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BOB Coast to Coast

(We open with a sweeeping pan over the open-air TinyBowl in Chicken, Alaska! (Population, bugger all people, three horses and a moose called Stanley.) Entertainment-starved Alaskans are hanging from the rafters... metaphorically speaking, natch... We then pan the interior of the Bowl... The usual crop of signs arise... no less than 14 "Pete Gas=Ratings" signs this week... also of note; "Steve Studnuts is a Jerkweed", "Anal Krevis: Redefining the HeadBUTT" and "GBH Good. Yur." We pan to the announce desk, to find Scotty Whatbody and Dennis The Stereotypical English Interview Guy presiding over affairs.)

D: Hello everybody and WELCOME to Monday Morning Mayhem, what? Jolly nice of you to join us on this fine and frosty morning here in Chicken!

SW: FINE AND FREAKING FROSTY?? It's f-BLEEP-ing FREEZING, man! Where the hell is Monroe?! Why isn't he here freezing his butt off like the rest of us...

D: Apparently his grandmother died, old chap...

SW: What, AGAIN?! Someone put a stake through her heart already!

D: Well, that's as may be... but it's time we got things rolling, eh what? Apparently GBH is standing by with BOB debutante, Cookie Cutter Girl...

(Cut to the backstage area... all of the BOB-sters are crowded together in the tiny area. GBH is indeed with Cookie Cutter Girl.)

GBH: Duh... Me here. With. Duh... Pretty girl. Duh. You pretty. Hee...

CCG: Like, thanks! But, y'know, I don't really like guys who are, like... tooooo muscular, okay! But, like... do you have that Mike Craigs phone number, or some junk? He kinda looks like Matt Damon, kinda. And I'd just like to thank the Li'lBOSS for this funky new spandex outfit he brought me!

GBH: Duh... pretttty..

CCG: Thanks! It's a little like, tight, though...

GBH: GBH: Duh... yur. Hee.

(Cut to the Masked Announcer.)

MA: This match is scheduled for one fall, or eight minutes of T and A, whichever comes first! Introducing first, from The BOSS Hasn't Updated The Roster, USA, weighing an Unknown amount of pounds... COOKIE CUTTER GIRL!!

(The fans give the usual reaction that a female wrestler wearing tight spandex in chilly weather usually gets... Sixpence None The Richers' "Kiss Me" is practically drowned out.)

D: I can hardly hear myself think, Scotty! Tremendous ovation from the fans! They're on their feet!

SW: Hey, she's got me upstanding, Dennis! One question, though... what happened to our opening jobber squash?

D: Slight hitch in that one, Scotty... we pre-taped it... and while we wait for Bloody Mary to arrive, let's go to the tape, eh what?

SW: What?

(Cut to footage from earlier that day.)


MA: This match is scheduled for one fall... introducing first, from (CENSORED), Quebec... accompanied by his manager, Mr (CENSORED)... (CENSORED) KREVIS!

SW: Anal Krevis? It was supposed to be Awesome Adam in the jobber match!

D: Sssshh! The cards were mixed up...

SW: They're not the only things mixed up... what the hell is going on?

Voice-Over: Well he's an (Dubbed Silence)-man!

(Dennis Learys' "CENSORED" plays as (CENSORED) Krevis heads to the ring... at least we (CENSORED)ume it's him... his gigantic bum-like head has been fuzzed out by network censors.. those (CENSORED)-s...)

MA: And his opponent... from Parts Censored... XXXTREME 13!

SW: I thought it was Bivalve? Will someone please explain what the heck is going on?

(XXXTreme 13 enters to "Why's Everybody Always Picking On Me?" by the Bloodhound Gang. The bell rings... twice...)

SW: Hey, the CCG/Bloody Mary match just started! Can we get a camera on it? Split-screen or something? Oh, for (CENSORED)s sake!

(The screen shows a brief monatge of the (CENSORED) Krevis/XXXtreme 13 match-up, obscured with large patches of mosiac... it's kind of like watching a 60 Minutes expose' with more fighting. Even a sign in the front row is (CENSORED)... but did he really think they'd let him get away with holding up a "FRUIT BOOTY" sign? The montage ends with Krevis standing on the top rope, about to deliver the Full Moon... we cut back to black before he can drop his pants though...)


(Cut to ringside.)

SW: Well, thank God that's over.. now we can get back to some... decent... wrestling...

(Scottys voice trails off as we behold the ring. Bloody Mary is being dragged off a fan holding a "Goth Chicks Do It in the Dark" sign, while in the ring CCGirl has Lord Sebat over her knee, adminstering a sound spanking.)

Lord Sexbat: OW! OW! Stop it Mommy, I'll be good! OW!

SW: Now this is just disturbing...

D: I should say so... I haven't seen this much depravity since the last Conservative Party Confernce back in England, old chap....

(Cut to a blank screen. Soothing music plays.)


(One minute later we cut back to the ring.)


(Cut to black again. Another minute goes by. Back to ringside.)

D: ... Romaine and Claude are in the ring!

Sheep: BAAAAA!


(Back to black.)

(Audio Only)SW: Mary-Beth's in the ring! What the hell?! She's got Cookie Cutter Girl!


Every Male In Attendance: YEAHHHHHHHH!


(The audio cuts out. Two minutes later we cut back to the ring. Cookie Cutter Girl is in the ring, draped in an Alaskan State flag. The Generic Ref raises her hand.)

MA: Here is your winner.. as the result of a count-out... COOKIE CUTTER GIRL! Does anyone have a cigarette?

(Cut to the announce table. Dennis and Scotty are slumped in their chairs, sweating despite the Alaskan conditions.)

D: What a match!

SW: I'll say... do you think we'll get it by the Network?

D: I don't see why not...

SNORE GAMES! Order now! Or else you won't see it! First 25 customers win a spoon!

Mark Madden-Like Voice-Over: WIN-A-SPOONIE! WIN-A-SPOONIE! OH MY GOD!

D: And we're back!

MA: Ladies and Gentlemen.. it's time for our MAIN EVENT!

SW: WHAT? What the hell happened to the "AYOOYFM" match?

D: One second old chap...

(Dennis turns to a fax machine which is printing out a mewssage.)

D: Umm.. let's see... oh yes, here we are! It seems that Zilla pinned Awesome Andy after powerbombing him through a flaming glass table onto a bed of nails... which then exploded... and then a bookshelf fell on him. Sounds jolly exciting, what?

SW: Hell yeah! Don't we have footage of it? That sounded like the most hardcore match we've EVER had!

Clive: No footage, eh? I told them they needed a second cameraman, but the BOSS couldn't afford it... sorry!

SW: This BITES! It's like someones using this card to take cheap pot-shots at federations that delay their card for weeks and then cop-out by only giving the results! I'm going home!

D: What? Oh dear, sorry about this fans, but Scotty appears to be leaving.... Oh, well, I'm sure I can muddle along without him...

MA: As I was saying.. this is our MAIN EVENT! Introducing first... (checks card)... from the mists of time... oh, give me a break! *ahem*... the Immortal LORD LESTAT VON SEXBAT!

("Sour Times" plays as Sexbat emerges through a curtain of mist... well, a grey curtain.. well, okay, a the bedsheet that seperates the arena from the backstage area... Bloody Mary and a gaggle of assorted succubi accompiany him. Boos and catcalls a-plenty for the Champ)

MA: His partner... the Sinister Sturgeon.. SILLICONE M. PLANTS!

("Sour Times" fades into "Smooth Operator". No scratching or re-mixing... guesss Eddie B. didn't make the trip North... SMP enters, glares at The Masked Announcer for confusing him with seafood, and starts to toss his black overcoat into the crowd... then stops. Looks like his meagre BOB paycheck has to go further since his STWF gigs are so scare recently. He instead tosses a scalpel into the crowd... In hindsight, a bad move, but once the flesh wounds healed, that kid will have a nice souvineer.)

MA: And their partner... The Hardcore Luchador... KAMIKAZIE KEN!

("The Ride of The Valkyries" plays, mingled with the sound of a helicopter, which over-flies the arena. Twenty seconds later, Ken crashes into the ring, a slightly-defective rappelling line trailing behind him.)

MA: Ouch. *ahem*... Introducing their opponents... firstly, from Portland, Oregon... "The Stereotyped Face" JUSTIN VOSS!

("If You're Happy And you Know It, Clap Your Hands" plays, bringing the crowd to it's feet. (Hey, we said they were entertainment-starved, this just proves it...) Eventually, it dwindles off into silence.)

D: I say, I wonder where Justin is?

(Cut to the BOSS'es Corporate Office.)

BB: I've been asking that question for weeeks. Are we still paying him?

LB: I think so...

BB: Stop payment on his check then... Now send in a replacement, Li'LBOSS...

LB: Way ahead of you! (grabs a cellphone)

(Cut back to ringside. Sir Killalot and douja have been introduced, and are at ringside, shaking hands and sharing doobies with the fans. The Masked Announcer is on a cell-phone.)

MA: Right.. okay, right... uh-huh. Gotcha! *ahem*... Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a subsitution... the partner of Sir Killalot and douja... BOBO Q. FIENDISH!

(The fans explode in a Superbowl-sized pop. "See You In Hell" bursts over the speakers as SMP tries to hide behind Lord Sexbats hair. Eventually, the music once more dwindles into silence. Cut back to the BOSS'es.)

BB: Nice choice, anklebiter! He jumped ship to the STWiff, remember? Oh, just pass me the Medium-Sized Bucket!(TM)

(The Lil'BOSS does so, and the BigBOSS grabs an entire handful of names.)

BB: Let's see... Soem Guy In a Mask? Nahhh.. "Twisted Jaws" Steiner Mercury? No. 10-10-321? No! The Phobic? Damn it, I HAVE to update this Bucket!

(Cut back to ringside just as Lord Sexbat baseball slides Sir Killalot.)

D: GOSH! What a move! Sir Killalot was knocked for six when his back was turned! Kamikazie Ken performs a death-defying plancha over the ropes and flattens douja! What impact! SMP sneers at the crowd as Sexbat and Ken put the boots to their fallen opponents! Ken scoops up douja and rolls him into the ring!

*** Bell Rings

And it would appear that this is suddenly a handicap match! SMP chops douja into the corner! European uppercut! He punishes douja with a T-Bone suplex! An arrogant one-footed cover, but not even a one-count! What a cad that man is! Sir Killalot is on the recieving end of a bit of biffo from Ken and Sexbat! They toss him over the barricade and into the fans! Lord Sexbat returns to the ring, as Kenneth begins setting up a table!

SW: All right, what did I miss?

D: What? Oh, hello again Scotty... I knew your sense of loyalty wouldn't allow you to walk out and desert your post!

SW: Sense of loyalty? Blow that, Dennis... The BOSS said if I didn't come back, I'd call the next ten NAGAM's with GBH as my color man!

D: Oh dear... I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

SW: You're telling me! Hey! The goody-goodies are getting a pounding! YEAH!

D: Rather! A double running clothesline sends douja to the canvas! SMP pulls the ref aside...

SW: Dirty tricks time! Oh yeah! Wes has wrapped a chain around his fist! Classic heel technique! And he's pummelling douja sensless! Well, more senseless than usual!

D: Look at Ken! He's dragging Killalot up the lighting rig... and he's stacked five tables atop one another! For the love of the Queen Mothers corgis! Somebody stop him!

SW: Like who?

("Du Hast" explodes over the PA. The crowd does likewise as)


(jumps out of the crowd.)

D: He's coming to the rescue, and I wouldn't want to be in Kens boots now!

(The music suddenly changes to "Mmmm-Bop." Hank ceases his charge and begins shaking hands and signing autographs for the fans.)

D: Oh no! Hanks still too passive to fight the Horsemen effectivly!

SW: Hahahahahaaaa!! This is too cool! SQUISH HIM, KEN!

(The crowd falls silent as Ken tries to suplex Sir Ronald off the gantry they're perched on. Killalot blocks it once.. twice.. a third time...)


(He siezes Ken's cape and delivers the fabled "McLiverpool Kiss" headbutt with full force. Ken's head snaps backwards, his hands lose their grip and the crowd goes...)



D: Good LORD! Ken and Sir Ronald plummet to the earth, and smash through four of the five tables Kdn had set up! *ahem* E-C-Double-Yew! E-C-Double-yew! Jol-ly Good! Jol-ly Good!

SW: Why did the fifth one explode? I mean, hell of a bump and all, but where's the logic in that? Tables don't just exploded for no reason!

(Cut to a laboratory. A statistician points to a bar graph.)

Statistician: That's where Scotty was wrong! This graph clearly shows that incidents of spontaneous combustion in furniture have increased 750% over the last fourteen years! In 1990 for example, eight armchairs, eleven tables and a rocking chair were reported to have exploded unexpectedly in the United States, alone!

(He sits down. His chair explodes. We cut back to the ring.)

SW: Glad they cleared that up for me. douja is still getting worked over in the ring! Big sidewalk slam from SMP! Sexbat delivers a split-legged moonsault! The ref is letting this blatant double-teaming continue! Good on him, I say! Homicidal Hank has made it to the ring and he's talking to Sexbat! Is he actually trying to reason with Sexbat? Oh, yeah.. that'll wok!

D: Come on, old chap... a persausive argument might convince Sexbat not to be such a nasty fellow... come on Hank, talk some sense into him!

Hank: Now, let's look at this sensibly, Wes...


Hank: Oh, I'm sorry... I emphasise with you entirely... now, as I was saying...


SW: What the hell?!! The Flunky just laid out Hank with a chair! What's going on?

(The Flunky pauses to diddle his nipples. The crowd goes beserk as he removes his Flunky Mask. (rrp, $6.95, avaliable at the BOB Online Shop...)

D: IT'S LANCE MAYHEM! This is just NOT Right!

SW: Who cares! Look at him go to work on Hank! Sexbat has douja! HUUUUge hair-assisted headbutt! Reverse DDT! Sir Killalot crawls out of the tables and gets waffled by Mayhem!!

D: The faces aren't going to make it to Snore Games!

Voice-Over: Heeere I come to save the day!

D: What the? It's ZILLA! He races down the aisle on his skateboard and spears Lance Mayhem into the ring apron! Sir Killalot has the chair! He swings at Lance!


SW: Man! Say goodnight, Lance! He's out! douja ducks a Lord Sexbat clothesline... THE SUDDEN MOMENT OF CLARITY!

D: Excuse me, Vicar?

SW: Well, it was a Stunner/Last Dance/Diamond Cutter-ish thing... I didn't know what to call it! douja is crawling toward his corner to try to tag in Killalot! Sexbat is crawling toward SMP... why does that awlays happen?

D: What's that old chap?

SW: Well, SMP was double-teaming away like crazy, now he's in the corner waiting for the tag... what up wid dat?

D: Building the suspense, old man... it's traditional! Willl douja make it? Will he get there? Of course he will... but he always gets the tag..


D: A few seconds AFTER...


D: ... the heel... and then his previously useless partner goes crazy in the ring...


D: ... And we can shout things like... "HES A HOUSE OF FIRE! KILLALOT IS CLEANING HOUSE!" and all that... and the fans mark out like crazy....


SW: Groovy! Killot is taking care of both Sexbat and SMP! Biiiiig bodyslam for the Doc! Dropkicks Sexbat through the ropes! He's setting up SMP... McPILEDRIVER! He makes the cover! One! Two! Thr..

D: Ken pulls the ref out of the ring! And clotheslines him! That ruffian! Look out! Hank has a chair... he blasts Ken right in the face! And then apologises! How odd...

SW: Ken is clutching at his face... could've fractured a cheekbone... let's hope we have one of those funky "Phantom of The Opera" masks for him to wear at Snore Games! Zilla and Mayhem are brawling in the aisle! Hank drags Ken into the crowd... we're left with just Plants and Sexbat versus Killalot and douja! douja jackhammers SMP into the mat! Tornado DDT from the Arthurian warrior on the vampire-wannabe! A pair of covers!

D: And no referee! Wait! Here come the Flunky! He's wearing a referees shirt! Slides into the ring... one.. two.. kickouts! So close! The faces converse... It looks like Killot is setting up for another McPILEDRIVER... this time on Sexbat! doujas going to give SMP the Chronic Neck Pain!

SW: NO! SMP flips douja over! He runs into the ropes... BOOBIESAULT!



SW: SMP covers douja! Killalot covers Sexbat! The Generic Ref has recovered! He counts! The Flunky counts! Ones! Twos! Threes! Ring the bells, these ones are over!

D: But they were both pinning! Who won, old chap?

SW: This close to a pay-per-view? WHO CARES? Just get everybody out here for the traditonal pre-PPV all-in brawl!

D: Oh, spiffing! Here they come! Mayhem, Ken, Zilla, Hank, even Steve Studnuts! A huge brawl has broken out! Wonderful stuff... but we're out of time, so we'll see you at "SNORE GAMES: THE MATCH BE-YAWN!"

Mark Madden-Like Voice-Over: OH MY GOD!



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