MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM 8!
IF YOU SQUINT, GBH LOOKS JUST LIKE MITTENS!
(We open in the BigBOSS'es office.. or a least, a cheap mock-up of an office.)
Caption: EARLIER THIS WEEK.
Offscreen Voice: Knock, knock!
BB: Enter crawling, underling!
(The door opens and a sharply-dressed lawyer walks in. We can tell he's a lawyer, beacuse of a mediumly-large sign around his neck reading "A Lawyer".)
BB: Yes? What do you want? Very busy, very busy, much to do, time is money..
A Lawyer: I'll be frank, then.
BB: Okayyy.. can I still be the BigBOSS?
(Cut to an arena full of slackers cracking up and yelling "Party on, BOSS!".. that movie is STILL funny after all this time!)
A Lawyer: I represent New Line Cinema.. we have a writ writted against you, citing character violation perpetrated by one Tostin Showers.
Offscreen voice: Knock, knock.
(A second be-suited man enters. He has a sign around his neck reading "Another Lawyer.")
Another Lawyer: BigBOSS, I represent the World Wrestling Federation. I'd like to speak to you about a Mr The Domino.
BB: Oh, great.. I knew this day would come. Gentlemen, this situation can be easily resolved. Here's what we'll do...
(Cut to the hallway.. the Li'lBOSS is walking down it, a huge armload of paperwork teetering dangerously. He reaches the BOSS'es office just as the lawyers leave.)
LB: BigBOSS, I've brought you last weeks ratings..
BB: Let's see it then.. what the...? We got beaten by All-Talk Thursday? What's that?
LB: Uhh.. the STWF's all-interview show.. last week they had a Neige Thirteen interview, a BILL Injury update and a segment called "The Violent Pacifist Eats Lunch".
BB: We lost to THAT? Damn I hate them! What about the Monday show?
LB: We were pipped by "STWF CLASSIX", I'm afraid. That Gruff/Invisiblo main event was a killer...
BB: I have to do something about those guys.. I really do.
(Fade to the opening titles.)
(We're in the Foam Dome, in sunny Flatulence, Idaho! A medium-ly large crowd is waving badly-spelled signs and spilling beer over each other. Cut to Mike, Scotty and GBH at the usual ringside table.)
MM: WELCOME TO Monday Morning Mayhem! ON MONDAY! (Or a reasonable facsimile!) I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, along with Scotty Whatbody and the Immovable Object, GBH!
GBH: Duh.. thingee.. yur.
SW: All right! Whoo! Yeah! Justin Voss sucks!
MM: Are you finished?
SW: Just getting warmed up, Mike!
(BOB management would like to point out that Scotty Whatbodys' opinion as a heel commentator does not reflect the views of the company at large. Justin Voss is a very nice person...)
MM: Well, it should be a stupendous show today! Shutt Von Trapp makes her debut, meeting Lynette Dykstra! The worlds tallest redneck, Billy Bob also enters the BOB arena! And in our Mayhem Main Event, Bobo Fiendish will defend the "AYOOYFM" Title against a hand-picked opponent, in a "Get Yo Butt Out of the Boiler Room Brawl"!
SW: Still no word on who the victim.. erm, opponent is..
GBH: Duh.. Scotty fight Bobo.. yur..
MM: I'd pay to see that, GBH.. but I don't think it'll happen!
SW: Too bloody right it won't!!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen.. this is the first contest of the morning, and it is a potential first-round match in the "The BOSS'll Have to Buy a Belt" Womans Championship Tournament... potential because we don't even know who's entered the tourney yet.. introducing first.. to my left.. LYNETTE DYKSTRA!
(Mediocre pop for Lynette's jobber entrance.)
MA: And her opponent.. from Somewhere in Austria, Europe... SHUTT VON TRAPP!!
("The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music" is cued, pleasing the older folks in attandance. Eddies' scratching doesn't win any new fans, though.)
MM: Well, two ladies at the peak of their physical prowess, ready to lock it up in the ring! Mondays just don't come any better, right Scotty?
SW: What do we want? PUPPIES! When do we want them? NOW!
MM: Scotty! One of those woman is a nun, for crying out loud! The Generic Ref calls for the bell and this one has begun! Lockup into a standing switch by Shutt Von Trapp! Slithers around into a half-nelson.. sweeps the legs.. nice takedown! Lynette vounces to her feet again..OH!
SW: Yeah! B!tch-slapped the taste right out of her mouth!
MM: Taste? BOB wrestling has no taste.. at least that's what that Parents group keeps telling us...
GBH: Duh. Wacky, wacky wacky! Hur hur hur...
MM: Yup, lots of wacky, GBH. Look at the uppercuts Lynette is delivering! Big knee to the abdominals! Hip-toss! Ms. Von Trapp slides to the floor! Good strategy, taking a timeout and stopping the momentum! Shutt returns to the ring.. standing dropkick out of nowhere! A nice move takes Lynette by surprise!
SW: C'mon! Pull some hair! Rip some clothing! Couldn't we have sprung for some mud on this one?
MM: Scotty, you know I think you would need a ladder just to get your mind INTO the gutter...
GBH: Duh! Puppies!
GBH: Duh.. here..
MM: Oh, for heavens sake, GBH.. put those away!
SW: Eeewww.. man-breasts! Not pretty at this time of the morning..
MM: Shutt Von Trapp has Lynette in a figure-four leglock! Lynette twisting and writhing as she reaches for the ropes! Can she make it? YES! The ref breaks up the hold! Lyentte limps waway from the homicidal nun! Big kick to the back of her knee! And again! No mercy being shown here! You've gone quiet, Scotty..
SW: I'm still trying to get GBH's man-breasts out of my mind..
MM: Lynette is tossed over the top rope by Shutt! she's calling for someone.. Good lord! A troupe of singing nuns is coming down the aisle! And they're beating Lynette with their cruxifixes and rosaries! This is going to get us in trouble with the Religous Right!
SW: Now THAT'S how you solve a problem like Lynette!
MM: The Generic Ref is doing a great job of distracting himself! The nuns roll Lyennete back in.. a cover.. one... another one.. and three! It's over, folks!
MA: The winner of this match.. SHUTT VON TRAPP!
MM: What a spectacularly mediocre start to the day! Time for a commercial I think..
"A NEAR DETH EXPERIENCE!" The only Pay-Per-View in history who's acronym spells "ANDE"! Coming soon! Buy it! Or not...
MM: And we're back..
MM: Whatever. Onwards and upwards.. take it away, Masked Announcer!
MA: This contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a "Pink Slip by Proxy" match!! The loser's client will be FIRED from the Brawlers On a budget!
MM: Well this is interesting...
MA: Introducing first.. representing The Domino.. from the firm of Sue, Grabbit and Runn.. FRANK RUNN!
(Eddie B. cues "Lawyer, Guns and Money" by Warren Zevon as one of the lawyers from the opening skit enters, along with The Domino.)
MA: And his opponent.. from the firm of Shyster, Shyster, Cheatum and Shyster.. he represents Tostin Showers.. KYLE SHYSTER!
(The other lawyer enters.. Eddie blanks for a few seconds, then cues "Money" by Pink Floyd. Tostin emerges behind the lawyer,draped in a gold velvet smoking jacket. No reaction as usual...)
MM: This is a first, Scotty! Two men's careers are now in the hands of two lawyers! This should be a doozy! The bell sounds..
MM: And here we go! The two lawyers clash in the center of the ring! Shyster brings his briefcase around in a vicious overhead swing! That staggered Runn! He responds with a handful of affadavidts! He's literaly feeding the paperwork to Shyster!
SW: Shysters got Runns tie, though! A costume-assisted giant swing! Around and around he goes!
MM: And a big biel across the ring! These two are not holding back! The Domino and Tostin are mixing it up on the outside as well! The fans are loving this!
SW: Do you blame them? Two lawyers beating each other up! This is great!
GBH: Duh. Hairy guy. In ring. Yur
MM: You're right, GBH! Tostin has been chased through the ring by The Domino! He ricochets of Runn! Runn is knocked into Shyster who executes a nice firemans carry suplex! Kips up.. standing moonsault onto the prone lawyer! just a two-count, though!
SW: These guys have some moves.. it's like we dressed up two jobbers as lawyers or something..
MM: Shyster whips Runn to the ropes.. Reversal by Runn.. he's setting up for "The Closing Arguement"! NAILED IT! One..
SW: Wait! We've never seen these two wrestle before! How did you know what it's called?
MM: Remeber the Undertaker being a "Mystery Opponent" but the commentator still knowing the move was a "Tombstone? Two!
MM: Same thing. THREE! It's over and Tostin Showers is HISTORY!
SW: BOB! Screwjobs, stuff-ups and stupid, pointless matches!
MM: And speaking of which...
Voice-Over: J.. W...O!
(The nameless jWo theme plays as Hoddsider Rawkus oozes down to the ring. He stops to stare lopsidedly into the camera and throws a toothpick at the Masked Announcer.)
D.J Rawkus: Hey, yo!
D.J: Uhh.. that's all I have to say.. yo?
MA: And his opponent.. from a trailer park in Tornado Alley, Alalabama.. standing 7'9" and weighing 250 pounds.. BILLY BOB!
(Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Break Heart" plays. Eddie B can be seen banging his head on his mixing desk. Little reaction as the newbie enters.. except a few scattered "Tall, isn't he?" comments)
MM: Well, this is the first time we've seen Billy Bob here in BOB..
SW: Tall, isn't he?
MM: Very perceptive, Scotty... he's a giant! Only time will tell wether he has the skills to back it up, though! Rawkus jump-starts the match with a blatant low-blow drop-kick! The Generic ref is admonishing him about it...
SW: Well, that would have hit a normal-sized wrestler in the chest, be fair!
MM: Billy Bob swings a ham-sized fist at Rawkus! Ouch! Short clothesline! A scoop.. and a slam from out of the lights!
SW: Billy is so huge, I'm surprised he doesn't need oxygen! Ouch! Rawkus gets him with another shot down south!
MM: It didn't faze him much! Roundhouse kick to the head! And a series of clubbing fists knock the Hoodsider back to the ropes.. Billy Bob follows up with a lariat that sends Rawkus tumbling over the top! Not too much in the way of technical skills from Billy Bob...
SW: Well, he did learn his techinque wrestling for quarters at "Bubba's Mud-'Rassling and Pig Gropin' Emporium". Or so I've heard... Hey! Here comes the other Hoodsider, Carjack! He's in the ring and getting right in Billy Bob's face.. well, in his chest, anyway! I can see where this is leading...
GBH: Duh.. hurty thingee!
MM: SIX-PACK STUNNER! Carjack bounces out of the ring like a rubber ball after that semi-devastating move! Rawkus is back in.. Billy turns.. ANOTHER Lowblow!!
SW: And the Ref's had enough! There's a recording of a bell!
MA: For repeated shots below the belt, the referee has disqualified DJ Rawkus! Therefore, your winner.. BILLY BOB!
DJ R: Hey! I WAS aiming for his chest!
MM: The Generic Ref isn't listening to Rawkus's protests! This on is in the book!
SW: Boy, are we having a suckfest today! I'm going to have trouble making the Thursday Show worse than this!
MM: Oh, I think we can improve things.. let's go to a commercial...
SW: How will that improve things?
MM: Watch and learn, Scotty..
(We cut to a shot on the BOB-tron of Bobo Fiendish walking down a hallway toward the boiler room. A second later we cut to an identical shot of his opponent...)
SW: It's KAMIKAZIE KEN! Oh YEAH! This is going to be the most hardcore match EVER! WOOHOO!!
This episode of Monday Morning Mayhem is brought to you by Crunchy-O's! GBH's favourite sugar-encrusted ceral byproduct! And by The Termite-Thumper! The best defense for your home from the invading hordes of nature! And finally by Beer For Girls! The one-time official drink of "Soft Core" Zack! (We withdrew our sponsership after he started that icky "Rump Ranger" schtick...)
MM: And we're BACK! Our Main event is ready to go! It's a "Get Yo Butt Out Of The Boiler Room Brawl"! As you can see, the "AYOOYFM" Title belt is hanging in one corner of the ring.. the only way to win this match is to exit the boiler room, make your way to the ring, climb the pole, retrieve the belt and sing the National Anthem.. although we won't be too strict on the last bit..
SW: One question, springs to mind, Mike...
GBH: Duh.. Can't. See. Hurty guys.
SW: You see? Even GBH pointed it out.. we don't have monitors yet! Can we move closer to the BOB-Tron or something?
MM: Good call!
(There is several minutes of silence as the announce team drag their table closer to the big screen. We cut to a shot of Bobo entering the boiler room. There is no sign of Ken.)
Bobo: Here Kenny, Kenny, Kenny! Heh.
(As he moves through the boiler room, the camera slowly pans upwards, revealling Kamikazie ken standing on top of the largest boiler, cape outstreched.)
MM: Okay, we're in postion now.. OH MY LORD! Ken has set an ambush for Bobo.. SINTON BOMB OFF THE BOILER! Bobo never saw it coming, while still helping to break Kens fall! Both men crash through a pile of Ezy-Break(TM) plastic pipes! What a start to the match!
SW: Yeah! This one is going to make up for all the crap we had to sit through today! Ken has a plastic pipe.. shatters it over Bobos' head! YEAH!
MM: This match is going to be brutal, folks! Bobo makes it to his feet.. Ken backs off.. no, he's getting a run-up.. Flying side-kick! Bobo is blasted over a conveniently-placed saw horse! There's no padding there! You have to think neither man will be the same after this one!
SW: And with these two men, that could only be an improvement! Do you think Bobo's finally found someone crazier than he is?
MM: Only time will tell, Scotty!
GBH: Duh.. Blue guy. Got wood.
MM: What?? Are you trying to get us cancelled?
GBH: Duh. He does. He got wood.
MM: Stop it!
SW: It's a plank, Mike, relax!
MM: Oh, thank God for that! Bobo gets a two-by-four across the shoulder blades! Where's Ken going now? Oh, my! He's setting up a ladder! That's a REAL ladder, folks!
SW: Way to keep hyping it, Mikey! Ken is going up all right.. he's gotta be ten feet up.. MOONSAULT!
MM: Bobo met Ken in mid-air.. that drop-kick got Kenny right in the face!
SW: Not to mention his head hitting the concrete.. that's adding injury to injury! Both men are down! Who's the toughest? Who wants it worse!
MM: That's the way, Scotty, keep spewing out those cliches like a good color announcer should! Bobo's up! He drags Ken up and rams him headfirst into the side of the boiler! And again! Ken's spitting teeth out left, right and center! Where are they going now?
SW: That pile of building materials is a good guess! Oh, nice use of the tiles by Bobo! Kens much-abused cranium is taking a pounding today!
MM: Fiendish whips Ken into a large, teetering pile of bricks, which collapse on cue! Bobo tries to follow up with a clothesline.. Ken ducks! Backdrop onto the bricks! That's gotta hurt! Ken drops an elbow to the winded Bobo..Ken is making his way towards the door of the boiler room! Bobo hauls himself out of the bricks.. he's found a sheet of plate glass!
SW: I can't watch!
SW: Is Ken okay?
MM: I don't know, I couldn't watch either!
GBH: Duh.. ouchy!
MM: Ken is down and he's bleeding from half a dozen locations! Bobo steps over him and opens the door! He's out of the boiler room, but this one is a long way from being over! Ken is back to his feet, and he also staggers out of the boiler room! They're duking it out in the hallway! Bobo is rammed into the wall! Ken has got a water cooler! BAM! Bobo is soaked and bruised! Ken's throwing Bobo into the locker room! BOB Superstars scatter like chickens! Big SeXXXy didn't get out of the way in time! Bobo cannons into him.. he goes down hard!
SW: Look out! Ken's not done! Springboard splash off a table! Bobo rolls away!
Big SeXXXy: ow! that hurt!
MM: Bobo grabs Ken from behind.. running bulldog!! Kens head just went through a retaining wall! Bobo drags him back out and makes another Ken-shaped window! Bobo is taking no prisoners here! Ken reaches out blindly, plaster dust showering off him! He's got one of Blackjack Hooligans beers!
MM: Right over Bobos skull! Ken's got another bottle! Make it a double! Blackjack looks outraged at the wastage of his brews! He's coming after Ken...
SW: I guess he deosn't mind breakage as long as he's the one doing it! Ken and Bobo stumble out of the locker room! They're heading for.. is that a kitchen?
MM: It sure is! The Foam Dome put in a "Wendys" burger bar last month! And these two are going at it right in the middle of it! Bobo gets a stack of plastic trays over his head! He retaliates with a ketchup dispenser! Ken is blinded! He staggers back.. Bobo's got him!! He's trying to feed Kens hands through the bun-toaster! Ken mulekicks Bobo to escape! He armdrags Bobo into the industrial-sized sinks! Bobo makes good his escape with a handy hose! This is incredible!
SW: Where are they going now? Oh, my! Look out! Ken whips Bobo towards the wall.. reversal.. reversed again. and again.. the momentum building..and building.. LOOK OUT!
GBH: Duh. Extra-crispy..
MM: GOOD LORD! OH MY GOD! Ken was just flung onto the grill! Stop the match! This is insane!
GBH: Duh. They kill. Kenny. Bastards. Hur hur hur..
SW: No, don't stop it! Let 'em fight it out! Let's see who wants it more!
MM: A somewhat-singed Ken rolls off the grill! He's in big trouble! Bobo turns and stalks out towards ringside! He's got a clear run to the belt! The fans are going nuts! Bobo is in the aisle now, and it looks like nothing can stop him!
SW: Wait a minute.. do you hear that? What is that?
MM: It sounds like.. a golf cart! Ken's found a golf cart.. and he's driving it at Bobo at full speed! DIRECT HIT! Bobo is blasted into the second row!
SW: Ken can't control the golf cart! He's heading right for us! RUN!!!
(The nex six minutes are silent, accompanied with shots of Ken lying in the remains of the announce table, and shots of Bobo climbing out of the crowd and back into the ring.)
(***Bell eventually rings)
MA: Here is your winner.. and STILLLL "AYOOYFM" Champion.. BOBO Q. FIENDISH! Th'-th'-th'-that's all, folks!
©2000 BOB Wrestling!