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Skeeter: Okay then, hello and welcome back to BOB's DVD commentaries. This is show three of the two-month long "Season 1". I'm Steve "Skeeter" Skeet...

Leary: Along with his trusty sidekick and resident spellchecker, John Leary.

Skeeter: All righty, then... Let's get straight to it!

MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 3!

OOOH YEAH! WHOOO! And Other Annoying Catchphrases..

Skeeter: Nice simple tagline, there.

Leary: Did you have any other show names in mind before settling on Monday Morning Mayhem?

Skeeter: Umm, not really. I tended to grab the first idea that hit me and run with it. I do like alliteration, though. Occasionally I'd spitball for a while, jot down a list of names at work, y'know? Mainly for Pay-Per-View names, though.

CAPTION: Earlier Tonight.

(A large truck is shown, pulling up in front of an arena. The BigBOSS is out front, flanked by Lock, Shock and Barry. The truck driver approaches.)

TD: You the BigBOSS?

Skeeter: This is my first WWF/WCW inspired cold opening, I think.

BB: That's me.. you the guy from "Frank's Super-Discount Furnishings"?

TD: Yup. Gotcha order here.. Lemme see.. 6 kitset announce tables, 2 Spanish announce tables, 2 Spanish Announcers, 2 coffee tables, 1 glass-topped dining table, 3 small occasional tables and 1 full-sized pool table.. sign here!

Leary: Ahh, this was setting up some over-the-top table match, right?

Skeeter: Sure was. I quite liked the idea of having the guy deliver the Spanish Announcers along with the tables. Whether they were part of the package or you had to hire them seperately is a question I never addressed, though.

Leary: Hopefully they had their citizenship papers anyhow. Though for some reason I highly doubt it. Mail order Spanish announcers, direct for Mexico!

Skeeter: Ole.

BB: This had better get the buy-rates up... I can't believe how much this Battle Royal is going to cost...

(Cross-fade to the opening titles.)

Skeeter: And there we are... third show and the first BOb battle royal. That's pretty restrained for me.

Leary: We've been trying to make up for it ever since. When in doubt, have a battle royal.

Skeeter: That's pretty much BOB's Standard Operating procedure, all right. they tend to be fairly easy to write for me. No need to worry about flow and transitions, just have the announce point out spots.

We open with a montage of action from MMM 1 and 2, before cutting to the B. Brian Blair Arena in Normansdale, Utah. The 250-odd fans are doing their best to make a little noise, and some signs are in evidence. (Most notably "Security Stole my STWF Sign" and "Do We have a Bell Yet?") We pick up Mike "The Monotone" and Scotty Whatbody, who are sitting in the fron row of the arena.

Leary: *Laugh* The STWF sign a nod to the Monday Night Wars.

Skeeter: Yep. And thearena itself is a nod to the Killer Bees, of course. I invented "Normansdale" because I wanted a place that sounded kind of dull. And if your town is named after a guy called 'Norman', it probably is.

Leary: Unless it was named for Norman the Lunatic. Remember that fat, crazy dude from WCW?

Skeeter: Yep... THEN it'd be a rockin' place. *laugh* I probably could have dropped a hyphen too... 250 odd fans. You'd have to be odd to go to a BOB show.

MM: Welcome everyone to the BIGGEST MAYHEM EVER! I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, along with Scotty Whatbody! GBH is away this morning...

SW: Yeah, he's applying for Mensa... Mike, why are we in the stands this week?

MM: Well, Viet Kong put Justin Voss through our table last week, and the replacement is in the middle of THAT!

Skeeter: A rare example of continuity in my writing...

Leary: I'm noticing Monroe uses the exclamation points a lot back here. I always figured him for not showing much "emotion" with his Monotone moniker.

Skeeter: J mentioned that too... But if you watch the old Collesium tapes with sean Mooney, you'd see he could get quite into it, but still deliver every line in the same tone of voice. Mike's like that, i think.

Leary: That does sound vaguely familiar. I'll have to dig out some old Mooney tapes and revel in his mediocrity again.

Skeeter: *laugh*

(The shot widens out to reveal the ring, surrounded on all sides by a dozen assorted tables.)

MM: And, besides, with our main event being a "Through-the-Table" Battle Royal, this is the safest place to be..

SW: Good thinking, Mikey!

Skeeter: "Mikey"? Scotty and Mike are starting to gel as a team, I guess.

Leary: That's almost like hearing Mulder call Scully "Dana." Just so strange. *Laugh*

MM: Well, there's going to be three title matches tonight.. plus the special inter-fed grudge match! and with "Send Us Money: Title-Palooza" just a week away, there's bound to be screwjobs galore! So let's go to our first match straight away! The Tag Titles are up for grabs in a secret location...

Skeeter: I think it's the law that you HAVE to have run-ins and mayhem before a major Pay-Per-View. I always loved the WWF show before the Survivor Series, because you ALWAYS got at least two teams beating each other up to end the show.

Leary: And when it was a really big pay-per-view, you had the entire roster come out for no apparent reason and brawl everywhere. I think BOB's had a few of those complete scenes of chaos finishes.

Skeeter: I'm certain we did. I like confusing, chaotic brawls... in moderation of course.

(We cut to a dingy basement. Goffer, Pzremslwvk, The Universal Donors and The BigBOSS are in a ring made of cardboard boxes and twine.)

BB: Okay, so I'll be nice and liberal with the count and DQ's.. so get nice and hardcore... the ratings sucked last week..

Goffer: Camera's here!

BB: (Loudly) You WILL respect my authority! I'll DQ any man who gets out of line! All Right... LET'S GET IT ON!

Leary: Hello, Cartman.

Skeeter: Two years before Eric even arrived, I think. I should sue.

MM: And the fight is on! It looks to me like they're in the basement of BOB Towers! Goffer and Art Teery lock it up! Arm-drag takedown from Goffer! Art sprawls in the dust! Goffer picks him up and delivers a standing dropkick! Good skills! A spinning toe-hold applied.. "Cap" Larrie is in.. Bulldog headlock from the blindside! The BigBOSS ushers him out again, but the damage is already done! Pzremslwvk enters while the BOSS's back is turned.. Reverse Gut-Wrench Facejam!

Skeeter: I have NO idea how you'd do a Reverse Gut-Wrench Facejam. Don't try this at home, kids... you'll just look stupid.

Leary: And there was the dreaded spinning toe-hold. Didn't Foley joke about how that's one of the stupidest moves ever?

Skeeter: I agree. Let's face it, you're twisting his knee a good, what, 45 degrees. Ooh, painful.

SW: Interesting move! This one's breaking down early! Goffer and The Vowel-ishly Challenged one are double teaming Art!

MM: You said it! Double Hangmans Neckbreaker!! Goffer covers.. The BOSS is still berating "Cap" Larrie.. Art kicks out! The BOSS turns his attention back to the match as Goffer whips Art to the ropes.. drops his head.. OH! Float-over DDT flattens Goffer! Nice recovery! Art rolls over to Larrie and tags out! The superior officer is in, and putting the boots to Goffer! A series of hard elbow-drops! Larrie goes to the top rope..

Leary: I wonder if that P-dude choose his name by reading alphabet soup or if that actually means something.

Skeeter: The story was that his family was too poor to afford many vowels. So he only got two...

Leary: Ah, good enough reasoning, I suppose.

SNAP! THUD!

SW: Bad move! There was no way that cheap twine was going to hold his weight!

Skeeter: Second time in a week that cheap twine causes someone's downfall...

Leary: Yep, twine would barely be good enough to hold up wrestling action figures, I'd wager.

MM: Goffer crawls towards his partner.. can he make it? he's just inches away... Art leaps in and drops a crushing elbow to the back of Goffers head! Pzremslwvk is outraged at that dirty tactic! He leaps into the fray! Double-Underhook Tilt-a-Whirl Powerslam!

SW: They certainly use unique moves in Krapteria!

Leary: Mix and match spots?

Skeeter: I decided to use strange combos for Pzremlswvk pretty early. He spoke no English and was managed by a sheep, so I figured his moveset had to be fairly unique.

MM: All four men are brawling in the ring now! the BigBOSS can't control this action! Goffer reaches into his tights! He's got a switchblade comb! He flicks it out and gouges Art's arm with it!

Art: OW! Hey, you made me bleed!

"Cap" Larrie: Don't just stand there, Art, save some of that plasma for the Blood Bank! Whoa

Leary: That is such a strange, strange gimmick for the Donors.

Skeeter: Yeah, it was really. And there lay the problem. There was no-where we could take it. Goffers weapon probably came from those switchblade combs in the adverts in the back of 70's comics. Next to the X-Ray Spex and Charles Atlas books.

Leary: Man, I just remembered at least one or two kids who had those combs back when I was in elementary school. I thought they were so cool back then.

Skeeter: Gotta wonder how many people were accidently knifed after flicking them out in the wrong place, though...

Leary: Yep. They were the rebels....with nicely groomed hair.

Skeeter: *laugh*

MM: Pzremslwvk scoops up Larrie... GROSSCK PABHOOMT!!!

SW: Geshundeit.

Skeeter: Easiest joke of the night.

Leary: Nice...

MM: No, you idiot.. the fabled jumping powerbomb/cover combo! The BOSS counts.. 1..2...SAVE BY ART! So close! Goffer charges in.. GO-GO-GOFFER DROPKICK! Art tumbles out of the ring! Goffer launches a GO-GO-GOFFER plancha at him! Amazing high impact offense here! Al rakes the eyes of Pzremslwvk and chases Goffer out! Clothesline to the back of Goffers head! The Donors scoop up Goffer and powerbomb him into a box of returned paychecks!

SW: That would cushion the fall nicely.. I haven't had a paycheck clear on the first attempt since I signed with BOB!

Leary: I always thought that was such a great joke, the returned paychecks. I've tried to find a way to work that in again on a show I've written, but haven't as yet.

Skeeter: Well, four years down the track, we've probably got an entire warehouse full of them...

MM: The Donors drag Goffer up the stairs and into the BOB corporate offices! Fortunatly, it's too early for the secraterial pool to have shown up for work, so the place is just about perfect for a Hardcore Cubicle Rumble! And that's just what's happening! Goffer has his head slammed onto the photocopier! He struggles to break free.. OH! That's the most effective use of a potted plant since Homicidal Hank's last match! And don't forget.. Homicidal Hank and Viet Kong.. One-on-One at the top of the hour!

SW: So don't go switching over to that Tellytubbies Marathon on PBS!

Skeeter: Mike switches effortlessly into Schivonne-mode to plug another match. Nitro had just started screening on TV in New Zealand, as you can clearly see.

Leary: And Scotty switched into Bischoff mode, trashing the competition. If only he had given out the results from Teletubbies on the air.

Skeeter: *laugh* Tinky Winky goes over Laa-laa while the other two shout "again1 Again!' Yeah, that'll put butts in seats.

Leary: *Laugh*

MM: Goffer is taking on both the Donors by himself! Where the heck is Pzremslwvk? Goffer springboards off a desk and nails Art with a flying forearm! Art ends up in the stationery closet! Goffer slams the door on Arts head! That's gotta leave a mark! But behind Goffer, Larrie has a water cooler! He hefts it high...

CRUNCH!

Skeeter: Those water coolers weight a fucking ton when they're full. I'd have to hope we used a nice, non-concussing empty.

MM: OH! Goffer is down! I think he's out! We've got new champions coming up!

SW: Hold the phone.. here comes Pzremslwvk! He's got his sheep-loaded cannon! The Captain is right in his sights...

Skeeter: The sheep-loaded cannon... that's the best example of Christian on a GOOD day. He wrote a great promo with P and G going to a Discount Hardcore Weapons Emporium. After I spurted coke out my nose reading it, he was a shoo-in for the titles. And that's Coke as in "Cola", by the way...

Leary: *Laugh* That is one of the more legendary bits. Has a bit of a Monty Python/Looney Toons to it.

Skeeter: Or for the video gamecrowd, the sheep-launchers in "Worms: Armageddon".

BOOOOM-BAAAAAA-THUD!

MM: Direct hit with Kritch! The Captain is out cold! So's the sheep... Pzremslwvk covers..1..2..3! New Champions! New Champions!

Scuzz: Here are your winners...and NEWWWWWW "YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS" TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS.. GOFFER AND PZREMSLWVK!

Leary: Man, could you imagine the outcry from animal activists if that aired on a wrestling show.

Skeeter: We would be SO fucking dead. So would the sheep, but that's what mint sauce was invented for...

Leary: Everyone would get new sweaters too, assuming somebody in BOB can knit.

Skeeter: *laugh*

MM: Unbelievable! A non-screwjob title change! this really might be the GREATEST MAYHEM EVER!

SW: Well, with only three to choose from, you're probably right, Mike!

MM: Let's go to a commercial, and then we'll be right back with the Swiss Army Title match!

Skeeter: And there's an example of Mike playing the early version of Mark Shill...

Leary: Yep. For that line, we would have had to call him Smark Shill. Mike mentioning screwjobs. At this point, BOB was laying waste to all wrestling rules. It's so much fun to watch it happen from the beginning again. See the de-evolution.

"SEND US MONEY: TITLE-PALOOZA" is just a week away!

Call your cable operator now! And he'll probably laugh at you for wanting it!

"SUM:Title-Palooza" Destined to be the cheapest, suckiest Pay-per-View EVER!

This advertisement brought to you by The Truth In Advertising Commision.

Skeeter: I'm nothing if not honest, huh?

Leary: Yep. Now BOB lies like the rest of them.

Skeeter: Only more so.

MM: And we're back! It's time for the Mystery Opponent match! Over to you Scuzz!

Scuzz: Ladies and gentlemen.. This match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the "Swiss Army" Belt! Introducing first, from Portland, Oregon.. weighing in at 276 pounds... "THE STEREOTYPED FACE", JUSTINNNNN VOSS!

Skeeter: Two-seventy-six? That's actually a lot heavier than I imagained Voss to be. Especially with the hurricanrana finisher.

Leary: The heavyweight luchadore, I suppose.

Skeeter: Brutus Beefcake without all the high knees...

(Suspiciously gargantuan pop for the Ultra-Face champ.. overdubbed with "VOSS-MANNN" chnats.)

SW: Scuzz sounds much better since we banned him from drinking on the job, don't you think?

Skeeter: A little Goldberg-ian audio sweetening in progress...

Leary: And here, I'm guessing, you just weren't in the mood to do Sduzz's incoherant introductions.

Skeeter: Well, it's more like my first attempt to add variation to his character. It doesn't last long, though.

Scuzz: And his opponent.. from Small Town, North Dakota..

SW: Oh, no.. not this.. Please, not him!

Scuzz: ..weighing 256 pounds... XXXTREME MACHINE!

Leary: Ah, it's been such a fun ride with XXXtreme Machine since this point. He's REALLY gone downhill.

Skeeter: It's still amazing to me that this guy is still around, after his handler up and quit a fortnight in to the fed. I often wonder if he ever came back and saw what happened to his guy.

(XXXtreme Machine enters to an inaudible version of "XXXtreme" by some garage band with no name... The music cuts off abruptly. Stunned silence from the fans.)

SW: You have GOT to be kidding me... XXXtreme gets a title shot? Didn't he quit?

Skeeter: That was actually how he phrased it in his bio, too. "A gargae band no-one cares about".

MM: Yes, but he's still under contract... and the BOSS hates guys who breach their contracts.. The Generic Ref calls for the bell...

HOOOOOONNNNK!

SW: An air-horn?

Skeeter: More fun with the bell... I really tried to push the "No Money" concept at the start. It's proably less prevalant now, what with our Matrix-Like special effects.

Leary: Yeah. Skimping on paying the most important people in the wrestling company -- the wrestlers -- to pay for anything else. Just like how most of the world works.

MM: We spent our budget on the tables this week... maybe we'll have a bell in time for "Send Us Money".... They go to lock up...

THUMP!

MM: GRINBREAKER! GRINBREAKER! GRINBREAKER! Right off the bat!! A cover!! 1..2..3!!!!

HOOOOOOONNNK!

Skeeter: Match of the Year! Encore, encore!

Leary: Ah, just like a Tyson fight. Without the ear-biting anyway...

Scuzz: Here is your winner.. and STILL "Swiss Army Belt" champion... JUSTINNNN VOSS!

SW: What the hell happened? I blinked and missed it!

MM: What's happening? The BOSS is on his way to the ring with "Kermit"!

BB: Try to quit, huh? "Kermit", here's your gun... go nuts!

Leary: I keep noticing Voss referred to as the Swiss Army Belt Champion. The redundancy is kinda funny there.

Skeeter: Yeah, you couldn't really just say the "Swiss Army" Champion. Or he'd have to remain neutral, and never defend the thing.

Leary: And BigBOSS plays a bit of mafia boss here.

Skeeter: Anything to get more on-screen time and up his "Heel Boss" potetial.

"Kermit": Thanks BOSS! HEY, XXXtreme!! Take THIS! (WHACK!) And THIS! (SMACK!!) And some of these! (THUMP THUMP THUMP!!!)

MM: Good Lord! A BOSS-Sanctioned pistol whipping is in progress! This is terrible...

BANG!

SW: OW! Right in XXXtremes foot!

Leary: I always had so much fun degrading people who left in serious efeds. I remember back when I was in my first serious efed booking, I came up with something called a "Life Sucks, Then You Get Fired" battle royal and had the president character trash all the character who had quit. I never did go the pistol-whipping route though.

Skeeter: Did I take things too far by having Kermit actually shoot the guy, though? Admittedly, it wouldn't be out of place nowadays, and he'd get anally raped in the bargain, but still...

Leary: You were on the cutting edge here. See? BOB set the trends of extreme violence to quitters.

Skeeter: It's nice to be an innovator.

BB: Well, just let this be a lesson to anyone who tries to break their contracts around here!

MM: Hold on! Here comes Jobbers Inc.!!! They're dragging "Kermit" off XXXtreme! Super Mollusc dropkicks "Kermit" to the ropes! Xenomorph applies The Neck Pinch! "Kermit" is fading! And he's out! What's going on?

Skeeter: Xenomorph gets a chance to use his finisher. I'm glad we got to see it at least once.

Leary: The funniest part here is that XXXtreme Machine is STILL paying four years later for quitting.

Skeeter: I can hold a grudge for along time, especially if it's still funny to me.

Super Mollusc: Come with us, XXXtreme.. you're with friends now...

XXXtreme: what? i don't want to join you guys.. you guys suck... i'm not a jobber.. i'm hardcore.. really i am..

Skeeter: Good God, look how coherant he was back then...

Leary: I know, man. It's so funny to compare him from here to the latest BOB shows.

Skeeter: From non-capitalised "I"s to "holly krat" in so short a time.

MM: Well, XXXtreme has been helped away by Jobbers Inc, still babbling incoherantly... I think they just recruited him...

SW: I'm sure he'll fit in nicely...

MM: Well, it's on to our special inter-fed grudge match.. Viet kong and Homicidal Hank renew their vicious rivalry from last year... take it away Scuzz!

Leary: Hank was your first efed character, right? Or was it Kamikazie Ken?

Skeeter: Yep, Hank. Ken developed later after I did a long series of promos based around the re-union party of 'Pennsylvania Total Psycho Wrestling". Ken was first seen stage-diving onto an empty dance floor. Coma and Flatline came from the same promo.

Leary: Did you make him for the STWF, or a serious efed? Hank, I mean.

Skeeter: STWF all the way. Ken was meant to be the same, but oddly, he ended up in more 'serious' feds than parody ones. I always planned to bring Hank into Blood, Sweat and Chairs, but the fed closed before i ever did.

Scuzz: Ladies an' gennemen.. thish contesht ish for one fall..*hic*.. innerducing first.. with his manager, King Spike... weighing 257 poundsh.. HOMICIDAL HANK!

SW: Hey, where did Scuzz find that bottle of Night Train?

Skeeter: And that's the last time we see a sober Scuzz. Spike was Hanks manager, a potted geranium. I had him made King on a whim, as the visual of two jobbers carting him around on a sedan chair was pretty funny to me.

Leary: The ultimate grudge match could have been Al Snow's "Head" against King Spike.

("Du Hast" by Rammstein plays as Homicidal Hank appears to a huge pop. We pan across a group of STWF fans wearing "Hank 19:50" shirts.. one wit in the middle holds up a sign reading "Has Monster Bash Finished Yet?")

Skeeter: The STWF references continue. "Hank 19:50" was Hanks catchphrase and T-shirt after going 19 minutes, 50 seconds in the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl. One of the STWF guys even made up a sign with that on it and took it to a WWF show. Never got it on camera, though. Monster Bash was a Supercard that went to intermission, then wasn't finished for THREE MONTHS due to creative burnout and computer problems.

Leary: Ah, an affliction that would haunt BOB in coming years.

Skeeter: All too true, I'm afraid.

Scuzz: An' hish opponent.. weigin'.. lots... VIET KONG!

(The speed remake of the Charlies Angels' Theme by Vietallica plays as V.K and Charlie walk to The ring amid a shower of trash. Viet Kong catches and eats most of it...)

Leary: *Laugh* Great entrance by Viet Kong.

Skeeter: Great character, too. Hank and Kong was the only time J and I feuded in the STWF... The man writes a mean put-down, I tell you.

MM: Well, here we go... one of the most anticipated rematches in years is finally here! The 14-fingered genetic monstrosity versus the man for whom sanity means washing you hands before you cook...

Skeeter: Another god-awful pun. That one would make Bobby Heenan shudder.

HOOOOOONNNK!

MM: Horns gone, we're underway! Test-of-strength in the center of the ring! And right from the get-go, Kong is winning it! There's nothing like four extra fingers to give you some extra leverage in a Greco-Roman knuckle-lock! Hank is forced to his knees.. OOOH! Headbutt to the crotch!

SW: That's using your head, Hank!

Skeeter: Not the best visual, really. The wrong camera angle and Hanks going to look like he's doing the nasty with Kong.

Leary: Aww, Scotty missed a giving Viet Kong head joke there. Shame shame.

Skeeter: His sleazyness was still a devloping trait, it seems.

Leary: I'll drag you down into the gutter with me yet, Steve.

Skeeter: *laugh* And then you'll start digging.

MM: Kong sinks to his knees and gets his jaw jacked by Hank! Short clothesline! Hank grabs a big handful of chest hair and hurls Kong across the ring with it! This is vicious stuff, folks! Viet Kong rakes the eyes to regain control! High knee! A whip to the ropes.. HUGE spear! Hank's down, but Kong doesn't even attempt a cover! A series of stinging lefts! Snapemare takedown.. and Viet Kong delivers an elbow between Hank's eyes! Kong slides out to the floor... well, out to the nearest table anyway.. we can hardly see the floor.. and Kong's got the Big Box O' Hardcore Props! Hank rolls to the opposite side of the ring...

SW: That's thinking ahead.. Hank bought his own bag of weapons!

Skeeter: Okay, what the fucks a "snapemare"?

Leary: Got me. It's nice all the wrestlers are leaving the tables alone at least.

Skeeter: Orders from the BOSS, I'd assume. Those things aren't cheap.

MM: Kong attacks with a Singapore Cane! Hank has a barbed-wire covered Smurf doll on a chain! This could get bloody folks!

SW: If we're lucky!

Leary: Hank, the true Innovator of Violence.

Skeeter: The barb-wire Smurf doll was Hanks favoured weapon in the Bunkhouse Brawl. I had to bring it back for old times' sake. And we're getting the first taste of Scottys' bnlood-lust here.

Leary: Yep. I remember a lot of heel commentators were into that in hardcore feds.

Skeeter: Juice, baby, JUICE!

MM: Kong breaks the cane over Hanks cranium! He tries to get another weapon.. Hank launches a flying headbutt!

CRASH!!!

MM: WOW! Both men just wiped out the glass-topped dining table we had set up for the Battle Royal! And they hardly even noticed! They're in the crowd... why isn't our cameraman following them?

SW: I don't think he's on danger money...

Leary: Whoops, there goes a table.

Skeeter: And there's Clive, our as-yet un-named cmaeraman. I eventually made him Canadian, so the name is a tribute to Des "DK" Clivio of the STWF.

MM: Hank and Kong have vanished into the backstage area, folks! The sounds of destruction from back there tell us the fight is still on, but we'll have to come back to them later.. in the meantime, we may as well go to our Main Event!

SW: Yeah, that makes sense..

Leary: Why give the viewers closure.

Skeeter: Ahh, it was a week out from a Pay-Per-View. You KNOW I can't blow off a feud too easily.

Scuzz: Ladies an' gennle.. genna.. fellas.. this is da Battle Royal for da "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Championship.. inner.. inner.. aw, the hell withit..

Leary: the Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title. Where did that name come from?

Skeeter: Probably inspired by the "Are You Kidding, I Aint Doing That!' hardcore title in the Whatever Wrestling Fed. Plus, if you're having a fed full of cartoon-y violence, the hardcore division has to be boarderline insane, yeah?

MM: Thanks, Scuzz.. nice try... Well, here come the competitors.. I see Super Mollusc, Mr X, Alex "No Gimmick" Smith, and XXXtreme Machine representing Jobbers Inc. Behind them is our new Tag champs, Goffer and Przstlwvk. The Domino, G.I Slow and The Universal Donors are close behind...

SW: And speaking of behinds, "Bloody" Mary has a nice looking...

Skeeter: That's pretty weak for Scotty, but he's trying at least.

Leary: XXXtreme Machine must have just been grazed by that bullet earlier.

Skeeter: I just noticed that... Shot in the foot and STILL participates in a Battle Royal! He's Hardcore! He's Hardcore! *laugh*

MM: Don't even go there! Birdboy, "Kermit" and Justin Voss making their appearances now.. following them.. no-one? Is that all?

SW: We really need to expand our roster...

Leary: And it's a miniature sized battle royal too. Another favorite.

Skeeter: It's hard to have a 20-man Battle Royal when there's only eight active guys on the roster, huh? Still, there's 13 guys in there. That's pretty good for us.

MM: I've just been told that Neige Thirteen, S.M.P and DJ Rawkus and MC Carjack were asked by the BigBOSS not to participate, so as to save money on tables and appearance fees... that would explain it.

SW: BOB! Cheap and crappy and damn proud of it!

Skeeter: The first mention of Neige, there. Storm clouds were a'brewing. Christian first had Neige make cameo appearances in Goffer and pzremslwvk promos around this time. A month later, P and g were making cameo appearances in their OWN promos as Negie babled about Jap-anamation for hours at a time. And since I don't LIKE anime, I could never find his"jokes" all that funny.

Leary: Ahh. Scotty does sum up BOB pretty effectively there though.

Skeeter: Good early T-shirt motto...

MM: And here we go! The rules are simple folks. To be eliminated, a participant must be thrown over the top rope and through a table! Last man standing gets the belt!

SW: My moneys on "Kermit"! He's the most hardcore man in there! Five bucks says he takes it!

Leary: Adding a pool table to the mix was an interesting twist. That just pop into your head and you ran with it?

Skeeter: Yep, just a random piece of inspiration from God knows where.

MM: I'll take a piece of that action... and speaking of action there's almost too much to call here! The Universal Donors are double teaming The Domino! Mr X has Goffer in a headlock, but he's getting pummeled by "Kermit" from behind! Super Mollusc levels G.I Slow with a Tornado DDT! XXtreme machine is looking for someone to fight.. he finds Pzremslwvk.. Pzremslwvk grabs XXXtreme by the throat.. CHOKESLAM OVER THE TOP ROPE! Right through the occasional table! XXXtreme Machine is gone!

Leary: Putting XXXtreme even lower on the jobber pecking order than Alex Smith. Yikes.

Skeeter: XXXtreme Machine jobbed twice in about 15 seconds in this card. And this was the HIGH point of his BOB career.

SW: So long, Mr Hardcore! C'mon Kermit! You can do it, buddy!

MM: "Cap" Larrie takes a big clothesline from Birdboy! Asahi moonsault! Justin Voss doing a little Bronco Busting on The Domino! "Kermit" doubles up Super Mollusc with a shot to the solar plexus! AXE KICK!

SW: Is your mike malfunctioning again, or are you just getting excited?

Skeeter: The Bronco Buster... AKA the "Jiggle Your Balls in Some Guys Face". Thanks a bunch, Waltman.

Leary: Figures Voss of all people would do that move.

MM: "Kermit" scoops Super Mollusc up in a powerbomb postion.. running powerbomb through the Spanish announcers table! What a move! The leader of Jobbers Inc. is history!

SW: YEAH! Go get 'em, Kermy!

MM: "Kermit" is going wild in there! Dropkick on Birdboy! Knife-edge chop for Alex Smith! OH! Art Teeery just stopped "Kermit" in his tracks with a lowblow! And Art lays him out with The Transfusion!

Skeeter: I think the Transfusion was something really weak. Reverse DDT, or something similar.

Leary: So you never went anywhere with the Spanish announcers on the show. Man, we should order some more of them up and have some fun with Babelfish.

Skeeter: We could never outdo DK's Spanish Announcers, though. Their entire vocabulary was 'GOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!".

SW: Art's getting cocky! Look at the little Ali shuffle...

MM: It doesn't impress Goffer any.. GO-GO-GOFFER KICK! Art tumbles over and through a kitset annouce table! "Cap" Larrie comes to his partners aid too late.. Flying tackle! Goffer is blasted out of the ring and into the remains of the same table! That counts! Goffer is gone! Pzremslwvk and Larrie are duking it out now! G. I Slow gives them a nudge with one titanic thigh and they both go out!! Straight through a coffee table!

Skeeter: I think that counts as "high-risk offense" for G.I Slow.

Leary: *Laugh* Yep. I'm surprised he *has* some offense here connecting.

SW: All four of the top-ranked tag team members on the floor.. and here comes the time-honoured all-in brawl..

MM: All the way up the aisle!

SW: You can't beat the classics, huh Mike?

Skeeter: I think we have a lot of fun messing with wrestlings time-honoured cliches in BOB. I must have seen this trick a thousand times over the years. Not to mention during every Royal Rumble.

Leary: Booking by numbers, all right. If it works, keep using it.

Skeeter: No reason to stop now...

MM: No siree, Scotty! And while that was happening, Mr X was eliminated.. by whom, I couldn't say! Eight men left.. Birdboy, Voss, Alex Smith, "Kermit", Slow and The Domino! We're getting down to the nitty-gritty now! Superkick from Voss sends Alex Smith out and onto the pool table!

THUD!

Skeeter: I love that... Mr. X was so secret, he gets booted without us knowing how.

Leary: Smith lasted a record-amount of time without having any kind of offense or defense too.

Skeeter: Never threw so much as a weak punch. The superkick from Voss is a nod to Shawn Micheals... I always figured Voss'es face character was similar to Shawns.

MM: But it doesn't break! Alex is still in this thing! "Kermit" and Birdboy give The Domino a double DDT! Nicely done! G.I Slow chops Voss to the ropes.. he waddles backwards.. he's getting a run-up.. Voss moves out of the way! G.I Slow is half way across the ring, but he can't stop himself!

SW: Momentum's a b-BLEEP-h, aint it Slow?

MM: And the mammoth military man tumbles over the ropes like a calving iceberg!

Skeeter: I like that last sentence... alliteration AND similie. My English teacher would be proud.

Leary: Color me impressed. Though I've never heard the term "calving" before. *Laugh*

Skeeter: That's the actual term, my friend. Who says BOB isn't educational? *laugh*

CRACKKKK!

MM: That broke the pool table! Lucky for Smith he got off in time!

SW: HEY! Here comes Hank and Kong!

MM: You're right! They burst out of the crowd, still battling furiously! Hank's found a packing case and is slamming it into Kongs skull! They're in the ring!! Kong launches himself at Hank! Hank ducks.. and Kong just eliminated "Kermit"!!! He couldn't get out of the way in time!

SW: NOOOOO!!!

Skeeter: Five bucks must have meant a lot in the early days. Probably half a nights wages, if not more.

MM: Pay up, Scotty!

SW: DAMN YOU, KONG!

MM: Hank throws the case.. and Alex Smith gets it in the head! He's out cold in the center of the ring! Charlie throws Kong a chair.. and he waffles Justin Voss with it! And again! Voss stumbles back.. and over the top rope! There goes the Swiss Army Champ!!!

SW: And the second Spanish Announce table!

Skeeter: I ike to think I was pretty fair with the win-to-loss ratio for most guys in the fed. Even the champion could get beaten at any time. Unless you were XXXtreme Machine, that is.

Leary: Yep, and Voss ended up feuding with Kong, didn't he?

Skeeter: Sure did. My card-to-card planning was a lot more organised at the start. Fueds could be stretched out for a month or two if we really tried. Nowadays i'm like WCW at it's worst. You're a heel... no, face! No, make that tweener! Okay, face turn next week for that guy... oh, he IS a face? Make him a heel!"...

Leary: Yep. We've got it down now that only hot chicks get pops.

Skeeter: As is only fair and correct.

MM: Hank siezes the advantage and rolls Kong up from behind.. 1..2..3! Hank gets the pinfall!

SW: I don't think Viet Kong cares! He slides out to the floor and is pounding nine colors of hell out of Voss! Look at him go to work! I've never seen a punking quite like it! This is brutal! Hank just picks up his geranium and leaves... get it? Geranium? Plant? Leaves? Ha hahahaha!

Skeeter: Ladies and Gentlemen... Scotty Youngman!

Leary: *Laugh* Oh, a bit painful there. Get the hook!

Skeeter: Yeah, I forced the gag, but's who's keeping score anyway?

MM: Hilarious, Scotty... In the ring, The Domino and Birdboy are struggling wildly.. Alex Smith is still out! Birdboy and Domino are leaning way too far over the ropes..

SMASH!

SW: And there they go!

HOOOOONK!

SW: It's over! Does this mean what I think it means?

Scuzz: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWWWW "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Champion... ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH!

Leary: Uh oh! Now nobody could have seen THAT coming.

Skeeter: Jeez, until i put the pool table in, I doubt *I* saw it coming.

SW: You're kidding me! Is this a joke?

MM: I hope so! Wait, here comes the BOSS!

BB: Well, this is interesting.. not quite what I had in mind, though. Alex, wake up!

A"NG"S: Huh? Wha' happened...?

Skeeter: Probably the first example of the ease in which BOB shows can get fouled up on a nightly basis.

Leary: Yep. Disorganized chaos on all fronts.

BB: You're the new champ... congratulations.. Now, get ready, because you'll have to start defending the title.. what would you prefer, a "Pirhana Pit" Match? An "Electrified Barbwire Rope" match? A "Cat-O'-Nine-Tails" match? Or a..

Skeeter: We never actually used ANY of those matches, which I think is a pity. One of these days I'll have Ken and Insano combine all three into one idiotic spectacular.

Leary: Sure, they've done just about everything else.

THUMP!

BB: Did he just faint?

SW: I think so...

BB: He can't faint! There's no fainting in wrestling! Give me that belt back! I'm stripping him of the title! And do you know why? Because there's no fainting in wrestling!!! Birdboy, Domino.. you two were the last eliminated... so, here's the deal... Your match at "Send Us Money".. will be for the Hardcore Championship!

Leary: Booking on the fly at its best.

Skeeter: And there's a little "A League of Their Own" homage with the 'No fainting in wrestling..." line. I didnt think the concept through, in actual fact. Only later did I realise someone was going to end up with both the Hardcore and pan-Galatic belts at once. Booked myself into a corner.

MM: WOW!

SW: Nicely put...

MM: Amazing! "SUM:TP" gets better and better! Folks, we're out of time.. so for Scotty Whatbody, I'm Mike Monroe, saying so long, and we'll see you at "TITLE-PALOOZA"!!!

©1999 BOB Wrestling!

Skeeter: And no amusing tagline to finish... I was a bit sporadic with those at first.

Leary: Yep. But there'll be plenty of funny taglines to come in future BOB shows from the past.

Skeeter: Okay, anyone elses brains try to impode working THAT line out? *laugh*

Leary: Yep, it's trippy!

Skeeter: Welly.

Leary: So I guess that wraps up MMM 3, eh?

Skeeter: Yep, another comnmentary full of self-referential humour and quasi-amusing anecdotes. next up, the first BOB Pay-Per-View! Looking forward to that one...


©1999/2004 BOB Wrestling!

 

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