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March Mayhem logo

MARCH MAYHEM 2002! (sort of)

It's NOT April. Shut up!

[A generic sports desk is seen, one you might see on any sports talk show. A tournament bracket is the backdrop and behind the desk sits Mike Monroe wearing a Duke Blue Devils jersey. Beside him moving left to right, is Mark Shill with a Kansas Jayhawk pullover, next is Nurse Heidi wearing a "Fear the Turtle" t-shirt, and last but not least… Scotty Whatbody wearing an "Oklahoma was ROBBED!" t-shirt and a Cincinnati Bearcats baseball cap. All four shuffle notes on the desk before Mike speaks up…]

MM: Okay, fans…this is it, the moment you've ALL been waiting for! Who's going where, who's wrestling who, and who will have the easiest path to THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

MS: Well, Mike…I don't think anybody will have an easy road, there's a lot of tough teams out there and as everybody knows… upsets ALWAYS happen this time of year. Don't expect their top four seeds to reach the Final Four™ or our top four seeds to reach our UnFOURtunate Four (patent pending), either.

NH: Duh, if their top four doesn't reach the Final Four™, of course our top four isn't going to reach the UnFOURtunate Four, Mark… their four is our four. Or something…

SW: Their four IS NOT our four! Oklahoma got the shaft! They should be a one seed! Jim Ross is probably turning in his grave!

NH: Ummm, J.R.'s not dead, Scotty…

SW: Oh? Could've fooled me. He looks dead….

MM: By the way, since when did you become such an Oklahoma Sooner fan, Scotty? You hate basketball.

SW: That's not true! I love basketball, especially the WNBA…got all those lesbians running around chasing a ball and stuff, getting sweaty… the symbolism is surreal!

NH: Hmpf.

SW: Oh what? Like you can't tell me there's no lesbians in the WNBA.

MS: I think we're straying off the subject, we're here to talk about the men's NCAA tournament…and what it means to BOB and our ONLY WORLD TITLE TOURNAMENT THAT MATTERS.

MM: Good point, Mark. And fans, it's official, the NCAA bracket is official…so that means we finally know where our BOBsters are going, what team will represent them, and who they'll have to go through to capture BOB's top trophy!

SW: But let's back up a second…I want to know why Oklahoma got cheated. I want to know why the Sooners got pushed to a 2 seed? All that did was give either Trey Vincent, Steve Studnuts, or Seth Harker a team with something to prove in this tournament and could give one of those fed crashers a team on a mission and have them walk outta here with the OWTTM! Then where would we be?

NH: Don't forget the other 2 seed, Scotty…. Luke Warm.

SW: Chyah right! Luke Warm couldn't win a tournament with the Lakers representing him!

MM: Scotty, calm down and explain yourself. What's the deal with you and Oklahoma? You don't think Cincinnati deserves the other number one seed?

SW: HELL NO! Listen to this: last week, Cincy, at the end of their regular season, needed a buzzer beater to force overtime ON THEIR HOME COURT against nationally unranked Memphis. The Bearcats did eventually win in OT, but if it wasn't for that prayer at the end of regulation… THEY LOSE! And even with the close win, Oklahoma still passed them on the Associated Press Top 25 and moved up from 5 to 4… Cincy fell to 5. Oklahoma was number 4 in the nation… remember that. At the beginning of conference tournament time… the top four in the land looked like this: 1) Kansas, 2) Maryland, 3) Duke, and 4) Oklahoma.

NH: Is this going to take long?

SW: Go fix your hair or something, Heidi… I'm on a roll. Now then….as I was saying: Cincinnati wins the Conference USA tournament, but so what? That conference is weak! Cincy's been the TOP seed in that tournament the last seven years straight…. but how many NCAA tournaments have they won? How many? Huh? Thought so….

MS: Is there a point here?

SW: You'll see my point, butthole, when Cincinnati's the first number one seed bounced out of this tournament! Watch and see, you heard it here first. And because of that… SMP is probably pissed because more than likely he's gonna get strapped with the Bearcats. Now do you see my point, Mark? You college hoops retard!

MM: Come on, Scotty… we have a lot to cover here. Leave Mark alone and state your case.

SW: It's simple: Maryland loses to N.C. State in the ACC quarterfinals, then State gets blown out by Duke by 30 points in the championship. Cincy wins the lame C-USA tournament but Oklahoma wins the Big-12… and BEAT Kansas in the final! So, since #2 Maryland lost and #1 Kansas lost, #3 Duke should have moved up to #1 in the country… with Oklahoma the new #2 in the nation! What's not to see about that? Maryland loses to a team that gets routed by Duke the next day and the Sooners hand Kansas their only conference loss all year. And Oklahoma was ranked nationally ahead of Cincinnati, anyway! How does Cincy get that other number one seed? Especially after less than a week ago they barely survive a home game against Memphis? Hello?

NH: Cincinnati's schedule and conference are WEAK? They're number 2 in the nation according to their RPI rating, Scotty.

SW: Their WHAT? Who cares about a stupid RPI, Oklahoma beat Kansas. End of discussion.

MM: Okay, okay already… we see your point, Scotty. But there's nothing we can do about it but this: seeing as Duke did win their conference tournament championship and Maryland and Kansas, the only two teams ranked ahead of the Dookies didn't win… I guess we're going to have say that Duke is the team to beat this year. They are the defending champions, after all. So, with all that said… it looks like it's gonna be Duke, the number one seed in the South Region, to be awarded to OUR top seed overall… Billy Polar, the last official OWCTM. Billy Polar is the top seed in the South and will face #16 seed The Man that looks a bit like Nixon.

SW: * cough * jobbersquash* cough *.

MS: Maybe so, but if Duke doesn't win the NCAA tournament, Billy Polar doesn't win the OWTTM. It seems that there's some confusion with this thing… the team that represents you does only that. You still have to wrestle, not play basketball. It's just the booking committee here is too lazy to script the winners themselves, so the let the tournament results do it for them. I thought I saw something the other day where The Geek was playing basketball trying to prep for this thing. Boy, is HE in for a surprise.

MM: Well, he is a geek, you know. He's not really into the sports thing. Another thing he won't like is that The Li'lBoss has initiated the BOB "Anytime/Anywhere" rule on him, that means every match he's in his "Are You Out Of Your Friggin' Mind?" Hardcore Title is on the line!

NH: "Anytime/Anywhere" rule? What happened to the <24/7> thing? Or our <16/6> version to give the guy bathroom/sleep breaks. Isn't "Anytime/Anywhere" the same as <24/7>? Isn't that the same thing?

MM: Of course it is, but we didn't want to totally steal the WWF's gimmick.

SW: Why? We do it all the time. Except for this tournament… this is all OURS, baby. WHOO HOO! What other place would let a basketball tournament decide the outcomes of its matches? We all know wrestling's fake and scripted, but for once a year we let basketball teams decide the fate of our grapplers… what's the harm in that?

MS: * Ahem * Scotty? Aren't you breaking that kayfabe thing? Don't let it be too obvious that we're letting the NCAA tournament results decide our bookings.

SW: So? Everybody already knows we don't just BREAK kayfabe… we drop atomic bombs on it and spread its ashes all over the planet. Big deal….

MM: Alright, let's get back to analyzing the field… and not forget that The Geek's Hardcore Title is up for grabs the entire tournament. So, basically what we're saying is that if The Geek doesn't win this tournament, meaning if the team that represents him doesn't win the NCAA tournament… then we're going to have a new "AYOOYFM" champion! And The Geek has a wild first round match against the New Undietaker…and if he gets by him, he might have to face over 300 pounds of the Original Undietaker in round two!

NH: But that's only if Undietaker One wins his first round match. Or, uh, if the team representing him wins their opening round game…

MS: Yep, and not only did The Geek get saddled with the extra pressure of having to defend his Hardcore Title and trying to win the OWTTM, the tag-team champions have also been double crossed by The Stereotypical Evil Booker! Jim has to face DJ Rawkus in round one and Josh has to face MC Carjack…and The STEB has announced that if The 'Hoodsiders can some how pull off double #14 seed upsets of #3 seeds… they'll win the Four-Play Tag-Team Titles!

MM: Well, that's almost impossible. The likely hood of the team representing Rawkus to beat the team representing Jim and the team representing Carjack to defeat the team representing Josh is almost as far fetched as the team representing Streetmime II winning the whole damn thing. I think the Kent State Krew's tag-team titles are safe, but wouldn't it be incredible if the tag-team titles changed hands in two separate singles matches… on two different sides of the nation?

MS: It'd be the greatest moment in wrestling history!

SW: I thought it was about time for Mark Shill to mark and shill.

MS: What?

SW: Nothing, it's over your head, Tony.

MS: Why do you keep calling me Tony?

NH: Shhhhhh, don't encourage him, Tony. Uh-rah, I mean Mark.

MM: * Ahem * Let's move on, shall we? Because something interesting has happened that we need to discuss. Maryland's choke against N.C. State, in my opinion, dropped them to at least 3rd in the nation behind Duke and Kansas. I'm sorry, but if Oklahoma was the other #1 seed, I'd have to agree with Scotty and rank them ahead of the Jayhawks and the Terrapins, since the Sooners did defeat Kansas and Maryland bombed in the ACC quarterfinal. However, since Cincinnati got the other one seed, and again, I'll have to agree with Scotty… Cincinnati didn't have the big time tournament challenges that Kansas and Maryland had, so I can't really see them getting ranked ahead of those two. What that all means is this… Sarah the Jobber Slayer is going to get Kansas and be the top seed in the MidWest, the number 2 overall of the top four. Like Kansas. That'll give Bohemoth Maryland and he'll get the East Region… and Silaconne M. Plants ends up with the lowest national ranked of the four #1 seeds. He gets the Bearcats and goes West.

SW: He's gonna be pissed!

NH: Nah, Sil will be all right… but you know what I just thought of? If The Geek is going to have to defend his title under "Anytime/Anywhere" rules, wouldn't that mean that whomever defeats him will also have to continue doing the same throughout the tournament? Like, if the New Undietaker beats him in round one and wins the title, then loses in the second round… wouldn't whoever beat him be the new champ?

MM: You know, that makes sense! So, what that means now is that whoever wins the tournament will also be the NEW "AYOOYFM" hardcore champion as well as the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!

MS: But it also means that if Kansas wins the national championship… Sarah the Jobber Slayer will do something that nobody else in BOB has EVER done. Male or female or anything else! She's already the Swiss Army Champion, she could end up with all three titles at the same time!

MM: Well, didn't Herb Romaine do that before on the first HCPV?

NH: Mike, that show didn't count… we were closing so Billy got giddy with the angle bug. Just consider it like that time a character dreamed a whole season of "Dallas", not the "Who Shot J.R." one….the one where Bobby Ewing died, but his wife or something dreamed the whole thing when the guy that played Bobby Ewing decided to stay on the show and they couldn't write off his character. My mom was so mad about that.

SW: Somebody shot J.R.? I told you he was dead!

NH: J.R. Ewing, you idiot!

MM: Settle down, you two. It's time to find out what teams will represent who. But before we do that… anybody have an opinion concerning the biggest first round upset? Remember last year's Kent State defeat of Indiana, which resulted in Brandon pulling the upset over three-time Swiss Army champ Justin Voss? What'd do you think will top that?

MS: No clue, there's so many possibilities.

MM: Heidi?

NH: Drawing a blank…

SW: I'm going with #11 Xamfir over #6 The Tiger. The Tiger has been retired so long, he's prime for the upset!

MM: Yeah, and some might argue that even in his prime and during his two Intergalactic Title reigns in the STWF that he was semi-retired. I agree with that, that could be THE upset of the first round.

SW: I was hoping you'd disagree so we could bet.

MM: I'm not ever betting with you again, Scotty.

MS: HEY! Here it is, the pairings have just come down! And now, the teams that will vie for the NCAA championship and their BOB counterparts that will vie for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Show the graphic, Clive! This is official, fans! The BOB wrestler and his NCAA representative are here!


Billy Polar defeated Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon
Da Sassy Bitch beat Da Avenger Dyslexic
douja defeated Andrew Spink
The Flaskmaster pulled an upset on Sir Hungalot.
The Tiger beat Xamfir
Jim defeated DJ Rawkus
Backboard Barry Brown pulled an upset on Justin Voss
Steve Studnuts defeated Bubba Gump

Silaconne M. Plants beat the Snapmare Kid
Mr. Intensity defeated Insano Mano
Stinkbutt Nastyass upset the heck out of Homicidal Hank
Viet Kong over the Ultimate Worrier
Beatie Al upset the Undietaker
The Geek beat the New Undietaker
Herb Romaine defeated Flatline
Trey Vincent beat XXXtreme Machine

Bohemoth over StreetMime II
Blackjack Hooligan defeated Necro Phil
Lil Peppy Polar defeated Lord Lestat Von Sexbat
Violent Pacifist beat Captain Obvious
Sculder won against Kamikazie Ken in another upset
Brandon beat Slightly Gay Ray
Mittens defeated Garry The Gurney Greene
Luke Warm went over the Fire Chieft

Sarah the Jobber Slayer beat Urine
Little Good defeated JC Long
Death beat Ronald McKillalot
Jean Bannister beat Too Fat Matt
Kay Fabe win against Mully
Josh defeated MC Carjack
Seth Harker won against Goo Goo Cachoo


Billy Polar defeated Da Sassy Bitch
douja beat the Flaskmaster
Jim beat the Tiger
Backboard Barry Brown over Steve Studnuts. Major upset.

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants beat Mr. Intensity
Stinkbutt Nastyass upset Viet Kong
The Geek beat Beastie Al
Trey Vincent beat Hert Romaine

Bohemoth over Blackjack Hooligan
Violent Pacifist beat Lil Peppy Polar
Sculder upset Brandon
Luke Warm beat Mittens

Sarah The Jobber Slayer defeated Little Good
Jean Bannister beat Death, which was an upset in fact, though not in ranking
Kay Fabe with an upset over Josh
Seth Harker defeated COMBATANT


douja beat Billy Polar
Backboard Barry Brown continues his upsets beating Jim

Ditto for Stinkbutt Nastyass who goes over Dr. Silaconne M. Plants
Trey Vincent defeated The Geek

Bohemoth beat Violent Pacifist
Luke Warm finally took care of Sculder

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" beat Jean Bannister
Seth Harker beat Kay Fabe


douja ends Backboard Barry Brown's run

Trey Vincent beat Stinkbutt Nastyass

Bohemoth beat Luke Warm

MIDWEST results
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" beat Seth Harker


douja defeated Trey Vincent in an upset

Bohemoth beat Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

Bohemoth defeated douja in a rematch from the year before. This time, Bo comes out on top, you're NEW champeen.

That's it, goodbye...maybe someday you'll see some of these on Classix...

©2002 BOB Wrestling! Can you spell disaster?


© BOB Wrestling!

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