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Brawlers On a Budget > Episodes > 2002 > Monday Morning Mayhem 18

This Show Lasted Longer Than Most Marriages!

[We are live (when it happened) in The Can in Hanes, Pennsylvania. The camera pans the surprisingly full arena (that's the good news, bad news is, there's only about 300 seats there). The crowd is applauding and a B-O-B chant has broken out. Ah yes, we're not too far away from Philly, where everything has to get chanted. Hmmm. Could BOB actually get some decent reaction tonight? Let's find out how the hardcore Pennsylvania fans respond to BOB! And besides that, I'm out of material, and I'm not the show anyway, so let's head to ringside, hmmm?]

MM: Good morning everyone, and WELCOME! To the FINAL MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM. I'm your host, Mike "The Monotone" Monroe! Also with me, in a nice bit of nostalgia, is our cranially-challenged commentator, the 400-pounder with the brain of a flounder, GBH!

GBH: Huuh?

MM: Nice to have you here, GBH!

GBH: Whut? What's dis? Uh?

SW: And alongside him, the now legendary color commentator, SCOTTY WHATBODY!

SW: Enough sentimentality. Why are you two back here?

MM: We're going for the old school feel tonight. Sending this show out the way it came in.

SW: So why aren't we in the gym where we had our first show?

MM: Well, this place was paid for in advance, and you know how much BigBoss likes to get cheated out of money. Although after the pay-per-view, he no doubt is rolling around in it.

SW: Forget about HIM rolling around in it. I was picturing Mrs. BigBoss rolling around in that money. Humina, humina, humina.

Useless Aggression

[The crowd notices movement at the entryway.]

SW: Woohoo! Lesbian in the house!

MM: "The Domino" Kay Fabe is making her way to the ring. And here comes Xamfir and Little Good! And, who is that guy?

SW: That's Peter F. Hayman and "The Next Big Thingee" Dustbuster Boy!

MM: And here comes The Agency, Sculder and Mully. They're going to be having a big match tonight with, the men who come out behind them, the New Age Inlaws, newcomers to BOB. TransContinental Jim and Back Road Billy. And here comes another newcomer in a strait-jacket, it's "Loony" Lenny.

SW: Damn. BigBoss wins the chick lottery and starts employing new characters? I'm shocked!

MM: Don't be.

[High-pitched screaming suddenly becomes deafening.]

MM: It's Totally Face! Now, totally champion.

SW: Pimped out in gold tonight, aren't they?

GBH: Wordie, hur hur hur.

MM: You got the tag team champions in Jim and Brandon and the co-holders of the Swiss Army Title, Violent Pacifist and Josh!

SW: And those other two guys.

Sir Hungalot: Hey!

Jean Bannister: We have names announcer boy!

Crowd: We want JJ (clap, clap, clapclapclap). We want JJ (clap, clap, clapclapclap).

SW: And there's the Da Sassy Bitch doing what he does best, bringing up the rear!


SW: And here comes the mountain of a man, Bohemoth! And where is Heidi? I miss her so much. I need some sexual tension.

GBH: Love you Scotty!

SW: Get your hand off my leg you big idiot!

MM: There's your sexual tension, Scotty!

GBH: Yur.

SW: That's Da Sassy Bitch's type of sexual tension.

DSB: I heard that!

MM: And here comes Kurt Angel!


Kurt Angel: Shut up! I do NOT suck. Not false. SO not false!

SW: And here comes Bohemoth, who was kind enough to put down his hoagies and get himself out of bed to join us. How nice of him. Still won't promo though, will he? How is he ever going to win a match?

MM: Scotty, logic doesn't apply in parody sports entertainment, you know that!

GBH: Bouncy, bouncy!

MM: He's right for a change! Here comes--

SW: Nurse Heidi! Along with Billy Polar! I thought he was dead!

MM: He might be, the tests still haven't come back.

SW: What tests?

MM: And there's the Geek! Man, he's looking a little worse for wear. Has he been living on the streets or something?

SW: He's taking this not having the AYOOYFM thing badly. He's even more disheveled than most loser Star Trek fans. Oh man, and I can smell him from here!

MM: It's Skidmark Inc.! Here comes The Undietaker!

SW: Well, that's everyone who was given $5 for gas money to get to the show. Except for…hey! Where's Sarah?

MM: Wait Scotty.

SW: What?

MM: Just wait.

[Silence. The crowd looks toward the entrance in anticipation.]

[Deafening pop!]

MM: LUKE WARM IS BACK IN BOB! And he enters the ring to the loudest pop you will ever hear in a BOB show.

SW: Unless Sarah or Kay Fabe's top falls off.

GBH: Yur!

SW: Uh oh, are we gonna get the traditional big gathering main eventer mid-ring stare down?

MM: And there it is!

49% of crowd: Un-die-ta-ker (clap, clap, clapclapclap).

49% of crowd: Luke Warm! Luke Warm! Luke Warm!

2 % of crowd: E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! (Some people just can't let go, can they?)

GBH: Hee hee!

SW: Let go of my hand you lunkhead!

GBH: Hand, purty, hur hur hur!

MM: It's all about ratings, Scotty. We have an apparently gay audience and we've got to play more to them.

SW: And that's why Da Sassy

DSB: Stop it you bastards! I will not be your perpetual punch line every time I'm out here!

[Suddenly, a bird flies down onto Da Sassy Bitch's shoulder.]

SW: What the hell?

GBH: Tweet, tweet.

SW: Very good, GBH.

MM: Well, I'm no expert or anything, but (sound of papers shuffling) I think that is the famous black-rumped flameback! Oh no! It just dropped a load on Da Sassy Bitch's shoulder!

SW: A black-rumped flameback just took a dump on a white-rumped flamer? If that isn't pornographic, I don't know what is.

GBH: Tweety, tweety, fly away!

MM: And the bird is out of here.

DSB: Damn BOB!

[The crowd begins to boo loudly as "N.W.O." by Ministry begins to play. Out first steps Seth Harker. Following behind him is Steve Studnuts, his right arm still in a sling. Or back in a sling. Was it out at some point during his promos? This narrator sure as hell wasn't looking at his arms. And then the music dies down and the chords of "All Hail The New Flesh" kick in. Harker and Studnuts both wait down just outside the ring as the music blasts on and Trey Vincent emerges with the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS held high over his head in his right hand. As he walks down the aisle to boos, he shoves the belt at fans and has words with many of them. Having a jolly good time.]

MM: Yes, Trey Vincent is BOB's champion. There is something so wrong with that.

SW: Will the BigBOSS be here to confront Trey?

MM: I would imagine so, if he were here. Isn't he on his honeymoon? The iAd is telling everyone to get out of the ring onto the apron. I guess they're not good enough to share the same ring space.

SW: Well, let's see what the iAd has to say to everybody.

GBH: Insane hands?

TV: In this federation's pathetic existence, you losers have seen a lot of errors. First, we saw the Premslwvk error. Then the Bobo Fiendish error. Then the Lord Sexbat error. Followed by the douja error. Then the Ronald Killalot error. Which was followed by the Billy Polar error (he says looking at the zombie-like ex-OWCTM). And lastly, we had the Bohemoth error.

MM: I think he means era.

SW: I dunno. Error is kind of fitting for this place.

TV: But now, we are in the Trey Vincent ERA.

[Backstage, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is watching. Since there are no monitors backstage, she is peeking out through the curtains.]

TV: And Trey Vincent is going to bring a little entertainment to this little federation whether you idiots like it or not.

Crowd: I-a-d. I-a-d.

TV: Shut up! We're heels you idiots.

Crowd: Wrestling's fake (clap, clap, clapclapclap). Didn't you know? (clap, clap, clapclapclap).

TV: I hate Philly fans. So to all you so-called BOB sports entertainers. And as part booker. I want to see who is willing to come into the 21st century. To cut to the gist, none of you can ever hope to get this title away from me. You can dream of pinning me, but that's all it is. It's useless to dream of beating me, nobody here has the talent. But, that doesn't mean you can't have some mediocre success here in BOB.

TV: So, I want all of you to show your 33 1/3 boss some aggression. Some….useless aggression! Just like the lovely Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" did at Wrestlestarrmaniacade. She finally realized she will never beat the Sports Entertainment Icon. Maybe you idiots can consider your pathetic lives worth something if you win a stupid little title like the Swiss Army Title or the Tag Team Titles.

Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie…

[Sounds of cookie jars crashing fills The Can. Every jaw on every member of the iAd drops open, and Trey Vincent does the Big Gulp™ as Hardcore JJ begins to walk down the aisle.]

MM: It's Hardcore JJ!

[The fans are going wild for JJ as he walks up the steps and gets in the ring. He walks to one corner and gets on the first rope and raises his fists in the air. He then brushes past all three members of the iAd and goes to the opposite corner and repeats. Then he goes to the third corner and does the same thing. And then he brushes by the iAd again and goes to the final corner. Then he goes to the first corner again and repeats. But then he gets a look at Luke Warm and the two stare at each other for a second before JJ turns his attention to his nemesises.]

Crowd: J-J, J-J, J-J!

MM: JJ just tried to steal the microphone from Vincent. But Vincent is holding it up way over his head. OH!

SW: JJ with a nut shot! And Trey drops the mic. Studnuts and Harker are holding Vincent back.

GBH: Busted nuts, hur, hur.

JJ: I went to Wrestlestarrmaniacade as Hardcore champion, and I walked out with nothing to show for it.

Crowd: WHAT?

JJJ: Somebody has some explaining to do.

Crowd: WHAT?

JJ: I said somebody has some explaining to do.

Crowd: What?

JJ: I want answers!

Crowd: What?

JJ: The iAd finds me in the van.

Crowd: What?

JJ: Still strapped into my seat.

Crowd: What?

JJ: And they have to cover up their actions like a Catholic priest?

Crowd: What?

JJ: Nuuuuhhh-uuuhhh.

Crowd: What?

[Crowd pops.]

SW: Didn't I see this dialogue somewhere before?

GBH: Deja hands? Hee hee!

MM: JJ showing some USELESS AGGRESSION here.

JJ: They want to attack Hardcore JJ when he’s strapped in his car seat?

Crowd: What?

JJ: They want to handicap me?

Crowd: What?

JJ: My Blues Clues watch is talking to me and it’s telling me that it’s time to take out the garbage, and the garbage is labeled I

Crowd: What!


Crowd: What?

JJ: D.

Crowd: What?

[The crowd pops, again.]

JJ: You want to destroy BOB? Well Steve from Blues Clues told me about sharing, and so iAd, I want to share something with you. It’s a gift-wrapped six-pack of whoop-ass.

[The crowd pops again, as if they already had seen the script!]

JJ: So Gay Vincest, why don't you put your little title belt on the line and we’ll see who is the toughest summabitch this side of your mama’s fat ass.

MM: Uh oh! Trey just lunged forward at that remark.

SW: And Harker and Studnuts are doing the old hold back the heel bit.

JJ: So I am going to make your lives a living hell until you face me. And that’s the last line, because my mommy said so.

MM: And Totally Face just cut off a potential attack on a toddler. We've got ourselves yet another standoff.

FANS! Are you feeling lucky? Well, are ya, punk? Well someone's going to get the break of a lifetime at BOB's SEND US MONEY: A CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING! Who'll get the title shots? We don't know! Who'll end up jerking the curtain against the Rite To Suck? We couldn't say! When will it screen? We're not even going to hazard a guess! (BOB's Time, yeah?) BOB's SUM: ACWBaFT! Coming SOON!

"Loony" Lenny vs. "The Next Big Thingee" Dustbuster Boy

SW: It's a good thing everybody just walked backstage once that commercial started, or boy wouldn't our faces be red right now?

MM: Scotty!

SW: Though the fans were a little puzzled.

MA: Ladies and gentleman, this is our opening match. Introducing first, making his debut in a BOB ring, he is from Unknown and weighs in tonight at 225 pounds, depending on what he ate for dinner last night and whether or not he has been to the bathroom yet.

MM: What?

Crowd: WHAT?

MA: I told you, I just read the cards!

GBH: Duh. Dumb.

SW: From the mouths of idiots.

MA: This is "Loony" Lenny.

[Eddie B. cranks up "Rainbows and Stuff" by Insane Clown Posse. Out walks the odd man known as "Loony" Lenny.]

GBH: Hur hur hur HUR hur.

SW: No, that was Woody Woodpecker. Looney Tunes had Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.

GBH: Dur. What's up. Dur. Doc?

MM: Despite his cartoony name and appearance, Lenny is nuts.

SW: Maybe he can get a pet woodpecker named Harry.

GBH: Dur?

MM: Think that was a little too subtle for GBH. As you can see, Lenny has come out to the ring dressed in a strait-jacket. How he expects to wrestle in that, I don't know.

SW: He's having a hard enough time trying to get in the ring. Bwahaha. This is funny.

MM: He just figured out the easiest thing to do. Stop, drop and roll, under the bottom rope.

Loony Lenny: (To Generic Ref) Hey, I need you to get the key out and UNLOCK ME!

Generic Ref: (After recoiling) Fine, where's the key?

Loony Lenny: In my pants.

GR: I'm not going in your pants! Get the key yourself!

MM: And "Loony" Lenny just got an arm free and pulled the key out and tossed it to the ref. This is just bizarre.

SW: And NOW the ref doesn't mind touching a key that was in Lenny's pants? The logic in that ring is staggering.

GBH: Dur. Protect. Dur. Talent. Scotty. What's dis?

[Scotty shrieks.]

MM: Oh my GOD!

[Cut to Styles, somewhere.]

Styles: Why do I even exist anymore?

[Back to arena.]

MA: And his opponent, we have yet to collect his stats, but he is being accompanied by his agent, F. Peter Hayman, he is "The Next Big Thingee" in BOB, Dustbuster Boy.

[Eddie B. cranks up the Mazda commercial song, except where they say zoom zoom zoom, a dustbuster is revved up, drowning out the lyrics. And out walks F. Peter Hayman in a suit and an ECW baseball cap, followed closely by his protégé, Dusbuster Boy.]

SW: Crowd's all over F. Hayman here.

MM: F. Hayman? I wonder why.

Crowd: E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!

MM: And isn't is fitting the name Dusbuster Boy? Since he sucks.

SW: Hey! That's my cousin! Dustbuster Boy rules! Where is Mark Shill? Didn't YOU GET FIRED at Gluttons For Punishment?

MM: Well, somebody rehired me. And I'm still your uber boss.

SW: Uber this, Monroe!

MM: I'll make GBH do that thing again.

SW: Fine, I'll shut up. Go RICKY!

MM: And, what are we waiting for? Flunky? Where's the ring bell?

SW: Oh GOD, don't tell me there's no BELL! I thought we had some money here now? We've had a bell since, what, last year? Is this part of the old-school feel?

MM: Trey Vincent sold the bell? For what? Beer? Why? He owed Seth Harker? For what? An MST? What? This makes no sense.

SW: Trey Vincent sold OUR bell because of a bad MST? Damn, better go hide the microphones.

MM: Forget the microphones, go hide Nurse Heidi!

[Backstage: Nurse Heidi's room. Billy Polar is standing in a corner, staring blindly ahead. Nurse Heidi is dressed in a tiny black bikini! Trey Vincent walks in.]

TV: Heidi?

NH: What do YOU want?

TV: I had a great idea. Outside, there is a line of guys who are all willing to pay $100 to get a picture together with you in your bikini.

NH: $100? Wow. Great.

TV: All you gotta do is lift up your leg, look at the camera and let them put their hand on your leg. Then they'll leave and the next one will come in. It's like those porno chicks at conventions, know what I mean?

NH: Ummm. Noooo. Not at all.

TV: Sure you don't. Anyway. Let's get to it then.

[Back to ring.]

MM: Put your wallet away!

SW: Yeah GBH! You'll never make $100 in your life.

GBH: Dur.

MM: Scotty!

SW: Well, what are we gonna do to signal the start of matches.

MM: Just had to say that, didn't you?

[There is a whistling sound, as if in a cartoon and something is falling, like a bomb or something. Then…]


Crowd: OHHHH! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!

MM: Are we still on the air?

SW: Who cares?

MM: Kamikaze Ken just wiped out our announce table. And he's still down. Where did he come from?

SW: I don't know.

[Green slime suddenly falls down on Scotty.]

GBH: Hur hur hur.

SW: What the hell is going on here? Where is the match?

MM: And here they go.

SW: Can I please get a towel? Oh, screw it.

[Scotty goes into the ring and takes Dusbuster Boy's dustbuster. He begins to vacuum off the slime.]

F. Hayman: Excuse me? What do you think you're doing?

SW: I just got slimed! And I don't know why!

[Green slime suddenly falls down on Scotty.]

GBH: Hur hur hur!

SW: You can't do this on television! It makes no sense!

F. Hayman: Get him DB!

MM: And DB has gone after Scotty, in an odd turn of events. But Loony Lenny is free from his strait-jacket! And he grabs Dustbuster Boy. Sleeper hold! He's got it cinched in. Lenny showing some USELESS AGGRESSION here.

[Dustbuster revving becomes very loud as Scotty has returned to the destroyed announce position. It can't quite be made out what Mike and GBH are saying. And then it shuts off. Scotty tosses the dustbuster over his shoulder and it goes into the ring and hits Dustbuster Boy on the head.]

MM: Dustbuster Boy goes down. And Lenny lets go of that minute-long arm bar that he had locked in there. And now he's heading up top! Loony Landing! The ref makes the count. One. Two.

GBH: Free!

SW: Why did I get slimed?

MM: It must be some obscure television reference we're missing.

SW: Well, one of us should know.

GBH: Dur. I know. (He then starts waving his hand in front of his face.)

SW: Well?

GBH: Dur? Huuh?

SW: *Sigh*

[Sounds of cookie jars crashing fills The Can. Crowd pops again.]

MM: It's Hardcore JJ! He's back out to raise a little hell!

SW: The three-year-old is in the ring! And he's got a little chair with him! He sets it up right in front of Loony Lenny. Who just waits for the…..

MM: JJ DROP! Lenny is down!

SW: And now JJ's moving the chair over to Dustbuster Boy!


[Crowd is hot for all this JJ dropping.]

MM: Uh oh! F. Peter Hayman just pulled JJ off! And now he's threatening the youngster with his Styrofoam cups on a string!

SW: Lou Thesz press. And look at the little boy go! He's pounding away on Hayman.

MM: And now he's celebrating. Flunky tosses JJ a Pepsi and fans, we'll be right back!

FANS! Are you feeling lucky? Well, are ya, punk? Well someone's going to get the break of a lifetime at BOB's SEND US MONEY: A CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING! Who'll get the title shots? We don't know! Who'll end up jerking the curtain against the Rite To Suck? We couldn't say! When will it screen? We're not even going to hazard a guess! (BOB's Time, yeah?) BOB's SUM: ACWBaFT! Coming SOON!

New Age In-Laws (TransContinental Jim & Back Road Billy) vs. The Agency (Sculder & Mully)

[A guitar riff.]

TransContinental Jim: Oh you didn't know?

[Same riff.]

TCJ: My ass gonna bone your sisterrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

MM: And here comes the newest tag team to BOB.

SW: I can't believe these guys are gonna have to wrestle in that ring. Look! It's stained with Pepsi! That stuff is gonna eat through our cheap ass ring like it's a human being's stomach!

GBH: Dur. Law snoot.

MM: No kidding. Here comes TransContinental Jim and Back Road Billy.

TCJ: Cut our music.

[Eddie B. does. And then, not allowing the boys to do some sort of rant, "The X-Files (New Age Dance Remix)" kicks in and brings out Sculder and Mully.]

MA: This is a tag team match. It's the New Age Inlaws versus The Agency. No bios = screw this. (MA goes back to his seat.)

SW: Wow, somebody took his bitter pills today.

MM: Besides you?

SW: Yeah. And speaking of swallowing things, I hear Billy's sister is HOT! When's SHE gonna be my color commentator? Can I get her for the last NAGAM?

MM: I highly doubt that.

SW: I heard she was easy.

TCJ: Hey!

SW: Well, at least we got a new table during that last break.

GBH: Dur whoops.

MM: New….table?

SW: Hey, you just knocked over my lighter fluid GBH! Be careful!

MM: Lighter fluid?

[Somebody sneezes.]

SW: Aw, nuts. There goes my cigarette.

[The announce table is on fire!]

Everyone: Gulp!

Insano Mano: ENTRANTE!!!!!


Crowd: E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!

MM: And the match is underway!

SW: Man. Well, at least there's nobody left in BOB to take an insane bump like that! Both of our insane bumpers are gone for the evening, I'd dare say!

MM: Oh, Scotty!

[Scotty laughs sinisterly.]

[Backstage, Nurse Heidi and Trey Vincent are back together talking.]

NH: That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

TV: (Holding a big wad of cash.) Not at all. Not at all. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I'm gonna be selling those photos over the Internet in BOB's members only section.

NH: So?

TV: Huh?

NH: Pay me.

TV: For what?

NH: You said I'd make $100 per guy.

TV: Oh, no, no, no. I said they were willing to pay $100 for a photo and to touch your leg. I didn't say YOU would get that. As my talent, you get 10 percent. Which is….(Trey shuffles through the money and pulls out about $50.)

NH: No way! That's not even close to 10 percent! Billy! Kick his ass!

[Billy just stands in the corner, kinda rocking forward and back, forward and back, eyes dull and lifeless.]

BP: Brrrraaaiiinnnssss.

NH: Oh, Billy!

[Back to ringside.]

MM: And it's going to be Billy and Sculder to start. And Billy backs Sculder to a corner. Overhand right. Overhand right. Overhand right. Overhand right. Overhand right. Overhand right. Overhand right. Take it Scotty.

SW: Overhand right. Overhand right. Overhand right. Overhand right. Oh, movement! Billy whips Sculder to the opposite corner and MISSES an attempted body splash.

Sculder: Y'know, it's hard to explain, but I knew you were going to do that move. Much like how you're going to make a tag now.

MM: And Billy makes a tag to TransContinental Jim. And Sculder tags in Mully. They lock-up. And out of it, Jim hits a right jab. Right jab. Right jab. Right jab. Right jab. Right jab.

SW: Isn't he supposed to start dancing sometime soon?

MM: I think he missed the call.

[One minute later.]

MM: And there it is! He shakes and shimmies, but Mully blocks the overhand shot! And Mully is punching back.

[The lights in the arena suddenly go out. Then a bright spotlight shines down on Mully and Sculder. Well, OK, two lights then. Both of them stare up.]

MM: What is this?

SW: Looks like a fake alien abduction is going on.

MM: Billy and Jim have headed outside, but The Agency are staring up at the spotlight. What is going to happen next?

[Lights go out.]

MM: Oh no. Wait, I see movement in the aisle way. I can't quite make it out. In this darkness. But it looks like two figures are, leaving? Fans, I'm not sure what's going on. They appear to be running very quickly.

[The lights come back on. The Agency is missing.]

GBH: Dur, where go?

MM: I can only assume they've been abducted.

SW: But look! Behind The New Age Inlaws!

[Fans pop.]

MM: It's HARDCORE JJ! And he's got a stepladder set up! Jim turns around. JJ DROP! Billy turns around and sees JJ. JJ is heading back up the ladder. Billy comes to get him, but he gets the JJ DROP! The ref calls for a bump!

SW: Nah, we can only have bumps to start the match. Our roster isn't big enough for the luxury of two bumps per match.

MM: Point well taken.

MA: The winners of this match as a result of a count out and outside interference are The New Age Inlaws.

MM: Well, that abduction and JJ's appearance sure cost The Agency big-time, didn't it?

SW: You know it.

GBH: Mother. Ship. Dur. Phone home. Hee hee.

MM: I'm sure The Agency will want a piece of some alien ass and Hardcore JJ before they're though in BOB.

SW: Yeah, assuming we ever see them again.

Survivor Island

[Cut to "Survivor Island." The exiled members of the Jobbaz Wit Attitudez have finished the sand Trey Vincent statue, and are looking in a big crate, which must have been the food Vincent promised to send them. That was a week ago, and the food is now empty.]

Mr. X: Wait, there's something at the bottom. A piece of paper.

Dyslexic Avenger: It does what say?

Mr. X: It says, if you all want to get off the island, you have one last task to complete. You must all sports entertain in a 'Survivor' match on NAGAM. The winner will receive a shot at the AYOOYFM Hardcore Title. Currently held by Seth Harker. Until then, you don't get food. Find your own. But if you really get desperate, you know what you can do. Nothing says you ALL have to come back from the island.

The Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon: This is not a joke? I am NOT a CANNIBAL (he says raising his fingers in the air). I am NOT a CANNIBAL!

Bivalve: Well, it shouldn't be that hard to wait until Thursday, should it?

Super Mollusc: Thursday? No. But WHICH Thursday? This is BOB! It's not like shows come out when they're supposed to!

Dyslexic Avenger: A truly this is development disturbing! Vincent Trey pay must sins for his!

[Mr. X eats the note.]

B: Hey! That could've been split five ways!

MX: Could've, should've, who are we to argue over minor details like this? And what note are you speaking of?

B: The note you just ATE!

MX: I don't know what you're talking about.

B: I'm gonna kick your ass!

MX: Ass? What's an ass? What are you talking about?

[The group begins to fight each other on the sand as we fade out.]

A man squeezes a soda can and gets soda all over himself.

A woman squeezes a little stuffed animal, which laughs and then blows up, leaving her a black mess and hair sticking straight up in the air.

Voice-over: Looking for something that tastes great, is soft and chewy, never melts in your mouth and never fills you up, no matter how much you eat? You need Titters!


Kay Fabe vs. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

[Over the PA, Kay Fabe's voice is heard: IF YA SMELLLLLALALALALALALA. What the LESBIAN. Is….Cooking! "Queer" by Garbage begins to play, bringing out the Sexiest Wiccan Lesbian Sports Entertainer possessed by the spirit of a possibly dead rip-off of a sports entertainer, Kay Fabe.]

SW: Oh man! This is going to be MATCH OF THE YEAR!

MM: We are about to see Kay Fabe and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" who have been best friends since high school we're told, going at it in.

SW: This should be a shirts and skins match.

MM: Scotty!

GBH: Wheeee!

SW: Shirts optional. Hey, I don't care if she was possessed by the spirit of Abraham Lincoln and wore a big top hat and grew a beard. I'd still.

MM: Stop it.

Crowd: Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe!

MM: And she's got the microphone.

KF: (Taking off her sunglasses as she stands on the middle turnbuckle outside of the ring, looking at the chanting crowd.) Finally. Kay Fabe. Has come back……………………………………To, Hanes, Pennsylvania!

MM: The crowd is hot for Kay Fabe.

SW: So am I!

GBH: Dur, me too.

KF: Now. Sarah, it's very simple. You are going to walk down the lesbian's aisle. Walk up the lesbian's steps. Get in the lesbian's ring. And proceed to get your ass WHOOPED, by the sexiest red-headed lesbian in parody sports entertainment today!

Crowd: Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe!

KF: Kay Fabe does not give a crap why you hit Kay Fabe in the head with a chair. All she wants you do is bring your

Kay/crowd: Rooooooody pooooo, CANDY ASS!

Kay: Out here in front of the hundreds!


Kay: Of Kay Fabe's fans. Get ready. And Sarah, JUST BRING IT. IF YA SAAMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. What the lesbian……………is, cookin'.

SW: Smells like tuna!

GBH: Fishy!

[Eddie B. cranks up Garbage's "Temptation Waits" next, Sarah's theme song. And she steps out, amazingly to more cheers.]

SW: Can a hot chick REALLY be a heel? Especially here?

MM: No.

SW: Then why did she TURN heel?

MM: Hopefully, we'll find out right now. Because SARAH has a microphone! And she doesn't look like she's dressed for wrestling tonight.

SW: No. Boots with heels that high. I know something far more useful she could do tonight. All with me!

KF: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa WHOA! Kay Fabe wants to know what the meaning of not dressing up?

STJS: It's really simple Kay. I am not going to fight you tonight. I'm sorry to disappoint all my fans, but, well, The BigBOSS has writer's block again. Maybe by the next show I'll know why I hit you all with a chair.

KF: Newsflash, Sarah. The heels on your boots are bigger than YOU will ever be as a heel! Fine, if you're not going to fight the lesbian, then at least tell her WHY you hit her in the head with a steel chair so we can get a little angle development!

STJS: Well, I–

KF: IT DOESN'T MATTER, why you hit the lesbian in the head with the chair. The only thing that MATTERS, is that someday soon, I'm gonna take one of your favorite bananas.

MM: Uh oh. Get the beeper ready.


SW: Oh my GOD!

[The crowd breaks out in a HUGE Kay Fabe chant.]

STJS: Listen, I know you're upset, but since I don't want your fans not to see you in action, I'm gonna substitute my LOYAL, BOYFRIEND, Little Good!

[Little Good steps out and looks at Sarah, quite bloody confused.]

LG: You're gonna what?

STJS: Go on. Defend my honor. Did you HEAR what she said about me?

MM: And Sarah just shoved him. Little Good obviously isn't the one wearing the pants in this relationship.

SW: Maybe if he got that chip out of his head.

MM: Uh, wrong show. He doesn't have a chip in his head.

SW: Oh. I thought that's why he sucked. Isn't that why he can't win any matches?

MM: I thought it was his awful promos. But what do I know?

GBH: Shoot!

MM: And the, fight is on! Little Good trying to show some USELESS AGGRESSION, but he walks right into Kay's Bottom!

SW: Oh, baby, I wish I could do that!

MM: The MOVE, not the body part.

SW: I stand by my statement. Now, what is she doing? Little Good is down and out.

MM: I heard a rumor about this. Kay Fabe this morning is going to debut what she calls the sexiest move in parody sports entertainment today. The Lesbian's Tongue!

SW: (Tips over in his chair.)

MM: Are you OK?

SW: …

MM: GBH, give him some mouth to mouth.

GBH: Dur. OK.

MM: back in the ring, Kay Fabe bounces off the ropes, hops over Little Good and bounces off the other side of the ring. And here she comes. She gets down on the mat and….SHOVES HER TONGUE INTO LITTLE GOOD'S MOUTH!

SW: Get off of me! I'm OK. Did I miss anything?

MM: You just missed Kay Fabe shove her tongue into Little Good's mouth!

SW: That's the Lesbian's Tongue?

MM: It is.

SW: Damn it all to hell. I think I'm gonna challenge her to a match of NAGAM!

MM: The crowd is going nuts. But Kay Fabe is staring up at Sarah, who is applauding? This is so confusing.

SW: Will somebody get our writer some alcohol? This is the worst heel turn since Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania a couple years ago when he turned on The Rock!

KF: Scotty Whatbody, what in the BLUE HELL did you just say?

SW: Umm. Nothing.

KF: Kay Fabe says you better KNOW YOUR ROLE and SHUT, your MOUTH!

Hostile Takeover

[Backstage. Billy Polar's room. Nurse Heidi is not there now. Trey Vincent, Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker come into the room. Billy is still standing in place, still, just rocking back and forth, swaying with some sort of non-existent breeze.]

SS: Jerkweed. We got some papers you to sign. Or else, you are gonna pay, and pay bad later.

BP: (Mumbling) Argh. Harvard. Argh. Damn. Argh. It. Brains!

SH: Gonna play hardball, then Polar, huh?

SS: It's real simple you f*** knuckled bastard. If you don't sign over your 33 1/3 of booking control to us, you are going to learn the real meaning of the word 'hell' when we that match of yours with The Geek happens. Ya dig?

TV: Yeah. Get it, Polar?

[Trey extends the papers and a pen to Polar, who just stands there.]

BP: Bill. Argh. Brains. Polar. Argh. Damn. Argh. It!

TV: Huddle up boys.

[The iAd huddles up and whisper some devious ideas between each other. Seth pipes up with a "Shut up you bastard" to Trey. Some serious tension there for some reason. "No amount of beer will make up for that MST (he turns to the camera) that will air NEXT week, on this channel at this same time!" His cheap plug over, they go back to planning. Then they clap hands and all yell "break."

The iAd approaches Billy. Seth bends over and Studnuts drags Polar toward Seth. He shoves the pen into Polar's hand and forcefully closes the hand around the pen. Vincent holds the legal paper on Seth's back and Studs begins to forge the signature, when…]

Nurse Heidi: HEY! Get away from him!

TV: Missed it by that much (he says putting his index finger and thumb millimeters apart).

SS: Hey, if you got nothing better to do, why don't you bend over. I'm bored. Your boyfriend's a zombie. What ya got to lose, other than your dignity?

[Heidi comes over and slaps Studnuts.]

SS: Uh oh. That.

[Then Nurse Heidi gets down and puts a clawhold on Studnuts' nuts!]

NH: Everyone get out of here now, or they're just gonna have to call you Steve Stud from now on.

[The iAd slowly retreats.]

NH: And THAT….is a FACT!

SS: (In a high-pitched, yet soft voice) Bitch!

[She lets go of his nuts and he backs off.]

SH: You just made the second biggest mistake of your life Heidi. The first, obviously working for BOB.

Pain & Pleasure (Jean Bannister & Sir Hungalot) vs. Kent State Krew (Brandon "Bitch Smacker" and Jim "Totally Packaged") vs. Violent Pacifist & Josh "Massive Man"

MM: Oh my. What happenings backstage!

SW: Yeah! What's next, Mike?

MM: Let us HEAD to the RING!

SW: Generic enough?

MM: I hope so. We really need to get monitors out here.

MA: The following is a so-called Don't Ever F*** With TV Again! Match. In this match, the Four-Play Tag Team Titles will be on the line, as will the Swiss Army Title. Introducing first, the team without any titles. Jean Bannister and Sir Hungalot. Pain and Pleasure!

[Eddie B. puts on "Rock 'n' Roll Part 2" as Jean Bannister steps out, followed by Sir Hungalot. They head to the ring and get inside. The crowd chants along with every "HEY!"]

MA: And team number two. They are the reigning, defending Four-Play Tag Team Champions. They are Brandon and Jim, the Kent, State KREW!

[High-pitched squealing nearly shorts out the BOB sound system, and we can't even hear what theme song the boys come out to this week. A gaggle of pre-pre-preteen girls runs up to the guardrail nearest the boys, all screaming, pulling their hair, clutching their chests and crying. The boys smile at the girls and one of them faints. They follow them all the way up the aisle, still causing a loud whine of sorts that is just brutal to the ears. Until the song died off and "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails began to bang and hiss.]

SW: My ears. My ears. I don't endorse the hurting of little girls, but can't we at least mute them somehow? That was brutal!

MM: That would take high-tech equipment. Still can't get that budgeted. We're gonna have to ask for a meeting.

GBH: Yur.

MM: Good to see you're still with us, GBH!

GBH: Yur.

MA: And the co-holders of the Swiss Army Title. Violent Pacifist and Josh "Massive Man"!

MM: Well, this should be quite an entertaining match.

SW: I guess.

MM: A triple threat tag match for the tag titles and the Swiss Army belt. One pin to win. If a champion loses, the team that gets the pin, wins whatever title the loser had. The boys are standing around.

SW: Waiting for the bump. I guess.

MM: And they're getting into it in the ring. Brandon shoves Hungalot! Bannister shoves Jim! Oh my, Violent Pacifist just shoved Josh!

Josh: Hey, I'm your PARTNER!

VP: Aw, damn. This is so confusing. Sorry, I was out of people to shove!

Jim: This is all the iAd's fault.

Brandon: Screw the iAd!

SH: What's the matter? Afraid you'll lose to us?

JB: We are the greatest tag champs ever!

Brandon: Yeah, your momma.

MM: And now Totally Face is shoving at each other. Totally Face is totally falling apart!

SW: Is the band going to break up? Is this what they mean by creative differences?

Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie…

[Sounds of cookie jars breaking as JJ enters the arena.]

MM: Oh my! Hardcore JJ is back out again. He hits the ring (the ring no-sells it) and does the walk to all four corners like before. No useless card padding here! He gets a microphone.

JJ: I told ya silly bastards that I decide when I decide. Well I made A D-ecision. Look at ya. I said look at ya. Fighting each other when you should be fighting the iAd! You make me sick! You're pathetic! So you know what I say? Screw the iAd!

[Crowd pops!]

JJ: I say Totally Face should be fighting the summabitches in the iAd! Not each other.

Crowd: What?

JJ: I said not each other! So if ya really wanna screw the iAd, Hardcore JJ is gonna solve your problem!


SW: And here come MORE Pepsi's!

MM: Hardcore JJ has left everyone in Totally Face laying. So I guess we're not going to have ourselves a match. Figures, doesn't it?

SW: Why would BOB deliver an entertaining match? For free no less?

Trey Vincent vs. ??

[Backstage with the iAd.]

SH: Are you ready, Trey?

TV: Yes (he says nervously). But you guys are gonna watch my back right?

SS: I will, but I'm not so sure about Seth.

SH: *Ahem.*

TV: I need us to all be on the same page. This is the biggest test since I've been in BOB. Hell, he's not even from BOB. This goes all the way back to jOlt!

SS: C'mon Seth.

SH: Sorry Trey. I'm afraid, until you redeem yourself, you are on your own tonight.

[Harker walks out of the room.]

SS: (He holds up his sling.) Well, come to think of it. See ya!

[Studnuts leaves. After a pause, Vincent gulps.]

MM: jOlt? Don't tell me MORE professional wrestlers are coming to BOB.

SW: Well, this should only be a one-night deal. I still can't figure out why the iAd is still here in BOB.

MM: Well, they are champions now. But we're ready.

MA: The following contest is for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

[Crowd pops.]

[Eddie B. puts on "All Hail The New Flesh" by Strapping Young Lad, which brings out the Sports Entertainment Icon, Trey Vincent.]


[Trey walks down the aisle, looking around, pausing every so often to yell at a fan. He gets in the ring and drops the title at the feet of the Generic Ref. The ref goes to pick it up, and Vincent kicks him in the butt!]

SW: And now a wedgie? What the hell?

GBH: Skidmark hee hee.

[After the music dies down, there is a pause as everyone waits to see "the longtime nemesis" of Trey Vincent. The only clue was jOlt.

SW: Who could it be?

MM: I have no idea. I don't follow any feds besides BOB.

["Payback" by Flaw begins to play.]

MM: OH NO! It can't be! LANCE KNIGHT is in BOB!

SW: I thought you didn't follow other feds? Oh, I see. (Sound of a page turning). LANCE KNIGHT! The man who was last in the fWo! The greatest efed since the dawn of time in many people's eyes! And NO, I didn't send Travis an application.

MM: Travis? Travis who?

GBH: Lance is short and shiny!

SW: He's what?

MM: GBH is right!

SW: He's what?

MM: Look at the entryway! It's a shortish man in a suit of armor! And look at Vincent yucking it up in the ring.

TV: Bring it on!

MA: And the mystery opponent. Fresh off the unemployment line. Here is Lance The Knight!

[TV grabs the mic.]

TV: Finally, after months and months of you hiding from Trey Vincent, it's TIME. TO. PAY! Go hide in your silly little fWo. Well look at you now!

[Lance stumbles down to the ring and struggles with the steps. His legs are very stiff and robot-like, being, made of steel.]

TV: C'mon you charisma-deficient, poor excuse for a sports entertainer! This is where Lance The Knight truly belongs. In gimmick hell. Since you have no gimmick. Though this suit of armor is a nice twist. Finally, showing some personality, eh?

[Lance does the stop, drop and roll Lenny used earlier in the morning to get in the ring.]

SW: Isn't that Sleazy-C?

MM: I think it is! Oh, so this is just some make fun of a real wrestler with a smaller guy bit?

SW: Looks like it.

MM: Would we expect anything else from the iAd?

SW: Here? No. They love putting out crappy angles here. Just look at this whole show! And wait til you see what happens in our "main event."

TV: So, Lance. Last time we were together, all I could was you running from the truth. About your past. And about your inadequacies. Both in and out of the ring. So why don't you wow everyone in BOB with one of your great interviews.

[Vincent hands Lance the mic.]

LTK: Hello. I am not an entertainer. I am a wrestler. I am not a robot. I am a human being. I do not appreciate you pointing out my character flaws. I do not appreciate you telling everyone I am boring. Because I am not boring. I am not boring. And that is all I have to say to you Mr. Vincent. Thank you.

TV: What about your catchphrase?

LTK: My what?

TV: Your catchphrase.

LTK: That does not compute. Error. Error.

TV: Why did you run from me in jOlt?

LTK: Because I knew you would embarrass me in the ring. And you would take away my only talent. Wrestling. When you beat me with ease. Because I am a wrestler. And I am boring. And nobody is as good as Trey Vincent.

[The crowd boos.]

TV: What's the matter? Do you people actually know who this Lance Knight loser is? The only thing stiffer than this knight suit was Lance Knight! Bwahahaha. Well fine. For all you idiots here who like Lance and his precious fWo, which can KISS MY NUTS, we're going to stage what WOULD have happened if Lance wasn't such a scared little girly man! Screw it, we don't need a bell.

MM: And, the "match" is on. Vincent clotheslines Lance to the mat.

SW: I think he's found a chink in his armor!

MM: Oh, my! That was bad.

SW: Did I mention, Sleazy-C is part Chinese?

MM: Stop it! You're gonna get us throw off TV AND the Internet!

SW: I'm a parody outlaw among outlaws! (Puts feet up on table, but, since there is no table, his feet end up back on the floor with a crash.) Oops.

GBH: Hur hur hur!

MM: And Vincent is about ready for the Big Time Fist Drop! He bounces off one side of the ring. The opposite side of the ring. The third side of the ring. And the fourth side of the ring. Vincent is about to hit the move, but before he does, he takes out a piece of paper from his shorts and unfolds it. He opens it up and points it to the camera.

[The sign says fWo.]

MM: He opens the face mask and puts the paper down on Knight's head. And then he drops the Big Time Fist Drop! Cover! One. Two. Three! Vincent with a "win" in his "title defense."

TV: Hey Mike. Enough "sarcasm." Or I'll "fire" you. "Got it?"

MM: Um. Yes.

TV: Now, some of you people have no clue what the fWo is. Well, let me tell you what that idiot Lance Knight did. I don't know if he's still there or not, because they're "closed" right now. And the real roster is a big secret. But. The fWo had Trey Vincent black-listed. Trey Vincent was labeled TOO OUTRAGEOUS for the almighty fWo. They don't want anyone with an opinion? They don't want anyone who has real talent? They don't want a bonafide star? They wanna listen to a gimmickless blunder and keep out someone who can bring some interest back to their pathetic little federation who nobody even TALKS about anymore? Fine. LICK MY NUTS. I am the greatest sports entertainer of all damn time. And if you don't take my word for it, just ask Trey Vincent. He'll tell you how good he is.

TV: So, to Lance Knight. Wherever you are. If by chance you see this. I want you to know something. Someday, I'm gonna get you and expose you for what you really are. No, everyone knows about how badly you suck on the mic. I'm talking about the REAL you. The things you have hidden. Come to me. Or I'll come for you. Even if I have to break in to the precious federation that employs you. I'm calling you out Lance. Any time. Any place. You want some of this? I'm not a hard man to find. I'll make sure to log on to the Lance Knight Web site, and see if you've posted a reply.

Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie…

[Sounds of cookie jars breaking as JJ enters the arena. He stomps to the ring and snatches the mic from Vincent!]

JJ: Are you done? What? I said are you done? I'm sick to death of hearing you flappin' your gums about Lance Knight. What is this crap? Why don't you put your little title on the line against Hardcore JJ?

[Crowd pops.]

JJ: If ya wanna see Hardcore JJ open a can of whoop ass on Gay Vincest, gimme a HELL YEAH!



SW: Vincent looked like he was going to grab JJ, but JJ seized the advantage, and now he's celebrating with more Pepsi's. Somebody's gonna have a full diaper in a little while.

GBH: Dur, cramps!

MM: That too. Why are you making so much sense?

GBH: Dur. Hand movey?

MM: Uh oh. Vincent is back up.


[TEAM SECURITY trots down to the ring.]

TV: I want that toddler arrested!

MM: The crowd is pissed!

SW: And rightly so.

MM: The security team has surrounded the toddler! And they've got him face down on the mat! His hands behind his back. And they've handcuffed him! Just when you think you've seen every stupid thing you thought you could see here.

SW: I know. A three-year-old Stone Cold rip-off getting arrested. Whoda thunkit?

MM: And security has the cuffed boy rolled out onto the floor. JJ's looking at the camera. What's he gonna say?

JJ: I ain't through with ya Vincest. Not by a LONG shot!

[Vincent stares at the mob as we fade out.]

FANS! Are you feeling lucky? Well, are ya, punk? Well someone's going to get the break of a lifetime at BOB's SEND US MONEY: A CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING! Who'll get the title shots? We don't know! Who'll end up jerking the curtain against the Rite To Suck? We couldn't say! When will it screen? We're not even going to hazard a guess! (BOB's Time, yeah?) BOB's SUM: ACWBaFT! Coming SOON!

Kurt Angel vs. Bohemoth

SW: The Rite To Suk? Aren't they the J.W.A. now?

MM: Cutting costs on production. That's an old ad.

SW: You don't say.

[Kurt Angel's music begins playing. He walks down the aisle as Masked Announcer introduces him.]

MA: The winner of the next match will get a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS on NAGAM! Introducing first, he's been tossed out of Heaven and now he's in Hell, and he can't get out until he wins the title, please welcome, Kurt Angel!

Crowd: You suck! You suck! You suck! You suck!

MM: Kurt Angel wants a shot at Trey Vincent after what happened at Wrestlestarrmaniacade.

SW: Yeah, things got a little nasty between the boys. Lemonade became a huge part of their feud.

[Outside, JJ is being loaded into a cop car!]

Officer: Do we have a booster seat for the kid?

JJ: Let me go you summabitches!

TV: Have fun in jail, JJ! Screw you JJ! Screw you!

JJ: Screw you Vincest. I'm gonna get ya!

[Back to ringside.]

MA: And his opponent, weighing in a lot of pounds, he is Bohemoth!

[Bohemoth waddles down to the ring.]

MM: And Angel is not waiting for the bump to get this thing going.

GBH: Dur, why so hot?

SW: Hey, why is that pool of lava there?

[Camera cuts to where the announce table should be. Instead, there is a small wading pool filled with hot orange lava! (Or perhaps water with some orange light underneath, we're not going to wager a guess!)]

MM: No, THAT is lava!

SW: How did we get lava, yet we can't get monitors?

Unoriginal Man (voice): ENTRANTE!!!!!

SW: Hey. He's ripping off Insano Mano's entrance!


UM: (After getting out of the lava, still smoking). Whatever. I'm (doing thumb points) Un Original Man!

Crowd: U-O-M! U-O-M!

UM: Live for the moment! I'll make me famous! Gotta go now, it's true, it's true.

[He runs up the aisle.]

MM: And Angel is punching Bohemoth. Punch. Punch. He tries an Irish whip, but then resorts to more punches. Bohemoth responds with a head butt! And Angel goes down. Bohemoth heads up top! Split-legged moonsault! OH MY!

SW: What the hell?

MM: One, two, Angel kicks out.

GBH: Doobie doobie doooo.

MM: And Angel blasts away on Bohemoth. He hits one German suplex.

Crowd: What?

MM: Two German suplexes.

Crowd: What?

SW: This is impossible.

MM: And a third German suplex!

SW: Mike?

MM: Heavenly Slam! Heavenly Slam!

SW: Mike? GBH, I think Mike's gone insane. Kurt is still punching Bohemoth.

MM: Oh, and Kurt's got the Angel-lock on! Will Bohemoth tap? NO! Bohemoth kicks free and heads up top. SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!!!!

SW: Mike! Come back to us buddy! Bohemoth is too fat to do these top rope moves! And Angle can't lift up Bohemoth! Even if he is an Olympic hero.

MM: Cover! One, two, thr-no, he didn't get him there.

SW: *Sigh.*

GBH: Mike dun insane? Hands!

SW: Yes, GBH. Mike is insane.

MM: Angel with a huricanrana!

SW: A punch.

MM: And Angel with a Vertebraker! WHAT USELESS AGGRESSION! Oh man. No way Bohemoth will kick out from that. But he does! And now Bohemoth with a springboard dropkick!

SW: Yoink. I got his cord off. Finally. We'll let Mike live in his delusional world for a little while. I think all the punches Angel has thrown has hypnotized Mike somehow. Anyway, oh, finally, Angel DOES have the Angel-lock locked on! Will Bohemoth tap.

MM: …suicida plancha…

SW: OK. This is just weird. Hey? Why is Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" out here? And she's got a hoagie! Look, she's holding it out toward Bohemoth!

GBH: Tappy tappy.

SW: Why did Sarah help Angel? Could it be the long awaited Sarah/Angel romance?

[Little Good runs down to the ring.]

LG: Hey! What's this?

STJS: No big.

[She walks to the back, followed by Little Good.]

MA: The winner of the match and now number one contender, Kurt Angel!

MM: What a five-star match, eh Scotty? Never thought I'd see a 780 splash from Bohemoth.

SW: Yeah, Mike. Um. We may have to take away your announcing duties again. You're scaring me.

MM: Why? What's wrong?

SW: Is Mark Shill in the building?

MM: The building? No. No he's not.

SW: What does THAT mean?

MM: Nothing. Nothing at all. Steal my spot, no he won't. Hmm hmm hmm.

GBH: Mike, dur, insane. Dur. Hands!

Billy Polar vs. The Geek

MA: It's time for our Double Jobberdy match. Introducing first, from Harvard, damn it, Billy Polar.

[Nurse Heidi comes out with him and nudges him along when he stops. Now his arms are extended outward.]

SW: Yup. Billy is in full zombie mode now, except for the movement. Hmm.

MM: Well, I don't know what kind of match this is, but it should be entertaining!

SW: Oh, so that's what did it, huh? The stress of not seeing a Totally Face match?

MM: What did what?

GBH: Dur, whut?

MA: And his opponent. The Geek!]

[The Geek walks to the ring.]

MM: On second thought, on a normal day, this might resemble a match. But this is like the dead and the dying here.

Mr. Intensity (voice) You want INTENSITY? I got your INTENSITY RIGHT HERE!

MM: It's Mr. Intensity! He's spraying himself with lighter fluid! And there's the match!

SW: And he's just set himself on fire! What is he doing! He dives! Oh no, not into the crowd!

MM: He just landed in a beer cup on the floor!

SW: And he didn't quite fit.

GBH: Bump.

Crowd: E-C-Dub, E-C-Dub!

MM: Oh, it's a good thing that fan had a fire extinguisher in his pants.

SW: Umm. Yeah. Fire extinguisher. Anyway.

[Before the match can begin, The Right Time by the Hoodoo Gurus brings out "The Darksider" Seth Harker. And after a few seconds of that, Korn's "Divine" plays without any bells or whistles and out walks Steve Studnuts.]

MM: Uh oh. Is this some sort of pay back?

SW: I would imagine so.

MM: And they've got black bats. This can't be good.

MM: The incurable Apathy disorder members have hit the ring and they're punking out both men with their bats. Seth is taking care of Polar, which wasn't much work, and Studnuts, HEY, his arm is out of the sling and he's pounding The Geek!

SW: Well, I guess we found out how both men will lose. They have to face Seth Harker and Steve Studnuts. So I guess it is possible under iAd rules for two people to job at the same time in the same place on the same morning!

MM: Both bodies are stacked up! Studnuts and Harker each put one foot on the pile. The Generic Ref counts. One. Two. Three.

MA: And the losers of the match, Billy Polar and The Geek. Meaning, the winners, are Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker!

MM: Was that supposed to be funny?

SW: It was to the iAd! They're laughing it up. And they're still not done with Billy. But here comes Heidi! Is she insane?

MM: Oh this is just WRONG. They've got Heidi! And Seth has some scissors! OH NO. They CUT OFF A STRAND OF HER HAIR!

NH: NOOOOOO! OH god, I'm ugly, I'm ugly. You've disfigured me! Bastards!

MM: And look at Studnuts and Harker just laughing at her. This is awful. Let's get out of this awful scene.

FANS! Are you feeling deja vu? Well, are ya, punk? Well someone's going to get the break of a lifetime at BOB's SEND US MONEY: A CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING! Who'll get the title shots? We don't know! Who'll end up jerking the curtain against the Rite To Suck? We couldn't say! When will it screen? We're not even going to hazard a guess! (BOB's Time, yeah?) BOB's SUM: ACWBaFT! Coming SOON! (Hype not included).

Luke Warm vs. The Undietaker

MM: Well I'll be damned. Luke Warm is already in the ring!

SW: Uh oh. I smell a squash. But on Luke Warm? No way. He's a legend here. He'd never get squashed.

GBH: Squash. Hur hur.

MM: It appears the writing's on the wall.

[Camera goes to a wall backstage. It reads: Luke Warm is gonna get squashed tonight.]

SW: Right you are. Oh well.

[Eddie B. cranks up "Undies" by Limp Bizkit, which brings out, the Undietaker!]

MM: He's here!

SW: Gee, where's his motorcycle? If he peeled out, he could leave a skidmark! Bwahahaha.

MM: You're a laugh riot.

MA: The following match is the "main event" of this "television show." Introducing first, coming to the ring, accompanied by his handis, Khan and Randy, this is the….UNDIE-taker. And his opponent is already in the ring, foreshadowing defeat, aka, the jobber treatment, he is LUKE, WARM!!

[Crowd pops like trained monkeys. OOK OOK!]

[Mike, Scotty and GBH look around to see if anybody else is about ready to take a dive. As they are doing so, "Creepy pipe organ music with some keyboard action" begins to play.

SW: Oh no!

MM: Oh yes! That can only mean one thing! The REAL Undietaker is HERE!

SW: No. Isn't this the music of "The Real" Undietaker?

MM: Well, I'm not sure. Our Web site lists this music as the REAL theme music of the REAL Undietaker!

SW: Yeah, but your REAL Undietaker didn't promo and "The Real" Undietaker did promo! So which one promoed?

GBH: Dur. Whaaa?

MM: Look! It's a GIANT APPLE.

SW: A what?

MM: A man in a giant apple suit is walking down the aisle. And here come GIANT GRAPES!

SW: And a giant orange? What is this? Revenge of the Fruit of the Looms?

MM: And here comes a banana! Wow! I've never seen such a big banana in my life!


Sarah: Neither have I. Humina, humina, humina.

[Back to ring.]


SW: But which one is it? Which one!

MM: What a spectacular entrance. That's pay-per-view worthy!

GBH: 'Kay.

SW: Bwahaha ha. Classic, GBH, classic.

GBH: Yur. Classix. Me host. Duh.

MM: No time for cheap plugs, both Undietakers are face to face. And Luke Warm is watching this all, not really giving a damn since he's not involved!

Undietaker 2: I am "THE REAL" UNDIETAKER!

Undietaker 1: No, I am THE REAL UNDIETAKER. I don't need your little quotes to prove it either.

U2: You best not still be in my lawn.

U1: This is my lawn and my ring. I am the man who should beat Luke Warm since he didn't promo.

U2: No, I am the man who should beat Luke Warm since he didn't promo.

[Kay Fabe runs out.]

KF: Kay Fabe says THIS dialogue did NOT just happen! You have to win the match based on ABILITY. OK, well, ability is TOO strong of a word for all the rooody poo candy asses here. Promos don't matter. Just look at how empty the Rant Zone is all the time! If ya smelllllllllllllllll, what the lesbian…….is cooking.

SW: And there she goes.

[Luke Warm grabs the mic.]

LW: You know what?

Crowd: What?

LW: Screw this! I don't like the direction this match is going in. I'm gonna go home and beat my wife!

MM: And with that, Luke Warm is rolling out of the ring and leaving! He's walked out on BOB! My heart is breaking with every step he takes!

SW: So, the Undietaker won. But which one won?

MM: I don't know. I'm too broken up about Luke Warm leaving BOB.

[Camera cuts backstage.]

Little Good: You're broken up? I can't even get a bleedin' match in this pisshole.

[Death walks into the room.]

LG: Let me guess. NAGAM. You, me, a match, huh? Is that how it's gonna be?

Death: Was it that obvious?

LG: A little bit, yeah. The whole, timing thing and all. Death match?

Death: Well, yeah. Every match I'm in is a Death match.

LG: Yeah. Guess so. Right. Well. Bugger off then.

[Back to ring.]

[The lights go out.]

GBH: Ahh!

SW: Get off my lap! Mmmmpphhhhm. Mpppppffffhhhh.

MM: What's going on over there?

SW: Mmmpphfffhhhhhh!

[There are two bangs in the ring, as if two people fell down. Then the lights come back on.]

MM: Both Undietakers are down! And, what's this! There's a third man in the ring. Once my eyes adjust to this harsh light, my excitement no doubt will be off the charts.

SW: You ever tell anyone what happened just now.

GBH: Dur. Our little secret. Hee hee.

MM: Hey! It's BVD! BVD has taken out the Undietakers!

SW: Who the hell is BVD?

Crowd: BVD! BVD! BVD!

MM: Apparently, he is some sort of local independent favorite here. Not to be confused with RVD.

SW: No, of COURSE not.


[BVD has a microphone.]

BVD: So you two guys like stealing undies, huh? Well BVD 9:56 says it's time to take a sh**!

[Crowd pops! BVD leaves, presumably, to go, do, what, he said he has to do.]

Crowd: BVD! BVD!

["Her Strut" by Bob Seger plays.]

MM: Fans, we're out of time, and I'm sure you're out of patience. For Scotty Whatbody and GBH, I'm Mike Monroe, from the last ever Monday Morning Mayhem. So long everyone!

© 2002 BOB Wrestling! Do you sense the most f*cked up bra and panties match ever?

Chapters Main Menu

Brawlers On A Budget

Monday Morning Mayhem 18

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