Skeeter: Okay, welcome back to another BOB "DVD Commentary". I'm Steve "Skeeter" Skeet, owner of BOB and writer of this card.
Leary: And I'm John Leary, Web guru, and not writer of this card but other ones later in BOB.
Skeeter: Also, Leary is head spell-checker for my work these days.
Leary: And trust me, spell checking for Skeeter is a full-time job. *Laughs*
MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 2!
Skeeter: Sticky Waffles. What a strange tagline.
Leary: I just thought...how very Skeeter a tag line.
Skeeter: Another STWF reference, that one. From Desmond Clivios' "You Can't Spell STicky Waffles" with STWF!" tagline.
We pan around a tacky-looking aquatic themepark. A wrestling ring bobs gently in a large tank. The tanks occupant, a killer whale, is nudging it around curiously. The crowd is up to about 130 this week, including employees. (Just how much are Goffer and Justin Voss spending on audience plants to get those "Sound-Barrier Breaking" pops?) We zoom in on the announce table. Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, Scotty Whatbody and GBH are present. GBH is wearing water wings.)
Skeeter: Gotta love a fedhead who ribs his handlers. Despite our low-budget status, a lot of guys were having massive crowds in their promos.
Leary: I already see some of your surreal bits poking through with this location.
Skeeter: The ring was inspired by a WCW "Bash at the Beach", I think. I remember a ring in a swimming pool, surrounded by drunken Spring Breakers. The killer whale is a nice touch, though.
Leary: Ah, that may have been a Spring Break Nitro from Florida. They didn't get the whale though!
MM: Hello and WELCOME! To Mondy Morning Mayhem! Still the most popular wrestling show to screen at 7am on monday mornings!
SW: And last week we only lost to "Barney and Friends" by 8 points!
GBH: Duhhhh.. fluffy.
Skeeter: *laugh* GBH comes sailing out of left field...
Leary: Was GBH supposed to stand for something?
Skeeter: Grevious Bodily Harm. It's a criminal chrage in the United Kingdom. These days, it's also a popular date-rape drug.
Leary: I also recently discovered there's a punk band with the name GBH. If he ever wrestles, we'll have to use their music simply for obscurity's sake.
Skeeter: Only if they have MIDI.
MM: Well, todays' show is coming to you live from BudgetSeaWorldLand, here in the heart of SUPERWACKYFUNLAND!
SW: Y'know, I thought a live broadcast from the actual Seaworld was suspiciously expensive-sounding. This is the crappiest theme park I've ever seen in my life! Except for the Elevator of Doom... that ROCKS!
Skeeter: SUPERWACKYFUNLAND! I ran an entire week-long series of Coma and Flatline promos from there in the STWF...
Leary: The Elevator of Doom?
Skeeter: It's an elevator. You get in it. It goes up one flor. You get out. That's about it... The rest of the park had rides like "The Decapitator", and The "Wind Tunnel of Love".
Skeeter: For my inspiration, watch the Tiny Toons Movie... and you'll see the original "Happy-Go-Pukey".
Leary: So noted...
MM: Anyway, tonight sees the debuts of "Kermit" and G.I Slow! There's also the Triple Threat Match for the Swiss Army Belt Number 1 Contendership! And first, a boring old Four-Corners match. But before that.. it's time to release details of our first ever Pay Per View! SEND US MONEY: TITLE-PALOOZA! Which will center around a one-night tournament for the Pan-Galactic Championship! Coming your way in just a few weeks!
SW: I'm glad they rejected "The Ring-A-Ding-A-King-Thing"
Skeeter: Now do we all know where "Pan-Galactic" comes from?
Leary: No, Steve, where does Pan-Galactic come from?
Skeeter: D'oh! Failed on the British sci-fi refernce. it's from the "Pan-Galactic Gargleblaster" cocktail in the "Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy".
Leary: Right. I knew that. I was just, uh, testing you. Yeah, yeah... That sounds like it could be a porno drink. The Gargleblaster.
Skeeter: *laugh* You'll be amazed to hear I seriously considered the "Ring-a-ding-a-King-Thing", by the way.
MM: Me too... anyway, it's time for our first match! Over to you, Scuzz...
Scuzz: Ladies an' gennelmen.. this is a four corners match for the leadership of Jobbers, Inc. Right.. Innerducing first.. from Des Moines, Iowa... ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH!
(Alex is, predictably, already in the ring... even jobbers have a pecking order.)
Leary: You gotta love narrator's crapping on your stars. Well....sub-stars in this case.
Skeeter: Yep, you don't get respect until you get a proper gimmivk. Like a plumber, or an evil denbtist, for instance.
Scuzz: Innerducing next.. SUPER MOLLUSC an' BIVALVE!
(The Heroic Fanfare plays. Bivalve leads the way for Super Mollusc. Bivalve is wrestling on behalf of Xenomorph, BTW...)
Leary: Interesting random factoid tossed in there.
Skeeter: Yep, and I really fucking hate it, too. Especially that abbreviation.
Leary: I'm guessing this would make sense more if you had read the roleplays leading up to the show?
Skeeter: Possibly. Or not. Super Mollusc and Bivalves' characters came from an indy film school I attended many years ago. We we screwing around with a video camera and wrote a script on the spot about the "International Allegiance of Underwater Superheroes". We filmed it in a hour. Funny stuff. I played Bivalve.
Scuzz: And fin'l'y.. MR X!
("Spybreak" plays as the mysterious Mr X enters. The ring has developed a slight tilt on one side. The crowd remains semi-comatose... these 6AM starts do nothing for the energy levels..)
Skeeter: "Spybreak" makes an appearance 4 years before Seth Harker moves in slow-mo for the first time...
Leary: Mr. X, Super Mollusc and Bivalve are also three years from their greatest gimmick ever, the rapping Jobbaz Wit Attitudez. *Snort*
Skeeter: First rule of wrestling. When in doubt, repackage your jobbers!
Leary: Yep. Throw shit at the wall and see what sticks.
MM: Well, all our competitors are in the ring, eyeing each other up! The winner of this one gets to be the Leader of Jobbers Inc!
SW: Now there's something worth fighting for... HEY! What the heck's going on! Bivalve, Super Mollusc and Mr X just jumped Smith!
GBH: Duh...hey, theys beatin' him!
MM: Good observation GBH! That medication is kicking in nicely... And Alex is down! Kneedrop from Bivalve! Legdrop from Super Mollusc! Mr X scoops him up... and there's the Departmental Cover-Up! There's the count.. and Alex is out of here!
Skeeter: We would tell you what the Departmental Cover-Up was... but then we'd have to kill you.
Leary: Smith is the Unoriginal Man of his time here.
Skeeter: You couldn't let the guy wrestle... that'd kill his gimmick.
SW: I guess the jobbers just couldn't risk having "No Gimmick" in charge...
MM: Well, there's no chance of that now! Back in the ring now, Bivalve and Super Mollusc are teaming up on Mr X! They whip him to the ropes! Double elbow shot! Mr X crashes to the mat! They grab his legs... OOH! Make a wish!
SW: I wish I was in another federation! I wish I was in another federation!
Skeeter: *laugh* That line is pure Scotty.
Leary: Back in the good old days before they had a genie on their roster to grant wishes too.
Skeeter: Yeah, these days he'd BE in another federation. The "make a wish" line is actually my first nod to the late Gorilla Monsoon, I think.
MM: Shut up! Bivalve to the middle turnbuckle.. Drops a knee! Super Mollusc begins a version of the Garvin Stomp!
(Several Minutes pass)
SW: You know, there is such a thing as overdoing it.
Skeeter: The Garvin Stomp was a move I hated as a kid. He literally stepped on the guys face each time.
Leary: It was soooo bad. One of the little touches I always enjoyed are where wrestlers get stuck on one move for minutes. They always get a chuckle out of me.
Skeeter: And that's why the Snapmare Kid is still funny. Trying to think up multiple ways for him to do a snapmare is a pain at times, but I still love the charater. Another of J's ideas, of course.
Leary: I thought SMK was Nate's creation.
Skeeter: Was he? Whoops. Some attentive BOSS, huh?
Leary: I'm pretty sure he started on Polarvision. But yeah, great creation whoever thought him up.
MM: Yes, I agree.. he's on his fifth circuit of Mr X's body... Bivalve returns from the Little BoyWonders' Room.. CLOTHESLINE! On SUPER MOLLUSC! NICE move!
SW: Quit shouting!
MM: I'm NOT shoutING! My MIKE is playing UP! Sorry fans about THIS SLIGHT techNICal DIfficulty!
GBH: Duhhh..whut's going on wit' my talkie thingee?
Skeeter: Fun with HTML. I must have just learned how to change the font sizes. My first STWF cards didn't even use HTML. I just wrote out the cards as e-mails, colored them manually and sent them to Des. He nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to format them.
Leary: Yeah, there was some stuff I couldn't quite properly translate when I switched the old formatting. Like you intentionally messed up character's fonts like they had the wrong script on a couple shows, and different font sizes. Just great stuff you can only get away with in parody feds.
SW: Well this is going well today... Back in the ring, MR X is showing some offense! Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Bivalve! Forearm to Super Mollusc! Jumping back kick and Bivalve is down again! Mr X is on fire!
MM: Is this any better?
SW: No, now you sound like the BigBOSS...
Leary: Ah, case in point right there....
Skeeter: Uh-huh. In the original page, I changed Mikes colour to slateblue, the BOSSes font. Bingo, instant voice change.
Leary: Well, everyone who missed the original can finally get the joke! Commentary to the rescue.
Skeeter: Now stop complaining and buy us stuff.
MM: Oh, bugger.. that's better! How's your mike GBH?
GBH: Thingee, thingee, thingee.. yup, dat's right...
Skeeter: There's a kiwi-ism slipping into Mikes' script. What American would ever say 'bugger"?
Leary: Not too many. I'm still waiting for the first GBH "Yur."
Skeeter: Well, we have our first "thingee", at least. Another nod to Des and the STWF, where it was an example of one of the funniest words around.
MM: Mr X to the top rope now! He's setting up for a missile dropkick! And Bivalve sees it coming! Answers with a dropkick of his own! Mr X is down after that mid-air collision.. Super Mollusc covers.. and Mr X is gone! It's down to Super Mollusc and Bivalve! Will Bivalve beat the odds and hand control of Jobbers, Inc. over to Xenomorph? Armbar from Super Mollusc!
The Generic Ref: Do you give up?
Bivalve: Sure, why not?
Skeeter: Even my jobbers were pulling off nice spots,eh?
Leary: *Laugh* That's just so unexpected. Some very nice touches I'm seeing on this card. Our little Steve is coming into his own here.
Skeeter: The casual nature of the submission is pretty funny, I feel. He's practically have a smoke break in the armbar.
MM: The ref's calling for the bell! It's over! And Super Mollusc is the undisputed leader of Jobbers Inc!
SW: I think Bivalve and Xenomorph are going to have a little chat in the back later on...
MM: Well, without further ado, let's crack on to our next match! "Kermit" versus Xenomorph in a ring surrounded by Pokemon Fans!
Skeeter: Now this was a wierd fucking stipulation. And I DIDN'T create it myself...
Leary: So, BTW, Steve, is this why Xenomorph was replaced by Bivalve in the last match?
Skeeter: Yep. I hate e-feds where one guy wrestles in eight matches in a night, so I made a subsitution. Which hopefully made the submission funnier.
Leary: See, now all our stupid readers might understand this show a little bit better and this page will get more Web hits. Especially if we mention boobs and hooters and Britney Spears.
Skeeter: Bing! 2000 hits a month! Nice work. The Pokemon fans here were requested by Christian, who handled Kermit. This was AFTER I'd announced the 'floating ring' concept, I might add. So I eventually though, "Well, I hope they can swim" and tossed 'em on in there.
GBH: Duhhh.. yur! 'Scuse me..
Leary: There's the yur!
Skeeter: Yep, the first catchphrase... or catchsound, at least.
(GBH gets up, revealling an XXXXL T-shirt with an ill-defined Japanese cartoon character on it.)
MM: Oh, I didn't realise you were a fan, GBH.. well, have fun!
Leary: Pokemon was the top fad around this time, I'd guess.
Skeeter: Christian seemed to like it, anyway. I fucking hate Pokemon. Kiddy Crack, that's what it should be called. Buy the cards! Buy the video! Buy more cards.
MM: Well as GBH and the rest of the Pokemon fans we found enter the pool, let's go to Scuzz for the ring intro's!
(The Star Trek Techno plays as Xenomorph runs to the ring, shedding pieces of his costume en route.)
Leary: They're going in the pool with the killer whale. Uh-boy...
Skeeter: Just want to point out, I like Star Trek. But if you go to far and name your kid "James Tiberius Smith", I reserve the right to mock you.
Scuzz: An' next.. "KERMIT"!
SW: We've got to get a better announcer...
("Gangsta's Paradise" plays briefly, followed by a blast of "Misirlou" (The theme from "Pulp Fiction" in case you're wondering.) Eventually "Kermit" arrives to "Scooby Snacks" by The Fun Loving Criminals.)
Leary: Is there some reason "Kermit" was always appearing in quotations?
Skeeter: The gimmick was that he was a bank ribber who wore a huge toad mask. So everyone called him "Kermit". Why I deemed it necessary to play three different songs is huge friggin' mystery to me. I'm guessing he hadn't picked an entrance theme yet.
Skeeter: That's a bank "robber", by the way. Not a bank "ribbet".
Leary: And is that bit with Scotty trashing Scuzz you already growing tired of writing for Scuzz?
Skeeter: Yeah, pretty much out of ideas a week into the fed.
MM: This is going to be a dangerous match! Especially now that The Flunky has thrown a limited edition pair of Pokemon underwear into the pool!
SW: Good Lord! It's a feeding frenzy!
Skeeter: I also had no ideas what to do with Pokemon fans. Except avoid them, that is.
Leary: I'm curious what happened to the killer whale still.
MM: A recording of a bell sounds and we're under way in this one! "Kermit" is on the attack immediately! Big forearm shot! Knee to the gut! Headbutt! All offense from "Kermit"! Xenomrph tries to recover from this frenzied attack! Catches "Kermit" running in and gives him a sidewalk slam! Lowblow from "Kermit" turns the tide once more! Short Powerbomb! He bounces of the ropes and launches a flying forearm! Xenomorph sidesteps and dumps him over the top rope! The Pokemon fans scatter as "Kermit" lands at the waters edge! They want no part of this psycho!
Skeeter: Spot. Move. Spot. I wrote a sabu match without realising.
Leary: If you wrote for Xenomorph today, you'd have to make his finisher the Cab Ride To Destiny. Just for a very, very obscure reference.
Skeeter: That's pretty obscure, all right. Eight people in the WORLD who get it. *laugh*
SW: Would you?
MM: Not if you paid me! Xenomorph goes to the top! Frog Splash to the outside!
SW: Surely that should be "Kermits" move?
Leary: Kermit the Frog Splash. Nice.
Skeeter: And there's the first of my "hilarious" frog/toad lines. Sadly, I think it was about the ONLY frog/toad line I could muster.
MM: I thought he was a toad? Both men struggling on the apron! "Shmoo" the killer whale has chased most of the Pokemon fans out of the water! Except for GBH, who's trying to headbutt Schmoo! Ooh! Gut-wrench suplex on the outside by "Kermit"! Piledriver coming up.. reversed into a backdrop! He picks up "Kermit" and introduces him to the ringpost!
Xenomorph: Ringpost, "Kermit". (CLANG) "Kermit", Ringpost (CLANG!)
Skeeter: Well, there's your answer on the killer whale question...
Leary: Should have figured only GBH would be dumb enough to go after him.
Skeeter: The "introduction" is something I think I had Homicidal Hank do a couple of times in "serious' e-feds.
"Kermit": That's IT! You are DEAD!!
MM: Look out! "Kermit" is reaching for his gun! He's got it! And he's pistol whipping Xenomorph with it! Or would be, if it was a pistol!
SW: How long do you think it'll take him to realise he had a squid in his holster?
Skeeter: Definite Loony Toons moment right there. Or perhaps Spongebob Squarepants these days.
Leary: The surreality is strong in this one.
MM: I couldn't say.... I think he can blame Dennis for this.. he did say he was sick of getting shot at in "Kermits" interviews and was going to do something about it... wait! Super Mollusc is on his way to the ring!
Super Mollusc: Unhand that defenseless cephalopod, you cad!
Skeeter: I so want the opportunity to shout that in public one day...
Skeeter: And that's the first on-card reference to Dennis, the British Interview Guy. I wrote him as an upper-class Englishman, but he'd swerve from Cockney to Scotsman depending on who's promo you read. Dennis is actually my uncles' name.
Leary: I hope HE doesn't swerve from Cockney to Scotsman.
Skeeter: Not often, no. *laugh*
"Kermit": What's your problem, pal? Take this! And this!
SW: He's trying to shoot Super Mollusc with the squid! This is terrible! Oh, the humanity!
MM: And Super Mollusc lays him out with a chair! Forget it! This one's history!
Leary: Ohhh, man. What a visual.
Skeeter: And there's the first BOB chairshot... and it's done by a jobber to a handled character. No wonder everyone quits on me.
Skeeter: The visual is funnier if you imagine the squid maing squaeking noises as he tries to 'fire" it...
Leary: Do you try to work a squid reference into every card if you can?
Skeeter: Not conciously. Coma will occasionally make squid references, though.
Scuzz: Here is your winna... by disqualification... "KERMIT"!
SW: Well, another two minute screwjob! That's keeping things consistant!
MM: We'll go to a commercial and be right back!
Skeeter: I think we must have been in a 45-minute timeslot back in the day.
Leary: Gotta squeeze in all the ads you can.
Skeeter: Just like the REAL thing....
Where the fun never stops!
For only 50 bucks a pop!
Come to SUPER-WACKY-FUNLAND!
SUPERWACKYFUNLAND! It's more than a theme park! It's an ongoing state-wide investigation!
Skeeter: That jingle is a blatant steal from the Tiny Toons Movie. Just changed the theme parks name, is all. I feel no shame.
Leary: Man, I need to watch more Tiny Toons. I'm missing out on golden material.
Skeeter: That movie was very BOB-like... 5 different plots going on at once.
MM: And we're back! Time for the Hardcore Food Fight! The Flunky has finished loading the ring with the edible weapons of war! We've got stale bagels, week-old hams! Yogurt, custard and Jell-O! An entire suckling pig, and three dozen shelled oysters! This should be fun!
SW: And messy!
Leary: Another winner of a gimmick match. This one your idea?
Skeeter: I think so. Once G.I Slow joined, it was pretty much inevitable that there was food involved somewhere.
MM: Pzremslwvk and G.I Slow are going to hit the ring almost simultaneously... actually G.I Slow started first, but Pzremslwvk overtook him! They're in the ring now! The Generic Ref enters.. did you feel that?
Skeeter: Slow became the butt of a lot of jokes concerning his entrance. And his butt.
Leary: G.I. Slow's gimmick still in the early stage here. Later on, he has the greatest entrances. This one just doesn't do him the proper justice yet.
Skeeter: And his handler didn't stick around too long. But, every fed needs a fatass or two, so we kept him for a while.
Leary: Yep. Fat is fun.
SW: I sure did! How much weight are we rated for here, anyway?
MM: I don't know, but I think G.I Slow just put us over it! The ring is tilting... Oh my GOD! We're going down! Abandon Table! Women, children and play-by-play men first!
GBH: Duhhh.. I'm da king of the woorrrrlll....(SPLASH!)
Leary: Hmm...Mike's line might have fit Scotty a tad better there. But great line nonetheless.
Skeeter: Yeah, very possible. Oh well, chuckle in haste, repent in commentary.
Leary: So, this would be the first ring disaster!
Skeeter: Yep, and we've had a few. This is probably the first recorded ring sinking, though. I really notice now that I'm about the only BOB writer that consistantly adds Sound Effects to the cards.
Leary: I guess we'll have to see about that later on. You're probably right though. I didn't even notice that. Though I'm sure I've tossed in some burping and farting noises from time to time.
(We cut to a second ring in BudgetSeaWorldLands' carpark. Several minutes pass, before the announce team squelches into sight, followed by the audience.)
SW: Talk about not thinking things through! 600 pounds of G.I Slow, Pzremslwvk, GBH, a sheep and 250 pounds of food on a floating platform.. Nice planning, Mike!
Skeeter: Gotta love a fed that makes the audience wander aimlessly around during the show.
Leary: Gotta love Scotty blaming Mike for it too.
Skeeter: Yeah, now I think about it, he should be blaming the BigBOSS. Who's the head booker, after all? I guess Mike was moonlighting as the ring crew chief...
Leary: Yep, sounds about right. Ah, the sexual tension grows between these two.
Skeeter: An angle I hope we NEVER explore.
MM: I already said I'm sorry! Lucky we had the other ring set up... hey, where's GBH?
(Cut back to the tank. GBH is riding Schmoo around the remains of the submerged ring. Cut back to Scotty and Mike.)
MM: Well, we'd like to apologise for that fiasco, fans! The ref declared it a no-contest, after he was resusitated. So it's on to our Main Event! And The BigBOSS himself is here to do the intros!
Leary: Man, Generic Ref gets knocked out from martial arts and almost dies this week. Did this severe injury bit keep happening to Generic Ref early on? I didn't even notice that before.
Skeeter: Probably a coincidence. He was one of the few guys who'd take bumps on a regular basis. But that's part and parcel of being a ref. Tap the guy the wrong way and he's old cold until after the run-in.
BB: Ladies and gentlemen.. This Triple Threat Match will determine the #1 Contender for the "Swiss Army Belt" Championship! Introducing first, the special guest referee... your Swiss Army Champion.. "THE STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTIN VOSS!!
(Justin Voss enters to a rousing chorus of "If You're Happy and You Know It, yadda yadda yadda"... The crowd pops for the face.. even though the songs already starting to get a little annoying..)
Skeeter: Man, feel the love for your theme song, Justin. *laugh*
Leary: I'm waiting to see if as we go along, you start to make the title shorter and shorter. Maybe next show it'll be down to "If You're Happy" yadda yadda yadda.
Skeeter: Another month and I probably would have turned the SONG heel.
BB: And now... From New Jersey... weighing in at 213 pounds... the Master of Go-Go-Goffer Martial Arts... GOFFER!
(The theme from "The Love Boat" plays as Goffer makes his appearance. He's followed by two armed security guards and a dripping Prmselwvk. Goffer takes off his tanuki cap and hands it to the guards. Piped-in female screams echo around the carpark.)
Skeeter: Another typically strange angle from Christian. Goffers popularity was supposed to stem from the cute l'il tanuki. Which looks like a fat hamster. I didn't get it, but i did what I could.
Leary: BOB does love the piped-in sound effects.
Skeeter: That was my way of saying "No-one's going to pop for your cap, dude."
SW: Y'know, I wonder whether Goffer and Julie ever did the wild thing.. I mean, it wasn't called the Love Boat for nothing, was it?
MM: That's a different Gopher.. and anyway, Julie was probably doing Captain Stubing.. She didn't seem to do much actual work, did she? Cruise Director, my butt!
Skeeter: Yes, that IS pointless padding of the card, folks. Nicely spotted.
Leary: I was gonna let you slide on that one...but you took the heat. Good man.
Skeeter: *laugh* And incidently, my favorite characters were Golpher and the Doc. When I was seven.
BB: Are you two finshed? Good... Introducing next.. One half of the Universal Donors.. "CAP" AL LARRIE!
("Spill The Blood" plays as "Cap" Larrie makes his way to the ring, along with Art Terry and "Bloody" Mary. Lots of extra people at ringside, aren't there.. you can practically smell the screw-jobs a'brewin'...)
Leary: Skeeter's attempt at subtle foreshadowing.
Skeeter: Nothing like a little Detached Commentary...
BB: And, finally... The Ghost of Faded WWF Glory... BIRDBOY!
(A medley of "Fly Away", "Learning to Fly" and "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" plays as Birdboy enters to some not-bad pop... nostalgia sells, I guess...)
Skeeter: This is some foreshadowing all right... "Faded WWF Glory" and "Nostalgia sells". Right, Vince?
Leary: Birdboy was dressed up as a bird, right?
Skeeter: Kind of. Just a pair of clip-on wings.
MM: Ding, ding, ding.. bells gone and we're under way!
SW: We have GOT to splash out and buy a bell next week! It's embarrasing when you just make the "ding, ding, ding" sound!
MM: Have you seen the prices of ring bells recently? We could afford three breakable tables and a pre-cut hockey stick for that!
Leary: Mike doing some kayfabe breaking this time. Scotty's a bad influence on the boy.
Skeeter: I like the idea that there's re-usuable breakable tables for low-budget feds. Cut you overheads at Bob's Discount Plunder!
Leary: *Laugh* Patent that idea.
C: HELRO YOO STOOPID PEEPOLE!
MM: Oh, no! Folks, we've been joined by "Charlie" at this time! Come to do a little color commentary, Charlie?
Skeeter: One of J's STWF guys makes his BOB debut.
Leary: Where "Charlie" goes, Viet Kong usually isn't far behind...could he be the Mysterious Masked Man from last week?
Skeeter: Yeah, right. That would mean I REMEMBER last weeks angles.
C: Yoo shut yoo stoopid mowth, Yankee.. I heer too tell yoo that stoopid Happy Mann, Jussin Voss bee on road too noowere.. Viet Kong, hee smoosh heem into Rice Pattie... Hee hee hee...
Skeeter: I was never very comfortable writing Charlies dialogue. That's probably the longest sentence I dd for him. Everything else was short, simple lines.
Leary: Yep. I am very glad in some ways I wasn't around when J was running this guy and Blackjack Hooligan. I'd put my head through the monitor.
Skeeter: I'm not much good at accents. Both in written form and spoken. On stage i can manage an Irish accent, but everything else is terrible. Or worse, starts OFF as the accent I attempted, then becomes an Irish accent by the end of the sentence.
SW: How eloquent...
C: Me no eloquant.. eloquants have beeg ears an' loong noses..
Skeeter: And that is is fucking AWFUL pun. Probably one of my worst.
Leary: It's so stupid, it's kind of funny. It's BOB all the way.
Skeeter: *laugh* There's always a poistive way to look at it.
MM: Anyway, the match has started in the ring, and we've got a two man beatdown in progresss! "Cap" Larrie is taking some heavy shots from Birdboy and Goffer! Spiked Powerbomb! Great work! Goffer tries a cover.. and receives a legdrop to the back of the head from Birdboy! A pickup from Birdboy.. Birdydriver! Goffer looks stunned from that one.. cover by Birdboy... 1.. 2... save made by Larrie! "Cap" Larrie powerslams Birdboy! Cover.. save by Goffer! Exciting stuff here!
SW: Yeah, right. The same old cover/save/cover combination... let's hope this gets interesting real fast or we'll get our butts kicked by channel 47 again! And they only broadcast Mexican Game Shows
Skeeter: Do they have game shows in Mexico?
Leary: I hope not. Lord knows what those crazy kids would do down there for money. It'd probably put "Fear Factor" to shame.
Skeeter: I wrote a butt-load of BOB pretty much blind. Never been to American, y'know? So some of my ideas are probably way off.
Leary: Can't say I've ever seen anything besides bad Mexican soap operas. It's fun watching the evil Spanish dude with the moustache bully everyone and not having a clue what he's saying.
C: Hee hee hee.. heer come Viet Kong.. now wee gonnna kick soom dookie..
Leary: And we have a dookie reference.
Skeeter: This is probably a record, even for BOB. The Main Event is screwed after, what, thirty seconds? when i reviewed e-feds on the schmucks, I would crucify a fed for that. But alls fair in love and parody.
Leary: Just don't crucify yourself. It's really hard once you've got the one hand nailed up there.
MM: He's right! Viet Kong is on his way to the ring! "Charlie" runs over to join him! Pzremslwvk is blocking his way! Justin Voss has turned his attention to Kong! Look out!! The Mysterious Masked Man(TM) has leapt out of the crowd on the other side of the ring! He's in the ring and he's got a chair! WHAM! Birdboy is blasted clear over the top rope! The Masked Man climbs to the top rope.. Tennesse Jam on the prone Birdboy! What impact! In the ring "Cap" Larrie has waved Art Teery in! The Universal Donors are pounding Goffer! Our Main Event is in chaos!
Skeeter: All our Main Events tend to end up in chaos. I blame it on WCWs' constant "nWo Beatdown" Main events.
Leary: And we don't even have the Pan-Galactic Champion yet desperately trying to hold onto the belt. The run-ins will have to start sooner than, eh?
Skeeter: If they start any faster, the run-in guy will be the first man to reach the ring...
SW: C'mon Pzrmeslwvk... get in there!
MM: And he does! He siezes Art.. running powerbomb! Viet Kong has attacked Voss! A series of huge headbutts! Kong drags Voss to the floor.. they're coming this way...
SW: No! Not the table! We can't afford to replace it...
Leary: Nice. Scotty's worried about the table, not somebody possibly getting hurt.
Skeeter: When you're on the breadline, life is cheap and tables are expensive, I suppose.
MM: And there goes the table! What a chokeslam that was! Kong is beating Voss with whatever he can find!
SW: Put me down! (THUD!) OW! (THUD!)
Skeeter: My "Goon Show" homage... Seagoon: "Back off or I'll hit you with THIS!" Eccles: "Put me down!"
Leary: Now THAT'S chaos. You never saw Bobbie Heenan used as a weapon. He'd have sold it, too... and delivered some quips afterwards. Heenan was the consummate heel commentator. No-one could hit you with better put-downs and one-liners.
Leary: Yep, until WCW beat the life out of him near the end.
Skeeter: WCW has a lot to answer for...
MM: Hey! The STWF's Homicidal Hank just jumped out of the crowd! And he's attacking Viet Kong!
HH: I've been waitin' a long time ta give ya this, ya son-of-a-BLEEP!
SW: Those two were fueding violently, just before Charlies life ban! Hank can really carry a grudge, huh?
Skeeter: Censorsed swearing! there's the biggest difference between BOB '99 and BOB '03.
Leary: Yep. I'm just too fucking lazy to censor myself now.
Skeeter: *laugh* Hank was actually my first e-fed character. I literally created him, entered the STWF and then sent an e-mail to des saying "Ummm.. now what do I do?". Which shows how funny his fed was.
MM: Birdboy and The Masked Man are in the crowd, exchanging punches and kicks! Goffer hits Larrie with a Goffenator! "Bloody" Mary is in there.. LOWBLOW! Goffer's a soprano! Art chairshots Pzremslwvk! He's busted him open! The Donors draw blood! "Kermit" has arrived and is punching everyone in sight! Even XXXtreme is at ringside, but everyone's ignoring him! Jobbers Inc! They're here and getting themselves some as well!
Skeeter: Two firsts there... The first bladejob, and the first sighting of XXXtreme Machine. Already a total outcast, too.
Leary: Was this after the infamous fingering his girlfriend in a bathroom roleplay?
Skeeter: I think so... and it wasn't actually in a bathroom. According to his roleplay, he did it while GOING UP THE RAMP after this in-ring.
Leary: What I wouldn't give to see the originator of that great character at work.
Skeeter: Working at McDonalds, I'd wager.
Leary: Was it you later on who referenced that in an XXXtreme Machine roleplay?
Skeeter: Yep, I had him suddenly remember his "girlfriend", three years later. Suffice it to say, "Brittany" is no longer on the roster, though.
BB: All right you loonies... STOPPPPPP!!!!
And remarkably enough, that worked! The BOSS gets control instantly!
BB: That's because we're running out of broadcast time... Now listen up!! I've made a few descions here! First off.. Universal Donors! Goffer and Pzremslwvk! Since you four seem to want to beat each other up, I'm giving you the chance! Next week at MMM# 3, you'll meet in a secret location for the "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag Team titles! In a "First Juice" Match! And I'll ref that one myself!
Skeeter: And I'll also completely forget the "First Juice" stipulation sometime in the following week.
BB: Number 2! Masked Man! Birdboy! You two are going to clash as well.. in a first round match at "SUM: Title-Palooza"!
MM: Again.. WOW!
Masked Man: Oh, good. Can I take this mask off now?
BB: Sure, why not...
SW: The Mask is coming off! Five bucks says it's "Flash" Flanagan!
Leary: Gotta love blowing off an angle so casually.
Skeeter: Now in explanation of that line... "Flash" Flanagan is actually a real wrestler who had a spin in the WWF. But there was a guy who joined the STWF CLAIMING to be the real "Flash". He even created his own fed, the "Real Deal Wrestling Association". All I can say is, if it WAS the real Flash... his HTML skills are worse than mine. The fed lasted a month.
Leary: The fed was gone in a Flash, eh?
Skeeter: *laugh* You got it. it still lives on in a way... the RDWA tag champs when it closed were... Coma and Flatline.
Leary: Didn't those belts get combined into what is now the Four-Play Tag Titles?
Skeeter: Yep, sure did. They were unified at the STWFs "Supercard" show.
MM: I really hope not! It's.. it's... oh, no.. not him!
SW: Oh, man... it's The Domino!
MM: It is! Former Whatever Wrestling Federation "NQGETBC" Champion, The Domino!
SW: There goes the neighbourhood!
Leary: Oh, baby! It's The Domino!
Skeeter: You love this gimmick, don't you? A blantant rip-off with no illusions that he's anything else BUT a blatant rip-off...
Leary: Pretty much. *Laugh*
Skeeter: I was picking up new guys each week at this point. The trick was getting them on cards in any way, shape or form possible so they didn't get discouraged and quit. Hence all the Masked Men I had on hand.
Leary: Eric Bischoff's head would explode if he was running BOB at this time. Could you imagine all the mask vs. mask matches he would have had?
Skeeter: In this corner... A Mystery guy! And in this corner... wait, no, that corner... another mystery guy!
BB: And finally... Voss! Kong! You two will meet in the Main Event of "SUM: Title-Palooza" in a Bamboo Cage Match for the Swiss Army Belt!
MM: W.. oh, wait, we already knew that!
BB: Yes, but what you didn't know is that.. next week.. Viet Kong will get a warm-up... when he takes on Homicidal Hank! In an inter-fed Grudge Match!
Skeeter: Interrupted mid-shill, but Mike valiently finishes the hype. What a pro.
BB: That's it.. I'm done.. sign off Mike, we're out of time!
MM: You heard him folks.. Until next week, so lo..
(Cut to static)
©1999 BOB Wrestling! (Don't bother to plagarise us, we can't afford a lawyer to sue you...)
Skeeter: That's pretty rich of me, considering how much I stole from other people on that card...
Leary: *Laugh* Can we REALLY copyright other people's jokes.
Skeeter: I really doubt it. Okay, so that was Mayhem number two... thanks for stopping by and letting us ramble pointlessly abput parody!
©1999/2004 BOB Wrestling!