MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 6!
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?
(A rather unusual opening this week. Two guys are setting off flareguns, while an overweight woman dances about. Banners reading "Nae Mayhem" hang everywhere. We pick up Mike Monroe, who's wearing a kilt.)
MM: Hello and WELCOME everyone to MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM! I'm Mike "Vince" McMadden along with "Captain" Scotty Whatbody...
SW: Huh? What the hell's going on?
MM: ... And Jamal BH!
GBH: Duh. Wordie...
MM: And we're coming to you live from the Podunk Civic Centre! And did I mention.. we're not wearing any pants!
SW: Well, I am! Mike, is this the BigBOSS's idea of "revenge" against the STWF? A direct rip-off of a more popular show?
MM: Give me one good reason it won't work?
(There is a sudden cut to a commercial.)
SEND US MONEY: FULL COURT PRESS IS NEARLY HERE!
What are you waiting for? Order now! Or we'll kidnap your grandmother! We mean it!
(We return to the arena. The "Nae Mayhem" banners are being quickly removed by the Flunky.)
MM: Well, I thought it was a good idea! And we're back! Tonights show promises to be a real barn-burner!
SW: How so? I thought we had three debuts and a pointless six-man tag for the main event...
MM: Yeah, you're right for once, Scotty.. this looks like a real snoozer if I was to be brutally honest. But it's all we got, and that Main Event should be a doozy!
SW: Oh, come on! There's no way that Plants and Thirteen are going to be able to work together! It'll be chaos! It'll be mayhem!
MM: It'll be fun to watch! So let's get up to Scuzz for the opening match!
GBH: Duh. Yur. Wassup my. Duh. Homies. Yur...
Scuzz: Ladies and gentlemen, our opening contest is scheduled for one fall... introducing first.. representing Jobbers Inc... weighing in at 189 pounds.. BIVALVE!
MM: Well, as always, Bivalve is already in the ring, so we just await his opponent!
Scuzz: And his opponent.. weighing in a pathetic 123 pounds.. from London, England.. TOSTIN SHOWERS!
(A techno version of some 70's Sweedish porno film's theme music plays as the scrawny Englishman makes his appearance. Zero pop from the crowd.. Tostin doesn't seem to care.. or even notice. A good round of applause for our new soundman, Eddie B, however. (We lured him away from a local nightclub...))
SW: Well, here we go.. Y'know, Scuzz is sounding much better tonight.
MM: Yes, he is, isn't he.. *ahem*.. anyway, the bell sounds and we're rolling! Bivalve and Tostin circle each other.. and they hook up with a good old collar-and-elbow tieup! Tostin squirms around and applies a three-quarter nelson. Legsweep! Bivalves' face bounces off the canvas! Tostin grapevines the legs and hooks up a surfboard! Bivalve tries desperatly to reach the ropes.. and he makes it! Tostin has to break the hold!
SW: This Tostin guy is a real slippery customer.. at least, that's what the warden at the penal institute that sold him to us said...
MM: They lock up again.. quick go-behind by Tostin.. mule kick from Bivalve! That'll even up the score! He grabs a handful of chest hair and whips the limey to the buckle! Charges in to deliver an elbow.. Tostin slides to the mat and Bivalve elbow smashes the buckle!
GBH: Duh. Cap. @ss. Pop one.. yur!
SW: You can stop that now, GBH..
GBH: Duhhh. Bunny rabbit.
MM: That's better... Tostin armdrags Bivalve to the canvas and slaps on a bow-and-arrow! Great technical skills! Too bad wrestling fans these days hate technical matches..
SW: HIT HIM WITH A CHAIR! WHERE'S THE BLOOD?
MM: ... as displayed by Scotty.. Even Bivalve looks a little bored.. Tostin releases him and slides out to the floor.. he appears to be trying to put the moves on that transvestite at ringside..
SW: Way to pick 'em, Showers..
MM: Bivalve meanwhile heads to the top rope.. Missile dropkick and it's a beauty!! Tostin catapults over the railing! That almost woke the crowd up! Tostin struggles to his feet... the two of them are exchanging right hands in the crowd! Tostin blocks a shot and gives Bivalve a powerful short clothesline! The shellfish-obsessed boy wonder tumbles back into the ringside area! Tostin leaps over the barrier and poses for his non-existant fanbase!
SW: Egotistical? Nahhh....
MM: Tostin rolls Bivalve back in and applies the Acid Trip! Nice form on the anklelock... and that'll do it! Bivalve has to tap out! We have a winner in this one!
Scuzz: Here is your winner.. TOSTINNNNN SHOWERS!
Tostin: YEAH BABY, YEAH!!!!
(Silence.. a few crickets are heard chirping in the distance. Tostin climbs the buckles to acknowlege the crowd... a tumbleweed bounces past.)
MM: Well, a wonderfully medicore debut from Tostin Showers there.. But there's still lots to do today, so let's take you to the BigBOSS, who's set to make the draw for "Send Us Money: Full Court Press"
(The BigBOSS is shown walking to the ring along with Miss Behave, The Lil'BOSS and his bodyguards, Lock, Shock and Barry. The crowd is shown, walking towards the concession stands. Eventually, The Corporate Crew makes it to a table with the fabled Medium-Sized Bucket from MMM#1 on it.)
BB: Thank you ladies and gentlemen!
(Eddie suddenly cues "Taking Care of Business" by BTO.. better late than never, I suppose..)
BB: *ahem*... Without further ado, I will now draw the two teams for the "No-Holds Barred Basketbrawl" at "SUM: FCP"!
(The Lil'Boss begins drawing names.. TheBoss reads them. Miss Behave poses and pouts...)
JUSTIN VOSS! (Big pop from the crowd)
ART TEERY! (Lotsa boos)
NEIGE THIRTEEN! (The boos intensify)
"CAP" AL LARRIE! (Trash begins to be thrown)
TOSTIN SHOWERS! (Sudden silence)
GOFFER! (Female screaming)
DJ RAWKUS (Mixed reaction)
and.. wait, who the heck is Mr Claven? Aw, screw it, whoever he is, he's in!
"KERMIT"! (Slightly better reaction than Tostin, but not much)
THE DOMINO! (Boos)
BOBO FIENDISH! (Huge boos)
BIRDBOY! (Cheering again)
XXXTREME MACHINE! (Hysterical laughter)
BARBIE BANNER! (Wolf whistles)
and BLACKJACK HOOLIGAN! (A chorus of "AYYYYYE Laddie"s)
And the special referees will be Head Trauma Boys Coma and Flatline from the STWF! Thank you, that will be all!
MM: Well, as the Corporate crew return to the back, let's head back up to Scuzz for the next match.
Scuzz: Ladies and gentlememn, this contest is scheduled for one fall.. introducing at this time.. BARBIE "THE BRIDE" BANNER!
("The Wedding March" plays as Barbie begins to walk down the aisle.)
SW: I just realised.. Scuzz's lips aren't in synch with his intros! Are we dubbing him?
MM: *ahem*.. no.. not at all..
SW: So just the crowd noise like always then?
MM: Oh come on Scotty.. what sort of sad, loser federation would dub in applause? Anyway, Scuzz's contract says he gets to do the announcements.. it doesn't say we have to switch on his microphone! Well, as we wait for the former Swiss Army champ, let's discuss the ramifications of the draw we just witnessed. An eclectic mix on both sides, don't you think?
GBH: Duh... yur.. duh.. whut that mean?
SW: Well, in my opinion, Team Two has a distict advantage.. I mean, former Hardcore champ Pzremslwvk, Bobio Fiendish and Blackjack Hooligan on the same team.. even "Kermit" can get pretty extreme in his own way...
MM: Right.. and the negatives for that team?
SW: XXXtreme Machine.
("If You're Happy And You Know it, Clap Your Hands" plays as Justin Voss runs out to thunderous cheers. He pauses at the top of the ramp.. which, as it turns out, was probably a bad idea...)
MM: Here comes Justin Voss!
SW: And here comes Bobo Fiendish!! What the hell? OH! Did you see that?
GBH: Hurty, hurty, hurty!
MM: Spinning heel kick to the back of Voss's cranium! Justin never saw that coming. Fiendish slams him into the guardrail! A martial arts kick to the throat! One-handed chokeslam to the concrete! This guy's nuts!
SW: He said it! It wasn't me! I REALLY RESPECT YOU, BOBO!
MM: This is brutal! Voss is simply getting the tar beaten out of him! The ref isn't getting involved and who can blame him! Pickup and a powerslam onto the steps!
SW: I was afraid this might happen! Apparently, Bobo's very.. oldschool... he HATES male versus female matches!
MM: Too bad Justin Voss wasn't aware of that! Look at this! Fiendish can't be stopped!
("Limestone Cowboy" is suddenly cued. The crowd rises to their feet as one.. damn sewer rat invasion...)
MM: It's Blackjack Hooligan!! And he's attacking Bobo! The fists and feet are flying! This is incredible! Look at these two going to work on each other! Security is on it's way, but there's no way to seperate Fiendish and Hooligan!
SW: You got that right.. although the fact that we could only hire three fake security guards doesn't help, either! Bobo and Blackjack are still fighting back up the aisle!
MM: Meanwhile, Voss has rolled into the ring.. he looks hurt, though! Barbie runs over and rolls him up..1..2..3! This one was over before it began!
GBH: Dur. Zen.
Scuzz: Here is your winner... BARBIE "THE BRIDE" BANNER!
MM: We'll take a quick commercial break, and be right back with more mayhem!
FULL COURT PRESS! Buy it! It'll be a BasketBRAWL!
SW: Glad to see we spent big on the promos.. Can I change my prediction for "Full Court Press"? No way are Bobo and Hooligan going to be able to work together..
MM: It'll be a happening, all right.. and probably a very painful happening for our Superstars! It's time now for Bobo Fiendish's actual debut match.. LOWER AWAY!
(A cage is slowly lowered from the rafters.)
SW: I didn't know XXXtreme and Bobo were having a cage match, Mike.
MM: Are you kidding? The cage is for us! That Bobo guy's a maniac!
SW: Good thinking! And I brought a whole bunch of 'Norm Smiley' brand "Hardcore Props" to wear! Let's get the intros!
GBH: Duh. This match. One fall or one hurty. Duhhh.. BOBO FIENDISH! Yur!
MM: Oh, Lord, who let GBH in the ring? And he better lay of the "hurty"s.. Mittens might sue...
(Bobo walks out to the eerie silence of someone who hasn't picked any theme music yet... Or maybe Eddie B just hasn't had the nerve to ask him...)
GBH: Other guy. XXXTREME. MACHINE! Hur hur hur....
("XXXtreme" plays to zero pop. Three minutes later the song finishes. XXXtreme still hasn't arrived. It starts to play again.)
MM: Still no sign of XXXtreme! I think he's chickened out!
SW: What a wuss! Are you going to wear that Vikings helmet, Mike?
MM: It's all yours.. can you do up my chest protector?
SW: Sure. C'mon XXXtreme! Get your sorry butt out here!
(Cut to the backstage area. XXXtreme is being "escorted" to the ring by Lock, Shock and Barry. His legs are making kicking motions a few inches above the ground.)
XXXtreme: put me down i don't wanna fight him let go!
Lock: Oh, come on.. everyone knows wrestling is fake! You won't get hurt!
XXXtreme: does bobo know that?
MM: Oh, look, here comes XXXtreme.. Lock tosses him down the aisle, right to the feet of Bobo! The bell sounds and we're underway! Bobo goes right to work with stinging series of chops and punches!
MM: What the heck was all that about?
MM: Oh come on! Our shows don't need padding! They run to time and they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very...
Producer's Voice: That'll do fine..
MM:... Very good! Bobo is still on a rampage! He rams XXXtreme into the ringpost! Gutbuster suplex! The ref is counting both men..
MM: ... In his own unique way... Bobo drags XXXtreme towards the timekeepers table! XXXtremes head meets the wood with authority! Bobo isn't letting up for a second! He's got the bell!
MM: What brutality! Scotty, get out from under the table, you're missing a great match!
SW: Just tell me when he's in the ring, okay?
MM: He's in there now.. whips XXXtreme to the ropes and launches a huge shoulderblock! Stomping him mercilessly now! XXXtreme's trying to tap out, even though it's not a submission move!
SW: CHICKEN! WUSS!
Bobo: What did you call me?
SW: I was talking to XXXtreme! HONEST! I was! Not you, Mr Fiendish, sir!
MM: Stop whimpering, Scotty! Snap suplex sends XXXtreme sprawling! He tries to fire back with a kidney punch.. no effect! Bobo scoops up XXXtreme for a gut-wrench powerbomb! XXXtreme is in big trouble! Thrust kick sends him back to the ropes.. and Bobo applies that evil cramial claw hold of his! XXXtreme gratefully accepts the chance to quit! This one's in the books!
GBH: Duh. Winner. BOBO. Hur hur hur...
MM: Bobo isn't finshed though.. he's dragging XXXtreme back to the locker room by his head... I wouldn't want to be in his shoes! Dennis is in the aisle to get some post-match comments!
Dennis: XXXtreme, old chap? Any thoughts on the match?
XXXtreme: there's no place like home there's no place like home ... ow...
Dennis: Jolly good!
SW: Can you see Bobo in the "AYOOYFM" rankings reaaal soon? I know I can!
MM: I can see him in a padded cell reeeal soon.. but enough of Bobo for one night.. let's get to our Main Event!
Scuzz: This six-man tag is scheduled for one fall! But it's a Main event, and we're only one week from a Pay-per-View, and one team hates each other, so it'll probably be a screwjob! Where was I? Oh, that's right... Firstly, from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, tipping the scales at 257 pounds.. HOMICIDAL HANK!
("Du Hast" pounds out as Hank appears. He pauses and triumphantly raises King Spike above his head. Spike still has splints on several leaves, but seems much improved. Huge pop.)
Scuzz: His partner.. from Banzai Falls, Georgia.. weighing 238 pounds.. The Hardcore Luchador(TM)... KAMIKAZIE KEN!
("Du Hast" gives way to "Ride of The Vaklkyries" as Ken appears in a burst of pyro, which accidently sets fire to his cape.)
Scuzz: And finally.. hailing from A Box in the Basement... weighing in at 278 pounds... the Pan-Galactic Champion.. PZREMSLWVK!
(A slightly more funked-up version of the Krapterian national anthem plays... we did mention Eddie was a DJ... Pzremslwvk trots out to ring side and begins nuzzling the ringpost. The BigBOSS appears at the entranceway, mic in hand.)
BB: Damn, it Pzremslwvk! I don't mind Kritch doung your interviews, but I want YOU to wrestle your matches.. get out here!
(Pzremslwvk eventually turns up, and the BigBOSS leaves, taking the sheep with him...)
Scuzz: And their opponents, first, weighing in at 240 pounds... introducing first.. hailing from Naples, Italy.. Dr SILICONNE M. PLANTS!
("Smooth Operator" (The Henry Rollins Mix) thumps out as SMP and Nurse Heidi stride to the ring. Mixed reaction.. more cheers than boos, however.)
Scuzz: His partner.. weighing 264 pounds.. hailing from Snowmania, Quebec.. NEIGE THIRTEEN!
(Eddie cues "DD Cool" by QRN as the Fighting Snowman heads to ringside. He leans the Neigeboard against the timekeepers table and enters the ring. Much finger pointing and trash-talking ensues with SMP.)
Scuzz: And finally.. from Vietnam.. weighing 345 pounds.. VIET KONG!
("Charlie" leads the big man down to the ring to his Charlies Angels Theme music. The boos are deafening.)
GBH: Duh. Homie.
GBH: Yur, Scotty?
SW: Fetch the stick! Fetch it boy!
(GBH bounds off excitedly.)
MM: Nice one, Scotty! Well, all of our competitors are at ringside... SMP and Neige Thirteen are still having words in the corner. A shove from Neige sends the doctor back a few steps! SMP responds with a shove of his own! Kong gets right between the two of them! Can he maintain some sort of control here? WHOA! Ken, Hank and Pzremslwvk seize the opportunity and attack from the blindside! Mayhem has broken loose here! Hank is hammering away at SMP! Ken drops Neige with a Lou Thesz Press and is delivering stinging shots to the head! Kong and Pzremslwvk tumble over the ropes and land at our feet! It's all on for young and old!
SW: And we expected nothing less! Fantastic stuff!
MM: Iverted atomic drop on the Sinister Surgeon! Hank follows up with a vicious clothesline that propells Plants over the top and down to the floor! Hank and Ken double up on Neige now! Pzremslwvk and Kong are mixing it up on the floor! A kick to the gut doubles over VK! Big Axe kick drops him! Neige is on the receiving end of a spiked powerbomb! The ref fianlly gets Hank out of there and we're down to one-one-one for the first time! Kamikazie Ken whips Neige to the buckle and follows up with a big spinning heel kick! Drops a knee on the prone Fighting Snowman! He tags out to Pzremslwvk! The Pan-Galactic champ is in and going to work on Neige! Whip to the ropes! Big boot!
SW: Pzremslwvk is about the only guy in this thing without a blood feud with someone else!
MM: That's right.. he's only in this one for the champions paycheck! It isn't stopping him though! Nice German suplex sends Neige sprawling. The Champ goes to the middle rope. Launches himself! Neige gets the knees up at the last split second! That'll take some of the starch out of Pzremslwvk! Negie crawls to his corner..Tag to SMP!!
SW: Can you tag with a forearm to the face now? Ouch!
SW: Fetch it boy! This is not going to work! SMP should be working over Pzremslwvk, not kicking Neige Thirteen! He's got to get focused!
MM: Meanwhile, Pzremslwvk has made the tag to Hank! T-Bone suplex on the distracted Boobie enhancer! Whip to the ropes! Reversal.. and again.. OOH! Knee to the back stops SMP in his tracks!
SW: No prizes for guessing WHOS knee it was!
MM: SMP grabs Neige and hotshots him on the top rope!
SW: In the context of this match, that should count as a tag..
MM: A big back suplex by Hank drives Plants into the canvas! It doesn't pay to turn your back on a homicidal maniac like that! Blatant lowblow! SMP sells that crotch punch well! Hank heads over to tag Ken back in..
SW: Thus giving Neige the opportunity to get in a few cheap shots in on the doctor! Hey, what's "Charlie" doing?
MM: He's leading Viet Kong away from ringside! Dennis, what's happening?
Dennis: I'll try to find out, Mike! "Charlie", old man, what on earth are you doing?
Charlie: Stoopid dookie heeds wanna fight each udder.. me take Vee-Kay out for lunch.. lemmee kno how eet feenish, 'kay?
Dennis: Remarkable! The Unworkable Alliance of Plants and Thirteen are now in a handicap match! Back to you Mike!
MM: This has certainly been the most unbelievable Mayhem yet!
SW: How so? Two jobber squashes, one interferance screwjob and a Main Event in chaos from the get-go.. this has been the closest we've ever come to a conventional wrestling show!
MM: Sad, but true, Scotty! Back to the action! Pzremslwvk is distracting The Generic Ref, allowing a double team by the Pennsylvania Pyschos! Even though one of them is from Georgia.. And now Neige Thirteen is distracting the offical, making it three-on-one!
SW: Teamwork at it's best....
MM: OH! Triple-spiked Piledriver! That's gotta be it! Cover by Pzremslwvk! One.. Two.. Broken up by Neige? What the hell.. oh, I see.. he wanted to deliver a bit more punishment to Plants! Asahi moonsault scores on the helpless surgeon! Springboard elbowdrop! And another! Hank, Ken and Pzremslwvk don't know what to make of this! SMP is back to his feet.. Both Plants and Neige are trying to choke each other! Hank suddenly snaps! DOUBLE DDT! Look at him stomping away at both of them.. Ken tries to help.. Hank clocks him! Oh, my! HOMICIDAL HAMMER on Ken!! Pzremslwvk comes in to help out.. and Hank headbutts him! Neige lowblows Hank from behind! Ken staggers to his feet and.. FAMOUSER on Hank!
SW: Here come the troops! Goffer is coming down the aisle! So is Justin Voss! They're in the ring and both have attacked Ken? Why?
MM: Do we neeed a reason for this? Oh, no, GBH is in the ring.. he just chokeslammed Neige! Bobo Fiendish is on his way.. no! Blackjack Hooligan chased him out from the back and attacked him in the aisle! Ken breaks away from Goffer and springboards to the top.. SUICIDE SQUADRON right into that seething sea of humanity in the ring! He dropped both Voss and Plants with that!
SW: Here comes Kong again! He runs right over Fiendish and Hooligan in his haste to join in! Our fake security is in there, hitting people randomly! Jobbers Inc arrives in it's entirety! "Kermit" just jumped out of the crowd! Tostin Showers follows him! Some guy in a postal worker uniform is in there as well!
MM: That's Mr Claven, you fool! What a donnybrook! Neige Thirteen was just driven over the ropes with an inziguri! Ken springboards off the ropes.. big plancha!
SW: Both men just went through the timekeepers table! I think Ken knocked himself cold on the Neigeboard! Barbie "The Bride" is back out, and she's pulling hair and scratching with Heidi!
MM: Even The Universal Donors are here! They attack Rawkus and Carjack! G.I Slow waddles out... Scuzz is giving the offical descion, but since no-one has turned on his mic, it's anyones guess what the call is! Well, if we survive this mayhem, we'll see you at "Send Us Money: Full Court Press!"
SW: And don't forget my new show, making it's debut this week!
MM: WHAT? They gave you a show? I'm the main attraction here! You're nothing but a jumped-up sidekick!
SW: What did you call me?
MM: You heard!!
(We fade out as Mike and Scotty become part of the traditonal pre-Pay-Per-View free-for-all.)
©2000 BOB Wrestling!