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MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 17!

Semi-Live!

Ric

Don't get mad....get even.

[The Flunky appears at the top of the aisle, just in front of the soiled bed linen/curtain that separates the aisle from the backstage area™. Two sparklers are in each of his hands. He twirls them. A loud explosion is heard. Scotty now has a flat tire.]

Mike Monroe: WELCOME EVERYBODY TO MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM NUMBER 17! I'm Mike Monroe in case you didn't take the time to look to the far left….and with me this morning is Mark Shill, making his debut here on MMM! My longtime sidekick, Scotty Whatbody is here, and let's not forget GBH!

Mark Shill: THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST NIGHT IN WRESTLING HISTORY!

Scotty Whatbody: * cough * tonyshciavone *cough *

GBH: Duh.

MM: And what a show we have today! Dean Kamen gets his punishment as THE REAL MR. T makes his BOB debut! The Geek squares off against Kamikazie Ken for the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Title in a first ever "Matador Deathmatch"! The vacated "Four-Play" Tag-Team Titles are up for grabs as The Kent State Krew battles The REALLY Nasty Boys in a "Fabulous Freebirds Rules" six-man tag….and the big one: Billy Polar versus Sarah 'The Jobber Slayer' for both the Swiss Army Belt and THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

MS: IT'LL BE THE MOST INCREDIBLE SHOW EVER!

SW: Whatever, dude. And what the hell is a "Freebirds Rules" Match, Mike?

MM: Freebirds. You know… Hayes, Gordy, Roberts? The winning team will be granted "Freebirds Rules". Any combination of the three can defend the belts after they win them! So, one night it could be Brandon and Jim putting the belts up, or Stinkbutt Nastyass and Necro Phil. Or, perhaps Josh and Brandon or Jim and Josh, who knows? Maybe Phil and Beastie Al….or Beastie Al and Stinkbutt! Oh, the possibilities!

MS: IT'LL BE STUPENDOUS!

GBH: Yur, it'll be stupor!

SW: No, that's YOU, retard.

MM: Okay, okay… that's enough. It's time to pan the crowd, Clive… let's get a look at those signs!

[Camera pans the "Biloxi Dome" in Turkey Neck, Mississippi, several signs can be seen including one held by a pre-teen girl that says: "Josh, I'll be your Stephanie McMahon!". Others include: "Rules Dyslexic Avenger The", "Scotty Whatbody is my Daddy", "Nurse Heidi is my Mother, and even though I'm 22 I STILL breast feed!", "Mark Shill SUX ASS", and "I'm with Stupid". The guy next to the guy with the "I'm with Stupid" sign holds up a cardboard slab reading: "I'm Stupid." Thus ends the filler material…]

MM: Yeah, thanks Clive. I think. Well, it looks like it is time for the Executioner that is BOB Management to rear its ugly head. As you all know, some time back Dean Kamen stepped on some toes and now must pay the piper….

GBH: Duh? Roddy?

MM: (ignoring GBH) ….and must suffer though some good hearted hazing for his atrocities. He's getting HIS today here on Mayhem, ONE ON ONE WITH MR. T!

MS: Fans, only in BOB will you see action like this!

SW: Is that a promise, Mark? That way I won't have to worry about avoiding this elsewhere.

MM: Oh, that's so true. Anyway, let's get ready for our first contest. Eddie B. should be about ready to spin that "Embarrassing Intro Music" any second!

[And Eddie B. cranks it up right on cue, and boy it's a doozy! "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! plays as Eddie B. scrubs himself with a S.O.S. pad, frantically trying to wash the gay away. Dean Kamen sulks down the aisle wearing a pair of hot pink jogging shorts, "high on the thigh" ones circa 1980-ish. Check out ESPN Classic and watch the Celtics/Lakers NBA Final from '86, I think it was, to get a feel for the shorts' length. Dean's also wearing a white T-shirt with big and black block letters reading: "Choose Life", and white tennis shoes. Just like George Michael did in that gay ass video. Punishment indeed. He enters the ring to a chorus of boos, and laughter, from the crowd for entering to such pathetic music and such homo looking attire.]

Masked Announcer: This opening contest is a PUNISHMENT JOB! Introducing first, the punishee, this is DEAN KAMEN!

MS: Aw man, how embarrassing is THAT?

SW: You tell me, Mark…it looks like he raided YOUR closet!

GBH: And then, he….uh, came out of closet. Hee.

MM: Hey, Scotty…and you too GBH, quit picking on the new guy! And be quiet, my hero is getting ready to come out! I love Mr. T! Thank God for T.V. Land, I still get to watch A-Team five times a week!

SW: Ummm, Mike, I hate to break this to you….but Flunky told me earlier today that we couldn't get T. His appearance fee was a little too steep for our budget…

MM: What?! You're kidding, right? Please tell me this is another one of your stupid jokes!

SW: Nope, I'm serious…. Mr. T. was too expensive for us, man.

MM: So, who'd we get then?

GBH: * gulp *

[Eddie B. plays the theme to "Good Times". Oh yeah, you heard me right. A thin black man struts down the aisle…]

MS: GOOD LORD! IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

MM: Incredible? No. The lowest point in BOB's history? Quite possibly…

SW: Shut up, Mike! For once I have to agree with Shill! This is awesome! It's JIMMY "J.J. EVANS" WALKER! WHOOOOO HOO!

GBH: Temporary layoffs, good times. Easy target, ripoffs? Good times. Scratch-in' and sur-vi-vin', good times…yur.

SW: Stop that, GBH! You're messin' it all up!

MS: Hey, this kills the entire punishment angle! Mr. T. was supposed to throw Kamen hella far…which is ten times further than helluva far. Jimmy Walker couldn't throw a tantrum! Look at those skinny arms!

MM: Now I'LL have to agree with Mark…

GBH: Duh. Me too.

SW: Oh yeah? Well, I bet J.J. is gonna save the day. Look, he has the mic!

JW: I know yous jive turkeys 'ere in Turkey Neck wanna see some throwin'!

[Crowd cheers]

JW: But let me axe you a quesson, do you think I can throw dis sucka?

Crowd: HELL NO!

JW: Dat's ah-ight doh, I don't NEED to be throwin' dis sucka….'cause I gots (claps hands) DYN-O-MITE!

[Crowd cheers]

MS: He's going to blast him hella far! ALL RIGHT!

SW: SEE?! I told you!

GBH: Duh, work for me. Firework pretty.

[Jimmy Walker then proceeds to surround a motionless Dean Kamen with T.N.T.]

MM: My God! He's going to blow him to bits! Maybe Ginger can save him before it's too late!

[Cut to back. Ginger is seen up on cinder blocks as Li'l Peppy Polar makes off with its wheels.]

SW: So much for THAT idea!

MS: Jimmy's attaching a giant fuse to Dean's booty crack! He's lighting it!

SW: Oh yeah, and Kamen's fused from butt to feet! He'll fly all the way to Uranus!

GBH: Duh? Give me chance to wipe first?

MM: THAT'S a pleasant mental image! Thanks, G.

GBH: Word.

SW: And in 10…9… 8….

Crowd joins in: SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!

KA-BOOM!

[Dean explodes, literally, off the canvas, through the roof, and into outer space. Natch back at ya. Dean is then presumably evaporated to death in the after burn of Haley's Comet.]

SW: THAT WAS AWESOME, BABY!

Dick Vitale: HEY! That's my line

SW: What the hell?

MM: Oh no! Look at this! Sgt. Walker is coming to the ring!

MS: Maybe he has something against Jimmy Walker!

SW: Maybe they're brothers!

MM: That's ridiculous, Scotty! Just because they have the same last name doesn't mean….

GBH: Yur, he hitting J.J. Good times over…

MS: A gutless attack! Sgt. Walker is all over Jimmy Walker like a bad afro!

SW: Hold on! What's that?!

MS: A large, nappy hair-do popular with African Americans in the late 70's, but making a return here recently…

SW: No, you dumb ass! I meant THAT!

[The speed metal version of the "Charlie's Angels" theme begins to play as performed by Vietallica, North Vietnam's Metallica so to speak. "Charlie" and Viet Kong tear down the aisle in full original gimmick. The crowd erupts in….cheers? Yes, cheers!]

MM: I don't even believe this! "Charlie"? Kong? Cheered?

SW: Only in extreme circumstances could that ever happen, Mike…and this is as extreme as I've seen it. In a week or so.

MM: Oh no, "Charlie" has the stick…

"Charlie": HELLRO AW YOO STOOPID PEEPOLE!

[Crowd cheers]

MS: This is just….crazy.

MM: Mayhem on Monday Morning IS BACK!

SW: Kong now going at it with Walker the sergeant as Walker the Jimmy rolls his thin ass out of the ring! Kong pounding away on Walker! Irish whip….oh no…."RICE CANNON!"

MS: Sgt. Walker turned inside out with that one! A full 180!

GBH: I think Sgt. Walker hurtie.

SW: Good call, meathead! Kong now behind the Taliban sympathizer…full nelson, those 14 fingers locked! 'FULL METAL (STRAIGHT) JACKET'! A 14-fingered full nelson! Kong is thrashing Walker around like a rag doll!

MM: Whoa! Look at the ramp! It's MR. T! HE IS HERE!

MS: Fans! You're witnessing the greatest day in professional wrestling ever!

SW: And Tony with another hyped-up falsity. Uh-oh! Mr. T. is in there now! He bowls over "Charlie" and clubs Kong over the back with a massive forearm!

MM: Kong drops Sgt. Walker who slumps to the mat, and now it's T. whoopin' up on Viet Kong!

MS: But why? I thought we couldn't afford T.

SW: He must be here on his own free will! Just to prove how tough he is against Kong!

GBH: Yur.

MM: Mr. T. with a blatant choke on the Vietnamese monster! NOW WHAT?!

[A burly redneck charges down the aisle with a 2x4 and slides under the bottom rope.]

BR: HOOOOOOOOOWAH!

SW: WHAT THE F(bleep)! IT'S….IT'S…..HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!

HJD: HOOOOOOOOWAH!

T: SHUDDAP, FOO!

HJD: HOOOOOOOOWAH!

T: I said….SHUDDAP, FOO! Ain't got time for dat jibber jabba!

HJD: YOOOOOOOOO, ESS-AAY! YOOOOOOOOO, ESS-AAY!

[Crowd joins the chant]

HJD: HOOOOOOOOWAH!

* THWACK *!

MM: Hacksaw just split T's mohawk with that 2x4! He's getting into a three-point stance!

HJD: HOOOOOOOOWAH!

MS: And he just plowed over Sgt. Walker!

HJD: HOOOOOOOOWAH!

SW: Sheesh, shut up already….

HJD: HOOOOOOOOWAH!

MM: Duggan's going after Mr. T. again! Scoops him up….RUNNING POWERSLAM! Hacksaw's back up and now standing over the hapless Mr. T!

HJD: (looking down at T.) How do ya like THAT? 'THOUGH' GUY! HOOOOOOOOOOWAH! (throws his 2x4 up in the air and then catches it as it comes back down, then gives a healthy "thumbs up"…complete with wagging tongue and cross-eyed gaze)

Masked Announcer: Fans, the winner of this impromptu….HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!

MM: Wow, what a shocker that was! Well, we learned three things right there, people… One) NOBODY is tougher than Hacksaw Jim Duggan, not even Mr. T. Two) The only REAL pop culture icon of any significance is Jimmy Walker and Three) You never piss off the guy that writes the cards, because only the cards get immortalized, not the promos. Right, Nate? * winks *

SW: Who the hell is Nate? Is that Duggan's real name?

MM: Ignoring you, Scotty….

MS: What action! And that was just the opening bout! Fans, this will be the greatest MMM ever!

SW: It's a good thing you don't SELL vacuums, Mark. 'Cause you'd starve to death, buddy.

GBH: Duh, wish I could get more lines.

MM: Well, you can't GBH…because you're a blithering idiot. So, moving right along….it's time for our next match. We had one other BOBster break some rules here recently, and now's it time for him to face the music. The Geek must defend his "AYOOYFM" Hardcore title against none other than Kamikazie Ken! In a "Matador Deathmatch" no less! Let's go to Dennis and KamKorder Kid who are outside the arena and in the bull-ring for this one! Lucky for us, we can enjoy this it on the BOB-tron.

[Outside, The Geek and Ken are seen standing in a circular dust pit surrounded by a wooden wall. A door looms in the background, with a thick wooden latch holding it shut.]

MA: Our next event is for the "Are You Out Of You Friggin' Mind?" Hardcore Title! This is a "Matador Deathmatch", one fall to a finish! No time limit! You can release THE BULL at any given moment for a really HARDCORE weapon! Introducing first, the challenger….THE HARDCORE LUCHADORE, KAMIKAZIE KEN!

[Crickets can be heard chirping as we are outside, and all the fans we could muster are inside. But if you listen real closely, you can almost hear the bull snort.]

MA: And now, the champion! The idol of poindexters everywhere…this is the "AYOOYFM" CHAMPION, PLEASE WELCOME….THE GEEK!

[More crickets. And the horn of a '57 pick-up in the distance, if you're good at guessing those types of things.]

MA: LET'S GET IT ON OUT THERE!

MM: And there they go! Ken quickly moves in with a series of rights! Geek trying to cover up…

SW: Shouldn't be too hard to cover up...what is that guy, buck oh five soaking wet?

MS: Give the guy a break, The Geek is still relatively a rookie. Ken's been around a pretty long time.

GBH: Yur, Ken ready for social studies.

SW: Security! It's SECURITY, you moron!

MM: Ken with a spinning heel kick attempt, ducked by Geek! The Geek now with a side headlock!

SW: In a HARDCORE match?! Where's the bag-o-hardcore-props? Come on, Generic Ref…throw the bag of novelty hardcore stuff in there!

MM: Good to have Generic back to normal after a recent brain washing incident…..OH! Ken with a gut wrench into a belly-to-back suplex.

MS: That was the most incredible suplex ever!

GBH: Duh, mark.

MS: What?

GBH: You a mark.

MS: Yes, I am.

GBH: No…ummmm, yur. I mean, A mark.

MS: That's what they named me…

GBH: Duh, you no get it.

SW: Shut up, GBH! Nobody's paying any attention to you!

MM: LOOK OUT! Ken has summoned the BAG-O-HARDCORE-PROPS! And Generic has obliged!

MS: Double K is fishing around in there….what's he got?

MM: The rubber coated barbed wire baseball bat! This thing is gonna get ugly quick!

SW: Do it, Ken! DO IT! I want to see some blood, baby!

MS: This is incredible!

MM: Scotty? You're right, he does get annoying after awhile. OH MY! Ken missed with that bat…Geek retaliated with a shot to the twig and berries! Now Geek has the bat!

SW: I'm surprised he can lift it. DAMN! Once he got it up he had no problem swinging it!

MM: Ken took a shot right on that bull's-eye on his mask! He's down, Geek with a quick cover….ONE! Nope.

MS: It's going to take a lot more than that to finish off Kamikazie Ken, I'm afraid. He's one of the toughest in BOB!

SW: Hype, hype, hype. Oh, look at this! Geek is going to the bag…it's the obligatory road sign!

* WHACK! *

MM: Nailed Ken again! The cover! ONE! TWO! And…..a kick out.

SW: BLOOD! I WANT BLOOD! Somebody hand Ken a blade or something, COME ON!

MS: The Geek is going back to the bag….but Ken has managed to get to his feet! Geek doesn't see him, bends over to retrieve a weapon out of the bag….Ken with a DDT! OH! That was an awesome move by Ken!

MM: The tide is turning…

SW: My STOMACH is turning! There better be some (bleep)damn blood in this thing….

MM: Scotty! Watch the language, buddy!

SW: Blow me, Mike! I want some blood! I WANT some BLOOD!

MS: Ken now to the bag…it's, it's….OH GOD NO! THE ACME CANISTER OF EXPLODING THUMBTACKS!

MM: And he's spreading them all over the dirt floor of that bullpen!

GBH: Duh, need a "lefty" from the bullpen. Heh.

MM: Not THAT kind of bullpen! Why God? Why oh why do I have to commentate with GBH? Could you please answer? Send me somebody else. Please?

[A strange man, albeit not too strange, joins the commentary team.]

MM: Wow, talk about service!

SW: Cool it, Mike. HEY! Aren't you Paul Heyman?

PH: Yes, but my lines are limited. I'm only here for one gag, so don't' speak to me. Your management couldn't afford more than 30 words from me.

SW: One gag, huh? Wonder what that could be? Mike, you feeling lucky?

MM: Oh no…I'm not betting with you, Whatbody. I never win.

SW: Wuss! Give it a try, Mike. How many things could Mr. Heyman possibly say that could make any sense during this match?

MM: Okay, you're on! Put me down for five.

SW: Mark? You want some of this?

MS: I'll go five.

SW: GBH?

GBH: Huh?

SW: Bet?

GBH: Yur? Bet what?

SW: Bet you'll never have ANY friggin' common sense, you dolt! Never mind! Okay, Mike, what's Mr. Heyman gonna say?

MM: Ken has Geek up! OH! Sit-out powerbomb on those exploding tacks!

* BZZZZT * POP * CRACKLE * CRACKLE * POP * POP * CRACKLE * SQUIRT *

MM: OH MY! THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

SW: Sucker!

MM: HEY! That's not what I thought he'd say! I was just calling the match!

SW: Too late! That's what you have five riding on, dummy! Mark?

MS: …..

SW: Oh, Maaaaaark? Come on, place your bet.

MS: Time out! Ken is not going for the pin, he's going to the latch! He's letting the bull out!

SW: HA! That's what you're going to bet he'll say! Nanny nanny boo boo!

MS: I said time out!

SW: There's no time outs! Or take backs! Hey, Ken has the door open! Geek is a sitting duck!

GBH: Duh, bull look at Ken.

MM: WAIT! Kamikazie Ken forgot about his outfit! If the bull's-eye on his mask wasn't bad enough…he's wearing a RED CAPE! Stupid super-hero gimmick!

SW: Aw man….I can't look….

PH: GORE! GORE! GORE! Thank you, Czech Plees check please.

SW: Crap, I would've won! I knew Paul E. was gonna say that!

[Cut to stock footage of an obviously different bull gouging the hell out of a real matador, but the view is so far back wrestling marks might believe it was Ken, and the gouging was happening live. Or something like that. Yeah.]

MS: DJ Rawkus and MC Carjack, posing as rodeo clowns, have led the bull away from a badly damaged Kamikazie Ken. The Geek with the cover…there's one! And two! THREE! The Geek got him!

SW: What'd you expect, Mark? Cripes, the guy just got nearly stabbed to death by a bull for crying out loud! Have some compassion!

MM: Well, Scotty…you did get the blood you wanted to see, so quit bitchin' about Mark not having any compassion. You were begging for crimson!

SW: A simple razor jobbed nick above the eyebrow would've been fine with me…but I'll have to admit the arterial spurt was pretty cool.

MA: The winner of the match, and STILL the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore champion…..THE GEEK!

MM: Okay, while The Ambulance Jockeys attend to The Hardcore Luchadore…let's go to a commercial or two.

SW: That match sucked! Geek was supposed to be taught a lesson! Whose dumb idea was it anyway to have Ken act as BOB's mercenary? That guy is an accident waiting to happen!


BOB's Non-Slam of the Week!

Brief shot of Coma trying to bodyslam Bohemoth. Bo doesn't budge.


FANS! It's just around the corner! BOB's March Mayhem™! 64 men, 64 teams, four regions, for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Seeding process to begin very soon! 16 men per region, four top seeds! WHO WILL WIN?! WHO WILL ACTUALLY WATCH?! OR CARE?!

It's March Mayhem™, the wildest tournament in wrestling! And don't forget….WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE! Only 25 weeks away! Order now!


MM: And we're back. But we're going to cut backstage really quick because KamKorder Kid has found Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Billy Polar plotting and scheming!

[Backstage in a hallway somewhere®.]

SMP: Listen, Billy…it's FOOLPROOF! Trust me. This plan will NOT fail. And then, you'll get it back. I promise.

BP: I don't know, your plans always backfire. I went to Harvard, dammit! And my Harvard intellect tells I, Billy Polar, that this plan is stupid.

SMP: Stupid? STUPID?! I'm the MASTER of dirty deeds, Billy. I'm SMP, "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today", remember? You wanna keep driving trucks with your OWN hands? Do you? Make the deal, Billy….it's a no-brainer. You get what you want, I get what I want….you'll win even if you LOSE against Sarah. It's as solid as the implants I put in Pamela Lee. Really. No bounce there. No bounce here. Take the check, Billy…

BP: You sure it won't bounce?

SMP: Would I lie to you?

BP: Are you counting THAT one?

[Back to ringside]

MM: SMP and Billy Polar are up to no good as usual! What do they have in store later today for Sarah The Jobber Slayer in that title vs. title match?

SW: I don't care, as long as Kay Fabe comes out here! WHOO HOO! She's hot! But so is Sarah! I hope they shampoo each other's carpet or like, play with each other's titties or something! YEAH, BABY! OH YEAH!

MS: I'll second that!

GBH: Me third it. Yur.

MM: Yeah, I'd kinda like to see that, too. But unfortunately, we first have to decide the new "Four-Play" tag-team champions! Let's go to the Masked Announcer!

MA: This event is for the Four-Play Tag-Team Championship and the victors will be granted "Freebirds Rules"! Introducing first, at a combined weight that I'm sure amounts to something, from Newark, NJ, Backwater Township, Kentucky, and Three Mile Island…NECRO PHIL, BEASTIE AL, AND STINKBUTT NASTYASS…THE REALLY NASTY BOYS!

[Janet Jackson's (Miss Jackson if you're nasty) "Nasty Boys" plays as the gruesome threesome stroll down the aisle. Phil and Al walk in front of Stinkbutt, obviously trying to stay upwind. They crawl into the ring and taunt the booing crowd.]

MA: And now!

[High pitched screaming is heard]

MA: From Kent State, Ohio….

[Higher pitched screaming is heard]

MA: At a combined weight of…..

[Even HIGHER pitched screaming is heard. 500 miles away, dogs begin to howl]

MA: BRANDON, JIM, JOSH…. TOTALLY SMACKED UP MASSIVE PACKAGES OF BITCHING!

[Eddie B. dubs "Beatles' Crowd Noise @ Shea Stadium '64 Club Mix" in with "Livin' La Vida Loca" by that Ricky guy. As usual, a bevy of pre-teen girls flood to the Flimsy Guardrail™ to get a closer look as the boys from "Attitude" shimmy down to the ring. The "real" wrestling fans head to the concession area. Yeah, both of them. But I'm not complaining, I'm glad we have at least two at a BOB show.]

MM: How ironic is THIS? At HARDxCORE POLARVIZION, Billy Polar was saying something about maybe making these titles into a six man championship…and low and behold, the Li'lBOSS had already planned that before the HCPV show even aired! Yes, fans…the winners of this match will have the option of defending the tag team titles as either a tandem of two out of the three on their team…or as a six man tag-team!

SW: Oh joy. We can barely fill out a TAG-TEAM division, now they want to make it a six man?

MM: It's an option, Scotty. Pay attention.

SW: (In baby voice) It's an option, Scotty. Pay attention. NE-YAH, NE-YAH!

MS: Gentlemen, please… it looks like Jim is going to start off against Beastie Al.

GBH: Duh, he your favorite, huh Scotty? You got Scooby snack?

SW: One of these days, GBH, one of these days…POW! Right in the kisser.

GBH: You gonna kiss Beastie's dog?

MM: BWAAA HAAA HAAA! He got you, Scotty!

MS: Oh guys? Jim and Beastie have locked up.

MM: Oh yeah, the match. You know, these two teams really got lucky in the aftermath of that whole situation that occurred recently between the Napoleon complexed Li'lBOSS and an uncooperative performer. This was just a regular old six man and now all of sudden there's titles on the line.

SW: Yep. And to think a team as vile and disgusting as THAT could win them.

MS: I'll agree with that, those REALLY Nasty Boys sure are vulgar and crude.

SW: No, I was talking about The Kent State Krew.

MM: Jim with an arm drag takedown, a float over now and into a cross-face. Both men standing now as Al forces the action, Jim sliding to a side headlock…Al brushes Jim off and into the ropes. Rebound! Shoulderblock drops Beastie….AND HERE COMES NECRO!

MS: That didn't take long…backdrop by Jim and Necro crashes to the mat! Here comes Nasty-A….hiptoss! Jim is a house of fire!

* CRUNCH *!

GBH: Yur. Look more like house of cards.

MM: Jim DID fall like a deck of cards! Good call, GBH!

GBH: Duh, GBH smart.

SW: Bad call, GBH.

MS: Jim is down as Al quickly recovered and smashed him across the back of his neck while Jim cleaned the ring of The Nasties. Necro and Stinkbutt now back to the apron as Al lands a legdrop on the fallen KSK member….

MM: And he's hooking the leg! One! And there's a quick kickout by Jim. Al now lifting Jim to his feet and lands a right hand! Jim fires back! Al with another right! Jim retaliates! Al with a forearm smash! Jim with an European uppercut! WOW! They're really going at it! Al now flings himself into the north-side ropes…Jim does the same into the west-end ropes!

GBH: West-end ropes, duh duh da duh, da duh. West-end ropes, duh duh da duh, da duh. West-end roooopes, da da, duhduhduh da da. I'LL ALWAYS (inaudible), ropes. Da duh.

SW: WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!

MS: We have a criss-cross in the ring!

GBH: Kriss-Kross will make ya… JUMP! JUMP! Daddy Mac'll make ya JUMP! JUMP! Yur.

SW: PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SOMEBODY TURN HIS MIC OFF!

MM: And they're still bouncing off the ropes! Somebody didn't pay attention in pre-show meeting again, I see. Both men have forgotten who's supposed to drop down to the mat so the other can jump over him!

GBH: Duh? Jump! Jump! over him?

[Five minutes later….]

SW: DAMMIT!

[Scotty leaves his chair, reaches through the ropes, and trips Jim.]

SW: THERE! That should fix THAT!

MM: But Al is still going! And Scotty, you need to stop doing that, commentators should never interfere in a match.

SW: Hey, I don't care…I had to do SOMETHING to shut GBH up and stop those two morons from bouncing off the ropes all day!

MS: Jim with the tag! Al is STILL running across the ring! And here's Josh going to the top rope! WHAM! He nailed a missle dropkick right on Al's jaw! Perfect timing!

MM: Josh is going for the pin! One! TWO! Oh, that was close! But Al managed to get a shoulder up!

MS: Josh now picks up Al and scoops him into a bodyslam! MISSES the elbow drop! Al now scurries to his corner, makes a tag and here comes Necro Phil!

SW: Yippee! (checks watch) Oh, brother….

MM: And Phil runs right into a drop toe-hold! KSK really showing some moves today! Ankle lock by Josh! Phil might tap out!

MS: Oh no, here comes Stinkbutt in to make the save…. but he's cutoff by Brandon who hammers him with a clothesline! Al's back in and gives Brandon an eye-rake and tosses him through the ropes, kicks Josh in the mouth and breaks the hold…then gets a flying shoulder tackle from Jim! Spear on Jim by Necro who quickly got to his feet! This thing has broken down! Generic Ref can't possibly control all this!

SW: Calm down, Tony…take a Valium or two. Or ten. Hell, make it fifty whydon'tcha?

GBH: Necro Phil now setting up Josh for a piledriver…

MM: That's MY line, GBH. Yours was "yur".

GBH: Duh. Me sorry, Mike.

MM: And Phil nailed it! Brandon's back in! Swinging neck breaker on Phil! Now Al lands a back elbow smash to Brandon and sends him to the canvas! Wait! Look at Josh! He no-sells that piledriver and has Stinkbutt up for a powerbomb!

SW: IDIOT!

* pfoooooooooooooooooot *

SW: AW MAN! And his mouth was open, too!

MM: And Josh drops Nastyass flat on his back…then does a reverse Flair Flop himself! All six men are down!

MS: Okay, we now have a little movement! The funk in the ring has slowed everybody down a bit….even G.R. is having trouble standing upright! Uh-oh! Jim just threw an arm over Stinkbutt! But wait! Beastie Al has crawled over and is now pinning Brandon!

SW: But the legal men are Necro Phil and Josh….and Josh just got a face full of cut cheese! The REALLY Nasty Boys will win it if Necro gets to him!

MM: Generic Ref is confused, he forgot who's legal and is making the count anyway! ONE! TWO!

SW: HEY REF! Phil and Josh are legal!

GR: Oh, thanks Scotty.

SW: Hell with that "match is over but nobody wins" crap…. I want these titles decided! No more putting it off another month until the next card!

MM: Good point!

MS: Nastyass has struggled to his feet after getting up from Jim's one arm pin attempt…Brandon has kicked out of Al's attempt…and now the Generic Ref has fainted!

SW: Too much toxic fumes in that ring for him not to. I'm just glad heat rises and we're below ring level. SHOO WEE!

MM: All six men have managed to get to their feet despite the flatulence residue in there… Brandon and Al are now trading punches, Jim's clobbering Stinkbutt and backs him into a neutral corner while still landing huge rights! Phil going to his scrub bottoms! He's pulling out a latex glove! It could be the "Toxicology!" HEY, WHAT'S THAT?! Something's coming over the P.A. system!

[And for the first time in about 15 years, it's on again… Eddie B. gets to do the honors, and plays the GREATEST intro music ever]

Lyrics coming out of the P.A. after some guitar riffs and a drum roll:
I want to tell you a story 'bout a place you don't wanna be
This ain't no home sweet home…it's a home sweet, misery.
We knew when we got here…they'd try and put us away.
But when they seen us walk down the street they ran the other way…
BAD STREET, ATLANTA, G-A!
THE BADDEST STREET IN THE WHOLE U-S-A!
BAD STREET….NASTY AND HOT!
The further down the block you went, the badder it got.

[A man struts down the aisle like a blonde peacock.]

MS: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THAT'S MICHAEL P.S. HAYES!

SW: Looks more like an Unorthodox Hendrix to me.

MM: UnorthoDOX Hendrix is right, because that ain't no Michael Hayes! It's The Violent Pacifist, with a very bad wig I might add…

SW: And it looks like Jean Bannister and Sir Hungalot are coming out with him, Jean with a Terry Gordy-like curly wig and Sir H. with a Buddy Roberts hair piece….

MS: And they have Phil's attention now, he's taking his glove and leaving Josh in the ring…Phil is out to meet the…

SW: Fabulous Three Guys? Ummmm, The Free Guys? You know, like Three Guys, only I said Free. Like Freebirds? Maybe the Fabulous Three (Guys) Birds….

MM: Shut up, Scotty.

SW: What? Those were good!

MM: Sure they were….

MS: HEY! Now Brandon is out of the ring! And he's charging up the aisle and goes right after VP! Phil is now hooked up with Hungalot! OH! But Bannister put a stop to that as he teams up with The Big Sir and slams Phil into the rail! Now they're joining VP, and it's a three-on-one beatdown on Brandon! Here comes Jim!

MM: But that's going to leave Beastie Al and Stinkbutt alone in the ring with Josh! And they're taking advantage of that! DOUBLE ROCK BOTTOM LOOKING THINGEE!

GBH: Ruy.

SW: What the hell?

GBH: Me got tired of saying yur and thought I'd turn it around.

SW: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you were doing a Dyslexic Avenger on us. Like just being you wasn't bad enough…

MM: Scotty, did you say Dyslexic Avenger? How'd you know? HERE HE COMES! And he's got Insano Mano with him!

SW: Remind me not to say XXXtreme Machine then.

MS: Hold on! In the ring, Al has Josh trapped in the corner as Stinkbutt moves in for what appears to be that "Stinkface" thing we saw the other night on RAW.

SW: RAW? What the hell is that? I don't watch that mess…

MS: Nastyass, for the first time ever, seems to be having a problem getting one worked up. Look at his veins in his neck bulge!

MM: Meanwhile, there's a melee outside the ring between The Three Guys, Dyslexic Avenger & Insano Mano, Necro Phil, Jim and Brandon…all hell is breaking loose! The Generic Ref just throws his arms up in disgust!

MS: Speaking of disgust, Stinkbutt is really straining to cut one right in Josh's mug! That'll end this match for sure!

[Zoom in on Stinkbutt, who looks to be about ready to blow a gasket]

* pwooooit *

SBNA: Goddammit! Look what you made me do, I shit myself!

[He runs out of the ring, up the aisle, and back to the dressing room]

MM: WHOA! It's down to Josh and Beastie Al! Josh springs out of the corner, a quick kick to Al's soft midsection…. JOSH-X FACTOR!

MS: He's going to the top rope, it could be The Krew Drop!

SW: Oh no, this can't possibly be happening!

Crowd: WHOOOOM!

MM: HE NAILED IT! The cover!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THR-AWWWWW!

MS: Insano Mano from out of nowhere breaks the count! This must go back to when The KSK called Mano and Kamikazie Ken jobbers!

MM: That's right, Schiavone! Insano with a scoop slam on Josh….HE'S now going to the top rope! Generic Ref's letting this thing ride….

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOH!

MM: INSANOSAULT! OH! VP just ran into the ring a clocked Mano, they both fall through the ropes and back to the floor….Al is crawling over to Josh, HE HAS HIM COVERED!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THR-AWWWWW!

SW: DAMMIT!

MS: Saved by Jim! Who is then blindsided by Jean Bannister! Now they both tumble back out to the floor! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

MM: You said it, Mark! Al and Josh both obviously groggy…. now trying to get to their feet. Josh rolls him up in a small package! ONE! TWO! WAIT! Necro Phil just ran through the ring trying to get away from Sir Hungalot and in doing so bumped into Al and Josh, causing the small package to shift to where Beastie Al is now in control! The cover for him, ONE! TWO! And NO! Brandon slides in and rolls them over again! Josh now has the advantage!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! AWWWWWWW! BOOOOOOOO!

MS: Dyslexic Avenger dives into the side of the small package, stopping the count and thus, dare I say it? THEY ROLL AGAIN!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! AWWWWWWW!

SW: This is stupid….

GBH: Duh. They must be butter, 'cause they on a ……roll.

SW: Where's that fan with the "I'm With Stupid" sign when you need him?

MM: Sir Hungalot is in, but he doesn't know who's turn it is to have the advantage…he rolls them anyway!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!

MA: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match….and NEEEEEEEEEEEEW! "FOUR-PLAY" TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS, THE KENT!….. STATE!…… KREW!

Sir H: (smacking his forehead) D'OH!

MM: WOW! The Kent State Krew has defied the odds and won the most storied tag-team titles in wrestling! And with the aid of an unlikely source, too! Sir Hungalot committed one of the largest gaffes in BOB's history and helped The Three Guy's nemesis win the straps!

SW: HEY! You can't blame The Sir, it's not his fault… what could he possibly know about small packages?

MS: And what an ending, this could be the beginnings of a huge showdown at Wrestlestarrmaniacade! Imagine The Kent State Krew defending the belts against Avenger, Mano, & Ken, The Three Guys, and The REALLY Nasty Boys!

MM: Speaking of our next big PPV, it's time for a promotional ad. Fans, we'll be right back.


WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE! ONLY 25 WEEKS AWAY! BUY IT!


MM: And we're back. Order has been restored, the ring has been cleared…and we're ready for the big climatic finale here at Monday Morning Mayhem…. it's Sarah vs. Billy, title vs. title… the MAIN EVENT IS NEXT!

[Queen's "We Are The Champions" begins to play as Billy Polar confidently struts out from behind the curtain/bed sheet to a loud mixed reaction. The Flunky quickly lights a cherry bomb at Billy's feet as he stops to pose, thus scaring the crap out of the Champ. Billy then pie-faces Flunky to the side and continues towards the ring, with such an overacted strut it'd make Flair jealous. The BOB's top man then places a large, cardboard title festered with zirconia and strategically placed tin foil at the announcer's table and gently rolls under the bottom rope…. only to mug even more for a now hostile audience.]

BP: Gimme that microphone, Masked Announce-hole! You know you can't have a show and not have I, Billy Polar, say something intelligent and informative during it. Get out of the ring, you uncultured, uneducated peasant! I went to Harvard, DAMMIT!

MM: The champion sure is focused today! He's even taking it out on the Masked Announcer, and even came out to new intro music. Strange, though… since he's only one guy and the title of the song has "we" in it. Make more sense if he had a tag-team partner and they were the champs….

SW: Mike, you're an idiot! Everybody knows that Billy's ego is considered another person! What, do you live in a cave or something?

BP: SILENCE!

[Crowd boos]

BP: (after waiting for the noise to die down a bit) In a few short minutes, you're going to see I, Billy Polar, The Great White Luchadore, and YOUR….ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!

[Billy knows the game and pauses for the boos. Which then occur, boos that is, because Billy knows the game. And Stephanie, too. Just ask him.]

BP:…* ahem * Yes, I, Billy Polar, am minutes away from becoming the first owner of BOTH the OWTTM and the Swiss Army Belt right after I beat the living hell out of Sarah The Slobber Saver. And why? BECAUSE I'M BILLY POLAR, DAMMIT! So what you gonna do?

[Crowd boos even louder]

BP: Okay, okay, calm down, people. * ahem * Before I commence with embarrassing Sarah the likes of which none of you retards here in Turkey Dick, Mississippi could ever imagine possible… I have to bring out my bitch first. So, without further AY-DEW…here she is….. NURSE HEIDI!

[Eddie B. strikes up "I'm A Slave 4U" by Britney Spears…obviously the hand-picked intro tune for Heidi by Billy himself. Nurse Heidi power walks towards the ring wearing a nursing outfit and white go-go boots. The look on her face indicates she wasn't to thrilled about that "my bitch" thing Billy said.]

BP: Ah yes… there she is. My "boo".

[Crowd boos]

MS: There's your BOO, you cocky son-of-a…..

SW: MARK! Settle down, my man. This show airs in the same time slot as Nick Jr. You wanna piss off parents? Get us all fired? What's a matter you?

BP: Heidi, just stand there at ringside and watch me rip Sarah a new one.

SW: I'd like to see that! WHOO HOO!

GBH: New what? Yur.

BP: Just stand there… and watch me smack Sarah around like a rented bitch.

[Crowd boos]

BP: ALL OF YOU! Stand there, and WATCH ME….

[Sarah blazes down the aisle as if shot out of a cannon as the place erupts in cheers. Billy tosses his mic aside and does a "Scott Hall Shuffle" in anticipation of Sarah making it to the ring. Styles is behind Sarah, pretty far behind as it becomes apparent that Sarah is a lot faster than he is. She drops her Swiss Army Belt at ringside and slides under the bottom rope to mid-ring. Billy misses a clothesline after Sarah stood up and quickly ducked down, and when Billy tuned around…. he got an inverted atomic drop for his trouble.]

Crowd: WHOOOM!

MM: And here we go! Sarah just nailed Polar down south with that one!

SW: She should be disqualified! Billy wouldn't do anything like that to her, he's a NOBLE champ!

MS: Ummm, Billy COULDN'T do that to her, Scotty.

SW: Why? 'Cause she don't have balls? Excuses, excuses. Quit sucking up to Sarah, Mark… she'll never even give you the time of day!

[Styles finally makes it to the announcer's table]

MM: Sarah with another right as Billy stands there defenseless… doing the "I just got racked" pigeon-toed stance!

Crowd: WHOOOM!

MM: And another right!

Crowd: WHOOOM!

MM: And another!

Crowd: WHOOOM!

MS: This crowd is in a frenzy! This is the greatest match ever, fans! Right here on Monday Morning Mayhem!

SW: * ahem * Tape delayed to Wednesday, however….

MM: Sarah now following a staggered Polar towards the corner… backs him in, she's up on the middle turnbuckle, balls a fist, looks to the crowd for approval, gets it… and starts hammering away!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN!

SW: Wow! You'd never see that in a hardcore serious fed!

MS: What? They have that happen in those all the time!

SW: But those writers are morons, it'd look more like this: 1,2,3,4,5,6…

MM: Scotty? What are you doing?

GBH: Duh. Scotty smart.

MS: Look at Billy, he's just standing there….huh? I think he's asking Sarah to punch him some more!

SW: Wouldn't you?! Look where his face is! WHOO HOO!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN!

MM: Sarah is taking the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS to the wood shed, fans!

Styles: THIS IS EXTREME, BABY!

MM: Oh, you startled me. Welcome to the broadcast booth…

Styles: Don't mention it, Mike. Just sit back, relax, and watch Sarah dump this Polar guy into wrestling obscurity. The old folks home of ex-champions!

MM: Hold on, sorry to cut you off there, Styles… but Masked Announcer finally found the microphone that Billy tossed out of the ring.

MA: THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE DAY! Title vs. Title, Champion vs. Champion! Introducing first, currently in control of this match, beating the hell out of Billy Polar…the Swiss Army Champion….. SARAH THE JOBBER SLAYER!

[Crowd reacts with a loud cheer]

MA: And her opponent, the Billy Polar I spoke of earlier getting the hell beat out of him… THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS……BILLY POLAR!

[Crowd boos, but instantly reverts back to cheers as Sarah throws Billy out of the corner and heads to the outside of the ring]

MM: Sarah is going up top!

SW: I'd like to go up on her top! To HELL with Lex Luger, I want to get hoisted up in THAT RACK, BABY!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

MS: Yeah, Scotty has no right to tell me to calm down, what he said was a bit out of line.

Styles: No, I meant OH MY GOD as in… OH MY GOD!

MM: Hey! Nurse Heidi is on the apron as Sarah gets ready to finish Billy off….HEY! She just pushed Sarah off the top and sent her crashing hard to the canvas!

SW: Well, she's gotta protect her man, Mike.

[Crowd erupts in cheers again]

MM: IT'S KAY FABE! KAY FABE IS COMING DOWN HERE!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

MS: Yeah, that didn't take long! Here comes Kay to protect her ma….ummm, woman. And she's goes right after Heidi!

SW: WHOO HOO! You have to love Kay's wiccan get-up, and those boots! Yummy! And there's Heidi with those go-go boots of hers….YEAH, BABY! CATFIGHT IN HIGH HEEL BOOTS! WHOOOOOO HOO!

MM: SO! That was you, Scotty!

SW: What?

MM: You know what… making those perverted web searches.

SW: Moi?

MM: YES, YOU! You know what I'm talking about…

SW: Haven't a clue.

GBH: Duh. Told you Scotty smart, him plead fifth.

SW: Was that GBH or The Fire Chief? Little help here?

MS: Gentlemen, please! We have a match to call! Heidi and Kay are hair pulling each other outside the ring…INSIDE, Billy has survived Sarah's brutal match starting onslaught and now has Sarah up….what's he going for….A TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!

MM: Sarah will never get up from that!

Styles: Yes she will! SARAH IS EXTREME!

SW: And for our loyal fans watching live at the Home For Wayward One Armed Blind Midgets…Billy Polar now has Sarah set up for a finisher that in this stage… resembles a vertical sixty-nine.

MM: Oh, THAT'S real nice, Scotty.

SW: Hey, they are BLIND after all, think before you speak, Monroe. I'm providing a service for those poor, one arm having, sightless little dwarves that tune in each and every week.

MM: And you paint such a vivid picture…

MS: But would a one armed blind midget even know what a sixty-nine is? I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm picking on them or anything, but I'm not too sure they've had a lot of experience in that field.

SW: So, just what ARE you saying, Shill? A blind midget that only has one arm could never have been kinky during sex? Huh? HUH? Is that what you're saying?

MM: Ummm, Billy is still holding Sarah in that * ahem * vertical sixty-nine position just before dropping that Tombstone!

SW: And look! She's loving it, too! Look at her legs wiggling, oh, Heidi is gonna be SO jealous!

MS: She's not wiggling! SHE'S REVERSING IT!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

MM: Sarah's legs have now caused a shift, Billy's bridging backwards….Sarah on her feet, still holding on! Has Billy up in Tombstone position! AND….

Crowd: WHOOOM!

MM:…. SHE HIT IT SOLID! THE COVER!

[Crowd counts along in that deliberate, "it's gotta be over" count we've all come to know and love.]

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE! [explosive cheers]

MM: SHE DID IT!

Styles: SEE! I TOLD YOU SO! Sarah has made history, now TWICE in this dump! She's the first ever woman to hold a title here when she became the first ever woman Swiss Army Champion… and now, the first ever woman ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! OH……MY…….GEEEEE-OD!

MM: I don't know, Billy didn't make much of an effort to kick out, something isn't right about this.

SW: Damn straight!

MS: Well, Billy's still laying there, after Sarah had to wrestle free from him trying to hold her on him.

SW: I bet Generic Ref could've counted to a million if he could and Billy wouldn't have cared. Damn, that Sarah is HOT!

MM: Well, look at this, Generic Ref IS handing Sarah the title! Maybe there isn't any funny business going on. Masked Announcer in to make it official….

MA: Ladies and gentlemen! The winner of the match, retaining the Swiss Army Belt, and now, THE NEEEEEEEEEEEEW! ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! SAR….

[The Masked Announcer is cut off by "Smooth Operator", Henry Rollins version. Catastrophic booing follows]

MM: Dammit! I KNEW that match was too short!

SW: What'd you expect, Mike? It was one of BOB's typical main event screw jobs…

MM: Yep. And here he comes, "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today" has went and done it again, messing up yet another story line.

SW: * ahem * Monroe?

MM: Yeah?

SW: Story line? Hello?

MM: Noted.

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants struts down the aisle waving a piece of paper over his head, he quickly enters the ring grabs the OWTTM from Sarah's grasp, then snatches the mic away from Masked Announcer. And then spits on him.]

SMP: Greetings, all you SUCKY POOTS here in Missi-SLURPY! Say hello, to your NEW! ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!

[Crowd boos loud as hell.]

SMP: Oh yeah, that's right. Roll the clip, Clive.

Clive: (from ringside) Ummm, like I'm filming you, dork.

SMP: Who you calling a dork, camera boy? Roll that (bleep)damn clip, Flunky!

[Cut to backstage area™… Flunky is seen sharing a "fat one" with douja.]

SMP: DAMMIT! I SAID FOR SOMEBODY TO ROLL THAT CLIP! ROLL THAT CLIP! SOMEBODY ROLL THAT GOD(bleep) CLIP!

[Static and then a disclaimer: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES]


Fans! Get your team colors on! Get your office pools filled in! It's 64 teams! IT'S MARCH MADNESS™! It's 64 wrestlers with one goal, THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! IT'S BOB'S MARCH MAYHEM™! Available in technicolor®! COMING SOON!© BUY IT!® NOW™!


[Back to the ring. SMP and Billy are chatting up Sarah while outside the ring Kay Fabe and Nurse Heidi are side by side signing autographs for ringsiders.]

MM: HEY! We're back on!

[They scramble into pre-commercial positions]

SMP: ROLL THE CLIP!

[Caption: EARLIER TODAY]

SMP: Listen, Billy…it's FOOLPROOF! Trust me. This plan will NOT fail. And then, you'll get it back. I promise.

BP: I don't know, your plans always backfire. I went to Harvard, dammit! And my Harvard intellect tells I, Billy Polar, that this plan is stupid.

SMP: Stupid? STUPID?! I'm the MASTER of dirty deeds, Billy. I'm SMP, "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today", remember? You wanna keep driving trucks with your OWN hands? Do you? Make the deal, Billy….it's a no-brainer. You get what you want, I get what I want….you'll win even if you LOSE against Sarah. It's as solid as the implants I put in Pamela Lee. Really. No bounce there. No bounce here. Take the check, Billy…

[End clip]

SMP: So you see, I paid Billy half of what Rolindo McMahon paid me for BOB last summer, and that equates to half a million dollars! I bought the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! And here, in my hand, is a piece of paper with Billy's signature on it that says I'm champion. So, Sarah, you're not the champion, because Billy wasn't the champion when you beat him. I WAS! After having bought the title earlier today! The Not Quite Millionaires RULE! BWAAA HAAA HAA!

[Crowd starts a "Vagi-Sil" chant. SMP gives Billy the "evil eye"]

SMP: Thanks, buddy.

BP: Nothing to it, old pal.

SMP: Okay, Sarah… now you can take your pitiful little self back to the dressing room before we get medieval on your ass. Ah, what the hell? Let's do it anyway! Get her Billy!

MS: THIS IS TERRIBLE! THE MOST HORRIBLE INCIDENT EVER IN BOB! A VICIOUS TWO-ON-ONE ATTACK!

[Billy reaches around Sarah and applies what looks like a two handed brain claw on her butt cheeks]

SW: LOOK AT THAT! Billy with the infamous South East Asia Gluteal Nerve Pinch!

MM: Looks to me like he's just trying to cop a feel of Sarah's ass.

SW: Well, okay… that's what he's doing. I'm just trying to compete with Shill.

[Stuff Breaking is heard, followed by the queen mother of all crowd pops]

Styles: OH MY GOD!

[Not THAT stuff breaking, but stuff breaking, as in, the aisle. Bohemoth sloths down to the ring]

MM: It's Bohemoth!

SW: Yeah, narrator guy already said that.

MM: Shut up, Scotty!

MS: Shhhhh! He's in the ring, and HE now has the mic!

Bo: Hey, Doc! Remember in the STWF, when I was the Intergalactic Champion, and you begged and begged for a title shot? Then I gave it to you, and beat you in like, 3 seconds? Well, there was some fine print on that contract and it stated that when, and IF, you ever won a World Title again… I got the first crack at it. So, let's get cracking.

SMP: WHAT?! That's crap! That was two years ago, you glass eye having, 80 sandwich a day eating, coal mining lump of diddly poo!

Bo: Well, you SIGNED it. So, fight me… unless you're YELLA!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Bohemoth's pulling no punches! He just hit SMP with the "Marty McFly" challenge! Let's see if Plants falls for it!

SMP: Nobody…calls me yella.

Styles: OH MY GOD! HE DID!

MA: Ladies and gentlemen, this post main event main event is for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! LET'S GET IT ON!

MM: And it looks legit, fans! SMP vs. Bo for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Sarah now fighting back against Billy and they both tumble out of the ring…Kay and Heidi are also fighting again!

SW: Yeah, and I need to break THAT up before Heidi and Kay kill each other! Or something like that. Ummmm, yeah.

[Scotty runs off and dives between Heidi and Kay. Meanwhile, Sarah just posted Billy and distracts the ringsiders so he can blade discreetly. Meanwhile meanwhile, SMP is throwing a wild right at Bo in the ring]

MM: Here we go! Plants' right is blocked by Bo! Bo with a right of his own! Another! Another! Another! Irish whip, big boot upside the head, legdrop, hooks the leg, (and then, as the crowd counts with Mike) ONE! TWO! THREE!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Bo has returned to his original gimmick as HORK HORGAN!

MM: HEY! How'd you know about that?! That's a STWF inside joke from WAY back!

MA: Ladies and gentlemen…the winner of the match, and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! BOH----

[The Masked Announcer is interrupted again, this time by these lyrics…]

YOU'LL GET….orange pants, that's what you've got.
(music break)
Three squares and an Army cot….
(music break)
Three years till your next parole….
(music break)
Too bad, that's three to go…
(music break)
CAUSE YOU'VE GOT! Orange pants! Orange pants in jail!
You'll get, ORANGE PANTS! Orange pants in jail!
You've got, ORANGE PANTS! Orange pants in jail!
You'll wear….ORANGE PANTS! ORANGE PANTS IN JAIL!
COME ON! Come on….

[The BigBOSS himself casually walks down the aisle as a quick pan to ringside sees Scotty frolicking in between a struggling-to-get-at-each-other Heidi and Kay Fabe, and Scotty has a smile on his face so big he could possibly swallow his own head. The BigBOSS walks right by the threesome and enters the ring. Of course, he grabs the microphone from M.A.]

BB: Bo, I'm sorry. You are not the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

[Crowds boos]

SMP: HA! HA! Hand it over, you fatty lard ass!

BB: That's not going to happen. Dr. Plants, you're not the champion, either.

[Crowd cheers]

SMP: WHAT?! I'll KILL YOU!

BB: Hold on, SMP. Sarah, could you please enter the ring?

[Crowd cheers]

BB: I'm sorry, but unfortunately you're not the champion, either.

[Crowd boos]

BP: (wiping blood off his head) BWAA HAAA HAAA! I got Plants' money and I'm still the champ! Damn, now don't you all wish you went to Harvard, like I, Billy Polar, did! I'm a GENIUS!

BB: Ummmm, Billy. You're not the champion, either.

[Crowd cheers]

BP: WHAT?! You can say that to I! You never went to Harvard, dammit!

BB: But I am the owner of this federation, and as a result of everything that happened in this ring today… I have to do this….
Billy, you're no longer recognized as the OWCTM because you willfully tried to sell your title, and made quite a healthy monetary gain I might add considering it's a piece of crap. But you gave up the championship for a fast buck, a LOT of fast bucks for that matter. Kinda makes me wish I was champion so I could sell it for that price. But anyway, you gave the title up, so you're no longer the holder.

[Crowd cheers]

BB: Now Sarah, unfortunately, since Billy had forfeited his right to the title earlier in the day due to underhanded scheme, he legally was not the champion during the match. I can't grant you the title.

[Crowd boos]

BB: And Plants, due to the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase Act of 1989, no wrestler can purchase a title from another wrestler. Therefor, your contract with Billy is null and void.

[Crowd cheers]

BB: And Bo, since Plants wasn't the champion when you kicked his ass, I can't award you the title, either.

[Crowd boos]

BB: But, I can do this! And make a command, on the spot decision! (pulls out 3x5 index card)

MM: OH NO! Fan's, due to this thing running late because Billy talks too much and the Plants/Bo squash...WE'RE OUT OF TIME! We'll get an update as soon as possible! For everybody here today...I'm Mike Monroe and GOOD NIGHT FROM MONDAY, ummmm, WEDNESDAY MORNING!


SW: Are we off the air? Good, I gotta piss.

MM: Scotty! We might be off the air, but Clive is still taping. We have to find out what the BigBOSS has on his mind, settle this main event cluster fluck, and find out what happened to Nurse Heidi and Kay Fabe... who were last seen beating the eyeliner off each other back up the aisle and behind the curtain.

SW: Eyeliner? I can name at least ONE thing that's better for them to beat off.

MS: Let me guess...

MM: Nah, don't bother, Mark. You'll feed his ego.

Styles: Scotty with an ego. OH MY GOD! I don't believe it.

MM: Do I note sarcasm there?

SW: Leave him alone, Mike... he can't be all bad. After all, he DID run GBH out from the announcer's table.

MM: You have a point, although repeating OH MY GOD is almost getting as annoying as repeating yur. But anyway, while The BigBOSS, Bohemoth, Billy, Sarah, and SMP take a smoke break in the ring, let's head backstage as Kay and Heidi are still going at it!

SW: HEY!

MM: Don't even say it, Scotty....

[Cut to the back. Heidi and Kay are standing by a water cooler, just hanging out until they notice KamKorder Kid is taping, then they start bitch slapping each other like crazy...until.]

MM: LOOK OUT! Urine just attacked Kay Fabe! It's Urine!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

SW: Yeah, that is a stupid ass name. Urine. Who's his brother? Piss? Grandpa called Turd Ferguson?

MS: Stop it, Scotty...this is serious! And now look, Little Good is out there too! Little Good and Urine are double teaming Kay!

SW: * pfffft *

MM: Get your mind out of the gutter, Whatbody! Does every little thing we say HAVE to be sexually punned by you? Everything?!

SW: Yeah, pretty much.

MS: Heidi is just standing there while this two on one continues! Do something Heidi!

SW: Yeah! Join in and make it officially an orgy!

MM: SCOTTY! How could you?!

Styles: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! SHUT UP! Look at Heidi, her estrogen link is kicking in....OH MY GOD!

MM: You'r right! Heidi is attacking Little Good! Slams his head into the water cooler! Now, a kick to Urine's gut, she's hooking him up....HERE COMES THE HEID-I-GREE!

MS: OOOOOOOH! Heidi just got leveled by Little Good! Heidi and Kay are now both going down!

MM: Shut up, Scotty!

SW: I didn't say anything!

MS: What's Urine doing? It looks like he's unzipping his pants! OH NO! He's gonna pee on them! He's going TOO FAR! Even for th is place!

[Back to ringside]

MM: Fans, we apologize for what you just saw. Urine has crossed the line. He's broken the boundaries of what we're even comfortable doing. There will be Hell to pay when Kay and Heidi get ahold of him and Little Good.

SW: Yeah, that Urine is pathetic. And what dumb ass! Had Heidi and Kay laying right there and all he could think about doing was draining the main vein? Putz.

MS: Looks like another match for WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE™. Wow, that thing is really beginning to shape up, huh? I even heard the Nicolas Cage Match between SMP and Luke Warm might be on that card.

MM: That's not confirmed, Mark. Don't spread rumors.

Styles: Okay, you guys. BigBOSS has his index cards in order, let's see what's going on in there.

[Cut to in-ring March Mayhem™ build-up and hype machine]

BB: Okay, as the owner of this promotion, I have made a spur of the moment command decision. * ahem * (squints at cards) Billy Polar, since you were the last official OWCTM, you will still go into the March Mayhem tournament as a number one seed and be represented by the number one team in the country, which is now, after Duke's loss Sunday to Maryland....it's Kansas. Which now puts you in the probably the Mid-West Region instead of the East.

BP: WHAT?! I don't want Kansas! They always choke! I want Duke! I want Duke! And the Midwest has tornadoes in March, I don't want to go there! Hell with THAT! I want DUKE!

BB: Shut-up, Polar.

[Crowd cheers]

BB: Sarah, since you defeated Billy, and are the current Swiss Army champion...you'll also get a top seed and be represented by the number two team in the country. Currently Maryland.

BP: SHE DIDN'T BEAT ME! I short-armed the hell out of that match!

BB: Shut-up, Polar.

[Crowd cheers]

BB: Bohemoth, since you defeated SMP when we all thought he was the champion, you'll also get a top seed. You'll be repesented by the number three team in the land....currently Duke.

MM: What a break for Bo!

SW: That's not gonna last, you idiot! Conference tournaments are coming up, the rankings are gonna get scrambled like GBH's brains before the Big Dance starts!

BB: And SMP, even though you haven't won anything to deserve this, and didn't beat anybody who we even THOUGHT had the title...I'm giving you the final number one seed. But only because you weren't in the tournament last year, and because you're being represented by the number four team in the nation...that is if they get the other one seed in the tournament. That's Cincinnati. And they ALWAYS fall short come March.

SMP: DAMN YOU! YOU'LL ROT IN HELL FOR THIS!

BB: That's it. You four have just become the March Mayhem™ Top Four...the Number One Seeds! You want the title? You'll have to earn it by outlasting 63 others! Good luck to all!

[Crowd cheers]

MM: Wow! What an announcement by The BigBOSS! We now have the four number one seeds!

SW: And Billy will make history becoming the first ever TWO TIME ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!

Styles: OH MY GOD! That's not gonna happen! Sarah will make history becoming the first woman ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! OH MY, IT'LL BE EXTREME!

MM: But hold on, SMP or Bohemoth can also make history...becoming the first to have held both the OWTTM here in the BOB and the legendary Intergalactic Title in the STWF!

MS: YOU CAN CUT THE INTENSITY WITH A KNIFE!

SW: Hey, what's that?

[The lights flicker, and this time it's intentional.]

Voice over: "N-N-N" incurable Apathy disease. incurable Apathy disease. incurable Apathy disease.

[Bad remix of nWo theme plays, which is kinda like the same music. A man steps out from behind the sheet.]

Styles: OH MY GOD! IT'S TREY VINCENT! TREY VINCENT! HE'S EXTREME!

[Trey walks out and then does a "Scott Hall Shuffle Point" to the curtain. A darkly tanned man steps out.]

MM: AND STEVE STUDNUTS! THE iAd IS HERE! OH NO! BOB as we know it will never be the same!

SW: WHOO HOO! They're going to the ring!

MM: But we have four of our top wrestlers in there right now! Let those iAd guys come on down and get some!

MS: Ummmmm, we DID. SMP and Polar just split!

MM: THOSE COWARDS!

SW: Cowards? They're smart...live to fight another day!

MM: Fans, there's no secret what's going on here...Bohemoth eliminated Studnuts from last year's March Mayhem tournament to go to the UnFourtunate Four, and I'm sure Studs hasn't forgotten that! And Trey has already made it known that he'd like to get it on with Sarah!

SW: Who wouldnt?!

MS: I knew he was gonna say that!

MM: HERE WE GO! Studnuts has charged Bo! Trey and Sarah are exchanging blows!

SW: BWAAA HAA HAA!

MM: We have to go! Clive's battery is outta juice! We'll see you at March Mayhem everybody!


©2002 BOB Wrestling! It just gets worse....

 

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