Brawlers On a Budget > Episodes > In Your Gymnasium 2
House (Show) Of Blues Tour '09
Searchlight, Nevada, June 12
[We fade in to the sound of someone tickling the ivories and are treated to an extreme closeup of a baby grand piano. Soon a horn section joins in and the tune begins to take on a slightly familiar cast. Cut to Harvey the Hardcore Hippo. He's wearing the same grass skirt but this time his bead and shell necklace has been replaced with a shirt collar and a red bow tie. And ... surprisingly enough ... a full head of hair styled in a sweaping pompadore. His right foot is kapping time with the music as he reaches above him to grab a dangling snake and holds it like a microphone.]
Harvey: Welcome to MY Jungle!!
I'm bringing you the pain
I've got just the moves you fear
It will drive you insane.
[As we pan around we see that the Baby Grand is actually a toy piano and the person playing it is likewise a minurature person ... er ... midget. (No Wait, I keep forgetting, we need to be politically correct, it is "Little Person") Anyway, they are currently dressed in a monkey costume. And the horns (Which are probably a recording) are being trumpeted by baby elephants.
Harvey: And when you're flying high you never
Ever want to come down, so down, so down, so downnnnn!
OH OH OH OH YO!
Hippo nearly squeezes the life out of the Snake/Microphone as on a projection screen we see scenes of XXXtreeme's career, the highlights anyway, all of about a minute and thirty seconds worth.
Harvey: You know where you are?
You're in My Jungle Big Sexy!
And you're career is gonna die.
Harvey: In the jungle
Welcome to my Jungle
Watch it bring you to your sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees
Hippo's Gonna make you Bleed!!!
I'm gonna make you BLEED! YEAH!
[Harvey gives us a small salute then casually tosses the snake away. The snake lands among the baby elephants which panic and stapede the camera. (No cameramen were harmed in the making of this promo.)
Cut to Black.
Loss-of-Control Center, Part 1
[Cut to Styles and…some dude wearing a black cloak and vaguely resembling Alan Rickman from the "Harry Potter" movies…in the Brawlers On a Budget Loss-of-Control Center, aka Styles' basement. They are seated at a wood folding tables, with one script. A television behind them features some action from a different wrestling federation.]
Styles: Hello, Brawlers on a Budget fans, and welcome to another edition of In Your Gymnasium. Only one month late! I'm Mikey Styles, along with Mike Hogewarts, who is filling in for the "sick" Scotty Whatbody this morning.
Mike Hogewarts: Thank you….Potter. I…am…Mike Hogewarts….
Styles: (Rolls eyes) My name is Styles, Severus. How did you get this gig?
MH: That is none of your concern, Mikey Styles. Just know that I, Mike Hogewarts, am the greatest color commentator to have ever…lived.
Styles: OK. Well, you heard one of BOB's newest arrivals, Harvey the Hardcore Hippo, address XXXTREME Machine in EXTREME fashion. And what an EXTREME matchup it was between these two in Searchlight, Nevada!
[Cut to a shot of XXXtreme Machine getting pounded by Harvey with punches.]
MH: And here, Harvey, the Hardcore Hippo, or H3, also known to some as Treacherous Hippo Love, and yet to others as Morty Goldberg…drop toe holds XXXtreme Machine. The Hungry, Hungry Hippo (A Reverse Indian Deathlock Leglock with Chinlock and Biting), is locked in. TICKLE MY CROTCH WITH A CHAINSAW, THIS ONE'S OVER!
Styles: WHAT? Oh my GOD! Where did THAT come from?
MH: Greatest color commentator to have ever lived.
Styles: Ah, I get it now. You're parodying that ROH announcer.
MH: I will not tolerate such nonsense, Mikey Styles. Ten points from Styles' basement.
Styles: Awww! I needed those points. We'll be right back.
*In Dimension Z, [Siz Zeno] is seated on a toilet. There is an audible "plop" noise. He stands up.*
[Sir Zeno]: Da Roc? Prepare to face the wrath of...Da Shite! Mighty Narrator, give him voice!
*With mighty flashes of lightning (aka somebody flipping the lights on and off) and a crash of thunder (somebody flushing in another stall), the newest inanimate BOB icon spoke.*
Da Shite: *Gurgle gurgle gurgle*
[Sir Zeno]: Oh, right, it's underwater. Well, luckily I speak Underwaterese. Da Shite said he knows it stinks in here, cuz he's a blob of shit. Seriously? BOB is this desperate for talent that they're booking me? Leary, next time I see you, I'm raping you backside with razors. Now, let's see...should I blow up Kobe's house...The Great's house...SMP's house...none of them have Ranted lately. Such a tough choice. Ah, let's go with Kobe!
*Cut to Kobe's house...*
Loss-of-Control Center, Part 2
[Back to Styles' basement.]
Styles: So that's why Kobe hasn't cut a promo in over a month. Welcome back everyone.
MH: I thought Kobe was in the retirement home when last we saw him?
Styles: Well, he was in Big Trees, Nevada, last week. He's leading 1-0 in the Best of Seven series to crown a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
MH: Oh, come now, Styles. I could beat SMP these days. All I have to do is show up in the Rant Zone and say, "SMP is a barbarian," and fade….to….black….
Styles: Right. Try that out and tell me how it works out for you. Anyway…up next was Da Roc vs. [Sir Zeno].
[Cut to a shot of [Zeno] using a sledgehammer on Da Roc in the aisle.]
Styles: [Zeno] attacked Roc during its entrance, and, well, Roc wasn't able to get to the ring and referee Vicky Jean counted it out. I don't know if we'll ever see Da Roc in a BOB ring ever again, not that we've yet to see it in the Rant Zone.
MH: We may. It will just be known as Da Dirt from now on.
[Hamster Girl has hired a butler for the day. Like a squirrel she managed to hoard away enough money during her AYOOYFM title run to afford Bentley, but only for one day. She is having him pick out sausages for her.]
Bentley: This one?
HG: I want a bigger one than THAT!
[Bentley shuffles the office chair sidewards to the next sausage on the top shelf.]
Bentley: This one?
HG: How long is it?
Bentley: Six inches.
HG: No no no! Keep going!
[Bentley shuffles over again.]
Bentley: This one?
[Hamster Girl crosses her arms over her chest and scowls. Bentley wipes sweat from his brow with handkerchief and shuffles again.]
Bentley: Ok, this one is a good eight inches and it’s a nice and spicy Chorizo.
HG: Umm, toss me that one until you find a better one.
[He throws her the Spanish sausage and she sinks her teeth into it like a pro.]
HG: What’s the biggest one up there?
[Bentley scoots right to the end of the line and holds up a fat ten inch Bratwurst.]
HG: Awesome! I’m getting a tickle in my throat from this spicy thingy, can you pour me a glass of lemonade from the fridge?
Bentley: Certainly madam.
[He hops off the office chair and makes his way to the refrigerator as Hamster Girl tries to fit the entire Bratwurst in her mouth in one go. She looks into the camera, spitting chunks of sausage as she talks.]
HG: Ya know Kurt Angel, you probably think I’m a pushover, right? I’m just a little girl skipping around in a warzone when she should be at home sewing or making men sandwiches. I wear the pants here mister, and men make ME sandwiches! I relish the opportunity to kick your pattuti into next week and prove I deserve another shot at the AYOOYFM title. Kevin’s dead… again… so that title is mine for the taking.
Bentley: Here’s your lemonade ma’am.
HG: Thank you Bentley.
[She goes to take a sip.]
HG: Hey, where’s the silly umbrellas and twizzly straw?
Bentley: I beg your pardon ma’am.
HG: Stupid limey.
Loss-of-Control Center, Part 3
MH: I'm harder than a broomstick now, Mikey Styles.
Styles: TMI, Hogewarts. Up next was a great match between Hamster Girl and Kurt Angel.
[Cut to a shot of Hamster Girl reversing out of the Angel Lock by falling down and sending Angel to the floor; cut to a shot of Angel trying for Angel's Wings, only to get backdropped, but when he lands, he grabs Hamster Girl's ankle for the Angel Lock, but she gets to the rope; cut to a shot of Hamster Girl swinging free of the Angel Slam and hitting the PINK MIST~!]
Styles: Hamster Wheel, the rolling stretch cradle!
MH: SHOOT A HYDROCHLORIC ACID ENEMA UP MY ASS, THIS ONE'S OVER!
Styles: Oh my GOD! You are just disturbing. Well, either you for reading it, or Michelle for writing it.
Michelle (Voice): Fourth wall, Styles!
Styles: *Sigh* What's next?
Tweedledee and Tweedledum
[Open to the sight of curls of steam being chopped up in the air by a ceiling fan. The camera slowly pans down to the source; a dozen or two boxes of Chinese takeaway. Chingachgook is picking wax out of his ear with a chopstick.]
Xing Long: Can you pass the dumplings?
Chingachgook: Close your eyes… I’ll teleport them over with my mind.
[He just throws them at her.]
Jerri Li: You really do have crystal balls.
[Xing opens her eyes and tears into the dumplings like a Hyena.]
Chingachgook: Ok Tweedledee and Tweedledum, you’ve got your first tag team match together tonight against… what were their names? Um, oh yes, Axl and Pigeon.
Jerri: Good, I had a hankering for fried chicken.
Xing: And I’ll have my foot in the door.
Chingachgook: You two numbskulls had better win or you’ll find one of my feet up your ass.
Jerri: Wouldn’t you fall over?
Chingachgook: It would be worth the price of admission.
Jerri: So, Xing, you think you can handle this pro-wrestling stuff?
Xing: I’ll take a stab at it, but it doesn’t seem like it’ll "take guts" to beat… what were their names again?
Jerri: Axl and Pigeon. You don’t need to worry about Pigeon, he’ll just be stood their undressing us both with his eyes.
Xing: Sounds messy.
[Pigeon is crouched in the corner of the high school hallway... a creepy grin spread across his face. He grips a swiss army knife in one hand... a peach in the other. Pigeon uses the knife to remove the peach peel, before sinking his teeth deep into the fruit.]
[Pigeon gulps down the mouthful of peachy goodness... and then turns his eye toward the swiss army knife. He glares at the small blade with a vicious smile.]
Pigeon: Smallish blade, glinting in the light...
Come forth to my wrist with all my might.
Allow me to enjoy the pleasure of pain...
While all others around me deem me insane.
The whipper wills that wallow and sway,
As left meets right and night meets day...
The icy sickle slowly melts away
Beneath a tapestry of Mike Tenay.
Leaving no remorse inside a world of gray.
Quoth the Pigeon... Richard Simmons is gay.
[Pigeon begins to bring the knife to his wrist, when a voice shouts from down the hall...]
Axl: Don't do that Pigeon! You've got your whole life ahead of you! Sure, it may be a crappy, unfulfilling one... but dad gummit, you have a match tonight, teaming with me, and I'll be DAMNED if I allow you to cause us to lose due to a self-inflicted wrist injury!
Pigeon: Trust me, I'm a master at self-mutilation. I could cut myself from head to toe and still be ready for our little rendezvous with my sweetheart and her new pet. Honestly, there's NOTHING that's going to keep me from being that close to the beautiful... wonderful... VOLUPTUOUSLY sadistic Jerri Li. You take care of Zing Wan Jin or whatever... I know EXACTLY what I want to do with Jerri.
Axl: I know you do, but I don't think they'll allow it in a high school gym...
[Axl pats the Swiss Army tile on his shoulder for no particular reason.]
Pigeon: What was that for?
Axl: No particular reason. Regardless, after defeating The So-Called "Great", this title means more to me now than ever before! Yep, what a glorious match that was... roll the footage!
Pigeon: ... You wrote this segment before your match against Great was posted, didn't you.
Axl: Well... yeah. But whichever clip I could have ended up inserting, they'd all show the same basic thing ; me whooping the snot out of that POSER, Great! For I AM... the Swiss Army Champion!
Pigeon: Phff... You may have a Swiss Army Belt, but I've got a Swiss Army KNIFE! Yours can't slice, can't dice... hell, yours doesn't even come with a toothpick attachment!
Axl: But it makes for a nifty mirror, believe me. It's so shiny I can see my face in it! Which is obviously why only I should hold it... No one else is handsome enough to make the image in the faceplate look this damn good!
Pigeon: You sure are a conceited bastard... but I guess one of us has to be. I'm more of a realist. I see things for how they really are. And the truth is, I'm not exactly on a winning streak. If we're going to win tonight, you're going to have to do most of the heavy lifting.
Axl: Oh come on, Pigeon! They're just a couple of girls!
Pigeon: Axl... you remember what Jerri did to you in that Great American Bash Axl's Skull In match. She left you bloody, bruised and broken. She's a deadly, DEADLY woman, Axl. It's why I love her... but it's also why we have a huge challenge ahead of us. Couple that in with the fact that Xing Low is just about as coo coo for cocoa puffs as Jerri, and you don't have "just a couple of girls". You have two psycho bitches hell bent on our destruction! You know I'm going to be too busy yanking my shaft while I stare across the ring at Jerri to actually be of any help to you, so it's going to be up to you bring our team to victory. Scotty's busy, so I'll be the one lending you moral support... in between tugs of my rod that is.
Axl: I don't need to hear about you playing around with your meat stick, I just need you to stand by the turnbuckle. I'll beat down Zang Lang, and then you ass rape Jerri Li into submission! It's brilliant strategery!
Pigeon: Wow. I was counting on you to bring us a win... What in the HELL was I thinking.
Loss-of-Control Center, Part 4
MH: Wonderful. One of your stars threatening to "ass rape" another one of your employees.
Styles: As if Axl even could do anything like that to Jerri. Let's go to the footage.
[Cut to slow-motion footage of Jerri swinging a nunchuck at Axl's face. Blood sprays all over the camera.]
MH: SUPERGLUE A STICK OF DYNAMITE TO MY TAINT AND USE MY TESTICLES AS AN ASHTRAY, THIS ONE'S OVER!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Michelle!
Michelle: (Voice) I'm sorry. Keep rolling!
[Styles looks down at his script.]
Styles: Up next–
I Yam The Show!
[In this world gone mad. Where things are done, and people try to earn a living. Or in the case of BOB's so called employee's, earn a reputation. Though why they don't just go find an independent wrestling company and earn a reputation there, is beyond this humble narrator.]
SSTDY: Well, for starters, people like Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam would be laughed outta the office 'cause of having such a silly gimmick.
[It's not that silly...]
SSTDY: Like HELL! It took you all of two minutes to think up, when you made the application to this company. I mean seriously, a dancing Yam? Of all the bad gags in the world, you have to use that one. I sometimes wonder why I even bother coming out of your mind and do anything on these boards.
[Well, you are my creation, and as such I gotta write something. It's in the Term of Service agreement I signed when I joined the boards...]
SSTDY: Damn it. I still can't believe you forced me to sign a BOB contract.
[Aren't we supposed to be doing a roleplay or something.
SSTDY: I don't feel like it. Maybe next week, when I've gotten over the fact that I'm a two minute fragment of your unproductive imagination. Or lack thereof.
[But what about the show...]
SSTDY: I am the show you lack witted bumble head! I'm going back to your subconscious...
[Fade to black...]
UPCOMING HOUSE SHOW SCHEDULE
June 19: Jackpot, Nevada
June 26: Duckwater, Nevada
July 10: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
July 24: (To Be Announced), New Mexico
Loss-of-Control Center, Part 5
Styles: As a reminder, fans, tonight we'll be in Jackpot, Nevada. But seeing as this show is being posted about a month late, we've already been and gone. Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam defeated Snapmare Kid with relative ease, as should be no surprise to regular BOB viewers. In other action, The Great and XFactor Pete Trable lost to Kid Pirate and Death.
MH: Probably due to not Ranting in the last couple of months.
Styles: And speaking of not Ranting, in the main event, Kobe Gyant shocked the world by going up 2-0 in the Best of Seven Series to crown a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Fans, we are just about out of time. But join us right here again next week for another edition of In Your Gymnasium. Good morning everybody!
Reach out and Touch Someone, Part 4
[Camera up on a dark room. The camera pans on a telephone sitting on a stand in the middle of the room next to a recliner with a fire in the fireplace. The camera catches a cat dialing a long distance number. As the phone rings, the camera changes to a ringing phone on a teacher's desk in a classroom.]
Hot Blonde Teen: Mr. C., are you going to get your phone, or should I handle it for you.
Teacher: I probably should just let it go to voice mail. There are rules that need to be followed in this classroom, and I can't expect you guys to follow the rules if I make exceptions for myself.
Hot Brunette Teen: Mr. C., it's not your girlfriend is it?
Teacher: Don't be silly, I haven't had a girlfriend in years.
[The teen girls breathe a sigh of relief. Phone continues to ring.]
Teacher: I guess I could make an exception this one time.
[He reaches for the phone and picks up.]
Cat: Meow, meow.....meow.
Teacher: I can't believe it's you, after all this time. I'm sorry, but I didn't recognize the number and I'm in the middle of class.
Teacher: No, it's OK. What's the matter?
Hot Blonde Teen: Is everything OK Mr. C.? If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here.
Hot Brunette Teen: If you need a great big hug, I'm here.
Hot Redhead Teen: If you need some one to suck your....
Teacher: Everyone, I'm OK. It's just an old friend I haven't heard from in a long time.
Hot Blonde Teen: An old girlfriend?
Teacher: No, nothing like that.
Hot Brunette Teen: An old boyfriend?!?
Teacher: No, no. I'm straight.
[The teen girls breathe a sigh of relief.]
Teacher: Yeah, I guess not much has changed. So why the call out of nowhere?
Teacher: What?1? Are you serious?!?
Teacher: Wow, I can't believe it. Who else is in?
Teacher: That's it?
Teacher: Oh, so you're going in alphabetic order. I respect that.
Cat: Meow, meow.....
Teacher: He's gonna be a tough sell, what with his movie career and all.
Teacher: I really do like teaching, and the kids really respect me.
Hot Redhead Teen: Mr. C., I want you to put your respect all over my face.
Hot Blonde Teen: Jenn, he doesn't love you like he loves me. Right Mr. C.?
Hot Brunette Teen: Jess, you know that he only tutors you because you are flunking, not because he's in love with you. He loves me and I'm going to have his babies.
Jenn: Abi, you can't have his babies because I'm going to have them....
Jess: I'll kill both of you before you can ever carry the glorious seed of Mr. C.
Teacher: No, it's fine. I don't think they even no my first name. So, I'm definitely in. It's gotta pay more than this.
Abi: See what you bitches did, you scared that gorgeous creature away.
Jess: Bitch, please. You were all over him and scared him away.
Jenn: Shut up you hoes. I'm the only one here who's 18, and I'm the only one that's gonna have him inside me.
Teacher: Yeah, I was getting ready to transfer out of here anyways. I never thought it was a good idea to teach at an all girls school. I catch you in a week?
Teacher: Sounds good, I hope I make it out of here alive.
[The two phones are hung up as the camera cuts back to the cat on the recliner. The cat knows the next number to be dialed by heart. The screen goes dark.]
Caption: To Be Continued...
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