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Dr. Silaconne M. PlantsNurse HeidiJerri Li

Caption: Earlier Today

[BOB's ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Heidi are seen walking toward the Intercourse Arena's back entrance. Jerri is waiting at the door, holding a tree branch. Plants looks around suspiciously]

SMP: What do you want?

Jerri: Don't worry, we're alone. Look. Some things happened on iMPLOSION. I just wanted you to know that I didn't mean for Scatman to blast you with the chair. It was hot, don't get me wrong, but the Freaks and the Entities have similar goals.

SMP: Heelish goals?

Jerri: Sure. So, here, I'm offering you a tree branch of friendship.

NH: Um, Jerri? Don't rip my face off or anything, but you're thinking of an olive branch. And a metaphor.

Jerri: Whatever…

[Jerri throws the branch at SMP and heads inside.]

SMP: Strange girl. And Jerri's an odd one, too.

NH: Ha ha ha.

[SMP notices an envelope taped to the door with his intials on it.]

SMP: What's this?

[He rips open the envelope.]

SMP: (Reading): Hey, Sil. After you retain that title tonight, I'm going to give you the biggest congratulation of your life. JL.

NH: Joanie. Think she'll really show?

SMP: She has to. Kobe's going down. Especially with my secret weapon.

Gluttons for Punishment 2

[Cut inside the Intercourse Arena. A nearly sold-out crowd is on hand, giving some half-hearted clapping as the camera pans the arena.]

Mikey Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Gluttons for Punishment 2! I'm Mikey Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody. And Scotty, I've gotta tell you, my mouth is burning after eating some of The Commentator’s new line of barbecue fried chicken.

Scotty Whatbody: Here, I had Thai food instead, you can use this banana leaf to cool your tongue.

Styles: Hey! There’s chewing gum in this!

SW: Oops, sorry, my bad. Didn’t think you’d mind, seeing as there’s usually shards of glass and bits of plastic in The Commentator’s food.

[Styles spits out what looks like the fingers from an action figure and sighs.]

Styles: Well fans, it's ladder time. Jerri Li takes on Sarah with both women's careers on the line. And of course, later on is the 32-man/woman/cyborg/inanimate objects Royal Flush Rumble, and then we top off the night with Kobe Gyant challenging Dr. Silaconne M. Plants for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in a steel cage. But right now, this is the final match between these two substars. Old hatreds die hard, and the critical point has been reached between them. The loser of this match will never appear in a BOB ring again.

SW: Every cloud has a silver lining though, you get to crack open a beer and enjoy what should be a great match.

Styles: I can’t drink beer, I have butterflies in my stomach over the outcome of this match!

SW: Make a martini then, sheesh. What’re you going to do next, put cucumbers on your eyes and dance around in a frilly pink tutu?

Jerri LiSarah "The Jobber Slayer"

[The camera joins Nurse Heidi in the ring, which is surrounded by rusty old ladders.]

NH: The following is a Loser Leaves BOB Ladder Match!

[“Holy Wars” by Megadeth plays.]

NH: Introducing first, from Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Weighing in at 123 lbs… Jerri Li!

[Jerri walks out in a catholic schoolgirl uniform, carrying a knife in her teeth. She gets a nice reaction, being from Intercourse and all.]

SW: Yowza!

Styles: A stark contrast with Jerri’s usual attire indeed.

SW: Jesus Christ she’s hot. I could use a cold shower.

Styles: You should at least slap on some Old Spice.

SW: Sharp as a tack today aren’t you Styles?

[“Temptation Waits” by Garbage plays. Sarah gets a slightly louder pop that Jerri, but surprisingly not by much.]

NH: And her opponent, from Cloudydale, Connecticut. Weighing in at 100 lbs… Sarah The Jobber Slayer!

TC: I’m here now!

SW: Uhhrar! Not you again!

TC: Through hellfire and keystone, finally, The Commentator has come back to Brawlers On A Budget to call this monumental, career ending match!

SW: Yucky. Somebody give me a tranquilizer or something before I knock this guy’s lights out.

[Sarah climbs into the ring, keeping her distance as the bell rings. The crowd seems split on who to cheer. Or it's just usual BOB fan apathy.]

Styles: Here we go! Jerri lunges at Sarah with the knife, but she knocks her arm out of the way and punches her in the face! Sarah steals the knife quickly and slices Jerri’s cheek with it.

[Jerri wipes the trickle of blood with her fingers and licks it off.]

Styles: Sarah throws the knife like a ninja star at Jerri, who ducks out of the way just in time and the knife lodges itself in a turnbuckle.

TC: We have ignition! We’re seeing a well oiled machine fighting a bad apple, and a tough cookie to boot.

Jerri: Girl, you’re going to get your ass beat.

Sarah: Sorry honey, but you’re gonna lose.

Jerri: Are you ready?

Sarah: Bring it on bitch.

Styles: Jerri with a chop across the chest of Sarah.

Crowd: Boobs!

TC: Sarah shakes it off and starts driving, driving, driving knee after knee into Jerri’s sternum. She’s getting in the zone Styles!

Styles: As far as pure talent is concerned, Sarah clearly holds all the cards. But here we can see Jerri’s viciousness and power on display as she rams Sarah with a series of stiff headbutts.

SW: And now they’re both cut. Is it wrong for me to love seeing blood on a woman’s face?

TC: Whatever floats your boat.

Styles: Jerri follows up with a Mongolian chop to the tendons of Sarah’s neck. She wrenches on a headlock and drags Sarah’s face along the top rope before slamming her into the turnbuckle at the end.

SW: Nasty, that top rope is covered in blood now.

Styles: Jerri heaves Sarah up onto her shoulder and charges toward the opposite corner. Goes for snake eyes but Sarah slides off her shoulder in time and dropkicks her into the turnbuckles.

TC: Made it out by the skin of her teeth.

Styles: Sarah turns Jerri around and hops up onto the ropes behind her. She sets her knee up behind her neck before driving down into the mat with a calf branding!

SW: Jerri’s lucky, I hear false teeth are on sale half price this Thursday.

TC: Know what else is half price? My new line of kung pao ribs! They’re full of gooky goodness!

SW: Stop trying to shill your damn food!

TC: Would you change your mind if I gave you a free sample?

SW: No! Your ribs are dryer than the Sahara desert!

TC: I’ll throw in some free cinnamon buns! Drenched to the bone in barbecue sauce!

SW: I think I’m going to throw up.

Styles: Sarah has Jerri in the middle of the ring. She hooks her arms and drops her across the knee with a double arm backbreaker. Sarah in control in the early goings of this match. She tries to slap on a Texas cloverleaf but Jerri kicks her off and scurries out of the ring.

SW: Come over here and take a bite of my egg roll honey!

Styles: Jerri grabs a steel chair out from under the ring, but Sarah’s timing is perfect and cracks the chair into Jerri’s face with a baseball slide.

TC: These ladies are certainly going hell for leather tonight.

SW: And every time you can see up Jerri’s skirt and sneak a peek at her lemon pie The Commentator sweats like a pig in a pit full of scorpions.

TC: That almost sounded like one of my sayings… and, hey, I'm not sweating because of that! I'm a happily married man by gawd! I’m sweating because of the heat, the air is thicker than a can of treacle covered in cobwebs in here!

[The Commentator dabs at his forehead with a handkerchief.]

Styles: Jerri peels the chair off her face, she’s bleeding even more profusely than before.

SW: Yeah, but you have to admit this girl loves turning a nosebleed into a hospital visit.

Styles: Yeah, well, as Jerri is busy wiping blood out of her eyes and flicking it off her hands she doesn’t see Sarah climbing to the top rope. Sarah flies through the air with a diving sidekick, but Jerri throws the chair like a frisbee and it smacks Sarah clean in the head! Ouch!

TC: She hit the floor like a ragdoll!

SW: That definitely had to rattle a few bones.

Styles: Jerri is sick, she’s smiling!

TC: And it looks like she’s going to turn the ultra-violence up a notch.

Styles: Jerri lifts up one of those rusty ladders and drapes it over Sarah. She takes a steel chair with her up onto the apron and holds it over her arm. She goes for an elbow drop on Sarah, but she dodges clear out of the way and Jerri hits nothing but ladder.

TC: That’ll be sore in the morning.

Styles: As Jerri stands up, dusting herself off, Sarah reappears from under the ring with a kendo stick in each hand. She throws Jerri one of them and whacks her across the bridge of her nose.

[Jerri checks to see if her nose is broken and licks the blood off her fingers.]

TC: Blood is definitely this girl’s poison.

SW: That and sandpaper.

Styles: Jerri looks like she’s absolutely fuming.

Jerri: You didn’t break my nose. Now you’re gonna pay!

Sarah: D’oh!

Styles: Jerri shatters the kendo stick into splinters over Sarah’s head! She follows up with a flurry of European uppercuts.

TC: She’s back in the driver’s seat!

Styles: Sarah is on spaghetti legs right now. Jerri picks up her second steel chair and hits Sarah so hard with it over her skull that a Sarah shaped dent pokes out on the other side.

SW: That had to hurt her coconut.

Styles: Jerri rolls Sarah back into the ring along with a chair and a ladder. Jerri climbs in through the ropes and lays the ladder a few steps in front of the turnbuckles. She pulls Sarah up in a front headlock and drags her limp body to the corner. Jerri hops up onto the second turnbuckle and goes for a tornado DDT, but Sarah holds onto the ropes and Jerri lands on the ladder hard.

TC: She put too much stock in that move.

Styles: Sarah catches her bearings and snatches the steel chair off the mat. She positions Jerri on the ladder and drops the chair on top of her before ascending to the top rope. Jerri stares up like a rabbit caught in headlights as Sarah comes crashing down on her with a senton splash!

SW: It looks like a junkyard in there.

Styles: Both women take their time getting back up. Sarah manages to pull herself together and snaps a middle kick at Jerri. Jerri hunches over in pain and Sarah takes a moment to catch her breath before hitting another heavy middle kick.

[Jerri bunches up her fists and screams, going on pure adrenaline.]

Styles: Sarah hits a third middle kick and follows up immediately with a vicious kick to the head! Jerri is out cold on her feet. Sarah boots her in the gut and drops her with a DDT onto the ladder!

TC: That was stiffer than a jug of moonshine!

Styles: Sarah rolls out of the ring. She slides another ladder into the ring and sets it up under the BOB contract. She climbs about half way up before Jerri can get her wits about her. She climbs up after Sarah and elbows her in the back of the head. She holds her by the back of the neck and jumps off the ladder, dragging Sarah’s face down along the rungs of the ladder!

SW: Yikes, she used the ladder like a giant cheesegrater.

TC: Sarah’s face is a bloody mess!

Styles: Jerri closes the ladder and cracks it over Sarah’s head! Sarah falls like a house of cards right out of the ring. Somebody should check on her, she may have a concussion after that sickening ladder shot.

SW: I’ll give her CPR if I can use both hands.

Styles: Jerri climbs to the top rope and drags a ladder up with her. What the hell is she doing?

[Jerri drops one end of the ladder to the floor and sets the other end on the rope.]

SW: The fuck?

Styles: Jerri slides down the ladder and hits Sarah with an elbow drop! That was certainly innovative, even if it did cut her back to ribbons.

[The camera shows Jerri’s bleeding back. Her shirt is torn to shreds and bits of cartilage are hanging out.]

TC: Ouch!

Styles: Jerri looks more than a little groggy, but she manages to lift Sarah to her feet and slams her face-first into the ladder. Sarah climbs up a few rungs and turns around. She knocks Jerri back with a kick and stands on the ladder, holding her arms out to keep her balance.

Sarah: Somebody give me a chair!

[A fan throws her his chair.]

Styles: Sarah throws that chair for Jerri to catch and drives it into her face with a missile dropkick!

SW: This is crazy.

Styles: Sarah, back in the ring, starts setting up a ladder beneath the BOB contract.

TC: This could be it, Jerri isn’t moving!

Styles: Sarah climbing the ladder now. Jerri doesn’t even stir until she’s about half way up.

TC: This is it!

Styles: Jerri is finally back on her feet but Sarah is near the top of the ladder! Jerri hops up onto the apron and thinks on her feet, hitting the ladder itself with a springboard dropkick that sends it and Sarah crashing to the mat!

TC: It’s carnage!

Styles: Sarah rolls out of the ring. Jerri reaches through the ropes after her but gets blasted in the face with a chair!

TC: I think they might have heard that one all the way out in the parking lot.

Styles: Sarah throws the third ladder of this match up and over the top rope. Jerri gets up on one knee as she hears the rattling metal hitting the canvas. She stands as Sarah slides into the ring. Sarah ducks under a clothesline from Jerri and goes for a sweep kick, but Jerri jumps to avoid it and suddenly grabs Sarah by the sides of her head. Red mist!

SW: As if Sarah didn’t already have enough blood on her face.

Styles: Sarah throws punches blindly as Jerri just stands there watching, smiling from ear to ear.

[Sarah eventually stops as she realizes Jerri has left the ring. She wipes both Jerri’s and her own blood off her face and out of her eyes. She is met with the sight of Jerri sliding an armful of light tubes and a windowpane into the ring.]

TC: Good grief, glass?! This is supposed to be a ladder match!

Styles: As Jerri climbs in herself Sarah takes advantage and runs up to kick her in the ribs. She picks up one of the light tubes and breaks it over her back!

TC: Good gawd almighty!

Styles: She holds another across Jerri’s face and kicks it with all her might, the light tube exploding on impact! Jerri’s face is a mess!

TC: I need a sick bag.

Styles: Jerri reaches up in desperation and tears a chunk of Sarah’s hair out of her scalp! Sarah stumbles backwards, screaming in pain. Jerri just wallops her with a light tube.

SW: This match is fast becoming sick and twisted.

TC: Jerri has a demented smile on her face as she punches herself in the face. What is wrong with this girl?!

SW: She’s a masochist.

Styles: And a sadist… she forces Sarah’s mouth open and forces a light tube inside before rocking her jaw with an absolutely revolting left hook!

Sarah: You bitch!

SW: That had to hurt.

Styles: Jerri sets up two steel chairs a fair distance away from each other and lays the ladder out on top of them. She headbutts Sarah with authority and drags her towards the corner in a front headlock. Jerri hops up onto the top rope and hauls Sarah up with her. Both women are up on the top rope now. Jerri hooks under Sarah’s belly and lifts her up. Top rope powerbomb countered into a Sarahconrana onto the ladder! Oh my gyad, Jerri landed hard!

TC: Holy shit!

Styles: Sarah is somehow able to stand and sets that windowpane up in the corner. She kicks Jerri off the ladder and stands it up in the middle of the ring. She lifts Jerri’s lifeless body up and inches her up the rungs of the ladder and climbs up after her. Oh holy shit… SARAHCONRANA OFF THE LADDER THROUGH THE WINDOW! JERRI IS DEAD!!

TC: All Sarah has to do now is set the ladder up, climb it and grab that BOB contract hanging above the ring.

Styles: But neither woman is moving.

[“Pokemolesting Dead Hamsters” by Execution plays.]

SW: Wait a minute… what the hell?!

Christian St. Christian

Styles: It’s Christian St. Christian! A member of Jerri’s disgusting stable The Fetish Freaks!

TC: And he’s got a steel chain!

Styles: St. Christian climbs into the ring and forces Sarah to her feet. He steps behind her and wraps his steel chain around her throat before German suplexing her onto that ladder!

TC: What the hell is going on here?

Styles: He pulls a length of barbedwire out of a crack in his gimp suit and wraps it around his right boot before stamping repeatedly on top of Sarah’s back! He lifts her arms up and positions his foot behind her head, her hair tangling up in that barbedwire, before driving her into one of the rungs of that ladder with a curb stomp! Holy shit!

TC: That was disgusting, she’s a woman for crying out loud!

Styles: St. Christian helps Jerri stand. He pulls a joint out of his pocket and lights it up, offering Jerri the first toke.

TC: Drugs?! Are drugs really necessary on a wrestling show?!

SW: Popeye has spinach, Jerri prefers a different kind of green.

Jerri: Thanks, I needed that. Now go set me up a table!

Styles: St. Christian flies out of the ring and pulls a table out from under the apron. He sets it up on before a steel ring post a gives Jerri a thumbs up.

TC: Sarah is being screwed before our eyes!

Styles: St. Christian slides back into the ring and helps Jerri lift Sarah up onto the top turnbuckle in front of that table. As Jerri ascends the ropes, still catching her breath, he stands the ladder up in the middle of the ring. Jerri punches Sarah square in the face and uses all her strength to turn her upside down…. RELEASE TOMSBTONE PILEDRIVER THROUGH THE TABLE!!! HOLY SHIT!!

[Jerri collapses from exhaustion, falling to the mat. St. Christian hurries over and helps her up.]

TC: This is a screw job!!

Styles: St. Christian helps Jerri hobble over to the ladder. She slowly climbs up, being pushed every once in a while by St. Christian. She leaps up off the top rung… she did it!

NH: Here is your winner… Jerri Li!

[Jerri gets a big hometown pop, despite her heelish role in the match. The announcers are silent for a little bit as St. Christian drags Jerri outside and carries her up the aisle.]

TC: Jerri did what Sarah would've done if the roles were reversed.

Styles: Really, TC? I didn't see the Shaggy Gang out here screwing Jerri!

[Cut to Sarah in the ring, who's managed to get back up on hands and knees. The Intercourse crowd rises to their feet and gives Sarah a standing ovation.]

Styles: The greatest female parody wrestler to ever don stylish yet affordable wrestling boots has just seen her career come to an end.

[Cut to a shot of a guy in the crowd wearing glasses, sobbing like a baby.]

SW: BWAHAHAHA! Look at that loser! What a mark!

Crowd: Thank you, Sarah. *Clap, clap, clapclap clap* Thank you, Sarah. *Clap, clap, clapclap clap* Thank you, Sarah. *Clap, clap, clapclap clap*

[Sarah stands up and raises her arms to the cheering crowd for one last time, trying to hold back tears unsuccessfully, and then gingerly climbs out to the floor.]

XamfirLittle GoodKay FabeStylesScotty Whatbody

[She goes to Xamfir, Little Good, and Kay Fabe, who are all sitting ringside, and hugs them, before she finds Styles at the Flimsy Announce Desk and also hugs him. In the background, she spies Scotty snickering at Styles, who is also teary, so she kicks Scotty in the face, getting a pop from the crowd. Styles and Sarah laugh through tears, and Sarah heads up the aisle, soaking in the final moment of her BOB and wrestling career.]

Crowd: Thank you, Sarah. *Clap, clap, clapclap clap* Thank you, Sarah. *Clap, clap, clapclap clap* Thank you, Sarah. *Clap, clap, clapclap clap*

[Fade to black.]


[Thanks to the magic of editing, and due not having a backstage interviewer tonight, we return to the ballroom. The Commentator is gone, Styles has regained his composure, and Scotty has recovered from getting kicked in the face.]

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the Royal Flush RUMBLE! Brawlers will enter every 90 seconds or so with a weapon, until all 32 brawlers have entered. The winner of the match becomes number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at the September On-Demand. The Swiss Army Belt will be awarded to the wrestler who makes the most eliminations. The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt is hung above the ring, which means during the battle royal, we'll also be having a ladder match! Whoever can climb up on the ladder to retrieve the hardcore title will be the champion. And to win the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles: There will be two "wild card" eliminations. Whoever tosses out a wrestler at the secret wild card time will win one of the titles, and then whoever tosses out a person at the other secret wild card time will win the other title!

Pete "XFactor" Trable

["X Gonna Give it To Ya" by DMX hits.]

NH: Introducing first, from Fresno, California, "XFactor" Pete Trable!

Styles: Normally, coming in at a low number like this would be a bad thing. But if Trable wants to win the Swiss Army Belt, he's got a great shot at it.

SW: *Snort* Trable? Has a shot? He's a sidekick to The Great! He'll never be a singles champion. He epitomizes not good enough to fight alone, Styles. He used to be a prop!

Styles: I know. But anything could happen!

SW: Sure, sure. And Annie Wershing, Eliza Dushku and Nichole Hiltz COULD stop by here and triple team me in-between lezzing out on each other.

Styles: I have no idea who any of those people are.

SW: Dude, you seriously need to watch something other than wrestling. Fine. Let's say, Christy Hemme, Gail Kim and Michelle McCool then.

Styles: No rap tonight.

SW: Yeah, Pete's illin' with a cough. I think it's the swine flu. We should announce it and make everyone here panic.

Styles: That's not nice!

NH: And introducing next…

The Great

["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones. Crowd pops.]

Styles: OH MY GOD! It's the other half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions!

NH: From St. Louis, Missouri, The Great!

SW: This is like that year Ax and Smash came out and beat each other up.

Styles: Indeed! Well, Trey Vincent wasn't kidding about this being an intriguing start to the Rumble. It's really simple. Wrestlers are eliminated when they're thrown over the top rope and both feet touch the floor.

SW: These pussies are putting their weapons down?

Styles: Trable brought out that gold X chain, and The Great brought out one of the most lethal weapons in this match: his wife's home-cooked fruit cake!

SW: Look at that! The Great's looking at a sign in the crowd that says "Pete Just Had Sex With Your Wife!" Ahahaha! That's a shoot.

Allegedly.

Styles: And here they go! Trable and Great exchanging right hands. Trable whips Great to the ropes. Great goes over the top rope, but he hangs on! Trable charges in, but The Great avoids him. Stomping Mudhole by The Great. Trable catches The Great's foot. Oh, nice Enzuigiri 2 by The Great to maintain momentum. Headscissor Takedown connects.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

SW: That was the shortest 90 seconds ever. Meh, no worries, I bet most people will skim anyway.

Styles: Those bastards.

Scatman

["People=Shit" by Slipknot hits. The Drunken Idiots pop.]

NH: Entering next, this is Scatman!

SW: Isn't he a heel?

Styles: Yeah, but he's buddies with Intercourse's own Jerri Li. Scatman has yet to hold gold here in BOB, but this might just be his lucky night.

SW: Punch a fan, please!

Styles: Who, Scatman?

SW: Yeah! I'm dying to use a "shit hits the fan" joke.

Styles: Right. Think you just did.

SW: Damnit!

Styles: Oh dear lord. Brown mist to Trable?

SW: Oh shit.

Styles: You can say that again.

SW: Oh shit.

Styles: DDT 12 by The Great, no! Scatman backdrops him! Nice reversal.

SW: It was a shitty reversal.

Styles: Scatman grabs Trable and is trying to dump him for our first elimination. Back Stabber by The Great on Scatman! The Great must've gotten a newer version of Smackdown vs. Raw. Trable has his eyesight cleared up. And it looks like the Amazing Greats are going to double team Scatman now. Double Gutbuster connects! Twist of Great coming up? No! Scatman shoves him into the ropes and ducks down. And Trable and The Great knock heads!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Styles: Stinkface coming up!

 

["Don't Look Back in Anger" by Oasis hits.]

SW: Who the hell is this?

NH: Introducing next, British Mr. Fantastic!

SW: It's the attack of the clones, Styles.

SPLASH

SIZZLE

Styles: Oh man! Cup of tea to Scatman!

SW: Coming soon to stores everywhere: Organic Scatman Brown Tea.

Styles: Trable snatches the cup.

SMASH!

Styles: And Trable just broke that cup over British Mr. Fantastic's head.

SMASH!

Styles: What did The Great just hit British Mr. Fantastic with?

SW: Those were false teeth. Hard to tell covered in doodoo.

Styles: I didn't even see Scatman carry in his weapon, but according to my list, that was Scatman's weapon. The Great and Trable looking for some big time payback on the Mr. Fantastic clones after what's happened on recent shows and during March Mayhem.

SW: The Great should've thanked them. It got Sarah to sit on his face. Is British Mr. Fantastic trying to chain wrestle with The Great?

Styles: It sure looks like it. Lariat attempt misses! Scoop Slam 4 does not. Russian Leg Sweep takes British Mr. Fantastic down once again. Scatman hits a spinebuster slam on Trable. Scatman looking to eliminate Trable now, but here comes The Great. Atomic Drop!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Viruz

["Sweat Pants in Hell" plays. The crowd boos.]

NH: Introducing next, this is Viruz!

Styles: Viruz, a former BOBster and now a member of the World Sports Entertainment.

SW: Viruz? Didn't he die?

Styles: I don't remember.

SW: Kill him again!

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

Styles: And he's brought laptop shots for all.

SW: Tell him to go to the bar and get me some real shots, then maybe we can talk.

Styles: Viruz Scan! The dragon sleeper locked in on Trable. But that leaves him wide open for a shitkick from Scatman!

SW: And The Great just grabbed Viruz's laptop!

CRACK!

Styles: Viruz feeling some "pain-tium" after that one.

SW: Who wrote that joke? Yikes.

Styles: Regardless, Viruz is in some HP now: Hardcore Pain.

SW: Enough with the laptop puns.

Styles: CD on Viruz! Now The Great has him. Twist of Great! British Fantastic ready now.

BMF: I say, what's my finisher?

The Great: A polite splash?

BMF: Sounds jolly good! I say, old bean, you wouldn't mind if I splash you, would you?

Viruz: *Gurgle*

Styles: Polite Splash! Now everyone's dragging the WSE member toward the corner.

SW: Stinkface time! Yes!

Styles: There it is! Viruz is going ass to mouth!

SW: Nothing new for him.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Jerri Li

["Holy Wars" by Megadeth.]

Styles: Jerri Li! Oh man, she didn't get the luck of the draw here. After just competing in that amazing ladder match, now she's coming into this Rumble at number six!

SW: And she's got a cheese grater.

Styles: Everyone's waiting for Jerri to get in. She goes after Viruz.

THUNK!

Styles: Cheesegrater shot! And there goes Viruz!

SW: But Viruz lost his laptop. And Scatman has it now to replace his broken false teeth weapon.

CRACK!

Styles: And Trable takes that shot.

SW: A shit shot.

Styles: OHMYGOD! Cheese grater to the balls! And British Mr. Fantastic gets dumped!

SW: Wow! That's TWO elimination for Jerri already! She's on her way to that Swiss Army Belt.

Styles: We'll see, there's still a long way to go.

SW: What's up with the ladder match? Nobody wants that yet?

Styles: I guess not yet. Although Jerri just took a look up at it. Maybe she wants to get rid of Great and Trable first.

THUD!

SW: Whoa! Fruit cake shot!

Styles: And Scatman is down. Trable and Jerri are struggling for an advantage with their weapons, as Trable's trying to rip open Jerri's forehead with his gold X, while Jerri's trying to shred Pete with the grater. Jerri whipped to the ropes. Trable misses a punch, but ooooooh! Jerri connected with that crotch punt. And now Jerri's choking Trable with his own chain. Twist of Great on Jerri! Flying Asshole by Scatman takes down The Great! And now everybody's down.

SW: Just in time for the…

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Steel Chair

["Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Steel Chair!

[Steel Chair, as is the norm of late, rappels in from the ceiling, making the crowd pop briefly. However, all the wrestlers are down, so nobody takes it off the zip line.]

Styles: Steel Chair is just hanging out I guess.

SW: Steel Chair doesn't have a weapon?

Styles: I think it's its own weapon.

SW: Ah. Huh?

Styles: Jerri's up first. She grabs Steel Chair.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Scatman: I thought we were…*falls over*

Styles: Jerri was so excited to have the chair that she hit everybody, even her own Fetish Freaks stablemate!

SW: Yeah, but he probably got off on it. He's a sick freak.

Styles: And Jerri tosses Steel Chair out!

NH: Ladies and gentlemen! The winner of one of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles, Jerri Li!

Styles: Jerri just won a title! And she's eliminated EVERYBODY so far.

SW: Including Sarah!

Styles: *Grumbles* What a night for BOB's queen of extreme. And she's heading out for the ladder now. She may win all the titles in this match with the way she's going. Ladder time! Back in, and the Jerri-copter is taking flight!

CRACK! CRACK!

SW: Whoa, Scatman just barely avoided that one.

Styles: Scatman heading up top as Jerri grabs The Great. Oh no! SPIKE TOMBSTONE ON THE LADDER! Trable's up! Oh man, he just blasted Jerri, and his hand is wrapped in that chain. Down goes Scatman. And Trable's checking on his partner now to see if The Great's OK. Trable going back to work. He's got Scatman.

CRACK!

Styles: CD on the ladder! Oh my GOD! And now he's got Jerri!

CRACK!

Styles: Another CD!

SW: He's droppin' them like they're hot, Styles.

Styles: Don't try to sound street. You fail. Epically.

SW: YOU fail epically.

Styles: Are you 8?

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

The Human Foreign Object

["Mr. Self-Destruct" by Nine Inch Nails hits. The crowd is indifferent to the extreme jobber.]

NH: Introducing next, the Human Foreign Object!

Styles: HFO heading around the ring. He's got Steel Chair. His mentor! They're reunited and it must feel so good for HFO.

SW: Steel Chair is already eliminated, but now he's in as a weapon, right?

Styles: Sounds right. HFO winds up, but misses Trable. OH MAN! CD for HFO on the ladder! Damn! Trable drags HFO to the nearest corner and gets on the second rope. He's about to rain down some some chain-wrapped fists.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Pete: Dafxupwitdat?

Styles: No! It isn't time yet! That was a count UP, not a count down.

SW: Our crew is so easily confused.

Styles: Scatman's got Trable! Powerbomb on the ladder!

Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Styles: HFO charges toward the corner.

HFO: ARRRRGH~!

THUD!

SW: Let me guess…Scream in the Wind?

Styles: And it just connected on Scatman. Hey! Viruz is back in! He's got his laptop.

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

Styles: Shots for Jerri, Scatman and HFO. And now Viruz is leaving to boos.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Kurt Angel

["I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" hits.]

Styles: Well isn't THIS interesting?

SW: Not really. It's just Kurt Angel.

Styles: Kurt and Viruz have a long history, and they're heading right for one another! We've got a brawl in the aisle. ANGEL SLAM ON THE FLOOR! Viruz has been wiped out. He's got Viruz's laptop now. Apparently that's HIS weapon as well?

SW: It is now.

Styles: Angel's in the ring. Heaven Suplex on Trable. Heaven Suplex for Scatman. Heaven Suplex for Jerri! Heaven Suplex on HFO!

THWUP!

Styles: The Great just NAILED Angel with that fruit cake. Apparently The Great is recovered from that vicious spike tombstone on the ladder. Twist of Great, no! Angel reverses into an Angel Lock! What a reversal! But a tap out won't do him any good here.

SW: This is why Kurt's doing jobber duty. He's lost his mind from all the drugs. He doesn't even know what kind of match he's in right now, I bet. Or city. Or state. Or continent!

Styles: Scatman and Jerri laying the ladder in the corner on the middle rope. What are they, oh no! Backdrop driver on HFO!

Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Styles: As if this match wasn't dangerous enough, now we had to add in a ladder match to the brutality.

SW: The ring's too crowded to even try for the hardcore title right now.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Chocolate Mr. Fantastic

["Candy Man" by Christina Aguilera hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Chocolate Mr. Fantastic!

Styles: Yes, it's BOB's first chocolate-coated substar.

SW: I'm hoping that he gets busted open so we can see if he's got caramel on the inside.

Styles: Chocolate's in. And he's blasting everybody with that Hershey bar.

SW: Hopefully not the kind that comes out of Scatman's ass.

Styles: I don't think so. Dropkick 2 by The Great takes out Chocolate. Jerri with a Thesz press and claws to the eyes of The Great.

SW: She must smell the Sarah on him.

Styles: Will you stop it? Oh man, Kurt must have the munchies. He's trying to eat one of Mr. Fantastic's fingers.

KA: Damnit! Get in my mouth!

Styles: Chairsault by HFO misses Trable. Angel Lock on Chocolate! Now he's going for a toe!

CMF: Stop trying to eat me! Would you like it if I tried to eat you?

KA: Eat me if you can, buster!

SW: Uh-oh! Jerri's got the ladder in The Great's crotch. Baseball slide dropkick!

Styles: And here comes Scatman with a skateboard fruit cake dropkick to his face, as The Great once again becomes a victim of his wife's own cooking.

BANG!

SW: Wow. HFO just took one nasty chair shot from Trable!

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Goo the Adventurer

["Hero" by Nickelback plays.]

NH: Introducing next, Goo the Adventurer.

Styles: It's another WSE entrant. I understand he's an extreme risk-taker. A great disturbance presented itself within the land of Hyperbolithica many years ago, in the form of an evil wizard known only as 'Disgruntledorf'. The evil wizard overthrew the king, and took the throne for himself. Disgrunteldorf turned everyone into his minions, except for Goo, who was lucky enough to escape.

SW: Borrr-ing.

Styles: Goo checking on Viruz, who's just NOW getting up? Man, rough night for Viruz. I think Vi's asking Goo to go get his laptop.

SW: What's that? A plastic sword?

Styles: Yep. Here comes Goo.

SW: Said the Scotty to the hooker.

Styles: Scotty!

SW: It's funny because it's true.

Styles: Goo's hitting everyone with his plastic sword.

SW: Ahahaha, and everyone's no-selling it! WSE invasion my ass!

Styles: All seven competitors are now stomping the crap out of Goo.

SW: And possibly Scatman, but that's just by accident.

Styles: He's going to be a pile of goo if this keeps up. The Great's got him. Elimination, no! Trable tries to toss him! No! Jerri grabs Goo and tries herself. Scatman for the elimination? No! Everybody wants to make eliminations because any one of these could win them a title, and the wrestler with the most will win the Swiss Army Belt.

SW: And everybody's brawling again. And somehow, Goo is still in there.

Styles: The Great's got Goo. Goodbye, Goo! And he tosses the plastic sword down on Goo as an exclamation point.

SW: So, Jerri's up 3-1 now for the Swiss Army Belt, yeah?

Styles: Correct.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Kid Pirate

["Symphony of Destruction" by Megadeth hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Kid Pirate!

SW: Finally, some Entities of Destruction! The rightful Swiss Army Belt holder. Kobe stole it from him on iMPLOSION 20!

Styles: He beat him for it. If the Acting BigBOSS wants the title, all he has to do is go win it. Simple. Pirate's in. Peg leg lariat on Trable. Lots of people tangled up in the ropes in traditional battle royal fashion. And Kid Pirate's drinking on the job.

SW: What a role model! He's truly an inspiration to me.

Styles: And the pace has slowed down greatly here, Scotty. A lot of these guys have been at this for more than 10 minutes now, including the first three entrants, The Great, Trable and Scatman.

SW: I'm surprised the jobbers have lasted this long. They haven't even been on any recent iMPLOSIONS. We must be getting close to some RCGs.

Styles: RCGs?

SW: Ring-clearing guys.

Styles: Ah. Hey! Good just got Viruz's laptop from the mat. And he's making a hasty retreat.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

XXXtreme Machine

["This is XXXtreme" by Harry Dick & The No-Tones hits.]

NH: Introducing next, XXXtreme Machine.

Styles: And XXXtreme Machine just took out Viruz and Goo in the aisle!

XM: o kul @ lqp tpo!!!

SW: *Snort*

Styles: And now XXXtreme Machine is bringing in Viruz's laptop as HIS weapon. Stunner on Viruz! Stunner on Goo! And now XXXtreme Machine's heading to the ring.

SW: Oh man, we aren't even halfway through yet? I need this clutter removed, stat!

XM: fuk u coclat m@n!!

Styles: And XXXtreme going right after Chocolate Mr. Fantastic for some reason.

SW: He's probably pissed that a chocolate clone of another wrestler is more over than he'll ever be.

Styles: Laptop shot takes down Chocolate Mr. Fantastic. And yes, Chocolate Mr. Fantastic is now wearing the, uh, caramel mask?

SW: He should've taken some aspirin before the match. It'd thin out his caramel.

Styles: Chocolate Mr. Fantastic up top. XXXtreme Stunner coming up? No! Super atomic drop by Chocolate!

SMASH!

Styles: Bottle of rum to XXXtreme Machine's skull! Chocolate Splash! And here it comes. The. Most. Painful. Move. In sports entertainment today. The Black Pearls by Kid Pirate! Chairsault on XXXtreme connects! Kurt's got XXXtreme now. Angel's Wings!

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Sir Zeno

["Bleed" by Meshuggah hits.]

NH: Introducing next, [Sir Zeno]!

SW: Sir Zeno?

Styles: No, no. [Sir Zeno].

SW: Uh-oh! Check this out. He's got his sword, and he's helping Goo up.

Styles: You call THAT helping? He just stabbed him and pulled him up as if his sword were a toothpick and Goo were an hors d'ouevre.

[SZ]: (Pointing at Goo's toy) You call THAT a sword? (Stabs him) This is a sword. You know, the thing impaling you right now. *Chuckles*

Styles: Oh, cut away, cut away!

*Camera returns to the ring, where we've got…brawling.*

SW: Oh holy crap! [Zeno] just chopped off Goo's head. And now he's sticking his finger down Viruz's throat, forcing him to vomit down his neck! Oh, the horror!

Styles: I'm so glad we're not watching that right now. Though I'm sure we've traumatized everyone with eyes in the arena tonight.

SW: Styles, Viruz just vomited down Goo's gaping neck wound. You know, where his head used to be.

Styles: I get it, thanks. No need to paint me a picture.

SW: Oh, no [Zeno], no! He just cut that little flap of skin out from under Viruz's tongue. And here comes Viruz's tongue. [Zeno] is now choking Viruz with his own bloody tongue. This is so wrong.

Styles: Please stop calling that action and focus on what's happening in the ring.

SW: Oh NO! Now [Zeno] is jerking off. But his money shot? It's not a load of semen. It's wasps! Oh, and the wasps are stinging Viruz! Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Styles: I'll take your word for it.

SW: Oh man, one of the wasps is flying around with Viruz's left eye on its stinger. Ga-ross!

Styles: Are you TRYING to make me vomit?

SW: Is it that easy?

Styles: Wait a minute. [Zeno] is in the ring. How could he be doing all that other stuff?

SW: He wasn't. I was just fucking with ya, pal!

Styles: *Sigh*

SW: Except about the part where he stabbed and killed both of them. That actually happened. Hilarious.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Cyborg Mr. Fantastic

*The Terminator theme song hits.*

NH: Introducing next, Cyborg Mr. Fantastic!

Styles: [Zeno] and Jerri going at it now. [Zeno] wasn't at all happy about getting his hair cut when he lost that bet in March Mayhem.

SW: Argh. Too many people. It's just punch, kick, lame attempt at lifting somebody out when you have no shot.

Styles: Kid Pirate's up top. HOODANCONRANA on HFO.

CRUSH!

Styles: OH MY GOD! XXXtreme Machine just took an extreme beer can shot to the skull from Cyborg Mr. Fantastic. And Cyborg just went bowling and took out everybody with XXXtreme Machine's body! He's looking for the ladder now.

SW: Does he even have knees?

Styles: Good question. And Cyborg apparently doesn't. So he opts to throw the ladder at everyone else in the ring. Everybody's down once again.

[SZ]: I'm not down! Let's go, trashcan.

Styles: [Zeno] grabs Cyborg Mr. Fantastic.

[SZ]: Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

SW: Eternal Question!

Styles: But Cyborg Mr. Fantastic shoves his way back up. Now they're trading punches mid-ring. Machine vs. man.

SW: [Zeno] isn't a man.

[SZ]: Oh, I'll gut you for that one, Whatbody.

SW: Everyone knows you're Detached Narrator. Action Asterisk Guy even took over when you appeared.

*'Tis true. Oh, btw, Cyborg is totally punching the crap out of [Zeno], but [Zeno] is no selling to new heights of assholiness.*

[SZ]: Oooh, I like that. You underbeings may refer to me as Your Assholiness. Are you still punching me?

Styles: Hammerlock on Cyborg Mr. Fantastic!

SW: I think he's trying to make Cyborg Mr. Fantastic fingerfuck himself.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt

*"Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing" by Discharge hits.*

NH: Introducing next, The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt!

SW: The title's hanging above the ring.

Styles: Right! Somebody's gotta get up there to win it, and then somebody has to throw it out to eliminate it.

SW: Amazing.

Styles: So, nobody else has entered the fray.

SW: Twelve guys are still alive. And XXXtreme Machine is one of them. This is so sad. Nobody can eliminate HIM?

Styles: Zeno still has Cyborg Mr. Fantastic tied up. Superkick into a chair into HFO! And HFO is gone! And now with his free hand, [Zeno] slices off Chocolate Mr. Fantastic's head! And he kicks it into the audience!

SW: But his feet haven't touched the floor. He's technically still alive. Well, in the match anyway. Not so much with the not having a head part.

Styles: Kid Pirate tosses the rest of Chocolate Mr. Fantastic. Hold on! Great and Trable with a double hip toss and XXXtreme Machine is now out!

SW: Who gets that one?

Styles: Umm…I'm being told they get half an elimination.

SW: Man, I've never seen anybody do things to cyborgs that [Zeno] is doing right now. He's superhuman.

[SZ]: Oh, come on. I'm god-like. Admit it. Here. Check this out.

*The TinyTron lights up.*

[SZ]: Say hello to Fresno.

Styles: Isn't that where Trable used to live?

[SZ]: Indeed. That's his new apartment complex. He's just about to finally get out of The Great's house. But oops. I have a remote control.

*The apartment complex implodes as [Zeno] hits a button.*

[SZ]: Ahahaha. I'm so evil.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Death

*"Symphony of Destruction" by Megadeth hits.*

NH: Introducing next, this is, DEATH!

Styles: Death's weapon of choice is Trey Vincent's various hidden cams from Michelle's apartment superglued together

SW: By the time Death gets down here, we'll probably be up to the 23rd entrant.

Styles: The brawl is on. In the chase for the Swiss Army Belt, Jerri Li is in the lead still, and the closest challenger is The Great, who has 1.5 eliminations to Jerri's 3. Death's in. And he's brought knee lifts for everybody. No effect on Cyborg Mr. Fantastic. And he can't get at [Zeno] who's using Cyborg as a shield.

SW: Touch of Death on Cyborg Mr. Fantastic.

*Nothing happens*

SW: And again!

*A whole lot of nothing still happens*

SW: And…ooh, Press and Hold of Death!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Mr. Fantastic's skin is melting.

Death: Oh, phew. You're just made of metal. 'Fraid I was losing my touch for a second.

Cyborg Mr. Fantastic: (Metallic voice) Does anybody else feel a draft?

Styles: Death tosses Cyborg Mr. Fantastic!

SW: Check this out. Kid Pirate, Kurt Angel and Death are now all going after The Great and Trable. It's a heel majority, Styles.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

 

*"Epic" by Faith No More plays.*

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is HollyRock.

Styles: It's time for more WSE. Oh man! You weren't kidding about Viruz and Goo getting stabbed horribly.

[SZ]: Oooh, fresh WSE meat.

Styles: Here he comes. [Zeno] charges him and swings with his sword. Misses. Blockbuster! And here it comes, the worst move in parody sports entertainment today. The Box Office Disaster. OH MY GOD!

SW: Now that's a reversal I've never seen before. A sword to the arm.

Styles: [Zeno] just tossed HollyRock for his second elimination of the match. One more and he ties Jerri Li. And how about The Great and Pete Trable hanging on still? Entrant number 19 is next, and these two have been here since the beginning.

SW: And it looks like it. They're blown up. BOB matches generally don't go past 15 minutes.

Styles: Meanwhile, it seems as though the Fetish Freaks and Entities of Destruction have put away the issues from iMPLOSION 20. Good news for them, bad news for everybody else who's left in the ring.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Cyborg Angelina X

*"Wax Ecstatic (To Sell Angelina)" by Sponge hits.*

NH: Introducing next, Cyborg Angelina X.

Styles: Reinforcement has arrived for Trable and The Great, who were just teetering on the edge of elimination. And her regular arms have been replaced by a chain and a bullrope! Oh my GOD! Chain to Death! Bullrope to Kid Pirate! Chain to Scatman! Bullrope to Jerri! Chain to [Zeno], which he no-sells. Bullrope on Angel. She's taken down everybody.

*Angelina cocks her head to the side and approaches [Zeno].*

SW: The hell? She just bit off a hunk of his hair!

[SZ]: Hey! You metal bitch! Regurgitate my hair now or prepare for your disassemblement.

SW: Is that even a word?

Styles: The Great from behind. HEGOTHIM! [Zeno] is eliminated!

[FUCK! I'll get even with The Great for this!]

SW: Save it for the sequel. Or an iMPLOSION. Whatever.

Styles: Let's see who's at number 20…

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

["You Know You're Right" by Nirvana hits.]

SW: Oh, get ready, Styles. The match just changed completely.

Styles: It can get worse than totally sucking? This I must see!

SW: Hey!

Styles: If YOU aren't making fun of Axl anymore, that leaves me. Axl's in with his black bat, and man, he's laying people out. Oh, and he's looking for Jerri! OH MY GOD! Fisherman neckbreaker with a bat assist! That was brutal! Trable and Angel fighting up top. Axl leaps! OH MY GOD! DOUBLE SUPER SINISTER SLICE!

SW: Did I tell you or did I tell you? I got Axl ready, baby! I'm in the fucking money! Next month, Axl vs. either Kobe or SMP for the title.

Styles: He just spied Jerri once again. Shot in the Dark, but Jerri with a cheese grater low blow!

Crowd: Ohhhhh!

Styles: Goodbye momentum.

SW: Goodbye momentum? Goodbye testicles.

Styles: Great unloading on Scatman in the corner. Death and Cyborg Angelina X are in the middle of a no-selling tug of war. Literally, with her bullrope arm.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Viet Kong/Terra Rism

["Charlie's Angels Theme" by Vietallica hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Viet Kong.

Styles: Thankfully, no "Charlie" tonight, but he does have a kendo stick. And Kong goes after Cyborg Angelina X! Rice Cannon! Off the ropes. Another one! And a third eliminates Angelina!

SW: Watch out for Kurt!

Styles: Belly to belly suplex from the top? OH MY GOD! Axl just shoved Kurt and Trable to the floor! Chalk up two eliminations for your boy, Scotty.

SW: Brilliant. Axl just gave it to ya, Pete!

Styles: Jerri Li still in the lead with three eliminations, Great with 2.5, and now Axl with 2. Every elimination will be crucial as we head down the home stretch.

SW: See? If Pete wasn't so selfish, he wouldn't have had to get credit on that XXXtreme Machine elimination. Pete's in it for himself.

Styles: That's the way it's supposed to be! Jerri and Axl brawling in one corner now. Great and Kid Pirate going at it. Death and Viet Kong are battling mid-ring and Kong's kendo stick just broke after one shot on Death.

SW: Death killed a kendo stick?

Styles: Scatman's taking a breather.

Crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

HONK!

Pretty Boy

["Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)" by Jonas Brothers hits.]

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pretty Boy.

SW: Um, Styles?

Styles: Yes, Scotty?

SW: Have you noticed that the fans have been counting the wrong way for the last half-hour or so?

Styles: No. They are?

SW: I can't tell if they're dyslexic or The Flunky's holding up the wrong cue card. All I know is, the scriptwriter just realized it, and he's not going back to fix it now with cut and paste.

Styles: OK. If you say so. OH MY GOD!

SW: What?

Styles: Look!

SW: Did Viet Kong just pull an Ozzy Osbourne on Pretty Boy?

Styles: He just bit off her head!

SW: Wow. I heard she was having a contract dispute, but that seems a bit extreme.

Styles: And Pretty Boy is gone, as Viet Kong tosses her headless macaw carcass to the floor.

SW: No animals were harmed during the filming of his On-Demand. Wait, are birds animals?

Styles: Yes!

SW: Oh. Then, never mind my prior statement. Thank you!

Styles: Whoa! Axl just dumped Viet Kong, who was picking feathers out of his teeth!

SW: Yes! And he just tied Jerri for the lead while eliminating Kong, who had two eliminations.

Styles: The Great, Scatman, Jerri Li, Kid Pirate, the hardcore title belt, Death and Axl are all still in this match.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Styles: Who is number 23?

SW: Hopefully not Jim Carrey. Did THAT movie ever suck or what?

Joe Bananas

["California Love" by Dr. Dre/2Pac hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Joe Bananas!

Styles: Here comes Joe and his giant plastic banana. Joe's up! Springboard Asai moonsault takes out Jerri and Scatman! Joe quickly back out. Springboard dropkick to Death! He's got Axl! Coconut Crusher! Bananas is just flying around out there.

SW: Nobody gets as HIGH as Joe Bananas.

Styles: Yep, quite an impressive vertical leap. The Great and Scatman, entrants number two and three, now are brawling in the corner. Bananas grabs Death and Kid Pirate. Are you kidding me? Double sliced bread number two? Unbelievable! Bananas is on fire.

SW: Bananas Flambeau?

Styles: He's got Pirate and launches him. Oh, Pirate hit the top of the steel post, he went so far there. Backdrop backbreaker by Bananas!

SW: The Four B?

Styles: But Bananas turns into a Sinister Slice from Axl! Jerri has the cheese grater. Look out Axl!

SW: Oh no! Does one REALLY need a forehead?

Styles: I think we're about to find out. This is horrendous! Axl just jabbed her in the eyes.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Hamster Girl

[“Zap Your Channel” by DJ Sharpnel hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Hamster Girl!

Styles: And she's bringing her own fuzzy pink ladder, as well as a novelty foam finger. She's still the hardcore champion until somebody else grabs that title hanging above the ring.

SW: She is so softcore, it isn't funny.

Styles: Twist of Great on Scatman! Jerri grabs The Great. Tombstone! But she walks into Sweet Splinters In Your Chin Music! Sinister Slice on Kid Pirate by Axl. Death has Axl. Netherworld Powerbomb! Coconut Crusher '08 for Death by Bananas! Pink mist to Bananas! Everybody's down except for Hamster Girl! Well played, ma'am!

SW: She's going to get the title!

Styles: Hamster Girl's got the ladder set up. Here she goes. But Scatman's up. He's got the ladder and Hamster Girl falls throat first onto the top rope! Scatman and Jerri now heading to the floor.

SW: It's table time!

Styles: You aren't kidding! Scatman and Jerri just pulled out, what, four, no, make that six tables. Dear lord. And they're stacking them up. Three rows of two. Bananas and Death slugging it out. Bananas whipped, but he kicks the fuzzy ladder into Death's skull. Bananas quickly climbing up the ladder now! Hold on. Axl's up the other side. Both guys trading fists, just a few inches away from the title. OH MY GOD! Axl with a sunset flip powerbomb from the top of the ladder on Bananas, a version of his Evil-ution bomb.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Tia Tarr

["Enae Volare Mezzo" by Era hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Tia Tarr!

Styles: And Tia's got a trampoline. Aemoh press takes out everybody! Oh my GOD! Backflip kick on Jerri! Backflip kick on Scatman. Backflip kick for Kid Pirate. Axl caught her! OH NO! He just powerbombed her onto her trampoline on the floor. But she bounces up and lands on the apron!

SW: Bwahahaha! That was just bad luck there.

Styles: Axl charges, but here goes Tia. Multiple revolution headscissors takedown on Axl. Now she connects with the backflip kick on Axl.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

["Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Snapmare Kid.

Styles: SMK charges in. Snapmare attempt on Tia, but she lands on her feet. He tries again. Same result. A third attempt. No luck. The Great charges and clotheslines SMK to the floor! SMK is done!

SW: Oh no! And I think The Great just took the lead with 3.5 eliminations! Fuckity fuck fuck!

Styles: Rana bomb by Tia Tarr on Kid Pirate. She's heading up top. Death going after her, but he's way too slow. 900 splash! Death grabs for her, but Tia's flying around him like a hulahoop! Bulldog! Axl's got Pirate! Kid Pirate's eliminated!

SW: Back in the lead! That's four!

Styles: Bring on number 27!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

 

["Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Redd W. Bloo.

Styles: Representing the WSE, it's the ultimate American patriot, Red W. Bloo. And he's got Old Glory with him.

SW: Oh no! Not that bitch who used to be BigBOSS's secretary.

Styles: No, the FLAG!

SW: That's a relief.

Styles: The WSE hasn't faired too well tonight, but without the threat of disembowelment here, let's see how this guy does. And how is The Great still in this thing. What an amazing performance tonight. Here comes Bloo. And there goes Bloo.

SW: Easiest paycheck of his life!

Styles: Jerri Li just dug the claws into his nipples and tossed him to the floor.

NH: Ladies and gentlemen… The winner of the OTHER half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles, Jerri Li!

SW: What?

Styles: Oh my GOD! Jerri won both tag titles all by herself? Are you kidding me? GFP2 is Jerri's night. Plus, I think she's now tied with Axl for the lead in eliminations.

SW: Shit. She is. Axl and Jerri both have four, and The Great has 3.5. That's really dangerous now, because if he gets one pin, he hops over both of them!

Styles: Look out! The Jerri-copter is going again. But this time, it's fuzzier.

SW: But I bet it still hurts like hell.

Styles: Great, Death, Axl, Bananas, Hamster Girl and Tia all go down from the Jerri-copter. Could Jerri do the unimaginable now, and climb up and get the hardcore title, to add to her tag titles?

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Christian St. Christian

[“Pokemolesting Dead Hamsters” by Execution hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Christian St. Christian!

Styles: And now all the Fetish Freaks are in this thing. As if they didn't have enough momentum already. Jerri and Scatman are both climbing the ladder. Uh-oh. We've got an argument about who gets the title!

SW: Christian's up top. Double stomp on Hamster Girl missed.

Styles: She rolled out of the way, and right into the ladder! Oh, but Jerri and Scatman are able to get a foot on the top rope to avoid a nasty fall through those six tables. They push back, and the ladder rights itself. Look out! Netherworld Powerbomb on Scatman! Evil-ution Bomb on Jerri! Now Death and Axl climbing up the ladder!

SW: They've got company.

Styles: Tia just climbed over Death's back. TORNADO DDT FROM THE LADDER ON AXL!

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Styles: The Great's up to stop Death. SUPERPLEX! Christian grabs the ladder and puts it on top of Hamster Girl Oh no! Ultimate Crush on the ladder and Hamster Girl! It's a car wreck out here! Everybody's down!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

 

["Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyd.]

NH: Introducing next, "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens.

SW: Just what the world needs, another Austin parody. The guy hasn't been relevant in like seven years, people!

Styles: He goes for The Great. Drunk Ass Drop! No! Great shoves him away, right into Joe! And goodbye, Stevens. Bananas just sent him flying, and Bananas could still get in the running with plenty of people left to eliminate.

SW: Plus it doesn't hurt that he's the only one standing.

Styles: Right. Joe looking for the hardcore title here, actually. Can he make it up before anybody else gets up? Here comes Christian St. Christian. They're trading punches on top. Oh, what a hip toss by Bananas, and both men crash to the mat. The Great grabs the ladder.

SMACK!

Styles: Ooh, and just blasted Christian in the face. And there goes Christian St. Christian!

SW: Hey! Axl's got Tia! Oh no! Rana over the ropes!

Styles: Look at this. Both of them are hanging on by the legs and fighting upside down like bats. I've never seen anything like this before.

SW: Here comes Jerri!

Styles: And there goes Tia! Tia's eliminated! Axl quickly gets out of the way, and Jerri flies through the ropes! But she isn't eliminated, as she didn't go over the top rope.

SW: Jerri's got 5, Great's got 4.5, Axl with 4.

Styles: Death's up. He's going for Hamster Girl. Touch of Death misses. Misses again. Flying Asshole by Scatman. Scatman backs up! Death catches him in mid-air! Sideslam! Great and Axl going at it now! Look at them fight.

CRACK!

Styles: Flying ladder ends that.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Kevin the Pyromaniac

["Firestarter" by Prodigy hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Kevin the Pyromaniac!

Styles: And look at Kevin eyeing those tables. He's gotta be loving that.

THUNK!

SW: But not loving having that banana hit him in the nose. Hey, where's his flamethrower?

Styles: Fire department. Something about not wanting him to burn down the arena and mass casualties.

SW: Pussies.

Styles: Oh no! He has Axl's bat. He's setting it on fire! Flaming bat on Death! The ladder's on fire. THE LADDER IS ON FIRE! And Kevin's trying to climb it?

SW: Flaming cheese grater! Jerri's back. And her weapon is somehow flammable as well.

Styles: Can somebody please get a fire extinguisher out here? Hey! The Great just dumped Scatman! That's 5.5! The Great is in the lead for the Swiss Army Belt!

SW: Shitcuntyfucker!

Styles: Axl's got Hamster Girl! And she gets tossed! Axl tied for second with 5 eliminations. It's pretty obvious that one of these three BOBsters will get the Swiss Army Belt.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Trey Vincent

["Not All Who Wander are Lost" by DevilDriver hits.]

NH: Introducing next, Trey Vincent!

Styles: Hold on. I thought Trey promised no shenanigans. How in the hell did he end up with this slot?

SW: I'd guess either extremely good luck, or extreme abuse of power.

Styles: Hold on! Death is gone! The Great just dumped Death! But Axl just superkicked Bananas out! 6.5 eliminations by The Great. 6 by Axl. 5 for Jerri. And now here comes Trey Vincent. And I think we all know who got number 32.

SW: I think we'll get a nice MegaBrawl III preview tonight.

Styles: The Great. Jerri Li. Axl. Kevin the Pyromaniac. And Trey Vincent.

SW: And don't forget that stupid title belt is still eligible. I swear, if it wins itself again, I'm quitting. Again.

Styles: Trey's in. And he's unloading on everyone with punches. Shocking Conclusion, and Jerri bounces out of the ring!

SW: Trying to impress the boss, much?

Styles: Axl charges right into a spinebuster. Kevin's climbing the ladder! And Trey's letting him?

SW: Trey just gave Kevin a thumbs up? The hell?

Styles: Vincent stomping Axl to keep him down. Kevin's got The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt! He did it!

SW: OH NO!

CA-CA-CA-CRUNCH!!!

Styles: OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD! Trey just tipped Kevin over off the ladder through the six stacked tables!

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the NEWWW You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion, Kevin the Pyromaniac!

SW: Axl!

Styles: TREY'S GONE!

SW: BWAHAHAHAHA! AXL ELIMINATED TREY VINCENT! AHAHAHAHA!

Styles: And Trey is PISSED!

[Axl collapses in the middle of the ring, exhausted.]

SW: What's the score? What's the score? What's the FUCKING SCORE!

Styles: It's, uh…7 Axl. 6.5 The Great.

SW: We may win the Swiss Army Belt AND be the number one contender? Oh hell yes!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

HONK!

Steve Studnuts

["War" by Sick Puppies.]

NH: And the final entrant, Steve Studnuts!

Styles: And Vincent is laying in wait with his skull cane. Studnuts is laughing as he gets inside. He's got his condom filled with concrete ready. Axl's a sitting duck. OH NO! Axl moves. Kicks to the head. Sinister Slice! No! Studnuts powers Axl up. Fairy-Go-Round coming up!

CRACK!

SW: Vincent blasted Studnuts with the cane! And there goes Studnuts! Axl has just eliminated both Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts back to back! Unbelievable.

NH: Ladies and gentlemen…the NEW Swiss Army Belt champion, Axl!

Styles: And Axl's celebrating! He thinks he's won the match.

SW: Axl! You forgot The Great! AXL!

Styles: The Great's back in. Fruit cake to Axl's face. And The Great tosses Axl! THE GREAT WINS! THE GREAT WINS! The Great is the number one contender! Oh my GOD! What a Rumble match. The Great lasted the ENTIRE match, starting at number two.

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, and the number one contender, The Greeeeeeat!

Styles: The action isn't over. Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts are brawling their way backstage. What a wild Rumble. Up next, it's the big one. Kobe Gyant vs. SMP. Let's go to the video package.

[Video package goes here. I'm sure it's swanky. When it's done, we return to the decluttered ring. The bell dings.]

Kobe GyantDr. Silaconne M. Plants

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event, to be held in the confines of this steel cage, and it is for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

["Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew hits. The crowd cheers as Kobe steps out and strolls to the ring.]

NH: Introducing first, the challenger. He's from Los Santos and weighs in at 280 pounds, Kobe Gyant!

Styles: Kobe's first main event match, and his first shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

SW: Styles, SMP has done it all except beat Kobe. Tonight, he does. And then there's nobody left to even challenge SMP. He's beaten everyone!

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. The cheers turn to boos as the CHAMP steps out, wearing a Boston Celtics jersey.]

NH: And his opponent. He is the reigning and defending ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. He's from Naples, Italy, and weighs 240 pounds, the Sinister Surgeon, the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!

[Announcers are silent as Plants enters the cage. The Flunky locks the door behind him, and Kobe and SMP stare at each other.]

Styles: And here we go! Tie-up, no! SMP forearms Gyant, who goes down. SMP laying in the boots.

SW: Careful, you might bruise his giant ego.

Styles: Kobe uses his feet to shove SMP away and gets up, and Kobe responds with some elbows of his own. Kobe stomping away on the CHAMP, as this crowd comes alive! Vicky Jean pulling Kobe back as SMP is in the ropes.

SW: Rope breaks? It's a cage match!

Styles: Kobe grabs SMP now.

Crowd: BOOM!

Styles: And send him right into the cage! And now Kobe's trying to shred SMP's face like lettuce! Damn!

SW: Oh yeah! Bring on the blood, baby!

Styles: SMP fighting back. He's unloading with punches.

Crowd: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOO!

Styles: Fast exchange of chops there, and Kobe's got SMP for a spinning blackbreaker!

SW: Did you just say "blackbreaker"?

Styles: That's what he calls his version of the backbreaker.

SW: Umkay.

Styles: COVER! One! Two and no! Kobe looking to send SMP to the cage again, but SMP, who's already wearing the proverbial crimson mask, is holding on for dear life. Plants unloading with more punches.

SW: Man, Kobe hasn't been rocked this hard since his last paternity suit!

Styles: SMP climbing the ropes to hit some sort of maneuver, no! Kobe's got him!

CLINK! CLINK! CLINK!

SW: Stop him, Styles! He's pressing SMP into the roof!

Styles: And down goes SMP from the gorilla press slam. Kobe's heading to the top rope now. Five-and-a-quarter-star frog splash! The move that's so good they had to redo the entire five-star rating system!

SW: If that's the case, why isn't it a six-star splash?

Styles: He couldn't get as high due to the roof. Otherwise, I'm assured, it would've been a six-star splash.

SW: I saw him hanging out with Joe Bananas earlier. I'm sure he's PLENTY high right now.

Styles: SMP goes for the ride. Another gorilla press slam on SMP! Kobe's looking to wear down SMP's back, perhaps to lock in the Dribbler Crossface.

SW: SMP is the king of the cage. No way will SMP tap out tonight.

Styles: Kobe's got SMP cornered now. What is this?

[Kobe grabs the roof of the cage, puts his left foot on the top rope for balance, and with his right foot, begins reigning down stomps on SMP's face.]

Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!

Styles: SMP just got ten size fifteens right in his face. Talk about innovative offense! Kobe scoops up Plants and just javelins him right into the cage!

Crowd: BOOM!

Styles: And to the other side!

Crowd: BOOM!

Styles: Kobe tosses him into the third side!

Crowd: BOOM!

Styles: And the fourth, no! SMP slips free and Kobe tastes the steel!

SW: I'm surprised Kobe's so popular here. Isn't Pennsylvania where all those bitter, gun-clinging racists live?

Styles: Scotty!

SW: Just calling a spade a spade. Just like Pennsylvanians call black people spades still.

Styles: Do they really?

SW: I assume. There are racists everywhere, Styles.

Styles: Low kick by SMP. Neckbreaker. Cover! One, two and no! SMP pulls up the number one contender. SMP behind him and OH MY GOD! He just pulled Kobe down so his neck landed on both of Plants' knees!

SW: That was awesome!

Styles: One! Two! And no! Plants quickly up and grabs Kobe.

SW: Breast Implant DDT!

Styles: He got all of that one. One! Two! Kobe kicks out. And Plants is looking a little frustrated. But he's going right back on the offense. SMP puts Kobe up on his shoulder, but Kobe elbows his way free. Superstarkick misses. Plants grabs him again, Kobe slides off his shoulders again. Kobe just faked out Plants. Flipping leg drop connects to the back of SMP's skull! Cover! One! Two! No! Plants kicked out.

Crowd: Ko-be! Ko-be! Ko-be!

Styles: No doubt who the fans want to see win this one.

SW: I knew there was a reason we didn't come back here for so long. Who could stand entertaining people who cheer for Kobe?

Styles: Kobe's baseball slide dropkick missed, and now SMP just pounding away on Kobe with rights. And there's a blatant choke.

SW: Hey, it's all legal until Vicky Jean hits five.

Styles: And look at this? While SMP's arguing with Vicky, SMP's got his right shin on Kobe's throat!

SW: Quit lying, Styles. That's just an optical illusion.

Styles: Plants drags up Kobe. And Kobe goes into the cage this time. On the rebound, Plants gets him up. Siliconne Valley Driver connects! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREENO! Kobe kicked out.

SW: Slow count!

Styles: Quit lying, Scotty. Your ears are playing tricks on you again.

SW: Get your own bit!

Styles: Now what is SMP doing? He's kicking at the cage. Is he trying to escape?

SW: No! SMP's not a pussy. But with The Flunky's crappy cage construction skills, it shouldn't take much to tear that piece of shit cage apart.

Styles: Hold on. Heidi's handing something to Plants! It's Steel Chair! It must've been hiding under the ring since Human Foreign Object was eliminated earlier tonight!

SW: You were expecting it to walk its way out of the arena?

Styles: Plants drops Steel Chair on the mat, and it looks like he wants to end this match now. Is he going to Nipple Cutter him on the chair? Oh no! NO! Kobe reverses into the Dribbler Crossface! It's locked in the center of the ring! The crowd has jumped to their feet!

SW: All he has to do is get to the ropes.

Styles: What happened to Mr. "Rope-Breaks?-It's-A-Cage-Match!

SW: If you aren't careful, he'll be leaving a chocolate surprise in your bags after the show.

Styles: You wouldn't dare!

SW: C'mon, Plants! I don't believe in change or black people!

Styles: Scotty!

SW: Sorry, I just don't. There. I said it.

Styles: Complaint letters can be send to BOB HQ in Sin City. SMP's in a lot of pain here. He rolls it! COVER! ONE! TWO! Kobe rolls it back! He didn't let go! SMP must've been counting on Kobe breaking it there. Plants better have another trick up his sleeve.

SW: He's dodged scarier malpractice lawsuits than this.

Styles: SMP to his knees. Look at this! He's got Kobe up!

BANG!

Styles: And he just dropped him back first onto the chair! COVER! ONE! TWO! Kobe kicks out! What a match you're seeing here, fans.

SW: Oh baby! He just yanked up Vicky's skirt! It's BOB's own G-string diva! Humina humina humina!

Styles: And Kobe sees it! Sexy blondes are his biggest weakness.

SW: That and his crippling inability to use birth control.

BANG!

Styles: And Plants just blasted Gyant with a chair shot! Cover! But Vicky's still trying to get her skirt back in place. Plants yelling for her. Here we go! One! Two! NO! Kobe gets a shoulder up!

SW: You screwed Plants! You screwed Plants!

Styles: Now what's Heidi doing? The ring bell? SMP grabs it from her. Kobe's up!

DING!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Kobe just blasted the chair into the bell into SMP's face! Plants is done! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREENO! Plants got the shoulder up! Unbelievable!

SW: This is their hero? A man who hits a wounded, bloody man with a chair?

Styles: Excuse me? It was OK when SMP hit Kobe with the chair.

SW: Of course it was! Kobe deserves it for hitting SMP with the chair.

Styles: Your brain doesn't work like our human brains, does it?

SW: No, it's at a much higher level you'll never be able to comprehend.

Styles: Now Kobe's ripping the turnbuckle pad off.

SW: Man, that's rusty under there. No wonder why we don't take that thing off. I hope both guys have gotten their tetanus shots lately.

Styles: Kobe looking for an EXTREME version of the Slam Dunk here to finish off Plants. Eye poke!

SW: Beautiful counter.

Styles: And Kobe gets catapulted into the rusty turnbuckle! Kobe may be knocked out. He's slouched down in the corner, Scotty.

SW: Take him to school, SMP! Give him his Med Degree! There's no higher honor than receiving your Med Degree from SMPU.

Styles: SMP's setting up the chair now on the mat.

SW: It's time to destroy Kobe.

Styles: Kip up! Superstarkick connects! But Kobe can't capitalize with the cover. He's trying to claw his way over and make the cover. The ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is only three seconds away from being his.

SW: Nononononono!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE! AWWWW!

Styles: PLANTS KICKED OUT! Oh my GOD! What a match! Kobe is shocked. But he's not stopping. He may be looking for the Shooting All-Star Press here, Scotty.

SW: Can you even hit that move with the cage there? Oh, this is going to be a spectacular fail.

Styles: Don't count Kobe out.

BANG!

SW: Yes! Plants just launched the chair and nailed him in the head! Hahahaha!

Styles: Plants is up. OHMYGOOOD! SUPERNIPPLE CUTTER! COVER!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!

Styles: NO!! KOBE KICKED OUT!

SW: BULLFUCKINGSHIT! This isn't MegaBrawl! He can't be kicking out of finishers like that!

Styles: Both men are down. Plants has his hands on his head as if to say, "What do I have to do to pin this kid." Kobe is showing us a LOT here tonight. But I think he still wants to get that pin.

SW: Yeah, if he can't beat SMP, then he's truly just another choker.

Styles: Plants grabs the chair and sets it up once again. Fans, this is why we call it THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. No matter who wins here tonight, they have busted their asses and put on one of the greatest main events in BOB's history.

SW: SMP's busted his ass more.

Styles: Oh, whatever. SMP pulls up Gyant! Med Degree! No! Kobe with a backdrop, but Plants with a sunset flip. Kobe rolls out. Dropkick to the face! Kobe drags up SMP. Slam Dunk to the exposed buckle! Oh no! SMP's head rebounded right into Kobe's face, and Kobe and SMP just tripped over Vicky! No!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE!

Styles: Kobe landed on Plants, but Vicky's stunned. And Kobe's trying to revive her.

[Kobe begins giving her mouth to mouth, with some breast and lower abdominal rubs.]

SW: Whoa baby! And boy is it working!

Styles: I pray you're not talking about your penis. *Ahem* Well, there's a lawsuit when Vicky watches the video. SMP with a low blow! MED DEGREE ON THE CHAIR! COVER!

SW: Oh man! How ironic is this? Kobe resuscitated Vicky, only to have her count him out!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!

Styles: Damnit! SMP did it.

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner. And STILLLLL BOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, DR. SILACONNE MMMMMM. PLANNNNNNTS!

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. The crowd is now a mixture of boos and cheers, turning mostly to boos as the result has settled in.]

SW: That was fucking awesome. Blood. G-strings. Heelosity. What a great way to end the show!

Styles: Kobe deserved better than that. If not for that fluky part where all three of them collided, it would've been over.

[Cut to the parking lot. A limo has arrived. The rear door is open.]

SW: Oh no! Joanie Laurer's here?

Styles: She did promise to give Plants the biggest congratulation of his life if he retained the title.

SW: Yeah. I'm surprised he didn't job the title just to avoid that. Ich! Hey, where are Death and Kid Pirate? Shouldn't they be out here beating down Kobe or something?

Styles: That's a very good question, Scotty. Heidi's checking on the bloody ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS now and–

["Holy Wars" by Megadeth hits.]

SW: Wrong Megadeth song, geniuses. His song is "Symphony of Destruction."

Styles: Hold on. Scotty, look.

Jerri Li

SW: Since when is Joanie Laurer Chinese? Or Vietnamese. Whatever.

Styles: That's not Joanie. That's Jerri Li!

SW: Why's she out here?

Styles: Earlier tonight, Jerri sent Sarah out of BOB forever and won both Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Titles. Jerri made a peace offering to SMP earlier tonight. Maybe she's just out here to congratulate him?

[Hometown girl Jerri gets a decent amount of cheers as she climbs into the ring. She asks for the mic from Heidi, who grabs it for her.]

Styles: Jerri's helping SMP get to his feet?

SW: What's going on, Styles? I'm working without a script here and I don't like it. I might say something not funny.

Styles: And that's NEVER happened before to you.

SW: Exactly. Wait. Why did you emphasize "never" there?

Jerri: Sil…I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news? Joanie Laurer isn't your secret admirer.

SMP: Are you sure you understand the concept of "bad news"? That's fantastic news!

Jerri: The good news. I know who is your secret admirer.

SMP: You do?

Jerri: I am.

SMP: Look, I know you're foreign and this is probably your second language, but I think you meant to say, "you do."

Jerri: I do?

SMP: No, you do.

Jerri: But I am.

SMP: You am what?

Jerri: Your secret admirer.

SMP: What? No you're not. Joanie Laurer is.

[Jerri gets down on her hands and knees and begins rubbing up and down on his body.]

Jerri: Fuck, you're so sexy covered in blood. I want you in me so bad!

SW: WHAT?

Styles: Jerri is SMP's secret admirer?

SW: I forgot all about that angle.

[Jerri stands back up.]

Jerri: I sent you the notes. I sent you the flowers. And my initials are JL. And I want you to stick your scalpel in my stink.

SMP: You? Hmm. Do YOU have a tiny man penis?

Jerri: No. But I'll do things to you tonight that people will be talking about a thousand years from now.

SW: Does that mean she has a camera?

Styles: Drunken Idiots, I just don't know…

SW: Hey!

Styles: What the hell? Jerri just blasted SMP with a pipe! And the Drunken Idiots are going crazy!

SW: She does like it rough…

["People=Shit" by Slipknot hits.]

Styles: Now what?

ScatmanTrey Vincent

SW: It's Scatman! Wait, what's that in his hands?

Styles: It looks like a…dookie-covered briefcase? And there's Trey Vincent!

SW: Oh, I don't like the looks of this at all!

Styles: Scatman opens up the briefcase. It's beer!

SW: Really shitty beer. Must be Keystone.

Styles: That's no ordinary case. That's the Beer in the Belly case! That's the one Axl won last year at UnFOUORgiven, but then had stolen by Dr. Thrilla, before Trey stole it and tried to sell it to the highest bidder! Unfortunately for Vincent, this is BOB and nobody could afford it.

SW: I think he successfully sold it, Styles.

Styles: Jerri's restraining Nurse Heidi. Kobe's still down.

SW: Wow, Kobe's really mastered the art of over-selling.

Styles: And we've got a match?

ScatmanDr. Silaconne M. Plants

TV: Ladies and gentlemen! Scatman is cashing in HIS Beer In The Belly with me. Therefore, the following match is set for one SMP loss. Introducing first, unconscious in the ring, the reigning and defending ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants! And the challenger, from wherever the fuck he's from, Scatman! And since the bell is busy at the moment, ding, ding, ding.

Styles: Shitkick by Scatman! Cover! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!

[HUGE pop.]

TV: Dingdingding. Here is your winner, and NEWWWWWWWWWWWWW ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, Scatman! Wow, it took a man covered in doo-doo to surpass Axl as the shittiest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in BOB history.

Styles: Scatman's done it? The boyhood dream is now a reality?

SW: His boyhood dream was to win the world title while covered in feces?

Styles: I didn't say it was normal!

SW: What a shitty way to end the show. Look! He's defacing the title already!

Styles: Is this what Jerri meant when she vowed revenge on SMP at March Mayhem? Or has this plan been in the works for months?

SW: BOB? Plan ahead? Do you know how absurd that sounds?

©2009 BOB Wrestling! Cross the lame!

Styles: Fans, we'll be back with iMPLOSION…sometime soon! The entire BOB landscape has changed tonight! For Scotty Whatbody, this is Mikey Styles saying, good night from Gluttons for Punishment 2!

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
TREY VINCENT

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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