Brawlers On A Budget
 

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Leary: Hello and welcome gentle viewers. You are about to hear all the dirty little secrets of BOB's torrid past. Brought to you by the masterminds themselves. Guess we should start with the introductions. Myself, John Leary. Along with....

Skeeter: Steve "Skeeter" Skeet, creator and owner of BOB.

Leary: And we'll be with you, trying to keep the boredom and philosophy to a minimum as we try this "commentary" thing here. Since we're both so entertained by the commentary features on DVDs. Hey, why not rip off something else here, right?

Skeeter: Too true. As you'll see as we progress through four years of shows, we've pretty much stolen from every one else. Including ourselves.

Leary: And here is the show that began it all, Monday Morning Mayhem 1. The first BOB show ever. Now Steve, since I wasn't around yet in the insanity of BOB, I always did wonder what inspired you to start up this little federation?

Skeeter: Uhh, let's see. Boredom? Hard drugs? A combination of both?

Leary: *Laugh*

Skeeter: Actually, I was part of the Stereotype Wrestling Federation, a parody e-fed run by Desmond Clivio, a Canadian. I tried my hand at writing a couple of cards for him, then agreed to do one show for the Whatever Wrestling Federation as well. That lead to me becoming pretty much the sole WWF writer, which finally inspired me to try my own fed. I expected to close in a month or two. Four years later...

Leary: Like a cockroach....BOB scurries on...

Skeeter: Yep, after the Bomb drops I'll still be churning out cards... I really went solely into BOB after both the STWF and WWF closed their doors. Eventually I was pretty much the only parody e-fed left. Leader in a field of one!

Leary: Well, enough history. Let's watch some old stuff!

Skeeter: Roll 'em!

MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM!

It's All Downhill From Here!

We pan the interior of the YMCA Gym in Havoc, West Virginia. The sound of fireworks and massive applause fills the room, although it does appear to be coming from a man holding a tape-recorder next to a microphone. A "crowd" of about 75 is in attendance. We pan around randomly for a mimute or two, then pick up the announce table.

Skeeter: That's a very telling tagline, that... *laugh* BOB had it's ups and downs, but I was definitely in my stride in the first year. This woud have been early November of 1999, if my weblogs are to be believed. There's also three "firsts" in that intro. The first appearance of The Flunky, the first mention of "Havoc, West Virginia", which doesn't exist, of course... and my first on-screen typo!

Leary: *Laugh* I assume the BOB name was your idea. How did the Brawlers On a Budget name come about?

Skeeter: Yikes, good question. I think I was aiming my fed to be one that was trying to emulate the STWF, which was still running... but with no cash or decent talent. plus, I loved having an acronym that actually spelt something. Made it sound friendly, you know. Even though it actually spells "BOaB".

Leary: Indeed. I remember some PPV logo had the "a" crossed out. And it definitely set this fed apart instead of having another WWFWCWECW combo.

Skeeter: I always found myself calling the "WWF" I wrote for the W(hatever)Wwrestling Fed... so any name with no W's was going to be a good one.

MM: Good morning everyone, and WELCOME! To MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM! I'm your host, Mike "The Monotone" Monroe! Also with me, the cranially-challenged commentator, the 400-pounder with the brain of a flounder, GBH!

GBH: Huuh?

Skeeter: All right... the first BOb announcer team. I chose "The Monotone" after the vocal stylings of Sean Moony. A friend of mine and I called him Sean "The Monotone" Moony back when we watched WWF in the 80's. So there you go, Sean. Your BOB immortality is ensured.

Leary: And GBH, dare I ask where he came from?

Skeeter: Well he's a combination, really. The name came from a character in "Ace Trucking Co.", a comic strip in 2000AD, which I used to read as a kid. The "Huge, idiotic guy" was a Loony Toons thing, really. The big guy (Usually called "Rocky" or "Mugsy") who played the heavy in Bugs Bunny cartoons. I always envisioned GBh as a huge guy wearing a tiny little bowler hat. And can I just say I still find the "400-pounder, brain of a flounder' line funny...

MM: Nice to have you here, GBH!

GBH: Whut? What's dis? Uh?

MM: And alongside him, our special guest commentator... former Whatever Wrestling Federation mainstay.. SCOTTY WHATBODY!

SW: Thank you! Great to be in a federation that pays me even LESS than the WWF did! My career is looking good now!

Skeeter: Aaaah, Scotty. I can't claim credit for him. Chalk him up to marty, who ran the Whatever Wrestling Fed. He was probably more heel-ish and slightly less sleazy back then, though.

Leary: Yep. When J took Scotty over, Scotty veered into Lawler-land. And I may have taken Scotty into Andrew Dice Clay land a few times.

Skeeter: *laugh* A FEW times? You underestimate yourself, my friend. But he was too good a character to dump when the WWF folded.

MM: Well, look who's Mr Sarcasm!

SW: That's my gimmick, Mike...

Leary: And BOB's first breaking of kayfabe, I believe...

Skeeter: Yep... It's true, tough. Right there on Scottys' resume... "Sarcasm and Smuttyness".

MM: Anyway, our fans are looking jacked! Most of our audience are regulars from "Yahoo Chat Pro Wrestling" we invited specially, so they should be right into this!

Cut to a crowd shot. Fully 50 percent of the fans are carrying signs that read "Hi BOB!". One 12-year-old's sign reads:

"YOU ALL SUCK. YOU ALL SUCK. YOU ALL.. *click*..Ignored."

Skeeter: And that's a shoot, brother. I was heavily into Yahoo Chat at the time, and quite frankly... it's full of fucking idiots. ESPECIALLY in the wrestling rooms. I hung out in the Trivia rooms most of the time... less idiots, only the ones that were there were REAL fucking idiots.

Leary: Ahh, the wrestling "smarts" who thought they were cool because they knew everything.

Skeeter: Yep. And by the way, the "Hi BOB" signs refer to a Bob Newhart themed drinking game called... "Hi Bob!".

Well, as the lights dim, here comes The BigBOSS, to do the "Swiss Army" Belt draw! Our first title to be decided right here!

Leary: And here is probably MY first error of reformatting all the old shows. Back in the day the results all went up in different fonts instead of script form. I assume Mike probably said that...

Skeeter: I'd guess so. Those fony colour were a pain in the ass, I tell you. I literally learnt HTML by stealing it off other peoples sites, so I would ALWAYS have invisible lines, and whole sections in blue after forgetting to close a tag.

Leary: The BOB version 1 site was quite a, uh, masterpiece.

Skeeter: *laugh* Yeah, fuck you. *laugh* I DID like my Photoshopped picture of Lance Storm, though. Massive Storm mark, right here!

Leary: I'll give that site credit. It really did fit the low-budget federation style. It drove my eyes crazy, but, on some level it worked. Plus the lovely Geocities pop-up ads. Nothing says "low budget" more than a Geocities or Angelfire site.

Skeeter: I even mentioned on the site and apologised. Could you tell all the gifs and jpgs were home-made?

("Taking Care of Business" by Bachmann Turner Overdrive plays as The BigBOSS enters the arena. He appears to be 5'2", but this is deceptive.. he's wearing lifts. His personal valet, Miss Behave is on his arm, and his three hulking bodyguards Lock, Shock and Barry are behind him. He enters the ring. His bodyguards flank him.)

Skeeter: I still like "Taking Care of Business". Cool song. The BOSS is meant to be a caricature of me, but I'm actually 5'7"...

Leary: I like the 5-2 bit. Totally not Vince McMahon right there. And Skeeter's first hint of "Austin Powers" references with his valet.

Skeeter: Yep, kind of. I like bad puns, so she was sure to end up with "Miss D'Meanour", or something similar. The bodyguards names are pretty obvious parodies of 'lock, stock and barrel", although "Barry" is a VERY stereotyped name in New Zealand comedy. He's alway the stupidist guy in the sketch.

Skeeter: Mainly because saying "Barry" with a Kiwi accent sounds incredibly funny. "Aw, geez, Barrrrrry!"

The BigBOSS: (Just audibly) Could you three move back, please! I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well!

Leary: *Laugh*

Skeeter: My first piece of stolen comedy. that line is lifted verbatim from "Time Bandits". In fact, I'm dreading how many "homages" I'll have to admit to in the course of these commentaries..

Leary: We'll have to rate the sets No Lawyers Allowed.

Skeeter: Oh, yeah. Oh, and if you haven't guessed, these commentaries are rated "R' for languaghe. Beacause i say "fuck' a lot.

Leary: He does. It's true. I blush sometimes.

(Lock, Shock and Barry take a step back.)

BB: Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen.. WELCOME TO BOB!

...

Skeeter: Wait for pop. Annnnd. Nothing. I wanted a real "indy" feel to the first cards. I mean, how many shithouse e-feds have we MSTed that involved 60, 000 seat venues for indy-like feds?

Leary: There must be 10,000 successful crap e-feds performing to sold out crowds. And that's just on Saturday.

Skeeter: *laugh*

BB: Thank you for that large round of indifference! I'm here at this time to draw a name from the Big Barrel and crown our first ever "Swiss Ar..".. what is it?

Lock: We sold the Big Barrel.. sorry.

Skeeter: The Swiss Army Belt... I can't remember how I came up with it, but I loved the idea of a belt with hundreds of useful tools sticking out of it. One of the guys made up a graphic for it later on... bright red with a whaite cross, of course.

Leary: And here is also the first of many "random" gimmicks to decide a champion or a match.

Skeeter: Randomicity is good at times. I hoenstly DID put all the names of my first wrestlers in a hat and drew one out. Luckily, it was an actual handled character and not one of my jobbers.

BB: Well, why doesn't someone tell me these things! What have we got, instead?

Shock: A bucket.

BB: Fine. I'm here to draw a name from the Medium-sized Bucket and crown our first champion! Barry.. The Bucket please!

Leary: BigBOSSes second in command, the Medium-Sized Bucket. A truly underrated character in BOB's history.

Skeeter: For sure... I had NO idea it'd become a running gag. We did eventually get the Big Barrel back at some stage, but the bucket was always funnier.

Leary: This always seemed to me like it could be a perfect WWF parody where BigBOSS was McMahon, and the Bucket was Vince Russo. The bucket and Russo made about as much sense as each other at the time too!

Skeeter: But then the BOSS would have to fire and re-hire the Bucket, and things would just get complicated...

(He rummages around for a few seconds, probably trying to give the illusion of a fuller roster.)

BB: And the winner.. and NEWWWWWWW "Swiss Army Belt" Champion is.... "THE STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTINNNNN VOSS!

Skeeter: Oh, good old Justin. He was handled by an Australian guy called... Justin Voss! Veered between insanly funny and unbelievably crude at will. And he didn't give a fuck as to who he offended, either. I respected that.

Leary: As evidenced later when he handled Pope John Paul II. How many handlers did you have when BOB started?

Skeeter: Probably four or five at the most. I've always had GOOD handlers, but I've never had MAMY handlers. Oh, and it would be SIX handlers if you count the guy who entered with XXXtreme Machine.

Leary: And, stunningly, I think now, four years later, we are up to about eight handlers. In another four years, maybe we'll hit 10.

Skeeter: Then I'll have to quit before the stress gets too much to bear... *laugh*

("If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!" is sung by a group of enthusthiastic 8-year-olds. The crowd joins in as Justin Voss sprints out from the locker room. He leaps into the crowd and proceeds to shake the hand of every fan present. (It's really lucky we don't have a large fanbase yet, or this could take ages!) He finally hits the ring and is handed the belt.)

Skeeter: Is it just me, or is "If You're Happy..." the most annoying song ever devised by man?

Leary: His alternate song, the Chicken Dance is right up there, I think. Or was it the Birdy Dance?

Skeeter: Yep, that's the one. Suited his character perfectly though... a guy so desperate to be liked he'll be the perfect Kiss-Ass.

JV: You LIKE me! You really LIKE me!!

Leary: I smell Susan Lucci there.

Skeeter: Sally Field? That's who I was going for, anyhoo.

Leary: Hmm...could be. They're both brunettes. *Laugh*

BB: Congratulations, Justi..

JV: Hey, look, it's got a corkscrew! And what's this.. wow, scissors!

Skeeter: I should have done more with the various implements, i think. Have heels cheat with them, you know? Blading guys with the bottle opener, maybe.

BB: I said, well done..

JV: Should I put it on? Or does it look better over my shoulder?

BB: Are you even listening to me?

Skeeter: There's a big question right there? Round the waist, or over the shoulder? I like guys to wear their belts, personally.

Leary: I've always been a shoulder fan, personally. Guess we just discovered the cat person/dog person debate of the wrestling world! God bless DVD commentary!

Skeeter: *laugh* Well, opinions are like assholes... everyones' got one.

JV: CHEER ME! (The crowd pops.) CHEER ME AGAIN! (Bigger Pop)

BB: That's IT!!! Because of your lack of respect, and in a cheap attempt to gain a quasi-heel status, I'm ordering you to defend that title, LIVE, TONIGHT! Against a MYSTERY OPPONENT!

Leary: Quasi-heel status. *Laugh*

Skeeter: The Vince vs Steve Austin fued was still going in '99, obviously.

Leary: Yep, year two was in full swing.

Skeeter: There's a definite Vince-ism in the "LIVE, TONIGHT!" line, too. I just needed... "In this very ring". Well, no duh. I thought we'd wrestle in the balcony, Vince.

Leary: *Laugh* I don't know if I ever used it, but I swear I did somewhere in the efed world, probably with Trey Vincent, where I had him say something along the lines of "I'm gonna fight you, in a different ring, on a different night, in a different arena." It might have been in BOB, but that was many beers ago...

Skeeter: Mmm... beer. What is your favourite beer, by the way? I always make fun of Coors in BOB.

Leary: I usually end up with Budweiser or one of the Miller family members. Coors needs making fun of.

MM: WHAT?!!

SW: All right, an angle already!

BB: That's right! Entourage, follow me!

MM: Well, what an amazingly cliched development! The Stereotyped Face will have to put up or shut up in tonights Main Event!

Skeeter: Kayfabe went cheerfully sailing out the window right from the first show, as you can clearly see..

GBH: ..if you happy an' you knows it, clap your hands.. (CLAP CLAP)

MM: The songs finished, GBH..

GBH: Huh? What's dat? What dat ting dere?

SW: That's your hand, GBH..

Skeeter: GBH's speech patterns were originally patterned after "Detritus", the troll in Terry Pratchetts' "Discworld" novels. He's changed a fair bit in the last few years, though.

Leary: Yur. I always found GBH so terribly difficult to write with for some reason. Him and Coma. Thus why I ditched him for other characters later on. Maybe I needed to bang my head on the table a few times and try to write with them again.

Skeeter: It's nice to have him around though, just to add the occasioal aside. He's like "Bender" in "Futurama"... master of the lean-in quip.

Leary: MM: Oh, leave him alone, Scotty, he's quite happy. Here comes our ring announcer, Scuzz, to introduce our first match!

Skeeter: Scuzz ran his course pretty quick. I decided the BOSS should be picking up the cheapest, crappiest labour out there. But there's only so much character development you can do with a wino.

Leary: Scuzz had his charm though. Somewhere, deep, deep, deep down, I'm sure.

Skeeter: Buried at the bottle of a mountain of empty Night Train bottles.

Scuzz: Ladies an' gennelmen.. this contes' is sched.. sched.. is gonna be for one fall.. right?.. Innerducin' first.. ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH!

(Alex walks down the aisle. No Music. No Pyro. No Reaction from the fans.)

Skeeter: There's another example of BOB's hiring policies. a guy whose gimmick is that he HAS no gimmick. He's just a guy.

Leary: Hey, at least BOB was honest about it. There were about 30 guys just like that in WCW at the time.

Skeeter: *laugh* Yep, every guy on the nWo b-roster...

Scuzz: An' his opponen'.. weighin' 235 pounds... th' self-proclaimed "WWF Glory Champion"... BIRDBOY!

("Fly Like an Eagle" plays over the tinny soundsystem as Birdboy and Mr Pecker make their way to the ring to a big pop. A badly-timed crowd shot gives a glimpse of a BOB employee holding up a "FACE" sign to the crowd.)

Skeeter: Birdboy... he was in the WWF before I even started writing for them. I THINK he might have been one of Martys characters, but I'm not sure.

Leary: The FACE sign bit is in homage to the old WCW Saturday Night show?

Skeeter: Yep, the Disney tapings. Boo the "Heel" sign, cheer the "Face". That "employee" must be the Flunky again...

Leary: As you can see, all the characters were thought out amazingly by Skeeter. His vision from day one is the same as it is today....very blurry. *Laugh*

MM: Birdboy is in the house! He's here to regain the former glory of the now-defunct Whatever Wrestling Federation.

SW: Now there's an ambition.. who's he trying to emulate, the Anthropomorphic Duck, the Overtly Homosexual Tag-Team or the Hardcore Luchador?

Skeeter: For those playing at home, that's Lenny Duck, The Fumbuckers and of course... Kamikazie Ken. I actually entered Ken in several "serious' e-feds. But he was always very cartoon-y.

MM: Beats me. Everyone needs a hobby, I suppose.

GBH: Huh huh huh.. hand..

MM: And here we go! Birdboy and Alex lock it up in the center of the ring!

SW: Wait, why hasn't the bell rung?

MM: Ummm.. well...

SW: We couldn't afford one, could we?

Skeeter: There's my first actual running gag. We didn't get a bell until after the first PPV... I should have worked a "No Bell Prize" pun in somewhere.

Leary: *Laugh*

Skeeter: I like bad puns. Did I mention that?

Leary: Was this supposed to be "airing" on public access here?

Skeeter: I guess. I imagined it going out on a local network WAY early on Monday Mornings. Right between an evangalist and a cartoon, y'know?

Leary: Yep. I also did enjoy that morning bit. While every other fed is on in primetime, BOB is on at 7 a.m. or whenever. Again, going totally against the real world model.

Skeeter: Cheap air-time fits the companies strategy.

MM: *ahem*.. Anyway, Smith takes control with an armwringer. And he follows it up with.. nothing. Guess he's out of ideas already. Oh, nice reversal by Birdboy! Leg-sweep takedown! The veteran is showing his skills here! Applys a seated arm-bar. Grapevines the leg as well! Classsic application of the Half Pretzel!

GBH: Duhh.. look at dat hand wave.. wheee!

Leary: What offense by Smith *laugh*

Skeeter: These days Smith looks like a fore-runner to the Snapmare Kid, all right. Even Barry Horowitz had more moves.

Skeeter: The Half-Pretzel came from Billy Connelys' "Andre the Terrible" joke, incidently.

SW: Cut it out you big oaf! Oh, great, now you've spilled water everywhere! And he's your regular color commentator, while I'M only the special guest?

Skeeter: I pretty much knew Scotty would be a full-timer right from the get-go. Sarcasm is easier to write than stupidity.

Leary: Yep. Good to make him suffer right from the start though.

MM: We could negotiate, Scotty.. Back in the ring, Alex has reversed the tide.. he whips Birdboy to the ropes.. misses an elbow... and Birdboy launches a flying body-scissors! Beautiful form in the air! Alex is in all sorts of trouble here! He rolls to the floor.. this could be a mistake.. Birdboy loves that high-risk offence!

SW: Look out!! Suicidal dive through the ropes!

Skeeter: Notice how much more actual wrestling there was in the early days? that came from the STWF, which actually had pretty good matches in between the gags.

Leary: Yep. But, eventually, sportz entertainment invaded BOB.

Skeeter: Angles good, wrestling bad. I used to have a list of over 300 moves printed out to help me write matches. Nowadays, I toss in a move when I can't think of anything witty to say.

Leary: Yep. Lately you make up very strange names for moves. Which is probably the way to go for BOB anyhow.

Skeeter: Yep, why do a suplex when you can do an Exploding Weasel-Plex?

MM: What a plancha that was! He grabs Smith by the seat of the pants and tosses him into the crowd.. who toss him straight back again! Birdboy introduces Smith to the ringpost! And the steps! And the space where the timekeepers table will be when we get around to buying one! He eventually rolls Smith back into the ring.. bounces of the ropes.. building up speed... springboards off the ropes and...FLYAWAY! The Generic Ref drops to the mat and counts..1..2..3! It's over!

Skeeter: *laugh* I forgot that line about the lack of a timekeepers table. Very BOB.

Leary: Ah, the Generic Ref. If he ever goes on strike, there goes the entire BOB referee crew.

Skeeter: Yep, he's the one and only. Tubby guy, striped shirt, can;t do count-outs. It's Earl Hebner!

SW: Already? I smell another angle here...

MM: GOOD LORD! The lights went out! What's going on?

GBH: Huhhh? Where you go, Scotty?

SW: Get off me, you big lug! Quit it!

Skeeter: GBH was probably the only charater who got SMARTER as the years went by...

Leary: Yep. He's our Algernon. Or whatever that mouse's name was.

MM: The lights come back on.. and Birdboy is unconcious in the center of the ring!!! What happened? And who spraypainted the Big "?" on his back? And who's that Mysterious Masked Man(TM) on the BOB-Tron?

SW: I can't see any details... But then, the BOB-tron only has a 14-inch screen!

Skeeter: We had so many Mysterious Masked Men(TM) in the first year of BOB, I honestly can't remember who that was supposed to be.

Leary: The first incarnation of the Tiny-Tron there. Wasn't it supposed to be in black and white too?

Skeeter: I'd lay even money it was. At least it'd be portable.

MM: Well, we'll update you on this, as soon as we have more details.. but now, let's move on to our Origami Death Match!

Skeeter: Bizarre Stipulation Number 1. Marty was always doing that to me in the WWF. Booking weird matches and letting me figure out what they actually were. Helped my creativity a lot, though.

Scuzz: This contes' is an Origami Death Match. The rules.. well, there aint none.. 'cept only paper weapons are allowed.. right? 'Kay.. here's th' first team.. from Red Cross, North Carolina.. weigin' in at 405 pounds.. THE UNIVERSAL DONORS!

Skeeter: These guys were the latest on a long line of medical-themed gimmicks from J. Sadly, he didn't have any ideas for what to do with them, so they became jobbers pretty quick. He was an EMT in real life at the time, I believe.

Leary: Art Teery and Cap "Al" Larrie. Managed by future BOB diva Nurse Heidi if I'm not mistaken.

Skeeter: Actually, they had their own valet.. a Goth-chick called "Bloody" Mary.

Leary: Ahh...so where did Heidi come from then? Dr. Sillaconne M. Plants?

Skeeter: Yep... she managed both SMP and The Ambulance Jockeys. J and I started writing together after an STWF angle where Heidi started dating Coma, of all people.

("Spill The Blood" by Slayer plays at such volume it's rendered inaudible by distortion. The crowd boos lustily, aided by the fact that the "HEEL" sign is being displayed. Hey, if WCW used to do this, so can we...)

Skeeter: Okay, beating the joke home with a sledgehammer, right there.

Leary: Yep. The signs of a young Detached Narrator getting his feet wet too, maybe, just maybe.

Scuzz: An' their opponents.. weig'in' in at 527 pounds... DJ RAWKUS an' MC CARJACK!

Voiceover: Hey Carjack, why don't you put that big ol' 12-inch on my turntable?

("Thumpin in Da Howse" plays as DJ and MC make their way to the ring. A mixed reaction for the Jobbers Inc tag-team.)

Skeeter: Smutty pee-pee jokes make their BOb debut! Rawkus and Carjack were probably inspired by Vanilla Ice, I think.

Leary: MC Carjack is probably one of my favorite gimmick names of all time.

Skeeter: I think i adapted the names of two guys in a Judge Dredd comic strip. I can remember their song being called "We Stole the Bassline", at least. That still cracks me up. I'm wondering how we got the mixed reaction... The Flunky must have held up both the "Heel" and "Face" cards.

Leary: Jobbers Inc., of course, the forerunner to the jWo, JWA and Rite To Suck, right?

Skeeter: Yep. I even had a motto for them. "We can sell it for you wholesale!".

Leary: *Laugh*

MM: Well, both teams are in the ring, and The Generic Ref is distributing the paper sheets. Some quick folding going on now... what will these teams be able to make, weapon-wise?

SW: And what will the fans make of this bizarre match?

GBH: An whut's.. this ting?

SW: That's your hand again, GBH.. Ooh! MC's quickly made a paper fan! And he's whipping Art Teery with it! That's gotta smart!

Skeeter: I actually like to see this match on WWE. I should e-mail Eric Bischoff about it.

Leary: Toss it on the Roulette wheel for sure.

Skeeter: I'm sure they have a shitload of XFL paperwork they could use.

Leary: Love ya, Vince!

Skeeter: *laugh*

MM: Cap Larrie has made a sailors hat with his sheet of paper! And look at him use the pointy end on DJ Rawkus! Art finally gets away from Carjack.. running dropkick sends the Mike Controller to the mat! Art rolls up his sheet of paper into a tube and is whaling away at him! That's an A3 size piece of paper, folks! You can't get anymore hardcore than this...

Skeeter: Now this is where we needed Mark Shill to REALLY hype the danger.

Leary: Maybe the A3 paper could make a return and feud with the AYOOYFM belt.

Skeeter: *laugh* I'm also wondering why, if Carjack was a "Mike Controller", he never possesed Monroe?

Leary: *Laugh*

Skeeter: All these wasted angle opportunities. *sigh*

SW: Yeah, right! Who booked this match, "Soft Core" Zack?

MM: That's enough blatant STWF referencing for one day, thank you! Although I would like to remind everybody that all BOB wrestlers are elegible for next years "Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl"! The most spectacular spectacle in Parody Sports Entertainment! But getting back to the match at hand! Rawkus has made a paper swallow! And everytime he pulls its tail, the beak is pecking Larrie! On the other side of the ring, Carjack and Teery are exchanging right hands! Inverted atomic drop on Carjack! A spinning heel kick and Carjack flies over the top rope to the floor! Teery folding away rapidly now! What is he making? Will it be something to aid Cap Al Larrie, who's currently on the receiving end of a series of European uppercuts from Rawkus? He's made.. a paper model of "The Mayflower"!

Skeeter: "Soft Core" Zack was one of my favourite STWF characters. I THINk it was Nate, who handled Billy Polar, who created him. He used the least-damaging weapons ever. Paper, polystyrene, Whiffle bats.

Leary: If I wrote this match, I'd probably have everyone gushing blood by now. *Laugh* Paper cuts are lethal.

Skeeter: Oh, for sure. *laugh* The 'Bunkhouse Blivion Brawl was another STWF reference. One of my favourite cards ever was the second BBB. Just the funniest thing I'd read in years.

Leary: Now, were you still in STWF here, splitting time?

Skeeter: Yep, the STWF still had another couple of months in it before Des called it a day. I was just roleplaying maily, although I did 3 'sunday Afternoon" shows with J's help. Probably had Coma in his "Breakdance Inferno" phase at the time.

SW: The boys' got hidden talent!

MM: He attacks Rawkus with the 17th Century sailing ship! Great offense here! Rawkus tries to wrestle it away from him...

DJ Rawkus: OW! Paper cut!! That stings! Ouch!

Skeeter: Yep, you called it. I hate paper cuts. Cuts off cardboard beer cartons are even worse.

Leary: Man, if somebody had knocked Rawkus over, he would have gone down with the ship.

Skeeter: *laugh* Oh, that's a terrible pun. Keep it up! *laugh*

Art Teery: He's bleeding! Not much, mind you, but he's bleeding! SPONGE!

'Cap": SPONGE!

Art: NEEDLE!

'Cap": NEEDLE!

ART: BIGGER NEEDLE!

DJ: Hey, get off! Stop it! OW!

Skeeter: And there's the Donors gimmick in a nutshell. Blade there opponents, collect the blood. Sadly, we couldn't figure out much else to do with them.

MM: Rawkus is heading for higher ground! The Donors are after him! Carjack joins in the pursuit! All four men heading back to the locker room, as the ref calls for a double DQ!

SW: A DQ? Why?

MM: So he doesn't have to count them out.. we told you about his counting skills, didn't we?

SW: Fine. Time for a commercial?

MM: Why not?

Leary: Ah, another BOB staple for years to come. Confusing finishes.

Skeeter: Yep. They'd become more frequent as I burnt out creativly. But I'd usually try to make them funny screwjobs, rather than pointless time-fillers. CoughcoughRAWcough.

Leary: *Laugh*

This program is brought to you by "Unintendo Systems"! Introducing the latest game for the Unintendo 63.5 (Vers. 2.3)... RICKY MARTIN VERSUS THE ICELANDIC NINJAS OF DOOM!

Skeeter: I used the "Unintendo" in a couple of STWF promos... the Head Trauma Boys owned one. I'm in total Coma-Surrealist Mode for this whole advert, really.

Leary: The Unintendo system has lasted through the years too in the BOB world, if I'm not mistaken.

Skeeter: I think it's made a few appearances, yes.

YES! You play the biggest singing sensation in months as he sings, gyrates and poses his way through 18 fun-filled levels! Defeat the seafood-throwing Eskimos! Navigate the Maze O' Marshmellow! Beat off screaming teenagers with a stick! It's all here, and if it isn't.. we'll send out for it!

RICKY MARTIN VERSUS THE ICELANDIC NIJAS OF DOOM! OUT NOW!!

Skeeter: Okay, is it MarshmEllow, or MarshmAllow? They both look wrong to me.

Leary: I believe it's Marshmallow.

Skeeter: So noted. *laugh* Re-reading that now, the phrase "Beat off screaming teenagers..." seems much more smutty than I intended it to be.

Leary: *Laugh* I can't believe *I* missed that one!

Skeeter: Wouldn't mind playing the game for real, though. I could see Something Awful dot com doing an update on it.

MM: And we're back! As you can see, the box containing Przste.. Prrtzs..

SW: Pzremslwvk... roll the "Z"...

Skeeter: Ahh, now we're in some treacharous territory. Goffer and Pzremslwvk were creations of theinfamous Christian Colde... AKA "Neige Thirteen"...

Leary: I never got Pzremslwvk...not that I ever got Neige...but Goffer I kind of enjoyed. Just for the go-go-Goffer bit.

Skeeter: I liked both of them. This is where I do want to hand out some credit to Mr Colde... He COULD be very, very funny. The Pzremslwvk and Goffer roleplays he wrote were hilarious. I literally spurted cola out my nose reading one of his promos. Later on, he introduced the "Neige" charater... and everything went to shit. But I'll delve more into that during the "Bullwinkle" debacle on NAGAM 1.

Leary: So, what's the deal with the box here? I'm a bit lost on that bit.

Skeeter: The idea was that Goffer wanted to be a tag-team wrestler, but had no partner. So he got himself a "Mail-Order Partner" called Pzremslwvk. He arrived in the box, and due to them having no money, lived in it too. With a sheep. The concept was ntrinsically funny to me...

Leary: Ahh...*laugh* That helps a bit.

Skeeter: It's tricky sometimes, since the promos have been lost to history...

MM: Whatever.. well, he's in the box and it's hanging over the ring as we speak.. Mr X made his entrance during the ad break.. so we're just waiting for Goffer to arrive...

Leary: It's Mr. X! Now one of my favorite characters after he was abused for so many years by Steve and J. *Laugh*

Skeeter: This was the original incarnation of him, of course. He started off as a Government Sp00k, only to be turned a full 180 by Mr. Leary here.

Leary: He was supposed to be involved with the Agency. And it left Mr. X bitter for a long time. So why not turn to a life of disorganized crime?

Skeeter: *laugh* A good enough explanation as any, I guess.

Scuzz: Ladies an' gennemen.. innerducing.. GOFFER!

("Blame it On The Bossanova" is played on a Casio Keyboard as Goffer arrives. Hey, if he can't pick a theme tune, we'll just have to improvise... Goffer leaps into the ring and performs a few GO-GO-GOFFER Martial Arts moves, accidently knocking out the ref.. never mind, I'm sure he'll be concious by the time the match ends.)

Leary: *Laugh* Nice ref bump.

Skeeter: Ahh, who needs him for the first couple of minutes, anyway? "Blame it on the Bossanova" was used as a refence to David Allen Griers' performance as "The Brother with no Soul" in "Amazon Woman on the Moon". He sings it over the end credits while playing the maracas. Funny stuff.

MM: Well, this should be a spectacular match, Scotty...

SW: Not bloody likely... Mr X got the jobber intro.. squash coming up!

GBH: Hur hur hur.. squash...

Leary: This is essentially what makes Scotty such a fun character to read and write with. He just says whatever the fuck he wants.

Skeeter: Yep. The "Jobber Entrance' was a classic wrestling memory for me. The first wrestling I ever watched was "WWF Superstars" in the mid-80s... We could always pick the jobbers, although we called them "Punching Bags"

Leary: I laughed when I first heard the term "talent enhancement" way back when. But I remember them clearly. Iron Mike Sharpe and his big black wristbands. Barry Horowitz. The Brooklyn Brawler. And so many jobbers who just were all like pale as ghosts with the most ghetto outfits ever. Good times.

Skeeter: The Brawler... God I loved that guy. Look, I have a stogie and a shirt with holes in it... fear me!

MM: This one's under way! Probably.. with no bell and no ref, it's difficult to tell... But Goffer leaps into the attack with a Spinning GO-GO GOFFER kick! Mr X wasn't expecting that! His fedora flies into the crowd! Legdrop! Cover..

SW: Forget it, the ref's still in La-La Land..

MM: Speaking of La-La Land, GBH looks like he has a comment...

GBH: Dur... whut? Huh?

Skeeter: The fedora was a Humphrey Bogart tribute. The room my computer is in has six framed Bogie prints in it. (Including a "Big Sleep" poster my girlfriend-turned-wife managed to score for me after we saw it together.)

MM: No, I was wromg.. Mr X is whipped to the ropes.. Cartwheel elbow! Great skills from Goffer! Scoopslam! Polish Underhook Suplex! Mr X is in trouble! GO-GO GOFFER GROIN KICK!

SW: Ouch! Although, I can't help but notice that these GO-GO Goffer moves are just regular martial arts with extra yelling..

Skeeter: Basic moves with yelling? Congratulations Cristian, you invented the current WWE main event style...

Leary: Goffer always reminded me of that Inspector Gadget cartoon. I wonder if Goffer sounded like Don Adams.

Skeeter: I'm pretty sure that's who inspired the charatcer. The tanuki cap he wore was from Christians' love of somewhat obscure anime. Although there is now a "Tanukis' Cave" yakatori resturant in Auckland. Excellent drinking food.

MM: GO-GO-GOFFER PUNCH! GO-GO-GOFFER CHOP! Standing side kick! Mr X is down in the center of the ring! It could be over...

CREAK... TWANG! CRUNCH!!!

SW: Darn. I knew that cheap twine wouldn't keep Pzremslwvk's box up there for too long...

Skeeter: You couldn't pay me enough to take that sort of bump...

Leary: Why was the box up there anyhow? Just for cartoony violence?

Skeeter: I think the match was supposed to be under the stips where your partner is hanging in a cage above the ring. Preventing interferance, that sort of thing. The cartoony violence was just a nice by-product.

MM: Well, you did say it was going to be a squash... And Mr X is definitly squashed beneath the box.. The Box is covering.. Ref is up to count.. and it's over!

Scuzz: Here is your winner... PZREMSLWVK!

Skeeter: J HATED having to type "Pzremslwvk" all the time. I can still spell it perfectly, despite always fucking up English words like "Defintley".

Leary: *Laugh* And here's another running gag of somebody not even in the match winning. As Shill would hype, you only see outcomes like this in BOB!

Skeeter: I'm nothing if not consistant.

MM: Goffer isn't going to be too happy with Przemslwvk stealing the win like that.. oh, well, I'm sure they sort it out.. It's Main Event time!

("Taking Care Of Business" plays again. The BigBOSS arrives once more.

Skeeter: Heel Boss Philosophy: More screentime for ME!

Leary: Wow, I forgot these shows were a little shorter than the ones we're doing today. No wonder why you could write more back then.

Skeeter: Yep, with only four handlers, I could churn out a card in a couple of days. Maybe it was the ADD but... wait, what was I saying? Ooh, look, a car!

Leary: *Laugh*

Skeeter: Then again, some of the STWF cards had just one or two matches apiece.

BB: Scuzz, I'll handle this intro.. here's your pay. Don't drink it all at once.. *ahem*.. Ladies and Gentlemen.. THIS is your Monday Morning Mayhem MAIN EVENT! And it is for the Swiss Army Belt Championship! Introducing first, The Champion.. JUSTINNNN VOSS!

(We get a reprise of "If You're Happy and You Know it, etc.." Justin runs to the ring, shaking hands and high-fiving the sparse crowd.)

Skeeter: It's only the first card and I'm already sick of typing "If You're Happy... yadda, yadda, yadda."

Leary: Did Voss ever get the chance to do a "Stereotyped Heel" turn?

Skeeter: He did plan one, but I forget if we ever went through with it.

Leary: I don't remember it. But that would have been fun. I can see him doing a "BOO ME" bit. So damn simple it'd be gold.

Skeeter: Maybe a T-shirt reading "Evil Heel", too...

Leary: Why do I have the feeling if you get writer's block on a Classix you'll come looking at this commentary for some ideas? *Laugh*

Skeeter: *laugh* You took the words right out of my brain.

BB: And his opponent.. and challenger.. weighing in at 240 pounds.. the Heel from Hell.. The Legend in His Own Mind... The Walking Malpractise Suit.. The Sinister Surgeon... SILLACONE M. PLANTS!

SW: WHOA!

MM: GOOD LORD!

GBH: Hur huh hur.. squash..

Skeeter: GBH, half a page behind everyone else as always. SMP was by far J's most sucessful characters. J plays such a great rudo dick heel...

Leary: Yep, and I'm sure the tit jokes helped.

Skeeter: Ooooh, yeah.

(The lights dim.. A BOB flunky holds up a piece of cardboard reading "BANG! BANG! WOOSH! BANG!", while waving a torch around. A pounding beat starts, overdubbed with Henry Rollins shouting the lyrics to Sades' "Smooth Operator". S.M.P walks out, dressed in a black lab coat with the words "Suck My Scalpel" on the back. His valet, Nurse Heidi is by his side.)

Skeeter: Once again, The Flunky isn't mnamed. Maybe I was trying to give the impression we had more than one Fluny?

Leary: Smooth Operator is such a funny song to listen to on MIDI. Well, funnier than most anyway.

Skeeter: I'd have to assume SMP paid for the cover version, though. No WAY would BOB be able to afford Henry Rollns.

MM: Unbelievable!! S.M.P!! The only man to ever hold THREE tittle.. sorry, titles in three different federations simultaneously! This looks bad for Voss!

SW: Yup! He's the breast man.. excuse me, the BEST man the BOSS could find!

(Cut to The Flunky, who's holding a sign reading "Ding! Ding! DING!")

Skeeter: See, now I DO name The Flunky! There's one for the Geeky Continuity Error Geeks.

Leary: I know. At the next BOB convention, you're gonna catch geek hell.

Skeeter: *laugh*

MM:The bell has gone, we're under way! A show-down in the center of the ring, as both men try to whip up the crowd! Listen to the cheers for Voss! The boos for Plants! The whistles for Nurse Heidi! What atmosphere.. it's almost like we taped the crowd reaction at a reputable fed and played it back over the PA...

SW: Ixnay, Ixnay!

Skeeter: Okay, why the fuck is Scotty suddenly defending kayfabe here? Oy.

Leary: I'm sure if Scotty were asked about it, he'd go into a rant about there being script problems from day one...

Skeeter: *laugh* Yep, the problem being I was the guy writing the script. It was pretty much always like that, though. Angles and characters would flip-flop on an alomst weekly basis...

Leary: Thank God we're almost MSTing our own stuff, huh? Now nobody can come back and say how stupid our shows since we already know. *Laugh*

Skeeter: *laugh* If you can't make fun of yourselve, you shouldn't be doing it to others, I say.

MM: They lock up... biiig shove sends the champ down! Voss springs back up and is clotheslined straight back to the mat! Elbow drop finds the mark! Plants is taking control! Suplex! Voss bounces back up! Headbutt by the Sinister Surgeon! Voss no-sells it and gives Plants an inverted atomic drop! DDT! Nice recovery from the Stereotyped Face!

SW: C'mon Plants! Let's go! Take down the pretty boy!

Skeeter: That's actually some pretty fluid chain wrestling. Must have seen a Rey Mysterio match that week.

MM: Scoop by Voss.. Nice Samoan Drop! Covers.. only a one count! This ones a long way from being over! Whip to the ropes... reversed by SMP! Back Body drop over the ropes! Voss lands hard on the unforgiving concrete of the arena floor! Plants out to the apron.. Running Bulldog on the floor! Great move!

SW: Oh, yeah! This is gonna be the shortest title reign in history!

Skeeter: That's what always makes me cringe abput indy wrestling. Lack of padding on the floor.

Leary: Man, there is such great wrestling language we've yet to exploit. The unforgiving concrete. I can see a wrestler starting a feud with a floor suddenly. But maybe that's just because I've been up for far too long. *Laugh*

Leary: I apologized for falling on you, floor! Why won't you accept?

Skeeter: Ahh, screw you, fleshbag!

MM: Plants whips Voss to the stairs.. reversed! Plants goes in knees first and tumbles over the stairs! The Generic Ref has the count going..

Ref: ...3..4.. (Checks some writing on his arm)..uh..5..5...5...

Leary: Get that man some Sesame Street, STAT.

Skeeter: That was a running gag I could keep going for a long time. He seems to have gotten a better grasp of numbers these days. Thanks, U.S Education Sytstem!

Leary: Yep, I think he's got the odd numbers down cold.

SW: Not much chance of a count-out then..

MM: Voss on top of things now! Lefts and rights! He drags Plants into the crowd! He's setting up a piledriver in the midst of the fans! NO! Plants turns it into a back body drop! What action! They're heading back towards the ring now..

SW: Not that it matters.. The ref's managed to count all the way to 27 without ever hitting 10... GBH could do a better job.. right GBH?

GBH: Uhhh..1..too..free..lots..

Leary: *laugh* Very nice stupidity there from GBH.

Skeeter: More Detritus-inspired idiocy. And hey, was that the most pointless brawl-in-the-fans EVER, or what?

Leary: It's a pretty good match anyhow. I'm shocked at the quality here.

Skeeter: I told you, I still had the "Big-List 'O Moves" on my desk...

SW: I rest my case! Plants and Voss are back in the ring now.. suplex attempt blocked by Voss.. and he snap suplexes Plants instead!

MM: Voss going up to the top rope now.. What's he going to do.. Looks like a moonsault.. Plants kips up.. OHHH! Plants Spears Voss in the middle of the moonsault! I've never seen that in my life! Cover!! 1..2..thr..NO! 2 and three-quarters! So close! And Plants is going to the top now! Voss manages to rise.. and a dropkick to Plants who straddles the top turnbuckle! He'll be singing in a higher pitch after this one! Voss sets himself up.. ricochets off the ropes.. TOP ROPE GRINBREAKER!

Skeeter: The snap suplex is one of my favourite wrestling moves ever. Dynamite Kid, I salute you...

Leary: Nice spot with the moonsault too. I don't think I've yet to see that stolen by the WWE.

Skeeter: You'd probably land on your head, but thanks. It'd hurt like a sonavabitch if you got it wrong, methinks. I think the Grinbreaker was a rana variation. Can't remember what else he did with it, though.

SW: Wow! That was impressive.. and I don't impress easily!

MM: 1..2..3!! Voss wins! Voss wins!

SW: SMP is going to be ticked off... his contract specifically states "No jobbing to Justin Voss"...

Skeeter: And that's a shoot, brother! *laugh* J e-mailed me saying 'Don't make me job to Voss!" So I did it anyway, just to fuck with him...

Leary: *Laugh*

Skeeter: We needed a face for the 'fans', so why not a stereotyped Face?

Leary: This probably leads up to some special ring announcer, special referee, special timekeeper sort of match, right? To further the Voss/BigBOSS epic feud.

Skeeter: Yep, we ran through a few variations of the fued. Corporate emnforcer, running the gauntlet, that kind of thing. This was when i actually booked angles based on roleplays, not as the whim took me.

MM: Well, it's been a spectacularlly mediocre night.. so join us next week, live from a floating ring at Seaworld, when we'll see the debut of "Kermit" as he takes on Xenomorph! GI Slow will also make his first appearance, meeting Pzremslwvk in a Hardcore Food Fight match!

Skeeter: Nice brush-off, Monroe. Kermit was another of Cristians guys. Never found him as funny as the others, but it was nice to have a fuller roster. I believe slow came from the Whatever Fed.

Leary: I *think* I saw his name in the LOL archives, but I'm not positive on that at the moment. But, we'll eventually find out, whenever we repackage all those old shows for our own filler shows.

Skeeter: Yes. All Your Cards Are Belong to Us!

MM: And our main event will see Birdboy, Goffer and one of the Universal Donors.. we haven't decided which.. in a Triple Threat Match to decide the #1 contender for The Stereotyped Faces' Swiss Army Belt title! Until then, for Scotty Whatbody and GBH, I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, saying so long!

Leary: And on that note, I guess we're done with this commentary. Unless you've got anything to add?

Skeeter: Not really. I think it was a nice start to the fed, fairly short though it was. It probably took me a few shows to really get the characters personalities sorted out in my head, but looking back, it's still got some chuckles here and there. And that's all I could hope for, really.

Leary: It definitely set the direction for the fed. Scotty is the guy I think who became the voice for BOB here. His whole attitude just meshed perfectly. Your best early theft, Steve.

Skeeter: Thanks, Marty! Well, one down, 473 to go... See you later, folks!


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