I Got Your Hype RIGHT HERE!
[Mike Monroe and Mark Shill are seen sitting behind a "SportsCenter" type desk. Behind them on the wall, a large bracket can be seen, one similar to the front page of this very Web site. And the logo like at the top of your computer screen. Ah, the beauty of PhotoShop. Screw YOU NCAA!! We stole your chart and altered it. WHOOOO! Yes, this is the kick-off for BOB's War For Booking Control. Yes, and I'm going to win you fucktards. Because I am the Detached Narrator. And any similarity between this year's script and last years is more than coincidental. Thank God for rewrites. I gotta go shoot some hoops, I'll leave you with these two fucking pathetic announcer wannabes.]
MM: HELLO FANS! And welcome to the ONLY WORLD TITLE TOURNAMENT SELECTION SHOW! The brackets have been released, and needless to say, there are some very interesting first round match-ups, and the usual clunkers, but they're all going to THE DANCE!
MS: That's right, Mike. It's going to be STUPDENDOUS! All the men in this tournament have one goal. Winning booking control of Brawlers On a Budget! There are 64 challengers, so now, it's wide open! Anybody could win it!
MM: Well, I wouldn't say ANYBODY. But you know how that goes...
MS: Including one mystery entrant. You only get mystery entrants in BOB!
MM: You do bring up an interesting point. There will no doubt be a lot of speculation.
MS: A LOT OF SPECULATION!
MM: About how the mystery entrant in the tournament will be. When's he show up?
MM: It could be anyone from BOB's history. From it's past. Or even before recently. Or maybe it could be BigBOSS.
MS: That would make the most sense. Why wouldn't the BigBOSS want creative control of his own company!
MM: Well, he is rather lazy.
MS: Good point!
MM: Well, as we enter our showcase event of the year, every wrestler has a dream. And we're going to be hearing from all of them tonight. Or whenever this show is finished, edited and posted.
MS: It could be Britney Spears. NUDE!
MM: I highly doubt that.
MS: What about Sarah Michelle Gellar?
MM: She's already in the tournament?
MS: The real one our the fake one?
MM: Let's not get into this yet. We have to save that for the Undietakers later. Anyway, somehow BigBOSS has arranged for 61 BOB wrestlers and the three members of the iAd to all rumble for the right to be BOB's head booker until he or she loses it in some stupid way down the road.
MS: Fans, let's take a look at the number one seeds!
MM: Right-o. Heading up the MIDWEST REGION is Hardcore JJ, the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! He joins WEST REGION leader The "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Title Belt.
MS: This is the highest seed an inanimate object has EVER HAD IN BOB HISTORY!
MM: The SOUTH REGION's top seed is Swiss Army Champion Detached Narrator. And in the EAST REGION, Trey Vincent is leading the pack.
MS: But what about the Number 2 seeds?
MM: Fair enough, since that's most likely where our winners will come from. In the MIDWEST, Little Good makes a surprising appearance. In the WEST it's Khan. In the South it's The Next Big Thingee Dustbuster Boy and in the EAST it's Seth Harker. Aside from Harker, well, some odd Number 2 seeds this year.
MS: But fans, that's due to our unique seeding for this year's tournament. Care to explain, Mike?
MM: Indeed. This year, champions got the highest seeds. Wrestlers with two titles, such as Little Good get to move up one spot higher than in the original seeding. People with three titles, such as Nurse Heidi get to move up two spots. The titles with the most value are the original BOB belts (OWTTM, Swiss, AYOOYFM title, Four-Play Tag). Then the rest are pretty much random.
MS: Could not have said it better myself!
MM: Now fans, let's take a look at the first round match-ups and then we'll each make our picks as to who we think will win booking control.
MS: IN THE MIDWEST REGION!
MM: Hardcore JJ will take on Sculder of The Agency in what should no doubt be an easy win for JJ. In what should be a close one, the Shaggy's Gang's Xamfir will take on Insano Mano.
Styles (voice): It'll be EXTREME!!!
MM: StreetMime II will take on "Mr. Thursday Night" J.C. Long.
MS: Could you imagine StreetMime booking shows?
MM: I honestly could not. It would be the quietest two hours on television I'm sure. The Holy One, Pope John Paul II will take on the wrestling dentist, DMD. Also, iAd member Steve Studnuts, with a pretty low seed, Number 6 this year, takes on Jim of the Kent State Krew. Mr. X will take on the Snapmare Kid, though I'm sure he'll deny it ever happened. Hooker T takes on Spacecop, and I'm am betting on a major upset there. And rounding things out, Little Good will take on Dyslexic Avenger. Mark, who do you seek coming out of this region?
MS: I would go to hell if I didn't give a nod to the Pope as the winner in the MIDWEST!
MM: Well, I'll have to go with the toughest 3-year-old on the planet, Hardcore JJ. And moving on to the West, The AYOOYFM Title Belt will meet Guy Who Slightly Resembles LBJ of the 1600 Club. Stone Hot Steve Dawson will take on Coma. And the match everyone will no doubt be looking forward to, except for maybe, Death, yes, Death takes on the man he NEVER defeated, a man who holds three victories over Death, Jean Bannister.
MS: It's going to be HUGE!
MM: Death is heavily favored in the rankings, but you gotta love the way the ball bounced in the rankings if you're a BOB fan. Douja, a man who won this tournament the first year, will also take on Sleazy-C. Also, Mully will be taking on that Mystery Entrant that will no doubt have us speculating.
MS: Tell me MORE, Mike.
MM: Let me take a breath, will you? Kamikazie Ken will take on Graphic Flatulence. Styles, who no doubt would have been ranked higher if he hadn't lost two of his titles on the last show, will take on the Wolfenator. And Khan will take on Mr. Intensity, rounding out the WEST.
MS: It's going to be the best MARCH MAYHEM EVER!
MM: And heading to the SOUTH, kicking things off will be Detached Narrator taking on XXXtreme Machine. Massive Man Rendition First will take on Dude Whose A Dead Ringer For Clinton. Spaceduck will take on Sir Hungalot.
MS: That one should be a NIGHTMARE for Hungalot. And BOB for that matter!
MM: The Commentator will take on DovE. Brandon takes on the Original Undietaker. Nurse Heidi takes on Kelly Erik, in what no doubt SHOULD be an upset if not for the fact BOB isn't in control of the booking. OW! Hey, where did you come from?
Kay Fabe: You didn't see Kay Fabe enter? Kay Fabe heard you saying some very stupid things so she had to come and lay the carpet down on your chunky monkey ass! If YA SMELLALALALALALALAALALALALLALALALALAL. And not to mention that whole wouldn't let me screw you to death thing too. What the Lesbian. IS COOKIN'.
MS: And like that, Kay Fabe is out of here.
MM: No doubt just to pop some boners.
MS: Ratings, Mike, ratings.
MM: Oh, right. Sorry. Man, I hate to say it, but without Detached Narrator here, I just don't know when people are entering or leaving. Or moving. Or anything. Anyhow, fans, you'll also see Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon take on newcomer Mudman. And The Next Big Thingee Dustbuster will take on Maui Wauie.
MS: Fans, call your friends, neighbors and complete strangers and let them know MARCH MAYHEM is HERE!
MM: And in the EAST. Trey Vincent will face Unoriginal Man. Violent Pacifist will take on Urine. Kay Fabe will take on Albert DeSalvo. Stinkbutt Nastyass will take on Super Mollusc. Also, we'll see Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" take on the New Undietaker. BVD will face K-Con. Last year's winner Bohemoth will face RVD. And of all the men who no doubt want to face Candy Cantaloupes, Seth Harker will be that man in the tournament.
MS: We'd go to him for a comment, but FANS, we're out of time!
MM: So, Mark, before we go, who do you see in the UnFourtunate Four and winning the whole thing? Myself, I see Hardcore JJ, Kamikazie Ken, Khan and Trey Vincent, with JJ once again prevailing, winning the whole tournament. And you want to talk about a wrestling show aimed at kids? Man, things will be quite interesting.
MS: Well, fans, I believe the Pope, Death, Nurse Heidi and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" will all make it to the UnFourtunate Four. And I believe the Pope will beat EVERYONE and win. And resurrect BOB from the pits of hell into a new era.
MM: One year ago, Trey Vincent, douja, Bohemoth and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" made it to the UnFourtunate Four, with Bohemoth eventually winning it all. Who will win this year?
MS: Who, INDEED!
MM: Fans, that's it! 64 have that booking power in their sights! Will Trey Vincent or Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" become a second time booker? Will Hardcore JJ turn the BOB product into a kid's show? Will the AYOOYFM Title Belt make BOB a hardcore promotion? Will Bohemoth make BOB a Samurai-wrestling company? Will Stinkbutt Nastyass make BOB a series of farting matches? Would the Pope make BOB a wrestling version of the "700 Club"? And who is that Mystery Entrant?
MM: It's March Mayhem, baby! Get your team colors on! 64 with a shot. Three weekends and one Monday Night*. one....ONLY ONE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Order today!
*If war with Iraq breaks out, BOB is not responsible for this unintentional lie. This is a fact as I write this. Now go away.
--The BOB legal team.
© 2003 BOB WRESTLING: HYPE IN FULL EFFECT!