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Mediocrity At Its Finest

CAPTION: Earlier Tonight.

(An exterior shot of The BacklotBowl, Hollywood, California. The BigBOSS and Miss Behave are in shot. A battered pick-up truck pulls up, belching blue smoke. Homicidal Hank climbs out.. strangley, a medium-sized crowd pops in the background.. guess we finally got the BOB-tron working properly... Hank pauses to retrieve King Spike, his potted geranium manager from out of the truck.)

BB: Hank, nice to hve you back in BOB!

HH: Yeah, whatever! Where's the case of beer you promised me?

BB: In your locker room! C'mon let's go! There's a capacity crowd in tonight, so this should be awesome...

(Suddenly, the camera pans to the left, to reveal a horse and cart trundling towards the group. There is a few moments of confusion as the camera is knocked over. We get an out-of-focus shot of Hank crashing to the deck amid a shower of ricecakes.)

BB: Hank? Are you okay?!! Did anyone get the number of the cart?

(Hank rises to his knees and crawls across the carpark.)

HH: Spike? Are you okay? Spike? Speak to me!!! SPIKE!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

(Cut to the opening titles.)

(Pan the interior of the BacklotBowl. A big crowd is present for a change.. although half did get free tickets to compensate them for the two weeks of carparking they had to pay for at "Title-Palooza". We pick up Mike, Scotty and GBH at the usual ringside table.)

MM: Welcome everyone! And what a shocking start to this weeks show! Homicidal Hank has been victim of a ride-by attack!! Who could have perpertrated such a heinous crime?

SW: Gee, let me guess... The Amish Mafia?

GBH: Duhhh.. yur.

MM: We'll update you on the condition of both Hank and King Spike as soon as possible, folks! But it's going to be a huge night, so let's not waste any time!

SW: Yup! Straight to the commercials!

BOB! It's Fan-bloody-tastic!

And it'll be even more so at "Send Us Money: Full Court Press"

Coming your way soon! Only on Pay-Per-View! And then on video.. and DVD.. and audio tape.. and the official BOB magazine..

Welcome back.. and it's time to get things underway with the Jobber Gauntlet Match!!

Scuzz: Ladies and Gennelmen! Innerducin' at this time.. already in the ring, representin' Jobbers Inc.. MR X, ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH, BIVALVE AND SUPER MOLLUSC!

(The Jobbers Inc. theme song "We Can Sell it For You Wholesale!" plays briefly.)

Scuzz: And their opponent.. XXXTREME MACHINE!!!

("Xxxtreme" plays as XXXtreme walks to the ring. His shirt reads "i am not a jobber!". He leaps over the top rope and stands in the deafening silence.)

MM: Well, the rules are simple on this one.. if XXXtreme Machine can score a pinfall over all four members of Jobbers Inc, he will be reinstated as a non-jobber wrestler! And he'll get a title shot at our next pay-per-view, "Full Court Press"!!

SW: You're going to be plugging that one for weeks, aren't you?

MM: That's what I'm here for, Scotty.

***Bell rings

SW: And we're under way!! Hey, was that a bell? We've finally got a bell!! Were the buy-rates for Title-Palooza that good?!

MM: No, actually we sold the monitors to buy a bell. GBH, can you move the table a little closer to the action? Ah, that's better. XXXtreme locks up with Alex Smith. Hammerlock from the hardcore one! Scoop.. and a big bodyslam on the hammerlocked arm! Nice old-school move there! And there's a shoulderbreaker! I haven't seen one of those in years! XXXtreme learnt most of his moves watching wrestling in the joint during the 80's, and boy does it show!

SW: Whip to the ropes.. shoulderblocks Smith to the canvas! Pickup and a nice gut-wrench suplex! Smiths in trouble! XXXtreme up to the middle turnbuckle.. XXXTREME STUNNER off the turnbuckle.. one..two.. and three! That's it for Alex! Bivalve leaps over the ropes and goes to work on XXXtreme right off the bat! Stopming away at him! Drags him to his feet and biels him across the ring by his blue hair! Ouch!

MM: Good skills by the youngster! Look at the execution on that standing dropkick! He's a house of fire! He's a one-man assault force! He's..OW!

GBH: Duhhh.. hurty!

MM: XXXtreme Machine turns the table with one incredible move! You all saw it, folks, there no need for us to describe it!

SW: You don't know what it's called, do you Mike?

MM: Be quiet. XXXtreme picks up Bivalve and hotshots him on the top rope! A cover.. and there's the three count! Two down, two to go for XXXtreme! Mr X is in the ring. He slingshots XXXtreme to the boot of Super Mollusc! Follows it up with a big avalanche! Hip-lock out of the corner! Mr X up to the tope rope.. High Cross-body! Cover..1..2..kickout! XXXtreme's still in this one! Mr X attempts a suplex.. blocked! Reversal by XXXtreme! He might just have a chance here! Whip to the ropes.. reversed by Mr X! Reversed again.. and again... and Super Mollusc nails XXXtreme from the apron! The Ref never saw it.. this is getting good!

(We suddenly cut to the backstage area. Homicidal Hank and a doctor are present. A table nearby holds the shattered pot of King Spike.)

Hank: How is he doc? What're his chances?

Doctor: It's pretty serious Hank. He's suffered multiple fractures to his terracotta, and contusions to most of his upper branches. He may lose that leaf as well.

Hank: Damn it, doc! Save the medical mumbo-jumbo and DO SOMETHING!

Doctor: Damn it, Hank, I'm a doctor, not a tree surgeon!

Hank: WHAT?? Then get the hell out of here!! Someone get me a tree surgeon!!

(We cut back to the ring just in time to hear the)

***Bell ring

Scuzz: Here are your winners.. MR X and SUPER MOLLUSC!!!

MM: What a finish!! Did you believe what Super Mollusc did, Scotty?

SW: Yeah! Cheating, plain and simple.. and I LOVED it!

MM: Well, let's give you an update on the condition of Homicidal Hank.. oh, apparently we won' let's go straight back to the ring for more excitng action!

GBH: Duhhhh... yur.. goody.

Scuzz: This match is for one fall.. innerducing.. one half of th' "YGHF" tag champs... GOFFER!

(Ren and Stimpys' "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" song plays as Goffer runs down the aisle. He waves his tanuki cap at the girls in the front row. Several faint.)

Scuzz: An' his opponent.. from Veitnam.. "CHARLIE"!

(The Charlies Angels Theme plays as "Charlie runs to the ring, dodging trash, beer and the occasional kitchen implement.)

MM: Both men are in the ring.. check out the thumb of "Charlie".. he's really taped it up, hasn't he?

SW: Apparently that's for his patent maneuver, The Tet Offensive. I wonder if he'll get to use it?

MM: Not if Goffer has anything to say about it! The Generic Ref calls for the bell...


MM: He calls for it again..


MM: What the hell? Where's the bell gone?

(Cut to the loading dock. "Kermit" is spotted, selling the ringbell to a shady-looking individual.)

MM: Oh, well.. this one appears to be underway.. lock-up.. and a nice armdrag take-down from Goffer! And another! Nice form on those, reminiscent of the great Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat! And there's an Edge-like spear!

SW: There goes the ratings for today.. half our viewers are probably delving into their video libraries, thanks to your constant referencing to better wrestlers!

MM: Hey, ratings are hardly a factor.. at least in our timeslot.. And in that vein I'd like to remind everyone that we have a Pay-Per-View coming up! "Send Us Money: Full Court Press"!! Contact your cable operator now!! Even though we don't even know when it's screening yet!

SW: Uh, Mike.. the match is still on? Like to do some play-by-play?

MM: It'll be the greatest Pay-Per-View EVER!!

SW: Mike? Fine, take over GBH...

GBH: Duuhhh.. dat little guys kicking da guy with da cap.. kick, kick, kick.. hur hur hur.. now he's giving him a noogie! And now he's..

MM: Okay, okay, I'll call the match.. just shut the big lug up!! Honestly, it's like listening to Oliver Copp with a lobotomy when he starts doing that! Nice gut-wrench suplex from "Charlie"! Drops a fist! But Goffer is ready for it and catches "Charlie" in a GO-GO-GOFFER Cross-face Reverse Armbreaker! Look at him apply the pressure! "Charlie" struggles to reach the ropes! He doesn't look like he's going to make it!

(The Charlies Angels Theme plays again as a spotlight is aimed at the wrestlers entrance.)

MM: Goffer quickly releases the hold and springs to his feet! He's staring down to the aisle, preparing himself for Viet Kongs arrival!

(Cut to the backstage area, where Viet Kong is enjoying a pre-match latte. Which is difficult to do with your arms folded across your chest... back to the ring)

MM: Goffer's waiting.. he's still waiting.. OOH! Big lowblow from behind by "Charlie"! He follows up with a Side-Russian legsweep! "Charlie" heads to the tope rope...

SW: He's taking way too long about it.. and predictably, Goffer manages to recover enough to knock him off the top!

MM: Goffer give a sign to the crowd.. and here he comes.. GO-GO-GOFFER REVERSE DOUBLE-UNDERHOOK TILT-A-WHRL-GUTBUSTER SUPLEX!!! And in the time it took me to call that move, the ref has already counted to three!

Scuzz: Here's yo' winner.. GOFFER!

SW: A clean win! In BOB! Wonders will never cease....

MM: Well, lets quickly take you to our backstage area for an update on Spike!

(Cut to the locker room. EMT's are running around randomly. Hank is in the background on a mobile phone)

Doctor: Oh, my God! He's going into Botanical Arrest! CLEAR!


Doctor: CLEAR!!!!

(Cut to the carpark of the BacklotBowl. Two stockcars are parked there, one containing Justin Vosss, Pzremslwvk in the other.)

MM: Well, we're nearly ready for our "Demolition Derby" match for the "AYOOYFM" Title! Pretty simple really.. whoever batters his opponents vehicle into submission first gets the belt! The ref is out at the parking lot now, and I think we're about to start!

GR: Gentlemen.. start your engines!!

(Justin Voss' car revs up. Pzremslwks doesn't.)


(Justin Voss' car screeches into life, laying rubber all across the carpark. Pzremslwvk just sits there.)

SW: Ummmm... did anyone even check to see if Pzremslwvk knows how to drive?

MM: Good point, Scotty..

GBH: Yur.

(Justin Voss executes a long circle and races back towards the helpless hardcore Champ.)

MM: This is going to get brutal, folks! I can hardly watch! Wait, what's going on? "Kermit" has just waved Voss down! Justin stops.. oh, Good Lord! "Kermit" is carjacking Justin Voss! He's stealing his car! Unbelievable!!

Scuzz: The ref has decided this match isn't going to improve anytime soon, and has deemed it a NO-CONTEST!

SW: Well, that was strange.. not to mention pointless...

MM: Well, it's main event time... and this one's a doozy! Viet Kong tangles with Homicidal Hank for the Swiss Army Belt! Let's take you back up to Scuzz for the intros!

Scuzz: This contest is for th' Swiss Army Belt, an' is for one fall... right? 'Kay, innerducing first.. weighin' in at 345 pounds, from Hoi Phong, Th' Swiss Army Champion... VIET KONG!

(The Charlies Angels Theme plays once more as Viet Kong stalks down to the ring to the boos of the crowd. He holds the Swiss Army Belt high, elicting even more boos as he enters the ring.)

Scuzz: An' his opponent.. an' challenger.. hailin' from Innercours', Pennslyvania... weighin' in at 257 pounds... HOMICIDAL HANK!

(Rammsteins "Du Hast" erupts over the speakers as Hank runs down the aisle. Huge pop.)

MM: Hank is on his way!! Look at the intensity on his face!

SW: Forget his face, look at the baseball bat he's carrying! Kong aint backing down, either! He's going to meet him in the aisle!!


MM: OH! Hank nails him with the ball bat! Right over the head! Kong recoils back a step.. he's still on his feet though! Hank jabs the bat into Kongs sternum! Doubled him over that time! DDT on the ramp!!! Hank is going insane.. well, more insane than usual! Relativly speaking...

GBH: Dur... YUR! Hit him wit' the bat! Whack, whack whack! Yurrr!!

MM: This is brutal! Hank is still whaling away with the ball bat! Kong struggles to his knees and slaps on a testicular claw! Hank doesn't even seem to notice! He just keeps on blasting Kong with the bat.

SW: Wow! He snapped that Louiville Slugger over Kongs back! Pieces of balsa wood fly everywhere!

MM: Way to give away trade secrets, Scotty! Kong hauls Hank over in a Groin-Wrench Death Valley Driver! The Ref is keeping a long way out of this one, and who can blame him! Kong runs Hank down to the ring and slams him face-first into the ringpost! And Hank rises to his feet immediatly!! Big European uppercut finds the mark on the champ! Side Russian legsweep and Kongs skull crashes into the ringsteps! Hank reaches under the ring and drags out a bagful of plumbing tools! Look at him go to work on Kong with that pipewrench! Rolls him into the ring..

The Flunky: DING!

MM: .. and we're finally officially underway! Hank whips Kong hard to the buckle.. charges in and hits with a huge high knee!! Release belly-to-back suplex! Hank doesn't even attempt a pin! He simply looks like he's out to hurt his opponent! Legdrop! He picks Kong up again and it looks like he's going for the powerbomb! Gets him up.. no! He falls backwards instead and hotshots Kong on the top rope!

SW: This match could go on for days! These two love hurting people, and both can take a huge amount of punishment.. It's a total toss-up!

MM: That was almost a relevant comment, Scotty... don't strain yourself! Back in the ring, Kong grabs Hanks belt and flings him through the ropes! Kong out to the apron, and here comes a gigantic flying clothesline! Hank is driven hard to the floor! Kong finds a chair and waffles Hank with it! And again! Hank is rammed into our table! Kong reaches for a weapon.. too bad we sold the monitors.. no, we don't have a fan either... Kong looks frustrated.. oh, that'll hurt!

GBH: Duuhh.. stop hitting him wit' me..

MM: Kong drags Hank away from our table and rolls him back into the ring. Kong stomping away at Hank. Setting him up for a piledriver! Nails him! Cover! 1.. 2.. kickout! Kong's going for another pildriver.. Hank straightens up and backdrops Kong into the aisle! Both men having trouble getting up... wait, what the heck is happing?

("The Ride Of The Valkyries" echos through the arena.)

MM: It's Kamikazie Ken!!! Coming down the ramp on a motorcycle! Kong can't get out of the way! Look out!! OH! Ken just ran down Kong! Both men are up against the side of the ring in a tangle of motorcycle parts!! Hank slides out and drags the semi-concious back into the ring! A cover..1..2..3!!! New Champion! New champ!

Scuzz: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWWWW "Swiss Army Champ".. HOMICIDAL HANK!!!

SW: What the hell is up with Kamikazie Ken? What is he, the Heel for Hire?

MM: I have no idea! Well, we're out of time, folks, so we'll see you next week.. on MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM!!

©2000 BOB Wrestling!


© BOB Wrestling!

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