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No money, no wit here

(Camera pans the state-of-the-art "Not Yet Robbed Center" in downtown Baltimore, Maryland. Over quickly to a sign reading: "Somebody pooped in my soft drink." Cut to ringside to Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi.)

SW: Wow, that must be the shortest scene set up EVER! Anyway, glad to have you back, Heidi!

NH: Thanks, Scotty. The feeling isn't mutual, though. Sorry, buddy.

SW: HEY! Wait a minute, you ARE Nurse Heidi, right? I remember once SMP saying he could be anybody. You're not SMP are you?

NH: No, Scotty...I'm not SMP.

SW: Can I feel your breasts just to make sure?

NH: No you can't. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

SW: No way, I'm not falling for THAT line again! Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. I have 18 years of child support to pay because of that crap! *ahem* Nevermind. Hey, we have a pretty good card, though. This is my 15th NAGAM show! And that's an anniversary!

NH: What? Are you surprised you made it to through 15 shows without getting your ass fired?

SW: Very funny. Yeah, laugh all you want. I'll never get fired from here, who else will sit though sub par wrestling like I do week after week?

NH: Schiavone did it for years. Mike Monroe does it. I do it.

SW: Ummmm. What's yer point? DON'T ANSWER THAT! Well, despite what that midget executive says, this is MY SHOW! Screw those other matches, I'm doing my OWN thing! And since this is NAGAM 15, an anniversary...I'm going to celebrate by giving all my NAGAM fans a look back at some archived greatness.

NH: Scotty, ABOUT?! Are you on the sauce again?

SW: I'm going to tribute this card with the forerunners of inspiration, the flag bearers, the trend setters! Without the STWF and the Whatever Wrestling Federation, Brawler's on a Budget probably wouldn't exist. So, I'm taking the main events from all the STWF and WWF number 15 shows, and recasting them on MY show. Plus, a NAGAM 15 double main event as Smooth and Chocolaty defends their tag-team titles and Donald McKillalot takes on Bohemoth for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

NH: Smooth and Chocolaty? I thought douja retired.

SW: He's not retired, come on. douja retired? He just ran out of dope and couldn't think straight, that's all.

NH: Whatever, but I heard he retired.

SW: Quit being a "Negative Nellie"! I'll think of something. I'm smart. I didn't go to Harvard, but Walter Jackson's Memorial Community College is damn close enough!

(Scotty then proceeds to stuff a pillow under an oversized cowboy shirt. He tapes some soggy Ruffles potato chips to his forehead and dons a blonde, curly wig. He gets in the ring.)


(Crowd boos)

SW: Ah, whassup wit dat? You can't go wrong wit tha classthics! Since tha WWF never had 15 shows, I took a show that landed on a 15th, IF YA WEIL! Diss action from just over 2 years ago, July 15th, 1999. Dey some BAD BLUD IN DISS ONE! And that great Scotty Whatbody is dere, so you KNOW it's a gud one. YOU GOTTA GETS YOU SOME OF DISS! Let's go to Sammy "Sellout" Smiff and Scotty to call tha action, IF YA WEIL.

(Cut to cheesy looking BOB-tron, a 29 inch television sitting on a rolling stand. Flunky hit 'play' on the VCR.)

Sellout Sammy Smith: *ahem* ...and now, the BATTLE ROYAL Main Event.. and as you can see, we have three rings set up! Yes.. 30 men! 10 to a ring! When we get down to 10 left, they'll all move to the centre ring to fight it out to the finish!

SW: This looks eerily familiar.. someone call our lawyers..

(The lights dim. Cheap pyrotechnics explode, and rock music plays. A single laser light waves randomly in the air.)

SW: There goes the budget for this quarter!

Bubba: Ladies and Gentlemen, here are the participants for Ring Number 1!
And to make up numbers, from the STWF.. HEAD TRAUMA BOY COMA!

(The wrestlers walk down to the ring, or in El Gigolantes' case, limp. The crowd cheers, boos and throws stuff, depending on whos in range.)

SW: Who was that last one?

SSS: We got him cheap. Anyway, he sucks, so he won't embarrass us by winning.

SW: Good. Interesting to see that the tag champs are in the same ring.

Bubba: In Ring Two.. THE MIME!


SSS: Sorry, I forgot to tell you. We didn't have enough wrestlers to fill the ring.. off you go Scotty.. don't worry, I can call this thing by myself! Give it the old college try!

SW: Oh, you are SO dead!

Bubba: And in Ring Three.. FUMBUCKER DIONTRAY!

SSS: Well, all thirty men have made it to the rings. SupeRef motions to the timekeeper..

***Bell Rings

SSS: ...AND HERE WE GO! Absolute chaos breaks out right off the bat! I'll try and call it the best I can! Right in front of me, Mishimoto San and the Domino are pounding on Diontray! Kamikazie Ken executes an Asashi Moonsault and levels Toker! The Embalmed Guy is getting pounded by Johnston Powers. The Mime is right next to them, imitating Johnston punch for punch! Roy D. Rage is getting double teamed by both Roberts and Collins! The tag champs are taking no chance with our former Heavyweight champ! They pick him up for a crushing double powerslam! Pissed Teen Mike and Coma are exchanging headbutts in Ring 1! Scotty Whatbody has gotten Killer Pooch down and is stomping away on him! That's the spirit, Scotty! In Ring 3, Carl X is pummeling Tim, while Carl's partner Loomis is ramming Barry Browns head repeatedly into the turnbuckle! This is pure, unadultarated insanity! And it's not even a pay-per-view! OH! Fumbucker Leon gets a stiff-arm clothesline from El Gigolante and is blasted over the top rope! And so Leon has to suffer the indignity of being the first man eliminated! "Handsome" Hank has The Green Mosheen pinned in a corner now, and is standing over him, gyrating away wildly! That's not a pretty sight, I'm telling you. But The Mosheen plucks Hank up and delivers an inverted atomic drop! The Extreme Jock has Scotty Whatbody and The Embalmed Guy! Double noggin knocker! Back in Ring 1, the Hammer and "Cold Stone" are still double-teaming Rage. But Rage fights back like a true ex-champion! Headbutt on Collins! Elbow right between Roberts eyes! Rage picks up Collins in a firemans carry.. DEATH VALLEY DRIVER over the top rope!! Say goodnight Mike, your party's over! 2 men down, 28 to go.. make that 27!! Johnston Powers is drop-kicked over the top rope by Garry Greene! The Mime shrugs and follows suit, imitating Powers tumble almost perfectly! 4 men gone now! And would you believe Scotty's still in this thing! Of course, he is getting paintbrushed by The Extreme Jock, but he's lasted longer than I thought he would! Rage is on the recieving end of a big Avalance from El Gigolante! Oingo Boingo and Kamikazie Ken execute an astonishing double hikanrana on the Domino! The two of them working very well together.. double dropkick sends Mishimoto San reeling back.. and Stoned Toker pulls the top rope down! Mishimoto San tumbles over and he is out of here! Oingo gives Ken a trio of high-fives and then headbutts him! So much for that little partnership! Carl X with an enormous Samoan Drop on Barry Brown! The Embalmed Guy gets a Swinging Neckbreaker courtesty of The Extreme Jock. The Jock scoops him up and tries to get rid of him.. he gets some help from Scotty... YES! The Embalmed Guy is history! Meanwhile Pissed Teen Mike tries a flying forearm on The Guy! A nice last-second duck by the Guy, and Mike is gone! How many are left now? Where's the nifty on-screen graphic we were supposed to have?

(We cut to a shot of some nameless WWF flunky holding a card marked "23")

SSS: Better than nothing I suppose. Back to the action! Scotty Whatbody is involved in a fist-fight with Garry Greene... Garry suddenly drops to all fours.. and Head Trauma Boy Flatline uses Garrys back as a launching pad! Big shoulderblock on Scotty! He reels back to the ropes.. and a double clothesline from Garry and Flatline sends him to the floor! A brave effort by my broadcast colleague there!

SW: *cough*.. *pant*.. You.. *hack*.. are soooooo dead...

SSS: Look out! Vertical suplex from SMP on The Guy! The Guys outstreched foot connects with Coma on the way! El Jabaronie Loco leaps onto the ropes and springboards into Ring 2, sending Killer Pooch down with a head-scissor takedown! Well, no-one said he had to STAY in the ring he stared in! E.J Loco is all over the place! He leaps onto the turnbuckle.. jumps into Ring 3! But Kamikazie Ken was waiting and meets him with a mid-air dropkick! What action! Diontray picks up Loco and tries to eject him from the ring. He's going.. he's going... wait a minute! Barry comes up from behind and uses Diontrays own momentum to send him out along with El Jaboronie Loco! Two for the price of one! Barry waves to the crowd and turns.. just in time to get squashed between Carl X and Loomis! Barry is easily eliminated after that little taste of the Skank-wich! We're at the one-third point!

SW: Oh, man, my neck is never gonna be the same! You're getting my chiropracters bills, Sammy!

SSS: Oh, quit complaining! Check out the pummelling that Rage and SMP are dishing out to The Guy! I didn't even know an arm could bend like that! In the centre ring, Handsome Hank just gave Killer Pooch a Backdoor Buttslam!

SW: That's doin' it doggie-style!

SSS: And the Pooch leaps over the top rope and eliminates himself! I think he's headed for the shower before Hank can get there! Back in Ring 1, The Guy, SMP and Rage have now teamed up on El Gigolante! Can they get the 370-pounder out? They're having difficulty, due to his low center of gravity! Wait a minute, when did Carl X get eliminated?

SW: Beats the heck out of me... I was watching Nurse Heidi. Check THAT out!

SSS: Oh my GOD! Sorry about that mosiac pattern over Hiedis... *ahem*.. pectorials, fans. She's got everyone in Ring 1 stunned.. except SMP and Coma, that is..

SW: Well, according to this tabloid, she's been seeing both of them, so I guess they've seen both of THOSE before..

SSS: And there goes El Gigolante, upended by SMP and Coma! That's what happens when your attention wanders like that! Meanwhile, The Green Mosheen and Flatline are trying to eliminate Toker! Handsome Hank comes in to help out.. or maybe just cop a cheap feel.. and Toker is out of it!

SW: So what's new? He's always out of it...

(We cut to the card-holding guy, who's holding up a "15" sign.)

SSS: And we're at the half-way point! Both Head Trauma Boys go to the top ropes in thier respective rings. Double flying headbutts! On each other! Are they insane? Anyway, they just eliminated themselves, so we're down to a lucky 13 wrestlers!

SW: Not so lucky for Oingo Boingo! He just got back-dropped out by The Domino! Only Loomis the Vile, Kamikazie Ken and The Domino remain in Ring 3!

SSS: And the Domino is taking it to both of them. Predictably, the action in the other rings slows down so we can focus on this! Bodyslam on Ken! Bodyslam on Loomis! Standing side kick for Ken! Short Clothesline drops Loomis.. The Domino a one-man assualt force! He scoops up Ken for a belly-to-back suplex! Beautiful execution! He's making the old "over-the-top" sign to the crowd.. and there goes Loomis! The Domino turns his attention to Ken.. Gorilla Press!! He walks him to the ropes and tosses him over! Ken, ever the showman does a somersault and breaks a table on the way out! What a professional he is!

SW: Well, the Domino thinks he can take a rest, seeing as how he cleared his ring..

***Bell Rings

Bubba: As we now have 10 men left, all the remaining wrestlers will move to Ring 2!

Domino: Awww.. crap!

SSS: Well, just ten men left.. The Domino, The Extreme Jock, Garry Greene, SMP, Handsome Hank, The Guy, Roy D. Rage, Tim...

SW: A Pissed Teen is still in?

SSS: Feeling like a loser, Scotty? Anyway, Steve Roberts and The Green Mosheen round out the final 10!

***Bell Rings

SSS: And here we go again! Wait a minute! Here comes Birdboy! He leaps in the ring and tackles The Guy! Do you believe it?! Birdboy raining punches on The Guy now! Birdboy has the crowd firmly behind him! The noise is deafening! Birdboy grabs The Guy by the seat of his pants.. and ELIMINATES HIM!!


SSS: Way to remain neutral, Scotty. Birdboy out to the apron.. FLY AWAY on The Guy!!! The Champ is taking The Guy to the cleaners! The two of them brawling their way up the aisle now! Just listen to those fans!

SW: Back in the ring, the remaining nine wrestlers are going at each other like there's no tomorrow!

SSS: Rage DDT's The Mosheen! SMP is delivering elbows repeatedly to The Domino! The Extreme Jock leaps onto the top turnbuckle.. CORKSCREW PLANCHA! Handsome Hank goes down..

SW: On who? the mat after that one...

SW: Oh, good.

SSS: Meanwhile, Garry drills Tim with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Hefts him up onto his shoulders. The other wrestlers are giving him lots of room so it could be something good coming up here...

SW: Oh Yeah! Fall-away slam over the top rope!!! So long Tim!

SSS: Garry looks exhausted, though.. he leans on the ropes to catch his breath..and here comes the Barbados Skanks back to the ring! Loomis reaches up and simply drags Garry out! And we've got a three man beat-down in progress! Loomis winds up and gives Garry a lariat from Heck! All three men stomping away now! And I don't think I have to remind you that the Jocks and the Skanks will clash at Barnyard Blitkrieg!

SW: But you will, anyway.. WAIT A MINUTE! Here comes Barry! He's got a chair! Neither of the Skanks have noticed him, despite the huge pop from the fans!

SSS: WHAM! Carl is knocked into the middle of next week! Loomis keeps pounding Garry, being a little slower on the uptake than Carl.. Barry blasts him right over the head! Loomis keeps stomping.. but finally his body gets the message from his brain and he goes down like a ton of bricks! J.C steps in to interfere.. and Heidi takes care of that!

SW: Hope he wasn't planning a family anytime soon!

SSS: Soprano City all right! And here comes security! They drag the Skanks and Jocks apart! Carl still manages to break away from the eight guys holding him and get a few more punches in! It looks like they're going to fight all the way back to the locker room! We haven't seen the last of this! Not with a Pay-per-view a week away, anyway! Back in the ring, the Extreme Jock just got knocked for a loop by The Mosheen!

SW: Do you belive the Green Mosheens still in this thing! That's my boy!

SSS: The Green Mosheen drags the Jock to the ropes.. he's got him half-way over.. can he do it??

SW: C'mon Green! Go! GO!!

SSS: And the Jock is teetering.. and there he goes!


SSS: The Mosheen turns around.. and a double clothesline from Rage and Hank lifts him off his feet and out!

SW: NOOO! Rage, you BLEEP!! Son of a BLEEP!!!

SSS: Why don't you tell us how you really feel, Scotty? WHOA! Big powerbomb on Roberts from The Domino! Picks him up and runs him to the ropes! Simply flings him over the top! Roberts is gone! Just Rage, Hank, Plants and the Domino left! Gut-wrench suplex from Plants levels Hank! The Domino gets a big knee-lift from Rage! Leg-drop! He's got the Domino prone in the center of the ring! Bunces off the ropes.. GIGANTIC splash! He's got the Domino right where he wants him! SMP is chopping away at Hank in the corner! Rage drags Domino to his feet and sets him up for a whip to the buckle! Here it comes.. REVERSAL! Rage comes straight back towards Plants and Hank.. SMP drops a shoulder.. RAGE IS GONE! Backdropped out by Plants!

SW: HA! Seeya Roy! Thanks for coming!

SSS: Just three men left! SMP and the Domino are going at it furiously! Lefts and rights being exchanged! SMP gets his jaw jacked! Responds with a clothesline from nowhere! Slingshots Domino into the buckle! SMP slaps on a cross-face chicken wing! He's literaly dragging Domino to the ropes.. can he get rid of him?

SW: Here comes Hank! He's sneaking up from behind!

SSS: He sure is! Domino and Plants leaning way too far out over the ropes.. Hank strikes.. and DUMPS BOTH OF THEM OVER THE TOP! It's OVER!!!

***bell rings!

Bubba: Here is the winner of the Battle Royal... "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINNNNNNNNS!!!!!!!!

SSS: What a match! And it'll be Hank who wins the trip to Gay Paree... appropriately enough.. and will also get a World Title shot at an upcoming Tornado Thursday Night!

SW: If the Boss doesn't negate that once he finds out about this, Sammy...

SSS: Anyway, thanks for joining us tonight, and for Scotty Whatbody, I'm "Sellout" Sammy Smith, saying "See you at BARNYARD BLITZKRIEG!" So long, everybody!

(Cut back to 'Dussy Whoads' in the ring.)

SW: WHOO WEE! Dat wuz some CLUBBORIN right dere! And how about dat commentata Scotty Whatbody...doin' it in tha ring! Whatta man, whatta man!

NH: Oh, brother....

SW: Diss nex action come all tha way from Monday Nae Trous #15 in tha STWF. It's a classthic, baby! Old school rules! YOU GOTTA GET YOU SUM OF DISS!

(Legendary grappler/turned commentator Captain Twilight is seen on the t.v. screen. Looking about like what Freddie Blassie did on Raw this week.)

CT: Boy, Khorne has really snapped. When he started, he was an innocent popcorn vendor. Now, who knows. Okay, time for a small break, and when we come back, DOOM will face Distruct for the STWF Championship belt.

The Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl is very close. If you haven't picked your weapons, DO IT NOW! AND I MEAN NOW! Don't forget to tell all your friends in other feds that they're invited. Also on the B'BB card:

Stealth Bomber vs. Colonel "Pops" Khorne for the ICCTINACBBIC belt;

The Circus Freaks vs. the Warrior Gods for the tag straps;

Mr. Rage vs. Bohemoth;

Cube vs. El Spheros;

and just signed, ThatGuy will take on the A$$whupper!

All this plus the UNBELIEVABLE Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl! At least 60 men will be participating, but hey, try and get MORE!

R.E.I. Productions presents, yet another Lester Leary album. Because there have been no death threats asking for him to stop, Lester Leary presents "HalleluJACK!" All your favourite Gospel hits, in lounge-style! The Vatican called it "blasphemous garbage. Anyone who buys this album should be excommunicated." Jaymz Bee and Tim Tamashiro called it "an insult to lounge music as we know it." Rimshot called it "a masterpiece! One of the top ten albums of the year!" Features:

How Great Thou Art

Amazing Grace

Lift High the Cross

And many more! That's "HalleluJACK!" Buy it today!

Tonight's episode of Monday Nae Trous has been brought to you by Geek Depot Techie Supplies. Have you ever spoken to anyone in C++? If so, you oughta be here. YES! Our shipment of ManuCAD R73 is IN! For those of you who can't stand AutoCAD, ManuCAD lets you do it all yourself! That's Geek Depot Techie Supplies. "Geek" isn't pejorative anymore!

CT: Both men are in the ring now, Kandi is outside the ring as always.

***bell rings.

CT: Boy, after that last match, this is going to be hard to top, even though it is for the Heavyweight belt. Both men lock up. DOOM executes a sleeperhold off the bat. Distruct manages to get out quickly enough. Distruct with a chop to DOOM, then a short clothesline by Distruct. It's a little hard to see him without Dr. Death, and with this new look. Let's hope his re-tooling pays off. Distruct trying to wear DOOM down with a Boston Crab. DOOM takes a step towards the ropes...Distruct pulls back a bit more. DOOM takes another step, and another...Distruct straining with all his might...DOOM grabs the ropes. Distruct tries an enzuigiri and misses. DOOM whips Distruct against the ropes, and tries a dropkick but Distruct held onto the ropes. Distruct with an elbowdrop. The cover: DOOM with a powerslam on Distruct now...the rattling of Distruct's beads can be heard from here! The DOOM whips Distruct into the ropes and this time lands a spinning heel kick. DOOM climbs up top for a big splash: Distruct raises the knees. Distruct with a guillotine drop. The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Distruct this time whips DOOM into the ropes...but not without having him bump into the ref first. Brawl ensuing between the two big men, while the ref is out. Honestly, wrestling wasn't like this when I started sixty-five years ago. Sure we may have sheared each others' ears off... but at least refs were stronger back then. These refs can barely take a good sock to the abdomen! But anyways. DOOM with an axe-kick on Distruct. DOOM follows up with three legdrops in a row. The count: Distruct now with a flying shoulderblock. The cover: 1...2...kickout, and a rather weak cover I might add. DOOM with a piledriver! This could be over...1...2...shoulder up? Okay... DOOM seems mad now. Frustrated may be a better word. Distruct has taken quite a bit, but given out some as well. DOOM with a cobra clutch. Distruct, is he submitting? I can't see from this vantage point. The ref calls for the bell, so I suppose that might be it!

Announcer Lad: Here is your winner, and STIIIIIIIILL the STWF Heavyweight Champion, DOOM!


CT: Not a bad match, not bad at all. I was glad to be a part of tonight's episode, alone, without the annoying banter of Jamal, or Angus pointing out the obvious and complaining of my references. Unfortunately, Jamal of course goes alone next week. A treat for some, but not for me. Next week, we just might see that eight-man tag team match between the Rogue's Gallery and Sir O's boys, plus the mystery partner. I'd like to invite you to join Jamal then. I just hope you can understand him. Until next week, I'm Captain Twilight, and I might as well say, because it's tradition now, keep your pants off.

(c) 1997 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre


(Cut to Nurse Heidi, who's sleeping. She jolts back awake and wipe some drool off her lip. At least I think it was drool...)

SW: Fans, dats sum gud action right dere. An here sum more! Diss happened at Friday Friday Friday, numba 15! YOU GOTTA GET YOU SUM OF DISS! Let's go to Angus "Vince" McMadden an Jamal Tupac Mustafa for tha call.

(Again, the retro time capsule looking effect is shown on the t.v. as we drift backwards into wrestling's past. What, you didn't notice the other times? Must be a typo. Fade into McMadden and Jamal in an announcer's booth.)

AVM: There you have it, fans... Tiger finally gets a clean win over the Bohemoth, and becomes the new North American champion.

JTM: He ain't even earn it! Wrestler Smurf wasn't even out here! The big blue guy will have something to say about this!

AVM: I'm quite sure Wrestler Smurf will be in line for a shot soon... Of course, he obviously has issues with the Mira Maniac right now. It's been an eventful night, here. We've seen two up-and-comers go at it, the debut of the fabled Oni-san, and a new North American champion. If we were one of the OTHER promotions, that might be it... but NO! We have one more match of epic proportions! That's what puts the STWF over all other federations... we bring you pay-per-view quality matches every card. The ring has finally cleared, and the crowd has quieted down a little...

JTM: But, V... you's gotsta believe that they still on fire, 'cuz they know what's coming up next!

AVM: That's right... a REALLY big one coming up... B.F. Sack, and members of the Inner Circle, taking on members of the Entertainment Industry. Four on four, elimination tag team match! We're quickly running out of time, so let's get right down to ringside for the introductions.

{{The yet-to-be-determined Inner Circle theme plays as the team of Milwaukee's Best, Not Prisoner X, and B.F. Sack comes down the aisle. The crowd is on its feet, and going wild!}}

AVM: There is lots of speculation about the World Champion, B.F. Sack, and his involvement with the Inner Circle... some say he may actually be a member.

AL: Introducing first, representing the Inner Circle, the tag team champions of the world, Beast and Beast Light, Milwaukee's Best! Their tag team partner, also representing the Inner Circle, Not Prisoner X! And finally, team captain, the STWF Heavyweight Champion of the World, B.F. SACK!!

{{The crowd begins to boo an hiss loudly as the rap remix of "You're Gonna Make It Afterall" plays over the loud speaker. They begin to litter the aisle with even more trash.}}

AL: And now, their opponents, representing the Entertainment Industry, and led to the ring by Rimshot, Billy the Giant Goat, and Mr. Fred, Darren #3 and Rodney Ricardo, Nik At Nyte! Their fellow Industry partners: "Black" Jack Dealer, and Gruff!

AVM: Maybe this will put an end to the feud between Sack and the Entertainment Industry.

JTM: We can only hope.

AVM: Well, all combatants are in the ring. It looks like Gruff and Not Prisoner X, originally scheduled for singles action here tonight, will start things off. Gruff taking a moment to taunt Not-X... Not-X with a kick to Gruff's midsection. Gruff hits the canvas like a rock!

JTM: You ain't need to go tauntin' someone who's been in prison...

AVM: Prison? What are you talking about?

JTM: Nuffin'

AVM: Not-X is kicking Gruff now. Well, no one ever accused him of being a technical genius. Picks Gruff up... BIG scoop-slam. Goes for the cover... 1... 2... Dealer makes the save! Sack and Milwaukee's Best enter the ring to protest, but the referee orders them out... the ref with his back turned, giving the Entertainment Industry the perfect opportunity to quadruple-team Not Prisoner X!! Oh, come on! Haven't these guys ever heard of fair play?

JTM: No... all these guys know is fair pay...

AVM: You may very well be right. Finally, the referee turns his attention back to the match... Gruff and Not-X alone in the ring. It should just about be over for Not-X who has just sustained an awful beating. Gruff is pulling Not-X over to the corner... we could see the Billy Goat Moonsault... climbs the turnbuckles... YES! That should be it... 1... 2... 3! Not Prisoner X is the first man eliminated! As the referee rolls Not-X out of the ring, Beast charges Gruff not giving him the chance to tag... Irish whip to the ropes... Gruff ducks under a clothesline and gives the blind tag to Darren #3... Beast turns around, and locks up with Gruff, who is not the legal man... He's going for the press slam... but here comes Darren #3 off of the top rope, with a perfectly executed missile drop kick!!

JTM: Seems like Rimshot been teachin' da boyz some rasslin' moves...

AVM: Certainly does, doesn't it? Darren #3 picks Beast up, and delivers an atomic drop, with authority. I'm impressed with the Nik At Nyte members... they certainly seem more confident in the ring...

JTM: Don't get me wrong, V... I love them Armani suits... they phat, and all dat, but do they really have to rassle in them?

AVM: I wouldn't know. That's the Entertainment Industry for you... Beast leaps to the corner, and tags in Beast Light. Beast Light charges Darren #3 and takes him down with a beautiful hurricanrana! Straight into a pinning maneuver... 1... 2... the kick out on two. Darren #3 makes the quick tag to Rodney Ricardo. Ricardo and Beat Light lock up... Beast Light twirls around into the rear waist-lock.... German suplex! The pin... 1... 2... Ricardo kicks out! Wow... the action is fast and furious, and Beast Light actually has the Industry on the run... the tag is made now to "Black" Jack Dealer... let's hope the referee thought to take his razor cards away before the match... Nope, no such luck! He just whipped one out and flipped it straight at Beast Light!! What is this guys problem?!? He just got himself disqualified... the referee is ordering him out of this match. Meanwhile, Rodney Ricardo comes into the ring, and covers the lacerated Beast Light... 1... 2... 3! Beast Light is out of this thing as well! For those of you keeping score, it's now 3 on 2... Beast and Sack, who we have yet to see in this match, against Nik At Nyte, and Gruff. In the ring now is Ricardo and Beast...

JTM: Why ain't Sack been in this thing?

AVM: This could be a smart game plan on Sack's part... he saves himself, so he's fresh when he needs to get in the ring... Okay, back to the action. Gruff and Beast are really going at it... as with any match-up of big men, there's nothing pretty or technical about this... just fists and feet flying. The larger Gruff is actually overwhelming Beast... Beast down in a neutral corner, now... Gruff kicking away. Gruff grabs Beast's head now... turns him around... what's he doing? Oh! He's going for the front-face suplex... can he get it? Yes! Makes the cover... 1... 2... Not quite! Beast still has some fight left in him! Goes for it again... Front-face suplex... YES! That's two... makes the cover... 1... 2... 3! NO!! Up on two! But just barely! Gruff looks very frustrated now... pulls Beast over to the corner... perhaps for the Billy Goat Moonsault, the same move that finished off Not Prisoner X at the opening of this bout. Beast in position... Gruff climbing the turnbuckles... goes for it... NO!! Beast slides out of the way... Gruff looks like he just had all of he wind knocked out of him! Beast makes the cover... 1... 2... 3! We are back down to a level playing field, now... Nik At Nyte against B.F. Sack and Beast... Darren #3 in now...

JTM: I jus noticed... there's a lot of animals at ringside...

AVM: Very astute of you to notice... D3 and Beast staring each other down... there's a lot of history between Nik At Nyte and the Milwaukee's Best. The Best are the only team thus far to defeat Nik At Nyte. Let's see what happens here... Wait! What's this? Down the ramp, here comes the Vegas Connection! What are these guys doing here?

JTM: They up to no good, I jus knows it!

AVM: They're taunting Beast! They're... ... talking about his mother?! Oh, this is uncalled for! Beast leaps out of the ring, and charges them... however, the two-on-one situation is not being kind... the Connection quickly beat Beast down... the referee is making the count... 2... 3... 4... the Connection turns around and... ... gives an obscene gesture to Nik At Nyte?! What is going on around here? Is the Connection still with the Industry?

JTM: I think they is, but the gots itin fo' the new kids on the block, Nik At Nyte. The Connection been around... fo'mer tag champs... they ain't like D3 and Double R comin' in and stealin' their spotlight...

AVM: There's an old saying: A rising tide lifts ALL ships. Before Nik At Nyte came in, the Industry was prett stagnant... 9... 10... Beast has been counted out! The Connection are leaving, and this leave B.F. Sack alone to do battle with Nik At Nyte, the two men who started this feud to begin with... Sack enters the ring, and the crowd is going absolutely nuts!! D3 tags in Ricardo, and it looks like we're about to see some double-teaming here... ... the both charge, but Sack escapes... BIG scissor-kick sends D3 to the outside... grabs Ricardo... belly-to-belly suplex!! Wait!! He's going for it! Ricardo on the mat, Sack with the... YES!! Domino Effect! D3 is down, and Ricardo has no place to go!!

JTM: He's beating that mat like a congo drum! BABALU!! BAAAAAAABALU!

AVM: We can really do without the singing. Ricardo is out of this thing! Quick tap-out submission! The referee is rolling him out of the ring... meanwhile, D3 is crawling back in on the opposite side... Sack spots him... picks him up!! He's got more of the same for Darren #3!!! Belly-to-belly suplex, and... YES!! The Domino Effect! What's this? Darren #3 refuses to give up!

JTM: He's in da middle of da ring! He ain't got no place to go!

AVM: He's still hanging on! The referee right on top of things... Domino Effect sinched in... D3 still in there... ... it's only a matter of time... What's this? Slowly but surely... D3's looking dazed... his eyes are glazed over... he's going out! Going... going... ... ... the referee checks him... he's talking to him... D3's looking around, but gives no response... ... what's going to happen? Wait... I think... ... YES!! The referee stops the match!! B.F. Sack has single handedly defeated Nik At Nyte!

JTM: Man, V... that ain't right... the other three, da Inner Circle guys, helped soften them up...

AVM: Sack has won this thing!! Wow! What a match... one for the history books!! This was, perhaps, the biggest match in the history of Friday Friday Friday!! Sack's coming over here.. the fans are going nuts... I can't hear a word I'm even saying...

JTM: Yo, Sack... Man, you jus defeated Nik At Nyte and put da smack-down on the Entertainment Industry... whatchoo gonna do now?

Sack: I'm going to PorkLand!!

AVM: The champion and victor tonight, B.F. Sack, taking a moment to plug one of our new sponsors... PorkLand, the themepark where the piggies walk upright... Take a left at Ma's Deli, and go down the street about five miles, and you're there... look for the giant haystack. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a tremendous night... two weeks in the making. Join us here for next week for another Friday Friday Friday, because one Friday is never enough. For Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying "Keep Your Pants On." Wait, that's my Monday sign-off...

©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre

SW: DAMN! Dat's sum fine action right dere. Oh yeah.

NH: Scotty, I'm getting a cramp. How much longer is the trip down misery memory lane?

SW: Scotty? Who Scotty? I'm Dussy Whoads! "The Sounds Like An African American....Dream", I'm a legend! I've wined an dined wit kings an queens, an lived off bread an pork 'n beans, baby.

NH: WHAT-ever. (rolls eyes).

SW: WHOO WEE! Diss one be from Thursday Sumpin or Otha Numba 15. Dey be sum BAD BRUD in diss one, if ya weil. Let's get on wit it wit Gary "The Glutton", a big ole fat ass fatta dan Angus McMadden again. GET YOU SUM OF DISS!

(Warp time again...)

AVM: Okay, let's see what we've got lined up for the main event here. (ruffles papers around trying to sound like he's just figuring it out now) Hmmm, let's make it title defense number three, shall we?

GG: The Tiger's not gonna be happy about rasslin' on a Thursday. That man's ego is bigger'n my gut.

AVM: That's one big ego, then. Now who have we got in the back there who's been wanting a shot at the Intergalactic Belt. Let's see, the first ranked Heavyweight to get out here will get a shot.

(Camera shot of the locker area, actually just outside the bathroom. Inside you can here a muffled murmur, followed by the sound of a flushing toilet. Then a lumbering Beanie capped in'duh'vidual runs by.

(Twinkle, Twinkle little star belts out of the speakers, and we hear a loud "AWWWWW, SH<-BLEEP->" coming from the bathroom.)

AVM: Mittens looks ready to go, now we're awaiting the arrival of the Intergalactic Champion, he's supposed to have the night off tonight, but too bad.

(Intergalactic, by the Beastie Boys plays, and out comes the Tiger, obviously not ready.)

AVM: OK folks, here's your Intergalactic Champion, the Tiger. As if you didn't already know. In this very ring, tonight, on a Thursday. Mittens vs. the Tiger. Can it get any better than THIS?

GG: Uh, yeah, like it could be a lot better. I mean, if you had waited five more minutes then....

AVM: Can't wait, Mittens is obviously the most deserving wrestler to get this title shot, despite the whining from the back. And I'm only saying what Mr. D.K. told me to, so don't come out here beating me up. Mittens and Tiger lock up, Mittens with the armbar on the champion. He pushes the Tiger into the turnbuckle, and rumbles in there with a avalanche, crushing the Tiger. He falls to the mat, and Mittens with the cover. 1..2..and the Tiger kicks out. Mittens slingshots Tiger into the ropes, goes for a huge dropkick, but Tiger holds onto the ropes, and Mittens goes down with a crash.

GG: Looks like Mittens is gonna have some kittens when he sees what's coming next.

AVM: Alright, Glutton, hand over that "Big Book of ESPN Sportcenter Catchphrases" and let us never speak of that last line again.

GG: Ohhhh, but I paid fifteen bucks for this!

(Angus snatches the book, then idly leafs through it and writes something down before putting it away.)

AVM: Tiger climbs up to the top turnbuckle, and drops an elbow on the prone Mittens. Lateral press. 1..2.. and Mittens brings up a shoulder. He's still in this thing. Mittens is getting back up. Tiger tries kicking the big fellow in his ample stomach, but Mittens catches the booted foot. Mittens all the way up, and the Tiger again levels Mittens with an enzuirigiri. Looks like it could be time for a Tiger Rack.

GG: Not if these guys have anything to say about it. It's the Heelside Stranglers, SMP and Soft Core Zack, coming down to the ring together, I never thought I'd live long enough to see that.

AVM: Me neither, you should have eaten yourself to death years ago. SMP and Zack are right at ringside, and the Tiger is exchanging witty remarks with the two of them. Mittens takes advantage, whips the distracted Tiger around, and Powerbombs him onto the mat! Oh no... Mittens with the Glove, could this be the quick end of the Tiger's illustrious reign?

(Sound of stuff breaking is heard.)

AVM: It's Luke Warm everybody! Luke Warm is IN DA FACIZILITY! Coming down to the ring, SMP meets him, STONECUTTER! Luke Warm in the ring, STONECUTTER on the ref! Mittens up, STONECUTTER on him! Now SMP and Soft Core Zack are in the ring, beating on Luke Warm. Tiger is getting up, little bit unsteady on that twisted leg of his.

GG: Uh-oh, here comes trouble. It's Bohemoth.

AVM: Bohemoth hits the ring, and......plays peacemaker???? This is a first. Bo is in between the two groups, not a very smart thing to do at this point. He puts a hand on S.M.P.'s chest, trying to talk some sense into him, on the other side, Tiger and Luke Warm are panting heavily. Mittens is back up, he sees Bohemoth's back turned, and double axehandles him. Mittens out of the ring and heading for the hills before you can say boo.

GG: Boo! Yeah, you're right. Bo turns, he sees the Tiger staring at him, and pointing over Bo's shoulder at the fleeing Mittens. Bo wags his finger back and forth, as if to say, "I'm not falling for that old one, not again at least".

AVM: Bohemoth and Tiger jawing at each other. Bo pushes the Tiger, and all hell breaks loose once again, Bo and Tiger exchanging rights and lefts, SMP and Soft Core Zack are doubleing up on Luke Warm, I'd love to show you more but we are out of time! Join us right here next time, as the male soap opera continues. Or something.

SW: WHOO WEE! Wish we could show ya tha end of dat!

NH: That WAS the end, you idiot.

SW: Oh really? Are you sure?

NH: Yes, I am...and take that stupid pillow out from under your shirt, you look retarded.


NH: *ahem*

(The lights go out. Not due to anybody entering the ring, the power is gone. Zilch, nothing nadda. Scotty and Heidi are seen again, now wearing different clothing)

SW: Okay case you don't watch the news, there was a train accident here the other day and some hazardous materials spilled out onto the ground. The arena was evacuated and the rest of the show cancelled.

NH: But we have some good news, right Scotty?

SW: Oh yeah, we still have our formats...and we're going to tell you what would have happened if everything followed the script. WHOO HOO!

NH: Wonders never cease...

SW: Okay, okay, enough of that. Here's what would have happened. SMP was to come out without douja because douja retired and/or was arrested for having drugs on him or something. However, The Doc had hand picked some "opponents" and was going to try to defend the belts by himself.

NH: Yeah, some team... Necro Phil and some guy named Beastie Al calling themselves The REALLY Nasty Boys. What a joke.

SW: But, OH NO. Commissioner VP wasn't going to be fooled. He came out and demanded SMP defend the titles against those flunkie goobers Josh and Jim of KSK. SMP had a tantrum as the teeny bop heroes marched out.

NH: And then poor Sil made like he was going to leave the ring, grabbed his wagon with all 8 titles belts in it...when he suddenly ran back to the ring swinging one half of the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tag-team titles over his head. Josh backdropped him and the title landed on Sil's head. Jim then pinned him, and VP declared Massively Packaged the Four Play tag-team champions while SMP foamed at the mouth and nearly had an coronary burst.

SW: And boy did those pre-pube honies scream for Josh and Jim! It was like Duran Duran came back and toured again!

NH: Oh hell no. I saw Duran in '84 and Josh and Jim is NO Duran Duran. Ahhhh, John Taylor was such a hottie. (daydreams momentarily about her teen years, looking at that poster of John, and reaching under the pillow for that "little special friend." Batteries Not Included.)

SW: Heidi? You okay?

NH: Shhhhh, gimme a minute.

SW: Ummmm, well SMP then was to pull a contract out of his back pocket, saying the match was not official because the bell never sounded. VP buys it, and awards the titles back to SMP. Then as Commissioner, strips SMP of the belts because one man can't hold 'em. Then delared the belts vacant!

NH: That brought on tantrum number three. Not long after, Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano drop from the rafters and jump Josh and Jim...still pissed about KSK calling them jobbers some time back. VP sees all this, and declares at the PPV Massively Packaged will face Ken and Mano for the vacant straps!

SW: Gravy! That'll sell some tickets. (Looks around nervously)

NH: Then main event time came around, and to make a long story short...McKillalot and Bo were really going at it until BigBoss gave SMP and Hank the "run-in greenlight". Even Billy Polar joined in! Those Not Quite Millionaires are really causing some problems.

SW: Yeah, then Billy was going to hit Donald with a Randy Savage like top rope elbow that I dubbed "The Yale-Bow". Get it? Havard guys HATE Yale men! Everytime Billy drops it on somebody he can pretend he's smashing a Yaley! WHOO HOO, BABY! I RULE LIKE A SONOFA!

NH: *yawn* Then the lights went out as SMP and Hank punked on Bo again.

SW: YEAH! SMP must have got ahold of some bad lasagne...that stuff REEKED!

NH: I said PUNKED, dummy! Anyway, the lights flicked and the Sanford and Son themed played...the place went gonzo as B.F. Sack came down and cleared the ring of the baddies. B.F. then challenged SMP and Hank at the PPV, with Bo and Sack's partner in an Ultimate Revenge Grudgey Type Vengenace Match. VP signed it on the spot.

SW: Cool, now if only Billy and Donald can follow up on their fight, we might have our main event for the PPV! *winks*

NH: We'll see. Hey Scotty, how much of that smoke cloud did you breathe in? It looks like you're losing your hair.

SW: WHAT?! NO WAY...I'll look like that freak Dennis! Get me a mirror! GET ME A MIRROR!

(Mercifully, the credits roll)

© 2001 BOB Wrestling! Are you glad THIS wasn't the PPV. I am, I hate to give refunds.


© BOB Wrestling!

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