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[Inside an empty ballroom in The Visage, Massive Man Rendition First and Jim "Totally Packaged" of Regeneration-X were busy unfolding a map of Texas on the floor.]
MMR1: Alright, dude. Where's the "Summoning Spirits" book?
Jim: Right here, dude.
[Jim hands him a book.]
Jim: I still say this is totally not necessary. Are you ready?
MMR1: Let's break it down...
[Massive Man unzips his fly and begins...fumbling around inside. Out comes a...glowing six-inch green penis?]
MMR1: Dude, it's not a penis. It's a glow stick!
[Did you grow up next to a nuclear plant or something?]
MMR1: Look! Glow stick! (He violently whips it around.) Could I do this with my penis?
[Maybe if it fell off. Remember that song "Detachable Penis"?]
MMR1: Dude, do you want to SEE it?
[No, no. My bad. Let's get this thing moving.]
Jim: We're being edgy, man! Get with it! Here! Look at this (he says unzipping his fly).
[An infrared glow stick comes out of Jim's crotch. This time it's a red one. They continue pulling glow sticks out of their pants until the room is lit up with purple, blue and orange glow sticks as well.]
MMR1: We're so cool. Who else has glow sticks?
Jim: LED rules! We should so go to a rave after the show. Chicks will be totally into our glow sticks.
MMR1: Focus, Jim, focus! We're here for serious business.
[Jim starts running circles around Massive Man.]
MMR1: For one night only...are you ready?
MMR1: I said....ARE...YOU...READY?
[...Are you talking to me?]
MMR1: Then, for the hundreds who will later be in attendance, and the millions who used to watch around the world every week on Comedy Central *coughcough*...
MMR1: What the?
Paperboy: Two dollars!
Jim: Aw, dude! We're not GBH, and we don't owe you anything. But if you throw another newspaper at us, we're gonna owe you a butt kickin'!
[Paperboy charges at Jim with a rolled up paper. Jim runs, and in a few seconds, Paperboy trips over something in the dark.]
MMR1: Paperboy, you need to get out of this ballroom right now. We're in the middle of some very important Re-X stuff.
Alex Smith: (Bullhorning) Is it as important as the erosion of the freedoms? Ron Paul for president! Ron Paul for president! Ron Paul for president!
MMR1: Dude, get real. He has less supporters than BOB has viewers.
AS: (Bullhorning) You're an operative! I knew it! Viewers, check out Naomi Wolf's essay, "Fascist America in 10 Easy Steps"! Lord Bush is following his Nazi grandfather's playbook to a tee, just as all ascending dictators have throughout history! The same events that laid the foundations for the rise of the Third Reich in early 1930s Germany are being mirrored in modern-day America! Step one--
MMR1: Dude. No! I've got far more important things to do than listen to your conspiracy theories right now!
AS: (Bullhorning) Boootlicker!
Jim: Dude, did you notice it's getting cold in here? I sure wish I had a Re-Generation-X crotch warmer! Now available! Sure it just looks like a sock with our logo on it. But it's cool, because it has our logo on it!
Voice: Did somebody say...crotch warmer?
MMR1: Hey, man!
[Sir Hungalot walks into the shot.]
SH: I could get me some of that.
MMR1: You are talking about the crotch warmer, right?
SH: Of course!
[Massive Man and The Big Sir high-five and Jim tosses him the merchandise.]
SH: Good to see you guys. Me and Jean just stopped by to say hey and wish you guys some luck in your matches.
Voice: I hope we don't get randomly attacked tonight. Otherwise, we may have some motivation to come back to BOB and get those tag team titles away from...who has them now?
MMR1: Is that? Jean Bannister? Get over here!
[Jean walks into the shot. High-fives all around.]
Jim: The odds are really good, sadly...I've been attacked randomly. A LOT. It's really getting old. I hope the angle is going somewhere. Oh, are we still filming? My bad.
MMR1: Anyway...Jean. I bet Death would love to see you tonight.
JB: I bet he would.
SH: Oh, hey, I come bearing a gift. I wanted to give you a copy of my newest DVD that's coming out this Tuesday.
[The Big Sir hands MMR1 the DVD.]
MMR1: "Fuck Hard: The Clint Toris Story"?
Jim: Is it just me, or are these titles not as creative as they used to be?
JB: Damn writer's strike...
SH: Yep. It's looking to be a long, hard, negotiation. I may be laid off. Again. Any job openings here for a legend?
Jim: Probably. Who did you have in mind?
Jim: You? A legend?
SH: The Big Sir is a legend to ALL the ladies. I always hit the G-spot.
MMR1: Dudes, hate to cut this short, but we're in the middle of a promo.
SH: Oh, right. Good luck boys. Carry on.
JB: See ya later. You'll buy us some drinks, I'm sure.
MMR1: Yeah... Where were we? Say, what time is it? (Looks at his watch.) Oh, right, it's time to buy a Re-X watch! Now available! And check it. It TOTALLY has a FACE on it.
Jim: Jewish? No worries! We've got Re-X yarmulkes! Oy vey!
MMR1: My pants just won't stay up. I sure wish I had...oh wait, I do! It's the brand new Re-X belt featuring our bright and shiny Re-X logo. Good for holding up any pair of pants with belt loops! Warning: May contain lead paint...
Jim: Say, Massive Man, maybe after we do our spell, we could play some cards with, the official Re-X Strip Poker playing cards! Yes, see myself and Massive Man in all sorts of naughty positions.
MMR1: Planning on dying soon? Don't you DARE miss out on the official Re-X tombstones! Buy one tombstone, get an official Re-X casket at half-price! That's a great deal, especially if you're in the wrestling biz these days, right Jim?
Jim: Right, Massive Man.
[BigBOSS and Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" enter the shot.]
BigBOSS: Look, I appreciate you plugging all the merchandise, but don't forget, we've got a show to do, underlings. Hop to it!
MMR1: Yeah, my toe isn't hurt anymore. That's so 2003.
Eliza: AHHHHH! Laugh!
[Massive Man and Jim look at each other, then give a hearty, fake laugh to appease BigBOSS's giant ego. BigBOSS walks away.]
BigB: (Singing) Well it's his big toe...
Eliza: Ahahahaha! You're so funny, BOSS!
MMR1: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...I've got two words for....YOU!
[Massive Man does what at first looks like a crotch chop, but he then extends his index fingers so they're pointing down at the map.]
MMR1: You're back!
Jim: And you're better than Benoit's ghost!
[A few seconds pass. Fade to white. OK.]
[Cut to Death, who is with Mike Monroe.]
Mike Monroe: How you feelin' tonight, champ?
Death: Ya know....when I came over to BOB here, I thought, one day, I would become THE entity here. And now look at me. I've got the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Ten years ago, sure, SMP was winning a big title in some other promotion up north. They were up north, weren't they? Anyway...I am the most...whatever...you know? There is. And yeah. I've got the belt!
MM: You alright, Death?
Death: I'm great! SMP. I'm not letting you take this belt. The only thing that would be more disgraceful would be for Axl to have this belt around his waist! You know what I heard? I heard the Niege Thirteen himself is in the building tonight. I broke the code down. So look out for flying ninja penguin snowmen and flying corncob pipes, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal, SMP! Thumpity thump thump!
Death: It's true.
MM: Death, you're not making any sense. You sound incredibly drunk and incoherent at the moment. No offense.
Death: Oh? Yeah, I was really offended until you said, "no offense," but now, it's cool.
[SMP walks up to Death.]
SMP: It's been too long since I've had a championship. I know it isn't 1998 or 1999. It's 2007. And I'm still the BEST damn wrestler in this sport! And I sure as hell am the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer In Wrestling Today! Get it?
SMP: Got it?
[Death and SMP stare at each other for a few seconds.]
Off-screen voice: Clear!
Caption: Sinister City, Utah; The Residence of Evil
[It is the afternoon. The Beetle of Evil, as Axl has taken to calling it, has pulled into the driveway of the Hierarchy's new hangout... a one story, two bedroom home... a house far removed from the trailer of Nowhere. As Axl makes his way to the passenger's side door, he breaths in slowly... before opening the door... and taking the hand of his agent, Tifa. Axl smiles at Tifa, who nods her head.]
Tifa: So we're finally here.
Axl: We are. Finally, away from that hole in the wall town... hell, I forget its name now. But no matter. We're finally in a city that is WORTHY to have us as a part of it... and one day, perhaps, I can grace its citizens with the honor... and the PRIVILEGE... of having me as their mayor. Sinister City, Utah... and our new home... The Residence of EVIL!
Tifa: Oh, nothing... why bother. Let's go inside.
Axl: Let's. Guys, stop playing that Lameboy or Homeboy or Gameploy or whatEVER, and get the bags.... We're home.
[As the Brotherhood grab the bags, Axl leads Tifa toward the front door of the RoE...]
Axl: Wait, I'm getting a phone call on my cell...
Tifa: I didn't hear any-
Axl: [whips out his cellphone] Hello? ... Oh, you're inside! Awesome! Well, Mom, I'm right outside the door, and I've got my agent with me. Her name's Tifa, and- ... Nooo, she's not my girlfriend! ... No, she's not my wife. ... SHE'S NOT MY MISTRESS EITHER, MOM! ... Alrighty, I love ya too, we're coming in right now. ... Buh-bye.
[Axl pockets the phone, and looks at Tifa, who has a puzzled look on her face.]
Tifa: Your mom's inside?
Axl: Yeah, I guess you get to meet her right off the bat.
Tifa: Great... This oughta be interesting.
[Axl opens the door, and the two head inside... soon followed by Jon, Jim, and Joe. When our camera switches inside, we find a recliner... turned with its back toward the front door. Axl and Tifa look around.]
Axl: Mom... Mom? What room are you in?
Rose: This one deary.
Axl: ... That doesn't sound like you... wait... wait a damn minute... Rose?
Tifa: Yeah, that's your mom's name, Axl... Of course, she sounds pretty young to be your mom. ... What, did she have you when she was seven?
Axl: Tifa... I don't think that's 'Rose', my mom...
Rose: Wise you are, young Jedi.
[Rose rises from the recliner, and turns around... and indeed, it isn't Axl's mom, but his ex-girlfriend. Rose has ditched her former 'rock band' look she sported upon Axl's debut in BOB, when she played drums for his old band 'GwarTellica'... and is now clad in the same gothic style attire that Axl has taken to wearing.]
Rose: I came seeking revenge, Axl... and I won't leave until I have it.
Axl: You should have given up, Rose. We're history... it's just me and the Hierarchy now, babe.
Rose: I don't want you... I want... HER.
Tifa: Huh? What do I have to do with this? You do know I'm just his agent, right? We're in business together. Nothing more... nothing less.
Tifa: ... Am I missing something? Axl, why are you laughing along with this gothic tramp?
Axl: Alas, my dear... you miss the point entirely. Now, just as you ever have. For you see... a new horizon is upon us. A new day is close to dawn. And your day... has drawn to a close.
Rose: It is time, my love... for the Truth to be revealed.
Tifa: What... in the HELL are you two rambling on about? Axl, do you EVER make ANY sense?
Axl: Is it I who doth make too little sense... or thine that maketh too MUCH?
Tifa: ... Huh? Ya know, nevermind. I'm getting the hell out of here. If you two can't explain to me what's going on then-
[Suddenly, two pairs of hands clasp onto Tifa's arms... she glances behind her to find Jim and Jon standing there, each of them grabbing ahold of one of Tifa's arms. She turns her head back forward to look at Axl, but finds herself staring, face to face, with Rose. Her hair, long, flowing, blonde, with dark black streaks weaving throughout... her lips glossed with black... and her eyes... veiled behind two crimson red contacts. Rose gently places her hand alongside Tifa's cheek... Rose's black fingernails shining with glitter... as she smiles a sick, and twisted smile... devoid of happiness or joy... brimming with hatred and... not-good-ed-ness. Rose drags her tounge along her top lip... before moving in close to Tifa's mouth... and as Jim and Jon grasp Tifa's wrists, Rose tilts her head to the side... and whispers...]
"Believe... or Be Left Behind."
[Tifa appears as if she's about to say something, but Rose quickly locks on a french kiss... shoving her tounge down Tifa's throat forcibly... before ripping it back out and slapping the taste out of Tifa's mouth... Tifa's head reels to the side, and a tiny tear trickles down her face.]
Rose: You chose not to Believe... and so? You shall fall, just as any who choose to oppose my king shall! Tifa... you shall be but an example, for the members of BOB to either take heed of... or ignore. And those who ignore this example shall be doomed to repeat in your footsteps.
Tifa: [struggling to break free from Jim and Jon] You can't do this! I have the best lawyer money can afford, so if you even DARE-
Rose: Oh no no no. I wouldn't DREAM of it. No... what we're going to do to you is much worse than any beating.
[Axl walks over to Tifa, with the same, sick, twisted smile as his former and now CURRENT girlfriend, Rose.]
Axl: We're going to send you out into that cold, autumn afternoon... without paying for your cab fare!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! PURE EVIIILLL!!!
Rose: And alas, we bid thee adieu. Now, be rid of you, you... WENCH!!!
Tifa: ... You two are a couple of nutjobs, seriously...
[And so, the Brotherhood tossed Tifa out into the cold, without paying for a ride. Of course, they didn't really "toss" her... or even shove roughly... just sort of escorted her out. ... And it's not like she didn't have enough money of her own to pay for a drive back to her home back in Nowhere, but ANYWAY... Axl holds Rose's hands in his... the two gazing lovingly into eachother's eyes... they lean closer toward eachother...]
[Before they start kissing really sloppily and nastily, like they're on some kinda porn movie or somethin'. Not really romantic... Rose hops into Axl's arms and start really going at it, necking like there's no tomorrow. And suddenly, MegaBrawl's turned into a damn fan fic... Meh.]
[We FINALLY get into the Visage Main Ballroom. A crowd of hundreds is chanting "Oh my god" at Styles, who is in the middle of the ring.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to, Brawlers On a Budget's, MEEEEEEGABRAWL!
[The crowd stands up and cheers.]
Styles: I'm Mikey Styles...
[The lights cut out as "Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver starts playing. Flashing green strobes lead out one-third of the incurable Apathy disorder, and the new Vice President In Charge of Everything...Trey Vincent. Trey waits for his...whatever she is, Misty Waters to walk by, presumably so he can watch her walk. Yep. His eyes are looking at nothing but ass...Eventually, they get in the ring.]
Crowd: TV! TV! TV! TV!
Trey Vincent: You told them?
Styles: No! Those are your initials!
TV: Oh, right. Look at that. *Ahem* Right. Well. As I thought you all already knew, Brawlers On a Budget has signed...(Trey holds up a piece of paper) a TV deal.
Styles: Really? Where? Did you get us on [adult swim]?
Styles: TNT? TBS?
Styles: ESPN? ESPN2?
TV: No and no.
Styles: Well...where then?
TV: G5 TV!
Styles: G5? Don't you mean G4?
TV: No, Styles. G4 is the past. G5 is the future of television! And also the only one who offered us a deal.
TV: That's right. Currently, G5 is only available in about 7 percent of American households. But it's growing fast.
[As Trey is ready to continue, some guy in a suit enters the ring.]
TV: Now all I need to do to make this official is...hey! Who the hell are you?
Guy: Well...I represent Comedy Central.
TV: Comedy Central? That same Comedy Central that cancelled BOB?
Guy: Yes. Well, I'll cut to the point. As you know, the writer's are on strike. And we're willing to let you come back to Comedy Central!
[The crowd is confused.]
TV: Oh, you are, are you? Wow. That's great. Let me just tell YOU something, buddy. There is NO amount of money you could possibly throw at me to make me want to ever consider going on a network that is...pretty much basic cable and would be available to a lot of people....
[The guy starts throwing wads of cash at Trey.]
TV: God, that feels good.
Misty Waters: Be strong, Trey.
[The guy continues throwing bills at Trey.]
MW: You KNOW that once the strike ends that they'll throw us off the air and we'll be screwed again.
TV: Yeah. But the money! When would we air?
Guy: We were thinking...new shows every Monday night. Around...9 p.m. or so.
TV: Keep throwing the money...I'm thinking...
[Trey pauses and looks around at the crowd. Many are yelling not to take the deal.]
TV: You know what. That's a lot of cash. And I'm going to take it.
[Trey extends a hand and they shake. Some in the crowd cheer, but many boo.]
Guy: That's great, Mr. Vincent. All we need is your signature.
TV: Oh, sorry. You misunderstood. I'm taking the money. But you can shove this deal up your ass!
[Trey kicks the guy in the stomach and grabs him by the head as the crowd goes monkey. Trey hooks his leg and hits his fisherman-buster, dropping the guy on his head!]
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
TV: Nice. Already censoring yourself. Yeah, you guys are definitely ready for television!
[The crowd cheers.]
TV: I would rather be seen by 7 percent of the motherfucking world than to EVER come crawling back like a bitch to you, douchebag!
[Huge pop! With that, Trey signs the "contract" with G5 TV.]
TV: BOB returns to TV in March, thanks to, TV! Now, Misty, grab all that money!
MW: What am I? A stripper?
TV: Does anybody have a vacuum we can borrow?
Styles: Well, fans, while Trey and Misty "clean up," let's take a look at SMP's special appearance on "Jeopardy!" Get better, Alex!
[Cut to a shot of SMP at the podium on the set of "Jeopardy!" But suddenly, the films cuts to static.]
Narrator Who Suspiciously Sounds Like Death: We now interrupt this rant possibly due to the appearance of some guy who works for the WWE...damn! to bring you this special BOB Flashback from Wrestlestarrmaniacade!
Dr. Silaconne M. Plants: Let me help him.
Death: You're my next opponent.
Mike Monroe: It's Dr. Sillacone M. Plants, the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in the Game! Why does he want to help?
SMP: I've done some bad things. But before I die, I want to at least have a shot at Heaven.
Death: Fine. Studs?
SMP: (He runs for the door.) Nya ha ha! Sucker!
[Death grabs his scythe and throws it at SMP. It misses. But SMP trips over the piece of railing nobody disposed of properly.]
MM: Death is coming for SMP!
Scotty Whatbody: It's all over!
Death: Say hello to Satan!
[Back to BigBOSS's room. Hotel Manager is still there.]
BigB: And you're sure this is all illegal?
Hotel Manager: Totally. But who cares? You'll have too much money to care.
[There is a flash of light.]
BigBOSS: Oh no, not again!
[Suddenly, Dr. Sillacone M. Plants, fresh off being killed by Death, is in the room.]
SMP: What the? (He looks at BigBOSS.)
BB: I hope you're the last one.
SMP: Is this...am I dead?
BigB: Hate to break this to you, doc, but you're already in Hell. Where'd you think you were gonna go?
[BigBoss and Hotel Manager laugh at him, very evil-like.]
Masked Announcer: And the winner of the KING OF THE DEATH MATCH tournament is....DEATH!
Narrator Who Suspiciously Sounds Like Death: Plants, prepare to die again! This BOB Flashback was brought to you by Death. Death: THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!
[Back to the ballroom. "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones is playing.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the opening contest of MegaBrawl. Introducing first, making his BOB wrestling debut. He hails from St. Louis, Missouri, and weighs in 225 pounds. This is, The Great!
[The Great walks out, still wearing his custom-made "I Attacked douja Earlier Tonight" T-shirt from last week. He is greeted by a pretty decent reaction from the fans.]
Styles: How about this, Scotty.
Scotty Whatbody: Yeah, only a half hour into the show and I FINALLY get some dialogue. I'm the star of this show.
Styles: I was referring to the fans giving some respect to The Great.
SW: He made Axl look like a jerkoff. You've gotta appreciate The Great for that much at least.
Styles: I guess we'll find out in a few moments if The Great can back up his mouth in the ring.
SW: I read his bio page. It doesn't sound promising.
["Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays.]
SW: What is this? A new tune for douja?
Styles: Actually, an old one. This was douja's original entrance music. Maybe he's looking to recapture some of his magic. He's been on a bit of a downward slide lately.
SW: Yeah. Amazing how not appearing in the Rant Zone for eights months can kill a guy's push.
NH: And his opponent. From Parts Long Forgotten. BOB's stoned legend, douja!
[douja stumbles out, looking completely blitzed.]
SW: Too bad, he can't afford rehab. Looks like he needs it. So what was the deal with douja getting attacked? I missed that part. I was a bit, busy at the moment.
Styles: douja was assaulted in an alley while he was talking with Axl at November in Nowhere. Later in the main event, The Great showed up in this T-shirt.
SW: So, instead of doing ANOTHER masked man mystery angle, The Great instead made a custom T-shirt to set up a match? Points for originality, I guess.
Styles: But WHY did he attack douja?
SW: Please, Styles. I doubt douja even remembers being attacked, and you're looking for motive?
Styles: douja still isn't in the ring? It looks like douja can't figure out how to get in there. And here comes The Great to the floor to start this thing off. The Great on the attack, punching away on douja. And douja has no offense.
SW: Oh, wait, there's a big swing by douja. Too bad The Great's already back in the ring.
Styles: The Great's got douja by the hair and is pulling him into the ring. I guess that's one way to get him in there. And finally, both competitors are in the ring. The Great putting the discount boots to douja. The Great drives a knee to douja's midsection.
SW: Did you notice douja was a bit late to the hotel today?
SW: Yeah. Apparently, he was so stoned today, he sold his car for gas money.
Styles: Lovely, Scotty.
SW: I heard, when douja dies he wants to come back as a fish so he can get some seaweed.
Styles: Oh boy. Here they come...
SW: douja's the only guy I know who tried to get a pot belly by eating marijuana.
Styles: The Great with choking douja now. This has been a very one-sided match thus far.
SW: douja's used to choking, but usually it's after taking a hit from a bong, not from some dude choking him.
Styles: Scotty, douja's been in hundreds of matches in his career. I'm sure somebody has choked him at some point.
SW: I said, usually.
Styles: douja with an eye poke to The Great's cheek. That's enough to confuse the Great for a half-second. douja kicks him. Chronic Neck Pain coming up?
SW: What's he doing? Did douja forget how to do his finisher? It's a PILEDRIVER, you idiot!
Styles: The Great simply stands up. Now what's this? He's got douja. Snap suplex onto the top rope. And look out. Snap slingshot suplex? It's the Great-Way Arch! What a move by The Great!
SW: That's his tribute to the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. Of course, if he really wanted to do a tribute, he should have robbed and stabbed douja while he was at it. St. Louis is a pit, Styles.
Styles: You know, I wasn't expecting him to hit that move, especially after his latest rant.
SW: You can probably chock that one up to writing the match one day before he wrote that promo.
Styles: Writing a match? What are you talking a--hold on! Twist Of Great! And now, he's looking to finish off douja.
SW: douja had a chance to win. Then the bell rang.
Styles: Here comes a figure four leglock. Will douja tap? Well, not now! The Great releases it. And now, he's putting on...another figure four?
SW: That's The Great's Figure Eight! The Great is about to defeat one of the biggest legends in BOB--
Styles: OH my GOD! douja just projectile vomited all over The Great! And Generic Ref.
SW: Well, that's one counter I've never seen before. Vomiting on a guy to break the hold.
Styles: That's disgusting.
SW: I think Generic Ref and The Great would agree with you. And The Flunky. He's gonna have to mop that puke up.
Styles: And it looks like Generic Ref has had enough? He's calling for the end of the match.
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, as a result of Generic Ref being totally grossed out....The Great!
Styles: Wow, what a huge victory for The Great over douja here tonight.
SW: Yeah, it'd be even better if douja hadn't done his Anne Zeno impersonation all over The Great.
Styles: I hope Generic Ref has a spare referee shirt as well. Poor guy. Well, welcome to BOB, The Great.
SW: If only you KNEW what you had done when you applied here...
[In a hallway, Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" is pushing BigBOSS in a wheelchair when Mrs. Behave steps in front of them.]
BigB: Hi, honey! How are you?
Mrs. Behave: Stuart. I can't let this go on.
BigB: Let what go on?
Mrs. Behave: I've watched enough soap operas in my time to see where this whole business is leading. Yes, it's great that Eliza saved you from a severe beating after you suffered your terrible back injury. So you book her into a title match.
BigB: What's wrong with that? It's how I say thank you for not letting me be crippled by a crazy dead person possessing the body of one of my underlings.
Mrs. Behave: Well, it doesn't explain why she's living in our house!
BigB: She volunteered to take care the heck out of me. And you know how against socialized medicine I am! What was I supposed to do? Refuse free care and turn this country into the USSR, or, *gasp* France? You know how cheap I am.
Mrs. Behave: I know how cheap she is, alright.
Eliza: Hey! Don't make me scream at you. I so will!
Mrs. Behave: I know what's next. Next thing you know, you'll either want a menage a trois, or the two of you will be sleeping together and plotting to kill me!
BigB: Oh, come on! That's preposterous! Especially the menage a trois thing, since that's only in porno, not in soap operas.
Mrs. Behave: I know you have a THING for her!
BigB: What? I? No! I...that's! C'mon! Honey, we don't have time for this. Eliza. Let's go, underling!
Mrs. Behave: You're going with her to the ring?
[Eliza wheels around Mrs. Behave.]
BigB: Er, yes? She's my personal caretaker. She won't let me out of her sight. Slayer's orders! Sorry, dear! We'll talk more later.
Mrs. Behave: Stuart!
["The Devil Went Down to Georgia" plays.]
NH: The following match is for the T&A XX Division championship. Introducing first, the challenger, being accompanied to the ring by BigBOSS, she hails from Atlanta, Georgia. Eliza "The Jobber Slayer"!
[Eliza wheels out BigBOSS, getting some boos from the crowd.]
Styles: What in the world is going on with BigBOSS and Eliza?
SW: You mean, aside from the fucking?
Styles: Scotty! Oh no! We've got company.
SW: Hey, BOSS! You joining us? Is this desk handicap-accessible?
Styles: Would you stop?
SW: I haven't in nine years, why start now?
BigB: Gentlemen. Great to be with you for this big title match.
SW: Big tittie match? BOSS, you're so outrageous.
BigB: I didn't say that.
SW: Say what.
BigB: Big...you know.
SW: So, Styles wants to know what Eliza's like in bed.
Styles: I most definitely do not!
SW: Oh, right, you're into fruit, or something weird. Alright, I want to know. Is she a screamer?
BigB: Scotty, I'm married. I love my wife. Don't start any trouble or I'll slash your salary again.
["Not A Pretty Girl" by Ani DiFranco plays next. The crowd jump to their chairs with indifference.]
SW: What's she expect from the crowd when she doesn't fill out a bio page? What's up with that, BigBOSS? How can you have a champion without a bio page in BOB? And she's never even visited the Rant Zone.
BigB: I'll have to get back to you on that. All I know is Nikki Mantle is some kind of wrestler.
SW: And not a bad amateur abortion doctor, either.
BigB: *Ahem* BOB neither condones abortions, nor a woman's right to choose.
SW: Wow, really?
BigB: Right. That's why I'm in charge. I make it sound like I have a position on something, but really just doublespeak until I confuse everyone.
SW: The perfect president.
Styles: Nikki offering Eliza her hand in friendship.
SW: Don't do it, Eliza. You don't know what dirty places that hand has been in. Not to mention her tongue. Don't French her if she extends her tongue in friendship.
Styles: You're in rare form tonight, Scotty. Did you see that? Nikki just tried to hit a low blow on Eliza.
BigB: Come on, Eliza.
SW: Have you?
BigB: Have I what?
Styles: Scotty! Eliza with a slap. Headscissor takeover by Eliza sends Nikki to the floor.
SW: Eliza better be careful. Nikki might get totally sex-crazed from moves like that and try to rape her.
Styles: There's a highly likely scenario.
BigB: We don't employ rapists and never have.
SW: What about Festering Death?
SW: The little stabbing and raping smileys who used to stab and rape corpses.
BigB: Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.
SW: Spacecop. Spaceduck.
BigB: Hey, look, Scotty. It's your salary. And it's going down.
SW: I was just kidding, BOSS. Just making sure you're not going senile in your not quite middle-age.
Styles: Eliza with a suicide dive takes Nikki down.
SW: And Nikki loves it when other chicks go down on her.
BigB: I guess this show's rated M for Mature.
Styles: It should be rated I for Immature. Eliza tosses the champion back inside. How did you decide Eliza deserved this match, BigBOSS?
BigB: Well. Anne Zeno's grieving for a little blood clot that used to be her baby. Kay Fabe, Michelle and Misty Waters were all pretty booked up tonight. That pretty much left her.
Styles: Oh. So, you didn't arrange the card to make sure that the other girls would be booked, leaving Nikki with no other possible opponents, right?
BigB: Seriously. You think I would abuse my power in a way to benefit a devoted underling at the expense of other less devoted and perhaps more qualified underlings? Well, I say heck no.
Styles: Nikki with a big slam there on Eliza. She's got her by the throat. Chokeslam by Nikki. Haven't seen her use that one before. And there's a powerslam. Nikki is certainly having her way with Eliza right now, Scotty.
SW: Something BigBOSS is used to doing.
SW: Have you?
BigB: Have I what?
Styles: Eliza tries for a dropkick, but Nikki has her. Giant swing coming up. Oh, woman! She just got catapulted into the turnbuckles!
BigB: If I wasn't in such crippling pain, I would stand up and boo that outrageous move.
Styles: One! Two and no! Eliza's still got some fight left in her.
SW: She must give one great scream job.
BigB: Scotty, I don't like where you're going with these false and baseless accusations. I have no plans to get rid of my wife and replace her with Eliza.
SW: You sure? Then would you mind if I asked her out?
BigB: Of course I mind!
SW: I knew it!
BigB: She's my personal nurse. I can't have her wasting time with you.
Styles: Eliza with a sunset flip! One! Two! No. Eliza setting up Nikki on the top rope now. We may be about to see the Screamaconrana! Oh no! Nikki holds on. SUPERBOMB! Oh my GOD! One! Two! Three! This one is all over.
SW: Boy, BigBOSS. You may have to tend to her aching body after that move.
BigB: She'll shake it off. She is a Slayer, after all. She has amazing recuperative powers.
SW: Oh really?
NH: Here is your winner, and STILL T&A XX Division Champion, Nikki Mantle!
BigB: Nice chatting with you boys, but my work here is done. I've got to get up to my suite with Eliza. (Pause) And Mrs. Behave! My beautiful, loving, understanding wife!
SW: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
BigB: Is there anything you wouldn't do?
SW: With Eliza? Hell no!
BigB: I was afraid you'd say that.
[The Skull & Bones Society's hotel room. Lord Athackkimentham is kneeling in front of a television that is showing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
LA: All hail Santa.
LA: Santa, give me the strength to defeat Kevin the Pyromaniac and Booger in thy name. May I spill their blood, and make you grow stronger, Lord Santa. And may everyone go out and buy HDTVs. GPS devices. Video games. DVDs. Laptops. Because Christmas is all about debt. Debt to Lord Santa that your soul will never recover from. Santa owns each and every one of you fools. He owns you, Kevin. He owns you, Booger. And tonight, I own your souls. And I own the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Championship! Hail Santa.
["X Gonna Give it to Ya" by DMX plays. Pete Trable walks out.]
NH: The following is a triple threat match. Introducing first, now making his way to the ring. From Fresno, California. He weighs 275 pounds. "XFactor" Pete Trable.
Styles: Have you seen this, Scotty?
SW: No. And I'm pretty sure I don't care.
Styles: Contact-An-E-wrestler.com has their top 10 Least Wanted Parody E-wrestlers list up. And Pete Trable is at number seven.
SW: Seriously? Who is less wanted them him?
Styles: Coming in at number one, yet again, is XXXtreme Machine, with Booger coming in very close at number two. What a strong showing for the newcomer.
SW: Well, at least Booger is tops on some state's sex offender list.
Voiceover: 1, 2, 3, 4!
[A Ramones medley plays.]
NH: Introducing next. From Parts Forgotten. This is Coma!
[Coma steps out wrapped in lit Christmas lights, in addition to his usual attire, a T-shirt and a tutu.]
Styles: Some guys wrap themselves in barbed wire. I guess Coma is showing he can be festively softcore.
SW: Ah, yes, it's the great American tradition. Running downstairs on Christmas morning and seeing what Santa left you under the Coma. What I really want to know is what those lights are plugged into.
Styles: There's a lovely thought.
["Regeneration X" by Mark Rushton (Random Screaming BOB Catchphrase Remix plays next.]
NH: And finally, from Kent, Ohio. He weighs 180 pounds, and is a member of Re-Generation-X. This is Jim "Totally Packaged."
Styles: And here comes the doctor of "chuganomics." The girls in the crowd showing their love for Jim.
SW: Sadly, all of them are too young to be given any love back by Jim, unless he wants to spend some time in jail.
Styles: This one is quickly under way, and Jim and Coma are looking to team up early on here against Pete Trable. Trable fighting back, but he gets taken down by shots from Coma and Jim. Mostly, Jim, actually, as Coma seems fascinated by the pretty lights he's wearing.
SW: That reminds me, I need to find my mistletoe belt buckle for the BOB Christmas party after the show.
Styles: Oh, Scotty.
Styles: Trable connects with a dropkick on Coma. And Jim takes down Pete with a dropkick. Coma's back up, and Jim dropkicks Coma, who lands on the bottom rope. Jim with a springboard...180 dropkick! Oh my GOD, what a move by Jim! Right to the top of Coma's head.
SW: Why do people consistently target Coma's head? I keep telling everyone it's not gonna do any good. Go after a body part that still has some feeling left in it. An arm, a leg, his testicles...something.
Styles: Trable whips Coma into the corner. Running clothesline by Trable. CD coming up? NO! Superkick by Jim, and Coma takes a back suplex as Trable collapses backward! And, aside from the girls in the crowd, the fans are booing Jim.
SW: Heels are cheered, faces are booed. Gotta love Sin City.
Styles: Jim pulling up both guys. He tries to whip them to the ropes, but they reverse. Back body drop? No! Jim with a double sunset flip! One! Two! Trable and Coma roll through oooh, and deliver a double dropkick to Jim's face! Nicely done. Trable charges, but Jim rolls through into a half Boston crab. Coma with a wrist chop on Jim!
Jim: Dude, that's my remote hand! Careful.
Styles: Coma's up top. Super knee to Jim's face! And that breaks the hold. Coma runs to the ropes. Somersault jawbreaker, are YOU kidding me?
SW: Trable's gonna be a WWT. Wigga Without Teeth.
Styles: Cover, two and, Jim makes the save.
SW: Is there any truth to the rumor that P-Tra got former BOB T&A division member Britney Smears pregnant?
Styles: Dear lord, I hope not. Can you imagine being that kid.
SW: Yeah, a mother and a father who can barely wrestle. That kid's destined to be exploited by BOB in about 18 years if we're still around.
Styles: Or at least be on Springer. Trable and Jim charge at Coma, who dives, Hallucination Boy style, and trips both men. Coma's got Jim ready for...a tombstone back rake? That's 100 percent Coma offense right there. Trable grabs Jim now. It's the whirly bird! And Jim's feet smash into Coma's head, knocking him down. Uh oh. Generic Ref just took a tumble as well. Coma with a tilt-a-whirl bear hug on Trable, and Jim goes flying to the mat.
SW: And those pointy Christmas lights have got to be...moderately annoying Trable. Coma is such a blatant cheater. Generic Ref should disqualify him for this.
Styles: Jim's back up. He's got Coma from behind. Krew Kutter konnekts!
Styles: Sorry, got k krazy there. Damnit!
SW: You're still k-razy, Styles.
Styles: Trable grabs Jim. Jim floats over. Krew Kutter? No! Trable floats through. Kompakt Disker attempt. No! Jim flips over Trable's bakk. KREW KUTTER KONNEKTS! DAMNIT!
SW: Will you stop it with the K's? Do you have a fur ball or something?
Styles: I'm apparently broken, Scotty. Generik Ref is bakk up! One! Two! Three! Jim gets the viktory.
NH: Here is your winner, Jim "Totally Packaged"!
Styles: Well fans, up next, we'll see the other half of Re-Generation-X, Massive Man Rendition First, defending the Swiss Army Belt against Kay Fabe. And right now we're going to take a spe...no...a...unique? That works. A unique look at Kay Fabe.
SW: And somebody get Styles some water.
["One Thing" by Finger Eleven begins playing. We see a shot of Kay Fabe hanging from a tree in a skimpy swimsuit. Then a picture of Kay Fabe's fourth grade Cloudydale class picture, with her circled. Aw, how cute she was back then. Then we see her in her awkward, nerdy high school pic (Cloudydale, Class of 1996!). Then a shot of her bent over a chair? Yowza. Then a picture of her lifting bananas, as if they were weights. Then Kay dressed up as Mistress of Pain in some sort of love dungeon. Cut to a shot of Kay Fabe straddling the top turnbuckle and, uh, rather enjoying herself. Cut to a shot of Kay sitting in an empty BOB ballroom.]
[A close up of Kay staring at the camera all serious and sexy.]
"Cause I wasted the light"
[A close up of Kay's hands flexing as if they're about to grab boobs.]
"Between both these times"
[A shot of Kay in an empty ring.]
"I drew a really thin line"
[A shot of Kay looking up at the ceiling and then, not, as Kamikazie Ken falls down from the rafters.]
"If I traded it all"
[Shot of a nerdy, younger Kay in an Ani DiFranco T-shirt.]
"If I gave it all away for one thing"
[A shot of Kay not wearing a shirt...sadly, from behind. Then a clip of Kay jumping rope. Then a shot of her hitting the Kay's Bottom on somebody.]
"Just for one thing"
[Kay holding up the Chimichanga Title. Clip of Kay looking at her boobies.]
"If I sorted it out"
[Shots of Kay hitting a Kay's Bottom on somebody.]
"If I knew all about this one thing"
[Shots of Kay walking out at an SMC.]
"Wouldnt that be something"
[Shots of Kay walking out at a different SMC. Then clips of her playing with her juggies.]
"I promise I might"
[Clips of Kay surrounded by candles at Massively Cool.]
"Not walk on by"
[Clips of Kay hitting Great Tiny with a German suplex.]
"Maybe next time"
[Clips of Kay hitting XXXtreme Machine with a German suplex.]
"But not this time"
[Clip of Kay hitting Massive Man Rendition First with a German suplex. Clip of Kay Fabe locking in the Wiccan Crossface on MMR1 at November In Nowhere.]
KF: I've heard it all. You'll never win the big one. You'll never be able to come back from hell and compete in a low budget federation for a secondary title while possessing a redheaded Wiccan's body.
NH: Look! She just grabbed the Swiss Army Belt. Is she...
Styles: She's stuffing the Swiss Army Belt down her...tights?
NH: And look at that evil, gap-toothed smile!
SW: C-c-c-an I g-g-g-get in those t-i-t-t-i--t-ights?
KF: Hey, Massive Man? You want this title back? You'll have to face me. The greatest technical wrestler possessing the body of a redheaded woman today! Get ready for some toothless aggression!
Styles: Oh dear lord.
KF: At MegaBrawl, that's what it's all aboot! Eh?
Styles: Massive Man vs. Kay Fabe?
KF: A lot of critics said never. I proved them wrong.
[Various clips are repeated. Then we have shots of Kay Fabe locking in the Wiccan Crossface on Massive Man again.]
Caption: MEGABRAWL, Dec. 15, 2007.
Styles: Kay Fabe ripping and tearing. It's over! Kay Fabe's five-year odyssey has culminated by winning the Swiss Army Belt at MEGABRAWL!
[A shot of Kay Fabe holding up the stolen Swiss Army Belt.]
"If I traded it all"
[A shot of Kay Fabe trying to hug some random kid.]
"If I gave it all away for one thing"
[Another shot of Kay Fabe hugging a random kid. Pan out to reveal she's at a mall. Santa Claus chases her off with a candy cane.]
"Wouldn't that be something."
[A shot of Kay Fabe hugging Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" in a naughty way from various angles with a night vision camera. Then a shot of Kay Fabe looking up at the heavens. Then a shot of Kay Fabe holding up the Swiss Army Belt in celebration once again. Fade to black as the song fades out.]
In Memory Of Massive Man's Swiss Army Belt Reign
September - December 2007
[Back to the arena, "Back In The Saddle" by Aerosmith plays. The crowd boos loudly as Kay Fabe walks out wearing yellow tights, black boots and an Edmonton Oilers hockey jersey, holding the Swiss Army Belt over her shoulder.]
Styles: Well, now we're going to see if...oh, I'm so confused, Scotty, I don't know what's going on. Is it really Kay, or is it Chris Benoit has really possessed Kay Fabe?
SW: Hard to say. We all thought Kay Fabe had killed The Domino a few years back and his spirit had possessed her sexy body. Only to find out that The Domino was actually still alive and she was just ripping off his gimmick.
Styles: HIS gimmick?
SW: Well. You know what I mean.
NH: The following match is for the Swiss Army Belt. Introducing first, the challenger. She hails from Cloudydale. I mean...Edmonton, or possibly Atlanta? Or Hell. I have no clue. "The Hellacious Crippler" Kay Fabe!
Fans: FIRE VINCENT! *Clap clap clapclapclap* FIRE VINCENT! *Clap clap clapclapclap*
Styles: So we're going to see if Kay Fabe, or Chris Benoit, or whoever is driving Kay's body around, can make that fantasy sequence come true. Will we see a new Swiss Army Belt champ tonight?
SW: All I hope she pulls a Michelle McCool and one of her titties slips out at some point.
Styles: Really? I figured you were an Awesome Kong fan after her "wardrobe malfunction."
SW: Those tits definitely can't be called "awesome," Styles. Man, that's like something you'd see on a Monday morning at a strip club here in Sin City. Floppy black pregnant junkie tits. Yich!
Voiceover: Massive-o Heeeeat!
["Animal" by Pearl Jam plays.]
Styles: Oh dear lord...It's official. We're all going to hell for this match.
Fans: EDDIE! EDDIE! EDDIE!
NH: And his opponent...from Kent, Ohio...or possibly El Paso, Texas. Maybe Heaven? This is, Massive Heat Latino Rendition!
Styles: And look at that grin on Massive Heat's face. And by the way, I'm with the fans on this one. Trey Vincent has gone too far!
SW: What's so wrong with making your employees play with black magic books? You don't like crucifixion angles. Now you don't like demonic possession angles. You're so picky.
Styles: First of all, that WASN'T ME! That was JOEY! Second of all, there are some lines that you should not cross!
SW: Yeah, but we could seriously have the first ever five-star match in BOB. "Not" Keith's gotta be jizzing himself right now.
Styles: That may well be, but come on, Scotty! I can't condone this.
SW: I'm sure Monroe could. Go on. Leave, Styles. See what happens.
MHLR: ¡Órale, vato! Ay, man. What you're doing is wrong, homes. You don't belong here, homes!
KF: How can I trust you? All you do is lie. And cheat. And steal.
MHLR: Let's just go, vato. Let's let thees two people have their bodies back, have their title match, and we can go back where we belong, esse. Come on, man. You know thees isn't right. Don't let the fans remember you for this, esse.
KF: Sadly, Eddie, I doubt they'll remember me for this.
MHLR: Alright, homes. Then let's put it all on the line tonight, homes! Not only will I put his title on de line! But if I beet you, you have to go back where you belong, esse!
KF: That's fine with me. Because I believe in ME! And I am the greatest technical wrestler not alive today! Prove me wrong!
Styles: And here we go. Massive Heat and the Crippler lock up. And Massive gets to the ropes for a break.
Crowd: EDDIE! EDDIE! EDDIE!
SW: This is probably as close as we'll get to seeing Jesus vs. Satan right here, Styles.
Styles: Stop it, Scotty.
Styles: They have surviving families! We shouldn't be doing this.
SW: Boy are YOU in the wrong business. You want me to call the match while you sit over there and cry like a bitch?
Styles: No! I'm gonna do my job like a professional.
SW: A professional bitch.
Styles: Heat takes the Crippler down with a hammerlock. But Crippler fighting his, uh, her way up?
SW: You know this really is all Re-Generation-X's fault, right? If they hadn't started by going to Georgia back in July, I bet none of this would have happened. They probably never would have ended up in the Netherworld and antagonized Benoit like they did.
Styles: That is some seriously screwed up logic, Scotty. But Massive Man did indeed with the Swiss Army Belt in the Netherworld in that triple threat match against fellow Re-Generation-Xer Jim "Totally Packaged" and...some guy who doesn't work here anymore. Heat bails out to the floor. These stakes are huge, especially for Kay Fabe and Massive Man. If Massive Heat can't beat Kay, we may never see the real Kay again!
SW: I wonder how Seth feels. I wonder if Seth has felt Kay since the change? Seth could be the first man in history to have a threesome with only two people in the room.
Styles: Knuckle-lock coming up. And the Crippler overpowers Heat.
SW: Man, she must be eating her Wheaties sprinkled with steroids!
Styles: Heat goes after Kay's leg now. Wristlock takes Kay down. Chop by Massive Heat?
SW: That's a surprise. The Crippler has those lethal chops. Not to mention that lethal rack. Humina humina. Come on, do your Michelle McCool impersonation next!
Styles: HOODANCONRANA by Massive Heat! Cover! One. Two and reversal! One! Two and no! And--One! Two! No! Armdrag by Heat! Armdrag by Kay! Armdrag by Kay! Armdrag by Heat! And now the Crippler heading out to the floor!
SW: Why are you so pissed off by this, Styles?
Styles: I'll tell you why I'm so pissed off. Wrestlemania 20. After the main event when Benoit finally won the world title. That was probably the only time that a wrestling show that didn't involve a wrestler legitimately dying, had made me cry. I was a huge Benoit fans. And I was a huge Eddie fan. And to see those two guys, finally after YEARS, to get to the spot they deserved, the main event of the biggest show of the year. And that hug in the middle of that ring with the confetti raining down was something special and one of a kind. It was real.
Styles: And you know what sucks? That image is ruined now forever because of what Benoit did. And it pisses me off, Scotty. And the saddest part? I love this sport. I don't even blame Benoit for what happened. I think he wasn't right mentally because of what this business does to some people, the years of concussions and wear and tear on the body. We are so bloodthirsty as fans, that we demand these wrestlers to fall on their heads for our amusement and destroy themselves. The more they destroy themselves, the more we cheer. It's sick.
Styles: But still, I can't turn away from this sport. All I want, Scotty, is to have that moment back and forget what happened. Because I LOVE this business. And I can't now. Which is why it's so tough to even look at Kay Fabe right now. Because I don't see Kay Fabe. I see a woman pretending to be a guy who killed his wife and son, and then hung himself on a weight machine. And it's not funny.
SW: Look! Massive Heat's got a headlock locked on.
Styles: Way to change the subject, Scotty.
SW: Styles, we're only here for a few years, and then everybody goes. I cope with death by making fun of it. Sure, it may be callous to some, but so what? Live free or fucking die, I say. I'm not going to live in fear of getting blown up by some imaginary terrorists or of somebody being offended by me making fun of people dying in a Hurricane or religion or, God forbid, making sexist, insensitive remarks or daring to say, "Fuck George Bush," or "Fuck this fascist government impersonating a democracy," and then being called an "enemy combatant" and sent to a gulag to be tortured. This is WRESTLING for fuck's sake, not Shakespeare! Now, do your job and call this stupid match or I'll kick your motherfucking ass!
Styles: Fine! And stop channeling Alex Smith.
SW: I can't help it. He's totally brainwashed me.
Styles: Tombstone coming up? No! Reversal by Massive Man! Another reversal. Oh, shoulder breaker by Kay Fabe. Massive Man out on the floor. Incoming! Tope suicida by Kay Fabe! And the fans are all over Kay.
SW: I'd love to be all over her!
Styles: Back inside, and there's a slam on Massive Man. And another slam. Half-nelson submission locked in now on Massive Man.
SW: Massive HEAT, Styles.
Styles: I'll call it how I want to call it. Trey can fire me if he wants.
SW: You shouldn't say stuff like that this time of year, Styles. Trey loves to fire people for Christmas. Actually, it's the best Christmas present he can give! Fire me, Trey!
Styles: HOODANCONRANA by Massive Heat from the top!
SW: How did that happen? I should really start paying attention to these things...
Styles: Cover! One! Two and no!
SW It looks like Massive Heat's starting to feel froggy. I can't believe he's not feeling "doggy" with Kay in there...
Styles: *Sigh* Backdrop driver by Massive Man! One! Two! No! Kay kicks out. Massive Man targeting the shoulder now. And there's an armbar.
SW: You want to talk about hellacious? That's what these restholds are!
Styles: Apparently, they have some respect for the people they're inhabiting. They want this to be who is the better wrestler.
SW: That's so 1970s, Styles.
Styles: And here come the chops now! Listen to that flesh smacking, Scotty.
SW: Rip off her jersey! The chops will hurt worse. Plus, she'll be topless!
Styles: Massive Man with an eye poke. And THAT gets a standing ovation from the crowd?
SW: He cheats!
Styles: And Kay whips him to the ropes. Backdrop! Oh man, what impact! Kay drops the elbow. She's pulling up Massive Man. Oooooh, another chop. Look at how red Massive Man's chest is getting. Suplex coming up. No! Both competitors fighting. And Massive Man just got crotched on the top turnbuckle. Superplex coming up!
SW: Suplerplex going down.
Styles: Cover! One! Two! No! Kay Fabe trying to make history as the first woman to hold the Swiss Army Belt.
SW: Um...third, actually. Sarah won it. So did Misty.
Styles: Oh, right.
SW: It would only be historical for being the first woman possessed by a dead wrestler.
Styles: That's what I meant. German suplex! She hangs on. Another German! Third German coming up. Massive Man fighting. WICCAN CROSSFACE! She's got him locked in. Massive Man desperately needs to get to the ropes, or he'll be out a title.
SW: And Hell will be out one resident.
Styles: This is how I want to remember these two athletes. Putting it all on the line in the ring, not them dying too young and too brutally. Eddie...I mean...Massive Man makes the ropes. Kay breaks the hold immediately.
Fans: EDDIE! EDDIE! EDDIE! EDDIE!
Styles: Can Massive Man overcome the evil Kay Fabe? It's not looking good right now.
SW: I just hope if he wins, he doesn't chop off all her sexy red hair and get all juiced up and ruin that perfect body. All that testosterone would make those melons shrink into prunes! That'd be immoral! I'll have to exorcise her myself!
Styles: Benoit with a backbreaker. Fabe, Fabe with a backbreaker, sorry. One! Two! No! But here comes Eddie! Here comes the Three Amigos! Eddie is on fire tonight. First suplex connects!
SW: Benoit should be on fire tonight. Man, Hell must be almost as easy to break out of as prison these days. Maybe he could star in "Hell Break" on FOX?
Styles: Scotty! There's suplex number two.
SW: Oh, right, how silly of me. Writer's strike. But this would be more like a reality show, right?
Styles: Benoit will have to win the match. And to do that, he'll need to use Kay Fabe's body. Eddie putting Benoit on the top turnbuckle. SUPERPLEX! What impact!
SW: Don't give Kay any concussions. I don't want to find Seth strangled with an electrical cord!
Styles: Scotty! Stop!
SW: Oh, why don't you go cry again, Styles?
Styles: Both competitors are down in what is a match that may even be bigger than the Swiss Army Belt. Massive Man getting up first. And he's heading up top. The fans are on their feet. Frog splash misses! Benoit's got Eddie!
Styles: OH my GOD! What a powerbomb! ONE! TWO! And NO! Eddie kicked out!
SW: Wiccan Crossface? Or can I call it by its real name now?
Styles: Call it whatever you want. Eddie desperately needs to get to the ropes.
SW: What do you think it is going through Massive Man's head right now. Do you think he's feeling all this? Do you think this is like a dream to him?
Styles: More like a nightmare. Eddie makes it to the ropes. You are watching history fans.
SW: Yeah, the first ever tag team match. Eddie Guerrero's soul and Massive Man's body vs. Chris Benoit's soul and Kay Fabe's body.
Styles: Both wrestlers slugging it out. Oh, and both men just accidentally took out Generic Ref!
SW: He shouldn't have tried to break this thing up! It's his own fault. This isn't some wussy sport like hockey, it's wrestling!
Styles: Where's Eddie going. Oh no. He's got the Swiss Army Belt! He just nailed Benoit!
Styles: Eddie's heading up top! This one's gonna be over. FROG SPLASH!
SW: I think Benoit's gonna be riding back on the highway to hell now, Styles.
Styles: Generic Ref crawling over to make the cover. One! Two! No!
Styles: Did Eddie just hit Generic Ref with the Swiss Army Belt?
SW: He sure did!
Styles: Oh, that little sneak! And now he's playing dead.
Styles: Oh, right. Sorry. Eddie just through the belt onto Benoit! But he must have hit the ref too hard. He isn't getting up. Now Eddie's trying to wake up Generic Ref.
SW: Good luck. I saw him drinking before the show.
Styles: Benoit from behind. Crossface! Eddie's caught! This may be it! But Eddie grabs the belt. He's trying to find something...what is he doing. Oh no! He's got the bottle opener part of the Swiss Army Belt! Eddie jabs Benoit! And Benoit has to break the hold.
KF: Grr! Damn wimpy girly arms!
SW: Benoit just chopped...himself?
Styles: No, he just chopped Kay!
MHLR: Eh, man! Don't do that! It's not her fault.
KF: Why can't she take steroids like a REAL man!
MHLR: Because, man, real men don't TAKE steroids.
KF: They don't?
MHLR: No, man.
KF: Then what are you saying?
MHLR: Well, homes. I guess I'm saying you were a beetch!
[Pop from the crowd.]
MHLR: This business brainwashed us homes. This business changes us, vato. Maybe it's our fault, maybe it's not. God knows I wasn't perfect. But you know what matters man? What do you now, esse. And you know what you should do now, esse?
MHLR: Come with me.
[Massive Heat drops the microphone and extends his arms. Massive Heat puts the Swiss Army Belt over his shoulder and starts clapping. Kay looks around at the crowd, which is now cheering her on. Confetti begins falling from the roof of the ballroom. Massive Heat and Kay embrace.]
Styles: (Quietly) My god...what a mo--
SW: Small package! One! Two! Three! HAHAHAHA!
NH: Here is your winner, and STILL BOB Swiss Army Belt champion, Massive Man Rendition First.
KF: What was that all aboot?
MHLR: What can I say....I LIE!
MHLR: Come on, esse. Time to go.
KF: Fine. (Pause) OHHHHHH! OH YEAHHHH!
[Kay Fabe collapses.]
MMR1: Yeah! Take it bitch, YEAHHHH!
[Massive Man Rendition First collapses.]
[Slowly, Kay and Massive Man lift their heads up and look at each other.]
MMR1: Did we just do it?
KF: I'm never drinking again.
[She looks around at the cheering crowd.]
[Backstage, Mike Monroe was standing by.]
MM: I'm joined now by former Brawlers on a Budget "You Gotta Have Friends" tag team champions, Pain & Pleasure, Jean Bannister and Sir Hungalot. And gentlemen...
[The camera pans to the right. Just an empty wall is there.]
MM: Gentlemen? Hmm. I guess they've stood me up. *Sigh* Not like I needed this confidence crusher. God, I'm having flashbacks to high school all over aga--
Voice: Pssst! Pssssst! Down...here....
[The camera pans down.]
MM: Jean? Sir? What are you doing down there? The camera is up here?
[A dildo bounces off of Monroe's face.]
SH: Somebody attacked us, you idiot!
[Mike kneels down to continue the interview.]
MM: Oh. Really? Who?
JB: No idea. I've never seen them before.
JB: No, and I said THEM! There were three of them.
SH: Three Guys? That ain't right...they're stealing OUR thing.
JB: One of them, the guy who beat us up with...what was that? A dumbbell?
MM: He beat you up with XXXtreme Machine?
XXXtreme Machine: hye mn fuk u!!
JB: I wasn't talking about you. The guy who beat us up was grrrr-ing a lot. He must've been a bodybuilder or something. The other guy kept talking like a guido...and the other guy just snapped his fingers at us a lot. And it was really annoying.
MM: I'm sure it was.
JB: I've taken some pretty hard blows to the head before in both of my careers.
SH: Guilty as charged, as well.
JB: What was I saying?
SH: Something about blows to the head.
JB: Right...What was I saying?
SH: Mike, if you wouldn't mind, would you help us up? I need some ice to get this swelling down.
((Click on the video above to view it))
["Trogdar" by Strongbad plays. Booger walks out, followed eventually by Kevin the Pyromaniac.]
NH: The following match is for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. Introducing first, now making their way to the ring. First, he is from New Orleans, Louisiana, and weighs 320 pounds. This is Booger! And his tag team partner, from Stinking Bay, Arkansas. He weighs, a whopping 82 pounds. This is Kevin the Pyromaniac. Ladies and gentlmen, this is Great Spoons Of Fire!
Styles: This is quite an interesting pairing.
SW: How are these two a tag team? This is their first time being partners and they get a tag title shot? Man, tag team wrestling is deader than dead. And getting worse.
Voiceover: HAIL SANTA! HAIL SANTA! HAIL SANTA!
["Thus Spake the Nightspirit" by Emperor plays next. Lord Athackkimentham walks out in his usual gear, plus a red Santa hat.]
NH: And their opponents. They are the reigning and defending Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions. They hail from the North Pole. At a combined weight of 225 pounds, Lord Athackkimentham and He Who Shall Not Be Booked, the Skull & Bones Society!
SW: He Who Shall Not Be Booked?
Styles: Two words: Raw's 15th Anniversary.
SW: Fuckin' Gangrel...
Styles: Regardless, the Skull & Bones Society hold a lot of gold here in BOB at the moment.
SW: I was talking with Alex Smith about them the other day. He thinks there is a "shadow" person actually running BOB.
SW: Yeah. You know how Michelle and Trey and those three losers, Skeeter, Leary and Dustbuster Boy are supposed to be the all-powerful bookers. Alex Smith claims there is actually some unseen hand making sure things happen in BOB.
Styles: A shadow booker? Do we know anything about this guy?
SW: I would, but Alex said if I want to know more, I have to subscribe to his stupid Web site. You think I can spare $2 a month? Please. Sally Struthers should be sending ME food!
Styles: Lovely, Scotty. Well, I can't wait to see how Booger and Kevin co-exist in this one.
SW: At least they've got a cool tag name. Oh, by the way, speaking of Alex Smith, he asked me to promote his latest DVD release, since nobody booked him on the show, interestingly enough. Conspiracy? He says so.
Styles: Hurry it up. The match is about to start.
SW: Alex Smith and steelcageplanet.tv present "The Elite Fascist Banking/Military-Industrial Complex Scum Are Planning To Kill 80 Percent Of You Bootlickers 2.0," available now!
Styles: Catchy title as always. Alright. It looks like. Hey. What's this?
[Somebody in a bright pink gorilla suit, carrying a handful of balloons, enters the ring.]
SW: Did Kurt Angel spike our drinks again?
Styles: No, I'm seeing it too.
Pink Gorilla: Hey there, I'm looking for Lord A..A..Asomethingorother, here tonight?
[Lord A raises his hand.]
Pink Gorilla: Hey there, Lord A, I've got a special singing telegram, courtesy of the big guy himself, Santa Claus!
Lord A: Lord Santa?
PG: You've got it. And here goes.
[A midi version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" begins playing.]
PG: Well, I've got an important message Lord A.
From Santa at the Pole.
Skull & Bones we need you here.
Come as quickly as you can.
Get yourself up to Alaska.
There's a sleigh waiting there for you.
And if by some chance this gets to you.
During the middle of a tag title match.
Then Santa commands you to job the belts away.
SW: That didn't even rhyme. That was sad.
Fan: You suck, pink gorilla!
Styles: Wow. Did Santa just tell his disciples to lose the titles? What sort of job could he need them for?
SW: Maybe he needs some guys to clean up all the reindeer poop.
Styles: And look at this! Cover? One! Two! Three? THEY GOT HIM?
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here are the winners, and NEW Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Kevin the Pyromaniac and Booger, Great Spoons of Fire!
Styles: And Lord A is out of here. Look at him go. Lord A is on his way to Alaska?
SW: Well. At least that spared all of us of having to see Booger and Kevin try to wrestle.
Styles: I wonder if we'll ever hear from these guys again. And Death can't like this. Now he'll have no backup later tonight when he has to defend his title against SMP!
SW: Yeah. Why didn't Death get a singing telegram, too?
[Suddenly, the gorilla rips his mask off.]
Styles: What the hell?
SW: Is that Cabass?
Styles: Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me!
SW: Wait a second. These guys came up with a plan to outsmart somebody?
Styles: I'm just as stunned as you!
SW: Look at these fans. They're like, who the hell IS that? Am I supposed to know him? BWAHAHAHA! Priceless.
Styles: Well...Cabass has just tricked the Skull & Bones Society into losing their titles, and going to Alaska to wait for a sleigh that won't even be there. He'll probably freeze to death.
SW: Well, if that happens, at least Death will find out where he is.
Styles: Well, Great Spoons Of Fire are on top of the tag division tonight.
SW: I hope that belt is flame retardant.
[In a hallway near the Grand Ballroom, Trey Vincent and Misty Waters were walking.]
TV: You ready?
Voice: TREY! YO TREYSTER!
TV: Huh? Who is that? Oh, fucknuts.
[DJ Rawkus, MC Carjack and Pete Trable run up from down the hallway.]
MW: Didn't you get rid of these losers?
TV: Maybe we need to take them onto a drive to the woods. And leave them.
MW: Let's try the middle of the desert.
TV: Oooh, nice.
DJ: Yo, Trey! Yo, man, we ain't got our Benjamizzles, homepage!
TV: Well, yeah. Of course you didn't get paid. You don't work for BOB.
TV: I fired you guys, like three weeks ago! Didn't you get my email?
MC: Emizzle? The fizzle?!
TV: What, you guys don't have email access?
DJ: You think we can afford shizzle like that with what BOB pays?
TV: Well, since you're a pair of net zeros, you better get used to it.
PT: Yo, yo, yo. Trey, you can't fire my brothers! We about to throwdown.
[All too conveniently, The Great walks by.]
TV: Hey, you.
[The Great ignores Trey.]
MW: The Great!
The Great: Well, hello there, Misty. The Great always knew you might be The Great's soul mate. You really raise my heart rate.
MW: Not me. Him.
The Great: Hey, no offense, Trey Vincent, but The Great's name is The Great, not Pat Patterson. The Great is straight.
TV: No, no. I need your help.
The Great: Are you the one who referred to The Great as...."hey you" just a few seconds ago?
TV: No! That was DJ Rawkus!
The Great: Who is DJ Rawkus?
[Trey looks at Rawkus, Carjack and Trable.]
TV: The fuck do I know. Here's the deal, The Great. I need you to take care of this situation. I've got a match. And these three dudes apparently want a fight.
The Great: Let The Great contemplate...
DJ: Yo, MC, shouldn't we be attackin' Trey?
MC: No. I'm captivated by his plot hatchin'. Hang on a secizzle.
DJ: Yeah. He is rather tough and manly, and no doubt the toughest SOB on the BOB roster.
PT: You fools SURE you were fired the way your verbally rimjobbing him? *Sigh*
The Great: Translate for The Great: what's The Great get if The Great helps Trey Vincent out?
TV: Hmm...(He looks at Misty.)
MW: I'm not blowing him.
TV: I didn't say it. Why do you think so little of me?
MW: Because I KNOW you.
TV: Ahh. Right. OK. Here's the deal. You take make sure DJ Rawkus and MC Carjack are thrown out of the building, or beaten up, or whatever, since they don't work here, and I'll give you a title shot at BOB's next BOB-On-Demand megashow.
The Great: Main event? ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS?
The Great: And what's the date?
TV: Jan. 19. Unless I'm too burned out from holiday trips.
The Great: Then the show will be late?
TV: Now that's a shoot, brother!
The Great: Well, you know what that is, Trey?
TV: This? (he sees touching his upper lip) It's definitely not herpes.
The Great: Err...that's great. But, what The Great was going to say is...next month...The Great...Main eventing...against either SMP or Death...THAT is GREEEEAT! The Great will inflate the buy rates!
[Suddenly, The Great nails DJ Rawkus with a Roddy Piper strike. He goes DOWN! Roddy Piper strike on MC Carjack. He also goes down!]
The Great: Huh. And Nick said that wouldn't work. The Great wins the debate!
PT: YoyoyoyoyO! You just assaulted my bros!
The Great: Lay-Z just got four bars of damage at the hands of The Great. Don't hate, appreciate!
PT: YO! You stealin' my gimmick now?
[Trey and Misty slink away as Pete and The Great get into a brawl.]
[Further down the same hallway. Pigeon is sitting on the floor. Michelle walks up to him.]
Michelle: Guess what, Pigeon?
Pigeon: You're going to have even less sex with me? Oh wait, not possible. I'm stumped, what?
Michelle: Boy, you're in a bad mood. Maybe this will make you feel better. I just confirmed that next month, you're guaranteed a shot at the Swiss Army Belt!
Michelle: What? What's wrong with that?
Pigeon: Some little punk walks in off the street and gets a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. That title is my DENSITY! What about me? I get a shot at the Swiss Army Belt?
Michelle: Blame my dad. He put Trey back in booking power. Besides...you had three chances at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS this year, in case you forgot. You remember losing to Sir Zeno twice, and also last month at November In Nowhere? I GOT you in those matches, Pigeon.
Pigeon: Feel my pain. Or at least feel my balls.
Michelle: Get up. It's time for our match.
Pigeon: What about ME? What about Pigeon's NUTS?
Michelle: Tell you what. We win this match, and I'll help you out with that.
Pigeon: You better.
["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver is playing as we return to the Grand Ballroom. Trey Vincent and Misty Waters are already walking out. Trey and Misty get a mostly positive reaction from the crowd.]
NH: The following is a bisexual tag team match.
SW: It is! Woohoo!
NH: In this match, only the women can wrestle the women, and the men wrestle the men.
SW: Ew! I don't want to see Trey and Pigeon get it on. What is this, a homesexual on a pole match?
Styles: She didn't mean like that, Scotty!
SW: She better not have. I'm cool with Michelle and Misty, but...that's about it.
NH: Introducing first, originally from Minneapolis, Minnesota, he is one-third of the incurable Apathy disorder, this is Trey Vincent. And his partner, originally from Buttzville, New Jersey. This is Misty Waters!
SW: Interesting that the crowd is cheering this team.
Styles: Not surprising. If given the choice between cheering for this team, or one with Michelle on it, it's a pretty easy choice for most fans.
SW: I love Michelle. Everyone else should, too! Although, I remain a huge Misty Waters fan, especially after her latest straight-to-DVD flick from BOB Films, "No Cunt For Old Men." Eatit & Raper gave it two penises way up.
Styles: *Ahem* Well, we already have a couple of matches set for next month. The Great will be taking on either Dr. Silaconne M. Plants or Death for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, and Pigeon will challenge Massive Man Rendition First, who retained earlier tonight with some divine intervention.
SW: This push is doomed to fail. You can't shove people with limited movesets down people's throats.
Styles: Are you talking about The Great?
SW: Of course I am!
Styles: BOB's been doing that for eight years, Scotty.
SW: And look at what a failure it's been so far!
["My Michelle" by Guns N Roses plays next. Michelle steps out, extends her arms and flaps them, ala Pigeon. Pigeon then steps out, wipes his nose on her flannel shirt, and they walk down the aisle.]
NH: And their opponents. First, from the Bowlery. This is Pigeon. And his partner, she is the Vice President In Charge of Booking, and BigBOSS's daughter, she is the Thousand Dollar Princess, Michelle Vincent!
TV: Give me that microphone. How dare you put all that crap on Heidi's card to read. *Ahem* Introducing, the Vice President In Charge of EVERYTHING. The Franchise Player. The Real Deal. The only main event who can really deliver. The Sports Entertainment Icon. The unparalleled, Trey Vincent!
[Standing ovation from the crowd.]
Styles: These people came here to see a wrestling match. I hope we're going to get to it eventually here if Trey's ego will allow it.
SW: I'm surprised he can maintain such a huge ego considering he's working for BOB.
Styles: It looks like Michelle is going to start this match off with Misty.
SW: I hope she starts it with her top off, too!
Styles: I can't help but notice that Pigeon and Michelle aren't communicating very well.
SW: If she wants Pigeon to listen, all she's gotta do is open up those perfectly-sculpted legs of hers. Then he'll be all ears. Well...not ALL ears.
Styles: Thanks, as always, Scotty. Misty with an armbar. Quick roll up! One! Two and no! Michelle charges, right into a backbreaker! Cover! One, two and no. Michelle kicks out again.
[Sound of a cell phone ringing.]
Styles: Talk about rude! Trey's in the middle of the match and talking on a cell phone?
SW: And he's going to wrestle now. Michelle just tagged out to Pigeon. Which means Trey has to wrestle, I mean, sports entertain.
Styles: The dreaded w-word never leaves his lips, except by accident when he slips out of character.
SW: Hey! That was my line! OH MY GOD!
Styles: Sorry, Scotty. Well, Trey Vincent is talking to somebody on the phone. Can we get a microphone in there?
SW: What is Pigeon doing? He's just sitting in that neutral corner, brooding.
Styles: And here comes Trey. He's stomping on Pigeon.
TV: Can you feel this now? *Stomp* Can you feel this now? *Stomp*
Styles: It's the Global Positioning Stomping. That's gotta Hertz.
SW: Wow, even while he's carrying on a cell phone conversation, he's still better than Pigeon. How long until McMahon rips this idea off for one of his wrestlers?
Styles: It's too trendy. Give it 10 years.
SW: If he ever gets a hands-free phone, he can finish off Pigeon even quicker.
Styles: Vincent now done with his call, I guess, as he hands it off to Misty. He pulls up Pigeon and drops him with a punch. And Pigeon isn't getting up.
SW: Man, Pigeon is so lazy.
TV: What's up, Michelle? He on a wrestling strike til you fuck him?
Michelle: Fuck you Trey!
TV: Been there, done that. How 'bout you, Pigeon?
Styles: And Vincent now unloading with punches to Pigeon's skull. Oh no! He's got Pigeon's legs spread. Knee to the groin, oh my GOD!
SW: That got a reaction out of Pigeon.
TV: I just gave Pigeon more action than he's gotten in months with you, babe.
Michelle: I'm gonna get you for this. I'm so burying you in the mid-card.
TV: Don't even JOKE about that shit, Michelle!
Michelle: Oh, it's so on! Next month, four-way mid-card match. And since you're so familiar with comas already, Coma's gonna be in it. And so is Pete Trable. And just for some added sucktitude...so will XXXtreme Machine!
TV: You bitch!
Styles: Russian leg sweep by Pigeon connects. And Pigeon tags in Michelle. And Trey just tripped his ex-wife!
SW: Man, this is one heated match. Pigeon's pissed at Michelle. Michelle's pissed at Trey. Trey's pissed at Michelle and Trey.
Styles: Don't forget about Misty. Michelle sure hasn't. Trey's new interest is now feeling the wrath of daddy's adopted-little girl. But Misty with an elbow to the side of Michelle's head stops her. Slam by Misty. She's got Michelle up again...chinbreaker!
TV: Hey! I need that chin later, bitch!
SW: And Michelle flips off her ex-husband.
Michelle: Get in here and Pigeon Drop this slut!
Styles: Wow. Look at that icy stare from Pigeon. What in the world is going on between these two? Look out!
SW: Oh baby! Trey just pantsed Michelle!
Styles: Oh dear lord.
SW: Wow, that's gotta be like seeing your sister's ass, huh, Styles?
Styles: Yes, it's rather uncomfortable, thanks.
SW: Man, I hope somebody has a pic of the other side.
Styles: Would you please? This is a wrestling show! Not a sex show!
SW: Hey, you put bisexual in the description, all bets are off.
Styles: Superkick connects! And Michelle may be out after that. Pigeon's in. Russian leg sweep on Misty! And Trey is in to protect his woman, but Generic Ref is forcing Trey to get out. Look at Pigeon! He's choking Misty! What a scumbag.
SW: As opposed to who? Trey?
Styles: Hmm...fair point. Nobody in this match has much in the way of morals. Or anybody in BOB, really.
SW: Yeah. BOB needs an ass-kicking savior. Think he's gonna be good?
Styles: Hopefully we'll find out by the end of the night and won't disappoint everybody who paid expecting somebody special to show up tonight, like some other company I could name.
SW: If they bought a BOB show, I doubt their expectations are very high.
Styles: Michelle now putting the boots to Misty.
SW: Oh, listen to her grunt. I bet Pigeon is wishing he'd hear this more often.
Styles: What is Michelle doing here? Oh, woman! That's gotta hurt. She just jammed both knees into Misty's, well...breasts. I don't even know what to call that, it was almost like a reverse backcracker.
SW: A titblower?
Styles: Cover! One! Two! And Trey just interrupted the pin. And now Trey makes the tag in. Which means Pigeon's gotta come in as well. Pigeon reluctantly gets in. He charges right into a spinebuster!
SW: That was his Scrub-buster, Styles. Don't you know anything?
Styles: Sorry. He names all his moves. It's kinda hard to keep track. Pigeon whipped to the ropes. Thesz Press and oooooh. Repeated knees to the groin! Vincent dragging up Pigeon. There's a kick and a--
SW: Shocking Conclusion. Not a stunner, Styles. Just saving you the embarrassment.
Styles: I knew that one. Vincent dragging an almost lifeless Pigeon up once again. Oh NO! Fisherman-buster!
SW: It's called Through The Roof, Styles. In honor of the buyrates for every show Trey Vincent is on. Or the huge Trey Vincent ratings, if we ever get on television again.
TV: Your boy isn't looking too good, Michelle.
Michelle: Your money sure did when you were in that coma!
TV: Oh, you whore.
Styles: Vincent dragging up Pigeon again. Now what? Oh no! Trey is pulling out one of the rarest, but most deadly moves in his arsenal. The TV-Breaker, his version of the reverse Gory special piledriver, Scotty!
SW: I don't think I've ever seen him hit this in BOB! Well, now I have. Damn! Pigeon's all done now.
Styles: And Trey tags out to Misty? Oh you've got to be kidding. Michelle charges at Misty, but she gets a drop toe hold, uh, right into Pigeon's, um, crotch.
SW: Sadly, that's the closest Michelle's ever been to that area with Pigeon.
Styles: Misty pulls up Michelle. Uh-oh. Here comes the 69 piledriver. Hold on, what's Trey doing? Misty's got her ready, but, Trey wants to take a picture with his cell phone camera? What a sick mother. Scotty?
SW: What? That's hot! They're both crotch to mouth!
Styles: And finally, Misty spikes Michelle with the 69 piledriver. Cover. One. Two. Three. Damn!
SW: Finally. Trey with some revenge.
NH: Here are your winner, Trey Vincent and Misty Waters.
Styles: And Trey taking another picture of the losing tag team, Pigeon and Michelle.
SW: I hope Trey's gonna text message that picture to Michelle later! Hahaha!
Styles: Be careful, Scotty. She's still your boss.
SW: Yeah, but I'm trying to get fired. Or get a raise. Either works.
Styles: Well fans, up next, we've got The Fall Of Man, consisting of Soem Guy In A Mask, Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano doing battle with two men they drugged and kidnapped at Novemember in Nowhere, Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker, as well as iAd-hanger-on, XXXtreme Machine.
SW: Hold on, Styles. Michelle's got the mic.
Michelle: What the hell is wrong with you? I've given you the best months of my life! And you can't even beat up a guy who was in a coma for a year and some softcore porn joke of a wrestler? What's wrong with you?
Styles: Pigeon isn't looking too happy.
SW: Why should he? He hasn't gotten laid in months!
Michelle: You know what? Maybe you like being deprived. Maybe you never want to have sex with me. Because that's the way you're heading. What about you? *Pffft* What about you is right.
[Michelle starts to walk away, but Pigeon grabs her leg, tripping her.]
Michelle: Hey! Get your hands off me! You can't touch me after losing! You know the rules.
[Pigeon yanks the microphone away from her and pulls her to her feet.]
Pigeon: Yeah. I know the rules. But here's a new rule you might be interested in. After all, a new horizon is upon us.
[Pigeon kicks her in the stomach and hits a Pigeon Drop on her! The crowd pops in disbelief.]
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: Holy crap! Michelle just got Pigeon Dropped!
Pigeon: And that new rule is...tease the Pigeon...nevermore!
[Pigeon drops the mic, drops to the mat and rolls out of the ring. He flaps his arms, looking back toward the ring with a sick smile on his face. The crowd is more stunned than anything.]
["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" hits. XXXtreme Machine enters crawling attached a leash, held by Steve Studnuts. Seth Harker walks behind them.]
XM: wof wuf!!
SW: Look, it's DoGGGtreme Machine.
Styles: In a career full of embarrassments, this is XXXtreme Machine's latest.
NH: The following is a six-man tag team match. Introducing first, now making their way to the ring. First, crawling and barking like a retarded dog, this is XXXtreme Machine. And his tag team partners. They represent the incurable Apathy disorder. First, from Phoenix, Arizona, Steve Studnuts. And from Parts Unknown, Seth Harker!
Styles: I see Studnuts and Harker made it back from the middle of soemwhere after they were kidnapped by Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano and Soem Guy In A Mask.
SW: Think XXXtreme Machine knows any tricks, besides how to play jobber?
["Soemwhere I Belong" plays next. The trio of masked men slowly walks down the aisle.]
NH: And their opponents. From Soemwhere, Insano Mano, Kamikazie Ken and Soem Guy In A Mask, the Fall Of Man!
Styles: I can't wait to find out why they're targeting the iAd, Scotty.
SW: Target the iAd, get a semi-main event level match. It's not that hard to figure.
Styles: And we've got XXXtreme Machine and Insano Mano to start. These guys have had quite a crazy couple of months, with XXXtreme Machine actually stealing the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS away from Insano Mano while dressed up AS Insano Mano.
SW: And he needed the iAd to lay out everyone before he could ever come close to winning. Not to mention their brains to think of the devious plan, and the cash for all those Mano suits.
Styles: Wristlock by XXXtreme Machine. Or as close as he'll ever get to executing one. Mano with a beautiful hoodanconrana to counter.
SW: Bwahahaha! Did you see XXXtreme Machine land on his head? Priceless.
Styles: Mano with an Asai crucifix pin? Good lord! One! Two! No, XXXtreme Machine kicks out. And XXXtreme Machine charges, but Mano ducks. Sunset flip by XXXtreme Machine, but it only gets a one.
SW: Look, Studs is using a dog whistle. And XXXtreme Machine responds! And there's a tag in to Studnuts. Look at this, Styles. Harker is tying XXXtreme Machine's leash to the top rope so he doesn't chase any mailmen or eat any babies.
Styles: Soem Guy In A Mask tags in as well. Studnuts now can exact some revenge on the man who orchestrated the kidnapping of himself and Seth Harker last month during November In Nowhere. And Studnuts unloads with a kick to Soem Guy.
SW: That was soem kick.
Styles: Soem Guy responds with several kicks to Studnuts thighs. Quick tag to Kamikazie Ken who enters the match with a somersault dropkick that takes Studnuts down.
SW: Can you imagine Christmas at Ken's house? Stringing up the broken lights, trimming the tree with barbed wire, and sprinkling the tree with thumbtacks. I'm sure it's a very hardcore Christmas.
Styles: Studnuts kicks out. And now Studnuts tags out to Harker. Ken swinging and kicking, but Harker blocking every blow with forearms. Ken avoids a dropkick to the shins, but Harker with a quick rollup. One, two, and no.
SW: Studnuts whacking XXXtreme Machine with a rolled up newspaper. Bad doggy. Bwahahaha! And Harker just took out Ken's artificial legs with that dropkick.
Styles: Studnuts tags back in. Big powerslam by Studnuts. Oh, come on, now Studnuts is choking XXXtreme Machine and ordering him to shake hands? And I guess that's going to count as a tag?
SW: Maybe Studnuts will give him some doggy biscuits if XXXtreme doesn't job.
Styles: Double stomp to Ken's midsection by XXXtreme Machine. And now the blue-haired freak drops an elbow. And there's another double stomp. XXXtreme drops the leg.
SW: Studnuts blowing the dog whistle again. And XXXtreme responds again! Seth once again leashing XXXtreme to the top rope so he won't run away as Studnuts goes back into the match.
Styles: Studnuts has Ken up. Oh no! F5 slam!
SW: That was refreshing.
Styles: Tag into Harker. Slingshot splash connects. And Ken is in some serious trouble here, Scotty.
SW: His mother gave birth to him when she was skydiving. He was born in trouble.
Styles: Is that true?
SW: It could be. I'd have to check with Skeeter, but it's hard to catch him online, so I just make shit up about his characters.
Styles: Two, and no! Ken kicks out, but he needs to make a tag. Harker picks up Ken for a suuplex, but Ken lands on his feet and dives for the tag to Mano! Shooting star crossbody block! One! Two! No! Corkscrew dropkick to Harker's face! Damn!
SW: Mano tags to Ken? Why? Ken was getting destroyed less than a minute ago. Now he's totally recovered? Was that a magical tag or something?
Styles: Mano has Harker over his shoulder as Ken heads to the top rope. Ken with a double underhook on Harker.
[Holy shit pop!]
Styles: Sitout pedigree from the top rope on Harker! Oh my GOD!
SW: Just call him Triple-K...Actually, on second though, maybe you better not.
Styles: One, two and...no! How did Harker kick out of that?
SW: Oh, come on, cruiserweighs no-sell shit like that all the time.
Styles: Split-legged double knee drop! Oh my GOD! This match is insane.
Styles: Speaking of, Ken tags in Mano. Asai elbow drop! One, two and...no! Roaring Mexican spike to Harker's throat! And Ken tags back in. Ken heading to the middle rope this time as Mano hands him up to him. Sitout slam from the middle rope. Cover. One, two...and Studnuts kicks Ken in the face to break that cover up.
SW: If this match were a person, it would be so high right now.
Styles: Styles: Harker with some rapid-fire punches to Ken's chest and midsection. Where is he getting this from? Rolling sidekick by Harker connects. And Harker FINALLY gets the tag.
SW: Yeah, but it was to XXXtreme Machine. Is that REALLY a good thing?
Styles: Modified crossbody from the top.
SW: Pretty sad when you screw up THAT move. That was an XXXtremely bad.
Styles: Ken with a hoodanconrana. Tag in to Soem Guy. Springboard sidekick by Soem Guy. You still a big fan of Soem Guy's ass, Scotty?
SW: Shut up, Styles. I'm so not looking at that ass right now.
Styles: XXXtreme Machine with a wild clothesline attempt, but Soem Guy with a Matrix-like bridge.
Seth: Hey, quit stealing my bit.
SW: Oh baby! I mean...ewwww!
Styles: Been to San Fierro lately? Oh, what a kick to XXXtreme's face. Hoodanconrana takes XXXtreme Machine through thhe ropes to the floor. Incoming!
[Another holy shit pop!]
Styles: Springboard hoodanconranra from the top rope all the way to the floor. XXXtreme Machine is down and hurt.
SW: All hell is breaking loose now on the floor. Look out!
Styles: Soem Guy is choking XXXtreme Machine with that leash. Studnuts and Mano are brawling near us, and Ken and Harker are brwling on the far side. Harker dumped, and Ken heading up top? 450 splash to the floor misses! Oh my GOD! And the fans are loving this train wreck.
SW: Hot Guy...SOEM GUY! Shit! Tits, tits, tits!
Styles: Poor Scotty. Soem Guy with a cover as the brawl finally settles down around the ring. Two and kickout by XXXtreme Machine once again.
SW: Man, XXXtreme Machine would've had his nose shoved in his own dookie if he didn't kick out.
Styles: Tag in to Ken. How is he even walking? About to make a wish? No. They're about to play some kickballs instead.
Crowd: Ballkick! Ballkick! Ballkick! Ballkick! Wooooooooah BALLKICK!
Styles: Oh. My. God.
SW: Well, at least that guarantees XXXtreme Machine won't be able to reproduce.
Styles: Ken launches XXXtreme up, and, oh man, what an XXXtremely painful way to land...nuts first on both of Ken's knees.
SW: It just wouldn't be the holidays without a little "Nutcracker." And this spares you of all that faggy prancing.
Styles: Mano in now. Slam on XXXtreme. And here comes a dragon sleeper, attempting to put XXXtreme Machine unconscious.
SW: Gotta love the iAd letting XXXtreme Machine take this beating. And the best part? If he loses this match for the team, he'll get beat down even more!
Styles: All XXXtreme Machine wants for Christmas is a tag to either Harker or Studnuts at this point. Soem Guy back in. XXXtreme Machine to the ropes. Double leaping leg clothesline by Mano and Soem Guy. Beautiful. And I wasn't talking about Soem Guy's body just now, Scotty.
SW: Stop it! I'M NOT GAY!
Styles: Are you Da Sassy One now? You're sure doing a great impersonation. Nice double team move there as well by Soem Guy and Mano. Here comes Ken. 360 double stomp from the top!
SW: Get the bucket and mop ready, Flunky. We may see our second vomiting incident of the night after that. Yowza.
Styles: Ken's got XXXtreme Machine now. Northern lights...coming? Maybe? Ken making XXXtreme Machine think about it.
SW: Yeah, he's probably like, "kwet teh bowlshit n jest hot teh fukin moov fuker!"
Styles: And finally, Ken hits the suplex with a bridge. One, two, and...no. XXXtreme Machine kicks out again.
SW: Your retard in peril.
Styles: Tag to Soem Guy again. His style is so familiar, but I just can't place it. It's almost like Japanese meets luchadore. Discus punch by Soem Guy connects, and XXXtreme Machine is down again. Tag back to Ken. Punch by Ken. Punch by Soem Guy. They're punching him back and forth here, Scotty.
SW: Yeah, it'd be sad if it weren't so funny!
Styles: XXXtreme ducks. Double clothesline. Can he make the tag? Studnuts is blowing that dog whistle like crazy. And there it is. Studnuts is in the ring. Overhead belly to belly on Soem Guy! Jackhammer for Ken! There's a tag to Harker. Frog splash connects on Kamikazie Ken. Studnuts pulls up Ken by the throat as Harker heads outside. Studnuts has Ken up. Springboard dropkick and Studnuts with a spinebuster slam!
SW: It's a good thing Ken's other job is a crash test dummy, or else he'd be dead by now.
Styles: It looks like Harker and Studnuts are about to do the same thing to Mano now. But Soem Guy just crotched Harker on the top rope. Oh, and Ken takes out Studnuts's legs with a leg sweep. Mano heading up top. Insano-sault on Harker connects!
SW: Soem Guy with a spin kick to Studnuts chest. Here comes another one. Studnuts catches Soem Guy. What the? He's got a needle!
Styles: Oh no! Studnuts just injected Soem Guy in a Mask with....soemthing.
SW: We may find out who Soem Guy is after he passes out from whatever that is.
Styles: Enzugeri to Studnuts. And Soem Guy is hobbling out of the ring. He's leaving the match?
SW: What? Why?
Styles: Apparently, Soem Guy really doesn't want anybody to find out who he is.
SW: Oh God! Studnuts just smashed Ken in the face with that syringe! Didn't Generic Ref see that?
Styles: No. He's too busy trying to unleash his leg from XXXtreme Machine. Harker up top with Mano. Mano just superplexed onto Ken! And Soem Guy has left the building. Can we get a camera to follow him? No?
SW: Styles, we don't have a director. Are you serious?
Styles: One of these days...Studnuts dragging up Ken. Pumphandle piledriver with an spike assist from XXXtreme Machine. Harker's got Mano set up on top again. He's telling XXXtreme Machine to hit the XXXtreme Stunner! And there it is! Harker springs up top. The Nightbringer connects! And now Studnuts going in for the grand finale. Death Valley of the Sun Driver on Insano Mano. One! Two! Three! THEYGOTTHEM!
NH: Here are you winners, XXXtreme Machine, Seth Harker and Steve Studnuts!
SW: Well, they sure got the victory, but they still don't know who Soem Guy In A Mask is. He smartly escaped from the ring before he passed out and could be depantsed. DeMASKED! Pussy! I love pussy!
Styles: Well fans, we've only got one more match to go. And it's for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Hold on. I understand we have breaking news backstage? Let's quickly go somewhere into the hotel.
[We cut to a different ballroom in the hotel. Somebody is being placed on a gurney out of a pile of shattered tables.]
BigBOSS: What happened here?
Paramedic: Somebody attacked this man.
BigBOSS: Right. But who broke all these tables? This wasn't in my budget!
[Trey Vincent strolls in.]
TV: Aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair.
BigB: Don't tell me there's a camera behind me.
TV: There's a camera behind you.
BigB: I asked you not to tell me that.
[BigBOSS looks at the camera.]
BigB: I'm hopped up on painkillers.
TV: Oh, hey Kurt. How's it going?
BigB: That's Kurt? Kurt Angel?
TV: Kurt! I said hello! Can't you at least say hello back? Douchebag.
Paramedic: Sir, this man is unconscious.
TV: Oh. Well, it's still rude. Did he overdose again?
Paramedic: No! Somebody assaulted him. Look at the blood. And the broken tables.
TV: Well, that explains the blood. But why's he covered in puke?
[Suddenly, from the corner of the room...]
TV: Oh, shit. douja? You're still here?
BigB: You're still vomiting?
TV: douja! I asked you a question! Douchebag.
Paramedic: We've got to get this man to the hospital.
BigB: Yeah...he doesn't have any insurance.
Paramedic 2: We've got to get this man to the veterinarian!
Dr. Silaconne M. Plants: What's going on here? It's time for my match! How dare you cut into my air time!
TV: Sil, Kurt got attacked.
SMP: Tell him to get attacked on his own time. It's main event time.
[SMP storms off.]
Kurt: *Coughcough* High*coughcough*
TV: No, Kurt, you can't get high right now.
[They start wheeling Kurt out. Trey flips off Kurt.]
TV: How many fingers am I holding up, Kurt?
TV: Huh? I'm trying to help. Alright, I'm not really...Hey...who are those scrubs?
[As they near the closest exit, three men are standing in the hallway, blocking the exit.]
BigB: That's raYne, Tony Spaghetti and Steve Roydz.
TV: No, Kurt, you can't get high now.
BigB: Maybe he's just saying "hi."
TV: Oh. Well, hi, Kurt!
TV: Yeah. (Trey waves at him.) Hey, jackfucks, get out of the way.
[The trio don't move for a few seconds, before smiling and walking away. The medics continue wheeling Kurt away.]
Kurt: High arky.
TV: High arky? What's that?
BigB: Beats me.
TV: No, he's the one that got beat. I'd care, but I've got to go find Misty. Have fun with Eliza and your wife, you kinky little bastard.
[Trey walks away.]
["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits, and the crowd pops upon hearing it. Wow, they really like Sade! Oh wait, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants steps out from the back, getting even more cheers when he actually walks out. I guess the pop was for Plants. Anyway, he walks down the aisle, pretending he's going to slap hands, only to take his hand away. He also rips up somebody who has a poster of SAVE_US.N13.]
SMP: That "Second Coming" guy is really starting to piss me off!
SW: I seriously hope we didn't resign Niege. SMP will kill everyone involved in that decision.
Styles: I guess we'll find out tonight. Maybe. Stay tuned!
SW: Stay tuned? They're paying for this! We already got their money. Actually, wait. Second coming? Maybe that was Sir Hungalot?
["I Am The Champion" by Death & The Deathtones plays next. Death gets booed a bit. Or maybe that's for the song? Who knows. Anyway, Death steps out, raises his scythe and THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in the air before slowly walking down the aisle. Katie Death, his wife (and also a brilliant social commentary of some sort, no doubt, as all zombies are), shuffles along behind him. He pauses to high five some guy on crutches. The dude immediately grabs his chest and falls over.]
Death: Whoops! My bad.
SW: Oh, man! That's gotta be intimidating if you're SMP. Death already has struck once tonight.
Styles: Let's send this one up to Nurse Heidi for the introductions.
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event. It is schedule for one fall, with DVD time remaining. Your referee is Generic Ref.
Styles: Wow. Wasn't expecting that.
NH: Introducing first, the challenger. From Naples, Italy. He weighs in at 240 pounds. He is, The Dirties Boobie Enhancer In Wrestling Today. The Sinister Surgeon. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
NH: And his opponent. From the Netherworld. His weight, is unknown. He is accompanied to the ring tonight buy his valet and wife, Katie Death. He is the reigning, and defending, ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Ladies and gentlemen, this is God's Hitman...Big Bony...Death!
Styles: This is going to be good, Scotty.
SW: You'd think that, wouldn't you? You always forget, this is BOB. Nothing goes good here.
Styles: I'm anticipating a classic between two of BOB's biggest icons of all time. We've got the bell. And this one is underway. Lockup. SMP avoids the knee lift and locks in a headlock. But Death easily shoves SMP off.
SW: Oh, man, SMP has one of Death's three major moves scouted: the knee lift. This could be trouble for Death, Styles.
Styles: Another lockup, and Death shoves SMP down to the mat. What power shown by Death.
SW: He sure can't be accused of juicing up on steroids. He doesn't have any muscles! He's nothing but bones.
Styles: But he has some other-worldly strength, as he is displaying here. Another lockup, and SMP goes down again. And the crowd doesn't like this one bit. Here we go again. And once again, SMP is shoved down to the mat. SMP heading to the floor for a breather, as the challenger is looking frustrated early here.
SW: I would be too, if I were stuck in the opening seconds of a bad '80s match.
Styles: Heidi trying to give SMP some focus.
SW: The only thing I could focus on are those beautiful jugs. Humina humina humina.
Styles: SMP cautiously back into the ring. Lockup, no, as SMP quickly grabs a side headlock on the champion. Death, of course, won the OWTTM at Appetite for Burritos in record time when he defeated XXXtreme Machine. He's been dominating ever since.
SW: Give me a match against either member of Lay-Z, and I'd look like a great champion, too, Styles.
Styles: And you suck!
SW: Exactly. Hey!
Styles: SMP with a quick rollup! One! No. Death grabs SMP. Sidewalk slam coming up NO! SMP with a reversal into a Russian leg sweep! Don't think I've ever seen that one before.
SW: Yeah, well, before SMP, you never saw a 54-Double-L breast implant before.
Styles: I don't think I've seen that yet.
Styles: How does she stand up?
SW: With great difficulty.
Styles: Right. Big foot by Death. Cover! One! Two! And, no! SMP, once again, rolls out of the ring. Is SMP frustrated here, or is he the one trying to frustrate Death?
SW: Maybe he's trying to frustrate the fans, who came here to see a match, not a pause fest.
Styles: I think SMP is wrestling smart here. SMP is a thinking-man's wrestler. SMP now chasing after Katie, but here comes Death out to protect his dead woman. SMP back inside, and he gets the jump on Death as he gets back inside.
SW: I still can't believe somebody thought Katie Vicks was a good idea. The worst in wrestling is HERE, not at Wrestlecrap. Well, alright, actually the WORST in wrestling is at TNA, but we're a close second...
Styles: Well, now she's "married" to Death.
SW: Think we'll see the first ever zombie cheerleader vs. nurse cat fight in wrestling history?
Styles: With Trey in charge? You can bank on that. Death slips through a slam attempt. Sidewalk slam connects this time from Death. Death pulls up SMP and whips him to the corner. Running clothesline connects! And now Death burying those knees in SMP's midsection. Oh, and what an elbow to the side of SMP's skull. And now Death choking SMP with that foot.
SW: It's got to eat away at SMP that Axl of all people beat him to the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
Styles: Well, with a three count tonight, SMP can put all the talk about him not being able to win the OWTTM behind him.
SW: Yeah, but first, he's gotta stop getting choked.
Styles: Would YOU want to disqualify Death?
SW: Generic Ref doing the right thing. There's gotta be nothing worse than getting killed by Death...well, aside from BigBOSS bringing you back from the dead to work for minimum wage again.
Styles: If the checks don't bounce. Death going for an abdonimanl...abddombal....bumble stretch!
SW: The hell's wrong with you tonight, Styles? You're getting all messed up. You dipping into the egg nog?
Styles: *Ahem* Whoawhoawhoa, SMP escapes and rolls him up! Two and, no! Big clothesline by Death takes down SMP.
SW: (Don't Fear) Jobbing To The Reaper, SMP!
Styles: Death now kicking SMP when he's down. SMP trying to evade those kicks, but he's treating SMP like a football.
SW: I'd love to split Heidi's uprights.
Styles: SMP drives an elbow into Death's head. And another. But a third one misses. Death's got him. SMP with an eye socket poke, but it has no effect! Death nails him with a backbreaker. One, two, and...no! SMP kicks out. Still a lot of life left in the veteran who has done it all in his career except win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
SW: Or the Swiss Army Belt.
Styles: Death now has SMP in a chinlock, and he's really putting the pressure on SMP's neck here, perhaps weakening SMP for the Netherworld Powerbomb later on, Scotty.
SW: Death could just poke him with the Touch of Death already. Why isn't he? Retarded strategy here in my opinion.
[Death's head whips around in Scotty's direction.]
SW: In my SCRIPT'S opinion! Trey wrote it! I swear! I just read this shit!
Styles: Scotty! Now you don't have a script.
SW: I wipe my ASS with this script, Death! Really!
Styles: Great, now Scotty's going to improvise. Just what we needed at the end of our show.
SW: SMP fighting out of the resthold. I mean, chinlock. That is a chinlock, right? I haven't seen one in so long, I can't remember.
Styles: Yes, it is, Scotty. Do you need to share my script?
SW: No, no. I'm great.
Styles: SMP is fighting back with lefts and rights. The Sinister Surgeon is using his educated hands all over Death's skeleton! And that shot just sent Death out of the ring! And the crowd is loving it!
Crowd: SMP! SMP! SMP! SMP!
SW: Why do I suddenly have the urge to piss? Great.
Styles: It's almost over, Scotty.
SW: If I get bladder cancer, I blame you, Styles.
Styles: What is this. SMP with a PLANCHA! SMP pulling out all the stops here, Scotty.
SW: And Heidi just rolled in the ring. Whoa. I guess Heidi's a G-string diva tonight! Oh baby!
Styles: Heidi no doubt in the ring for the distraction. And Katie Death doesn't like it one bit.
Styles: Heidi charges! ZOMBIE CHEERLEADER NURSE CAT FIGHT! ZOMBIE CHEERLEADER NURSE CAT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
SW: Is Katie a zombian? She sure looks like she's enjoying rolling around with Heidi.
Styles: Well, Generic Ref SHOULD be breaking it up, but it looks like he's enjoying it too much. Meanwhile, SMP and Death are brawling out here on the floor, with SMP in control at the moment as he's repeatedly jabbing Death in the skull with a scalpel.
SW: No doubt, Death would be a bloody mess, if he had any blood to bleed.
Styles: Oh, and SMP is rammed back first into the Flimsy Guardrail®! Death charges and foots him into the first row of fans.
SW: I hope nobody steals his wallet. These fans look shady.
Styles: You think he wrestles with his wallet?
SW: Would you leave your wallet backstage with OUR employees?
Styles: Hmm. Good point...Maybe I should go...
SW: No, if I have to wait to piss, you have to now get stolen from.
Styles: Death now in the crowd as well. He charges! Oh, SMP grabs his foot. And now SMP launches Death heels over head! Oh my GOD! Did you see how Death just landed?
SW: Yeah. He looks like something he'd do to somebody! Hey, why are Heidi and Katie smoking in the ring?
Styles: I guess it was a really good cat fight.
SW: Yeah, it must've been. Generic Ref's smoking, too!
Styles: Lookout! SMP's got Death. Piledriver on the floor! That could compact Death's spine!
SW: Yeah! And he's ALL spine! Oh no!
Crowd: SMP! SMP! SMP!
Styles: Many in the crowd definitely wants to see a new champion crowned here tonight.
SW: Nobody wants to chant for Death. It would just sound creepy.
Styles: Oh no! No! SMP hits a second piledriver on the floor! If SMP can get Death into the ring, he may have the victory right here. SMP dragging Death's limp body, and how ironic is that?
SW: I'm definitely not limp after that Heidi/Katie catfight.
Styles: Too much information, as usual, Scotty! SMP's got Death back inside! This should be it! One! Two! ThreeNO! Death got the shoulder up somehow! Unbelievable. SMP shoves Generic Ref. But Generic Ref shoves him back. SMP shoves Generic Ref down to the mat!
GR: OK! OK! I'll count faster next time! Sorry!
SW: Wow, Generic Ref is the first guy I've seen cave in to tactics like that before!
Styles: Now Death is REALLY in trouble!
SW: Yeah. SMP's intimidated the referee. Death doesn't have any backup from the Skull & Bones Society. And Katie lost the catfight.
Styles: SMP setting up Death and he heads to the middle rope. SMP with a big knee drop! He pulls up Death. And there is a swinging neckbreaker, as Death now targeting Death's neck and spine, no doubt looking for the Nipple Cutter.
SW: Hey, Katie! Fresh brains right here!
Styles: Stop pointing at me. I don't want my brains eaten! Death misses a clothesline. SMP just dove at Death's knees like Death was a quarterback and SMP was a defensive lineman. Cheap shot city. Aside from hurting Death's knees there, Death also just landed skull first.
SW: I've never seen anyone take it to Death before like this.
Styles: Ironically now, Death is in jeopardy.
Styles: SMP was on "Sports Entertainer Jeopardy!" last week.
SW: Oh, right. How ironic. Let me roll my eyes really loudly so everyone can hear them. *Rolls eyes*
Styles: Ewww. Please don't do that again. Ever!
SW: *Rolls eyes*
Styles: Stop that! SMP heading up to the second rope. Death caught him. Inverted atomic drop! Oh no! Here it comes! Netherworld Powerbomb! No! SMP with a sunset flip! Onetwono!
SW: Wow, Generic Ref sure counted fast there.
Styles: SMP up. And SMP down. Big spinebuster there from Death.
SW: Ah, what would a main event be without at least one spinebuster.
Styles: Uh-oh. Death's got SMP. Oh my GOD! He just ran him crotch first into the middle turnbuckle!
SW: Heidi! If you need a ride later, I'm available!
NH: What? You don't have a car.
SW: I never said I did!
SW: What? SMP won't be in any condition to bang her.
Styles: Now Death heading up top? Oh no! We've seen this one before, Scotty! And it's something that SMP will have NO way to get up from! Supernetherbomb!
SW: No way! Oh no!
Styles: Death's got him. But SMP is holding on for dear life to that top rope. SMP trying to fight out of it. They're trading shots up there on top! SMP with an elbow shot to Death's jaw. Oh no!
Styles: Nipple Cutter from the top! OH MY GOD! This one's all over now if SMP can just roll over and make the cover!
SW: Wow, Generic Ref just rolled SMP over!
[The lights go out.]
Styles: What the hell?
SW: Oh no. Is this Boo! Monday all over again?
Styles: I don't think so.
[Various cameras flash.]
Styles: I can't see what's happening in the ring.
SW: I see a bunch of people walking around the outside of the ring.
Styles: No you don't. It's FAR TOO DARK to see ANYTHING Scotty!
SW: But all the cameras are flashing. And look at the ambient lighting.
[The lights returned to normal.]
Styles: What the? We've got company surrounding the ring.
SW: It's those three jerkoffs from the Hierarchy.
Styles: Joe, Jim and Jon?
SW: Yeah. And those three losers who were hanging around earlier...
Styles: Tony Spaghetti, raYne and Steve Roydz?
SW: Yeah! And...that guy!
SW: Right. And you thought I needed a script to do this? Please. I'm awesome!
Styles: Well, you didn't notice Pete Trable was also out here.
SW: He is? I can't see him.
Styles: He's right there!
SW: Nope. I can't see him. His time must be now?
Styles: Death and SMP are both up now, and it looks like they're ready to fight off the Hierarchy.
[Lights cut off again. The 2-Cheap-2-Own TV lights up with red, white and green numbers changing rapidly.]
SW: If some metrosexual looking has-been shows up, shoot me.
[Slowly, some of the numbers faded away, leaving only one message: "The New Horizon... Is Upon_Us"]
SW: Oh, come on! The second coming is Axl? Even Niege would've been better.
Styles: His name is actually spelled Neige.
SW: I know. I just do that to piss him off.
[Axl's face appears on the TV.]
Axl: Death. SMP. The New Horizon has been long coming. The old guard has stood in our way for far too long. Soon, very soon, an event will transpire that will shake BOB... and the entire world of e-parody-sports-entertainment... to its very core. The old regime shall give way for the new... and on January 19, 2008, the war... shall officially begin. And the first shot shall be fired... at the most influential event in e-wrestling history... New Horizon! Ask yourselves one question...Are you ready?
SW: Oh, I know this part. Suck it!
Styles: Wrong fed, Scotty.
SW: What? I was just telling Axl to suck it.
[The screen goes to static, the lights return, and everyone who had been surrounding the ring are gone.]
[In the ring is a man dressed in lime green with a headset microphone.]
???: BOB has been infected...with a Viruz. I am the man who hacked into November in Nowhere. I am the man who hacked into your homepage. I am Axl's brother. I am--
SW: Boring me to tears?
Viruz: --declaring war upon the old guard. There is no vaccination against...the Hierarchy.
[He reaches into his pocket and throws something to the mat. But nothing happens.]
Viruz: Damn cheap smoke bombs!
Styles: SMP's got Viruz. He throws him to Death! Touch of Death!
SW: Well I guess there IS a cure for the Viruz virus! Hooray!
Styles: Generic Ref shoving Viruz out of the ring. And we've STILL got a match going on, by the way, even though Axl may have just cost Plants the title after that top rope Nipple Cutter.
SW: Nothing like some On-Demand hype during your main event. Fuck.
Styles: SMP charges and rams Death with a knee. SMP turning the tables on the champion there. SMP with a snap suplex! Now SMP heading up top? Death's up.
Styles: Oh my GOD! He just connected with that bony foot to SMP's skull.
SW: Did all those Hierarchy guys hide under the ring, or was that just my eyes playing tricks on me in the dark?
Styles: I'm sure it was just an illusion, Scotty. Will you focus on the match, please?
Styles: Death looking for a superplex here on the challenger. SMP with an uppercut to Death's jaw. SMP slips behind. No way! SCALPEL'S EDGE! He got it! COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Death just barely got a toe on the bottom rope! Those long legs sure came in handy there. What does SMP have to do to win?
SW: He has to kill Death. But HOW do you kill Death? Can you?
Styles: Death has been pinned before. It can be done. SMP has used both the Scalpel's Edge and the Nipple Cutter, both those weren't enough to get the job done. What's left in the Sinister Surgeon's arsenal?
SW: Two words: Med Degree!
Styles: Right you are! SMP's got Death's arms hooked. No! Death lifting SMP up over his back. Oh no! SMP just driven hard into the mat. One! Two! Plants kicks out! What a main event you're seeing here at MegaBrawl fans! Both icons putting it all on the line for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
SW: But who will get the only pinfall that matters? My money's still on *mumbles*
SW: You know! *mumbles*
Styles: Right. What a bold prediction there, Scotty. Death's got Plants now. Netherworld Powerbomb! He hit it! This one's gotta be all over now! Death hooks the leg! One! Two! NO! Plants kicked out!
SW: He did?
Styles: Now what's Death doing. Here comes a sharpshooter? Have you ever seen Death use this move before?
SW: He is Death's hitman. He's the Death there is, the Death there was--
Styles: Yeah, yeah, Death there ever will be. Got it. Plants is now in one of the most painful submission holds ever. It's all on the line right now. Submit, or escape. And that back is going to be severely tested after just absorbing that Netherworld Powerbomb from Death.
SW: I hope Plants can prescribe himself some pain pills. He's gonna need them after this one.
Styles: Look at Plants. He's elbowing away on Death's shin.
SW: Does that hurt Death or Plants worse? He's hitting a bone!
Styles: It's working. Death's losing his grip. No way! Now Plants has Death locked in the sharpshooter! What an amazing reversal by the Dirties Boobie Enhancer in the Game. No way! It's an MDFU! Death is all locked up.
SW: MDFU? Does that stand for Medical Doctor Fuck Up?
Styles: Sure. Why not. Death trying to claw his way toward the ropes, but all of Plants body weight is on top of him! The fans are electric. Plants may just be moments away from winning the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!
*Ding ding ding!*
Styles: It's over! It's over! Plants did it! Death must have submitted! We've got a NEW ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! OH MY GOD!
SW: I didn't see him tap out, Styles.
Styles: He must have verbally quit, Scotty! What a moment! What a match! What an EXTREME MEGABRAWL!
SW: Heid's got the mic.
[Generic Ref talks to Heidi.]
SW: Uh-oh. Heidi doesn't like what Generic Ref is telling her.
NH: *Sigh* Ladies and gentlemen, the time limit in this match has expired. Therefore, the match is a draw!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Styles, you moron! Don't you look like a total ass now.
NH: And on a draw, the champion retains. So, STILL, the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS...Death.
Styles: Plants is LIVID!
SW: Yeah, Generic Ref! Why didn't you just say Plants won? He's in so much trouble...
Styles: And there's Death with a low blow on Plants from behind. Oh no! Another Netherworld Powerbomb coming up?
[Death is behind Plants and it looks like another powerbomb is coming, when suddenly the lights go out.]
((Click on the video above to view it))
[The lights come back up, and while Death is nowhere to be found, Luke Warm is standing in the ring! HUGE POP!]
Styles: OH MY GOD! It's Luke Warm! STONECUTTER on the unsuspecting Plants! Luke Warm is back in BOB!
SW: Wow! This is much better than Niege. Trey really came through!
Styles: Warm, a legendary figure in the defunct Stereo Type Wrestling Federation, where he held the North American Title, as well as the STWF/MBC/RDWA "3-4-1" Tag Belts, with Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
[Luke produces a Yoo-Hoo bottle from nowhere and chugs it sloppily and triumphantly, then grabs a mic.]
Luke Warm: Well, well, well, look what we have here. The thirstiest S.O.B. to ever step into the squared circle... FINALLY... THE LUKE... HAS COME BACK... to... uh... (leans over to the announcers) What the heck is this place called again?
LW: HAS COME BACK... to BOB!!!
LW: So yeah, I'm back. I guess. First thing's first, though. I'd like to thank Rick Bogner for filling in for me from time to time while I was off for the last couple years. Near as I can tell, he did a pretty damn good job, and no one was any the wiser!
LW: So at this point you're asking yourself, what's the thirstiest S.O.B. in the STW- uh, BOB, was it? Right. What's the thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB doing back, and where's he been? Well, when the ol' Slobberknocker Arena finally closed down, not everyone got the memo, so a couple of us kept showing up for cards every couple weeks. Those were pretty small shows, not so well attended, and when they finally got around to chaining the place up, we were in there. Yeah, I'm not going to talk much more about that, because it's behind us now.
LW: After I made it out of the Arena, Mama Warm's pride and joy was back to Bumbledink for a while to center himself and get a little bit of quality time with the family on the ranch. We grew some food, husbandried some animals, and I centered myself for the first time in a while. I also got some time off in one of Texas' finest recreational institutions -- it was a lovely resort with lots of time to rest and recover from my time in the ring and all the abuse I was taking from... from...
[Luke goes white.]
[Luke trails off and slumps in the ring mumbling unintelligibly for a few seconds, then takes a couple heaving breaths, straightens up, and stands over Plants.]
LW: Okay, okay... I'm OK. Moving right along. Why am I here. Simple! Because Luke Warm wants some championship gold around his waist and that's the lower lattitude. Right here, right now, the Mama'z Boyz are issuing a challenge to the tag team champions put your belts on the line!
SW: He does realize that his "partner" is completely unconscious at the moment and has no idea this is happening, right? And why is Luke beating up his future tag team partner while demanding a title shot?
Styles: Oh. My. God. This is surreal.
LW: So how about it? Can you take the Mama's Boys? Can you handle Luke Warm? Is BOB ready for LUKEAMANIA? Does this place validate parking? And most importantly... WHATCHA GONNA DO, BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET when LUKEAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU?!?!?
Styles: Thanks for joining us everyone! Good night everybody! We'll be back January 19th! Luke Warm is back...oh my GOD!
[Luke drinks another Yoo-Hoo produced from nowhere and struts out of the ring as we fade out.]
©2007 BOB Wrestling! what does trish stratus look like nude