CLICK HERE FOR MEGABRAWL II PART 1
CLICK HERE FOR MEGABRAWL II PART 2
NH: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a Bra & Panties Soap Suds Match for the T&A XX Division Championship!
[“Hung” by Napalm Death plays.]
NH: Introducing first, the challenger. From Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Weighing in at 123 lbs… Jerri Li!
Styles: Absolutely nobody, in the entire annals of BOB history, has shown the same level of endurance for pain as this woman right here.
SW: And she looks great in a leather bikini, even if it is sewn into her skin.
[“Metalstorm/Face The Slayer” by Slayer plays next.]
NH: And her opponent, the champion. From Cloudydale, Connecticut. Weighing in at 100 lbs… Sarah The Jobber Slayer!
Styles: Every red-blooded male in the audience pops big time as Sarah walks out in white lace lingerie.
SW: Hubba hubba! I can’t choose who I like better. Styles, help me make up my mind!
Styles: Their attire certainly leaves little to the imagination. These two have faced off a number of times this past year over that title. Each outing has been a war between them, with a lot of high-risk maneuvers involved. I can’t help but speculate how long it will take for this soap suds match to dissolve into the punishment these women usually dish out against one another.
SW: We’ll see fireworks for sure, and look, there’s already one in my pants!
Styles: Very funny Scotty. Well, as the bell sounds these two competitors stand eye to eye in the middle of that pool of soap suds. Sarah goes for a slap but gets blocked and tackled into the suds. Catfight! CATFIIIIIGHT!
SW: My dreams have finally come true.
Styles: Jerri with a fist into the stomach. Sarah visibly grits her teeth and rakes at Jerri’s eyes with her fingernails.
[Jerri scoops up a handful of soap suds.]
SW: Here we go.
Styles: Jerri shoves the suds into Sarah’s face and smears it downwards.
SW: I’ve died and gone to heaven. Wow, that stuff is really caked on.
Styles: Sarah jams her hand into Jerri’s mouth and pries it open before shoveling handful after handful of soap suds inside. Jerri begins to choke and knocks Sarah’s arm away before unloading all of those suds from of her mouth.
SW: Say cheese!
Styles: Sarah takes a page out of Jerri’s book and headbutts her hard, almost shattering her skull. Jerri is split wide open and blood splatters down onto Sarah’s face. Jerri backs off and Sarah nearly breaks her nose with a hard right hand.
SW: She’s getting blood all over the soap suds!
Styles: Jerri headbutts back and locks Sarah’s neck in a leg scissors hold. Sarah kicks wildly with her legs to try and make an escape.
SW: She’s manhandling her!
Styles: Sarah, who knows her onions when it comes to wrestling holds, sticks her forearms between Jerri’s legs to make enough space that she can break free. She tries to stand but falls like a rug was pulled from under her as Jerri tackles her at the ankles.
SW: She’s like a bull in a china shop.
Styles: Jerri crawls up Sarah’s back and drops a big elbow into the back of her head. She must have thick skin, or a thick skull… Sarah, brushes it off, spikes Jerri with the butt of her elbow hard and tries to scramble out of danger. Jerri pulls her leg out and sweeps Sarah off her feet. She pounces onto her back again and hammers away with massive elbows. She has her grounded with nowhere to escape to!
SW: She doesn’t back off.
Styles: Jerri continues her assault, just drilling those elbows into the back of Sarah’s head like she’s tenderizing meat.
SW: She’s in hot water now.
Styles: She starts chaining in headbutts, blood washing into Sarah’s hair, before applying a sleeper hold. She climbs up onto her feet and Sarah boldly attacks with elbows to the stomach. Jerri’s hold loosens and Sarah manages to hit a kick with the sole of her foot. She runs to the ropes and mows Jerri down with a clothesline.
SW: A dicey move, but it paid off. She needs to increase the offense if she wants to keep Jerri down.
Styles: With the shoe on the other foot Jerri can do little but crawl to the ropes. Sarah hits a middle kick to her back just as she’s pulling herself up. She turns and gets another middle kick to the belly. Kick to the chest. Spin kick. Kick to the side of the head. And a kick in the teeth! Jerri falls like a ton of bricks!
SW: It takes guts to step in the ring with someone that flosses with barbedwire, but I take my hat off to Sarah, she knows how to pull it off.
Styles: Sarah dives at Jerri and goes hell for leather on her forehead with her teeth.
SW: You see what she does to people? Even a blonde bombshell with a heart of gold has to get rough.
Styles: Sarah with a big right hand right between the eyes almost breaks the bridge of Jerri’s nose. Sarah rakes the eyes and toe kicks her in the spine as she turns away.
Sarah: Somebody give me a chair! I’m going to beat this bitch in record time.
SW: She’s going to the extreme!
Styles: A fan throws her a steel chair, which she catches and drives down into Jerri’s skull with force.
SW: That’ll make your head spin.
Styles: Sarah hooks the arms and hoists Jerri up into the air, letting the blood flow to her brain before slamming her down with a stalling double arm suplex. Sarah kips up, grabs the chair and holds it over her arm as she drops the elbow right on top of Jerri’s head. 1, 2, and somehow Jerri kicks out!
SW: Where’s my bottle opener? If XXXtreme Machine’s stolen it again to cut his toenails I’ll kill him!
Styles: Sarah opens the chair and wedges Jerri’s head into it before locking her in a sleeper hold.
SW: She’s trying to crack her open like a nut!
Styles: Jerri breaks free and turns as she stands back up. Headbutt with the chair! But it looks like she jarred her own neck in the process. In the time it takes for her to remove the weapon Sarah manages to pull herself together, charges at Jerri with a head full of steam and hits a running neckbreaker. 1, 2, and Jerri kicks out again!
SW: She’ll be sore after that one.
Styles: Jerri showing determination and sheer guts in spades as she stands up before Sarah. She looks like her blood is boiling as she goes absolutely apeshit on her with the steel chair.
SW: They’re great fighters, but this is what it all boils down to.
Styles: Sarah gets dumped on her head with a piledriver right into the steel chair. 1, 2, and no!
[Referee Vicky Jean exits the ring and heads for the back.]
SW: Where the hell is she going?
Styles: Jerri looks confused by the referee leaving the match. Sarah clambers to her feet, holding her neck in pain, and looks equally confused. Jerri clubs at her and boots her into the corner. Hard chairshot crumbles Sarah like a house of cards! And Jerri rolls out of the ring.
SW: She’s going for more artillery!
Styles: She pulls out an assortment of weapons, the last of which being a pane of glass! She slides them all into the ring and picks Sarah back up onto her feet. Corkscrew driven into the forehead of Sarah opens her up like a faucet!
SW: It’s easier than stepping on grapes, I suppose.
Styles: Sarah throws her head back and crushes Jerri’s nose! She scoops up another handful of soap suds and smushes them into Jerri’s eyes. She’s blinded!
SW: I’ll kiss them better Jerri!
Styles: Sarah now has the pane of glass and props it up in the corner. Sarah picks up that corkscrew and drills Jerri right in the face! She goes for an irish whip, but Jerri holds onto the ropes for dear life. And Jerri with a thumb to the eye socket!
SW: I love these dirty moves.
Styles: Jerri holds Sarah between her legs and wraps her arms around her waist. Lifts her up for a powerbomb and walks towards that pane of glass… but Sarah counters… OH MY GOD! SARAHCONRANA THROUGH THE GLASS!
SW: That’s the spirit!
Styles: Sarah makes the cover but the referee isn’t there to make the count.
Crowd: One, two, three!
Styles: This match should be over, and Sarah looks more than a little pissed.
SW: She can smell a screwjob.
Styles: She goes to lift Jerri up but gets red mist right in the eyes!
SW: That was blood, not mist.
Styles: Now Sarah is blinded! Jerri looks like she’s fitting brass knuckles on her hand… and now she’s doing the same for Sarah! Sarah rubs the blood out of her eyes and sees Jerri pointing at her own chin.
Jerri: Come on!
Styles: Sarah clocks Jerri with those damn brass knuckles! But Jerri swings back! These two women are going back and forth, just pulverizing one another! Suddenly they stop, both out cold on their feet. Jerri falls right out of the ring and Sarah crashes to the mat.
[Vicky Jean runs back down to the ring with a title belt in hand.]
Styles: That’s… that’s the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM belt! Vicky Jean throws the belt on top of Sarah and makes the count! 1, 2, 3! What in the world is going on here?
SW: Is Vicky doing a heel turn? What's up with this?
[Vicky grabs a microphone from Heidi and holds it down to the title.]
YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title: …
SW: The title is in rare form tonight.
VJ: Hey, hey! No need for harsh language, belty. I didn't know they can't hear you. Ladies and gentlemen, in case you forgot, the You Gotta Be Kidding Me, I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt is the most dominant title belt ever! BigBOSS sold me. He sent me to another continent. BigBOSS, really…Darfur? For this, BOB must pay!
Styles: Oh dear lord.
VJ: These women think they're hardcore? They're not hardcore. I am hardcore. Not you, me. Tell them me! Stop repeating exactly what I say! Don't you have any ability to summarize my thoughts? Apparently not. I am a stupid twat. I really want Scotty Whatbody to ravage me tonight after the show.
SW: Yes! Best day ever!
VJ: Hey, wait a second! No I don't! Belt, you're tricking me. (Vicky drops to her knees and stares up at the sky) GET OUT OF MY HEAD! OK. I'm better now. (She stands back up) So, BOB fans, here's the dealio. Queen Mylisiv. Nikki Mantle. Jerri Li. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." And they…can all… kiss…his…strap!
Styles: What in the hell is it doing?
VJ: Because it is not the belt who accepts a torch to be handed down to it from an organization that formed 10 years ago, B-O-B. The You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title is the belt who ignites the NEW FLAME of the sport of HARDCORE PARODY WRESTLING! Tonight before steel and leather as its witness. It declares itself as the new You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Champion!
Styles: The YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title is declaring itself a new name?
SW: The YGBKIADTAYOOYFMT&AXXDHC?
VJ: It has set out to change the face of parody wrestling. So tonight let the new era begin. The era of the SPORT of hardcore parody wrestling. The era of the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Champion. Take it like the bitches you are, BOB! Bum-chika-wow-wow!
Styles: Wow. What a shocking moment here at MegaBrawl. The hardcore title is back.
SW: And fittingly, the hardcore title is having its own threesome. Now that's hardcore.
Styles: I'm sure we'll be hearing more about this in 2009 and what this means to those titles. Will the 16/6 rule return?
SW: Oh I hope not.
Styles: Well fans, huge stakes in this next match. It's a four-way elimination match, with the survivor becoming the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. We've already heard from American Panda, so let's head backstage to Kay Fabe who is with Kobe Gyant! Kay?
[Cut to a blank wall.]
KF: (Offscreen) Oooooh! MMMmmmmm! Ohhhhhh! Ohhhhh! OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!
SW: Oh baby! She's definitely WITH Kobe! He's getting some pre-match snatch!
Styles: I guess Kay and Seth are history.
SW: No white chick can resist Kobe.
[Kobe stands up. He looks left. He looks right. Then he looks at the camera.]
Crowd: KOBE! KOBE! KOBE! KOBE!
KB: Lesbian my ass.
[Kobe wanders away.]
KF: (From the floor) Holy potatoes.
Styles: And what an entrance by Kobe Gyant. The people will be talking about that one for YEARS!
SW: Yeah they will. I hope this On-Demand is rated triple-x!
Styles: Let's head backstage for an interview with Kurt Angel.
[Cut backstage. There is no Kay or Kurt, only a table with seven wood alphabet blocks. The camera zooms in to reveal the letters on those blocks. W-R-I-T-E-R-S. Back to ringside…]
SW: Writers blocks? Bwahahaha!
Styles: And it looks like we're ready to get this elimination match underway. Who do you like in this one?
SW: None of them, really.
Styles: I mean, who do you think will become the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Scotty?
SW: Oh. Well, knowing BOB, Kurt will probably win.
Styles: Well, he was the OWCTM once before.
SW: Yeah, but he had a handler then. Sort of.
Styles: As Heidi explained, there will be tags in this one.
SW: So why are you repeating her? In case we have "technical difficulties"?
Styles: There is a really good shot of technical difficulties on our budget. And American Panda is going right after Kurt Angel to kick things off.
SW: Kurt probably thinks he isn't really being attacked by a bear in a luchador mask. But it's not an illusion, Kurt!
Crowd: Hey-ey, you're gonna get yer fucken jugular eaten! Hey-ey, you're gonna get yer fucken jugular eaten!
SW: Interesting chant…
Styles: Whoa! Kurt just connected with a German suplex on American Panda! I've never seen a panda suplexed before.
SW: Ah, Kurt must've done some good PCP tonight!
Styles: Clothesline! And Kobe just tagged himself in by smacking Kurt's bald head.
SW: Kobe must be exhausted after banging Kay and that wild entrance.
Styles: But Kobe came here from day one looking for championship gold. And he must be taking this match seriously, because he didn't even join us for simultaneous commentary.
SW: Either that, or we're going live to tape in the hopes of not being a week late with this show. Oh, whoops!
SW: You know what.
Styles: Kobe putting the boots to American Panda.
Half Crowd: Let's go Kobe!
Other Half Crowd: American Panda!
Half Crowd: Let's go Kobe!
Other Half Crowd: American Panda!
Half Crowd: Let's go Kobe!
Other Half Crowd: American Panda!
Kurt Angel: Let's go Kurt!
Styles: Get that mic away from Kurt. Kobe drags up American Panda. Can he get him up. OH MY GOD! Body slam by Kobe!
[Hundreds of flashbulbs (and a few lighters) illuminate the stadium for the slam heard 'round the world.]
SW: Now hit the leg drop and eliminate him!
Styles: Kobe's looking for a better move than a lame ass leg drop. Swanton bomb! But that just seemed to fire up American Panda. He's got Kobe backed up into the corner. Santa Claws is here, but he doesn't have toys for Kobe. Kobe manages to get away and tags in The Great. Kurt tags in himself. The Great charges. German suplex! But The Great lands on his feet! Twist of Great! No! Kurt goes to the ankle, Great kicks him off. Great Figure Eight no! Kurt goes for the Angel Lock again! Great kicks him off again! And the crowd gives these two a well-deserved standing ovation for that set of near misses.
SW: You know what I'd give them a standing ovation for? Actually HITTING a move. C'mon, Kurt. You're the only heel I can root on in this one.
Styles: Kobe tags back in, and oh man, we're about to see it for the first time ever. The Great vs. Kobe Gyant. Two of BOB's youngest and brightest stars are set to square off here for the first time. Forearm by Kobe knocks The Great down. Senton! Cover! One! Two! And no! Now Gyant grabs The Great by the throat. Running choke into the turnbuckles with authority! Damn!
SW: The Great's spine, Kobe is trying to dislocate.
Styles: Kobe to the opposite corner. Running slam punch! Ouch!
SW: Bwahaha! He just made the top of The Great's head his own personal basketball net. Except the ball was his fist. And you know Kobe's got big balls.
SW: Bwahaha! Did you see that sign? Kobe Impregatated My Mom! Our fans are such morons. Did any of them graduate from high school?
Styles: At least he can spell better than XXXtreme Machine.
SW: As if that's some kind of accomplishment.
Styles: The Great trying to fight back now with Grapple Punches 02!
Styles: The Great trying to tag in Angel, but Angel just poked him in the eye. Now Kurt tags himself in with Kobe!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Nice.
Styles: Kurt unloading with punches in the corner on The Great now. But a big Back Chop 04 stops him cold! Kurt grabbing at his bright red chest. American Panda just tagged himself in and goes after Kurt. Butt drop by American Panda! Oh my god.
SW: Now American Panda just has to pretend Kurt's the woods.
Styles: Stop with the scat humor! Scatman is dead.
SW: He'll live forever in my heart. Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Scatman!
Styles: Kurt comes back with a clothesline, but AP counters by gnawing on Kurt's arm! Kurt drags American Panda all the way to the ropes to get the break.
SW: Vicky's counting, but I don't think American Panda cares. He's not bound by the laws of man, is he? He's an anti-human anti-hero.
Styles: Now that jezebel Vicky is pulling American Panda off of Kurt, yanking on his fur.
[Vicky falls on her ass.]
Styles: Talk about your referee intimidation! Kurt takes advantage! Roll up! One! No. American Panda easily kicks Kurt off. Running butt bump on Kurt. Kurt charges with another clothesline attempt, but nice counter of trying to claw out Kurt's eyes there.
SW: Nice counter? He's trying to blind Kurt!
Styles: Kurt despereately tags in The Great now. The Great runs right into a nice European uppercut. Spinning back paw! Hold on. Now Kobe and Kurt are back in. TOTAL ELIMINATION! But neither of them are the legal men in the match. The Great and American Panda are both down for the moment. Vicky Jean sure has her hands full in this one.
SW: I sure would love to have my hands full of Vicky. Woohoo!
Styles: Kobe with a moonsault press onto Kurt! American Panda charges at Kobe but eats a shoe. Literally! American Panda is eating Kobe's shoe! Now Kobe takes off his other sneaker and throws it at American Panda.
SW: Man, not a good week for people representing America and shoes. You saw what happened to Bush in Iraq, didn't you?
Styles: I sure did.
SW: Why does Kobe hate America?
Styles: I don't think he does. I just don’t think he appreciates having his brand new sneakers eaten. Suplex 06 by The Great on Angel! American Panda claws at Kurt's face! The Great drags him up! Twist of Great! Cover! One! Two! Three!
NH: Kurt Angel has been eliminated.
Styles: And we're down to three men.
SW: Kurt wasn't even the legal man. This a conspiracy! Which is ironic, because Kurt's part of the group that commits conspiracies. The Skull & Stoned Society, or whatever they're calling themselves.
Styles: And now this becomes a three-way dance. No more tags required.
SW: Not like Vicky was enforcing the rules. She's such a bad girl.
Styles: Kobe stomps on American Panda's paws! Oh man! There's a receipt! Big foot takes down The Great now. Kobe dumps American Panda out of the ring with a superstarkick to the face. Atomic crotch drop on The Great! Hello! Kobe with a baseball dropkick to American Panda, as Kobe tries to keep American Panda out of the ring. Cover on The Great, but only a one count.
SW: Kobe better be careful. One of these times American Panda might just eat his fucken feet!
Styles: Hurricanrana 05 by The Great! Now The Great is setting up Kobe on top.
SW: Crap! Axl's back.
Styles: What? Oh no! He just hit Kobe in the head with a baseball bat!
SW: No fair! That's not Kobe's sport!
Styles: The Great backs away not wanting to be another victim. The Great and Axl yelling at each other. These two do not like each other, and I'm sure The Great doesn't want to be associated at all with him.
SW: It's sure not stopping him from covering Kobe.
Styles: He's what? One! Two! Three! Kobe has just been eliminated by The Great? Are you kidding me? Axl seems pleased.
SW: Well, a shot at THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is on the line. The Great may despise Axl, but he just helped him get one step closer to the win.
Styles: Now The Great is looking for a sweep. The bad news? Now he's dealing with American Panda one on one. American Panda back in the ring. The Great extending a hand to American Panda?
SW: Is he retarded? The Great's gonna have a stump in a couple seconds.
Styles: Nice show of sportsbearship here as American Panda shakes The Great's hand!
Styles: And of course, the fans don't like it. The Great takes down American Panda.
SW: Seeing American Panda flat on the mat like that makes me wish I had a bear skin rug.
Styles: Maybe Santa will bring that to you this year.
SW: He better or I'm so converting to Hindu. After all, they worship an elephant. I work for peanuts. It's a match made in reincarnation.
Styles: American Panda takes a ride to the floor. Rope Flip 02 by the Great! And that move was simply, great. But American Panda is back up and looking for a fight. And this brawl is going into the crowd.
SW: American Panda is bringing attitude back.
Caption: Five minutes later.
Styles: Finally, they're back at ringside. Dropkick 02 by The Great, as he looks to get some momentum back after being brutalized in the crowd. Both competitors get back into the ring now. Grapple Elbow Strike 03 to American Panda. Make that a dozen or so!
SW: American Panda is just being abused here. (Singing) In the arms of an angel…
Styles: Bell clap by American Panda. The Great charges, but American Panda catches him with a back body drop. And now American Panda's looking to end this one with the Drop Bear! The Great avoids it! Flying Forearm Smash 01! American Panda grabs him! The Bear Hug! And American Panda looking to eat The Great's jugular and get the submission victory! The Great fighting him off with all he's got left.
SW: Nibble! Nibble! Nibble!
Styles: And The Great looks like he's out. Vicky Jean lifts The Great's arm!
Styles: Lifts the arm again.
Styles: If The Great's arm drops once more, this match is over! The arm is up! And no! The Great shaking his arm. He nails American Panda with Eye Rake 02! And another! A third finally breaks American Panda's deadly bear hug. Twist of Great! And now both men are down.
SW: Not anymore. They really need to teach that bear how to sell a finisher.
Styles: American Panda doing right after The Great. Claws! He's ripping at The Great repeatedly! Oh my GOD! Vicky Jean's calling for the bell! This one is over!
[The crowd pops!]
SW: What? The Great didn't tap out!
Styles: Vicky Jean may have just saved The Great's life, Scotty!
NH: Here is your winner, and new number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, American Panda!
Styles: What a victory roar by American Panda. The biggest win of his life. The Flunky tosses American Panda some celebratory bamboo.
[American Panda climbs the ropes, salutes the fans with the bamboo, and then begins eating it. He throws that bamboo away, calls for more, and repeats this until he's done it at all four corners of the ring.]
Jerri: The following is a suicide striptease and is scheduled for one death! Introducing the stripper… me!
Styles: This isn’t in the script!
[Jerri walks down to ringside and pulls an assortment of rope, twine, tools and weapons out from under the ring.]
Styles: Well, Jerri is throwing a lot of hardware into the ring. I see rusty nails, an electric drill and even a circular saw. What exactly is she planning to do here?
[Jerri starts dancing in the middle of the ring, rubbing her hands all over her cut and bruised body before removing the bra of her bikini.]
Styles: Oh God no, she’s got a pair of scissors and… oh fuck, she just cut off her right nipple! Can somebody please call 911?!
SW: Don’t stop her! She’s about to go downtown!
Styles: Yeah, but with that electric drill no doubt!
[Suddenly, all the lights go off and the stadium is plunged into darkness.]
Voice-Over: A-ha ha-ha. Undie-diemvey. A-ha ha-ha.
[“Undies” by Limp Bizkit plays as The Flunky throws a cardboard lightning bolt from the rafters and a pimply intern waves a hairdryer about behind some orange cloth.]
Styles: It’s the Undietaker! He’s back in BOB!
SW: I thought he liked people taking their underwear off.
Undietaker: Jerri Li… you pride yourself on the sins you have committed against Brawlers on a Budget. But the lord of DKNYness will not allow you to violate his flock with your putrid contempt any further. I have come for your waistband, Jerri, to make certain that you burn in Hilfiger.
[The Undietaker walks down to the ring and rolls in under the bottom rope. Jerri tries to attack him with the circular saw but he knocks it out of her hands.]
Styles: Wedgie Aided Chokeslam From Hell!
[The Undietaker gets down on one knee and tries to roll his eyes into the back of his head.]
SW: Oh my God! He just stole Jerri Li’s underwear!
Styles: BWAHAHA! She’s hairier than a pack of bears!
Styles: Well, Scotty, are you ready for the BIGGEST main event in the HISTORY of main events in our business?
SW: Huh? Are you channeling Mark Shill again? Or Sin City Icons' owner? Where's the Nic Cage flicks for this stupid cage match? I wanna watch "It Could Happen to You." I LOVE Brigette Fonda! I'd like to fonda her breastisies.
SW: Yeah, that too. Where is it?
Styles: It's going into the special Nicolas Cage with all the other ones, Scotty. How could you even think of watching anything other than this match?
SW: I know how it ends. Plants. ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS on the line. Chokes. Loses. Roll credits. I've seen it before a hundred times. Where's "Windtalkers?"
Styles: Hold on, Scotty, The Flunky just brought me a strip of paper! It says that due to Jason Reso being smoozed by that company up north, the company down south just dumped a bunch of his now unsellable merchandise! Making this now a Nicolas/Christian Cage Match!
SW: Ooooooh, how much damage can you do with a foam finger? And since when does paper talk? HEY! Is that "Guarding Tess?" Flunky! Gimme that!
Styles: While The Flunky continues to put the cage together, and Scotty continues to be, well, Scotty. Let's bring you up to date on the Steve Studnuts and SMP feud to this point.
SW: WHAT?! We don't have that kind of time!
Styles: Scotty, it's important for hype purposes.
SW: If the two fans we have are watching this, then we've already hyped it enough for them to buy it. Let's just get it over with! Get them out here and let's get this over with!
Styles: Didn't know you were such a Glen Davis, ya big baby. Why don't you get up there and help Flunky put the cage together then if you're in such a hurry?
SW: I'm allergic to manual labor. Do I look Mexican to you? Besides, I have a hot date with Vicky Jean after the show.
Styles: Taking advantage of the new hires again? You'd only have a date with her if she's blind and doesn't really know you yet.
SW: Works for me! Is she blind? I could put some brail on my wiener.
Styles: SCOTTY! You don't have a date with her! Knock it off!
SW: Oh, I plan to knock some off. I'm gonna knock a big piece of that! WHOO HOO!
Styles: Mercifully, it's appears The Flunky has put the finishing touches on the cage. And here comes the special ring announcer because Nurse Heidi will be acting as the guest referee for this showdown. It's the new master of reality shows, since he's been on just about every one of them this past year or so, you know him as "Screech" of "Saved by the Bell" fame…. it's DUSTIN DIAMOND!
SW: I LOVED this guy on that fat people show "Celebrity Fit Club"! And he got robbed on Celebrity Championship Wrestling, one more reason to make me hate Hulk Hogan! Dennis Rodman? What the fuck was that? Hey, do you think Dustin has Tiffany Amber Thiessen's phone number? Or that chick that showed her boobies in "Showgirls"? Hell, I'll even settle for Lisa Turtle's digits!
[Dustin Diamond hobbles to the ring as the theme from "Saved by the Bell" plays, and in case you've forgotten how annoying this song is…click that link and suffer.]
Styles: Nobody is more suited for Brawlers on a Budget than this guy. What a fall from grace!
SW: I LOVE YOU, MAN! WASSUP! WAAAAASSSSUP!
[A man crawls out of the crowd, seemingly a "professional wrestler" because he has "Rich Professional Wrestler Bryan Deas" written on his shirt. Rumor has it he's extremely bothered by the use of the word "Wassup", and attacks Scotty Whatbody. Scotty kicks his ass without much effort.]
Styles: Nicely handled, buddy.
SW: No problem.
Dustin Diamond: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the MAIN EVENT! Introducing first, the special guest referee, NURSE HEIDI!
[Nice pop as Heidi begins walking toward the ring, NICER pop after it's seen what she's wearing. A black micro mini skirt, referee shirt tied at the midriff, and knee high black leather boots. This music accompanies her, with Sin City crowd reaction to boot!]
[After several minutes of listening to the tunes and watching Heidi make her way into the cage, Scotty turns to Styles.]
SW: BWAA HAA HAAA! I told you Plants was going to lose!
Styles: Not so fast, Plants' had that surgically attached mega-wang after Dr. Thrilla severed his johnson at "The Gathering", I think this means you never have a chance with her, Scotty.
SW: What? I'm in Iron Sheik territory, Styles! At least 10 inches, baby!
Styles: Adding 6 with imagination, maybe. Hey, isn't that Vicky Jean's outfit Heidi has on?
SW: You mean Vicky Jean is around here somewhere NAKED? Vicky Jean… is MY lov-er, she's just a girl that claims that… I – AM - the one… her kid is - prolly my son. HEE HEE!
Styles: Stop it, Scotty. Next thing you'll be out here offering little boys tainted Pepsi.
SW: Yeah, whatever! HEY! Look at the Christian shirt: "My Gimmick Brother is a Fag!" I sooo gotta have that!
Dustin Diamond: And now, the CHALLENGER. From Naples, Florida by way of Naples, Italy. He likes Naples. And Nipples. He's the Sinister Surgeon™, the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today©, and The Smooth Operator®, he's the Swiss Army Belt Champion and ½ of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag-Team Champions…. DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
[Sade's one-hit plays, (No, not "Sweetest Taboo") as SMP saunters to the ring to a Legend Pop®. He's wearing his black leather physician's overcoat with "Suck My Scalpel" on the back. His face is a mask of grim determination, in a Henry Rollins in a "Wrong Turn 2" sort of way.]
Styles: This could be the last time we see SMP in BOB, he's put his career on the line in this one! If he can't win the OWTTM here tonight, he has to RETIRE!
SW: AND! He has to film Steve busting his Studnuts in Heidi in "Heidi's Anatomy 2, The Hunt for Red All Over." It's a menstrual story.
Styles: Scotty, you're completely gross!
SW: Hey, I just read it as it's written.
Dustin Diamond: And now, the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! He's also ½ of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag-Team Champions, from The Valley of the Sun, Phoenix, Arizona, weighing is at two hundred and * ahem * SIXTY NINE pounds…. This… is…. The man. You can't be him, but you want to be….STEVE STUDNUTS!
["Dead Between the Walls" by Pelican plays as Steve Studnuts begins walking to the ring, his pace quickens to a jog as he drops the tag belt, he's running as he drops the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and slides into the cage through the open door. The Flunky hurriedly padlocks the door as Steve jumps up and stands nose-to-nose with SMP. Dustin Diamond disappears back into obscurity, at least until "Saved by the Bell, The Rest Home Years" goes into production.]
Styles: Here we go! The tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife!
SW: The fence is covered with Nicolas Cage movies and Christian Cage souvenirs, and all can be *yawn* used as weapons. Oh, the carnage! Pffft.
Styles: Plants and Steve just staring at each other. A modest "S-M-P" chant has begun, quickly drowned out by a "STUD-NUTS" chant. It's like The Rock and Hollywood Hogan stare down at WrestleMania 18!
SW: Oh please. It is not! I hope Steve just grabs "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" and knocks Plants out so I can get to key gripping "Heidi's Anatomy 2."
Styles: I bet you'll be gripping your key…
SW: If by ‘key' you mean my gigantic schlong! Then you're right! WHOO HOO!
Styles: The crowd is so loud, very uncharacteristic for a BOB match, but it silenced the bell. It's sounded! Plants and Steve continuing the stare down.
SW: These people clearly divided, but I can't understand why they aren't cheering for Studnuts. Don't they want to see Heidi getting boned? What's wrong with these people?
Styles: The S-M-P chant decibels louder now, they want the underdog! The Doc and Studnuts just standing there, looking side to side at the crowd, it's the greatest stare down ever!
SW: Calm down, Shill. Now the STUD-NUTS chant is more audible, baby! These people want to see Heidi riding the bologna pony! I know I do!
Styles: Hold on, Steve is talking to Plants… reading his lips, he just said, "I'm going to F you up on the outside, then I'm going to F Heidi up on the inside!" Tough words there! Plants responded, "Why don't you go F yourself!?" And right hand! Right hand! Right Hand! SMP unloading on the champ! Backs him into the ropes, the whip, reversed! Plants ducks a Studnuts clotheline! Off the far side ropes, caught in a spine buster by Studnuts! The Cover! Heidi right there! ONE! TWO! HEGOTHIM!
SW: NO! Heidi is saying "two only"! That was almost the quickest match ever.
Styles: Anti-climatic, just like you in bed, Scotty.
SW: Why does everything revolve around my climax? I fixed that problem with pre-cleaning the pipes before I go out.
Styles: Studnuts picks Plants up and throws him viciously into the cage, DVD cartridges fall all over the ring.
SW: Steve picks up "Rumble Fish" and throws it into the crowd, not surprisingly, nobody bothers to pick it up and keep it. Uh oh, he has "Bangkok Dangerous" on Blu Ray Disc! Plants' gonna bleed early, those Blu Ray things are sharp! You know Styles, it's also dangerous when I bang my kok. Just ask Va-Jay-Jay Dillion!
Styles: I'll be sure to do that…
SW: And Steve stabs SMP with "Bangkok Dangerous"! He's gonna bleed, nothing is sharper than Blu Ray discs!
Styles: Only the image is sharper, stupid! Not the actual disc. SMP is up as Steve removes the DVD from the package and WHAM! He nailed him with it! Steve now gouging SMP with the DVD, and dammit, Plants immediately goes into Approved Blading Position™.
SW: I told you, Styles! Don't EVER question me again, bitch!
Styles: Yeah, yeah. SMP has been lacerated. Steve scoops him up…bodyslam! Studnuts now stands over SMP and moves his hand over his own face!
Studnuts: SMP, you CAN'T BE ME. But I KNOW, YOU WISH, YOU COULD BE!
SW: WHOO HOO! "Fuck Knuckle Shuffle" coming up! And early! This one is over! Steve bounces off the ropes, simulates that he jerks off on Plants, and here it comes!
Styles: HE MISSED IT! Plants leaps to his feet after Steve missed the fist-drop! And this crowd is on its feet! Steve is up and catches a chop!
Styles: Toe kick and a snap DDT by the Sinister Surgeon! He's up, removes his elbow pad as the crowd goes monkey! It's The Physician's Elbow!
Styles: Plants running criss-cross in the ring, stops over Steve…. and MISSES as Studnuts rolls away! Both men blowing their wads in the opening minutes, just like you, Scotty.
SW: Again, stop with the premature ejaculation comments about me. I think you have a fetish with my joy juice!
Styles: You wish!
SW: NO! I'm not gay! Do you see Axl Van Halen sitting beside you?
Styles: Steve has an "It's Like This" Christian t-shirt and chokes SMP with it! Now he grabs an "Instant Classic" bumper sticker and applies it to SMP's forehead. OOOOOH! He then ripped it back off unleashing a cascade of crimson from the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today! OOOOH! Studnuts brains SMP with a Limited Edition of "Moonstruck"!
SW: Limited Edition?
Styles: Yep, it has a deleted scene in the special features where Cher can actually act.
SW: Oh. They didn't want to add it to clash with all her other scenes?
Styles: Precisely! Now he has "Raising Arizona"…
SW: That's appropriate!
Styles: ….and "Valley Girl", one in each hand. DVD Con-Chair-Toe!
SW: I was wondering how you were going to ummm, "say" that. Hooked on Phonics, much? And it looks like Steve would have used two copies of "Con Air" for that bit. "Con Air Toe!" Damn, I'm so fucking smart I scare myself sometimes.
Styles: The ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS with a discus throw of "National Treasure" that almost takes SMP's eye out!
SW: Brutal. * yawn *
Styles: Steve looking around the ring, he picks up "Wild At Heart" and smashes SMP over the head with it. The cover. One. Two. And SMP gets a shoulder up. The crowd picks up the S-M-P chant again…
SW: Steve now has "Peggy Sue Got Married" and holds it high over his head…. SMP with a shot to the gut. He's fighting back. Grabs "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and clobbers Studnuts with it!
Styles: What? Nic Cage wasn't in that movie.
SW: Yeah he was, again…. we're educational here. He was in the movie as Nicolas Coppola. See, you learned something.
Styles: Plants whips Steve into the ropes…. BIG backdrop. Looking at the cage again. He takes down "Leaving Las Vegas", "The Wicker Man", and "The Cotton Club" and stacks them on Steve's face. LEGDROP! Oh, the humanity!
SW: SMP now has "Bringing out the Dead", "World Trade Center", and "Kiss of Death" and stacks them up in the ring. Probably bad choices with that whole 9/11 thing. Picks Steve up, DVD on the DVDs! He's trying to beat him with his own finisher!
Styles: Nope. He doesn't even try for a pin! SMP picks Steve up and points towards the cage. The fans respond. Plants throws Steve face first into the cage! Points to another wall, there goes Studnuts again! Into a third wall! SMP picks Steve up… there he goes into the fourth side of the fence! Steve staggers around the ring briefly and collapses. The tide is turning!
SW: I'm surprised we actually had four walls to be honest.
Styles: S-M-P chants again! Steve appears to be cut, but I can't tell.
SW: He wasn't in position long enough, if he's got color it was hard way.
Styles: Plants now over to pick Studnuts off the mat… OOOOH! Uppercut by Studnuts rocks the challenger. SMP retaliates with an overhand right. Studs with a chop, Plants with a chop! Studnuts with a hard right hand that brushes SMP back into the ropes…. he's off the ropes with a HUGE forearm smash! Knee to the gut cuts off The Sinister Surgeon! Steve tosses SMP face first into the cage. He's now grinding SMP's face into taco meat, running it back and forth across the fence like a paint brush!
SW: Side to side, just like Mr. Miagi taught him!
Styles: Umm, yeah. Studs scoops him up, sidewalk slam! The champ up and drops and elbow! Another! Look! He has a Christian Cage loofah! And he's exfoliating Plants' bleeding forehead!
SW: Awww, he's helping him get rid of his dead skin. How nice. It'd be easier to just cut Plants' head off and be done with it. Everything from the neck up will be dead before this one is over!
Styles: Steve picks up SMP, who can barely stand. Whips him into the ropes and sets him for a closthesline, SMP ducks! SLEEPER! The Smooth Operator has Steve in the old school Weaver Lock! He's going to put the champ to sleep!
SW: He should make Steve watch "Ant Bully", that's an unavoidable nap time and would be much quicker than a sleeper hold!
Styles: Studs with an elbow to SMP's breadbasket to loosen his grip, slips beside him, belly to back suplex saves the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
SW: Plants sucks. He should have jumped up on his back and wrapped his legs around him.
Styles: That would leave him open to Steve backing him hard into the turnbuckle.
SW: He still got out of it either way…. Hey look, Steve now with a latex Christian Halloween mask. I bet it's the same kind Axl makes Viruz wear when Viruz gives him a blow job!
Styles: If you say so, Scotty. Steve looks at the mask and drops it, not much of a weapon, I guess. But THAT is! Steve has a, is that a vibrating dildo?
SW: Sure is! The Reso Horny! He love you long time! Well, if you have really good batteries or an AC adapter.
Styles: That's really disgusting! Studnuts smacks SMP up-side the head with it! Hold on, Nurse Heidi is taking it away! Apparently, the only weapon she won't allow in this match.
SW: Hell, she just wants to keep it for herself!
Styles: You may be on to something there…
SW: Studnuts has Plants up… F5! Back to his feet, stomping on the challenger like an ember that left its fire pit. I think SMP is ready to tap out, if he had enough energy to lift his arm.
Styles: S-M-P chants starting again, the smart marks sensing that Plants has taken his beating long enough and it's time for his comeback.
SW: Not yet, Steve is dragging SMP to the corner. He places him on the ropes and is now climbing up there with him, could it be a Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver off the top rope? Or cage? This could be it!
Styles: Steve trying to hook him for it, SMP gives him a shot to the ribs! Another! He slams Steve into the top of cage! Again! Again! Steve is wobbly now…. falls and CROTCHES himself on the top rope strand!
SW: What?! They did that same spot way back at Sunday Bloody Sunday! Come up with something new for crying out loud!
Styles: SMP now looking for something, he has "Time to Kill" in his hands and high above his head, symbolic here! Coming off the top rope with a loaded double axe handle, what a thick case, it must be a two-disc set!
Styles: Studnuts drops like a redwood! Caught right on top of his head! The cover! ONE! TWO! THR! NO! Steve barely gets his shoulder up! That was close! Heidi looked a little hesitant coming down with that third count. Could she be biased in this one?
SW: That DVD should have been in that other stack in the ring, don't you think? You know, the one where SMP DVDed Steve on the DVDs?
Styles: Shut up, Scotty!
SW: SMP is standing in the middle of the ring looking around. He gives the cut throat sign and gathers up "Gone in 60 Seconds", "Lucky Break" and "Ghost Rider"… stacks them in the ring. Picks up the champ, trying to hook him for the Nipple Cutter! No! Steve pushes Plants into the ropes and knocks his block off with a high, Harley Race knee to the chin!
Styles: Plants is a bloody mess, and Steve is about to make it worse as he's carving SMP up even more with a Captain Charisma action figure! Steve has a trickle of blood from SMP's earlier attack, The Doc now bleeding enough for the both of them!
SW: SMP can't go much more, this hasn't been a long match but he's losing a lot of blood! What we like to call on the inside "getting a little giddy with the blade", huh?
Styles: Steve has SMP up…NIPPLE CUTTER BY PLANTS! OUT OF NOWHERE! The cover! ONE! TWO! THREE!? NO! Again Steve is up, no-selling the Nipple Cutter and arguing with Heidi about a fast count!
SW: He grabs Nurse Heidi! WHOO HOO! I hope her tits pop out!
Styles: Scotty, you're despicable! What a minute! Steve has Heidi locked for the Jerkweed Death Drop! His powerbomb! He has her up! Wait…. He holds her there. Still holding her there. Steve's head is under Heidi's skirt!
SW: I knew it! Heidi's gone commando! Steve's giving her a non-verbal tongue lashing for sure!
Styles: JERKWEED DEATH DROP! After an *ahem* brief pause. The referee is down! Steve turns around, SMP is up! Kick to the gut! Plants locks him! The Scalpel's Edge!
SW: Plants, dumbly with the cover. Nobody here to count it.
SW: WAIT A MINUTE! THE GENERIC REF IS HEADING TO THE RING!
Styles: He can't count it, he was fired! And then his plane went down somewhere earlier tonight!
Caption: PLOT HOLE 743 OF 1438018 FOUND!
Generic Ref: I'LL ALLOW IT™!
Styles: The Flunky opens the cage and Generic is in… ONE! TWO! NO! Studs kicks out!
SW: SMP staggering over to Studnuts, he has a copy of "Zandalee" in his hand. What? What the fuck is "Zandalee"? Studs scoops SMP up! DEATH VALLEY (of the Sun) DRIVER! SMP wasn't paying attention, probably wondering what the hell "Zandalee" was as well. The champ covers him!
Styles: ONE! TWO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? NO! Plants kicked out! Studs is furious! He grabs the Generic Ref and rams him face first into the steel cage!
SW: Goodbye, Generic Ref!
Styles: Both men exhausted here! Studnuts with a hammer like European uppercut to Plant's jaw. Whips him into the ropes, sets up for a backdrop… PLANTS HOOKS HIM! MED DEGREE! MED DEGREE! MED DEGREE!
SW: Both men are down, both refs are down. I'm down with OPP. Yeah, you know me. Where's Vicky Jean?
Styles: SMP crawling over to Studnuts, drapes an arm over him. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Still no referee. Six. Seven.
SW: Not good for Plants. Babyface long cover without a ref equals certain defeat.
Styles: Here comes Vicky Jean!
SW: Is she naked?!
Styles: No Scotty, but that skin tight jogging bra and biker shorts works wonderfully.
SW: Flunky lets her in the cage, she's down for the count!
Crowd: ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! THR! AWWWWWWW!
Styles: Studnuts kicks out!
SW: Look at Heidi! Her skirt has slid up! She ISN'T wearing panties!
Styles: Scotty, how could you think of that right now? Hey! I think you're right! WHOO HOO!
SW: HEY FAGGOT! Quit stealing my WHOO HOO!
Styles: Focus, Scotty! Studs manages to pick up Plants again, ANOTHER Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver but SMP's legs struck Vicky Jean! She's now down!
SW: Look at Heidi! The rug doesn't match the drapes, know what I mean?
Styles: Is that all you can think…
[The lights go out.]
Styles' voice: Hey! Something going on here! We have no lights, Studnuts can pin SMP if he can get to him and one of three referees wake up.
[There's a "door knocking" sound in the ring.]
[The lights come back on.]
Studnuts: Gatdamn it Plants, you forgot to unlock the fuckin' trap.
Styles: Ummmm. Whoops?
[The lights go out again. The sound of Scotty spitting in his palm is heard, followed by a zipper noise and "dropping trou" whoosh.]
Styles' voice: Scotty! Pull your pants back up!
Scotty's voice: But Heidi, her bush. I saw it.
[The lights come back on. Steve and SMP and everybody else are still laying in the ring.]
[Steve waves his hand and the lights go out again.]
Styles' voice: Umm. Yeah.
SW's voice: Can you say, "blown finish?"
Styles' voice: I can think of a lot of things to say right now….
[The lights come back on. Steve and SMP are diligently working together on opening a door near a corner.]
Studnuts: Not yet, fuck wads!
[The lights go back out. Again.]
Styles' voice: Good grief…
[Several minutes pass. The lights come back on.]
Styles: It's Trey Vincent! TREY VINCENT IS IN THE RING! How'd he get…. never mind.
SW: Trey picks up Steve! COMING DOWN! Trey hit his former friend with his finisher! He pulls Heidi over to SMP and Studs after he drags The Doc over Steve! Heidi begins counting!
Crowd: ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
[The lights go out, the sound of Trey trying to open a door is heard. Severe beating on a door is heard. The lights come back on.]
TV: Fuck it! Open the cage door, Flunky.
Styles: Trey is leaving the ring, SMP has done it!
SW: The apocalypse is upon us!
Dustin Diamond: Ladies and Gentlemen, the WINNER! And NEW! ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! SWISS ARMY CHAMPION! TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS! DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
Styles: Incredible! And what does this mean for Studnuts and Vincent? The iAd fallen apart? MEGABRAWL III?
SW: Who cares! I was cheated out of Nurse Heidi in another porno!
Styles: Look, SMP has the mic!
SMP: Let me say this, I don't care how I won it. I won it. And this is the ONLY title that makes you number one. Many guys in the business wish they could have been there one time. I've been there…. well, one time. Ummm. Yeah. Anyway, from the Hogans, the Savages, the Pipers, and everybody else, you must now pay homage to THE MAN!
Styles: SMP with a poorly done Ric Flair impersonation as blood covers his face…
SMP: I will now become the most obnoxious, over bearing asshole in the world. I'm the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!
Styles: Another Flair reference, after he beat Ronnie Garvin. SMP trying to get his heat back with this impromptu heel turn, but he forgot he's in Sin City!
SW: And in Sin City, SIN…IS….IN, baby! Where's Vicky Jean? Is she still out cold? Maybe I can get a quickie in before she wakes up! WHOO HOO! And get it in before the world comes to a fiery, catastrophic demise because Plants finally won that goddamn title. Vicky Jean! I'm * ahem * CUMMING for ya!
Styles: There's a mental image I could do without….
SMP: I am the greatest professional wrestler in the history of world history. But I don't need every belt to prove this. At the start of 2009, I am dropping the tag-team titles and Swiss Army belt for tournaments to decide new champions. I am THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, and that's all that matters. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
Styles: Nurse Heidi is leaving with Dr. Plants! Steve is left in the ring bewildered. What a match!
SW: Did SMP at least get the codes off the titles so I can get into his safe and watch "Heidi's Anatomy"? What a moron!
Styles: He doesn't care about that right now, Scotty. He just won a title he's been chasing for almost ten years!
SW: So? What's more important than Heidi getting doggy styled, Styles?
Styles: I don't know, Scotty. I just don't know…Fans, it's been a historic night. From Sin City, this is Styles for Scotty Whatbody saying, good night everybody! Happy New Year! We'll see you back on G5 TV in January! Now let's enjoy all the highlights from tonight's event!
SW: Screw that. Make them order it again.
Styles: Oh, right!
[Fade to black.]
©2008 BOB Wrestling!