MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 13!
Is it YOUR Lucky Night??
(We open with some generic stock footage of Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee, intercut with stock footage of Elvis perfoming. The young, thin Elvis... as opposed to the older, banana-and-peanut-butter-fried-sandwich-eating sweaty Elvis. We round out with some stock footage of pyro and a maniacal, cheering capacity crowd. Before cutting to our usual half-full, apathetic BOB crowd in a generic "Teeny-Tiny Arena", very possibly the same bingo hall we held NAGAM 10 in. Tons of signs are raised, including "The Dyslexic Avenger O.K Rules", "Pete Gas=Ratings", "Pete Gas for President", "Stinkybutt Nastyass Has Gas", "J.C Long=J.C Brawley?" and "Come Back Bobo, All Is Forgiven!" Eddie B is playing "Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes" instead of "Graceland" as he was told to, beacause in his words "All that 80's crap sounds the same to me!". A shot of the announce table shows that GBH is present this week.)
MM: Hello and WELCOME to the 13th... MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM!
SW: Woo-frickin'-hoo! I'm Soooo excited...
GBH: Duh. And me just can't hide it. Yur.
M: And I know, I know, I know that you're gonna like it! We've got some great matches today.. including THREE, count them THREE title defenses! Pan-Galactic champ douja squares off against Da Sassy Bitch, who isn't gay apparently! The Battle From Beyond The Sirs for the Swiss Army Title as Killalot meets Hungalot!
SW: And we're going to Yawnalot!
MM: Zilla versus Mike Dangerous in a ThunderDome Cage match! And... (shuffles his notes around)... something else!
GBH: Duh. Mike forget format. Hee.
MM: Oh be quiet! So let's go to our first match...
(Cut to commercial)
Hey, sports fans! Are you eagerly following the NCAA tournament to find out who will be the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS? Well, you football fans shouldn't feel left out! Because "SEND US MONEY: FOOTBRAWL!" is only a matter of weeks away! Well, maybe months. But order now anyway! SEE the Li'lBOSS take on Li'l Peppy Polar in a "Li'l Cage" match! MARVEL at the most brutal game of all-in football EVER! And possibly even see a few titles change hands! All at "SEND US MONEY: FOOTBRAWL!"
MM: I must have last weeks script... Is it Bohemoth and Billy Polar tonight? Masked Announcer, a little help?
MA: I just read the cards, Mike... Ladies and Gentlemen... our first match is a ThunderDome Cage match for the "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind?" Hardcore Title! Introducing the participants... both currently in the ring... MIKE DANGEROUS and ZILLA!!
(Tina Turner's "We Don't Need Another Hero" plays as the ThunderDome Cage lowers from the rafters. Zilla and Mike Dangerous are standing on ledges halfway up their respective sides of the dome. Both are dressed in post-apocalyptic looking leatherwear. Various cheap-looking weapons are strapped to the inside of the cage. Including Wes, the Enchanted Skateboard.)
SW: Hey, we're ripping off "Battledome"! T-MONEY RULES!
MM: It's not that sort of Dome, idiot! I can't believe you watch that show. Rollerjam, now THERE's a show!
GBH: Duh. And they say me stoopid. Yur.
*** (Yes, that was the bell.)
MM: Here we go! It looks as though both Zilla and Mike Dangerous are strapped to bunji cords! Yes, they are... They leap from their ledges and try to spring to the weapons! This could be bloody!
SW: It'll be bloody funny if they haven't practised with those bunjis... Zilla nearly rammed himself into the cage!
MM: Hey, they spent a whole week training with the BOB ThunderDome Expert!
MM: Ummm... Kamikazie Ken...
(Cut to the Hardcore Luchador himself, lying semi-concussed backstage.)
SW: Oh, this is going to be so cool!
GBH: Duh. Ow.
SW: Bwa-ha-ha-haaa! MIke D. just face-planted himself! Zillas' struggling to get a morning star off the cage and keeps missing it! This is hilarious!
MM: Mike launches himself across the cage as Zilla finally manages to snag a cattle prod! MID-AIR SPEAR! Zilla is SLAMMED into the bars! He struggles to fend Dangerous off...
MM: ... And does so! Mike is blasted back to the other side of the dome, over-selling that shock beautifully! Zilla leaps... flies across the cage... M.D gets the boot up! Face-first into the size something-or-other! Zilla looks dazed! Mike slaps on a cross-armbreaker! Braces his feet on the cage and pushes Zilla out into empty space! The Hardcore Champ has got nowhere to go and no leverage!
SW: He does have a cattle prod! Look at Mike Dangerous twitch!
MM: Do you know anything about Mike Dangerous, Scotty? Dennis says he can never find him for an interview.
SW: Not a lot, Mikey... I only have one picture of him... from his high school yearbook! *coughcough*GEEK*Cough*...
GBH: Duh. Yur. Chess Club. Hee.
MM: You're kidding, right? He wasn't a nerd, was he? If he owns a gun, we're in BIG trouble...
SW: You got it, Mikey. Wait'll you see the photo, though... I swear he's wearing a pocket-protector!
MM: Well, turning our attention back to the match, I see that Mike D. has wrestled a kendo stick off the cage! He's managed to knock the cattle prod out of Zillas hands!
SW: Oooh! Ballshot number one! Got him right in the pachingas! Zilla recoils violently... he's OUTTA CONTROL! He's bouncing around the cage like a pinball! He actually headbutted Wes so hard he knocked one of his wheels off! That's gotta hurt! I think. I mean, he's a skateboard...
MM: Zilla's slowing.. Mike tries to make the cover... in mid air... wait a minute! How can he pin him if they're bouncing around on bunji ropes!
(Cut to the BOSS'es. The BigBOSS is in the classic "Frozen In The Act Of Slapping His Forehead" pose. The Li'LBOSS shakes his head and walks offscreen. He returns with a stepladder, sets it up beside the BigBOSS, ascends it, and slaps the BigBOSS over the head.)
LB: Nice planning, Stuart! Way to book things!
BB: Damn it! How did they win in that Mad Max movie?
LB: They fought to the death, you idiot!
(The BOSS'es exchange thoughtful looks... then shake their heads.)
LB: Too bad Neige Thirteen doesn't still work here. Well, I'm sure they'll work out how to bring it home...
(Back to ringside.)
MM: And the aerial battle continues! Zilla fights back with a Death Valley Driver in the Air!
SW: A DVDA?
GBH: Duh. No go there, Scotty. Naughty.
(Sudden shot of BOB New Jersey. It's empty. Well, what did you expect, it's like, 5AM local time...)
MM: Zilla slams Mike against the cage! Rams him into the bars! Backflip drop-kick! Mike explodes back with clothesline! Zilla is knocked for a 720! Flying.. and I do mean FLYING headbutt sends Zilla tumbling! This one could go on all day! Dangerous has Zilla in an abdominal stretch! But the Generic Ref is too far below to hear a submission.. damn it, this on really IS going to go all day!
SW: I think the ring crew agrees, Mike... they're raising the cage! The match continues, but we're moving on! Why? Valuble commercial time getting wasted, of course!
This edition of Monday Morning Mayhem is brought to you by CROCODILE! The Other, Other, Other white meat! Eat it before it eats you! And by the Wisconson Air Slams All-Pro Team!
(Cut to a shot of a Wisconson frat boy throwing a full cup of beer over his head and attempting to drink it as it splatters all over him.)
The All-Pro Team! Getting damp and drunk since 1998!
GBH: Duh. And we back. Yur.
MA: This contest is a "Why The Hell Isn't THIS a PPV Match" match. Introducing first... Weighing a mammoth 490 pounds and making his BOB debut... From Charleston, West Virginia... the former STWF Intergalactic Champ... the Big Bo... BOOOOOOHEEEMMMOTHHHHHH!
SW: The Masked Announcer HAS to cut down his caffine intake! Seriously.
(Griegs "The Hall of The Mountain King" (Greig Roling In His Grave Crappy MIDI w/Eddie B. Scratches Mix) plays as Bohemoth stumbles half-blindly to the ring to a roof-shaking pop.)
MA: And his opponent... Weighing considerablty LESS than 490 pounds and accompianed by Li'l Peppy Polar... He went to Harvard, and boy does it show.. . He is WILLIAM "Billy" POOOOOLARRRRRR!!! Esquire.
(Another gargantuan pop drowns out the sounds of ABBA singing "Money, Money, Money". Thank God for small mercies. Billy and Peppy stroll exuding confidence. Bohemoth also appears to be exuding something, but it aint confidence. 'Nuff said.)
MM: Billy rolls into the ring! He draws himself to his full height and stares Bohemoth right in the nipples! This should be a BOB Classic!
SW: Ya think?
GBH: Duh. Ding!
MM: Bohemoth takes that as a bell and clubs Billy to the mat with one redwood-like arm! Stompy stompy stompy!
GBH: Dat my line. Shit.
SW: And that was mine! Bohemoth really putting the boots to BP! Drops a titanic elbow! He's having trouble getting to his feet! Did he put some weight on during his time off?
MM: We'll never know... he busted the offical weigh-in scales when he stood on them, so we have to take his word for it! Billy is up... drop-kicks the prone miner in the face! Billys going ballistic early! NO-HANDS SPRINGBOARD DROP-KICK!
GBH: Duh. He a Lucha-Billy rebel... Hee.
MM: Bohemoth makes it back to a vertical base! Diving South-Of-The-Border headbutt from BP returns him to a horizontal base! Billy's going to the top!
BP: What is up?!
MM: A "What Is Up?" headbutt... that's not going to catch on, methinks. Billy is really giving Bo's testicles a work-out today!
SW: Well, that's something I never thought I'd hear! Billy applies a waist-lock... is he kidding? Bohemoth doesn't HAVE a waist! Bo simply shoves BP back into the corner! 490 pounds of stuff! Billy walks out and does a Flair Flop! Bo's back in charge and living large! Can we get sued for that? Oh, like anyone's watching this anyway!
MM: Yeah? I'll bet you five bucks the WWF has a "Dslyexic Avenger" by 2002! Beautiful sit-out atomic drop by Bohemoth! He's going up! Is it SMASHER time already? TV time restraints strike again!
SW: Run-in Alert! Run-in Alert!! The Pardy Boyz are in tha HOOOUUUWSSSE!
GBH: Duh. Whut?
MM: Wayne and Garth charge the ring... and attack Li'L Peppy? Why? What's going on here!
SW: Hang on... the Pardy Boyz are the Li'lBOSS homies... and the Li'lBOSS has to wrestle Peppy in the Li'l Cage match at Footbrawl! He's using sneaky, underhanded tactics to get an adavtange!
MM: You think?
SW: Hey, it's what I'd do...
MM: Well, yu're the expert! Billy Polar rolls out to defend his Li'l friend! Garth cheapshots him with an un-plugged electric guitar! Bohemoth stays in the ring, laughing at the sight of Peppy and Billy getting punked! Both the Pardy Boyz putting the boots to Billy andpeppy.. and here comes Too Lame! The BigBOSS'es Personal Lackey tag team are coming to the aid of Billy Polar! Oh, no, my mistake, they're coming to make it a 4-on-2...
SW: Bo's loving this...
MA: Here is your winner.. as the result of a count-out, so neither man has to do a humiliating job for the other... BOHEMOTH!
GBH: Ding! Hee.
MM: The assault continues on the Polars! This is brutal! "Too Fat" Matt has a chair... Pardy Boy Wayne is holding Billy wide open...
For those of you who can't guess what's going to happen here, either watch more wrestling, or quit taking up space!
Billy DUCKED! Matt lays out Wayne! Garth is outraged!
Garth: Dude, that was like, not cool! Are you okay, Wayne?
Wayne: Yeah, groovy baby! It's my happening and I'm FREAKING OUT! (He falls over heavily)
Matt: (Manaical laughter)
MM: Garth attacks Matt! Ray attacks Garth! Wayne lies on the floor twitching! Billy and Peppy make good their escape as Too Lame and The Pardy Boyz renew their rivalry! And something tells me Billy and Bohemoth will meet again, at a later date... in the future.. or something.
MA: Well, so much for that, then... any more commercials? Not yet? Fine... *ahem*... This contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the SWISS ARMY TILE!
SW: Tile? Is that Scuzz under the mask?
MA: Introducing first... accompained by Mary Beth (Mk II), King Arthur of Camelot, A documentary film crew, Bitey, The Flunky and for no readily apparent reason, StretMime II... He is the current "Swiss Army" Champion... SIR RONALD "THE MISERABLE GIT" KILLALOT!
(Eddie B. plays the "Twilight Zone" theme... why? Beats the crap out of THIS disembodied announcer! Sir K. and his assorted hangers-on troop to the ring... well, Sir Killalot slouches more than he troops, but you get the general idea.)
MA: And his opponent, and challenger... representing the Three Guy and One Chick... weighing in at 250 pounds and measuring in at alledgely over 14 inches, but only Candy Canteloupes knows for sure... SIR HUNGALOT!
("Love Roller Coaster" by the Ohio Players plays as Sir Hungalot and Candy Canteloupes head to rindside. This marks the first occasion tonight Eddie B has played the correct entrance music, and coincidently, the 5,000th time "Candy Canteloupes" and "head" have been mentioned in the same sentence. Mixed reaction, as usual. Before entering the ring, he warms up with a few pelvic grinds, warming up a few of the ladies in attendance as well.)
MM: The Big Sur isn't wasting any time here! He jumps Sir K. from behind and is manhandling him! Sir K. looking even more apathetic than usual in there! If that's possible... Sir Hungalot tosses Sir Killalot...
MM: ... out of the ring. Geez, Scotty get your mind out of the gutter! A brawl-a-rama erupts, allowing us to talk about the football careers of the Sirs! What? Oh, my producer is telling they didn't play football... what the hell else is there to talk about?
SW: Sir Hungalots' film career? I loved him in "Crouching Tiger, Big Dangling Dragon"! And as for his tour-de-force performance in "Awesome Power: The Spy Who Shagged Everyone"! I gave his co-stars a standing ovation! If you know what I mean...
MM: But what about that ill-advised attempt to break into "serious" film... I mean, "The Postman II: Special Delivery For Your Mama!" was abysmal... And the less said about "Chocolat Body Paint" the better...
SW: Sure left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Shall we call the match for a while?
MM: If we must...
GBH: Yur. (Under his breath) Geez, my script sucks today... This part is so limiting! (louder) Duh. Stompy him, yur?
MM: Quit the ad-libs, I'll lose my place! Sir K is rammed into the ring post! And to the steps! And into GBH! Suplex on the floor! Sir H. showing no mercy today! He rolls into the ring briefly, then back out!
Generic Ref: Damn it, you made me lose count! 1.. 2... 5... 5... umm.. 5...
MM: Candy has the belt... Mary-Beth cuts her off before she can use it on Sir K.! Sir Killalot with a half-assed jawbreaker on Sir H! Lowblow!
SW: Lowblow? He hit him in the knee... well, maybe it was a lowblow, it's Sir Hungalot after all...
MM: The Sirs roll back into the ring. Sir K. with a haymaker, catching Sir H flush on the jaw! Release belly-to-back! Good Lord, a wrestling manuever from Killalot, wonders will never cease! Stomping a McMudpuddle in his ass! Sir Hungalot sweeps the foot out from under Sir K! He's applying a figure-four on the canvas! He's got it locked in! Will Sir Killot submit? Will the title change hands? Will this extended rest-hold make our viewers channel surf?
GBH: Duh. Look. Kitty fight. Yur. Hee...
MM: Excellent thinking! Mary-Beth and Candy are in a hair-pulling, clothes-tearing fight for no reason at all! That'll keep all the sad losers watching tuned in, just in case some flesh gets shown!
SW: YEAH! WHOO! GET IT OFF!
GBH: Duh. Point taken. Yur.
MM: Arthur has entered the ring as the Generic Ref gets distracted... drops a regal elbow on Hungalot to break up the hold! Sir K and King A pick up Hungalot... Spiked piledriver! A blantant double-team manuever from the Athurians! Jean Bannister is coming down to ringside to aid his team-mate! The Generic Ref has his hands full here! Bannister drags Arthur out of the ring! Big right hand drops the previously-frozen monarch! Sir Hungalot surprises Killalot with a Kobashi DDT out of nowhere! He heads to the top.. MISSILE DROP-KICK! Killalot's down... G-SPOT! G-SPOT! He's got it locked in! This could be it! Killalots' in the center of the ring with no-where to go and no-one to help him...
(Zilla suddenly plummets from the ceiling, trailing the remains of the Econ-O-Bunji the BOSS purchased for the ThunderDome match, and scores a bulls-eye on the Sirs. Ouch.)
SW: HOLY CRAP! Zilla took a leaf out of Kamikazie Kens' playbook on that one!
GBH: Duh. Mystery Man. Lookie...
MM: Nice spotting, GBH! The Mystery Man who attacked Zilla at Snore Games is here! He drags Sir Killalot on top of Hungalot, and then covers Zilla himself! The ref counts.. 1..2..3! And he counts again! 1..2..3!
MA: Here are your winners.. STILL the Swiss Army Champion.. SIR KILLALOT! And the NEWWWWW "AYOOYFM" Hardcore champion... A MYSTERY GUY!
Mystery Man: That's "BITCH SMACKER" Mystery Guy to you, pal!
(The mystery man unmasks... yup, it's Brandon of the Kent State Krew...)
MM: Unbelievable! Brandon grabs the gold and hightails it out of there... is the 24-7 rule still in effect? Because if so, Brandon IS the new Hardcore Champ!
SW: Well, it's kind of in effect.. The BOSS'es made it a 16-6 rule now...
SW: Hey, he's got to sleep sometime! And he gets Tuesdays off. Wait a scond... do you think Jim and Josh know about that rule? I mean, they could beat the snot out of him for the belt any time they want... Ha! Brandon may have just gotten more than he bargined for!! Nya-ha-haaaa!
GBH: Duh. Scotty evil. Yur. Hee.
INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE
MA: This is our Main Event, and it's for the Pan-Galactic Title, big deal, yawn, whatever, smell the reek of awesomeness. Oh, and it's an "Elvis Impersonator" match, whatever that is! Introducing.. the challenger... He isn't gay, but he sure sounds like it... He is DA SASSY BITCH!
(Eddie B cues up "Jailhouse Rock" as Da Sassy One enters to a huge pop and a loud explosion... both dubbed in, of course. He's wearing a rented Elvis costume, with pasted-on sideburns and sunglasses.)
MM: Hey, wait.. that's not the Sassy One.. That's J.C Long!
SW: You're right, Mike! What the hell?
(Da Sassy One suddenly produces a comb and changes his parting to the opposite side, and removes his sunglasses.)
SW: Hey, THERE's Da Sassy One!
(Hey, if Superman can do it, so can he... wait'll the BOSS finds out he's paying the guy twice, though. Yeesh!)
MA: And his opponent... and champion... DOOOUUJJAA!
(douja also gets "Jailhouse Rock" for his entrance. His Elvis costume is even tattier than DSB's... although he does a convincing "Stoned Elvis"... He stumbles into the ring, removes his PG belt and waves it provocativly in front of DSB.)
douja: You want dis belt, cracka? Yo, come get it, dogg!
DSB: You asked for it! Prepare to FEEL.. THE.. JAM!
douja: Feel dis, Bitch!
MM: OH! douja blasts Da Sassy One in the head with the belt! Right in front of the referee! What the hell?
MA: What? I hadn't even sat down! Oh, okay... Here is your winner as the result of a disqualification... DA SASSY BITCH! No titles change hands on a DQ. The referees descion is final. No correspondance will be entered into. Offer void in Utah.
douja: I tol' yo stank ass, boy! You aint gettin' no damn title shot at my (BLEEP)-in' belt! So smoke on dat, Bitch!
MM: douja spits on Da Sassy One and leaves the ring! And the crowd is booing him out of the building! Amazing! Folks, I don't know what to make of this nasty attitude being shown by douja... but he looks more focused than I've ever seen! What are your thoughts, Scotty?
SW: Cheap-ass cop-out writers block Main Event!! Dammit!!
GBH: Duh. We outta time. Say bye-bye, Mike...
MM: Bye-Bye, Mike.
GBH: Duh. Whatever.
© 2001 BOB Wrestling! You want screwjobs? We got your screwjobs RIGHT HERE!