Brawlers On a Budget > Episodes > 2002 > Monday Morning Mayhem 18

ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS MATCH
Trey Vincent vs. ??

[Backstage with the iAd.]

SH: Are you ready, Trey?

TV: Yes (he says nervously). But you guys are gonna watch my back right?

SS: I will, but I'm not so sure about Seth.

SH: *Ahem.*

TV: I need us to all be on the same page. This is the biggest test since I've been in BOB. Hell, he's not even from BOB. This goes all the way back to jOlt!

SS: C'mon Seth.

SH: Sorry Trey. I'm afraid, until you redeem yourself, you are on your own tonight.

[Harker walks out of the room.]

SS: (He holds up his sling.) Well, come to think of it. See ya!

[Studnuts leaves. After a pause, Vincent gulps.]

MM: jOlt? Don't tell me MORE professional wrestlers are coming to BOB.

SW: Well, this should only be a one-night deal. I still can't figure out why the iAd is still here in BOB.

MM: Well, they are champions now. But we're ready.

MA: The following contest is for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

[Crowd pops.]

[Eddie B. puts on "All Hail The New Flesh" by Strapping Young Lad, which brings out the Sports Entertainment Icon, Trey Vincent.]

MA: He is the BOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Trey, Vincent!

[Trey walks down the aisle, looking around, pausing every so often to yell at a fan. He gets in the ring and drops the title at the feet of the Generic Ref. The ref goes to pick it up, and Vincent kicks him in the butt!]

SW: And now a wedgie? What the hell?

GBH: Skidmark hee hee.

[After the music dies down, there is a pause as everyone waits to see "the longtime nemesis" of Trey Vincent. The only clue was jOlt.

SW: Who could it be?

MM: I have no idea. I don't follow any feds besides BOB.

["Payback" by Flaw begins to play.]

MM: OH NO! It can't be! LANCE KNIGHT is in BOB!

SW: I thought you didn't follow other feds? Oh, I see. (Sound of a page turning). LANCE KNIGHT! The man who was last in the fWo! The greatest efed since the dawn of time in many people's eyes! And NO, I didn't send Travis an application.

MM: Travis? Travis who?

GBH: Lance is short and shiny!

SW: He's what?

MM: GBH is right!

SW: He's what?

MM: Look at the entryway! It's a shortish man in a suit of armor! And look at Vincent yucking it up in the ring.

TV: Bring it on!

MA: And the mystery opponent. Fresh off the unemployment line. Here is Lance The Knight!

[TV grabs the mic.]

TV: Finally, after months and months of you hiding from Trey Vincent, it's TIME. TO. PAY! Go hide in your silly little fWo. Well look at you now!

[Lance stumbles down to the ring and struggles with the steps. His legs are very stiff and robot-like, being, made of steel.]

TV: C'mon you charisma-deficient, poor excuse for a sports entertainer! This is where Lance The Knight truly belongs. In gimmick hell. Since you have no gimmick. Though this suit of armor is a nice twist. Finally, showing some personality, eh?

[Lance does the stop, drop and roll Lenny used earlier in the morning to get in the ring.]

SW: Isn't that Sleazy-C?

MM: I think it is! Oh, so this is just some make fun of a real wrestler with a smaller guy bit?

SW: Looks like it.

MM: Would we expect anything else from the iAd?

SW: Here? No. They love putting out crappy angles here. Just look at this whole show! And wait til you see what happens in our "main event."

TV: So, Lance. Last time we were together, all I could was you running from the truth. About your past. And about your inadequacies. Both in and out of the ring. So why don't you wow everyone in BOB with one of your great interviews.

[Vincent hands Lance the mic.]

LTK: Hello. I am not an entertainer. I am a wrestler. I am not a robot. I am a human being. I do not appreciate you pointing out my character flaws. I do not appreciate you telling everyone I am boring. Because I am not boring. I am not boring. And that is all I have to say to you Mr. Vincent. Thank you.

TV: What about your catchphrase?

LTK: My what?

TV: Your catchphrase.

LTK: That does not compute. Error. Error.

TV: Why did you run from me in jOlt?

LTK: Because I knew you would embarrass me in the ring. And you would take away my only talent. Wrestling. When you beat me with ease. Because I am a wrestler. And I am boring. And nobody is as good as Trey Vincent.

[The crowd boos.]

TV: What's the matter? Do you people actually know who this Lance Knight loser is? The only thing stiffer than this knight suit was Lance Knight! Bwahahaha. Well fine. For all you idiots here who like Lance and his precious fWo, which can KISS MY NUTS, we're going to stage what WOULD have happened if Lance wasn't such a scared little girly man! Screw it, we don't need a bell.

MM: And, the "match" is on. Vincent clotheslines Lance to the mat.

SW: I think he's found a chink in his armor!

MM: Oh, my! That was bad.

SW: Did I mention, Sleazy-C is part Chinese?

MM: Stop it! You're gonna get us throw off TV AND the Internet!

SW: I'm a parody outlaw among outlaws! (Puts feet up on table, but, since there is no table, his feet end up back on the floor with a crash.) Oops.

GBH: Hur hur hur!

MM: And Vincent is about ready for the Big Time Fist Drop! He bounces off one side of the ring. The opposite side of the ring. The third side of the ring. And the fourth side of the ring. Vincent is about to hit the move, but before he does, he takes out a piece of paper from his shorts and unfolds it. He opens it up and points it to the camera.

[The sign says fWo.]

MM: He opens the face mask and puts the paper down on Knight's head. And then he drops the Big Time Fist Drop! Cover! One. Two. Three! Vincent with a "win" in his "title defense."

TV: Hey Mike. Enough "sarcasm." Or I'll "fire" you. "Got it?"

MM: Um. Yes.

TV: Now, some of you people have no clue what the fWo is. Well, let me tell you what that idiot Lance Knight did. I don't know if he's still there or not, because they're "closed" right now. And the real roster is a big secret. But. The fWo had Trey Vincent black-listed. Trey Vincent was labeled TOO OUTRAGEOUS for the almighty fWo. They don't want anyone with an opinion? They don't want anyone who has real talent? They don't want a bonafide star? They wanna listen to a gimmickless blunder and keep out someone who can bring some interest back to their pathetic little federation who nobody even TALKS about anymore? Fine. LICK MY NUTS. I am the greatest sports entertainer of all damn time. And if you don't take my word for it, just ask Trey Vincent. He'll tell you how good he is.

TV: So, to Lance Knight. Wherever you are. If by chance you see this. I want you to know something. Someday, I'm gonna get you and expose you for what you really are. No, everyone knows about how badly you suck on the mic. I'm talking about the REAL you. The things you have hidden. Come to me. Or I'll come for you. Even if I have to break in to the precious federation that employs you. I'm calling you out Lance. Any time. Any place. You want some of this? I'm not a hard man to find. I'll make sure to log on to the Lance Knight Web site, www.ISUCKASS.com and see if you've posted a reply.

Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie…

[Sounds of cookie jars breaking as JJ enters the arena. He stomps to the ring and snatches the mic from Vincent!]

JJ: Are you done? What? I said are you done? I'm sick to death of hearing you flappin' your gums about Lance Knight. What is this crap? Why don't you put your little title on the line against Hardcore JJ?

[Crowd pops.]

JJ: If ya wanna see Hardcore JJ open a can of whoop ass on Gay Vincest, gimme a HELL YEAH!

Crowd: HELL YEAH!

MM: JJ DROP ON VINCENT! OH MY GOD! VINCENT IS DOWN!

SW: Vincent looked like he was going to grab JJ, but JJ seized the advantage, and now he's celebrating with more Pepsi's. Somebody's gonna have a full diaper in a little while.

GBH: Dur, cramps!

MM: That too. Why are you making so much sense?

GBH: Dur. Hand movey?

MM: Uh oh. Vincent is back up.

TV: SECURITY! SECURITY!

[TEAM SECURITY trots down to the ring.]

TV: I want that toddler arrested!

MM: The crowd is pissed!

SW: And rightly so.

MM: The security team has surrounded the toddler! And they've got him face down on the mat! His hands behind his back. And they've handcuffed him! Just when you think you've seen every stupid thing you thought you could see here.

SW: I know. A three-year-old Stone Cold rip-off getting arrested. Whoda thunkit?

MM: And security has the cuffed boy rolled out onto the floor. JJ's looking at the camera. What's he gonna say?

JJ: I ain't through with ya Vincest. Not by a LONG shot!

[Vincent stares at the mob as we fade out.]

FANS! Are you feeling lucky? Well, are ya, punk? Well someone's going to get the break of a lifetime at BOB's SEND US MONEY: A CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING! Who'll get the title shots? We don't know! Who'll end up jerking the curtain against the Rite To Suck? We couldn't say! When will it screen? We're not even going to hazard a guess! (BOB's Time, yeah?) BOB's SUM: ACWBaFT! Coming SOON!