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MegaBrawl II

[Fade in on Sin City Icons Stadium, the 16,000 seat stadium that is the home of the playoff-bound Sin City Icons of the FOBL. A not-nearly-even-close-to-sold-out crowd is on hand, waiting for the show to get underway.]

Ed Sullivan Impersonator: Ladies and gentlemen, the Beetlejuicers!

[Ed's remaining words are drowned out by shrill girly screams as we cut to a group of four yellow-haired freaks sporting white corpse paint and dressed in white and black vertical-striped suits. They launch into a song that sounds eerily similar to "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles. Four elves dressed in green are also dancing around the ring.]

John Deadgend: Elves, elves, elves
Elves, elves, elves
Elves, elves, elves

JD: Santa doesn't shop at Toys "R" Us
Doesn't have to fight the Christmas rush
He's never out of stock of even the hardest toys and games
It's easy

JD: Nothing in his sack he really made
No one gets forgotten Christmas day
So if you wanna know how he gets it done in the knick of time
It's easy

JD: All you need is elves

Elf: That's us!

JD: All you need is elves

Elf 4: The little people.

JD: All you need is elves, Love
Elves are all you need

Elf: All toys are made by elves.

JD: Elves, elves, elves

Elf: There's nothing we can't make.

JD: Elves, elves, elves

Elf: Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a 128-bit video system out of wood?

Elf 2: Ho, ho, let me tell you, it ain't easy.

Elf 3: No kidding!

Elf 4: Tell me about it!

JD: All you need is elves
All you need is elves

Elf: We're non-union labor.

JD: All you need is elves, Love
Elves are all you need

JD: Nothing you can know not much is known
Cause no one's ever caught one in his home
They're never really seen but that doesn't mean that they're make believe
They're teensy

Elf 2: Hey! Watch where you're stepping, you big freak!

JD: All you need is elves
All you need is elves

Elf 3: We're too short for Space Mountain.

JD: All you need is elves, Love
Elves are all you need
Elves are all you need
Elves are all you need
Elves are all you need
Elves are all you need…

JD: He loves you, ho, ho, ho.
He loves you, ho...

StylesScotty Whatbody

Styles: What would Christmas be without a little parody holiday music?

Scotty Whatbody: About as boring as a Jason Kain promo?

Styles: Hiyo! Hello everyone, and welcome to MegaBrawl II! I'm Mikey Styles, as always, joined by the one and only, Scotty Whatbody.

SW: Oh, hi there. You just caught my urinating on the decapitated skulls of three moron judges. The only cure for eWmaniatournamentacitis is decapitation followed by urination. They must've caught the disease by being so far up Kain's ass.

Styles: Did Death write your intro this week?

SW: Is it that obvious? Would YOU tell Death no?

Styles: Of course not.

SW: Wow, is it Halloween?

Styles: No, Scotty, it's nearly Christmas.

SW: Really? Because a lot of our fans came dressed up as empty seats. Ah, I always get these pagan holidays confused.

Styles: Pagan?

SW: I read it on the Internets.

Styles: Fans, what a night we have in store for you tonight. Without a doubt, our main event is the BIGGEST in BOB history. Not only is every title on the line. Not only is Dr. Silaconne M. Plants' career on the line. Not only is Nurse Heidi is the referee. But on top of all that, it will be held in the confines of a cage! But not just any cage. A Nicolas Cage!

SW: There's a great premise for his next movie. "Honey, I Shrunk The Main Eventers and Shot Them Into Nicolas Cage's Ass!"

Styles: That won't be the case tonight, though, Scotty. Of course, a Nicolas Cage match is when a cage is lined with the various movies of the Hollywood megastar himself, Nicolas Cage.

SW: I just hope the match isn't a bigger bomb than the "World Trade Center."

Styles: Scotty!

SW: What? Oh! BWAHAHAHA! I didn't mean like THAT!

Styles: Will SMP be "Gone in 60 Seconds," or will Studnuts get the "Kiss of Death"? We'll find out. Plus, we've got other huge matches, including a four-way match between Kurt Angel, American Panda, The Great, and Kobe Gyant, with the winner getting a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

SW: American Panda all the way. He's gonna eat all their fuckin' jugulars! And speaking of jugs, look at Heidi's! Oh, baby! I want to see Heidi's Anatomy, Part 1 and Part 2!

Styles: Also, Seth Harker vs. Kid Pirate in a Walk the Plank match.

SW: Arrrr!

Styles: Death takes on Zombie Mr. Fantastic, Rakes On a Plane, Axl vs. Viruz, The Wizard and Thomas Largeman vs. Steel Chair and the Human Foreign Object--

SW: Oh, quit shilling it. They already bought the show.

Styles: Oh yeah. Let's get to it then. It's time for our It's A Wonderful Curtain Jerker Battle Royal! Heidi, take it away.

SW: By "it away," he means, your top! Woohoo!

NH: Fat chance, Scotty.

SW: Awww. Styles, you think Studs has the numbers of those chicks from that Rant?

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the opening contest of MegaBrawl II, and it's your It's A Wonderful Curtain Jerker Battle Royal! And because this is a curtain jerker, every participant is already in the ring. Introducing first. He hails from Bloody Olde Cloudydale, and weighs 180 pounds, this is Little Good!

Little Good

Styles: Little Good making his final appearance in Brawlers On a Budget tonight.

SW: He is?

LG: I AM? Bloody hell.

Styles: Whoops. Wrong page of the script.

LG: Bugger this then. I'm outta here.

NH: Would you mind hopping over the top rope?

LG: Sure, love.

NH: Little Good has been eliminated.

[The crowd cheers Little Good as he leaves. Probably because he is leaving, actually.]

Styles: Wow, I think that's the first pre-match battle royal elimination ever!

SW: BOB: we innovate, they laugh at our stupid ideas.

Styles: Next, he's from Parts Unknown and weighs pounds unknown. This. Is. Pigeon!

Pigeon

[The crowd cheers a bit for Pigeon.]

Pigeon: am I getting fired too? might as well go out with a bang.

[Pigeon grabs Heidi's boobs.]

Pigeon: nice.

NH: I don't know if you're getting fired, but you've definitely got a harassment suit on your hands.

Pigeon: these aren't harassment suits, they're your jugs. dumb blonde.

SW: I vote Pigeon replaces Styles next year.

Styles: Thanks, pal. I appreciate that.

SW: What? It'd be a favor to you. You could probably get a real job.

Styles: As what?

SW: A DVD rental store maybe? You're a sad man and watch lots of tapes.

NH: Introducing next. Um, Pigeon? Please. Let go.

Pigeon: grab the boobies, nevermore.

[Pigeon finally lets go and collapses into a corner of the ring.]

NH: Introducing next, weighing about 3 pounds, she hails from Kid Pirate's shoulder, this is Pretty Boy!

Pretty Boy

[Pretty Boy flaps her wings, getting cheers and wolf whistles from the crowd.]

SW: Is Pretty Boy going to get implants?

Styles: Do they make implants for parrots?

SW: I hope so! Parrot penis squeezers!

Styles: Yikes!

NH: Next, he hails from Snap Finger, Georgia, and weighs 222 pounds, the show starter, the curtain jerker, the opening event…the Snapmare Kid!

Snapmare Kid

Styles: SMK is the man of 1,000 variations of the snapmare.

SW: In other words, SMK is too stupid to learn any other actual wrestling moves. Clothesline hard.

NH: Introducing next, making her Brawlers On a Budget wrestling debut, she is accompanied to the ring by her husband and manager Rudolph Tar, she weighs 102 pounds and hails from Yerevan, Armenia, this is Tia Tar!

Tiatar

SW: What's with Rudolph wearing that clown nose and the antlers?

Styles: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

SW: *Sigh*

NH: Next, he hails from a shithole, and boy does he smell like it, XXXtreme Machine everyone!

XXXtreme Machine

SW: Bwahahaha! Nice.

XM: fuk u u k7nt!!

NH: Next—

Pete "XFactor" Trable

["XFactor" Pete Trable snatches the mic out of Heidi's hand. The crowd cheers in anticipation of Trable's forthcoming rap.]

PT: What up Sin City!

[The crowd pops.]

PT: I'm like Keith Olbermann's ratings, y'all are like Bill Orally's
Tonight, I'm the Road Runner, y'all are my Wile E.'s
Yo, I'm in a match with XXXtreme Machine? Did I wake up in hell?
I'ma punk you out like my name's Joey Styles and yours is JBL!

SW: Bwa ha haha!

Styles: *Ahem*

PT: And Snapmare Kid? That's almost as bad as TNA hiring Al Snow
SMK, whoa do you blow, bro. Go. Yo…yo yo?
And what's weirder than a boy named Sue?
A chick parrot named Pretty Boy? Dude!
Can you put lipstick on a parrot like you would on a pig?
And on a totally unrelated note, I really wanna do dirty things to Kristin Wiig
Ya dig?

Styles: That came out of nowhere.

SW: It's hard to diss a parrot in raps, apparently.

PT: Speaking of birds, what about Pigeon
This man hates himself as part of his religion

Pigeon: I'm a Jew!

PT: Yo, you hate yo'self, but trust me dogg, I hate ya more
You couldn't even bang Michelle…and she's a total whore

Crowd: Trable! Trable! Trable!

PT: Speaking of whores, that brings me to you, Tia
Sorry to hear about the gonorrhea and the diarrhea
Hey Rudy, do you get a red nose when Tia's on the rag?
Or are you too busy with your buddies playing Hide the Tea Bag?

SW: Damn damn damn.

PT: And Captain Peroxide? I had a rap for the dude, but he split
But that's OK, cuz Little Good can't wrestle for (Pete puts the mic in the air)

Crowd: Shit!

Styles: And here we go! The crowd erupts as everyone begins brawling with each other.

SW: And now they're quickly remembering how boring battle royals are. Wow, that was shorter than usual.

Styles: Little Good is already gone.

SW: Oh, I think this one's about to get VERY interesting.

Styles: Why?

SW: Look! And prepare an OMG.

Styles: Slingshot springboard moonsault superkick? Are you kidding me? Tia Tar just leveled Snapmare Kid with that one. Trable grabs Tia. Tia gets free. That was like an inverted X-Factor, except the back of Trable's skull hit the mat. Spinning head buster? I don't even know what to call that one!

Crowd: Holy shizzle! Holy shizzle! Holy shizzle!

SW: Pretty Boy has XXXtreme Machine by the hair, Styles. And she's pulling him over the top rope. XXXtreme Machine desperately trying to hang on.

Styles: Pretty Boy better be careful.

SW: Can you even eliminate a bird? They have wings. And by that logic, could you eliminate a maxi pad?

Styles: WHAT?

SW: Too random?

Styles: Um, yeah. Plus, maxi pads can't fly.

SW: Bwahaha! Pretty Boy just pulled out clumps of blue hair! Awesome! Now he's gonna need the r0gayn har kulb 4 mne.

Styles: Sorry? Hold on. Slingshot catapult elbow drop by Tia Tar on Snapmare Kid! Tia Tar, the Armenian circus performer, with one hell of a debut performance thus far, Scotty.

SW: Rudolph must be the luckiest bastard on the planet. Can you imagine what goes on in their bedroom on his birthday for his once a year b.j.? Oh man.

Styles: Trable and Pigeon slugging it out. Look out. Tia Tar just used them as a springboard and cannon balls into XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid. Pretty Boy just barely avoided that one.

SW: Pretty Boy's heading up top. She can't like being out high spotted. Let's see what she's got.

Styles: Parrotconrana on Tia Tar! Oh my GOD! Tia Tar's back up. HOODANCONRANA BRAINBUSTER ON PRETTY BOY! Snapmare Kid charges Tia Tar. She leaps over and OH MY GOD! Reverse hoodanconrana brainbuster! Unbelievable!

SW: XXXtreme Machine charges.

Styles: I may blow my entire wad of "oh my gods" in this one match! XXXtreme Machine just tried for a clothesline, but Tia Tar used XXXtreme Machine's outstretched arm to hit a spinning enzuguri, and followed by a Tiaconrana.

SW: Not to mention all that crazy spinning stuff. Tia better be careful. She's gonna have some severe inner thigh chafing if she keeps rubbing her legs all around XXXtreme Machine's face like that.

Styles: And here's one we've been waiting to see. It's the Battle of the Birds! Pigeon and Pretty Boy going at it! Spinning back wing by Pretty Boy. Pigeon's rolls out under the bottom rope. He's grabbing a chair. Oh I think we know what's coming up here.

SW: He's gonna beat Pretty Boy's brains out?

Styles: Or not. OK! Snapmare Kid trying for a snapmare on Trable. Springboard 450 dropkick by Tia takes Trable and SMK down! Oh MAN!

SW: Pigeon whips Pretty Boy to the ropes. But Pretty Boy stops. Pigeon charges, Pretty Boy avoids. Drop claw hold onto the chair. And Pigeon tastes the steel.

Styles: XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid have Tia now. They whip her to the ropes. Double Corkscrew Asai DDT! Oh my GOD! Tia charges at the chair. Triple jump moonsault on both members of Fingerbang XXX.

CRACK!

SW: Oh, she wasn't quick enough to duck that chair. Ironically thrown by Pigeon. What's with all the bird references in this one?

Styles: I think that was accidental.

SW: I'd love to *goose* Tia.

Styles: Trable has Pretty Boy! CD! Now! Pretty Boy flies free. Trable charges! Beak body drop!! Oh! Trable hangs on to the rope on the apron!

Styles: Pigeon has Tia! Pigeon Drop coming up! No! Oh my GOD! That was like a kick you'd see in the Matrix. Trable has Pigeon. CD! And that one connected. Tia springs up top! OH MY GOD! 900 splash on Pigeon! Fingerbang XXX now beating up on Trable in the corner. Tia drags up Pigeon with the help of Pretty Boy. And the girls just dumped Pigeon.

SW: I'm sure he's used to getting dumped by hot chicks, even of other species.

Styles: Look out! Pretty Boy and Tia Tar charge toward the corner!

Crowd: OHHH!

Styles: MY GOD! Tandem slingshot 619s!

SW: 69s! Bwahaha!

Styles: 619, Scotty.

SW: I swear, Armenia's area code is 69. They can't afford three numbers there, Styles.

Styles: Please. That was just a way to make a sexual inneuendo.

SW: Yeah, well at least I can spell innuendo.

Styles: Damnit!

SW: What are you, British? Canadian? Adding extra letters. Elitist bastard.

Styles: And SMK and XXXtreme Machine are gone? Wow. Thanks for making me miss that.

SW: Don't get pissy at me because your rubber girlfriend committed suicide last night. Pop!

Styles: Please! This match deserves our attention!

SW: I'm watching it. Sexy flexible brunette involved, hello? Speaking of which. Trable's got himself involved in an interspecies threesome! Bwahaha!

Styles: We are down to the final three participants. Look out! Tia on the move. Cartwheel springboard back elbow takes down Trable. Once again, Pretty Boy flies right out of harm's way. Trable pulling himself back up. Oh no! Tia Tar's walking the ropes! DROPKICK TO TRABLE! And here she goes again. Moonsault headscissors to Pretty Boy! And Pretty Boy slides right into Trable's crotch!

Crowd: OHHHHH!

Styles: ROLLING THUNDER, STANDING SHOOTING STAR PRESS TO THE CORNER! OH. MY. GOD! This crowd is giving a standing ovation to Tia Tar here.

SW: So are my pants.

Styles: Ewww. Tia pulling up Trable now and setting him on the top rope. Now what does this gymnast have in mind. Springboard reverse Tiaconrana! Trable is eliminated! And Tia skins the cat back inside and grabs Pretty Boy! She's trying to eliminate Pretty Boy the same way now!

 

[A guy in sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt, and a girl in a pink hamster outfit run into the ring.]

SW: Hey! Who are these two?

Styles: That's Indigo! And Hamster Girl! They just recently showed up in the Rant Zone. And now they're showing up at MegaBrawl II!

SW: They also just eliminated Tia Tar and Pretty Boy!

Styles: DAMNIT! These two couldn't be bothered to show up on time, and now they're the final two participants? Are they even IN this match?

SW: I don't know. Does BOB EVER make sense?

Styles: Tia and Pretty Boy are both irate.

SW: I smell a tag team grudge match on the next iMPLOSION!

Styles: Heidi? What's going on?

NH: Ladies and gentlemen…Indigo and Hamster Girl have just told me that they don't want to fight each other. Therefore, the co-winners of the match, are Indigo and Hamster Girl!

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!

SW: Co-winners? Oh, bullfuckingshit!

Styles: Wow. What a shocking end to this amazing match. Tia and Pretty Boy charge the ring, trying to get some of Indigo and Hamster Girl, who are running for their lives to the back! Wow. What a way to kick off MegaBrawl II.

SW: In typical BOB retardedness.

Styles: And the fun is about to continue. Let's send it to the back to Kay Fabe, who is standing by with Steel Chair and the Human Foreign Object!

SW: So this is our Wrestlemania? Jesus…

Kay FabeThe Human Foreign ObjectSteel Chair

[Backstage, Kay Fabe is standing by with the Human Foreign Object. Oh, and Steel Chair. Sorry, didn't see the little midget bastard down there.]

KF: Human Foreign Object, a shot at the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles is on the line. What are your thoughts?

HFO: Well, bitch, it's really simple. I'm a goddamn wrestling superstar. Hey, old bastard and tall retard! You think you can beat the most hardcore tag team on the planet? Well, in the words of Judas Priest, you've got another thing comin'! Bye, cuntface!

[The Human Foreign Object grabs Steel Chair and walks away.]

KF: Well, it sounds like the Human Foreign Object and an actual foreign object, Steel Chair, are hell bent for NGETFA tonight. Styles, Scotty, let's send it back to you.

The Human Foreign ObjectSteel ChairThomas LargemanThe Wizard

[As we return to Sin City Stadium, "Hit Me Baby One More Time" is playing. Out steps a man wearing only blue jeans and an aluminum foil mask, carrying a chair under his right arm.]

NH: The following match is set for one fall, and the winning team will become the number one contenders for the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. Introducing first, team number one. At a combined weight of 247 pounds, they are from Unknown. Steel Chair and The Human Foreign Object!

SW: Unknown? Isn't that in Alaska?

Styles: I think you're thinking of Nome, Alaska.

SW: Oh, right. Where all the gnomes live.

Styles: Huh? Gnomes are myths.

SW: I just saw a bunch of them dancing out here at the start of the show!

Styles: Those were ELVES! Elves elves elves!

SW: Elves are all you need.

Styles: Kay? Do you have an interview with the Wizard and Thomas Largeman?

[Cut backstage.]

Kay Fabe

KF: Nope. You just missed them. It was a great interview though. Back to you!

[Back to the ring.]

SW: Nice, Styles. You made us miss the interview!

Styles: How is that my fault! You were going off about gnomes in Alaska!

SW: Sure, Styles. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

["Magic Man" by Heart plays. Thomas Largeman, wearing a black T-shirt and jeans steps out first, followed by the much shorter man dressed in a red gown and big red floppy hat.]

NH: And their opponents. First, from Devon England, Thomas Largeman. And his partner, from 12 Hobbledorf Street, Somewhere on the edge of a cliff, the Wizard!

SW: I wonder if Devon's main source of income is from retrieving tables?

Styles: Why? Oh, I get it. Very clever. A Team 3D references. Well, The Wizard and Largeman had a very impressive debut against Fingerbang XXX at October Surprise.

SW: In all fairness, it was AGAINST Fingerbang XXX.

Styles: I can't dispute that point. Meanwhile, Steel Chair and Human Foreign Object had a great showing in Snore Games against Kobe Gyant's team.

SW: Whatever happened to that whole angle with the ladder?

Styles: That Deathmatchapalooza show got canceled.

SW: Ah. That would have been a classic three-way dance, I'm sure. At least it couldn't have been worse than Douglas/Funk/Sabu. You'd know since you were there.

Styles: Again, that is JOEY, I'm Mikey Styles! And we're ready for this match to get underway.

SW: The big question is who the winner of this match will even face next year. Will it be a team with Steve Studnuts or a team with Dr. Silaconne M. Plants on it?

Styles: We won't know the answer to that question until after tonight's huge main event. Steel Chair and The Wizard are going to start us off here.

SW: For the love of God, why? The Wizard does even less moves than Steel Chair! And its promos make more sense. Do old farts get stoned?

Styles: Do you?

SW: Hey! I'm not old!

Styles: Wizard using his wand to no effect on Steel Chair! Uh oh! Steel Chair must have cast a protection spell. I had no idea Steel Chair was a master of the black arts!

SW: Sorry, I don't do dungeons and dragons and all that boring shit. I have no clue what to say about that statement. Nerd.

Styles: Human Foreign Object is in. He lifts up Steel Chair. Crosschair block! Cover? One! Two! The Wizard is able to power out of that cover. The Wizard grabs Steel Chair and…modified dragon screw leg whip. Wizard now setting up Steel Chair on his shoulders. Tag in to Largeman. Doomsday Device! Nicely done.

SW: Yeah, Steel Chair might have been decapitated if it actually had a head and wasn't a freaking chair.

Styles: HFO drags Steel Chair to the corner. And he tags himself in. He charges and bounces right off of Largeman. And now the Human Foreign Object is trapped in headscissors.

SW: Old school…suckage.

Styles: HFO slips out. Largeman trips him and he hits a dropkick! Wow. And the Human Foreign Object bails out of the ring after that one. HFO quickly around the corner of the ring. He's got Steel Chair.

CRACK!

Crowd: Ohhhh!

Styles: Top rope Steel Chair shot! Oh my GOD! The Wizard's in the ring now. He magically grabs Human Foreign Object.

Crowd: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!

Styles: HFO just got introduced to the turnbuckles ten times.

SW: Funny, it looked like he did that all by himself.

Styles: No. The dude is magic, Scotty.

SW: Uh huh.

Styles: Vicky Jean telling the Wizard to quit interfering when he isn't the legal man.

SW: And probably trying to figure out if he's got any money so she can marry him and cut everyone else out of the will.

Styles: If he's working here, trust me, he's poor. Human Foreign Object and Steel Chair are heading up top? Steel Chair superplexes HFO onto Largeman! Well, there's something you don't see every day. And I guess Chair is the legal member now.

SMACK

SW: Bwahahaha! Largeman just blasted himself with Steel Chair! C'mon! I can suspend disbelief, but this is just pushing it, Styles.

Styles: That was a head butt. Or chair butt, maybe? I don't know how to call this match. Steel Chair with a senton!

SW: BecauseLargemanjusttosseditupintheairandletithithim.

Styles: Oh, and now Steel Chair is looking for…a submission here. Oh, Steel Chair really working over Largeman's head now with those…headscissors?

SW: BecauseLargemanjuststuckhimselfthere.

Styles: Pardon?

SW: Boobs.

Styles: Hold on. Largeman powering out. Gorilla press slam on Steel Chair! Tag to Wizard.

CRACK

Styles: His spell worked that time! Meeting of the minds of sorts as Steel Chair just cracked HFO in the face. Now Wizard's forcing HFO to climb the ropes holding onto Steel Chair? Oh MAN! Steel Chair moonsault! Wizard puts a foot on top of HFO, who is covering Steel Chair! One! Two! And no! Steel Chair kicked out. Lackadaisical cover there by the Wizard.

SW: Yeah, the COVER was the problem.

Styles: Now what? HFO being magically forced to take Steel Chair up top. HUMANCONRANA! And now The Wizard casting another spell and there's a gordbuster on Steel Chair! HFO now being forced up top. Double foot stomp on Steel Chair! Largeman grabs HFO. Overhead choke toss over the top rope!

THUD

SW: Wow, that sound was HFO bouncing off the ground. Do it again! That was awesome!

Styles: Wizard steps on Steel Chair! One! Two! Three! THEYGOTEM!

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners and new number one contenders for the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Championship, Thomas Largeman and The Wizard!

Styles: Nice victory for the Wizard and Largeman. We are off and running at MegaBrawl II, Scotty.

SW: Yep. And go Icons! They have a huge matchup coming up with El Diablos in the semi-finals this weekend. There's no way they can lose that one. Unless they show up.

Styles: Both teams have been doing a lot of trash talking this week after the Sin City Icons defeated the Stoneville Playboys by just two points! Hopefully, they don't end up fighting for third place against the Haddonfield Slashers, who have owned them this season. OH MY GOD!

SW: What? Nothing happened yet.

Styles: It's preemptive. I just looked at the sheet.

SW: We have sheets now?

Styles: The Detached Narrator dropped it on my desk. It's written in crayon...

[It was the only thing I had at the time.]

SW: Well, what's it say?

Styles: It's hard to read. It's in yellow crayon.

[...The only thing I had at the time.]

Styles: Be that as it may... OH MY GOD.

SW: Would you just tell me why you're saying that, apart from it being your whole gimmick?

Styles: Er, yeah... the next match lined up, apparently is... well...

SW: Hurry up and tell us, you douchebag.

Styles: The San Diego Zoo against Festering Death.

SW: Did you just say... Festering Death?

Styles: I did.

SW: Fuck.

Styles: That's what I said... well, in my head, anyway.

SW: Oh, God, the carnage. Oh, God, the mayhem. Oh, God, the raped pandas. Can we, maybe... I dunno. Skip this one?

[And miss the giraffe rape? Come on, Scotty. There's so much rape in their necks alone that raping just one giraffe would be considered genorape.]

Styles: Did you just make that word up?

[Yes. Hey, look! It's a shot of the Skyfari, a gondola lift, which is bouncing wildly many feet in the air above the zoo.]

Styles: What's going on up there, Scotty?

SW: Do you REALLY want to know? I think you're about to get your answer.

Styles: Hold on. It looks like a long pink rope is being lowered from the Skyfari. Oh dear LORD, that's not a rope! Several flamingos that have been tied together at the neck!

[Well...neck to legs, technically...]

SW: Wow, this puts Shawn Michael's Wrestlemania 13 entrance to bloody shame... It's raining flamingo blood. Hallelujah, it's raining flamingo blood!

SpacecopSpaceduck

Styles: And there they are! Spaceduck and Spacecop are sliding down the dead bloody flamingo pole! The San Diego Zoo's unofficial ambassadors have—

SW: Been raped in the assador?

Styles: Gross, Scotty.

SW: I'M gross?

Styles: Yes!

=<>: YIPEE-KAY-YAY ZOOFUCKERS!

=C]: WE HAVE COME TO ANNOUNCE OUR OWN MATCH. FOR YOU SEE, TONIGHT, WE HAVE COME TO THE FAMOUS SAN DIEGO ZOO. WE HAVE A LONG, UNFORTUNATE HISTORY WITH THIS PLACE. SEE, MANY YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE BUT CHILD SPACEDUCKS AND SPACECOPS, WE CAME TO THIS PLACE IN SEARCH OF OUR FIRST KILL AND RAPE. AND IT WAS A MAGICAL TIME. KINDA LIKE A DISNEY MOVIE IF THE MAIN CHARACTERS KILLED AND RAPED PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. BUT AFTER WE POPPED OUR KILLARAPE CHERRIES, THEY FOUND US STANDING OVER THE HIPPO'S CORPSE... WAIT, DO WE EVEN STAND?

=<>: WE DO NOW.

=C]: ALRIGHT. ANYWAY, THEY FOUND US STANDING OVER THE HIPPO'S CORPSE, THEN THEY TOSSED US OUT OF THE ZOO AND BANNED US FOREVER. BUT NOW, WE'RE BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS. AND WE'RE HERE TO BEGIN THE ONSLAUGHT OF KILLING AND RAPING.. SPACEDUCK, IF YOU WOULD?

=<>: AND A ONE, AND A TWO, AND A FUCK YOU...

[Cut to tortoises.]

=C]: HEY KIDS, EVER WONDERED HOW THEY MAKE TURTLE WAX?

Styles: Oh no! Where did Spacecop get that wood chipper?

SW: Wood chipper?

=<>: HEY! WAIT! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO EDUCATE BEFORE MAKING THE VIEWERS REGURGITATE...

*RAPE*

=<>: THAT, VIEWERS, IS WHAT WE CALL A RAPETILE!

*GRIIIIINNNNNNNND*

Styles: OH MY GOD! Spaceduck tosses the tortoise into the wood chipper.

[Cut to a shot of a cute white rabbit covered in turtle gore. A cartoon cloud suddenly appears over the rabbit, saying: "I've got tortoise in my hare!" Cut to the next unfortunate exhibit: Tiger River.]

=C]: TIGER RIVER...DAT TIGER RIVER...WE MUST STAB SOMETHIN'...WE MUST RAPE SOMETHIN'...

=<>: WELL, THERE'S TIGERS IN THIS THERE RIVER.

=C]: OOH, THEY FIGHT BACK, TOO.

=<>: YES. THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA STAB THEM IN THEIR TIGER KIDNEYS.

=C]: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE TIGERS HAVE KIDNEYS?

=<>: NO. I FIGURE THIS CALLS FOR EXPERIMENTATION!

=C]: COMMENCE THE UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT!

=<>: *STAB!*

=C]: *RAPE!*

Styles: *VOMIT!*

SW: Dude! My shoes!

Styles: They're stabbing and raping tigers! How are YOU not throwing up?

SW: Easy. I'm not watching any more.

Styles: You're what?

SW: I started staring at the chick over there with the large rack.

Styles: That's a fat man.

SW: .........It's the closest thing we get to a hot chick in BOB, so shut up and let me fantasize.

Styles: Excuse me a second.

Styles: *VOMIT!*

[Dude, *MY* shoes.]

Styles: YOU'RE NOT EVEN DOWN HERE!

[Cut to—]

=<>: AM I FUCKING HALLUCINATING?

[Spaceduck and Spacecop are standing in front of the Kilimanjaro Safari sign.]

=<>: A SIGN THAT'S TELLING US TO KILL? WHERE IS THIS JARO FELLOW?

[Conveniently, a Mexican man wearing glasses wanders by. He is also wearing a sombrero and carrying a huge sombrero with both hands.]

Jaro: I jused to weigh 425 pounds before I started on the Subterraneo diet. Look at the sombrero I jused to have to wear! Six X! Now look at me! I fit into a regular sombrero. Esse.

=<>: HEY, JARO, HAVE YOU TRIED THE FESTERING DEATH STAB AND RAPE DIET?

Jaro: No. How does it work? Esse?

=<>: *STAB!*

=C]: *RAPE!*

=<>: DUH.

=C]: JUST WATCH THOSE CALORIES FADE AWAY WHILE YOU ROT.

=<>: HMM...WHERE NEXT TO PLUNDER...ELEPHANTS? LIONS? TIGERS? RHINOS? GIRAFFES?

=C]: OOH, GIRAFFES! YOU HAVEN'T *LIVED* UNTIL YOU'VE RAPED A GIRAFFE. THERE'S JUST SO MUCH TO RAPE IN THEIR NECK. TALK ABOUT DEEP THROATING!

["We're Off to See the Wizard" begins playing as Festering Death bounce down the road. Except these lyrics go a little something like this: "WE'RE OFF TO STAB A WIZARD, AND PROBABLY RAPE A HOG...BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE...IT'S FUCKING FUN MOTHERFUCKERS." Cut to the rhino exhibit.]

=<>: *STAB!*

=C]: OH WAIT. CHECK THIS OUT. WHO AM I, WHO AM I? GORE! GORE! GORE!

=<>: SPACECOP?

=C]: DID YOU SKULLFUCK A RETARD TODAY? NO! WHO AM I IMPERSONATING! FORGET IT...MOVING ON...

[Cut to the elephants. The sound of four chainsaws roar into life. Accompanied by ACTUAL roars from the lions that are wielding the chainsaws.]

=<>: THESE LIONS ARE FUCKING HEAVY!

=C]: MAYBE THE SHARKS WERE TOO MUCH?

[Oh, right, forgot to mention. The lions? They're in the mouths of sharks. Well...three of them anyway.]

=<>: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Sharc

Sharc: Um, Sharc?

[The laughing hyenas laugh.]

Sharc: Oh, fuck. So THIS is what happens when I get writer's block in BRAND?

[The laughing hyenas laugh.]

=C]: PUT THAT FUCKING LION AND ITS CHAINSAW IN YOUR MOUTH OR WE WILL STAB AND RAPE YOU HORRIBLY.

Sharc: Right, because putting a lion and a chainsaw is the GOOD alternative?

[The laughing hyenas laugh.]

=<>: WHAT'S WITH THE HYENA LAUGH TRACK?

Sharc: It's contractually mandated. People must laugh after my dialogue.

[The laughing hyenas laugh.]

=<>: YOU'RE FUCKING BORING.

=<>: *STAB!*

=C]: *ORAL CHAINSAW LION RAPE!*

Styles: OH MY GOD!

=<>: I THINK THE SHARKS ARE DEAD, TOO. DO THEY NEED WATER OR SOMETHING?

=C]: DO I LOOK LIKE JACQUES FUCKING COUSTEAU? HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? NOW, WHERE ARE THOSE GIRAFFES? AHH.

=<>: LOOKS LIKE YOU'LL BE BUSY FOR A WHILE...I WANT TO GO FIND THOSE CHINK PANDA BEARS.

=C]: CHINK PANDA BEARS?

=<>: NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THAT FAT FUCK AMERICAN PANDA OF BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET.

=C]: HOW CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE?

=<>: CHINK PANDAS HAVE SLANTED EYES AND INSTEAD OR ROARING, THEY LOAR. PLUS, THEY DON'T WEAR A FUCKING LUCHADORE MASK.

=C]: RIGHT THEN. WE'RE WORSE FOR POLAR BEARS THAN GLOBAL FUCKING WARMING!

Guy: I find that racially insensitive.

=<>: I FIND YOUR FACE INSENSITIVE. LET'S PUT IT THROUGH SOME SENSITIVITY TRAINING.

=<>: *FACESTAB!*

=C]: *FACERAPE!*

=<>: YOU CAN RAPE FACES?

=C]: I CAN NOW.

=<>: COOL. LET'S GO TRY IT OUT ON THOSE FUCKERS THERE.

Styles: OH MY GOD!

Whatbody: What? What is it now?

Styles: They're heading for the Ituri Forest!

=C]: HEY, HIPPOFUCKS! REMEMBER US!?

[And the hippos SCATTER.]

=C]: ...APPARENTLY SO.

=<>: WELL, THEY CAN RUN FROM US, BUT THEY CAN'T HIDE FROM... THIS!

=C]: HEY, I REMEMBER THAT.

=<>: I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

SW: What, what is it? Hey, Detached Narrator, describe it for us.

[I don't want to.]

Styles: It's... it's... THE BLACK CHARIOT!

[Okay, for those of you who forgot, a bunch of years ago, these two... emoticons... the Black Chariot is a huge bladed... thing with mechanical, jet-powered horses. It's designed to stop and rape anything that it horribly maimed by it. There. I'm sure you're satisfied.]

Styles: No, I'm not!

[Shut up.]

SW: I think the Black Chariot is hungry for some hippos!

Styles: How is any of this even legal? Why hasn't the Army been called in to stop this massacre?

SW: The Army can't find bin Laden, how would they be able to find two emoticons? Speaking of bin Laden, I believe the Black Chariot is stained with the blood of 72 virgins that nobody will get to have sex with when they die. Because Heaven is ironic like that.

VROOM!

=<>: DIE, HIPPO, DIE!

SPLATTER

=C]: TODAY, EVERY SPECIES IS AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

[And so, it began. No creature was safe. Swamp monkeys?]

SPLATTER

[Otters.]

SPLATTER

=<>: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS? ARE YOU GIVING US THE AWARD SHOW HOOK?

[Yeah. Writer's block. Plus, I'm getting word that the Internet is threatening to shut down if we don't end the debauchery.]

=<>: FUCK THE INTERNET.

=C]: INFUCKINGDUBITABLY. WHERE NEXT TO PILLAGE?

=<>: I'VE MADE A LIST AND CHECKED IT TWICE. BEARS ARE NEXT!

=C]: WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN'S ZOO?

=<>: WHAT ABOUT IT?

=C]: THE CHILDREN OUGHTA BE EASY TO STAB IN THEIR CAGES.

=<>: HMM. GOOD POINT!

[Uh, guys? There aren't actually children in the zoo. It's like a petting zoo, with sheep and goats and spider monkeys and stuff.]

=<>: SOMEONE MUST PAY! THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING!

=C]: WELL, YOU *DID* JUST GRIND UP THE ORANGUTANS.

=<>: AND I MISSED IT? I REALLY MUST WATCH WHERE I'M DRIVING.

=C]: AND THE LEOPARDS…AND THE BEARDED PIGS…AND SOME SNAKES. AND SINCE WHEN DOES OUR CHARIOT FLY?

=<>: UPGRADES! XZIBIT PIMPED THE FUCK OUT OF OUR RIDE! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. AN IN-DASH DVD PLAYER, FOSHIZZLE.

=C]: HOOPTIE BLING? AWW, IT'S JUST THE PAIN OLYMPICS? THAT'S ALMOST AS WEAK AS 2 GIRLS 1 CUP. HEY, THERE ARE THE REINDEER. GET 'EM!

=<>: ON DASHER!

SPLATTER

=<>: ON DANCER!

SPLATTER

=<>: ON VIXEN!

SPLATTER

=<>: ON BLITZEN!

SPLATTER

=<>: OK, ENOUGH OF THIS. IT'S MAIN EVENT TIME. LET'S GET THE CHINK!

[Cue the gong sound effect as we cut over to the lair of the Chinese pandas: Bai Yun, Gao Gao, Su Lin, Zhen Zhen, Hua Mei, Shi Shi and Mei Sheng. I guess it's time for a panda gauntlet death match? There is pure silence in the serene Asian scene, until a horrible grinding noise arrives overhead.]

=C]: BANZAI, MOTHERFUCKERS!

=<>: I THINK THEY'RE CHINESE, NOT JAPANESE.

=C]: ...

=<>: ...

=C]: WHO GIVES A FUCK!?

[And then the Black Chariot crushes everything. Including itself.]

=C]: WHAT? WEAK!

=<>: WELL, THE BLACK CHARIOT HAS SERVED ITS PURPOSE, AND SHOULD GET ITS REWARD.

=<>: *STAB!*

=C]: *RAPE!*

God: EXCUSE ME.

=<>: WHOA.

=C]: DUDE, I'VE ONLY SEEN THIS GUY'S *ELBOW*.

God: You guys? Totally grounded.

=<>: UH. RIGHT. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT? YOU'RE NOT THE DETACHED NARRATOR.

=C]: YEAH, HE'S THE REAL GOD AROUND HERE.

[Uh, actually, I kinda deferred to him on this one.]

=C]: FUCK.

=<>: WELL, WE'RE BONED THEN.

*BANISH!*

Styles: Uh, does that mean they're gone?

God: Yes.

Styles: Oh, good.

God: Yes. Oh, and Styles?

Styles: Yes?

God: Quit taking my name in vain. *POOF!*

...

Styles: OH MY GOD! God just told me to... oh. Dammit.

CLICK HERE FOR MEGABRAWL II PART 2

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
TREY VINCENT


©2008 BOB Wrestling!

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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