Brawlers On a Budget > Episodes > In Your Gymnasium 7
House (Show) Of Blues Tour '09
Toadlena, New Mexico, July 31
[Fade in on an exhausted Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on his knees in the middle of the ring, while Kobe Gyant is waiting on him on the apron. After SMP pushes himself up, Kobe leaps! Nothing but net? Nope! Nothing but ref! SMP pulls referee Vicky Jean in front of the flying Kobe, who takes her down with a springboard clothesline.]
Styles: Hello BOB fans, and welcome to In Your Gymnasium! I'm Mikey Styles, and fans, all HELL broke loose in Toadlena, New Mexico at BOB's latest house show. As always, I'm joined by Scotty Whatbody.
SW: What a night, Styles. A new champ. Those Nine Guys returned.
Styles: Those Nine Guys?
SW: Well...they haven't announced a stable name. It was either that or the Pussy Patrol with all those cat Rants.
Styles: Pussy Patrol?
SW: Speaking of pussy patrol, Heid's in the ring! Woohoo! I saw panties! OH BABY! THE TOP IS OFF!
Styles: Nurse Heidi just ripped her top off! OH MY GOD!
SW: And now Kobe's doing his best David Carradine impersonation!
SW: Yeah, true, Styles. He isn't dead enough.
[The crowd pops a little (hey, it's a tiny crowd, they can only get so loud) as Michelle runs into the ring.]
Styles: CAT FIGHT! CAAAAAAAAT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
SW: Oh baby! Best match ever!
Styles: Hold on. Why is Steve Leary out here now? The other half of BOB's booking brains must be out here to save his co-booker from getting hurt.
SW: Leary? He'll probably injure himself sliding into the ring. He sucks. Oh, BOOOOO!
Styles: Leary yanking Heidi off Michelle.
SW: By the jugs. Nice one, Leary.
Styles: There's a lawsuit. Hey, did you just see that?
SW: See what?
Styles: Leary just tossed Kobe a chain.
SW: I didn't. But now I see Kobe's got the gold chain. Is Mr. G about to pity a fool?
Styles: SMP grabs Michelle. NIPPLE CUTTER!
SW: Oh man! And Heidi's trick knee just acted up.
Styles: Low blow to Leary. And now SMP is just pummeling the head booker.
SW: I thought Michelle was the "head" booker.
Styles: Easy! She's like a daughter to me.
SW: Well, Styles. your daughter's kinda a blowjob whore.
Styles: Hold on. A fan just jumped in the ring.
SW: What? Oh, he's so dead.
Styles: And he's got a chair?
Styles: He just blasted SMP in the back! OH MY GOD! SMP didn't even FEEL it! KOBE GRABS PLANTS! Down goes Plants from that chain! What are we seeing here, Scotty?
SW: A master plan?
SW: And Kobe giving mouth to mouth to Vicky. With a little bit of hand to breast action as well.
Styles: Kobe's resuscitated Vicky. This "fan" is clearing the ring. Don't win it like this, Kobe! No!
SW: Well, it's not like he was going to Rant his way to victory.
Styles: ONE! TWO! THREE! Damnit!
SW: Why do I have the feeling Heidi won't be announcing Kobe as the winner here.
Styles: Who is that man? This crowd is confused. I'm confused.
SW: Hopefully we'll have some insight back at the Loss-of-Control Center.
Styles: Ya think?
SW: Let's find out!
Loss-Of-Control Center, Part 1
[Fade in on Steve Leary, "the fan" from the opening clip, and Michelle at the usual wood table in Styles' basement.]
Michelle: Hello, BOB viewers. Styles and Scotty couldn't be with us right now.
[Cut to a shot of Styles and Scotty tied to chairs with duct tape over their mouths.]
Michelle: So, who is this man? Let me introduce the world to him. He is the former head booker and promoter for the Xtreme Wrestling League and World Wrestling League. He is the former head booker for Tidal Wave Wrestling, as well as booking in numerous promotions, including the Pinnacle of Insane Wrestling. Say hello to Steve's brother, my boyfriend, and your NEW Acting BigBOSS. John Leary.
John Leary: So this is Brawlers On a Budget? Is this seriously it? You're recording and editing shows in basements? You're running shows in front of less than 100 people? This company hasn't turned a profit in 10 years. Well that's all going to change, starting August 14 in Walla, Walla, Washington.
John Leary: You see...I don't run "comedy" wrestling shows. If I wanted to see a joke of a promotion, I'd just turn on my television every Thursday night at 9 p.m. and tune into Spike. From now on, BOB is running my way. Under my vision. We're going to turn BOB into the type of promotion that gets everybody talking.
John Leary: You want wrestling? You'll GET wrestling. You want hardcore violent entertainment? You'll GET it. You want attitude? We've GOT your fucking attitude. Do you want to experience pure chaos? Do you want a wrestling revolution? It's time. For BOB. To get. Hardcore.
John Leary: So to all our fans in Washington, you will see the first wave of the revolution that will slowly overtake this land, as wrestling fans reawaken and remember WHY they became wrestling fans in the first place. It wasn't to see the same three people fighting over a title for three years straight. It wasn't to see a bunch of fossils putting on snooze-worthy duds of matches. So get your tickets. And prepare yourself. This revolution will not be televised. At least not yet.
John Leary: And I'm sure you're wondering, is this all hype? Is this some stunt? No. I believe in my heart that BOB can be the greatest promotion on this planet if the talented guys were given the ball to run with it. Namely, guys like Kobe Gyant, our NEW ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. So everybody in Walla Walla, Washington, come on out and see us. Buy that ticket. I guarantee you, you will be blown away by what the three of us have in store for BOB, as we head toward our next On-Demand, Final Sin, in September.
John Leary: And everybody on the BOB roster? Show me what you've got as we head toward Walla Walla, Washington in that Rant Zone. Show me that YOU deserve to be the man, or the woman. Show me that you deserve your spot here in BOB, or show me you deserve a better spot.
John Leary: Everything you thought you knew? You didn't. Get ready.
HOUSE SHOW SCHEDULE
August 14, 2009: Walla, Walla, Washington
August 21, 2009: La Push, Washington
August 28, 2009: Zillah, Washington
Putting BOB On Notice
["POP1" by Tomahawk hit the PA system and BookFace emerges from the back. He skips down toward the ring, scowling at everybody in the crowd. Once arriving to the ring, he slips beneath the bottom rope and rises to his feet, mic in hand.]
BOOKFACE: Listen in you dorks... I'm like totally here to put BOB on notice. Steve Leary... Michelle... if you guys weren't so uggo I'd probably like kick your stupid uggo heads in... but I don't want to yuk up my popularity by being seen around you dorkus maximus'... or is the plural, like, maximii?
BOOKFACE: The plural form totally doesn't like... matter. JUST. LIKE. YOU. BOOKERMAN AND BOOKERWOMAN! Not only am I like the totallyest most popularest wrestler on FaceBook but the FACE of the EARTH! Like... losers wanna be just like me... I ignore friend requests like totally all the time coz uggo's only bring down my net cred. And then I'm like updatin' my status to say "10 total uggos tr13d been my frnd but ONOZ! NO FRND 4 U UGGO!" And they like totally go cut their uggo wrists coz they can't be like... my sweet as friends. Chea.
[He turns, pointing to the backstage area.]
BOOKFACE: BOB ROSTER! STEVE LEARY! MICHELLE! YOU GUYS TOTALLY CAN'T BE MY FRIEND! Coz you're all a pack of dork faced uggo's who's mums and dads is brothers and sisters. CHEA! Totally sic burn. I'm here in Toadlena, like totally also known as Michelle. Get i? A toadlena is a girl toad? DUH! Don't you dorks no nuffins? Chea. I'm like totally the smartest AND the popularest. AND YOU CAN'T BE MY FRIEND!
[He looked down to his waist region and made a gesture in the erogenous zones.]
BOOKFACE: I've come tonight to TOTALLY steal a title belt coz like... Leary and Michelle are too dork faced to totally book me. And when you're smart as I is... you do whatcha gots ta do to gets whatcha want. TONIGHT... BookFace gets hisself a title belt to be the Internet's MOST Popular Champion. 10,231,890 friends agree... BookFace is teh cool!
[BookFace drops the microphone and kicks it out of the ring, climbing a turnbuckle as Tomahawk hit the speaker system again.]
Loss-Of-Control Center, Part 2
[Styles and Scotty Whatbody are now in front of the camera. Their mouths are free of tape, but they're still tied to their chairs.]
Voice: You seriously don't have any scissors or a knife down here?
Styles: Apparently not.
SW: Yeah, I pretty much ripped you off.
Styles: You stole my scissors?
SW: Well...I didn't have any at my house!
Styles: Welcome back fans. Though the arrival of John Leary is the biggest news, there was some equally big news, as we saw the return of The Three Guys. The Kent State Krew. Totally Face. Totally Heel. Re-Generation-X. Whatever you want to call them.
[Cut to clips of Hardcore JJ punching XXXtreme Machine mercilessly, Machine's blue hair flying in every direction with each devastating blow. JJ DROP!]
Styles: Hardcore JJ, who won the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS when he was three, is now 10 years old, and still whooping ass. But in this clash of former ONLY WORLD CHAMPIONS THAT MATTER, Hardcore JJ was the victor, to the shock of nobody.
[Cut to Undietaker looking for a tombstone piledriver, but Kurt Angel begins clubbing his leg with forearm shots, leading to the Angel Lock.]
SW: I was really expecting that match to suck, Styles, but whatever drugs Kurt's been on lately are definitely working in his favor!
Styles: Kurt Angel has been on an amazing roll of late.
[Cut to Undietaker pulling himself up, using the ropes while still in the Angel Lock, only to have Angel drop the submission, grab 'Taker for the Angel Slam and pin.]
Styles: Up next, Brandon and Da Sassy Bitch took on newcomers DOA, KUREJI and Tetsuo Chishio.
SW: They are tiny, tiny, Japanese men. But they can fly.
[Cut to Da Sassy Bitch, who is laid out in the middle of the ring. Chishio and KUREJI hit a stereo springboard shooting star presses from opposite sides of the ring!]
SW: I think Bitch let that happen. He likes having small Japanese men fall on him.
Da Sassy Bitch: (Voice) I'M NOT GAY!
SW: Where did that voice come from?
[Cut to Brandon hitting the Kent State Plunge (a diving roll off the top turnbuckle into a clothesline) on KUREJI. Cut to Da Sassy Bitch hitting a full nelson slam on Chishio.]
Styles: This was an amazing high-flying affair, but in the end—
SW: That's Da Sassy Bitch's favorite part!
Da Sassy Bitch: (Voice) I'M NOT GAY!
Styles: Brandon and Da Sassy Bitch prevailed. Up next, Kid Pirate took on "XFactor" Pete Trable. Any thoughts on this one, Scotty?
SW: Pirate rap. 'Nuff said.
[Cut to Kid Pirate.]
KP: Arr, ye be cruisin' troo me hood
Y'arr always up to nay good
I be th' dog wit th' mean scurvy rhymes
Comin' at ye from colonial times
Ye be talkin' like ye somethin'
but ye canna step t' this
If yer lookin' at me booty
yer gonna get me fist
I've got da English on me, so ye think I be ou' me luck
but me ship's stripped and gunned so I dasn't give a...
Styles: And how did Trable respond?
Styles: A microphone to the face.
SW: That sick wigger tried to skullfuck Kid Pirate's eyesocket with the microphone!
Styles: Oh, he did not! Trable may have lost the rap battle, but he hit the CD, and got the win. Up next, former tag team champions Jean Bannister and Sir Hungalot, better known as Pain & Pleasure, made their return. And we weren't expecting Cyborg Angelina X to answer the open challenge.
SW: I'm sure Hungalot wanted Angelina to star in his latest straight-to-DVD release, "Horny People."
[Cut to Hungalot hitting a leaping third-leg lariat on Angelina. Cut to Bannister putting Angelina's shirt over her head hockey style for an advantage (with bonus titillation).]
SW: Look at those giant fake titties! Woohoo!
Styles: Things were looking bad for Angelina. Until PIGEON ran out to the shock of the crowd. Of course, after he tagged in, Bannister caught him with the Slap Shot facebuster, only to be followed up by the Money Shot top rope splash by Hungalot.
SW: And he wonders why chicks, even cyborg chicks, won't sleep with him. What a loser.
Hamster Girl Challenges Violent Pacifist!
[Hamster Girl is in the suite bathroom adjacent to her Donald Duck furnished bedroom. She wasn’t sure why Clive was hanging around in her bedroom as she woke up, but she decided an early morning rant could be a good idea. She is stood in front of the mirror, brushing her teeth after Clive read out the next House Show’s card. She turns to the camera, her mouth full of sticky white paste.]
HG: So they want a challenge, huh? Oh, I’ll give ‘em one!
[She spits the toothpaste into the sink and wipes her lips on a Spongebob hand towel.]
HG: I’m tough! I’m hardcore! I can take it to the extreme! So ya know what? Violent Pacifist, I’m coming after you!
[She closes her eyes and pats herself on the chest.]
HG: It’ll be an easy win for me. My motto is ‘the taller they are, the harder they fall.’ And oh boy you better believe I’m gonna chop Violent Pacifist down like a redwood tree. I’ll roll your big stupid booty up in the Hamster Wheel so fast you wont know what hit you, and WHAM, 1, 2, 3, Hamster Girl wins!
[She opens up her My Little Pony brand My First Makeup Kit.]
HG: But I gotta look pretty doing it.
[She rubs on cherry flavored lipstick generously.]
HG: Now get out of here, Clive! This is the little girl’s room, no boys allowed!
Loss-Of-Control Center, Part 3
Styles: Strong words from Hamster Girl. Would she be able to defeat the former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS?
SW: Spoiler warning: hell no.
[Cut to Violent Pacifist hitting the Nine Inch Nailer (top rope piledriver) on Hamster Girl.]
Styles: VP picks up the big win. Up next, Jim and Massive Man Rendition First were looking for the sweep. But they came up against an unexpected pairing.
SW: Who went over the Rant limit!
Styles: Let's go look at the exchange between Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam and Bookface that made this a tag team match to remember!
Yam In Yo' 'Face
[Camera pans in and we see a man standing before the camera. Well... some what of a man... he's wearing a strange type of lucha mask. It looks as though he has a book lodged into his forehead and out the other side of his head. "Blood" runs down both sides of the book, down his face. Blood red make-up continues the running blood down his chest. He wears white full leg trunks with navy blue wrestling briefs over the top. A pair of navy blue knee high boots merge into a pair of navy blue kneepads. He also wears blue elbow pads as well. Written up the thigh of his trunks says "BookFace" in navy blue writing. He stands before the camera, possibly scowling beneath that oddity of a mask.]
BOOKFACE: Like... listen in totally to me or I'll like... totally change my status to "u r ghey i totally saw u wif nutha dude makin OUT!!1!~! P.S. lezbos r00lz" And you'll like totally have all your dumb friends sayin "Is you gay, hommes?" And you'll be like "BookFace says it's true so it must be chea?" So mute your mouthes or I'll totally delete our friendship.
[BookFace shook a fist in the direction of the camera.]
BOOKFACE: Now like... I might not be totally booked at the house show, which like... totally sucks balls, chea? And I'm all like "If these gheys don't wanna book me I'll make a FaceBook group called "Steve Leary feltches Michelle" and say like... if my totally awesome group totally gets 100,000 members I'll post a video of him doing it on YouTube. To the sound of the baby elephant walk." Chea. That is like... totally the best sweetest revenge EVVVAAAAAAAAAAAA! Chea? Totally sweet as.
[BookFace pointed down the barrel of the camera.]
BOOKFACE: You think this'll like... totally bum me out, girlfriend? nnnnnNuh-uh! I don't get bummed by bogus uggo's like Leary and Michelle. BookFace is gunna like BE in Toadlena and he's gunna like TOTALLY take a title belt. I'll like so totally steal the crap out of a title belt coz I'm totally awesomer than any of you and your uggo friends.
[He testified to himself with a nod.]
BOOKFACE: So Leary and Michelle better like... open your uggo eyes coz I'm gunna be a champ in BOB. You're lookin' at the biggest social phenomenom-nom-nom since ya mother's gapin' gape-hole.
[He folded his arms across his chest in a lame attempt to be street tough.]
BOOKFACE: Who's the biznitch now, bitch?
[BookFace shuffled forward and superkicked the camera to BLACK!]
SSTDY: "Do you like violence?" A question that has never been put to Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam before in his life, but still, it's an awesome question. And it's a question he puts to each and every rookie coming into Brawlers on a Budget.
SSTDY: Because if you don't like violence, what in the blue blazes are you doing here? Earning a living maybe? I don't think so, BOB hasn't made good on their checks in months. To gain a reputation? I'm not even going to answer that.
SSTDY: But this week it's about issuing people challenges and seeing if you can live up to their reputations. So Mister Bookface, how's about you and me give one of these teams a challenge to end all challenges, and maybe, just maybe I might see about laying a Title Challenge in your lap.
SSTDY: So what do you say, you illiterate piece of n00b cake? Are you in for a win, or are you all talk and no action?
[FADE IN: The camera is in a back alley somewhere looking for it's target.]
OFF SCREEN: PSSSSST!
[PAN LEFT: We see BookFace wearing a trench coat looking around to see if anybody is watching. He waves for the camera man to come closer.]
BOOKFACE: Sweet potato, you uggo biznitch... don't you know this is 1 RP MAX? Erm... PROMO MAXX! Chea. But I totally don't care because them uggos Leary and Michelle can like... take their rules and stick them totally up their stupid uggo asses. I'ma promo when I'ma promo and them Leary can like... totally do nuffin' 'bout it. Chea. Coz I'm totally like... random and do what I want when I want. That's why I'm so popular and you're all just total uggos!
[BookFace held up his iPhone and punched some buttons on it and then looked up at the camera.]
BOOKFACE: Do you like... KNOW what I totally did then, Yam? I totally updated my FaceBook status. It says "poo secks pirate Yam wants dubl d8 but ONOZ! me dun swing that way - P.S. still tag wrstle butt". You know what that means, right?
[The camera shakes from side-to-side.]
BOOKFACE: It totally means that I'll be up fer tag wrestlin' with you, uggo Yam. You four-eyed uggo. You homo sweet potato. Oh yeah... I'll tag wrestle with you but you like.... totally lay one of your stink fingers on me and I'll kick your face to dead. You choose the mouldy biznitch we face, uggo. And when I'm done with them... I'll kick your four eyes down the back of your uggo throat.
[He pulls a thumb back into his chest.]
BOOKFACE: I'm like... so totally gunna be a champ here in BOB. I'm like... the biggest social phenomenom-nom-nom since ya mother's gapin' gape-hole. See you at Michelle. P.S. Toadlena.
[BookFace shuffles forward and superkicks the camera to BLACK!]
[We cut back to the wired world of Swiss Army Champion, Sam, Sam That damn Dancing Yam, as he's looking over the list of who's asses to kick. He looks at the reader and smiles.]
SSTDY - Well Bookface, glad to hear you ain't a wussy after all. A tag-team we will make. And a tag-team we will face. Having always been a fan of slightly dirty sound names, I say that we take on Massive Man and Totally Package.
[Sam pauses for a few. Then speaks again.]
SSTDY - And as for the no touching thing, no problem. I'm sure I can wait for an officially sanction one on one match to lay my experienced fingers on your internet net nerd like ass...
SSTDY - I think it's nice to give these spottie young rookies a chance to prove their metal and see what they can do. And then proceed to use that talent for our own ends in the hopes that we can get bigger and better contracts.
SSTDY - And anyway, I don't see Harvey the Hardcore Hippo getting involved in a match, so if you're going to sit back and whine like a 5-year-old after getting the shits from a bad burrito.
Loss-Of-Control Center, Part 4
SW: Did Sam say he wants to get his "fingers" on BookFace's ass? Dude!
Styles: This was quite the match, actually.
[Cut to a shot of BookFace locking in Jim into a surfboard.]
Styles: He calls that one Surfing the Web.
SW: Does he really? Or did Leary and Michelle just think that was funny in a drunken stupor?
[Sam connects with a swandive headbutt on Jim while he's still in the surfboard. Cut to Jim monkeyflipping Sam into a second-rope Massive Man spear! Cut to a shot of Massive Man hitting a sideways effect backbreaker. Cut to Bookface catching Jim diving from the top rope and hitting him with the Bookmark (a Rock Bottom).]
SW: Oh yeah, this was a pretty good match. What's up with that? We actually had some good matches.
Styles: It's a whole new era in BOB.
SW: Another one. We have a new era almost every year. Almost as often as Leary redesigns the Web site.
[Cut to Pete "Shorty" O'Red, Harvey the Hardcore Hippo's midget clown friend–]
SW: AHHHH! MIDGET CLOWN! NOOOOO!
[Who runs into the ring and pantses Vicky Jean. Sam and BookFace give chase to Shorty all around the ring, and even under it.]
SW: This is like a "Benny Hill" episode, without that annoying music.
Styles: But this was all a trap. As Massive Man and Jim waited patiently in the ring, under the ring, we found out that Harvey the Hardcore Hippo was lying in wait. It was a surprise, as Harvey made it known leading up to the show in the Rant Zone that he wasn't going to BE there. Sam was shoved out first, bleeding. And BookFace was next. But it was hard to tell what happened to him, since he already has a book lodged in his masked skull.
[Clips are shown of said events as Styles talks. Massive Man drags Sam inside, and Jim hits a Krew Kutter on Sam for the tainted victory. Cut to Harvey and Shorty having a laugh at their evil deeds.]
Styles: And, of course, we already reviewed Kobe Gyant vs. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. We're just about out of time, so we'll let Harvey's promo take us out. For Scotty Whatbody, this is Styles saying, oh my God!
[We focus in on Harvey from a low angle, an angle that makes him tower over us.]
Harvey: Of COURSE you would pick them fools Sammie Yammie Puddin Pie. Because you KNOW that The Hippo Loves to eat Yams for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
[Hippo shifts to the left and we notice in the mirror behind him is Kid Pimp holding the camera. (Which explains the low angle as Shorty O'Red is not tall.)]
Harvey: You are too scared to face off against the team of Dark Circus. I completely understand though. With that FaceBook Freakazoid trying to get all in your bizznitch like a fly on a 5 Dolla working girl I would be all worried about facing a REAL challenge as well.
KidPimp: That's Right Boss!! And as for this BookFace guy, he ain't shiiit. He's nothing more than a punkass with a cheezy Batman Villain name.
[The screen bounces around like mad as Kid Pimp gets riled up about Sam and BookFace.]
Harvey: As for me I am glad to have the night off. I'm just gonna sit back and relax while the other people in this company put on a piss poor show for this dweebs in this hole-in-the-wall backwater. What was this place called again?
Kid Pimp: Toadlena, New Mexico.
Harvey: There ain't Piss in New Mexico worth mentioning. Just Los Alamos and Albuquerque. And Albuquerque is only famous because of that line in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Kid Pimp: Yeh, maybe BookFace should take a left at Albuquerque. Oh and don't forget the "Weird" Al Yankovic song!!
Harvey: True that. But since we are NOT in the capital of New Mexico, I think it is safe for SSTDY to join the Columbia Record Club without BookFace leaving him and ending up with a rabid Hamster Girl gnawing his face off.
[The camera pans around. We find ourselves looking at an Exit door.]
Kid Pimp: So if we ain't booked then what are we doing here anyway?
Harvey: I heard they have some 5 legged radioactive jack rabbits and a 400 year old hermaphrodite tortise over at Bubba's Roadside Zoo. I thought maybe we could go over and take a look, maybe get a coule of Kosher hot dogs while we are there.
Kid Pimp: Sure, sounds like fun. As long as they don't serve them with saurkraut. What is a Hermaphrodite anyway?
[Fade to black.]
Caption: To Be Continued...
©2009 BOB Wrestling!