MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM!
It's All Downhill From Here!
(We pan the interior of the YMCA Gym in Havoc, West Virginia. The sound of fireworks and massive applause fills the room, although it does appear to be coming from a man holding a tape-recorder next to a microphone. A "crowd" of about 75 is in attendance. We pan around randomly for a mimute or two, then pick up the announce table.)
MM: Good morning everyone, and WELCOME! To MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM! I'm your host, Mike "The Monotone" Monroe! Also with me, the cranially-challenged commentator, the 400-pounder with the brain of a flounder, GBH!
MM: Nice to have you here, GBH!
GBH: Whut? What's dis? Uh?
MM: And alongside him, our special guest commentator... former Whatever Wrestling Federation mainstay.. SCOTTY WHATBODY!
SW: Thank you! Great to be in a federation that pays me even LESS than the WWF did! My career is looking good now!
MM: Well, look who's Mr Sarcasm!
SW: That's my gimmick, Mike...
MM: Anyway, our fans are looking jacked! Most of our audience are regulars from "Yahoo Chat Pro Wrestling" we invited specially, so they should be right into this!
(Cut to a crowd shot. Fully 50 percent of the fans are carrying signs that read "Hi BOB!". One 12-year-old's sign reads: "YOU ALL SUCK. YOU ALL SUCK. YOU ALL.. *click*..Ignored.")
MM: Well, as the lights dim, here comes The BigBOSS, to do the "Swiss Army" Belt draw! Our first title to be decided right here!
("Taking Care of Business" by Bachmann Turner Overdrive plays as The BigBOSS enters the arena. He appears to be 5'2", but this is deceptive.. he's wearing lifts. His personal valet, Miss Behave is on his arm, and his three hulking bodyguards Lock, Shock and Barry are behind him. He enters the ring. His bodyguards flank him.)
The BigBOSS: (Just audibly) Could you three move back, please! I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well!
(Lock, Shock and Barry take a step back.)
BB: Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen.. WELCOME TO BOB!
BB; Thank you for that large round of indifference! I'm here at this time to draw a name from the Big Barrel and crown our first ever "Swiss Ar..".. what is it?
Lock: We sold the Big Barrel.. sorry.
BB: Well, why doesn't someone tell me these things! What have we got, instead?
Shock: A bucket.
BB: Fine. I'm here to draw a name from the Medium-sized Bucket and crown our first champion! Barry.. The Bucket please!
(He rummages around for a few seconds, probably trying to give the illusion of a fuller roster.)
BB: And the winner.. and NEWWWWWWW "Swiss Army Belt" Champion is.... "THE STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTINNNNN VOSS!
("If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!" is sung by a group of enthusthiastic 8-year-olds. The crowd joins in as Justin Voss sprints out from the locker room. He leaps into the crowd and proceeds to shake the hand of every fan present. (It's really lucky we don't have a large fanbase yet, or this could take ages!) He finally hits the ring and is handed the belt.)
JV: You LIKE me! You really LIKE me!!
BB: Congratulations, Justi..
JV: Hey, look, it's got a corkscrew! And what's this.. wow, scissors!
BB: I said, well done..
JV: Should I put it on? Or does it look better over my shoulder?
BB: Are you even listening to me?
JV: CHEER ME! (The crowd pops.) CHEER ME AGAIN! (Bigger Pop)
BB: That's IT!!! Because of your lack of respect, and in a cheap attempt to gain a quasi-heel status, I'm ordering you to defend that title, LIVE, TONIGHT! Against a MYSTERY OPPONENT!
SW: All right, an angle already!
BB: That's right! Entourage, follow me!
MM: Well, what an amazingly cliched development! The Stereotyped Face will have to put up or shut up in tonights Main Event!
GBH: ..if you happy an' you knows it, clap your hands.. (CLAP CLAP)
MM: The songs finished, GBH..
GH: Huh? What's dat? What dat ting dere?
SW: That's your hand, GBH..
MM: Oh, leave him alone, Scotty, he's quite happy. Here comes our ring announcer, Scuzz, to introduce our first match!
Scuzz: Ladies an' gennelmen.. this contes' is sched.. sched.. is gonna be for one fall.. right?.. Innerducin' first.. ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH!
(Alex walks down the aisle. No Music. No Pyro. No Reaction from the fans.)
Scuzz: An' his opponen'.. weighin' 235 pounds... th' self-proclaimed "WWF Glory Champion"... BIRDBOY!
("Fly Like an Eagle" plays over the tinny soundsystem as Birdboy and Mr Pecker make their way to the ring to a big pop. A badly-timed crowd shot gives a glimpse of a BOB employee holding up a "FACE" sign to the crowd.)
MM: Birdboy is in the house! He's here to regain the former glory of the now-defunct Whatever Wrestling Federation.
SW: Now there's an ambition.. who's he trying to emulate, the Anthropomorphic Duck, the Overtly Homosexual Tag-Team or the Hardcore Luchador?
MM: Beats me. Everyone needs a hobby, I suppose.
GBH: Huh huh huh.. hand..
MM: And here we go! Birdboy and Alex lock it up in the center of the ring!
SW: Wait, why hasn't the bell rung?
MM: Ummm.. well...
SW: We couldn't afford one, could we?
MM: *ahem*.. Anyway, Smith takes control with an armwringer. And he follows it up with.. nothing. Guess he's out of ideas already. Oh, nice reversal by Birdboy! Leg-sweep takedown! The veteran is showing his skills here! Applys a seated arm-bar. Grapevines the leg as well! Classsic application of the Half Pretzel!
GBH: Duhh.. look at dat hand wave.. wheee!
SW: Cut it out you big oaf! Oh, great, now you've spilled water everywhere! And he's your regular color commentator, while I'M only the special guest?
MM: We could negotiate, Scotty.. Back in the ring, Alex has reversed the tide.. he whips Birdboy to the ropes.. misses an elbow... and Birdboy launches a flying body-scissors! Beautiful form in the air! Alex is in all sorts of trouble here! He rolls to the floor.. this could be a mistake.. Birdboy loves that high-risk offence!
SW: Look out!! Suicidal dive through the ropes!
MM: What a plancha that was! He grabs Smith by the seat of the pants and tosses him into the crowd.. who toss him straight back again! Birdboy introduces Smith to the ringpost! And the steps! And the space where the timekeepers table will be when we get around to buying one! He eventually rolls Smith back into the ring.. bounces of the ropes.. building up speed... springboards off the ropes and...FLYAWAY! The Generic Ref drops to the mat and counts..1..2..3! It's over!
SW: Already? I smell another angle here...
MM: GOOD LORD! The lights went out! What's going on?
GBH: Huhhh? Where you go, Scotty?
SW: Get off me, you big lug! Quit it!
MM: The lights come back on.. and Birdboy is unconcious in the center of the ring!!! What happened? And who spraypainted the Big "?" on his back? And who's that Mysterious Masked Man(TM) on the BOB-Tron?
SW: I can't see any details... But then, the BOB-tron only has a 14-inch screen!
MM: Well, we'll update you on this, as soon as we have more details.. but now, let's move on to our Origami Death Match!
Scuzz: This contes' is an Origami Death Match. The rules.. well, there aint none.. 'cept only paper weapons are allowed.. right? 'Kay.. here's th' first team.. from Red Cross, North Carolina.. weigin' in at 405 pounds.. THE UNIVERSAL DONORS!
("Spill The Blood" by Slayer plays at such volume it's rendered inaudible by distortion. The crowd boos lustily, aided by the fact that the "HEEL" sign is being displayed. Hey, if WCW used to do this, so can we...)
Scuzz: An' their opponents.. weig'in' in at 527 pounds... DJ RAWKUS an' MC CARJACK!
Voiceover: Hey Carjack, why don't you put that big ol' 12-inch on my turntable?
("Thumpin in Da Howse" plays as DJ and MC make their way to the ring. A mixed reaction for the Jobbers Inc tag-team.)
MM: Well, both teams are in the ring, and The Generic Ref is distributing the paper sheets. Some quick folding going on now... what will these teams be able to make, weapon-wise?
SW: And what will the fans make of this bizarre match?
GBH: An whut's.. this ting?
SW: That's your hand again, GBH.. Ooh! MC's quickly made a paper fan! And he's whipping Art Teery with it! That's gotta smart!
MM: Cap Larrie has made a sailors hat with his sheet of paper! And look at him use the pointy end on DJ Rawkus! Art finally gets away from Carjack.. running dropkick sends the Mike Controller to the mat! Art rolls up his sheet of paper into a tube and is whaling away at him! That's an A3 size piece of paper, folks! You can't get anymore hardcore than this...
SW: Yeah, right! Who booked this match, "Soft Core" Zack?
MM: That's enough blatant STWF referencing for one day, thank you! Although I would like to remind everybody that all BOB wrestlers are elegible for next years "Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl"! The most spectacular spectacle in Parody Sports Entertainment! But getting back to the match at hand! Rawkus has made a paper swallow! And everytime he pulls its tail, the beak is pecking Larrie! On the other side of the ring, Carjack and Teery are exchanging right hands! Inverted atomic drop on Carjack! A spinning heel kick and Carjack flies over the top rope to the floor! Teery folding away rapidly now! What is he making? Will it be something to aid Cap Al Larrie, who's currently on the receiving end of a series of European uppercuts from Rawkus? He's made.. a paper model of "The Mayflower"!
SW: The boys' got hidden talent!
MM: He attacks Rawkus with the 17th Century sailing ship! Great offense here! Rawkus tries to wrestle it away from him...
DJ Rawkus: OW! Paper cut!! That stings! Ouch!
Art Teery: He's bleeding! Not much, mind you, but he's bleeding! SPONGE!
ART: BIGGER NEEDLE!
DJ: Hey, get off! Stop it! OW!
MM: Rawkus is heading for higher ground! The Donors are after him! Carjack joins in the pursuit! All four men heading back to the locker room, as the ref calls for a double DQ!
SW: A DQ? Why?
MM: So he doesn't have to count them out.. we told you about his counting skills, didn't we?
SW: Fine. Time for a commercial?
MM: Why not?
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MM: And we're back! As you can see, the box containing Przste.. Prrtzs..
SW: Pzremslwvk... roll the "Z"...
MM: Whatever.. well, he's in the box and it's hanging over the ring as we speak.. Mr X made his entrance during the ad break.. so we're just waiting for Goffer to arrive...
Scuzz: Ladies an' gennemen.. innerducing.. GOFFER!
("Blame it On The Bossanova" is played on a Casio Keyboard as Goffer arrives. Hey, if he can't pick a theme tune, we'll just have to improvise... Goffer leaps into the ring and performs a few GO-GO-GOFFER Martial Arts moves, accidently knocking out the ref.. never mind, I'm sure he'll be concious by the time the match ends.)
MM: Well, this should be a spectacular match, Scotty...
SW: Not bloody likely... Mr X got the jobber intro.. squash coming up!
GBH: Hur hur hur.. squash...
MM: This one's under way! Probably.. with no bell and no ref, it's difficult to tell... But Goffer leaps into the attack with a Spinning GO-GO GOFFER kick! Mr X wasn't expecting that! His fedora flies into the crowd! Legdrop! Cover..
SW: Forget it, the ref's still in La-La Land..
MM: Speaking of La-La Land, GBH looks like he has a comment...
GBH: Dur... whut? Huh?
MM: No, I was wromg.. Mr X is whipped to the ropes.. Cartwheel elbow! Great skills from Goffer! Scoopslam! Polish Underhook Suplex! Mr X is in trouble! GO-GO GOFFER GROIN KICK!
SW: Ouch! Although, I can't help but notice that these GO-GO Goffer moves are just regular martial arts with extra yelling..
MM: GO-GO-GOFFER PUNCH! GO-GO-GOFFER CHOP! Standing side kick! Mr X is down in the center of the ring! It could be over...
SW: Darn. I knew that cheap twine wouldn't keep Pzremslwvk's box up there for too long...
MM: Well, you did say it was going to be a squash... And Mr X is definitly squashed beneath the box.. The Box is covering.. Ref is up to count.. and it's over!
Scuzz: Here is your winner... PZREMSLWVK!
MM: Goffer isn't going to be too happy with Przemslwvk stealing the win like that.. oh, well, I'm sure they sort it out.. It's Main Event time!
("Taking Care Of Business" plays again. The BigBOSS arrives once more.)
BB: Scuzz, I'll handle this intro.. here's your pay. Don't drink it all at once.. *ahem*.. Ladies and Gentlemen.. THIS is your Monday Morning Mayhem MAIN EVENT! And it is for the Swiss Army Belt Championship! Introducing first, The Champion.. JUSTINNNN VOSS!
(We get a reprise of "If You're Happy and You Know it, etc.." Justin runs to the ring, shaking hands and high-fiving the sparse crowd.)
BB: And his opponent.. and challenger.. weighing in at 240 pounds.. the Heel from Hell.. The Legend in His Own Mind... The Walking Malpractise Suit.. The Sinister Surgeon... SILLACONE M. PLANTS!
MM: GOOD LORD!
GBH: Hur huh hur.. squash..
(The lights dim.. A BOB flunky holds up a piece of cardboard reading "BANG! BANG! WOOSH! BANG!", while waving a torch around. A pounding beat starts, overdubbed with Henry Rollins shouting the lyrics to Sades' "Smooth Operator". S.M.P walks out, dressed in a black lab coat with the words "Suck My Scalpel" on the back. His valet, Nurse Heidi is by his side.)
MM: Unbelievable!! S.M.P!! The only man to ever hold THREE tittle.. sorry, titles in three different federations simultaneously! This looks bad for Voss!
SW: Yup! He's the breast man.. excuse me, the BEST man the BOSS could find!
(Cut to The Flunky, who's holding a sign reading "Ding! Ding! DING!")
MM:The bell has gone, we're under way! A show-down in the center of the ring, as both men try to whip up the crowd! Listen to the cheers for Voss! The boos for Plants! The whistles for Nurse Heidi! What atmosphere.. it's almost like we taped the crowd reaction at a reputable fed and played it back over the PA...
SW: Ixnay, Ixnay!
MM: They lock up... biiig shove sends the champ down! Voss springs back up and is clotheslined straight back to the mat! Elbow drop finds the mark! Plants is taking control! Suplex! Voss bounces back up! Headbutt by the Sinister Surgeon! Voss no-sells it and gives Plants an inverted atomic drop! DDT! Nice recovery from the Stereotyped Face!
SW: C'mon Plants! Let's go! Take down the pretty boy!
MM: Scoop by Voss.. Nice Samoan Drop! Covers.. only a one count! This ones a long way from being over! Whip to the ropes... reversed by SMP! Back Body drop over the ropes! Voss lands hard on the unforgiving concrete of the arena floor! Plants out to the apron.. Running Bulldog on the floor! Great move!
SW: Oh, yeah! This is gonna be the shortest title reign in history!
MM: Plants whips Voss to the stairs.. reversed! Plants goes in knees first and tumbles over the stairs! The Generic Ref has the count going..
Ref: ...3..4.. (Checks some writing on his arm)..uh..5..5...5...
SW: Not much chance of a count-out then..
MM: Voss on top of things now! Lefts and rights! He drags Plants into the crowd! He's setting up a piledriver in the midst of the fans! NO! Plants turns it into a back body drop! What action! They're heading back towards the ring now..
SW: Not that it matters.. The ref's managed to count all the way to 27 without ever hitting 10... GBH could do a better job.. right GBH?
SW: I rest my case! Plants and Voss are back in the ring now.. suplex attempt blocked by Voss.. and he snap suplexes Plants instead!
MM: Voss going up to the top rope now.. What's he going to do.. Looks like a moonsault.. Plants kips up.. OHHH! Plants Spears Voss in the middle of the moonsault! I've never seen that in my life! Cover!! 1..2..thr..NO! 2 and three-quarters! So close! And Plants is going to the top now! Voss manages to rise.. and a dropkick to Plants who straddles the top turnbuckle! He'll be singing in a higher pitch after this one! Voss sets himself up.. ricochets off the ropes.. TOP ROPE GRINBREAKER!
SW: Wow! That was impressive.. and I don't impress easily!
MM: 1..2..3!! Voss wins! Voss wins!
SW: SMP is going to be ticked off... his contract specifically states "No jobbing to Justin Voss"...
MM: Well, it's been a spectacularlly mediocre night.. so join us next week, live from a floating ring at Seaworld, when we'll see the debut of "Kermit" as he takes on Xenomorph! GI Slow will also make his first appearance, meeting Pzremslwvk in a Hardcore Food Fight match!
MM: And our main event will see Birdboy, Goffer and one of the Universal Donors.. we haven't decided which.. in a Triple Threat Match to decide the #1 contender for The Stereotyped Faces' Swiss Army Belt title! Until then, for Scotty Whatbody and GBH, I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, saying so long!