[We open the show with a collection of snippets from the 64 men, women, children and inanimate objects scheduled to be in the big March Mayhem battle royal. For background music? Ummm...how about, ]

Dustbuster Boy: I’m gonna win this battle royal because compared to me, everybody else REALLY sucks.

Igpay Atinolay Eathay: Eyhay anmay. Iway otgay offway ethay ugsdray, omeshay, andway ownay Iway’may onnagay inway ethay ONLYWAY ORLDWAY ITLETAY ATTHAY ATTERSMAY. Ecausebay Iway ielay, Iway eatchay andway Iway ealstay. Ouyay ouldway ootay ifway ouyay ereway akingtay omehay ethay aypay OBBAY ivesgay outway, omeshay.

Albert DeSalvo: You all might as well be 63 hookers in nipple ring tonight. Because you’re all DEAD!

Voice: Ken? Would you please come down from there? The match hasn’t—

[Kamikazie Ken falls from the ceiling.]

*CRASH*

Voice: *Sigh* Started yet...

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer": Well duh, it's kinda a no-brainer. I'm the chosen one, so I'm gonna win this. Plus I get to kick a bunch of jobber ass.

Little Good: Bloody hell, I better win after all the stupidity the bookers have put me through in the last couple of weeks. Wankers.

Trey Vincent: Two words: Sports entertainment lesson of a lifetime for all the idiot jobbers of BOB....I know that was more than two words, jackfuck.

Hardcore JJ: WHAT?

Britney Smears: I’m so like, you know, gonna win and stuff because I’m a virgin and I’m so sexy and I like to touch myself and like, you know, stuff. Oh wait, I lost my virginity already. Seven times actually...Whatever!

Coma: *Falls over*

Mully: The truth is out there...and it would take a government conspiracy of epical proportions for me to win this thing. I don’t even know why I’m bothering.

J.C. Long: Tonight, all you jobbers supreme are gonna have your dreams shattered. Because J.C. Long is gonna eventually be the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. True dat!

Seth Harker: I really shouldn’t be competing tonight. I’m on crutches. I have a doctor’s note and everything.

John Skeet: Tonight is the night for the Suck Ups! Huzzah!

Nurse Heidi: Men have ruined this sport. It’s time for the women to show ‘em how it’s done. Just like sex.

Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with my wife! I swear! I just married her for the money.

Double Gay: Why do ya think, slappy? I'm the choosy one, the chosen one under Mr. Russo's supervision, and Mr. Russo allllways gets his way. So choke on that one, meatpie.

BILL: It’s time to leave everybody how they’ve always left me. A crippled, bruised mess.

Insano Mano: ¡Todos los poopooheados en BOB arquearán abajo al rey de la batalla real, Insano Mano!

BVD: DOOD! Whatever. HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

D-Van Drudley: BOB will be purged of its sins after I win this tournament they call 'Mayhem.' Oh TESTIFY!!!

Reeve Gordon: It's all a matter of power. The sWo has the power. With all six members of the sWo in this for each other... for the pack... it's only a matter of time till one of us, no matter WHICH one of us, comes out the victor of this thing. That being said... may as well be me.

The Commentator: By GAWD, you are looking at the only man tougher than three day old sushi. I’m gonna walk through HELLFIRE AND KEYSTONE, all the way to the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Graphic Flatulence: Prepare to die *PPFTHWACK*!

Rubba Ray Drudley: BOB will follow the 13th Drudley Commandment after I become the Only World Champion That Matters! Thou shalt not fudge, with the Drudleys!!!

Nixon: I am not a jobber! I am not a jobber!

Undietaker: DRESS....IN.....FLEECE! *Eyes roll back in head*

Kevin the Pyromaniac: Well let me tell ya sumthing Meen Jeen. Ive been complaining, taking my riddilin and saying my swears, and all Ive gotta ask is whatcha gonna do march mayhem competat0rz?!1 Whatcha gonna do when I take Mr. Box of Matches, Gary Gasoline and shuv em strait up yu CAANDY ASSES! PYROMANIA~!!1

Hack Hokin: Well lemme tell ya somethin' Mean Gene! You're askin' the Hackster dude why he deserves to win this royal, brother? Well I've aten my vitamins, I've said my prayers, and I've walked that mountain five times over, and it's led me here, in front of my Hackamaniacks, to the big one, brother. So, the question you should be askin' is: WHATCHA GONNA DO!!! Whatcha gonna do, when the Hackster, eliminates, YOOOOOOUUUUUU?!?!?!

Kevin Slash: It's simple, really. I'm big. Next question, please?

DMD: Time to shatter some teeth. Than fix them. I hope you all have dental insurance.

Xamfir: When you have the most beautiful woman in your corner, how can you go wrong? Especially if she’s got the dark mojo going on. Now to make myself a wish...oooh! Cookies!

Uber Vampire Warrior: Hmm hmm hmm hmm. Hmm hmm hmm hmm.

Sir Zeno: BOB is chaos. Who better to wear its ultimate crown than the Chaos Ruler himself? For Ouroboros!

Mr. X: Fuhgetaboutit. The rest of dese guys will sleep with the fishes. Capiche?

The Pussy: Somebody betta call the woman who gave birth to me. Who wants to see the Pussy dance?

Steve Leary: Tonight, all you people look like John Madden to me. And Madden is in some deep poopie.

Kay Fabe: I am a she-witch, a very powerful she-witch, or, witch, as is more accurate. I’m not to be trifled with. I am Kay Fabe. I will call down my fury and vengeance and make your worst fears come true. OK?

Francis: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Francis here, and people have been asking me, hey Francis, why do you think you're going to win this year's March Mayhem? And I look in their eyes, and I tell them, the only sure thing about March Mayhem, is... nothing's for sure. It's Showtime, folks! WHOOOOOOOOOO!

Atomo: ANALYZING-OPPONENTS:
.
..
...
CALCULATE-CHANCES-OF-VICTORY-AT-92.3%.

Meat-Puppet: I will bring dignity back to... oh, wait... "..."

douja: Yo, dogg, I’m bout ta f*ck some bitches up. Bad.

The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, "Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind" Hardcore Title Belt: ...

Steve Studnuts: These jerkweeds aren’t even in the same area code as the iAd. Ya dig?

Dyslexic Avenger: Back stand! A there’s ONLY new CHAMPION WORLD MATTERS THAT through coming!

Snapmare Kid: I’m gonna dish out some snap mares that nobody will ever wake up from.

Small Tyke Drudley: I'm the original giant killer, and when I grab a bunch of these losers necks, run up that ringpost, spin them round and hit them with the Amphetamine Drop they'll all... *falls over in drug induced convulsions*

Triple S: You want a reason, I'll give you a d@mn reason. Because I am the mang-ah. Because I am destined for the title. Because I've jobbed thousands of losers in the past, and I'm going to job loser after loser in this royal. Because I am... THAT... d@mn jawesome. Now get out of my house, Dynasty's coming back on in like, 2 seconds.

Unit 5: *rumble rumble rumble*

Death: I’m rich and I can kill anybody I want. Gee, that kind of sounds like Ted Kennedy, doesn’t it! BWAHAHAHAHA.

Sculder: So what is our profile of the winner? Indeterminate height, weight, sex; unarmed but extremely attractive?

Dr. Azathoth: Little do these fools know that the Only World Title That Matters is really an artifact from ancient Atlantis, capable of wonderous- Hey! Don't cut, I'm not-

Mr. Paradox: Like you'd leave the best heel you have out of this...

[This whole thing started one year ago. This year...well, it’s gonna keep going. And going. Until I rule BOB and you all lick my nuts. Except for Trey.]

Jerry Curl Jones: *Snores*

Stinkbutt Nastyass: I have some weapons of mass destruction hidden...in my pants! *PPPPPTHWACK* It’s time to unleash chemical warfare on BOB!

Farmer Reb Brown: Ain't this FarmCon 2004? Where're all the tractors at? Why's everybody in their underwear? This ain't one a them gang bangs, is it?

Christina Gaguilera: Did I mention my clitoris is pierced?

Candy Cantaloupes: It’s time to get hardcore. And nasty. Two things I’m quite good at.

Mr. Intensity: You want the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS? I got your next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS RIGHT HERE!

"Shaolin Attorney" Kwai Chiang Siegel: Well, the mystical Shaolin book known as the United States Tax Code clearly prophesies that one who is a master of Attorney Fu shall win March Mayhem '04, and I have punishing low post defense. And if the D doesn't get you, the preliminary injunctions will.

XXXtreme Machine: braynz...barnz...brniz

Misty Waters: Hey, BOBsters. Get ready to be blown....away.

[We fade up on the Just Big Enough Arena in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It being Minneapolis and April, there is only about a foot of snow left on the ground outside.

The preceding is a lie. Minneapolis is lovely in the spring. The gang members are in full bloom.

The camera pans the crowd and we see signs such as iAd iS cOOl, Kevin Burned My Other Sign, Dustbuster Boy Sucks...Really! I’m Not Trying To Be Clever...He Sucks and Where Can I Score Some Jerkweed? We head to ringside where Mike Monroe, Scotty Whatbody and Styles are sitting by.]

MM: Hello everyone and welcome to March Mayhem 2004. I am Mike Monroe, alongside Scotty Whatbody.

SW: Shit!

MM: What?

SW: Oh, nothing. It’s pay-per-view, just felt like swearing.

MM: Don’t try to be clever or anything.

SW: I never do, Monotone. I appeal to the groin, not the mind.

MM: I doubt many ladies would agree with that?

SW: Whaa?

MM: And Styles.

Styles: OH MY GOD fans, what an AMAZING night of BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET we’ve got in store for you! Sixty-four people will compete in these four rings for a chance at BOB’s ultimate prize, the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! A title that, by the end of our opening contest, could be held by either Massive Man Rendition First, Violent Pacifist, Jim, Brandon, Jean Bannister or Sir Hungalot. And from what I’ve been told, even BigBOSS hasn’t decided who’s gonna win that one yet!

SW: He hasn’t? That’s never a good sign. I hope he’s not planning on having a race between six mice and whichever one wins will decide our Iron Man Match.

MM: It’s no worse than who could possibly win the battle royal, I’m sure. BigBOSS and Trey Vincent have put this thing up to total chance. We could see Clinton get a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Or Stinkbutt Nastyass. Or Sculder.

SW: Sculder? Yikes. This is a booking team’s nightmare right here.

MM: Yep. Typical BOB.

Styles: Fans, expect to be shocked like you’ve never been shocked before. Now let’s head to the ring for the Six-Man Iron Man Match and Masked Announcer to explain the rules. Take it away!

Masked Announcer: The following contest is a Six-Man Iron Man Match for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

Crowd: Yay!

Masked Announcer: This match will go approximately 60 minutes since the booker can’t accurately script how long 60 minutes translates to pages in Microsoft Word at 12-Point Geneva. I will keep track of all the falls since apparently I’m the only one who didn’t flunk out of remedial math. Falls may be made through pinfall and submission only. And, as usual, we’ll make up stuff to fill in plot-holes as we go along. Ready? Okay!

["Rock ‘N’ Roll (Part 2)" by Gary Glitter signals the first arrival.]

MA: From Thunder Bay, Ontario. Weighing 245 pounds. One half of Pain & Pleasure. Jean Bannister!

MM: Since Jean can't compete for the Stanley Cup, he gets to fight for BOB's holiest grail tonight.

SW: Well, in hockey, goons are out. I'm thinking goons are out in wrestling, too.

["Love Rollercoaster" is next over the speakers. ]

MA: From Paradise, Pennsylvania. Weighing 250 pounds. Sir Hungalot!

SW: Say, did anybody else catch the Big Sir's latest flick? "The Passion Of Christina?"

Styles: Must have missed that one...

SW: I hear he's hard at work on a new film titled "Taking Virginity."

MM: I'm sure you'll be looking forward to adding that DVD to your collection.

SW: No doubt.

["Pop" by N’Sync blares.]

MA: From Kent, Ohio. Weighing 180 pounds, Jim "Totally Packaged"!

MM: Here is a guy who's been competing in tag teams for just about his entire BOB career. He's had a lot of success there, and now could be the time for him to make the switch to singles.

["The Call" by BSB hits. And the teenage girls go wild. And there’s another disturbing Web site search to be proud of...yeesh.]

MA: From Kent, Ohio, weighing in at 190 pounds. Brandon "Bitch Smacker"!

SW: The king of all sock fetishes has arrived.

Styles: What is the deal with Brandon and sock pictures?

MM: Do we really want to know the answer to that?

SW: I sure don't. Unless there are lesbians in socks, I don't want to know.

["Closer" by Nine Inch Nails plays.]

MA: From Seattle, Washington. Weighing in tonight at 330 pounds. Violent Pacifist!

MM: Here's a guy who's done just about everything in BOB. He's been a hardcore champ, Swiss Army Belt holder, commish. But one thing he has never done is hold the top belt in the company.

SW: He's got to just become plain old violent if he wants that belt.

["Don’t Want You Back" by Eamon hits.]

MA: And from Kent, Ohio. Weighing in at 150 pounds. The reigning and defending ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Massive Man Rendition First!

Styles: It's the biggest MFer in sports entertainment today.

SW: Stop calling him an MFer you CSucker.

Styles: You AHole!

MM: Do my eyes deceive me? Has Massive Man gotten rid of his toe guard?

Styles: Yep, your eyes deceive you, he's still wearing it.

MM: This is a a first-of-its-kind match, yet another innovation in BOB. Six men. Sixty minutes. One title. And a hell of a lot of falls to try and keep track of.

Styles: Things could get EXTREME. There are no DQs.

MM: And there's the bell.

SW: All six men circling each other.

Styles: Six-man collar and elbow tie up! OH my god, that's the first time I've ever seen THAT. All six men trying to gain an advantage. Massive Man is on the losing end of this one and is shoved into the corner. Clean break by Hungalot. Clean break by Brandon. Clean break by Jim. Clean break by VP. Clean break by Bannister.

SW: Just get on with it already. Enough feeling out. Fight!

MM: If Nurse Heidi were here, no doubt she'd make note of yet again why she'd want no part of Scotty Whatbody with some sort of foreplay joke.

SW: Fore-what?

Styles: She probably would have said that ladies like their ovens preheated and Scotty wouldn't know how to defrost a nympho.

SW: Huh? Whatever. And the six guys lock up again.

MM: And again, Massive Man on the losing end. Stompy, stompy, stompy, hurty, hurty, hurty. Massive Man is getting stomped on by five men in the corner. Violent Pacifist picks him up and whips Josh to the opposite corner. He Irish whips Jim.

Styles: Clothesline. VP Irish whips Brandon. Another clothesline on the champ! VP Irish whips Sir Hungalot. Big splash! Irish whip to Bannister. GORE! Massive Man collapses to the mat. Now VP charges. Knee to the face! Massive Man is pulled to center ring! One! Two! Jim kicks him in the head!

SW: Here we go. Reow. The claws are about to come out.

MM: Jim and VP staring a hole through each other. And there they go. Jim with a punch. VP with a big punch and Jim goes down. But he's back up and tries another punch, blocked. Counterpunch. Jim goes down again. But look out. Brandon to the rescue of his partner from the top rope. Missile dropkick takes VP down. But Hungalot and Bannister grab Brandon and whip him to the ropes. Double backdrop.

Styles: OH MY GOD! Brandon just landed on Jim in an inadvertant leg drop! He makes a cover. One. Two! But Hungalot pulls Brandon up to his feet and spins him around. German suplex!

Crowd: One!

Styles: Another German suplex!

Crowd: Two!

Styles: A third German suplex with a bridge!

Crowd: Three! One! Two!

SW: Brandon kicks out just in time. Bannister pounding Jim's face over in the corner like an adopted Vietnamese child.

Styles: WHAT?

MM: Bannister rams his head into the turnbuckles. Three times on the top. Three on the middle. Three on the bottom. And his face is slammed into the mat.

Styles: Massive Man grabs hold of Brandon. Sleeper hold into a slam! Cover! One! Two! Thre-NO! Brandon just kicked out.

SW: The Big Sir and VP staring at each other. Oh, they take down Massive Man with a double clothesline as he gets up. Big Sir picks him up. They lock him in for a double suplex.

Styles: HOODANCONRANA ON HUNGALOT by Brandon! VP charges at Brandon. Drop toe hold onto the middle rope. Brandon charges to the other side of the ring. He charges in. He just dialed up a 330 on VP, sending both feet into his face! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! Brandon takes the first lead of the match!

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 0
Jim - 0
Massive Man Rendition First - 0
Sir Hungalot - 0
Violent Pacifist - 0


MM: Look out! As Brandon gets to his feet, Massive Man hits the Leap of Fate, driving him face-first into the mat. He makes a quick cover. One. Two. Three. Massive Man right back in this match.

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 0
Jim - 0
Massive Man Rendition First - 1
Sir Hungalot - 0
Violent Pacifist - 0


Styles: Jim is heading to the top rope. He dives. Bannister catches him and turns it into a powerslam. One. Two. Shoulder up by Jim. He grabs hold of Jim's legs. He turns him over into a Boston crab. VP tackles Massive Man. He's turned over into a Boston crab! And now the Big Sir grabs Brandon. A third Boston crab. The crowd is loving this! Three tandem submission on at the same time by The Three Guys: VP, Bannister and Hungalot. TRIPLE TAP OUT! TRIPLE TAP OUT! OH MY GOD!

SW: They tapped out to THAT lame ass move?

MM: No doubt they're trying to minimize the damage to their backs and they've got to think they can come back later in this thing and make up the fall.

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 1
Jim - 0
Massive Man Rendition First - 1
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 1


SW: These guys are all gonna blow up in a few minutes. They're going way too fast. This is sixty minutes. I know Hungalot is a sixty-minute man, but these other guys are usually good for five at most.

MM: The faction formerly known as the Kent State Krew, Brandon, Josh and Jim, all crawl to the floor. The Three Guys heading out to keep up the, whoa! VP with a surprise rollup on Bannister! One. Two. Three! VP scores on Bannister. How ironic.

SW: Don't ever talk about one guy scoring with another guy again, Mike.

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 1
Jim - 0
Massive Man Rendition First - 1
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 2


Styles: The falls are coming fast and furious here. Bannister and VP punching wildly at each other now! Look at the fists flying. The ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is truly the only thing that matters to these two stablemates at the moment.

SW: That, and causing the other guy a major league concussion.

MM: Out on the floor, Massive Man rams Brandon's head into the steel post. And a second time. Brandon crumples to the floor. But from behind, Jim grabs Massive Man and rams him into the Flimsy Guardrail. But here comes Bannister from behind, and he's got his hockey stick! Cross checking! That would be a two-minute penalty in hockey, but here, it's just a means to get a cheap pop from the crowd.

SW: Here we go. Bannister sits down on Jim's back. He's choking him with the stick, pulling up in a move that's sort of like a camel clutch. Except far more violent. Nice! Crush his windpipe!

Styles: Double knock out in the ring. Hungalot and VP are both down after a brutal slugfest. Massive Man rolls inside and hooks Hungalot's leg! One! Two! Three! Are you kidding me! Is he gonna luck his way to another title defense?

SW: Hey, Massive Man has been playing hurt for over four months now.

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 1
Jim - 0
Massive Man Rendition First - 2
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 2

Styles: Massive Man rolls onto VP! One! Two! Three NO! He kicked out.

MM: Brandon crawling his way into the ring. He's looking the worse for wear. And he walks right into a Toe-Down by Massive Man. He uses that toe guard as a weapon. When is the state athletic commission going to crack down on that?

SW: He has a doctor's note. Chill out.

MM: One. Two. Three. Massive Man takes control of this contest. But there is still a long way to go.

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 1
Jim - 0
Massive Man Rendition First - 3
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 2

Styles: Bannister sneaks in behind Massive Man. Tripping. Roughing. Spearing. Cover! ONE! TWO! THREE! Bannister pins the champion!

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 0
Massive Man Rendition First - 3
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 2


SW: Man, this is getting good. No friends. Everybody is playing dirty. I'm sure it's only a matter of time until someone's bleeding like a pig. Toss in some lesbians walking through sprinklers with a pitcher of beer in one hand and a bowl of chips in the other, and you've got yourself the greatest pay-per-view ever.

Styles: Trey Vincent is in charge. I wouldn't be shocked to see that at some point tonight.

SW: Woohoo!

MM: Jim just found something under the ring. What is that?

Styles: I can't quite tell.

MM: Hungalot reaches out for Jim.

*CRACK*

Styles: OH MY GOD! That was Mr. Baseball Bat! Violent Pacifist's lucky bat! And what a homerun shot to Hungalot's skull. Jim dives over the top rope with a splash! One! Two! Three!

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 1
Massive Man Rendition First - 3
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 2

MM: But Massive Man grabs him. Sideways Effect. And man was that Scotty Whatbody's girlfriend ugly.

SW: Hey!

Styles: HE GOT HIM! And VP grabs Massive Man. NINE INCH NAILER! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! WOW!

Brandon -1
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 1
Massive Man Rendition First - 4
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 3

MM: And listen to the crowd. They realize they're actually getting their money's worth for a change at a BOB show.

SW: But all these guys are hurting and winded. And we've still got more than half of this match to go. We better not resort to a hundred rest spots the rest of the way.

Styles: Everybody is down and hurting. But Brandon is up first. He trips over Hungalot and lands on him. One! Two! Three! That was extremely lucky there and keeps Brandon in the hunt for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 1
Massive Man Rendition First - 4
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 3

SW: But here comes Bannister again. He missed stopping Brandon from getting that pin, but now he drags Brandon up.

MM: He hits the Slap Shot. The facebuster connects full on! But Jim amazingly is back up. He grabs Bannister from behind.

Styles: KREW KUTTER! He hops on top of Brandon and Bannister for a double pin! Double one! Double two! Double three!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 3
Massive Man Rendition First - 4
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 3

SW: Massive Man just crawled on top of Hungalot, who still appears to be unconscious, and now busted wide open.

Styles: He is indeed wearing the crimson mask. And Massive Man gets another cheap pin to pull further ahead of the pack.

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 3
Massive Man Rendition First - 5
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 3

[Sounds of cookie jars breaking fills the arena. Huge POP!]

Styles: It's Hardcore JJ. And look! He's driving out in a small gas-powered police car! The sirens are blaring and Hardcore JJ is circling the ring to the delight of the Pennsylvanians.

MM: He hits the ring. JJ DROP ON BRANDON. JJ DROP ON VP. JJ DROP ON MASSIVE MAN. JJ DROP ON BANNISTER. JJ DROP ON JIM! JJ once again making his presence felt in the title scene. He is the toughest 4-year-old on the planet. And he has just left everyone laying in the ring.

SW: And now it's his post-mayhem drink of choice, Pepsi. Pepsi. The choice of a new generation of hellraisers.

Styles: JJ is downing Pepsi's and celebrating with the cheering crowd.

SW: This is a nice way to kill a few minutes, isn't it?

Styles: Damn straight.

SW: I guess this is a good time to shill the next pay-per-view, eh?

Styles: Sure.

SW: Okay. Coming this summer, the past and present collide and create the future. Yes, fans, BOB presents Send Us Money: Biggest Show Of The Century 2004. Not too much hype there, huh? Four years into the century, and BigBOSS guarantees that this show will be the best pay-per-view of any federation so far this century and will be better than any other wrestling show to follow in the next 96 years. Offer void in all seven continents, obviously. It's BOB's celebration of 100 shows. Syndication, baby! Woohoo! It'll be just like watching a high school reunion. But without quite as many fat people.

MM: OK. It looks like JJ has had enough Pepsi and he's taking off in his little police vehicle. Detective JJ?

Styles: He does need to figure out who ran him down. I guess it makes sense in that respect.

SW: Other than the obvious one, you mean?

Styles: Right.

SW: I hear his new theme song is gonna be "I Shot The Sheriff."

Styles: This has been an amazing Six-Man Iron Man Match thus far. And we've still got some more to go through.

MM: It appears Jim and Brandon are getting up first. Jim goes on the offensive with a high knee into Brandon's back, sending him out to the floor. Everybody else is starting to get up now. Jim heads to the floor. Punch. Punch. Punch. And they're right in front of us now. Oh my. They're on our desk.

Styles: OH MY GOD! He just squished Scotty's pie!

SW: You bastard!

Styles: Jim heading back to the ring. Everyone else is up. What the HELL?

MM: Jim watching as VP gets into position on the middle rope outside the ring. Jim heads up top. Sir Hungalot climbs to the other turnbuckle. Massive Man springboards!

SW: BOMBS AWAY!

*CRASH!!!!*

Styles: OH MY GOD! ALL FIVE MEN JUST CRUSHED BRANDON THROUGH THE TABLE! Do you believe this?!

SW: My poor pie. What did my pie ever do to you? Huh?

MM: Would you forget about your pie? Six people are laying amongst the remains of our E-Z Break Announce Table.

SW: And pieces of pie. Wait! Look up the aisle! WOOHOO!

[A redhead and two brunettes walk down the aisle as a sprinkler kicks on. Each lady is carrying a bottle of beer and a small box. They are dressed, naturally, in tight white T-shirts and teenie white shorts.]

SW: Is it cold in here, Mike?

MM: It sure looks like it.

SW: One place that isn't cold is in my pants! You know what....THIS IS THE GREATEST BOB PAY-PER-VIEW IN THE HISTORY OF BOB PAY-PER-VIEWS! There, I said it. And I don't care. It's a fact! There's no way we can top THIS!

Styles: *Ahem*

SW: Except at our next one, blah blah blah. Hey girls!

Brunette 1: I brought you a beer Scotty.

SW: Sweet. Nice box. What's inside?

Brunette 1: Pie.

SW: WOOHOO!

Brunette 1: Would you like a slice of this pie?

SW: GOD YES!

Brunette 1: Or would you like to eat the whole pie?

SW: YES YES YES! WHOA OH OH!

Brunette 1: Then here you go. Bye bye.

SW: WHOA OH OH! Does anybody have a towel?

Brunette 2: I brought you a beer too, Styles.

Styles: OH MY GOD!

Brunette 2: And I brought you a tuna sandwich.

Styles: OH MY GOD!

Brunette 2: I love tuna! Don't you?

Styles: OH MY GOD!

Redhead: Hey, Mikey.

MM: Hey there.

Redhead: I brought you a beer.

MM: Awesome.

Redhead: And...a cookie.

MM: Mmmm.....I'd love to eat your cookie.

SW: BWAHAHAHA! You go, Mikey! Aww...these guys are starting to wake up. Baby please don't go!

Redhead: We'll be waiting for you boys backstage. *Wink*

SW: Damn I am sexy!

Styles: Whatever. Jean Bannister, Jim and Big Sir still aren't moving, but Massive Man and VP are.

SW: Brandon is officially roadkill here.

Styles: Massive Man pulls himself under the bottom rope. VP is now just getting to the apron. The odds now favor Massive Man and his lead.

MM: Here comes VP. He steps through the ropes. Massive Man hits a springboard Leap of Fate. Cover!

Styles: ONE! TWO! FOOT ON THE ROPE!

SW: Massive Man pulls VP up. He tries to lift him up for a Sideways Effect, but awwww. His toe prevents him from powering him up.

Styles: His TOE prevented him? I thought it was his upper body size.

MM: VP with an elbow to the head. And another. And a third. He whips Massive Man into the ropes. Flying clothesline. VP with a cover! One! Two! Thr-no! He couldn't get him. VP drags Massive Man up. He's got him by the throat. He lifts him up. Face-first chokeslam. He turns Massive Man over and makes the pin. One! Two! Thre-no! Again, Massive Man gets a shoulder up.

SW: Massive Man is a big-time player. You betta recognize!

Styles: Joshitude is pulled up again. Whip to the ropes. Ducks under a big boot. Off the ropes. Flying forearm by Massive Man. VP is rocking but not falling. Massive Man springboards up. ASAI MOONSAULT! VP catches him. NINE INCH NAILER! NINE INCH NAILER CONNECTED! ONE! TWO! THREE! VP PINS MASSIVE MAN!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 3
Massive Man Rendition First - 5
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 4

SW: Why is Bannister still down? It wasn't that bad of a landing was it? I mean, we're going on almost five minutes here now. Big Sir, I get, since he was already knocked out once by the bat. But Jean...c'mon you loser!

MM: Jim is stirring. Crawling, anyway. Brandon is twitching. That can't be good.

Styles: What is VP doing. Don't tell me...he's trying for the Sideways Effect? He wants to hit Massive Man's own move on him. He lifts him up. OH MY GOD, what a reversal by Massive Man into a DDT! Massive Man up to his feet. Massive Man screaming at VP to get up. VP is slowly getting up. Massive Man hits a Shining Wizard! He makes a pin! One! Two! THREE! OH MY GOD!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 3
Massive Man Rendition First - 6
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 4

SW: Massive Man is showing why he's the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. He's out in front because he's that damn great.

MM: Massive Man is waiting on VP to get up again. VP slowly pulling himself up. He turns around. Toe-Down! No! VP caught him. He trips Massive Man. Ankle lock!

Styles: TOE LOCK! LOOK! He just tore off Massive Man's toe guard, boot and sock. And he's wrenching back on Massive Man's toe! HE TAPS! HE TAPS! MASSIVE MAN TAPS OUT!

SW: Oh no! His poor toe could be shattered into a hundred pieces!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 3
Massive Man Rendition First - 6
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 5

MM: Massive Man rolls away. But wait. He just grabbed his boot. And VP doesn't realize it. He grabs for Massive Man's exposed toe.

*THUNK*

Styles: What a hellacious boot shot to the skull. He picks up the toe guard. He just punched VP with the toe guard! VP goes down.

MM: From the top rope, it's Jim. Bulldog! He covers Massive Man! One! Two! Three!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 6
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 5

Styles: Jim crawls on top of VP! ONE! TWO! THRE-NO! VP got a shoulder up.

MM: Jim as quick as he can heads up top. VP sees him. He crashes into the ropes.

Styles: CROTCHED!

SW: Hold on everybody. Jean Bannister has just opened his eyes finally. He might still have the slightest chance of getting back into this thing. I think Sir Hungalot is just taking a nap at this point.

Styles: The snoring does give it away.

MM: VP heads up top. Superplex on Jim. Look out. Massive Man is heading up top and VP doesn't realize it. One! Two! Three!

SW: Massive Man with a 10-Star Frog Splash! He turns VP over and has a double pin! Double one! Double two! Double three! Massive Man has to be running on fumes at this point. Fumes and stupidity, guys.

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 1
Violent Pacifist - 6

MM: Uh-oh. Bannister just grabbed his hockey stick. He's heading for the ring. Look out from behind! It's Sir Hungalot.

SW: How many ladies have heard that same warning, I wonder?

MM: He steals the hockey stick and levels Bannister. Hungalot gets in the ring. He clotheslines Massive Man with the hockey stick. And now he's making Jim ride the hockey stick brutally. OH! He just broke the stick over Jim's back! Cover! One! Two! Three!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 2
Violent Pacifist - 6


Styles: No The Big Sir is looking for the G-Spot on Massive Man!

SW: Hehehe. Good luck finding it.

Styles: He's got it locked in! Massive Man is tapping! Sir Hungalot making a late surge to try and overcome the odds that are stacked against him.

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 2
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist - 6

MM: Look out! From behind it's Jean Bannister! He hits the Slap Shot on his tag team partner and covers him, ending The Big Sir's hopes at a big time comeback prematurely.

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 3
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist - 6

Styles: Oh, MAN! VP just spun Bannister around. NINE INCH NAILER! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 3
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist - 7

SW: Come on, Massive Man! Go get Jim. He's the biggest loser of the bunch! Or get Brandon back in there. I'm sure he'd be good for some easy pins.

MM: It looks like VP is going to take you up on that idea. He’s heading towards us and Brandon. Massive Man with a cover on Jim. One. Two. No. Somehow Jim just kicked out.

Styles: VP scoops up Brandon and drops him on the apron. He heads inside and drags Brandon in. Cover. One. Two. Three!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 3
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist - 8

SW: Oh NO! Massive Man and VP are tied. How much time is left?

MM: I’m being told not much.

SW: Not much? Can we get a little more specific?

MM: Err...about two minutes maybe?

SW: The booker running out of ideas?

MM: Oh yeah.

Styles: VP covers Brandon again! One! Two! Three!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 3
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist - 9

SW: Massive Man just realized what VP is doing over there. Massive Man drags VP up. Leap of Fate. Now Massive Man covers Brandon. One! Two! Three. Yes!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 3
Jim - 4
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist - 9

MM: Jim just grabbed a steel chair on the floor. He slips inside.

*CRACK*

MM: Down goes Massive Man.

*CRACK*

MM: Down goes VP!

*CRACK*

MM: Down goes Sir Hungalot!

*CRACK*

MM: Down goes Jim Bannister!

*CRACK*

SW: Brandon stays down.

Styles: Jim is dragging the bodies all to center ring. We’re UNDER ONE MINUTE LEFT IN THIS MATCH! No, make that under 30 seconds!

MM: If Jim pins all five of his opponents at once, it would tie him with VP for the lead and shoot him past Massive Man Rendition First.

SW: And then no doubt he could pin Brandon again and win.

MM: They’re all lined up! Here we go!

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!

Styles: VP GOT A SHOULDER UP! JIM ONLY PINNED FOUR OF THEM! Jim is EXTREMELY upset!

SW: No time to be upset, we’re at under 10 seconds left!

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 3
Jim - 8
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist - 9

MM: Jim covers his partner Brandon! ONE! TWO! THRE-NO! VP jerks Jim off.

SW: BWAHAHAHAHA~!

Styles: ONE! TWO! THREE!

*DING DING DING*

Brandon -2
Jean Bannister - 3
Jim - 8
Massive Man Rendition First - 8
Sir Hungalot - 3
Violent Pacifist – 10

SW: Man, this is the most excited I’ve seen a BOB crowd since Heidi lost her last top.

Styles: Let’s go to Masked Announcer for the official announcement!

MA: Ladies and gentlemen. The winner of the match....and NEWWWWWW BOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS....VIOLENT PACIFIST!

Styles: OH MY GOD what a moment!

SW: Well, he squeaked out that one just barely. But trust me. Massive Man will once again hold his title. I’m sure Massive Man has NO respect at all for Violent Pacifist.

Styles: Hold on a second. Massive Man is walking towards VP, who is holding that title up to the cheering crowd. VP just spotted him. Massive Man extends a hand.

SW: What? Put that down! You’re a heel, damnit!

MM: VP not sure whether or not to accept the handshake. Slowly he extends his hand. They’re shaking hands.

Styles: What a classy end to a great ONLY WORLD...DAMNIT! WHY DID VP JUST LOW BLOW MASSIVE MAN?

SW: VP low blowed Massive Man? That’s insane! The crowd is cheering it. I’m so torn if I should approve of this. I mean, I like the ruining of a touching moment and all, but he did it to Massive Man.

MM: Hold on now! Jim from behind. He grabs VP’s arm! And raises it in victory. What a moment, fans. You only get moments....now why did Jim just clothesline VP down to the mat?

SW: HAHAHA! Now THIS I highly approve of! Totally Face is breaking up finally. I hated them all anyway. Though they are starting to seem cool with all these cheap after-match tactics.

Styles: Massive Man is back up. Sir Hungalot just grabbed a chair and stopped Massive Man from going after VP. It’s a big mid-ring standoff. Sir Hungalot turns around!

*CRACK*

Styles: HE JUST HIT JIM? And now he hits Massive Man! And now he hits VP!

SW: This is INSANE? Is everybody trying to turn heel at once here?

MM: Bannister is up. He and Sir Hungalot look at each other. They toss their weapons aside. At least TWO people won’t turn on each other.

SW: You think they turn each other on?

MM: Will you stop it, Scotty?

SW: No.

Styles: Pain & Pleasure shows some unity here with a hug in mid-ring among all the other fallen mates. At least THESE two have some loyalty....DAMNIT! Both men just hit a simultaneous low blow on each other!

SW: The fans are just staring at this stupidity confused. Now this is the BOB I know and despise. I’m sure Brandon would try to turn heel here if he wasn’t in need of an extended stay in a hospital.

MM: This match has ended in absolute chaos. Well...while we wait for everybody to get out of the ring and stop turning heel....let’s go to this...

Caption: Trey Vincent’s penthouse.

[Trey is sitting on his green leather couch in front of his huge plasma television beside a gorgeous chick who is part Uma Thurman and part Paris Hilton. Both of them are sipping from beer bottles.]

Television Announcer: Chloroform Your TV! BOB. Only on Comedy Central. Not that anybody else wanted them.

Umis Thurton: I’ll be right back, Trey.

TV: Alright, but you better be wearing less clothes when you come back.

[Trey downs some more of his booze and chuckles.]

TV: Ah, Comedy Central, you are the best channel ever. "South Park." "Chappelle’s Show."

[Umis appears behind Trey. She has a bottle of ether and a rag. She pours the ether on the rag as Trey continues to be mesmerized by the television. Suddenly, she puts the rag over Trey’s mouth. He sruggles for a couple of seconds, but the ether combined with his beer buzz is no match for consciousness.]

Umis: Chloroform Your TV! I just chloroformed mine!

Announcer: BOB! Sunday Morning Chloroform. Only on Comedy Central...every once and a while.

Styles: And we’re back. It’s been a shocking night. But now it’s time to see who will win this year’s March Mayhem tournament. This year in battle royal format.

SW: To avoid booker burnout. Which is too bad, because I rather enjoyed those three month vacations from April to June.

MM: Let’s go over to Masked Announcer and see who will face the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in December!

SW: You think it’ll still be Violent Pacifist by then?

MM: It could very well be, Scotty.

SW: I don’t. I’m betting on Massive Man winning it back.

MA: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our MAIN EVENT! The following is the 64-person-slash-nonliving things battle royal. It features a lot of people and we don’t want to waste any of it on ring introductions so here, in no particular order, are the participants walking to the ring in various styles.

[A loud burst of noise Eddie B. calls his Wrestling Theme Scratchin’ Megamix hits the speakers, shattering them into hundreds of pieces. The wrestlers now have to walk out to silence.]

Eddie B.: Sheeeeit!

MA: *Ahem* And they are...Albert DeSalvo; Atomo The Living Robot; BILL; Britney Smears; BVD; Candy Cantaloupes; Christina Gaguilera; Clinton; Coma; The Commentator; Death; Detached Narrator; DMD; Dr. Azathoth; Double Gay; douja; Dustbuster Boy; D-Van Drudley; Dyslexic Avenger; Farmer Reb Brown; Francis; Graphic Flatulence; Hack Hokin; Hardcore JJ; Igpay Atinolay Eathay; Insano Mano; J.C. Long; Jerry Curl Jones; John Skeet; Kamikazie Ken; Kay Fabe; Kevin Slash; Kevin The Pyromaniac; Little Good; Meat Puppet; Mr. Intensity; Mr. Paradox; Mr. X; Misty Waters; Mully; Nixon; Nurse Heidi; The Pussy; Reeve Gordon; Rubba Ray Drudley; Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"; Sculder; Seth Harker; "Shaolin Attorney" Kwai Chiang Siegel; Sir Zeno; Small Tyke Drudley; Snapmare Kid; Steve Leary; Steve Studnuts; Stinkbutt Nastyass; Trey Vincent; Triple-S; Uber Vampire Warrior; The Undietaker; Unit 5; Xamfir; XXXtreme Machine; and The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt.

MM: As you fans have probably noticed, the rings each have a symbol on the canvas. There is hearts, spades, clubs and diamonds. Each one of those symbols represents one of the regional brackets. But even we don’t know which one it is.

SW: Yep. Trey Vincent pulled out a deck of cards and that’s how people got assigned a bracket and a seed. We’re not very scientific here this year with our seedings.

Styles: So, people are now heading to the appropriate rings.

TV: Hey Skeeter, Leary. Can you guys put Unit 5 into the Diamonds Ring?

John Skeet: Awww...

Steve Leary: That’s a washing machine. What do I look like, a heavyweight? I have enough trouble lifting myself out of bed in the morning.

TV: You like those tag titles don’t you?

SL: *Sigh*

TV: Just do it jerkasses.

JS: Righte-o.

Styles: Wait a second. Only sixty-three wrestlers walked out during the rushed introductions.

MM: You could keep track?

SW: No, dumbass, he read the script. I know you haven’t commentated for a while, but sheesh...It’s page 33. Get with the program, Monroe. This isn’t some lame ass parody reality show.

MM: *Sigh*

Styles: BigBOSS promised a Mystery Entrant. Who could it be?

[...]

Styles: I said, who could it be?

[...]

SW: The speakers broke, remember? I understand as soon as we find that backup sound system, we’ll be all set.

Styles: Back up sound system?

[The Flunky walks out with a walkman and a microphone. He holds the headphones up to the microphone and presses play. "If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands" hits. And the crowd goes monkey!]

Styles: IT’S JUSTIN VOSS! OH MY GOD!

SW: So what?

MM: The former holder of the Swiss Army Belt is making a triumphant return to BOB. Look at him slapping hands up the aisle. And look. He’s doing that thing with his hand, making the fans cheer louder.

SW: Look what I’m doing with my hand, Mike. I call it the middle finger. This one’s for you.

JV: Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh VOSSMAN~!

*Big pop*

JV: Cheer me!

*Bigger pop*

JV: Louder!

*Slightly bigger pop*

JV: Excuse me there, Undietaker. I need to address the hundreds...

Fans: And hundreds.

JV: Of my fans. So I’ll just turn my back on you here as I cut my promo, secure in the fact that no harm whatsoever will come to me. Hello Minneapolis!

*Bigger pop*

JV: It sounds like everyone in Minneapolis, home of the Twins!

*Big pop*

JV: Now I’ve seen a lot of crowds, but nothing compares to the crowds in Minnesota!

*Big pop*

JV: I may have been away for a couple of years, but I never stopped thinking about the day I’d make my mighty return to BOB. And that day is today!

*Big pop*

JV: Did you miss me?

*Big pop*

JV: I oomphf!

MM: Undietaker just kicked Voss in the back of the head.

Styles: And with that, OH MY GOD, it’s ON!

MM: Couldn’t have said it better myself, Styles. Everyone is pairing off in a big, indistinguishable mess. This shouldn’t be too hard to call.

SW: Can the sarcastic, Monroe. You’re infringing on my gimmick. I’ll have Kwai Chiang Siegel sue you.

Styles: It’s getting EXTREME in the Hearts Ring. Dustbuster Boy and Clinton are pounding on each other.

SW: Looks like Britney Smears is getting hardcore early on. Something she’s quite used to. She’s tangling with four-year-old former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Hardcore JJ.

Styles: She’s used to tangling with four-year-olds? She do child porns?

BOB does not condone child porn. Unless the girl is really hot. I mean, uh...BOB does not condone this scrolling caption either. Child pornography is sick, and if you found this site by searching for the words child porn, you are sick and need serious help. Thank you.

MM: Anyhow. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" and J.C. Long have hooked up.

SW: Really? I didn’t hear about that. It must be the whole rhyming thing.

MM: Ugh. Seth Harker is holding off Kamikazie Ken with his crutches. Seth has put himself into the corner has both feet of his crutches in Ken’s chest and he’s desperately trying to run through the crutches and get at Harker.

SW: Little Good is pounding away on Mully I see. DeSalvo is choking Skeeter. Coma and Trey Vincent going at it. And Nurse Heidi is feeling some Pig Latino Heat. Damn those Pig Latin guys with their...Pig Latino Heat. Of course, I’ve already had Heidi.

Styles: I keep telling you, dreams don’t count.

SW: Even if—

Styles: Wet dreams do not count!

SW: Fine. Whatever.

MM: Let’s see what’s going on over in the Spades Ring.

SW: We really should have hired a couple more camera people for this. Putting Clive on that revolving dealie in between all four rings is nice and all, but I think it’s gonna make me sea sick by the end of the night.

Styles: Puke in Monroe’s direction, please.

MM: Hey!

SW: Already the plan, my friend.

MM: Hey! No vomiting allowed. Especially on me. In the Spades Ring, Voss claps his hands and then hits Undietaker in the jaw. Claps his hands. Hits Undietaker. The crowd clapping along now. Undietaker is rocked again.

SW: I hear Undietaker lost his job as a telemarketer.

Styles: Really?

SW: Yeah. He couldn’t sell a thing.

MM: Double Gay and DMD exchanging blows.

SW: Thanks for that fish and that barrel, Mike. Double Gay is famous for exchanging blows.

The Commentator: By GAWD, Mike, Styles and Scotty, The Commentator is stomping a mudhole in Graphic Flatulence and walking it dry. And there’s nothing worse than a guy hurting ya and commentating on it at the same time, I always say.

MM: And we’re being joined by The Commentator who will be providing some in-ring commentary until he is no doubt eliminated.

TC: Can it, Mike. I’m pounding on GF with my educated fists. Both of them held my high school diploma, so I know they’re educated.

MM: BVD and Kevin The Pyromaniac are brawling. D-Van Drudley is putting the hurt on, ugh, Nixon. I hate that guy. I hope him and Clinton both get eliminated. I can’t buy my way off that 1600 Club show.

SW: Oh, I’m sure you could. You’re really just trying to get on SMC since the superior commentator took the lead spot there.

MM: Heidi?

SW: ... No.

MM: Styles?

SW: ... ME! ME! ME! ME! It’s all about ME, Monroe. I’m the lead guy on Chloroform.

MM: Go, you. Anyway. Mano and Hulk Hokin are going at it, as are Reeve Gordon and Rubba Ray Drudley.

Styles: Better put Pete Trable on alert. The Drudleyz are in the same ring. I wonder if they’ll turn on each other.

SW: OK, even *I* know not to do incest jokes.

Styles: That wasn’t an incest joke! I didn’t mean ‘turn on.’ I meant turn on.

SW: Mmm-hmm...

MM: BILL and Kevin Slash also, uh...fighting. We haven’t used that one yet, right?

SW: Brawling. Going at it. Exchanging blows. Nope. Don’t think so until now. We’re running out of ways to

TC: It’s a KNOCKERSLOBBER BY GAWD!

SW: It must be in his contract that he can do that.

MM: Yep. Meanwhile, in the Clubs Ring, Xamfir is battling STD.

SW: BWAHAHAHA! I had no idea Jeannie was infected!

MM: Not an STD. I meant Small Tyke Drudley. The giant killer.

SW: Yep, those STDs will take down any man, big or small.

Styles: You speaking from experience, Scotty?

SW: Let’s just say that after banging your mom, I was the one screaming "OH MY GOD" for several days.

Styles: Oh my GOD! You’re so DEAD!

MM: Settle down guys. This is all just in fun. We all know your mom would never lower herself to banging Scotty Whatbody. Unless she developed a crack habit and needed some cash.

Styles: Thanks, Mike. I think...

MM: Francis and Atomo locked up. And we just had our first elimination. The Pussy just got rid of the You Gotta Be Kidding title belt.

Styles: One down, 62 more to go.

SW: The Pussy is looking mighty good tonight. Though backstage some of the boys were complaining about a smell coming from The Pussy.

MM: Leary is brawling with douja, a man who has had a huge impact in past March Mayhems, winning the first one and running up a year later. Studnuts is beating on Mr. X. No doubt seeking some revenge over last year when Mr. X pulled a shocker defeat on Studnuts.

SW: Oh, please, I’m sure Studnuts forgot all about that. And our fans, too.

MM: Zeno is beating up the Dyslexic Avenger so he doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

SW: That’s nothing new for the Avenger, Mike.

Styles: Kay Fabe is laying the carpet down on Meat Puppet. And right there is the reason why Kay is a lesbian. Look at that filthy creation.

SW: Why are you looking at me when you said that? Was that some sort of insult? And if it was, you take it back right now.

Styles: The Uber Vampire Warrior is doing some big time damage to the Snap Mare Kid who can’t get any offense going here.

SW: Yep, that varied offense of snapmare, snapmare, snapmare.

Styles: Over in the Diamonds Ring, Triple-S is beating up on Misty Waters.

SW: Well, at least he isn’t humping a dead corpse...

MM: Jerry Curl Jones is battling Stinkbutt Nastyass. As long as he stays away from the powerbomb, he should be—

*PPPPPTHWACK*

Audience: OHHHHH!

Styles: YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB STINKBUTT!

MM: You’d think everyone would catch on by now. Dr. Azathoth is slapping around Candy Cantaloupes.

SW: She always does like it rough.

TC: BY GAWD! I just whipped Graphic Flatulence like a scalded dog dripping in barbecue sauce! Did you see that?

SW: Sorry, we’re on the other ring right now.

TC: Awww, hell.

MM: Sculder and Mr. Intensity going at it. Mr. Paradox going after Christina Gaguilera. Rumor going around the back is she’s got an amazing voice.

SW: No, I believe the word going around the back is she’s got an amazing throat.

MM: Isn’t that the same thing?

SW: Not quite in her case.

Styles: Death is working over newcomer Siegel.

[Hey, losers. Wanna see a neat trick?]

MM: Uh, sure.

[See Farmer Reb Brown there? See how he’s in the ring and just kind of standing there?]

MM: Yeah...

[Check this out.]

Styles: OH MY GOD! An alien spacecraft just crashed through the roof of the Just Big Enough Arena! A beam is pulling Farmer Reb Brown up to the UFO. But now it appear the beam can’t support his weight and he falls to the floor! Farmer Reb Brown is eliminated! Oh my GOD!

SW: And now the spacecraft leaves.

[The ceiling fixes itself.]

Sculder: You didn’t see anything.

[He holds up a little gizmo that flashes.]

Sculder: What you saw was just a Frisbee. A fan through it and it hit Farmer Reb Brown in the head and he fell over the top rope. If you were to tell anybody that an alien spacecraft was in here tonight, you’d be laughed at. You don’t want to be laughed at, do you?

Styles: ... XXXtreme Machine is on top of Unit 5. Death whips Siegel into the washing machine. XXXtreme Machine falls over the top rope to the floor!

SW: XXXtreme Machine eliminated by a washing machine. Heh. Just when I thought his career couldn’t get any lower.

MM: What’s happening over in the Hearts Ring?

Clinton: Say, Dustbuster Boy. You know the only person who sucks more than you?

DB: Who?

Clinton: Monica! Bwaahahaha! Ahhh, I kill me.

Styles: OH MY GOD! Dustbuster Boy just pulled out a Dustbuster from his tights! He hits Clinton in the head. Clinton is thrown to the floor!

SW: It’s no DQ. Go Dusty!

Seth Harker: You know what? Screw this...

[The other wrestlers all stop as Bextas’ "Rising Sun" plays. In slow-motion, Seth lowers his crutches and catapults himself over the top rope. Eliminating himself. Once he is out of camera range, the song shuts off, the wrestlers resume the royal and Kamikazie Ken crashes into the turnbuckles.]

KK: Whoa. I charged so hard I made him implode!

TV: Hey. Where did Seth go?

KK: I think I killed him.

TV: You what?

Coma: I interrupt this program to bring you this scuttlebutt!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Trey Vincent, the Vice President In Charge of Everything just got thrown over the top rope to the floor by Coma! TV has been eliminated! What a shocker for Trey Vincent!

MM: In the Spades Ring, BVD is punching Kevin Slash. Seven Day Itch locked in! And he uses the move to toss Slash over the top rope! The sWo has one less member in this event. And I don’t think the sWo is going to win here tonight.

SW: D-Van whips Nixon into the ropes.

Styles: 4-D! 4-D by the Drudleyz! Nixon is down and hurt.

Rubba Ray Drudley: D-VAN!

D-Van Drudley: What?

MM: Oh, and Reeve blindsides D-Van from behind. And now Reeve tosses Rubba Ray over the top rope to the floor.

Styles: OH MY GOD! What a shocker! Rubba Ray has been just been a victim of TOTAL ELIMINATION!

TC: I am walking through hellfire and Keystone. And now Graphic Flatulence is hanging precariously over the top rope. And by gawd, I just poked him in the eye, and let me tell ya, GF didn’t like that one bit. But I don’t care. I’m here to be the biggest dog in the yard. So I kick him in the nuts! And there he goes! I have just eliminated Graphic Flatulence!

SW: Go to the Clubs Ring. Look. STD is about to give Xamfir the Amphetamine Drop! He runs up the ropes.

Styles: OH MY GOD! STD is tossed to the floor! He’s DEAD. He’s gotta be DEAD!

SW: Xamfir got rid of that nagging STD. He must be happy.

MM: Studnuts charges at Mr. X. Backdrop over the top rope! You’ve GOT to be kidding me. The iAd is history this early?

SW: Wow. All three members of the iAd have been taken out. They must have hangovers or something. This is very unlike them.

Styles: Kay’s Bottom!

SW: Yeah, it’s nice, ain’t it?

Styles: She just hit her finisher on Meat Puppet. And now she pulls Meat Puppet up. Over the top rope to the floor. The eliminations are coming fast and furious now.

MM: Uber Vamp has SMK up on the top rope. Now The Uber Vamp smiles.

SMK: AHHH!

SW: The hell? SMK just was scared out of the battle royal. He fell off the turnbuckles to the floor when the Uber Vamp smiled. What a LOSER.

MM: It’s a rare day when Scotty can call somebody else a loser.

Styles: Over in the Diamonds Ring, Triple-S is giving Misty Water her welcome to BOB.

SW: Yep. He’s looking to set up shop on top of his glass ceiling in BOB. And that means, no pushes for hot chicks. Misty is tossed over the top to the floor.

Styles: Sculder hits his finisher. It’s the Cover-Up. And Mr. Intensity is sent to the floor.

SW: How did Mr. Intensity get eliminated?

Styles: I don’t know. Our cameras must have missed it.

MM: Sculder looked to be closest to Mr. Intensity. Weird. Anyhow...

Christina Gaguilera: *Singing* IYEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOHHHHHHOHHHHOHHHHHHHHHHAAAAA!

SW: Good GOD. Is she mic’ed?

MM: HUH?

SW: I SAID IS SHE MIC’ED?

MM: WHAT? NO, I’M MIKE!

Styles: PARDON US FANS, BUT I’M SURE YOU’RE STRUGGLING AS WE ARE TO HEAR AFTER CHRISTINA JUST HIT THOSE GOD-AWFUL ‘NOTES.’ Everyone in all four rings have collapsed to the fetal position. Which really doesn’t help her much in this environment.

SW: Not everyone is down. Mr. Paradox is up. And he’s not a fan of this teen scream queen. But I sure am. Look at those lungs!

Styles: Christina is gone. Mr. Paradox with an elimination.

SW: Boooo!

MM: Over in the Hearts Ring. What is Britney Smears doing?

BS: Hey, JJ, wanna see something cool?

HJJ: No I don’t wanna see something cool you "American Idol" reject sorry summabitch.

BS: Oh, I think you want to see this.

SW: What the? WOOHOO! Look at that! Britney’s breasts are growing!

Styles: OH MY GOD! It’s the Breast Pump!

MM: Oh my. Britney spears Hardcore JJ.

SW: Can I spear Britney?

Styles: No WAY! Britney Smears just tossed Hardcore JJ to the floor! You’ve GOT to be kidding me!

SW: See what happens when you book based on a rigged college basketball tournament?

MM: Rigged? Something you care to share?

SW: Uh...Heidi just got clotheslined over the top rope and is eliminated! Wow. How about that. What a match, guys, huh? Greatest Mayhem ever? Where is Shill, man I miss that guy.

Styles: Igpay Atinolay Eathay with the total elimination on Nurse Heidi. And it looks like Sarah is about to clothesline Long over the...NO! Sarah just got hiptossed over the top rope to the FLOOR! OH MY GOD! NO!

SW: Haha, Styles. Your girl jobbed again!

STJS: I did not job. Technically. You have to be pinned to job. Right, Styles?

Styles: Sounds good to me.

STJS: I’m outie.

Styles: Little Good with a spin kick. And Mully goes flying out of the ring. OH MY GOD THAT WAS...EXTREME!

MM: Meanwhile, Albert DeSalvo just put John Skeet on the top rope. Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Chop!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: Cho—

SW: WILL YOU STOP THAT!

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: I’m just calling the action, Scotty.

Crowd: WHOO!

SW: You are not. You’re just trying to make this card look longer since it’s a pay-per-view.

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: What gives you that idea?

Crowd: WHOO!

Styles: We have no control over DeSalvo chopping Skeeter 20 times in a row.

Crowd: WHOO!

SW: Those chops will accomplish nothing though.

Crowd: WHOO!

MM: And that last chop sends Skeeter toppling to the floor!

SW: What? Eliminated by a chop? What a loser.

MM: In the Spades ring, Insano Mano has just set up Hokin on the top rope. He goes to the opposite side of the ring and climbs to the top rope. What the hell?

Styles: INSANO EN LA MEMBRANO! HIS NEW PAY-PER-VIEW ONLY FINISHER!

SW: I hate to admit it, but that was pretty fucking cool! The name sucks, but the move was pretty good. He leapt from one side of the ring to the other and dropkicked Hokin out of the match.

MM: Take that, sWo.

Styles: Once more with a little less feeling, Monroe.

Crowd: HOLY POOP! HOLY POOP! HOLY POOP!

SW: Wow, quite a polite crowd here tonight.

Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!

MM: Voss connects with ten punches to the top of Undietaker’s skull.

SW: It’s BigBOSS!

MM: BigBOSS? Why is he coming out here now?

BigB: Hey, Justin?

JV: Hey, BigBOSS.

BigB: Look at this?

JV: Wow. That’s a nice quarter, BigBOSS. Is that for me?

BigB: No. It’s just to distract you.

JV: Distract me? GAH!

SW: Undietaker grabs Voss by the throat.

Styles: WEDGIE AIDED CHOKESLAM TO HELL.

MM: And tonight the part of hell is played by the floor.

SW: BigBOSS has just screwed Justin Voss. Niiice.

MM: Voss gets up and he’s now in pursuit of BigBOSS.

Styles: BILL suplexes Kevin Slash over the top rope! Slash is down and hurt. The sWo members are being depleted here by the BOB roster. And there goes DMD! Eliminated by Double Gay Standard. A kick to the nuts followed up by a slap.

MM: Nixon whipped into the ropes by D-Van. He lifts him up as if for a flapjack. But instead he carries him backward. Whoa. Nixon dumped to the floor. And Nixon landed hard. That could have caused some serious damage to his cranium.

SW: Sir Zeno hits the Question Eternal on Dyslexic Avenger. He hits the Avenger out of the park.

Styles: Look out, there’s a body crashing to the floor!

Steve Leary: Hey douja. Look what I’ve got...

douja: you gonna smoke that shit dogg?

SL: Nope. Here you go...whoops.

Styles: Leary just threw what looked like a joint over the top rope. douja charges after it. And he’s out of the battle royal!

SW: Can he smoke that on live television?

Douja: Yo. This is just a rolled up piece of paper.

SL: LOL! GOTCHA! ROTMLMAO!!!

SW: ROTMLMAO? WTF?

Styles: Rolling on the mat laughing my ass off, I believe.

SW: Stupid AOL chatters.

Styles: I bet douja will be looking for revenge on Leary on the next Chloroform. Possibly with those tag titles at stake.

MM: Francis whips Atomo into the corner. He backs up to the opposite corner. He charges. Well...briskly approaches. Slowly approaches. Still on the way toward Atomo. He leaps and hits a splash. Atomo’s circuits are a bit scrambled after that slowly developing splash. And Francis dumps the bot over the top rope.

SW: Very interesting. But stupid. Really, really stupid booking.

Styles: Look out in the Diamonds Ring! Death has Siegel set up. OH MY GOD! POWERBOMB TO THE FLOOR!

SW: There’s a personal injury lawsuit waiting to happen. Think Siegel would sue Death?

MM: And Jerry Curl Jones slams Stinkbutt Nastyass to the floor.

*FRRAAAAAAAAAAAP*

Crowd: OHHH!

[Loud squeaking of chairs being moved backward from the side where Stinkbutt landed and unloaded.]

MM: That’s the danger of being in the front row at a BOB show.

SW: Yeah. Lethal mustard gas. Looks like Dr. Azathoth is about to get rid of Candy Cantaloupes. He’s got her up for a powerbomb. He’s still got her up. Still got her up. BWAHAHAHA. That’s my man right there!

MM: With your woman?

SW: Hey! You’re right!

Styles: She’s every man’s woman, Scotty.

SW: Except yours.

Styles: I’m married to my work. As a Commentator, it is my sacred duty—

SW: Hey! Azathoth! Get your face out of Candy’s crotch!

Dr. A: *Muffled response*

Styles: Wait a second! Candy reverses the hold! Candy hits the Big O with Dr. Azathoth! And the crowd is going wild.

SW: Hopefully Candy will go wild and flash us. Woohoo!

Styles: But Dr. Azathoth with a double-leg takedown. He grabs both of Candy’s legs. Catapult! Candy goes flying over the top rope! She’s out of here.

MM: What action. Speaking of action, over in the Hearts Ring, Britney Smears is blowing Dustbuster Boy. Away! I meant blowing him away.

SW: Bwahahaha. You’re such a loser, Monroe. Besides, from what I hear, she really was before the show. Dustbuster Boy is a huge star, don’t forget.

Styles: Dustbuster Boy SUCKS.

SW: Yeah, and Britney swallows.

Styles: OH MY GOD! Albert DeSalvo just grabbed Little Good! BELLY TO BELLY OVER THE TOP ROPE! OH my GOD!

MM: And it looks like Coma and Igpay Atinolay Eathay are struggling for position, with both men dangling on the top rope. Britney spears Dustbuster Boy. That’s her finisher.

Styles: Kamikazie Ken charges at J.C. Long. Human cannonball! J.C. Long is DOWN. Now what’s Ken doing? He’s going under the ring for...a ladder?

MM: And Ken isn’t eliminated since he didn’t go over the top rope to the floor.

Styles: The fans are on their feet as Ken slides the ladder into the ring.

*CRACK*

*CRACK*

*CRACK*

*CRACK*

*CRACK*

Styles: Oh my GOD! Ken just leveled everybody in the Hearts Ring with brutal ladder shots. Dustbuster Boy. J.C. Long. Britney Smears. Coma. Igpay. Nobody escaped Ken’s precise ladder batting.

SW: What is that idiot doing now? He’s stacking up the bodies?

Styles: And to no one’s surprise, Britney is at the bottom of the pile.

MM: Ken positions the ladder and heads up to the top. What is he going to do?

Styles: He’s up top! INVERTED REVERSE SHOOTING STAR PRESS!

Crowd: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

Styles: The fans took the words right out of my mouth!

TC: By GAWD, I am beating the crap out of Double Gay. I’m using my educated hands to choke the crap out of Double Gay.

MM: Sounds like our cue to check out the action in the Spades Ring.

SW: Hey! Generic Ref just handed BVD his Japanese flag. Is Generic Ref on the take for the JEWS tonight?

*CRACK*

Crowd: OHHHHHH!

MM: He just broke the flag pole over Undietaker’s head!

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIP*

MM: And Undietaker responds by ripping the undies off of BVD’s head.

BVD: DOOOD!

*SMACK*

Styles: OH MY GOD! What a stiff kick!

SW: Looks like Undietaker’s having a tough time no-selling that concussion BVD just gave him.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SW: BVD grabs a cup of water from Generic Ref now. The Japanese Hacksaw Mist. Yeah, it’s kind of blinding like that. And now BVD hits a springboard roaring elbow. Undietaker topples to the floor.

Styles: Hold on. Insano Mano, in an effort to compete with the hardcore attention of the crowd, has just retrieved his OWN ladder from under that ring. And now he grabs a chair.

*CRACK*

Styles: D-Van Drudley takes a HUGE chair shot!

MM: And now Mano heads up to the top of the ladder.

Styles: He’s got the chair! OH MY GOD! An 810 SPLASH WITH THE CHAIR!

SW: And 810? What in the hell is that?

Styles: It’s like a 450 splash, but with an extra revolution.

Crowd: INSANE HANDS! INSANE HANDS! INSANE HANDS!

TC: Oh, BY GAWD, that SON OF A BITCH Double Gay just kicked me in the nuts! And now he slaps me in the face! DOUBLE GAY STANDARD! DOUBLE GAY STANDARD! HE HIT THE DOUBLE GAY STANDARD ON ME! And this may be it for me!

MM: Let’s see what’s going on the Clubs Ring.

Styles: Kay Fabe is laying the carpet down on Uber Vampire Warrior! Punch. Punch. Punch. BIG PUNCH! Uber Vamp is on the ropes there. Kay licks the palm of her hand. BITCH SLAP!

SW: The Pussy is getting pounded by Mr. X at the moment. BWAHAHAHA.

MM: Fellow members of the JEWS? Thiis really is every man, woman and inanimate object for him/her/itself.

Styles: Sir Zeno is choking Steve Leary with a Playstation 2 controller. Where the heck did THAT come from?

SW: I’m guessing Leary smuggled it in. Those are lethal weapons in Leary’s hands most times. Especially when he’s losing to Madden Football.

MM: Xamfir and Francis are brawling on the other side of the ring. Francis tries for The Finale. But Xamfir drops to the mat and bites Francis in the leg.

Francis: OWWWWWWW!

MM: Over in the Diamonds Ring, Triple-S trying for a Pedicure on Jerry Curl Jones. But no! Jerry Curl reverses into a backdrop! Triple-S lands on the apron. But Jerry Curl with an elbow to Triple-S’s nose and he falls to the floor! Triple-S has been eliminated!

Styles: BOB is taking care of the disease known as the sWo tonight.

SW: BOB? Or the March Madness outcomes?

MM: Don’t let Kay Fabe hear you say that Scotty...

Styles: Oh my God! Look what we’ve got here. Death is behind Mr. Paradox, the man who stole the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind Hardcore Title Belt from him. He grabs Paradox. Side slam!

[I’ve got to work with the washing machine? Are you high? *Sigh* Guess I’ll have to come into the ring for that one.]

===FLASH===

MM: What the?

Styles: The ring just moved ten feet to the left by itself?

SW: And look! Sculder, Death and Detached Narrator are all on the floor.

DN: WHAT THE FUCK MOTHERFUCKER?

SW: That made no sense whatsoever.

Sculder: The truth is out there.

SW: Oh, shut up!

DN: Alright, which one of you did this? Paradox? Azathoth? Unit 5?

Unit 5: *rumble rumble rumble*

Dr. A: *Whistles*

Mr. Paradox: *Looks around*

DN: This is the LAMEST EXCUSE FOR WRITER’S BLOCK I’VE EVER SEEN! Screw it. I’m gonna go turn myself into Jessica Biel again and find myself a mirror.

MM: In the Hearts Ring, Ken loads up J.C. Long on the ladder, which is leaning against the ropes. He picks up the ladder. And J.C. Long takes a ladder slide to the floor.

Styles: Coma with a slam on Igpay Atinolay Eathay.

Coma: Oinkpay!

SW: Coma heads to the top rope now. Wait. What is this? Ken lets Coma get onto his shoulders. Now Ken is walking Coma out. They’re working together? Weird. Who would think these two idiots have any common goals, other than frequent hospitalization from head injuries...

MM: Coma leaps. Coma hits a splash on Igpay!

Coma: Arflenay!

Styles: Britney has Dustbuster Boy’s Dustbuster! She hits him in the face! And Dustbuster Boy is eliminated!

MM: Ken and Coma loads Igpay onto the ladder. And Igpay is—

SW: Eliminatedway

TC: Double Gay whips me into the ropes! OOOOOOPH! What a *cough* spinebuster. *Wheeze*

MM: And now Mano has loaded D-Van onto the ladder much like Kamikazie Ken has. Will the Mano/Ken feud ever truly be over? Both men always want to top the other. Mano heads to the top rope. He leaps.

*CRASH*

Styles: OH MY GOD! D-VAN DRUDLEY WAS JUST CATAPULTED INTO THE FOURTH ROW!

MM: But Mano looks hurt. He’s holding his ribs on the apron of the ring.

SW: And there goes Reeve Gordon over the top rope at the hands of BILL. And BILL sees Mano. Baseball slide. Mano is gone. Which I guess is legal since he jumped from the top rope?

Styles: BILL is on fire here.

SW: And, aww, there goes bad young TC. Loser, yet again. Stick to commentating on the C-shows, TC.

MM: And that leave Double Gay alone with BVD and BILL.

SW: I’m sure Double Gay likes those odds.

MM: Two on one?

SW: Yep.

MM: Say no more, Scotty. I just got it.

Styles: We’re getting down in the numbers here. In the Hearts Ring, it’s down to Kamikazie Ken, Albert DeSalvo, Britney Smears and Coma, with all four competitors seeking a breather since the camera isn’t on them. In the Spades ring, it’s BILL, BVD and Double Gay. But the Clubs Ring still has eight competitors left.

MM: Zeno just hung Leary over the top rope with the Playstation controller.

SW: He’s choking the life out of him. Which is entertaining and all, but if he dropped the thing, Leary would be eliminated.

Styles: And right on cue, Zeno lets Leary fall. And we’re another step closer to the UnFOURtunate Four. When the winner from each ring will meet in one ring to decide the final, eventual challenger for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Francis: (To Xamfir) Will you stop biting me?

SW: Good to see all that technique you’ve taught Sarah rubbing off on your charges, Styles.

Styles: Hey, I’m not perfect.

SW: It is hard to make chicken salad out of chicken shit, for sure.

Styles: But it’s working. Francis climbs the turnbuckles, trying to get away from the annoying bitey Xamfir. And Francis trips over the middle rope. He’s eliminated!

SW: Looks like The Pussy is still going strong with Mr. X. X was giving it to The Pussy. It was looking mighty rough there for a while, but now the Pussy is taking charge.

Styles: KAY’S BOTTOM! Uber Vampire Warrior is out.

SW: Oh, baby! Is it time for the Sexiest Move in Parody Sports Entertainment Today? I want to see the Lesbian’s Tongue!

MM: Kay bounces off one side of the ring. She bounces off the other side of the ring. And here it comes!

SW: LESBIAN’S TONGUE! WOOHOO! OH NO! The Uber Vampire Warrior bit her tongue! What a loser!

MM: But a great counter. Kay’s holding her mouth. He kicks her in the midsection and locks in her head. He’s going for the Impaler!

Styles: NO! Kay lifts him up! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! She just ran him over the top rope and tossed him to the floor! But Kay is in some major pain.

SW: She definitely needs a tongue massage. I’ll go help her out.

Styles: Don’t make me knock your lights out, Scotty.

MM: Look out. The Pussy just got locked into the ropes.

SW: Oh man. The Pussy is wide open for an attack here! Mr. X charges. Pussy gets his arms free. And Pussy uses Mr. X’s momentum against him and tosses X to the floor.

Mr. X: Muddafucca!

MM: In the Hearts Ring, Kamikazie Ken charges toward Britney Smears who charges in with her Spear! But Ken counters with a knee lift.

SW: DeSalvo has Coma locked into the Bitch Exterminator.

Styles: The Crossface Chickenwing. How long can Coma last...oh yeah, pretty long, since a tap out won’t save him.

MM: Oh no. He wouldn’t! He did! DeSalvo just turned his finishing move into a suplex over the top rope! And Coma lands on the floor on his head!

SW: Well, at least he won’t be too injured by that. He lost feeling in his head years ago.

Styles: He could be paralyzed, Scotty. How can you make jokes at a time like this?

SW: It’s my job, Styles. And it’s funny!

MM: Kamikazie Ken lays Britney Smears on the top turnbuckles. He runs to the opposite side and now tumbles back.

Styles: ROLLING THUNDER ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE! OH MY GOD!

SW: How does he invent such stupid moves? Is there a school for suicidal idiots?

MM: A quite dazed Ken reaches up from the mat and shoves Britney off! She’s done. Leaving only Kamikazie Ken and Albert DeSalvo alone in the Hearts Ring.

Styles: And what a history these two have together. You remember Explosion Of Injuries? The restaurant rooftop match was EXTREME!

MM: Double Gay just eliminated BVD! Do we have that on replay? Oh right, the one camera. Hmm. Well. It’s down to BILL and Double Gay in the Spades Ring.

Styles: In the Clubs Ring, The Super Duper Keen Team Thing champs, Kay Fabe and Xamfir are still in this together. And wouldn’t it be something if Kay and Xamfir had to duel it out?

SW: I’m sure Xamfir would beg for the Lesbian’s Tongue. But I’m surprised Kay hasn’t gone after The Pussy since I know how much she loves the Pussy. Pussy is usually like a magnet to her.

Styles: Alright, stop right there, Scotty.

MM: Xamfir doesn’t have a lot of experience with The Pussy.

SW: Sir Zeno with a spin kick. But Kay Fabe ducks down and kicks out Sir Zeno’s pivot leg. She’s up first and pulls Zeno up. Bitch Slap! Punch. Punch. Big punch.

MM: Xamfir scores. He grabs hold of the Pussy! And he takes the Pussy for a ride. Pussy falls to the floor.

SW: It’s raining Pussy.

MM: And now Xamfir is looking to help out his partner, Kay Fabe. He gets behind a dazed Sir Zeno on hands and knees. Kay Fabe shoves Zeno, who trips over Xamfir!

Styles: TOTAL ELIMINATION BY THE SHAGGY GANG!

SW: Yikes, settle down, Styles. Hey, look, your dream has just come true. Xamfir and Kay Fabe now have to fight for the chance to be in the UnFOURtunate Four.

MM: In the Diamonds Ring, Mr. Paradox is desperately trying to lift up Unit 5.

Styles: It’s the resistible force against the immovable object.

MM: Now Paradox gets on top of Unit 5. He’s stomping the washing machine that has no defense for this attack.

Styles: Look out! Jerry Curl Jones reverses a whip towards Unit 5 and Paradox.

*THUD*

Styles: OH MY GOD! Dr. Azathoth and Mr. Paradox topple to the floor! What teamwork by Jerry Curl Jones and Unit 5 there.

SW: OK. This is NOT happening. A washing machine is NOT in the final eight, right?

MM: Sadly, we are all in this nightmare together.

SW: You don’t think Unit 5 drew UConn, do you? The universe couldn’t despise us that much, could it?

[Everyone is quiet for several seconds.]

Styles: We’re down to the Not-So-Great-8. Albert DeSalvo. Kamikazie Ken. BILL. Double Gay. Xamfir. Kay Fabe. Unit 5. Jerry Curl Jones. One of these people or things will get the shot in December of facing the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, whoever it is, on our last pay-per-view of the year.

MM: Jerry Curl with a punch to Unit 5. And that one hurt him more than the machine.

SW: He’s raging against the machine. It’s poor, misguided rage, however. Dude, there is NO way any of these people can lift that machine over the top rope.

Styles: DeSalvo and Ken are brutally going after each other in the Hearts Ring. DeSalvo belly to belly suplexes Ken into the corner! DeSalvo yanks Ken up to his feet and grabs him by the throat. Choke Bomb!

MM: Ken may have used up too much energy earlier using that ladder offense.

Styles: BILL is slapping around Double Gay in the Spades Ring. BILL is on a big-time hardcore mission tonight to get the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. But if Double Gay could move on, he would give his sWo a HUGE opportunity to cement their takeover. Or whatever they want.

MM: What’s going on with Kay and Xamfir? They aren’t fighting.

Kay: You’re my best friend, Xamfir.

Xamfir: And you’re mine, Kay. I don’t want to fight you.

Kay: I know. Hey! Idea!

Xamfir: Twister?

Kay: No. No Twister, God.

Xamfir: Damn...

Kay: But, equally fun, how about a game of Hangman?

Xamfir: Nice. OK, I’ll go first. Jeannie? I wish I had a chalkboard and some chalk and an eraser.

*POOF*

Kay: I really hate Jeannie, but she’s really useful.

Xamfir: OK. Hmm...now what do we do? We need somebody to host this game.

*POOF*

Pat Sajak: What the? Where am I?

Kay: Awww. Can we have Vanna too?

*POOF*

Kay: Wow, look at those legs.

Xamfir: OK, monkey. Let’s play Hangman.

PS: Hangman? Are you crazy? That’s a silly game.

Xamfir: Right. Wheel Of Fortune isn’t at all a ripoff of that game, buddy. Just let’s get this thing going.

PS: *Sigh* Fine. According to my cue cards, the first person to be hung loses. Or the first person to figure out the answer will not be eliminated. Vanna will draw the bodies and fill in letters.

VW: This is so degrading.

Xamfir: Yeah, I know it’s a little tougher than touching the lit letter blocks, but you’ll survive. And if you’re lucky, Kay might take you out tonight for a night you’ll never forget.

KF: Clothing optional. Oh, hey. Umm. I know that usually the rules are you draw the head, body, arms and legs. But I was thinking. Being a girl and all.

Xamfir: We can’t add breasts to the picture.

KF: But they’re so big.

Xamfir: Yes, yes, I know. But then we’d have to draw my big, uh, Little Xamfir. And I know how much the sight of male genitalia upsets you.

KF: Fine. Let’s do this then.

PS: Xamfir, since you had the higher seed, you go first. We’re looking for a place.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


Xamfir: Umm...............R?

PS: Sorry, no R’s. Vanna, please draw a head for Xamfir. Kay?

KF: S?

PS: Sorry, no S’s. Some head for Kay.

Kay: Hey, buster, get your head of the gutter.

Xamfir: Ummmmmmmmm...........T?

PS: Two T’s.

_ _ _ _ T _ T _ _ _ _ _

Xamfir: Huge Titties?

PS: Nope. You do know how to spell right?

Xamfir: Shure doo!

PS: Just pick a letter.

KF: Hey, he tried to solve. Isn’t it my turn?

PS: Do you really think I care?

Styles: JERRY CURL JONES IS ELIMINATED!

KF: Do you mind, Styles? We’re kind of having a game show here?

Styles: Well he was!

Xamfir: By the washing machine? Oh, you’ve GOT to be joking!

Styles: If I was joking, I’d say—

PS: Hello? Hangman going on here. Let’s finish this.

Xamfir: L!

PS: There is one L.

L _ _ _ T I T I _ _ _ _

Xamfir: Uh........I?

PS: Two I’s!

KF: Sajak, you better not be screwing me.

PS: That’d be a first for you, wouldn’t it?

KF: Being screwed by a man. Yes, yes it would. Aside from that one time I was a little drunk, but that guy was REALLY effeminate.

Xamfir: Ah...wah....zuh? Lick Tit...Luck Tit...Lust Tit...

KF: Will you stop saying Tit?

Xamfir: Oh, sorry. Lord Titibaum? Hmm...I’m stumped. Let’s try for a...P?

PS: Did you say P?

Xamfir: Yes!

PS: No P’s!

Xamfir: Aww...

PS: You are four limbs away from elimination now, Xamfir.

Xamfir: Yeah, well, your face is round and your hair is spiky and you’re old!

KF: I would like an M, Pat.

PS: Well, you’re out of luck, Kay. No M for you.

SW: This is officially the biggest waste of time on a BOB pay-per-view ever. And I just know it’s not going anywhere of note.

Xamfir: Did you look ahead in the script or something? How about.......C!

PS: Two C’s.

L _ _ _ T I T I C _ C _

Xamfir: Oh! I know this!

Styles: BILL TOSSES OUT DOUBLE GAY!

Xamfir: ... CRAP! Styles! You derailed my train of thought.

KF: Amtrak of the brain. Poor boy. My turn.

X: No!

KF: Yes!

X: No!

KF: Oh, yes. Watch this.

[Kay points at the board. Xamfir’s picture grows an arm.]

X: Hey! You’re cheating via witchcraft.

KF: It’s not cheating. This is a battle royal. No rules.

X: Oh, really? Well then...

[Xamfir runs to the board and steals the marker from Vanna White. He quickly begins drawing the rest of Kay’s body. Kay, using witchcraft, begins drawing Xamfir’s body.]

X: I win!

KF: D’oh! Fine.

PS: The answer was Lake Titicaca. Now can we please go back to bed?

KF: Fine. But Vanna, you’re my consolation prize, and you’re coming backstage. I’ve got a bed with our name on it.

VW: *Gulp*

Styles: And there goes Kamikazie Ken! Oh my GOD! Kay Fabe eliminates herself and we’ve got our UnFOURtunate Four. Albert DeSalvo. BILL. Xamfir. Unit 5.

SW: OK. I will give those three guys money if they all lift that washing machine out the second they get in the ring together. I’ve got...let’s see...five....ten....fifteen....twenty-five. Twenty-five cents for the man who gets rid of Unit 5!

Styles: Whoa! Scotty has just put a bounty out on Unit 5!

MM: Everyone is heading over to the Diamonds Ring, since that’s where Unit 5 is and nobody wants to be in charge of moving it. This should be interesting. BILL and DeSalvo, members of the JEWS. Xamfir. And Unit 5.

SW: Yeah, that’s the word. Interesting.

MM: DeSalvo and BILL talking over strategy here. They’re pointing at Xamfir. They must think that if they can get rid of Xamfir, it’ll be easy pickings two on one against Unit 5.

Styles: And here we...OH MY GOD! DeSalvo just backstabbed BILL! BILL falls to the floor at DeSalvo’s hands!

AD: Sorry, boss, it’s just business.

BILL: Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?

AD: Eliminated you?

BILL: Well, yes, there’s that. But you also just signed your death warrant! Be seeing you soon!

Styles: DeSalvo. Xamfir. Unit 5.

SW: *Groans* This is gonna suck!

MM: It’s the new generation of BOB stars. The fans have been demanding new stars. And here they are.

SW: I think they’re gonna demand the status quo from now on.

Xamfir: YAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Xamfir just charged at Unit 5.

*THUD*

SW: BWAHAHAHA. Stupidest impersonation of a Billy goat ever!

MM: Xamfir stumbling around.

Xamfir: Hey, Jeannie! I did it baby! I’m king of the world!

*CRASH*

Styles: Albert DeSalvo just got behind Unit 5 and rammed it into Xamfir. And poor guy. He thinks he’s seeing Jeannie out here. Xamfir is eliminated. Damn. Unit 5 and DeSalvo. And DeSalvo is the only man who has the strength to lift out the huge Unit 5. It’s academic at this point.

[The lights go out.]

SW: You just HAD to say that, didn’t you, Styles!

Styles: What’d I say?

SW: That’s like saying what else can go wrong? Now we’re about to find out.

["Battle Without Honor Or Humanity" by Tomoyasu Hotei began playing over the arena’s repaired sound system. The crowd popped as a spotlight shone on the entryway for a woman who had not been seen in a few months since being brutally beaten by the JEWS. That woman? The Bride!]

Styles: IT’S THE BRIDE! OH MY GOD! THE BRIDE IS BACK IN BOB AND SHE’S OUT FOR VENGEANCE! And Albert DeSalvo is in her sights first! She charges into the ring! DeSalvo charges at her, but she leaps over him. He turns around. Kick to the face! Punch. LOW BLOW! TESTICULAR CLAW! OH MY GOD! SHE LIFTS DESALVO UP BY THE NUTS AND TOSSES HIM TO THE FLOOR!

MA: The winner of the match, UNIT 5!!

*Huge crowd pop*

[Loud banging sound.]

MM: Scotty, it’s not THAT bad.

SW: *Groans* A washing machine won a battle royal. BOB is riding on the shortest bus on the highway to hell.

Styles: But The Bride isn’t done with DeSalvo yet. She goes to the floor and grabs a chair and tosses it and DeSalvo back inside. She rams DeSalvo face first into Unit 5!

*BANG*

Styles: And again!

*BANG*

Styles: AND AGAIN!

*BANG*

Styles: This is some EXTREME PAYBACK!

The Bride: Hey DeSalvo. Paybacks are a bitch. And so am I!

Styles: SHE WINDS UP!

*BANG!*

Styles: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! She just sandwiched DeSalvo’s head with the chair and Unit 5! DeSalvo is a bloody mess! He’s wearing the crimson mask and the fans are absolutely loving it! The Bride has just destroyed Albert DeSalvo! Fans, what a pay-per-view! For Scotty Whatbody and Mike Monroe, I’m Styles saying...oh my god!


© 2004 BOB Wrestling. Dear f’n God....

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