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(Pan interior of the "Not Quite Dome" in Theft, New Jersey. We're right on the state line near Larceny, New York. Pay attention class, there's a test afterwards. Oh yeah, cheap pyro and stuff...a sparkler, butane lighter....)

SW: GOOD EVENING EVERYBODY! Welcome to another semi exciting night of the Not As Good As Monday...uhhhh, Pre-Taped Thursday Show. That's right, we're LIVE right now, but by the time you see this, we'll be in yet ANOTHER craphole! WOO HOO! I'm jacked this time out, I've served my term with "Charlie" and now it's back to business with NURSE HEIDI! YEAH! BRING HER OUT!

("I Did It My Way" by Frank Sinatra begins to play to a loud pop. Teen boys raise their...ummmm, cameras. Several signs...ummmm, pop up including "HEIDI, CHECK MY TEMP RECTALLY" and "I THINK THIS TOWN NEEDS AN NURSE HEIDI ENEMA" as the ramp gets crowded with pre-puberty aged men. Then, she exits the curtain...)

SW: FAWK! (Scotty pronounces the swear just right to avoid censorship...and to make sure his reaction gets aired. The crowd's excitiment quickly turns to boos and laughter, as she makes her way to ringside...)

MBY: Hello, sonny.

SW: MAE B. YOUNG?! There's no MAYBE about it...YOU'RE OLD! What the hell are YOU doing here, where's Nurse Heidi? You're a wrestler in BOB's women's division. But I didn't think they made women wrestlers that old any more! You can't commentate! Your dentures might fall....

MBY: Watch it, sonny...before I put five of these across your lips. (makes Fred Sanford-like fist and shakes it at him)

SW: LOOK AT THAT! You're so old even your font color is gray! I bet you catered the Last Supper! You're so old your crow's feet have arthritis! WHY BIGBOSS? WHY?!

MBY: Listen boy, I'm not so old that I can't jerk a knot in your @ss. The BigBOSS told me to come out here to represent BOB's new women's division. You know, so that Bobo guy doesn't punk the young lads trying to wrestle the girls.

SW: Geez, just don't have an aneurysm or incontinent or anything near me. Okay? And don't poop yourself, either. I know old people do that sometimes and I think GBH does too on occassion. I HATE THAT! Crap! Mae B. Young? You gotta be kidding me. I know this is another lame attempt by management to boost ratings by stealing gimmicks from more successful feds. I wouldn't be surprised if we had STWF ripoff guys like Tha Tigre and Lucas Warm show up next week.

MBY: You know, should really respect your elders...

SW: Listen you old sea hag...THIS IS MY SHOW! I'm Scotty Whatbody! And we're here in Theft...and this is what we got tonight!

MBY: *ahem* (22 year old tooth filling falls out) WE have first, tag-team action from our women's division. That cute little boy, Alex Smith along with his guitar, taking on a new member of BOB...and what I've heard, A REAL HEART-TROB.

SW: Calm down, granny. Keep the heart rate at a medium pace, okay? And I swear if next Valentine's Day I end up with you in a hotel room...I'M QUITING THIS FED SO HELP ME! By the way, keep that smelly shower sponge away from me also...

MBY: "The Fabulous Loofah?" I'll wash your back...

SW: NO YOU WON'T! I'd rather stuff an entire cheesburger down my throat till I spew. That sucks...I've seen it done before.

MBY: Oh, you have not. Silly kids of today.

SW: Moving on...we also have that midget that hangs around Justin Voss taking on Big Poppa Mollusc of the jWo. And, the main event features newcomer The All Natural Boy against Birdboy in a "Bad Boy's Rules" Match...with special referee...BOY!

MBY: You mean Tarzan's kid? Can he even count?

SW: You haven't been here long have you, codger? I mean, in BOB that is. I know you've been around a LONG time....but if you think Boy will have problems getting to three, I guess you haven't met The Generic Ref of BOB yet, have you?

MBY: Is he cute? Hey, I loved Johnny Weishisname...I hope his boy looks like him.

SW: Hello? Geezer? Johnny I saying that right?(Yeah, I just spelled it wrong)...played the character of Tarzan in like the fifties or something. The boy who played Boy must be like, 40 years old by now...and it WASN'T EVEN REALLY HIS KID!

MBY: You're a testy little fellow aren't you, sonny?

SW: Can it! You wrinkled up, old broken down thing you. AND STOP CALLING ME SONNY! IT'S SCOTTY! SCOTTY! YOU HEAR ME? IT'S SCOTTY! Say it..SCOT-TY...

MBY: Whatever you say. It's your show, sonny.

MA: The Masked Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! The first match of the evening is set for one fall. Introducing first..the BigBOSS' main squeeze....MISS BEHAVE!


(BTO's "Taking Care of Business" is cued nicely by Eddie B. He must have gotten a raise this week. Miss Behave seductively makes her way to the ring amidst a delayed chorus of catcalls. The hormone raging teens waited this time, the didn't want to get burned twice. Miss Behave enters the ring and takes the mic and intro card from M.A...)

MA: Okay fans...I'm here to introduce the ladies in BOB's first ever women's tag-team event. This is a "Take What You Get For A Partner" tag-team match determined by our near legendary Medium-Sized I have to say (tm)? I picked these names earlier today. First from Sandwich, Mass. At 5'6" and 128 pounds...formerly of the LPWA and infamous former leader of Tuna Inc....TUNA VACHON!

(Eddie B. plays something by Melissa Etheridge. It doesn't matter, they all sound the same. Eddie doesn't even try to add a little "house". A rather manly looking female comes out in a black, leather biker's outfit. Crowd boos at the obvious...ummmm, unfeminine looking woman. She enter the ring and raises her arms triumphantly...revealing a little more pit hair than usual for a.....ummmm, lady.)

MBY: She doesn't look so tough. I can beat her...

SW: With what? Your cane....

MA: Her partner chosen at random...from the altar of cold foot grooms, At 5'8", 125 pounds...with Minister Prime....BARBIE "THE BRIDE" BANNER!

("Here Comes The Bride" plays as Barbie walks to the ring in a full white, wedding gown. Behind her is a man dressed as a priest and carrying a Bible. Good strength displayed by the's a King James version. Barbie enters the ring and removes her gown...showing off her wrestling attire of white lace bikini, white kneepads and white boots. A stark contrast to her all black, leather dressed partner, who is at the moment...licking her chops. For action! No. For the match to start....*whew* Good pop and several whistles.)

SW: Oooooh yeah...a white wedding dress. You know what THAT means....

MBY: What? She's a liar?

MA: Their opponents, first from Red River, Ohio...weighing in at 115 pounds until the about the 28th when she bloats to a healthy 120. At 5'5"....MAXINE PADDS!

(Eddie B. finds it within himself to cue "Blood Is Thicker Than Water" by Andy Gibb. Soon after, he takes a hit off a bronchial inhaler. A normal looking lass comes to the ring in normal looking dark attire. No whites at all and speaking of 'no' crowd reaction, either. She walks up to Miss Behave...)

NLL: me Maxie...

MA: Why don't I just call you Tammy Pon? Cripes! Her partner...from parts unknown and at 5 foot even and an even 200 pounds...THE SOCCER MOM!

(Tina Tuner's "Simply The Best" plays as Eddie B. sprays his turntable with pesticide. Having the likes of Tina Turner, Melissa Etheridge, and Andy Gibb on a DJ's mixing board is like wallpaper in an just doesn't belong. The plump lady walks to the ring with her 6 year old daughter in full soccer uniform in tow. She has "Mom" on the back of her gray sweat shirt Her gray sweat pants all rolled up to her knees. Neither sweats were too forgiving with showing her folds. Boos, mostly for the ring attire...)

MB: Okay ladies...LET'S GET IT ON!


SW: Miss Behave better be careful saying that around Vachon. There's the bell...and it looks like Barbie will square off against The Soccer Mom! Man, Soccer Mom looks as round as she is tall, Barbie going to have a tough time moving her bulk around...

MBY: Maybe Barbie and Tuna will make a pretty good team. Leather & Lace? They both hate men, right?

SW: Good one, Mae B...not bad for somebody that actually saw the signing of The Declaration of Independence in person. I think they might hate guys for different reasons, though...just a hunch.

MBY: Ooooh, nice armdrag by The Soccer Mom. I guess she got tired of re-living her childhood through her daughter and decided to carve her own niche...I like that and I'm all for that. I've never tried to live my life through my children. I've been doing my own thing for.....

SW: DON'T FINISH THAT! OH eyrake on those baby blues of Barbie! Soccer Mom looks like she'll do anything to win. Barbie sent into the corner...Soccer Mom charges...BARBIE MOVES! The round one hit hard. Barbie with a dropkick. WHOA! I think something just popped out! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Clive was there with the camera...BUT WE DON'T HAVE A MONITOR BACK YET! CRAP! Tuna reaching for the tag...or just reaching? Barbie sends Soccer Mom for the ride, shoulder block and Barbie got the short end of that one....she goes down hard. Hee. I meant...fell down hard, y'know?

MBY: Soccer Mom over and tags in Maxie Padds. Let me get a look at this one. Seen better. Let's see what the youngster has...

SW: Padds in quickly, drop toe hold by Barbie...floats over and applies a side headlock. Now up to a standing one. I wish I could be in that position. Maxie with a shove, Barbie into her own comes Tuna Vachon. *sigh* Tag Barbie back in...PLEASE?

MBY: I'm not too impressed with my so called competetion yet. They're all green.

SW: Hey, just because they haven't been wrestling since the Paleolithic Era doesn't mean they don't have any skills. I heard Tuna put on quite a match at the LPWA's Bearded Clamboree PPV last year. Tuna with a closed right hand shot to Padd's head. Sends her to the ropes...TILT A WHIRL! The cover! 1...2...broken up by Soccer Mom. The goalie made a save...pretty witty, huh?

MBY: You say something, sonny?

SW: I said Soccer Mom...ohhh nevermind. Tuna with a tag...YEAH! Barbie back in! Clothesline sends Maxie down. Soccer Mom back in...clothesline by Barbie sends her reeling! Here comes Tuna back in, she goes after Soccer Mom and they take it to the floor! Barbie hooking up with Padds, good thing she's not facing Vachon and I had to say hooking up with her. Hee. I kill me!

MBY: Who's legal in this now?

SW: Are you SERIOUS? It's the new millennium of wrestling! In Sports Entertainment, EVERYBODY COUNTS...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO'S LEGAL! You think Generic Ref really cares?

MBY: In my day, the legal woman HAD to get the decision over the other legal tagged in wo...

SW: Yeah, and in your day you had to be carefull of not setting the ring too close to a hungry tyrannosaurs...WHAT'S YOUR POINT?! Maxie with a shot to Barbie's jaw! Soccer Mom just rammed Tuna into the Easily Seperatable Ring Steps(tm)! Hey, her kid is even putting the boots to Vachon!

MBY: Bodyslam by Padds on Banner. She could be setting her up for her version of the bronco buster which she calls "The Crotch Rocket".

*GAG* NO! She's going to the top...HEY, SHE HAS BIRDBOY'S CHEAP BLUE CLIP ON WINGS! She's going to the top and she's gonna FLY!

MBY: Maxie Padds with Wings...I guess she thinks she's SuperGirl...

SW: Or super absorbant! And prevents...NEVERMIND! She launches...BARBIE ROLLS AWAY!

MBY: Soccer Mom trying her finisher on Tuna..."The Penalty Kick"...a real cheap shot and below the belt!

SW: Take your blood pressure pill, Wrinkles...Soccer Mom missed Vachon and kicked the Flimsy Guard Rail!(tm) Tuna sends Mom's daughter fleeing the scene! Minister Prime over to restore order, he's been a non factor in this one so far...WAIT, IT'S SHUTT VON TRAPP! A minister and a nun, a biker chic and a bride, a fat mother and a girl named after feminine napkins...what's NEXT?!

MBY: Barbie has Padds setting on the tope could be HER finisher, a top rope hurricanrana she calls "The Divorce"...


crowd: ONE! TWO!...THREE!

MBY: Trapp just hammered Tuna outside the ring...

SW: Bad choice of words...HEY! TRAPP IS IN THE RING! Kick to Barbie's tummy...frontface DDT, THE TRAPP SHUTTER!

MBY: Things are getting out of hand here, aren't they sonny?

SW: I guess Shutt wants to find out if Barbie wants Bobo's money. Looks like she's going to have to earn it...OH! A kick for good measure!

MBY: Vachon in to help her partner. Shutt is on her way out. She might give me a good fight...


B: Hey, I didn't agree to that!

TV: Come on, Barbie. We can discuss it over a tuna sandwich.

B: Wait...did that 'tuna' have a capital 't' or a lower case 't'? You know what, maybe some other time...

SW: Wow, Barbie leaving and rubbing her chin...Shutt really got her with that one. I bet Barbie is seriously considering Bobo's offer now. Barbie and Trapp at Near Deth? I'd like to see that one.

MBY: Would you like to see my puppies, too?

SW: I think you're taking this ripoff thing a little too far there, Mae B. Besides, I heard your puppies were named after that cartoon dog, Droopy. Well, one in the books and I've had lapsus linguae way too often already. Let's go to commercial...

MBY: Lapsus linguae? I didn't know you knew Latin...

SW: There's a lot you don't know about me, and I don't know Latin...I think that was suppossed to be part of Mike's script...


SW: We're back...isn't about time for your blood sugar check?

MBY: Shhhhh, sonny...that masked announcer is back in the ring. I wonder if he's my age? I wish he'd take that mask off...

SW: He's probably thinking the same about you...I mean, ummm...about your age and stuff...

MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! The next match is for one fall. First from....

(Salt 'N Peppa's "Push It" begins. Eddie B. finally gets something close to what he's used to on his turntable. Quick shot of Eddie doing the "butterfly" (for those of you that don't know...the "butterfly' is when girls with ample backsides stick out the money maker and jiggle it freely. Note: see the "Baby Got Back" video by Sir Mix-A-Lot) A man walks out with a white wig and and a glued on white goatee...being sure to strategically place black shoe polish on the middle of the chin. Another smaller man is with him wearing a collegiate style wrestling headgear.)

MA: A member of the jWo, accompanied by "The Dog-faced Whelk", Bivalve...BIG POPPA MOLLUSC!


(Zippo...except for a guy in the balcony blowing his nose...)

MA: His opponent....

(The Flunkie quickly runs out and begins pointing to the back. Cut to backstage and broadcast on the BOB-Tron. Andrew Spink is upside down in a trashcan, his little feet sticking out of the top. Li'LBOSS is there and plucks a "Post-It" note off The Little Big Man's tiny heel.)

LB: (reading the note)"Justin, I took out your trash for you. Heh. You're Welcome...see you SOON."

SW: Looks like Bobo has sent a message to the "Stereo-Typed Face" Justin Voss. WHOO HOO! Things heating up for "A Near Deth Experience!"

MBY: What a shame...throwing away a perfectly good midget like that.

(Back to the dressing room area, The Li'lBOSS is there. Several BOB stars are present. G.I. Slow is eating some of "Charlie's" rice patties. Mr. Claven and "Cap" Al Larrie are busy with Playstation and NASCAR Rumble. Everybody else is quite deep into thought playing Brawler's on a Budget Scrabble.)

LB: Okay...listen up. We need a fill-in for Andrew Spink, it appears Bobo stuffed him in a garbage can. Any takers? (nobody moves) NOBODY wants to wrestle tonight? (nobody moves) Look, Bobo wasn't the's Big Poppa Mollusc. (everone's hand goes up) FOO! Just go to the next match for crying out loud...

SW: Looks like a no contest and a moral victory for Big Poppa Mollusc! I'm sure he won't complain...the jWo will take anything they can get!

MBY: That poor little man, I really hope he's okay.

SW: He's fine, granny...I told you this is SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. Most everybody knows what goes on now...damn NBC.

MA: Fans...our next match of the evening is...well, FOR ONE FALL! First, from the jWo...blah blah blah...ALEX "GUITAR" SMITH!

("Push It" by Salt 'N Peppa again. Eddie B. dances again...not really catching, or even caring about, the "push" reference in the song and jobber status of it's users. Alex comes out looking the same as usual, except he's now wearing rose colored sun glasses and carries a guitar that has magic marker scrawled "Don't P*ss On Me" on it. He enters to deathly silence.)

MA: His opponent, making his debut tonight...from, uhhhh...the beach I guess. DAVID HASSELHOFF!

MBY: Oh, it is him!

SW: No...hold on. Did he just say David Hasselhoff?

MBY: Wanna borrow my hearing aid?

SW: NO! YOU OLD BATTLE AXE! I heard him...I just didn't BELIEVE him!

(The theme from "Baywatch" plays as a man looking very much like David Hasselhoff appears wearing Those Famous Red Shorts(R). There's also a man with him wearing a Miami Dolphin Jersey and carrying a black suitcase. They walk to the ring as a stunned crowd looks on. Hasselhoff gets in the ring and takes the mic from M.A...)

DH: "You're probably all wondering what I'm doing here." (crowd looks at him like witnessing a 16 car pile-up on the interstate) "Well, I have my reasons and you people should worry about other things, like why you couldn't afford tickets to the WWF." (crowd boos and quickly starts "WE WANT BLEETH!" chant) "I'm here in BOB to introduce a World Title, which BOB doesn't have. I'm a big musical phenomenon in Germany. I have the most successful show in T.V. history..."

man in front row: "WHAT, KNIGHT RIDER?!"

DH: "No stupid, the other one! Anyway, I'm here to..."

SW: WHAM! Smith just waffled David Hasselhoff with his guitar! Listen to this crowd pop! Alex has hit the road...he's outta here!

MA: THE disqualification....DAVID HASSELHOFF! Wait, there's more. This is a hour show, Hasselhoff...conduct your own long winded interviews in the Rant Zone. Thanks, The Management.

SW: WOW! The BOSS' are not intimidated by this mega star! Can you imagine what this guy is asking to appear here? That's going to cut into my share. Stupid actors. Whoops, I meant T.V. actors....uhhhh, I meant non-wrestling show actors. CRAP!

MBY: Where's the WRESTLING here? The last two matches have been...well, NOTHING!"

SW: You still haven't grasped this whole Sports Entertainment thing yet, have you? Angle, T&A, wrestling. In that order. The old days are over. The 90 minute draw...over. The match with 18 pin attempts...thing of the past. Storyline, storyline, storyline. The average one hour wrestling show probably contains about 10 minutes of actual wrestling, the rest is....

(Scotty looks up and has a strange feeling he's E.F. Hutton. When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen. Everybody in the arena is staring directly at Scotty, soaking in his every word...)


MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT! First, making his debut tonight...and he's so new we don't have his stats yet...THE ALL NATURAL BOY!

(The Star Wars Theme plays...I guess this guy didn't want to be a TOTAL ripoff and use the theme from "2001-A Space Oddessy". A man walks out wearing a very gaudy, sequined robe and has peroxide bonde hair. Good pop because BOB fans can't tell the difference...)

MA: His 6'1" and 235 pounds. With Mr. Pecker.....BIRDBOY!

(Eddie B. cues Lenny Kravitz' "Fly Away" and will continue to do so until Birdboy says different or picks his own entrance tune. Eddie even adds a main event "Dance So Close In Tha Club With A Girl It Looks Like Ya'll Conected Mix" to the track. Birdboy places Mr. Pecker (his pet bird, remember) on a small perch at ringside and gets in the ring. Another good pop.)

MA: And now...THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE! Right from Tarzan's loins...ummmm. LOIN CLOTH....ummmm, his kid...."BOY"!

(a teen boy comes out wearing nothing but a tan colored leather cloth covering his naughty parts. Decent pop for the special ref.)

MA: This is a "Bad Boys Rules" match. Anything goes. LET'S GET IT ON!

SW: And there's the bell. Birdboy just doesn't look the same without his wings, hopefully Padds will return 'em. Both men circle eath other..collar and elbow tie up...All Natural Boy gets the advantage and backs Birdboy into the corner. Knife edge chop!

crowd: "WHOO!"

MBY: Birdboy retaliates with his own chop...

crowd: "CHIRP!"

SW: That is still lame! "Boy" looks like he had a flashback to the jungle after the 'chirp'...he's distracted!

MBY: Flair with a knee to the abdomen and tosses Birdboy outside the ring...

SW: That's not Flair, you old bat! Are you senile? All Natural Boy follows Birdboy to the outside. He has a chair...WHAM! He clocked Birdyboy with that one...

ANB: "WHOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!"

crowd: "WHOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!"

MBY: They're into the crowd, fans patting both men on the back. Birdboy with a punch staggering "Space Mountain"...

SW: THAT'S NOT FLAIR! Birdboy setting up All Natural for a suplex...OOOOOOOOH! Right on the concrete! They're now heading back to the ring...

MBY: Ric with a shot to Birdboy's kidneys...that'll wear a wrestler out quick...

SW: Listen you old fossil, if you call All Natuaral Boy 'Ric Flair' one more time...OHHHHH! uppercut by Birdboy rocks Flair....CRAP! You have ME doing it!

MBY: Birdboy sends Natural into the ropes...SIDEWALK SLAM!

SW: Hey, ALL RIGHT! Now you're getting the hang of it, Mae B! Birdboy on the outside now, pulls out BOB's "Novelty Hardcore Weapons" from under the ring! We're going to get hardcore! WHOO HOO! LET'S SEE SOME BLOOD!

MBY: Wait, the "Boy" ref doesn't quite understand that this is no DQ...he's taking the "Novelty" box from Birdboy!


SW: Another BOB crowd drawing device gone bad! "Boy" won't allow the novelty weapons! I guess he really doesn't think it's fair, he must believe that if his old man can kick a rhino's @ss with his bare DON'T NEED WEAPONS!

MBY: Isn't this going to hurt the amount of your viewing public?

SW: ARE YOU KIDDING?! NOBODY watches the Thursday show! Did I say that? CRAP! Well, they still pay me...y'know, like a little bit.

MBY: Slick Ric just rolled up a distracted Birdboy from behind..."Boy" hasn't retuned to make the count...

SW: Here comes "Boy" running back down the ramp...I still don't know if this kid can even count!

MBY: 1...2...Birdboy gets out. Looks like "Boy" can at least get to two, sonny.

SW: That puts him on par with Generic Ref...AND STOP CALLING ME SONNY! Natural Boy with a snap mare...he's going to the top. Birdboy is up and catches Natural Boy at the top turnbuckle. Natural Boy shaking his head...Birdboy catapults ANB to the canvas. OHHHHH! He hit hard!

MBY: Birdboy going up to the top. All Natural just getting to his feet. Flying body press! This could be it...


SW: Oh, the fans thought that was it and got hoo-dooed! WAIT A DOGGONE MINUTE! WHO IS THAT? A pudgy, bearded man just entered the ring! DDT ON BIRDBOY! He run's off..maybe it's "The Enfarcer!"

MBY: "Boy" doesn't seem to care...All Natural with the cover...

crowd: ONE....TWO....THREE!

SW: He doesn't really understand what's going on here anyway, but hey...he made it to three and The All Natural Boy has a win in his debut!


SW: WOW! Not much action and plenty of PPV hype! Another successful Thursday show! What? We only had one commercial? Need another? Okay, for this old wind bag, Mae B. Young...I'm Scotty Whatbody and goodnight from The Not As Good As Monday Thursday Night!

IT'S A NEAR DETH EXPERIENCE! FROM DETH, TEXAS! IT'S JUSTIN VOSS! IT'S BOBO Q. FIENDISH! IT'S SWISS ARMY TITLE VS. HARDCORE TITLE! FOR THE PAN-GALACTIC TITLE! SAY WHAT? ORDER NOW! Will Barbie face Shutt Von Trapp for Bobo's 278 dollars? Will Andrew Spink get out of the trashcan? Will anybody challenge The Unetical Ethnic Alliance? Questions answered at Near Deth? Maybe not...but ORDER ANYWAY BECAUSE WE MAKE MONEY!


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