<-Insert Name Here->
<-Insert Funny Line Here->
[<-Insert Name Here-> opens with a video montage from the three previous Tornado Thursday Nights. We witness The Green Mosheen and The Masked Marauder in an awesome Lobster Tank Match. We see Jack Flounder eke out a win over El Gigolante. And of course, the infamous first blood buffet match.]
"Sellout" Sammy Smith: And we're live from Madison Square Garden for the Whatever Wrestling Federation's first ever Pay Per View extravaganza!! We've got quite a card tonight Scotty, with all of the titles up for grabs for the very first time.
Scotty Whatbody: You're right, Sammy. If you ask me, this is gonna be one helluva Pay Per View. And I am personally looking forward to seeing The Green Mosheen whip The Rick all over this place. The Mosheen may be one evil sucker, but I like him a lot.
SSS: Well, without any further ado, let's bring out the first match.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to <-Insert Name Here->. We have a great card for you. First, coming down the aisle, accompanied by Rabbai Harry Long....here is "Infuego" Ishmail Gookinballs.
[Gookinballs makes his way into the ring and prepares himself in the corner.]
Bubba: And his opponent, escorted to the ring by Grampa and Pikachu...Mittens!!
["Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart plays as Mittens makes his way to the ring.]
SSS: And here we go with our first ppv match ever. Mittens and Gookinballs lock up. And Mittens throws him into the corner like he is a rag doll.
SW: If you ask me, he shouldn't try to match strength with the huge Mittens. He should try to finesse him.
SSS: Very enlightening Scotty. It looks like he is taking your advice as he puts the behemoth on the mat with a drop toehold and is now stretching him out with a STF variation. \
SW: That's gotta hurt. But look! Mittens just powered out of it like it was nothing. What a monster!!
SSS: And now Mittens has him in a bearhug. He's squeezing the life outta Gookinballs.
SW: SuperRef is checking him. He raises his arm once...it drops. Twice....it drops. Thrice......he's got it up!!
SSS: WOW!!! But Mittens puts an end to that upsurge real quick with a devastating sidewalk slam. The pickup by Mittens into an airplane spin. And down to the canvas. It looks like he's calling for his finisher.
SW: Oh, and the Rabbai Harry Long is up on the apron. Why is he doing that?
SSS: And now Grampa gets SuperRef's attention. What is Pikachu doing? OH MY GOD!!! He just hit the Thunder Shock on the Rabbai. He's not gonna get up from that.
SW: And during all of the commotion, Mittens was able to slap The Glove on Gookinballs.
SSS: SuperRef notices what is going on in the ring. He checks Gookinballs. He is screaming for release. This one is over folks.
Bubba: Here is your winner....MITTENS!!!
SSS: Now that was an exciting way to open up our first pay per view, doncha think Scotty?
SW: I'll say. Grampa's boys got 'em so bad that the paramedics are having to help Gookinballs AND Rabbai Harry Long to the back.
SSS: Yeah, it looks like Mittens and Pikachu are going to be a force to be reckoned with here in the WWF.
SW: You ain't lyin'.
SSS: I know I'm not. Now let's go to the ring for our introductions for the next match.
Bubba: Our next match is a grudge match. All the way from Angola, here is Kindike Mutabwe.
[Tribal chants play over the speakers as Mutabwe makes his way to the ring.]
Bubba: And his opponent, from Los Angeles, California..."Uqually" Bob Jackson!!
["I Wish I Were a Little Bit Taller" by Muggsy Bogues plays over the speakers. Jackson moonwalks his way down the aisle. He grabs his crotch then throws his sequined glove into the crowd. Amazingly enough, everybody in the general area scatters as if the glove were diseased.]
SSS: Well, here we go with another great matchup between two top notch competitors.
SW: Yeah right.
SSS: Mutabwe goes right after Jackson. He hits him with a right cross. That had to hurt. Now he has Jackson in an arm wringer. Ouch!!
SW: Now that's what I call a technical move. A punch. Pffffftttt!!!
SSS: Now Mutabwe has him up for a bodyslam and down goes Jackson. He picks him back up and puts him in a side headlock.
[Many minutes pass.]
SSS: And now Mutabwe lets go out of sheer boredom. He slaps Jackson a few times for humiliation and goes over to the ropes to jaw at the crowd.
SW: He's making a mistake by giving Jackson time to recover.
SSS: Jackson taps him on the shoulder. Mutabwe turns around. Boot to the gut by Jackson. STUNNER!! STUNNER!!! Wait, none of that just happened. Somehow we got looped over to Hartford, Conn. Here at the Garden, Jackson rolled him up from behind for the three count. Sorry all you loyal fans missed it.
SW: They probably would have rather seen the other anyways.
SSS: Shut up Scotty.
SW: Well fine then Mr. Don't Say Anything Because I Am The Play By Play Guy.
SSS: Quit yer whinin' and lets get on with this. Lets go back to the ring for the next match.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, <-Insert Name Here-> continues as we have our first title match of the evening. Introducing first, from somewhere in Mexico...we think...here is EL JABRONIE LOCO!!!
[El Jabronie Loco sprints to the ring and begins cutting flips, somersaults and various other dangerous moves inside the ring.]
Bubba: And his opponent, weighing in at 203 pounds, ATOM BOMB!!!!
[Atom Bomb makes his way to the ring.]
SW: Well, isn't this going to be a wonderful matchup!
SSS: Why yes, Scotty, it is. I'm glad you've come around.
SW: I was being sarcastic you dolt.
SSS: Hey, if you don't like it, you can leave the booth and not collect a paycheck for all I care. Just because you don't like the lighter guys doesn't mean you have to make fun of them.
SW: Yes it does.
SSS: Anyways, after all of that, I'm sure we've missed all sorts of high flying aerial moves.
SW: I doubt it. Supey is still checkin' their gear for foreign objects.
SSS: Oh. Well, here we go. Bomb starts this one out with a flying headscissors. Now a hurricanrana from Atom Bomb. He's really taking it to El Jabronie Loco.
SW: C'mon Atom, finish him off.
SSS: Now Atom Bomb with a cobra clutch on the smaller luchadore. It looks like Loco's legs are weakening. Whoa!! Jawbreaker from Loco.
SW: Didn't see that one comin'.
SSS: Watch yourself Scotty. Now Bomb has regained control. He whips Loco into the ropes. HUGE backbody drop. The pickup by Bomb into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Atom Bomb is really taking it to the Loco luchadore.
SW: You said it. I think Atom Bomb smells blood. He wants the gold bad.
SSS: I'm sure he does. Sunset flip attempt by Atom Bomb. Jabronie Loco rolls it over into a pinning combination. Now, Bomb has reversed it. No!! Loco reverses it back. Finally, Bomb kicks out to end the pinning threats.
SW: Wow. I've never seen THAT before.
SSS: If you don't wanna be here Scotty, just leave. Oh my goodness! El Jabronie Loco just came out of nowhere and hit Atom Bomb with a Loco Driver. This may be over. Loco is pulling him over near the corner. He is signaling to the crowd as he climbs the ropes. Will our fans at home get to witness his finisher this time?
[Screen snows out and opens back to somebody named Queen Debbie showing off with her Big Boys. Screen then goes back to MSG.]
SW: Good Lord!! I can't believe he is willing to risk his body like that. Folks, I hope you are recording this at home, because that move that Loco just pulled off may never be witnessed again.
SSS: WOW!! I'm amazed at Loco's athletic ability. That 720 degree corkscrew plancha moonsault is so graceful...so inspiring. I'm not sure he will ever be able to land it again. Let's go to Bubba for the announcement.
Bubba: Here is your winner....and FIRST EVER Whatever Wrestling Federation Calorically Challenged Champion, EL JABRONIE LOCO!!!
[El Jabronie Loco wraps the belt around his waist and reaches under the ring. He pulls out a huge bag full of breakfast burritos and throws them into the crowd.]
SSS: Now that was a great match. Next we have a match for the WWF Push Impaired Title.
SW: Yeah, I can't say the last time I was so excited after a match.
SSS: Don't toy with me Scotty.
SW: HEY!!! I don't swing that way buddy!!
SSS: Let's go to Bubba for our ring introductions for the Push Impaired Title.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, <-Insert Name Here-> continues with a one fall match with a twenty minute time limit for the WWF Push Impaired Title. Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, you know him, you love him. Here.....is.......PIGEON!!!
[Pigeon's theme begins to play. He is carrying a model of the ringed planet under his arm. He rolls under the bottom rope and lays the planet in the corner under the bottom turnbuckle.]
Bubba: And his opponent. Weighing in at 200 pounds even....JOHNSTON POWERS!!!!
[Powers emerges from the curtain. He trips over an extension cord at the bottom of the ramp and rolls the rest of the way to the ring. He picks himself up and dusts himself off. He climbs the metal steps and into the ring. He goes to the center of the ring and asks for the microphone from Bubba.]
JP: Helloooo Madison Square Garden!!!
[Crowd yawns collectively.]
JP: Now Pigeon. Everybody here in the WWF knows that I'm the best of the worst, so I'm gonna turn around and give you 11 seconds to get you and Uranus the hell outta here before I kick off in your ass and take that belt!
[Johnston Powers hands the mic back to Bubba and turns around and begins counting to eleven. At seven, Pigeon picks up his model of the ringed planet and waffles Powers in the back of the head with it.]
SW: Gee, you'd think he'd know better than to turn his back on somebody with a planet model in their corner. Sheesh!!
SSS: Yeah, tell me about it. And now Pigeon is really hammering away at the back of Powers with closed fists. A pickup into the vertical suplex position by Pigeon. And down hard to the canvas.
SW: Wow! Pigeon is really dishin' out a beatin' to Johnston Powers. Hey! Wait a minute! Does the winner get the belt? Or does the loser?
SSS: That's a real good question Scotty. I really don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Pigeon has Powers in a hammerlock now. And Powers is screaming for him to let go.
SW: I'm really impressed with Pigeon. He is actually showing some skill here.
SSS: Well, I don't think its going to last long because Powers just reversed the hold. And into a pump handle slam. And Pigeon is just lying there with his tongue hanging out.
SW: That's sickening to see. I can't believe one weak little slam had such an impact on Pigeon.
SSS: Well, it had a pretty big impact on Powers too. He is over in the corner wheezing like crazy now.
SW: You'd think they'd be in better shape for a pay-per-view extravaganza of this magnitude. Oh GOD NO!!!
SSS: What's the matter?
SW: I'm beginning to sound like *gasp* YOU!!!
SSS: Gee thanks Scotty. That means a lot to me.
SW: Any time buddy.
SSS: Um, yeah. Pigeon back up on his feet now. He goes over to the corner and sets Powers on the top turnbuckle. OH MY GOD!!! A belly to belly suplex off the top rope by Pigeon. What's this? Pigeon is signaling to the crowd.
SW: Why is he doing that? He's never used a finisher before.
SSS: That's because he's never beaten anybody up this badly before.
SSS: Pigeon sets him up and a DDT devastates the neck of Johnston Powers. He may not get up from that. The cover by Pigeon. 1....2....kickout by Powers.
SW: I didn't think he had it in 'im to kick out like that.
SSS: Powers is up and he looks mad. Oh my! Out of nowhere, J.P. hits Pigeon with Da Zippa.
SW: C'mon Sammy. Its just a kick to the nutz. Its not like its the Sharpshooter or anything.
SSS: And ironically now, Johnston Powers is applying the Sharpshooter to Pigeon.
SW: I don't think Pigeon will get outta that one.
[DING!! DING!! SuperRef calls for the bell.]
SSS: What is going on here? He rang the bell for no apparent reason. Wait, SuperRef is asking for a mic. Let's see what he has to say.
SR: Ladies and gentlemen, the twenty minute time limit has expired. I have no clue as to what we do now.
SW: What an odd turn of events.
["Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen blasts over the house speakers as The BOSS makes his way to the ring. He hops up on the apron and steps through the ropes.]
BOSS: First of all, I'd like to give congratulations to both of these men. They have put on an outstanding performance for all of the fans of the Whatever Wrestling Federation. But I guess now its time to render a decision as to who gets this hunk of gold I hold in my hands. Well, upon review by the executive committee comprised of myself and the Bookerman, we have decided to award the match and title to the wrestler who took the most amount of punishment timewise. Therefore, we ran a stopwatch and by our calculations, Pigeon took punishment for a total of 5 minutes, 45 seconds and Johnston Powers received a beatdown for a total of 14 minutes, 15 seconds. Therefore, I hereby declare that your winner and first ever WWF Push Impaired Champion is....JOHNSTON POWERS!!!!
[Powers begins dancing all over the ring and screams something about going to Disneyland. Pigeon gets up and takes the mic as The BOSS and Powers leave to the back.]
Pigeon: What about me? What about Pigeon? This isn't over yet Powers. That belt was meant for me, and by golly, I will have it. Now, I'm going home.
[Pigeon picks up his model of the ringed planet and exits to the back.]
SSS: Wow! What a match! Our second title of the night has been decided. And we have lots more action for you folks here tonight.
SW: Yeah, I'm actually kinda interested in seeing how this four way tag team ladder match turns out.
SSS: And don't forget the Calvinball match set for the main event. That one should be a dandy. Now let's go to Bubba for our introductions for the "You Gotta Be Crazy, I Ain't Doin' That" Title match.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is scheduled for one fall with no time limit. It is for the Whatever Wrestling Federation "You Gotta Be Crazy, I Ain't Doin' That" Title. Introducing first, the man who considers himself the most electrical? Is that right? The most electrical entertainer in the history of our sport. Ladies and gentlemen, THE RICK!!!
[The Rick's Theme plays as the Rick makes his way to the squared circle. Oh his way, he slips and falls on a greasy spot on the floor. He picks himself up and slinks the rest of the way to the ring in humiliation.]
Bubba: And his opponent....he hails from the Lobster Tank. Weighing in at 275 and some odd pounds of pure mussel, here is THE GREEN MOSHEEN!!
["Under the Sea" from "The Little Mermaid" soundtrack plays as The Green Mosheen waddles his way out to the ring. He is dragging a lobster behind him on a leash.]
SSS: Okay, we're all set for this matchup now. The Rick has the attitude to go a long way here in the WWF.
SW: Maybe so, but The Green Mosheen is a crafty veteran. He has seen a great deal of action not only in the squared circle, but in various underwater shoot fights.
SSS: Okay, here we go with a collar and elbow tieup from the two men. And The Rick takes an early advantage by turning it into a hammerlock. The Mosheen looking for a way out. And he finds it in the form of an elbow to The Rick's jaw. That's gotta hurt!
SW: Get him Mosheen!!! Tear him to pieces.
SSS: Well, we're being neutral aren't we? Now The Green Mosheen whips him into the far corner. And he charges in for an avalanche and is met by The Rick's boot.
SW: Nooo!!! Get up Green Mosheen!!!
SSS: Now The Rick is really putting the boots to him. The Rick is being relentless. And now a pickup into a huge brain buster. I don't know if the Green Mosheen can get up from that or not. He won't have a choice because The Rick is climbing the top turnbuckle. And he comes off across the Mosheen's throat with a guillotine leg drop.
SW: I can't believe this. And after the Mosheen did so well against the legendary Masked Marauder in the Lobster Tank Match. Get up Green One!!!
SSS: The Rick whips him into the ropes and catches him on the return in a sleeperhold. This may be it for the Mosheen.
SW: C'mon Mosheen. You can do it....you better!! I got my last ten bucks ridin' on you.
SSS: And the Green Mosheen with a jawbreaker to escape the hold. And a rake to the eyes by The Rick. That has got to be blinding. Now a pickup into a bodyslam by The Rick. He's pointing to the ropes. He takes off and bounces into one set...and he attempts to leap over the fallen body of the Mosheen, but instead trips and falls flat on his face.
SW: He's comin' back now. He's gonna win this one..I can feel it.
SSS: The Mosheen ravages The Rick's chest with a series of brutal knife edge chops. He backs The Rick into the corner and sets him up on the turnbuckle. He's climbs up on him and begins to punch at his forehead. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10
SW: OH NO!!! He's gonna bust the Green Mosheen open. He's a free bleeder ya know.
SSS: You're right for a change Scotty. The Rick just climbed down from the turnbuckle, and now blood is all over the place. What's this? The Rick is posing for the crowd now, and they are loving every minute of it.
SW: This Rick guy isn't so bad after all. I knew he was gonna beat up on the Mosheen all along.
SSS: You are such a bootlick! Uh oh! The Mosheen looks really mad. He can barely see through all the blood, but he is sneaking up behind The Rick. He taps The Rick on the shoulder. The Rick turns around and is met by The Mule Kick right between the legs. And The Rick crumples in a not-so-manly heap on the mat. He is crying like a girl and holding his crotch. And what is the Green Mosheen doing? He's signaling for something. He pulls The Rick to the center of the ring. He gives the crowd a "bang bang" signal with his fingers not unlike <-name withheld->. OH MY GOD!!! Did you just see that? A standing moonsault by The Green Mosheen onto The Rick's, um, limp body.
SW: How The Mosheen ever got that fat ass over his head is beyond me? I can't believe it.
SSS: He goes for the pin. 1...2.......3!!!
SW: I knew he could do it!!! I said it all along.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner and neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww WWF "You Gotta Be Crazy, I Ain't Doin' That" Champion, the GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN MOSHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!
["Under the Sea" begins to play and The Green Mosheen asks for a mic.]
Mosheen: Cut the music! Now, a lot of you are probably thinking, "Mosheen, what the hell kinda move was that you executed. Well, its like this. I know the Mule Kick is a helluva finisher, and nobody can get up from it. BUT, I knew I needed something spectacular to become the first ever WWF YGBCIADT Champ...so I came up with the Whatever...a standing moonsault. And Scotty, I heard what you said about me getting my ass over my head. I'll get you, you sorry rascal. I only have one more thing to say....WHATEVER!!!
SSS: Well, now that was one heck of a wrestling display. Who'd a thunk that the Mosheen would be able to pull a win outta his wazoo like that?
SW: Me! I knew it all along.
SSS: Yeah, whatever you say Scotty. Well, we've got the magic three left. The three prestigious titles will be up for grabs in the next few matches. First, we will have Birdboy squaring off against El Gigolante. What do you think about that one Scotty?
SW: Well, Birdboy claims to be the second best there is, was, and ever will be. But, he is grossly outsized by the Handsome One himself. If Birdboy is going to win, he will have to use his lightning like quickness and wear down the big man, which is a tall order. I have no favorites in this one, so we'll just have to wait and see.
SSS: The next match will then be the four way ladder match for the WWF Tag Team Titles. How about that one Scotty?
SW: I have absolutely no clue as to how they are even gonna wrestle this one much less who is going to win. The Anthropomovers seem to have a good team chemistry going between them, but I think Computer Virus is hungry for some gold. And let's not forget The Garbage Collectors. They haven't wrestled much here in the Whatever Wrestling Federation, but they are one tough duo. You can't afford to go soft when you live on the mean streets of Chesnee for most of your life. Then we have the Preschoolers. They are a little untested here in the WWF, but with a little more experience, who knows to what levels they can soar.
<-Insert Name Here-> Continues-But you're not gonna see it due to 'technical difficulties.' When you bought this, weren't you wondering why it was so cheap??
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation