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OOOH YEAH! WHOOO! And Other Annoying Catchphrases..

CAPTION: Earlier Tonight.

(A large truck is shown, pulling up in front of an arena. The BigBOSS is out front, flanked by Lock, Shock and Barry. The truck driver approaches.)

TD: You the BigBOSS?

BB: That's me.. you the guy from "Frank's Super-Discount Furnishings"?

TD: Yup. Gotcha order here.. Lemme see.. 6 kitset announce tables, 2 Spanish announce tables, 2 Spanish Announcers, 2 coffee tables, 1 glass-topped dining table, 3 small occasional tables and 1 full-sized pool table.. sign here!

BB: This had better get the buy-rates up... I can't believe how much this Battle Royal is going to cost...

(Cross-fade to the opening titles.)

We open with a montage of action from MMM 1 and 2, before cutting to the B. Brian Blair Arena in Normansdale, Utah. The 250-odd fans are doing their best to make a little noise, and some signs are in evidence. (Most notably "Security Stole my STWF Sign" and "Do We have a Bell Yet?") We pick up Mike "The Monotone" and Scotty Whatbody, who are sitting in the fron row of the arena.

MM: Welcome everyone to the BIGGEST MAYHEM EVER! I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, along with Scotty Whatbody! GBH is away this morning...

SW: Yeah, he's applying for Mensa... Mike, why are we in the stands this week?

MM: Well, Viet Kong put Justin Voss through our table last week, and the replacement is in the middle of THAT!

(The shot widens out to reveal the ring, surrounded on all sides by a dozen assorted tables.)

MM: And, besides, with our main event being a "Through-the-Table" Battle Royal, this is the safest place to be..

SW: Good thinking, Mikey!

MM: Well, there's going to be three title matches tonight.. plus the special inter-fed grudge match! and with "Send Us Money: Title-Palooza" just a week away, there's bound to be screwjobs galore! So let's go to our first match straight away! The Tag Titles are up for grabs in a secret location...

(We cut to a dingy basement. Goffer, Pzremslwvk, The Universal Donors and The BigBOSS are in a ring made of cardboard boxes and twine.)

BB: Okay, so I'll be nice and liberal with the count and DQ's.. so get nice and hardcore... the ratings sucked last week..

Goffer: Camera's here!

BB: (Loudly) You WILL respect my authority! I'll DQ any man who gets out of line! All Right... LET'S GET IT ON!

MM: And the fight is on! It looks to me like they're in the basement of BOB Towers! Goffer and Art Teery lock it up! Arm-drag takedown from Goffer! Art sprawls in the dust! Goffer picks him up and delivers a standing dropkick! Good skills! A spinning toe-hold applied.. "Cap" Larrie is in.. Bulldog headlock from the blindside! The BigBOSS ushers him out again, but the damage is already done! Pzremslwvk enters while the BOSS's back is turned.. Reverse Gut-Wrench Facejam!

SW: Interesting move! This one's breaking down early! Goffer and The Vowel-ishly Challenged one are double teaming Art!

MM: You said it! Double Hangmans Neckbreaker!! Goffer covers.. The BOSS is still berating "Cap" Larrie.. Art kicks out! The BOSS turns his attention back to the match as Goffer whips Art to the ropes.. drops his head.. OH! Float-over DDT flattens Goffer! Nice recovery! Art rolls over to Larrie and tags out! The superior officer is in, and putting the boots to Goffer! A series of hard elbow-drops! Larrie goes to the top rope..

SW: Bad move! There was no way that cheap twine was going to hold his weight!

MM: Goffer crawls towards his partner.. can he make it? he's just inches away... Art leaps in and drops a crushing elbow to the back of Goffers head! Pzremslwvk is outraged at that dirty tactic! He leaps into the fray! Double-Underhook Tilt-a-Whirl Powerslam!

SW: They certainly use unique moves in Krapteria!

MM: All four men are brawling in the ring now! the BigBOSS can't control this action! Goffer reaches into his tights! He's got a switchblade comb! He flicks it out and gouges Art's arm with it!

Art: OW! Hey, you made me bleed!

"Cap" Larrie: Don't just stand there, Art, save some of that plasma for the Blood Bank! Whoa!

MM: Pzremslwvk scoops up Larrie... GROSSCK PABHOOMT!!!

SW: Geshundeit.

MM: No, you idiot.. the fabled jumping powerbomb/cover combo! The BOSS counts.. 1..2...SAVE BY ART! So close! Goffer charges in.. GO-GO-GOFFER DROPKICK! Art tumbles out of the ring! Goffer launches a GO-GO-GOFFER plancha at him! Amazing high impact offense here! Al rakes the eyes of Pzremslwvk and chases Goffer out! Clothesline to the back of Goffers head! The Donors scoop up Goffer and powerbomb him into a box of returned paychecks!

SW: That would cushion the fall nicely.. I haven't had a paycheck clear on the first attempt since I signed with BOB!

MM: The Donors drag Goffer up the stairs and into the BOB corporate offices! Fortunatly, it's too early for the secraterial pool to have shown up for work, so the place is just about perfect for a Hardcore Cubicle Rumble! And that's just what's happening! Goffer has his head slammed onto the photocopier! He struggles to break free.. OH! That's the most effective use of a potted plant since Homicidal Hank's last match! And don't forget.. Homicidal Hank and Viet Kong.. One-on-One at the top of the hour!

SW: So don't go switching over to that Tellytubbies Marathon on PBS!

MM: Goffer is taking on both the Donors by himself! Where the heck is Pzremslwvk? Goffer springboards off a desk and nails Art with a flying forearm! Art ends up in the stationery closet! Goffer slams the door on Arts head! That's gotta leave a mark! But behind Goffer, Larrie has a water cooler! He hefts it high...


MM: OH! Goffer is down! I think he's out! We've got new champions coming up!

SW: Hold the phone.. here comes Pzremslwvk! He's got his sheep-loaded cannon! The Captain is right in his sights...


MM: Direct hit with Kritch! The Captain is out cold! So's the sheep... Pzremslwvk covers..1..2..3! New Champions! New Champions!


MM: Unbelievable! A non-screwjob title change! this really might be the GREATEST MAYHEM EVER!

SW: Well, with only three to choose from, you're probably right, Mike!

MM: Let's go to a commercial, and then we'll be right back with the Swiss Army Title match!

"SEND US MONEY: TITLE-PALOOZA" is just a week away!

Call your cable operator now! And he'll probably laugh at you for wanting it!

"SUM:Title-Palooza" Destined to be the cheapest, suckiest Pay-per-View EVER!

This advertisement brought to you by The Truth In Advertising Commision.

MM: And we're back! It's time for the Mystery Opponent match! Over to you Scuzz!

Scuzz: Ladies and gentlemen.. This match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the "Swiss Army" Belt! Introducing first, from Portland, Oregon.. weighing in at 276 pounds... "THE STEREOTYPED FACE", JUSTINNNNN VOSS!

(Suspiciously gargantuan pop for the Ultra-Face champ.. overdubbed with "VOSS-MANNN" chnats.)

SW: Scuzz sounds much better since we banned him from drinking on the job, don't you think?

Scuzz: And his opponent.. from Small Town, North Dakota..

SW: Oh, no.. not this.. Please, not him!

Scuzz: ..weighing 256 pounds... XXXTREME MACHINE!

(XXXtreme Machine enters to an inaudible version of "XXXtreme" by some garage band with no name... The music cuts off abruptly. Stunned silence from the fans.)

SW: You have GOT to be kidding me... XXXtreme gets a title shot? Didn't he quit?

MM: Yes, but he's still under contract... and the BOSS hates guys who breach their contracts.. The Generic Ref calls for the bell...


SW: An air-horn?

MM: We spent our budget on the tables this week... maybe we'll have a bell in time for "Send Us Money".... They go to lock up...


MM: GRINBREAKER! GRINBREAKER! GRINBREAKER! Right off the bat!! A cover!! 1..2..3!!!!


Scuzz: Here is your winner.. and STILL "Swiss Army Belt" champion... JUSTINNNN VOSS!

SW: What the hell happened? I blinked and missed it!

MM: What's happening? The BOSS is on his way to the ring with "Kermit"!

BB: Try to quit, huh? "Kermit", here's your gun... go nuts!

"Kermit": Thanks BOSS! HEY, XXXtreme!! Take THIS! (WHACK!) And THIS! (SMACK!!) And some of these! (THUMP THUMP THUMP!!!)

MM: Good Lord! A BOSS-Sanctioned pistol whipping is in progress! This is terrible...


SW: OW! Right in XXXtremes foot!

BB: Well, just let this be a lesson to anyone who tries to break their contracts around here!

MM: Hold on! Here comes Jobbers Inc.!!! They're dragging "Kermit" off XXXtreme! Super Mollusc dropkicks "Kermit" to the ropes! Xenomorph applies The Neck Pinch! "Kermit" is fading! And he's out! What's going on?

Super Mollusc: Come with us, XXXtreme.. you're with friends now...

XXXtreme: what? i don't want to join you guys.. you guys suck... i'm not a jobber.. i'm hardcore.. really i am..

MM: Well, XXXtreme has been helped away by Jobbers Inc, still babbling incoherantly... I think they just recruited him...

SW: I'm sure he'll fit in nicely...

MM: Well, it's on to our special inter-fed grudge match.. Viet kong and Homicidal Hank renew their vicious rivalry from last year... take it away Scuzz!

Scuzz: Ladies an' gennemen.. thish contesht ish for one fall..*hic*.. innerducing first.. with his manager, King Spike... weighing 257 poundsh.. HOMICIDAL HANK!

SW: Hey, where did Scuzz find that bottle of Night Train?

("Du Hast" by Rammstein plays as Homicidal Hank appears to a huge pop. We pan across a group of STWF fans wearing "Hank 19:50" shirts.. one wit in the middle holds up a sign reading "Has Monster Bash Finished Yet?")

Scuzz: An' hish opponent.. weigin'.. lots... VIET KONG!

(The speed remake of the Charlies Angels' Theme by Vietallica plays as V.K and Charlie walk to The ring amid a shower of trash. Viet Kong catches and eats most of it...)

MM: Well, here we go... one of the most anticipated rematches in years is finally here! The 14-fingered genetic monstrosity versus the man for whom sanity means washing you hands before you cook...


MM: Horns gone, we're underway! Test-of-strength in the center of the ring! And right from the get-go, Kong is winning it! There's nothing like four extra fingers to give you some extra leverage in a Greco-Roman knuckle-lock! Hank is forced to his knees.. OOOH! Headbutt to the crotch!

SW: That's using your head, Hank!

MM: Kong sinks to his knees and gets his jaw jacked by Hank! Short clothesline! Hank grabs a big handful of chest hair and hurls Kong across the ring with it! This is vicious stuff, folks! Viet Kong rakes the eyes to regain control! High knee! A whip to the ropes.. HUGE spear! Hank's down, but Kong doesn't even attempt a cover! A series of stinging lefts! Snapemare takedown.. and Viet Kong delivers an elbow between Hank's eyes! Kong slides out to the floor... well, out to the nearest table anyway.. we can hardly see the floor.. and Kong's got the Big Box O' Hardcore Props! Hank rolls to the opposite side of the ring...

SW: That's thinking ahead.. Hank bought his own bag of weapons!

MM: Kong attacks with a Singapore Cane! Hank has a barbed-wire covered Smurf doll on a chain! This could get bloody folks!

SW: If we're lucky!

MM: Kong breaks the cane over Hanks cranium! He tries to get another weapon.. Hank launches a flying headbutt!


MM: WOW! Both men just wiped out the glass-topped dining table we had set up for the Battle Royal! And they hardly even noticed! They're in the crowd... why isn't our cameraman following them?

SW: I don't think he's on danger money...

MM: Hank and Kong have vanished into the backstage area, folks! The sounds of destruction from back there tell us the fight is still on, but we'll have to come back to them later.. in the meantime, we may as well go to our Main Event!

SW: Yeah, that makes sense..

Scuzz: Ladies an' gennle.. genna.. fellas.. this is da Battle Royal for da "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Championship.. inner.. inner.. aw, the hell withit..

MM: Thanks, Scuzz.. nice try... Well, here come the competitors.. I see Super Mollusc, Mr X, Alex "No Gimmick" Smith, and XXXtreme Machine representing Jobbers Inc. Behind them is our new Tag champs, Goffer and Przstlwvk. The Domino, G.I Slow and The Universal Donors are close behind...

SW: And speaking of behinds, "Bloody" Mary has a nice looking...

MM: Don't even go there! Birdboy, "Kermit" and Justin Voss making their appearances now.. following them.. no-one? Is that all?

SW: We really need to expand our roster...

MM: I've just been told that Neige Thirteen, S.M.P and DJ Rawkus and MC Carjack were asked by the BigBOSS not to participate, so as to save money on tables and appearance fees... that would explain it.

SW: BOB! Cheap and crappy and damn proud of it!

MM: And here we go! The rules are simple folks. To be eliminated, a participant must be thrown over the top rope and through a table! Last man standing gets the belt!

SW: My moneys on "Kermit"! He's the most hardcore man in there! Five bucks says he takes it!

MM: I'll take a piece of that action... and speaking of action there's almost too much to call here! The Universal Donors are double teaming The Domino! Mr X has Goffer in a headlock, but he's getting pummeled by "Kermit" from behind! Super Mollusc levels G.I Slow with a Tornado DDT! XXtreme machine is looking for someone to fight.. he finds Pzremslwvk.. Pzremslwvk grabs XXXtreme by the throat.. CHOKESLAM OVER THE TOP ROPE! Right through the occasional table! XXXtreme Machine is gone!

SW: So long, Mr Hardcore! C'mon Kermit! You can do it, buddy!

MM: "Cap" Larrie takes a big clothesline from Birdboy! Asahi moonsault! Justin Voss doing a little Bronco Busting on The Domino! "Kermit" doubles up Super Mollusc with a shot to the solar plexus! AXE KICK!

SW: Is your mike malfunctioning again, or are you just getting excited?

MM: "Kermit" scoops Super Mollusc up in a powerbomb postion.. running powerbomb through the Spanish announcers table! What a move! The leader of Jobbers Inc. is history!

SW: YEAH! Go get 'em, Kermy!

MM: "Kermit" is going wild in there! Dropkick on Birdboy! Knife-edge chop for Alex Smith! OH! Art Teeery just stopped "Kermit" in his tracks with a lowblow! And Art lays him out with The Transfusion!

SW: Art's getting cocky! Look at the little Ali shuffle...

MM: It doesn't impress Goffer any.. GO-GO-GOFFER KICK! Art tumbles over and through a kitset annouce table! "Cap" Larrie comes to his partners aid too late.. Flying tackle! Goffer is blasted out of the ring and into the remains of the same table! That counts! Goffer is gone! Pzremslwvk and Larrie are duking it out now! G. I Slow gives them a nudge with one titanic thigh and they both go out!! Straight through a coffee table!

SW: All four of the top-ranked tag team members on the floor.. and here comes the time-honoured all-in brawl..

MM: All the way up the aisle!

SW: You can't beat the classics, huh Mike?

MM: No siree, Scotty! And while that was happening, Mr X was eliminated.. by whom, I couldn't say! Eight men left.. Birdboy, Voss, Alex Smith, "Kermit", Slow and The Domino! We're getting down to the nitty-gritty now! Superkick from Voss sends Alex Smith out and onto the pool table!


MM: But it doesn't break! Alex is still in this thing! "Kermit" and Birdboy give The Domino a double DDT! Nicely done! G.I Slow chops Voss to the ropes.. he waddles backwards.. he's getting a run-up.. Voss moves out of the way! G.I Slow is half way across the ring, but he can't stop himself!

SW: Momentum's a b-BLEEP-h, aint it Slow?

MM: And the mammoth military man tumbles over the ropes like a calving iceberg!


MM: That broke the pool table! Lucky for Smith he got off in time!

SW: HEY! Here comes Hank and Kong!

MM: You're right! They burst out of the crowd, still battling furiously! Hank's found a packing case and is slamming it into Kongs skull! They're in the ring!! Kong launches himself at Hank! Hank ducks.. and Kong just eliminated "Kermit"!!! He couldn't get out of the way in time!


MM: Pay up, Scotty!


MM: Hank throws the case.. and Alex Smith gets it in the head! He's out cold in the center of the ring! Charlie throws Kong a chair.. and he waffles Justin Voss with it! And again! Voss stumbles back.. and over the top rope! There goes the Swiss Army Champ!!!

SW: And the second Spanish Announce table!

MM: Hank siezes the advantage and rolls Kong up from behind.. 1..2..3! Hank gets the pinfall!

SW: I don't think Viet Kong cares! He slides out to the floor and is pounding nine colors of hell out of Voss! Look at him go to work! I've never seen a punking quite like it! This is brutal! Hank just picks up his geranium and leaves... get it? Geranium? Plant? Leaves? Ha hahahaha!

MM: Hilarious, Scotty... In the ring, The Domino and Birdboy are struggling wildly.. Alex Smith is still out! Birdboy and Domino are leaning way too far over the ropes..


SW: And there they go!


SW: It's over! Does this mean what I think it means?

Scuzz: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWWWW "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Champion... ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH!

SW: You're kidding me! Is this a joke?

MM: I hope so! Wait, here comes the BOSS!

BB: Well, this is interesting.. not quite what I had in mind, though. Alex, wake up!

A"NG"S: Huh? Wha' happened...?

BB: You're the new champ... congratulations.. Now, get ready, because you'll have to start defending the title.. what would you prefer, a "Pirhana Pit" Match? An "Electrified Barbwire Rope" match? A "Cat-O'-Nine-Tails" match? Or a..


BB: Did he just faint?

SW: I think so...

BB: He can't faint! There's no fainting in wrestling! Give me that belt back! I'm stripping him of the title! And do you know why? Because there's no fainting in wrestling!!! Birdboy, Domino.. you two were the last eliminated... so, here's the deal... Your match at "Send Us Money".. will be for the Hardcore Championship!


SW: Nicely put...

MM: Amazing! "SUM:TP" gets better and better! Folks, we're out of time.. so for Scotty Whatbody, I'm Mike Monroe, saying so long, and we'll see you at "TITLE-PALOOZA"!!!

©1999 BOB Wrestling!


© BOB Wrestling!

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