[A generic sports desk in what appears to be a hastily put together studio is seen with Mike “the Monotone” Monroe sitting there wearing a cheap blazer.]
Mike Monroe: Hello sports fans! Great to be back on the payroll for March Mayhem 2009!
[Umm, we’re not paying you.]
MM: Right! We’re here to break down each bracket in this all important tournament to either crown a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS or see if SMP can defy the odds and successfully defend his title against 64 other BOBsters! I’m now joined with the regional commentators to air our grievances over the seedings and other nonsensical dialog! Say hello to the announce team for the SMOOTH AND DIRTY BRACKET, our regular dynamic duo of Mikey Styles and Scotty Whatbody!
Styles: OH MY GOD! THIS IS GOING TO BE EXTREME!
SW: WHOO HOO! Why the *bleep* am I here?
MM: Doing the play-by-play in the SMOKE DOGGIE DOGG REGION, please welcome Dennis the former interview guy and GBH!
D: Cheerio, mate!
D: JOLLY GOOD!
MM: Representing the FAT ASS MINER BRACKET, welcome back Mark Shill and filling in for the Detached Narrator, you saw him earlier reprimanding Scotty, ACTION ASTERISK GUY!
MS: THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST MARCH MAYHEM IN RECORDED MARCH MAYHEM HISTORY!
MM: And finally, calling the INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT ICON EXECUTIVE PRODUCER BRACKET, obviously hand-picked by Trey Vincent, the lovely Kay Fabe and Nurse Heidi!
[Cut to Kay Fabe and Nurse Heidi at the end of the desk, Kay is holding her hands out in front of her like she’s telling a “fish that got away” story. Heidi then holds out her right hand with her thumb and index finger about 2 inches apart. Kay giggles.]
NH: I know, right!
*they high five*
NH: Thanks Action Asterisk Guy!
*grabs Heidi’s left booby*
NH: Stop that you pervert!
MM: What a tournament this is going to be. Let’s get right to the discussion, shall we? But first, what’s going on with the Detached Narrator?
Styles: I heard he’s suing BOB for continuing to use scene description placed between brackets after he was released to former BOBsters on the roster page.
SW: Yeah, he had a patent on it.
MM: That’s ridiculous!
MS: IT’S THE MOST RIDICULOUS LAWSUIT EVER!
[Everybody sits in silence for a minute or two.]
MM: Umm, yeah… whatever. We have a lot of things to cover here, let’s move along!
D: BLOODY GOOD, BY JOVE! Let’s discuss this thing!
GBH: Ow! You’re naughty to GBH.
MM: Guys, please! The SMOOTH AND DIRTY BRACKET starts off with 1 SMP vs. 16 Stinkbutt Nastyass, as the Doc tries to erase a loss to the loose sphinctered one from March Mayhem 2002.
Styles: The Smooth Operator is definitely holding a grudge, he should easily advance in this one. Dirty, dirty heel.
MM: SMP, if he moves on, will face the winner of former Pan Galactic Champion Lord Lestat von Sexbat and Pigeon, the 8 and 9 seeds. Your thoughts?
[Nobody looks up from the various other things they are doing to occupy their time.]
MM: Okay! I love this next match-up, former 2 time, and first 2 time, winner of THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Billy Polar… faces former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in what was one of the darkest days in BOB’s history when in won it, XXXteme Machine who’s a dangerous 12 seed.
Styles: A 12 seed beats a 5 seed every year, this would be an EXTREME upset.
NH: I still haven’t forgiven Billy for saying he got me pregnant. Go XXXtreme Machine!
D: BY JOVE! Are you mad? You’re cheering for Machine?
NH: I did, didn’t I? Oh well, it would be funny to see him beat Billy.
MM: We have some pre-taped comments from XXXtreme Machine when he found out he made the field.
XXXtreme: fuk yea gt wstrn kntucky im guna when ths tornmant n b oly workdl chmeinp tht maturs!
*BWAA HAAAA HAAAAA*
MM: Correct analysis on that one, Action Asterisk Guy!
Everybody: BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAA!
MM: Okay, okay… Resuscitated American Panda returns to face Uber Vampire Warrior, the 4 and 13 seeds. A 4 seed very generous for Panda, I think. Anybody else?
[The rest of the panel stares at Mike indifferent and with general malaise.]
MM: Okay, I sense a trend developing here. You guys could care less about this, am I right?
Kay: Pretty much.
MM: Shhhh! Kayfabe! Kayfabe!
MM: We should act enthusiastic and pumped up for this. Keep the suspended disbelief alive.
SW: This is BOB, Mike. What the *bleep* did you expect? Oh yeah, thanks again, Action Asterisk Guy.
MM: Steve Studnuts takes on Joe Bananas at the 6 and 11 match-up. Studnuts placed with his home team Arizona State in a blatant attempt by Trey Vincent to make the road harder for Studnuts to meet him at MEGABRAWL III.
Styles: Do these single matches count against him if Studnuts loses? Doesn’t he have to stay undefeated to face Trey?
SW: I thought that was only against guys Trey picked, this tournament has non Trey chosen opponents for Steve, so I guess he’s still in the running even if he doesn’t win this thing?
MM: I don’t know? GBH, do you?
[Cut to GBH is doodling on Mike’s blazer sleeve with a magic marker.]
MM: Umm, Kay?
Kay: Don’t look at me.
NH: Drawing a blank.
MM: Action Asterisk Guy?
MM: So nobody knows?
D: It’s bloody unanimous, mate.
MM: Fine then. Hamster Girl, the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion at #3 takes on Cyborg Angelina X, the 14 seed. I look for Hamster Girl to move on here even against this seemingly dangerous robot. And at the always interesting 7/10 match-up, Kurt Angel battles Hallucination Boy and is prime for the upset I think. Clemson vs. Michigan? Clemson has a history of falling short every year.
SW: Maybe Axl should have Clemson.
MM: We’ll get to that later. Rounding out this bracket, the 2 seed. Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam, getting a surprising high seed due to accomplishments over at eWmania. A slap in the face to a lot of BOBsters.
NH: Aww, he’s cute with his Mr. Magoo glasses. Give him a break.
MM: He’ll face the Guy in the background during a Sarah “the Jobber Slayer” promo. Interesting choice there.
SW: His out of conference schedule is indisputable.
Styles: Oh yeah, quality road wins.
MM: Are you guys serious?
[Styles and Scotty look at each other and being laughing uproariously.]
MM: Right. We’re already running out of time and you guys don’t care about this. So, in the FAT MINER BRACKET Kobe Gyant, the #1 seed, gets a rout in round one facing The Flunky, who to my knowledge still has a no bump clause in his contract and has never wrestled a match in his life. At 8 and 9, Insano Mano faces Jim “Totally Packaged” in a contest that could go either way.
GBH: Yur. Like Scotty?
GBH: You go either way?
SW: You retard! I’m married to the hottest chick ever! We consumated and everything!
GBH: She lay another jobber?
SW: Slay, it’s slay you idiot! And *bleep* YOU, Asterisk Guy! I’ll *bleeping* kick your *bleeping* *bleep*. HEY! Quit that and let me tell you what I’m going to do to you! You “bleeper*!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Scotty, what’s gotten into you?
GBH: Yur, Fumbducker Diontray’s winky?
D: BY JOVE, THAT’S DISGUSTING, MATE!
[Scotty storms off the set.]
*plays Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye.*
[Kay Fabe and Nurse Heidi dance in their seats.]
*retrieves stripper pole and places near the girls*
Kay Fabe: In your dreams, pal!
MS: BUT IT WAS THE GREATEST DREAM EVER DREAMT!
*high fives with Mark Shill*
MM: Okay, okay, you’ve had your fun. Number 5 Regurgitated Zombie Luke Warm faces another scary #12 seed, the ominous Original Undietaker. Will the undead corpse of an eaten Luke Warm suffer the upset and “Rest in Fleece”?
NH: Do zombies even wear underwear?
Styles: Good point!
MM: I agree! How about this match-up, Bohemoth, the 2002 champion, goes up against Rob Van Spam, at 13 and looking to spread his word about Enlarging Your Penis and posting links to Hot Asian Sluts.
D: Nothing wrong with that, I say!
MM: I agree again! Could use some enlarging my-never mind.
Kay: Keep it real, Mike!
MM: Umm, another Zombie in this bracket, Zombie Mr. Fantastic with UCLA vs. 11 seed Atomo the Living Robot with Virginia Commonwealth. Zombie Mr. Fantastic earning the 6 spot with that awesome roster pic! We have pre-taped comments from both wrestlers!
MM: Well, that was insightful! #3 Jerri Li faces Brandon “Bitch Smacker” of Kent State Crew fame. Will he smack this bitch with American University against Villanova?
Styles: No. Jerri is just too tough.
MM: You’re probably right.
Styles: And I love that vomiting jack-o-lantern avatar Jerri’s got. That’s worth a three seed right there! I’m so going to steal that look for my pumpkin this Halloween.
MM: Oh yes, me too! But moving along. How about Seth Harker and Dustbuster Boy, Esquire at 7 vs. 10? Close match in that one with Texas and Minnesota. And then, rounding out the FAT MINER BRACKET, former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Sir Zeno gets the #2 seed with a switch with Axl, gets Duke, and will take on The Guy that Slightly Resembles LBJ.
D: That’s a squash, mate!
MM: To be sure. Let’s explain right now what happened with Axl. Axl, the committee is not mad at you for your promo, quit being so paranoid. J is not emo. ;) We just though it made more sense for you to be represented by Utah. And a #2 seed was pretty optimistic for you. On the “prediction” brackets, Oklahoma was in this bracket and then got moved when the real one came out. We had to do some shifting, and again, we thought that Sinister City’s favorite(?) son would want to go in the tournament with the Utes.
Herman Munster posing as a judge in "My Cousin Vinny": Did you say “Utes”?
MM: Yes! I did.
NH: Hey, Herman, do you still have that cool car?
[Nurse Heidi and Kay Fabe run off set.]
MM: So then, moving right along. In the SPORTS ICON BRACKET: #1 Trey Vincent faces the play-in winner between Thomas Largeman and Wizard. How embarrassing that these two were seeded lower than Steel Chair and the background guy in Sarah’s promo and have to face each other to get INTO the first round ?
Styles: Yeah, that’s as embarrassing as it could get, especially when Goo Goo Cachoob got a 13 seed.
MM: Trey will take on the winner of the 8/9 game, uh, match when Kevin the Pyromaniac dukes it out with Unit 5!
Styles: Unit 5 with a rather high seed, and Kevin could get a grudge match in round two with Trey. We know their history!
MM: Should be a good one!
MS: IT’LL BE THE GREATEST SECOND ROUND MATCH EVER!
MM: Right! Next, it’s the 5 seed, Axl with Utah vs. a very dangerous 12 seed, The Domino. The Domino represented by late and controversial entry Arizona. This is my pick for the 12 over 5 upset.
Styles: Have to agree with you there, Mike. Arizona is from the Pac 10, a power conference, and Utah from the weaker Mountain West Conference. Axl will have his hands full in this one.
MM: If Axl survives, he’ll face the winner of Pete Trable and Eliza the “Jobber Slayer”, who obviously made the tournament due to hotness.
Styles: And Axl’s move was also done to set up a possible second round grudge match with Pete. Pete still has a bone to pick with Axl for his making Pete say “word to your gram gram” in Axl’s promos. Should be a barnburner!
MM: Former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS The Violent Pacifist at #6 goes toe to toe with the strange Human Foreign Object who drew the 11 seed. Tough pick there.
Styles: Yeah, don’t know much about Dayton.
MM: Me either. And I just wanted to say thanks for helping me with this, Styles. I appreciate it.
MM: What? You’ve been NO help! Anyway, Scatman gets a 3 seed, based solely on one memorable promo, and gets tournament defending champion Kansas as his rep and will face the 14 seeded Man that looks a bit like Nixon.
Styles: He’s not a crook.
D: But he’ll cheat to move on, I say.
MM: Welcome back, Dennis. Where have you been?
D: I say old chap, had to rub a quick one out after thinking about what Heidi and Kay could be doing in that car.
MM: Too much info, Dennis. The 7/10 match-up is a good one in this bracket… The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt draws Boston College and will square off with Steve Leary at 10 with USC, the Pac 10 tourney winner. This one is a toss-up.
And finally, the 2 seed Death should be successful against Rejuvenated Tentacle Beast, who got Robert Morris University. Pffft.
[Off-screen mumbling voice is barely audible.]
MM: What? Okay, we’re almost out of time. Looks like we’re not going to have time to break down the ”HOW HIGH” BUZZED LIKE A YOU KNOW WHAT BRACKET. Any problems with that?
Styles: No. But I like it to come down to Kid Pirate with UConn and Sarah with Memphis to make it to the regional final over Massive Man Rendition 1st with Purdue and The Great with Missouri respectively.
MM: What about Christian St. Christian?
Styles: Huh? You’d have to be a masochist to pull for Northern Iowa.
D: Indeed, sir!
MM: Well, we’re all out of time. Let the Mayhem begin!
D: IT’LL BE A JOLLY GOOD SHOW!
*fades to black*
[Mike Monroe is still at the sports desk, looking like he’s been up all night. Styles joins him, as does GBH, Dennis, Mark Shill, and Action Asterisk Guy.]
MM: And…. WELCOME BACK SPORTS FANS! We’re going to complete our breakdown of the brackets that we started yesterday, but due to time constraints, had to cut short with one region left to dissect.
Styles: Dissect? We haven’t really been picking winners.
D: By jove, GBH has been!
*cut to GBH, who’s holding up one finger with a booger on the tip*
GBH: WINNER, WINNER, DUR, CHICKEN DINNER!
D: I say old bean, you’re not going to eat that are you?
*GBH wipes the booger on his pants leg*
Styles: Maybe he’s not.
GBH: Oh yeah, save that one for later. Yur.
MS: IT’S THE GREENEST LEFTOVERS EVER!
MM: We’re not off to a very good start here, so let’s change the subject very quickly and get back to talking about some hoops and ‘rasslin.
Styles: Been hanging out with Ted Turner again?
MM: No, why do you ask?
Styles: Never mind.
MM: Okay, I will. In the "HOW HIGH" BRACKET it’s going to be the #1 seed, current Swiss Army Belt champion, Kid Pirate taking on Steel Chair. Should be a cake walk for the champ in this one.
Styles: I agree, Steel Chair shouldn’t put up much of a fight in this one unless Chattanooga stays out of foul trouble and heats up from 3 point range.
MM: Right. Pirate will most likely move on and face the winner of the 8-9 match-up when Coma faces Snapmare Kid.
D: Queen Mother of England! That should be a wild match with those two, I say!
MS: IT’LL BE THE CRAZIEST MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF CRAZIEST MATCHES!
MM: Mark, I admire your hard work on this commentary. Action Asterisk Guy?
MM: Thanks, buddy!
Styles: Hold on! We have an update concerning the tournament. THIS JUST IN!
MM: It’s official, Axl has picked Utah over Oklahoma to represent him in the tournament! Shocking development here!
MS: IT’S ELECTRIC!
Styles: I wonder if Axl knows that today on ESPN an online poll of which 12 seed could knock off a 5 seed resulted in 42% of those that voted predicts that Utah would be the 5 that was going to be upset by #12 Arizona?
MM: 12 beats a 5 every year…
MM: Also, we learned late last night that the sWo wanted to enter the tournament, but were denied due to the fact we didn’t have enough 16 seeds for all their members.
MM: Getting back to the 5 vs. 12, in this region it’s former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Massive Man Rendition 1st going head on with The Fetish Freaks’ Christian St. Christian.
Styles: I like MMR1 in this one, no way Northern Iowa beats Purdue.
D: Have to agree with you there, old chap.
MM: Got a pick, Asterisk Guy?
MM: Well, if you HAD to pick?
*throws hands up*
MM: Come on! Make a pick!
Styles: Man, what’s his problem?
MM: Forget him, he’s been touchy all day. The 4 vs. 13 pairing in this region is a doozy! Original March Mayhem champion and 2002 runner-up douja faces the charismatic enigma, Goo Goo Cachoob.
Styles: And the man that ended douja’s ONLY WORLD TITLE REIGN THAT MATTERED is the 6th seed, Sir Ronald, or was it Donald? McKillalot facing Tia Tarr. R/D has Marquette, Tia represented by Utah State.
MM: Watch Goo Goo Cachoob and Mississippi State, he’s a real dark horse in this tournament as Mississippi State surprisingly won the SEC tournament and could make some noise in this thing.
Styles: We’ve moved on from Goo Goo and were talking about the 6/11 game. Umm, match.
MM: I just like saying Goo Goo Cachoob.
MS: IT’S THE FUNNEST NAME TO SAY EVER!
MM: Yeah! The 3 vs. 14 features The Great with Missouri battling it out with Alex “No Gimmick” Smith who drew Cornell.
Styles: Cornell? Isn’t that a Ivy League school?
D: By jove, I think you’re correct, mate.
MM: You never know… but we know this, the winner of that match will face the winner of McKillalot and Tia Tarr… and what a match this next one is! The 7 seed, Kamikazie Ken with Cal takes on John “Skeeter” Skeet of the Distorted Icons and Maryland seeded 10th.
Styles: Maryland’s been playing well with wins over UNC and Duke recently. I look for the upset here.
MM: Rounding it out will be the 2 seed, Sarah the “Jobber Slayer” with Memphis, who should have gotten a 1 seed in my opinion, facing a Cal State University Northridge led Flatline of Head Trauma Boy fame.
MM: A favorite of yours, huh?
GBH: Yeah, he good.
Styles: HA! Sarah will run Flatline out of the gym, pal! No contest…
D: Pip, pip! I’d agree with Mikey on this one, should be a landslide victory for Sarah.
MM: We’ll see. We’ll see… Fans, or should I say galaxians? Here’s what’s coming up this week! Note your times, watch the action as it happens! It’s March Mayhem 2009, let the MAYHEM BEGIN!
MS: IT’S THE MOST MAYHEMIEST MAYHEM OF ALL MAYHEMS!
MM: Tonight it’s the “wrestle-in” match as Thomas Largeman faces his tag-team partner Wizard and the winner will face top seed Trey Vincent.
Styles: And again, really embarrassing that these two were the two lowest seeds and have to fight into the tournament.
MM: It’s still better than James Varga, he didn’t even make the NIT Tournament!
GBH: Dur. That what happen when you a *BEEP*tard.
Everybody: BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAA!
[After several minutes, Mike catches his breath.]
MM: So true, so true. LET’S GET IT ON!
CAPTION: WE GO NOW TO THE STUDIO FOR THESE INCREDIBLE ACTION PHOTOS FROM LAST NIGHT'S HISTORIC "WRESTLE-IN" MATCH TO KICK OFF THE 2009 MARCH MAYHEM TOURNAMENT!
[Still picture of Thomas Largeman walking to the ring.]
[Still picture of The Wizard walking to the ring.]
[Still picture of The Wizard with an armbar on Thomas Largeman.]
[Still picture of Mark Shill and Action Asterisk Guy at ringside playing checkers.]
[Still picture of The Wizard with his arm raised in victory.]
MS: WHAT A MATCH!
* gives standing ovation *
MS: The Wizard advances to face number one over-all seed Trey Vincent, who we understand Wizard fought earlier this season at a house show and lost by 38 points.
* covers eyes *
MS: Oh yeah, it’ll definitely be tough to watch. THE MAYHEM HAS BEGUN! IT’LL BE THE GREATEST EVENT EVER!
CAPTION: MARK SHILL AND ACTION ASTERISK GUY “VOLUNTEERED” TO WORK THE “PLAY-IN” MATCH BECAUSE KAY FABE AND NURSE HEIDI REFUSED TO DO SO. WE HAVE PRE-RECORDED COMMENTS.
Kay: You’re kidding, right? The play-in game? Do we have to?
[off-screen voice]: You two are the commentators for that region.
NH: So? It’s the PLAY-IN game! What if we find subs?
[off-screen voice]: I guess it’s okay. Do it quick though, the game starts in 10 minutes.
[Kay looks at Nurse Heidi.]
Kay: What’s your plan?
NH: I’m going to show Mark and Asterisk Guy my tits…
CAPTION: MARK AND GUY GRACIOUSLY SUBSTITUTED FOR THE GIRLS.
MS: They were nicer than I expected.
* popped wood *
CAPTION: SEE? THE PLAY-IN GAME CAN BE MEANINGFUL AFTER ALL.
[Mike “the Monotone” Monroe is back at his “sports desk”, there’s a large version of Leary’s awesome bracket behind him. Mike looks like he hasn’t shaved in three days and something that appears to be dried egg yolk covers the front of his cheap blazer.]
MM: HELLO SPORTS FANS AND BOB DRUNKEN IDIOTS! IT’S MARCH MAYHEM 2009! We have first round highlights, or should I say lowlights, via the “bunch of random images set to music” thingee like they made in the good old days! Enjoy! Play the music and read….ummm, watch along!
[Various split second images flash on the screen:]
*Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam doing a moonwalk in the ring as Guy in the Background of a Sarah promo pop-locks, then as Guy in the Background of a Sarah promo goes down to spin-a-roonie, Sam wraps him up in a small package*
SW: Hey! This is our bracket, you stupid asterisk guy! Commentate your own damn region!
[XXXtreme Machine hits Billy Polar with a fish sandwich.]
[Massive Man Rendition 1st dropkicks Christian St. Christian.]
[Jerri Li nails Brandon ”Bitch Smacker” with an enziguri.]
[Lord Lestat von Sexbat reverses the Pigeon Drop.]
[Resuscitated American Panda tries to eat Uber Vampire Warrior’s fucken jugular.]
[douja and Goo Goo Cachoob backstage sharing a “Cheech and Chong” sized blunt.]
[Kurt Angel yelling “TRAIN!” and Hallucination Boy diving through him with a spear.]
[Hamster Girl doing jumping jacks and clapping.]
[Snapmare Kid giving Coma a snapmare.]
[Insano Mano hitting Jim “Totally Packaged” with a 450 legdrop off the top rope.]
[Zombie Mr. Fantastic and Atomo in a test of strength.]
[Death giving Tentacle Beast the ”Touch of Death” with Tentacle Beast grossly over-selling.]
[SMP giving Stinkbutt Nastyass the Medigree. Then, a Nipple Cutter. Then, a Scalpel’s Edge.]
[Scatman wiping doo-doo on The Man the looks a bit like Nixon’s nice white shirt.]
[Joe Bananas rolling out of the way of a “F*ck Knuckle Shuffle.”]
[Seth Harker’s slow motion “Nightbringer” on Dustbuster Boy, Esquire.]
[A group of teen-aged boys wearing “I’m With Roidy” T-shirts]
[Kay stealing a glance at Nurse Heidi’s cleavage.]
[Cyborg Angelina X being questioned by Homeland Security at Sin City Airport.]
[Human Foreign Object hitting The Violent Pacifist with a closed fist and then hiding his hand in his tights.]
[Kid Pirate knocking over Steel Chair and pinning it.]
[The Great with a “Twist of Great” on Alex Smith while Sarah cheers from ringside.]
[Kobe Gyant taking a “FlunkyPlex” from The Flunky.]
[The Domino hitting “The Domino Rally” on Axl after ducking a “Shot in the Dark.”]
[Steve Leary hooking the strap on The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt in a pin attempt.]
[Donald/Ronald McKillalot clotheslining Tia Tarr.]
[Eliza the “Jobber Slayer” celebrating as Pete Trable looks on stunned.]
[Kevin the Pyromaniac trying to set Unit 5’s "lint trap" on fire.]
[The Undietaker giving Regurgitated Zombie Luke Warm a “Wedgie Aided Chokeslam from Hell”.]
[Bohemoth and Rob Van Spam looking at Hot Asian Sluts on a laptop.]
[Sir Zeno hitting the “Eternal Question” on LBJ.]
[John “Skeeter” Skeet holding traction on Ken’s apparently broken left leg.]
[SMP hitting a Nipple Cutter on Joe Bananas while Steve Studnuts checks on Temp Ref #2.]
[Kobe Gyant with a “big second half” to survive The Flunky.]
[Trey Vincent using his cellphone.]
[Sarah hitting a “Triple Kick” on Flatline as The Great cheers from ringside.]
[von Sexbat looking goth.]
[A man wearing a “Rant Zone” shirt holding a milk carton with Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam’s picture on it.]
[Nixon spraying Scatman with Air Fresh™]
[Cyborg Angelina X being detained by guys in uniforms.]
[The Domino walking to the ring with dirty dishes.]
[XXXtreme Machine sporting his “wstrn kntuky” jersey.]
[Snapmare Kid giving Coma a snapmare. Different angle.]
[douja and Goo Goo Cachoob smoking more pot.]
[Kurt Angel smoking pot.]
[The Wizard smoking pot.]
[Uber Vampire Warrior trying to eat Resuscitated American Panda’s fucken jugular.]
[Hamster Girl eating a blueberry muffin.]
CAPTION: You should read all that and finish just as the music ends. If not, read faster. I timed it.
[Mike “the Monotone” Monroe is back on the air. At least he’s shaved and changed into another, cheaper blazer.]
MM: HI STUDIO AUDIENCE!
Studio Audience: HI MIKE!
MM: We’re halfway to finding the Sweet and Sour Sixteen after yesterday’s matches… let’s go to the sites now for more extensive coverage with the taped comments!
[The parking lot of “A Girl’s Breast Friend”. A crappy ring is set up.]
Styles: Well, Scotty, SMP PUNISHED Stinkbutt Nastyass in round one, can he continue this improbable defense of THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and get past former Pan-Galactic champion Lord Lestat von Sexbat, whose greatest claim to fame was taking that title from Bobo Q. Fiendish?
SW: That win was definitely the greatest upset of all time. Then he lost it to douja at Snore Games, The Match Be-Yawn, which led to the first March Mayhem in 2001.
Styles: Lot of BOB history in this one!
SW: Yeah, history.
Styles: What’s wrong, Scotty? You haven’t cursed or talked about hooters yet. You feeling okay?
SW: Yeah, okay.
Styles: It’s Sarah, isn’t it? She’s down in the douja bracket with The Great and you’re stuck here. Bothering you, huh?
SW: Go to hell, Styles. Come on Ronald McDonald Killalot! You HAVE to win today!
[Sin City Stadium, home of the Sin City Icons “football” team.]
Kay: I still can’t believe how much Trey struggled to beat The Wizard.
NH: Maybe he’s pacing himself.
Kay: You notice how all the lower seeds have won in Trey’s bracket? And they said this thing wasn’t booked.
NH: Yeah! The Wizard, Unit 5, The Domino, and Eliza were all lower seeds. Or is it higher seeds? I always get that confused. All Trey has to do is get by Unit 5 and he’ll face either a 12 or 13 seed to get to the Not-So-Great Eight. Hmmmm. Interesting. He’s got the easiest road. If only Axl had roleplayed he could have changed this bracket for sure.
[The girls look at each other.]
Kay + Heidi: BWAAAHAHAHAHA!
[Los Santos’ high school gymnasium.]
MS: Kobe with a scare in round one, but survives to face Insano Mano in round two.
*circles temple with index finger*
MS: You said it, Action Asterisk Guy. Mano is really crazy! That three month Death Match with Ken didn’t slow him down a bit! He’s still doing insane stunts.
*points to bracket*
MS: You’re right! Jerri Li and Sir Zeno have already advanced to the Sweet and Sour Sixteen! They’ll face each other next week! They’ll be joined by the Kobe/Mano winner and the Undietaker/Bohemoth winner. Kobe says he’ll Andre slam Bo if they meet! IT’LL BE THE BIGGEST SLAM OF A FAT GUY EVER!
*pantomimes struggling to slam a fat guy*
[Kid Pirate’s “ship”.]
Dennis: I say old bean, I’m surprised this bracket didn’t have something to do with a douja reference.
GBH: Dur. Pirate top seed.
Dennis: Pip! And he’s had an easy go. No competition thus far, Steel Chair and Snapmare Kid. The Swiss Army Belt Champion rolls into round three to face Massive Man Rendition 1st, who used a loaded toe guard to knock out original champion douja.
Dennis: I say! Watch the language chap!
Dennis: Sarah the “Jobber Slayer” Whatbody already through to face the Great/McKillalot winner.
GBH: Dry humping.
Kay: What do you think of Scatman?
NH: He stinks.
Kay: Well, he is covered with dung. But he advanced to round two, could get to round three with a win over Human Foreign Object.
NH: He’ll still stink.
Kay: For sure.
[Parking lot of “Girl’s Breast Friend.”]
Styles: SMP with a Medigree, the cover ONE, TWO, THREE, HEGOTHIM!
SW: WHOOHOO! The Champ is still alive!
Styles: And what about him costing Joe Bananas in round one against Steve Studnuts?
SW: Well, Joe did hit SMP with a giant banana at iMPLOSION! 18. He had it coming.
Styles: Any chance Steve is going to join the EOD?
SW: What do I look like, Ask Jeeves? I don’t know!
Styles: We know this, after surviving the battle of the neck bite attacks, Resuscitated American Panda got by Uber Vampire Warrior and now faces XXXtreme Machine for the right to take on Plants.
NH: There’s a memo from Trey that we have to do the rest of commentary topless.
Kay: I’ll go for that! You first?
[Parking lot of “Girl’s Breast Friend.”]
Styles: At the buzzer…..HEGOTHIM!
SW: Panda survives!
Styles: We have our rematch! OH MY GOD!
SW: Maybe Panda will die again! WHOOHOO!
Styles: Resuscitated American Panda advances with SMP and Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam who quietly beat Seth Harker to move on.
SW: I bet Axl wishes he took Oklahoma now! HA!
Styles: He didn’t have a clue. But Scotty, changing the subject, I’m really worried about Hamster Girl facing Steve Studnuts in round two. She’s so innocent. This could get ugly!
SW: I hope Studs rips off her hamster suit like he did Trey’s “I’m With Roidy” T-shirt! WHOO HOO!
Styles: Roidy T-Shirts now available! Copy and paste yours today!
NH: Let’s see, Trey vs. Unit 5. The Domino vs. Eliza. HFO vs. Scatman. Steve Leary vs. Death. Your picks?
Kay: Pffft. My bracket was busted after the first early afternoon games.
NH: Well? Who picks three 16 seeds to advance? Duh!
Kay: Trey. Domino. Scatman. Death. How about that?
NH: We’ll see.
Kay: I’m waiting to see something else. Honor that memo much?
Dennis: Short day today, mate. One match.
GBH: Set up dry humping pinfalls.
Dennis: I say, old chap, whot are you talking aboot?
GBH: Me thought you English. Sound Canadian.
Dennis: Queen Mother of England! Bite your tongue, you bloke!
GBH: Did already.
Dennis: Piss off!
CAPTION: WHAT WILL HAPPEN? WHO MOVES ON? IT’S MARCH MAYHEM 2209!
[Cut to Mike Monroe, who is dust.]
CAPTION: SORRY! TYPO! 2009! I MEANT 2009!
CAPTION: MARCH MAYHEM “WAR ROOM”. The abridged March Mayhem Newzletter is being printed.
Fans (aka Drunken Idiots), it was a wild Sunday as Brawlers on a Budget filled out their brackets and completed their “Sweet and Sour Sixteen” in this unorthodox tournament to either crown a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS or see if the reigning champion can defy the incredible odds and “win” six straight matches in three weeks. By BOB standards, winning six matches in three weeks is the equivalent of any other wrestler winning approximately 5,628 straight matches in a calendar year.
The defending champion Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Sarah What(a)body, Massive Man Rendition 1st, Swiss Army Belt champion Kid Pirate, Resuscitated American Panda, Sam, Sam, the Dancing Yam, Sir Zeno, and Jerri Li had already punched their tickets on Saturday with plenty of nail biting action, only to be upstaged the next day as several games came down to the wire, translating into several hotly contested matches where the winners were not decided until the final buzzer.
In the early game, Steve Studnuts came to the squared circle long enough to make it official, then quickly left the ring set up in the parking lot of “A Girl’s Breast Friend” in Naples, Florida to catch a plane to Sin City Icons Stadium, Nevada, in hopes of costing former friend and stable mate Trey Vincent his ”main event” game in the nightcap in what is becoming a bitter rivalry.
This allowed BOB Hardcore Champion Hamster Girl an easy count-out victory which she celebrated by eating a crème cheese Danish which was rumored to be oddly shaped like Studnuts’ penis.
Since Studnuts’ match was the first one of the day and Vincent’s was last, this led credibility that he could catch a flight, fly cross country, and make it in time to interfere in the Vincent/Unit 5 contest. Whether or not he ”made it” in time, of course, depended on Siena. The wait was on.
The number one contender for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and Fat Ass Miner #1 seed Kobe Gyant continued to struggle though the tournament as Pittsburgh was again fighting off a staunch opponent. Insano Mano gave the rising star all he could handle before succumbing to what Kobe called, “The Alley Oop”, which looked a lot like, at least from this reporter’s viewpoint, as a good old fashioned roll up aided by a hand full of tights.
Kobe commented after the match,” I had to do what I had to do. That fool is crazy, son!”
At Icons Stadium, the bizarre, fecal covered grappler known as Scatman kept his dream alive by defeating the Human Foreign Object without much fanfare in a match that was missed by 98% of the viewing public when announcers Kay Fabe and Nurse Heidi vanished for a “powder room” break and were gone for most of the first half and all of the second. This left executives panicked for a substitute play-by-play announcer and they settled for Brent Musberger, arguably the worst sports commentator in history. This dubious distinction was proven when almost everybody watching the contest switched channels from the Kansas/USC game to the “Facts of Life” rerun where Tootie gets drunk.
Even though only 2% of households watched it, Scatman earned the right to face Death in round three, who “Netherworld Powerbombed” a game Steve Leary of the Distorted (not Sin City) Icons to survive and advance. Strangely, after the match, the fans cheered Death, a heel wrestler, then cheered Leary even louder as he left the ring defeated, leaving Fabe, who had returned to ringside a bit disheveled to quip, “These fans for the Sin City Icons are used to cheering for losers, just look at their 2008 football team”.
Also in the region, The Domino continued his improbable run though the tournament by hitting Eliza “the Jobber Slayer” with the “People’s Domin-elbow”. Domino moves on to the regional semi-finals as the tournament’s Cinderella and lowest seed still alive.
Back in the Fat Ass Miner bracket, it was Bohemoth getting the pin on The Original Undietaker with his “Smasher” finisher after a hard fought, evenly matched battle. This win ties The Big Bo all-time with douja, the tournament’s first winner and second year runner up to Bo, who was runner up when “Smoke Doggie Dog” claimed the inaugural championship. Both men entered the 2003 tournament at 11-1, where Bo went 0-1 after an early exit to RVD while douja defeated Sleazy-C before dropping out to Death. This left Bohemoth at 11-2 and douja at 12-2.
Both men got first round victories in the 2009 offering after a five year tournament hiatus, but douja lost his second round match, and with Bohemoth’s win over Undietaker, this ties the first two tournament champions with the all-time wins record at 13-2 for Bohemoth and 13-3 for douja respectively. The Fat Ass Miner will try and break the tie and advance in the bracket named after him by defeating Kobe Gyant in what should be a match for the ages.
However, there’s another wrestler who claims this all-time wins record pales in comparison to what he has done. [Sir Zeno], the Fat Ass Miner bracket’s number 2 seed, boasts he is undefeated in tournament action at 8-0. When he was reminded that there wasn’t a “Sir Zeno” listed in the 2003 tournament, [Sir Zeno] responded, [That’s because I wasn’t [Sir Zeno]then, you retard!] [I’m 2-0 this year, butt-face… the only way I could be 8-0 is if I won in 2003. Do the math, simpleton!]
This claim is disputed by this audio:
Nurse Heidi: What is he doing? NO WAY! This isn't RIGHT!
[I'm on top of BVD for the pin.]
Generic Ref: You are?
[Yes, I'll count for you.]
[Generic Ref: ONE! TWO! THREE!]
Crow: Oh my GOD! <badly done overdub>[Sir Zeno]</badly done overdub> just pinned BVD!
When [Sir Zeno] was approached with this information, he replied, [Bite me.]
[Sir Zeno] will face Jerri Li in a guaranteed gore fest, the two are already talking trash via BOB’s Rant Zone.
The “How High” bracket’s lone match of the day featured The Great and Ronald/Donald McKillalot in a spot filled classic.
This one was in doubt right down until that dumbass guy stepped on the line trying to inbound with only seconds left, allowing The Great to “Twist of Great” his way into the Sweet and Sour Sixteen against what could be his budding Sweet…. Heart? Sarah Whatbody has been showering affection towards The Great in recent weeks despite both of them being married.
This match-up is probably the most anticipated of all the Sweet and Sour Sixteen match-ups. What could happen in this one? The possibilities are endless…
Finally, Trey Vincent vs. Unit 5 became “who is going to win?” to “will Steve Studnuts affect the outcome?”
Trey had his problems early as Unit 5 was “ready to *rumble*rumble*rumble*” its way into the second weekend. Despite several near falls, Trey gained the advantage and got Unit 5 on its back, going for pin attempt after pin attempt only to have Unit 5 “kick out” with a flinging open door. Trey went to his tights and pulled out a screwdriver, totally ignoring referee Vicky Jean’s plea to banish the weapon, and began working on removing the hinge latch to Unit 5’s door.
This went on for several minutes until “War” by Sick Puppies hit the Icons Stadium sound system to a loud mixed reaction, some Icons fans obviously dissatisfied with team CEO Trey Vincent’s management of the squad during last season’s playoffs. Steve Studnuts began running across the field towards the ring as Trey reacted much like this guy did to the phrase “We’re partners”.
Trey then ripped Unit 5’s door open and demanded Vicky Jean count, which she did, giving Trey the win just as Studnuts slid under the bottom rope with first round victim Steel Chair’s partner, Red Chair, in hand and swinging wildly. Steve chased Trey around Unit 5 several times until Vincent jumped through the ropes gesturing threats and saying something about having a HOTT SURPRISE (an extra “t” for extra hotness) for Studnuts at iMPLOSION! 19.
Studnuts, who was in street clothes, became irate and ripped off his “I AM Roidy” T-shirt and tossed it into the crowd inciting a riot. David Tyrell, an avid Studnuts fan and admitted “stalker”, wrestled the shirt from Las Vegas native Thames Barga, whose named was altered to protect his identity.
Barga, who wanted the shirt really badly, proposition Studnuts and offered to “suck his wiener” for a shirt he could call his own. Studnuts, offended, then beat up Thames Barga and used his teeth as a rake, while holding Barga’s feet, to scrape the doo-doo crumbs off the shit stain in Barga’s underwear after Studnuts wedgied them out of Thames’ pants, much to the delight of the Sin City faithful.
Unit 5 suffered an anterior hinge ligament dislocation and is expected to miss several months of action.
And so the Sweet and Sour Sixteen is set:
SMP vs. Resuscitated American Panda in a Bearly Legal rematch! Hamster Girl vs. Sam, Sam, the Dancing Yam! Kobe Gyant vs. Bohemoth! Jerri Li vs. [Sir Zeno]! Trey Vincent vs. The Domino! Scatman vs. Death! Kid Pirate vs. MMR1! The Great vs. Sarah!
IT’S MARCH MAYHEM! FEEL THE MADNESS! OOOOOoooooooh YEeeeeeeAAAAAAAH!
Our region’s round three saw some incredible action capped off with a chaotic night as the number 1 seed Kid Pirate met 5th seeded Massive Man Rendition 1st and The Great, as the 3rd seed, took on Sarah Whatbody who came in seeded 2nd.
In the opener, Kid Pirate had little trouble with MMR1 after a slow start and moved on to the regional final when a well-timed peg-leg shot caught MMR1 between the uprights. Massie Man R-1st was trying to deliver a loaded toe-guard superkick to the Swiss Army Belt Champion, only to be crumpled to the mat in an agonizing heap after the crafty Pirate’s peg hit home on MMR1’s twig and berries. KP then easily wrapped up the former OWCTM for the decisive pinfall.
But that was nothing compared to the later match in the night…
Sarah and The Great were already in the ring, googly eyeing each other and whispering softly. The bell sounded and they just continued on undressing each other with their eyes when all of a sudden, Cyborg Mr. Fantastic and Chocolate Mr. Fantastic charged the ring and attacked The Great, just like they did at iMPLOSION! 17, leaving Temporary Ref #1 no choice but to call for the disqualification of Sarah due to outside interference, even though it became obvious she wasn’t in cahoots with the dastardly duo.
The Great was punched and kicked, Irish whipped into the ropes, but momentarily got the upper hand when he ducked a double clothesline attempt and hit a tandem Hero Attack that took both Fantastics off their feet to a huge pop.
The crowd was fully behind The Great when he grabbed Cyborg Mr. Fantastic and signaled for a “Twist of Great”, but never got the chance because he was swarmed by Bombastic Mr. Fantastic, Little ThickBurger Mr. Fantastic, Gordon Ramsey Look-A-Like Mr. Fantastic, Dateline NBC Mr. Fantastic, Hairy Chest Mr. Fantastic, and Fresh Prince of Bel Air Mr. Fantastic. They quickly beat The Great down to the canvas and continued stomping away, even after Sarah jumped on top of The Great and shielded his body from the assault. Sarah was immediately pulled off The Great by Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich with the crusts cut off Mr. Fantastic, who was then eaten by Hungry, Hungry Hippo Mr. Fantastic, who then tossed Sarah through the ropes and out on the deck where she was beaten severely by Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man Mr. Fantastic, Stronger than Ape Tape Mr. Fantastic, Saturday Night Fever Mr. Fantastic, and Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Mr. Fantastic. Sarah is sure to be injured.
Meanwhile in the ring, Cyborg Mr. Fantastic and Chocolate Mr. Fantastic orchestrated a heinous, unremorseful dessimation of The Great when Shamwow Mr. Fantastic, Wheezy Jefferson Mr. Fantastic, Charlie Chaplin Impersonator Mr. Fantastic, Riddled with Arthritis Mr. Fantastic (who didn’t do too much), and Michael Jackson’s Original Nose Mr. Fantastic all joined the fray and left The Great motionless and bloody in the ring.
Medical assistance was summonded and many in attendance wondered if The Great will be able to make his Satuday match with Kid Pirate in the regional final.
After the beating he suffered, it looks unlikely.
Los Santos High School Gymnasium
Fat Miner Bracket
Correspondent: Imma Bobster
It’ll be Kobe Gyant and Jerri Li in the finals of the Fat Miner Bracket here in Los Santos. Our native son used a last second Pittsburgh steal and layup to enable himself to avoid Bohemoth’s “smasher” finisher and get the pin as the hometown fans rushed the court in a frenzy.
Kobe, after escaping his third straight close match, ran through the gym waving his old high school jersey over his head and was heard yelling, “Looking for hot young white girls, son!”
Bohemoth’s loss keeps him tied with douja for all-time tournament wins, a fact Kobe was proud to gloat about after the match.
“I’m must be butter cause I’m on a roll, son! Kobe going all the way, not even Bohemoth can stop me with his big fat ass! I’m gonna win that title before GFP!”, Kobe said.
In the other match, Jerri Li defeated [Sir Zeno] in a bloodbath that was highlighted by Jerri’s liberal use of a razor wire wrapped tampon, supposedly one she recently used for personal hygiene purposes.
As disgusting as that sounds, it wasn’t nearly as disgusting as [Sir Zeno’s] face by the end of the match.
Jerri dominated early on and was never really challenged, finishing [Sir Zeno] off by making him tap out to a Boston Crab + Double Nut Clutch.
[Sir Zeno] no sold and ran from the ring screaming something that sounded like,
[You’ll never cut off my wiener!]
Jerri stood in the ring and made “snip, snip” gestures with her fingers after the huge win.
Jerri vs. Kobe has already sold out Los Santos High for Saturday night.
(Some time yesterday and l-a-t-e last night, but put in print today… we join Kay Fabe and Nurse Heidi at Sin City Icons’ Stadium already in progress.)
Kay: Wow, Trey is just KILLING The Domino! I haven’t seen a squash this bad since The Mulkey Brothers were jobbing.
NH: Or George South, he really sucked.
Kay: And what about the Brooklyn Brawler?
NH: Oh yeah, him too. Trey’s advancement into the next round is as obvious as Pittsburgh’s coach Jamie Dixon painting his bald spot black.
Kay: Ha! I saw that. He had a bald spot the first weekend and yesterday it was gone. Kinda black and shiny a little bit. Through the Roof on Domino! It’s all anemic from here!
Kay: No, it’s pretty much anemic. One, two, and three… that was a mercy pin.
NH: Domino was jobbed out so bad it makes you wonder if he pissed off management or something.
Kay: Or it could just mean that Arizona was absolutely no match for Louisville.
NH: Kay? Adhere to your name, sweetie.
Kay: Oh yeah! Hee!
(Parking lot of “A Girl’s Breast Friend”, Naples, Florida.)
Styles: OH MY GOD! Did you see that, Scotty?
SW: No, I’m texting Axl.
Styles: That definitely looked like Yam Fu to me.
SW: He made something up?
(Styles looks at Scotty.)
Styles: Why aren’t you watching?
SW: I’m texting Axl.
Styles: Sam is beating poor Hamster Girl to smithereens! Why are you texting Axl?
SW: Umm YEAH! Axl is, he’s not so stupid after all. I’ll make him a winner and then sell him back to Tifa at like a nine billion dollar profit.
Styles: Sure….. OH! That’ll leave a mark! ONETWOTHREE! HEGOTHER! I didn’t think Killing the Yams would work on a girl, but Sam was willing to try and it paid off. Man, Sam was brutal with that move, he’s in it to win it.
SW: Ho hum. (Scotty closes his phone.) So? Who won?
Styles: Sam did, didn’t you…
SW: Dammit, Axl! I told you to pick Oklahoma, you retard! You had three chances to switch!
Styles: Not so stupid, huh?
SW: I can do this, Mikey. You’ll see! I tricked the hottest babe in this promotion into marrying me, I can do THIS!
Styles: Oh, you mean that wife you married that was Tammy Wynette-ing all over The Great last night?
SW: Tammy Wy---WHATING?!
Styles: You know, standing by her man. Which wasn’t you I might add.
SW: Okay! Two can play that game! What’s The Great’s wife look like?
Styles: I have no idea.
SW: What’s her name?
Styles: Don’t know, she’s only referred to as “The Great’s wife” in his promos.
SW: Well, how about his daughter? Lori, right?
Styles: Scotty! She’s fifteen!
(Scotty looks around nervously.)
SW: Is that bad?
(Sin City Icons’ Stadium.)
Kay: Death with a huge comeback here! He was all but out of it…
NH: Million Dollar Entity Kneelift, this could do it! Shades of Mr. Wrestling II… Oh no! Feet on the ropes as well! One… two… THREE!
Kay: Mr. Wrestling II probably looks like Death by now, how old is that guy? 75? Death pulls off the improbable come from behind win!
NH: Pffft. Come from behind? Been there. Done that.
Kay: That reminds me, we’re done for the night. Want to go out for drinks?
Kay: Drinks. I asked Vicky Jean earlier and she said no, especially when I asked her if she was bi-curious. She said she only spoke English. What about you?
NH: I only speak English too.
Kay: No, no, no. I mean, are you bi-curious?
NH: No, I’m all curious.
(Nurse Heidi and Kay leave ringside, hand in hand, to a MEGA POP!)
Styles: The REMATCH from Bearly Legal! IT’LL BE EXTREME!
SW: What’s that ref doing?
Styles: Temp Ref #2 trying to make SMP remove that electrically charged dog collar, seems he’s still frightened about being bitten about the neck and jugular.
SW: WHOO HOO! Steve Studnuts is in the ring! Where’d he come from?
Styles: What the? He kicks American Panda in the stomach! Has him up! Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver coming up! WHAT?! That wasn’t a DV(otS)D, that was a F-5! What power! OH….MY…..GAWD! This can’t be legal, where’s the disqualification?
Temp Ref #2: I’ll allow it!
Styles: Temp Ref #2 sounding awful familiar…
SW: What’s the meaning of this?! Steve is EOD?
Styles: We’re about to find out, Studnuts has the mic!
Studnuts: What you people just witnessed…. was called the Beary Go-Round. As you all know, there’s not an abundant amount of bears in Brawler’s on a Budget to fling around, and since it appears I just killed THIS one, after tonight… this move is gonna be called the Fairy Go-Round when I start twirlin’ faggots through the air in BOB like *bleep* suckin’ lawn darts. This begins tomorrow. Ya dig?
SW: WHOO HOO! Fag tossing equals ratings!
Studnuts: Plants, I ain’t joinin’ your damn EOD like some people think and even suggested I should. Besides, I ain’t got erectile dysfunction. But, you did help me in the openin' round with Joe Bananas up his ass, and I didn’t want you goin’ around sayin’ I owe you one. We’re even, jerkweed. Now pin this *bleeping*bear and move on in this tournament… you have the only team I think can beat Louisville, and I sure as hell don’t want Trey to win this gatdamn thing.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: SMP with the cover!
Styles: ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM!
SW: Like there was any doubt?
Styles: The Doc moves on to face Sam, it’s champion vs. champion for an UnFOURtunate Four berth!
SW: Look! Studnuts is still talking to SMP…
Studnuts: Plants… come here, jerkweed.
SMP: Are you serious? I’m not that dumb.
Studnuts: What? I just want to ask you somethin’.
Styles: Kick. FAIRY GO-ROUND ON PLANTS!
Studnuts: Do ya think I’m EOD now?
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: This place is going nuts!
Styles: Well, with 90 percent of the crowd here pissed off ladies with disfigured boobies, what’d you expect for reaction when Plants got planted?
SW: Studnuts turning babyface?
Styles: No way!
SW: Hey, Trey’s evil lately has certainly made Steve a sympathetic character.
Styles: Double no way, I just can’t see Steve shaking hands and kissing babies.
SW: I can! Especially if the hands are vaginas and the babies have great big juicy hooters! WHOOHOO!
Styles: Right! Hey?! How did a segment with no Steve Studnuts matches become a segment about Steve Studnuts?
SW: He’s over, baby! And that’s what I texted Axl about. Reply to Studnuts’ promos, he’ll fight you sooner or later. Main Event Axl, here we come!
The UnFOURtunate Four in 2009 is already 50% EOD with the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants going tonight in against eWmania Champion Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam.
Can SMP move on and make it 75% Entities of Destruction in Detroit....against a lone Jerri Li? Or will the Yamster fight on and guarantee BOB a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS?
Kid Pirate defeated a game but injured The Great yesterday to move on as champion of the "How High" bracket. The aforementioned Jerri upset Kobe Gyant in the second match to win the Fat Ass Miner Region with a last second lift of the shoulder after an ill-advised german suplex pin combo by Kobe.
Death, as the Sports Icon Bracket winner, joins his stable mate Pirate in the final weekend, ironically having to face his partner, after Steve Studnuts made it to Sin City Icons Stadium on time (this time) to deliver a "Fairy Go-Round" on Trey VIncent while referee Vicky Jean was being distracted by Death's retelling of the Jesus vs. Satan Typing Contest.
Steve then momentarily stunned the crowd when he removed his T-shirt, only to reveal another T-shirt that read on the front:
The south side of the Stadium went bonkers for no apparent reason until Studnuts turned his back to Death and the camera to show what was written on the back of the T-shirt:
SUCKS MY GYANT BANANA
Death made a move to strike Studnuts while Steve had his back to Big Boney, but the two settled for a brief staredown instead.
After several tense seconds, both men backed out of the ring and left without incident.
MORE UPDATES AND A FULL* REPORT MONDAY!
*Could designate not-so-full or Tuesday.
[Mike Monroe is seated once again at a generic sports desk. A completed March Mayhem 2009 bracket is behind him on a makeshift wall. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants has been penciled in as the winner.]
Mike: Welcome fans! This is the March Mayhem 2009 wrap-up show! What a tournament it was, some slight surprises along the way and the one man with no shortage of ego got the ego boost of all ego boosts when Dr. Silaconne M. Plants entered the tournament as the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, by his own choosing I might add, and emerged victorious after the buzzer beaters, the blow outs, the Cinderella stories, the upsets, The Big East chokes, and after the smoke had cleared and the dust had settled… he was still THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
It was truly an unbelievable accomplishment, especially in a format totally non-booked. He joins us now to speak about this, among other things, including his next big challenge… one that may be even more daunting that winning a wrestling tournament based on the outcome of a college basketball tournament:
SMP vs. Kobe. Steel Cage. Gluttons for Puninshment 2. For THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Welcome, Doctor Plants…
[SMP walks in and takes a seat beside Mike. He casually drops the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS on the desk.]
SMP: Thank you, Mike. I’m sure it’s your pleasure to have me here. I am the greatest.
MM: Certainly arguable now.
SMP: There’s no argument. It’s unquestionable. It’s undeniable. It’s undisputable. I am the greatest professional wrestler of all time.
MM: Some might say you got lucky.
SMP: Some might also be retarded. I picked North Carolina. When the Loserville Cardinals were named the top overall seed, I still picked Carolina. They won. I won. Which by the way, you’d be amazed at how much money I won off this thing as well. Gambling is awesome, especially when you’re right. I’m a multi-millionaire now. Do you feel really poor sitting next to me?
MM: You’re wearing the same thing you had on last week.
SMP: I’m pacing myself, Mike. With great wealth comes a greater responsibility to throw it all away on stupid things you don’t need. Do you even realize how much a von Essen Platinum Club Sandwich cost? And I’ve already passed it. Then I wiped with Renova toilet paper before I exchanged that for wiping with hundred dollar bills.
MM: That’s a little too much information, Doc…
SMP: I just bought a nose hair trimmer that sent me back nine grand. It’s 24 carat gold and has diamonds encrusted on it. I’m rich, bitch!
MM: If it wasn’t bad enough before…
SMP: I’m expecting a call any day now from The Great’s wife. She’ll be all over me like a cheap poncho. I can have any woman I want!
MM: I think it went from bad to worse to intolerable.
SMP: Think about it, Mike. I’m the greatest wrestler ever, in the greatest faction ever, and I just won the greatest tournament ever. You can’t deny it. Nobody can dispute it. I……AM…..THE……MAN!
MM: Your head is growing by the second…
[The Doc gives Mike a sarcastic glare.]
SMP: Mike Monroe, don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me. Well, that’s probably a good enough reason for you… you know, with me being the greatest and all time and you being unemployed from BOB again after this segment. Tell you what, I may give you 10,000 dollars to help you get back on your feet.
MM: Really? That would be very gener….
SMP: I was lying, you dullard! I’m not giving you anything! BWAA HAAAHAAAA!
[Mike noticeably slumps.]
SMP: Oh man, that was funny. You’re so stupid, Mike. But enough about you, let’s talk about me… like how great I am. How great is SMP and how in the world did I beat 64 other people at March Mayhem? I must be the best ever. I killed Nastyass, I beat Sexbat, American Panda was no challenge, I defeated Sam, Sam, the Dancing Yam and should also be the eWmania champion. I whooped Jerri Li and survived Death in a tournament stealing match that was a billion times better than that wussified bore fest that The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels had at that little wrestling show in Houston.
MM: [Mike does a double take.] WHAT?
SMP: Death kicked out of thee Nipple Cutters, two Scalpel’s Edges, and six Medigrees. I kicked out of fourteen Netherworld Powerbombs. And I kicked out of the Touch of Death. At one. We definitely stole the show.
MM: You’re insane! You didn’t even wrestle Death!
SMP: Sure I did, millions of people are already calling it the best match in WrestleMania history. We blew Undertaker and Michaels away at WrestleMania XXV, we made that joke look like Snapmare Kid vs. XXXtreme Machine at a show not called WrestleMania.
MM: Say huWHAT?
SMP: If I were any better, they’d make me retire for being unbeatable. And I’m pretty close already.
MM: “They” may put you in prison for being the biggest liar ever! You didn’t even beat JERRI LI, you blackmailed her!
SMP: I blackened her eyes after a Medigree, if that’s what you mean.
MM: No! That’s NOT what I mean! We have footage from the UnFOURtunate Four!
SMP: You what?
MM: You heard me! We have video footage!
[Plants become visibly nervous, his eyes shifty and beady.]
SMP: That’s nonsense. I had fellow EOD member Kid Pirate order any footage from that final four destroyed, and he’s in charge of BOB right now as acting BigBoss.
[Plants then leisurely leans back in his seat, satisfied with his reply.]
MM: The Flunky snuck out a copy and I have it!
SMP: [jumping out of his seat.] YOU SAY WHAT?!
MM: Roll it, Flunky!
[Cut to the BOB Ballroom and the pirate ship wrestling ring setup. All the announcers from the previous rounds are at ringside except GBH, who presumably got lost. To make BOB’s normal venue look like Detroit where the Final Four is being played, various items of “debris” are set throughout to live up to Detroit’s #1 and #3 for 2007 and 2008’s Most Dangerous City Ranking respectively. There’s hookers (too weathered to ply their trade in trendy spots like #6 MDC Flint, MI), pushers, druggies, pimps, gangsters, and other assorted low-lives. BOB just dressed up the regular DRUNKEN IDIOTS who attend BOB shows, but don’t tell anybody. It was cheaper.]
Mikey Styles: We have a development in the ring! SMP and Jerri Li staring each other down briefly before SMP grabbed the mic for political sabotage!
SW: He has a Monica’s Secret™ brand cigar? Jerri would probably like that if it had rusty nails embedded in it.
NH: That’s gross, Scotty!
SW: But true…
Kay Fabe: Look what’s going on in the ring!
SMP: Jerri, I know you wanted Viet Kong to help you in that Vietnamese Death Match against Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas, and WHO got Viet Kong on the horn? You know who did.
Jerri: You’re an asshole, Plants.
SMP: But an asshole you owe a favor. I called him and set it up. He owed me for reattaching his finger after ThatGuy swallowed it in the STWF. So, I got him to help you, to help me by killing Kobe before GFP2, so now you owe ME. Because Kong’s helping you.
Jerri: Huh? That made no sense at all.
SMP: [i]Itdoesn’tmatter![/i] Do the honors for me, metal face. Carolina already won, so it doesn’t matter how you lose, you’re going to lose regardless. Script Boy just decided to do it this way. Bend over and take this Medigree like the man you are.
Jerri: I’ll get you for this. This isn’t over by a mile.
SMP: Yeah, yeah. Shuddap and get Medigreed already! I haven’t got all night.
*drops the mic and hooks Jerri for the Medigree*
Styles: Good call, Action Asterisk Guy! OH MY GOD! THE MEDIGREE! THE MEDIGREE! That looked like a shoot!
SMP: (to Jerri) Sorry about stiffing you on that one.
Jerri: Please! Are you serious? I brush my teeth with large grain sand paper, just pin me and let’s get this foolishness over with.
Styles: ONE! TWO! THREE! He got her! The Smooth Operator moves on to the final to face Death in a rematch of their classic MEGABRAWL encounter…. AND ONCE AGAIN IT’LL BE FOR THE ONLY WORLD TITLE MATTERS, THIS TIME WITH THE “SHOE” ON THE OTHER FOOT! IT’LL BE EXTREME!
NH: Both should be…. umm, well rested for the championship.
[Back to Mike and SMP in the studio.]
SMP: Well what? I won with the Medigree just like I said.
MM: You made her take it!
SMP: So? I make people do a lot of things. I once made a guy not like Edge because I said he sucks. Now he likes Jericho.
MM: What the hell?
SMP: Are we done? I have gluttonous spending to do.
MM: Oh no! You’re not getting off that easy, I have more video footage of that so-called greatest match ever between you and Death, you liar.
SMP: I’m getting ready to Uriah Faber your ass, Mike.
MM: Show that footage, Flunky!
Styles: Death and Plants in the ring, this is going to be EXTREME!
Styles: There’s the bell! Thanks Action Asterisk Guy!
SW: The fuck? Death just fell flat on his back.
NH: Good grief…
Styles: Plants with the cover… ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM! OH MY GOD!
*throws up hands in disgust*
Kay Fabe: What a screw job for these Drunken Idiots who paid to see THIS.
Mark Shill: IT WAS THE GREATEST HOGAN/NASH FLOP FINISH SINCE THE HOGAN/NASH FLOP FINISH!
Nurse Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, none of which that are here…. the winner of March Mayhem 2009 and still ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
[Drunken Idiots still cheer!]
SW: Heels are so over in Sin City, even when they don’t even have a match.
Styles: And look at this, Death is back up and he’s celebrating with SMP. Here comes Kid Pirate, the EOD are in the ring and now all three are congratulating each other for being extremely heely heels.
Styles: Wait just a damn minute! Look at the Tiny Tron®!
SW: Hey, Heidi… me rove you rong time.
[Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas appear on the plank.]
Styles: It’s Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas! Gyant Bananas are here!
NH: They can rove them rong time with those rong reeners!
Dennis: Sorry, Joe old chap…Kobe’s song is better than yours. Me so crikey!
SW: Shut up, Dennis. That was stupid. You sucky rong time.
Styles: It’s still only two against three though…
Styles: WHOA! It’s even now!
[Steve Studnuts steps out on the plank with Kobe and Joe. Steve has brought his own microphone.]
Studnuts: I’ve always had a giant banana….
Kay Fabe: That’s what they say!
Studnuts: But tonight and tonight only…. my giant banana is spelled with a “y”. Ya dyg?
Styles: Steve Studnuts has joined Gyant Bananas for one night only! THEY’RE COMING TO THE RING! HERE WE GO!
SW: No he hasn’t! This is where he turns on them and joins EOD like we thought all along. This is awesome! WHOO HOO!
*Gyant Bananas run down the plank and slide into the ring. Joe starts pummeling Kid Pirate immediately, Plants swings at Kobe, and Studnuts faces Death.*
SW: SEE! I told you Steve is going to turn, he’s not even hitting Death!
*Studnuts looks out into the crowd and then unloads on Death with a powerful right!*
Styles: This place has gone… BANANAS!
NH: I want to see some bananas!
Styles: Kid Pirate cuts off Joe and throws him out of the ring, following him now, Joe with a punch, and there goes Pirate right into the Flimsy Guardrail™!
Kay Fabe: LOOK! It’s Trey Vincent! Where’d he come from?
Kay Fabe: (sarcastically) Thanks, Scotty…
Styles: Trey has a towel in his hand, and it STINKS! It has chloroform on it! He’s in the ring and he’s placed it over Steve’s face after he snuck up behind him!
NH: Wow, Steve passed out like a baby. What’s Trey doing? He’s dragging Steve out of the ring now and placing him in a wheelbarrow? He’s wheelbarrowing him off?
SW: Probably to make Steve pose for embarrassing pictures while he's still groggy to further torture him with.
Styles: Good point, Scotty. Death and SMP now double teaming Kobe in the ring. Kobe is taking a beating, Kid Pirate and Joe Bananas fighting on the floor. WOW! Joe was leveled by an ape at ringside!
NH: That’s not an ape, it’s Viet Kong! 345 pounds and 6 foot 8 inches of biological testing gone awry. He’s choking the life out of Joe with those 13 plus one reattached fingers!
Styles: Now what?…. Hamster Girl!?
*Hamster Girl runs down the plank and gets in the ring.*
SW: BWAAAHAAAHAAAA! What’s SHE going to do?
Styles: PINK MIST TO DEATH!
SW: What?! How’s that even effective on a guy with no eyeballs?
Kay Fabe: Death falls out of the ring, Hamster Girl right after him and slapping him on the back.
Styles: Plants and Gyant still in the ring, SMP with a whip, Kobe ducks a clothesline…. grabs Plantsby the back of the head, lifts him, and rams him into the turnbuckle!
Shill: IT’S A SLAM DUNK! THE MOST RIM SHAKING,BACKBOARD SHATTERING SLAM DUNK EVER!
*SMP does an oversold bump*
Styles: The cover! Kobe hooks the leg! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM! HEGOTHIM! This really sets the tone for GFP2!
[Back to Mike and SMP in the studio.]
MM: So there! What have you got to say now?
[Plants sits in silence.]
MM: Well? Your opponent at GFP2 pinned you on your biggest night. And when you meet again, it’s going to be in a cage.
SMP: I’m still the greatest.
[Plants gets up and pushes Mike Monroe out of this seat.]
SMP: Kobe Gyant, I’m going to kill you at Gluttons for Punishment 2. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
[Plants flips his seat and knocks over the desk before leaving, abrupt cut to static.]