MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 7!
LUCKY SEVEN? MAYBE!
(We open with a sweeping pan of the Uncompleted Arena, in beautiful Toxic Falls, Colorado! The fans raise dozens of signs, severly restricting visibilty for anyone sitting more than three rows back. Some limp pyro. Lots of "BOSS vs VOSS" signs.. thanks to the BOB Marketing department... they worked on those signs all night! We pick up Mike "The Monotone" Monroe and Scotty Whatbody in their usual position.)
MM: IT'S MONDAY! And that means it's time for MAYHEM!! MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM! On MONDAY!
SW: Nice opening, Mike..
MM: Thanks! GBH is on sabbatical this week..
SW: He got lost again, didn't he?
MM: Shut up.. well, this is going to be a real barn-burner today! Or not.We have the first match in our womens division! Mr Claven and The Phobic lock it up! And Justin Voss runs the Corporate Gauntlet! Can he thwart the BOSS'es and finally gain his rematch with Viet Kong?
SW: Voss has everything to lose and twice as much to gain while risking it all... in that one.. wait, that came out all wrong... can we redo that?
MM: This isn't "Pre-taped Thursday", Scotty.. The Masked Annnoucer is in the ring.. so let's cut through the customary pre-match babble and get straight to the action!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! This match is scheduled for one fall! Entering first, weighing a svelte 125 pounds.. BARBIE "THE BRIDE" BANNER!
("The Wedding March" plays as Barbie makes her appearance. She heads straight for the ring, ignoring the wolf-whistling fans.)
SW: Barbie looks P.O'ed!
MM: Can you blame her? She enters wrestling to get revenge on men and ends up in a womens division! Well, here comes her opponent!
MA: Introducing, accompianied by Mae B. Young.. from South Philly.. also weighing 125 pounds.. LYNETTE "BULL" DYKSTRA!!
("Philadelphia Freedom" by Elton John plays as the newcomer enters. She's wearing a Phillies uniform.. number 69.. she's accompianied by a somewhat older woman... for some reason, she's carrting a battered shower sponge.)
MM: Mae B. Young! There's a name from the past! And as always, she's accompanied by..
SW: Don't tell me.. "The Fabulous Loofah"?
MM: You catch on quick! Lynette hits the ring! I wonder if she's related to the great Lenny Dykstra?
SW: Could be! I've actually seen Lynette in action before in the LPWA!
MM: The Ladies Professional Wrestling Association?
SW: Uh, Close, Mike, close...
("Man, I Feel Like A Woman" suddenly begins playing. The camera pans to the aisle, where a very small female wrestler is heading to ringside, closely persued by The BigBOSS.)
MM: Who is that?
SW: It looks like.. Andrew Spink in a dress? This is getting wierd early today...
AS: Hold everything! I've got dis contract here dat states dat I'm entitled ta two (2) title shots at da womens title in the event of Justin Voss being forced to wrestle Viet Kong on a Thursday during a month with a vowel in it! I demand my shot right now!
(The Bell rings.. no-one notices.)
BB: What? Are you insane? Firstly, Your contract doesn't say that! Secondly, we don't even HAVE a womens title yet! And third, you're not even a woman! You're barely even a man!
(Cut to the locker room. Bobo Fiendish is shown, watching a monitor. He gets up without a word and heads to ringside.)
MM: Oh, boy! This is getting interesting.. here comes Bobo!
Bobo: Hello, my intended.. Now listen to me, shortarse.. this new womens divsion pleases me.. but if you want to get in the ring with them.. I will be forced to turn you into a Dali-esque garden ornament.. Have a nice day...
Barbie: *ahem*.. excuse me?
SW: Wait up! Here comes Justin Voss!
JV: Hey! Don't diss my little buddy like that! Or the lout-pouter and you will have some serious words! Maybe at "A Near Deth Experience"!
BB: Leave the PPV-plugs to Mike and Scotty... Now beat it, Voss, you've got a big match tonigh.. no, not HIM!
MM: Oh great.. Here comes "Charlie"!
Barbie: Is anyone even watching thi..?
"Charlie": BeegBASS! Why yoo wanna make Veet Kon figh stoopid Voss at "NAGAM Too"? Dis is BOOLSHEET!
BB: He's the champ! He has to defend.. oh, God, what now?
SW: It's GI Slow!
Lynette: Oh, blow this for a lark, Barbie.. let's get out of here.. I know a great bar...
GI Slow: Honestly BigBOSS, do these tights make my ass look big?
BB: OF COURSE THEY DO! Your ass would look big in a circus tent! Would all of you lunatics get the hell away from ringside and let the fans concentrate on the match!
SW: What? Is it over? I wonder who won?
(Cut to the Masked Announcer.... he shrugs.)
MM: Looks like we'll never know.. well, let's move on, shall we?
MA: This match is a "Doubly Dangerous DQ Debut" Match, scheduled for one DQ.. and hopefully it'll be better than the last one... introducing first, from Boston, Mass... weighing 240 pounds.. MR CLAVEN!
(Mr Claven enters, tossing mail into the crowd. Halfway down the aisle, Eddie starts playing "Return to Sender" (Elvis in Tha Houwse Scratch Mix). Not bad pop for the disgruntled one..)
MA: And his opponent.. weighing in at 260 pounds.. THE PHOBIC!
(A midi file of "Thriller" plays.. even Eddie B. can't mess that one up... The Phobic heads down to ringside, clutching his "blankie". He has a black mask on.. apparently his agrophobia is playing up today..)
MM: The Generic ref checks the boots.. motions for the bell..
MM: ..And we're away! Both men circling.. regulation lockup.. The Phobic hiptosses Mr Claven to the mat! Claven's up.. another hiptoss! The Phobic drops a fist! Nice move! Mr Claven rolls out to the floor to break the momentum... The Phobic waits on him..
SW: Let me get this straight, Mike.. this match only ends in a DQ? So you have to GET DQ'd? Lose it to win it?
MM: In effect..
SW: Another winner of a concept...
MM: Claven is back in.. lock-up.. NO! Forearm to the face rocks The Phobic! A series of punches.. clothesline city! The Phobic tumbles over the ropes! Ouch!
SW: A nasty fall all right... oh, yeah! Here we go! Mr Clavens going for a chair! He's going to blast The Phobic right in front of the Ref!
MM: Nice duck from The Phobic! Mr Claven waffles the ringpost! The shock from that must have travelled all the way up his arms! The Phobic goes for the chair! They're struggling over it.. boot to the midsection from The Phobic! He's got it! Mr Claven dives out of the way of that attempted chairshot! He's got the bell! He swings as The Phobic tries to chairshot him again...
MM: Ouch! Both men got a piece of that! The ref is letting it continue! Mr Claven fumbles under the ring.. he's got a broom! The Phobic tries to get away from him.. But Mr Claven snaps the broom over his back.. Will the ref DQ him?
The Phobic: (Through gritted teeth): It didn't hurt a bit, ref.. he barely touched me..
MM: He's letting it go! This one will continue! The Phobic DDT's Mr Claven on the floor! He's got a tray of sodas! Wham! A facefull for Mr Claven! Is it over?
GR: That's fine, keep going!
MM: No! Blatant lowblow from The Phobic.. ref lets it slide! Mr Claven rakes the eyes! He reaches for a water bottle! Wham! he lets The Phobic have it right between the eyes!
GR: I'll allow it!
SW: Well, this was thought out well... wrestlings got so liberal these days, DQ's aren't that easy to get!
MM: True... and to think, in the 80's this one would be over with a quick toss over the top rope! Mr Claven back to his feet.. European uppercut staggers The Phobic! Scoop... running powerslam through a table! Awesome move!
SW: But no DQ! This one could take hours! Wait up... here comes Xenomorph with a baseball bat!
MM: Oh, good.. the good old outside interferance bit! Who's he going after?
SW: I can't tell! And since the cardboard and plastic mask he wears has slipped over his eyes, I don't think he does either! He swings wildly! And blasts the Phobic! It's got to be over!
MM: It is!
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen.. The winner by disqualification.. MR CLAVEN! I think...
MM: Lets go to a break and we'll be back with more action momentarily!
A NEAR DETH EXPERIENCE! It'll be... something! We think. Why not order it anyway?
SW: Well, the standard of the promos are right on a par with the standard of the matches tonight.. what's next, Alex Smith versus Xenomorph?
MM: No... an "AYOOYFM" Title defence!
SW: All right! Blood, sweat and chairs! Who's Bobo fighting?
MM: I'm not sure.. let's head backstage and find out!
(Cut to The BOSS'es, who are with Bobo Fiendish.)
BB: Bobo.. about your match.. uhhh... we had a slight problem finding an opponent...
Bobo: No-one signed for Bobo's Wild Ride, did they?
LB: Well, actually several signed.. Tostin Showers signed Birdboys name, Birdboy signed Viet Kongs name, XXXtreme signed Justin Voss's name.. you get the picture..
BB: But here's what we'll do.. you'll get a match at "NAGAM#2".. we'll find an opponent one way or another.. and then.. you'll also get to pick your own opponent for MMM#8!! And you get to set whatever stipulations you want! How's that sound?
(The camera zooms in on Bobo.. he almost.. not quite, but almost... smiles. We cut back to ringside.)
SW: Aw MAN! No "AYOOYFM" match!
MM: Well, you'll get to call it at "NAGAM" this week...
SW: Yeah, with Charlie... that'll be a barrel of laughs... This has been the suckiest Mayhem ever!
(Cut to the bedroom of a 20-something male. In the great traditions of visual comedy, he has a thermometer in his mouth and a Comedy Icebag™ on his head... he's typing slowly on a handy PC.)
The HeadWriter: Sue me...
(Cut back to ringside)
MM: Well, it's on to our Main Event! Justin Voss runs the Corporate Gauntlet!!
MA: Introducing first... at a total combined weight of 817 pounds.. The BOSSGuards.. LOCK, SHOCK and BARRY!
("Bad Boys" by Inner Circle plays as the three bodyguards amble out to the ring, exchanging high-fives. Lusty boos from the crowd.. even lustier boos from Eddie B's "Best of Thunder" Crowd Noises CD)
MM: This will be a real test for Voss! Barry goes well over 300 pounds, and Lock used to play back-up defensive linebacker for his high school! The roadblock begins right here!
MA: And their opponent.. accompanied by "The Little Big Man" Andrew Spink... weighing a fair ol' swag of ponuds.. "THE STEREOTYPED FACE"... JUSTINNNN VOSS!
(Eddie B. mixes up a storm as he frantically cuts between "If You're Happy and You Know It" and "The Birdy Dance"... The resultant cacophany shorts out the speakers... much to everyones relief... Justin and Andrew dance down the aisle, to a huge pop.)
MM: It looks like Shock is going to start things off for the Corporate Crew! Justin has a few last-minute words with Andrew.. he's in the ring now.. and a blindside clothesline from Shock jumpstarts the match! Voss was knocked for a loop! Shock is stomping away at him viciously! Voss rolls out to the floor to escape!
SW: There's no escape there! Go get him!!
MM: This is despicable! Lock and Barry double-team Justin on the floor! Lock rams him face-first into the ringpost! Shock has the ref tied up... The BigBOSS has to be loving this!
(Cut to the BOSS'es executive suite. The BigBOSS is reading "How to Make Enemies and Influence People" by Vincent K. McMahon and practising his "Heel Scowl". The Li'lBOSS is being fed grapes by Miss Behave. A monitor is broadcasting the match.)
SW: Yep, he's loving every second of it, I think! Wow! Check out the spiked powerbomb on the outside! I don't think Voss is going to be in the "Swiss Army" rankings much longer!
MM: Lock tosses him back in.. Shock finally lets the ref out of the corner and heads over to the battered Face! Scoops him up for another powerbomb.. NO! REVERSE VICTORY ROLL FROM VOSS! 1! 2! 3!!! What the hell?!
(Cut back to the BOSS'es suite. The BigBOSS is turning purple, as he appears to have inadvertantly slammed his finger in the book he was reading. The Li'lBOSS sits up so sharply a grape shoots across the room and bounces off the camera.)
BB: Remind me to dock his pay!
LB: Right, BOSS!
(Back to the ring.)
MM: Unbelievable stuff here! Justin Voss is one-third of the way to a shot at the "Swiss Army" belt! Lock is in to replace Shock! Double axehandle to the back of Justins head! Irish whip.. Lock drops his head for a backdrop.. Float-over DDT by Voss! Beautifully done! He's a house of fire! Big chop!
SW: Tweet? TWEET? You gotta be kidding me!
MM: Something to do with that Bird Dance, I think... Voss whips Lock to the buckle.. charges in to deliver a crushing clothesline! Monkeyflip out of the corner! Justin scales the bauckle to wiggle his head at the fans!
SW: That's a mistake! He does not have time to showboat! Lock is up..
MM: Whoa! Huge back suplex off the middle turnbuckle! Voss bounces half-way across the ring!
SW: Told ya..
MM: Lock picks Voss up and drags his eyes across the rope! Big sidewalk slam! Voss is in trouble! Cover.. and Voss kicks out at two! What intestinal fortitude by the youngster! Lock redoubles his efforts! Back breaker! And he picks him up for another! Spinning toehold!
SW: Very old school... Look out! Small package by Voss! 1.. 2..
MM: ..NO! Lock kicks out! Huge forearm sends Voss straight to the mat! Lock is setting something up.. he bounces off the ropes.. over to the other side..
SW: Hey, the halfpint tripped him! BOOO!
MM: You're right! Andrew Spink grabbed Locks leg! Lock is down.. Justin heads to the top... FROG SPLASH! He nailed him! One.. two.. THREE! Lock is gone! Do you believe it?!
(Cut back to the BOSS'es.)
BB: I knew we should have drugged Voss befor this started.. We better go to Plan B...
LB: He's still gotta get past Barry.. shouldn't we wait and..
BB: Barry? The boy looks impressive, but he's got a jaw made of Waterford crystal! C'mon!
(They leave the suite. We cut back to the ring.)
MM: Voss and Barry are exchanging right hands in the center of the ring! The crowd is going nuts! Voss connects with a big uppercut! And Barry is DOWN!!
SW: He hit the deck like a sack of spuds! I think he's out! Justin is covering!
MM: The Generic Ref makes one of those typically slow "It-must-be-over" counts...
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!
MM: He's DONE it!
SW: I don't believe this! How did he beat all of them? The BOSS is going to have a few words about this!
BB: You're damn right I will!
MM: The BOSS is here! And who's that with him? The guy covered in the black sheet? Who is that?
BB: THAT is my latest roadblock, Mr Exposition! VOSS! You may have beaten my bodyguards, therefore earning a title shot at "NAGAMSPTT" this week! But I'm not done with you yet! You'll get your shot at Kong, if.. and I want this in a nice bold font, because it's really important.. and only IF.. You beat my new CORPORATE ENFORCER! See you there, pal! Ah hah ahah hahh! HAH!
MM: Voss can't believe it! He's got to fight a mystery opponent before he gets his shot! The BOSS has changed the rules and screwed him one more time!
SW: Hahahaha!!! Suck eggs, Voss! Seeya on Thursday!
MM: He's been screwed! He's been screwed! He's been..
(Mike keeps repeating that inane phrase until we fade out..)
©2000 BOB Wrestling!