
SW: How much did you make?
NH: About 400 before the cops showed up…ummmm, nevermind.
[Back to the ring]
SMP: So, as they NEW owner of BOB, I'm ready to make some changes. I have come up with something that is completely of my own design and highly entertaining like nothing else. It is…THE KISS MY BUTT CLUB! You wanna keep your job, then you have to become a certified, card carrying member…AND KISS MY BUTT!
MM: HEY! That's not original.
SW: Sure it is, it's not like he said 'ass' or anything.
SMP: Okay, I'm ready to start with the announce team. Scotty, you wanna keep your job? Then KISS MY BUTT!
SW: What?! After all my years of loyal heel support?!
SMP: Alright, you're exempt… but somebody's kissing my butt. Heidi?
NH: Yeah, right. I've unfortunately seen your butt before and it's something I wouldn't even like to wipe if you were bedridden…
SMP: ENOUGH! Mike, I guess you're the lucky one. Kiss my butt. OR YOU'RE FIRED!
MM: NO WAY! I can make more money mopping the floors at peep shows than I can here. You think I value my job at BOB that much?
SW: Really, you can make good money floor sweeping at peep shows? Do you get to see the films for free? Speak to me, Mike.
SMP: SHUT UP, both of you. Monroe, get up here and KISS MY BUTT! I know you love to work here, so get your ass in this ring, and KISS MY BUTT! KISS MY BUTT! DAMMIT, SOMEBODY IS GONNA KISS MY BUTT! (Mike doesn't move) MONROE, YOU'RE FIRED!
[Crowd boos like really loud and stuff]
SW: WOW! The Doc is serious! Look at him! He really wants someone to kiss that butt of his. This is great! Just do it, Mike, and get it over with, I gotta see THIS! Hurry up before he fires you for real and replaces you with somebody even MORE bland and irritating!
SMP: May I now introduce, Mike Monroe's replacement. Ladies and gentlemen…please welcome…MARK SHILL!
SW: Damn, Mike… you're too slow!
[A frumpy guy walks down the aisle as generic music plays. He looks an awful lot like Tony Schiavone. He joins the now Monroe-less Scotty and Heidi at ringside.]
SW: Hey, aren't you?
SW: You sure look like him. Sorry to hear about the WCW thing, too bad WWF didn't pick you up.
MS: Haven't a clue what you're talking about.
SMP: Okay, who's gonna KISS MY BUTT! SOMEBODY HAS TO KISS MY BUTT! MY BUTT NEEDS KISSING! SOMEBODY KISS IT… RIGHT NOW! Or I'm crackin' skulls.
["Taking Care of Business" begins to play and the place goes nuts as much as it can for such a paltry crowd. The Big Boss swaggers down the aisle and slides into the ring. He stands eye-to-eye with the Sinister Surgeon™….]
BB: SMP, I hate to inform you of something….but you're NOT The Boss around here!
[Crowd goes bonkers]
SMP: That's bullshit. I have the deed right HERE signed by R. McMahon, Esquire. So you can bite me, Stuart. And by the way, YOU'R FIRED!
BB: Nope. Wrong answer. I guess you forgot that a kid that age needs consent from his parents to sign a legal document. A co-signer, if you will. So, what I did, after I found out about your sneaky little plan, I sent Sir Hungalot over to the mother's house and he gave her the night of her life!
[Crowd goes bananas]
BB: And SHE, the ADULT, signed BOB over to me! After she made Rolindo sign it too or be grounded from X-Box, that is. So, I have BOTH their signatures…and all you have is ZILCH!
[Crowds reaches Luke Warm-like pop]
BB: And oh yeah, that scheme you had planned about giving yourself the last number in the rumble to give yourself the best chance at winning the OWTTM? Fugettaboutit, you're in like everybody else! Good luck, you're gonna need it!
[Crowd cheers again and a tight zoom on SMP's face shows his lip quiver, his neck veins bulge, and some other things that indicate being very pissed and upset. The Big Boss leaves the ring and glad hands the crowd as he strolls back up the aisle. SMP is furious]
SMP: DAMMIT! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, BIG BOSS! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! I'LL GET YOU AND MAKE YOU KISS MY BUTT! SOMEBODY IS GONNA KISS MY BUTT!
MS: PLANTS IS IRATE! HE'S BESIDE HIMSELF!
SMP1: (looking to the SMP on his left) Hey, you're a pretty fine looking guy. Ever consider modeling?
SMP2: Me? What about you? Damn, I'm so lucky to be standing beside you. * poof * (SMP2 disappears)
[Crowd starts BUTT-HOLE chant and SMP goes ape-shit, really selling his deranged state of mind. He staggers around the ring and falls through the ropes, threatened to backhand every fan he sees as he stomps back up the ramp. Cut to ringside]
SW: WOW! What a start to the new year! I'm sure we haven't seen the end of The Big Boss/SMP feud!
MS: Is it always this chaotic around here?
NH: You ain't seen nothing yet, honey.
SW: HEY! Masked Announcer is back in the ring! We're getting ready to kick this thing off!
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen, are you prepared? I said, ARE YOU PRE-PARED?! You know the rules, you know what's a stake…. so I'm not going to waste anymore time explaining it. For the 13 watching at home, and the 20 or 30 here tonight…. eat some of BOB's semi-famous flamed broiled wieners, get the 'runs', and ….. LUHHHHHHHHHH-ET YOUR BELLY GRUM-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!
MA: And now…. the man that was drawn first out of THE MEDIUM SIZEDBUCKET™ !
[Eddie B. plays "Y.M.C.A." by the Village People as a man wearing a sailor's suit rushes to the ring to a chorus of boos and "fag" remarks. Hey, it's reality people…. there's some fans out there that would do it. He slides into the ring and pulls out a mop…]
SW: It's Ensign Dick Groper of Don't Ask/Don't Tell! And it looks like he gonna swab the deck!
NH: I bet he knows a lot about swabbing decks…
SW: Did you say swabbing decks or slobbing decks? And I bet he likes big, black decks, too.
MS: THIS IS THE GREATEST SPECTACLE EVER!
NH: You think he ever hand jobbed a deck?
SW: Only if in trouble, those Navy dudes sure know how to punish a guy. Scrubbing a deck by hand must really suck. Hee hee.
NH: Okay, Scoot… you think we've run the gamut of "deck" jokes yet?
SW: I dunno, I think I can come up with one more.
MA: And now! The second unfortunate soul….the man drawn number two!
SW: I wonder if he has a big deck at his house…
NH: That was lame Scotty….
[A man that looks similar to Kevin Sullivan runs down the aisle. He looks like Kevin during his Dungeon of Doom days, complete with the cartoon lightning bolts on his head. He also has a flask in one hand and a painted bike tire spoke in the other. It's safe to say the flask is probably filled with corm mash liquor or something along those lines]
MS: It's The Flaskmaster! The Flaskmaster! The most evil man in wrestling today, fans. And it looks like he's brandishing that infamous Golden Spoke! The Golden Spoke! Oh, this is not for the faint hearted!
SW: Is it too late to get Mike or GBH down here?
NH: I was just thinking the same thing.
MA: LET'S GET IT ON!
SW: Oh, lookit that! Flaskmaster right in there and going to work on Groper! He's tearing him up with that Golden Spoke! Groper already appears to be bloody! WHOO HOO!
NH: Already? That must be a juicing record!
MS: Fans, you'll only see this kind of action in BOB! Only the best action is here, fans! BOB action is FANtastic!
SW: Cut it out, Tony… the NBA's gonna sue us if you keep that up.
NH: Sue us? Get real, Scotty.
MS: Flaskmaster's now trying to roll the seaman…
SW: BWAAA HAA HAAA!
SW: Oh nothing…
MS: Stomping away now at the injured Dick. He's grabbing Dick now…
SW: BWAAAA HAAA HAAAA! Dammit, eliminate the guy already…. my side is hurting!
NH: Flaskmaster with a low blow on Dick…
SW: Can we show THAT on television? I know it's a PPV and all, but…
NH: Not that kind of blow, stupid. Aren't you watching the match?
SW: Why? And be the only one?
[Brief shot of the crowd, many have already began to head for the concession area or the exits]
MS: Groper is back up, hard right hand sends Flaskmaster to the mat. Now Groper's really laying into him with that mop handle! Oh, the carnage! Fans, you won't see this anywhere else!
SW: You can say that again…
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2….ONE!
* air horn sounds *
SW: It's been two minutes already? Man, that was fast…
[A hulkish looking "woman" barrels down the aisle with an industrial sized bottle of growth hormones....
(technical difficulties=disk got hungry and ate some info)
MS:…OH! He just nailed Dick Groper! Groper is stunned… staggering…and falls through the ropes and down to the floor! He's gone! He's gone! Oh, fans… this is the greatest match in the history of our sport!
[Heidi and Scotty exchange concerned glances]
MS: Green going after Flaskmaster and smashes that computer over his head! He now turns to Virago….and freezes in his tracks!
SW: I would too! You know it's bad when a chick makes Chyna look like a woman!
NH: Virago just took the smaller Green and tossed him to the side with one hand, now * ahem * she's gong after Flaskmaster…
MS: And she has that big bottle of steroids!
* THUMP *
SW: That's gonna leave a mark!
NH: She's….man, it's really hard to say that. She's going after Mark Green again, who's slumped over against the ropes…
MS: HE DUCKED! HE DUCKED! Virago over the top after that missed swing and down to the floor! She's gone! She's gone! SHE…IS….GONE!
SW: Heidi, is Virago gone?
NH: I don't know. Mark?
MS: SHE'S GONE! THIS IS WRESTLING AT IT'S FINEST, FANS!
SW: Sorry I asked….OH! Flaskmaster just sent out of there, Green with the schoolboy trip and then a whack upside the head with some Pentium action! Flaskmaster under the bottom rope and he's eliminated…but too bad for Mark Green, he's never gonna last through 96 other entries.
NH: But he can still claim the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Title, Scotty. Remember, you only have to last longer than everybody else to win that, you don't have to win the whole thing. By the way, didn't you enter this?
SW: Yep. I figured if David Arquette could win a World Title, I sure as hell could. I'm a million times better than he is. And I've been assured a very late draw, thanks to my undying devotion to heels and since SMP is running the place, I'm in like Flynn. Look for me around 98.
NH: Scotty, Sil doesn't run the place. You forget already? Big BOSS has it again. We had to go with J's intro because Nate never sent is....
SW: You mean I could get picked at any time? DAMMIT TO HELL! Re-write! Re-write! I wanna re-write! Damn you, Nate!
MS: Who's Nate? Is that the guy coming down the aisle?
* air horn sounds *
[All three look to the ramp]
SW: NO! That's one of the Amish Cowboys…it's "Wild" Isaacius Hickok! And look who's with him!
["How High" by Method Man and Redman plays…the small crowd erupts. For a small crowd, that still ain't saying much. It's about "riding on the bus" loud, know what I'm saying?]
MS: (Scotty's voice) IT'S dOUJA! dOUJA is here! The most decorated wrestler in BOB history! EVER! He's won all the belts!
MS: That's my line, Scotty. See my initials next to that sentence? Do try to read the initials more clearly.
SW: Whatever, dude.
NH: It looks like the Amish Cowboy has become the first victim of not picking his own weapon… what IS that? A sponge?
SW: If it's your loofah, I WANT IT! WHOO HOO!
MS: And douja brings with him a rather impressive bong of some sort.
SW: Hickok is in the ring and he charges right at Green, who ducks, has him up…. atomic drop!
NH: And Isaacius steps right into a douja clothesline, who then follows through and clotheslines "Smart" Mark!
MS: Is that a bong?
SW: YES! It's a bong. And douja's getting ready to use it!
NH: On whom? Green or The Amish Cowboy?
SW: On himself! It's loaded! He's lighting it! Smoke Doggy Dogg is back, baby!
* air horn sounds *
NH: What the hell?
SW: That sure was a fast two minutes!
MS: Well, while you two were jabbering about that smoke guy using illicit drugs on national television… that Flunky person came out here and told me management was scrapping the two minute thing. That would make this match almost 3 and a * hours long….
NH: And that's 3 hours and 20 minutes too long, huh Scooter?
SW: Damn straight! [they high-five]
MS: ANYWAY…they've now decided to have guys come down as often as The Flunky can get the air horn to work. THINGS ARE REALLY GONNA PICK UP! This is the greatest moment in all of wrestling history… and you're seeing it RIGHT HERE, fans….ONLY IN BOB!
SW: Why don't you really hype it up, Mark? And do like those hardcore, serious feds and put about 20 exclamation points behind your sentences?
NH: Here comes Colossal Cranium Chris…and oh no, it's that nasty Beastie Al guy.
MS: Scotty, I have no idea what you're talking about.
SW: Yeah, I know. You're a mark, Mark. HEY! Beastie Al has unleashed a rabid looking mutt! That dog goes right after douja….BWAAAA HAAA HAAAA! He's humping douja's leg! Look at that! He's humping douja's leg! BWAAA HAAA! Oh my God, this is great! This is the greatest event in wrestling history, Mark. You're right! BWAAA HAAA!
NH: Wow, look at him go! If only my past three dates could see this and learn a few things…
MS: That guy with the enormous noggin' just head-butted Hickok to the outside…and douja is having a tough time with Beastie's dog.
douja: YO MAN! Get diss muddah fuckin' dog off my muddah fuckin' leg, yo! What da fuck?! Come 'ere you li'l bitch, and I burn your punk ass with this pipe and shit…
NH: Ummm, we need to crank down the volume on our microphones, I'd hate to think those at home picked up THAT audio. And it's too bad Hickok is gone already, I think he really could have done some damage with that butter churn.
SW: Look at douja go after that dog! This is great! BWAAA HAA HAA! He's humping him again!
NH: Beastie Al caught up with the dog?
SW: NO! The dog's on douja!
NH: Whew! Sorry, I missed it… I'm watching Mark Green choke out Chris in the other corner….
MS: ONLY IN BOB, FANS!
SW: Where's Chris' weapon? He didn't bring a weapon…
NH: I guess his massive head is his weapon, and I should know about massive heads being weapons, ummmmm, but that's another story.
MS: Beastie Al now helping Green try to eliminate Chris, it appears his gigantic cranium has him lodged between the second and third strand…
* air horn sounds *
[The theme from "Sanford and Son" plays briefly. This time a CD aided crowd pop rocks the building]
SW: It's B.F. Sack! And he's brought…what, or who, the hell is THAT?
NH: Looks like Grady, hey…nobody said a person couldn't be a weapon.
MS: So, where's the other guy?
[The Flunky runs down and taps Scotty on the shoulder.]
[The Flunky points to the ring.]
SW: You mean…..
Masked Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scotty Whatbody has been drawn tenth!
NH: Watch out for the pooch, putz.
[Scotty scrambles into the ring carrying his microphone, Beastie Al's pet quickly dismounts douja's thigh and makes a bee-line for Scotty.]
NH: Oh my….this is gonna make me pee in my panties.
[The porno puppy launches itself onto Scotty's leg and gets jiggy with it. The next several minutes has Heidi laughing uncontrollably. Mark tries to get things back on track…]
MS: This….is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my life. This is the MOST BIZARRE thing in wrestling history, fans!
* DOOMP * DOOMP * DOOMP * DOOMP *
NH: Scotty, turn your mic off and stop hitting that dog!
SW: But his red thing is out!
MS: There goes Chris and his big head over the top rope! B.F. Sack and Grady are double teaming douja! Green now moving in cautiously to try and eliminate our colleague and sex slave at the moment. Scotty's still trying to get that horny hound dog off his thigh!
NH: Technically, that's not a hound dog, it's a poodle.…although I agree with the horny part. However, I'm beginning to think that isn't a dog at all and leaning toward jackrabbit.
* air hound sounds *
MS: And here comes two more entries!
NH: But not before Scotty managed to get that dog off him and throw it onto Green, and then Scotty just jumped out of the ring! He eliminated himself! Grady was just eliminated by douja, then Sack turned douja inside out with a clothesline! Here comes our next two now, Mark….
[a man enters wearing an old school Denver Broncos helmet, a large cowboy right behind him carrying a keg of beer]
NH: It's Coma and Blackjack Hooligan! Poor Coma, he must think this is the FootBrawl game we never had. Oh, welcome back, Scotty….
SW: Not a word from you, Heidi. I never want you to speak of this ever again…
NH: Ah, come on… it's not everyday you get raped by a poodle. Have some fun with it.
SW: Shut up. Just…. shut up.
MS: Coma is in, and that cloverleaf cowboy just clobbered douja with that keg! MY GOD! He could have crushed his skull with that shot!
SW: Huh? Let me tell you, douja is so fried right now I bet he didn't even feel it.
NH: Green managed to get that dog off him, and now runs across the ring and spears B.F. Sack! This Green guy is really making a name for himself, how long has he been in there now?
SW: I don't care, just LOOK at my pants!
NH: * pfffffft! *
MS: Coma with a helmet enhanced headbutt! Man, that could have busted Beastie Al right open…
SW: YES! Al's in Approved Blading Position™…. And we have some juice, baby!
NH: Yeah, I can see it on your pants.
SW: SHUDDAP, HEIDI! Dammit! I'll walk right out of here!
MS: Hooligan's tapped his keg, and chugging away! What in the Sam Hell is he doing? He's standing in the middle of the ring with a beer tap in his mouth!
SW: Welcome to BOB, Tony.
NH: And Jack's distraction just bought him a shot to the back of his head courtesy of Sack. Green sent over the tope rope! But he held on….he didn't hit the floor, so he's still alive.
SW: Where's that damn dog at?
NH: Why? You need another fix?
SW: I'm not going to dignify that…
MS: There goes Beastie Al! Sent through the ropes by Green! And now B.F. Sack trying to roll Green over the top rope…Coma sneaks up and rolls Sack over and to the floor! B.F. Sack is eliminated and Green rolls back in! But then gets clocked by Coma's headgear.
SW: Wow, that sure is a fine weapon Coma has!
NH: Sure is, and that isn't even his most lethal weapon (blushes)…
SW: Yeah , I know…. you gutter mind. We all know you did him some time back.
NH: And? What, are you jealous?
NH: Well, maybe I can get his number for you, or find out if he has a dog.
SW: GODDAMMIT! I meant I was jealous because he slept with you! WITH YOU, I SAID!
* air horn sounds *
* air horn sounds *
* air horn sounds *
[Shot of Flunky trying to fix air horn]
NH: You're jealous because he slept with me? I can still get his number for you.
SW: Stop twisting my words around like that! I'm not jealous of him sleeping with you, I'm jealous 'cause you slept with him! Dammit, that makes no sense. I want to sleep with you! There, I said it.
NH: Bow wow.
SW: That ain't even funny.
MS: Here comes (checks format) George of Dead and Dumber, Claude Leroux, A Man that looks a bit like Nixon, Colonel "Pops" Khorne, Flatline, and a Guy that slightly resembles LBJ!
NH: George being rolled into the ring by Flatline, who dragged him down the aisle.
MS: Is that guy……dead?
SW: No comment, but he was just rolled out of the ring and to the floor. He's gone. Ummmm, literally and in more ways than one.
NH: And there goes Hooligan! And Mark Green! He really held out as long as he could, though…fine job by the newbie but he and Blackjack both toppled over the top rope trying to eliminate one another.
SW: What in THE HELL does Flatline have? Is that a t.v?
MS: I was trying to figure out what Leroux had….
MS: Yeah, douja just took it from him and knocked him senseless with it!
SW: Ahhh, douja! If anybody can overcome these odds it's him! The first OWCTM, having won the 64 man single elimination tournament earlier this year during March Madness®. And a damn good heel! WHOO HOO!
NH: But not a good draw for him in THIS one. Anybody could have won that tournament with Duke representing them. A number six draw in a hundred-man battle royal? Not even Coach K's charges can save him now…
MS: Nobody can! He was just sent over the top by "Pops" Khorne!
SW: WHAT?! They were in The Rogue's Gallery together in the STWF! What a turncoat! Stupid Khorne!
NH: At least he didn't hit douja with that Jiffy Pop skillet looking thingee….
SW: So what? douja's a legend around here! The first OWCTM! The only man in BOB to have held EVERY title! I can't believe douja is gone. This sucks!
NH: Look on the bright side, he didn't get humped by a puppy.
SW: Yes he did!
NH: Did he? I forgot already. Well anyway, he didn't as much as you did.
SW: *(^$©#&@()#^®*@)@#^%%!*^@*#@)! How do you like THAT, missy!
NH: Like what? It all got censored, dummy. We do have SOME limits.
SW: Bite me.
SW: STOP THAT!
* air horn sounds *
MS: Good grief…what could possibly be next?
SW: Be careful what you asked for around THIS promotion, buddy….
[A black man runs down the aisle wearing VERY baggy pants and carrying a crowbar. Another man follows, very old and VERY slow]
SW: It's DJ Rawkus and OH MY GOD! That's Captain Twilight! Captain F'N Twilight! That man HAS to be a hundred and eighty years old!
NH: One more stab at glory…truly sad he had to try here. And try now, during THIS. Nice cane he has, though…. should be a formidable weapon. That is, if the old geezer can swing it.
SW: That is if he ever gets TO the ring to swing it! Shit, I could CRAWL faster than that!
NH: Crawl? On all fours? Like a….
SW: DON'T EVEN SAY IT!
MS: Claude Leroux appears to have a pair of clippers and is really doing a number on Rawkus' do. Flatline is over in the corner of the ring…watching television!
SW: But he's watching "Friends", and everybody knows that's "Must See TV"©.
NH: Well, he better stop…there's no 'friends' in the ring right now, this is every man for himself.
[Coma puts himself in Claude Leroux's side headlock as Captain Twilight finally snails to halfway down the aisle.]
MS: Look! Claude Leroux is using Coma for a battering ram! Shades of the Kiwi Sheepherders!
NH: Or The Bush Whackers, depending on when you saw 'em.
SW: Bush Whackers? Those guys never whacked any bush.
NH: And like YOU have.
SW: Hey, I whacked plenty of bush.
[Leroux leads Coma in a headbutt charge as they battering ram 'Pops' Khorne and knock him through the ropes]
MS: There goes Khorne!
MS: And now they've claimed Flatline, who couldn't get out of the way as they went after The Guy that slightly resembles LBJ, who was busy stabbing The Man that looks a bit like Nixon with a cigar!
NH: Cigar? Isn't that the gimmick of The Dude that's a dead ringer for Clinton?
SW: Flatline held on to the bottom rope, though…. and rolls back in.
MS: But Rawkus didn't! He got battering rammed over the top rope! Didn't even get to use his crowbar! This is the most awesome match in the almanac of wrestling history!
NH: (rolls eyes)
* air horn sounds *
[A man in a three piece suit runs down carrying a cell phone, behind him is another man with a grotesque bulge in his frontal area… but he's carrying a blow-up doll. They both run past Twilight, knocking him down in the aisle as they continue and slide into the ring]
SW: It's Bait of the Techie Salesmen from Hell…and The Big Sir Himself, Sir Hungalot!
NH: Hey, did you see Sir H. in "Harry Dick Potter and The Sorcerer's Bone" yet? Check that out, good stuff.
MS: There goes Nixon and LBJ! Both victims of this spur of the moment threesome of Leroux, Coma, and Flatline!
SW: Spur? Those guys have been partners forever.
MS: Really? Then imagine the luck of the draw they had in getting in there together! They could work as a team and really advance in this thing! Really, imagine the odds! What are the odds in that? It hard to fathom.
SW: Call me crazy, but I guess about 3 in 80.
NH: Nice, Scotty. OUCH! Flatline just hammered that t.v. over Sir H's head! Leroux and Coma again with the battering ram eliminates Bait! He didn't last long…
MS: And there goes Hungalot! Thrown out by Flatline, who is now having trouble with Sir H's blow up weapon. WHAT?!
NH: That blow up doll just sent Flatline over the top rope! I've been here a long time… and that was the dumbest thing I've EVER seen here! That was just stupid, even with OUR low standards!
SW: Really, how could Flatline ever face himself in the mirror again after being eliminated from the most important battle royal in BOB's existence by an inflatable love doll?
NH: At least he didn't get molested by a dog. Talk about facing a mirror…
MS: Captain Twilight has entered the ring! Finally! And he finds himself in a two-against-one with Claude Leroux and Coma!
SW: * yawn * This is gonna be good.
[Captain Twilight tosses his cane aside and pulls out a green elbow pad from his trousers. He places it on his right elbow and starts a series of elbow smashes on Claude and Coma… who stand there wobbly legged and absorb about 15 elbow shots each.]
MS: It's the authentic Dusty Rhodes Bionic Elbows of Doom! OH! Flip Flop Fly!
[Twilight twirls his arms and delivers a final double elbow smash… flooring Leroux and Coma. Coma's helmet couldn't even save him. Twilight then clutches his chest and collapses to the mat.]
MS: This place is going berserk! What a night! The greatest night in wrestling history!
[Shot of audience. Sound of chirping crickets can be heard. One man, after a zoom in, appears to be cyanotic.]
SW: Leroux has recovered from the flurry of elbows from Twilight, and now simple rolls the old codger out of the ring. Somebody better call an ambulance, I think Captain T. might have blown an aneurysm!
NH: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the most he's moved in 20 yearsû~¤öë't...
SW: I thought Herb won all the belts at HARDxCORE POLARIVIZION.
NH: That show didn't count for anything. Get real, Scotty.
[Unoriginal Man slides under the bottom strand, drinks some water from a bottle and spits it into the air as a lime green pyro "X" goes off behind him. McKillalot enters right behind him and flattens him with a bagpipe.]
MS: Didn't take Unoriginal Man long to get hammered. McKillalot now with a whip to the turnbuckle… follows in with a tremendous clothesline!
NH: And there goes Unoriginal Man… with a Flair Flop out of the corner. Imagine that…
SW: Leroux and Coma setting up the battering ram again…charges the former champ!
MS: McKillalot lifts the boot right to the top of Coma's helmet! Donald grabs Claude and sends him through the top and middle strand! Claude is out of there!
NH: And there goes Coma! McKillalot is clearing the ring!
SW: Yep! He just ran across and nailed Unoriginal Man again with that bagpipe! UM takes a header and rolls under the bottom rope… Big D. stands alone! Bastard!
* air horn sounds *
MS: Coma did well, but I think Green still has him beat for the Hardcore Title. Lasting I think 6 guys longer than Coma did. We'll check.
SW: YOU'LL check. I'm watching who's coming in next…
NH: It's Rear Admiral Ben Dover, the other * of Don't Ask/Don't Tell….AND SGT. GENOCIDE! Former STWF Intergalactic Champion! The longest reigning champion ever in the STWhiff!
SW: Oh yeah, and a damn good heel. This is gonna be awesome, the longest reigning IG Champ and the longest reigning OWCTM! And then, Ben Dover.
NH: You wish.
NH: That I'd bend over.
SW: No argument on that one. WHOO HOO!
MS: There goes Ben Dover!
SW: CRAP?! Already? Did he even get in the ring?
NH: Do we care? We have a lot of guys left to see yet…
MS: It's official, Ben Dover WAS in the ring…. as evidence by that "Playgirl"™ magazine in there.
SW: What?! Okay, he was looking for paper cuts then, huh?
NH: Again, I don't care… just grab the magazine for me, will ya?
MS: Sgt. Genocide now beginning to wail away on McKillalot! THIS IS THE MOSE AWESOME DISPLAY OF….
SW: Can it, Tony. McKillalot with a DDT! Out of nowhere! He grabs Genocide's weapon, which looks to be a…what the hell is THAT?
NH: (thumbing through magazine) It's a penis, Scotty. If it wasn't for that pot-belly of yours maybe you'd know what one looks like. Stuffed yourself over the holidays again, didn't you?
SW: GIMME THAT! (throws magazine)
* air horn sounds *
NH: HEY! I was looking at that!
SW: LOOK! It's The Snapmare Kid! And drum roll please….* ahem * Xamfir, that jobber friend of Sarah The Jobber.
NH: Jobber Slayer, Scotty.
SW: Yeah, if you say so. I think that whole group is full of jobbers….OH!
MS: Genocide with "The Eliminator" on McKillalot! Or was it "The Exterminator"? Scotty, a little help? Scotty?
SW: Hey little fella, I can still see you….HUH? (zips pants). Ummmm, yeah, that was it. Look at Snapmare Kid, he has chloroform!
NH: And Donald has had his bag ripped.
[Scotty and Mark wince].
NH: Xamfir just hit Genocide with McKillalot's bag, and ripped a hole right in it.
SW: PLEASE! Describe it another way, or say bagPIPE at least. Please stop saying ripped bag, it's gross and very upsetting for a man to hear.
NH: You know, that reminds me of one time when I was working graveyard in the ER, and this guy came in after a freak fishing accident, got the hook caught…
SW: STOP RIGHT THERE!
MS: Kid has Genocide in a "sleeper"! A real one! That rag sure is coming in handy.
SW: Just think, if Dennis would've have said that, it would have been something like "that bloody rag sure is coming in handy".
NH: Oh, who's being gross now?
* air horn sounds *
SW: Is that a pan flute?
NH: No, that's a skin flute.
SW: GIMME THAT! (throws away magazine again)
MS: It's Kurt Angel…and what….in ….the…..hell…..is …..THAT?
[A deranged looking man is seen being carted to the ring in a wheelbarrow.]
SW & NH: IT'S THATGUY!
MS: What guy?
SW & NH: THATGUY!
MS: What guy?
SW & NH: THATGUY!
MS: Okay, let's all pick on the "new" guy. Very funny, ha ha.
NH: ThatGuy is in the ring as The Wheel-Barrow Man makes his exit. Snapmare Kid has sent Xamfir into la-la land courtesy of that chloroform and rolled him out. He now rolls out Genocide! Kid's cleaning house….
SW: OOOOOOH! But McKillalot just waffled Snapmare Kid in the back with a running knee! ThatGuy has Kurt Angel! Could it be? COULD IT BE?! YES! HIDEOUS FINGER BITE! HE HAS IT LOCKED!
NH: Kurt better think of something quick before he's minus a digit, ThatGuy will swallow it right down!
MS: Kurt's reaching into his 'Old Glory' tights….he's spraying that weird guy with, what is that? Lemon Pledge?
SW: Kurt didn't pick a weapon, I see. And now ThatGuy CAN'T see! Who'd have dreamed being lazy and getting a stupid weapon like wood furniture polish from BOB HQ actually saved the man's finger?! Incredible!
NH: Yeah, we're full of surprises. * yawn * Where's that Playgirl?
* air horn sounds *
MS: Okay, who are THESE two?
SW: Are you kidding? Dude, that's Brestlav Plee and 14 time Gay Nation Wrestling Federation champion Choads Moker!
NH: Is it just me, or are we in overabundance of nerds and homosexuals in this promotion?
SW: Hey! Brestlav's not gay! Czech Plees!
MS: Who threw that guy out?
NH: ThatGuy is still in there….
MS: No, I meant that guy.
NH: He's still in the ring. Right there…
MS: NO! That guy!
SW: Point, you idiot!
MS: HIM! (points to floor)
SW: Oh, Kurt Angel has been eliminated. And so are his hopes of getting out of BOB anytime soon. He has to win the OWTTM to get out of here, right? Isn't that his gimmick, other than supposedly being an angel?
NH: Yeah, whatever….something like that. Kid and Donald are grappling over in the corner…Plee now trying to help get McKillalot out. Choads Moker now working on ThatGuy with his weapon of choice… which looks to be a, oh God…I can't say THAT on television.
SW: Oh, come on… we've said worse. I wanna hear you say it…it'll be sexy coming from you.
NH: Nope. I'm not gonna do it.
SW: Come on, wimp!
NH: I said NO, Scotty.
SW: Alright, I will then, ya wussy. Yes fans, Choads Moker is in fact, choking ThatGuy with a *air horn sounds *
NH: Great timing, Scooter.
SW: Dammit! I said a * air horn sounds * CRAP!
MS: Here comes (checks format) Scott Sickly and who's that other guy?
NH: That's Sculder of The Agency!
SW: And right behind him is the most blatant character rip-off since Unoriginal Man….THE DOMINO!
[The Rock's music plays as The Domino runs to halfway down the aisle and executes a very familiar "eyebrow" lift. He then runs to and slides in the ring.]
NH: But one more should be coming. OH…..MY….GOD. See ya in a few (she runs off)
MS: Where's she going…..?
SW: NO! It's Stinkbutt Nastyass! Stinkbutt Nastyass! He's in the ring!
* FRAAAAAAAAP, poot, FRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPF! *
SW: OH YEAH! That's REALLY gonna leave a mark! Man, that sounded wet!
MS: Yes, I do believe a 'dookie check' is in order after that one.
SW: And the ring clears, baby!
MS: My God, the Snapmare Kid just chloroformed himself! I guess being unconscious is better than getting a whiff of Stinkbutt's vapors. Wow, there's actually a green mist in the ring….
SW: Yeah, they loved this guy in Japan. Wrestled as The Great Poota for a spell. Sculder is gone! There goes ThatGuy! And McKillalot! The former champ couldn't even take it! Brestlav Plee heads for cleaner air! There goes Moker! And Domino! And Scott Sickly…but not before he hurled! Although it's hard to tell if it was caused by Stinkbutt, or if he was just being sickly. * sniffs * Ummm, yeah….it was Stinkbutt's fault. Mark, you wouldn't happen to have an Air Wick on ya, would ya?
MS: No, unfortunately I'm all out at the moment….my goodness! He must've had deviled eggs for the last 15 meals! *cough* *dry heave*
SW: (close up on Scotty, he has his shirt pulled up over his nose and mouth) And look at the Kid! Before he knocked himself out, he handcuffed himself to the bottom rope! He lay there unconscious, and Stinkbutt can't roll him out! Going to Yale paid off for Kid! What a genius!
MS: But now Nastyass is trying to unscrew the turnbuckle, he's going to get Billy out of there one way or another….
* air horn sounds *
SW: Hit it again, Flunky…maybe it'll blow the stench away….
MS: Yeah, and hurry… the first three rows have cleared out already!
SW: Nice try, but they were leaving before Stinkbutt even got out here.
* air horn sounds *
[Heidi returns wearing a gas mask]
NH: HE'S still here? Glad I packed this thing.
SW: GIMME THAT MASK!
NH: No way! Hey, it's Insano Mano!
SW: Look at that! He's not even getting in the ring!
IM: Me insano, si. Me no loco, esse.
MS: Insano Mano? Doesn't that loosely translate to…?
SW & NH: YES!
["Stuff Breaking" is heard, followed by an incredibly loud crowd pop, much too loud for this gathering, but oh well….]
SW & NH: IT'S LUKE WARM!
SW: WHAT THE HELL?!
NH: Calm down, Scotty… J just switched to another disk because the other one was a piece of shit and ate up half our show.
MS: Luke Warm is in the ring!
SW: He has Stinkbutt….STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! Good thing Mike wasn't here, he always hogs that and I never get to say it!
NH: I just hope the force of that * ahem * STONECUTTER! didn't shake anything loose from Nastyass' nasty ass…
MS: Why do you yell, stonecutter?
SW: HEY! You can never just simply say "stonecutter". You have to say it like this…STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! Even if he does just one. Come on, Tony…you were the MASTER of over exaggerating seemingly harmless finishers…. get with the program , dude. I can tell you're a little rusty and all after the WCW layoff, but you're a natural, buddy. It'll come back.
* air horn sounds *
MS: My name is NOT Tony.
SW: Not anymore * winks *.
NH: Luke is now trying to get the Snapmare Kid off that rope where he handcuffed himself as former Whatever Wrestling Federation Champion Roy D. Rage comes down the aisle….and the other Techie Salesman from Hell is right behind him.
SW: Which one? Bait or Switch?
NH: I don't know, all the info was on the other disk and J is too lazy to look it up. So, I guess it's Switch.
MS: Who is J? And what disk? What are you people talking about?
SW: Just read your lines and don't worry about it, junior.
NH: Roy D. Rage is in the ring, he has an authentic Indiana Jones replica bull-whip! Oh mercy, things are going to get messy now….
SW: STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! *ahem * Ahhhh, maybe not. Roy is quickly rolled out by Luke, Switch is in with a (don't call me Mike Rotundo) V.K. Wall Street Journal! STONECUTTER!
MS: MY GOD! He flipped over the top rope! He flipped over the top rope! I've never, fans….you'll never see ANYTHING like this EVER again! EVER! NEVER! NEVER EVER!
NH: I think Tony got his groove back….
SW: I thought that was Stella.
NH: Lame, Scotty….
* air horn sounds *
[A really stupid looking guy jobs, I mean….jogs down the ramp-way aisle, and following him is a slant eyed Mexican. No slur intended.]
SW: It's Lenny! The Dumber part of Dead and Dumber….and STWF legend Pedro Chang the Chinese Spic!
NH: Lenny falls victim to not choosing his own weapon and is brandishing a G.I. Joe action figure…
SW: But it's one of those with the Kung Fu™ grip! That can cause some serious damage!
MS: What does Chang have?
SW: Ummmm, looks like a stale burrito tied to the end of a Ramen noodle…but ya know, if he swings he right, it could work.
MS: I'm guessing he didn't pick his own weapon, either.
SW: Nah, I think he actually picked that.
NH: STONECUTTER! And there goes Lenny!
SW: STONECUTTA! You like that? STONECUTTA! And the Chinese Spic just got….just got….
NH: Come on, Scotty…I know you're working up a real doozy of a racial barb.
SW: Can't do it. Geocities will get pissed.
NH: You just can't think of anything….
* air horn sounds *
MS: Okay, here comes something called Birdboy…and (squints at card) Rick Sickly.
SW: Ah yes! Former Whatever Wrestling Federation mainstay and the other half of those puking partners!
NH: Luke's still busy trying to get the Kid off that rope…
SW: If The Snapmare Kid wins this thing handcuffed to a ring rope…I'm going to have to say that of all the retarded things that's ever happened in this promotion, that would have been the MOST retarded.
NH: Not gonna happen! Luke just grabbed the ringpost!
SW: STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! HE STONECUTTERED THE RINGPOST! And there it goes! It fell over! And there goes Kid!
NH: And a new most retarded thing to ever happen in this promotion.
MS: STONECUTTER! Add Birdboy.
SW: My turn….STONECUTTER! And Rick Sickly's gone, who probably shouldn't have been here anyway with that horrible case of diarrhea, but hey…he's a trooper.
NH: (staring at format) Okay, how many more guys does Luke get to STONECUTTER before this thing gets somewhat competitive again?
SW: (looking at his sheet) About six I think. Mark?
MS: (holding paper up to the light) Sounds about right…
SW: Flip page, anyone?
NH: Works for me. (all three turn their formats over)
SW: Wait a minute! Nobody will know what happened!
NH: I'll paraphrase: Too Fat Matt of "Too Lame" and Fanboy were Luke's next victims. Fanboy's jelly donut weapon was of little use. And Matt showed us his "worm". Cute little thing it was, too. Maybe I'll call him sometime. Anyway, Colossal Cranium Chris' partner, Head Zepplin, led the way into STONECUTTERVILLE next followed by "Universal Donor" "Cap", Al Larrie. Neither Head's upside down cake nor Larrie's soggy Froot Loop could offer any defense for Warm's STONECUTTER and it was obvious to us all except for a couple gentlemen in the balcony that both men did not choose their own weapon. Jan Plee of Czech Plees and Massawa of the Dungeon of Dumb were STONECUTTER fodder numbers thirteen and fourteen….and that WAS counting the ringpost. It is also to be clarified that the ropes are sagging badly from the downed post, as if THAT wasn't obvious. That, I do believe, brings Luke to have encountered fourteen men total in the ring, tying him with The Snapmare Kid, but three shy of 'Smart' Mark Green for contention of the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Title. And that brings us to…the 51st and 52nd selections….
* air horn sounds *
[Sade's "Smooth Operator" plays briefly. Boos follow.] SW: IT'S SMP! Silaconne M. Plants, the owner is here! And man, does he and Luke have a past or what?! This'll be awesome! WHOO HOO!
NH: But hold on… Sil has to be a jerk first and has a mic. And he's NOT the owner, dummy. Okay? I'm just wondering what evil scheme he has planned now.
SW: OF COURSE! He's "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today"! You know he has some kinda underhanded plan!
SMP: (holding a tiny green box as he enters the ring and begging off from an approaching Luke) Hold up there, Luke. I know we go way back…but do you remember when we were doing that "Mama'z Boyz" thing and I was bone dipping your sister? (crowd boos) Well, if you STONECUTTER me and throw me outta here… I know Brianne still has the hots for me, you eliminate me and I'm going to ask her to marry me! (crowd boos) So, roll your dumbass out of this ring right now, and I'll just keep sticking my wick with no strings attached. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD! But, you toss me out… I'll marry her and make your life a virtual hell! (drops mic and stands there mugging for crowd that continues to boo him, just before a chant of STONECUTTER starts)
MS: What's Luke gonna do?! THIS IS INTENSE FANS!
NH: Oh no, Luke is stepping over to the ropes….don't do it LUKE!
SW: How can you cheer against your longtime stable mate and BOB owner like that?
NH: Shut up, Scotty. Don't do it Luke!
MS: He's getting out of the ring! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, FANS!
SW: Where's the other draw?
NH: Chill, Scotty…let the tension build. You've forgotten everything about commentary haven't you?
SW: Hey, you gut trout down at "One Eyed Larry's Fish 'N Chips" for six months and see how much YOU remember!
MS: Luke is on the floor! He's eliminated! (crowd boos as Plants grabs the mic again)
SMP: Hey, 'tard boy… I'm gonna marry her anyway! BWAAA HAA HAAA!
SW: Luke's back in the ring! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER!
[Luke then mounts a non-sag turnbuckle, produces a bottle of Yoo-Hoo® out of thin air and guzzles it like a madman. The arena is in a frenzy as he lets some dribble down his chin and onto his chest before he gives his trademark "two-thumbs up" and leaves the ring.]
MS: Plants has a non-sarcastic "eyes rolling up in his head" look! I think he's out cold! He's an easy elimination for whomever was to enter the ring with him...
[The lights go out and the place goes nuts. Flunky replaces a fuse and the lights return. Crowd moans. Then, the erupt again as "See You in Hell, Don't Be Late" by Yngwngiiinwwe Malstreemnaofid plays. Bobo Q. Fiendish slowly lumbers down the aisle.]
SW: HOLY FULLAH SHIITE! It's Bobo! I'm outta here!
NH: Ya wuss, you've already been eliminated anyway..he can't do anything to you.
SW: Yeah, he better be glad I'm already out or I'd have kicked his ass.
NH: Sure, Scotty.
MS: Plants is coming around...
[SMP sees Bobo coming down the aisle and immediately jumps out of the ring and hightails it over the Flimsy Guardrail®. He then runs through the crowd like a frightened schoolgirl, before being speared and beaten unmercifully by an old lady wearing a 99.4% Luke-Hoo shirt. Bobo stands in the ring, looking scary and shit. I realize disembodied narrators seldom curse, but what the hell? It's a PPV goddammit.]
SW: SMP didn't last long, and what idiot would enter the ring against Bobo?! Even TWO idiots?
NH: Well, there has to be somebody out there that wants the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS worse than Fiendish. In fact, I think Bobo could care less about the title, he probably just wants to maim somebody, which is perfectly fine by me. I'm not going to stop him.
* air horn sounds *
MS: We're about to find out!
[They look to the ramp]
* ahem * air horn sounds *
SW: You said that already, narrator boy!
[I know I did]
NH: You don't think....
* air horn sounds *
MS: What's going on? Somebody fill me in...
SW: I dunno! Narrator?
[The Flunky comes down with a memo and hands it to Scotty]
SW: (opens folded memo) Okay, the following people have withdrawn from this contest due to, and I quote, "Ain't no fucking way I'm getting in there with Bobo."
"Universal Donor "Art Teery
Hector "Crude" Oil
Dizzy Desi of the STWF Circus Freaks
"Backboard" Barry Brown of The Ambulance Jockeys
The Fire Chief
Identity Crisis Man
Garry "the Gurney" Green of The Ambulance Jockeys
and Slightly Gay Ray of Too Lame
Okay, that's it.
NH: What?! All those guys refused?
SW: Yep, signed a petetion and everything!
MS: That's 15 entries Bobo eliminated without even laying a hand on any of them! That's two short or "Smart" Mark for the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore title!
* air horn sounds *
NH: Why bother with that horn?
SW: WAIT! Somebody's coming out!
["Enter Sandman" by Pat Boone plays, the old time marks erupt]
SW: IT'S "SOFT CORE" ZACK!
[Zack sprints to the ring with a soiled sports supporter on his right hand]
NH: And he has MR. JOCKO!
Zack: (in muppet voice as he grabs Shill's mic running by the announcer's table) "HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS!" (drops mic and enters ring.)
SW: He's in the ring! And Bobo's getting a face full of aromatherapy!
NH: That's nasty. There's pee stains on that thing for Christ's sake!
MS: Bobo is rolling out! Zack has chased Fiendish from the ring! Incredible! It's incredible, fans!
NH: * yawn *
*air horn sounds *
SW: Here comes Justin Voss! And Li'l Peppy Polar!
Peppy: Fuch dat, esse.
MS: Well, so much for Peppy. He's out as soon as he's in.
SW: Justin is reaching for something...
NH: Oh no, it that's evil Oliver Copp idol that Mittens gave him. I don't think even Zack can stand up to that.
SW: WAIT! He's reaching into his back pocket....and it's empty! Voss forgot that BOB is an Oliver Copp-Free Zone! He can't use that idol here!
NH: I thought that meant "no simulators used because they're crap"....
SW: Hey, a Copp-Free Zone is a Copp-Free Zone is a Copp-Free Zone, baby! Justin looks confused that his weapon has evaporated, MR. JOCKO STRIKES AGAIN!
NH: And there goes Voss...
* air horn sounds * MS: It's the Pencil Necked Geek from the STWF and Streetmime II from the ST....
SW: Shhhhh, he's from BOB.
MS: But it says here that he's from....
SW: He's still under contract there, just say he's from BOB and avoid some legal stuff.
MS: Works for me....
NH: PNG tries to subdue Zack with a web cam, oh look...he's doing some old "Hollywood Blondes" thingee and pantomimes taking Zack's picture!
SW: Streetmime II not too happy with that, as it appears HE also brought a camera! Albeit a fake, mime one. Streetmime II nailed Geek with a spinning heel kick, a REAL one! And now he tosses PNG over the top rope! Streetmime II actually eliminated somebody!
NH: Miracles never cease....
* air horn sounds *
SW: Okay, Streetmime II and Zack in the ring, and now they're about to be joined by....who is that? It's J.C. Long! And...."Buffalo" Ignacius Cody of The Amish Cowboys!
SW: YEEE HAW! Amish Cowboys are almost as cool as Amish Bowlers. Almost. Hey, Heidi, did you ever see Kingpin? Remember that time when....
NH: Shut up, Scotty...
SW: The frigde scene? Remember that cold air?
NH: Shut up, Scotty...
MS: FANS! Flucky is telling me we have to break for an intermission! An intermission!
NH: Okay, we'll break for a brief commercial. Stay tuned fans, there's more to come unfortunately!
Commercial: KEEP PAYING FOR OUR PPV!
NH: Scotty? Scotty….? Ohhhh, Scotty….WAKE UP!
SW: WHAT?! Shit, don't do that! (wipes his chin of drool) I almost pissed my pants, and you ruined a damn good dream.
NH: A dream, huh?
SW: Oh yeah! You see…you and I were on a deserted island with nothing but a coconut tree with this bizarre branch, the kind that was perfect for this pair of handcuffs I had…
MS: Coconut trees have branches? Since when…
SW: Shuddap, Mark, don't spoil my moment. Anyway, I handcuffed you to the tree and….
NH: Scotty, I really don't want to hear this. Besides, the rumble is about to start again, Streetmime II and 'Soft Core' Zack are in the ring…and I believe J.C. Long and (checks sheet) Well, I can't read it…Scotty, your drool has smeared my format. Mark? What does yours have on it?
MS: I have Long and….ummm, I can't read mine, either. I've been doodling to pass time and stuff during the intermission, so mine is covered with doodle.
NH: Doodle is better than drool! Scotty, look at your format and see who's joining Long, Zack, and Streetmime II…
SW: Like I care. Let the Masked Announcer surprise us. Take it away, M.A.!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! (the camera pans the "arena", there's about two hobos left crowded around a barrel with a fire in it) And now, the intermission is OVER! Once again….LET'S GET IT ON!
[Zack walks over to the corner and kicks Streetmime II, who was rolled up in fetal position getting a nap. They couldn't leave the ring or face elimination, 'cause once you get in, if you leave, you're gone. So, they've been in there the entire intermission. Will it work to their favor? Or hinder their advancement? Does it matter? No. Who the hell am I talking to? * ahem * Zack puts away his deck of cards and begins pummeling Streetmime II…as two men run down the aisle.]
SW: It's gonna be 'Buffalo' Ignatius Cody joining J.C. Long! Okay, now that my fake enthusiasm has worn off…who the hell is Ignatius Cody?
NH: He's the other Amish Cowboy.
MS: Man, your attention span is shorter than Heidi's skirt. Not that I'm looking or anything…
SW: Right! You liar!
NH: J.C. Long is in the ring with what appears to be a championship title of some kind….Cody doesn't appear to have brought anything with him.
SW: Yeah he did! Look, he's pulling it out of his jeans!
NH: REALLY?! Is he doing a "Too Fat Matt"? Come on, baby, let's see that worm! (sits up straight and stares into the ring)
SW: Cripes! Calm down, will ya? And you always accuse ME of being some horny, out of control nympho?
[In the ring, Cody pulls about a three-foot long, cylindrical piece of wood from his trousers. Heh, I said 'wood'.]
NH: Is THAT all it was? I thought he was just really happy to be here.
MS: What IS…. that?
SW: It's a horse drawn buggy tire spoke! But it's not golden! And it's about the size of a…
NH: Oh my…that thing looks like a baseball bat! Cody not a stranger to throwing the lumber, look at him swing that thing!
MS: Zack took a shot to the small of his back, and Streetmime II now getting the Amish beatdown. OH! Long interrupts 'Buffalo's' mo with a cranium blast with that title.
SW: Title? That ain't a championship! It has PCW on it, for Christ's sake! That fed is even MORE pathetic than this one! It's probably made out of tin foil!
NH: So? Isn't the OWTTM wrapped in tin foil?
SW: NO! We use Reynold's Wrap™! And everybody knows Reynold's Wrap™ is not everyday, common use tin foil!
NH: Whatever, Scotty…(rolls eyes)
MS: Cody looks to be stunned! Long now trying to maneuver the man out of the ring. Zack has 'Mr. Jocko' again and is moving in towards Long! Streemime II can only lay motionless on the mat….it's his only defense.
* air horn sounds *
SW: No rest for the weary! Or is that 'for the wicked'? (looks at format) Goddamn drool!
MS: Ignatius takes another shot from J.C., and it looks like the Amish Cowboy has lost his wood!
NH: Hate when that happens….
SW: Wouldn't happen to me…
MS: Alright now you two….OH! Zack cuts J.C. off as he moved in on Cody! 'Mr. Jocko' claims another victim! That soiled jock strap getting shoved right down Mr. Thursday Night's gullet!
NH: And finally, our next two entries are on their way….
MS: J.C. might yak before they get there! Zack's really stuffing that jock!
NH: Probably not the first time…
SW: You're right! He got Bobo earlier…
NH: I was speaking in a different context, Scotty. Just skip it, its way over your head…
[Cut to the ramp, a large Undertaker-type barrels down the aisle, followed by a dirty man in stained hospital attire, dragging a box behind him that has "Helena" scrawled on the side]
Spooky Voice Over: "AFTER I STEAL YOU SILK BOXERS, FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT YOUR FRUIT OF THE LOOMS, BUM RUSH YOUR BVD'S, OR CONFISCATE YOUR COTTON BRIEFS…YOU'LL HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE, BUT TO……DRESS…..IN……FLEECE!"
SW: HOLY UNDEROOS! Through white sales and flea market bargains…it's The Undietaker!
NH: Hold up…who in their right mind would buy underwear at a flea market? That's nasty.
MS: What?! The underwear there IS NOT clean? Ummmm, not like I get mine there or anything…uh-rah, yeah.
SW: And Necro Phil is coming to the ring with Undie, and he's bringing "Helena"! Or at least parts of her!
NH: Ya know, as long as I've known that guy….I never found out what he had in that box.
SW: Haven't you ever seen "Boxing Helena"? Where that psycho dude dismembers a chick and carries her torso around in a box?
NH: Nope, 'fraid I missed that one.
MS: You're kidding, right? Please tell me that guy doesn't have a torso in that box.
SW: Nah, Phil didn't want to totally steal the gimmick…he has severed limbs in his.
NH: Oh, that's SO much better….
MS: I think I'm going to be sick. And here I thought The Latino World Order was disgusting. Silly me.
SW: Undietaker going right after Streetmime II, LOOKOUT! He's grabbing the mime around the neck…now dipping his other hand into Streetmime II's trousers, he has him by the underwear band! WEDGIE AIDED CHOKESLAM FROM HELL!
MS: And that Phil guy has pulled an….oh my God. IT'S AN ARM! IT'S AN ARM!
NH: Relax…its a mannequin's arm. I hope.
SW: Necro Phil just teed off on Ignatius, and walloped him Sammy Sosa-esque upside the head! Now he's placing the mannequin's hand around Cody's throat and choking him out with it!
MS: Fans, I promise…YOU WILL NEVER SEE ACTION LIKE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE!
NH: Long has finally wrestled free from Zack and 'Mr. Jocko'…and now he runs across the ring and leaps onto The Undietaker's back. Streetmime II is on the floor, although I didn't see who eliminated him.
SW: Doesn't matter, he's gone! And there goes Cody over the top! Phil just eliminated "Buffalo".
NH: Is Phil from Dallas?
SW: And you say I have weak jokes? The Cowboys and Bills haven't played in a SuperBowl in almost 10 years!
NH: Hey, I don't make 'em up…I just read 'em.
* air horn sounds *
MS: I'm almost too scared to look….
SW: Hey, I just thought of something….wasn't Da Sassy Bitch supposed to bring the PCW title thing? Why does Long have it?
NH: Hello? Aren't they the same guy?
SW: No way! If they were…then how is Da Sassy Bitch coming to the ring!
NH: By jove, you're right…
Dennis: (over the P.A. system) QUIT STEALING MY LINES!
NH: Sorry, man. Take a Valium why don't cha?
MS: Dat Sassy Bitch dude sure is running fast to the ring! And who's coming out now? What is that? A Frankenstein?
NH: Nope, that's Sasquatch from the Dungeon of Dumb.
MS: Then why does he look like….
SW: NEVER MIND!
MS: Just asking…
SW: Some things are best left a mystery…like Sassy Bitch's true sexual preference for instance. Some say he's gay, most say he's gay, there's an "office pool" in the back that's up to about 23 dollars that says he's gay, and he says….
DSB: (from the ring) I'M NOT GAY!
NH: Wow! Sassy was leaning a little too close to the ropes when he yelled that at you, Scotty…and was just eliminated by Sasquatch! He might have just beaten Ben Dover's record for quickest out.
SW: Nah, I think Insano Mano wins that….he didn't even get in the ring to confront Stinkbutt Nastyass' fart.
MS: Yeah, and then there was all those other guys that refused to even come down the aisle when Bobo was in there.
NH: Okay, okay….
MS: There goes Undietaker and Zack!
SW: Yeah, I saw that! It appears UT was trying to steal 'Mr. Jocko' for his perverted fetish, and Zack wouldn't give 'him' up…they both just tumbled out of the ring on the slumped side that was caused earlier by Luke's rampage.
* air horn sounds *
NH: And here we go again…
SW: OH YEAH! It's that hot chick that hangs around Sarah the Jobber Slayer. Its Kay Fabe! And uh-oh…hide the women and children! It's Terra Rism! Abdullah Fullah Shiite is with him, too!
NH: * sigh * Viet Kong and "Charlie" sure did take a turn for the worst, didn't they? What a lame ass gimmick.
MS: Who is THAT?
[A man in a suit also comes down the aisle…a man that looks a lot like Joey Styles. He joins the announce team at ringside as Kay rolls under the bottom rope of a non-sag corner. Terra Rism and Fullah Shiite also jump in, but are immediately swarmed by Phil, J.C., and Sasquatch and both are sent through the ropes.]
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: Hey, I thought you only come out with Sarah.
Styles: OH MY GOD! You're right!
[He runs off]
NH: That sure was stupid…
MS: And Sasquatch was just eliminated by Long! Sasquatch didn't even get to use his platform shoes! OH! Necro Phil just way-laid J.C. with that fake (?) arm. And what's Kay doing?
SW: Me later tonight, I hope! WHOO HOO!
NH: Shut up, Scotty. And besides, I don't think she'd be interested…she's lesbian.
SW: REALLY?! SWEET! Hey, maybe you could pick her up then and I'd hide out in your closet and watch…
NH: I'm ignoring you, typical male.
MS: Look at Kay! She's going into a trance!
SW: Oh boy…I've heard about this! She's conjuring up the evil spirits of dead wrestlers to aid her in victory! Who could it be? What could it be? I sure hope it ain't Dino Bravo.
[Camera zooms in on Kay as J.C. and Phil stand by bewildered. Kay's boots fly off, her once beautiful red hair is replaced by an unwashed mullet…one arm grows to steroid enhanced proportions while the other becomes as thin as Olive Oyl's.]
SW: HOLY SHIT! She's summoned the Von Erichs!
NH: Then why is she bare foot? Kevin's not dead…
MS: Might as well be…
SW: J.C. and Phil better skin outta there! If Kay's become the Von Erichs, there's a ninety percent chance she's packing heat or tranquilizers! Run Phil! Run J.C.! Run for your lives!
NH: You've sunken to an all new low, Whatbody. I can't believe you said that about the guns and pills…
SW: Ah, what the hell? It's a PPV dammit!
MS: Fabe with a discus punch and floors Phil as he moved in on her. Here comes Long walking right into a….
SW: VON ERICH BRAIN CLAW! Kay has it locked! Phil is back up…she has her other hand ready. DOUBLE VON ERICH BRAIN CLAW!
NH: For some reason, the words Von Erich and brain don't go together...
* air horn sounds *
NH: Well, while we wait to see who's coming to the ring…it appears Kay's Kerry Von Erich sized right arm is really squeezing the life out of 'Mr. Thursday Night', but that Mike Von Erich sized puny extremity has allowed Phil to wiggle free…just in time to meet….
[They look to the aisle. A cheer from no less than 3,000 junior high school females that just entered the building erupts as Brandon of the Kent State Krew charges towards the ring carrying his cat, Tigress. Speaking of things that begin with "tig", right behind him, accompanied by a gargantuan pop from regular fans, that filed in just in time, thanks to a web site spilling his "secret" number/random (?) draw. IT'S THE TIGER! Meanwhile, in the ring, J.C.'s forehead has been * ahem * ripped apart by the sheer might of a Von Erich Claw and Necro Phil is beating Kay across the back with that ummmm, mannequin arm…with no effect.]
SW: It's Brandon. AND THE TIGER! THE TIGER! THE TIGER! The first ever two-time STWF Intergalactic Champion! He's a legend, and a baby face….so he sucks. Despite his record.
NH: Well, you can't argue with what the man has accomplished. And it looks like he's bringing Cletus the Enhanced Cattle Prod™…the very weapon that allowed him to win the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl that captured his first I.G. title!
SW: And Brandon's bringing a pussy!
MS: Pardon me?
SW: He has a pussy for a weapon!
NH: Jim? Oh you meant the cat, Tigress.
SW: Damn right! What weapon could be more lethal to any man? What man can withstand the power of pussy?
NH: "A" pussy, Scotty. If you're gonna twist it around to be naughty…at least make it sound somewhat like you're talking about the cat.
SW: Come on, Heidi…that'll ruin all my fun!
MS: Brandon just speared Necro Phil, and The Tiger goes after Kay Fabe.
SW: And look, The Tiger is using his uncanny wit to try and break Kay Fabe!
Tiger: Wrestling is scripted.
Kay: No it isn't.
Tiger: Sure it is. And wrestlers don't hate each other as they perceive on television or even at house shows. In fact, a lot of them are very good friends and occasionally hang out.
Kay: That's is simply not true. Wrestling is real.
Tiger: Is not.
Kay: IS TOO!
SW: OHHH! Brandon tossed Tigress onto The Tiger! Tigress versus Tiger! CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! Meow, meow! I can't believe that in all this time, nobody ever made fun of The Tiger because of his name…isn't a tiger the female? Shouldn't he have called himself The Lion?
NH: That's stupid, Scotty. Quit being stupid.
SW: WELL?! Isn't it?
NH: Lions and tigers are two different felines, retard.
SW: But they're like in the same species of cat family thingee, right?
NH: Ignore button. Ignore button. Man, I wish this was a chat room.
MS: Necro Phil was just rolled under the bottom rope by J.C. Long….who is bleeding like a stuck pig!
SW: Or a guy that got a little giddy with his blade job. OHHH! The Tiger is really getting clawed to pieces by Tigress, and Brandon now getting a taste of Kay's Von Erich spirits!
NH: If only Brandon could channel Freebird Buddy Roberts…then we'd really have a helluva fight.
* air horn sounds *
[Two gigantic sides of beef waddle down the aisle]
MS: Good Lord in Heaven, it's the Natural Disasters, Typhoon and Earthquake!
SW: No, it's worse! And heavier! It's Mittens and Bohemoth!
NH: Good bye ring, that's about a tons worth of human beings right there ….
SW: Tigress just got introduced to Cletus! Kay just sent Brandon over the top rope….but The Kent Stater managed to stay on the apron…Bo and Mittens are both getting in the ring! NO! DAMMIT! NOT ON THE SAME SIDE! YOU IDIOTS!
NH: Thar she goes….har har.
MS: MY GOD! The ring just tipped over! It tipped over! This is the greatest, most incredible night in wrestling history!
SW: Sell it, Tony! Sell it!
MS: Everybody that was in the ring is now OUT of the ring! Kay Fabe is laying on top of J.C. Long!
SW: Lucky him. She's hot, even WITH a mullet. WHOO HOO!
MS: Brandon and The Tiger are a tangled mess, Mittens and Bohemoth are both up under the overturned squared circle…somebody get out here! Medics! We need medics!
[The Ambulance Jockeys rush out to assess the situation, they only help Kay Fabe, load her on a gurney and bolt outta there.]
SW: This is surreal, even for THIS federation.
NH: No argument here. Fans, as soon as The Flunky gets the ring back the way it's supposed to be….we'll be back with the conclusion of Gluttons for Punishment. Stay tuned. In the meantime, do enjoy some more of Dennis' backstage interviews and comments. We'll be right back. Well, not right back, but back.
[We fade back into the scene at the "Non-Functioning Retractable Dome" in beautiful (?) Lardville, Mass. The Flunky has just completed the finishing touches of duct tape work on the ring as Scotty Whatbody, Nurse Heidi, and Mark Shill resume their seating assignments at ringside. The ring looks pitiful. Its all but collapsed on the now infamous "Luke Warm Turnbuckle" side, the middle is sagging like a great-grandma's bosom, giving the appearance of a giant, shallow salad bowl. The ropes almost look like three long ass spaghetti strands wrapped around four lopsided fence posts. But it's all good, we expected some collateral damage. And besides, the buy-rates and merchandise sales will cover it…ummm, okay…we'll take a hit on the damaged ring. Crap! Oh well, cut to Scotty.]
SW: Finally! It's about time that stupid Flunky got the ring finished.
NH: Well, why didn't you help him, Scotty?
SW: What?! I'm a broadcast journalist, not a friggin' handy man! And he didn't need my help anyway, look at that thing….it's good as new.
NH: Excuse me? It looks like shit. Whoops! Are we live?
MS: Yes we are! * ahem * Fans, even though the ring looks like an Afghanistan mountain range…we got more to come!
SW: And the scary thing is, we're getting near the end and XXXtreme Machine hasn't been picked yet. Could you imagine if THAT loser wins the OWTTM? It'd be the biggest joke of a champion since Vince Russo strapped on the title. Or Arquette. Or Vince McMahon. Or any other non-wrestler than got handed the World Title to sell a few tickets. Like Hogan.
NH: Alright, Scotty…that's enough. Now then, since everybody was eliminated during the ring flip-over deal…we're starting again from scratch. Whoever's left in the back that hasn't been called yet is going to be our next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. And looking over this format of who's left….all I can say is that our next champion is going to have their work cut out for 'em defending it down the road. The majority's not a very impressive bunch.
SW: You have a list of who's left? Lemme see it!
NH: No way! If you really want to know, you can always log on to our web-site at www.bobwrestling.com and see for yourself on the Upcoming Cards link. There's a list there, thanks to mention this shameless plug. So, Scoot…go there if you want to know who's left.
SW: YOU TEASER! I hate you, you know I don't have access to a computer right now!
NH: Oh, stop that, you don't hate me…. you love me.
MS: This dump has a web-site? You have GOT to be kidding….
SW: Shut up, Mark…Masked Announcer is back in that pathetic excuse for a ring…
MA: Ah, what the hell? LET'S GET IT ON!
MS: Okay…short and sweet, I guess.
["Rock and Roll, Part Two" by Gary Glitter begins to play. Has anyone ever heard part one? Just wondering if the only difference is if the "HEY" is in part two and not part one. Ah, sod it. Jean Bannister walks down the aisle in full hockey uniform + pads – skates and is carrying a hockey stick he appropriately christened "Mr. Hockey Stick". He rolls under the saggy ropes as some really gay sounding porn music begins to play. Imagine the old nWo theme music with a sprinkle of rave and a techo beat…. and Eddie B. probably wiggling his ass. The black alternate lifestyle type dude lofts down the ramp wearing some pink Billy Gunn/Chuck Palumbo style tights and a T-shirt knotted at the front bottom.]
SW: It's * of the Whatever Wrestling Federation's regular tag-teams back in the day. Fumbducker Diontray!
MS: What? ANOTHER gay guy?
NH: Yep, I'm afraid so. However…it's appears Diontray has shunned his stereotypical homosexuality and a brought a legitimate weapon. Instead of something queer like… he's hooked himself up with a good old pair of brass knuckles. Well, okay… a good old pair of painted pink knuckles, but it's safe to say there's probably some brass somewhere under that lovely shade if fingernail polish. Hmmm, wonder where he got that from?
SW: From his pocket book?
NH: No dummy, I meant what store…
SW: Oh. Well exxxxxxCUUUUUSE me.
MS: Diontray's in there and Bannister's all over him like Patrick Roy on a lazy slapshot! Jean really wearing him out with that hockey stick!
SW: This is great! Former * WWF tag-team champion one-on-one with former * STWF and BOB tag-team champion! OH! Diontray fired back with those pink knucks and dropped Bannister quicker than network does a shitty sitcom.
NH: Real professionalism there, Scotty. Betcha can't say that real fast about five times.
SW: Put money on it?
NH: Five about right?
SW: You're on! Shitty sitcom, shitty citcom, citty shitcom. DAMMIT!
NH: Pay up, loser boy.
* air horn sounds *
MS: So much for your * champion one-on-one match-up, Scotty.
[A sickly thin Goth type with ratted out Robert Smith of The Cure looking hair runs down the aisle carrying a dilapidated skull.]
SW: It's the longest reigning BOB Pan-Galactic Champion ever….Lord Lestat Von Sexbat! And he's brought Yoorick! WHOO HOO! This guy ruled during his heyday… I wish he'd come back for good!
NH: Huh? That guy's a waste of oxygen!
SW: But he beat Bobo.
SW: But he beat Bobo.
MS: You said that already, Scotty.
SW: My bad, I accidentally read the same line over again.
NH: You dolt. Anyway, Lestat's in the ring, Jean totally no-sold that brass knuckle shot from Diontray and just DDT'ed him.
MS: And who's going to join 'em?
[They look to the ramp…]
SW: OH MY GOD….ZILLA!
[Some Japanese tourists flee the building]
NH: Zilla is coming down the aisle with Wes, his ummmmm, talking skateboard.
Sexbat: Don't call me Wes!
SW: Yeah, Heidi, Lestat only likes to be referred to by his pseudo-vampire-role-playing-stage-name, not his real one. Get up to speed, missy.
NH: Whatever. Hey, why does Sexbat have to be out here with Zilla and his skateboard? Haven't we beaten that to death already with the Wes/Wes thing?
SW: Luck 'o the draw, my dear….luck 'o the draw.
MS: Bannister just sent Diontray over those droopy ropes, but the Fumbducker held on… now he's wrapped his legs around the bottom rope as Jean stomps away at him, trying to get him to the floor. Diontray's holding on for dear life!
SW: OH YEAH! Sexbat just nailed Bannister with that skull! What does everybody want?! Severed rotten boney head! What does everybody need?!
NH: Scotty, I believe you need some sleep. This very long event has you to the point of delirium. And way past stupidity.
MS: Okay, that Zilla guy is now going after Sexbat. Double leg pick-up drops the creepy man, and for a rare moment, we actually see a wrestling maneuver in this contest!
SW: And just think it was from Zilla! Incredible! Both that we saw it in this match and that he knows one.
[Flunky runs down and hands Mark a memo]
MS: What's this? Flunky just informed me that The Ultimate Worrier has withdrawn for the contest because he was concerned about further tarnishing the legacy of Jim Helwig.
SW: Oh yeah, like THAT'S possible...
* air horn sounds *
[A mexican looking dude runs down, followed by a midget.]
NH: Hey, it's a BOB new guy, Enrique Espinosa...
SW: And Andrew Spink! Justin Voss' drawf sized sidekick! What the hell is that on his head?
NH: Maybe it's a snozzle on his wizzle. *sigh* Is it just me, or does anybody else not understand what that guy is saying?
MS: Zilla just planted that skateboard on Sexbat's chin! Diontray now moving behind Bannister...setting him up for a pump-handle slam!
SW: OH! But not before doing a little Road Dogg "humpin'-the-soon-to-be-slammed-victim's-butt" routine!
NH: Better check and see if Diontray still has his pants up.
SW: Ew, yeah I forgot he was a bit on the limp wristed side...
MS: Am I imagining things, or does that midget have his head coated in steel?
SW: Well, I believe it's titanium, but like that matters. Andrew's immediately created a blind spot for himself! There's no way he can use periphial vision with that thing on!
MS: Good Lord! That's now obvious as Espinosa clocked him upside the head with Bannister's hockey stick! Sexbat sent to the canvas and there goes his skull rolling across that sunken ring.
SW: And Diontray's now trying to get Jean off the apron...Bannister's fighting him for all he's worth!
NH: HEY! It's The Organ Grinder! Coming out of the stands! And he's brought J. Fred Kokomo, that coin grabbing chimp! He's not scheduled to be here...
SW: He is now! He's in the ring and going right after Zilla! He hit him with his money maker!
MS: His ass?
SW: No dummy! His music box!
MS: Well , I don't know...he could've been one of sex-symbol guys.
NH: Puh-lease....LOOK at him.
SW: Hey, watch this....(starts digging in his pocket)
NH: Bannister's been busted open, and Wes was just eliminated. The skateboard, not Lipschitz. I mean, Sexbat.
Lestat: HEY! I told you about saying my real.... OUCH!
MS: Sexbat waffled on the knee by Spink and his stainless steel helmet...
NH: What are you getting out of pocket, Scotty.
SW: Just watch, you wanna see Kokomo get REALLY pissed? (throws a handful of pennies in the ring) YEAH, BABY! Those greedy ass little monkies HATE pennies! They only want silver coins or bills...watch J. Fred flip out!
J Fred: (after seeing the pennies) REEEEEE! REEEEEEE!
SW: BWAAAA HAAA HAAA!
[J Fred goes postal, and attacks anything that moves...including his owner]
SW: Boy, that sure livened up the party!
NH: Enrique caught a clothesline from Diontray!
SW: And considering the source, that's probably the BEST thing he could catch from him!
MS: That monkey has gone berserk! Scotty, how could you be so mean?
* air horn sounds *
NH: AGAIN?! Man, that ring can't take much more....
[Shot of J. Fred clawing Zilla's eyes out, Bannister and Diontray trading punches, Spink trying to get titanium head mold off, Sexbat looking for Yoorick, and Enrique doing a rapid-fire-rand-hand-mambo on Organ Grinder's noggin.]
SW: Here comes 'Little Good' of Sarah's clan...and HOLY SHIT! It's STWF madman MR. INTENSITY!
NH: Little Good gets in, and Mr. Intensity is going to his trunks....
Intensity: YOU THINK THIS IS EXTREME?! YOU THINK THIS IS INTENSE?! I GOT YOUR INTENSE RIGHT HERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!
NH: And yes...he's brought his lighter fluid!
[Mr. Intensity douses himself, then lights himself on fire]
SW: YES! He's looking for his finisher, THE FLAMING BEAR HUG OF DEATH!
NH: Not going to happen, as it appears Mr. Intensity was a designated "RCG".
NH: BOB term, Mark. He's a "ring clearing guy".
MS: Oh. Okay then, I'm sorry...I didn't read anything on the OOC board. Whoops, I can't believe I just said that!
SW: Me either, especially from a mark like you.
NH: Little Good just tried to whack Intensity with Diontray's pink knuckles...but it did little good as he burned his hand! Now Little Good wisens up and heads under the bottom rope...grabbing his original weapon and throttles Andrew Spink on his titanium head just for the hell of it as The Little Big Man as also jumped ship!
MS: There goes Zilla and Diontray as Intensity still staggers around the ring in full blaze, looking for somebody to grab onto!
SW: Bannister bails out! And now Enrique is gone! LOOK! Sexbat's Cure hair is on fire!
NH: And he's out and running to a half-sleeping fan at ringside...grabs his soda and pours it over his smoldering head!
SW: YEE HEE! If he didn't have that white paint on his face...he'd look just like Michael Jackson filming a Pepsi commercial!
MS: Organ Grinder is out! And so is his monkey!
SW: I really want to say something about him spanking that monkey...
NH: I know you do, Scotty.
MS: Mr. Intensity has jumped out of the ring and is heading up the aisle! Good thing The Flunky is there with that extinguisher!
* air horn sounds *
NH: And we start anew again...
[A man comes down riding a scooter, joined by a suited individual with a baseball bat.]
SW: It's Dean Kamen! Or is it Ginger? Or is it IT? I still can't quite figure out that guy's gimmick yet.
NH: I think that he thinks he's a scooter, but brings one with him so he doesn't have to talk to himself. Hell, I dunno. But I know he has an advantage as he's paired up against a woman.
SW: Where? He's in there with Sculder.
NH: No, that's Mully.
SW: Are you sure, that's a man!
NH: Exactly. Ummm, it's Mully though.
SW: And it has brought an Official Alien Subdual Device....a lead filled bat!
NH: No, IT is the scooter.
SW: Oh no, IT is Mully!
MS: Whatever, but that Kamen guy just lifted a swift toe kick to Mully's gut...double underhook suplex! Now he's trying to roll The Agency member under the bottom...but Mully's holding on.
Masked Announcer: FANS! We are down to 9 entries left! Flunky has informed me that after overuse...the air horn is, uh-rah, out of air. It's broken. So, would the remaining 9 entries please enter the ring at this time so we can crown the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTER?! LET'S GET IT ON!
[crowd with golf clap]
SW: WHAT?! WHOO HOO! This is it! This is the moment we've all been waiting for!
NH: Here comes Jim of The Kent State Krew, and Josh is right behind him with that brick loaded Playstation!
SW: It's HOMICIDAL HANK! The last of the 5 STWF Intergalactic Champions to enter this thing! The only one that has a chance to have won the STWF's biggest prize and BOB's top title! The Tiger, SMP, Bohemoth, and Mittens are already long gone!
MS: It's The Geek! And hes' bringing a stack of books that looks like he's on Little House on the Prairie! Look at all those things tied together!
SW: All he needs now is buck teeth, an ankle long dress, and clod hopper boots! BWAAA HAAA!
NH: It's Seth Harker! Hank's little brother and champion of several hardcore serious feds! And he's got a book weapon of his own..."Parody Wrestling For Dummies"...and it appears to be dipped in bronze!
SW: WHOO HOO! It's that fine babe Sarah the Jobber Slayer, that idiot Styles, and she has a big ass bag full of.....
MS: Here comes another guy with a baseball bat...
SW: That's not just a baseball bat....it's MR. BAT! IT'S THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
[Styles sits down at ringside]
NH: And here comes....oh no....XXXtreme Machine. He better not win this! And he also has brought a baseball bat.
Styles: OH MY GOD! A baseball bat?! OH MY....GOD!
SW: No, his is a "baesbal b-at"...you have to remember who we're talking about here...
MS: Hey wait...that's only 8. Masked Announcer said there were 9 left!
[A single spotlight shines to the rafters. A caped figure falls and seconds later crashes into the middle of the ring, thus flattening it and causing everbody in there to stumble over.]
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: It's Kamikazie Ken! Kamikazie Ken! Who doesn't NEED a weapon, he's a weapon himself...and usually a weapon against himself!
NH: Okay fans, look in that ring...in there right now, one of those people is going to be our next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
MS: And one will be the new Swiss Army Champion, right?
SW: That's right! I almost forgot about that...the runner up gets the S.A. Title!
Styles: Really? OH MY GOD!
SW: Would you shut up?!
NH: Speaking of titles, congratulations to "Smart" Mark Green....even though he was eliminated form this thing what 'seems' like two weeks ago, he's the new "AYOOYFM" hardcore champion having met at least 18 different competitors. Nobody can beat that now since we only have 11 people in the ring.
NH: Somebody needs to get XXXtreme out of there quick!
SW: Sarah's dumping her bag...it was full of banana peels! Kamen already slipped on one trying to hit Seth with that scooter! Josh just hit Jim with his Playstation! There's no buddies in there now! Gold's so close they can taste it!
MS: Ken looks unconscious already as Violent Pacifist works him over with Mr. Bat.! Now Machine hits VP with HIS bat! Now Hank hits XXXTreme with a potted geranium! He didn't pick his own weapon did he?
SW: Weapon? That's his pet!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: What? What happened?!
Styles: Nothing. It was just time for me to say OH MY GOD!
NH: There goes Mully! Eliminated by Sarah who simply tossed the alien detective over the drooping ropes! Sarah sure is living up her name here....
SW: Jim just slipped on a peel and right under the bottom rope! HA! Serves him right that little goody goody face character!
MS: And The Geek just blasted Josh with that 'Guide To Everything and Anything Having to do With Star Trek' handbook, his 'Star Wars Roleplaying' manual and whatever else he has wrapped up in the stack of swinging headaches!
NH: But Josh didn't go out! Somebody get XXXtreme out of there!
SW: Kamen and Seth just both rolled over the top! Damn, that Ginger guy is good! I wanted him to win it all! DESTROY THE HUMANS rocks! (does an "Ozzy" gesture with his pinky and index finger)
NH: The draw is brutal, though...you just never know when you're going to get it. Hank just ran through VP, XXXtreme Machine eliminated by Josh! Thank you, Josh! Thank you! You're BOB's savior! Call me!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: Wait a damn minute! Somebody's running to the ring!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, we have found one last entrant's piece of paper with his name on it stuck to the bottom of the medium sized bucket! And some glue...
SW: HEY! That's Billy Polar!
MS: Can't be...
NH: YEAH! He was eliminated a long time ago!
SW: Sarah just loaded Ken's limp body on a pile of banana peels and slide him right out of the ring...Billy's coming over here.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
NH: Hey, Billy...what the hell are you doing out here? You're already out!
BP: Oh no, you see that's where you're wrong. I, being Bily Polar, am so smart....'cause I went to Harvard and all, that I have NOT been in yet. And I have yet to bring my perfect weapon. (he puts on ear-muffs). NH: Nice weapon. Ear muffs?
BP: I WENT TO HAVARD, DAMMIT! Come on out guys!
[a three peice band of boys comes out...and immediately goes into "Mmmmm, Bop".]
Styles: OH MY GOD! IT'S HANSON!
[He runs off]
SW: I have to agree...HOLY SHIT! IT'S HANSON!
[Billy simply crawls into the ring and props himself against a leaning post... the ring begins to clear]
NH: Goodness gracious, of all the songs to get stuck in my head....
SW: Lookitdat! Josh can't stand "Mmmmm, Bop"! He's jumped out! I don' t know why, though...."Mmmmm, Bop" sucks ass, yes...but it's still better than "We I.D."
NH: And there goes Hank! And The Geek , who even though is a nerd...HE can't even stand Hanson!
MS: We're down to The Violent Pacifist, Sarah, and Billy!
SW: And two of them are going to leave with titles, and one is going to leave with NOTHING!
MS: VP and Sarah are doing everything they can to withstand the pain of crappy music...they're even stuffing banana peels in their ears!
SW: And look, Billy senses something is up with that...he know it could work. He just ran across the ring and decked his old rival VP! He's thrown him out! And now he turns to Sarah...and throws her out! BILLY'S WON IT!
NH: But Sarah captured the Swiss Army title!
SW: Who cares about that? Billy finally won the big one! WHOO HOO!
NH: He did not! This decision will never stand, Billy was already in there!
[Billy quickly runs over and beats Hanson up with their own instruments...then returns to ringside and grabs the oversized, gaudly looking OWTTM.]
BP: YO ADRIAAaaaaaaan! I DID IT! (Starts crying and hugging title)
NH: Bullshit, Billy! You were out a long time ago!
BP Heidi, the language, watch the language. Besides, there's NO proof I was ever in the ring before. Go look. Go ahead. Scroll back...ummm, I mean rewind the tape and look for yourself. Go on. (Crosses arms and begins to tap foot). Well, I'm waiting.
[Minutes pass as the annouce team do so]
BP: I WENT TO HARVARD, DAMMIT! Do you think I wouldn't cover all the bases? You see, at Harvard...they have a class called "The Art of Computer Hacking and Password Guessing". And I excelled! So, I just went back and took care of that little problem back up there. BWAAA HAAA HAAA! I'M BILLY POLAR, DAMMIT! AND THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! So whatcha gonna do? I'm outta here, you people bore me.
[He leaves to general indifference and some slight boos]
SW: Well fans, what can I say? Other than to beg you to keep watching future shows after THAT finish?
NH: Scotty, I don't think anything can fix this screw job. So for Mark Shill and Scotty Whatbody...I'm Nurse Heidi saying good night and good riddance from this terrible, terrible night in professional wrestling history.
Credits roll. Fade.
©2002 BOB Wrestling!