HOUSE SHOW IS DE 7-17-99
**For some reason, a House Show is being televised, nonetheless, the standard SEW intro occurs. WOOHOO**
**A House is Shown in the background, the word "SHOW" is yelled in a slow, wheezing, monotone voice..we begin**
**2 sparklers shoot a few feet up into the RoadKill Central, Arkansas sky, as there is no area, no seats, just about 175 fans, wandering around a flattened level of forest. There are no signs in the crowd.**
HAMSTER: Welcome to HOUSE SHOW IS DE, our Saturday Event, that is now being televised on a very frickin early Monday Morning. I am Hamster, and alongside me is nobody whatsoever, cuz my previous co-announcers were stolen, buried....uh..i mean..**cough cough**. Uh, someone cue the music! **cough**
Just then, "No Chance in Heck" is played on D.J. Imhotep's bomb ass Pisher Frice "bomb ass cassette player"..out walks The SEW Big Cheez, followed by Exception, PURE EVIL, Big Beefy, and only 3 of 15 Red Assed Baboons
SEW Big Cheez **looks as if he hasnt slept a wink since the monkeys were taken**: Well, its Day, like 5 or 6, something like that, of OPERATION BRING BACK MY DAMN BABOONS YOU BASTARDS..and nothing. Well, thats just fine and dandy **twitching** be that way, see if i care, just remember...although i dont give huge speeches, and get big chants of "butthole" or anything like that, nor do i have family being stolen from me....the monkeys....err, just remember, PURE EVIL!
A crying CHEEZ waddles away, as he gets chants of "sissy bastard" from the enormous crowd.
HAMSTER: Hmm, no he aint no Mince VcVahon, but he does....aww screw it **looks at schedule** IS THIS PRINTED RIGHT? Unorthodoxo!!!....and this guy..crapola....I almost dropped everything out of my pouches on that one...holy schlamoly. **begins to laugh** Let's go down to ringside for a mauling.....i mean, a great technical match. BWAHAHAHA **falls out of chair**
A gelatinous blob forms in the ring
Gelatinous Blob: **in a slow voice that sounds like a constipated pitbull is finally taking a dump** Ladies and gentlemen, all 175 or so of you, lets start this shizzbit right...making his way to the ring, uh... weighing in at...like 100 pounds or something, i dunno. Here is UNORRRRTHOOOOOODOXOOOOO!!!
Unorthodoxo cartwheels his way to the ring, he gets into the ring, and moonsaults on Gelatinous Blob...in return, the Blob absorbs him.
Unorthodoxo: **inside the blob** WHO WANTS TO FIGHT! GRRR! RUMBLE! FIGHT! WOOF WOOF! CMON! DAMMIT! WOOF WOOF! UNORTHODOXO SCARED OF NO ONE! I LIKE TO EAT DIRT! WOOHOO!
Just then...Gug the Barbarian lumbers out.
GUG: GUG NO LIKE! GUG FIGHT NOW!
The Gelatinous Blob oozes himself in fear, then quickly slides to the announcer's booth....Unorthodoxo is left in the ring.
Hamster: Damn fine work there, Blobby. You can be the co-announcer now.
Gelatinous Blob: **turns red** I would love toooooo. **oozes onto chair** GUG made me ooze myself. You got a napkin?
Hamster hands Blob a napkin, and the napkin soaks up all of BLOB...now Hamster is by himself again.
Hamster: Dammit **squeezing napkin trying to get blob out**
Meanwhile, 5 minutes later, both wrestlers are done waiting for hamster's shenanigans and begin to fizzight.
UNORTHODOXO: **stupid noises** WOOF WOOF!
GUG: YOU SUCK! I HATE YOU! **charges Unorthodoxo**
Hamster: Holy damn. Gug wants to end it quick. **blob falls out of napkin**
Blob: Great to be back, I see my prediction is right, and Unorthy is about to have his weird ass handed to him.
Hamster: This reminds me...what the hell **Unorthodoxo jumps over the top rope, and crawls under the announcer booth, GUG is stunned, as he doesnt know Hide and Seek**
GUG: THIS SUCKS....BAD! WHERE HE GO! **fans point to announcer booth** HAHA!
GUG goes over to the announcers booth, Hamster and Blob slowly move to the left near the oddly enough not harmed spanish announcers table, GUG throws the american table far far away, grabs Unorthodoxo by his left foot, and drags him into ring.
Unorthodoxo begins to run back and forth rope to rope, as if he is trying to gain some speed for a wicked move, GUG is getting a bit dizzy.
Unorthodoxo is going fairly fast, he charges at GUG, GUG got the "deer in headlights" look, but GUG counters by lifting his foot up slightly, as if he needs to tinkle, and Unorthodoxo runs into it, nads first....you can hear Unorthodoxo wimpering.
Blob: That made my tentacle hurt.
Hamster: You dont have a tentacle
Blob: Well, if I had a tentacle, or some sort of naughty appendages, they would be saying "ow" right now.
GUG: HA HA HA HA! **points and laughs, then slaps his knee a few times**
GUG grabs Unorthodoxo, sets him up, yells "UGH!" and drops Unorthodoxo straight through the damn ring. Not only has his nads been caved in, but now the ring is too. GUG CAUSE HARM!
The Referee basically understands that Unorthodoxo has no chance in hell and highwater of standing up...and GUG is declared the winner!
GUG laughs some more, and leaves the area, in search of a deer to kill or something, i dunno.
Hamster: Egads. **silence** No, thats it actually. just egads. **fade to commercial**
Commercials: Pisher Frice "bomb ass" cassetter player, Urge soda, SEW "Padded Wall" Match Playset, etc etc
We are back at House Show is De, oh joy.
Out comes BOBO The Human Garbage Disposal. He is one fat dood.
BOBO: ME MAD ME CRUSH PUNY OPPONENTS! ME EAT LITTLE KIDS AND.....**from behind The Disgruntled Postman attacks BOBO**
Postman: YOUR MAMA!
Postman kicks BOBO in the buttocks, but Postman's foot gets stuck, as BOBO falls over. Postman gets his foot removed (although his shoe has disappeared), and begins to tie down BOBO.
Blob: Hmmm, That postman is kooky.
Hamster: Yeah, he sure hates BOBO. I wonder why
BLOB: Cuz last week he knew his roll, and apparently, didnt like it.
Just then The Postman sets up a fairly large sign next to BOBO that reads "BOUNCY CASTLE". Children line up from all around, give Postman a shiny nickel, and begin to jump up and down on BOBO.
Hamster: holy crap that looks fun **drops his headset, and runs over to BOBO and begins to jump up and down on him** WHEEEEE!
Blob: Well, we are running slightly out of time, so although BOBO castle looks fun, we hafta go on!
Fat Bitch wobbles her tank ass to the dirt field, thus making the crowd go spaztic, and some nurses are forced to sedate the crazies. Fat comes out wearing a tight pink mini-skirt and a white fishnet top, which is enough to make ya puke. Ross follows behind, but is lured away by a man offering some candy near the outhouse. She enters the ring, but is having major trouble getting through the ropes. She tries to slip through, but gets stuck, and one of the remaining baboons has to push her through with a large stick. She pops into the ring and is thrown a microphone.
Fat Bitch: So, all of these rejects think they can take away my big.....delicious....soothing...Bull's balls, but they got one thing coming to them, and that's me breaking my foot off in their ass. See it takes a REAL man to staisfy me. Most men can go an hour, an hour and a half, but a man has got to put in overtime to get me going baby. That's why no man here in SEW can satisfy me. Besides, while i got 2, big...round...hard bullballs to keep my bed warm at night, I dont need any man....(she begins to walk up and down the ring, looking at the crowd of men who are foaming at the mouth and in straight jackets in the first "row". Slowly, she licks her lips, smudging bright yellow lipstick all over her face. She begins to suck on her index finger and batting her eyes at one of the retards)....Looks like there is a man that could satisfy me after all. But, he will have to wait, cause I got me some official SEW business to take care of while I'm out here showing you all my sexy body. So, first, lets talk about this match against Mr. $ellout at Burning Sensation. Hmm, that name reminds me of when I caught...er never mind. Anyway, I got some stipulations I want set for this match, seeing as how I'm in it, and I got at least 20,000 men watching me on TV, most probably tape it and then play it back in slow motion while they touch themselves in an "impure manner". Back onto the subject, This match will be what I call a "Bitch Slap" match. Simply, to win you gotta rip down your opponents pants, and spank em into submission, think your girly man bullocks can handle that $ellout man? (Fat Bitch exits the ring, struggling to slip under the bottom rope, and having to be kicked out by the other 2 baboons. Shes reaches into the front "row", picking up a retard by the hair and tucking him tightly under her arm, which for some reason has an unusual amount of sweat coming from it. The retard begins foaming at the mouth, and having fits as he is being carried away and he and Fat disappear into the backstage area. **fade 2 commercials**
Commercials: Ab-Annihilator, Promo for Burning Sensation '99, etc etc
Hamster: **returning from BOBO castle** Wow crap, she sure does talk a lot.
Blob: Yeah, damn, she stinks too, anyway, lets get to the main event!
We are taken to a special fight ring, for this next match between Mr. Boots and The Rabbit. Both animals are in place!
Blob: On the left.....MIIIIISTEEERRRRR BOOOOOOOTS!!!!....and on the right......THHHE RAAABIIIIT!
The Rabbit and Boots begin to maul each other, but Boots gets on top, and begins to bat at Rabbit eyes. Rabbit is making...**rabbit noises**, and is squirming about. Just then, some ignorant fan throws a carrot into the ring, and Rabbit turns Popeye on Boots ass, and begins whooping up on the feline. Boots is on all 4 paws, dazed, and the rabbit charges, and headbutts Boots!
Hamster: Can you believe this!
Ross runs down (naughty magazine rolled up in his back pocket), with a deadly fruity type of candy, we will call them Kittles. Ross gets to the animal combat ring, and throws these KITTLES into Rabbits eyes, blinding him! Mr. Boots comes up behind rabbit, and somehow gets Rabbit in a Full Nelson. Rabbit has no choice, and somehow taps out immediately!
Hamster: That Ross is heinous! You should go absorb him! The Rabbit was just taking control too.
Ross runs and hides behind a tree, and egads, some weird moaning noises are now being heard from around the tree.
Blob: I aint absorbing him....ick..no way. He sounds like he is oozing himself now.
For some reason, Unorthodoxo has run down to help The Rabbit, but Fat Bitch gets in his way, and they begin to fight. Ross comes from behind the tree, and smacks the buhjeezus out of Unorthodoxo with that now disgustingly soaked magazine. Fat B. is playing with the ref
Hamster: We are out of time! Why is Fat Bitch doing this! We'll see you at BS'99! **fade 2 black**
© 2004 BOB!
1999 Special Ed Wrestling