MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 11
I WONDER HOW MANY TIMES SCOTTY WILL SAY "INTERCOURSE" TODAY?
(A near-capacity crowd welcomes us to the Intercourse Arena, in scenic Intercourse, Pennslvyvania. The usual forest of badly-spelled signs are raised, including "Intercourse: Of Course, Of Course.", "Claude vs Herb: Sheep Thrills!" and four guys in sweater vests with "Pete Gas=Ratings" signs. The Flunky is busy setting up a sheep pen, so no pyro tonight.)
MM: Welcome to yet another MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM! I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, along with the voice of incompetance, Scotty Whatbody!
MM: And our special guest commentator...
(A light-jazz version of "Du Hast" begins to play. The crowd gives a huge "home-town" pop as Homicidal Hank appears at the top of the aisle. He's decked out in brand-new jeans, a Lacoste shirt... and a SWEATER VEST? Say it aint so!)
MM: Homicidal Hank returns to Intercourse!
SW: And it's the new, warm fuzzies Hank! Look at that big goof sucking up to the fans!
(Hank is high-fiving the Pete Gas marks by now.)
MM: Well, while we wait for Hank to reach the broadcast position, let's take you up to the masked Announcer for our firct contest!
MA: *ahem*... Ladies and Gentlemen, the following attraction is scheduled for... wait a minute, this match has got XXXtreme Machine in it! Why am I wasting my time reading the cuecard?
XXXtreme Machine Voice-Over: becuase i am no longer XXXtreme Machine and i am no longer Bigg SeXXXy... quake in fear, mortals, becawse i am...
Second Voice Over:||||||||!
XXXtreme Machine Voice-Over: XXXtreme 13!
(A pounding, thumping, and above all, distorted, Steve Blackman-cloned rock theme plays as XXXtreme walks out to thunderous silence. His skin is deathly pale... although the air-conditioning is causing a fine mist of talcum powder to waft behind him. He also sports pink-tinted sunglasses and is followed by Bivalve, who is dressed completely in white.)
MA; Ummm... okay, then. Introducing, from... a little help here?
XXXtreme 13: The place i come from.
MA: The place he comes from... weighing...
MA: ... Something.. and accompianied by... (looks at Bivalve)
MA: Give me strength... accompianied by Woodvalve... XXXTREME 13! And his opponent... (looks at card) Oh, Good Lord... ALEX "STILL NO GIMMICK" SMITH?
(A car alarm goes offf. Several people leap to their feet, before realising it's coming from the PA system. Alex Smith appears, wearing a chainmail janitors cap. He pauses to kiss a non-existant bicep, before being blindsided by Super Mollusc.)
SM: Dammit, Smith! I'M doing the "Big Poppa Mollusc" schtick! Stop ripping off my ripped-off gimmick! HEY! What the hell is my sidekick doing with XXXtreme Machine? Get back to the LimpetCave, Bivalve!
XXX 13: screw off he is my partner now.... ha ha ha
MM: What's going on? Super Mollusc charges the ring and is met by an enraged XXXtreme 13! And here comes Mr X. rappelling down from the rafters!
Mr X: Hey, Bivalve's hitting you, Super Mollusc! F-BLEEP-it! Look, I've got some handcuffs! Ball-lic-BLEEP-er!
SW: Hang on, that's not Mr X! It's Captain Obvious, formerly of the STW(Blank silence).
CO: No, it's not Captain Obvious anymore! Jiz-BLEEP-er! It's AGENT OBVIOUS! Look, it says so on the back of my jacket! I'm a secret agent!
SW: Could this get anymore chaotic?
(off-screen)AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU WANT CHAOS? I GOT YA CHAOS RIGHT HERE!
SW: Oh for the love of OJ's shrunken black gloves! It's Mr Intensity! He doesn't work here!
MM: Hey! Who's that? Is that...?
DSO: Oooh, look at all those men in the ring.. oh, and by the way.. I'M NOT GAY!
MM: It's Da Sassy One!
SW: Hey, it's okay Mike.. this is BOB.. we can call him Da Sassy Bitch if we like! There's more STWF-ers on the way to ringside! Salimino Smith! Monkey Boy! The Tiger! Geez, look at this ring fill up! Hey, that was the Head Trauma Boys! Guess all those guys from the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation were sick of waiting for Canada Day Chaos... and not getting paid!
(Cut to the BigBOSS'es Corporate Box.. well, Corporate Bench.)
The Li'LBOSS: And they were cheap, too!
The BigBOSS: Genius.. pure genius!
(Cut back to ringside. The ring is a seething mass of underpaid grapplers. XXXtreme Machine is trying to crawl out, but several STWF-ers are dragging him back in... and getting a few cheap kicks in...)
XXX 13: no, let me go, i'm not really him... ow, quit it that hurts you hosehead
HH: Well, this is a heck of a way to kick off the show....
MM: Oh, you finally made it, Hank! Nice to have you here!
HH: Gosh-darned nice to be here, Mike! And aint it a lovely morning here in the... well, just darn peachy state of Pennslyvania!
(Mike and Scotty do double takes.)
MM: Do you think they increased his medication just a fraction too high?
SW: Very possibly!
(Cut to the ring. Most of the STWF crew are brawling back to the locker room. A bald-headed Texan is delivering one final STONECUTTER to XXXtreme 13. He pauses to drink a Yoo-Hoo, then leaves to a thunderous pop. The Ambulance Jockeys drag the bruised and gibbering XXXtreme 13 to a gurney.)
SW: Was that B.F Sack?
SW: Well, anyway the curtain jerkers are done for the night.. let's get to some REAL action!
HH: I couldn't agree more, Scotty! Let's see some darn fine action!
MM: Well, all-righty then! How's an "AYOOYFM" Hardcore title match grab ya?
Hank and Scotty: YEAH!
MM: Ok, then let's take you out to the Intercourse Community Skatepark and our special guest commentators, Gonzo and Freekboy from "Thrasher" magazine!
(We cut to the aforementioned skateboard park. Two twenty-somethings are mugging for the camera. In the background, The Deftones are playing on a small stage.)
F: YEAHHH! Props to ya, Mikey! This is gonna be one radical match, right Gonzo?
G: You got it, Freek! Should be a bitchin' contest!! Fanboys playing in Zillas backyard now!
F: And here comes the champion! Yo! You need training wheels on that board, Fanboy?
(Fanboy slowly wobbles into shot on a skateboard that is straining beneath his bulk. He gives the commentators the finger. As he does, the Deftones crank up "Feitcetera" The crowd of kids present pop.)
F: There's Zilla music! No sign of him yet...
G: Yo! Check it out! I see him, man! He's playing bass for the Deftones! Five bucks says Fanboy doesn't spot him!
F: Sucker bet, dude!
F: Five-string Equalizer! Radical! Fanboys is down early! Zilla picks him up and is choking him with a G-string!
G: Who's wearing a G-string? Where is she?
F: Dude, chill! A bass G-string, all right? Zilla grabs a suspiciously-shiny trash container and goes after Fanboy! Kick to the guts by the chubby-boy! Zilla drops the trash can.. FACEBUSTER right onto it! That's gotta hurt!
G: I think it did! Fanboy does a clumsy legdrop onto the back of Zillas neck! Rolls him over.. Zilla kicks out at one!
F: Fanboy's going for a skateboard! He's gonna smack the hell out of Zilla with it...
Wes: PUT ME DOWN!
F: Woooo! fanboy drops Wes, The Talking Skateboard in a hurry! Zilla explodes off the ground and spears Fanboy!
G: And bounced off his fat, blobby gut! What's he doing, man?
F: Dude! He just stole some kids' bike! He's on it... gnarly! A little hardcore flatland action! Big nose-wheelie... spins it 360 and dings Fanboy with the back wheel!
G: Radical! Zilla really puts the "extreme" into.. "extreme"... sorry, man.. that was weak, wasn't it?
F: Totally... Zillas off the bike.. he drags Fanboy up to the top of the halfpipe! Big bodyslam on the wood! Slams his face into the coping!
G: Ooh, a 50/50 facegrind! Sweet! Zilla retrieves Wes... drops into the pipe... picks up speed.. nice height out of the pipe.. Fanboy staggers to his feet...
F: Sick, sick move! A 540 off Fanboys head, coming in fakie! Fanboy crashes into the pipe! He's out! Zilla pulls a celebratory 360 and lands right on top of him! He's covering! 1..2..3! YEAH! New champion!
MA: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion... ZILLA! And the BOSS has decreed that this is now a 24-7 title. Have fun!
F: Zilla stands and salutes the crowd as Freekboy hands him the belt! He is sooo stoked! Wait up! Another skater just dropped in... Huge 720! Crashes down on Zilla! 1..2..3!! What the hell?
MA: *ahem*.. Here is your winner.. and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion... TONY HAWK!
F: Tony Hawk! The legend! He's the new champ! This is sensational! It's bigger than the 900...
G: OH! The Hawkman just got blindsided by the lead singer of the Deftones! A cover.. 1..2..3!
MA: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion... CHINO MORENO of The Deftones!
F: Zilla blasts Chino with his skateboard! Chino falls... Zillas covering! 1..2..3!
MA: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion... WES!
G: Okay, so the skateboard made the cover... and here comes the lead singer of Rage against the Machine! A cover..
(Cut back to the ringside area.)
MM: Well, that could take a while to sort out.. we'll bring you the result of our Hardcore match later in the program...
SW: And I though WCW was over-booking their matches...
COMING RELATIVLY SOON! The Greatest BOB Pay-per-View since the last one! SNORE GAMES! The Match Be-Yawn! Be there or be a rectangular thing!
MM: We're back! And we can tell you that the Barbados Skanks laid yet another beatdown on the Tag Champs backstage! However, due to a slight scheduling error, we have no footage of it... but apparently it was brutal!
SW: Trust me, it was... you should have seen Joshua Craig using the can of Pledge... oh, baby!
MM: Moving on...
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen.. this contest is scheduled for one fall, with a two run-in limit. Introducing simultaneously to save time.. "THE CAPRINID KID" HERB ROMAINE and CLAUDE "LIGHTNING CLIPPERS" LEROUX!
(Eddie B gives us his "Born Free with a Head of Hair" mix as the two participants run down the aisle side by side. Herb beats Claude by 1/100th of a second and does a victory lap around the ring. Claude waits until he reaches the aisle again, then clotheslines him.)
MM: And this one is on! Claude drags Herb into the ring and is whaling away at him!
HH: Nice work by my former "Pennslyvania Total Psycho Wrestling" compadre there! Big short clothesline drops the sheep.. ummm.. lover? Would that be alright to say? I'm not pushing the boundaries of good taste there am I?
SW: This from a guy who once teamed with a necrophilliac as "Kill 'Em and Fill 'Em"... sheesh! It's so sad when they mellow out in their old age...
MM: Cluade scoops up Herb... shoulder breaker! Nice old-school move there! Giant swing! Round and round he goes!
SW: This is so retro! Where's the table spot? The T and A? The gratuitous interferance?
MM: Relax, Scotty.. maybe this one will end clean and NOT lead to a protracted, pointless feud?
SW: Yeah, and pigs might fly!
MM: Claude whips Herb to the ropes.. drops his head.. float-over DDT! Nicely done! Fistdrop! A cover.. Claude squirms out at two!
HH: You'll need more than that to pin the sheepshearer! They breed them tough in New Zealand!
SW: Who told you that?
HH: Claude did. Why?
MM: Herb delivers a crushing jackhammer! A cover.. kickout at 2 and a half!
SW: Hey... the producer is telling me we have made some progress in the resolution of the Hardcore match! Let's go out to our stand-in ring announcer...
GBH: Duh. One. Duh. Two. Duh. Free. Here is your winner. Duh. And new champee thingee... FREEK BOY!
GBH: Duh. One. Two...
MM: Oh, brother... Back in the ring, Claude has gained the upper hand is is putting the galoshes to Herb!
HH: I believe they call those "gumboots" in New Zealand, Mike!
MM: Really?! You must have mistaken me for someone who cares, Hank!
SW: Hey, is there a sheep at ringside?
MM: There sure is! It looks like one of Herbs Flock! And it's getting in the ring!
SW: This is getting surreal...
HH: Claude hasn't seen it coming! Heb waves the sheep closer as the Generic Ref is being distracted by The Flunky! The sheep strikes... AND ATTACKS HERB! What the hell?
MM: Herb looks shocked! Claude joins in the vicious beatdown of Herb as the sheep takes off... A SHEEP COSTUME! It wasn't one of Herbs sheep at all! It was one of Claudes sheep! What a double-cross!
SW: What a stupid plot development...
HH: What's going on? I gotta stop combining my anti-pyschotics with my anti-depressants! Now there's a sheep dog in the ring attacking the sheep! And who's the guy in the chain mail?
MM: Sir Hung.. Sir Killalot is interjecting himself in this match! Or possibly just trying to seperate his sheep dog from that sheep it's attacking!
SW: Are you sure that could be called "attacking"?
HH: Heh heh heh.. now that's one SURPRISED-lookin' sheep!
MM: The Generic Ref turns around... and calls for the bell! What's the descion?
MA: *ahem*... The referee has declared this shambles of a match a NO CONTEST! Like the first match of a feud like this would end clean... I mean, come on, wise up, people!
(Cut to the skatepark.)
GBH: Duh.. here is winner. And NEW Champ. Duh. ME! Hee...
(Zilla covers the prone GBH and gets a three-count. He quickly grabs the belt, runs into the street and leaps on a city bus. It roars off. Cut back to the ring.)
MA: *ahem*.. Your winner.. and TWO-TIME "AYOOYFM" Champion...
(Cut to the skatepark. A statistician is totalling up some figures.)
(Back to the Masked Announcer.)
MA: Whatever. ZILLA!
MM: Thank heavens that's over with... because it's MAIN EVENT time!
SW: About time.. what's with all the screwjobs today?
HH: Hey, we're in Intercourse... EVERYONE gets screwed in Intercourse, Scotty. Heh heh heh...
SW: I should've seen that one coming...
MA: The following contest is an Intercourse Cage Match! Introducing first, representing the Four (Hung Like) Horesmen.. from Naples, Italy.. DR SILLICONE M. PLANTS!)
("Smooth Operator" flows from the speakers like melted butter as SMP stalks down the aisle, ducking trash a-plenty.)
SW: I LOVE these Hung Like Horsemen! They are sooo cool!
MM: How can you say that? This is their first offical match, Scotty?
SW: Hey, I love heels, what can I say?
MA: And his opponent... from Someplace I Can't Remember Because The Rant Zone Ate It... representing the Guys That Are Feuding With The Four Hung Like Horsemen And Need a Proper Team Name... DOUJA!
("How High" fizzles from the PA as douja is guided to the ring by the Flunky, who then padlocks the cage when both men are inside.)
MM: This is going to be brutal! Two men battling it out in the confines of the ubiquitous steel cage! No retreat! No Surrender!
SW: Hey! Kamikazie Ken's in the rafters!
MM:... And no Suprises! Ken lauches a death-defying plancha for the earliest Main Event interferance I've seen since.. well, Nitro..
HH: Oooh! Someone should have told Kenny that an Intercourse Cage includes a roof!
MM: The Hardcore Luchador bounces off and crashes through the timekeepers desk! I bet that hurt!
SW: Duhhhh.. really? Here we go in the ring! SMP locks up.. boom! Whips the back of doujas' head into the steel! Dirty pool.. and I love it!
MM: He's not letting up for a second! Knife-edge chop!
MM: And another!
Crowd: E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!
MM: And a third!
HH: Dammit, Flunky, get the right cuecard out!
The Flunky: I'm trying to find it!
Crowd: LET'S GO BEA-VERS, LETS GO! (Clap-clap)
HH: The Intercourse Beavers, dummy! The local football team...
SW: Oh.. gotcha! Nice uranage by the Sinister Surgeon! Kneedrop into the small of the back! Grinds it in! We're seeing a real nasty streak in Plants! Applies a bow-and-arrow! The Generic Ref asks douja if he wants to quit...
GR: You heard him... Do you want to quit?
douja: No.. but I could really go for a Twinkie, dogg...
MM: Douja reaches the ropes! He regains his vertical base and ducks a clubbing forearm! Siezes SMP by the seat of his pants and slams him face-first into the steel! Reverse DDT! Douja makes a cover... The ref isn't counting!
HH: Intercourse Cage Match, bud... It aint over 'till there's bodily fluids on the mat!
SW: WHAT? That's sick!
HH: Blood, Scotty, blood... It's a A First Juice Cage match!
SW: Oh.. that's all right, then... BUST HIM UP, DOUJA!
MM: I thought you were cheering for Plants, Scotty?
SW: Hey, if someone's gonna bleed, I don't care who wins! OOH! The Chronic Neck Pain! Another cover from douja! The Generic Ref is trying to explain the rules to douja... still trying... drawing some little pictures for him now... acting it out with glove puppets... oh, wait... douja seems to have twigged!
MM: He sure has! Rakes SMP's face across the bars! Sling-shot into the bars!! And SMP is busted open!! Has douja won it?
HH: Nahhh... He's bleedin', so pinfalls count on him now, though.
MM: Douja doesn't go for the pin... slingshot suplex! Where did he find the co-ordination for that one? Douja slides out and is looking for a table! Cheks under the ring.. and he's found one!
douja: Uhh.. what the f*ck? This is a picnic table! Damn cracka @ss fed...
MM: He sets it up anyway! Although he might have been wiser to get it in the ring first...
SW: Hey! Ken is back to his feet! That maniac doesn't know when to quit! And he's got something! It's a portable welding kit! He's not going to do what I think he's going to do, is he?
MM: I think he is! He's climbing the cage! It looks like he's going to cut open the roof and plancha douja through the crust of the earth! Meanwhile, douja himself has given up in his struggles with the picnic table and returned to the ring! SMP was waiting for him, though! NIPPLECUTTER! Douja drops to his knees... SMP has a scapel!!
SW: Already? Damn those network time restraints...
HH: I can't look!
MM: Neither can I!
SW: I'll look, I'll look! YES! Slashes douja across the face! He hits the mat and rolls into a feotal position, cradling his head!
HH: And probably doing a blade job on himself... I mean, c'mon! SMP never touched him! But look... he's bleeding like a faucet!
MM: He's right! He's busted open! Both men are ripe for the picking now!
SW: Speaking of open, Ken's fired up the blowtorch! He's going to work on the cage! SMP picks up douja and props him up on his shoulders... Oh no! He's going to heft doujas' face up into the flame of that blowtorch! He's going to far!
HH: I agree! Move your @ss, Meat!
MM: What the hell? Hank has left the broadcast position... he's climbing the cage! Hank is actually going to doujas' aid, after feuding bitterly with him for over a year in the S(blank silence)F! Oh, baby! A major fistfight has broken out between Ken and Hank on top of the cage!! They're in a precarious position, high above the arena floor! SMP falls forward, flapjacking douja into the mat! SMP is in control of this one! He stands up and arrogantly gives the crowd a one-finger salute!
MM: The cage roof! It's...
MM: Oh my! Hank and Ken just creamed Sillicone M. Plants! He's not moving! douja crawls over and draps an arm over his chest!
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!!!
MM: douja wins! douja wins! What a battle!
SW: And it's not over! Hank has the luckless Ken... POWERBOMB over the top rope and THROUGH THE TABLE!!! WHOOO-HOO! Hank and douja high-five in the ring as the crowd goes nuts! The Hung Like Horsemen have to be livid!
MM: And we are out of time! Fans, we'll see you at NAGAM, coming to you from Canada for the first time EVER! Until then, for Scotty Whatbody, and Homicidal Hank, I'm Mike Monroe, saying so long!!
©2000 BOB Wrestling! WE DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE US, JUST KEEP BUYING THE DAMN MERCHANDISE!