HARDXCORE POLARVIZION: THE DEBUT!
Funded in part by the Tennessee Orphan Authority
[Pan interior of the West End Parking Complex in beautiful, downtown Pittsburgh....California. It's "Bring Your Own Lawnchair" night in the "arena", but most people are just sitting on their cars. Well, presumably their cars. The pyro guys come out with, uh, nothing. They dig through their pockets, and OH! One of them has a lighter!]
Billy Polar: Good grief. Is that all we have left in the budget? I better do something. Hey, Pedro! Light yourself on fire!
Pedro: Ey? No comprende.
Billy: Dammit, I said light yourself on fire! Do it or YOUR ASS IS FIRED!
[Pedro just shrugs his shoulders, sighs, and then touches the lighter to his pants and starts running around and screaming.]
Billy: The power! The POWER!! HahaHAAAAAA!! Anyway, hello fans! Uhhhh. Fans? Hello?
[The crowd finally pops.]
Billy: Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Now, I know you all have big plans for tonight. But before you get drunk and decide to tape a Roman candle to your neighbor's dog, why not watch some BOB? Uh, let's see. Anyway, yeah. This is the inaugural HARDXCORE POLARVIZION, so prepare to be POLARIZED!! Hey, where's my announce partner? Huh. Well, I guess we'll find out who they got to do the job tonight. I mean, who wants to call this show with one, I, Billy Polar, the GREATEST white luchador OF ALL TIME. I have no doubt history will vindicate me on that one.
[Suddenly "Come On Ride The Train" blasts from the official BOB Sha-Boombox. Nurse Heidi steps out of her pink VW Bug.]
Billy: Uh oh.
Nurse Heidi: (socking Billy in the shoulder) Come on ride the train? I can't believe you, you jerk! #sigh# Let's just get this night over with....
Billy: What's your hurry? I thought girls didn't like it when we rush these things.
Heidi: Oh please. Don't start. And what was all that crap about my being pregnant?
Billy: Yeah, about that, what are you doing here? Why aren't you home with your kid? What kind of mother ARE you?!
Heidi: I'M NOT PREGNANT, ASSHOLE!!
Billy: Abortion then? The poor kid never had a chance. He could've cured cancer....wait. You're serious? You never were pregnant then, huh? Ooh. I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed. Well, in my defense, you LOOKED pregnant.
Heidi: That's it! I can't do this! I'm NOT working with this dickhead!!
[Suddenly, everyone is forced to cover their ears as an ear-splitting microphone/interference squeal blasts through the sound system. This is all followed by a baby crying, a car horn repeatedly honking, my ex-girlfriend laughing, and an outtake from a Chyna interview and is finally drowned out by audio of an airplane flying directly overhead. It's the Rite To Suck theme music. They all walk out to the ring together. XXXtreme Machine stops and spreads his arms and legs out to form the letter "X". The crowd breaks out with a noticeable "You suck!" chant.]
Heidi: Aaagh! My ears are bleeding.
XXX: (responding to the crowd) yoru gfodammed rihte we suckl!
[He hands the mic to Streetmime II who then proceeds to mouth words with no noise coming out.]
Billy: What is that? Like, reverse ventriloquism?
Heidi: No, he's a mime, stupid! Haven't you ever seen a mime before?
Billy: What, you have? Not too many mimes in North America. And yet Canadians have seemed to flourish. Go figure. You know, those mimes, they don't seem to last too long in our neighborhoods, that's for sure. You know, they should really all join together and form their OWN gang. That way they'd be able to-
Heidi: My God! Is this what you think about in your spare time? And you got into Harvard?
Billy: Both easy questions to answer. You see--
[Billy is cut off as Streetmime v2.0 hands the mic to the Man Who Looks Like Nixon.]
MWLLN: (holding his arms up in the double "V" sign) That's right! I am not a crook! And I am not lying to you when I tell you we have a very special challenge for all you BOB wrestlers out there!! Tell 'em, Bubba!
[He hands the mic to Bubba Gump.]
Bubba: Thank you, my good friend. For, as the collective "you" have ascertained that we do indeed "suck" as they say, henceforth we defy anyone to "blow" more than we do. Figuratively speaking, of course. To the man and/or woman who can find the courage to taste defeat at the hands of we, the aforementioned Rite To Suck, appropriated legal parties shall be thusly empowered to indeed reward you for your efforts with an overtly significant monetary gratuity--#ahem# Whoopsie. I'm sorry. Uhhh, can I start again? What? We're live? Uhhh, #gulp#
Billy: This guy is SOOO fired.
Heidi: You're not kidding!
[Bubba then hands the mic to the Fire Chief.]
Fire Chief: How. We give you big heap wampum if you lie down like dead chipmunk. We no care what Big Chief Sits-On-Thumbs or Little Chief Horse's Bottom has to say. You neither, White Stick and Horny Rabbit!
Billy: I can't make sense of him! Who's he talking about? Sir Hungalot?
Heidi: No, that would be Big Chief Spitting Snake. White Stick? He must be talking about you.
Billy: Whatever. So it's "Who'll Win RTS's Money", huh? Hmm. And all I'd have to do is lose, hmm? That's no problem.
[Bubba then grabs the mic again.]
Bubba: (in character this time) Hel-lo. -- -- Momma always said that life is like a box of steroids. You never know how big you are going to get. -- -- There are many ways to lose a match.
Heidi: And they have done them all.
Bubba: There's pinfalls, submissions, armbars, count-outs, disqualifications, time limit draws, abdominal stretches, knockouts, forfeits, armbars, screwjobs--
Billy: I can't take it anymore!!
[Billy charges the ring and nails Bubba Gump with a brainbuster. Then he lies down and motions for the rest of RTS to go ahead and pin him.]
Heidi: Nixon going for the cover, but X-Machine pushed him out of the way. Streetmime Dos Mil broke up the count, but he just got waffled by, uh, I guess an invisible chair by the Fire Chief. Fire Chief and XXXtreme now grappling for the honor of their first win! Fire Chief choking him out. Triple X is screaming like an eleven-year-old girl, but wait, I guess Polar's ego finally kicked in. He's up top now. Corkscrew crossbody! Well, I guess that's that then.
Billy: (returning to the announce table) Wow. It's harder than it looks. I seriously don't think anyone's gonna be able to win that money.
Heidi: I'm sure we'll find out in the next few weeks. So, what matches are we going to have this week? I mean, tonight?
Billy: Well, since this is MY show, I get to book the matches, no matter WHAT that Virulent Pussywillow guy says.
Heidi: How DID you get this show anyway?
Billy: Well, I added it to my contract on the day before Pay Per View as a "just-in-case" clause. Hey, I've been to Harvard, dammit! 'Nuff said! I've got a degree! I'm not just some perennially happy bimbo who gets wrestling contracts by squeezing her breasts together, you know.
Heidi: Who do you think you're talking to? I've got a masters' degree from Berkeley, just so you know!
Billy: Oh really. What in?
Billy: Oh, I see, so because of that degree, you were able to score your job with the STWF, BOB, and various other promotions.
Heidi: Yeah. And I also work at Raley's.
MA: This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, hailing from Kent State, JIM "TOTALLY IMPACTED"!!! Oh, sorry, I mean "Totally Packaged".
[Jim comes out to "Backstreet's Back" by the Backstreet Boys. A group of 8-year-old girls start screaming loudly and attach themselves to Jim's legs and torso and proceed to scream even louder. Jim has a tough time making it to the ring.]
Heidi: You know, Billy. You should hire a security guard or something. I mean, really.
Billy: Hey, this whole show's come out of my pocket, okay? I'm over-extended as it is.
Heidi: Oh, so THAT's where all your money went. And here we all thought it was just your sex addiction. I mean, you did have BigBOSS deposit half your paycheck each month into a separate "prostitute fund".
Billy: How did you know that? Uh, she's-she's lying, people. I have plenty of money.
Heidi: Oh, really? Let's see, then. What did you have for dinner last night?
Billy: Oh, well, uh, I had some fried tap water. Don't look at me like that! I'm on a crash diet, that's all! I've got money!
NH: Sure. Okay.
MA: Now making his way to the ring, weighing in at 424 pounds and being accompanied by Massawa and the Flaskmaster, here is ED TENTAAAAA-SHAW!!
[A pudgy man with a blue luchador mask and white trunks files to the ring as the Dungeon of Dumb theme music plays. It's the newly reworked "We Are Dumb" to the tune of "Dreamline" by Rush. Massawa and the Flaskmaster are right behind him. Massawa stares at the crowd wide-eyed and slaps at the flies around his eyes. Suddenly he grabs the arm of a kid who was trying to touch him and starts to bite down on it, but the Flaskmaster swats him.]
Billy: Well, the bell just rang, uhhhh, ding! And the first ever Hardxcore Polarvizion match is underway!! Uh, why isn't Ed getting in the ring?
Heidi: Hey, he's coming over here. Where's my pepper spray?
ETS: Yeah, uh, listen, uh. The thing is, creative hasn't given me a gimmick yet. They can't think of anything I haven't done.
Billy: Oh, well, is that all? Thinking on my feet, thinking on my feet. Ah, I've got a good one! Tonight you'll be REFMAN! The guy who officiates his own matches!
Heidi: What?! That's not fair!
Billy: Ed in the ring now. He's standing by the ref and smiling.
Heidi: Meanwhile, Jim is still outside, trying to pull his fan club off of him. Their parents are helping, but I really don't think Jim has been kissed this much in his whole life.
Billy: Yuck! When I was eight years old, I didn't even know how to brush my teeth! Sickening.
Heidi: Yeah, that says a lot. Ed starting to count the count-out. Whoa! The ref doesn't like that at all. These two getting into a shoving match, and Ed just bounced the ref off of his belly! The ref's calling for the DQ! This one's over already!
Billy: But Ed repeals the decision and decrees that the match go on!
Heidi: Wow, the ref really doesn't like that one, but Ed just tossed him out of the ring! And now Jim finally rolls into the ring and there's a collar-and-elbow tie up. Ed with the strength advantage here and he backs Jim to the turnbuckle! What the-? He's choking away with one hand and counting to five with the other? And he lets go at five.
ETS: Whoa. Almost had to disqualify myself there.
Billy: Wow, now that's what I call a conflict of interest. I wonder if the ref will be more lenient in this match, seeing as how he's in it!
Heidi: I have a feeling it's gonna be a long night. I'm already getting a headache. Tenta-Shaw now with a low kidney punch and he's got Jim in a bearhug. Now, a belly-to-belly suplex! He makes the count! 1-2-kick out!
Billy: What a dumbass! All you had to do was count to three, you moron!
Heidi: Jim now getting to his feet and he runs to the rope and a dropkick with momentum! Ed goes down! Jim now elbowing Ed in the back of the head. He helps him to his feet and drop toe-hold right back down!
Billy: Jim's gotta use his speed advantage if he expects to win this one. There's no way he's gonna get the big man up in a bodyslam. Oh look, he must've heard me.
Heidi: Jim up top now. He's going to drop the hammer! But NO, Tenta-Shaw caught him by the throat, but Jim with a LOW BLOW!! Yeah! Bash his balls in!
Billy: Wow, do you sound bitter or what? Jim now with a sleeperhold. He's really got it cinched in. Heh. Now look. Ed's checking to see if it's a choke, and decides that it isn't.
Heidi: You've got to hand it to him. Ed's being a pretty good sport for a heel. Jim still has the sleeperhold locked in and Ed's fading now. And he's down to the mat. Ewwww! Drool is coming out of his mouth.
Billy: Ed now checking on himself. He lifts his own arm! It falls once! He lifts it again! It falls twice! He lifts it again! Alright!! The Flaskmaster just rolled into the ring and cheapshotted Jim! He's got that Golden Spoke and he's using Jim's cranium as a snare drum! And now Massawa's in and he's biting Jim's nose!
Heidi: Wow, maybe we'll see Ed disqualify himself! What the-? He's pretending not to see it! He's looking the other way in confusion? That dirty-
Billy: Hey, you don't know that! Just because he's too big to fit in a bathtub doesn't mean he doesn't take baths. You know what? I don't think this ref thing is working. HEY ED! GIMMICK CHANGE! UHHH, YOU ARE NOW KNOWN AS HERMAN THE CANNIBAL! DID YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'RE A CANNIBAL NOW!
Heidi: What the hell? You can DO that?
Billy: It IS my show, after all. I'm producing it, so I have the creative directive.
Heidi: Ed now chomping away on one of Jim's boots. Massawa gnawing away on the other one. This is just disgusting! Why aren't the rest of the Kent State Krew out here helping him?
[The camera cuts to the backstage area in which Josh is leaning against the wall and chatting up the daughter of one of the BOB staff. A very young daughter of one of the BOB staff.]
Josh: You like touching my muscles, don't you?
Girl: Heeeeeee! Yes. You are so cool!
Josh: Say, have you ever kissed a guy before?
Girl: Just my father.
Clive: Hey, what are you doing, Kelly? You're not supposed to be part of this shot! Your dad's gonna be pissed. Get out of here!
Girl: Fine! Call me. But not after seven. I'm grounded right now so I can't use the phone while my Dad's home and he doesn't get home till seven.
Josh: Great. Maybe we can go to the mall some time. Later, baby. (looking at the camera) What?
[The camera flashes back to the ring, where Billy is busy guiding Ed Tenta-Shaw's career....]
Billy: This is great! HEY ED, NEW GIMMICK! YOU ARE NOW CLANCY, THE GAY IRISH TAP-DANCER! Heh heh.
Heidi: This is like watching a Coma match. What is Ed doing now? Riverdancing? A fat man riverdancing. Disgusting!
Billy: (staring transfixed) Oh, but look at his boobies bounce. BOO-bies. Entrancing. #ahem# What I mean is, uh, HEY ED! THE OFFICE WANTS YOU TO BE CAPTAIN TWILIGHT! YOU'RE CAPTAIN TWILIGHT NOW!
Heidi: Oh, ha ha. Not funny. You're going far beyond the boundaries of poor taste now. Fans, well, Ed just grabbed his chest, fell to the mat, and stuck his tongue out.
Billy: Heh heh. What a tribute. Captain Twilight will forever be missed. HEY ED! WHOOPS! THEY'VE CHANGED THEIR MINDS AGAIN!
Heidi:Two can play at this game. YEAH ED! YOU ARE NOW FLASH 'THE FLASHER' FLANAGAN!
[Ed faces Nurse Heidi and promptly flashes the audience.]
Billy: Oh GOD!! Geez, Heidi! Make him pull his pants up! What's wrong with you!
Heidi: Well, I just had to check. He's a big man, after all, and this proves it.
Billy: Slut. HEY ED! YOU'RE A SEX-CRAZED NURSE'S AIDE NAMED HEIDI! Ha ha!! Take that!
[Ed immediately starts humping the nearest ringpost.]
Heidi: Ooh! Oh yeah? HEY ED! YOU'RE BILLY POLAR'S MOMMA, D'YA HEAR? YOU'RE BILLY'S MOMMY!
[Ed then proceeds to get down on all fours and smack his own ass.]
Billy: What? That's not my mom, that's Kurt Angle! HEY ED, BE VP'S MOM! THAT'S RIGHT! THE VIOLENT PACIFIST'S MOM!
[Ed then starts freaking out and attacking everyone in the ring, including his own stablemates, and then makes his way outside and pummels Billy Polar as Nurse Heidi runs for cover. The Flaskmaster finally manages to restrain him and lead him from the ring, but the damage is done as Billy Polar is lying on the ground and looking somewhat the worse for wear.]
Billy: Yeah, that was VP's mom, alright. Oww.
Heidi: Oh, you got what you deserved. So I guess this one's a no-contest then, huh?
Billy: The official results will read that this match ended as yet another victory for Billy Polar.
Heidi: What? But you weren't even in the match!
Billy: Hey, I'm in charge here, not VP. So I can do whatever I want.
[Billy starts picking his nose.]
Billy: See, I'm doing what I want. And I don't care. Because I am GOD!! Whoops, I mean, uh, well no I'm not actually God, but I'm damn close.
Heidi: I'm glad you cleared that up for our fans. So what's next on the agenda?
Billy: Well, let's see. Ahhh, you know, in punishment for his illegal and immoral antics at Pay Per View, we're gonna have Josh Boy of Totally Fag learn the REAL definition of statutory rape as he faces none other than, a 14-year-old girl. Take it away Masked Announcer!
Heidi: He's gonna fight a 14-year-old girl? Tell me you're kidding!
MA: This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, hailing from Kent State University, here is JOSH "PENSIVE MAN"! Sorry. "MASSIVE MAN"!!
["Bye Bye Bye" by N'Sync plays for about two seconds as Josh sprints to the ring with a group of about 20 pre-teen females hot on his trail.]
Billy: You know what, I don't care HOW popular this guy gets. We're NOT giving him an OWTTM title shot.
Heidi: By "we" do you mean "you"? These guys are really close to VP. I wouldn't be surprised if they all get a title shot before the year's out.
Billy: Ugh. But by then I'll be the champion, so it won't even matter. Because I'm Billy Polar. Dammit.
MA: Introducing next, she is the self-proclaimed "Princess of Pain", weighing in at 490 pounds, here is LISA MARIE!!
Heidi: 490 lbs.?? The poor dear. It's probably some hormonal thing. What the-? It's Bohemoth!
[Bohemoth grumbles to the ring with a VERY angry look on his face. He's wearing a dress. Surprisingly, there is zero reaction from the audience. They look more scared than anything.]
Heidi: WHY is Bohemoth wearing a dress??
Billy: Hey, that's her street clothes. So she's fat. Big deal. There's no need to insult her to her face, Heidi.
Heidi: Oh, come on, Billy! This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! How'd you get him to do this?
Billy: Alright! Alright. He SAID that he would do anything to get his hands on the Not-Quite-Millionaires. I told him "OK", but he'd have to wrestle on my show, so there you go. Bohemoth NOW has the right to challenge any one of us to a match on the next pay-per-view. And all it cost him was his dignity.
Heidi: And why is he in there with a Totally Face member? He should be fighting one of you guys. THAT'S what the fans want to see!
Billy: What fans? I don't know what you're talking about. You're babbling! Now, will you just call the match, or do I have to replace you with Coma or Streetmime II?
Heidi: Hey, that's fine. You go ahead and do that. I've got NOOOOOOO problems with that. Anyway, Josh IS the strongest member of the Kent State Krew, but I don't think that even matters in this match. Yep. Bohemoth just piefaced him and pushed him down to the mat.
Billy: Heh heh. Take that you little opportunistic backstabber, you!
Heidi: Now that you mention it, I HAVE noticed somewhat of a pattern in this show. What's the next match?
Billy: Uhhhh, Zilla versus Brandon.
Heidi: Figures. You're punishing them, aren't you?
Billy: Uhhhhhhhhh, no?
Heidi: Sheesh! Wait, Josh just hit Bohemoth with a dropkick to the knee.
Billy: You know, that Josh guy really needs to work on his vertical leap. Ugh. I just have no patience for rookies.
Heidi: OH! And Josh takes him down with a bulldog! Josh to the ropes again, and a baseball slide to the face!
Billy: My God! That dropkick was even lower than the last one! I have never SEEN such a poor workrate!
Heidi: That wasn't a dropkick, genius.
Billy: Well, it was in the dropkick family. I KNOW MY WRESTLING MOVES! I'VE BEEN TO HARVARD, DAMMIT!!
Heidi: Whatever you say, Tenay. Bohemoth struggling to his feet now. Superkick by Josh! But Bohemoth only staggers and doesn't go down. Josh now setting up for a piledriver, but Bohemoth is reversing it! He's gonna backdrop him, but NO! WHAT A SPINEBUSTER BY BOHEMOTH!!!
Billy: Yeah! Go Lisa! It's your birthday! You go, girl. Yeah. Spike that poser piece of shit!
Heidi: Bohemoth now with Josh's legs. He's turning him over into an Indian Deathlock, but Josh grabs the ropes. Smart move by Josh. He's actually wrestling a pretty good match against the Phenom with a pituitary problem. OH! Josh with a quick jawbreaker! Josh to the ropes again, but he just tripped over a crazed female fan and Bohemoth just caught him with a huge legdrop to the top of the head!
Billy: Heh heh. That's the drawback of being "Totally Face". I hope that little girl gets his autograph after the match, but I don't think it's gonna happen because Josh won't even remember his name after this Smasher by Bohemoth! OHHHHH!! This one's over! Or is it?
Heidi: It's Homicidal Hank! You knew this was coming, didn't you, Billy?
Billy: I know everything. I'm Billy Polar.
Heidi: Anyway, Homicidal Hank wailing away on Bohemoth with a chair!
Billy: And look! Spike's keeping Josh at bay!
[The camera pans to Josh who is lying unconscious on his stomach with a potted geranium on his back.]
Heidi: That plant scares me.
Billy: As well it should. Hank now going for the Homicidal Hammer! What? Oh no.
Heidi: YES! Bohemoth caught him by the neck and chokeslammed over the top to the outside! Bohemoth now stepping over the ropes. Whoa!
[The camera shows Hank spraying Bohemoth with a fire extinguisher. The ring is filled with white fire extinguisher smoke.]
Billy: Haha! That's my boy. Take that Dum-Bo!
[Suddenly Pedro the pyro guy, who is completely on fire, runs to ringside and grabs the fire extinguisher from Hank. Unfortunately, it's empty. Billy tries to help by pouring his thermos of hot coffee on him, but Pedro nonetheless runs off screaming. Heidi just sits there, dumbfounded.]
Billy: Yeah, well, happy Fourth of July everyone! And please. Have a safe one.
Heidi: What just happened?
Billy: I don't know. He was a smoker anyway. You know. Bad karma. Well, anyway, I guess that's TWO matches down, and two decisive victories for I, Billy Polar. Man, at this pace, I'll get a title match in no time!
Heidi: WHAT-EVER! (giving him the L sign with her thumb and forefinger) Loser! You know, we really should get someone to clean up this ring before we continue.
Billy: (pulling a washcloth out of his pocket) Here. Didn't bother reading your contract, did you? Time for a commercial.
[It's a sunny day and the camera is showing a beautiful mountaintop with green trees, grass and bushes everywhere. A man in a heavy winter jacket and goggles is poised at the top. He has skis on. Yet, there's no snow anywhere. Suddenly he uses his poles to push off down the mountain. A lot of smacking, rustling, and painful screaming can be heard.]
Voice: ( heavy Russian accent) Are you tired of hot, wuuuuuuss-y pathetic Calivorniya summer?
[The camera patches to the poor skier. His leg is mangled as his ski is caught in a bush and blood is starting to show through his snowpants. He is missing a few teeth.]
Ski Guy: Gosh. I know _I_ am, Nikolai!
Voice: No worries. Is hope. Come to Crazy Yuri's Sno-Park and SKI IRKUTSK!! Yes, Siberia is much BAY-ter dan stooo-pid Yoonited States. We have everythink Americanski kepitalist pig-dogs want, at much lace munnnnn-y. Bootiful Hullywood babies ant McDunnnn-ald's.
[The camera then shows an old Russian peasant woman with a wart on her nose. She smiles, displaying her yellowing teeth, and holds up a dirty bottle of alcohol of some kind.]
Ugly woman: Vodka?
Voice: Ya, come to Mu-there Russkia, all you American big-dicked cowboys. Here, we have the unnnnn-krowded slopes, ALLLL YEAR ROWWWWND.
[The camera cuts to a cross-country skier who's whistling a Britney Spears tune. Suddenly, he's violently trampled by a herd of reindeer.]
Voice: Yes, is Crazy Yuri's, just vest of Kamchetka. Can not miss, unless you are stoooopid la-zzzee Americanski Bolschoi ass-hell, uh? Ja, I'm talkink to you, you mizarabble Americanski sun of munk-key spunk, uh? I brekk you into halves, Americanski kepitalist skumseck! Acht-PTOO!! I spit at you! Bu-hut please! Comb to Crazy Yuri's ant enjoy wide arrange of vinter ectivities. Ja, you vill have fon. U-S-A thumps up, no? Gol-den Arches! Big Mac Nuggets, yes?
Billy: And we're back. Good job, Heidi.
Heidi: I am THIS close to snapping and killing you.
Billy: Why? Do you have post partum depression?
Heidi: For the last time, I NEVER WAS PREGNANT!!
Billy: Yeah, sure. Anyway. This next match features a young man whom we, the Not-Quite-Millionaires, have been scouting recently. As you all have heard by now, our good friend, and perhaps, the greatest BOB champion of all time, douja, will shortly be calling it quits. I'm afraid his severe bout with glaucoma has caught up to him. He's virtually blind in the ring. And all the marijuana he has to smoke for it, as prescribed by his doctor of course, is really making it difficult for him to wrestle. It's so sad. Yes, douja. What can you say about douja? No, really. I'm asking you.
Heidi: Uh, well, despite being an absolute joke, he, uh, did end up winning pretty much every title. I'll give the little worm that.
Billy: Well, thanks for the kind words, Heidi. Anyway, we're scouting Zilla as to whether or not he can fill douja's shoes as a member of the BOB World championship tag team, Smooth and Choc-- Smooth And--god, _I_ can't even say it. Well, anyway, if he proves himself here tonight, then we'll heavily consider him in our, uh, considering.
Heidi: Hey, is there any truth to the rumor that Zilla is pushing to have his skateboard Wes cleared for in-ring action?
Billy: Yeah. The first-ever wrestling skateboard. Sad, isn't it?
Heidi: You're not kidding! It looks like someone took a piss in our talent pool, that's for sure!
Billy: Oh yeah? Talent pool? Talent wading pool, you mean. It looks like Bohemoth jumped in there and displaced all the water, causing it to flow over onto the grass, uhh, or something.
Heidi: Mine was funnier.
Billy: Shut up! I just lost my train of thought, that's all. Wait a sec. I've just gotten word that something's just transpired in the locker room!
Heidi: What locker room?
Billy: That big white van over there.
[The camera cuts to a picture of Zilla chilling with his skateboard, Wes. Suddenly, his cellphone rings.]
Zilla: Yo, this is my phone, dude! Who the fuck's callin'? Oh. Hey, Wes, it's for you.
Wes: Who is it?
Zilla: Dese nutz! Ha! You walked into that one, you skinny bitch!
Wes: Why the hell would your nuts want to talk to me? What are you, gay?
Zilla: Hey, fuck you man. I ain't a fucking flamer!
[Suddenly, they're both cut off as a mysterious man in a black superhero outfit with long, black hair jumps Zilla from behind. He knocks him to the ground and starts stomping away on him. Then he picks up Wes the skateboard and smashes him over the head with it and then makes his exit. And all of this before the camera can catch a glimpse of his face. Great job, Clyde.]
Billy: Huh. I guess we'll just have to scout him for a while longer.
Heidi: Who was that masked man?
Billy: For a second there, I thought it was Hulk Hogan, but he was moving WAY too fast.
Heidi: Plus, he has hair!
Billy: What are you saying? Hulk Hogan's bald? Well anyway, fans, it's time for us to introduce the first-ever special guest of the first-ever HARDXCORE POLARVIZION!!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce tonight's special guest, so please don't leave. I have just been informed that all those who remain till the end of the night will receive one free hubcap!
[Big pop from the audience.]
MA: Introducing, weighing in at "a real man doesn't reveal his weight", here is DA SASSY ONE!!
[Sassy raises the ceiling as he walks to the timekeepers area and sits down by the announce booth. His phosphorescent pink and neon purple tights are literally glowing in the dark.]
DSB: Hello, Nurse Heidi. Hug?
Heidi: Uhhh... Sure.
DSB: Thanks. Well? I'm here.
[Suddenly a booming voice interrupts the proceedings.]
GOD: Sassy, though deservest not this interview. Were it not for thee, I wouldst now be viewing SNL's Best of Chris Farley.
DSB: What the? God likes Saturday Night Live? Sorry, God, but I'm Totally Face now and I have responsibilities.
GOD: Forasmuch as I have aided thee, have I not fulfilled that which I spake with my mouth? Canst these "responsibilities" be to thee more important than he who sanctified thee?
DSB: Well, no, but I do owe it to my fans to show up.
GOD: Behold, is it not of He who speaketh that the people shall weary themselves for their vanity? Huh, Bitch? Art thou even listening?
DSB: Hey! Language, God! Language. I told you, my name's not "Bitch" anymore.
Billy: Uh, hey Fruitcake. Who're you talking to?
DSB: What do you mean, who am I talking to? Isn't it obvious?
Billy: Nooooooo. It's only obvious that you're insane.
GOD: Guy's got a point. #ahem# I mean, heehee, hear ye not that heathen! The heart of the wicked is of little worth.
DSB: You mean, you didn't just hear that?
Billy: Hear what?
DSB: You seriously didn't hear that?
Billy: Again, hear what? You've just been talking to yourself the last couple of seconds. Can we do this interview now so we can get to the main event before dawn?
GOD: He who hears me not is a fool! Get thee gone, heathen!
DSB: Cool it, will ya God? I'm trying to do an interview here.
Billy: Okay, I've pre-prepared a few questions to make this go faster. State your name.
DSB: Da Sassy One. You can call me Sassy. Hey, it's what my friends call me!
Billy: Oh, hi. (shakes Sassy's hand) I'm Billy Polar, by the way. My friends call me Billy Polar. So don't call me Billy Polar.
DSB: Alright, alright. Gotcha. Next question.
Billy: Uh, yeah, uh, sooooooo....how's it goin'?
DSB: Well, actually, it started out pretty rough. I was the new guy and right off the bat, I was given a Pan-Galactic title shot. Talk about pressure!
Billy: (nodding and looking intensely interested) You don't say. Pressure. Yeah.
DSB: But then I was hit by douja.
Billy: Wow. That sure is interesting.
DSB: I'll say!
Billy: So, let's see, uhhhhhh (flipping through his index cards) Soooooo, who's next on your "hit list"?
DSB: Well, actually, that's pretty easy. There is only one other person besides douja who's been riding my ass. And that guy is Billy "I flunked out of college" Polar.
GOD: How dare you! He went to Harvard, dammit!!
GOD: #ahem##ahem# I mean, uh, speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, speaketh evil of the Lord. Thou shouldst eschew evil.
Billy: So, are you planning on taking on this "Billy Polar" anytime soon?
Billy: Chyah. Good luck with that.
GOD: Listen to my words, Sassy. Thou shalt not challenge Billy of the Polar-ites. For this I have commanded.
DSB: What? I don't care what you say, God. I'm still taking on Billy Polar. That bootyhole has gotten in my face for the last time!
GOD: Listen to me, Waste-O-Space! Thou sucketh. Thou truly, truly do. If thou dost not shut thy piehole, I shall ordain thee for an ass-whupping!
Billy: Man, even God says you suck. There's no hope for you, man.
DSB: You DID hear him! You liar! You're in league with God, aren't you!
GOD: Listen here, Lack-O-Brain, the Lord your God said "come and follow", not "go thee henceforth and act like a jackass on public access television."
DSB: That's it! I'm not gonna take your verbal abuse anymore! I'm converting to Scientology!!
GOD: Oh yeah!? Uh, I mean, uh, get thee hence, Satan! Tempt me no longer, or I shalt smite thee from on high!
DSB: Wait a sec. That voice is coming from that truck over there!
[Sassy runs over to the sound truck and opens the door to find none other than David Spade.]
GOD: Uh, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
DSB: David Spade?! (getting angry) You've been using me!
GOD: Yes. You got me. Mommy, help! The rhino's getting too close!
DSB: Well, guess what? (making a fist) I just got a new number one hit, and his name is David Spade!
GOD: Oh, you don't want nun-o-dis, big man!
DSB: I'll see you in the ring and you better pray to whatever God you pray to that I can take pity on your forsaken soul because I'm gonna enjoy beating you, or at least as much as I can, considering I'm a face now.
[David Spade then shoves Sassy to the side and runs off screaming "I'll see you in the ring, Sassy!"]
DSB: Wow, he's pretty fast for a white guy. First David Spade. Then Billy Polar. Well, it's like they always said in the movie "Foul Play": Beware the Dwarf. The time to hesitate is through. I'm not gay!
[The camera cuts back to the ring, where Billy Polar is standing with a microphone.]
Billy: Yes, you guessed it. It's Main Event Time!! And, of course, as the only Main Eventer in BOB Wrestling right now, I, Billy Polar, am involved. Yes, fans. You lucky few audience members who are left are about to see me....WIN THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!! It's me versus McKillalot! TONIGHT!!!
[Suddenly "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails plays as our brand-new commissioner, the Violent Pacifist, makes his way to ringside. "Mr. Bat" is slung over his shoulder.]
VP: Billy Polar. Well, well. I've just got one thing to say to you, Billy. Ehh-ehh! This is just the stupid Sunday night show, and you know what that means! Midcarders and below ONLY!! So you go ahead and have your little match. But it WON'T be against McKillalot!
Billy: What?! You can't do that! This is MY show! And I'm Billy Polar, dammit! Besides, skill-wise, isn't EVERYONE in BOB a midcarder?
VP: I'll tell you what, Billy. I can see you don't know what you're doing, so , yeah, I'll just go ahead and book this match for ya. Hmm. Since Da Sassy One is already here, and he wants to fight David Spade. AND Billy Polar. Then, hmm, he might as well fight both. Yeah. A triple threat match. Yeah.
Billy: You can't do this! I went to Harvard, dammit! Wait, no, I mean, I'm Billy Polar, dammit!
VP: (leaning on Mr. Bat) Hey! Do I or do I not out-rank you? Huh? Do it or else.
Heidi: Wow, fans! This is unbelievable! I guess it's "God" vs. Da Sassy Bitch! TONIGHT!! Oh, and Billy Polar. Hooray.
MA: Introducing first, "HIS SASSINESS" DA SASSY BITCH!
[Sassy saunters up the aisle, but Billy Polar is waiting for him in the ring, so he stops outside the ring and points at him and mouths a bunch of insults.]
MA: Now making his way to the ring, DAVID "Will Somebody Please, Please Shoot Me" SPAAAAAAAADE!!
[Spade comes out to "Groove Is In The Heart". He's wearing spandex bicycle shorts and a bicycle helmet.]
Heidi: Oh, yuck! Spade is even whiter than Polar! He's cute, but he'd be even sexier if he put on a hundred pounds or so. Well, Sassy's chasing him around the ring now, but Billy just nailed him with a springboard clothesline! Spec-tacularo! Tosses him back in the ring now. He's holding Sassy's arms back so David can pop him one. OH! David missed! Huh. Billy seems unfazed. That Spade guy really needs to hit the gym a little more often, I guess.
[Billy then motions for David to try and hit Sassy again, but Sassy counters with a kick to Spade's nuts, followed by a backward kick to Billy's.]
Heidi: Whoa! It's the ole' see-saw bit. You don't see that working too often. Sassy now stomping away on Spade, but now he's looking over at Billy. Huh. It looks like he can't make up his mind as to who to attack. Billy up now and he doesn't look too happy. OH! Q-Factor by Sassy! He used that move with great success in the STWF. It led him to a run as Undefendable Champ at one point, if I remember. He's going for the cover now, but Billy Polar just barely kicks out!
[Suddenly, the lights in the building go out.]
Heidi: What's going on! This can only mean one thing! There's another run-in! I wonder who it is. B.F. Sack, maybe? The mysterious man in black? The return of The Rock?
[Finally, the lights flicker back on. All three men are standing in the ring and blinking their eyes in confusion.]
Heidi: Or, I guess it could just be this building's faulty wiring. Billy and Sassy now locking up again. David Spade just staring at them as if at a loss of what to do next. Billy with a standing dropkick! And now he pushes Sassy to the ropes and he's motioning for Spade to grab his hand. Double-team coming up! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!! David Spade barely managing to hold on. Now Billy's telling Spade to go for the cover. 1-2-HUGE KICKOUT! He completely threw Spade across the ring. But Billy Polar was waiting up top! Flying kneedrop to Sassy's, uh, legs? That's original. Sassy's screaming in pain and holding his shin now. David Spade looks pretty out of it, too. Polar in the meantime helps Sassy up. He picks him up for a powerbomb, but no! He falls backward and clotheslines Sassy on the top rope! It's the Polarbomb! Polar walks over to Spade now to see if he's okay. Meanwhile, Sassy's slowly struggling to his feet. Polar's lifting Spade in the air now! What's going on? OH! He just threw Spade into Sassy's arms and they both land in a heap. Now Polar's just standing there and laughing at them. Bet he didn't know I was gonna do this!
[The fans pop big-time as Nurse Heidi rolls into the ring with her own thermos of hot coffee. Billy Polar sees her coming out of the corner of his eye and he realizes that she's going to pour it on him and runs for it. Nurse Heidi is chasing him around in a circle inside the ring and after about the third time around, he runs right into Sassy who scoops him up in the Sassy Slam and gets the quick pinfall. The crowd goes crazy as Nurse Heidi celebrates in the ring. She pours coffee on her breasts to wet her T-shirt and then rubs her nipples, before the pain from the searing hot coffee kicks in. She then runs screaming from the ring with her arms cradling her boobs. As soon as she disappears into the backstage area, Pedro the pyro guy comes running back out, still very much on fire, and still screaming like a maniac. The crowd eats it up as the feed cuts out.]
© 2001 BOB Wrestling!