We want crack!
[The show opens with a camera at the bottom of a stepladder in the middle of the ring. The camera pulls back to reveal the four most important steps. Hanging over the stepladder on some sort of fishing rod line set up is a briefcase. The fishing rod is duct taped to one of the corner turnbuckles.]
Scotty Whatbody: Greetings fans. And welcome to BOB NAGAM !&. Oops forgot to take the finger off the shift key. 17!!!
Nurse Heidi: That has to be a record for breaking kayfabe.
Mark Shill: I don't see Kay Fabe out here.
[We cut to a ringside table.]
SW: I am joined of course by the most desired woman of our viewers from age 55 to 70, Nurse Heidi, and *cough*tonyschiavone*cough* Mark Shill!
MS: Tonight fans, it will be the biggest match in BOB's history!
SW: For once, you're right. Strange that such huge stakes would be in the hands of two little people.
NH: Irony? In BOB? Couldn't be. The writers aren't smart enough for that sort of thing.
MS: As you saw, hanging precariously above the ring is the right to creative control in BOB.
SW: (Under his breath) An empty briefcase.
NH: What? You were expecting the bosses to actually have ideas in them?
SW: Paper is expensive. Well, unlike those other 'successful' shows BOB competes with that are all the number one program on cable TV today
NH: And amazingly employ all the same people.
SW: We're not going to force you to wait through two hours of entertainment...
[Nurse Heidi coughs.]
SW: ...before the big match. Why wait for pay-per-view?
NH: Who knows if we'll even still be in business by the next one!
MS: Because the LilBoss wants to get rid of a cancer infecting BOB. The iAd. The incurable Apathy disorder.
SW: We know Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent and Seth Harker are in the building. There has been a marked increased in bad language, empty liquor bottles and scantily clad women.
MS: We in BOB do not condone their so-called type of entertainment.
SW: Speak for yourself! But who is the mystery opponent? Their little man who will try to steal control of BOB?
[Suddenly, two men in black suits, wearing sunglasses, listening to ear pieces, are standing behind the announcers. They look like they could be secret service or FBI. They look around suspiciously and move away. None of the announcers seem to notice.]
NH: We've had a camera out back all day. But unfortunately, we didn't have any film in it. Budget problems. So the mystery midget could be anywhere.
SW: Heidi, take off your dress.
SW: He could be under your dress. Or...well, Billy said there's a lot of room, uh...in the emergency room.
NH: What else did Billy say? I don't believe you.
SW: Uhh. He said, "I'm from Harvard, damnit!"
NH: Yep, that's Billy. Well (she says with a sigh).
MS: Let's head to the ring for this colossal match!
[The camera cuts backstage. There is a line of BOB 'talent' outside the iAd office.]
SW: How do they have an office? And where's the BigBoss?
NH: I haven't seen him all day. Of course, reliable and BigBoss in the same sentence is very rare. I think that last sentence was the first time ever.
SW: In line, we see Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon, XXXtreme Machines, Streetmime, Gump, Fire Chief, Too Lame, all the members of the sad jobber crew.
[The door opens.]
MS: Who will step out! The tension is unBEARable!
[Out step Trey Vincent, Seth Harker and Steve Studnuts. Studs closes the door behind him.]
MS: The iAd IS HERE!
SW: Uh, no kidding. We told them that already.
TV: All you guys have been held down long enough. After we win the opening match, we're finally going to give the Internet crowd what they want. To push the truly talented and let people earn their shots.
SS: Since you are all so very talented, you're finally going to get your shot. You can ride on our coattails as we bring BOB into a new era. The Studly-TV era, ya dig?
SH: And all these rumors about us wanting to close this place? Vicious lies.
TV: Vicious. We've been misquoted since day one. The bosses have doctored tape after tape. All we need to know, are you on the train?
[The group roars in approval.]
TV: Now get the f*** out of here and get ready to make us proud.
[The jobbers all head elsewhere.]
SS: F***in' idiots.
TV: Man, it's gonna be so easy to use these idiots.
SH: It's not like any of them can afford a VCR on these salaries. We can just keep talking and no one will be the wiser.
SS: Except the cameraman.
[The iAd all look at the camera. We lose the feed.]
SW: (After a pause.) Now, it could, and likely is, we lost the feed because of our very low budget. But could the iAd be low enough to attack a cameraman? We'll check on that. And we'll be back with the biggest, and littlest, ladder match of all time after some PPV hype. Stay tuned!
[A slow motion picture of Bohemoth winning the OWTTM is shown.]
Announcer: There are times when people go their separate ways and change their channels. Don't make our pay-per-view one of those times. Moments, such as this one, you won't be able to get out of your mind, no matter how hard you try. Experience the drama, live. Don't be a cheap bastard, send us your money!
BOB. At least we can spell our pay-per-view correctly.
[Over the speakers, or more likely through them, "in-in incurable Apathy disorder" is spoken, followed by the sweet, peaceful stylings of Ministry's "N.W.O." As we fade back up, we are in black and white film.
SW: Sorry fans, I am told we ran out of color tape during our last break and we could only find black and white film. Sorry for the inconvenience.
NH: Man, what's with all the problems tonight. You'd think one of the bosses was AWOL or something.
SW: Well it sure isn't the LilBoss, because he is here tonight.
[As the music continues to play, nobody comes out.]
Masked Announcer: (He stares at the aisle and then shrugs.) Now making his way to the ring. Representing the iAd. The Invisible Midget!
[The music stops.]
SW: The Invisible Midget? Is he hallucinating?
NH: How can you hallucinate an invisible midget?
SW: Well, he's just insane then.
MA: And his opponent.
[LilBosses music hits.]
[Static. The picture is now in color.]
["in-in incurable Apathy disorder" is spoken again, and Ministry's "N.W.O." replays. This time, the arena goes black.]
SW: Great, who didn't pay the power bill?
NH: This could be dramatic effect. Look!
[Two people holding torches emerge from the darkness. Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts. They stand beside a druid.]
SW: Man, haven't seen a druid since '99. Sure have missed them. Thank God the iAd is bring back some quality characters.
NH: Why are you sucking up to them?
[The lights slowly come back on.]
NH: It takes our equipment a while to warm up, which is why most the entrances suck in BOB.
MS: The druid is getting into the ring! NH: I'm going to go find out who that is.
[Strangely enough, she leaves the announce position.]
MS: Where is she going? Is she crazy?
SW: She's a woman.
[As Nurse Heidi climbs under the second rope and over the bottom rope. In the crowd, zoom lenses zoom and cameras everywhere flash, trying to capture a glimpse of her promised land.]
NH: Excuse me druid. Who are you? What are you doing here?
???: (A deep voice) I'm here to sports entertain bitch. The name is...
[The druid pulls down the hood, revealing a long, oddly shaped nose, and brown fur all over his face.]
SW: What the hell?
MS: Gordon Shumway! I mean, ALF!
ALF: ALF! (He's wearing shades and a black suit just like the ones the iAd are wearing.)
SW: The fans are in shock. Or disbelief. Or they just don't 'get it.' Who knows.
MS: Maybe Heidi could ask them and we'll post the results on our Web site!
NH: What puppet scrap heap did they pull you off of?
ALF: Hey, if Hogan can come back, so can I! We were both popular back in the '80s. Plus, we're close in age. I'm about 245. What's he claiming his age to be these days?
NH: Are you part of the iAd?
ALF: I see Billy f***ks you for your mind. HA! HA! I kill me! Bet you never thought you'd see an '80s sitcom star say f***. I was never meant to be good. Look at my nose! If that nose doesn't make you horny, I don't know what will. Imagine what I could do to you tonight darling.
[ALF looks around and notices that a group of men in black, like those spotted behind the announcers earlier, have surrounded the ring.]
ALF: Y'know Heidi. We only have 10 major organs, eight of which are stomachs. I bet I know which organ you most want to see (he says grabbing his crotch). As everyone knows on the show, I loved to eat cats. Since then, I've developed a taste for....kitty. I could go down on you like a buzzard on a gutwagon.
[Alf sticks his furry hand up under Nurse Heid's short skirt.]
ALF: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
[Heidi slaps ALF and gets out of the ring.]
ALF: Farewell my lustress.
SW: Well, we have a match.
MS: And some company.
SW: A man in riot gear now is walking down the aisle and stands just behind the men in black at the top of the aisle. Druids, riot cops, how much more can the iAd recycle tonight?
MS: The name on the sign say Brawlers. This has nothing to do with brawling! What is this, stuff?
SW: It's some sort of attempt at sports entertainment. The riot cop is just standing there, motionless. Heidi's back. Turn around so I can see your front.
NH: What a sleaze! My Billy is going to come out and stand up for me if he knows what's good for him.
[Ring, ring, ring]
SW: I wonder if anybody will get that inside joke. Anyway. It's LilBoss vs. ALF in a stepladder match.
MS: The biggest match of ALL TIME. This is the greatest NAGAM of ALL TIME!
SW: ALF hails from Melmac.
NH: He's a frigging puppet! BOB has gone to a new level of pathetic.
SW: That's right. You'll only, luckily, get this caliber of competition whenever we can bump infomercials off this channel. And it's time for some action. But not before ALF burps and scratches himself.
MS: (He sighs loudly.) I don't know what to say. Fans, I apologize for this display...
SW: Both men eye the booker's briefcase, hanging, low, over the ring. LB attacks ALF. He beats him in the head and the nose. But ALF flips LB over his head. ALF struggles to his feet and charges. He dives and, BITES LB!
MS: On the throat!
SW: Good thing he only has four teeth.
NH: And they're plastic.
SW: LB elbows his way free. He charges for the ladder and ALF follows. They're both up on the third rung. They're exchanging punches. Heidi, you know all about exchanging things, don't you?
NH: What's THAT supposed to mean?
SW: You're a chick. Nothing we men ever get for you is good enough, is it?
NH: No. That's why you're men.
MS: Oh no, now what?
SW: Billy Polar!
NH: Billy's coming. Billy gets in the ring and grabs ALF. DDT from the stepladder! ALF is out! The crowd is going wild, and later, when I get Billy alone, I'll show him the meaning of the word wild.
SW: But hold that celebration. The ring is filling up. LB has gotten to the top step, but he's surrounded by a sea of jobbers! Oh no! They've got rubber bats! They've united, but why against LilBoss?
NH: Billy is fighting them off, with ease.
SW: The men in black hit the ring. Look it's Sculder and Mully from the Agency! This could end their search.
MS: All heck is breaking loose. It's BEDLAM!
SW: No, it's a fustercluck. Fustercluuuuuck!
MS: Somewhere, ALF and LB are in the mass of humanity.
SW: And meanwhile, Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts are just staring at the mess. So is the mysterious riot gear cop.
NH: It's a massacre on all sides! Jobbers, men in black, midgets! They're all falling.
MS: The carnage! The carnage!
SW: If only we had some retards out here, it'd be perfect. BOB is an equal opportunity offender, I mean, employer.
NH: Go Billy! SW: Well, everyone is down, except for Billy Polar.
NH: Them Harvard boys are tough. He's helping LB out from underneath the pile of bodies. Billy sets up the ladder! Bye bye, iAd! Billy watches as he climbs.
MS: Step one!
MS: Step TWO!
MS: STEP THREE! Oh mercy, will he make it TO THE TOP!
NH: Oh no, Billy!
SW: The mysterious riot guard is in and knocks out Billy with a baton shot to the back of his head! Billy's down. Hope he doesn't suffer amnesia. That sure would screw up booking plans.
NH: But LB is up top! He's got his fingers on the briefcase!
SW: Oh! The mysterious riot cop hits LB in the LilBalls! LB falls down onto a man in black. The riot cop pulls off his riot face gear!
MS: I'll be gosh darned!
SW: Seth Harker!
MS: That is the lowest thing I have ever seen in the history of this sport.
SW: Seth helps ALF onto the top step of the stepladder. ALF reaches up and grabs the briefcase.
MS: Dear God! What the hell just happened?
NH: Oh no.
Masked Announcer: The iAd wins booking control.
SW: Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts get into the ring. They're booting everyone to the floor. They each grab a pair of rubber bats and point them nWo-style in celebration at ALF. Then at Seth Harker.
MS: Yeah, you're so cool, aren't you? They've got the stick.
SS: We are in control!
[The crowd boos. Except for the numerous cool heel marks. Such as the one with the sign that says Push Stinkbutt Nastyass and the one with the sign that says I Couldn't Think of a Funny Sign to Type But I Needed To Pad This Card To Compete With All The Other Serious Feds Out There.]
SH: You can call this ... the start of the incurable Apathy disorder. Brother!
TV: Hey yo! And we are taking control of this federation, right now! Let's destroy this crappy set!
ALF: While they do that, I have something very important to do. There is one special lady backstage. A girl I met at one of Steve Studnuts' amazing bashes. A girl I love. Please welcome, star of the greatest porno film of all time, "The Crack of Dawn," and "Kitties Galore," the Queen of Sexxxtreme, Dawn!
[A beautiful redhead with breasts that would eclipse Stephy McMahon's planets, walks out, dressed in a tight white backless top and a pink skirt so short you can see what color panties she's wearing. Pink, for the colorblind. She's also wearing matching pink high heel shoes.]
ALF: Did I ever tell you pink is my favorite color? Ha! Ha!
[Two breasts, accompanied by Dawn, make their way to the ring. They get into the ring, followed shortly by Dawn. She pulls down her skirt again as she stands up, only moving it about a millimeter.]
ALF: I fell in love with your silhouette. Just imagine what I could do for you with these four fingers for the rest of our lives. Dawn. Will you be my wife?
[She gasps and puts her right hand to her mouth. She smiles.]
D: Of course I'll marry you.
[She gets on her well-worn knees and kisses him. Then she gives his nose some head. ALF sneezes, blowing a load all over Dawns mouth. She takes the snot off her face with a finger and begins licking it!]
MS: This is the most disgusting show in the history of wrestling.
SW: What the hell?
[Camera cuts to the announce position. TV and Studs bang bats on their table, which makes Scotty and Heidi flee to either side. Mark is stuck though, being so fat, and being in the middle of the table.]
TV: Mark Shill. Stay (he says putting on a headset).
MS: Okay, I don't want any trouble.
TV: Good bitch.
MS: I have a bad neck.
SS: And a bad voice, bad body, bad personality, I could go on and on (he says putting on the other headset.) Ummmmm. I smell Heidi.
TV: Meet the future of BOB.
MS: What are you doing?
SS: Promoting your ever so talented ass. If you don't want the spot, you can learn what dog s*** tastes like. I stepped in some before I came out here.
TV: Could be Urine's s***.
SS: How can urine s***.
TV: Note the capital U, bro.
MS: This is the blackest day ever. I'm speechless.
SS: You got promoted jerkweed. You should be happy. The iAd is the future. Isn't it electrifying in here tonight?
TV: As a symbolic start to the new BOB era, we will destroy the set.
[Trey and Studs tip over the announce table.]
SS: That should do it. Let's get the new set people out here.
[Several union workers with toolboxes and lumber and metal file out from backstage. They bring flowers and other wedding stuff to the ring. After setting up, they look at their watches and leave the ring.]
TV: Hey! Where are you going?
[Trey drops his headset and grabs a microphone before running after them.]
TV: Build the new BOB set.
Union Guy: We're on a lunch break.
[The group picks some empty chairs in the crowd and take seats. They pull out sandwiches and stare at Trey.]
TV: Well, fine, build it after lunch. Are we just about ready for the wedding segment?
[Trey heads back to his position.]
MS: Don't forget fans. The biggest pay-per-view in BOB's history is coming up. If you only get one pay-per-view, it HAS to be this one. I never say that, but with this new invasion happening, how can you miss a minute of this?
SS: Change the channel, watch something else.
[Trey rejoins the team.]
MS: Fans, we are being taken over. By hostile forces. How long can the egos coexist?
TV: As long as we never get into a debate about who's better, we'll be fine.
SS: Because we both know it's Steve Studnuts. And that's a fact.
TV: Whatever. Listen up humanoids....
SS: I wanted to use that line!
TV: Let's have the wedding. Hey, where's our reverend?
SS: He's still on the floor. Seth! Go get the holy man! The priest!
TV: And before we get him, we should warn all the parents in the crowd to hide their children. We'd tell the crowd that, but, eh, a few lawsuits could get this company some positive exposure.
SS: The old get positive exposure from negative exposures route.
MS: You really do want to kill BOB. You're willing to risk the future of children!
[Seth goes to the floor and pulls up...]
SS: We're heels, Shill. Monster heels. Especially with...
SS: No. The priest!
[Seth pulls up XXXtreme Machine!]
TV: Ratings, through the roof!
MS: What's Seth going under the ring for? There's the Holy Bible. And a collar? And the wedding license! This was all a plot? How is XxXtreme Machine a priest?
TV: You'd be amazed what you can get over email these days. It ain't quite Little Tina's tight little p***y or c**ing on Natalie's big white t***ies, but it'll do.
MS: ALF is masterminding the iAd! I don't believe it.
SS: Whoa. ALF ain't the mastermind. Back da f*** up. Everyone knows TV and Steve Studnuts pull all the strings. We are the next generation of evil bookers. Ya dig?
MS: Bookers? What is this crazy talk?
TV: Damn, are you married to Kay Fabe?
MS: Don't forget fans, we're seconds away from the culmination of the blackest wedding in the history of civilization.
TV: Worse than Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie?
SS: Worse than gay weddings?
MS: Ten times worse! FANS! STAY TUNED!
[The camera pans the crowd.]
TV: Tonight's episode of iAd Studly-TV is brought to you by the good folks at 10-10-220. Save a buck or two.
TV: We're back. And through the miraculous spontaneity of taped sports entertainment, Dawn has gone backstage so she can walk back out to the wedding song thing.
SS: ALF was already dressed for a wedding.
TV: So was Dawn. Granted, a wedding gang bang.
SS: Long as I get some first.
MS: Fans, I apologize for all this blatant talk. Women are people too.
SS: Just the kind you want to bend over a chair.
MS: All right. Let's get this thing going.
[The wedding song plays and out walks Dawn, now wearing a white veil. Otherwise, she's still dressed the same. She gets in the ring.]
SS: Upskirt cam. Now!
[The camera obliges.]
TV: Too, na!
[ALF and Dawn lock arms and stand before XXXTreama mAcchine who has the Bible open and has his collar on.]
XM: were here to gathered 2 day to join this alyen and pron star in weslock so they can fuk e chother whenever they want. this is a truly beautifu; day if anybone objects to this weding pleas say now or fover ver shout up.
[Nobody says a word.]
TV: What did he say?
SS: I could cry, this is so beautiful.
XM: alf do u tak this bitcfh to fuk for the rest of you life and nag u and treet uu like shit for being an allyen?
ALF: I do!
XM: an bitch, do u tak ethis litlle fuking alyen and promiss to give him blwow jobs az dnever haraassx him about his ewight and if u get pregantn abort the fukig thing?
D: I do?
XM: by thhe power devested in me by the internet site I got this shit frojm u r now husband and wife. u may kiss the bitch.
[ALF and Dawn kiss. The music swells.]
SS: Now this is entertaining.
MS: What in Heaven?
[The camera cuts to ringside. Seth Harker is standing over the Masked Announcer.]
SH: He started it! He was looking at me. With his eyes!
TV: Seth didn't have a choice in that one.
MS: Heavens to Betsy.
[ALF and Dawn leave the ring. A few celebratory fans throw popcorn at them. Then Dawn gets hit in the head by a corn on the cob.]
SS: Ain't the worst thing she's been hit in the head with.
TV: You ready Seth?
SH: Yur. (Seth goes into the ring.) Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the first ever iAd Studly-TV broadcast. Live, from Private Parts, Indiana!
TV: We're in Private Parts?
SS: I hope we know whose. We're not wearing any protection.
TV: I think it's some chick named Diana.
SS: Oh. We're in Diana's Private Parts.
TV: We're in Diana's vagina?
SS: Would that explain the smell?
SH: Maybe we should take a survey.
SS: You're a heel!
SH: How many people here came to see, B-O-B?
[The crowd boos.]
TV: Isn't that the gimmick I stole?
SH: How many people came here to see, the i-A-d?
[The crowd boos.]
SH: OK. How many people came here to see Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" get naked?
[The crowd cheers loudly.]
SH: Well, then, never let anyone let you believe the iAd ain't about pleasing the fans. As long as it pleases us. So, since we are the bookers, the match makers, the card writers, if you will. I'd like to tell Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" to come into this very ring and prepare to perform a certain kind of job.
TV: Hey! That's my woman Seth!
[Sarah steps out, wearing her usual black leather pants, tight white shirt, long leather jacket and black boots. She slowly walks to the ring.]
MS: You're just booking on the fly, aren't you?
TV: Booking, with the fly, in this case.
SH: Tonight you are going to be involved in a match with rules very similar to strip poker. We'll call it, the first ever, iAd Total Titilation Match. Because tonight, in this very ring, somebody will lose their top. Every time you get thrown to the floor, you must take of an article of clothing until you are bare chested.
TV: This is exactly why we needed to take over BOB. Right here.
SH: And if you don't. YOU'RE BANNED FROM BOB!
MS: That's outrageous! The fans love Sarah!
[Sarah grabs the mic.]
STJS: There's just one teensy little flaw in your plan. Me. I don't lose. Note the name, genius.
SH: Ah, but you see, you're not just facing any jobber tonight. The iAd looked far and wide to find someone of the same sex who could actually compete with you. Granted, she might not have any talent, but she's got really big fun bags and refuses to work with anyone. Please welcome, Joanie Laurer!
SS: The chick whose name used to rhyme with vagina.
TV: But she was a c instead of a v.
SS: That was dirty.
TV: Bwahahaha. Didn't even realize that! I mean, combine vagina with a country
SS: You said country. Take out the 'ry' and keep the vibe the same and what have you got?
TV: Oh, bwahahahahaha.
MS: Stop it numbskulls.
TV: Why I oughta! Yes, she hails from the country where all the men have little dicks and eat with thin pieces of wood.
SS: And have thin pieces of wood.
TV: And short.
MS: I would like to apologize to every Chinese-American. The opinions of Steve Studnuts and Trey Vincent about the stereotyped size of Chinese-Americans genitalia does not reflect my beliefs.
TV: Had some experience, eh?
SS: Are you Canadian now?
TV: Did we forget something?
SS: Oh yeah, the match. Go ahead Seth.
[Finally, some theme music starts playing. "One, two, three o'clock four o'clock rock. Five six seven o'clock eight o'clock rock. We're gonna rock, around the clock tonight" blah blah blah, that old song starts playing. Out walks Joanie Laurer, wearing a black bra-like top thing, silver and black shorts, black stockings and black boots. She's got a big smile on her surgically enhanced face and pulls some hair out of her face as she stomps down the aisle.]
TV: In no way will we tempt fate and call her Chyna, because we don't want to bring the wrath of Vince McMahon's lawyers down on us.
SS: Chyna, Chyna, Chyna. You're watching BOB. Brawlers On a Budget! BOB, BOB, BOB! Screw you Vince. You're batting for the wrong team!
TV: And your son used to pick up kids with Pokemon cards. He'd go into the playgrounds, flash the cards, and be like, "How YOU doin'?"
SS: And you're wife? She starred in a gang bang with the Bloods. I have the videotape. Ya dig?
MS: Enough! You will not get BOB sued on my watch?
[There is a loud bang.]
TV: Those jobbers may have had rubber bats, but do you think that sounded like rubber? I know rubber bats and rubber dolls sound a little different when they get thrown on a table, but...
STJS: Um, hello? I thought everyone was going to get a Total Titillation Match. And why the hell did Joanie come out to that "Rock Around The Clock" song?
SH: Be patient. We wrote out a whole bad joke about it.
TV: You'll love the part where Scott Baio comes out!
[Ring, ring, ring....oh yeah, that's the bell.]
MS: Finally, some order is being restored. This is the wildest, most insane broadcast I have ever been a part of. Seth Harker is leaving the ring.
[Studs and Trey give Seth a standing ovation.]
SS: Way to not trip over your own feet bro.
MS: The ladies are about to GET IT ON!
[Masked Announcer comes to.]
MA: Hey, that's MY LINE, pal!
[Seth grabs MA and starts dragging him away.]
TV: Just wait till Sarah starts losing her clothes. Then you'll really have a reason to use all caps.
MS: You are looking at two of the greatest women wrestlers IN THE WORLD. And I dare even say IN THE UNIVERSE!
TV: Hold on Shill. Sports entertainers. Don't ever use that w-word again or we'll f*** you with a baseball bat. Got it?
MS: Yes, yes, sir. I do. You are the powers to be, I won't cross the boss.
TV: Spineless little bastard. My urine hitting the water in a toilet is more musical than your voice.
MS: Oh what a move by Sarah. And CHY, er, JOANIE FALLS TO THE FLOOR!
SS: I warned you she was talentless.
TV: Trey Vincent has faith in that Joanie girl.
SS: And it looks like Chyna is taking off a boot.
TV: Ewww. Look at the fungus! Doesn't she ever shower?
SH: (Walking back down the aisle after doing whatever he did with the Masked Announcer). Hold on a second. We don't have time for this match to keep going and going forever and ever. As much as we'd like it to. But we're working on a schedule. So here's the deal. Pairs of clothing count as one item. So Chyna, I mean, Joanie, lose both boots.
MS: This is degrading. AND THERE GOES THE OTHER BOOT! And the match continues with Joanie getting the advantage. Oh what a move. Chyna connects. And throws Sarah OVER THE TOP ROPE! But she LANDS ON THE APRON. Good lord, nobody gives you action like BOB!
SS: Chyna charges at Sarah like a bull and misses! She falls like a dart to the concrete playground.
SH: Joanie must lose another article of clothing.
MS: And THERE GO HER SHORTS!
TV: Sarah goes right after Joanie again. Kicks, punches, oh I want to bang you Sarah. You and I were meant to be. Ah, I can't take it!
MS: Where are you going?
SS: Trey Vincent has left the announce position and is heading for the ring. Sarah doesn't realize it, but Trey Vincent is in the ring.
MS: Look out! OH NO! OH NO! Sarah's ON THE FLOOR! SARAH'S ON THE FLOOR! That should be a disqualification!
SS: DQ? In BOB? *Pfffft*
MS: AND THERE GO SARAH's boots!
SS: Both ladies are barefoot. They're halfway to perfect in Mark Shill's eyes. He's very sexist like that.
MS: I AM NOT! How, DARE, you!
TV: Trey Vincent is back. I know you all missed me. Sarah looks pretty pissed at me, and look out from behind. Joanie is pounding away on Sarah.
MS: INTO THE CORNER! OH WHAT A MOVE BY JOANIE!!
SS: Nice handspring corkscrew flipperama.
TV: What's the score here? Chyna's losing 2 to 1?
SS: Or, Sarah's leading 4 to 3, if we're going by clothes.
TV: [He gets out his cell phone and starts pressing buttons.] Hey man. You ready? Cool. When you hear the tunes, come on down. Later.
MS: Who was that? Wild swing by Sarah connects! And Joanie tastes the floor for a third time!
TV: I'm sure she's used to being thrown around like that.
SS: Oh. I see a missed opportunity here. Are those union guys off break yet?
TV: No. They're still sitting in the audience, arms crossed, leaning back like them lazy union guys do so good.
SS: HEY! YOU! Yes, you.
MS: He's talking to The Fire Chief!
SS: Can you go find some carpet backstage and bring it out here? How can we have two chicks rolling around out here and not have carpet around the outside of the ring?
MS: OH MY! Joanie with a vicious shot to Sarah. She throws her OVER THE TOP ROPE!
TV: Oh man. I hope somebody's taping this. It will get me through many a lonely night until she realizes we're meant to be together.
[The fans cheer loudly. Why? Sarah just took off her top!]
SS: Sarah is down to her bra!
TV: Oh baby! Shake it baby.
MS: Sarah is not embarrassed at all by the exposure. She seems to be enjoying it! And why not! If I had her body, I, I....
TV: Mark, you have some serious problems.
MS: The match continues. Oh, great vertical suplex by Joanie. This is the first time we've ever seen any kind of move like that in BOB! What innovation!
TV: Uh oh. Sarah looks pissed.
STJS: Bring it on bitch!
SS: Sarah charges, grabs Joanie by the hair and throws her face first to the mat.
TV: And she bounces right back up! Gotta love breast implants! They're like basketballs!
MS: Up and down AGAIN! Oh my! OH, MY! And Joanie is ON THE FLOOR AGAIN!
SS: And here comes the Fire Chief, just in time, with the carpet.
MS: What is he doing? He's laying carpet?
SS: You'll see.
TV: If anyone cares, Joanie just pulled down her stockings.
SS: Man, is she trying to sweep the floor? What's up with that? Somebody oughta introduce that woman to a razor. Trey, only two pieces of clothing left!
TV: I know, I know.
MS: And here we go again!
[Some cheesy music begins playing. "The new boy in the neighborhood. Lives downstairs and it's understood. He's there just to take good care of me. Like he's one of the family. Charles in Charge..." and out walks Scott Baio!]
TV: I'll be damned!
MS: Fans, you never know what you're gonna see in BOB!
SS: Unless somebody spoils the joke ahead of time.
Scott Baio: Joanie. I love you! Do you love me?
TV: What's he doing? Improvising? Seth!
SH: Scott! Read the script! You're supposed to help Joanie, then make the moves on her!
SB: Get out of HERE! Oh, sorry.
MS: Scott Baio runs to the ring and Sarah kicks him right in the chin! Scott is unconscious.
TV: So much for "Joanie Loves Chachi 2002." I'm never gonna get to direct.
SS: I told you it'd fail. Bad things happen in BOB. I've warned you. Even for people from serious feds.
TV: OH NO!
MS: OH MY! Joanie just fell face first to the carpet!
SS: You were supposed to say she tastes the carpet! Man, you can't even get a joke right. Screw this match. Ring the bell.
[Ring, ring, ring]
SH: The winner of this match. Trey Vincent!
TV: What? I never expected! (Trey drops his headset and goes into the ring. He has a handheld mic now and he looks right at Sarah as some award-music swells in the background.) I'd like to thank God first of all. What up Big Guy. I also have to thank my parents for getting drunk and not using birth control. I have to thank Sarah, my inspiration. I love you BABY!
[Sarah shoves Trey, who falls back on his ass.]
SS: Uh oh.
MS: This could get messy!
[Screen goes dark.]
The iAd loves you all.
Ylimaf ruoy llik
The iAd loves you all.
MS: And WE'RE BACK.
TV: Did I ever tell you about the time Stephanie McMahon burned that cross on that black couple's lawn?
TV: Forget about the steroids. If they ever want to put the old man away, he sold me plenty of 'em.
SS: Uh, we are on the air.
TV: Oh please, everyone KNOWS we use steroids. I'm shooting baby! Everything I say is real.
SS: I dig it.
MS: What's next?
TV: Do you want me to crawl out the window and pick up the format you threw out?
SS: Get this man some glasses!
MS: OK. Let's go down to Seth Harker for the next match. And don't forget about our BIG MAIN EVENT. It's the BIGGEST of ALL TIME. I don't know what it is, but STAY TUNED!
SH: The following contest is a death match. The only way to win is by killing your opponent. There are no disqualifications. Obviously. Introducing first, a man who needs no introduction!
MS: IT'S DEATH!
TV: Duh! Seth said he didn't need an introduction!
SH: And while Death walks to the ring, already waiting in the ring...
[The man in the ring grabs the mic.]
rs: hey dis is romeo stylez. Hey sara can u b my manager pleaze since your so hot and you could manage me and we could be succesful together and get marryed and
[Death with scythe in hand, climbs the stairs and gets in the ring as romeo stylez continues blabbering about Sarah.]
MS: This should be an HISTORIC match on the single most important NAGAM of ALL TIME! And this day may go down as ONE OF THE BIGGEST IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT with God as my witness! And this HISTORIC match will feature somebody being taken out in a BODYBAG and sent off to Heaven or Hell! Or nothingness!
TV: Way to wuss out. Don't you believe in anything?
MS: Putting butts in the seats. This is NAGAM! This is BOB! This extravaganza is HISTORICAL! BLACKLY HISTORICAL!
[Ring, ring, ring]
MS: OH MY. Death touches romeo stylez, who crumples! Romeo is down! The ref is checking for a pulse. HE CAN'T FIND ONE. romeo stylez IS. DEAD!
TV: Well good.
[Ring, ring, ring]
SH: The winner of the match, DEATH!
TV: You're the man, Death!
SS: And here come the medics to haul away the corpse. Ah, what a great show, huh? We are geniuses.
TV: Seth punked out Billy Polar. I punked out Sarah during that last break. Wasn't that amazing by the way? How I beat her until she admitted she loved me? Studs, you know what you have to do, right?
SS: I'm thinking of a main event.
TV: Does it involve a certain fat ass?
SS: Oh yeah.
TV: But now, we got to do something to punish some punks who talk bad about the iAd. They also use initials in their name. Let's bring out the KKK.
SS: KSK, bro.
TV: Oh. Right. The Kent State Krew.
SH: The following contest is for the Four Play Tag Team Titles. Introducing first, the KSK!
[Intro goes here.]
TV: That was some intro.
SS: Gotta agree. Like anybody reads them anyway. Like anyone reads results from the first letter to the last punctuation mark.
SH: Since you guys have some sort of problem with the iAd. Well. You are going to defend those titles against the future of this business and the future of BOB. Their opponents in this handicap title match, are... The Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon, XXXtreme Machine, Streetmime, Bubba Gump, Fire Chief and Too Lame. The group which will now be known as, the J.W.A.!
[The fans go nuts. A kid in the fourth row starts pulling his hair out. A middle-aged woman pulls out a razor and starts slashing her arms. An Indian man begins talking to a Leprechaun with a matchbook. A teen-ager begins screaming "AHHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHH." Yes, the effects of pushing jobbers can be brutal.]
MS: Three men against seven? That's not right! This is some sort of EVIL CONSPIRACY! I DIDN'T THINK BLACKNESS COULD GET ANY DARKER. Well fans. I was WRONG!
[Ring, ring, ring]
SH: Oh yeah. And this is an Arm Gravevine Submission and Corkscrew Leg Drop match.
TV: Because arm gravevines and corkscrew leg drops rule!
[The KSK asks the Generic Ref what the hell the rules mean.]
GR: You can only use two moves in this match. Guess what they are.
MS: The cancer is spreading. If anyone is watching this show after this match.
SS: How could anyone not be entertained by this?
MS: It's gonna be Jim and Bubba Gump to start. And, Jim starts with an
TV: Arm gravevine submission! Arm gravevine submission!
GR: Fall down Jim!
SS: Whoa! Quiet down ref.
GR: 30 seconds!
SS: What is he doing?
TV: He's shooting, baby!
MS: Jim FALLS DOWN from the CRUSHING PAIN of the move! And Gump tries for a corkscrew leg drop! And MISSES BY A MILE! JIM IS UP! HE CONNECTS WITH A CORKSCREW LEG DROP! Gump crawls to the corner and tags in Slightly Gay Ray!
SS: It's time for Ray to get funky like a monkey. Literally. And figuratively. Most likely.
TV: Ray charges. Uh oh!
MS: OH what a SUPERKICK by JIM!
[Ring, ring, ring.]
MS: WHAT THE?
SH: The winners of the match, as a result of using a non-sanctioned move in an Arm Gravevine Submission and Corkscrew Leg Drop Match, the group we are now calling, the J.W.A. Jobbaz With Attitude!
[The sound of headsets hitting the floor is heard.]
MS: The iAd is storming the ring. WITH THE BATS! Oh no! The iAd is leveling the KSK. It's a GANG WAR! The iAd, JWA and KSK! Which crew will prevail in alphabet soup warfare! Fans, stay tuned!!!
Have you seen J lately?
We suspect he has amnesia. If you see him, tell him to come back to BOB.
-Steve, Nate, John and the entire BOB family.
SS: Stephanie and Linda lick each other's kitties? While Shane and Vince watch? Really? I never knew.
TV: It's true. Times two!
MS: You are trying to get BOB sued, aren't you?
TV: We can afford it. Can you guys? It's simple, now that we're booking this show, we can give ourselves titles and screw with everyone's lives.
SS: Power is a drug.
TV: And the three of us are higher than God right now.
SS: I think we passed Jesus about 10 minutes ago.
MS: Let's go to Seth Harker and see what's NEXT!
SH: Coming out to no introduction music because that's too expensive for us to waste money on. Please welcome, Captain Oblivious and Below Normal Johnson!
MS: That's Captain Obvious and Normal John Johnson.
SS: Shut up jerkweed.
MS: What is this J.W.A. business?
TV: Well, just as black people are persecuted in the world, who is mocked and held down more than jobbers? So, it makes sense for them to gang up and become the first ever hardcore jobber group. They're modern day poets. They have suffered and they're going to share their art. We've got to get those boys in the studio to record what will no doubt be their most controversial song, "F*** The LB."
MS: Why did they turn on the LilBoss?
TV: Huh? You want motive?
SS: You want reason?
TV: Would it be BOB if there was a reason?
SH: Um, guys? Who are they wrestling?
TV: Good question.
[A spokesmodel walks down the ring, pushing a barrel. Seth gets out of the ring and walks to her. After she spins the barrel, Seth opens a hole and sticks his hand inside.]
TV: Seth! No!
[The spokesmodel runs away. Seth shrugs. He reaches into the barrel and pulls out two pieces of paper.]
SH: And their opponents, drawn at random, are...douja and the Dyslexic Avenger!
SS: Wow. What an odd combination. I hope they get along.
TV: I sure could go for a Snickers right now.
SS: That was way too subtle.
TV: Was it?
SS: Yeah. Not foreshadowy enough.
TV: Not giveitawayey enough?
[Ring, ring, ring]
MS: AND HERE WE GO!
TV: Goddam, Mark! You nearly punctured the sports entertainment icon's ear drums! Will you please fix your caps lock.
SS: Turn the volume down Shill. Chill.
MS: How can I 'chill' on such a HORRIBLY, HISTORIC DAY. Fans, don't forget WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE. If you only buy one sports entertainment pay-per-view this year, it HAS TO BE THIS ONE!
SS: Meanwhile, we have a match going on. I know nobody cares about any of these no-talent having sports entertainers.
TV: Scrubs. douja. There's an old friend of yours, isn't he?
MS: There's a tag.
TV: Do you know, anybody who only reads a transcript of this show will have no idea what has happened in any match tonight?
SS: Great, ain't it? Only Mark Shill can call a show without calling a single move.
MS: And what about the main event. Can you guys believe what we are going to see tonight, on this HISTORIC edition of NAGAM!?
SS: You don't even know what it is yet!
MS: I don't know WHAT'S GOING ON.
TV: Is this match over yet?
MS: OH my, HE HITS HIS MOVE! 1, 2, 3! douja has just proved himself worthy of being in the finals of that March Mayhem tournament!
douja: Yo bitches, I wants a rematch dogg. Bring that cracka ass bitch bohemoth out to dis ring and we'll throw down and I gets whats mine. word.
SS: (He gets up and takes the mic from Seth.) Listen up dogg, you don't tell the iAd what to do.
douja: whateva jerkweed muthafucka, fuks the iAd, all douja wants to be gettin' is l-a-i-d. and I needs me some gold dogg.
SS: There are a lot of contenders for the OWTTM. Billy Polar, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," SMP, but none of them compare to Steve Studnuts. Which is why I am booking myself into a match against Bohemoth at WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE. You know what else I'm gonna book dogg? I'm gonna book Trey Vincent vs. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." I'm also gonna book Seth Harker vs. Billy Polar. I haven't even seen you cut a promo. Why should you get a title shot?
SS: Get out of my face jerkweed. And as a matter of fact, this tag team match WILL CONTINUE! Since the bell never rang. You may have gotten a three count, but perhaps you missed the stipulations. This match is fought under abnormally unobvious rules. Meaning, only one team can win this match, so you might as well act like a whore and get flat on your back.
[Studnuts clotheslines douja.]
MS: The Dyslexic Avenger has already area the LEFT, leaving douja to fight Captain Obvious and Normal John Johnson ALONE! Studnuts picks up douja!
TV: Death valley of the sun driver!
MS: NORMAL JOHN JOHNSON WITH THE COVER!. ONNNE. TWOOOOOO. THREEEEEEEEE! douja and The Dyslexic Avenger have lost with help from Steve Studnuts!
TV: Word up!
[Ring, ring, ring]
SS: The winners of this match. Captain Obvious and Norrmal John Johnson! The loser? DOU-MUTHERF**KIN-JA!
MS: The iAd is throwing their weight around tonight.
TV: I thought Captain Obvious left the ring? You should be Captain Obvious' tag team partner. Look at the sky! It's BLUE!
MS: I understand we're going to a backstage segment?
[We cut outside. Kay Fabe is pacing in the parking lot. She's dragging her broom behind her. Sarah opens a back door and comes outside.]
STJS: Kay. Somebody just came back looking for you. You have a match.
[The door crashes open again.]
LITTLE GOOD: With me.
KF: What? No. I can't, team with him. Well, who are we facing?
STJS: Listen guys, don't worry. I've got to finish something with Trey Vincent. Just go have your match.
[Somewhere else in the back. Nurse Heidi and Billy Polar are talking.]
NH: What are you going to do about it?
BP: I will come up with a great plan. I'm from Harvard, damnit. Have my plans ever gone wrong before?
GUY WITH A SIGN AROUND HIS NECK THAT SAYS EXTRA: Heidi?
GWASAHNTSE: You have a match. You've got a tag match against Little Good and Kay Fabe.
NH: I what? With Billy?
GWASAHNTSE: Um. No. You're teaming with....
BP: What is that smell?
Urine: Hey partner! Man r u hot! Hey bro, can I fuk ur bitch if we win?
NH: I'm not teaming with YOU! You're disgusting!
U: Hey, u r nuthin speshul 2 me ether. Ur muther was a whore and I broke her jaw when I was having ruff sex with her!
TV: WHOA BABY! He's shooting tonight!
SS: That's 2nite!
MS: This is disgusting! Billy is holding her back from beating the living...
MS: ...out of him!
[Back to ringside.]
SH: The following contest is a Kill Time Until Luke Warm Interferes and Causes a DQ match. Introducing first, the team of Little Good and Kay Fabe!
[They walk to the ring with an intro that resembles the ones on their bio page, except, they come out together. Guess which song they use.]
SH: And their opponents, at a combine weight of question mark. First, the most disgusting man on the planet, Urine, and his partner, she is his toilet of love, Nurse Heidi!
[And here they come, Heidi sprinting away from Urine to get to the ring first.]
MS: Urine has a match for the ages at WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE. It's the battle of jobbers past and jobbers future! The worst of all-time As HE TAKES ON XXXTREME MACHINE!
SS: We don't care which one wins by the way.
TV: They're both getting pushed to the moon regardless on this show.
SH: Let's get it on!
[Ring, ring, ring]
MS: Kay and Heidi are NOT going to start.
SS: In other words?
MS: Urine and Little Good are ready to RUMBLE!
TV: Alright, let's finally call some action for the humanoids.
SS: You know it baby!
MS: ON THE BIGGEST EVENT SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME!
TV: Even bigger than World War II?
SS: The creation of man?
SS: Porno and booze!
TV: Oh, ha ha!. Did you see what Little Good just did?
SS: I did. And no words can describe how bad that was!
MS: He WALLOPED Urine! And what is that puddle forming on the mat!
TV: We got to get that boy some Depends.
SS: We could market the s*** out of him. Probably literally.
TV: I see it now. Uncontrollable bladder syndrome. Adult diapers. Oh man. He is gonna be a star! He's gonna make BOB proud!
SS: Oh yeah. He's gonna bring in a huge crossover audience for us. The weak bladder crowd!
TV: Little Good has tagged Kay Fabe in. It doesn't appear she has channeled the spirit of a dead wrestler. Wonder why?
SS: She needs to explain herself in a promo damnit!
TV: I guess she got over that The Domino thing, huh?
SS: Who knows? Why the hell can't she do a promo for BOB? Huh? Where is the dedication of all these losers? No wonder why we're pushing the J.W.A. They're all equals these days!
MS: The iAd's views do not reflect those of BOB management. We don't think.
SS: Who told you to say that?
TV: Are you hearing voices in your head again?
MS: No. If you piss off every member of our roster, get us sued, I'll be out of work. And what sport is going to hire ME!
TV: Does somebody need a timeout? We'll handle the rest of this show. Piss off.
[We hear a crashing sound as he drops his headset and stomps away. They call Seth over to the table.]
TV: You take care of this. I'll go see what the union guys are up to.
SH: If only the bots were here.
SS: OK fans, we've got a helluva bad match going on in the ring. Yes, you're watching BOB, I know that's redundant. We're only waiting for a cat fight to break out between Heidi and Kay.
SH: Little Good and Sarah are shagging, aren't they?
SH: And we now see Trey is talking to the union guys. We'll get back to the match in a second. Our character development is far more important.
TV: Hey there man. You've had a pretty long lunch. And you guys ain't even eating anymore. You're just sitting there.
TV: We wanted an iAd set. This is the crack of dawn! A new era. We want crack, damnit!
UG: When lunch is over.
TV: You're not eating! And it's not even lunch time anymore!
UG: You don't 'get it' do you?
TV: Get what?
UG: We're on lunch break.
TV: (He slaps his forehead.) D'oh!
UG: (He slouches down and crosses his arms.) That's what they all say. D'oh. You can't fight two things. One is city hall. And the other is unions. Right now, we're enjoying lunch.
TV: If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to make you pay for this.
UG: We don't pay. We get paid.
TV: For as little work possible. Will you please work?
UG: We don't work. Our workrate is as good as the rasslers you employ.
TV: What we have is a failure to communicate. I hired you to WORK. W-O-R-K.
UG: Well I'm on BREAK, B-R-E-A-K.
TV: Fine. Could you at least move closer to ringside so you're ugly faces will scare off some viewers?
UG: Does that involve moving?
TV: Damnit! Go back to the match.
[The camera goes backstage. douja is walking down a hall. The sound of a match lighting up and a deep inhale.]
SS: Aw, someone can't cope with the reality of being my punching bag.
[douja throws a match to the floor. The camera zooms in on the match.]
SH: OK, I've seen some pathetic things in my life, but this match is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.
SS: No action. It's just sitting there.
[A pair of black boots come into view. They pause right in front of the camera and the match.]
SH: These boots were made for walking.
SS: And that's just what they'll do.
TV: And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!
SS: And no, we didn't get written consent to sing that song!
TV: Call yourself a lawyer!
SS: Lawyers are all gay.
SH: Are they? I'd heard that.
TV: I also heard lawyers are all too worried to sue sports entertainment companies because they're too low profile. They're nothing but a bunch of pussies and know they won't win.
LG: Bloody hell. Do you three mind? We're trying to have a match IN THE RING!
SS: What? You don't like this close up of the match backstage? We've NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SPORT HAD SUCH A HOT MATCH BACKSTAGE!
TV: Leave it to the iAd to expand sports entertainment!
[The camera goes back to the ring. All four people are standing there.]
SS: What are you doing? You're supposed to entertain the crowd! Do it or be fired.
TV: THE IAD IS OUT OF CONTROL!
SH: THEY SHOULD BE DRAGGED OUT TO THE STREET BY THE NUTS AND SHOT!
TV: Hey, I thought Sarah was coming out here to make sweet love to me? What happened to her? Who's writing this frigging show! Worst. Episode. Ever!
SS: Back to the action. Little Good botches a basic lockup with Urine. Urine appears broken in half!
SH: Oh the humanity!
TV: And here come the girls for a CAT FIGHT! Oh man, they're pulling at each other's hair and scratching each other. I haven't seen this good of a cat fight since last night at the bar.
SH: All the ladies want the iAd.
TV: Uh oh. We've got company!
SH: And he didn't even ring the doorbell!
SS: Man, we've got to get a screen door on that entrance.
TV: IT'S LUKE WARM.
TV: I said it's LUKE WARM. He's in the ring!
SS: And he's cleaning house!
SH: Least he could do after breaking and entering.
TV: STONECUTTER ON KAY.
SS: (Luke) All bitches ain't sh**.
TV: STONECUTTER ON URINE.
[Ring, ring, ring.]
SH: Stop the madness!
TV: Middle finger and STONECUTTER to Nurse Heidi! And there's one for Little Good!
SS: Now, at some point, we're going to have to figure out why in the hell Luke did all this.
TV: Eh, that's Nate's problem. This is our show. We don't need to have a reason for this mess.
SH: While Luke Warm celebrates, let's go backstage to see if the match is continuing backstage.
[A close up of the match on the floor backstage.]
SH: Wow. Still there.
TV: That one could go all night long!
douja (voice): dam, dats sum of da coooooooolest shite ive done ever smoked beyotch. I needs me a ho sucka. Gotta get my f*** on homez.
TV: And it's time for our big main event.
SS: And we mean it, man.
SH: The following match.
SS: Uh Seth. You really should go to the ring.
[Seth goes to the ring.]
SH: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. The following contest is the main event of the evening brought to you by the good folks in the iAd. For the hundreds in attendance and the dozens watching around the world. Ladies and gentlemen. Are you ready?
SH: I said, ARE YOU READY?
SH: *Sigh* Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's get ready to BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!
SH: The following contest will be one pin to win. It is for that cleverly titled BOB hardcore title of the universe! Introducing first, the challenger. Weighing in at about 98 pounds. He hails from...somewhere...the former hardcore champion, The GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK.
[The Geek entrance goes here. He's bringing out plenty of cliched plunder.]
SH: And his opponent. The reigning, defending and offending, hardcore champion of the universe! Weighing in tonight at about 1,000 pounds. And he is also the transitional Only World Title Champion of the World That Matters! Please put your daughter's knees together for, BOHEEEEEEEEEEEMOTH.
SS: Seth has got quite an announcing voice, doesn't he?
TV: Quite impressed. If we ever see Michael Buffer, remind me to kick his ass and tell him he's yesterdays news.
SS: It's on my list of things to do.
[And here comes Bohemoth to the ring.]
TV: Geek meets him in the aisle.
SS: Bohemoth almost got stuck in it.
TV: Man, the way he was looking back and forth, I thought he was gonna pull some fan out and start eating.
SS: Eating, how?
SH: I'm back.
SS: Well, you did hear how Seth intro'd the man.
SS: Geek is giving it to Bohemoth.
TV: With a broomstick!
SS: OH OH!
SH: And now he's got a garbage can and hits Bohemoth over the head!
SS: It's almost as hardcore as porno out here!
SH: It's EXTREME!
TV: OH MY GOD! Hey, I just realized Styles never came out for Sarah's match.
SS: Sh**. Wanna edit it in?
TV: Nah. This card is long enough already.
SH: Yeah it is. Hope everyone's quite bored.
TV: If so, mission accomplished.
SH: And now The Geek has an orange cone. OH MY GOD!
TV: Tell me he didn't just hit Bohemoth in the crotch with the cone.
SS: He did.
TV: I asked you not to tell me that.
SH: Well, they've finally made it to the ring. The Big Cheese and the Geek. It's David vs. Goliath. Joe vs. The Volcano. Mr. Burns vs. The Loch Ness Monster. Who will win!
TV: Nice foreshadowing there bro.
SS: Bohemoth picks the Geek up and throws him to the corner. Hey, he's got the fishing rod from our opening match. It's still duct taped.
TV: Not anymore!
SH: He's got the hook tied to The Geek's underpants!
TV: This is wrong!
SH: And he casts him!
SS: No auditions required!
SH: And damn gravity. Damn it to hell! Look! The Geek's dirty underpants are still on the line, but now The Geek is on the floor.
SS: Good thing he didn't hang Geek by his worm.
SH: Undietaker is in the ring. He taps Bohemoth on the shoulder. Bohemoth turns. And look! Undietaker has The Geek's undies from the fishing line!
U: Nobody tries to steal MY gimmick!
SS: And Bohemoth finishes turning.
SH: As The World Turns.
TV: Hey! The Geek has that last rubber bat!
SS: He winds up! Here comes the Sosa shot!
SH: What the.
TV: He didn't even?
[Bohemoth is standing there. He puts his hand to his chin as if contemplating.]
Potential Bo's thoughts: Was that a real bat or a rubber bat, since it missed me. The wind felt real, but. I dunno. Should that end the match, or just make me angry? Eh, better not risk it.
TV: Bo GOES DOWN!
SS: He's got him!
SH: Geek climbs on top! Crowd. One....Two.......
SH: Bo kicks out!
TV: I'll be damned.
SH: Enough of this. We all know how it's going to end. Let's just go do this.
[No more announcers. Just action! The iAd goes into the ring. They have real bats, and they start using them. They smash every part of Bo's body, so it takes them a while, obviously. This is nothing to joke about anyway. After Bo stops jiggling, Seth and Studnuts throw The Geek on top of Bohemoth.]
Crowd: One.......two.......THREE!!! YAYYYYYY.
SH: The winner of this match, and NEWWWWWW hardcore champion, The GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
[Suddenly, Trey picks up The Geek and hits Coming Down (an over the shoulder belly to back piledriver) on him. Seth and Studnuts are staring in disbelief as Trey drags one of Bohemoth's arms on The Geek. He tells the ref to count!
SS: What the f***?
TV: Screw The Geek. I've beat his ass before, he doesn't deserve to be champ.
[Studnuts hits Bohemoth with another bat shot and then hits The Geek for good measure. He throws the Geek back on top of Bohemoth. The ref goes down to count.]
SH: (He shrugs.) The winner, and NEW, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND HARDCORE CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLD, BOHEEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOTH.
TV: What was that?
SS: We're supposed to screw over Bohemoth!
TV: I'm not rewarding The Geek. Have you ever had the trauma of sports entertaining with a one star caliber performer.
SS: Does the name Auryn ring a bell?
TV: Fine. Let's go then.
[Trey leaves first this time, giving Studnuts the chance to drag The Geek back on top of Bohemoth for the ref to count.
Trey realizes what's happening, but it's too late.
SH: The winner, and ONCE AGAIN, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND HARDCORE CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLD. The GEEEEEEEEEEEEEK.
[Seth and Studnuts begin to leave, keeping an eye on Trey. Trey start to leave but then suddenly turns around and hits Geek and Bohemoth with his bat. He puts one of Bohemoth's arms on the Geek and the ref counts.]
SS: Son of a bitch!
TV: I'll job this bitch as many times as I have to, Studs.
SH: The winner, AGAIN, and you know title its for by now, is THE GEEK. I mean, BOHEEEEEEEMOTH.
[The crowd begins to cheer as members of the BOB roster come out to fight the iAd. Sarah, Billy Polar, Kay Fabe, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. There might be more coming, but alas, we are out of time and you only get to see them running.]
©2002 BOB Wrestling! Screwing the talent AND the fans....the way it's supposed to be.