The STWF Presents..
IN YOUR FACE: UNPROMOTED.
(We pan the interior of the Generic Dome. The crowd numbers about 50 people, comprising 12 staff, 2 popcorn salesmen, and 35 people who were waiting for the crowd to disperse from the preceding "Own Your Own 'Tacos-On-Wheels' Franchise" meeting. Loud, ESPN-y X-Games type music is blaring over the speakers. One of the pyro guys sets of a single roman candle. Ahhh.. the STWF at its finest.)
Angus "Vince" McMadden: Welcome everyone to In your Face: Unpromoted. I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me, Captain Twilight and Jamal.. hey, where is Jamal anyway?
Captain Twilight: Did we even tell him this was on?
AVM: Oh well, I'm sure he'll find out eventually. Well this should be a spectacular night.. probably. We've got all sorts of matches tonight.. I think..
CT: They're probably taking this "Unpromoted" thing too far. I don't even have a rundown of the card.
AVM: Me either. Let's just go straight to Announcer Lad for the first match.
Announcer Lad: Our opening contest is scheduled for one fall. I assume. I don't even have my cards ready. Vic, help me out here.
(The reworked "Mulder and Scully" by Catatonia plays.)
AL: Thank you. Making their way to the ring, from Parts Classified.. THE AGENCY!
(Vic does a nice crossfade into an archaic advertising jingle.)
AL: And their opponents.. SMOOTH AND CRUNCHY!!
AVM: Well this should be an interesting contest.
CT: To say the least. Sculder seems a little preoccupied with Mr. Planters at the moment. Does he realize it's an Englishman in a costume, not a giant sentient peanut?
AVM: Who knows. And now Mully seems interested in Sister Deloris. That might improve our ratings a little. But anyway, it's Petey to start things off against Mully. Collar-and-elbow tie up into a hammerlock by Petey. Reversal by Mully and she slaps on a reverse chinlock.
CT: Well things are off to their usual scintillating start. Mully breaks the hold as she sees some of the fans starting to leave already. Whips Petey to the ropes. Petey ducks under an elbow, and levels Mully with a bodyblock. Picks her.. him.. picks Mully up and delivers a bodyslam.. tag to Mr. Planters.
AVM: The former manager in now, delivering some kicks to the midsection. Whips Mully to the buckle. Tag to Petey.. big clothesline.. tag to Mr. Planters.. backbreaker.. tag to Sister Deloris?
CT: Is that legal?
AVM: Ref's allowing it. Mully and Deloris going at it now.. Sculder climbs into the ring to help his partner, but he gets tangled in the ropes. Now he's got his foot caught in the turnbuckles. Finally gets clear. The Agents try a double team move on Deloris. Flying body press by Sculder nails.. Mully?
CT: He's gotta work on his accuracy..
AVM: Deloris tags Petey.. he slaps the Half-Shell on Mully. Sculder goes to break it up.. wait, what's he doing?
CT: I think he spotted the Creepy Timekeeper. Sculder slides out of the ring and starts taking photos of old Creepy.
Sculder: Mully, you gotta see this.. no way can it be human..
Creepy Timekeeper: Eeeeh.. Flattery will get you nowhere, son..
AVM: Mully has to tap out.. This ones over!
AL: Here are your winners.. SMOOTH AND CRUNCHY!!
AVM: Well, that was really... something. Let's go to some commercials.
COMING SOON! The off-Broadway musical based on the life of that happy-go lucky serial killer and cannibal., Jeffery Dahmer! It's SAVE ME A THIGH, JEFF!
Starring Hal Klugman as Jeff, Kent Throbmorton as Dr. Bill, and Fran Osteopath as the Love Interest.
With some wonderful new songs by Tim Maize and Andrew Long-English-Name!
"Someone's In the Kitchen Cooking Dinah!"
"Is That a Sharpened Toothbrush In Your Pocket or Are you Just Happy to See Me?"
Murder, Mayhem and Meatloaf! Book your tickets TODAY!
AVM: Well, we're back. And our next contest should make up for that last advertisement. Over to you, Announcer Lad.
AL: The following Super-Hard Core-Really-Big-Cage Match is set for one fall! Introducing first, from Jackson, Tennessee, the King of Hard-core, DOCTOR SNARRRRE!!
(Snare enters to "Paranoid", by Black Sabbath. Little pop, but with a crowd of 35, what were you expecting?)
AL: And his opponent, accompanied by Deviance, The Crown Prince of Soft-core.. 'SOFT-CORE' ZACCCCK!
(Zack makes his entrance pushing the Dumpster of Doom. Which is strange because it's not Ricky Johnson's. Pretty good pop, but it's probably for Deviance.)
AVM: Well the ring crew's done a great job constructing this huge Aluminum-plywood-and-sandpaper cage. Eight tables are set up around the ring, so we should get a fair bit of breakage if we're lucky. Zacks up on the turnbuckle waving his wiffle bat, trying to spark up the crowd..
CT: Some hope.
AVM: Snare meanwhile takes off his coat to reveal...a DVD of "Ishtar" taped to his chest?\
CT: Well when you're going to bring a bomb to ringside, at least make sure it's a big one, I guess.
AVM: Snare races over as the
AVM: and back suplexes Zack off the turnbuckle. Snare up quickly and drops a leg on his prone opponent. Zack's in trouble early.
CT: Too true, Vince. He looks way out of his league here. Snare scoops Zack up and heaves him unceremoniously over the top rope..
AVM: One down, seven to go.. Zack claws his way out of the table only to receive a diving plancha from Snare, driving him back into the cage wall. Snare looking for a weapon under the ring now. He finds a broom.
CT: Too clichéd.
AVM: Snare tosses it aside and grabs.. a rosewood chess board.. he smashes Zack over the head with it! Zack reels back against the Dumpster of Doom, which Deviance has managed to squeeze inside the cage door.
CT: How convenient...
AVM: Zack grabs a can of Silly String.. he drives Snare back with it.. Deviance tosses Zack a cardboard box full of ping-pong balls. And Snare takes it right over the head!
CT: Well that was more spectacular than damaging.. Zack slips on the table tennis balls. Snare seizes the advantage and drills Zack with a DDT. Slingshot coming up..
AVM: Oooh! Right into the sandpaper-covered bars of the cage. That's gotta smart! Snare dragging Zack back into the ring now.. Suplex... jawbreaker. Snare in total control now..
CT: Deviance is rummaging in the dumpster for something to aid her man now. Snare powerslams Zack.. cover 1..2..
AVM: Kickout by Zack!! He may be getting beaten to a bloody pulp, but he's still got some fight left in him! Big headbutt sends Zack back to the canvas. Snare climbing the ropes now as Zack staggers to his feet.. Wait, Deviance has found something!
CT: Good Lord!! It's the NERF(TM) Bazooka!! The most lethal weapon in the entire NERF(TM) Armory!!
AVM: Zack catches it and fires! The super-soft foam-rubber ball beans Snare.. Snare loses his balance! He falls from the top rope!!
CT: Scratch another table...
AVM: Zack covers.. 1..2... kickout by Snare!! Unbelievable!! The two men brawling outside the ring now, slamming each other into the bars on a regular basis. Up to the apron now. Snare scoops up Zack. SNARE SLAM INTO THE DUMPSTER!!. He covers..
AL: Here is your winner... DOCTOR SNARRRRRRRRE!
CT: Well Snare walks away with the victory, but Zack can at least still walk, so he's got consider it a victory of sorts.
AVM: Wait, here comes the Right Hand Man. I wonder what he wants!
RHM: Dr. Snare, I saw your tactics in this match. You were specifically told not to bring a bomb, and here you are with that Ishtar DVD. Seeing as you won the match, I have no other option but to believe it was through illegal use of that bomb. Therefore, I'm hereby SUSPENDING you (pauses for crowd to pop...nothing happens)...I said SUSPENDING you (taped pop. He smiles and proceeds) from the STWF for a whole month! Thus it has been said, thus it shall be done!
CT: Boy, Dr. Snare can't take that well. But it's only a month. He can plan some strategy to grab the North American belt by then.
AVM: Whatever. Well, our next match was supposed to be Pain and Pleasure against Don't Ask, Don't Tell. However, after we considered the ramifications of putting Hungalot and Groper in the same ring, we decided to make it a dark match. Here's some still photographs from that contest.
Ratings galore on this one.. in fact just tell me when it's over..
There's Jean slapping Dick silly with his open fists. How you slap with a fist is beyond me. I don't even want to know.
There's Jean frantically trying to get out of a Ben Dover Full Nelson.
There's Hungalot delivering a flying Butt-drop.
There's Hungalot quickly tagging out after the previous move.
Here's Jean aborting a bodyslam on Groper after realizing where he had to put his right hand to accomplish it...
That's Dick putting a Body-scissors on Jean.
There's the horrified expression that came over Jeans face 10 seconds after the application of the body-scissors.
And that's Jean tapping out.
AL: Your winners, Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
CT: Let's move on, shall we?
AVM: Yes, let's. But first let me say that even though they lost, Pain and Pleasure really should try for a title shot. Maybe if they beg the Geek very hard he'll set up some impossible task to see if they can get those coveted belts from the Immortal Shapes. Let's have another commercial while we wait for the next match.
(A young man walks out onto an empty set, holding a box with a single red light on it. He stands there for two minutes. The light turns green. He falls down.)
Diversity at Tonea's. What the hell?
CT: What the Hell?
AVM: Indeed. Welcome back. Let's recap the semi-dark match since you left. Now, the Mason v0.2 (whatever the hell that means) was hooking it up with ThatGuy and Handy Dandy Rocket Randy Armstrong in a watermelon-eating contest. Now when you get three guys this nuts in the ring eating watermelons, something's bound to happen.
Jamal Tupac Mustafa: Don't I know it.
AVM: I see you finally found a parking spot, Jamal. Anyway, after six refs got blinded by a barrage of seeds, that's when things really got weird. But wait, it's just about ready to end! The original ref is up and appears to be calling for the Python ending! I haven't seen this since '78!!
(An army colonel enters and strides to the ring.)
Colonel: Now this match has gotten far too silly. Silly, silly, silly! I'm stopping it right now. Stop it, do you hear!
ThatGuy: Sure, spoil our fun! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
The Mason: C'mon lads, less go. You'll love this pub on the corner. It's called "Thank God It's Furry".
TV-14. That's it. I'm going home now.
AL: This match has been declared a No-Contest! (Cheers).
AVM: Well the arena is slowly filling up, probably due to the Rennettes handing out free passes.
CT: Are they still under contract?
AVM: Apparently so. Let's go back to Announcer Lad.
AL: Our next match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing something over 450 pounds.. MITTENS THE MANNERLESS!!
(The big man lumbers to the ring, propeller spinning.)
AL: And his opponent.. 'VIOLENT" BEAUREGARD!
(The overgrown schoolboy waddles down to ringside. Boos abound, echoing off the walls.. still not a capacity crowd, obviously.)
AVM: These two behemoths lock up now.. big shove sends Beauregard down to the mat, but he bounces up again. Running Belly-buster. Both men are floored by the impact. Spinning toehold from Mittens.
JTM: Yeah, tha'll work.. not!
AVM: Mittens releases the hold and drops a standing splash! Ref. counts.. one.. kickout at two. Whip to the buckle reversed by Beau. Big Avalanche! Bulldog drills Mittens' head into the mat! The ICCTINACBBIC wannabe showing some skills at least.
CT: Has anyone told him he's 95 pounds over the weight limit for that belt, yet?
JTM: After you, Cap.
AVM: Anyway Mittens just dropped Beau with a tremendous clothesline!! POWERBOMB!! Gut-wrench Suplex! He's going to the top!!
CT: I can't watch!
JTM: I can.. SQUASH HIM LIKE A BUG, BRO!!
AVM: A 457 pound Top-rope splash coming up!! Wham!! He got him!! Ref. counts..1..2..3!! What a win by Mittens! And so quickly! I hope we have some more adverts to show you...
"Violent" Beauregard: That's not fair!! He cheated!! I want a rematch..
AVM: Mittens has had enough! He grabs Beauregard and Powerbombs him through a table!! And again!! And a powerslam on the concrete floor. The ref tries to intervene and gets leveled as well.. dozens of security guards are rushing out, only to be flattened by Mittens!! Powerbombs, Press slams and punches, oh my!
AL: Here is your winner.. MITTENS THE MA.. Mittens, put me down!! Whoa, Baby!!
AVM: Well, there goes Announcer Lad. Looks like I'll have to do the honors for our main event. In any event, I think that "Violent" Beauregard really should start thinking about his match against Big Baby Hubert coming up on the next Monday Nae Trous.
AL: *Ahem*.. This is our Main Event of the evening. Introducing first, from Naples, Italy.. the current North American Champion.. representing the Head Trauma Club.. DR SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!!
(The Doc enters with Nurse Heidi. Good pop for her, zippo for Plants.)
AL: And his opponent, and Challenger...
(The sound of breaking stuff plays. The crowd explodes in the mother of all pops. Pretty good for 120 people..)
CT: Luke Warm leaps from the crowd.. He's in the ring, hammering on Plants.. whips him to the corner. A series of kicks drives the champ down to the canvas. The fans are going nuts!
AVM: Bodyslam by Luke. He leaps onto the turnbuckle and gives the "double-thumbs-up" Plants rises to his feet and receives a reverse DDT! Luke in total control.
(Sudden crowd shot)
AVM: Well that's one way to distract a man...
CT: I can't believe she'd do that.
JTM: Humina humina humina...
AVM: As Heidi readjusts herself, Plants takes control! Back drop.. sidewalk slam.. He turns to the people and gives them the "Medical Eyebrow", whatever that is...
CT: A series of chops on the Texan now.. Fires him to the opposite buckle.. Luke hits chest first! What velocity!!
AVM: Plants delivers a knee to the kidneys as Luke hangs there.. Side Italian Legsweep! Covers.. kickout by Luke.. bodyslam..
CT: Plants to the second turnbuckle.. nails Luke a with vicious forearm. Plants getting booed by the crowd now.. he's getting distracted.. He slides out of the ring and is involved in a heated debate with several ringside plants.. uhh.. fans.
AVM: Luke to his feet now. He scales the ropes and drops a big axehandle to Plants' back! Plants is floored. Luke slams Plants into the steps hands first.. sorry, head first.. well okay, hands first. Jamal, are you still with us?
JTM: Huh? What?
CT: Ignore him Vince, his monitors switched to "The Sports Illuminated's Tiny Little Bikini Issue Special"
AVM: Damn, is that on? No wonder our ratings are so low!
CT: Luke Warm drags Plants back into the ring and side suplexes him.. cover.. kickout at 2.. Luke making "Belt-round-my-waist" motions to the crowd now..
AVM: Wait a minute.. here comes Claude Leroux!! He's weaving his way back to the ring!! What's he doing here?
CT: Remember TSO #1?? Luke prevented Leroux from winning the Title?! Is Claude here to repay the favour?
AVM: Could be.. OHH!!! STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!! Luke covers!!1..2.. Claude's in the ring! WHAM!! He nails Luke with a six-pack of Buds!!
CT: Talk about an aggressive drunk!
AVM: Ref's calling for the bell.. Luke'll win by DQ but he won't get the title.. wait a minute.. Leroux is slapping on a sleeper.. Luke's struggling.. he's going down! I can't believe it!
JTM: And here come the rest o' the Head Trauma Club!
AVM: Everyone getting their shots in on Luke.. Luke is OUT!! And Claude's reaching for his clippers!!
CT: He's going to shave a bald man? I dont get it..
AVM: He's not going for his head.. Claudes trying to focus enough to shave off Luke's Goatee!! I can't believe this.. This is despicable!! And it came far to late to boost our ratings!! But wait, the Hubcap Gang is running to the ring ready to save their colleague. And we're out of time, so I guess you'll have to see on Monday if Luke's beardless or not. Well, for Captain Twilight and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" Mcmadden saying so long everybody!
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre