YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR!
[Welcome to the Donnybrook Y.M.C.A. in lovely (?) downtown Donnybrook, Rhode Island. The camera pans briefly over a small crowd of locals and two elderly men can be seen at the vending area. One is dressed like a police man and the other is dressed like a construction worker. They're selling BOB's semi famous flame broiled wieners, and occassionally do something lewd and disgusting with the wieners when nobody's looking. It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. Also seen is an indian in full headdress sweeping the aisle, and a leather wearing, biker type with a Cheech Marin moustache selling programs. It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. Cut to Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi...who don't seem to be having any fun at all.]
Scotty Whatbody: Finally! The triumphant return of NAGAM! The Not As Good As Monday, Thursday Night Show is on the air! And boy, what a crap-fest we have tonight! And you know what, Heidi? For once NAGAM will be better than the Monday show, 'cause we didn't HAVE a Monday show! WHOO HOO!
Nurse Heidi: Better? Don't hold your breath, Scotty.
SW: What?! Are you kidding? What could be better than Ginger the Psycho Scooter taking on Wes the Talking Skateboard? We're going to decide the tag-team champions tonight! And what about that Geeky Hardcore Match? And Billy versus Josh! Ummmm, wait a sec. Okay, I see what you mean. *sigh*
NH: Don't take it so hard, Scoot. And besides, I thought you were going to graduate to the Monday show with Mike and give your slot here to Mark.
SW: Hey! That's a thought! But this is MY show, after all...it might suck, but it's ALL MINE! And I can do whatever I want on MY show, like this...
NH: OUCH! Hey, don't do that!
SW: So now you know what's worse than a tornado, huh?
NH: Yeah, a titty twister. Grow up, Scotty!
SW: Quit being a baby! Hey, look...the Masked Announcer is in the ring! We're getting ready to kick this thing off, and the sooner the better in my book! I can't wait to get outta here...the biker guy selling the programs keeps winking at me!
[Cut to biker guy, he winks into the camera and seductively licks his lips. And if you really think it was seductive, then you must be gay or something. Back to ring...]
Masked Announcer: Lady and Gentleman, that androgynous looking person, and everybody else. *ahem* This first contest is a Kiddy Fav Grudge Match! The ring will be surrounded by pre-teens in 'lumberjack style', and which ever toy they hate worse is in for a rough time if they hit the floor!
SW: WOW! A lumberjack match! With kids! Heidi, this sucks doesn't it?
NH: You said it, not me...
MA: First, from origins that pre-date most mobile toys of today, with a slight upgrade because its claim to fame is vocal chords... from water-less swimming pools and sidewalks everywhere, weighing in tonight at just around 4 or 5 pounds, Zilla's trusty ride-on....WES, THE TALKING SKATEBOARD!
SW: WHAT?! Did Masked Announcer just say Zilla had a rusty hard-on?! How does HE know! I mean, I know it's possible and all...since Zilla probably hasn't had a booty call since rotary phones...but RUST?
NH: Shut up, Scotty. You're sick.
SW: Hey, you're a nurse! Wanna check my temperature....rectally? Oh yeah, I like it nasty, baby! (shuffles in his chair like he's about to bust a nut. And no, he's not sitting on a cashew.)
NH: You need help, Scotty. Really. Hey...check that out.
[Cut to aisle. Wes is seen rolling down the ramp alone, without Zilla, as "I Saw Your Mommy, and Your Mommy's Dead..." by Suicidal Tendancies, or was it The Dead Kennedys? Or The Dead Milkmen? I forget, but it's a skater punk classic. Barely noticable is the fishing line heading up to the rafters, and The Flunky tip-toeing across the ceiling's catwalk with a marionette handle. Wes delights the fans with an aisle leap over the top rope and into the ring. Amazing, huh?]
SW: WOW! Wes has some major hops, huh, Heidi? Look at that vertical!
NH: Oh brother...
NH: Just get the scooter in the ring and let's get this crap over with.
[Ginger rolls down the aisle as if by remote control device, nobody knows for sure. The Generic Ref begins tugging at his own ear and speaking jibberish. The GR lifts Ginger into the ring and begins twitching.]
SW: What's up with Ref? Is he on the sauce again? I thought AA cured him of his drinking problem...
NH: Are you serious? Arn Anderson's as bad as Blackjack Hooligan!
SW: Generic Ref just attacked Wes! He's stomping the hapless skateboard into oblivion!
NH: And Ginger…ummm, stands idly by and does nothing….
SW: Of course, Generic Ref has been mind controlled by Ginger! It's the only explanation!
NH: And probably a pretty easy job for Ginger as well, I'm sure Ref didn't have to much mind to take over.
SW: Generic's now gnawing through that fishing line! Wes is helpless, and motionless! Ref now putting Ginger on the upside down skateboard…he's counting Wes out as Ginger hooks the axle!
Crowd: One! TWO! THREE!
MA: Fans, the winner of the match…GINGER THE PSYCHOTIC SCOOTER!
SW: And in record time to boot!
NH: Well… that sucked. NAGAM hasn't changed a bit.
SW: Oh yes it has! Look at Generic! He's ballistic!
[A cut to the ring sees the Generic Ref foaming at the mouth. He rips off his referee shirt, jumps out of the ring, parts a couple lumberjack kiddies, and tears through the paltry gathering like a man possessed. 'Cause he is. He attacks a ringsider and delivers a poorly executed DDT.]
Generic Ref: DESTROY THE HUMANS! DESTROY THEM ALL!
[He runs off.]
NH: There's a lawsuit. Attacking a fan like that, Ref should be kissing his feet for the fan having shown up here at all. GR really showing his evil side tonight…
SW: Not to mention about 45 years of Krispie Kreme™ Donuts! Did you see that spare tire on Generic! Do some sit-ups or something, man!
NH: Oh, and like YOU have a six pack.
SW: I do! Every single night….
NH: That's the most believable thing you've said all night, Scotty. Anyway, looks like we're without a referee, we totally wasted the lumberjack kids angle, and we have a hardcore geek match coming up next. And what's up with that finish we just saw? That was totally bizarre and a waste of web space.
SW: Sure was! And I didn't expect a thing, and it made me look bad. Dammit! This is MY show! I need to know these things if crap is gonna be changed at the last second! I didn't even have an edit notice at all from scripts! Heads are gonna roll!
NH: Calm down, Scooter. Besides, never fear…I did a little officiating during BOB's vacation over at the Lesbian Coalition of Wrestling Rug Munchers, better known as the LCWRM. I'll just fill in for the hardcore match. I mean, the other match is a battle royal so I don't have to do anything there, and Bohemoth has the main event. Problem solved. Hand me Generic's shirt.
SW: You reffed in the Lesbo league?
NH: Yeah, and you should have seen the infamous "Lick My Kitty" match between ex-BOBsters Tuna Vachon and Lynette "Bull" Dykstra. They both wanted to lose so bad it was ridiculous…I earned my referee license for sure in that one.
SW: Have it on tape? Ah man, please tell me that's on video somewhere!
NH: Hmmmm. That's funny…do you smell bacon?
SW: Huh? Bacon?
NH: Yeah, I could've sworn there was A PIG around here. Oh well, I'm going to alter Generic's ref shirt to more my style, which means cleavage city and tied in a knot at the bottom. That is, right after I WASH it. Hold the fort until I get back.
SW: What?! Don't leave me out here alone! What about that program selling, queer-toe biker guy?! Heidi? Please, I'm begging!
[She leaves the announce table. And before too long….] PSQTBG: PROGRAMTHS!! GET YE PROGRAMTHS!! (approaches Scotty) Hi-ya, studboy. Wanna ride my Hard-ie Dick….inson? Vroom, vroom! (rubs own crotch)
[Jump cut to commercial]
YES FANS! It's right around the corner…BOB's Biggest PPV EVER! Just 26 weeks until WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE! Order now!
But first, you won't want to miss, BOB's return to March Mayhem™! That's right, 64 men, 64 teams, but only one ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! It's time to pull on those jerseys of teams you've never heard of before from all those small schools and cheer them on to the NCAA national championship! And maybe even some jerseys of teams you have heard of. Whatever! Just pull on a jersey, dammit!
It appears Billy Polar will become a "Dookie" and jump on the Duke Blue Devil bandwagon just like douja did last year…as douja rode the number 1 seed to become the first ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! Can Duke pull the repeat? The current OWCTM gets the top seed, and if Duke remains number-one until the end of the regular season, Polar will probably become a three-week supporter of the boys from Durham, N.C. Can Billy defy the odds and successfully defend his title against 63 other hopefuls? Or will Josh of the Kent State Krew get the number one seed with a win over Polar later tonight? Or will somebody else take Billy's strap before the seeds are drawn? Or will Duke totally choke and not go into the tournament ranked number 1 in the nation? Who will be the top four seeds? Will Heidi ever get that damned referee shirt ready? She has? Okay, cool. ORDER BOB'S MARCH MAYHEM®, then ORDER WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE! ONLY 26 WEEKS AWAY!
[Back to ringside, Scotty is tucking his shirt back in and combing his hair as The Ambulance Jockeys load a beaten biker looking guy on a gurney. The chair Nurse Heidi sat in earlier is a dented scrap heap of metal.]
SW: Alright fans, * ahem * let's turn it over to the Masked Announcer for our next contest.
MA: People with nothing better to do than to be here tonight, our next event of the evening was billed as a "Tools of Geekdom" Hardcore Match. And yes, it's for the "Are You Out Of Your Floppin'/Freakin'/Freekin'/Flippin'/Flockin'/or whatever version you wish to use/Friggin' Mind" Hardcore Title! Introducing first, weighing in tonight at something right around a buck 30 since he's a nerd…. lover of Star Trek, Star Wars, and maybe even Space Balls, the challenger…..THE GEEK!
[Eddie B. strikes up "It's Hip To Be Square" by Huey Lewis and The News as The Geek comes down the aisle. It's also obvious that Eddie B. has yet to get all his intro music out of pawn since BOB reopened and hopefully this is the last time I ever type "Huey Lewis and The News" again in my lifetime. The Geek struggles down to ringside with a duffel bag full of what could only be "tools of geekdom." He struggles again and then some lifting the bag into the ring, but he manages. He then enters the ring himself and mugs to the crowd, who give a modest golf clap in response.]
MA: And now… the guest referee. From Scotty Whatbody's wet dreams….
SW: You can say THAT again!
MA: ….but originally from Phoenix, Arizona. Fans, this is NURSE HEIDI!
[Eddie B. this time spins "Let Me Blow Your Mind" featuring Gwen Stefani… cause I don't care about the other chick, and somewhat redeems himself for the last song he played, and maybe even saving his street cred in the process. Heidi swaggers to the ring in a Jacqueline of the WWF-esque looking ref shirt and black spandex pants so tight it looks like she needed a shoe horn to get 'em on. Loud pop from the larger than before crowd, as a bunch of college aged guys have now entered the Y.M.C.A. from "Tony's Sports Bar" across the road upon hearing about Heidi in more revealing than usual clothing and possibly bending over to make a three count. She enters the ring…] MA: And now! The "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Champion, having lasted longer than anybody else at Gluttons For Punishment to capture the title….from "fill in the blank" later, weighing in tonight at "fill in the blank later"…this is "SMART"…..MARK…..GREEEEEEeeeeeeeeeen!
[Eddie B.'s respectability doesn't last long as he plays "Whatever "Smart" Mark's intro song of choice was if I ever decide to look at the bio page to see what it is" by "whoever plays or sings it". Clive turns the camera to the ramp….nothing. Eddie B. tries again as he starts the song over, Clive focuses…..still nothing. The Flunky drops a memo from the rafters, then goes back to trying to untangle himself from a jumbled ball of fishing line. Masked Announcer retrieves the memo.]
MA: Your attention please.… since Mark Green has not interviewed in close to a month, if not longer than a month, even after winning a title here in BOB, thus pissing off management who was so gracious to push a newbie this quick, and wasting a slot on the Hall of Shame ala G.I. Slow (who never interviewed even one time), Mark Green has been STRIPPED of the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Title. Therefore, the winner by default, and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! "AYOOYFM" Hardcore champion…..THE GEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeek!
SW: WOW! What a turn of events this has become! Two matches down and we haven't seen s(censored)it yet! Whoops! Forgot we're back on network. Wait a minute, who's THAT?!
[A guy in his late teens jumps in the ring holding a PC monitor over his head.]
Intruder as he speaks to The Geek: Dude, you're gettin' a Dell.
* THUMP! *
SW: HEY! It's that Steve kid from t.v., the guy that does those cheesy Dell commercials! He just punked the newly crowned champ! The Geek's been busted open™! (busted open is a registered trademark of Brawler's on a Budget. Any other federation commentator that uses that phrase owes us money, so pay up. And yes, that's a lie. Just kidding, J.R.)
SW: Steve is high-tailing it out of there, and now The Geek has managed to get to his feet, and he has the mic!
The Geek: Do pardon me, but I'm convinced you have violated my personal space with an excruciatingly unprovoked attack. So, I deduct the square root of intolerance to your conglomeration of premeditated interference and quite honestly do invite you back in this cubed battleground of physical combat and endurance…. so that I may reduce your cranium into miniscule particles via blunt trauma of grandiose proportions.
SW: That sounds like a challenge to me! Steve's rubbing his chin and contemplating the offer….
Steve: (from the aisle and another mic. YES! We have two!) Dude, you can go to Dell. Ummm, I mean Hell. You put up that title, and I'm there, dude. But not tonight.
The Geek: You name the date of your inevitable demise and I will most certainly make superior effort to be in the same venue.
Steve: How about at HARDxCORE POLARVIZION? It's the 'hardcore' title, right? Put it up there and I'll beat your geeky little ass!
The Geek: I wholeheartedly doubt an insignificant threat such as that will ever transpire. But I digress. If you truly entertain the propensity to administer a beating as the one you have suggested, one which is immensely preposterous to fathom I might add, I do hereby accept and await your aforementioned quest to lift your foot upon my gluteus.
SW: Ummmm, yeah. Sounds to me like The Geek has found his first opponent for his first title defense to be held at HCPV! And it also sounds like The BigBOSS has rehired Webster D. Thesaurus to write character dialogue again. Anyhoo, Heidi is still in the ring…and it's time to decide those tag-team titles! Masked Announcer is back, so let's go to him now for the very lax rules!
MA: People that have been gracious enough to still be here, this next event is a tag-team battle royal to decide the "Four Play" Tag-Team Champions! The STWF, MBPD, RDWF, and the BOB's YGHF tag-team titles are all up for grabs. The rules are simple, if one man from a team is thrown over the top rope and down to the floor, his TEAM is eliminated. Example: if Too Fat Matt of Too Lame is eliminated…then Slightly Gay Ray is ALSO eliminated even though it was Matt that was thrown over the top rope. Easy, isn't it? Pretty basic, right-o? Then…. LET'S GET IT ON!
[Eddie B. puts all his club skills to test, with a dazzling display of mixing expertise. Voice over hears "We're Gonna Lame You Up" with a background beat of Gary Glitter's "Rock N Roll Part 2". A quick snippet of "Living La Vida Loca/with a little Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up" is overdubbed by Sade's lyrics 'No Need To Ask, He's The Smooth Operator". Some scratchin' is added, with a little wikki wikki wikki wikki… shut-up. Then Janet Jackson's "Nasty Boys" is mixed in while the theme to NBC's ER with some bumpin' is heard. A do-wop diddy is plugged through and the theme to X-Files is briefly added. Next we have some generic house beat pumped in followed by "Hello Mother, Hello Father" by Dr. Demento. The teams start filing out…]
MA: And now, directly from curtain jerking status, this is Too Fat Matt and Slightly Gay Ray…..TOO LAME! Following them are first, formerly of the NHL and during BOB's layoff, the farm league hockey squad Macon Whoopee (real team, I swear!) this is Jean Bannister! His partner, from such porno classics like the Roman Empire era "Glad-he-ate-her" and the WWII era "Pearl (Necklace) Harbor"…this is Sir Hungalot! Together, they are….PAIN AND PLEASURE! Next, from every teeny-bopper's poster filled wall, this is Brandon "the Bitch Smacker", and "Totally Packaged" Jim, from The Kent State Krew, joined-up, they are….TOTALLY BITCH SMACKING PACKAGES! Out next is * the former Four Play Tag-Team champions… "The Smooth Operator", DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS! Following him, Necro Phil and Beastie Al, THE REALLY NASTY BOYS! And now, Garry 'the Gurney' Greene, 'Backboard' Barry Brown…. THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS! Lady and Gentleman, please welcome our next team, this is Sculder and Mully…. THE AGENCY! And finally, from every American's nightmare… Sgt. Walker and Terra Rism…. they are? Ummmm, A COUPLE A-HOLES!
[Crowd cheers M.A.'s ad lib]
Abdullah Fullah Shiite at ringside: HEY! You bastard!
MA: Kiss my ass, turban boy!
[Crowd cheers again]
MA: And now, welcome back….MIKE "THE MONOTONE" MONROE!
SW: WHAT? Monroe is SMP's partner? BWAAAA HAAA HAAAA!
[Mike joins Scotty at ringside]
MM: I heard that, Whatbody. You think that's funny? Well, how funny is THIS? Since Heidi is officiating this match, you're doing the call with ME. I'm BACK!
SW: Oh joy. Just remember whose show this is, buddy.
MM: Just remember who makes MORE money, pal.
SW: I do.
MM: You do? Liar! Hey, the Dick….er, the Doc has a mic.
[Cut to ring]
SMP: Watch it, Monroe! Don't think I didn't hear that. I know you all pissed 'cause I fired your dumb ass at Gluttons for not kissing my butt, but I see The BigBOSS saved you from unemployment.
SW: But not by much…this isn't exactly far from poverty.
SMP: Shut up, Whatbody!
SW: What'd I do?!
SMP: I said CAN IT, you twit! Monroe, I'll deal with you later…right after I get finished throwing all this GARBAGE out of MY ring and getting my titles back. Then I'm getting in BigBOSS' crap like unchewed corn for taking MY fed away. But first, before all that… it's time to introduce the man that'll help me regain the "Four Play" Championship! Hit…the….MUSIC!
[Creepy pipe organ music plays as a looming figure appears at the top of the ramp.]
MM: HOLY COW! Breaking through French Cut waistbands and T-Back G-strings…. It's THE UNDIETAKER!
SW: I thought for sure I'd be Homicidal Hank, or that douja would make a return! What a shocker! The Undietaker, 6 foot 9 and 338 pounds of skivvie stealing monster!
[The Undietaker lumbers down the aisle and steps over the tope rope, Heidi signals for the royal to begin.]
MM: I can't understand why SMP would choose The Undietaker, they have no prior affiliation at all.
SW: Figure it out, Monroe… look at the guy! He's the biggest one in there! Well, just a 'bit' bigger than Rism who's at 6-8 and 335.
MM: WAIT! Look at that! He just grabbed SMP around the neck! He's now reaching into The Doc's black trousers and Plants struggles to get away…. UT pulls up a handful of SMP's silk boxers! WEDGIE AIDED CHOKESLAM FROM HELL!
SW: That stupid Undietaker must have thought SMP challenged him instead of wanting him to be his partner! Undie scoops a limp SMP off the mat and throws him over the top rope! NO!
MA from ringside: SMP and The Undietaker have been eliminated!
SW: THAT BONEHEAD!
MM: I can't help but laugh at that, couldn't have happened to a nicer guy! And now with that skirmish over with it's everybody going at it! Mully is getting bitch slapped by Brandon! Necro Phil is trying to hoist Slightly Gay Ray over the top rope! Bannister and Hungalot are doubling up Barry Brown! It chaos in there now!
SW: And with SMP gone right off the bat, we're going to have new champions!
MM: What an impressive array of tag-teams we have in there, too. Pain and Pleasure, the ONLY teams in history to have held the STWF's 3-4-1 titles and BOB's YGHF titles! And then there was SMP, the only man to have held the 3-4-1's and the YGHF's with two different partners… Luke Warm in the STWF as The Mama'z Boyz and here with douja as Smooth and Choc….I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT!
SW: And what about The Ambulance Jockeys, who started it all when they defeated the STWF tag-team champions The Techie Salesmen from Hell when The Jocks were the MBPD tag-team champs and unified the belts? They began this thing and at that moment the Dopplecrown Tag-Team titles were born!
MM: Yep, and then The Head Trauma Boys Flatline and Coma added the RDWF tag-team when they won the STWF and MBPD belts, thus creating the 3-4-1's!
SW: Then SMP and douja robbed Pain and Pleasure of the YGHF titles, and SMP still had the 3-4-1's with Luke Warm from the defunct STWF, combined them and now we have the Four Play Titles!
MM: And while we were taking that stroll down memory lane and giving both our new fans a history lesson, Too Fat Matt was tossed over the top rope by Sculder!
MA: Too Lame has been eliminated!
SW: Sculder? Hey, that reminds me… even The Agency won the 3-4-1's!
MM: Quite a star-studded royal, huh Scotty?
SW: Not really….
MM: Hey, I just thought of something… since Flatline and Coma were once champions, why aren't they in this thing?
[Cue. Cut to backstage area®]
[Flatline, Coma, Claude Leroux, and Homicidal Hank are seen smoking cigars and are at a card table littered with beer cans. Behind them is a banner that has the letters "A.P.A." on it. One could only assume it stands for "A Pathetic Agency". But then that might confuse people into thinking about Sculder and Mully. Perhaps it means… "Anemic Protection Agency". Or maybe, "Another Poor Acronym". Possibly…ah, skip it. Dennis is there to get the scoop, along with KamKorder Kid.]
Dennis: I say, old bird… why aren't you lads in the tag-team royal?
Flatline: Ummm, like, we're busy and stuff.
Coma: Dixie Carter licked my rutabagas! Surf the dandruff! Nurfle….
Flatline: Uh-rah, like Go Fish, dude.
[Back to ringside.]
MM: OOOOooooookay. Well fans, while we were backstage, Garry Greene and Sir Hungalot both tumbled over the top rope and eliminated their teams The Ambulance Jockeys and Pain and Pleasure! Two favorites are gone!
SW: It's wide open now! Mully just caught a clothesline from Jim! Beastie Al just took a suplex from Sgt. Walker in which resulted in Brandon getting kicked upside the head! Necro Phil's getting choked out by Terra Rism!
MM: Four teams remain and four are out! And 3 of the 4 out were probably thought to win it! There goes Brandon over the top by Sgt. Walker! But Brandon didn't go to the floor, Heidi right there to make sure he didn't touch.
SW: I wish that stupid Al would get eliminated….
MM: Yeah, I heard you had quite a time with his pet at GFP.
SW: SHUDDAP! Don't bring that up! I'm still trying to get Heidi to stop mailing me dog biscuits!
MM: Dropkick by Jim staggers Sculder, who then catches a double axe-handle to the shoulder blades from Necro Phil! OH! DDT on Terra Rism by Beastie Al! Walker now coming over and OH MY! ATOMIC HEAD RUB ON BEASTIE AL!
* WHAP! *
SW: Didn't last long though, as Sarge just got blindsided by Mully! This thing is out of control!
MM: Mully is setting up Walker for an Irish whip…there it is! NO! Reversal by the turncoat and Mully goes over the top!
MA: The Agency has been eliminated!
MM: That's too bad, I would have loved to see them win it.
SW: What? They NEVER win!
MM: We're down to three teams, The Kent Staters, The REALLY Nasty Boys, and the combination of Walker and Terra Rism. Keep an eye on Fullah Shiite….this would be a good time for him to interfere!
SW: Oh yeah, go ahead and ruin it, Mike. Where's Kay Fabe when you need her? And believe me, I NEED her! WHOO HOO!
MM: There goes Shiite, he's on the apron! And now Jim has him by that pasted on, Viet Kong torso beard and his pummeling the hell out of him! Yeah! U-S-A!
SW: Why don't you go stick a flag on your car, Mike?
MM: Necro Phil now moving up behind Jim for a sneak attack! But Jim ducks and sends Phil over the top rope!
SW: But The Lecherous Coroner is holding on! He has Jim around the ankle and is clinging for dear life! Jim now trying to kick him loose as Shiite claws at Jim's eyes!
MM: Meanwhile, Sgt. Walker and Terra Rism are doing a number on Brandon and Beastie Al! Beastie just got clocked and dropped by Walker, and now the Sarge has Brandon and whips him towards Rism…..OH! Terra Rism hit him with that massive, deformed, 35 inch bicep! What a clothesline! Formerly the "Rice Cannon", I'm sure that American hater has come up with something new like "Clothesline from Osama with Love".
SW: That's real nice, Mike. Good one. How about the "Allah-line?"
MM: And you made fun of MINE? HEY! Look at this… Chuck Fulcher is on his way to ringside!
SW: NO! Not Stinkbutt Nastyass!
MM: That's him! HEY! He can't do that! He's trying to push Necro Phil back into the ring! It appears Stinkbutt has joined The REALLY Nasty Boys!
SW: Makes sense to me, 'cause HE'S nasty!
MM: Nurse Heidi trying to thwart Stinkbutt's cheating while Walker and Rism nail Brandon with a Dudley Death Drop!
* FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! *
SW: GOOD LORD, CHUCK JUST BROKE WIND! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
MM: Necro falls to the floor! The REALLY Nasty Boys are history!
SW: But that stench isn't! Somebody get us some Glade™ out here and don't ANYBODY light a match!
MA: * cough * The REALLY Nasty * gag* Boys have been eliminated! * dry heave *
MM: (fanning the air) It's down to Brandon and Jim and Walker and Rism! One of those two teams are going to be the NEW Four Play Tag-Team Champions!
SW: Hype it, buddy! Jim is still having his problems with Fullah Shiite as Sgt. Walker and Terra Rism are setting Brandon up for another double team maneuver! Rism has Brandon in a full nelson and Walker is moving in! Jim's busy trying to rescue ref Heidi from the evil clutches of Shiite!
MM: YES! Brandon with a kick to Walker's Bob Remus sized chin! A mule kick catches Terra Rism in his gunny-sack! All right!
SW: Jim just hammered Fullah to the floor and is now charging across the ring towards Walker…
MM: Oh man, you never charge across the ring in a battle royal!
SW: And THAT'S why! Walker just back dropped Jim over the top! NO! I mean, I like heels, and I really hate the Kent State Krew, but even I with my heel support status can't even like Walker and Terra Rism!
MA: Brandon and Jim have been eliminated…the winners of the match, and NEEEEeeeeeeeeeew! FOUR PLAY TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS! SGT. WALKER AND TERRA RISM!
[Crowd boos vehemently.]
MM: America's Nightmare has been realized! We now have a third 'day of infamy'!
SW: And what a stunner! These guys came out of nowhere and won the tag-team titles in their very first match! And Brandon and Jim aren't too happy about it either! They've attacked the new champs!
MM: And here comes the fan tossed debris! This crowd very upset with this outcome!
SW: Walker and Rism quickly leave the ring and run to the back…the ring is filling up OUCH! Are we in Cleveland? Did the refs screw up another Brown's game? OUCH!
MM: I don't know, but we need to get this ring cleared out HEY! STOP THAT! OUCH! Fans, we're going to break for a brief intermission/ring clutter removal and then we'll be back for THE MAIN EVENT!
[Backstage, SMP is seen digging the wedgie out of his butt crack and he doesn't appear to be too happy. Clive and KamKorder Kid are there.]
SMP: (still picking at his ass) The first one of you lackeys that ask me if I'm going to the movies is gonna die! Where is that sumbitch Undietaker at? Where is he?! That (bleep) damn underwear stealin' FREAK cost me MY tag-team titles, so he MUST suffer. Doesn't he KNOW who I am? I'm SMP, dammit! I'm The Smooth Operator! I BEAT LUKE WARM! I did! Where is he?! Dammit, Dennis....WHERE IN THE F(bleep) IS THAT (bleep)(bleep) (bleeeeeeeeeep) STINKIN', LOW LIFE (bleep)(bleep) GRAB ASS-TIC PIECE OF AMPHIBIAN DOG SH(bleep)?!
Dennis: In his locker room, old chap. Right over there...
SMP: Oh yeah?! Well, he better be glad I don't have a key or I'd be in there kicking his (bleep)ing ass!
Dennis: I'm sure it's not locked, in fact...there door's not even shut all the way. Look...
SMP: SHUDDAP, FOOL! I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT JIBBER JABBAH! (uncomfortable pause) Undietaker! You will pay for what you've done, I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse....then I'm going to get knee deep in your pooter, pal! You like underwear, huh? You like stealing underwear, is that it? Well, it just so happens I'm in tight with the owner of some grade-A drawers...and I challenge you. Oh yes, I'm GETTING my revenge. I'm challenging you at the next NAGAM, HARDxCORE POLARVIZION or Monday Mayhem, it doesn't make a damn to me...in a PANTIES ON A POLE MATCH! You win, you keep 'em. Hell, I win, I might keep 'em too. That's right, I'm talking to Nurse Heidi later tonight...and it'll be HER panties on the pole! Get 'em if you can, LIVE if I'm in a good mood! YOU RAT BASTARD! (he storms off, still trying to relieve himself of a massive, silk boxer wedgie. Back to ringside)
SW: NO WAY! Heidi's panties? ON A POLE?! I'll put 'em "on a pole". And HER on a pole! WHOO HOO!
MM: He said a pole, not a toothpick...
SW: HEY! What do you mean by THAT, buddy?!
MM: Well, if Batman and Robin made condoms, you'd be wearing "Boy Wonder".
SW: Oh yeah, and like YOU'RE Sir Hugalot!
MM: Oh? And like YOU'RE Sir Hungalot!
SW: I'm Sir Hungalot compared to YOU, Monroe!
MM: Ummm hmmm. Sure you are. (holds up pinky)
SW: Mike, I'm about this close.....(holds up hands about a foot apart) THIS CLOSE....to smacking you out of that chair.
MM: Ummm hmmm.
SW: STOP THAT!
[Nurse Heidi joins the two, just in time it looks like from this disembodied narrator's opinion.]
NH: Alright, guys...let's chill on the small weenie thingee. We have a main event coming up. Eddie B. has cleaned the ring, so we're ready. Anybody seen Flunky? Just wondering why he didn't clean up the ring.
Eddie B. in the sound booth: Yeah, I be wonderin' why dat beeotch didn't clean tha ring, too. Muddah (bleep)er
[Cut to rafters, Flunky is hanging from a gurter by fishing line and turning slightly blue. But we'll pretend we didn't see that though. Back to ringside.]
SW: Okay, let's get the is show on the road. Let's bring out the special ring announcer!
[Kurt Angle's music plays as Kurt Angel walks down the aisle, the crowd immediately starts to chant "YOU SUCK" in the appropriate intervals. Kurt, pissed beyond typed description, rolls into the ring and grabs the stick]
KA: SHUT-UP! You unoriginal morons!
KA: You think I need to put up with THAT crap?
KA: Oh God, no....
KA: I'm NOT Kurt Angle!
KA: I SAID DAMMIT!
KA: Okay that's it, announce your own friggin' match. I'm outta here! Screw the OWTTM, screw getting back into Heaven, I can't take this anymore! Besides, I like Marilyn Manson better than Creed anyway!
KA: What,what, what? I QUIT!
KA: I SAID I QUIT!
KA: DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL
[Kurt drops the mic and stomps back up the aisle. Never to be seen again?]
SW: Wow! Kurt Angel just condemned himself to life on Earth! And we don't have an announcer. Quick, have Dennis find The Masked Announcer and get him out here!
[Backstage, Dennis is seen going into MA's locker room....the snack bar. MA is seen getting a coffee, dressed only in his underwear and hood...surrounded by a "ho train".]
Dennis: I say, old bean...they NEED you to announce the main event!
MA: I'm getting ready to GET IT ON! Go away!
Dennis: Jolly Good! See you later.
[Back to ringside]
SW: Okay, Mike...I hate to say to this, but I need you, buddy. Announce the main event?
MM: Why don't you do it?
SW: This is MY show!
MM: Then you should do it then...
SW: Come on, Mike! Okay, you're closer to Sir Hungalot than I am.
[Mike pokes out his chest and starts into the ring]
SW: (uncrossing fingers) HA! Sucker...
NH: Oh brother...
MM: This is the main event! But first, introducing our special time keeper. This is DEAN KAMEN AND GINGER!
[Crowd boos as Kamen and his psychotic scooter come down the aisle.]
MM: And now, our special guest commentators...the Swiss Army Champion SARAH THE JOBBER SLAYER! And her special commentator, THAT STYLES GUY!
[Modest pop as Sarah and Styles come down to ringside, Sarah has with her a basket loaded with bananas. They join Heidi and Scotty at ringside]
MM: And now, the challenger...from Kent Ohio, weighing in at 175 pounds and at 6' 2"...this is "The Massive Man"....KENT STATE KREW'S JOSH!
[Hordes of girls yet to sprout grass on the playing field give off a high pitched scream of ear splitting decibels, as Eddie B. pipes in some N'Sync concert crowd noise effects along with "Liquid Dreams" by O-Town. Josh struts to the ring trying to look serious, slides under the bottom rope and mounts a turnbuckle. The turnbuckle later filed rape charges.]
MM: And now, the special referee for this contest...from Charleston, West Virginia...and looking like the bastard child of a whale and a zebra...THIS IS BOHEMOTH!
SW: Oh man, Mike has Masked Announcer down pat!
["In the Hall Of the Mountain King" by Greig plays. Bo lumbers down to the ring and stares down Mike]
MM: Sorry, Bo...just reading the card. *ahem* AND NOW! Here he is, making his first defense of his title, the most important man in the biz...THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS....THE GREAT WHITE LUCHADOR, BIL-LY POOOOoOOooooooooo-LAR!
[Eddie B. spins Pink Floyd's "Money" as Billy swaggers down the aisle with all the confidence of Chris Jericho. Who? He stops and showboats a little in the aisle before proceeding to the ring, drops his oversized, poorly decorated title on the announce table and leaps over the top rope. Winks at Heidi.]
NH: He's so gross. I hope Josh wins and puts that arrogant Polar in his place once and for all. I'll never forgive him for spreading that rumor I was pregnant.
SW: You mean you wasn't?
NH: NO! I wasn't!
Sarah: Oh by the way, Heidi? Kay Fabe wanted me to tell you she's a REALLY big fan of yours. She told me she wanted you to pretend your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year's. I don't know why....something about spending time up between the holidays...
SW: WHOO HOO! Book that, BigBOSS! I'll buy a rindside seat to that anyday!
Styles: You have a lot of funny lines, Scotty, too bad they're all in your face.
SW: What? You better watch who you're talking to, pal. THIS IS MY SHOW!
Styles: And a damn good one, too. Which has been greatly improved by my appearance here.
MM: Nice to finally meet you, Sarah.
Sarah: Hold still, I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
SW: BWAA HAA HAAA!
NH: Hey, that match has started! Josh and Billy with a collar and elbow tie-up. Billy shoves Josh across the ring and flexes his spindly arms. What a joke!
Sarah: He should go on a talent-search. Maybe he'll find some.
NH: Oooh, I like you already, Sarah.
MM: Josh is back up and a goes for a leg, Billy kicks him off and taunts him! Bo right there to keep Billy in line!
SW: This isn't fair! Bo will never keep this thing unbiased, he hates Billy for what happened at PPV only on PPV!
MM: Billy and Josh lock up again, Polar with a knee to the gut and whips Josh across the ring, misses a clothesline...Josh with a cross body! The cover! ONETWO! Kickout!
SW: That count was too fast! Bo is cheating! Billy now getting in Bohemoth's face...Josh with a school boy roll from behind! ONETWO! Dammit, Bo! Be fair!
NH: This is great!
MM: Billy now opening up on the challenger! The champ with several right hands, and Bo's telling him to unclench his fists! Billy's pissed! He's distracted! Dropkick by Josh!
Styles: THAT WAS EXTREME!!!!!
MM: Josh now has Billy up and sends the champ across the ring and into the corner! He's on him now! I love this part...ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX!
SW: Come on, Bo! Break that up!
[Sarah starts eating a banana, making suggestive noises as she gulps it down.]
SW: (looking at Sarah seductively eat the banana, complete with a tantalizind deep throat action.) OH MY GOD!
Styles: HEY! QUIT STEALING MY LINES!
SW: Shut-up, dummy! Hey Sarah, I have to say...you're hot! And I love what you doing with that banana! Can I call you sometime?
Sarah: You can call me Sarah.
SW: No, I mean CALL you! Like, we can go out and stuff, have a few drinks....
SW: Oh yeah, baby! I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Sarah: You know what really turns me on?
Sarah: Dead bodies. Why don't you go kill yourself, then we'll talk.
MM: BWAAA HAA HAA!
Sarah: What are you laughing at?
MM: Who me?
Sarah: Yeah, you...
MM: Sorry if I offended you.
NH: Stop sucking up, Mike.
Sarah: No, it's okay...I'm enjoying talking to you, Mike... my mind needed a rest.
SW: OUCH! Sucks to be you, Monroe!
NH: Billy just hit a reverse DDT! The cover! one..........
SW: HEY! Come on, Bo!
MM: Still covering......two.
Styles: And Josh kicks out! What a great effort!
Sarah: Yeah, BigBoss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
MM: Billy now with a side headlock, Josh shoves him off and Billy rebounds off the ropes....shoulder block drops Josh! Now Billy again off the ropes, Josh stays down and Billy goes over, off the far side now....Josh is up. Hiptoss!
Styles: OH MY GOD! THAT WAS EXTREME!
MM: Yeah. Whatever. Josh is quickly going for a Boston Crab, Billy rolls away and kicks Josh right in the nads! The champ is playing dirty!
NH: And Bo is quick to reprimand Billy. I hope Bo knocks him out.
SW: I don't know about knocking him out, but I'd like to knock you up, Sarah. WHOO HOO! You sure about not letting me call you? I'm I real animal.
Sarah: I heard you LIKE animals.
SW: Damn you, Heidi! You told her about Beastie Al's dog, didn't you?!
NH: My lips are sealed...
Styles: That's not what I heard!
SW: Come on, Sarah....I'd go through anything for you.
Sarah: Good! Let's start with your bank account and credit cards.
MM: Josh going for a little Rolling Thunder...Billy brings his knees up and nails him right in the small of the back! Billy now picks up the youngster and throws him through the ropes! He's following him to the outside!
SW: Are you positive, Sarah? You sure you don't want some of this? If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Sarah: Yeah, but if I saw YOU naked, I'd die laughing.
NH: Give it up, Scotty...
MM: Billy has a chair! He's going to try and get himself disqualified! He knows Bo is lopsided in his officiating!
Styles: Not to mention in his car, too. Probably has to drive on two wheels, how fat IS that guy?
NH: Bo has taken the chair from Billy and demands he get back in the ring. Billy's not budging!
MM: Bo just scooped Billy up and THREW him back in the ring! Josh is now back in...Billy just fired a chop at Bo!
NH: And with no effect, I might add...
MM: Wait! Bo just grabbed Billy....PILEDRIVER! He's pointing at Josh to cover him!
SW: This is crap!
MM: And here comes SMP to the ring with a purpose!
Sarah: I agree. Even he has a purpose, you can use him as a bad example of a wrestler.
MM: Josh is going to the top rope! KREW DROP! KREW DROP! Billy just pulled up between Attitude Avenue and We I.D. Boulevard...AND CHECKED INTO THE KREW DROP INN!
NH: Nice "Waltons" reference, Mike. *sigh* Only you would know the hotel on "The Waltons" was called the Dew Drop Inn.
MM: Hey, I liked "The Waltons"...
SW: Josh is going for the pin! NO! We're going to have a new champion!
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THR-AWWWWW!
MM: SMP just tackled Bohemoth!
NH: He said he was going to do it...he is "The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling" after all.
Sarah: You don't say? When God was handing out gimmicks, everyone in BOB must have been on an acid trip.
MM: Bo is up, and stares down SMP...who qucikly begs off and buys time for Billy. Josh is still covering the champ and smacking the mat!
SW: HEY! Bo just clocked SMP! And here comes Homicidal Hank!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Chaos, panic, and disorder...BOB's work here is done.
MM: Bo is making the count again....
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THR-AWWWWWW!
SW: Hank pulled Bo out of the ring by his ankle!
NH: No small feat, either...
SW: Sarah, you still want to go out with me?
Sarah: Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
SW: You better watch it, sister. I have some pull around here, you know. I have my own show! I could get you blackballed if I want to.
Sarah: Don't get me wrong, I like it here. People owe a lot to BOB...depression, nausea, diarrhea, impotence....
MM: Bo and Hank are battling it out on the floor! Bo just sent Hank's hand and face into the ring post!
NH: The Doc's back in the ring, stomps Josh who was still pinning Billy...picks him up....
SW: NIPPLE CUTTER! WHOO HOO!
Styles: Oh my GOD! His get up and go just got up and went!
MM: SMP just rolled Billy over on Josh and sneaks back out. WAIT! Here comes Brandon and Jim!
NH: And Bo is still pounding on Hank!
MM: The Kent State Krew is not going to be cheated again...Brandon and Jim are in the ring, SMP is back in, Bo just sent Hank into the Flimsy Guardrial™ !
SW: SMP with a wild swing at Brandon, blocked! Brandon starts punching away at Plants while Jim goes after Polar! It's a donnybrook in Donnybrook!
NH: Good one, Scotty. That sucked, way too predictable.
Styles: I beg to differ, as a failure, you are a fantastic success, Scotty.
MM: Plants has been chased from the ring by Brandon, and now Brandon and Jim have Billy! Double Fame-ASS-er! They cover Billy with Josh and jump out of the ring!
SW: But luckily Bo is busy beating the snot out of Hank and can't count Billy out!
Bo: (outside the ring) Hank, you have a booger, old buddy.
Hank: Thanks, man. Nothing worse that having a "hanger" on television. (wipes nose, Bo goes back to punching him)
MM: You're right, Scotty....Bo can't make the count!
NH: But -I- can! I am wearing a ref shirt, after all. Oh, this is going to be sweet revenge! (Heidi starts to the ring)
SW: NO WAY! She hates Billy as much as Bo does!
MM: We're getting a new champ!
SW: Hey Sarah, wanna do it after the show?
Sarah: It's okay, Mike. He's about to have a speech impediment. My foot.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
MM: Yeah, gotta love Heidi bending over to make a three count! And here it comes!
SW: Oh yeah, I feel it too! (squirms in chair)
Crowd: ONE! TWO! ........
MM: WAIT! Heidi stopped the count!
MM: WHAT THE HELL? She picks Josh up, and kicks him in the balls! HEID-I-GREE! HEID-I-GREE! HEID-I-GREE!
SW: WHOO HOO!
MM: Heidi drags Billy over Josh...and counts!
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!
SW: Yeah, baby!
MM: That was total bull...wiat, Heidi has the mic!
NH: Hey, Josh...you little punk! Remember at Gluttons for Punishment when I thanked you for saving BOB by eliminating XXXTreme Machine from the rumble? And I TOLD you to call me? Well, you didn't. AND NOBODY STANDS ME UP!
NH: So go back to your little no-breasts having girlfriends and wonder what it's like to be with a REAL WOMAN! With REAL FAKE BREASTS!
[Crowd boos some more]
NH: Come on, Billy...you're getting lucky tonight!
MM: I'll say he already did! Billy has escaped with THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! And now Sarah will meet Billy Polar in a title vs. title match! It'll be Sarah against the self proclaimed most charismatic man in BOB!
Sarah: Charismatic? He's got one of those personalities that darkens a room. No wonder BOB's production looks so cruddy.
Styles: Yeah, and he won't be so lucky next time. People who wrestle Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" have as much of a future as an ice cube. He's one of those people who would be enormously improved by death, and will be after Sarah slays that jobber.
SW: Jobber? He's the champ!
Styles: Your point? I'm not worried about Polar.
Sarah: Me, either. Someday soon, he will leave his job due to illness. BigBoss will get sick and tired of him.
MM: Look at this! The Kent State Krew is pissed! They're back in! Brandon has chased Billy Polar out of there, Jim chases Heidi off, SMP and Hank with them gesturing threats. Bo is back in the ring! Josh is coming around as well!
[The lights go out...and "We I.D." starts to play. The Kent State Krew starts to dance, very badly, under what appears to be disco lights. Bo joins in doing an ill-advised pop-lock routine as The Flunky simulates the disco lights, struggling to free himself from the rafters and fishing line and is bumping into every light within reach.]
MM: LOOK AT BO! YOU GO, BIG GUY!
SW: Oh no...don't even tell me. The.....Hip.......Hop.....Hip-Bo?
[Mike, Sarah, and Styles all "boo"]
SW: Oh well, we're out of time! Fans, be sure to catch HARDxCORE POLARVIZION, and I'm not sure what Dean Kamen's purpose was here tonight....I think I'll wake him up and ask. So, for Mike Monroe, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Styles, and Nurse Heidi...I'm Scotty Whatbody. Good night and good riddance!
©2002 BOB Wrestling! Yes, even in a new year our product still sucks.