NAGAM FOUR! I think...
SUCKIER THAN.. WAIT, WE ALREADY DID THIS ONE..
(Pan interior of the "Not Quite Dome" in Larceny, New York. We're right on the state line near Theft, New Jersey. Pay attention class, there's a test afterwards. Oh yeah, cheap pyro and stuff...a sparkler, butane lighter....)
SW: GOOD EVENING EVERYBODY! Welcome to another semi exciting night of the Not As Good As Monday...uhhhh, Pre-Taped Thursday Show. That's right, we're LIVE right now, but by the time you see this, we'll be in yet ANOTHER craphole! WOO HOO! I'm jacked this time out, I've served my term with "Charlie" and now it's back to business with NURSE HEIDI! YEAH! BRING HER OUT!
MBY: You know, sonny...that sounded really familiar.
SW: CRAP! I forgot to put down last week's "Welcome To The Show" dummy card...
MBY: Last week? Sonny, it's only been 5 minutes since Birdboy and Flair left the ring...and you call ME senile?
SW: MAE B. YOUNG?! What are you doing here? Again! THIS WEEK! And that WAS NOT Ric Flair!
MBY: Whatever, sonny...but you know, there are some doctors out there that can help you with your problem.
SW: Okay look, you antique...just play along and hand me that other shirt will ya? (whispers) Pssst...if you MUST know, we're a little strapped for cash getting ready for our next PPV, okay? We're doing two shows for two different weeks in one night, okay? Why do think Flunkie and I pulled the announcer's table to the other side of the ring, okay? We're on the state line, okay? We're in New York now, okay?
MBY: Ummmmmm, okay? I guess...
SW: OKAY! (changes shirt) Can we start over? Stupid old lady ruined it. And get outta here, you're not suppossed to be here THIS WEEK!
MBY: But the other show just ended...I haven't gotten a chance to get up yet...
SW: Get your cane, walking stick, wheelchair, LARK motor scooter...WHATEVER, and leave will ya? (pushes her out of chair)
MBY: Land sakes, child...I'm GOING! Ungrateful little bastard...
Flunkie: "In three...two...one...."
SW: GOOD EVENING EVERYBODY! Welcome To "The Not As Good As Monday Pre-Taped Thursday Show Number FOUR!" I'm Scotty Whatbody and tonight we're Closed Captioned for the Hearing Impared! That's right...BOB spares NO expense for our fans!
(Pan crowd...this time the New Jersey side of the state line. Several signs are seen including "New York Sucks", "Why Do The New York Pro Football Teams Play At The Meadowlands in New Jersey? ", and "I'm No Longer Happy And I Know It After Sitting Beside This Guy With Gas All Night"...just to name a few. "Simply Irresistible" by Robert Palmer plays as Nurse Heidi walks to the ring. Good pop from those teen boys that are still awake...)
SW: WHOO HOO! NURSE HEIDI IS BACK!
NH: Hi Scotty, nice shirt. But you know, it'd be a little more persuasive for two different weeks if you at least put on a different colored one. (she sits down)
SW: What tha? (looks at shirt) CRAP!
NH: And another thing...did you say this show was Closed Captioned? Technically, aren't ALL of them closed captioned? I mean really, nobody can hear us...we're just words on a screen. So basically, everybody HAS to read what we say whether they can hear or not, right?
SW: Wait, you mean to tell me all this time and money I spent on herbal tea and lime to give myself a clearer speaking voice WAS ALL FOR NOTHING?! CRAP! I HATE SMART WOMEN! Bring Mae B. Young back....wait a minute, just kidding!
NH: While Scotty gathers himself...this is what we have tonight, well...later tonight that is. But, through the magic of tape delay...this is what we have this week as oppossed to last week that was actually earlier tonight...
NH: Exactly. The HoodSiders of the jWo will take on The Universal Donors "Cap" Al Larrie and Art Teery, joined by their valet "Bloody" Mary. Mr. Claven battles G. I. Slow in a "Return To Sender Match"...
SW: "Return To Sender Match?" What the hell is THAT?!"
NH: Stay tuned...if I tell now, fans might be apt to switch over the STWF's Monster Bash '99 replay...
SW: Oh yeah...THEM. I hate those guys! That commentator Jamal dude is worse than GBH...and I think he gets paid more than I do...punk@assbitch!
NH: What'd you call me?
SW: NOTHING! I was like...ummm...talking about Jamal and stuff...
NH: We also have alot of pre-Near Deth Experience hype for our upcoming PPV that is located near Deth, Texas...and the main event feautures Justin Voss against the Corporate Enforcer PSremZlwvk in a non-Swiss Army Title match.
SW: AGAIN? Those two just wrestled at NAGAM #2...are you sure it's not suppossed to be All Natural Boy's "Enfarcer?" I think P-plusabunchofotherletters got fired from here anyway...
NH: Think about it, silly...PPV around the corner. Man in main event tonight that is in PPV main event...add 'em up.
SW: Six? CRAP! I mean...damn, I really get nervous around you Nurse Heidi. Goes back to highschool and this girl named Gertrude Wakslowicz. Now I know the name sounds ugly...but man, she was a beauty! Anyway, I was really in love with her but always got nervous in her presence...
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!...
SW: HEY! I wasn't finished....
NH: It's better to quit while you're ahead, don't go out of your way to embarrass yourself...
MA: Introducing first... the BigBOSS' main squeeze...MISS BEHAVE! What? (shuffles through intro cards...flips one card over) Representing the jWo...DJ Rawkus and MC Carjack...THE HOODSIDERS!
(Eddie B. cues "Push It" by Salt 'N Peppa...shot of Eddie doing the outdated "CabbagePatch" dance...but I hear it's making a comeback. Maybe not. The two jobbers enter the ring still wearing those baggy pants, but have added the jWo style 'white t-shirt-black duct taped jWo initials' combo. A frog croaks in the distance...you'll have to guess if he 'croaked' to make noise or 'croaked' as in dying. DJ has the mic...)
DJ: (sporting a new "jerry curl" complete with one long bang hanging in his face. He's also chewing on a toothpick) "HEY YO! It be SURVEY TIME an' sh!t! Dids ya'll come up in here to see tha..." (Shot of a VERY long line in front of the restrooms)
MA: Their opponents...from Red Cross, NC...the crossover blood bank guys named after their favorite blood type of Type O Negative....THE UNIVERSAL DONORS!
(Eddie B. shows his skills by cleverly producing a rousing mix of "Black No. 1" by Type O Negative and Slayer's "Spill The Blood". Hell, you can EVEN dance to it. "Bloody" Mary leads the way with her Vodka and Tomato Juice, the blood splattered tag-team follows with sponges and a cooler. They enter the ring...)
MA: LET'S GET IT ON!
SW: The bell has sounded and here we go! This is a rematch between these two teams from our VERY FIRST SHOW in Havoc, West Virginia at MMM #1! That one ended in a double DQ...these four have waited a long time to settle this one!
NH: The outcome could be different this time around...DJ and MC didn't even have that neato jWo thing going on yet in the first meeting...
SW: Ri---------------ght...the more the things change the more they stay the same. OHHH! Art has started against MC Carjack and just caught him coming off the ropes with a frying burrito! Haven't seen one of those in awhile...
NH: Hey, don't they sell those down at "Super Crazy Lupe's Almost Authenic Mexican Food and Chili Dogs?"
SW: Well, I was referring to the wrestling move...and Lupe's burritos only fly the next morning after you eat one...
NH: That's really gross, Scotty...
SW: But true. Carjack with a suplex on Art! Tags in DJ, double team in the corner now...Teery in No-Man's Land! These jobbers putting the hurt on Art. The little Donor trying to crawl away...DJ with an elbow drop stops the little hardcore man. Rolls him over...covers, 1...gonna take more than that.
NH: Both men exchanging right hands now...Art with a kick to DJ's abdomen, Rawkus caught his foot...inziguri by Terry sends DJ though the ropes! "Bloody" Mary over and kicks the jobber in the mouth! Teery trying to make the tag...Carjack back in. Art tags and here comes "Cap" Al Larrie and meets Carjack in the center of the ring...
SW: Carjack ducks Larrie's clothesline attempt and a dropkick by the jobber...
NH: Which one?
SW: Carjack. Aren't you WATCHING? DJ back in...here comes Art. ALL FOUR GOING AT IT NOW!
NH: The Generic Ref being very lenient so far...
(Close up on Generic Ref. There's one of those cartoon bubbles over his head with the image of him and two half naked women flanked all over him. Quick shot of whipped cream and a leather whip inside the bubble before it pops...)
Generic Ref: "Wha...HEY! Ummmmm...STOP THAT BEFORE I DISQUALIFY YOU ALL!"
SW: Art sent to the floor! Double clothesline attempt by The HoodSiders...Larrie ducks, double DDT!
NH: Al sure was lucky both guys turned around with their heads down...
SW: Ummmm...yeah. He was.
NH: Larrie trying to pin Carjack...Generic won't count it! Rawkus back up and stomps Al on the head! "Bloody" Mary on the apron, MC smacks her drink out of her hand and now has pulled a magic marker out of those baggier orange pants...
SW: DJ Rawkus has Larrie face down on the mat and has pulled his shirt over his head! MC is taking the lid off that marker! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
NH: They can't afford spray paint? Hey, there's Art with that cooler...
SW: WHAM! He just waffled Carjack! He's going after Rawkus, but hits the tope rope as DJ dives to the floor! Generic Ref waiving this one off and there's the bell...
NH: This is a DOUBLE DQ! NO WINNAS!
SW: Well, two matches and still no clear cut decision between these two teams...
("Sweat" by C+C Music Factory plays at the "I GOT THA POWER" part right on cue. Nice job, Eddie. The Li'lBOSS appears on the BOB-Tron...squint and you might even see him. Man, we need a bigger screen...and maybe a bigger Li'lBOSS, too.)
LB: Okay. As much as I hate to add jobbers to a PPV, BigBOSS does give me a little stroke around here from time to time. (crowd laughs and points) I mean...power to make a few decisions. *whew* This thing between you two teams has to be settled once and for all. Why? We need PPV filler. So, at Near Deth Experience...you will meet again. And this time THERE HAS TO BE A WINNER! You'll meet in a Retro 80's "They Never Have 'Em Anymore" Scaffold Match! To win's it simple...throw the other team off the scaffold!
SW: WOW! Li'lBOSS pulling some strings! That's the thing with those little clones of bigger bosses...always trying to take over...
NH: That one alone should be worth the price of admission. *sigh*
IT'S GETTING CLOSE NOW! A NEAR DETH EXPERIENCE FROM NEAR DETH, TEXAS...MEANING CLOSE TO DETH, TEXAS! WE'RE CLOSE TO NEAR, UMMM...NEAR DETH AND CLOSE, CLOSER TO DETH AS WE GET NEAR! DETH! UMMM...YEAH! YOU BETTER ORDER NOW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ANYBODY YOU DID! REALLY!
NH: Your guy's commercials really suck.
SW: So? Tell me something I don't know...
NH: Okay, "The Return To Sender Match" is next.
SW: I knew that.
NH: Oh yeah? But, what is it?
SW: Ummmmm. It's a...it's kinda like a....OH CRAP! I don't know, okay? You don't have to rub it in.
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! This next contest is a "Return To Sender Match". One man will be allowed to deliver the maneuver of his choice on his opponent. The opponent must return the same maneuver to the originator of the move OR HE LOSES. If he is successful, the two will alternate until one man cannot return a move.
SW: Oooooooooooh, now I get it!
NH: They told me you were quick. (rolls her eyes)
MA: Introducing first. From TwinkieVille, U.S. of A. He's 6'5" and whoa! 669 pounds! The Fat @ss Army Man...G. I. SLOW!
SW: If Slow bodyslams Claven, this one could be over in a hurry...there's NO WAY The Disgruntled Postal Worker will scoop this fat guy for a slam.
NH: Oh yeah, that's right...go ahead and state the obvious and spoil the suspense.
(Eddie puts Weird Al's "Eat It" on the turntable's 78 speed. The chipmunk sounding Al doesn't quicken Slow's pace any, though. 15 minutes later, he enters the ring.)
MA: His opponent, from Boston, Mass. and where everybody know's your name. He's 6'1" and a pot-bellied 240....HE'S MR. CLAVEN!
(Eddie cues "Return To Sender" by Elvis after an anonymous tip. Claven walks to ring looking rather nervous...his infamous pit stains are more visible than ususal. Good pop for Claven, BOB fans subconsciously blaming their late mail on booing him at home. Seeing him live, they're more cautious. Claven gets in the ring and raises his arms to the cheers. There's a sweat stain in the persona of Elvis under his right arm. What? You never saw that Married With Children episode where Al Bundy...nevermind.)
MA: Mr. Claven gets to go first as decided backstage...LET'S GET IT ON!
SW: There's the bell! Claven looks to be the odds on favorite in this one. The match has a tie-in to him, he came out to a song with the same name of the match. The song was sung by Elvis and he has a....HEY! That LOOKS LIKE Elvis under his arm!
NH: Don't be ridiculous. That's a sweat stain! Which, by the way...looks very disgusting.
SW: You think THAT'S disgusting? I once saw a stripper that was about 8 months pregnant...dancing topless in a small town in Oklahoma.
NH: Oh, you did not. Stop it, Scotty.
SW: No, really! She had a fishbowl full of dollars and was begging for more money and everything...I SWEAR!
NH: Cut the crap, Scotty. You're lying.
SW: No, lying would be saying something like Elvis is still alive and works at a Quickie Mart or something...
NH: Now that I'd believe...I hear that one all the time.
SW: SEE! Anyway, Claven has been circling Slow all this time while we carried on about meaningless bull. He seems confused on what move to try on this big man...
NH: Oh, nice side headlock by the postal worker. Slow should have no trouble answering THAT one. (rolls her eyes, again)
SW: Yeah, not to much planning went into that one. Slow with a side headlock now, okay...the match continues.
NH: Claven rubbing his chin, trying to think of a good next move, but it's Slow's turn to choose. He grabs Mr. Claven and throws him into the ropes...backdrop!
SW: This could be over now. I don't think Claven can backdrop THIS guy! He dusts himself off, whips Slow to the ropes...Slow across the ring...bounces off the ropes...taking his time here...
NH: Well, he IS slow.
SW: Still rebounding off the ropes, headed toward Claven now...
(10 more seconds pass. Quick shot of Eddie B. rolling a "fattie" at his table. Eddie notices the camera and hurriedly ducks behind a stack of records. Disclaimer: BOB does not condone the use of illegal substances of any kind...but Eddie B. might tell you it's cool.)
NH: Claven bends over...there's Slow finally. Claven lifts...he lifts...
SW: HE GOT HIM OVER! Claven falls down also! That took alot out of him as well! But, Slow didn't fall on his backdrop attempt on Claven...will G.R. allow it?
Generic Ref: (poking at bubble over his head) "Yeah, keep going I guess."
NH: Both men now struggling to their feet. Claven has to come up with something in a hurry. Dropkick! It staggers the big G.I. and sends him falling into the corner!
SW: Oh, this outta be good... Slow trying to get up. I gotta see this! What's he got...like an 1 inch vertical leap? Dropkick catches Claven in the ankle!
Generic Ref: "Close enough. Continue!"
NH: That might have taken more out of Slow than it did Claven. It's the G.I.'s time to choose, but he's really winded after that dropkick.
SW: Slow asking Claven to lay on the mat, Claven does. Here comes Slow now...BIG SQUASH!
SW: That was almost to gruesome to watch! What a bellyflop! Claven is burried under Slow's incredible girth!
NH: Mr. Claven shouldn't have much problem returning that to it's sender...that is, if he can get to his feet...
SW: Slow now lying on the mat, the Generic Ref has to help Claven to his feet. Claven just took a nose dive on top of Slow! I think Claven was out on his feet!
Generic Ref: "That looked pretty close to a big splash. More please!"
NH: This can't go on much longer...both men look exhausted. I won't even mention Claven's pit stains now...nasty.
SW: Claven's turn to choose...but both men are just lying on the mat motionless. They have to get up, though...I don't think there's any count outs in this one!
NH: It might be a good idea for Slow to try that bodyslam for his next choice...
SW: Oh yeah, give him ideas why don't cha? Claven staggers to his feet. Slow barely to his. WAIT! Claven asking Slow to get on top rope! He's going for the Special Delivery! There's NO WAY!
NH: Get the VCR ready for this...
SW: Slow finally climbs up the turnbuckles and sits there. Claven gets into position...it's a hurricarana. Claven not known for his aerial skills...
NH: He leaps, wraps his legs around Slow's neck....and....and hangs there like a postal blue necktie!
SW: He's just hanging there, he botched it! Slow can now counter the move as just passed on to me by The Flunkie...Slow lifts Claven into the postion for a powerbomb...AND THEY'RE STILL ON THE ROPES!
NH: Wait a minute! Claven just took a letter opener out of his pocket...what's he doing with that? Makes you wonder if they really do read your mail...
SW: Mr. Claven poked G.I. Slow in the eye with that opener! He's countered the counter...goes with momentum as Slow has lost his balance...DELIVERS THE SPECIAL DELIVERY!
crowd: "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W! HO-LY SH!T! HO-LY SH!T! HO-LY SH!T!" (we are near New York...after all)
(Richter Scale simulation. Thank You. Come again...)
SW: WHOO HOO! That was incredible! Claven got tangled in the ropes...but it doesnt' matter! Slow is begging off, he knows he's done...he's tapping out!
MA: YOUR WINNA! MR. CLAAAAAAAA---VEN!
SW: What did you think of THAT, Nurse Heidi? Nurse Heidi? Where are you?
NH: (getting off the floor) I'm okay. That Special Delivery literally knocked me out of my seat.
SW: Not me, honey...I read the script! (lifts shirt revealing a seatbelt)
NH: That's nice, Scotty...
SW: Big win for Claven! He's really got the momentum going into A Near Deth Experience. I heard he might face David Hasselhoff in a "Next Guy That Cuts A Rant Zone Promo Might Win The PPV Match-Up" Match.
NH: I thought Mr. Claven was wrestling Kamakazie Ken at Near Deth...
SW: Well. He is. But we're pre-taped...remember?
NH: Oh yeah...hmph.
IT'S A NEAR DETH EXPERIENCE! ORDER THIS ONE, BY GOD, OR SUFFER THE PAIN OF A MILLION NEEDLES PIERCING YOUR EYEBALLS! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND RIGHT IN THE WORLD...ORDER TODAY!
SW: And....WE'RE BACK!
NH: You make it sound like we were gone forever. Scotty, that commercial was only like 5 seconds long...
SW: Yeah, but if shown during the SuperBowl it'd cost us about 200,000 dollars...think about that one, eh?
(Kane's music begins to play to a humongous pop. Sound of needle scratching over record. "If You're Happy And You Know It" plays as Justin Voss and Andrew Spink make their way to the ring. They enter as Justin puts his fingers to his cheeks and smiles, the midget tries to climb the turnbuckles to pose. Voss asked for the mic, the "techie" in question happens to be Masked Announcer...)
MA: (holding microphone away) You're not going to talk about his peter again, are you?
JV: "No. I'm here to talk about that lout, Bobo Fiendish. I'm going to get him back for putting The Little Big Man in a trashcan earlier tonight....uhhhh, I mean last week. At "ANDE"...I'm going to put a pout on that lout and there ain't nothing he can do about it 'cept smile. Hey! Where is my big fonts at?"
MA: Those cost extra at house shows, buddy. You're outta luck. We're already in the red for staying here so long. But, we can fix that and since you're already in the ring....
JV: "Hey man, what are you doing?"
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT! Already in the ring, the Two-Time Swiss Army Champion....from PORTLAND, OREGON....JUSTIN VOSS!
JV: "THAT'S NOT FAIR! They said there were two more segments before my match!
MA: Just who are "they"? Define "they".
JV: "The..the....y'know...THOSE BOSS GUYS!
MA: Whatever, kid. His opponent, scheduled to be the Corporate Enforcer but that was bait to keep you tuned in. The real opponent...BOBO Q. FIENDISH!
NH: ALRIGHT! And this close to the PPV even!
MA: Ahhh, I'm just kidding. It's MR. X-POC FROM THE jWo!
SW: That announcer better be glad he wears a mask. Butthole.
(Mr. X-poc comes out wearing an 8-Ball t-shirt to Salt 'N Peppa's "Push It". He quickly runs into ring and nails Voss with a shin-padded spinning kick. Big SeXXY heads toward ringside...)
NH: Oh...I'm leaving. Triple X Machine or whatever he calls himself now is coming over here. That's the perv that pulled my top off at BOB's first Pay-Per-View.
SW: Yeah, I know! Please stay! Nurse Heidi...COME BACK!
TXXXX: shutup befo i kcik yer ass.
SW: Hi, Triple X. I see your interview skills hasn't improved much...
XXTR: i tell you this iam tired of justin voss geting the big push when i bettre than him. i beat neige justin nefer beat neige
SW: Yeah, but that was SO OBVOIUS a screwjob, you can't possibly consider that a victory!
@CCXXX: yes i can becasue people only remeber that i won and it dont matter how niege says so hinself. i beat neige iam god
SW: OHHHHHH! Justin just pummeling Mr. X-poc in there! Clothesline rocked the jobber! POWERBOMB! JACK-KNIFE! GORILLA PRESS SLAM! Throws the limp X-poc into the corner...follows with a BIG, CRUSHING SPLASH!
3xcgvc: this is crap i can beat justn
SW: Ummmmm. Sure you can. GRINBREAKER!
XD3FD: thats it iam going to handle this
SW: Triple X is in the ring! He's trying to hit Voss! Justin blocks the right hand attempt...uppercut sends Big SeXXY to the mat! Justin now has Triple X flat on his back and is pounding away at his head with closed fists! Wait...IT'S BOBO!
(A man runs to the ring. However...Bobo never runs in unless for retaliation. It's just Big Poppa Mollusc playing dress-up...fans pop anyway because they think it's Bobo.)
SW: It's Big Poppa Mollusc! Maybe he's trying to frighten Justin by making him think he's Bobo! Justin knows it's Mollusc because "the Dog-Faced Whelk" Bivavle has now joined the fray! Andrew Spink is in! They're not backing down! Little Bigs with a midget-sized dropkick sends Mr. X-Poc out of the ring! Justin just threw Big SeXXY over the top rope...OHHHH! He got nailed from behind with a lobster wielding Bivalve! Here comes BARBIE BANNER! She must think that is really Bobo and looks to get revenge for his ripping her interview!
MA: THE WINNA...JUUUUUUUUUSTIN VOSS! Okay, I'm outta here.
SW: Barbie goes after the Bobo dressed Mollusc. There's Shutt Von Trapp...OHHHHH! She snuck in from the back side and nailed Barbie again with that Trapp Shutter! Spink sent outside the ring by Bivavle. Big SeXXY is back and he's double-teaming Voss with Mr. X-Poc who has also recovered. OHHHHHH! Andrew Spink just got blindsided by "Charlie"! Kong's manager and Spink's opponent for "ANDE" was posing as a "rice cake" vendor and just clocked Spink with his serving tray! Here comes The HoodSiders! Wait...there's The Universal Donors!
(Overhead Announcement: "Would Scotty Whatbody please report to the parking lot...you're double parked.")
SW: CRAP! The 'Siders and Donors fighting in the aisle...WAIT! Everyone in the women's division is out here! They're all going after Barbie! Despite being taped delayed...it appears Bobo's "reward turned bounty" has leaked into the locker room! "Charlie" and Spink exchanging right hands...there's Ken and Mr. Claven fighting near the bathrooms as shown on the BOB-tron!
(Overhead again: "That means now, Mr. Whatbody. We're towing you.")
SW: CRAP AGAIN! We're outta time! For Nurse Heidi...I'm Scotty Whatbody and goodnight from The Not As Good As Monday Thursday Night! SEE YOU AT A NEAR DETH EXPERIENCE!
©2000 BOB Wrestling!
SW: My damn car better still be out there.........