MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 10!
WE'RE TEN! (SO STOP TELLING US TO ACT OUR AGE)
A Spectacular burst of pyro explodes as we begin the BOB Tenth Anniversary Mayhem from the Twin Cities Civic Center! A pan of the arena shows a capacity crowd waving signs in the glow of the fireworks. Since most of the signs are for another federation, we can deduce that the BigBOSS is using stock footage instead of actually buying real pyro. A quick pan around the REAL arena shows a half-way to capacity crowd holding such signs as "Lord Sexbat for (Class) President", "Bobo and douja: The Joint Forces." and "Pete Who?" We pick up the announcers in their usual spot.
MM: WELCOME to the TENTH ANNIVERSARY MAYHEM!
SW: Ten Mayhems in the making, but still as crappy as ever!
MM: I'll ignore that... Yes, we are LIVE from The Twin Cities and in that spirit.. it's ALL tag matches tonight!
SW: Ya-freakin'-hoo! At least we're getting some new faces in BOB.. and the best news of all.. PZREMSL-thingee is GONE! I never have to try to pronounce his name again!
GBH: Duh. Yur. Sheepie gone too...
SW: I wouldn't be so sure about that... have you seen that weirdo, Herb Romaine hanging around the BOSS'es office? He's got an entire Flock?
(Cut to a long-haired fan in cut-off jeans holding a sign reading "What about Raven Herb?")
MM: Well, that's as maybe.. but we've got a lot to get through today, so let's take you to the Masked Announcer!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen... this match is a tag team match, scheduled for one fall, or until we all get bored with it... Introducing first.. BIG SEXXXY, XXXTREME MACHINE!
(XXXtreme Machine is already in the ring, but he makes sure he gets a good long close-up... the fans toss trash at him...)
MA: And his partner.. from Over There... weighing in at 362 pounds... MOUNTAIN DEW MAN!
("Who Let the Dogs Out?" is cued by Eddie B as the huge product-placement wearing grappler strides to the ring. Neutral reaction from the fans.)
MM: He's seven foot three.. 362 pounds! What a monster!
SW: Thank you, Jim Ross! The big question is.. Who are these "Mystery Opponents?"
(A catchy rythym starts to play. The lights begin to pulse as two goofy-looking 20-somethings dance to the ring.)
MA: Their opponents.. from Memphis, Tennesse and Pearl Valley, Kansas respectivly.. at a total combined weight of 490 pounds... "TOO FAT" MATT and "SLIGHTLY GAY" RAY... TOOOOOO LAME!!
(We cut to the backstage area, where Eddie B and The Hoodsiders are getting down. Cut back to the crowd, who are sitting in stunned silence as the newbies prance around the ring.)
SW: We're going to get sued for this, aren't we?
MM: I have no idea what you're talkng about, Scotty...
GBH: Duh. Funny. Heee.
***A pre-recorded bell rings.
MM: Here we go! It looks like XXXtreme Machine is going to start out against Ray. Collar-and-elbow tieup into a hammerlock! XXXtreme Machine is squealing like a pig! Reversal! Reversed again! And again.
SW: And again..
MM: Duh. And again. And again. Duh. Boring.
SW: I agree... c'mon, let's go liven things up...
MM: What? Where are you two going? Scotty, come back! fans, I'm sorry about this.. GBH has headed for the backstage area, and Scotty is up on the ring apron! What the?! He just K.O'ed the Generic Ref! And now he's stealing his shirt! GBH is on his way back to the ringside area with a dumpster and a bag of weapons...
SW: IMPROMPTU DUMPSTER MAAAATCH! WOOHOO!
MM: And it's all on now! Mountain Dew Man and Matt hit the ring... big clothesline from Mountain Dew Man sends the calorifically-enhanced one to the mat! Dropkicks Ray in the back! Great agility from the big man! XXXtreme Machine scoops up a trashcan lid and smashes Matt over the head with it! Look at that cheap aluminium warp! Ray has a broom.. breaks it on Big SeXXXys back! Scotty Whatbody tosses M.D Man a trashcan.. way to stay neutral, Mr Referee! ray gets blasted over the top rope!
GBH: Yur! Hurty him! Squish!
MM: Oh, great, GBH is back at the desk! Moutain Dew Man springboards to the top rope.. suicide plancha to the outside! Good Lord! How does a guy that big manage to do cruiserweight moves like that?
GBH: Duh. Suspend disbelief, Mikey. Yur.
MM: I'm trying, GBH, I'm trying! Ooh! Ray goes face-first into the side of the dumpster! Back in the ring, Matt kicks XXXtreme Machine in the guts.. double-arm DDT! Matt goes to the top.. Mountain Dew Man hasn't seen him.. The TOO FAT SPLAT to the outside! Matt and M.D Man crash to the deck! Scotty follows them to the floor! Ref bump! Coma one, REF BUMP!
GBH: Duh. Dat not nice. Scotty friend.
MM: I can dream, can't I? Matt and Ray double-teaming Mountain Dew Man! Double drop-kick sends the big man into the flimsy guardrail! Double clothesline! M.D tumbles into the crowd! The crowd throws him right back out agan! Too Lame whip him to the post! Rebounds.. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE wipes out both Matt and Ray! Scotty tosses him a chair! CHAIRSHOT for Matt! CHAIRSHOT for Ray! CHAIRSHOT for the Generic Ref, who was just recovering!! CHAIRSHOT for the Flunky!
The Flunky: Ow! That'll cost you extra!
MM: Mountain Dew Man scoops up Matt and deposits him in the dumpster! One down, one to go! XXXtreme Machine comes over to help out, only to be have a breadbox smashed over his cranium by Ray! Mountain Dew Man springboards off the guardrail and spears Ray! Drags him up to the apron.. he's setting something up.. PEPSI-can-rana! Right into the dumpster! What a spectacular move! This one's history!
MA: Here are your winners.. MOUNTAIN DEW MAN and XXXtreme Machine.. altghough to be fair, Mountain Dew Man did all the work!
MM: And as our first pointless match of the morning comes to an end, it's time for the BigBOSS to make a special announcement!
(BTO's "Taking care of Business" plays as the BigBOSS enters the arena with his valet, Miss Behave on his arm.)
BB: Ladies and Gentlemen! I am pleased to announce that BOB management has officialy named our next Pay-Per-View! Coming to you LIVE from the BudgetDome, in Denver, Colorado, BOB Presents "SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY!". And in keeping with that theme, during all matches, pinfalls will not count unless your opponent is bleeding!
MM: WOW! A Make-'em-bleed -to-win PPV! I wonder where they came up with tha idea?
GBH: Duh. Heart-breakey-thingee?
SW: Ixnay, GBH, ixnay...
BB: And finally, Sunday, Bloody Sunday will have a DOUBLE main Event! Steve Studnuts and Lance Mayhem versus Sillicone M. Plants and Luke Warm.! And Lord Sexbat defending his title against a number one contender, to be determined at the next "NAGAM" Thursday! Plus.. some other stuff we haven't decided on yet! Right, that's it.. Mike, Scotty, some hype if you will?
MM: WOW! A DOUBLE MAIN EVENT!
SW: BLOOD! Hopefully, some T and A! MORE BLOOD!
MM: Only at "SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY"!
BB: Thank you! Make with the music!
(We go to a commercial as The BigBOSS exites the arena... sorry, EXITs the arena.. well, with our fans, probably both...)
This episode of Monday Morning Mayhem is brought to you by the U.S Army! A career, a nifty uniform and a chance to get killed in a pointless war someplace you can't even pronounce! And by Ezi-Cheez Artifical Processed Spray-on Cheese Food!! Now even MORE processed! And by Fruit Loops! Now with 27% MORE ADD-causing food colorings in every pack!
MM: And we're back! Let's take you to some footage of what went down during the commercial break!
(Cut to the locker room. "Twisted Jaws" Mercury is reading USA Today. Bivalve and Lord Sexbat are playing checkers. And "Charlie" is standing in front of a mirror.")
Charlie: Is yooo talkin' to mee? Is yoo talkin' to mee? Yoo mus' be talkin' to me..
(Cut back to ringside.)
MM: Hmm.. I'm sure there was supposed to be a brawl.. maybe it's during the next commercial?
SW: Oh, brother...
MA: Ding, ding, ding! This contest is a tag team contest.. blah, blah, blah... one fall, etc, etc.. introducing at a combined weight, yadda yadd yadda.. SIR RONALD KILLALOT and JOSHUA CRAIG!
("What's My Age Again" by Blink 182 (With Eddie B's "Supa-Scratchy-Knight's-In-Tha-House" mix) plays. The fans pop as Sir Roland and Joshua Craig enter. Mike craig follows, with a bucket and towel.)
MA: And thier opponents.. BLACKJACK HOOLIGAN and VIET KONG.. The UNETHICAL ETHNICS! Etcetera...
(A Thrash-Celtic fusion of the Charlies Angels Theme thumps out as "Charlie" leads his chrages down the aisle. Half-full soda cups rain down from the cheap seats.)
MM: We've got two very diverse tag teams here.. The Ethnics have got the edge in size and weight, but the team of Craig and Killalot have both youth AND experience!
SW: Enough with the analysis, Mike... Let's just let them start hurting each other!
GBH: Yur! Squish! Hur hur hur...
MM: You two are sick, did you know that?
The Generic Ref: Let's GET IT ON!
MM: Mike Craig has a few last second words with Joshua.. they'd better not turn their backs on Kong and Hooligan..
SW: YEAH! Backjump them Kong! YES! That's the way! Never let V.K get the drop on you, or he'll make you pay for it!
MM: And boy, is Joshua Craig paying fir it! Clubbing forearms into the back of the neck! Sir Killalot tries to help out.. Flying headbutt from Hooligan! The two limeys roll to the outside of the ring!
SW: HEY! "Limey" is a poiliticaly incorrect term of abuse... and besides, Hooligans a Mick!
GBH: Duh. Dat address to write to and say the angry words is. BOB Wrestling. duh. 17...
MM: Thank you GBH! The Generic ref Is trying valiently to get Hooligan and Killalot out to the apron. Kong has Craig in a vicious 14-fingered chinlock! Mike Craig slides into the ring and smashes Kong over the back of his noggin with that water bucket! This ones cutting loose early! Charlie drags Mike out by his ankle and the fight is on! Hooligan and Killalot are duking it out on the other side of the ring! The Generic Ref can't maintain order here!
SW: The ref losing control? Well, spank my @ss and call me Shirley! Like THAT's never happened before in wrestling! Check out that dirty cheater Joshua! He's kicking Kong while he's down!
GBH: Duh. Closer to feet there...
MM: And anyway, Scotty, since when have you ever had a problem with cheap tatics?
SW: Since faces were allowed to do them! Only guys like Kong and Hooligan should be able to cheat! Aww, he's choking him! BOO! YOU SUCK, CRAIG!
Mike Craig: Don't listen to him, son, you're doing great! Rake his eyes! OW!
Charlie: Shurrup, yoo stoopid jobber-wanna-bee..
MM: "Charlie" applies the Asiatic Spike to Mike's throat!! Joshua's been distracted... Hooligan's in.. Full Nelson Atomic Drop! Killalot comes to his partners aid.. big Arthurian British Bulldog! This is out of control!
Unidentified Delivery Boy at the announce table: Hey, which one of those guys is Mike Craig?
SW: Uhh.. the one being strangled by the little Vietnamese fellow..
Delivery Boy: Cheers...
SW: What the hell is going on? That delivery boy is trying to get Mike Craig to sign a form... Craig manages to do it by mule-kicking "Charlie" in the 'nads!
MM: POWERBOMB! POWERBOMB! POWERBOMB!
SW: Three powerbombs in three seconds? Jeez, Kong is quicker than he looks..
Delivery Boy: Thanks, mister.. OKAY, LET 'EM HAVE IT!
Mike Craig: NO! NOT YET! WAIT UNTIL "CHARLIE"'S IN THERE...!!!!
MM: Oh my GOD! The ring and all the participants have been buried beneath an avalanche of.. fresh fish?
Delivery Boy: One metric ton of prime sushi... you want wasabi with that? I've got some in my van...
"Charlie": Sushi?! Me not Japanese! Yoo stoopid, Craig! Oh! Mike Craig DDT's "Charlie" onto the steel steps!
MA: This contest has been declared a no-contest, pending an obvious six-man tag team match at "NAGAM"... thank you for your co-operation...
MM: Well, as the clean-up crew comes out to dig Blackjack, Kong, Killalot and Joshua Craig out of the sushi, we'll take a short break! Don't touch that dial!
GBH: Or I'll squishy you. Yur.
SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY! It'll be Bloody terrific! Or your money back!
The BigBOSS: Yeah, right! If they don't like it they can bite my bum! What? What do you mean the microphone is on?
(Cut to the backstage area. A caption reads "Moments ago". Andrew Spink and Justin Voss are in shot. (A big pop (Similar to the one the Rock gets by simply walking into an arena) is heard from the crowd. Andrew begins to scratch his crotch. The pop turns to groans of disgust. Justin notices and slaps him over the head. Huge pop. Back to ringside. GBH has fallen asleep.)
SW: Well, that was relativly pointless.
MM: And the clean-up crew have swept the last of the sushi out of the ring, so lets go up to the Masked Announcer..
HH: Shut up, Meat! And get your @ss out of that chair!
MM: What? WHOA!
SW: Uhh.. I appear to have been joined by Former Swiss Army Champion, Homicidal Hank. Are you okay, Mike?
MM: (Off-mic) Fine, fine.. I'll just sit here on the floor, shall I?
SW: Good call. Hank, welcome!
HH: Shut the hell up!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, making his BOB debut.. FANBOY!
(Fanboy runs out to ringside, slapping hands on the way. He stops at the sight of a fan in a Mr Spock t-shirt and begins an animated debate with the fan about which was better, "Star Trek:" or "Star Trek: The Next Generation".)
HH: I don't believe the guys the BOSS is hiring these days! This guy is such a freakin' gimp!
SW: I agree.. "Voyager" is better than both of them...
MA: His partner... from Soemwhere, weighing soemthing-or-other... SOEM GUY IN A MASK II!
(Soem Guy runs out. Soem.. sorry, some pop for the masked man. Along with a small "An-ar-chy" chant for soem.. nuts, SOME reason... Cut to the backstage area, where Alfred Hitchcock and Fanboys Mom are watching the match via a monitor.)
Hitch: Good evening...
FM: Fanboy looks so handsome out there, doesn't he Bushy?
(She strokes her dead cat... we cut back to ringside.)
HH: Didn't we already whip this Soem Guys rear back in the STWF?
SW: I think this is a different Soem Guy, Hank... ummm.. do you mind if I ask a question?
HH: Word it carefully, boy...
SW: Hank... why are you here?
HH: Just scouting the competition, boy... You see, I've been on the shelf for a while...
SW: Due to injury?
HH: Due to powerbombing the Li'lBOSS through a picnic table. But it's time I got back into the groove.. and there's a couple of guys on my hit-list...
MA: And their opponents..
V/O: PUT A SMILE ON YOUR DIAL!
HH: Speak of the Devil....
(The Masked Announcer's intro of Copious Amounts of Cheers is drowned out with.. well, copious amounts of cheers... A few chairs are thrown from the less-literate section of the crowd.)
HH: Why are they cheering for this bozo? Never trust a man with a midget I say.. You know what they say about midgets...
SW: That they're always sticking their nose in other peoples business? Hank, you just don't like anyone, do you?
HH: Not particularly...
SW: Voss offers a pre-match handshake to Fanboy, who warily accepts... nice sportsmanship there..
Fanboy: Andrew, are you related to Herve Villchez?
(BOBNote: The spelling is probably wrong.. but you know who I mean, right?)
Andrew: Say whut?
Fanboy: You know, that little guy in "Fantasy Island"? Did you know he had a cameo in "Airplane"? And I heard was actually a normal-sized man, but that Ricaldo Montalban is like 8 foot tall! I mean..
SW: OH! Andrew cuts off Fanboys spiel with a mini-plancha into the lower abdominals!
HH: Looked like a shot in the grapefruits to me, Scotty! All right! The traditional all-in four man brawl! KICK HIS HEAD IN, Soem Guy! Stomp that midget!
SW: Fanboy recovers sufficently to toss Andrew Spink out to the floor! A two-on-one attack on Justin Voss commences! Let's see if these two can work together as a team!
MM: Damn, it, that's my line, Scotty!
HH: Shut your neck! Doible clothesline comin' up!
SW: No! Duck-under by Voss! Rebounds off the ropes.. Double DDT! The crowd goes nuts as Fanboy rolls quickly out of the ring! Voss scoops up Soem Guy and plants him with a Voss-Driver! Ricochets of the ropes and drops a leg on the prone Masked Man! Covers.. Soem Guy kicks out at two!
HH: C'mon! Kick that pretty boys @ss! Get up, Meat!
SW: Soem Guy staggers to his feet as Voss tags to Spink! The Little Big Man rolls in under the bottom rope and dropkicks Soem Guy in the knee! Soem Guy crawls toward his partner as Andrew kicks him in the rear a few times! Fanboy reaches for the tag.. and pulls his hand away at the last second!
HH: Sucker! Heh heh heh! You gotta love these tag matches where the partners don't get along! Soem Guy aint too happy, is he?
SW: He's steaming! A Little-Dragon Screw by Andrew! He rolls over and tags out to Voss! Soem Guy tries for the tag again.. Fanboy jumps off the apron! Soem Guy is furious! Voss picks him up for a nice back suplex! Fanboy applauds!
HH: Ha! Some partner..
SW: Voss is getting the crowd behind him... here it comes.. GRINBREAKER! GRINBREAKER! GRINBREAKER! Hooks the leg... one... two... three! And this almost-handicap match is over very quickly! Soem Guy just didn't have a chance! Fanboy finally enters the ring.. and starts to pummel the prone Soem Guy! Oh, no, The Fat Camp! This is brutal, Hank! Hank?
(Cut to a shot of Hank and Justin Voss fighting into the crowd. Andrew Spink is clinging to Hanks back.)
SW: What is that mans problem with Voss? Do they have some sort of vendetta? Or is he just a pyscho?
MM: I have no idea! Fanboy leaves Soem Guy laying in the ring.. hey! Four kids and a dog have just jumped out of the crowd.. they've got Soem Guy!
Large, Square-Jawed Boy: Now let's find out who you really are! (Pulls off Soem Guys mask.)
Tall, Skinny Boy: Yoinks! It's George the ring crew guy!
Dumpy Girl: Jinkies!
SGIaM: And I would have won my match, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!
Fanboy is loving this.. wait a second! There's a second Soem Guy coming down the ramp.. he's got a chair!
MM: And Fanboy gets wiped out! What the hell is going on?
SW: No idea, don't care, let's take a break...
BOB Enterprises proudly present the OFFICIAL BOB Boardgame! It has no rules, makes no sense and is a gigantic waste of your precious time.. Just like the REAL THING! Order your copy today from Meltin' Badly Games!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen.. it's time for our Monday Morning Mayhem MAIN EVENT! Introducing first... From Parts Forgotten.. making his BOB debut.. DOUJJJJJJAAAA!
(douja stumbles down the aisle to the strains of "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes." And Eddie B. was doing so well today... He quickly swaps CD's. Smokey Robinson comes on singing "You've Gotta Shop Around.". A remarkably good pop for douja, who looks confused... well, more so than usual...)
MA: And his partner.. BOBO Q. FIENNNNDISH!
(Eddie tries to recover from his earlier blunder by getting Bobos' music right. Ice T's "Body Count" plays instead. The psychotic one joins douja in the ring. Huge pop for Bobo.)
MA: And their opponents.. firstly, from Banzai Falls, Georgia.. KAMIKAZZZIE KEN!
(Ken sprints down the asile as "Mozarts 3rd Piano Concerto" is cued. cut to Eddie B, who's studying his CD's intently.)
MA: And his partner.. the Pan-Galactic Champion... LORD LESTAT VON SEXBAT!
("Barbie Girl" by Aqua plays. Lord Sexbat enters looking pained. Cut back to Eddie B. who's storming out of his booth to track down whoever swapped all his CD covers around. Huge heel heat for the duo of Ken and Wes.)
LS: HEY! Tell the disembodied announcer not to call me Wes! Or I shall smite him with my Vampiric Powers! Moo-hahahaha-ha!
HH: Whatever. Hey, apparently there was a major brawl involving Justin Voss, Steve Studnuts, douja and Homicidal Hank in the backstage area during the last commercial break! Have we got any footage of that incident?
The Flunky: No, sorry... Clive was taking a whiz..
MM: Super. Well, this show of endless tag matches is nearly over, folks! Only our main event to go!
SW: Trouble is, next week we're in Oakley, Kansas, the Li'lBOSS'es Home town... and you know how much he loves cage matches?
MM: Oh, yeah he's a regular bear for cage matches.. you don't mean?
SW: Yep. EVERY match on Thursdays is going to be a cage match..
MM: Oh, Lord...
GBH: Duh. Ding!
MM: Thanks GBH... this match is officially underway... eve though we're still in the traditional "Stare-down" stage... Lord Sexbat is face-to-chest with the former Pan-galactic Champ... Bobo just stands there and let's Sexbat trash-talk him.. douja is trash-talking the referee... I guess he thinks it's Ken.
SW: Ken's climbing the ropes... He gives Sexbat the high-sign.. Here we go!
MM: Sexbat dives to one side as Ken lauches himself at Bobo.. Corkscrew axe-kick! Bobo gets that right in the back of the head! Only knocked him to one knee! Lord Sexbat bounces off the ropes and delivers a well-placed drop-kick! douja finally works out who his opponent is and drops Ken with a flying back-elbow!
SW: Ken and douja roll to the floor.. Lord Sexbats about to get another @ss-kicking!
GBH: Duh. Bobo squishy him. Yur.
MM: Actually, Lord Sexbats doing a little better this time out. Nice swinging neckbreaker takes Bobo off his feet! Springboard moonsault.. not even a one-count, though!
SW: You better keep him down, Wes.. or it's bye-bye time!
LS: I'm warning you guys... kock it off!
MM: Sexbat picks up Fiendish.. snap suplex! Bobo bounces to his feet, no-selling the move completely! Lord Sexbat soaks in the cheers that are actually for Bobo... he turns around...
SW: BOOM! Bobo clotheslined him right out of his boots!
MM: Bobo scrapes him up off the canvas.. oh, no.. he's setting up for the "Farewell To The Flesh"! Kamikazie Ken springboards to the top and lauches a variation of the Suicide Squadron to save his tag partner! douja struggles through the ropes and somehow manages to get his hands on Ken.. suplex.. no! Plunging, face-first suplex!
SW: Kens clutching his much-abused nose! That looks like another break! He rolls to the floor! Bobo's going out after him!
MM: He siezes the Hard-core Luchador and sends him face-first into the steps! Lord Sexbat and douja lock up in the ring! Forearms being exchanged! douja rakes the eyes to gain the upper hand! Gut-wrench suplex! He's going to the top.. this is dangerous at any time...
SW: Doubly so when you're stoned as a ferret! He's losing his balance!
MM: Ken never saw the plunging grappler coming! A tough day at the office for Ken! Bobo scoops Ken up off the floor and military presses him!
Bobo: Catch. Heh.
MM: Ken is flung into the fourth row! Bobo drags douja to a vertical base and rolls him back into the ring... Sexbat baseball slides and blasts Bobo into the guardrail! The champ is in control!
SW: C'mon Wes! You can do it!
Lord Sexbat: STOP CALLING ME WES!
MM: Sexbat snaps! He gets up a head of steam..
GBH: Duh. Incoming.
MM: What the hell?!! Scotty, speak to me!
MM: Folks, I don't know if you can still hear me.. our announce position was just wiped out by a Lord Sexbat Suicide Plancha! Lord Sexbat looks like he wiped himself out as well.. Bobo drags him up and hauls him into the ring.. Pump-handle into a powerslam! douja crawls over and covers..1..2..3! It's over!
douja: Uhh.. I pinned him. I'm the champ, yo? Gimmie the belt...
MM: Douja thinks he's won the title! Bobo tosses douja the belt and stalks out of the ring as the fans go bugs-BLEEP!-t! Douja's celebrating, but he's not the champion! This is crazy! We'll see if this mess gets sorted out at NAGAM! Until then, I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe for a semi-concious Scotty Whatbody and a semi-coherant GBH saying, so long!
©2000 BOB Wrestling! Foolishness for the New Millennium