HARDXCORE POLARVISION 3!
(Re-Edited, Because We Care!)
Yes admirers, it's me, Scotty W., and to remind you all that I have a lot of pull around here, I have decided to fully sponsor this month's Polarvizion. You see? I'm now in the "in" group. I am one of the people who makes things happen. Many women appreciate me enough to touch me, and sometimes other things as well. So Sarah, if you're watching, even though statistically you're probably not, just remember, it's not wise to turn me down. I'M sponsoring THIS SHOW. Remember that. And Geek, you're a dead man.
[The camera opens on Billy Polar, Mike Monroe, and Nurse Heidi, who are sitting at the announcer's desk. No fans can be seen behind them except for an old-man in a dirty trenchcoat who is visibly snoring.]
MM: Well, fans. Welcome, once again, to yet another BOB televised event! Hallelujah! (he gets out of his seat and kisses the arena floor)
BP: Ha ha. We'll be on TV as long as I'm champ, believe you me. I've got some very rich friends, Mike.
[Ten seconds of uncomfortable silence follow as Billy Polar and Nurse Heidi try desperately not to look at each other.]
MM: What's up with you two?
BP: Huh, what do you mean? Oh, hey, Heidi, how are you doing?
NH: Fine. You?
BP: Yup. I mean, uh, yeah I'm doing good. You?
NH: Uh, you already asked me.....
BP: Look, this is stupid. Let's talk about last night, okay. And the night before that, and the night before that. I know it's weird because we work together, but we're both adults here. It's only natural. We both have needs. And I know it would've happened sooner or later because I'm an attractive guy--
NH: Yeah, and look, Billy. Don't even worry about it. I hear it happens to lots of guys....
NH: (laughing) I'm just kidding. Will you relax? We've got a show to do.
MM: Well, fans, we've got a great program lined up for you. As you can see, this arena is packed to capacity! (Billy and Heidi look at him quizzically)
[The camera then pans the interior of the Richmond Coliseum--Basement (B2) in beautiful, downtown Richmond, Virginia. Scores of BOB fans can be seen yelling and jumping up and down. The camera catches several interesting signs, among them "Dennis For Guv'nah", "Bring kcaB eht Arengev Dsylecix", "Please Release Me From My Contract BigBOSS" (that one being held by the ever-imposing Bobo Q. Fiendish), "SMP is my father!" (that one being held by a girl in her twenties), "Marry me Josh, Jim, and/or Brandon! I luv u!" (that one being held by, well, no one can tell as she isn't yet tall enough to be seen over the fans standing up in front of her), "Look At Me! I Am Funny!" (that one being held by none other than BOB superstar Xamfir) and finally a "This Is The House That The Tiger Built!" A small "We Wanna RE-FUND clap-clap-clapclapclap" chant is starting to spread throughout the arena.]
BP: Wow. I don't understand that last sign. The Tiger? Famous? Pah!
NH: No, I think it's referring to the fact that the Tiger was a construction worker before becoming a wrestler. He must've helped build this arena.
BP: Really. Figures. But wasn't this place built in the sixties?
MM: Well, fans, it's gonna be a long night! We have an "Are You Out Of Your Freakin' Mind" title match PLUS....TWO (he holds up two fingers) matches with special MYSTERY competitors! Oooo-weee-ooo.
BP: Or, as we say in the biz, "yet-to-be-determined" opponents. We also have a special "mystery" guest, if you can believe that.
NH: You know, maybe it's time we hired some new talent.
BP: Girls. It's all the same. Spend, spend, spend. You know, it's kind of hard to hire new people when your boss is being pursued across several countries by an IRS task force and isn't returning anybody's phone calls....
MM: Heh heh. He's just kidding, folks. Why don't we get started, shall we? I think it's time to get EXX- (Nurse Heidi elbows him in the ribs) #ouch# I mean--uh--hardcore. Yes. Let's show the fans what happened just this past.....month.....to our hardcore champion. It's how this match came about.
[The camera suddenly cuts to a slow-motion playback screen with the words "Preparation H: Cream of the Week" around the border. Suddenly, a smiling Steve of Dell computer fame jumps in front of the Geek holding a computer monitor.]
Steve: Dude, you're gettin' a Dell.
[He then slams the monitor down on the Geek's head, shattering the screen.]
MM: Wow! The Geek definitely got creamed there! That was one of the most brutal things I've ever seen!
NH: Yup. Not to mention hardcore, too.
BP: I agree. There must be, like, 15000 volts in those things! Too bad it wasn't plugged in. Now that would've been a stunt!
[Suddenly, "For Whom The Dell Tolls" by Metallica fills the arena as the Masked Announcer grabs the mic.]
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first match of the evening and will be contested under "hardcore rules". Making his way down to ringside, and weighing in at just under 140 pounds, here is Steve "the Salesman of the Year" DELLLLLLLL!
[Steve walks down the aisle smiling, shaking hands and giving people the thumbs up about once or twice a second. He is wearing a blue and yellow spandex wrestling suit with a blue superhero's cape. He is pushing a pushcart holding a complete Dell desktop system with Pentium 3 processor AND a free printer. Just $799. The fans are going nuts.]
BP: Man, listen to that response. You see? THAT'S why wrestling companies involve special guest actors who know absolutely nothing about wrestling. Because the fans LOVE IT!
NH: Ugh. At least he's fighting the Geek and not some experienced wrestler.....
MM: What are you talking about, Heidi?
[Suddenly, the strains of Metallica change to "Dare To Be Stupid" by Weird Al Yankovic. The fans immediately start to boo.]
BP: What's their beef? Weird Al's one of this country's all-time greatest Jewish musicians. And, believe me, I know greatness Mike!
MM: (shaking his head in frustration) You really should be fired, you know that?
BP: What'd I say? I love Weird Al! I love hearing pop music accompanied by accordion. I've carpooled with the Geek before and that kid's got taste! He likes to quietly listen to whatever radio channel I listen to without any complaints at all, can you believe that?
MA: And now, I am proud to introduce, hailing from Cleveland, Ohio, and weighing in at 132 pounds, he is definitely "Out Of His Freaking Mind", here is the GEEEEEEEEK!!!
[The Geek slowly ambles to the ring, lugging a huge garbage bag over his shoulder. He has a shiner and he does not look happy. The camera closes in on his AYOOYFM hardcore belt.]
BP: Wow. The Geek looks GEEKED for this match. This is PERSONAL!
MM: Yeah, that happens when somebody slams you over the head with a computer monitor. Now, how can you say the Geek isn't experienced, Heidi? That belt around his waist says he's the toughest, most hardcore wrestler on our roster! Look at how focussed and intense he looks!
NH: Gimme a break, Mike. He's a geek. You don't call someone who can kick your ass a geek, you know.
MM: Well, I can't argue with that logic. Hey, how come he's coming to the ring alone? There was all these rumors back stage about a major coup and an invasion of "real" wrestlers tonight!
BP: Oh, that. Well, I was all for it until I got a call this afternoon by some lawyer types. They said something about "exclusivity clauses" and apologized and then said they'd sue "my ass" if I mentioned their names on the air, so SHHHHHHHH......
MM: (yelling at the camera) Darn you, McMahon! What's your problem?! You're trying to put US out of business now, too? Are we too much of a threat to you?!
NH: Who knows, Mike? Maybe Scotty Whatbody belittled Stephanie's boobs or something. I hear the WWF has spies everywhere....
BP: I said, SHUT UP! Besides, the Geek is more than capable of handling things by himself. He is, after all, a BOB wrestler. He's a BOB champion, in fact. Like ME. Billy Polar.
[Suddenly, the bell rings and Steve knocks the Geek's glasses off and starts smacking him around. The Geek is lying on the ground, sobbing like a baby, with his arms blocking his face.]
NH: Umm. Yeah, you're right, Billy. He's really holding his own in there.
MM: Steve now with a keyboard! The Geek struggling to his feet. And he's back down again! Computer keys go flying!
NH: He shouldn't've struggled so hard.....
BP: Hmm, I wonder what's in that sack he brought. I wonder what a geek's idea of "hardcore" is anyway.
NH: Probably the exact same as yours.
MM: Uh-oh. And now Steve's unplugged the mouse, and he's twirling it around like some nun-chuks or something. OH! And the Geek shouldn't've tried to get up then, either....
NH: Yup. Looks like he got smacked in his Achilles...uh....balls. I guess that hurts or something?
BP: You're damn right it does! C'mon Geek! Do something! I hate that Dell idiot!
NH: (looking dreamy) He does have a nice smile, though. You've got to admit that.
BP: And that's another thing! Why doesn't he ever stop smiling? It's creepy. He must be psychotic or something.
NH: Making him just the kind of wrestler we're looking for. Maybe he's not such an outsider after all.
BP: Well, if he ever DOES work for us, I bet he'll stop smiling the minute he gets his first paycheck.....
MM: The Geek now inching towards that garbage bag of his. But Steve just grabbed him by the feet and dragged him across the ring! And now HE'S running for the garbage bag! Uh-oh! And look, he's got a-he's got a, um, a binder? What the-? And he just whacked the Geek over the head with it! Pokemon trading cards are flying everywhere! The fans are rushing the ringside area!
NH: Where's Billy?
BP: (returning to his chair) Dang it. I thought I saw a "Charizard".
MM: Steve reaching into the sack again and pulls out a--what is that?
BP: I think those are "Lord of the Rings" action figures, Mike.
NH: Now, just how would you know that?
BP: Hey, I've been to Harvard, dammit. I know everything. Is that Legolas the elf?
NH: Ugh. I can't believe I slept with you....
MM: Steve now chucking hobbits at the Geek. OH! One of them caught him in the eye and now he's staggering around like he was blind!
BP: He IS blind, you idiot! A man can't wrestle without his glasses! That Steve's a dirty cheater! I admire that.
MM: What's Steve digging out now? It's a--it's a--life-sized cardboard cutout of Patrick Stewart?
BP: That's Jean-Luc Piccard, you idiot! This is wrestling! Suspend your disbelief! It's too bad, though. The Geek's getting his ass whupped by his own implements of carnage. I love the symbolic irony!
NH: I can't believe I slept with you....
MM: Steve now, standing up Captain Piccard against the ring-ropes and uh-oh, the Geek is squinting. It looks like he's having a hard time telling Steve apart from the cardboard cut-out. Steve is just leaning against the corner and waving to the fans. The Geek charges! OH! He got the wrong guy! And Patrick Stewart is broken in half! Literally!
NH: Yup. This match is NOT for the weak of heart.
MM: Geek now tumbling to the outside. NOW what's he doing? He's-he's----blading with a Star Wars Episode One DVD? Whoops. Heh heh. You weren't supposed to see that.
BP: Way to cover for us, Mike. Why don't you just explain to the fans about kayfabe?
NH: Uh, Billy?
NH: Nevermind. We'll talk later.
MM: The Geek now a bloody mess! He can barely stand up! How much more can one person take!
BP: Before they change the channel. Really, I'm surprised that the Geek hasn't even gotten in one punch. He's not showing very much hussle in there. How does he expect to stay champion like that?
MM: The garbage bag's now almost empty. And Steve is still digging deep inside it. Now what's he got? It's a---well, it appears to be all four Harry Potter books duck-taped together. The Geek doesn't even have a chance! WHOA! And he's down! Steve is going for the cover! We could have a new champion! 1--2----3! I don't believe it!
[The crowd goes crazy. Uh, very quietly, apparently.]
BP: (slapping his forehead) Oh, man. I am SO embarrassed to be a member of BOB now. This is worse than when Sexbat won the title! That's just what we need. To have some untrained loser come in and drag our name through the mud.
NH: What are you talking about? Steve certainly earned it! Look, the Geek is so beaten up that he can't even move!
BP: No, he's not. Look!
MM: I can't believe it! He's rising to his feet! And what's that he's got?
NH: Oh my gosh, it's a three foot long plastic.....light saber. Geez!
MM: And he just brained Steve with a shot to the back of the head! He's making a cover? But the match is over.
BP: Oh, it's not over. This is PERSONAL! Besides, there's a 24-7 rule, isn't there?
MM: I guess so, because the referee's counting. 1--2--3! And the Geek has won his title back!
BP: Heh heh. Strategy, see? The Geek was in control the whole time. He was just toying with him.
NH: Yeah, sure. Maybe while he was conscious. Huh. Steve's out cold and he's still smiling. How cute is that. Hey, wait, now what's the Geek doing with that light saber?
MM: Oh, that's disgusting!
BP: Heh heh. There goes his smile. Sorry, Heidi. I doubt Steve will be quite as efficient at his salesmanship after all this. What with all the flashbacks and therapy and all.
MM: OH, that was completely uncalled for. That Geek's got issues! Oh no, I smell a lawsuit.
BP: What are you talking about? We followed the letter of the contract. We puffed their product and their guy won the match. We're legally covered, trust me. (pointing at himself) Harvard Law, baby! Harvard Law!
MM: Man! And the Geek continues to go to town on poor Steve, the millionaire TV personality. He's going to have some explaining to do to the Li'l Boss, that's for sure. Dell was the biggest sponsor we ever had!
BP: Well, you see, it's not really Geek's fault. It's all that repressed rage from people making fun of him all his life. It looks like it's finally burst out of him. And besides, I hear he's already being reprimanded by the Li'l Boss. I don't think he even cares, Mike.
MM: Reprimanded? Why?
NH: I heard it was because he has a body odor problem and a lot of people don't want to work with him.
BP: Yeah, I bet he was that smelly kid in high school. You know the one. The guy that every other guy was glad that they weren't?
NH: Hmm. You sound like you know a lot about this.
BP: (pointing to himself) Hey, Harvard Psych, baby! Harvard Psych! And I'm pretty sure he wants to have sex with his mom, too.
NH: I can't believe I slept with you....
MM: Will you two stop? This is serious. We need to get some help out here! Security!
BP: Sorry, Mike. This is my show. All I could afford was a loud-mouthed corgi as a guard dog. But no worries, the Undietaker's coming out next. He should clear the ring.
MM: Good point. Alright, Masked Announcer, do your thing!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is--#ack#
MM: OH! The Geek just attacked the Masked Announcer! FEAR HIS PATHETIC FURY! Wait, here comes the Undietaker! It's the Man From the Darkside....of Mervyn's! He's running to the ring! And the Geek noticed! He's panicking now. He's making a break for it through the crowd! And there's the Undietaker right after him! But, no, he got away. And the Undietaker's not going after him. Instead, he's coming this way. That's weird. What's he doing? Heidi? Billy? Where'd you guys go? Uh-oh. Hi there, guy. How's it hanging? What--what are you doing?! GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY PANTS! I don't swing that way, buddy! Get someone else! OW! That stings! OH! #gurk# I'm being CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAMMED! #KRUNCH# aaaaaahhhh.....#cough# through a table. It's the Wedgie-Aided Chokeslam From Hell. #gaaakk#
NH: (slapping Mike Monroe's cheek) Mike? Mike? Are you alright? (looking at Billy) What do we do now?
BP: I thought you were supposed to be a nurse..... Oh, gimmick. Right. Well, I guess we just continue.
[Billy pushes an unconscious Mike to one side with his foot and regains his seat.]
BP: You know, this just doesn't feel right. We need three people. Hmm....
[Billy looks out beside him in the audience. Xamfir is sitting nearby holding up a "Look At Me! I'm Right Here! Film Me!" sign. Styles is sitting to his right, snoring like HHH.]
BP: Heh. We are in LUCK, Heidi. SNAPMARE! Hey, is that you? Today's your lucky day, kid! Get over here! It's the Snapmare Kid, Heidi!
NH: Oh, is it? Look, I don't know if this is such a good idea, Billy. I mean, he's untested on the mic.
SK: Hey, Billy. Wow, Nurse Heidi! (shakes her hand) It is an honor to shake your hand. You are a goddess! I've got posters of you all over my wall!
NH: Oh, he's good. Can we keep him? Wait a minute, I've never been in any posters....
SK: And that's such a shame, too. I had to follow you around for months to get those shots.
[Nurse Heidi moves her chair away from him a few inches.]
BP: Ooo. Some advice? I think you went a little too far on the sucking up there, Kid.
[Suddenly, "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm blasts through the speakers. SMP comes out with his leather jacket. He tries to walk to the ring like a bad-ass, but ends up walking more like a duck. The fans are booing surprisingly loudly.]
NH: There he is, the "Breast Man For The Job"! SMP! WOOOOOO! C'mon! Give it up! #sigh# These fans are idiots.
BP: Yeah, for even watching. So, Snapmare Kid, what's been going on in the developmental program lately?
SK: Well, I just learned this cool new move, but they won't let me do it, because I still can't make it look real enough.
BP: What's it called?
SK: A "clothesline", or something.
BP: A clothesline? You can't do a clothesline?? YOU STICK YOUR ARM OUT! What are we paying these people for? It's been months and they only taught you three moves?!
NH: SMP slides in the ring now, and the Undietaker's stomping away.
BP: Wait a second. Wait a second! STOP THE MATCH! What's going on? This is a Panties-On-A-Pole match, but I see no panties on that pole, Heidi. What's going on?
NH: Oh. My bad. I forgot.
[She then gets up and rolls into the ring. She's wearing a black leather mini skirt, and the fans go crazy as she does a pseudo-strip tease and inches down her underwear. It's pink, for the edification of Scotty Whatbody. SMP is staring at her, mesmerized, and the Undietaker is staring at a particularly fat woman in the audience whose humongous panties are showing over the rim of her sweatpants. I really wish the camera hadn't focussed in on that. Heidi starts hopping to place the panties on top of the pole, but alas, she's not ten feet tall. SMP goes over to help her out, picks her up in powerbomb position and backs towards the pole. Think Litacanrana. The crowd pops like crazy. Heidi looks distracted, but finally gets them on top of the pole. Finally, Heidi leans way, way over to exit the ring. The crowd seems extremely energized.]
SK: Wow! Unfair! That SMP sure has a lucky face, doesn't he, Billy?
SK: Oh, look, she's bending over! I love it when she does that! Here it comes! SHE'S NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR! YES!
BP: Been there. Done that.
NH: (rejoining them at the table) Well, that was certainly....entertaining.
BP: (his arms are crossed) Oh, had FUN up there, did you?
NH: Oh, you better believe I did. Now, I just wonder why SOME people can't be that giving.
BP: We're not talking about this, alright? You know I really hate tuna fish.....
[Nurse Heidi then slaps him so hard, she knocks him out of his seat.]
BP: What? I don't want to talk about my love life in front of the camera so I just changed the subject to this sandwich I'm about to eat! GEEZ! Why'd you hit me?!
SK: Uh, okay, guys. Shouldn't we be talking about what's going on in the ring?
BP: Okay. Well, fans, SMP just scored a dropkick, but the Undietaker just stands there. Now, SMP to the ropes, and a clothesline! But the Undietaker just stands there.
SK: See? SMP can't do them, either.
NH: What's up with the Undietaker? I think the Li'l Boss is gonna have a few choice words to say to him after this match....
BP: SMP with an eye poke now. And the Undietaker doesn't even blink!
NH: What the hell? This isn't fair! I bet the Undietaker couldn't even sell a hot dog!
SK: Whoa! And now the Undietaker's got him by the throat! What's that called?
BP: A throat grab, maybe? He's going for the Chokeslam! Come on, SMP, do something!
NH: YES! He kicked him square in the nuts! What the-? He didn't sell that, either!
BP: Well, think about it. He wears the underwear of everyone he defeats in the ring. He must have three or four pair!
NH: Just three or four?
BP: Well, he doesn't wrestle very often. Alright, SMP pulled away now, but the Undietaker's still behind him. And now he's reaching down--what's he DOING? Is he going for his drawers already? Now that's just disgusting! Why can't the Undietaker get his used underwear the NORMAL way, on e-Bay like the rest of us?
BP: SMP trying to stop him now, but the Undietaker grabbed his hand, and now he's lifted him up for a pumphandle! He's walking towards the ropes now, and he just dumped SMP outside and all the way down to the concrete! MAN! He could have killed him!
NH: Oh, NO! My poor Silly. I've gotta go see if he's alright!
SK: What's going on, Billy? I thought she was your girlfriend. Why's she all over that guy?
BP: I suppose I should be jealous, huh? But hey, she never said she was my girlfriend. And besides, he IS my best friend. I mean, even though he betrayed me and he literally cost me about a million George Washingtons....oh, and I remember that time he drugged me and turned my left pec into a D-cup. I looked like a female cancer survivor. But I'm sure that was all just in good fun. Just some friendly hazing, I guess. Yup. Once you're NQM, YOU'RE NQM, DAMMIT!!
SK: Wow, Billy, that's not good. What's Nurse Heidi doing now? First aid kisses?
BP: (looking angry) Well, uh, that's just part of CPR, Kid. Yup. (looking angrier) SMP's heart must have stopped--AGAIN! Because he's OLD!! And WRINKLED! Yeah, he's practically a SENIOR CITIZEN!
SK: Uh-oh, the Undietaker's coming towards them and now SMP's crawling under the ring. Why's he doing that, Billy?
BP: Because he's smart? Uh-oh, the Undietaker's going after him, though. Hmm. They've been down there for a while. I wonder what they're doing?
SK: Me, too. Uh, yeah, there's not a lot of action to call right now. What now, Billy?
BP: People turn the channel?
NH: (returning to her seat) So, Snapmare, how are things going? How's your love life now that you're a BOB superstar.
SK: Well, can't complain, can't complain. Except I still don't have a girlfriend. I'm not gonna get discouraged, though. I just don't get it, is all. I mean, there's supposedly a lot more girls than there are guys in the world, right?
BP: You know what it is--it's those damned Mormons and their two wives apiece! That's what it is! Somebody's gotta DO something about them.
SK: (slapping him five) You said it, bro!
NH: (shaking her head) Oh, look, and the Undietaker is now emerging from underneath the ring first. And he's alone! What happened to Sil?
BP: Undietaker now climbing to the top rope and now he's tight-rope walking across the top ring rope! He's holding his arms out for balance and he's walking towards the pole! That's pretty agile for a seven-footer!
NH: Uh, why didn't he just climb the corner with the pole in it?
BP: Because it wouldn't be this COOL!
NH: Look! There's Sil! And he's shaking the ropes!
SK: OOH! And the Undietaker just crotched himself. And he fell outside the ring! This is great stuff! I gotta write this down.
NH: Come on, Sil! Look, he's climbing the pole! He's almost there! If he gets those panties first, I'll let him put them back on me.
BP: Are you sure you want to do that, Heidi? I know he's my best friend and all, but he is pretty slimy. I even hear the girlies have a nickname for him: "Vagi-Sil".
NH: What are you talking about, Billy? I've been sleeping with him for years, and he never gave me anything that I didn't already have....
BP: Yikes. I can't believe I slept with you....
SK: Uh-oh, the Undietaker's up now and he's got SMP by that throat grab thingie again!
BP: Holy crap! He's trying to Chokeslam him, but SMP's holding onto the pole! The Taker now reaching for SMP's shorts, but SMP's going commando tonight, apparently!
NH: Ooooh, really? COME ON, SMP! YOU CAN DO IT!!
BP: Looks like the Undietaker's getting frustrated now and he just kicked the pole! And again! It's shaking! He just booted it again and down it comes, right on top of SMP!!
NH: But he's got them! He's got my underwear!! I think I'll go into the ring and congratulate him.
[Suddenly, the sound of stuff breaking fills the arena as the great Luke Warm makes his eerily unanticipated return to BOB.]
NH: Well, then again, maybe I'll congratulate him a little later.
BP: Ha! You're pretty cowardly for a woman, you know that? What's the Undietaker doing? He's standing over the fallen SMP now and looking at him menacingly. Ooh, scary. Ha ha! SMP's a genius! No underwear for YOU, you no-selling nutmuncher! And now, well Mike's not here to say it, so here goes: STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! Luke Warm just STONECUTTERed the Undietaker! And he actually SOLD it! What is going ON here? And why isn't Luke attacking SMP?? He's helping him to his feet! STONECUTTER! Nevermind.
NH: And now he's flipping you off, Billy.
BP: No, actually, it kind of looks like he's aiming more towards the Snapmare Kid. Man, he certainly doesn't think much of you, Kid. Are you gonna take that?
SK: What? I'm just sitting here. And he doesn't even know who I am!
BP: Ooh, you better get in there, Kid. It's gonna damage your street cred if people think you're a coward....
SK: Fine! I'm not afraid of him!
[The Snapmare Kid slides into the ring, only to immediately receive a STONECUTTER. Luke then proceeds to climb a turnbuckle as somebody tosses two rich, chocolatey Yoo-Hoos at him.]
NH: Well, I guess it's Luke-Hoo time, and uh-oh, he spilled some of the cool and refreshing beverage on his T-shirt. And now he's carefully removing it, and what's he doing? He just pulled a toothbrush out of his back pocket?
BP: I guess he's trying to scrub out the stain before it sets, Heidi. We're a long way away from a washing machine.
[Meanwhile, SMP and the Snapmare Kid are still lying down in the middle of the ring. SMP suddenly opens one of his eyes and then closes it immediately when he realizes a camera is on him.]
BP: I don't believe it. He's been scrubbing away for a few minutes now and the fans are STILL going nuts. I HATE SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!!
NH: Don't worry, Billy. He's leaving the ring now. Looks like a group of referees have come down and are now restoring order and advising him on which detergent to use....
[Suddenly, everyone in the ring stands up and slowly make their way to the back.]
BP: So, Kid, that's called a STONECUTTER. How'd it feel?
SK: Annoying. Look, I've had enough. I'm going home.
BP: Damn. I wish I could go home.....
NH: Well, Billy, I think it's about time we start our next match.
MA: So do I. Ladies and gentlemen, this match is a two-on-one handicap match and is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, and being accompanied by "roommate-and-partner" Josh, weighing in at a combined weight of 330 pounds, here are Jim and Brandon, the, what was it, Massively Smacking Bitch Packages?
[The Kent Staters come out to the ring together doing some "techno-jive" dance thing to "Pop" by N-Sync. They are all wearing sun visors. Backwards. Severely under-aged girls are insanely jumping up and down and literally peeing their pants. It's okay, though, as many of them are practically young enough to still be wearing diapers anyway.]
BP: (covering his ears because of the noise) I hate these idiots. I really, really do. And what's Josh doing out here, anyway? It's ALREADY two-on-one!
NH: (yelling over the noise) I'm sorry to tell you this, Billy, but Josh is coming over here!
Josh: Well, well, well, if it isn't Billy Polar.
BP: (standing up) What do YOU want?
Josh: Now, now, now. I don't want to start nothing. Well, no, I DO want to. But I'm not gonna. I'm just out here to do guest commentary, Li'l Boss's orders.
BP: Fine. You just stay on your side of the table, alright? I don't want any of your cooties.
Josh: Oh, and Heidi, I'm really sorry I didn't call you.
NH: I'M not. So, Josh, do you have any idea who's challenged you guys here tonight?
Josh: Oh, we're pretty sure who it is. We do go to college, you know. It might not be Harvard, but we still know our p's and q's. (staring into the camera) That's right, kids. Don't be a fool. Stay in school. (snapping his fingers and singing) I said stay-ay-ay-ayyyy......in schoooooool! (talking normally again) Or you'll end up in disgrace like the Backstreet Boys. Remember that, kids. Your ass ain't legit, if you ain't learned some shit! That's for our fans back in sunny CA.
BP: Wow. That's a pretty high note you hit back there, Josh.
Josh: What are you trying to say?
BP: Uh, nothing. I'm just impressed that you can still get your voice so high, what with being as old as you are and everything.
Josh: (looking at Heidi) What's he trying to say?
NH: Sometimes I think only he knows. Hey, it looks like the Masked Announcer is about to introduce the mystery opponent!
MA: And now introducing their special mystery opponent, hailing from Tampa, Florida and weighing in at 252 pounds, here is the UUULTIMATE WORRIERRRRRRR!!!
[The Worrier comes hot-footing it to the ring to some unmistakably stolen theme music. He jumps up and grabs the ring-ropes and just stares at his two opponents. Then, suddenly, his jaw quivers and he starts quaking in fear, causing his arms to shake the ring ropes. He then takes off and sprints back to the locker rooms.]
BP: What the hell was that? That was pathetic! Geez! Take a speech class, fella! Somebody get that guy some chewing gum or something! Stat! Go back there and jerk him off, Heidi. I'll bet he'd be nice and relaxed then....
NH: Shut up, Pole Boy. Now that was just embarrassing. I feel so bad for him, but I guess he just wasn't ready.
Josh: Well, you see that, Li'l Boss! People are actually afraid of us! We should ALL be main-eventers! Who sells more merchandise than us? Besides Steve Dell?
BP: Oh, give me a break! You have to BEAT the main eventers to BE the main eventers, moron! And you've never even come close!
Josh: I didn't come CLOSE? Were you even AT NAGAM?
BP: Oh, please, you never had a chance.
Josh: What are you talking about? I had you pinned! Several times!
[Billy makes a "talks-too-much" hand puppet gesture with his hand.]
Josh: Oh YEAH?! How'd the match end, then? You don't know, do you? Because you were UNCONSCIOUS!!
NH: Now, now, boys! Boys! I've just received word that Dennis is trying to catch a few words with the Ultimate Worrier to find out what happened. Let's cut over to that now.
[The camera pans to the locker room area and is following Dennis around. Sergeant Walker can be seen in a far corner, Double Dutching with Insano Mano and Kamikaze Ken holding the ends of the jump ropes. Terra Rism is sitting on a bench, reading "Maxim" and Abdullah Fullah Shiite is engaging Homicidal Hank in a quick game of Travel Yahtzee. Suddenly, the Worrier walks in front of the camera.]
Dennis: Well, old chap, I must say, the powers that be are very disappointed with your recent performances.
UW: What are you talking about? At least this time I made it THROUGH the curtains. Baby steps! And Worriers of the World, don't worry, I WILL return to the ring. And it doesn't matter who my opponents are. Bohemoth! SMP! Billy Polar! Xamfir! #grunting like a pig# I fear NOTHING but fear itself. AAAAAAAHHH!! WHAT WAS THAT?!
Dennis: Uh, a bird chirping?
UW: Well, okay then. There's nothing wrong with being cautious. That could've been the government, you know. They're after me. They're after us all!! AAAAAAHHHH!!
[The Worrier looks off to his left, sees something, and then takes off. Just then, three guys pass by the camera. The camera then cuts back to Billy.]
BP: Man, that sucked. Like YOUR vignettes, Josh. What are you gonna offer BOB if you're a main eventer? (making a falsetto voice) Hi, Heidi. It's me. Peter the Talking Penis. How come you haven't called me. I miss you, Heidi. You know I love you. I love to stare deep into your blue eyes while you're sucking on me!
NH: That's IT! I'm never sleeping with you AGAIN!!
BP: What! I was just trying to make a point! You're pretty sensitive for a ring groupee, you know that?
Josh: Wait a second, wait a second. Did that narrator guy say "three guys"? Three Guys?!
NH: What is it?
Josh: (looking off into the distance) #gulp# It's them.
[Suddenly, Jim and Brandon are jumped from behind by none other than the returning team of Jean Bannister and Sir Hungalot.]
BP: Whoa! Now we got ourselves a match!
Josh: NOOOOOOOOO!! They followed us here from PCW! I KNEW they were going to!
NH: Hungalot now whipping Brandon to the ropes. And there's a--there's a--can I SAY that?
BP: Go ahead, Heidi. Spinning side dick slap. If the PTC was watching, I'm sure they would've dropped off to sleep about a good half hour ago.
NH: And now Bannister's trapped Jim from behind and he's holding him for Hungalot! But Jim responds with a kick to Hungalot's enormous manhood!
BP: Ugh. How could he miss?
Josh: I've gotta do something. But the Li'l Boss told me to only do commentary and not interfere. I can't break a rule. I'm a face. What kind of message would that send to all my devoted fans?
BP: I'm gonna send a message upside your head if I have to sit by you any longer. The Li'l Boss will understand, and if he doesn't, you'll get whipped by a hot blonde chick on Mayhem. It's a win-win situation.
Josh: You're sick. But you're right. I'm coming Jim, I'm coming! Just hang on a little longer!
BP: Yeah, Jim, think about baseball stats or something. So you say they're roommates in a one-bedroom apartment? Hmm. Anyway, Josh in the ring now and he just caught Hungalot in the face with a dropkick. Big boot to Bannister who lets go of Brandon. And now Josh with a powerslam on Bannister. And he kicks him out of the ring.
NH: Hungalot rolls out as well. And Josh has cleared the ring! But Brandon's still down, and what's this? It's the Violent Pacifist! He just emerged from behind the curtains and he's just standing there on the rampway, holding Mr. Bat. And smiling. Something's up.
BP: Now now. Not necessarily. VP's not very smart. Josh is gesturing for him to come on down, but he's just standing there. What's he doing now?
NH: He just went back behind the curtains. Why'd he do that? What's he got up his sleeve?
BP: Hmm, well he IS a pacifist. Maybe he just assaulted them non-violently....
NH: Oh, look out, ugh! Oh no!
BP: Well, well, well, it's Abdullah Fullah Shiite and the thirteen-fingered freedom fighter, Terra Rism. And, oh look, here comes Walker, Taliban Ranger. I guess they got bored not having a match tonight, and they're out to attack and offend.
NH: This is just disgusting. How can the Li'l Boss even ALLOW this angle?
BP: Well, we're the first wrestling federation to try it. I guess he was thinking that it'd draw attention to us or something. But our ratings have yet to rise. Probably because THERE ARE NO TELEVISIONS IN AFGHANISTAN!!
NH: Terra Rism now, staring down Josh face to face. And now they're trading punches, and Terra Rism just floored him! And Walker has Jim in the Taliban Torture Rack! And Brandon's tonguing some 14-year-old chick-let in the crowd, and now a cop's tapping him on the shoulder! Things sure don't look too good for the Kent State Krew right now! And look, Abdullah's got a mic!
A"F"S: (with a Hindu 7-11 clerk accent) Stoopid USA! (standing over Josh) Oh, who is Evan Kourageous now, sir?
[Suddenly, a figure in a superhero's outfit comes sprinting to the ring.]
NH: It's the Avenger Dyslexic! I mean, you know what I mean. Our mentally impaired friend is back to undo evil-doers and all those who would make light of his reading deficiency! He's in the ring now and he's going right after that fat camel turd, Terra Rism! He jumped on his back and is trying to choke him out! Oh no! Rism just grabbed him and threw him out of the ring.
BP: Well, still, that's quite the return he just made. Yup. He IS a force. Did you see him clear the ring? Of HIMSELF? Heh heh. And hey, maybe he IS a superhero. I mean, did you see the way he FLEW out of the ring? BWAAAA-HA-HA!
DA: (pointing at Billy) One evil, up shut!
BP: 'Scuse me? I didn't catch that.
DA: Mouth your sh-sh-shut your mouth!
BP: Huh? What, do you stutter now, too? What? You want a piece of me, brain-fart boy?
[Billy then grabs his belt, pops the Avenger in the head with it, and starts up a beat down on the prone pseudo-superhero.]
NH: (grabbing Billy's arm) Stop it, Billy! THAT'S IT! You can sleep in your OWN seedy motel room tonight!
BP: What? Why? What brought all this on? Oh, I know. You're still in love with Coma, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?! Well, fine! Just tell me WHY! Is it because he "poinks" better than me? That's it, isn't it? ISN'T IT!!
NH: Oh, PLEASE. Him, no contest. And you brought this on because you're an a-hole!
BP: So? I think you misunderstood me. I want to know why you won't have SEX with me! DA: EVIL YOU YOU I'LL KILL BASTARD!
[Billy grabs his cape and starts choking him with it.]
NH: #sigh# Fans, we better take a short commercial break to clear the ring. PLEASE don't turn the channel. Ooh, I'm begging. I feel dirty. Like a telemarketer.
Once again, to remind you all that I do, indeed, have a lot of pull around here, I am fully sponsoring this month's Polarvizion. Meaning, in lieu of a commercial, you can all just stare at a picture of me for thirty seconds, or until the rest of the card comes out. That's power. So there, Sarah. You don't know what you're letting slip through your fingers, honey.
NH: #sigh# We're back, fans, and once again I apologize for the disgusting actions of my broadcast colleague. Really, Billy, picking on a poor guy who can't read good, I mean, read well. Or is it "good"?
[The Dyslexic Avenger can be seen being carried from the ring on a stretcher to his theme music "Here I Save To Come The Day". Supposedly, it's similar to the Ballad of Mighty Mouse. He's weakly giving a thumbs up to the crowd and they're actually cheering him.]
BP: Heh heh. I ass his kicked! He didn't chance a have! I can't stand that guy. Going around like he's some kind of superhero or something. That with up what? So you can't read? Why don't you go join a construction crew then, you moron!!
NH: How the HELL do you keep your job? Anyway, fans, we're about to head to our big six-man pseudo-main event.
BP: God--DAMMIT!! Why do they always put the six man tags on MY show??
NH: Because your show sucks. Now, let's go to the back for a word from our favorite threesome, the--what should we call them? The Scooby Gang? No, that's been taken.
BP: The Doobie Gang? Oh, hey, what about the "Erudition Coalition"? That was the name of my Harvard debate team. Oh, those were the days. Yes, the fellows and I would stay up late Friday nights, raiding the associate dean's wine cellar and inventing arguments to refute the flat tax theory. Oh, the memories!
NH: Yeah, that's good. But how about we think up something COOL. Like ANYTHING else.
BP: Look, why are we even having this argument? Sarah already told me what they call themselves. They're SARAH THE JOBBER SLAYER and them other people.
NH: Oh, okay. Let's see what they have to say about Little Good.
[The camera pans to Sarah's own, private locker room. Sarah is shadow-boxing, Kay Fabe is actually using her broomstick to sweep up some lint, and Xamfir is juggling bananas in the background. Styles suddenly rushes into the shot.]
Styles: Oh Sarah, there you are, I'm so excited. It's almost time for your first encounter with Little Good. Are you sure you're ready?
Sarah: Insulting, much? The question is, is HE ready for ME? And the answer: either way I'm going to kick his ass and several other body parts as well.
Styles: Now, Sarah, I know you're the Jobber Slayer, but please. This whole night just feels wrong. Scotty Whatbody is sponsoring this show, did you know that? Do be careful, okay?
Sarah: What, now you've got the wiggins, too? Come on. Little Good's IQ is so low that he'll be too busy tripping over it to lay a hand on me.
Styles: Yes, I don't disagree with that. Well, I suppose it's about time to get EXXXX-TREME!! As well as, yes, the match is about to start.
Kay Fabe: (giving Sarah a shoulder massage) And don't worry, Styles. We'll take real good care of her. Hey. It's why we're here.
Sarah: Hel-LO! Jobber Slayer over here! I don't need your help. You two just stay out of my way, okay? You're my friends and I don't want to see you get hurt. Or peed on.
[She then walks out of the room and leaves behind Kay Fabe, who has a look of hurt on her face. Xamfir is still smiling away, and even though he dropped all of his bananas, he's still pretending to juggle. The camera then cuts back to the Masked Announcer.]
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce the special guest commentator for this match. Please welcome, STYYYYYLLLLLES!!
[The ECW theme music plays for about two seconds since Styles is already sitting by Nurse Heidi.]
ST: OH MY GOD!! I've been waiting quite awhile for this match, I can assure you. Tonight is the night that wanker, Little Good, gets his.
BP: Gets his what?
MA: Tramps, sluts, hos and assorted jerks and creeps, the following is a no-disqualification six-man tag team encounter. Introducing first, hailing from Cloudydale, here are SARAH THE JOBBER SLAYER, and her sidekick lackeys, KAY FABE and AMBERRRR!!
[The trio stomp determinedly to the ring to "Temptation Waits" by Garbage. The fans are going crazy, most of them running up to the guardrail and trying to hand Sarah their programs to autograph, but she just ignores them.]
ST: That's "Xamfir" by the way, not "Amber".
BP: Sorry, Styles, whatever the Masked Announcer says is what goes down in the history books.
ST: Oh. Well. That's pretty funny, actually. I'm sure he'll get over it.
NH: And someone should tell these idiot fans that she's not really Sarah Michelle Gellar!! We're wrestlers! Nobody asks for our autographs!! It's not fair! Stupid fans!
BP: Well, they're Tiger fans. Need I say more?
ST: Certainly not. You never have to say anything again, and I heartily encourage you not to. Now, you sound jealous, Heidi.
NH: The whole locker room's, jealous! They hate her! She's arrogant, egotistical, politically ambitious, disrespectful, and a total, dare-I-say, BITCH! Remind you of anybody, Billy?
BP: (studying Sarah's ring entrance) No. Well, she's---wearing very tight clothes. THOSE are real!
NH: What? Her leather pants?
BP: Nooooo. I was talking about her rack, genius.
NH: PIG! You're like Scotty's little brother or something. I guess that's the one thing she has that you don't. Dignity. You know, when you two finally meet in the ring, I hope she beats you.
ST: You won't have to hope. That'll be a given, I'm sorry to say. No offense to your wrestling prowess of course, Mr. Polar, but she's going to kick your ass quite painfully, I'm afraid. I'm literally counting the days. Again, don't mind me, Billy. I'm sorry.
BP: I understand. At least you said it with RESPECT. Unlike SOME people. And who's side are you ON, Heidi? Don't forget that I can give you things that she NEVER can, short of extremely costly and invasive surgery.
NH: I wouldn't be too sure, Billy. With those bananas? Her no contest! And besides, when Sarah won that Swiss Army belt, she won a title for ALL wrestling vixens worldwide! Excluding Chyna, who of course doesn't count.
ST: Now, if you two don't mind, can the match begin now?
BP: Not until I say so. I'M BILLY POLAR AND THIS IS MY SHOW, DAMMIT!! HARVARD! Okay, go ahead.
[Meanwhile, Sarah is standing in the ring, dressed in black leather and holding her Swiss Army belt. She licks it suggestively. Then she places the belt to her lips and then proceeds to start making out with it while squeezing her nipples with her free hand. The crowd loves it. I love it. EVERYBODY loves it! Except for Kay Fabe. She looks a bit jealous.]
MA: YOWZA!! Well, introducing next, their opponents---
[Suddenly, the Masked Announcer is interrupted as Urine and Death emerge from underneath the ring and charge, well, the ring.]
NH: Oh, MAN! Does that guy look disgusting or what?
BP: Which one? I thought something smelled funny out here, but I just assumed it was the Geek.
ST: Urine entering the ring first, but it looks like Kay is ready for him!
BP: What the hell? I didn't see her carrying that on the way out! Where'd she hide it?
NH: I bet it has something to do with all that "practice" with those bananas....
ST: No, you idiots, she just picked up the ten-foot pole from the pole match earlier.
BP & NH: (in unison) Ohhhhhh.
ST: And she just blasted Urine about the head with it! OH MY GOD!!
NH: Well, I don't think Urine's going to be able to contribute much more to this matchup. OH, DISGUSTING!! He just-he just---oh, that's sick!
BP: Kay Fabe should've brought a mop instead of a broomstick. I guess everyone'll have to avoid that corner for the rest of the night.
NH: You know, that Urine guy might actually have a future here. I could see him tagging with Stinkbutt Nastyass. I COULD see him doing that, but I probably wouldn't watch.
ST: But we have to watch. It's our JOB.
BP: Too bad we can't make anyone else watch. Hey, looks like it's Death's turn. He's climbing into the ring now and everyone's backing away but Sarah! Not too bright, is she?
ST: Hey, you watch your mouth, boy! I love that girl. Platonically, like a daughter, of course.
NH: Yeah, sure. (muttering under her breath) Dirty old man....
BP: Man, seeing this Death guy sure brings back memories. He was my mentor, you know. I remember when he was STWF champ. He was my hero! He never lost his title because once he won it, he lost every concurrent match by either countout or disqualification. Now THAT'S the way to cheat! Of course, they eventually stripped him of the title so the Tiger could win it again, bunch of whiny buttsniffers. He was too smart for them, though, and he quit in protest, walked out with their belt, and pawned it off for crack money. Oh, what a storied past our sport has held.
ST: Please forgive me, but will you shut the hell up? Death in the ring now and he's staring down Sarah. But ho, what's this? Death's cellphone is ringing.
NH: Wow, Death uses a Nokia. Must be with Sprint. That's pretty smart. Free long distance, I hear.
BP: Will you STOP? We're never gonna land another sponsor after that Dell fiasco, so just forget it.
ST: Huh, and Death is leaving the ring now. I guess somebody died somewhere.
BP: What are the chances of that happening? And now it looks like three on one, as Little Good is now making his way out to the ring. Oh, man. He doesn't look happy. I'd go out and help him, of course, but unfortunately, I don't care.
[Little Good enters the ring and just stands there with his mouth open in shock. Sarah and friends have him surrounded and they're smiling big Bill Clinton smiles.]
NH: Wow, poor guy. This isn't fair. Wait, he's got a mic.
ST: Yeah, like that'll save him. Tonight, Little Good's getting exactly what's coming to him!
LG: #gulp# Yeah, yeah, I swear it! I've never seen those two blokes before in my whole life! And now, I'd like to introduce my REAL pahtnahs, uh, #gulp# uhhhhhhh, the lovely Kay Fabe, and the uh, the uh, that Xamfir guy over there!
ST: OH MY GOD! Why, this is outrageous! He can't do that! They're already Sarah's partners!
LG: So, what's it gonna be? The Bosses said I could have whichever partners I choose!
[The crowd is silent as Little Good is just standing there looking pleadingly at Kay Fabe, who is looking pleadingly back at Sarah, who's just looking pissed. Xamfir is standing in the middle of the ring, looking scared and waving to the camera. When he sees the camera on him, he starts making fart noises with his armpits.]
NH: Man, what a soap opera this is turning out to be. Which side will they choose?
ST: (sweating slightly) Well, it's obvious, isn't it? They're her friends. They'll stick by her.
BP: Oh, please. There's nothing more traitorous than a love-lorn lesbian. If my last paycheck didn't bounce and screw up my credit rating, I'd definitely put money on the red-headed broom bitch!
[Suddenly, Xamfir attacks Little Good and the crowd goes crazy.]
ST: OH MY GOD, I knew it! All is right with the world! Little Good's in big trouble now!
NH: Little Good blocking a punch now, and just bitch-slapped Xamfir up-and-over the top rope!
ST: And now Kay Fabe's run in! Her eyes are turning black, you know what that means! You won't want to miss this, you guys!
BP: What are you talking about?! Judging by our ratings, EVERYBODY wants to miss this.
NH: It looks like Kay Fabe is channeling the spirit of another dead wrestler! Let's see who it is. It's---it's---what the-?
[Kay Fabe suddenly shrinks to about three feet tall. She once again has noticeable sideburns.]
ST: (looking dumbfounded) Uh.....oh?
BP: Hey, I recognize that dwarf! It's Lord Littlebrooke! From Wrestlemania 3 fame! Heh heh. I guess it's time for Kay Fabe to work her midget magic! It's Little Guy vs. Little Good.
[Little Good stomps one of his army boots on the mat, takes a few steps back, runs up and punts Kay Fabe over the top rope and into the audience.]
BP: (raising his arms in the "two up-rights" position) IT'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! And the Patriots win the Super Bowl! The Patriots win!
NH: And now it's down to one-on-one. Good vs. evil. And this is how it SHOULD be if you ask me. Stupid six-mans. We have so many of them I'm surprised we haven't come up with some kind of six-man title yet.
BP: Shhhhhh! Shut UP, Heidi. I can't believe you said that out loud! Don't you know our booking team's so desperate right now that they'll latch on to ANY idea? You just---you just don't know what you've DONE.....
ST: Quiet, you two. You are about to see firsthand, what a Jobber Slayer can truly do. Come on, Sarah. Show us your stuff. It's time to get EXXXX-TREME!!
NH: Sarah now in a karate stance. And there's a kick to the head. And another kick, and a kick, and a backwards kick, and a kick with the other leg, and a hopping kick, and now she punched him, uppercut, combination, and a kick to his shins, his stomach, his face. What action! But what does it have to do with wrestling?
BP: Oh, come on, Heidi. It's classic, bare knuckles "I-hit-you-and-then-you-hit-me" brawling. Uhh. Little Good's just letting her have a really long turn, that's all. Can't resist her feminine charms, I guess.
ST: You want wrestling? Fine. (yelling) HEY, SARAH! FINISH HIM OFF!!
NH: And now what's she doing? She backed off, and she's going for a spear! She caught him!
ST: OH MY GOD!!
BP: But look, he caught her, too! At the last second he grabbed her head and DDTed her at the same time! They're both down! Much like our last pay-per-view buyrate, might I add. Maybe we should start advertizing or something.
ST: Will you stop talking business for once? You're here to call the matches, you twit. C'mon, Sarah! Get up!
BP: Awww, what's the matter? Your Jobber Slayer's not doing too well against THIS jobber, Styles. What could the problem be?
ST: I don't know. It must be her cycle. She must be bloated or something.
BP: Hey, he said it. Not me.
ST: Oh, no, I can't believe it. Little Good got to his feet first. And now he's got Sarah by the legs, and OOH, I've never seen that maneuver before. What is that? Some kind of reverse leglock?
NH: Yeah, Billy. You've been to Japan. What is that called?
BP: Oh, that? That-that-they call that the, uh, the "leg pretzel". Yeah, yeah, they pronounce it "Sakana mi Shitsu".
NH: Uh, are you sure? I've never heard of a leg pretzel. There's no such move. You just made that up.
BP: Of course there is. (pointing to his head) Harvard, remember? You know, that Little Good is quite well-traveled for a "jobber" as you call him.
ST: Nonetheless, he IS a jobber, and he will be defeated tonight, without a doubt.
NH: Well, you certainly seem sure of yourself, Styles. Next time we're in Nevada, I'm hanging out with YOU.
BP: Sarah's trying to inch towards the ropes now. That hold looks painful. I'm surprised she hasn't given up yet. I mean, she's just a girl.
ST: I'll have you know she's NOT "just a girl". She's HARD-CORE!! And besides, it's been well-documented that women can take more pain than men.
NH: (slapping him five) Right on, sista! I mean, Styles.
BP: Oh, yeah right. Gimme a break. And how can you possibly validate that, Styles? Let me guess. You used to be a female, right? I HATE THE NEW MILLENNIUM!! Why do all the freaks have to come to BOB?!
ST: Honestly. I assure you, I've always been of the male persuasion. Will you just call the match?
NH: Sarah's got the ropes now, but Generic Ref's not counting. Oh yeah, it's a no-DQ match. Little Good can hold it for as long as he wants! But Sarah just got angry and kicked him off.
ST: You SEE? Never cross a cross Jobber Slayer. A female temper is a force to be feared.
BP: (looking at Heidi) Especially if she's a biter. And look, now she's pummeling him again! No technique! No prowess! Just pain.
ST: Wow, that was good stuff.
BP: Thank you. Harvard Dead Poets' Society. That was the late, great Gorilla Monsoon.
[Meanwhile, in the ring, Little Good is on his knees and has covered his face and head area with his leather jacket while Sarah proceeds to kick him to pieces.]
NH: Jesus. Little Good's really taking a beating! Both of his eyes are already swelling shut. Are those REGULATION steel-toed wrestling boots that Sarah's wearing?
BP: Probably. Who knows? The BigBOSS couldn't afford a copy of CFR73301-Federal Regulations for Wrestling Attire. I hope OSHA doesn't get wind of this.
ST: Oh, look, what's this? The miserable coward took off running. And now Sarah's chasing him around the ring!
[Suddenly, StreetMime shows up in the ring out of nowhere and Sarah trips over him.]
ST: (looking flustered) OH MY GOD! What-wha-what is the meaning of this? Who is that guy?
NH: It's StreetMime! What's he doing out here? He's pointing an "invisible" baseball bat at Little Good now and Sarah's just shrugging her shoulders and going after them both.
ST: Well, of course. What's one more jobber anyway?
BP: But you guys don't understand. It's StreetMime. He's the KING of the Jobbers. He's been trying to get them all to unite and form a union for years. Something's going on here. And, knowing StreetMime, it's something pathetic.
ST: Is that supposed to make me apprehensive?
BP: No, it's just StreetMime for crying out loud.
ST: Good, 'cause it's not working. Come on, Sarah! Quit dilly-dallying and bash their heads in!
NH: Uh-oh, both Little Good and StreetMime are charging Sarah at the same time. And Sarah backdrops Little Good and kicks StreetMime in the breadbasket. She's got the Mime by the beret now and drags him over to Little Good. Face crusher! And their faces collided!!
BP: Man, that's brutal! Little Good'll NEVER be able to get that white face paint off.
ST: OH MY GOD! Sarah's going for the cover now, and YES! Another jobber successfully jobbed out to Sarah the Jobber Slayer.
NH: Well, it looks like you were right, Styles. It looks like Sarah's won the first battle in the war between herself and Little Good. But, I'm sure they'll have many, many more in the future. And, of course, she'll win all of them, I take it.
ST: You said it. Not me. Gotta go. I hope Kay Fabe and Xamfir are alright. She TOLD them to get out of the way....
NH: Right, well, thank God that's all the matches. Now all we have left is your interview, Billy. Hurry it up so we can all go home.
BP: Uh, well, I think you'd better cover for me, Heidi. I've got that flu bug that's been going around and my throat is all hoarse and I can't talk.
NH: You liar! You sound perfectly normal. Whoa. I can't believe I just called you normal.
BP: Here, take the microphone, Heidi. I don't want to get germs on it.
NH: Fine. I'll do the stupid interview, and then I'm going home....WITHOUT YOU!
BP: Fine! If you leave without me, then I'M LEAVING WITHOUT YOU, TOO! So there!
[Heidi then climbs into the ring, which is always an event in and of itself.]
NH: Well, everybody, it's time for this week's special guest. LUKE WARM!!
[The crowd erupts as the hairless son-of-a-bastard makes his way to the ring.]
NH: Well, Luke. Welcome back. Don't worry. I only have a few questions to ask you.
Luke: Well, you know, brother, I look at all the Luke-a-holics out there and I think to myself, there's money to be made here, brother. And I like money, OOOHHH YAYAHHHH!
NH: Uhm, first of all, quit calling me "brother" and second, what are your plans now that you've come back?
Luke: That's right, dude. Luke-amania is BACK and better than ever! And it's running WILD all over this arena, dude! It's electrifying! YAYAHHHH!
NH: Okay, um, is there anyone in particular who you'd like to face in the ring now that you're back?
Luke: You better believe it, brother dude! The Luke has come back to open up a can of butt-stomping all over their rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity asses! And that's the lower latitude, because LUKE..WARM..SAYS SO!
NH: Wait a minute, you're not making any sense. The world wants to know, who's butt are you going to stomp? IHOP's?
Luke: SMP, Billy P., Master P, Felicity, IT DOESN'T MATTER who's ass I'm gonna kick, Kamera Kid, because I'm gonna kick them ALL! What you gonna do, when the power of LUKE-AMANIA runs WILD all over the big dogs in your backyard!!
NH: Uh, hello, my name is "Nurse Heidi"?
[Luke then proceeds to remove his T-shirt and place it over Nurse Heidi's face.]
sudden voice: yiou aaint ognna kicvk myt asss, yuo blad haded sun ofu bnitcgh! Fuvk tyuo! Y don youy rumn go home andf suxcks on yop m,ommAS cocjk, yu [pusdsy biuytch~!
[It's XXXtreme Machine. He's holding a microphone as he makes his way down the rampway. Luke drops his mic and flips him off. I guess we're gonna have another match. Dang it!]
NH: (returning to the commentary booth) Oh, man, it's the XXXtreme Machine! As if this night didn't suck enough....Hey, Billy, wake up!
BP: C'mon, Sarah, let go of the banana. It's MY turn! Whaaa-? I'm awake! I'm awake. Dammit! What's going on? Oh. STONECUTTER! 1---2---3! What a match! Wow, listen to the crowd. Leukemia's running wild tonight!
NH: That's Luke-aMANIA. You're saying it wrong. The show's over, so I'll see you, Billy. (sounding angry) Have fun with SARAH.
BP: What are you talking about, Heidi? I don't like Sarah. Sure, she's a hottie, don't get me wrong, but she's not you. And sure, I've had sex with her many, many times....
BP: But she was never in the room, of course. And I wouldn't care if she was, when I've got you.
NH: Wow, thank you, Billy. That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me. So you like fantasizing about other people, huh?
BP: Sure do. Hey, maybe, if you've got nothing better to do, we could have a little replay of that game we played last week?
NH: (blushing) Yeah! Tee hee! Okay, here goes. I'm Bawbawa Waltows.
BP: And I'm Hugh Downs.
Both: TONIGHT ON 20/20!
NH: Oh, Hugh!
[The credits start showing as Heidi tackles Billy and starts kissing him. They fall backward into the camera, knocking it over, and then the picture fades to black.]
©2002 BOB Wrestling!