MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 2!
We pan around a tacky-looking aquatic themepark. A wrestling ring bobs gently in a large tank. The tanks occupant, a killer whale, is nudging it around curiously. The crowd is up to about 130 this week, including employees. (Just how much are Goffer and Justin Voss spending on audience plants to get those "Sound-Barrier Breaking" pops?) We zoom in on the announce table. Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, Scotty Whatbody and GBH are present. GBH is wearing water wings.)
MM: Hello and WELCOME! To Mondy Morning Mayhem! Still the most popular wrestling show to screen at 7am on monday mornings!
SW: And last week we only lost to "Barney and Friends" by 8 points!
GBH: Duhhhh.. fluffy.
MM: Well, todays' show is coming to you live from BudgetSeaWorldLand, here in the heart of SUPERWACKYFUNLAND!
SW: Y'know, I thought a live broadcast from the actual Seaworld was suspiciously expensive-sounding. This is the crappiest theme park I've ever seen in my life! Except for the Elevator of Doom... that ROCKS!
MM: Anyway, tonight sees the debuts of "Kermit" and G.I Slow! There's also the Triple Threat Match for the Swiss Army Belt Number 1 Contendership! And first, a boring old Four-Corners match. But before that.. it's time to release details of our first ever Pay Per View! SEND US MONEY: TITLE-PALOOZA! Which will center around a one-night tournament for the Pan-Galactic Championship! Coming your way in just a few weeks!
SW: I'm glad they rejected "The Ring-A-Ding-A-King-Thing"
MM: Me too... anyway, it's time for our first match! Over to you, Scuzz...
Scuzz: Ladies an' gennelmen.. this is a four corners match for the leadership of Jobbers, Inc. Right.. Innerducing first.. from Des Moines, Iowa... ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH!
(Alex is, predictably, already in the ring... even jobbers have a pecking order.)
Scuzz: Innerducing next.. SUPER MOLLUSC an' BIVALVE!
(The Heroic Fanfare plays. Bivalve leads the way for Super Mollusc. Bivalve is wrestling on behalf of Xenomorph, BTW...)
Scuzz: And fin'l'y.. MR X!
("Spybreak" plays as the mysterious Mr X enters. The ring has developed a slight tilt on one side. The crowd remains semi-comatose... these 6AM starts do nothing for the energy levels..)
MM: Well, all our competitors are in the ring, eyeing each other up! The winner of this one gets to be the Leader of Jobbers Inc!
SW: Now there's something worth fighting for... HEY! What the heck's going on! Bivalve, Super Mollusc and Mr X just jumped Smith!
GBH: Duh...hey, theys beatin' him!
MM: Good observation GBH! That medication is kicking in nicely... And Alex is down! Kneedrop from Bivalve! Legdrop from Super Mollusc! Mr X scoops him up... and there's the Departmental Cover-Up! There's the count.. and Alex is out of here!
SW: I guess the jobbers just couldn't risk having "No Gimmick" in charge...
MM: Well, there's no chance of that now! Back in the ring now, Bivalve and Super Mollusc are teaming up on Mr X! They whip him to the ropes! Double elbow shot! Mr X crashes to the mat! They grab his legs... OOH! Make a wish!
SW: I wish I was in another federation! I wish I was in another federation!
MM: Shut up! Bivalve to the middle turnbuckle.. Drops a knee! Super Mollusc begins a version of the Garvin Stomp!
(Several Minutes pass)
SW: You know, there is such a thing as overdoing it.
MM: Yes, I agree.. he's on his fifth circuit of Mr X's body... Bivalve returns from the Little BoyWonders' Room.. CLOTHESLINE! On SUPER MOLLUSC! NICE move!
SW: Quit shouting!
MM: I'm NOT shoutING! My MIKE is playing UP! Sorry fans about THIS SLIGHT techNICal DIfficulty!
GBH: Duhhh..whut's going on wit' my talkie thingee?
SW: Well this is going well today... Back in the ring, MR X is showing some offense! Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Bivalve! Forearm to Super Mollusc! Jumping back kick and Bivalve is down again! Mr X is on fire!
MM: Is this any better?
SW: No, now you sound like the BigBOSS...
MM: Oh, bugger.. that's better! How's your mike GBH?
GBH: Thingee, thingee, thingee.. yup, dat's right...
MM: Mr X to the top rope now! He's setting up for a missile dropkick! And Bivalve sees it coming! Answers with a dropkick of his own! Mr X is down after that mid-air collision.. Super Mollusc covers.. and Mr X is gone! It's down to Super Mollusc and Bivalve! Will Bivalve beat the odds and hand control of Jobbers, Inc. over to Xenomorph? Armbar from Super Mollusc!
The Generic Ref: Do you give up?
Bivalve: Sure, why not?
MM: The ref's calling for the bell! It's over! And Super Mollusc is the undisputed leader of Jobbers Inc!
SW: I think Bivalve and Xenomorph are going to have a little chat in the back later on...
MM: Well, without further ado, let's crack on to our next match! "Kermit" versus Xenomorph in a ring surrounded by Pokemon Fans!
GBH: Duhhh.. yur! 'Scuse me..
(GBH gets up, revealling an XXXXL T-shirt with an ill-defined Japanese cartoon character on it.)
MM: Oh, I didn't realise you were a fan, GBH.. well, have fun!
MM: Well as GBH and the rest of the Pokemon fans we found enter the pool, let's go to Scuzz for the ring intro's!
(The Star Trek Techno plays as Xenomorph runs to the ring, shedding pieces of his costume en route.)
Scuzz: An' next.. "KERMIT"!
SW: We've got to get a better announcer...
("Gangsta's Paradise" plays briefly, followed by a blast of "Misirlou" (The theme from "Pulp Fiction" in case you're wondering.) Eventually "Kermit" arrives to "Scooby Snacks" by The Fun Loving Criminals.)
MM: This is going to be a dangerous match! Especially now that The Flunky has thrown a limited edition pair of Pokemon underwear into the pool!
SW: Good Lord! It's a feeding frenzy!
MM: A recording of a bell sounds and we're under way in this one! "Kermit" is on the attack immediately! Big forearm shot! Knee to the gut! Headbutt! All offense from "Kermit"! Xenomrph tries to recover from this frenzied attack! Catches "Kermit" running in and gives him a sidewalk slam! Lowblow from "Kermit" turns the tide once more! Short Powerbomb! He bounces of the ropes and launches a flying forearm! Xenomorph sidesteps and dumps him over the top rope! The Pokemon fans scatter as "Kermit" lands at the waters edge! They want no part of this psycho!
SW: Would you?
MM: Not if you paid me! Xenomorph goes to the top! Frog Splash to the outside!
SW: Surely that should be "Kermits" move?
MM: I thought he was a toad? Both men struggling on the apron! "Shmoo" the killer whale has chased most of the Pokemon fans out of the water! Except for GBH, who's trying to headbutt Schmoo! Ooh! Gut-wrench suplex on the outside by "Kermit"! Piledriver coming up.. reversed into a backdrop! He picks up "Kermit" and introduces him to the ringpost!
Xenomorph: Ringpost, "Kermit". (CLANG) "Kermit", Ringpost (CLANG!)
"Kermit": That's IT! You are DEAD!!
MM: Look out! "Kermit" is reaching for his gun! He's got it! And he's pistol whipping Xenomorph with it! Or would be, if it was a pistol!
SW: How long do you think it'll take him to realise he had a squid in his holster?
MM: I couldn't say.... I think he can blame Dennis for this.. he did say he was sick of getting shot at in "Kermits" interviews and was going to do something about it... wait! Super Mollusc is on his way to the ring!
Super Mollusc: Unhand that defenseless cephalopod, you cad!
"Kermit": What's your problem, pal? Take this! And this!
SW: He's trying to shoot Super Mollusc with the squid! This is terrible! Oh, the humanity!
MM: And Super Mollusc lays him out with a chair! Forget it! This one's history!
Scuzz: Here is your winna... by disqualification... "KERMIT"!
SW: Well, another two minute screwjob! That's keeping things consistant!
MM: We'll go to a commercial and be right back!
Where the fun never stops!
For only 50 bucks a pop!
Come to SUPER-WACKY-FUNLAND!
SUPERWACKYFUNLAND! It's more than a theme park! It's an ongoing state-wide investigation!
MM: And we're back! Time for the Hardcore Food Fight! The Flunky has finished loading the ring with the edible weapons of war! We've got stale bagels, week-old hams! Yogurt, custard and Jell-O! An entire suckling pig, and three dozen shelled oysters! This should be fun!
SW: And messy!
MM: Pzremslwvk and G.I Slow are going to hit the ring almost simultaneously... actually G.I Slow started first, but Pzremslwvk overtook him! They're in the ring now! The Generic Ref enters.. did you feel that?
SW: I sure did! How much weight are we rated for here, anyway?
MM: I don't know, but I think G.I Slow just put us over it! The ring is tilting... Oh my GOD! We're going down! Abandon Table! Women, children and play-by-play men first!
GBH: Duhhh.. I'm da king of the woorrrrlll....(SPLASH!)
(We cut to a second ring in BudgetSeaWorldLands' carpark. Several minutes pass, before the announce team squelches into sight, followed by the audience.)
SW: Talk about not thinking things through! 600 pounds of G.I Slow, Pzremslwvk, GBH, a sheep and 250 pounds of food on a floating platform.. Nice planning, Mike!
MM: I already said I'm sorry! Lucky we had the other ring set up... hey, where's GBH?
(Cut back to the tank. GBH is riding Schmoo around the remains of the submerged ring. Cut back to Scotty and Mike.)
MM: Well, we'd like to apologise for that fiasco, fans! The ref declared it a no-contest, after he was resusitated. So it's on to our Main Event! And The BigBOSS himself is here to do the intros!
BB: Ladies and gentlemen.. This Triple Threat Match will determine the #1 Contender for the "Swiss Army Belt" Championship! Introducing first, the special guest referee... your Swiss Army Champion.. "THE STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTIN VOSS!!
(Justin Voss enters to a rousing chorus of "If You're Happy and You Know It, yadda yadda yadda"... The crowd pops for the face.. even though the songs already starting to get a little annoying..)
BB: And now... From New Jersey... weighing in at 213 pounds... the Master of Go-Go-Goffer Martial Arts... GOFFER!
(The theme from "The Love Boat" plays as Goffer makes his appearance. He's followed by two armed security guards and a dripping Prmselwvk. Goffer takes off his tanuki cap and hands it to the guards. Piped-in female screams echo around the carpark.)
SW: Y'know, I wonder whether Goffer and Julie ever did the wild thing.. I mean, it wasn't called the Love Boat for nothing, was it?
MM: That's a different Gopher.. and anyway, Julie was probably doing Captain Stubing.. She didn't seem to do much actual work, did she? Cruise Director, my butt!
BB: Are you two finshed? Good... Introducing next.. One half of the Universal Donors.. "CAP" AL LARRIE!
("Spill The Blood" plays as "Cap" Larrie makes his way to the ring, along with Art Terry and "Bloody" Mary. Lots of extra people at ringside, aren't there.. you can practically smell the screw-jobs a'brewin'...)
BB: And, finally... The Ghost of Faded WWF Glory... BIRDBOY!
(A medley of "Fly Away", "Learning to Fly" and "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" plays as Birdboy enters to some not-bad pop... nostalgia sells, I guess...)
MM: Ding, ding, ding.. bells gone and we're under way!
SW: We have GOT to splash out and buy a bell next week! It's embarrasing when you just make the "ding, ding, ding" sound!
MM: Have you seen the prices of ring bells recently? We could afford three breakable tables and a pre-cut hockey stick for that!
C: HELRO YOO STOOPID PEEPOLE!
MM: Oh, no! Folks, we've been joined by "Charlie" at this time! Come to do a little color commentary, Charlie?
C: Yoo shut yoo stoopid mowth, Yankee.. I heer too tell yoo that stoopid Happy Mann, Jussin Voss bee on road too noowere.. Viet Kong, hee smoosh heem into Rice Pattie... Hee hee hee...
SW: How eloquent...
C: Me no eloquant.. eloquants have beeg ears an' loong noses..
MM: Anyway, the match has started in the ring, and we've got a two man beatdown in progresss! "Cap" Larrie is taking some heavy shots from Birdboy and Goffer! Spiked Powerbomb! Great work! Goffer tries a cover.. and receives a legdrop to the back of the head from Birdboy! A pickup from Birdboy.. Birdydriver! Goffer looks stunned from that one.. cover by Birdboy... 1.. 2... save made by Larrie! "Cap" Larrie powerslams Birdboy! Cover.. save by Goffer! Exciting stuff here!
SW: Yeah, right. The same old cover/save/cover combination... let's hope this gets interesting real fast or we'll get our butts kicked by channel 47 again! And they only broadcast Mexican Game Shows!
C: Hee hee hee.. heer come Viet Kong.. now wee gonnna kick soom dookie..
MM: He's right! Viet Kong is on his way to the ring! "Charlie" runs over to join him! Pzremslwvk is blocking his way! Justin Voss has turned his attention to Kong! Look out!! The Mysterious Masked Man(TM) has leapt out of the crowd on the other side of the ring! He's in the ring and he's got a chair! WHAM! Birdboy is blasted clear over the top rope! The Masked Man climbs to the top rope.. Tennesse Jam on the prone Birdboy! What impact! In the ring "Cap" Larrie has waved Art Teery in! The Universal Donors are pounding Goffer! Our Main Event is in chaos!
SW: C'mon Pzrmeslwvk... get in there!
MM: And he does! He siezes Art.. running powerbomb! Viet Kong has attacked Voss! A series of huge headbutts! Kong drags Voss to the floor.. they're coming this way...
SW: No! Not the table! We can't afford to replace it...
MM: And there goes the table! What a chokeslam that was! Kong is beating Voss with whatever he can find!
SW: Put me down! (THUD!) OW! (THUD!)
MM: Hey! The STWF's Homicidal Hank just jumped out of the crowd! And he's attacking Viet Kong!
HH: I've been waitin' a long time ta give ya this, ya son-of-a-BLEEP!
SW: Those two were fueding violently, just before Charlies life ban! Hank can really carry a grudge, huh?
MM: Birdboy and The Masked Man are in the crowd, exchanging punches and kicks! Goffer hits Larrie with a Goffenator! "Bloody" Mary is in there.. LOWBLOW! Goffer's a soprano! Art chairshots Pzremslwvk! He's busted him open! The Donors draw blood! "Kermit" has arrived and is punching everyone in sight! Even XXXtreme is at ringside, but everyone's ignoring him! Jobbers Inc! They're here and getting themselves some as well!
BB: All right you loonies... STOPPPPPP!!!!
And remarkably enough, that worked! The BOSS gets control instantly!
BB: That's because we're running out of broadcast time... Now listen up!! I've made a few descions here! First off.. Universal Donors! Goffer and Pzremslwvk! Since you four seem to want to beat each other up, I'm giving you the chance! Next week at MMM# 3, you'll meet in a secret location for the "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag Team titles! In a "First Juice" Match! And I'll ref that one myself!
BB: Number 2! Masked Man! Birdboy! You two are going to clash as well.. in a first round match at "SUM: Title-Palooza"!
MM: Again.. WOW!
Masked Man: Oh, good. Can I take this mask off now?
BB: Sure, why not...
SW: The Mask is coming off! Five bucks says it's "Flash" Flanagan!
MM: I really hope not! It's.. it's... oh, no.. not him!
SW: Oh, man... it's The Domino!
MM: It is! Former Whatever Wrestling Federation "NQGETBC" Champion, The Domino!
SW: There goes the neighbourhood!
BB: And finally... Voss! Kong! You two will meet in the Main Event of "SUM: Title-Palooza" in a Bamboo Cage Match for the Swiss Army Belt!
MM: W.. oh, wait, we already knew that!
BB: Yes, but what you didn't know is that.. next week.. Viet Kong will get a warm-up... when he takes on Homicidal Hank! In an inter-fed Grudge Match!
BB: That's it.. I'm done.. sign off Mike, we're out of time!
MM: You heard him folks.. Until next week, so lo..
(Cut to static)
©1999 BOB Wrestling! (Don't bother to plagarise us, we can't afford a lawyer to sue you...)