Don't have sex, the virgin always survives!
(Camp Crystal Lake, where camp counselors go to die… or where BOB goes because there wasn't the need for a building fee. Zoom in on a ring located outdoors, near the lifeguard tower, overlooking the lake where Jason Vorhees' mother lost her head in the original. Scotty Whatbody is at ringside along with a hulking man in bloodstained, olive green cover-alls and wearing a hockey mask. No, it's not Curtis Joseph. Or Patrick Roy, either.)
SW: GOOD EVENING FANS OF BOB! And welcome to The "Not As Good As Monday" Thursday Night Show! NUMBER 13! You know what that means? It's a special one for me because I'm a big-time horror movie mark! We're live from Camp Crystal Lake, the mythical slaughterhouse of the Friday the 13th flicks! Well, up until about Part 5 when they went to the retarded kid camp…you know, when that fat, retarded kid got chopped up while eating a candy bar by the psycho biker guy that was supposed to be cutting firewood and then the fat kid's Dad was a paramedic and saw his kid chopped up and snapped and so he became the killer and busted out the Jason whoopin' stick! * whew * That was a mouthful…
Jason: CHEE CHEE CHEE AHH AHH AHH…
SW: Ah, yes. Since Nurse Heidi is still M.I.A., I've been joined this week by a special guest, JASON VORHEES HIMSELF!
Jason: Duh. Yur. Chee chee chee ahh ahh ahh…
SW: Okay, so it isn't REALLY Jason Vorhees. But…you should have seen what he was asking to be here! And I thought Billy Polar's contract was bloated!
Jason: Duh. Chee.
SW: R-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght. I see I'm going to get a lot of input out of you tonight. But what else is new? Well, we have zero fans here and four matches…again, what else is new? Too bad we can't have Neige Thirteen getting throttled to death every night!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! Ummm, I mean Scotty and Jason. This first match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Suicida, Mexico. At 5' 8" and weighing in at 198 pounds, he's the zaniest thing to come from South of the Border since those neato jumping beans and/or Cinnamon Twist™….INSANO MANO!
Jason: Duh…insane hands? Yur. Chee chee chee.
SW: Oh, brother…
MA: And his opponent, the Teddy Bear's Terror™, The Stuffed Animal Assassin®, from his bedroom at his Mother's house, he claims to be the "Not Big Enough For The Big Boys" Champion, not recognized by BOB, however…this is….MICHAEL MACINTOSH!
(Eddie B. plays CD random "Shoop" by Salt N Pepa as Macintosh walks to the ring dragging a stuffed likeness of Insano Mano behind him. He throws the lifeless luchador into the ring and pounces on it as the bell sounds)
Jason: Chee chee chee yur yur yur. Heh.
SW: Okay…it appears Macintosh has brought a…ummmm. a stand in. Macintosh with a bodyslam on Insano Mano. Mano just lies there. Macintosh off the ropes…BIG elbow drop! Telegraphed and everything…Mano still *ahem * couldn't roll away. Good Lord, I can't believe I'm calling this match.
Jason: Duh, Figure Four-ahh ahh ahh.
(Scotty gives his announce partner the "evil eye.")
SW: Have I pissed off somebody in the front office? Well, it doesn't look like Insano is gonna tap out to this Figure Four…Mac is up and putting a Garvin Stomp like thing on Mano. Mano is unconscious. Yeah. Somebody stop the carnage, somebody stop this raging madman Michael Macintosh. * yawn * Somebody….anybody…. *sigh * This….is….brutal. (checks watch)
Jason: Somebody come to ring.
SW: THANK GOD! I mean….OH NO! IT'S THE FLASKMASTER! Why, oh why is he doing this? (checks format) Okay, I see Mike Macintosh has been added to the Kent State Krew to even the sides at PAY PER VIEW when they take on The Dungeon Of Dumb, before that match was deleted after MMM 15's results. Stupid pre-taped shows, does this sound dubbed in later? I drank some tea, my voice may be clearer than a few seconds ago. I'm guessing Flaskmaster had to necessitate Mike being added to the match and hype the thing by GIVING HIM A REASON TO WANT IN! Disregard that last statement, do I still sound dubbed in? Then again, I could be wrong. But I doubt it. And why am I talking to myself? Jason? A little help here?
SW: Better yet, why don't you just sit there and say nothing? Flaskmaster's in the ring as Macintosh pins Insano Stuffo Animo. One! Two! Three! AND CRACK! Generic Ref heading for safety on the outside as Flaskmaster attacks Macintosh! Flaskmaster has The Golden Spoke! HERE COMES BRANDON! HERE COMES BRANDON! THIS PLACE IS GOING…well, nevermind.
(Brandon rushes to the ring as crickets announce the arrival of summer nights)
SW: Flaskmaster's doing a number on Macintosh! The rookie's in perfect blade position… look at the blood! Brandon has a chair because there's plenty to choose from. OOOOOH! He nailed The Flaskmaster right between those cheesy looking lightning bolts on his forehead! Pounding away now with clenched fist… Brandon looking to get some revenge for Flasky turning him into ground round at the last NAGAM! Macintosh is back up …they're both tearing into The Flaskmaster! Oh yeah, here comes the calvary!
Jason: Duh duh DA DA duh DA! Chee chee chee CHARGE! Duh.
SW: Would you…please…. SHUT UP?! It's Massawa! It's Sauerkraut! And The Witch Doctor! But no Sasquatch. Supposedly he's still trapped in a horse turd as of this taping and Viet Kong isn't here to replace him like he did last NAGAM. * winks * They're in the ring! Sauerkraut and Massawa are punking Macintosh like a little bitch, both hammering away as Mike slumps to his knees and tries to cover up! Witch Doctor is grinding that tooth he carries around into Brandon's forehead! Flaskmaster has recovered and now joins his "father", both beating Brandon into a crumpled piece of goo! HERE COMES JOSH AND JIM! The sides are even! Hooray…..* yawn * I hate my job.
Jason: Att att att ahh ahh ahh!
SW: Calm down, Gordon Solhees. Flaskmaster takes a swing at Josh with that spoke as Josh slid in the ring, Josh ducked under….dropkick to Flasky's back sends him through the ropes! Jim chases Massawa out with yet another chair. Sauerkraut is rolling out! There goes The Witch Doctor as Josh sends him sloppily over the top rope. Kent State Krew has kleared the ring! The Dungeon of Dumb on the outside hand gesturing threats! Jim is mugging on the turnbuckles for the crowd. What a dummy. Oh well, practice makes perfect.
Jason: This match has been declared a NO CONTEST!
SW: Whew, pandemonium in that one. I can't wait to see them settle things at PAY PER VIEW!
GBH: Duh, me thought card got changed. Kent State no longer wrestle Dungeon.
SW: Oh well, that's what happens when a card gets typed before the other one comes out. And how'd you now the card got changed? You're just an axe-wielding murderer of fine babes during the slasher film frenzy of the 1980's!
(((not so subliminal message))) FANS! ORDER PAY PER VIEW ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW!
SW: Was that it? Okay then…let's go to our next match. Take it away Masked Announcer!
MA: Match for something. I forget. Introducing first….DA SASSY BITCH!
(Eddie B. does a fine job mixing "I'm A Bitch" by Meredith Brooks and "Pretty in Pink" by The Psychedelic Furs. Too bad everybody missed it. Sassy struts to the ring in his pink trunks and pink boots. I'd imagine if anybody were here, they'd boo. Because a man in a manly sport such as professional wrestling wearing pink, unless he's Brett Hart…just doesn't look cool. Not even Kwee Wee. Or Jim Neidhart, who looked like a gay power lifter to me.)
MA: And his opponent, from Charleston, West Virgin-I-A. Weighing about five Sassy Bitches. A legendary STWFer, beer drinker, and could eat the 72 oz. steak in one hour and it's free ANYWHERE in the country. THIS IS BOHEMOTH!
(Eddie B. conjures up some scratch-e-poo for Bo. Yeah, it was that stupid Greig song again, but way cooler this time because Eddie "broke outs wit some shit an' tore that muddah up wit sum tight butta." Yes, that was a direct quote from Eddie himself. The Big Bo slumbers to the ring as a passenger jet passes overhead. You can even hear it.)
SW: Boy, this show is really living up to its name this week. And going by fast…that happens when you pretty much commentate the entire program by yourself. Isn't that right, * ahem* Jason?
(Cut to "Jason" who's sharpening a machete.)
SW: And there's the bell! Nice job by The Flunkie from the lifeguard tower.
(Scotty glances again at his announce partner, who is now wiping either blood or some convincing looking food colored syrup off a hatchet)
SW: And…. I'm still flying solo. Sassy and Bo lock up, and that lasted about as long as the Rios/Lita relationship as The Big Bo sends DSB rolling across the ring after a powerful brush off. This reminds me of Dennis and Peppy from last NAGAM… the gargantuan miner dwarfs Sassy B! Jason, any insights on this match?
SW: Yeah, I didn't think so, but I needed a font break. Sassy now trying to figure a way to combat this fat coalminer's huge size advantage. Grabs a leg, Bo kicks him aside with a slight shrug of that tree trunk thigh of his. Sassy rolls to the floor to regroup, scratches his head, and rolls back in. Bo just stands there, he's not intimidated at all. And why would he be?
(in a higher pitched voice, kind of like a bad Mr. Socko impersonation, or a good Mr. Jocko impersonation): I don't know, Scotty. Why?
SW: Because he has faced The Tiger! He's face Luke Warm! He's a former STWF I.G. Champion, he's used to the big time. He's even dated Der Kommisaar's sister! Talk about pressure! Oh, by the way…I've been joined by, uh-rah…ummmm. My first cousin, Scootie Whatbootie! Yeah. Clive, keep the camera on the ring, will ya?
Clive: [with a sense of concern in his voice] Oooooooookay. What…ever you say, hoss.
SW: Sassy's back in…OOOOOH! Low blow shot right there! That'll slow ANYBODY down! The don't make weight machines to build that area up!
Scootie: Bo just went to soprano city! Look at his face, he's a Big Pussy!
Scotty: They killed that character off. Keep updated, Scootie.
Scootie: What "character?"
Scotty: Right. Bo is down, Sassy with the pin! One! Power kick out sends DSB over the Generic Ref! Bo struggles to his feet… Sassy's back up, charging in. Shoulder block and Sassy drops like a rock! He's up again, off the ropes for another try! DSB ducks a wild Bohemoth clothesline and off the other side now. Bo with a military press!
Scootie: And drops him like a bad habit!
Jason: Duh. You okay, Scotty?
Scotty: Bo's going for The Smasher! Heading towards the turnbuckle, he starts to lumber his big ol' ass up to the top. Sassy struggles to his feet, unbalanced due to the beating he's received thus far… falls against the ropes and Bo straddles the top strand! Funny how that ALWAYS happens when a guy falls against the ropes…
Scootie: Funny, but effective! Sassy has a chance to get his second wind. Bo's slumped in the corner, Sassy's motioning to this non-sellout crowd. Bronco Buster coming up!
Scotty: Oh no, I'd hate to be on the business end of THAT! AND THERE IT IS! What a humiliating situation for Bohemoth… there's no telling where Sassy's crotch has been!
DSB: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?!
Scootie: Is he talking to me?
DSB: YEAH! I'M TALKING TO YOU! What did you mean by that crotch remark?!
Scotty: What do you think, Peter Pan? You're a fairy! You're fruitier than a box of Froot Loops! You're queer as a three dollar bill! YOU ARE…
DSB: I'M NOT GAY!
Scotty: Yeah, neither is Elton John. Or that R.E.M. guy.
Scootie: HA! Another reference to Michael Stipe coming out of the closet!
Scotty: Well, that WAS pretty * ahem * Earth shattering news, ya know. Gotta milk it for all it's worth. Bohemoth now taking advantage of Sassy being distracted. H-U-G-E clothesline to the back of Sassy's neck sends him through the ropes and out on the grass. Here comes Bo after him!
Jason: Duuuuuh. Chee chee? Scotty, you actin' strange.
Scotty: Look at Bo! He's beating Sassy all the way down to the man-made beachfront! He's putting him in a canoe! He just pushed him out into the middle of Crystal Lake! Generic Ref's calling for the bell, he didn't even bother to count to ten. Partly because he has difficulty…
MA: This match has been declared a DOUBLE COUNTOUT!
Scotty: Well, isn't this interesting? Sassy didn't win, but he didn't lose, either. Does he get a title shot at PAY PER VIEW? Or does he finally admit he's eating the pelvic kielbasa sandwich with LOTS of mayo? Maybe Commissioner Polar can clear that up in the Rant Zone! Your thoughts, Scootie?
Scootie: Give 'em the shot, I say. It's bad enough he's gay…but he doesn't have to be a loser too.
(Barely audible from somewhere on the lake…in pitch black darkness) I'm not gay!
Scotty: Sure! And neither is George Michael!
Jason: Yur…he's gay? Damn, just when you think you know a guy. I mean…uh, chee chee. chee…
Scotty: Would you STOP THAT?!
Jason: Mon chee chee, mon cheechee…oh so soft and cudd-le-y…(dead air as "Jason's" mic is cut off)
MA: This is your main event, Scotty! First, from Greensboro and Brown Summit, North Carolina…Garry "the Gurney" Greene, "Backboard" Barry Brown…THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS!
(The theme from "ER" plays as the scrub-clad, wrestling medics enter the ring to an overwhelming silence. The Flunkie rappels down the tower and hands Masked Announcer a sheet of paper.)
MA: I have JUST (looks around nervously) been informed that Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is in Hollywood looking for Camp Crystal Lake. Apparently he didn't know the series was filmed on location. Necro Phil found the hide-a-way where Jason stuffed his victims…and is currently indulging himself and living up to his moniker…anyway, neither of them will be here tonight. Not that it matters since I'm basically talking to small woodland creatures and Scotty Whatbody.
Scooty: HEY! What about me?!
MA: Introducing, their opponents! From Seattle, Washington, the NHL, most recently from the blockbuster movie "Pearl Necklace Harbor" and Compton, Ca…. here are, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST, JEAN BANNISTER, SIR HUNGALOT, AND DOUJA!
(Eddie B. works his turn table magic and whips up a house mix of Nine Inch Nail's "Closer", Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2", The Red Hot Chili Pepper's version of "Love Roller Coaster", and "How High" by Method Man and Redman. The Three Guys enter the ring a good 15 paces in front of douja, who is busy trying to light a blunt and fighting the slight breeze off the lake.)
MA: Alright, you guys…this memo also say that one of The Three Guys or douja has to team with The Ambulance Jockeys to even out the teams. Any volunteers?
Jean: WHAT? We can't be on their side, we're wrestling against them at the pay-per-view!
VP: Hey, don' t look at me. I'm not fighting against my friends.
douja: don't even have yo ass lookin' ovva here, motha fucka! I ain't rasslin' wit dose crackas! dey smp's boys an' dey be screwin' me firss chance dey get!
MA: Well, it says here on this sheet somebody has to team with them. douja…you should have four joints on you. You're going to have to draw straws.
douja: HEY! How you know how many doobs I got?
MA: Because it says so on this prepared statement from The BigBoss. So, shortest straw…ummm, shortest joint teams with The Ambulance Jockeys.
douja: man, diss some whack shit. i'll go firss 'cause i know which be tha long one, yo. rolled 'em myself like a motha fucka.
(douja grabs a rather long, narrow joint from Masked Announcer's hand)
douja BOO-YEAH, MOTHA FUCKA! HA HA HA!
Jean: I'll go next…
douja: yo, don't get that fat motha fucka.
Garry [to Barry as they both stand in a corner across the ring] How about those Cubs?
(Jean goes for a joint full of seeds and is spared. Sir Hungalot goes next and indeed…pulls the fat one, a fatty, short and fat and full of Mary Jane packed mostly in the middle)
douja: damn yo…I said not to pick tha fatty you dumbass cracka ass cracka, dats tha short one! HOO HA!
Scotty: And The Big Sir just way-laid douja! Here we go!
Scootie: Scotty, it'll be interesting to see how Jean and VP react to being douja's partner, against their real partner Sir Hungalot, who has to team against his buddies with his and Jean's opponents at PAY PER VIEW!
Scotty: YES! This thing has turned into The BigBoss' infamous SADISTIC SIX-MAN TAG-TEAM MATCH™! Anything can happen! Will VP put his friendship with Hungalot in the trash to get a victory for his team, while aiding his rival douja in getting a win? Will The Ambulance Jockeys leave Sir Hungalot in the ring the entire match to wear him out for PAY PER VIEW, when Garry and Barry meet Pain and Pleasure for the tag-team titles? Will The Big Sir hit the G-Spot on his tag-team partner? Or will douja get pummeled by everybody in the ring… since he really has no alliance to either The Jocks or The Three Guys?
Jason: Duh, will Scotty shut up so we can find out?
Scotty: Ah, I see Jason has turned his mic back on. Whoopee-dee-do! Sir H. has just smacked Barry upside the head, and in this type of match that counts as a legal tag.
Scootie: Looks like he tagged him good from here.
Scotty: Barry charges in and runs right into a douja clothesline. douja now over and forearms VP…in comes the Violent Pacifist to square off against Barry. douja and Bannister are now elbowing each other on the apron in their corner, Garry and Hungalot also in a shoving match in their corner. Barry sizes up the 6' 9" Violent Pacifist and decides to retreat…where he tags an unsuspecting Hungalot!
Scootie: OH YEAH! This outta be good.
Jason: Scotty, you my friend. What wrong with you? Why you talk to yourself? Yur.
Scotty: Bite me, moron! You've ruined my show for the last time! Hungalot looks at The Violent Pacifist…Pacifist measures Hungalot…
Scootie: [muppet voice starting to crackle due to high strain) HA! You said he's measuring him, Scotty! Brilliant!
Scotty: Yeah, it was, wasn't it, Scooty? Pure genius, that's me. WAIT A MINUTE! The Violent Pacifist is begging off! To Sir Hungalot! The truth is told here at NAGAM! VP is afraid of Sir Hungalot! NO! He was pulling a slight of hand and tags in Jean Bannister! Pain and Pleasure exchange a wink and head right towards The Jocks corner! Jean with the classic maneuver "grab the rope and pull- making your opponent flip over it and into the ring because he was holding on to the rope too and can't avoid flipping in"! Garry was the victim! Haven't seen that one in forever! Sir H. pulls in Barry Brown! VP just nailed douja and now the hated enemies are down and fighting outside the ring! I knew it wouldn't last… too much bad blood between these guys!
Scootie: VP and douja are battling back up the dirt path aisle and headed out of sight. We have PAY PER VIEW RIGHT HERE! The Ambulance Jockeys vs. Pain and Pleasure for free! Right here on NAGAM!
Jason: Chee chee chee? Duh, do I get to play Jason and kill anybody yet?
Scotty: Bannister and Hungalot have The Jocks… DOUBLE NOGGIN' KNOCKER! Another classic! Garry and Barry are down! douja with a thumb to VP's eye slows the easy going madman. LOOK AT THIS! Sir Hungalot has the G-spot on Garry! Bannister sent Barry flying over the top rope!
Scootie: OH NO! MR. BILL!
Scotty: Wow, you almost sounded just like him…with that high pitched muppet voice and all. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING! The Masked Announcer just attacked The Violent Pacifist! Masked Announcer just attacked The Violent Pacifist! What could it mean?
Jason: Duh? Billy Polar is Masked Announcer?
Scotty: Good one, dummy. That's impossible! Wait! It is Billy Polar! He just took his mask off…he and douja are beating The Violent Pacifist into a bloody nub!
Scotty: WHAT THE HELL? Jason's in the ring! He took off his hockey mask and nailed Sir Hungalot with it! Jean might be used to that, but not The Sir, he's out cold…. that's not Jason! IT'S SMP! NO FU#&(^$&&(&!@*& WAY!
(Scotty was later fined 25 dollars, about two weeks pay, for this blatant infraction of network cursing)
Scotty: SMP attacks Jean Bannister…SCAPEL'S EDGE! Garry is pinning Sir Hungalot! ONE…TWO…THREE! The Generic Ref with a lot of leniency here at NAGAM 13! "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today™" has done it again! Billy and douja are gone…VP beaten and bloodied. SMP has helped The Jocks steal one from the tag-team champs just weeks or months away from the next PPV! But how, but why? Let's get a word with SMP as he's now coming back to ringside. How did you pull off being GBH being Jason this whole show and me not know it?
SMP: Because….for once you missed the pre-card booker's meeting. Besides, how hard could it to be GBH? Duh? Yur? A real difficult task. * pffffft* And besides, besides…I'm the MASTER of disguise. How many times have I fooled douja, couple hundred now? Hell, I could be and you wouldn't know it, Scotty.
Scotty: Then why didn't you go after douja?
SMP: douja gets his at PAY PER VIEW only on pay per view. I did not see the need to kick his ass two shows back to back. What I do to him at PPV only on PPV will more than make up for letting him slide tonight. In fact, I'm going to beat him so bad…he's going to wish his mother had used birth control EVERY time she turned a trick. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD! By the way, aren't you out of time? Say hi to "Scootie" for me you Sybil ass psycho.
Scotty: But you know The Jocks didn't really beat Pain and Pleasure, right? They pinned Sir Hungalot, who was on THEIR team!
SMP: Doesn't matter. It's a psychological thing, you see? Jean Stapleton and The Big Slur know they dropped one to Garry and Barry tonight…and that will eat away at them until PPV. They're scared now, worried about that match. If they can be had once, it can happen again. And The Jocks walk out with their belts. Then I will walk out with douja's head on a stick. 'Nuff said.
Scotty: Okey dokey! Well fans, we are IN-DEED out of time. For Scootie Whatbootie, and Jason "GBH" Plants…I'm Scotty Whatbody saying goodnight from a very typical "NOT AS GOOD AS MONDAY THURSDAY NIGHT!
(Daybreak. Da Sassy Bitch is seen floating in the middle of Crystal Lake in that canoe. Shot of police cars pulling up near the water's edge. Back to Sassy, who is then jumped from behind by a moldy pre-teen from out of the lake….he pulls DSB under the water. Next shot is of Sassy in a hospital bed talking to a police officer.)
DSB: What happened?
Policeman: We pulled you out of the lake, we thought you were gone too.
DSB: Gone too? What, you mean everybody is dead?
Policeman: No, just that George guy. Everybody else just left.
DSB: What about the boy? The boy in the lake? The one that pulled me under!
Policeman: Ma'am, we didn't find any boy.
(Cue creepy, horror movie music)
DSB: Then he's still out there….wait a minute! Ma'am? I'M NOT GAY!
Policeman: No offense. But I didn't call you gay. I was just following the script… but you do kinda look like a woman.
(Fade out to Da Sassy Bitch performing police brutality)
© 2001 BOB Wrestling! (not really ©) EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!